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ishoulddefbedoingotherthings · 8 months

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Hi everyone! I’d like to share my Captainswan fanfic with you all!

Warning: mega super angst as many of my readers have told me, but there is comfort at the end I SWEAR

Trigger warnings include: implications of and attempted suicide, depression, (there is a final warning, but it is foreshadowed early on and if it’s not your cup of tea, feel free to stop reading ❤️)

Other tags: angst, time travel, domestic Captainswan, Killian is a whump circus, hurt no comfort, but there is eventual reconciliation

Summary:

Emma and Hook’s adventure into the past took a different turn than either of them could’ve predicted, and a small overnight trip turned into two and a half years of bliss.

But now they’re back.

And things have changed.

And he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to survive it.

On Ao3

Chapter 1:

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

It was… well it was never supposed to be like this.

Their relationship wasn’t supposed to be summed up in fleeting glances and the occasional brush of hands when they didn’t know the other was there. Their relationship wasn’t supposed to be something that made his hand twitch every time he thought about it, reaching for something he was too far away from.

Their relationship wasn’t supposed to disappear.

They promised each other that their relationship wouldn’t disappear.

But he guesses it was some cruel trick of the universe that happy endings would always be ripped from them suddenly. And quickly, and harshly.

And cruelly.

They were self-destructive, would always be self-destructive. And there were times when that option of a sweet release felt like it would be leagues better than the cold, heavy chains pulling him further into the water that stubbornly wouldn’t let him drown, no matter how deep he got.

That sweet release would spare him from the endless torment that swirled and pulsed every time he met her eyes over a hoard of people only for her to avert her eyes to something that must’ve been more interesting than him. Something less painful, if he was even painful for her. Truth be told, he didn’t know.

He wanted to believe that he left an impression on her. A sick, twisted part of him hoped that it hurt her, that is was agonizing for her as much as it was him, but the smile that seemed too convincing to be a mask deterred that thought as quickly as a wave pulling back from the shore.

Hate for her festered like a sore every time he saw that smile; every time she looked somewhat happy when he was left stranded on a desolate plain with nothing and nobody except the mere memory of that smile directed at him. And yet he couldn’t bring himself to embrace that hate. He couldn’t bring himself to pull her outside from the safe confines of her family and shout and plead and beg and yell just to get her to look at him longer than a fraction of a second in order to force her to understand the torture that he felt. The torture she didn’t seem to feel.

His hands tightened around the grip of the weapon, thumb absent-mindedly rotating the cylinder, the clicking that accompanies it a constant sound in his brain. Almost calming.

The chair was hard beneath him, the ship rocking with the light waves and the sun was streaming in and dappling his profile like it used to do to hers. It was a lovely day, a beautiful day in fact, and he couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to die on a day like today, a day that reminded him so much of the others.

He gave the cylinder one last flick, letting it spin for a second or two before stopping it and clicking it back into place.

The wooden arm under his elbow was slightly softer than he remembered it being, a bit more comfortable. Maybe it’s because over time he had dug a small divot, maybe it’s because he’s been in this position too many times before.

He rested it against his temple. These weapons were certainly convenient, perhaps a bit loud for his taste, but they did have a certain class, much more so than a water-bloated body with the bites of small fish. The volume might help in his favor. Maybe she would finally hear him, though right now she wasn’t keen on listening.

When he swallowed it was thick, maybe with nerves, he didn’t know, maybe with peace. Whatever it was, he hoped it would be his last.

He shut his eyes softly, images of her playing behind his eyes, images of them. He could hear their laughs, could see their smiles, for once directed at him, and he smiled back with his eyes burning under the lids.

Warm air with the smell of the sea filled his lungs, the metal a cold bite against his temple, the trigger light under his finger.

His body was calm, his mind was clear, his heart was broken, and the weapon was obedient.

Click.

Until it wasn’t.

He growled in frustration, throwing the gun across the room with a bang softer than the previous it and cursed the Gods for his rotten luck. If he knew that his mantra of being a survivor would continuously throw itself back at him, he would’ve bragged about being a dead man.

One day his stupid gamble would play out in his favor, but the world just seems to have a funny sense of humor; pulling death away at the one time he truly wanted it. The time he needed it despite whatever torment would wait for him in the house of Hades. It would feel better than this.

