#have loved him for like 6 months. unfortunately i am a senior in college and i cant draw.

[octopodian]

overtaken with "anji mito but with a back tattoo" fever

#pics #anji mito #guilty gear #guilty gear strive #gg fanart #hey guys turns out if you go really crazy on painting shit with heavy shadows and exaggerated colors #then drawing tattoos on that and having them be readable is very difficult #anji tag #have loved him for like 6 months. unfortunately i am a senior in college and i cant draw.

[strwberrytae]

So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”     - Lang Leav

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Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic. 

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man.  Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

#me #personal #goodbye for now #no longer writing #bts writer

[aprils-arcadia]

Denial

Members: Kihyun, Changkyun, Wonho Genre: Fluff with a good deal of angst Word Count: 4,9k Summary: After your last relationship with Changkyun ended badly you are reluctant to give in to your feelings for your fellow freshman  at college Kihyun. 

“You know denial isn't going to help you.” Hoseok said, stuffing a handful of fries into his mouth. Like every Thursday before you found yourself at the usual cafeteria table with Hoseok.

“But denial and ignorance have been working so well.” You sighed, mindlessly poking your food with a fork. 

Hoseok scoffed. “Ah, is that so?” He pointed at the fries in the middle of the round, run-down table. “That’s why you've been just staring at your food for the last ten minutes. You haven’t even noticed that I've been constantly stealing your fries.” He shook his head in disapproval. “Huh. Seems to work wonders.”

“Don't you sass me now. You know what’s awaiting me once I eat and get up from here.” You slumped back into your chair letting the fork clink against the plastic cafeteria tray. The food wasn't that bad. That much was clear by Hoseok wolfing it down without hesitation but right now you didn't feel like eating.

“Of course I do. That’s why I am trying my best to relentlessly bring up the topic so that you can finally suck it up and stop moping around.” 

“But I don't know how. It's not as easy a decision to make. This isn't pizza vs. burger or gym vs. jogging.” You lifted your hands unethusicastically gesturing to your left and to your right, your eyes still transfixed on a rather nasty greyish spot on the ceiling. “It's… it's so much more difficult.” 

“You'll have to face this sooner or later and by now you should know that sooner is the right way to go. You can't just hide out like this forever. And you can't try to deny that this is eating away at you, just like I am currently eating away all your fries, which for the record you still haven't stopped me from doing. If you aren't even possessive of your food anymore, who are you even?”

“Haha. Very funny." You leaned forward again, picking up a solitary fry that Hoseok had dropped onto the tray. "But seriously what should I do? Do you have any ideas?” 

“Do you really want my advice? Like straight up blunt me telling you what I'm thinking?” 

“Yeah, sure. Always.”

“You’ve told me quite a lot about that Changkyun guy by now and I can’t say I like him.” Hoseok’s tone of voice had turned serious and you could see that the casual mischievous air around him had vanished. “But apart from all that, if you would really still love him I don’t think you would have fallen for Kihyun.” 

Silence.

He might be right. But on the other hand it's not like you could erase all the history you had with Changkyun either. 

He had been your first real relationship, your first love. You had been so convinced that you two would live the happily-ever-after, the cliche “they meet in school and look at them still going strong”-movie stereotype, overcoming hardships together only to grow stronger as a couple. 

But reality wasn't like this. Instead your Romeo and Juliet story turned into the annoying “on/off”, “are they/aren't they” cliche. You hadn’t heard from him or seen him and after the last fight you had, it's not like you could blame him but all that logic and rationality didn’t stop you from still loving that asshole no matter how many times your heart had been broken courtesy of him. And you still couldn't fight the feeling that even remotely thinking about Kihyun was cheating. That you were betraying the trust and the man you loved. 

“When was the last time you spoke to that guy anyway?”

“6 months ago,” you admitted under your breath.

“6 months ago? I mean come on. You need to move on from this. That's just not healthy.” 

You knew that Hoseok was right. It wasn't like you expected that Changkyun would come back to you, to show up at your dorm and begged you to take him back. That wasn't his style. Him calling you up at night and you hopelessly agreeing to meet with him was a thousand times more likely. Pathetic, you knew. But still. 

"So why not see how things could go with Kihyun? He seems like a nice guy even though he might be a bit of a smartass at least from what I can tell.” Hoseok shrugged his shoulders. 

"Oh I don't know it's not like I haven't thought about trying my luck with him and seeing where things would go. But I'm just feeling so guilty,” you said, reluctantly dipping your fry into the nearly empty ketchup.

“Yeah otherwise we wouldn't have to have this conversation almost every two days right before your two most beloved courses.” 

This was both unbelievably true and painfully sarcastic. The two intro classes Hoseok talked about were indeed your favorite classes and finally gave you the feeling of having made the right choice in coming here. On the other hand they were also the ones where a certain someone was sitting next to you since the first week.

*

You had met Kihyun right after college started. You had just moved here a few days ago and the break up with Changkyun was still fresh, having happened only two weeks ago. But once you entered the college grounds you swore to leave that behind you. To leave it in the past and in the city you had left to come here. Which right at this moment did not seem to work out so well, you had to admit.

You were convinced, even if it was a bit naive, that this whole experience would change your life and that this is the perfect new start to get away from it all. Unfortunately this included your meticulous sleep schedule. Ever since the fallout with Changkyun you weren't able to really sleep. You spend the night scrolling through social media or God forbid your phone's gallery. 

This wasn't helpful and you knew it. 

The night before your first college day you had felt so utterly lonely that you couldn't help yourself. You deeply regretted having left and how things turned out with Changkyun. This wasn't how you wanted it to go but you also didn't know what would have been your ideal outcome. It was obvious that you and Changkyun had an expiration date. Hell, you have had so many of them in the past it was a wonder that you even made it this far. But somehow you always ended up with each other.

The topic of college had been looming over the two of you ever since your senior year of high school. He didn’t like the idea of you going to a different city and the thought of staying in the town you grew up in nauseated you. Your local community college had nothing to offer with all possible studies boring the hell out of you. You wanted change and a challenge and something that interested you. Changkyun never seemed to understand that. For him, you applying for other colleges felt like betrayal, that you were planning on leaving him, going somewhere where he didn’t know what you were up to, where he couldn't control who you hung out with. 

So once the acceptance letters started to roll in the two of you fought on an almost daily basis. Somehow you had found the courage to tell him that you wanted to go to your current college and that you applied for a dorm room. He had just scoffed at that and told you that you wouldn't have the balls to leave anyway. That your little pampered, desperate self would not turn on him and leave. Two weeks ago you had finally gotten the approval for the dorm room. When you talked to Changkyun about trying to make this work long distance he completely flipped. You’ve had fights in the past, countless ones and he had broken up with you multiple times as well, but this was different. 

This time it felt final. Irreversible.

He had left you a sobbing mess on the steps of your home, driving away way too fast in his car and skidding around the corner. You knew that he wouldn't come back. You knew that you wouldn't get the call. The call that he was sorry, the call that would make everything right again. You knew this wasn’t coming. But still you couldn’t comprehend that this was supposed to be the end. The real end.

You had sat on those steps for hours until your mother had finally come home and tried her best to get you inside. The rest of the day you spend asleep. Completely weak and dehydrated you fell into an uncomfortable sleep, only to wake up with tears still streaming down your face. You spend the week before leaving for college in a haze. 

This wasn’t your usual coping mechanism.

You had stopped listening to music. This time around you didn’t drown your tears in Death Cab songs and ice cream wanting to be comforted by your friend and family. Instead you completely isolated yourself. You only ate when you were forced to and sleep didn’t come easy. Most nights you’d stared up at your bedroom’s ceiling, your mind completely empty but your body not letting you rest. It had felt like a part of you was missing that he literally had ripped out your beating heart where he stood. After a week you were only a shadow of yourself. You had packed for college with the help of your friend and moved into your dorm room. Sleep was still a rare commodity but you tried your best to start being hopeful about the future. You couldn't mope around forever and you shouldn’t let him ruin your first week of college. 

But here you laid, not being able to sleep. The dorm room was dark and empty, the shadows from the trees outside dancing on the walls. Instead of trying to close your eyes you had grabbed your phone, the bright light of the screen hurting your eyes in the beginning. Looking at the pictures on your phone didn't make your feeling of crushing loneliness any better. On the contrary. It hurt. It hurt like hell. Knowing that the man you loved so much was done with you. Over you. Living life without you, like you never happend. 

Luckily your roommate hadn’t moved in yet so no one was able to hear you sniffle and ultimately cry yourself to sleep at 4 a.m. 

The next day you woke up to the loud noise from the hallway having ignored your alarm clock twice. Now you only had 15 minutes left to get dressed and rush to the lecture hall. One quick look in the mirror confirmed what you had dreaded all along. You looked like sh*t. You had wanted to start college bright-eyed and optimistic but those were not the kind of bright eyes you were looking for. You had no chance of wearing your contacts like this. Awesome. The cute first day of college outfit you had laid out the night before stared at you almost in disappointment and you grumpily grabbed your black-rimmed glasses out of the drawer and quickly put your hair up in a messy bun, brushing this bird’s nest of hair would have been a waste of time. 

You rushed out of your dorm and onto the quad. Fortunately you already checked the way yesterday so instead of being completely lost you were able to just sprint across campus at full speed. Even though you earned a few “heys” and even one “Run, Forrest, run” you were able to make it in time. You hurried inside and tried to catch your breath as good as possible. Most of the seats were taken, everyone shows up for the first one, you thought.

You had found an empty seat in the back of the lecture hall and sat down as unnoticeable as you could. The young man next to you gave you a quick smile and a nod and then focussed back onto his notebook again. You pulled out your own notebook and the lecture began with your professor introducing himself and outlining the following semester before diving straight into the basic concepts that will be needed for the rest of the course.

You tried your hardest to focus but your mind tended to wander back to what you gave up to be here, if giving up was even the right word, and how your finger had hovered over Changkyun’s number time and time again the night before. You choked back the uncomfortable feeling that was forming in the back of your throat. You needed to concentrate. You brushed your thoughts aside as best as you could and focused on the blackboard. 

Nothing. You couldn't make out a single word. Great. If you couldn’t even copy the blackboard you may as well just leave. You squinted at the blackboard in an attempt to decipher the words as your professor was writing them. What he's talking about should give you some clues but still the smudges remained. If you could have just worn your contacts then this wouldn't have happened but no, you petty excuse for a human being had to cry yourself to sleep and were now forced to run around like a mole with those humongous glasses of yours that let's be fair here, didn't do sh*t. 

You sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of your nose. All the squinting has achieved was give you a mild headache and your notepad was still as blank as it could be apart from you writing the course name at the top. Just as you were starting to lean back in your chair and resigned to just listening, an unfamiliar notebook appeared at your side, nudging your arm. 

"You can copy mine, if you'd like. That prof’s handwriting is like trying to read hieroglyphs."

You looked to your left and saw the guy next to you slide his notebook across.

"Oh and I took the liberty of correcting all his typos. You can be lucky that you don't have to deal with those cringe-worthy mistakes." 

You chuckled slightly. It’s been days since you even smiled about anything, having forced all of them since the break-up. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.” 

"No worries," the young man whispered. “I’m Kihyun by the way”

“Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you Y/N,” he said and smiled brightly. 

His profile and jawline were sharp and he dressed unbelievably well. The sleeves of his button-down were rolled up to his elbows and his dark brown hair had a slight undercut. He was attractive to say the least. How could you not have noticed this when you first sat down. Ah yeah, you probably were feeling way too sorry for yourself at that time. 

You quickly copied the notes and gave it back to him. 

“Thanks again, I owe you one.”

"Nah. You're very welcome. But if you insist a coffee would be more than sufficient." 

The next week you had finally been able to wear your contacts again. Thursday evening you had met the lovable idiot that was Hoseok. He’d spend the majority of the weekend listening to you cry your eyes out in the dorm common room. It was so easy to open up to him and maybe just maybe this was exactly what you needed. Someone who didn’t know the whole story who was completely impartial to hear your side of things. Talking to him made your shoulders a little lighter and he had made it his mission to make you feel better, to make you feel welcome and comfortable. He tried his best to get some nutritious food in you and forced you to join his Sunday morning jog. 

The next day with your legs almost numb and a chipper, way too awake Hoseok by your side you arrived at the nearby coffee shop. It was a tiny cafe that was frequented mostly by the students and therefore it was usually packed at this time of day. Hoseok looked around the shop anxiously until his eyes met the ones of the guy sitting at the corner table. 

“I gotta go. I don’t wanna keep Hyungwon waiting.” 

“Hot date?” you said, eyeing the tall young man that was smiling sleepily at Hoseok and waved.  

“Hell yes,” he replied and hurried off towards the other corner of the cafe. You took your two coffees from the counter and headed towards the lecture hall. Once you arrived you let your gaze wander through the rows until you spotted the only familiar face in the room. 

“Good morning,” you said as you sat down and placed the cup of iced americano in front of Kihyun. “As promised.” 

“Oh hey, thank you. I was wondering if you might have forgotten about me since you ignored me on Thursday.”

“Thursday? Where?” You fidgeted in your brain to try and remember where you could have seen him, but last week you were running on autopilot most of the time, without ever really registering your surroundings. 

“Oh so you really didn’t even notice me. I was sitting like three people over in intro to media theory.”

“Oh no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I was spacing out a lot last week. I’m really sorry.” 

“Well at least I know you didn’t forget me,” he said, taking the cup and nudged it against your own. ”Thanks again. That should help us not fall asleep.” 

“I do hope so,” you said smiling as you started to sip your coffee. 

“It doesn’t seem like you’ll need my perfectly-taken notes this time around,” Kihyun added, gesturing towards your non-existent glasses. “I gotta admit though I kinda miss the glasses.” You laughed shyly. “They looked cute on you.” Kihyun turned towards the blackboard as your professor started to speak up. “But I’m glad you look a little healthier this week,” he said mostly to himself but you were just able to catch it. 

*

After unenthusiastically eating the remaining fries on your plate you got up, to make your way to your next course. 

“So have you made up your mind?” Hoseok said leaning against a nearby wall, waiting for you.

“Of course I haven’t,” you said as you let the wrappers slide off your tray and into the trash can. “And he probably isn’t that interested in me anyway.”

“Excuse me? Do you remember that one time he asked you out and you straight up invited me along?” Hoseok rolled his eyes at you. “Yeah sure, he isn’t interested in you. And also to get back to our earlier discussion if that wasn't denial I don't know what was.”

