#for feeling emotion itself

[tubbytarchia]

I don't know what this is all I know is that LimL Joel makes me really emotional

#I know he has a tendency to go deranged on his red lives but idk something about him beginning to lose it after Jimmy died and killing Grian #joel smallishbeans #smallishbeans fanart #trafficblr #Again its his red life shenanigans but... If only Jimmy had known how affected someone was by his death. I'm choosing to believe this #and him then going out like a sad pathetic wet cat even with Grian's sacrifice... He really deserves a win one of these days lmao please #Also I cant stop thinking about how Jimmy wouldn't have left him. Grian was sensible to and most players probs would have #Joel really does become a lost cause so its fair and Grian did still care (and went to say goodbye as well as sacrifice his time for him) #But Jimmy would have stuck by even if Joel were in this state (and they'd both get themselves killed pathetically but) #And Joel having shown such genuine care for Jimmy and concern over his limited time... man anything w Jimmy makes me so emotional lol #I love them so #oh Ig about the art itself. I dont like it but hey thats how it tends to go when you try smth new. And no shame in trying #but if one person likes this then yayy I will still feel accomplished and happy #Im looking at this again and hey its not that bad actually yay I love to approve of my own art. self love hell yea #tubby art

[theoldkyokodied]

Uploading all my Tomgreg art at once from the past few week before season 4 hits, who knows in what kind of mental state i'm gonna be once it does :')

#tomgreg #succession #dont even talk to me i started watching this show when i had nothing to do at work and now i watch it with averiel my good friend averiel #and we are going to watch s4 together and i feel physically ill from bein so excited #so ya thats what ive been up to... anyway. i love these idiots they desever nothing but the worst (affectionate) #im also a tomshiv lover btw. im the one who yells 'THIS IS HOW TOMSHIV CAN STILL WIN' while they are actively losing on screen #thats the kind of person i am #dont look at me (lying on the floor) #okay i was not going to say stuff in the tags and let the art speak for itself but i NEED to point out details in the wine Painting.. #i put a lot of work into that one. thinly veiled metaphors and symbolism yknow.. #greg is gripping the stem of the wine glass with his full fist. tom and greg are dressed in the same outfit (sock garters included) #greg look appalled but he is not doing anything about the spill. tom is fondly pouring greg more and more wine. he is doing him a favor #i colored the red wine the same way i would color blood :) oh and tom is not really touching greg #only holding the chair in place. greg is making himself look smaller than he is like usual #oh and @ the person who said that it's the inverse of the tom and nate scene i love the way you think. i did not think of that before #but god. yeah. i actually thought about the scene change from when roman uhh.. christens his office in s1. the one with the coffee machine #i always go insane at that cut. this is not exactly the same since it's more.. about emotions but yknow.. it can be.. the same...

[itspileofgoodthings]

one of my favorite things about pride and prejudice is that in the last third of the book Elizabeth’s internal monologue about Darcy is her admitting that she’s in love with him but also putting all sorts of qualifications around that statement that kind of ...tamp down the level of emotion (the “feelings, if not as tender as Jane’s for Bingley, at least as just” line, even the whole thing about her and Darcy being well-matched objectively speaking) and as soon as she’s engaged you get the unbridled joy in the narrative about her own joy, cc: “I am happier even than Jane; she only smiles, I laugh.” 

#pride and prejudice #jane austen #this is very obvious but it's in the narration itself #that she's trying to sort of distance herself from the depths of her own feelings in case this DOESN'T work out #i also think the rational stuff is totally true and she would say that after as well but she would say it in a different way #idk i just love it. it's so subtle and it's so true #also very obvious?? i feel like i'm making a very obvious point #but anyway 'elizabeth's feelings soon rising to playfulness etc. etc.' #also this is why i hated the end of a civil contract actually #i felt like she was tamping it all down and for some reason it just made me SO mad #like no. it's supposed to OVERFLOW NOW #adam being like 'and in the end the rational choice was jenny' sir i will FIGHT YOU IN THE PARKING LOT #idk i was student teaching and very emotional at the time maybe i missed something and read it wrong #but my entire spirit REBELED #like. how honestly DARE #i'm avoiding grading can you tell #yes you can I will go now

[uncanny-tranny]

If I'm honest, the whole "love in every stitch" saying for fiber artists does not apply to me, like. I'm trying to get this fucking hook into stubborn yarn and I'll be stabbing it like it owed me money. Is that love because I hope not 😭💀

#art #crochet #honestly the closest thing i feel to love when crocheting is this feeling that this is bigger than me if that makes sense... #...i think it'sthe feeling of knowing how old the craft itself is and knowing that millions of people have done the same as you... #...millions of people have stabbed their crochet hook into the yarn because it's stubborn but so are you... #...millions of people in the past have sat and devoted their time and effort into all of this... #...millions of people have passed on this knowledge and kept this thing alive... #...and it's the feeling of knowing that humans across millenia aren't THAT different #to our core we are more or less similar - across the ages across the colours across everything. that really comforts and humbles me #have you looked up ancient textiles? because that also sparks these emotions in me #it makes me think about the tupes of people to make the textile but also about who wore it #and so many of them are still beautiful and colourful and it shows you SO MUCH about the people who made them #even the ones that are tattered and faded and stripped of colour still feel beautiful... #...because it has SURVIVED. it is evidence of a people who made it and a people who had technical skills #and THIS is why i HATE HATE HATE the idea that ancient people were just 'dumb' and 'uneducated' #that is so unfair to them and cruel and just. wrong. (and often it reeks of white supremacy) #i'm sorry i rant and rave about this so much but i canNOT be normal about this. i can't be normal about humanity #i am learning to love humanity and learn about us and learn everything and it'll never be enough - i will never know enough #i will never know everything about everybody and it will be the death of me #okay the only thing i liked about the greatest showman movie was Never Enough because that is me thinking about all this

[turtleblogatlast]

Thinking about the Don Suave scene and what it means in terms of LGBTQ+ representation because my brain does nothing if not torment me with random topics to ramble about on the regular.

Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about why I like the scene but to get it out of the way - the scene can very easily be interpreted in so many different ways, and all of them are valid. I personally see it as Leo having at least some attraction to a man. And the following is an explanation of my own interpretation and thoughts on it and what it means especially for Leo’s portrayal in the grand scheme of things.

Long-winded interpretation under the cut!

Now, to start with, it’s important to me that in the scene Leo looks at Don Suave in the very beginning and then for the entirety of the rest of the time the man is on screen, Leo’s eyes are closed. Yet, in the end, he is still visibly enamored with Don Suave, happily cuddling up to him as he’s being carried away.

You can very easily interpret this as Leo being spellbound and that’s honestly super valid and I believe he likely was at least somewhat in the beginning, but considering how fast he looked away and how he never looked again, I personally think it makes more sense to read it as Leo just finding the man attractive, at least somewhat. (For the record, I personally headcanon Rise Leo as bisexual with a heavy preference for men, but I want to be blunt when I say that any interpretation is valid. Literally any. Ace, pan, gay, bi, none of the above or a mixture of something new literally all of it is more than okay and fair. Hell you could even interpret this entire scene as more romantic attraction than physical and it would still work. Anything goes!! Don’t bother people, guys, really.)

The main reason I take this scene to be at the very least LGBTQ+ adjacent isn’t just because of how it’s portrayed, but because of who Leonardo is. Not in terms of Rise of the TMNT, but in terms of the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles™️ franchise.

Leo’s a character who, while changing with each iteration, has still at his core been around for decades upon decades as “the blue one”. One fourth of the team. He’s the one most are going to look at as the Leader, and oftentimes he is the one closest to having the title of Main Character. Not to say the others aren’t just as important, but Leo’s presence in the A plots of basically all TMNT media is often something very main character-esque.

And that’s very, very important to note. Here we have a Main Character of a prolific and decades long-running franchise distributed by a children’s television network. You can play around with his and his brothers’ characters all you like, but there is always going to be challenges to dodge around, especially since this was still in 2018-2019.

For example, you can play around with their designs so long as they’re color coded turtles, but their sexualities? Now that’s tricky.

“But what about Hypno and Warren?” Not main characters and also they’re Rise originals. They have a lot more room to play around with than a character like Leo does. But even talking about main characters in the franchise, you could arguably have an easier time playing around with Donnie or Mikey’s sexualities than Leo or even Raph, as (unfortunately) the former two tend to get more B plots, so they’d likely have had a little more leeway (still not a lot though.)

So, where does this leave us?

It leaves us in a place where outright stating and/or showing undeniable proof of Leo’s attraction to men is very, very difficult. So, workarounds!

Workarounds like the entire Don Suave situation.

To be honest, as left up to interpretation and lowkey and deniable as it is, this whole scene means a lot to me because of who Leo is as a character. It’s just nice when we get so see even the bare bones of representation with characters that have been such a large part of pop culture for decades, y’know? Even if more would be so much nicer, this is better than I thought we’d ever get for these boys.

And, again, literally nothing I’ve said is the only way to interpret it, I’m more than happy when people interpret media on their own honestly, it’s just something I’ve been thinking of lately and I was wondering if others felt the same way.

Whatever you think when you interpret this scene or Rise Leo as a whole, I just thought this would be interesting to think about, even if it was ramble-y, haha.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt headcanons #rottmnt leo #rise leo #rise don suave #rottmnt don suave #I lied I’m back to ramble because I’m just #so bad at keeping my mouth shut #or uh #not typing word vomit #anyway- yeah this is my personal interpretation #I believe Leo was legitimately mesmerized by Don Suave’s powers…in the beginning #but even the series’ creator says it was ‘at least PART of what was going on with Leo’ so #idk it’s something that’s been on my mind and I was wondering if anyone else felt the same?? #may delete this later who knowssss #pleaaaase feel free to disagree I just like to talk lol #but yeah sometimes I look around at how much media has LGBTQ+ rep in it now and it honestly makes me emotional?? #(we always always ALWAYS could use more but) #we did not have even a crumb of this as kids #but also like most of that rep is new properties #and I just was thinking about what that could mean #idk man idk #once again please don’t take this as facts it is VERY MUCH NOT #man I was looking around for good images to use and found jack all #anyway tho did you know Donnie often has bi colors around him and Leo is often dressed in the colors of the trans flag- #okay anyway back to the caves I go this comic won’t draw itself #I gotta spray myself with water any time I go to type long winded essays because they’re not great for the mental health fr

[canisalbus]

Your art is so poignant and skillfully executed. I'm always excited to see what you create, and all the various influences that are revealed(or hidden) in each art piece.

That being said, I was not prepared for the sudden influx of Sad Dog x Bright Dog art you've been sharing recently! Machete having the potential of being loved and enjoying tenderness despite himself is one of The Best reveals of 2023. I enjoy how you express his relationship and struggles just as much as i enjoyed the stand alone pieces you've shared.

Thank you much for sharing the broader stories and pictures of your characters 💓

.