With a frustrated growl he knocked the bottom or liquor off his desk, dropping his face into his hand at the glass shattered just like his soul, rum trickling into the floorboards that should’ve been stained with his blood.

He would try again. Maybe in a week. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in the next hour. Whenever the next time he felt the crushing weight of his demons on his shoulders like the sky Atlas was forced to hold for eternity.

Maybe in the next minute.

Maybe in the next second.

#captainswan fanart #captainswan fanfic #emma swan #ao3 fanfic #killian jones #once upon a time #ouat #It’s like super angsty so I’m told #I know for a fact that you people like it when these guys are suffering don’t even lie #And so do I #As long as they make up #Hope you like it if you choose to read!

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killuaisaprincess · 4 months

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reminder GONKI IS MORE CANON 😤😏 so anytime some kg person tries to send hate at you remember it’s just cuz they’re big mad Gonki more canon eheheh 😘🤭

#IS WHY I WONT LET ANY LOSER GET ME DOWN 😤#I KNOW ITS JUST CUZ THEY ARE BIG MAD THE DIRECTOR CALLED KI WIFE AND KIS VA TAGS STUFF GONKI EHEHEH 😘🥰#Naturally sadly on the west side there’s wayyyy more kg people so I don’t mean alll of them obvi but please #on twitter- I mean x #I am like the sole person in the English gonkillu tag mostly #And these kg fans got big mad when there was dare an artist in there for a while who was popular and used gonki tag #LIKE HOW DARE THEY LOL #Losers got so mad over a tag that has hardly anything in it #SO DONT LET ANY OF THEM DRAG YOU DOWN #Most the time they’re hypocrites and losers #AND I WONT LET ANY OF THEM EVER STOP ME #🤧😤🥰#Honestly they’re free to hate it like I hate kg but the fact they go to bully an artist the moment they dare to use the gonki tag is not #Acceptable #That tag isn’t there for you #Its for us few #ANYWAY ILL ALWAYS STAND MY GROUND FOR THE GONKIS #And trust me this is no lie I’ve been harassed ive seen people leave that were gonkis I have even had friends!#open gonki people tell me they are scared to post #LIKE WHAT YOU WANNA BUT LEAVE US ALONE #And no none of them can use the excuse of “heteronormative” or whatever else they want to get away with bullying #ESP NOT WHEN THEY WILL TURN AROUND AND DO THE SAME TROPES WITH THEIR VER LOL do what you want but do not be a hypocrite to send threats #Its all fiction there’s no need to play purity police god will def let you up into heaven cuz you told me to kill myself for #Having Ki in a dress #NOT LOL! TOO BAD 😤 AND KI IS A PRETTY PRINCESS WHO DESERVES DRESSES 😤 PERIOD #I’m sure there’s been a few rotten gk people I don’t accept them as my kin either but from the few of us I do know #We’re never gone to the kg tags or go to those people’s posts and fics LIKE WHY WOULD I EVEN WANNA SEE STUFF I HATE IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE #AND YES I HAVE TWO FOLLOWERS AND NO I HAVE NO ISSUE SPEAKING OUT ESP WHEN PEOPLE I KNOW GET HARASSED SPECIFICALLY BY A KG PERSON #I WILL GIVE US A PEP TALK 😤 ITS JUST CUZ THEY ARE BIG MAD YOU KEEP DOING YOU GONKI IS CANON 😤

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sapphic-luthor · 1 year

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i am really on the verge of identifying as a lesbian because i feel like that label really does fit me but what’s confusing me is that there is one fictional tv show character who’s a man who is probably the only man i’ll ever Like but it does really confuse me as to why i feel like i may find him attractive but never any man irl

would just like to generally casually direct you to the lesbian masterdoc just in case you were looking for a bit of a read this lovely friday eve