“That wasn't denial. I literally didn't get it." You tried to look and sound as convincing as you could but Hoseok probably already saw through that. "And seriously ‘hang out’ is just not the language I associate with asking out," you added defensively.

“Oh come on. You were just scared out of your wits and panicked. Don't you try and wiggle your way out of this now,” he said, putting a hand on your shoulder guiding your way out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. 

“Not fair and do you have any idea how long ago I went on a date last. Like a real asking out, whole shabang, first date?” You brushed off his hand from your shoulder and looked at him in all seriousness. 

"No idea, but I’m gonna presume it was AGES ago" Hoseok answered dramatically.

"Correct. I had like one first date in my life and that was Changkyun." You didn't like to admit this but it was the truth. He was your first, your first for basically everything.

“Are you sure you just didn't realize the other ones were dates"

“Stop it for God's sake. Shouldn't I know that?”

“Not if you were as dense then as you are now.” Hoseok winked at you and slid into the classroom to your right. “See you later.”

“Smartass,” you added quickly and stuck out your tongue. Unfazed by your childish action Hoseok blew you a kiss through the closing door. 

“He’s such an idiot.” He was a pain in the ass but you were thankful for Hoseok. He always found a way to cheer you up but was also by your side with advice and an open ear, everytime you needed him. You walked to your own lecture hall with timid steps, lost in thought. 

It’s been six months since you’ve last heard from Changkyun. 

No texts, no calls, no updates on social media. 

In fact you couldn’t even see his posts anymore, maybe he straight up blocked you. He probably was happy without you and better off. And you really had to face the fact that you yourself were happy here as well. That your life might not have turned out the picture perfect way you wanted it to be but you had found friends that supported and loved you and you were enjoying your studies tremendously. The only thing that was in the way was that damned guilty consciousness of yours and the nostalgia of a past albeit failed relationship.

 Changkyun wasn’t coming back and even if he was you shouldn’t fall for it because time and time again you should have been taught that this relationship was going nowhere. You were like oil and water, you could force them to be together for a while but slowly they would drift apart again. You guys weren’t made for each other and every other fight had proven that. He was overly jealous and you were too timid to really speak your mind. He was your first relationship, the one you wanted to treasure for the rest of your life but as Hoseok said it just wasn’t healthy. Not in the slightest. 

Going to college might have been the fallout you two needed to start living a life not dependent on each other, to be able to move on and to find your own happiness and a relationship where you were an equal and where you wouldn’t have to fear for your relationship every time you went out with friends. Changkyun was probably over you already anyway, it never took him long to prove to you that he didn't need you. 

So why, why on earth were you still limiting yourself. 

Why were you still in any way being considerate to this ass. The ass that made out with your friend in front of you just to prove a point. The ass that left you standing in the rain after a fight having to walk home for an hour. The ass that never treated you right. You lifted your head and straightened your back. He wasn’t worth it and more importantly you were worth so much more.  

Once you stepped out onto the quad and towards the lecture hall you felt a gentle touch on your back. 

“Hey, Y/N.” The soft voice unmistakably belonged to Kihyun. “Glad I caught up with you before the lecture began.” 

He couldn't have picked a better time. Right when all your thoughts were jumbled and you were trying to untie it even slightly, he shows up. Right on time to throw all your progress overboard. Right on time to make you question everything you thought you had figured out. 

“Hey Kihyun, ready for the lecture?” you replied as unfazed as you could muster.

“Please, when am I not.” 

You laughed. Hoseok was right, he could be quite the smartass. 

“But that’s not why I tried to catch up with you.” 

“Okay…” 

“Can we talk for a second?” He stopped walking and now stood before you. 

“Yeah sure, what’s up?” Now you were straight up scared. ‘Can we talk’ never was a good thing. Your stomach twisted and you felt the nervousness slowly rise inside of you.  

“I talked to Hoseok the other day and I think this might be the best idea.” So many questions rushed through your head. Kihyun talked to Hoseok? They were close? You had only seen them together like once apart from the times you forced those two together. Hoseok couldn’t have possibly snitched on you, right?  

“I just thought that he might help me out or give me some advice since you two seemed to be very close.”

“Okay…” This could only go wrong. Definitely only go wrong. “What did he tell you?” 

“To be honest he just told me to man up and suck it up.” Kihyun laughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. His light brown hair refracted the light and some strands glowed golden in the early spring sun. 

“That does sound like him.” You smiled and noticed that Kihyun had started to avoid eye contact which was something he never seemed to have a problem with. Instead his eyes were all over the place, continuously wandering from your eyes downwards to then dart into a completely different direction. 

You had probably never seen him so flustered and it made you uneasy. Over time you had gotten so used to Kihyun’s normal overconfidence but now he seemed self-conscious and even a bit vulnerable.  

“It seems like nothing has really worked so far. So I feel like if I’m not gonna make it very simple you would brush over it again and just bring me coffee to class instead of going with me to the cafe I had in mind. Or bring Hoseok along with you to the mall.” He chuckled a bit and you were terrified of what he would say next. 

He took a deep breath. 

“I like you Y/N.”

There it was. Out in the open. Something you had tried to deny for longer than you should be comfortable with. There you had your answer. And now there was no way you could ignore it. He was able to muster the courage to tell you and you were always trying your best not wanting to face this possibility. 

Kihyun finally found your eyes again and you tried your best to not have your face be an open book, telling him every little detail that was going through your mind. The war inside your head, the shouting, the panic and the overall chaos of you trying to decide what to do. 

Again he averted his look but this time you finally realized where his eyes were trailing off to as yours started to do the same. His lips were parted slightly and ever so slowly you felt the distance between the two of you closing, right now you weren’t in control anymore as your body felt to be moving on it’s own until his face was only inches away from your own. 

Right before you closed yours you took one look into his stunning dark brown eyes, and the different shades of brown that were mixed in there, invisible unless you stared directly into them. 

He kissed you softly and finally, finally in forever your mind was quiet. 

No guilt, no anxiety, just the warm feeling of joy spreading through your body. 

He placed his hand tentatively on your cheek and your heart skipped more than just one beat. The soft touch of his lips and the warmth of his hand left you completely helpless. You wanted this moment to last forever, to not let go, but instead Kihyun pulled away from you. His face was slightly blushed and you could still feel his lips faintly on yours. His hand lingered on your cheek and his thumb continued to caress your cheek bone gently. He looked at you for a while, taking in what had just happened, before he spoke up again.

“Would you like to go on a date with me?”

“I think you already have your answer,” you said and grabbed his collar drawing him in into another kiss, this time less timid than the one before. 

Who you loved, you weren’t sure. But you didn’t have to be. Whatever part of your brain told you that you would have to decide right then and there if you loved Kihyun and if you really didn’t have any feelings left for Changkyun could just shut the hell up. You were so focussed on this question that you completely forgot how life really works. He didn’t say “I love you” simply because he couldn’t even know that yet. So why did you expect from yourself to be able to answer it already. Yes, part of you still loved Changkyun and would probably do so till the day that you die but that couldn’t stop you from liking Kihyun, from wanting to know more about him, from waiting to spend more time with him, from wanting to find out where this could lead you. 

So no, you didn’t know who you loved but you’d find out, in your own time, at your own pace.

#mx #mostax #fanfiction #monstax fanfiction #changkyun #im #Kihyun #Wonho #changkyun angst #fkihyun fluff #changkyun x reader #kihyun x reader #aprils fanfiction #aprils arcadia

[friendofhayley]

It’s that time again! Thank you to all the fandom content creators for your art. Here are the best fics I read this month, and they’re all masterpieces. This rec includes 12 fics from the Teen Wolf and One Direction fandoms. The starred ones have made me forget my worries for a moment.

Sterek (Teen Wolf)

1. He’s…something by @acountrygirlsfun | shapeshifter Stiles - miscommunication - Derek doesn’t know how to show emotions - secret relationship - 22k

Stiles has to admit, keeping his secret under wraps is easier than he expected around his new-found werewolf friends.

Except for the Alpha that is never where he should be.

2. I Wanna Let Go And Know That I’ll Be Alright [orphaned] | bad Scott - healing - pre-Sterek - post-S5A - 21k

When Scott tells Stiles to ‘take a step back’ from pack life, Stiles takes it as an invitation to get his life back on track - sans the supernatural.

3. When the Universe Comes Knocking (It’s Polite to Open the Door) by @isthatbloodonhisshirt | high school crushes meet again! - oblivious boys - just KISS - secretary Stiles - 135k

It was like a door he’d nailed shut in his brain suddenly exploded open, all of his past confusion and anger and hurt and adoration flooding out at once. Stiles? Was it actually Stiles?!

Stiles, the guy he’d had a crush on for fucking years growing up. The guy who’d been an absolute dick to him their whole last year of high school.

The guy who’d told him he loved him in a dirty men’s bathroom on prom night while drunk and upset because he thought Kira was Derek’s girlfriend.

4. Your Love is Like an Ax to the Face (or, Plundering Hearts: Viking Edition) by @ghost-of-erica-reyes | college au - as slow burn as a 16k fic can be - enemies to friends to lovers - oblivious boys - 16k

In which Lydia is a ruthless walking fortune cookie, Scott is exposed to the relationship-curing potential of ménages-à-trois, and more importantly, Stiles is convinced he’s pissed off the wrong deity in Valhalla because the closest thing he gets to action is the weekly — and deadly — debates he has with his grumpy TA from History 201: Introduction to Vikings. All of this to Erica’s enjoyment.

Urgh, college.

5. I don’t need any help to be breakable (believe me) by @myhyperheart-alone | amnesia - so much fucking angst with a happy ending -  mutual pining - therapy - 35k

“He tried to kiss me.” “We know”, Scott says, placatingly, and Stiles rounds on him, fists clenched and eyes blazing. “No. No, you don’t”, he spits, “You have no idea.”

In which Derek has an accident and doesn’t remember anyone except Stiles.

6. *Ardently* by redpenny | regent au - chubby Stiles - disabled Derek - this is SO cute!!! - 13k

Mr Stilinski contends with the loss of his family’s funds, an unfortunate predilection for pastries, and an inconvenient attraction to this Season’s most eligible bachelor.

Lord Hale contends with a reluctant return to Society, hiding a war injury from meddling sisters, and the trials of courting a thoroughly oblivious young man.

7. *Puzzle Pieces* by @isthatbloodonhisshirt | can y’all believe the same author got 2 fics on here? I’m sorry for the notifications - and they were mates omg they were mates - ski resort - the boys are bad at communicating #surprise! - 89k

“Okay.” Stiles glanced at his phone, wincing at the battery being close to ten percent. It was probably time to call Scott. Turning off the flashlight, mostly to save battery and kind of freaking out over how dark it was—though the half-moon reflecting off the snow helped a bit—he opened his contacts with shaking hands and scrolled through to Scott’s name. Once he hit it, he put the phone to his ear, looking around, and froze.

The phone rang in his ear, but his eyes were locked on something big and moving through the trees.

Oh no. Oh no, no, no.

Larry (One Direction)

8. oh we’re in love aren’t we by @eeveelou | Harry is a trans man - college au - Harry is quirky and Louis loves it - so much fluff - 20k

Louis is trying to get through his second year of university while dealing with his three stupidly loud and stupidly in love roommates, a series of boring classes, and his job working the graveyard shift at his campus’s favorite drunk food shop. Harry is new to town and looking for somewhere to live when he finds a long-abandoned apartment that brings him right to Louis’s doorstep.

9. *a bright future behind you* by @socomicallygay | Orange is the New Black au - girl direction - there is a zourry threesome moment - this fic is hot hot hot and sweet sweet sweet - 12k

Orange is the New Black AU. Louis fucks a lot of people, Harry eats a lot of ass, Niall will smuggle a dildo to whomever gets more play, and Zayn thinks Harry and Louis should just make out already.

10. Say It First by rearviewdreamer | this so fucky angsty with a happy ending it had me yelling at Harry - groundhog day time travel - high school au - domestic fluff - 25k

When it comes to Louis, Harry feels like he has spent a lifetime getting it wrong, but on a chance night together where time mostly seems to be on his side, he gets the opportunity to try it all again. And again, and again, and again in an attempt to finally get it right before it’s too late.

11. A Real Work of Art by @lululawrence | high school au - childhood friends Larry - Harry is Marcel and soo oblivious - pure fluff - 11k

“I don’t understand,” Liam said for probably the fiftieth time in ten minutes. “You have to explain again how this is a bad thing.”

“Leeeeyummm,” Harry whined into the phone as he leaned his head onto his desk. “I felt like this year was my year for getting his attention, you know? That senior year I would finally get Logan Thompson to realize I exist! But he’s in almost every single one of my classes, Li. How am I supposed to survive that?”

“Easily,” Liam answered, with the same matter of fact tone his voice always took when Harry was in one of his fits. “He doesn’t know you exist, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Right?”

12. *gorgeous (it makes me so mad)* by resurrectdead | aaaaa Louis is such a scruff soft bad boy in this? like how he is in real life?? I’m dead??? - barista au - Clifford is the best wingdog - sexual tension - 29k

Harry’s a coffee barista with nothing really going on for him except for the occasional flirting with, some, particularly hot male customers. But when a new guy starts coming in, he suddenly doesn’t know what to make out of any single situation anymore.

#monthly fic recs #sterek #larry #teen wolf #fic rec #one direction #mine #larrie hijinks #monthly reads

[noona-clock]

Now or Never - Part 2

Genre: College!AU

Pairing: Jae x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: Some mature language

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 | Words: 2,210

You had somehow gone a full week without telling Jae that you were texting Kevin... but when Kevin finally asked you out on a date, you couldn’t hold back your secret any longer. You felt dishonest, first of all, but you were also way too excited to keep it in.

“JAE!” you cried when you saw him waiting for you outside of your apartment complex.

Jae jumped a little, turning to furrow his brow at you.

“Guess what I’m doing on Saturday night!” you continued, your lips stretched into a sparkling smile.

“Playing video games with me,” he replied without hesitation.

“No.”

“Eating dinner with me.”

“No.”

“Going to Taco Bell at one AM with me.”

“No.”

“Rom-com movie marathon with me.”

“Big hint,” you said. “It has nothing to do with you.”

Jae’s brow furrowed even deeper, and he narrowed his eyes at you. “Then... what’s the point?” he asked.

“The point is I’m going on a date!” you squealed, grabbing his arm and jumping up and down a little bit.