#aw dangit you're making me all emotional #thank you! that was such a lovely comment #sad dog x bright dog art has been the theme of this summer that's for sure #and I'm really moved by the overwhelmingly positive response my dogs have gotten #people genuinely seem to root for them and wish them good things #not to sound too sentimental but Machete has functioned as a misery sink for me for so long #I've spent years putting him through the meat grinder over and over again and while it has been cathartic in itself #it feels almost like a healing moment to give him some hope and happiness and someone to be with #and it's very rewarding to notice that this hasn't gone unnoticed by people who have been following my art and characters for a while #character growth #answered #anonymous #“having the potential of being loved” broke me just a little bit #like yeah who knew

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Oh stars. I just read Martha Wells' most recent interview with Gizmodo and I KNEW System Collapse was going to be a rough ride but uhhhhh I'm so not ready for it lmao.

From the synopsis of System Collapse:

But there’s something wrong with Murderbot; it isn’t running within normal operational parameters. ART’s crew and the humans from Preservation are [...] going to have to hope Murderbot figures out what’s wrong with itself, and fast!

And between this interview quote:

“System Collapse takes place a few days after Network Effect,” Wells said. “And Murderbot is dealing with a lot of the repercussions of that novel, emotionally and, to some extent, physically.”

And:

“It hit me, finally, what the missing piece was. This book is really about Murderbot dealing with the really traumatic experience of Network Effect…

I'm going to have to do some serious prep for emotional damages lmao. Like I was really hoping for SC to at least touch on the trauma of NE and that said trauma would be affecting the main plot... but I wasn't expecting too much more than that because it's rare, in my experience, for writers (of books or shows) to spend more than a moment or two on past narrative traumas. But this very much sounds like the book is going to be centered around that trauma and I'm not.... ready for that.

I really should have been expecting this though because I've already discussed the possible implications of the title itself: System Collapse. As in, an emotional collapse. A breakdown.

But it's very different to have it confirmed that yes, Murderbot is good to be dealing with the emotional fallout of the very traumatic events of the previous book and yes said fallout is going to be central to the entire book.

#im gonna be sick <3 #the murderbot diaries #murderbot diaries #martha wells #martha wells interviews #system collapse #system collapse spoilers #murderbot spoilers #im used to emotional trauma being explored in fic but im not used to getting it in canon itself #and i have a LOT of feelings regarding Murderbot and its emotional breakdown we've already witnessed and #I'll be writing a post on that here in a sec because there are some things that occured to me the other day that have me cndjjfnjd

[lilpatison]

𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥

𝘖𝘳 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘮𝘦 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙙?

𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘺,

𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠 𝙢𝙮 𝙬𝙖𝙮

#Crowley seeing Aziraphale as his star similar to how Stolas (from helluvaboss) sees Blitzo as his moon #also them both having to loose the love of their life because they can’t communicate their feelings properly #and because their partner has way too much emotional baggage and trauma. #I think it fits. #(only in this way though. Cause yeah the song itself is of a completely different relationship dynamic.) #good omens #good omens season 2 #ineffable husbands #crowley fanart

[unspokenstydia]

✰ ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, GOT THE WRONG INSIDES. ✰

THEO RAEKEN: THE KINTSUGI KID “Real pain is emotional pain. That is the kind of pain that lasts.” 

#it’s theo’s false tears of deceit versus these moments of real emotion slipping through. the terror of letting himself feel. #the impossibility of it. and then it’s the dread doctors’ syringe and how carelessly and callously he would give life back and rip it away #doling out both resurrection and murder with this drilled-in emotional distance. perfecting every action to be so necessarily heartless #because bodies were test sites and weapons and /his/ body was an appendage in itself of someone else’s agenda— #versus his own flesh upon gabe’s in this one selfless moment. and how his touch is gentle and light and his hesitance underscores every beat #and how inundating the revelation is—that he’s capable of this. that it's all possible for him. #and how perilous it must be to look forward from that post-hell hinge point and know that the death of the myth he was promised is only the #beginning of his life. and all of this is difficult and painful in ways that are brand new but must (avowedly/somehow/please) #be worth that pain. #theo raeken #flashing gif #tw: blood #twedit #teenwolfedit #teen wolf #fyteenwolf #cody christian #tvedit #fall out boy #so much (for) stardust #there's something so staggering about the fact that theo (in cody's imagination) stays. #he's not much of a pack animal and scott's never going to forgive him and it doesn't matter who forgets because mason won't and #he'sbarelyevenhumanlikeacheapknockoffdotheylookredtoyouithinkyoupushedherandithinkyoulikedit and #he stays. #like. i don’t know how i’m expected to be okay about any of this! i’m undone!! it’s shattering and stunning #and so is the kintsugi kid in the context of like. my insides are copper and i’d kill to make them gold / do you ever get the feeling that #your insides and your outsides don’t really go together? / i wonder at the way that someone can write thousands and thousands of pages about #my insides / it’s about feeling all right and feeling safe in your own skin / on the bright side got the wrong insides !! #and [back to theo] this chorus as a callback to ‘when i’m just the ghost of nothing nothing’ in from now on we are enemies #anyway . will the real hard hard pills to swallow please stand up.

[landoffreaksandfrogs]

the summoner hesitates.

#homestuck art #homestuck #lofaf art #the handmaid homestuck #the summoner homestuck #hi. walk with me into my headcanon zone. #the handmaid being regarded as a herald of chaos and death because she keeps turning up during rebellions #prolonging the war by giving the lowbloods even a CHANCE #as a total wildcard renegade. #she assists summoners rebellion but she wrestles with the guilt of leading him to his defeat and death #so she tries. she tries to talk him out of it. for him to run away. her small. small act of defiance against her purpose #and hes scared. hes so scared. he doesnt want to die. hes so young. he believes her. it seems like hell back down and run away. #run away with her. #but he refuses. there are worse things than dying. #she feels betrayed and angry and like nothing matters and abandons him and his army to be defeated #hes off his a-game and mindfang sees that the end of the rebellion is near. she gets ready to sell summoner out and flee #BOOM. emotions. BOOM. drama. THEY KILL EACH OTHER. THE ARMY IS SQUASHED. #handmaid just watches it happen and her heart finally shrivels itself up for good.