#i will say i am like attracted to many a man who does not exist #this was part of the reason i was able to affirm the fact that im a lesbian and ignore some of that comphet #is bc i realised i only liked men in theory and not in practice at all #in my early days i’d match men on tinder and flirt w them and run for my life if they tried to meet #i’d make eyes at boys at parties and as soon as they approached me be hugely unwelcoming #like i only liked men who didnt exist or whose traits i could invent myself in my mind #and before i knew i was a lesbian i thought that was me ‘being picky’#but actually it was me purposely (but not consciously) creating unattainable standards that no man alive could fill #because; reader; as you may have guessed; i did not and do not like men #but it took a while to work that out confidently! a long while #take your time in the meantime like #i always was annoyed by people who were like ‘labels don’t matter!’ bc i fucking wanted one i felt good about #and i got there eventually but all i can offer for advice in the meantime is like #nobody cares tbh. just lie. tell somebody you’re a lesbian then tell the next you’re bi and just fuckin wing it #nobody’s gonna bust your door down for using different labels whenever u feel like it #just . kiss women and have crushes on fictional men and eventually itll work its way into a label you’re comfortable with #answered #anonymous

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archersgaymerblog · 2 years

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Morrowind moments I desperately want to hyperanalyze but feel like I don’t have the language to do so: When the Nerevarine asks Vivec if they remember being mortal, and they say “For me — there is no more feeling. Only knowing.” And then a literal written [Pause] before Vivec says they do want to win though, not for their people, but because “To lose would be very, very bitter.” And how those two paragraphs alone shaped Vivec’s character for me more than anything else they said or did during that confrontation, as I felt it was one of the few moments we saw Vivec being completely, brutally, honest.

#my dumb textposts #LONG TAGS #coupled with the fact that right after you ask them how they feel about their people #and suddenly go on to say they love their people after literally JUST saying they no longer have the capacity to care for them #Vivec is a walking bundle of contradiction and is one of the most compelling and interesting characters in TES imo. voryn is also Up There #how the two of them counteract each other during the nerevarine’s story is also very compelling to me #Vivec describes dagoth ur as a deceiver and manipulator who will seek to deceive the nerevarine. however by all accounts-#-dagoth ur is TERRIFYINGLY honest towards the nerevarine. he gives what I believe is the most accurate rendition of the events that-#occurred on red mountain after the war. Vivec on the other hand carries themself as only incredibly honest and truthful -#- even going so far as to claim they eradicated the idea of the contradiction in their sermons. but Vivec just IS a contradiction.-#-their godhood (and the godhood of the other tribunal) is built on the foundation of a lie that they desperately tried to suppress as-#-they grew weaker in power. they claim to be honest but lie to your face. in their most honest rendition of the events of red mountain they-#-don’t even MENTION nerevar’s passing (the written account taken from their library). it’s just implied that Nerevar died and they don’t-#-touch on HOW it happened. and in my mind I read that as like. they know what happened. but this is an honest retelling. but they couldn’t-#-tell the truth but they wouldn’t outright lie either. so they just didn’t mention nerevar’s death at /all./#idk where I’m going with the tags just. Vivec is so gd interesting. in all their complexities and super moral grayness.#and hey - I recognize others might not see the events the same. Morrowind is a game of unreliable narrators!! it’s about piecing-#-the story together in a way that gives you and your character the most closure. there’s no hard truth or right answer.#there isn’t a bug evil dragon labeled the Most Evilest Dragon for you to defeat. it’s a story where even after finishing it… there’s a-#-sense of like. did you really do what was best? is this land that is now your responsibility going to prosper from your actions?#and honest to god the fact that Skyrim comes in and says ‘It doesn’t.’ is fucking RIVETING. YOU WERE A DAEDRA PLOY THE WHOLE TIME!!#AZURA DIDNT CARE SHE JUST WANTED REVENGE. AND NOW YOU LIVE WITH THAT FOREVER BECAUSE OF THE CORPRUS THAT YOU WERE DESTINED BY HER TO GET.#FUCKING STELLAR WRITING I LOVE MORROWIND #I HAVE TO GET TO SLEEP I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW. ITS JUST ONE CLASS BUT ITS EARLY SO

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fancy-marshmallow · 8 months

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it’s not august anymore :((((((((