“A date?” he repeated, sounding incredibly confused. “What? Who are -- Wait. Please tell me it’s not Coffee Guy.”

You simply beamed at him.

“You texted him back?! Y/N!”

“It’s just one date, what’s the big deal?” you chuckled as you slipped your arm through his and began walking toward the nearest dining hall.

“He waited a month to contact you after getting your number. No decent guy does that!” he cried. “If a guy is into you, he’ll text or call you that same day. Guaranteed.”

You knew you should trust Jae because, after all, he was a guy. He knew what he was talking about. But... you were going on your very first actual date, and you didn’t want to ruin it!

“Maybe he was really busy!”

“There’s no excuse,” Jae retorted, shaking his head.

“What if he left the piece of paper in his pocket and then he forgot it was in there and didn’t do laundry for a month?” you pointed out with raised eyebrows.

Jae opened his mouth to reply... but then he let out a soft sigh. “I mean -- that’s plausible, but --”

“It’s just one date,” you repeated, tugging on his arm. “Let me go on one date with him, and if he seems like a dick, I won’t see him again.”

“Yeah, but he’s probably one of those guys who doesn’t seem like a dick but actually is,” Jae argued.

You nudged him gently, holding yourself back from rolling your eyes. “I think I have better judgment than that.”

“I mean, true,” Jae agreed. “You’re friends with me, so you’re definitely smart.”

A smile tugged at your lips at his words, and you briefly rested your chin on his shoulder. “See? I know what I’m doing! One date. If I don’t like him, that’s it. No more dates. Simple as that!”

...It wasn’t that simple.

Your first date with Kevin had gone extremely well -- better than you’d ever imagined a first date could go. You’d gushed about it to Jae afterward, and he’d reluctantly agreed that maybe he wasn’t a dick and maybe -- highly unlikely but maybe -- there was a good reason why he had waited a month to text you.

So, you had gone on another date with him. And another and another and another, but it wasn’t until you’d been dating for almost six months that you realized... Kevin kind of was a dick. He had a way of blaming you for a lot of things and made himself the Good Guy by forgiving you. You, obviously, didn’t stand for that, so half the time the two of you were together, you were arguing.

But the other half? Kevin was kind of the perfect boyfriend. He brought you flowers and made you dinner and called you beautiful.

So... you stayed. Jae told you many, many, many, many times not to. But you ignored him. You assured him everything was fine. Kevin made you angry sometimes, but he didn’t make you unhappy.

And now it was your Senior year. Your final year at university -- you were almost halfway through at this point. You had Kevin, the boyfriend you’d always wanted, and you had Jae, the best friend you needed. Could things be any better?

...Well. Yeah, probably. Kevin and Jae didn’t necessarily... get along. Jae tried, he really did. And Kevin... kind of tried. But they didn’t particularly like each other, and things would be a lot better if your boyfriend and your best friend liked each other.

Just as Jae had tried to convince you many times to break up with Kevin, Kevin had tried to convince you many times to break up with Jae -- break up your friendship, of course. But you were even more adamant about keeping Jae in your life because, truly, what would you do without him? I mean, you especially needed him around because who else would you vent to about your boyfriend if you didn’t have Jae?! He was always there to listen, and he had finally learned to just listen instead of trying to give advice (advice to dump his ass).

No, you would never not be best friends with Jae, and that was that. Kevin would have to learn how to deal with it -- if he hadn’t already.

And something else Jae was always good for?

It was currently past midnight, and you’d spent the past several hours studying for your final exams for the Fall semester. Dinner had been over five hours ago so your stomach was starting to alert you that the time for food was nigh.

And where else are you going to go this late at night? Who else are you going to text a taco emoji and bell emoji and a question mark emoji to?

Thankfully, Jae read your message immediately, and within twenty minutes, the two of you were sitting in your regular booth at the Taco Bell just outside of campus.

“You’re so wrong,” Jae mumbled, his mouth full of a Dorito taco. “Why does everyone say the Brontosaurus is the best dinosaur when clearly it is the T-Rex?”

“Because T-Rexes are scary!” you cried. “Brontosauruses are so cute and they won’t eat you! You’ve seen Jurassic Park, right?”

Instead of replying verbally, Jae simply shoved the rest of his taco into his mouth. So, you shoved your crunch wrap into your mouth.

As you were chewing, your phone vibrated on the table. Jae watched as you glanced at the screen, picked it up, and began typing with one hand (your other hand holding your crunch wrap, of course).

He unwrapped his second Dorito taco and ate silently as you set your phone down... but then you picked it right back up and typed something else. And, half a minute later, you typed again.

As the seconds ticked by, Jae watched as your facial expression became increasingly annoyed.

Obviously, Kevin was texting you.

“What’s up?” he asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.

He really didn’t want to start another venting session about Kevin -- he’d had quite enough of those over the past year, and quite frankly, he was long past over it.

But... you were still his best friend. And... he was still kind of in love with you. He wanted to be there for you, especially when Kevin wasn’t.

“He’s just being weird,” you murmured with a roll of your eyes. “He doesn’t want me out this late at night.”

“You’re an adult, you can make your own decisions,” Jae replied. “Besides. It’s not like you’re out this late at night alone.”

The look on your face immediately gave away that you not being alone was actually part of the problem.

“Yeah, he’s not happy about that either,” you sighed with more than slight irritation.

“...What do you mean?”

I mean, Jae knew the guy didn’t exactly like him (for some odd reason), but geez.

“He just... would rather me be alone than be with...” You glanced over at him with the most guilty look in your eyes, and it clenched at Jae’s heart.

“Than be with me?” he asked, his brow furrowing deeply. “Is he nuts? He’d rather you be out alone after midnight than be with me?”

“I know, right?!” you cried. You turned your phone over on the table before taking hold of your crunch wrap and biting into it. “He knows that we’re just friends.”

Unfortunately, thought Jae.

“I don’t know,” you continued. “He’s just weird.”

Jae took a casual bite of his taco before asking, “So... are we...?”

“No,” you replied without hesitation. “We’re not doing anything we haven’t done for years. He just needs to get over it.”

“Why is he just bringing it up now?” Jae asked. “You guys have been together for, like, a year.”

You grinned over at Jae, but it wasn’t a happy grin by any means. It was more of a ‘I’ve been hiding something and now you’ve figured it out’ kind of grin.

Jae’s eyebrows shot up his forehead, underneath his shaggy blonde locks. “Oh. So... he’s not just bringing it up now.”

You shook your head in the tiniest possible way.

“How long?”

You sighed.

“Since the beginning?”

You nodded.

“Y/N --”

“He just has to deal!” you repeated. “You’re my best friend, you’re not going anywhere.”

Even though Jae would have preferred to be more than just your best friend, your words still made his heart feel all warm and fuzzy. You weren’t going to let anyone come between you -- not even dickbag Kevin.

“I mean, I was here first,” he pointed out with a slight smirk.

“Exactly! You were here first, and there’s nothing weird going on.”

Jae decided not to ask you what you meant by that.

“Besides,” you continued. “Who would I vent to about him if I didn’t have you?!”

Internally, Jae let out the deepest, longest, heaviest sigh. He absolutely hated that that’s what you brought up -- that that’s why you needed him around. So you could vent to him about your boyfriend.

Externally, he simply avoided your gaze and said, “Yeah. Exactly.”

“So,” you said, obviously wanting to change the subject. “What are you doing for Christmas this year?”

Oh, yeah. Winter Break was right around the corner, wasn’t it? Is that why you were up so late? You were studying for finals?

...Jae should probably get on that.

Anyway.

“Just going home,” he shrugged. “I think my grandparents are staying with us again.”

“Oh my god, I love your grandparents so much,” you gushed, pouting slightly and tilting your head toward your shoulder. “They’re so sweet! I wish I could come and see them.”

“You can,” Jae chuckled. You had visited his family over Winter Break the past two years, and unsurprisingly, both his parents and grandparents absolutely adored you.

You let out a long sigh -- almost like the one Jae had let out in his head when you’d said you needed him for your boyfriend venting sessions.

“I can’t this year. Kevin invited me home with him.”

Oh, shit.

“Damn, that’s serious,” Jae murmured, trying to sound impressed rather than depressed.

You lifted one shoulder into a shrug before taking another bite of your crunch wrap. “I mean, it’s been a year.”

“But, still... Meeting the family. Has he met Hannah and Eugene yet?” he asked, referring to your own parents. Jae, obviously, had met them several times before. Enough times to be on a first-name basis with them -- though, he was pretty sure your parents didn’t know he called them by their first names, but... oh well.

“No,” you replied with a soft chuckle. “Not yet. And they’re pretty pissed that I’m not coming home.”

“Wait, what? You’re spending the whole break with Kevin’s family?” Jae spat out.

“Well, yeah!”

“You’re not doing, like, a half-and-half situation?”

“...No.”

“Bro, that’s not right! You need to see Hannah and Eugene for Christmas!”

You need to see me for Christmas!

“Well! I’m sorry! He wanted me to stay the whole time!” you explained, though Jae could have sworn he heard a twinge of guilt in your voice. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Say ‘no,’“ Jae replied immediately.

“All right, well, I’m full,” you said with a little sigh as you began to gather up your trash.

Nice change of subject. 🙄

And Jae wasn’t quite dumb enough to ignore it and insist that you get Kevin to change his plans.

“Yeah, me too,” he mumbled, throwing his wrappers onto your tray. “You got more studying to do?”

“Probably,” you laughed. “But I’m gonna call it a night.”

“Going to sleep on a Taco Bell stomach? Good luck,” Jae teased. And he was teasing, but he also said that because he was hoping...

You raised your eyebrows and shot Jae a curious look. “You wanna game?”

Bingo.

“Hell yeah, man,” he replied with a grin. “We still need that MarioKart rematch.”

“Why even bother? You know I’m going to beat you,” you scoffed. “I always --”

“You do not! You’re such a liar, bro!”

And, just like that, it was back to normal. It was as if Kevin didn’t even exist.

Ha! If only!

Part 3

#kwritersworldnet #jae scenarios #jae imagines #jae au #jae fluff #jae fanfic #day6 scenarios #day6 imagines #day6 au #day6 fluff #day6 fanfic #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #kpop au #kpop fluff #kpop fanfic #jae #park jaehyung #day6 #kpop #day6 jae

[thenugking]

Grand Academy For Future Villains II: Attack of the Sequel, Chapter 0: Prologue. A commentary for Three.

Like Maedryn in this chapter, I am also back on my bullshit.

General CW for the whole thing: parental abuse, internalised dehumanisation as a trauma response. Three’s not doing well. They’re doing worse than usual in this specific chapter.

Game 1

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9

Alternatively, read on Google Docs here

***

That would explain the swarms of clones, you think dimly through the haze of the flashback, but not why they're me….

No. You hadn't been a mindless copy at all. You had been disappointingly independent, an individual in your own right, so instead of simply recycling you as perhaps she should have, Maedryn had raised you like her own child. Of course, you were still intended as a tool to carry out her grand designs; what kind of villain would she have been if she had simply loved and cherished you?

Professor Cerebrist had wanted your mother's replication technology for himself. When you, the living prototype of your mother's early research, showed up in his freshman Evil Genius 101 class, he saw his opportunity. In your first year at the Academy, you found yourself as the battleground in the war between your mother and her mentor. Even though it never came down to a fight between you, your loyalties were tested.

In the chaos of the battle between the rebel faculty, the attacking heroes, and the beleaguered Grand Academy administration, you'd called on your mother for help, and she'd come through. She'd defeated the Professor and taken his place.

Clearly your mother has finally perfected her replication technology and taken the place of her former mentor. But if she already has everything she wanted…why has she unleashed swarms of mindless yous upon the Academy?

It’s… not a great start to Three’s sophomore year. They weren’t looking forward to having their mother on campus in the first place, but they'd hoped she would wait at least a little while before getting back on her bullshit. (Not that that’s a phrase they’d ever use, having only heard it in the context of Scorpius informing them that ze’s very sadly back on zir bullshit, before throwing a box of scorpions at them and running off before Three could ask what ze was talking about. But Maedryn is, unfortunately, very much back on her bullshit here.)

They don’t know what she’s doing with the clones, but right now, that’s not as big of a concern as the fact that the clones are here at all. Looking like Three. And making person-like screams. And probably getting their outfits and hair messy. In public. Three is… somewhat disgruntled that after all the effort they’ve put in to turning themself into a tool, erasing any displays of personhood and imperfection, Maedryn would simply create some new tools that don’t bother with any of that at all. But which still let other people see Three as a messy, screaming person.

The very noticeable, very public appearance isn’t helpful for Three’s desire to remain unnoticed and not draw attention to themself, either. It’s an interesting paradox; they can blend into the janitorial staff perfectly, but they stick out as The Student Who Looks Like All The Clone Janitors. There’s a similar thing going on with their name, actually. They like having a name that suggests a lack of personhood, but it does have the unfortunate side effect of having people consider it  odd, unique and even memorable.

...That first explanatory paragraph up there is spot-on Three characterisation though. 

#"But what an impressive job you've done of it! I'm so proud you're my mother!"

She looks at you critically. "A bit grovelly, but appropriate; it was and you should be."

Three’s probably not quite this grovelly. Apart from disliking the exuberance of the exclamation marks, they’ve had nineteen years to learn to measure quite how much grovelling Maedryn likes. But a little grovelling in this situation is only appropriate, particularly when they’re not certain exactly what she might have read from their thoughts on the flashback gun.

"Some of you may remember," says the Head, in ponderous tones, "the attempted establishment of a second and rival school on our campus last year, calling itself the Polytechnic Institute for Antagonism and Moral Complexity. This institution is hereby forcibly dissolved, thanks to the clone armies contributed by our loyal faculty. There is but one school on this campus, and it will tolerate no challenge, share no power, and show no mercy!"

The judgment of the remnant of the ill-fated Polytechnic Institute for Antagonism and Moral Complexity is summary, arbitrary, and surprisingly creative. The fates of the rebel faculty, announced and executed by DarkBoard, range from "Probation, with Extra Probes" for Professor Ulik, to "Dismissal Before Expiration of Contract" for the senior Professor Dethclot, to "Disciplinary Suspension" for the ringleader, Professor Mortwain. This last didn't sound so bad, until you see that it involves being suspended in a vat of clear Jell-O and set on the plinth in the courtyard as a warning to traitors.