[lord-squiggletits]

Y'know another point on the "Pharma isn't a Functionist" scoreboard (not that I haven't thoroughly debunked that by now but whatever) is that a preoccupation with hands isn't something unique to him.

The entire practice of empurata involves removing a mech's face and replacing their hands with claws, so literally Cybertronian society has always had a sort of judgement/taboo around hands (skillful forged hands, dirty/criminal claws). Even if Pharma were actually obsessed with his hands which he has a right to bc they're part of his body and belong to him so it's less obsession and more a fear of his bodily autonomy being violated, you can't use that to immediately declare him a Functionist when there are other cultural reasons that having one's hands removed is considered terrifying/dehumanizing and was historically used as a method of punishment and visually distinguishing someone as a criminal who should be socially ostracized.

Plus Pharma is a doctor and has only ever been a doctor his entire life, everything he is or has ever done is tied to being a doctor and being a doctor relies on him having his hands. Of course he's going to be proud of his hands or be upset when they're taken away, because having his hands taken away is, literally and symbolically, taking away his identity and the thing he's best at/most proud of being able to do.

#squiggposting #pharma apologism #i'm sorry for the chronic pharmaposting but like he's literally one of the only things #that reliably motivates my brain to peel itself off of the floor and do any kind of thinking or creativity #but anyways. when it comes to pharma i am once again asking this fandom #to stop and consider if pharma is actually insane and obsessive or if his actions #are just a manifestation of emotions that everyone feels and a fear of having his body violated in a way anyone would be afraid of #also no one ever gave ratchet as much shit for talking about how forged hands are the best #as much as they give pharma shit for being 'obsessed/proud of his hands'

[feline-evil]

Hiding my shirt that says 'i am not normal about narratives that imply an inanimate inhabited structure is a living breathing organism' as i walk into a board room and pitch my idea that we should make more horror revolving around living architecture

#jay talkin #I JUST. I JUST. i'm thinking about old haunted house movies that have this grimy sticky feeling to the house #where the evil is not just afflicted to wood and bricksbut eminates from it as a hatred #the house itself hates you. the voice screaming get out is born on the vocal chords of the hallway #i am also thinking about The Hotel the podcast you should all already be streaming CHOP CHOP CMON NOW #which is of course a more unique and i would say more abstract sister to this concept #(said deeply positively the concepts and horror explored make my brain ping pong rapidly) #which is another reason you should be listening because it does its own thing that i think you should listen to and discover yrself :) #(and also it is far more than this this is just a tiny SLITHER of what is explored go listen NEOW) #and i am also thinking about. drum roll please. you know whats coming. yes it could be nothing else #kitty horrorshows anatomy which is TO THIS DAY one of the best and most influential games upon me i have played #a game that pushes this concept to its core grotesque emotional fleshy pulp and runs with it #anatomy is a game that breeds in anxiety and discomfort and bleeds a sincere love in the horror it portrays #that love is something i yearn to see in horror media! it is also present in the hotel AHEM AHEM #but yes anatomy is an experience like no other that you really should experience for yourself #(glances down at my shirt) um. um ok so ill leave the board meeting now thank you for listening #dear god my pain medcin kicked in and i instantly became the worlds least normal man didnt i. WELL!!! thats all of youse problem now

[good-beans]

I know most of our focus goes (rightfully) to the trial songs, but I genuinely believe Baptism of Fire is equally a masterpiece of meaningful writing and intense vocal acting

Incoming tag rant because I need to yell about this, feel free to yell back

#milgram #fuuta kajiyama #like the other vds have good writing about the character and whatever social issue their crime focuses on #but this one is very pointedly about YOU #its about the audience. its about the milgram project. its about self reflection. its about self-appointed roles. its about you #even if you didnt vote t1 or anything the whole things is calling on you to reflect on your own judgements of others #how you treat people who come off rougher. how you treat people who have made a (bad but) common mistake. #do you also find entertainment in seeing people dragged down and suffering because it would 'serve them right?' #but es always remains in control of the situation. the drama doesnt end with 'and fuuta was right - you guys suck!' #its clarified that situations are different and have nuance. we are reminded to look at things with nuance. #then we are smoothly re-immersed in the story #and then!! the acting itself!!! #arthur lounsbery put his whole fussy into that performance (<- fuuta pussy) and i am in his debt every day for it #in both his vds hes just super expressive and fun to listen to #i dont understand japanese but he packs so much interesting intonation and emotion into every word -- im obsessed listening to him #he nails all the subtle emotions fuuta has: the pouts and outrage as well as underlying fear grief insecurity and immaturity #and then baptism of fire hes just... Wailing #like mahiru has her innocent and pathetic cries of pain in her sweet voice that works for her character but fuutas pain feels much more raw #the way hes practically sobbing at the end -- his voice cracking and screeching throughout -- the whimper of pain #its so unbearably intense!! it hurts!! and its supposed to!! but hes just so raw with it #and dont even get me started on his pained hysteric laughter omg.... #its just. a masterpiece. #i always appreciate the vds but i dont think ive enjoyed/relistened to one as much as this one #okay WAIT im back to add one more thing because im obsessed with ths idea of intentions #specifically in milgram i think the intention behind the murders are very important to consider #so i love love love the huge focus on 'i didnt expect/mean for this to happen' #plus as a general theme in fiction i think its sooo juicy when good intentions get fucked up #so i loved the repetition of that #fuuta is such a special case because he genuinely had no desire or expectation for his victim to die #(maybe kazui too? but he doesn't say so in his vd like fuuta does)