#fancy thoughts #but like really. I hate fall I hate it !!!! I am in fact. A hater #I want to feel the sun on my skin and tbh !!! I feel kind of cheated out of that I spent all summer inside until I was outside for a while #But I WASNT ALLOWED TO PUT ON SUNSCREEN. so the sun on my skin did NOT feel good.#Today I got to take a moment to literally lie face down on the grass though it was sooooo nice. Good way to end a great month yknow :)#Tbh. I get why people just lie there on the beach in the sun now I don’t like getting tan but. I would do that at this point in my life #Anyway. Bye august thanks for having pretty nice weather 👍

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eeunwoo · 8 months

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this is super on brand for me but today I’m experiencing debilitating frustration @ being misunderstood on the internet like some kind of loser 😩

#I’m v open and literally never lie unless it’s needed #so u can see why I struggle with people trying to claim the opposite when they don’t know me. or make assumptions and pass them off as fact #or come to conclusions without asking anyone who would actually know #and if you see some of my posts you’d argue the same about me but the fact is if I post something that could change peoples views about #somebody else .. I check with multiple people who know #that’s why the v@l and her bestie situation was particularly upsetting bc there’s an entire group of people who knows I’m right but. didn’t #say anything in support and just let a bunch of ppl send me anon hate and invent things that aren’t true #and use that situation to fit fake narratives they already thought of before #I’m not dredging it up again I’m just using it as an example #or the anon on my last blog listing a bunch of things about me that they got completely wrong and didn’t bother asking about #and sometimes I always think about clarifying those things in a huge post. but then I remember those people will just find something new to #cling on to. so there’s no point.#but it doesn’t mean it’s not upsetting. you know ?#and it’s not about a single person or anything it’s just. in general.#I’ve been criticised for admitting I’m not perfect and can be an asshole about things and somebody basically said that’s not ok either #so it’s like whatever I do sucks anyway sjdjsdn #and that’s what bothers me I think. that I doubt I’d be shunned and blacklisted as a creator to THIS extent if people took the time to #actually ask me if the things people say are true and what my explanation is #anyways ..#mrow.org

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nothingweirdhere · 2 years

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people be like “don’t follow unless your bio includes your race, sexuality, gender, date & place of birth, full legal name, home address, mother’s maiden name, and social security number k thanks”

#yes i just saw a blog that said ‘dni if you don’t have your age and race in your bio’ and yes i’m mad #it’s weird!!! it’s fucking weird!!!!!#like fine okay you don’t want minors or white people or cis people or straight people or whatever to interact #kinda weird but okay #(it’s a public blog like)#(idk. seems weird)#(make a private twitter or something if u wanna be like that)#(but fine whatever)#but when people insist u list that shit publicly???#like bro there’s this radical new concept maybe you’ve never heard of it but it’s called privacy????#also ffs PEOPLE LIE #WHY DO YALL ACT LIKE ‘LISTED IN BIO’ = ABSOLUTE UNDENIABLE TRUTH???????#PLZ STOP ACTING LIKE U CAN TRUST PEOPLE 100% BECAUSE THEY LISTED PERSONAL DETAILS PUBLICLY #*deep breath* anyway. it’s weird #like ok u have a blog aimed towards trans folks #i still think it’s odd to insist that no cis people follow/interact but fine i get what you’re going for #but if you say that people need to have the fact that they’re trans publicly in their bio or carrd or whatever to follow???#nah. fuck that #like especially in that hypothetical situation cuz like #maybe people are closeted???? u ever think of that????#hhhhh it just. stop demanding details about people #it’s weird #(and fuck like this isn’t even cuz i personally care)#(like i have my name and sexuality and whatever public idgaf)#(but insisting on it?? fuck off)#jx.txt

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iloveyoumorethansoup · 2 years

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I think it’s time for some good old fashioned journaling since I can post again