The rebel students are all expelled, which is to say they are one by one dropped through a trapdoor in the floor. Presumably it ends up somewhere in the dungeons, but the geography of the Grand Academy is dubious at the best of times, and you figure they're lucky if they end up somewhere with a breathable atmosphere and not floating in the void.

Three thought they’d long grown out of feeling sorry and disappointed for idealists who tried to act against their mother. Of course, they hadn’t known Maedryn had cared about the Polytechnic Institute for Antagonism and Moral Complexity, but on reflection, they don’t know why they ever expected the School Head to have any more mercy than Maedryn had. It’s unexpected and unpleasant, having these feelings come up again, and there’s a deeper despair they’re not sure they remember feeling before.

They could have been part of the Professor Mortwain’s Institute. They’d thought before this that they should have been. It was only cowardness that stopped them. But they’ve known all along that going against authority never ends well. This just shows they were right. This just proves any ideas they had about standing for their own beliefs in future were foolish and naive, and they knew better than Mortwain and Ulik and Phil and everyone else in the firing line now. So why do they still feel like they should be standing there with them?

"That," the School Head tells the surviving students and staff, "was a Refreshing Display of School Spirit."

It casts its gaze about the hall. Then those eyes land directly on you. "Are there any remaining students in this body," it says, "that we should know about, that participated in activities unbecoming the Grand Academy for Future Villains?"

You scan the hall, trying to find someone to betray. Not Rathna, you were known to be enemies. Not Miriel the Bloodshrike, you actually like her. Not Aurion either, the Head is known to favor him.

There. Leaning back in his chair, you spot the perfect mark. Phil, a casual friend from last year. Permanent upperclassman, villainous slacker, and known supporter of the rebel college, insofar as he could be bothered to support anything at all. 

The Head's baleful gaze has not left you. It's waiting.

Seriously, why am I being told I’m enemies with Rathna now? And that I like Miriel? Anyway, Three doesn’t particularly want to betray anyone. Certainly not Aurion, their Not Best Friend, or Rathna, who they get along well with, and turning on anyone from the Shadow Council could be dangerous. But with the Head looking right at them, betraying someone else might be the only way to keep themself safe. A few months ago, they wouldn’t have hesitated before giving Phil up; they’d thought he was too lazy and useless to deserve a place here anyway. Then he’d beaten them, and shown a commitment to his cause Three wished they could have, and inspired them to do better. Which obviously, in the end, was a bad decision on Phil’s part and got neither of them anywhere.

#Say nothing and hope no one notices.

You can't bear to betray him. However, your mother—despite the effort of controlling all the replicas in the room—notices your hesitation, and intervenes. Phil isn't any help. He doesn't put up a fight, doesn't even really seem to notice what's happening until he's hauled off to the trapdoor by two of your blank-faced replicas.

You think you hear him call your name. "What are you—" You shift guiltily in your seat, but he's addressing the clones.

Did he even notice that they weren't you? Did he even care that there were suddenly swarms of you when last year there'd been only one? Hurtful. He deserves whatever he's going to get. Or so you tell yourself as the trapdoor closes with a final clang.

Three doesn’t really feel hurt (at least not by Phil). After all, why shouldn’t he think the clones are controlled by them? Or that Three’s at least part of the dissolution of the Polytechnic Institute for Antagonism and Moral Complexity? They were working with the School Head to stop it last year, and they’re sitting with Maedryn now. And they never thanked him for what he did. And they never apologised.

Three doesn’t have many thoughts on the rest of the announcements, mostly because they’re dissociating during them. Which is fine. That stops them having feelings, and tools don’t have feelings. None of the Probably Much More Useful Than Three Is clones have feelings. Does Maedryn even need them for anything now she has the clones?

It’s not going to be a good year for Three.

#grand academy for future villains #choice of games #grand academy ii: attack of the sequel #....i'm noy gonna tag that every time #three #marsh ocs #long post #maedryn #the school head #gavril philippe des anges dechus

[writingwhywhywhy]

Derailed Chapter Two

6 years ago.....

You had been hunting with the Winchesters for almost a year. Some nasty vamps had set fire to your home trying to kill your entire family. They had succeeded in killing your mother, father and two sisters. Luckily for you the Winchesters showed up in time to save you.

After finding out what had killed your family, you insisted that you join the Winchesters in hunting. They protested, but you pointed out that your family was dead and that you had to fake your own death to keep yourself safe until the vamps were dead. It would be beyond weird for you to resurrect, and go back to college for your senior year like it was nothing. So they yielded and brought you along. Several times they tried to pin you on Bobby but both of you knew what those boys were pulling. To show them what for, the two of you normally managed to finish the hunt before them.

From that moment forward, it was a new life. It was hard but enough of the time it was worth while. You had two best friends who felt more like family, and a grouchy old man serving as wise sage, father and friend within your new life. The only thing making things complicated was your growing feelings for a certain Winchester. Dean had gotten under your skin in a way no one had before. It was intoxicating. Those beautiful green eyes were a drug you didn't know you could get high on. The worst part is he felt nothing but a brotherly love back. You could have screamed.

"Hey Y/N, we found some ghost that needs to be stopped. Want to come?" Sam asked on that faithful day.

"You mean I don't have to stay with the sitter?" You replied back in a fake child like voice.

"And if you're really good we will even get McDonald's for dinner." Sam replied with a smile.

The hunt was simple, and then suddenly it wasn't. The three of you had found out who the ghost was and where they had been buried. Digging up a grave in the middle of the night was as normal as breathing by now. Salt was thrown heavily on the body. Burn was the only missing step when the ghost showed up.

It threw you into a very lovely statue. Your vision went blurry. You might have seen someone throw a lighter onto the body. You might have seen worry on a face rushing towards you. You did in fact pass out. "Please don't be dead. I really do love you. Just don't die on me. I promise I won't be a coward anymore." You thought you herd Dean's voice from a million miles away in your mind. You were beyond happy that your brain was giving you the words you had wanted to hear for so long from him in your final moments.

You woke up in the back of the Impala. You saw street lights flash by. "Ugh my head" you groaned.

"Dean I think she is awake." Sam said.

"Hey Sam, did I do well enough on the hunt to get McDonald's?" You asked in the best joking voice possible.

You could have sworn the tension in Sam released. "Unfortunately you did so well we have to take you to the hospital." Sam replied.

"Sam, I am fine. Just a small bump to the head." You said trying to  avoid the hospital.

"You were not fine and I need to know if you're going to be okay." Dean growled.

That put a stop to the argument. When you pulled into the hospital, Dean tried to carry you.  "Dean I can use my very own two legs. See they are attached at my hip." You complained.

Dean settled for an arm around your waist. "Sam, I will check her in. You want to grab some coffee?" Dean ordered more than asked.

You registered a positive response from Sam. Your entire focus was the arm wrapped around you in a protective fashion. You knew he was being a brother to you as always but it was driving you wild. The last time Dean had touched you was on accident while grabbing something from the back seat. It had sent sparks through your entire body. Part of you was worried that all you could think of was Dean, after you had almost died.

Dean escorted you in. After checking you in under a fake name, you had a bit of wait for the doctor. You gave some stupid story about falling onto concrete. The doctor eyed Dean and you like they weren't really believing it. "He may look ripped but he can't tackle me that hard" you said successfully relaxing the doctor.

After a few tests, the doctor said you were good. They recommend that you should stay up for a few hours as a precaution. As you walked out you said "See Dean you got all worked up over nothing."

"It wasn't nothing. I thought I had lost you." He replied

"Well I am all fine. Ten fingers and toes! Just in need of some coffee." You said cheerfully.

"What if you hadn't been?" He said with some sadness and anger.

"Another body to salt and burn. But of course you would need to roast some marshmallows over the fire because you know how much I love marshmallows." You joked

"Dammit Y/N! This is serious! We could've... I could've lost you and you wouldn't have known what you mean to me. Or how much having you around means." Dean shouted back.

"Calm down buddy. One we are leaving a hospital and two I know what I mean to you and Sam. You guys love me because I am the little sister you never asked for. I keep you guys on your toes ." You replied

"That's not it for me." Dean said

"Then what is it for you Dean?" You challenged.

He kissed you with a great need. The kiss grew deeper until you heard the honk of the impala. "Finally! Now can we get back to the room" you herd Sam shout.

Three and a half years ago...........................

"I thought your brothers' whores normally got to skip your parties" you groaned at Rebekah.

"Who ever called you my brother's whore?" She said with a smile

"You, several months ago. I got to skip every Mikaelson party since then." You replied.

The party you had attended was luckily just one Rebekah had thrown for fun and not for information. Then Haley showed up and had a lovely loud fight with Elijah and yourself. Soon after Jackson showed up and it was over. The three of you did have an actual conversation later. She is a lovely woman who is a frenemy of yours. Hell you would be best friends if she wasn't still a bit in love with Elijah while still being married to Jackson, and if you hadn't been sleeping with Elijah to try and forget about Dean. (In your defense Elijah was sleeping with you to try and get over Haley).

Rebekah had called you Elijah's whore and demanded you never show your face anywhere near the rest of the family in a bit of a rage. That soon changed once the family had warmed up to you. You were living with them at the compound after all, and your major sins were being an ex-hunter and using Elijah to get over someone. You were hardly the worst thing living there.

"Well you're my friend now and friends forgive each other." Rebekah stated

"Well I won't forgive you for making me go to some party." You said

"That means you have to forgive me for the dress shopping today!" She said

"No it doesn't. I don't own a dress and do not plan on changing that." You said

"You will. I need a dress, Freya needs one, and you need one. It could be a sister bonding trip." She said

"Why isn't Keelin joining us?" You asked forgetting to point out that you were not in a very serious relationship with Elijah.

"I mean Freya is getting a dress to knock Keelin off of her feet." She replied

"Haley should join us." You said with a fake innocent smile.

Rebekah gave a glare that meant no. "She won't be coming because she will be watching Hope with Jackson." She said clarifying her no.

"I don't want to go." You tried one more plea.

"I don't want you to miss it." She said defeating your plea.

The worst thing about the Mikaelsons, was that they gave you a run for your money on being stubborn. You wanted to grumble the entire day, dress shopping was a version of hell on Earth for you, but you were spending the day with two amazing people you considered friends. Plus you knew Elijah would probably sweep you away soon after the party started, so you would need a little good will from Rebekah.

As soon as you entered the dress shop, Rebekah threw a pile of dresses at you and Freya. "Where is your pile?" You joked.

"I have already selected a dress." She stated

"So basically you came here to make sure that we don't look like slobs." said Freya

Rebekah gave a small smile and said nothing. You and Freya resigned yourselves to trying on every dress Rebekah had handed you. You took the first dress on the pile and threw it on without looking at it. When you saw yourself in the mirror, you froze. It was a very stunning emerald, that would have been a prefect match for Dean's eyes. The cut was low and the slit went to almost all the way to your hip. The last time you had worn a dress like this Dean had ripped it off of you like tissue paper. It screamed Dean at you. It screamed the pain he had caused asking you to leave.

 Being so heavily reminded of him, would've made you break down crying a few months ago. Hell a few weeks ago you would have broke down into a sobbing mess. Then like a light breaking through a cloud, Elijah had smiled at you and your heart fluttered. You had been sleeping with Elijah for a few months now, but there was no emotional investment for either of you. Then he smiled and suddenly you felt something resembling romantic attraction under that current of pain Dean had given you. You could almost think about Dean without feeling an ocean of pain. The progress you had somewhat made was enough to keep you upright, but not mobile. You were standing in a dress that screamed the name of the man you were in love with and you could feel the pain he caused. You were floating further away with each second.

"Do we have to show you every dress?" Freya asked from somewhere that sounded miles away from you.

"No. I have impeccable taste. Whichever one you like is good." Rebekah replied.

With that exchange, you broke through your fog. You ripped the dress off of yourself. You dug through the pile and found a dress that didn't remind you of Dean. You tried it on and loved it. Rebekah really did have impeccable taste, that is when she didn't accidentally pick a dress that reminded you of your ex!

After the "shopping" trip, Rebekah basically did both yours and Freya's makeup and hair despite both of you heavily protesting. She used the excuse of having thousands of years of experience. The protest went boldly on, but soon enough the three of you were ready.

Descending the stairs felt like a miracle in the heels Rebekah insisted that you wear. The only comfort you knew was that Elijah's eyes never left your frame, and hopefully if you tripped he could maybe grab you. "You look absolutely stunning." He said as soon as you reached him.

"I thought you said that I only look stunning underneath you." You whispered in his ear hoping no one else herd.

He leaned close to your ear as he whispered back "You always look stunning under me, but you do look stunning on your own."

You blushed a bit. "Shall we dance?" He asked with a smile.

You nodded yes. The two of you danced for quite some time before you interrupted the moment. "Not that I am complaining  but normally you sweep me away to a bedroom  by now."

"You look way too lovely to hide away tonight." He replied.

You blushed again. He leaned in and whispered "I like having you here in my life."

"I won't go anywhere." You promised.

He kissed you. "Good, because I  plan on keeping you forever and always."