[kissmefriendly]

On a slightly more serious note, I just wanna post this before the final entry, not counting the epilogue. I’m so, so thankful for Dracula Daily. It’s been an absolute blast beginning to end, reading discourse, seeing the jokes and memes and all the art, reading theories and reactions. And getting to be apart of that! Reading this book again in this format was a hell of an experience but the fact that I didn’t do it alone, I don’t know. We’ve all gotten to experience this book in a new way in real time together. I love that. And I hope that it won’t be just a one-off event, either. And even if it is? But this? It’s been wonderful. So, thank you to everyone for collectively going nuts over a 130 year old novel. Thank you for posting and making those artworks and memes and analyses. Reminds you you’re human and not stuck and alone.

#sorry for being emotional lol #but seriously #I didn’t exactly make new friends or connections #I’m not exactly someone people like seeing post etc etc #but you know what? I got to be in the same room as a bunch of strangers while we all shared an experience #on a personal note #I looked forward to DD everyday because irl I’m pretty isolated #even online I’m isolated this is my 5th or 6th blog. and it was just nice to feel apart of a group #and yeah we still have the epilogue and all but tbh #idk I don’t want it to end #I don’t wanna go back to being alone #I loved talking about this book with y’all I loved seeing your art and theories #it was exciting! #I read this book when I was 8 and my mum had never read it and my brother was too young to #so reading has always been very lonely #but this? this was amazing #and I really don’t want that to end #it’s less about the book itself and more about the people I’ve read it with #which I guess is rather at the heart of the book #dracula daily #dracula #so long and goodnight #lol

[calamity-unlocked]

I'm feeling a lot of feelings for the Doodler right now.

Like, this incomprehensible being found itself unable to cope with the complexity and weight of human emotions, so it locked those feelings away for its own sake. But now those emotions are coming back all of a sudden - so far in a very violent, unkind way.

After years and years of the gentle numbness of chaos, to have fear and love returned to you without a moment's notice, at the suffering of others... call me normal oak the way i empathize, but it just seems like a lot.

#dndads #dndads spoilers #dungeons and daddies #like it put those feelings away bc it HATED itself #hated the pain it was inflicting and the rejection it could not handle #so it made itself numb #and then loneliness - FEAR - came back suddenly #through pain and death #and now it feels love again; but again because of betrayal and heartbreak #i don't know. it must just be so overwhelming #its got the emotional maturity of a teen! #how can it *handle* this?

[ladyluscinia]

BLACKHANDS GIRLIES WE ARE REALLY IN IT NOW!!!

(aka Lady's OFMD 2x01 - 2x03 BlackHands rambling)

Link to the general non-BlackHands thoughts.

Screaming. Whooping. Cheering. *Singsong voice* My fucked up pirate husbands had mutual love confessions while the main fucked up pirate husbands are "on a break" after admitting they made each other happy! AAAAHHHHHH!!! Can't murder-suicide the other half of yourself! I am winning!!!

ADJSKLDFSKJFKDL

Ok. Deep breaths. This will be rambling but coherently (<- lying)

---

Breakup Boat - Izzy's Version

Fuck, I said in my general thoughts post that the extremities of Edward's cruelty & Edward's suicidal pursuit were working well, and nowhere is that more noticeable than in what Edward and Izzy have going on.

So in the timeskip between S1 and S2 we find out Edward has been raiding ships at a breakneck pace, uncaringly trauma bonding his crew (R.I.P. Ivan), going hard on murder & booze & drugs, and tormenting Izzy to the point my guy is literally having a breakdown in front of the crew. He lost the 1st toe for threatening to resign and accidentally setting off a Stede-hurt timebomb, and Edward goes to take a 4th because Izzy doesn't convince his whole crew to happily dump their pay in the ocean. "Threaten me again" has become "Give me any excuse" it seems, and Izzy has been complying. 😬 Edward (casually): "Take your boot off." 😬 Earlier Edward offers him rhino horn, too, and Izzy just says "No, not right now" leading Edward to call him a "lightweight", so I'm thinking Edward hasn't had exclusive rights to substance abuse as a means of coping, either. (Note: the rhino horn itself does nothing, so the substance abuse is booze and any actual drugs he's gotten his hands on.)

Oh, and they didn't include the shot where Edward throws a knife at Izzy? Did it just get cut, or are we getting flashbacks with more conversation later?

Going to rewatch the end of 1x10, Izzy's "smile" at declaring Blackbeard was back lasts a fraction of a second and looks just like his "everything is totally fine I swear" grimace-smiles from the beginning of the episode, so I think it's pretty safe to say Izzy did not ask for this and hasn't thought everything was fine for a single second since.

The Breakup Boat atmosphere is definitely fucked.

Now, personally, I'm still of the opinion we're not supposed to read this as a version of a domestic abuse arc (even with the intervention talk). (EDIT: clarifying thoughts and phrasing.) Because they still inject too much of it with humor and I can't imagine Edward comfortably coming out the other side at a happy ending if we frame it that way. Like there's black comedy and then there's "Wait, we're really just laughing this off?" I think horrific domestic abuse of your ex-situationship in a romance counts as the latter. But I do think it's revealed to be functioning as something adjacent - namely Edward's depression and suicidal tendencies have massively spiked post-Stede and he's actively seeking to a) confirm his own belief that he's unlovable, and b) get killed so everything stops hurting.