#so. as y’all know the reason I’ve been largely avoiding posting and interacting with me is bc one of my friends thought it was funny to #find my account right? however as a joke a few weeks ago she was like haha look at what I can see #naturally that made me incredibly unhappy and until I could have a serious conversation with her I all but stopped speaking to her #i had a conversation with her and pretty much put it down to there are things I do not want to share with you and you severely went against #my privacy and this is not something I will get over if forgive. hopefully eventually I will move past it #and she was pretty much like oh yeah my bad it was a bad taste joke didn’t know u cared so much #like. I’ve been saying for Years. do not come find me or it will end our friendship. to any close friend I’ve come across #i genuinely don’t think she understood why I was so upset just due to the fact that she fundamentally doesn’t care about things #like she does not have interests. that’s not something she does. when she has an occasional one she would rather die than admit she cares #and in general it’s whatever. u do u. but when that stops you from seeing how much other people care about things? we have problems #she literally said to my face oh sorry I didn’t know tumblr was your deepest darkest secret #like. you’ve got to be kidding me #she wasn’t defensive when I tried to talk to her. but I really don’t think she got why I’m so upset about this. like not a clue #she was just like. ok. my bad. i won’t be back and I haven’t been back #which. was a lie she has been and I called her out on that and she literally was like. well. except for that #and she asked me like oh do u have anything else u wanna say and I was like not now but maybe later #i knew I wasn’t going to just forgive her. i know my trust isn’t just rebuildable I have trust issues as it is. but I don’t think that #conversation fixed a single thing. i pretty much just let her know I was upset with her. that is all that accomplished.#i don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget this honestly. and quite frankly I have no wish to continue to speak to her as it is #unfortunately my future sits with her as she’s moving to college with me next year where I’ll have to rely on her for rides and then to #cali where we’re moving in with several friends #this isn’t something that can be fixed. and she just keeps FaceTiming me like we’re good and I keep declining #I’m just so torn bc honestly my go to for this situation is cut off contact no one is worth me losing my sense of privacy. no one #but I don’t think I can here. as it stands I will be relying on her. i guess I could do it myself but it will be a massive pain #as cold as it seems to weigh someone’s existence in my life in an unemotional pros and cons list unfortunately I haven’t the luxury of #looking at this from an emotional standpoint. though to be fair. I’ve learned to not rely on my emotions for decisions #soup talks #girl hit me right in the worst sort of trauma I have and I finally have the opportunity to do what I wish I could have done years ago. leave #start fresh. start with people who don’t know me yet who will respect my privacy. who make me feel safe

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beardedhandstoadshark · 2 years

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Um the Encanto (Disney) tag is also flood with pr*sh*tter too!! like please please please people just make an oc / self ship with the characters already instead of shipping a fictional minor with an adult who is ALSO related.. it’s truly disgusting 🤮

oof I‘m so sorry they’re filling that one too, I‘ve they’re also new there then I‘m getting the feeling it’s a bunch of trolls just spamming different tags for 'fun'

And the fact that they’re always so obsessed with specifically only ever shipping that stuff

Plus every time someone calls them out for it being weird it’s like 'uwu I know it’s not cool in rl these ships are not real anyways I can do what I want you’re just all mean and hateful uwu' buddy that’s great for you but you’re still glorifying it and your glorification is VERY MUCH REAL

Not to mention that the whole reason people wanna see certain things in media is because by showing it as normal in a fictional setting it’s a way to normalize in real life as well, and idk why they think it somehow applies to everything except and only their crap

#another anon ask #rant #negative #yea sorry about this but it’s just infuriating #also most of them are ADULTS #which has REALLY bad implications considering the minor shipping #and the fact that it’s just. incredibly uncomfortable to see someone interpret romantic stuff into everything siblings do #these people CANNOT have siblings or else they’d see what the fuck they’re writing there #also saying yes it’s bad in irl doesn’t mean they actually believe it #because hey! people lie on the internet! who would’ve thought!#but my favorites are the ones that go 'um actually I don’t write siblings or minor/adults that’s weird'#then please explain why you’re calling yourself a prosh-er when that’s kinda what they’re all about #because something CLEARY DOESNT ADD UP HERE #i genuinely don’t care about ships but there is a limit and it’s this

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bootleg-nessie · 6 months

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Rating band names based on their accuracy:

(I keep updating this list so check back later)

The Beatles: 3/10. None of these people are beetles, they’re just a bunch of fruity guys from Liverpool with matching haircuts

(Edit: changed from 0/10 to 3/10 because John Lennon beat his wife)

Pink Floyd: 4/10. There is not a single person named Floyd in the band, but some of the members do arguably look kinda pink

Nirvana: 10/10. Getting high and listening to Nirvana is roughly what I imagine actual nirvana to be like