Tagging: @idkhaylijah

#elijah x reader #elijah mikaelson x reader #dean x reader #dean winchester x reader #derailed

[mediapuppy]

Gosh it’s so flattering that people want to know more about me!  Now you wouldn’t expected these to be loaded questions, but let me preface this by saying that I’m an absolute mess when it comes to college.  I do nothing normally.  Sleep is nonexistent.  My advisors are going to stab me in my sleep. Come with me while I take you on the wild, dysfunctional rollercoaster that is Media’s College Misadventures™

Now I like a lot of things in an abstract sort of way.  I love cooking and baking.  I used to do a lot of overseas work with genetics and animals.  I’ve always been fascinated by the brain in the sort of vague way most people are. But this doesn’t sell, so I went into my freshman year an Economics/CS major as prep work to take over the family business!    Please for the love of god don’t follow in my footsteps but I spent the last two years of high school running with a dangerously fun crew whose blood was 80% vodka and 20% bad decisions and we all somehow got into our top universities.  Out of sheer notgivingafuckness I put all the top universities I got into in a hat and just picked one.  The next morning I woke up with no recollection of the previous day and a thank-you email from the college I apparently accepted.  I was very drunk, yet I regret nothing. This college decided the best course of action would be to send me to Ireland for my first year where I immediately proceeded to make friends with all my professors and go drinking with them after class every day.  They showed me pizza clubs and these really fancy underground bars for the Irish elite, I think one of my best memories was going to a gay bar in the back alleys of southside Dublin with my economic perspectives prof then drunk stumbling over to this game shop at 2AM to learn to play magic with these very confused guys that readily accepted us as their new best friends. I learned absolutely nothing.  If you’re wondering just how much of a mess I was the dean of the entire fucking university knew me as the girl that was always asleep on the floor between classes with this dude who looked like the human version of Animal from The Muppets guarding my stuff.  The dean would go to this chocolatiers place across the street and get a few chocolate treats with his morning coffee to put in my hungover, asleep fish hand for when I woke up.  That man was a goddamn delight and I still talk to him to this day. A lot of things happened in Ireland that I will happily tell ya’ll if you want!  Just as an overview during these few months we also: got tazed repeatedly because we lived in gang territory (thanks uni for putting us there!!), watched our friend get kidnapped overnight from our favorite club (he was fine), got the entire country of America banned from several bars on our street, got accepted by the gang that terrorized us for the first two months, watched as on Halloween our entire apartment building got set on fire by said gang and we just went outside to drink beer with them while our advisor was having a nervous breakdown, and many, many bad decisions on my part.   After a few months we all got shipped back to the actual campus back in the states where things all went downhill.  My advisor straight up quit in my first week and I never got reassigned so I was just this poor tiny freshman stuck in upper-level classes with very confused and sympathetic seniors.  Halfway into the second semester one of my profs, the head of the whole econ department, started hitting on me.  If you’ve ever had the wonderful experience of being A Female In College ™ you know the type.  The ones that lean in a little too close, smile a little too wide when they see you.  So I said hell no and switched out of the major before the semester had even ended Into my second year, I was just taking classes aimlessly for a while picking new majors every few weeks while my advisors prayed for my demise.  I dabbled in psychology and sociology until I realized it was just memorizing terminology (but I made a friend in intro and together we both completed a minor in it just to hang out).  There was a very short-lived stint in biology for a while.  I dipped my fingers into Neuroscience for as long as they’d tolerate me.  Mathematics wasn’t too interesting without a double.  I ended up joining a lot of clubs and my main one was an engineering club (my uni is engineering-focused, rip me) but none of the facets of engineering interested me. Following from my long laundry list of good decisions I decided to just start befriending more professors and to aimlessly take their classes instead.  Long story short I accidentally completed a full B.S. in Philosophy of Science my sophomore year after overloading courses and being bored as all hell so a friend of mine, one of the top profs in the department, asked me to take his new upper-level quantum course so I said yes if he’d wave the prereqs and oop it turned out to be a senior thesis course and then I was all done with that major. I hadn’t made university hours so the beginning of my third year I was just taking mathematics and a few other courses while my advisors breathed down my neck ready to murder me.  They wanted me gone so bad, man, ya’ll have no idea.  I’m not even mentioning all the times I raised absolute hell on campus we just focusing on my major-based misadventures right now. Okay, so part of my university is something called co-op: a mandatory work experience period where students take semesters off at a time to do paid work in the field of their choice.  I hadn’t really any set majors at the time except for whatever bullshit showed up on my degree audit so I started searching for my 4-6 month co-op just to get it out of the way. Unfortunately for everybody involved, I interview extremely well and look good on paper.  I look damn good in a suit too and like to entertain when they’re supposed to be grilling me, so nobody stood a chance. I applied to the most ridiculous jobs I could find.  I was not qualified for any of it.  I got accepted to 90% of what I applied to. Out of notgivingafuckness pt2 I decided to give myself to the highest bidder which is how I ended up working for a defense contracting company that liked my coding background and how I just kinda roll with whatever’s going on.  So on the cusp of the covid pandemic I was working in security and dispatch for a major city hall that controlled the police department, fire, sanitation, everything under the sun.   I was so bad at my job, but I was enjoying it and that was everybody else’s problem.  When covid really started up and they let me go with 6 months full pay I immediately switched into PoliSci/Cyber and that’s where I am now, in my 4th year!   So to answer your question: my major is a mystery to everyone including me, but it’s something like PhilSci/PoliSci/Cyber and I’m taking 6 classes and I am dying fams.  My college experience is not and will never be normal, and I’ve still got masters/phd to go.  I’ve got a ton of great friends who constantly worry for my wellbeing because I do crazy shit and I am currently taking on the daunting challenge of befriending profs over zoom, who are only half into it. Don’t be me, but go out there and have fun!  College doesn’t have to be all about studying, and while now I’m taking too many classes to do much of anything else in my first few years I joined a ton of clubs and experienced all I could, so just get out there and do your best!

#media answers #my college life is a mess don't come for me please #i'll figure it out eventually I swear #media's college misadventures

[deepestdarkestsickestpartsofu]

Introduction

We met in spring of 2017. He changed my life forever, in a way that I will never be able to explain. What I would want you to understand before reading this, is how much love has taken charge of my feelings and impulses. 

I loved him, I love him. 

Nothing he did will ever change that.

At this point I bet you may be wondering who I am. Right... I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Nadir, a 25 year old man that is attracted to other men, but that’s not the most significant part in the story. I grew up in a quiet conservative town in Michigan, with a small population of less than 5,000 people. My mother is pretty old schooled and forced me to stay in school until I graduated. That meant no ‘girlfriends’, no sleepovers, no working. I always had the desire to help her monetarily by getting a job and at least pay the house bills. However she would constantly say to me to just focus on my studies and that would be what would help us in the long run.

My parents are originally from Israel. My mother grew up as Catholic, which was not the usual back then and my father grew up Jewish. They became less religious when they decided to move to the United States, which is where they had my siblings and I. They both lived here as immigrants and I didn’t understand what that meant when I was a child, I just thought we were like any other family living in the US. My father unfortunately passed away from a heart attack when I was 8 years old and it affected me in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine. During his wake, I didn’t cry. It was all so surreal and I felt like he would wake up randomly and claim that everything was a joke. He had a great sense of humor and always managed to make people smile, however his death wasn’t a joke. Once it was time to bury him, I cried as hard as I could since I knew I wouldn’t see him ever again. After that, my mother worked as hard as she could to give my siblings and I what we needed. She could barely afford to pay for the mortgage on the house until my older brothers started working and helping her out with as much as they could. My mother worked two jobs daily to make sure we had food on our table, clothes and a good education. 

It would hurt me to see her stress about providing for us, so eventually I managed to get a scholarship at San Francisco State University. Being the youngest of 4 children gave me a bit of an advantage to enjoy ‘the beauty of freedom’ as we know it now, and not have to struggle about being gay in the 70′s, not that it’s any different now. I mean there are hate crimes all over, shootings that keep getting more common by the minute and discrimination which is still pretty big now. That is one of the reasons why I decided not to come out to my mother, nor anyone in town for that matter. I was already struggling with self-acceptance and I didn’t want to be a burden to my mother. During my senior year of High School I managed to convince my mother to let me work to save up for essential stuff. I began working at a pharmacy and little by little saved up enough money to leave town and follow my dreams in a career I wanted. I wasn’t certain of what my major would be, however it needed to be in the art field. Whether it would be acting, directing, drawing or video editing. I decided to go with the flow and see what would appeal my interest. I wanted to be able to afford a place in ‘The City’, so working at that little pharmacy helped me save up & I also had a job secured so I would be able to help my mother with her expenses from afar. 

It took me a few months but right before spring classes started, I booked the first plane to San Francisco without looking back. My siblings showed up with my mother to the airport. Elijah, the oldest, was a bit of a role model growing up. He got married at 22, had 2 children and joined the police force. Amir, the second to oldest, was always a jokester which he definitely got from my father,  and had a bit of a ‘bad boy’ complex, which is quite the opposite of Elijah. He never got married, which my mother never agreed with, however he did have 3 kids, all with different women. Last but not least, my sister Hadassah, she was only 3 years older than me and I guess you could say we were the closest. Both of us would take care of my mom as much as possible and help her around the house as much as it was possible. She decided to stay in a community college to be closer to my mother and to help her financially as much as she possibly could. I hugged everyone goodbye, but when I got to my mother I couldn’t hold it in much longer. Tears started pouring down my face as I hugged her, but managed to remind her that this wasn’t a goodbye, but a ‘see you later’. I wish I could’ve come out to her, but I was afraid it would devastate her and we might lose the relationship we had built. As cliche as it sounds, she is my best friend, the person I trust the most in this world. I was considering staying as I hugged her. She pulled away and put our foreheads together. 

“You’ll be fine... You’ve got this! And remember einayim sheli, you’re stronger than you think! I’ll be supporting you from afar! Nothing you could do would ever disappoint me”.

“I love you mom. Don’t worry, I’ll send money your way and I’ll be back during the holidays!”

“You better, my dear! Now go, don’t want you to miss your flight”, she said as she hugged me once again.

Her words gave me enough courage to pick up my stuff and board the plane. I turned back once more before heading to the ramp and saw my siblings & her waving at me. Hadassah was hugging my mother and even though she was trying to stay as strong as possible, I saw tears rolling down her face. She noticed that I saw them and immediately wiped them off with a smile. I always admired how strong of a woman she is. She truly is a role model and someone I look up to as to how to live my life. However, I’ve never been as strong so I couldn’t hold back and started crying as I boarded the plane. 

The flight felt eternal and having anxiety didn’t help at all. I quit medication a few months before leaving since I didn’t think I would need it… Boy, was I wrong. I managed to calm myself down by working on some sketches I’ve been doing on my drawing paper pad. Next thing I knew, I was arriving in San Francisco, California; Population: 883,305, well... I guess now it’s 883,306 residents. I wasn’t necessarily going into San Francisco completely helpless, I was moving in with my best friend. I met Marcia in elementary school. Her father Sebastiao works for the government, and that’s as much as I know about him. That and the fact that he had to move to San Francisco due to a “really good job opportunity”.  Her father is originally from Brazil & his wife, Mayra is Mexican-American. Marcia grew up and learned all three languages, English, Spanish & Portuguese so she was able to fit in easier in “The Bay Area” when they left our little town. We would spend hours on the phone after she moved and she would tell me about San Francisco and how she thought I’d love it. She was honestly afraid to be one of those kids whose parents have to move regularly because of their jobs, but lucky for her, she didn’t have to do that. She set up a high bar for me arriving in San Fran and when I did... Well, let’s just say she didn’t disappoint. Her dad bought her an apartment and she was willing to share it with me at no cost, but I already had plans of helping her out with utilities & give her some extra cash to thank her for sharing her apartment with me. She shared her apartment with two puppies, Chuy & Elena, two small pomeranians whom she considered her children since she wasn’t planning on having any kids. When I told her I had gotten a scholarship to SF State, she immediately suggested I should move in with her. I wasn’t too sure of that idea, but it honestly was the best option I had so far.

I finally get my luggage and sit in the lobby to wait for her. I look around and see a lot of people meeting up with their loved one, whether it is their lover, or family. “You just left your family back there. You won’t even make it here nor achieve anything you had your mind set to. This is truly a bad idea. Why are you even doing here? You’re an idiot for leaving! All for some stupid experiment you want to try? Bullshit!”. I close my eyes and take another deep breath. I then feel my phone vibrate with the following text message:

“I see you!”

I looked up and saw her smile. She hadn’t grown much, stood about 5′6, black, curly shoulder-length hair, light skinned, with dorky glasses. People always claimed she was a weirdo, but who am I to judge? I was a bit taller than her, stood about 6′1, a bit of scruff on my face, brown semi clean-cut hair. I was always the weird kid at school, so we managed to click from the very beginning. She was the first person to talk to me in elementary school, and that meant the world to me. I was always a bit of an introvert, however she helped me come out of my shell little by little and when she left, I fell back into it. 

“Marcia! Babe! I’m so happy to see you!”

I ran to her and hugged her. It felt like yesterday that I had said goodbye to her at the airport. 

“Honeeeeey! Ugh, I’m soooo glad to see you! You smell soooo good! Don’t tell me you’re still into buying or should I say, collecting colognes?”

“Guilty!”

“Well then, you just might like what I have for you at home! Let me help you with your bags! I can’t wait for you to FINALLY meet Chuy & Elena! They’re going to LOVE you! My tia is still pretty mad that I named Elena after her, but she should take it as a compliment! It just means I love her! I mean, dogs are your most loyal companions... Not that she was ever loyal to my uncle, but still! I’m telling you, my little Elena is NOTHING like her!” 

I looked at her in disbelief. She still had that smile and a gleam in her eye. She had always had that hopeful gleam in her eye... Something I had lost a long time ago. 

I hated it.