And Izzy? Izzy loves him and wants him alive. Worst thing Edward could hear right now.

Like oh my GOD IZZY LOVES HIM. As soon as Izzy hits his breaking point and realizes the crew have his back, he's emboldened to go stand up for them and himself to Edward. (He has been defending them already - the pre-intervention conversation open with him quietly alluding that they need a break - but this is more.) He ignores the boot order, ignores the threat, and finally asks the damn question:

"Who am I to you?"

This is where my linear coherency falls apart btw 🥴

---

Who KNOWS You?

"We've worked together for years. You know me better than anyone has ever known me, and I daresay the same is true for me about you. I have... love for you, Edward."

Oh fuck backstory implications oh FUCK.

Ok, I've already seen the posts doubling down on Izzy realizing he doesn't know Edward at all and I'm drawing my line in the sand. That's bullshit. That line there? That's straight truth.

To quote my own posts:

People will act like you are making bold and unsubstantiated claims if you say Izzy likes Edward as a person not just as Blackbeard, but I find the notion that “Blackbeard” as a human guy you live down the hall from is somehow substantially different / distant enough from the real Edward 24/7 that only liking Blackbeard is plausible to be a very bold claim.

(That conclusion comes from this post, but Izzy knowing Edward vs Stede knowing Edward was also a major point in my original overarching Edward Meta from Season 1.)

Of course Izzy knows Edward. He knows his talents and his weaknesses. He knows the shifts in his mood, his favorite foods to find in a hold, what tasks he used to pass off as often as possible. He talks about work with him because they live on a ship. Their state of dysfunction when we meet them doesn't negate that knowing.

Knowing each other so well actually made their dysfunction worse. Let them escalate more than two people less intimate could have managed, while also exacerbating their misjudgements into ruinous disasters. Izzy didn't know - probably in part didn't want to know - Edward was falling hard for Stede so fast. Edward didn't know or want to know that Izzy was reaching a breaking point for their relationship.

But still, crucially, Izzy did know Edward well enough to clock that something was fundamentally wrong in 1x10, and he knows what's wrong now. He knows Edward is hurting him and hurting the crew because Edward himself is hurting, and the whole point of this "I'm worried about you" talk is to try and fix it.

Unfortunately, Izzy has Stede so unspoken at the front of his mind that he accidentally quotes the man, and that sets Edward off on his interrogation / further terrorizing the crew Izzy is trying to stand up for. Which is why Izzy finally makes his choice to stop talking around the issue...

"The atmosphere on this ship is fucked. Everyone knows why." -> "Your feelings for Stede fucking Bonnet."

...and then Edward shoots his leg out. Not even looking at him.

Jump ahead. Edward says to Frenchie, "The new First Mate always kills the old First Mate. It's always been like that." - Has it though? Because that has some wild implications for Izzy murdering someone to secure his spot in Edward's circle of trust (...hot). And some interesting gaps for Edward if he was ever a first mate under Hornigold or anyone else. Or is this just him fucking with Frenchie because he knows "Trust is king. And queen. Trust is everything" is bullshit? Go, repression boy, go. Who am I talking about? Both. Both is good.

And then of course we get:

"Did you think I wouldn't know the smell of my rotting former First Mate?"

Knows him by the smell of blood and infection. By the avoidant look in his crew's eye. By the fact he doesn't know Izzy is dead. Their relationship is rot and ruin by his own hand but he would NEVER assume Izzy's dead until he knows.

"He was your friend," Jim spits in Edward's face.

Edward wakes up Izzy and even delirious, literal seconds after realizing he's down a leg, Izzy knows what Edward wants the moment he flips the gun. And he wants nothing to do with it.

He knows he can't. Won't. No matter how much Edward openly wants him to pull the trigger. (Edward knows him well enough to doubt, too. It's real convenient that his final staging has Izzy looking at the back of his head. No chance of his face giving anything away.)

Izzy's absolutely brutal in his assessment, trying to give some hurt back, but he's not wrong:

"Ohhhh. Oh, are you scared, Eddie? Too scared to do it yourself, eh? Go on, clean up your own fucking mess. I'm not doing it, I've been doing it all my fucking life. Fuck off."

All his fucking life.

I have to wonder... is this a conversation they've had before? Echoes of one? Izzy has a tactic here - dismissal. Refuse to play along with Edward's melodrama. Treat "I dreamt that you killed me" as though he's throwing a snit like a toddler. "Good for you" could have sounded like a question egging him on, but it comes out flat. A sarcastic sneer. Edward has always thought he'd go out with more of a bang. Loves a good fuckery. In his Purgatory he desperately wants Hornigold to recognize how unique and over the top his mutiny was. Not like those ordinary mutinies. Even his imagined death is being pitched over the highest bluff tied to a rock???

Izzy knows Edward is serious or he wouldn't be so fraught and sobbing as he laughs, but his words don't treat him as serious. Maybe a bit of derision has been effective at ruining the fantasy before? Suicide of a great leader is just so banal, you know? Quit daydreaming and pull off an impossible fix.

(Maybe "Fuck off" normally doesn't end the conversation, but starts the real one?)

Also "Eddie". First off of Izzy's lips at his cruelest, then Hornigold's. We heard it in S1 right before Edward committed to becoming the Kraken. At the time I thought he was bristling at the disrespect - "Eddie" is not "just Edward" - but maybe Frenchie stepped on a bigger landmine than we thought. Edward is so particular about names, and Izzy knows all the rules best, doesn't he?

Either way... This time the conversation ends with Edward leaving. "Farewell, old chum," he says without turning around. And when he hears the gunshot, he's not surprised.