Foo Fighters: either 0/10 or 10/10. I have never seen foo in real life so either they’re pretending to fight a problem that doesn’t exist or they’re doing an absolutely fantastic job of fighting it

The Eagles: 0/10. Same as the Beatles, there is not a single eagle in this band. The name is misleading and we have all been lied to

Queen: 6/10. Partial points for Freddie Mercury

Led Zeppelin: 0/10. I don’t think any of these guys have ever even seen a zeppelin, let alone one made of lead. A lead balloon would crash faster than my hopes and dreams

The Rolling Stones: 3/10. There is not a single stone in this band. Some points added because I’m pretty sure they rolled quite a few

U2: 0/10. Despite what the name says, I am not a member of this band

Metallica: 9/10. Naming a metal band “Metallica” is like naming your dog “doggy”

Red Hot Chili Peppers: 2/10. These guys are not chili peppers. They’re not even that hot, let alone red hot

Guns N’ Roses: 0/10. How the fuck could a gun or a flower play music

Backstreet Boys: ?/10. Depends entirely on their current given location

Simon and Garfunkel: 10/10. No notes

The Doors: 1/10. Jim Morrison is kinda shaped like a door tho

Chicago: 4/10. The number of people in this band does not come even remotely close to the population of Chicago. Points added because it originated in Chicago

Earth, wind, and fire: 2/10. This is even more innacurate than Chicago. Points added because wind instruments were often used

Def Leppard: 3/10. There is not a single leopard in this band. Some of the members are probably kinda deaf by now tho

The Beach Boys: ?/10. Accuracy depends entirely on location

The Black Eyed Peas: 6/10. Not sure what the hell an ‘eyed pea’ is but the black part is pretty accurate

Imagine Dragons: ?/10. Depends entirely on whether or not they’re thinking about dragons.

Cage the Elephant: 1/10. Why would you do that. Let the elephant go

Green Day: 0/10. They’re not even green

The Police: 0/10. There is not a single cop in this band

KISS: 5/10. I’m sure they probably kissed sometimes

The Monkees: 0/10. Are you fucking kidding me

We Butter the Bread with Butter: 8/10. I can’t verify this but I have no reason to suspect that they’d lie. Butter seems like the most logical thing to butter bread with

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard: 0/10. I got really excited about the concept of a lizard wizard only to be let down. My disappointment is immeasurable

They Might Be Giants: 5/10. I googled everyone in this band’s height, the tallest guy’s only 6’1 so I wouldn’t exactly consider him a giant. Then again, I can’t really argue because the claim was only that they MIGHT be giants

The Presidents of the United States of America: 2/10. None of these people are Joe Biden nor are any of them former presidents. This is incredibly misleading. I’m pretty sure “Lump” was written about my first girlfriend tho so I’ll give them a point or two

Gorillaz: 2/10 Not quite but we’re kinda close genetically so I’ll give them partial credit

The Killers: ?/10. I have no way of verifying if they’ve actually killed before but the fact that they’re not in prison tells me probably not

The Offspring: 10/10. These guys are definitely somebody’s offspring

Arctic Monkeys: 1/10. They are neither monkeys nor are they from the arctic

Thirty Seconds to Mars: 1/10. It takes WAY longer to get to mars than that

Beastie Boys: 8/10. They’re pretty beast on the guitar

Jimmy Eat World: 1/10. Slow the fuck down Jimmy, you’re biting off way more than you can chew

Hole: 9/10. One point deducted because I’m pretty sure they had more than one hole

Rage Against the Machine: 10/10. They did exactly that

Alice In Chains: 0/10. This is illegal. Let Alice go

The Band: 10/10. This could not possibly be more accurate

Nine Inch Nails: 1/10. I can’t find any good pictures of their feet but from what I can tell their fingernails definitely aren’t nine inches long

Bush: ?/10. Not quite sure about this one, felt uncomfortable asking

The Who: 2/10. I’m not dealing with this “Who’s On First” bullshit

Radiohead: 0/10. Not a single person in this band has a radio for a head

Queens of the Stone Age: 0/10. This band should be called “five random dudes from the modern era” but FRDFTMA is a bit of a mouthful

Soundgarden: 2/10. Sound does not grow in the garden

Sonic Youth: 5/10. They’re not exactly youth anymore but the sonic part checks out

Talking heads: 8/10. There’s more to the band than just a bunch of disembodied heads but the heads do tend to talk

The Cranberries: 0/10. Decent music but I only added them so that the Beatles and Freddie Mercury weren’t the only fruits on this list

The Wiggles: 8/10. They do tend to wiggle a lot

Blue Man Group: 10/10. Yep!