“I’ll kill if I have to, but I’ll regain that hope again, just wait”

#My Story #My Writing #Story #Short Story #Twisted Tales #Chapter 1 #Introduction #Fiction #Writing #Twisted Love #Deep Dark Sick

[hayesit]

matt’s 2019 year in review

here it is! and it’s late because i had other/better things to do (and procrastinating), was recovering from hangovers (also procrastinating), and recovering from being sick (procrastinating).

i’ve been doing these year in review posts since 2016, so here is my fourth installment. every year i look back through my google calendar, my camera roll, and my bullet journal as a gratitude exercise and to chart my own development as an adult. 

here is my spotify wrapped 2019!

the beginning of this year was off to a good start: i met two friends that i know through the internet! i met my friend riley when she visited boston (i met her through a mutual friend and through overwatch league twitter) and my friend jimmy that i’ve known for…. 6 or 7 years (?!) through tumblr and designed the logo for me and alex’s late podcast, hardly tea, may she rest in peace. 

i moved dorm rooms in between the fall and spring semester, and once again i was not happy with where i lived. i lived with 4 rando’s that i was placed with and the 5 of us barely even talked with each other. my direct roommate i saw for only two weeks, and for the nights he slept over in the bed (that he was paying room and board for) and had the worst snoring humanly possible that not even earplugs could kill (video below). i hardly slept while he was there and roamed the halls of riverview suites like a ghost due to the anxiety i felt about my lack of sleep (we love a vicious circle)! he disappeared after those two weeks without notice and i lived in fear of him returning for the rest of the semester (which he didn’t), but returned to my normal sleep schedule. 

that semester was my first semester of full-time grad school. i got a poor grade on an assignment that had a note from the professor that said she knew i could do better and it hit me how much different grad school is from undergrad and how much more effort and dedication it requires. after crying in my professor’s office, my work ethic has improved since then, but it’s not anywhere near where i’d like it to be (more on that later). 

now to more positive things for the spring semester: i met some friends that semester both ~on and offline~ that made the semester far more bearable AND i did however truly pop off in every last one of my powerpoint presentations for class. i looooove making powerpoints and just fuckin telling jokes about my research topic and have ppl tell me that they are looking forward to my presentation & that i should teach college classes :)!

me and 4 friends had a social group in which we’d drink and play board games and forget about the board game and drunkenly talk shit called cabam after all our first initials! i always looked forward to that and dug the group chemistry a lot.

during this semester i grew a   “ beard “, otherwise known as i chose not to shave just to  “ see what would happen “ (praythatitfilledin). sorry about that!

the overwatch league was something that i had to look forward to watch every week and i had my experience enhanced through sideshow and avast’s unofficial companion streams, which guaranteed lots of laughs. i have bought tickets to two boston home games in 2020 which i am very excited about! analysts have predicted boston to be in 20th place this year (there are 20 teams) but i’m still excited for the 2020 season anyway!!

i can’t have a year-in-review of 2019 without mentioning game of thrones. due to the show’s final season being undeniably weak, i enjoyed the camaraderie with the other people that watched thrones during those six weeks. i haven’t thought about the show or its universe for quite a while, unfortunately. i truly was quite into the world of westeros, but the weakness of the end of the story cheapened the journey of each of the characters, in a way. such a shame.

while i got my diploma in december 2018, i walked across the stage of umass lowell’s tsongas arena with my bachelor of arts in psychology (and minor in theatre arts). it wasn’t as emotional or triumphant of an experience and just felt weird, considering i had already gotten my diploma and was going to remain in the clutches of rowdy the riverhawk as i am staying for my masters degree in applied behavior analysis/autism studies. i brought a ceramic monkey to graduation. it didn’t have any symbolism, but i just wanted to see if they’d stop me (which they didn’t)

 this summer was better than most summers of mine go, i hung out with alex nearly every weekend, got my very first iphone, and got a data plan. the combination of these three things got me back into playing pokemon go, an unexpectedly fun pastime! went on lots of walks!

my favorite day of summer was going to a lake with alex and our friend gianna, who i grew closer to after meeting her during macbeth last year. fond 2019 memories with gianna include: doing simulation patients with her, watching movies with her and alex, and the halloween party. what a great gd person and a great gd friend! big fan and eternally rooting for her. 

fire emblem: three houses came out on the switch in august and is, without a doubt, my game of the year. there’s truly so much to love about the game: the world, the characters, new changes made to the series, things that were gone but returned, interesting micromanaging, and best of all, how huge my brain feels when playing it. 

i got a 6-week summer job as a paraprofessional at an extended-school-year program for children with developmental disabilities at a preschool in haverhill which taught me a lot of lessons, such as: i hate cleaning shit off of children.

then i had feelings that didn’t make much sense for about a month! whoops!

my full-time job i currently have is working at my old high school as a behavior specialist. i provide consultation and work on programs to lead to more appropriate behavior in students, primarily ones with developmental disabilities. so far it’s been fairly rewarding, some days are more challenging than others, some days are a lot of sitting in meetings, and some days are a lot of running around. some days there is not much to do at all, which has its obvious upsides and downsides. working at the high school isn’t something that i want to do forever, but it’s a good place to start with. i’m definitely learning a lot and there are a lot of benefits to working here. sometimes i can work on my grad school work (which is all online until the 2020 summer semester) which is definitely huge. and my commute is either a 15 minute walk or 3 minutes if my mom drives me! 

a ~complex~ thing about working in my hometown is that it makes the most financial sense to live at home because it’s so close to work. this is my first time living at home full-time since high school and i’m not enjoying that part too much. most weekends i visit alex in lowell, but being stuck at home with no car (going to retake the license test in the spring when the ice melts!) and having to go to bed so early definitely hurts. sure, i have what is likely the lowest amount of expenses i’ll ever have in my life (no car-related payments, no rent, no groceries), but i feel landlocked. i feel like a teenager with minimal freedom, which is in part because my mom doesn’t quite understand yet that i’m a 22 year-old that should have a lot more freedom than i do now. the most i really do on weekdays after work gets out (2:30p) is go to savers with my mom if it’s tuesday (senior citizen day), maybe go for a walk if it’s nice out (which for most of the school year, it isn’t), or be on the computer watching bon appetit videos and playing overwatch, fire emblem, or pokemon, eat a bland dinner at 6, go to bed at around 9:30. sad! truly not a situation that i want to be trapped in that much that much longer!

i think the best and most important part of this year was becoming closer with alex. as i mentioned before, we see each other most weekends, to our great benefit. our living situations have flip-flopped, with me living at home and alex living in an apartment near campus, which in both similar and different ways have taken their respective tolls on us. having each other while going through changes and stagnations in our lives has been immeasurably important. thank you alex for providing a place to be myself other than my own head. thank you for being my best friend. 

now i come to the thing that i’m most excited about for 2020. not 2 suck my own horn but i have cobbled together a fuckin dream team of five friends (me, alex, chris, kelly, and molly). the two times we have all gotten together it has been so satisfying in such a wonderful and otherworldly way that i am filled to the brim of happiness being around them. the craziest thing is that i met chris and kelly through twitter! TWITTER. and they’re real-ass people and my real-ass friends! i haven’t been so pleased with something in my life like this for so long and it feels so good to have adult friends that i have chosen rather than friends by circumstance. it’s truly a crime that we can’t see each other more often, but we already have a day picked out for the next time we all do something together. feeling emotional writing this paragraph bc i love me gd friends so much!

there is a lot of uncertainty about this new year for me. i sure as fuck don’t want to live at home more than i have to but don’t know where to go, my practicum class starts for me this summer which means i’ll most likely have to change jobs (fine by me, but will be exhausting), i recently began my search for therapists and hope to find one soon to help me ~unpack things~, my thesis begins in the fall semester and i don’t know what to do for it, and i’m not 100% dead-set on working in special education. it’s been hard transitioning from living on campus and going to school full-time to the life i have now. 

#year in review #personal

[jeninamarainbow]

Post # 21: The Maid of Honor Speech that did not make it

It’s been a while! I have not found the perfect time to write because my sister just got married two days ago and as the maid of honor, I had to do a lot of things! I’m glad the wedding ceremony and reception were perfect just how we envisioned them! I am writing to post my maid of honor speech which I wasn’t able to personally deliver because the bride and groom requested just for a shorter version so the guests could start eating dinner already. Ate and Kuya Chard received a copy of it and were really touched by my message and so that we could all remember, I’ll post it here.  

Good evening everyone. To our family, I am Jem, to our friends It’s Jen. I am the bride’s younger sister and the bride’s original baby before Kuya Chard happened. I hope everyone’s having a fun night. Thank you for being here, I am sure ate and kuya chard are so happy to have you on this wonderful celebration.

Ate has always been serious with her role as a big sister regardless of our just 1 ½ years of age difference. And I’ll take this wonderful opportunity to share some of these big sister moments with you. When I underwent surgery at 7 years old, I had to skip school for almost a month and when I was cleared to come back, there were a lot of school works that I have to catch up on and, I remember waking up in the middle of the night, to see ate finish those school works for me so that I could rest. To think, at that time, she was only 9 years old, but I knew she was hardworking and responsible. When I was 10 years old and in 4th grade, a 5th grader, who was a guy, accidentally fell on one of the stairs in school and unfortunately landed on me. I got hurt badly, cried really hard and naturally looked for my sister. I knew it was an accident, but I just had to tell her what happened. What I didn’t know, which I just found out later on, was that she looked for that guy and slapped him on the face for what he did to me even though it was, again, an accident. We feel sorry for the guy when we reminisce about it now, but we’re mostly grateful we didn’t get in trouble. That’s ate being protective. At 13 years old, I had to transfer to a school in Manila where ate has been going to for 2 years already. She would visit my classroom every lunch break on the first few months to check up on me, and to see if I was adjusting well, would literally fix my hair, and would remind me to always be presentable because I was already a teen and was already in high school. Everyone in that new school knew her because she was an achiever and I didn’t mind being known as “Talitha’s little sister” because let me be honest, she really made my HS life easier. In college, ate was very supportive. She would make me reviewers on the same science subjects that we had even though she was busy as a college senior herself. In medical school, we were classmates and she was always there to wake me up when I oversleep on exam days and was there to remind me to concentrate on my goals and know my strengths when I felt like I was failing. She was always focused, composed, independent and determined. I trust her decisions and what she says about mine really matters a lot to me.

I knew a certain Dr. Richard Sarino existed when I was a junior intern in DLSHSI and he was a 1st year OB resident. But, I never knew he’ll be part of my family 6 years later. When ate first brought him home, my first greeting to him was “Hi po Sir! Kumusta po?” and I went straight to our room because it felt awkward. We haven’t interacted at all before. But, like what I have told you earlier, I trust ate’s standards and decisions in all aspects of her life and I knew she had reasons why she loved Sir Chard. Then I got to know him better when he would drive from Cavite to Manila just to visit ate on a regular school day when we started residency training (for those who didn’t know, ate spent around 7 months in Manila for a different specialty before she transferred back to UMC for pathology). He’d wait until midnight to drive back to Cavite again because of traffic. He’d bring food or would cook food for us and would make sure even though they go out on dates, I wouldn’t feel left out. He’ll let me join them on my weekends off and as time passed by, Sir Chard became… Kuya Chard. Literally a week after passing my diplomate exam last year, he fetched me at home and helped me get my first gig as a pediatric junior consultant. I have learned more about his work ethics and his kindness to his patients when we started working together and I knew, these are some of the reasons why ate liked him. I was Kuya Chard’s secret keeper. He’d tell me all his plans when he wanted to surprise ate during their anniversaries or when he just felt like doing so. Although when he asked permission from me and told me about his plan to propose for marriage to ate, I remember telling him, “hala ewan ko, tanungin mo sila mommy.” But, I ended up helping him anyway and now we’re here. Kuya Chard is everyone’s breath of fresh air. You know he’s in the room because people are laughing and just having fun. He’s respectful, trustworthy and family oriented. I am grateful I earned another kuya whom I get advice from especially when its work or even relationship related.

Ate and Kuya Chard, continue to be one of God’s proof that true love exists and commitment is not something that our generation should be afraid of. Be each other’s comfort when your individual lives are struggling. Always pray for each other’s intentions so that your family will have a good foundation. Grow in love and continue to respect each other and your marriage will surely last a lifetime. I love you both so much. See you at your new home where I have my own room. 😊)) Congratulations!

PS: Yes, I cried. It took me 2 weeks to finish this script because I kept on crying before even finishing it. I still cried last night, 1 day after the wedding because I can’t believe my only sister whom I have been sharing my room with for more than 20 years won’t be obliged to sleep in “our” room anymore. But I’m happy she has found her one. Praying for a happy lifetime! (9/21/19)  

[halfthebattle]

Life Update

(Before you read this blog post, I just want to share that I’m currently listening to Sleeping with Siren’s playlist of Scene 1 to Scene 5 while writing this, hihi)

WARNING: Mahaba itong post na ‘to. Pagtiyagaan niyo nalang. Minsan lang naman ako magkuwento eh. Haha.

Hello! How are you? As always, I wish that you are all doing fine. As for me, well, I know I haven’t been active lately, and I have no better excuse than “My life has been a series of complicated mess and I didn’t know how to put those in words, I’m sorry”. Deep inside, there’s always been the urge and the need to write. Writing always calms me. It’s like an aromatic coffee that, once inhaled and sipped, gives me peace even just for a moment. But then again, I always want to find the right blend of coffee – the right words to write, that is. Maybe some of you can relate, but sometimes, it’s hard to put your emotions into words so oftentimes, you are left with suppressing them. But here I am now, about to mix in the best ingredients that I could find.

I’m about to share with all of you a glimpse of what happened over the past weeks – only those that I think are important but not too personal enough to mention.

1. Remember that post I had last August 16 when I said that I was having the worst weeks of my 2018 yet? Well, one of the reasons is my unfortunate chance of receiving ‘singko’. While taking our midterm exam, I was caught using my phone. No need to deny it now that I was checking if my answers were right, so yes, you can call that cheating, folks. I didn’t want to share it as much as possible because I felt ashamed, but then I realized, “To hell with it, I started out a blog, I should share even the bad sides that I have. I should be transparent to my readers.” My professor, who was already a senior citizen, had a hard time deciding whether he would fail me or not. He talked to the president of our class in private and asked for a second opinion. The president of our block didn’t know what to say but he did mention the oath that we signed when we shifted to Finance from Accountancy. It was written there that we are supposed to not receive a grade of 5.00 again, or else it will lead to expulsion. I was a coward, I didn’t have the guts to talk to my professor face-to-face about the matter, so I sent him a long message, explaining but mostly apologizing. He told me that I should just wait for my grades on the CRS. What really pained me were his other words. He told me that being a graduating student, being the eldest among the siblings in my family, and that my father is expecting me to graduate are not enough reasons to pass me. I swear I was tearing up when I read that. I was not worried about me, I was worried about my parents. I didn’t want them to know about this considering that it will only add to their burden. Left with no choice, I had nothing better to do than to swallow my pride and still attend classes in that subject and excruciatingly wait for my grades. As someone with depression, you could just imagine how that caused me to panic and pity myself. I kept on thinking, “Pwede bang sabihin nalang niya kung isisingko niya ako para alam ko na next move ko, kasi hindi ko na kaya na maghintay pa ng two months, hindi ako makahinga nang maluwag araw-araw?” You’ll know more about what happened after with this subject later.

Another reason for “worst weeks of 2018 yet” is our thesis. Even before we were able to do our business research, we were assigned to pass 5 thesis topic proposals. Among the 5 that my groupmates and I passed, nothing was approved. We were in dire need to start our business research already because time was against us – we only had one month left. To top it all off, sabi pa sa amin ng prof namin, “Ang babaw ng topics niyo.” Sinabi niya yun sa buong klase. Sobrang gusto na namin ng groupmates ko na kainin kami ng lupa. But I didn’t see it as mababaw. About Gender Finance yung isa naming topic, yung isa naman is about Neoliberalism. Ano mababaw run?

2. Last September 23, 2018, I wasn’t able to blog about it, but I took the Philippine Law School Admission Test (PHILSAT). I was able to muster all my strength and courage to take it and have our Thesis Oral Defense after two days! Yes, in less than a week, I faced the PHILSAT and our defense! Honestly speaking, hindi ko rin alam paano ko nakaya pero kahapon, October 15, 2018, the results were out. Lo and behold:

Hindi ko na ipapakita pangalan ko, pero NAKAPASA AKO SA PHILSAT! For less than an hour, I was happy about it, but things happen, and I feel like life (or some people) was selfish enough to let me rejoice for a day.