Edward knows Izzy, too. Knows that the farewell may count as "closure" but Izzy is only going to take the ending one way. Izzy lifting the gun to his temple was the inevitable result of leaving that room. It takes seconds. Edward is still rising out of the stairwell when it happens.

We can't talk about knowing without touching on Purgatory, where Edward goes to know himself.

Lots of interesting stuff about Edward modeling his toxic spiral off of Hornigold as the fucked up example from his past. Probably where he picked up a lot of his piracy philosophy too. But the really juicy bit related to Izzy is the spectre of Hornigold confronting him about killing his dad and Edward's instinctive:

"I've never told anyone about that."

Hornigold calls him out for telling Stede, but it seems pretty likely that Stede is the only one he's ever had the conversation with.

However.

I still think Izzy knows. Hornigold even tells us how:

"A grown man covered in tattoos? Eh? With daddy issues?"

Edward didn't tell Izzy, and Izzy didn't ask for confirmation. But Edward will tell a whole crew of strangers about "the Kraken" killing his dad to win best ghost story. And that his dad was a dick. Izzy, who Edward loves and trusts and "outsources the big job" to, would not have much trouble connecting the dots between any version of that story / troubled childhood anecdotes / Edward's issues with killing / Edward's daddy issues.

I sincerely doubt "killed your abusive old man" is even an uncommon pirate backstory.

Izzy does know Edward - at his best and worst and everything in between. Knows him better than anyone. Suspects with certainty his darkest secret.

Izzy knows Edward, and Edward knows Izzy, and that's why everything fundamentally quakes for Edward in this self-destructive rampage when Izzy breaks their unspoken rule and tells him that he loves him.

---

Who LOVES You?

Jumping back to the (first!) literal, actual love confession we got, let's talk phrasing. Because yeah there's love there, but at the moment there's also a lot of other stuff.

"I have... love for you, Edward."

This is such a passive way of confessing, and there's the long pause as Izzy forces it out. People have attributed it to repression, or feeling ashamed of his love for Edward, or just not wanting to push it on him. I think "love" isn't a word they use out loud, so saying it is hard, but I also think Izzy's being passive because at the moment it does just feel like he "has" love. He doesn't want to actively feel it or offer it up right now, not with the complicated knot of anger and hurt and, tbh, probably some of his own depression. He "has" love because, despite everything, he still loves Edward.

And he does, is the thing! The whole goddamn reason Izzy is here, still trying to be a support for Edward is because he loves him. Literally anybody else would have left by now, or killed Edward, considering he's actively trying to push Izzy to the breaking point. And even at said point, when Izzy's finally standing up for himself, he offers Edward another chance to realize he's loved.

Edward starts dismissing him the moment he says the l-word, but Izzy continues:

"I'm worried about you - we all are. The atmosphere on this ship is completely poisoned. But if we could all just, maybe... talk it through?"

Izzy knows what's wrong and while he didn't originally think Stede was that important to Edward, he's put it together by now. And he's a huge fan of trying to talk through their problems, tries it multiple times even in the peak communication failure / stress powderkeg of S1, so of course he tries one last time to get Edward to accept he's not alone.

Instead, he accidentally invokes the ghost of Stede Bonnet and reminds Edward why he's doing all of this in the first place. Reminds him that he is unlovable while having the audacity to confess to loving him.

So Edward makes a big show of going out on deck, shoots Izzy in the leg, and tells Frenchie to get rid of him.

Frenchie doesn't, naturally.

And when Edward finds the crew saving the man who he just shot for daring to love him - because of course they are, he's their dick now - well... "He was your friend," Jim spits in his face, having just been thinking about their best friend (who they are more than a little bit in love with 👀).

How long do we think Edward stands there, looking at what he's wrought? How long does he sit at Izzy's bedside, looking at him "rather still" while he weighs if the missing leg proves his point where the toes didn't?

And you know Izzy's love is so bone deep and rooted in that it's unconditional by this point, because Edward did NOT prove his fucking point. Nothing he's done so far is enough to get the man who loves him to pull the fucking trigger. Down 3 toes and then a leg, asking first thing whether Edward was there for the other one, and STILL. STILL IZZY IS HEARTBROKEN AT THE REALIZATION THAT EDWARD IS READY TO END IT FOR REAL.

Still he won't pull the trigger himself. Not on Edward, at least.

And only after Izzy is gone can Edward return the words.

"I loved you. Best I could."

*screaming crying tearing at the walls*

He loved him.

HE LOVED HIM.

Edward's perspective of his relationships is fundamentally warped. Alongside his self-image. Probably has been for most of his life, going back to the self-hatred he ties to killing his dad. Stede leaving hurt him immensely (and predictably, Stede) in ways Stede will have to own up to, but it was Edward's own unaddressed issues - independent of Stede AND Izzy - that determined the appropriate response to that hurt was "realize that vulnerability and hope are lies and every dark voice in the back of your mind ever was telling the truth, actually."

Edward's conviction that nobody loves him and that he's not capable of successfully loving someone back is literally his depression talking. It is not rationally based in the reality of his life or relationships, Stede or otherwise. He may even have successfully beat back the sentiment for most of his life, with that getting harder and harder as time went on.

(He's expressed this kind of depressive-episode-driven warped view before, btw, and they explicitly parallel it in Purgatory just for me! The flashbacks of the bathtub scene while he attacks the spectre of Hornigold are my huge W in that episode. "It all boils down to this - you're afraid you're unlovable", said by the actual manifestation of Edward's suicidal self-hatred in Purgatory, is the new "That's why I don't have any friends." I think it's fair to question if he was a reliable narrator of his experiences back then, too. Jim and the crew certainly think he had at least one friend.)