Weezer: 5/10. They all look like they definitely have asthma

Limp Bizkit: 3/10. While the visual image of baked goods playing the guitar is hilarious, Fred durst is not a biscuit. Points added because he probably has erectile dysfunction

Stone Temple Pilots: 0/10. None of these people are accredited as being licensed to pilot anything, much less an entire stone temple. Stone temples don’t need pilots anyways

Wasted Youth: 8/10. I guess it really kinda depends on how you frame it but yeah, they probably wasted a lot of it

Them Crooked Vultures: 3/10. These are people and not birds but Dave Grohl’s posture is kinda bad and John Paul Jones is so old that his neck kinda looks like a vulture’s so I added some points

Audioslave: 0/10. Slavery is illegal

Traveling Wilburys: 4/10. Sure, they traveled a lot but not a single one of those lying bastards was named Wilbury

D12: 6/12. There were only 6 people in this band

NWA: 10/10. I’m a little too white to safely comment on this one but I’d say they nailed it

Jet: 1/10. A real jet would be way too loud

Goldfinger: 0/10. Not a single person in this band has a finger made out of gold

No Doubt: ?/10. I can’t really be too sure how Gwen Stefani felt but I think it’s probably a safe assumption that she had some doubts

The White Stripes: 3/10. I bet if you stripped them down naked and made them stand shoulder to shoulder and squinted really hard they’d probably look more like white stripes

Screaming trees: 3/10. They scream occasionally

Garbage: 2/10. I think they’re being a little harsh on themselves, their music isn’t THAT bad

Butthole Surfers: 5/10. Not even gonna touch this one

Megadeth: 3/10. To be fair, some of the former members are dead but only a little amount of death, not mega death

Dead Kennedys: 2/10. Last I checked Kennedy was still dead but neither he nor his clones are members of this band

Cake: 0/10. The cake is a lie

Cracker: 8/10. Most of them are

Tool: 7/10. I don’t know much about their music but they sure look like tools

Counting Crows: ?/10. Is this what emo kids do instead of counting sheep? Accuracy depends on whatever bird they happen to be counting at the moment

Dave Matthews Band: 10/10. It certainly is

Oasis: 1/10. Their music is the opposite of an oasis

Blur: 2/10. They are not that fast

Barenaked Ladies: 0/10. If I wanted to be this disappointed I’d reestablish a connection with my biological father instead

Meat Puppets: 10/10. Technically, aren’t we all?

Live: 8/10. Apparently they still do live shows but I deducted some points because I’ve only ever heard their music on Spotify

ABBA: 9/10. I’m still not giving any points to Guns N’ Roses but that’s mostly out of spite

5 Finger Death Punch: 8/10 I guess it probably depends on how hard you hit them but this seems to be the usual amount of fingers to punch somebody with

All American Rejects: 9/10. They’re all rejects from America so I don’t really see any issue with this

T. Rex: 0/10. Even if any of these people WAS a T. Rex I don’t think their arms would be long enough to play their instruments

Free: 0/10. Unless you steal their music, in which case it becomes a 10/10

The Strokes: 3/10. To my knowledge, none of them have had a stroke but I still added a few points because the name was probably accurate for other reasons

The Smashing Pumpkins ?/10. Another thing I have no way of verifying but this seems like a waste of perfectly good pumpkins

Therapy?: ?/10. The hell are they asking me for? I don’t know their medical history

Twenty One Pilots. 0/10. There’s only two of them and neither is a licensed pilot

Finger Eleven: 0/10. Leave the poor Stranger Things girl out of this

Fall Out Boy: 9/10. I conferred with an expert on this one who confirmed that they are in fact boys who had a falling out

Cream: 8/10. Considering this was the OG supergroup I’m sure a lot of people did in fact cream when their music came out

Edit: humans aren’t fucking monkeys. Stop saying we are

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