3. Last October 06, 2018, it was my first ever time to watch a movie in the cinema all by myself. The experience was fun and freeing at the same time. Though this was an impulsive decision I made after class, I think I should do it more often. It was a healthy way to reconnect with myself. Anyway, Exes Baggage is a 9/10 for me! Umiiyak akong lumabas ng theatre. Haha.

4. I had a day of pampering with my younger cousin at Laguna two days ago. We had a facial session, a whole-body Swedish massage, then we capped off the night with Seattle’s Best Double Chocolate Mint and Sip & Dip’s budget-friendly create-your-own snack! Gustung gusto ko kapag pumupunta ako sa kanila sa Laguna ‘cause parang pampering day ko talaga yun. Haha.

(Nagswitch na ako sa playlist ng LANY. Now Playing: Malibu Nights. Ang sakit, mga sis.)

5. Last night, as mentioned in my previous post, biglaan akong inatake ng Major Depressive Disorder ko. Masyado na marami nangyayari sa buhay ko minsan na minsan tinatry ko mawalan ng paki, tinatry ko huwag panghawakan yung mga bagay na yun, but sometimes, hindi pa rin ako matahimik. Kagabi, on my way home, di muna ako pumasok ng bahay kasi umiiyak na ako mag-isa sa labas ng bahay namin, mukha akong tanga though wala naman nakakakita sa akin. Chinat ko bestfriends ko. Ayun, minessage nung bestfriend ko since kindergarten yung nanay ko. Nung una, di ako pinayagan pero pumayag din naman. So, nagbook na ako ng Grab papunta sa kanila. Nag-usap kami sa kwarto niya about things that are going in our lives. Nagpa-McDelivery kami pero nakatulog na ako so siya nalang kumain kagabi. Sa umaga ko nalang kinain yung share ko. HAHA.

6. As of today, kumpleto na rin naman grades ko. Pasado ako sa lahat. Although hindi ako kontento sa grades ko, alam ko naman na deserve ko yung mga mabababa. Ang importante nalang sa akin ngayon is nakapasa ako. About dun sa prof ko na pinag-iisipan kung ibabagsak ako, well, nung Final Examination week namin, hindi na niya pinag-exam yung mga perfect attendance. Isa na ako run. Pero he talked to me separately. Nag-aral daw ba ako, sabi ko, “Opo, Sir.” Sabi niya, “Nevermind, don’t take the exam. You won’t fail. I assure you. In a 1/8 sheet of paper, just write the grade you think you deserve.” Oh, diba, mala-Fault in our Stars?! Haha. Nilagay ko 2.75. Binago ko. Nilagay ko 3.00. In the end, he gave me 2.50. I messaged him na super thankful ako kasi ang considerate niya. Di ko yata deserve. ☹ As for my other professor, gusto ko isampal sa kaniya yung sinabi niya na ang babaw ng topic namin. Pero thankful na rin ako kasi nabago topic namin. We got 1.25. KAMI PINAKA MATAAS, BESHY. We couldn’t get happier!

7. Oo nga pala, “sembreak” na namin ngayon. Pero limang araw lang. First time ko ‘to maexperience in my college life. Haha. Sa limang araw na yun, dalawang araw inilaan pa sa enrollment. Bawas pa ng isang araw kasi bukas, pinapapunta kami para i-file yung overload form namin for next sem. So, lumalabas na dalawang araw lang pahinga ko. At yung isa pa run ay kinuha sa akin ng depression ko. Haha.

That’s all, folks! If you’ve reached this far, please comment a heart for me! Kailangan ko ngayon ng love and attention. Asar, ang needy ko. Huehue. Anyway... Thank you so much!!

#DearDiary #personal #life #depression #depressed #mental health #mental disorder #mentally ill #school #college

[bts-reacts]

Info Game

Well it’s my turn here we go

Last

1. Drink - Arozina green tea with honey and ginseng this runs through my veins

2. Phone call - My boo 

3. Text message - Also my boo

4. Song you listened to - Well if you don’t count what I’m currently listening to, EOEO by UNIQ

5. Time you cried - This morning. I AM A VERY PASSIONATE SINGER AND I SAW A VIDEO WHERE THIS GIRL ON THE UNIT HIT A BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT HIGH NOTE. THEN THE GROUP DID AMAZING HARMONIES It was The Yellow group singing Jackpot. I got shook

Ever

6. Dated someone twice - when I was in 4th-8th grade and didn’t knw what dating was I went back and forth with the same guy every single damn year

7. Kissed someone and regretted it - Every boy I hooked up with during my senior year I was discovering myself through a hoe phase

8. Been cheated on - my ex cheated on me for 6 months of our 1 year relationship. Then called me a crazy bitch for calling him out on it and telling the girl he had another gf. I am still blocked on all of his social media

9. Lost someone special - I was raised by a single mother until I was about 7 years old. My step dad was the first man I had in my life to be considered a father, and in 2012 he passed away in a motorcycle accident. He got hit headon by a semi truck while he was planning a ride for our church

10. Been depressed - I am the shining definition of depression

11. Gotten drunk and threw up - I don’t touch alcohol because the yeast smell is disgusting

Fave colors:

12. Pastels

13. Not pink I have red hair so I grew up dressed in pink because “it made my hair look nice”

14. Honestly it depends on the day. Some days I have a favorite color, other days I have a different one.

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends - do my coworkers count? I mean I’m around them 40 hours a week. That’s more than my family

16. Fallen out of love - I’ve been with my bf for over a year so I’ve actually done the complete opposite

17. Laughed until you cried - Totes

18. Found out someone was talking about you - Honestly I don’t remember

19. Met someone who changed you - I had an old coworker who made me realize just how gross some guys can be. He got excited when my bf left for China and asked me everyday if he could be my “temporary bf”??????????????

20. Found out who your friends are - Well I’ve only ever had two true friends so I guess I found out who my friends are years ago

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list - My grandma and my boo?

General

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl - Honestly a lot of them knew me through school, but I didn’t actually know them personally. I’ve gone through and deleted people eveyr now and again because I don’t know them and I don’t want them clogging up my feed

23. Do you have any pets - I HAVE SO MANY. Three cats: two grumpy old men and one excited young kitty. AND 3 BEAUTIFUL PUPPIES WHO ALL THREE COME RUNNING WHEN YOU SHOUT FOR THE BABIES TO COME HERE

24. Do you want to change your name - I used to. No one spells it right, or says it right the first time. When the teacher would do roll call on the first day of school I would know they were talking about me when they paused and stared at the list. It’s spelled Shaina. I’ve had Shayna, Shania, Shanna, and one girl at a starbucks spelled it Shanea. I guess it just makes me unique so I’ll stick with it.

25. What did you do for your last birthday - My bf and I took a small vacation up to Chicago and visited museums, aquariums, AND ATE HOTDOGS AND DEEP DISH PIZZA

26. What time did you wake up today - 12:30ish

27. What were you doing @ midnight last night - playing Detroit because Connor is a gorgeous puppy who needs protection

28. What is something you can’t wait for - I can’t wait to move out of my mom’s house in a month or so

30. What are you listening to right now - Generally, I’m addicted to (G)IDLE’s new comback. Literally and currently, my spotify is playing Cypher Pt 4

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - Honestly I have a terrible memory so I don’t know

32. Something that gets on my nerves - Everything. But really, people who act like they’re better than you just beause they have more experience in something or have been somewhere for a long time. I have a coworker who thinks he’s right about everything because “He’s been working there a long time”

33. Most visited website - Gmail and CreditKarma. School just started so I’m obssesive over my email and I’ve always been obssesive over my credit score

34. Hair color - Dark red. Not most ginger’s red. As I’ve gotten older, it’s darkened towards a brownish red

35. Hair long or short - very long. It’s halfway down my back when I put it in a high ponytail and need at least 2 holders to keep it up in a bun

36. Do you have a crush on someone - nope

37. What do you like about yourself - I love my hair and my brain. My hair and eye color is a unique combination (brown eyes w/ red hair). I’ve always been extremely creative since I was little and that’s such a big part of who I am

38. Want any piercings - Ever since I was emo, I’ve wanted my lip pierced

39. Blood type - I have no clue

40. Nicknames - Depends on who you ask. My grandpa calls me little red, my friend calls me Shay, an old friend from high school caled me Shane Dog

41. Relationship status - Surprisingly taken

42. Zodiac - Pisces

43. Pronounce - She/her

44. Fave TV shows - Anything I watch is a fave tv show

45. Tattoos -None but I desperately want some

46. Right or left handed - Right. But when I was younger my cat bit my right hand so I couldn’t move it. So I can eat comfortably with any hand, but I only write with my right hand

47. Ever had surgery - Nope

48. piercings - The traditional one piercing in both ears

49. Sports - Dancing and I still love softball even though I stopped playing in th grade

50. Vacations - I high key want to visit Madrid and Mexico City. 

51. Trainers - ???

More general

52. Eating - Last thing I ate was the best ramen ever for dinner

53. Drinking - Lipton green tea I love green tea

54. I’m about to watch - Well I’m currently in the middle of Bromance and Strong Girl Bong Soon

55. Waiting - to go to bed

56. Want - to transfer to my dream college that on the other side of the country...

57. Get married - I feel too young to be married atm. Plus my bf and I have only been together for a year. But if I do my uncle can legally marry me so that’s sweet

58. Career - Currently working as a cook at Applebee’s. But my dream career is to be a business owner of my own bakery. or a singer, I want to sing so badly but that’s unrealistic :/

59. Hugs or kisses - Hugs all day

60. Lips or eyes - I am just mesmorized by single lid eyes idk why

61. Shorter or taller - a bit taller. like a few inches

62. Older or younger - Older

63. Nice stomach or stomach - I’ve had both and I didn’t love myself either way. I’m more worried about feeling comfortable in my body so I don’t care about which one I guess?

64. Hookup or relationship - relationship. Hookups will still text you every month asking if you’re single yet so you can hook up again. They’re too stressful tbh

65. Troublemaker or hesitant - Little of both

Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger - Unfortunately yes

67. Drank hard liquor - I’ve had sips of my mother’s wine that is it

68. Lost glasses - I’VE LOST LIKE 3 PAIRS OF GLASSES SOMEHOW???

69. Turned someone down - Yes

70. Sex on first date - Another unfornately yes

71. Broken someone’s heart - Not that I know of

72. Had your heart broken - The first boy I loved broke my heart when I was 15

73. Been arrested - I cry when I get pulled over for not wearing a steatbelt. I’ve never been arrested

74. Cried when someone died - my step dad dying came as a shock. I did the whole stare into space, sit down and continue staring, then sob. It was like a tv show

75. Fallen for a friend -  nah

Do you believe in

76. Yourself - Kinda

77. Miracles - Hell ye

78. Love at first sight - I used to, but then I learned that that is not love.

79. Santa Claus - I did until I was almost in high school

80. Kiss on first date - My first date iwht my bf, he hugged me goodbye and gave me a little kiss on the should r that was really cute. So if it’s those kinds of kisses yes

81. Angels - Totes

Other

82. Best friend’s name - Katlyn and Alex 

83. Eye color - Dark DARK brown

84. Fave movie - The Harry Potter series. ALl day every day

85. Favorite actor - I really like Benedict Cumberbatch for some reason?

Wow that took me forever. There’s more about me tho!!! I better go to bed because it’s almost 1 and I have a class tomorrow at 9 kill me

~Admin Red

#admin red #pray for me #i can't drink caffiene because it gives me panic attacks so tomorrow is gonna be fun #large amounts of caffiene anyway #gonna be walking into class trying to stay awake by drinking a nice iced tea #then I have to stay there for 3 hours #and stay at the school even longer because i need to do stuff for my online classes

[perfectlyfine-notfineatall]

confessional post

Taylor said she is a confessional songwriter and she thanks us for reading her diary for this long. I have grown up with Taylor and she has gotten me through more dark periods than I realized. If Taylor can release her life story, so can I. I hope it reaches her. My life goal is to thank her in person someday.

When I was 10, I had a cousin named Allen. Allen was 5 years older than me. We grew up together. We colored, watched movies, built blanket forts, shared snacks.-a normal cousin bond. Until one holiday, it all changed. At our aunt’s house, Allen told me to meet him by the laundry room. He asked if I wanted to play a game. At this aunt’s house, us and the other cousins always ran around with Nerf guns just being silly and annoying the adults. So, I figured he wanted to map out a way to scare everyone or something. By the time I entered the laundry room, he told me to duck down from sight of anyone. He said he watched a game on Nickelodeon and wanted to show me it. He gently pushed me over to the floor, and he put his entire body weight over me, rubbing up and down across parts of me I knew were not okay to be rubbed on. I knew it was something sexual; I was somewhat unsure, but I knew. This happened a few other times in upcoming holidays, until I completely decided to not go near him. Unfortunately, for even longer, he had been doing the same thing with my twin sister, too. She did not know what was going on. It turned into a police report once everyone discovered her story. Mine went undiscovered, and I watched my parents suffer too much pain to even fathom telling them it happened to me too. They do not know I was his victim too, to this day.

When I was 12, Taylor’s first album came out. All of her songs about feeling alone and lost, were me. I was connected instantly. I fell in love and finally felt so understood. By 2008, when Fearless arrived, I was a total fan. I quit playing violin, taught myself guitar, and learned T’s album, as a form of therapy. Fearless was out and I was about to experience life.

When I was 14, I met a boy. His name was Justin. He was obvious trouble. We met at a pool party before high school began. I was awkward, overly-skinny and scrawny, and attracted no one, but him. I felt happy—some boy finally liked me—finally! It wasn’t long until we began dating and I learned he was addicted to drugs. The longer I stayed, the worse it got. I gave him hundreds of dollars so he can buy drugs, so he would stay with me. When he got mad, he would tackle me to the ground, throw me against walls, push me around, etc. He many times locked me outside so he could use, then let me back in and claimed to love me. We did this for 2 years, on and off, on and off. Until one day, I told him “I deserve better” and he decided to beat me in school. Sitting on a staircase my freshmen year at 16, he came up running with a pack of friends calling me things like “faggot” “bitch” “c*nt” (the usual) and profusely kicked me while he had me cornered against the walls. It took all my adrenaline to push away and run to the nearest bathroom to call my mom. We were minors, so all that came from it was he was suspended and sent to a mental institute during his suspension. This was the end of us, but a long remainder of high school being bullied by all his friends. We had secret teachers and admin constantly watching to make sure we would no longer interact. High school was a crime scene, a war-zone, a place I desperately needed to escape from forever. I did nothing in high school but go to classes and go home. Speak Now was out, and all of the songs applied to transitioning my life around. Songs provided closure that no one else could grant me. I was given an electric guitar the same morning I bought Speak Now, and I spent that week learning every single song.