Basically, "Best I could" now can mean a lot of things before. Young Izzy and Edward could have been much healthier than they are at present. Probably were, to be honest. It wasn't enough to save them from going sour, but it could explain why they've stuck together so long even as it has.

Izzy loves Edward. Edward loves Izzy.

LOVE LOSES. BUT LOVE WINS 😭😭😭

---

Kraken Era = Murder-Suicide, but Edward Wants to be the Murdered One

So, uh... *scrambling for notes* Where am I going with this? Fuck, I'm not even writing it linearly... OK!

Izzy KNOWS Edward - knows him going back ages, has seen his darkest and weakest moments - and even after 3 toes and a stress breakdown he still LOVES him enough to say it out loud (which I doubt these guys do, uh, ever). Which really throws a wrench in Edward's "Stede realized I'm inherently toxic and unlovable" theory, and prompts him to redouble his "prove to Izzy he doesn't love me" efforts by casually shooting him.

Afterward, he finally makes his passive suicidal intents explicit when talking (practically sobbing, in truth) to Frenchie:

"Never going back to land. We're gonna sail, rob, raise hell forever and ever, without end."

He's set on it, now. Izzy's potential last act was to finally rip down the illusion, give name to the hurt Edward had been running from since he first put on his Kraken makeup. So he pushes his little wedding toppers out the window, cleans himself up, and goes out to wave every single red flag imaginable for poor Frenchie's locked box.

Except it wasn't Izzy's last act, now was it?

But that's fine for Edward. That actually works better. He wants the hopeless situation to end, but he doesn't want to pull the trigger himself or he would have done it by now. After everything, surely Izzy should be ready to murder-suicide him??? He can't still love him, not after Edward so effectively proved he's exactly as toxic as his self-loathing depressive episodes say he is. It's poetic.

Edward underestimates Izzy. Knows him with his head, but the depression makes him underestimate his heart.

Edward doesn't get a bullet through the head, be hears the gun go off and - well - that's one way to spin "not even Izzy loves me any more" into a true statement.

Edward wants to live slightly more than he wants everything to end. It's the only reason he's alive. Before Izzy said Stede's name he was floating high on denial like that bird who never lands, keeping his depression and his destruction as a blast radius more than a dagger. He was lurching in the direction of dying by combat or by crew mutiny or by simple self-destructive behaviors, but he avoided thinking about anything long enough to have intent.

After Izzy's desperate attempt to intervene, Edward can't hide from his own reasoning anymore. Or his hurt. Or his self-enforced hopelessness. And with that comes aims. He has his rough night and then starts the massive red flag upswing. Cleans up. Gets ready for the big finale. He pushes Izzy with the "closure" conversation, trying to find a pressure point that will get him killed to close off the narrative with a artful bow.

Murder-suicide sounds like a fix to his problems, but he still wants to live slightly more. He still can't turn the gun on himself. He aims to be the murdered one.

After Izzy is gone, though, by Edward's own actions? That's the last straw he needs to commit in full. Thanking Frenchie? Just another final goodbye to get his affairs in order. "Take the day off, brother. Go live." The moment Izzy dies they all become dead men walking.

Thank FUCK that Edward a) still would prefer it if they snapped and murdered him / something out of his control killed him (he still wants to live), and b) still wants to die dramatically. A different man would have walked right back to his cabin and not missed.

Sidebar to appreciate the breakup boat crew some more because I love them:

Fang: "So... do we think he's better?" Jim: "Fuck no!"

Edward is ready to be the murderer with his cannon pointed at the mast, but he stalls on damning the whole crew to a watery grave (r.i.p. half of them), gives Izzy time to wake up and drag himself out to protect said crew, and then finally gets what he's been after.

Edward's motivations are already perfectly clear, but just to really hammer it in - he thinks he just drove a man he loved to suicide, and then he demands the couple he found kissing fight to the death with the reasoning:

"All love dies, I'm just hastening the process."

Jim literally just learned last season that was bullshit, my guy. It makes sense they are the one who finally puts a stop to him.

(Except the cannonball doesn't hit. There's no head wound. And Edward is alive when they take him back to the secret room, laying him out respectfully instead of letting the waves take him too. They don't even know if they'll survive. They certainly don't have anywhere to take the body, or a working ship to get there. Maybe they didn't notice because they didn't want to notice.)

(AND EDWARD STILL WANTS TO LIVE)

Both Izzy and Edward try to die. Both of them do - maybe, in the bottom of their hearts - want to live just a tiny bit more. They shoot each other. They say OUT LOUD they love each other (though Edward I swear to fuck you better say that to Izzy's face ohmygod). They are on this journey together.

BOTH OF THEM LIVE. AND NOW THEY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.

(I feel like I wanted to add stuff about Stede & Izzy meeting again but like. I don't even know. Izzy doesn't even know. Is he protecting the crew? Deflecting? Edward's dignity (-ish)? Stede's good opinion of Edward? Dealing with his own massively fucked headspace? Ask me again on Friday. Fuck.)

My fucked up guys are in toxic fucked up LOVE!!!

#this is a monster and i can't trim or streamline it because i have TOO MANY FEELS and they are going to give me MORE #so if you find anything that jumps off topic or repeats itself or trips over itself that's part of the emotional throughline ok #tbh this is just my mass braindump to preserve the in the moment feelings and ideas #so i can string them together with whole season context later #also just an absolute MESS of links #our flag means death #blackhands #edizzy #blackbeard ofmd #izzy hands ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd meta #parallels #edward teach #izzy hands #WE WON! LOVE LOSES! LOVE WINS! #ladyluscinia #breakup boat #tw suicide