When I was just 17, (J ended at 16) I got a job and focused on making money so one day I could move so far from here. I went to class, to work, to sleep, and did it every week of every school year following. Eventually, I began actively seeking out people to play music with, and met a boy named Nathan. He played the drums and he was so cool; he was a senior and I was about to be a junior. We were total opposites but embraced music together and began dating that December. For the first few months, he continued to pressure me into a sexual relationship that I did not want with him yet, and I remember one day in my basement he kind of just went for it. I did not know how to say no, so I just let it happen. I figured he would leave if I said otherwise. Ever since, the relationship was full of up’s and down’s, and he ended it a year later, once he found another girl. During this, Red was out. EVERY.SINGLE.SONG. applied to this chapter in life. It DESCRIBED our relationship and my development as a young adult. 

When I was 18, I graduated high school early to get foot surgery. We found a birth defect in my bones and walking was becoming difficult. Tey needed to cut some bones and do fusions; this required 2 months of NO walking, and 2 additional months on crutches/scooters. I was lonely but I managed. When I was going on 19 (end of senior year), my best friend decided to advance towards me. He was my dream man. Handsome, intelligent, bright, well-rounded…I won’t say his name ever again. But, we ended up going to prom together and fell in love. We went to 1989 tour in Chicago together. I loved him. He broke me. We will call him C. We dated for 3 consecutive years. We planned out our house, our kids’ names, our careers, everything. We just needed the ring. Well, C had a troubled home life, and it engulfed him. After 1 year together, he became this depressed, narcissistic asshole. We fought about everything. He screamed at me. Got in my face. Made me cry. Insulted me. Belittled me. And then, we would try again. We were so toxic to each other but had too much pasison to walk away. It was breaking both of us. At this point, I was diagnosed with a chronic disease called Lichen Sclerosis. Basically, all my skin began attacking itself, cutting open, and scarring over in thin-skinned areas. He made me out to be faking it for attention. The more stress he made, the worse the condition got. I could no longer have a sex life ebcause my skin was too damaged. We did this whole process for another year. Our third year, we went on a cruise. However, he withheld $1,300.00 from me, leaving me totally bankrupt with college bills to pay. So, I started working a full time night job cleaning with a bunch of empowering women, and I loved it. He hated it. He found another girl, began using drugs, hanging out with bad influences, and ultimately had another life without me, while I was trying to make a life for us. 1989 was full of truth and hope. It made everything make sense. Our fights grew so severe that I started seeing him less. I watched him beat on his mother. I watched him make his father cry. I watched him torment his little brother. I watched him fall apart. I tried to save him and us, until I realized there was no me left to save anymore. I was constantly debating my life. I told him endlessly I wanted to separate, and he never complied. One day, I sent him a message and blocked him. I began talking to the man I am dating now, Kyle, as he basically made me feel like myself again. He understood my past and wanted to see my life get better. He helped me in any way possible.

C did not like it. C hacked into all of my accounts. He put trackers on my accounts to watch my every move. He sat in my neighborhood at night to monitor when I left and came back. He hacked into my email accounts. He posted every and any insulting thing about me online, everywhere. All our mutual friends turned on me. He tried driving Kyle off the road. My reputation was never worse. I discovered he made a dating account in my name, with all my personal information, down to the most identifiable details. In IL, this is a class 4 felony. This had all been going on for 5 months. I knew I needed to save myself. I went to a domestic violence shelter so we could restrain him from all access to my life. In court, with 6 testifying witnesses, we won. 5.19.17 saved my life.

Then, reputation came out. I instantly learned every song on guitar again. I became someone again. I found someone that likes me for me. I found myself. We attended the reputation tour together. We love each other. He is everything I ever needed. I survived and I love myself.

I am 23 now. I survived so many things. I am indebted to Taylor infinitely because each album was all I ever had to develop and grow with. I think we all grew up with her in our own special ways. I just wanted to share mine. I am strong enough to tell my story. @taylorswift @taylornation

#taylurking #reputaylurking #reputationstadiumtour #i grew up with taylor #taylorswift #taylornation

[drivenbyimperfections]

Reflections through a broken window..

The last couple months, maybe even a year, I feel as though I have been forced to reflect on my life, my experiences, and the lessons I have learned along the way. I can honestly say that I have come into my own and really discovered who I am. That in itself is a remarkable feeling to have. However, it wasn't something that was easy to come by. It came with a lot of pain, suffering, and hard times to really be brought into the light that surrounds me today. It took some lost friendships, some failed relationships, and common misconceptions of being an adult that have molded me into this person that I am starting to recognize. 

I think we all have this vision of our lives from an early age about where we want to go, how our lives will turn out, who will be along for the journey and all the good times to come. Unfortunately, that vision is often misconstrued. If you asked me ten years ago I probably would have told you that I would still be cheering, for the NFL or sports team of some sort, I would have told you that I would be flourishing in my career as a doctor, and be married or at least engaged with a beautiful soul who had no fears and all the love for me in the world. I laugh now thinking back because I was more than wrong. I didn't even know the half. I stopped cheering competitively two years later when the organization I had been with for years fell through. I won't even get into that scandal. As far as school, I graduated high school...barely. I am not dumb or unintelligent, I just didn't like the structure of it. You have to sit in classrooms for hours on end and learn information that you will retain long enough to take a test just to forget about a couple months later (if even that). I was a B and C student, I just..lost myself a bit my senior year. I got into smoking weed and cigarettes and skipping school was a regular thing. Nothing wrong with the weed, the cigarettes are still a habit I struggle to break..but I just lost my care. I wanted to do more but didn't know what. I was driven and ready for college, I wanted a fresh start so that when I got enough credits I could transfer to a university and proudly wear my schools logo and experience normal college activities with new friends. But during this period of my life, I lost myself even more. 

Here is when the relationships piece comes into play. I was dating a very toxic guy, not for too long but lets just say I should’ve learned the first time to not give him a second chance. People rarely change. A good bit into the relationship, I was torn apart to find out he had been cheating and I was in a mess of a situation that I had to deal with alone. I had friends who turned their backs on me because i spent more time with him than them..those same friends didn't like him and told me all the time but, I am a little stubborn and just like to do what I want regardless of what anyone else says and I learned my lesson the ultimate hard way. I fell into a state of emergency, I did nothing, spoke to no one, and netflix became my best friend. Not to long into this, an old friend came into the picture and really pulled me out of that dark place. After a year and some change, I ended up hurting him due to my own heartbreak and trying to cope with how to deal and allow love into my life after loss and betrayal. Anyone who has experienced loss, knows that all too well. I really wanted to love him, I really did but I just didn't. Not in the way he wanted. I still feel bad. My only friend, I turned my back on. Its been years but, whatever. It is what it is. What I took away from that situation, was how I wanted to be loved. I began dating a man not too long after who gave me hope, brought back my vision, allowed me to see the world in a different light. He made me laugh and brought sunshine to cloudy days, everyday with him was an adventure....until it wasn't. After years of being with someone, falling in love with them, going through hard times and the best of times together, how do you walk away? I was 50 lbs heavier, I was on and off in school, I worked my ass off, but again, I found myself lost. Feeling so unloved, so unappreciated, so...unheard. I knew I no longer fit his image, of who he was, what he wanted, and of who he saw in his future. I just could not walk away. I gave my all and poured my soul into that relationship. He was my best friend. I knew the time was coming when he stopped seeing me, stopped listening to me, when i brought up concerns they turned into an argument with me on the defense rather than teamwork to overcome an issue. There was no resolutions, just lots of lonely nights of silence. When it was over, it was devastatingly refreshing. Don't get me wrong, it was hard..very hard, but at the same time, I felt like it was my time and my turn to become who I knew I was. You see, this man showed me my value, my worth, my strength, and my weaknesses. I know what i offer this world. I know how to fight back against the hardships. I know how to be friend, a lover, and an open ear for those who felt lost. But above all else, I learned what love truly is. It is not a fairytale, it is not romantic all the time, it is just life. Two worlds joining together as one, but not taking away the world you made for yourself, just allowing another person to experience it with you. It was not a bad relationship. I will always care deeply for this man..but I knew he was not meant to be in my life forever. He was brought to me to show me who i am and show me that it is okay to love again. Its been almost a year and a half since him, I have a new situation. Its complicated in so many ways, but I feel more valued than ever. My voice matters, conversation is on a new wave link that I have never been on before, and I see depth when I look into his eyes. He exudes patience with a kind and gentle soul with a bit of an edge to keep me on the edge of my seat. I don't know what the future holds, it is going to be a long road ahead of us with lots of ups and downs, but my God,I see this becoming beautiful. I still struggle with the idea that I am unlovable. Its probably the hardest of all my insecurities. I struggle with body image on a regular basis. I don't know if that one will ever go away. I still have trust issues in regards to cheating and allowing myself to really open up about who I really am and just being me. It has brought me to dead ends my whole life. I know that it will matter some day and I will make someone very happy but for now, I worry about who will really see me, for me and not for who they want me to be. My point to this long explanation is that my idea of love, marriage, and a family was so off; so off to the point where I wonder who I even was then. If you would have told me then what I know now, I would have never in a million years believed it. But I am glad I learned, I am glad I overcame, and I am glad to be me. 

All of these things have made me who I am. And here is what i have learned:

1.) I am an adult who is still struggling to learn what that even means. 

2.) I have loved and I have lost and I am so ready to go through it all over again with the right person. Love = Risk, on all accounts and through any type of relationship there is.

3.) Family is everything. Family doesn't just have to be blood either, some of those friends become closer than those who share your last name. 

4.) Life is rough. It doesn't get easier, just learn to adapt and trust the process.

5.) Closure is not always available. Sometimes you just have to pick up all your shit that is scattered on the floor, and move the fuck on. Not knowing sometimes works better than waiting for an answer that will probably never come. Forgive and forget. Not always for them, but ALWAYS for you.

6.) Stay private. A house that has no windows or walls is actually not a house at all..just a public area. No one needs to know anything that does not pertain to them. If you want to share, be prepared that everyone has just “one” person they are dying to tell. Even if its innocent, it can shut doors of opportunity and cause so much damage. 

7.) Eliminate all toxic from your life. Friends, family, lovers, jobs, etc. Anything that causes more harm than good needs to be left alone. 

8.) Its okay to not have all the answers. Life will constantly throw wrenches in your life and you just have to be prepared to take loss for what it is but not allow it to define you or shake you to no return. 

9.) Trust your intuition. Its never wrong, I promise that. 

10.) Let God (or whatever higher power you believe in) guide you. Trust him. Whatever happens in life, no matter what, trust that he is doing this for the better and so much good is coming. He would never put you through things that you are not built for. 

All in all, be true to yourself and allow nothing but love and light into your life. We have a short ride here in this life so make the best of it. Don't take anything too seriously, just have fun. Make good decisions and love the people who support you, care for you, and always look out for you. And as always, follow your own path, take risks, and don't be afraid of change. Its always for the better. 

For those that read this, you a real one..

xoxo, E

[specialagentfluffstein]

All the asks!

Okie Doke. Except 84. I answered that yesterday. 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My ex. 2. Are you outgoing or shy? Outgoing as hell. I’ll talk to anyone.  3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My new potential beau.  4. Are you easy to get along with? I think so.  5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I think so.  6. What kind of people are you attracted to? People with presence. A nice face doesn’t hurt either.  7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Maybe. We’ll have to see how things go tomorrow.  8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? The same dude who always is.  9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Nope. The last officer I rode with tried to test this and failed.  10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My sister, probably.  11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “okay don’t get into anything too life threatening”  12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? 1. “I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do” - Abba; 2. “My My My!” - Troye Sivan; 3. “Mystery of Love” - Sufjan Stevens; 4. “Edge of Town” - Middle Kids; 5. “Paris Latino” - Bandolero.  13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Unless you are a hair stylist, not really.  14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Luck yes, miracles maybe.  15. What good thing happened this summer? This past summer? I got to play with the SWAT team! I went to the Lake with my bestie! The solar eclipse was a thing! 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Negative. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Affirm. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Nope. I wonder what happened to that kid. I wonder if he still wears Hawaiian shirts every day.  19. Do you like bubble baths? Yes. 20. Do you like your neighbors? Most of them.  21. What are you bad habits? I tend to smack my gum.  22. Where would you like to travel? I’d like to visit every Disney park. I’d also like to visit Norway.  23. Do you have trust issues? Affirm. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Makeup! or Coffee.  25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My tummy.  26. What do you do when you wake up? check the time.  27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Negative. I’m good being pale. 28. Who are you most comfortable around? My bestie. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Not to my face. 30. Do you ever want to get married? Maybe? IDK. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? It is! 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Tom Hardy and Armie Hammer. 33. Spell your name with your chin. flu8ff6y 34. Do you play sports? What sports? Negative. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? I’ll just die. Thanks anyways. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Affirm. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? Random “fun facts” 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? 6′3″, dark hair, blue eyes, spent some time in the military, not a cop.  39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? I love Macy’s and T.J. Maxx.  40. What do you want to do after high school? Already did it. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Negative. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? That I’m pissed.  43. Do you smile at strangers? All the time. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Outer Space. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? The need for coffee.  46. What are you paranoid about? Owing people.  47. Have you ever been high? Negative. 48. Have you ever been drunk? Affirm. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Affirm. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Black. 51. Ever wished you were someone else? Affirm. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? My metabolism.  53. Favourite makeup brand? Too Faced 54. Favourite store? Safeway. 55. Favourite blog? Can I say my own, or is that too self-centered? I’m digging @symphony-in-silver they post Chris Isaak gifs and I am here for it.  56. Favourite colour? Tiffany blue. 57. Favourite food? Sushi or pizza.  58. Last thing you ate? A smoothie I made for lunch.  59. First thing you ate this morning? I had a cup of coffee… 60. Ever won a competition? For what? Yes! I won four Golds and Bronze medal for SkillsUSA in high school for  Broadcast News Production (gold), Prepared Speech (gold, two years in a row), Crime Scene Investigation (bronze), and CPR/First Aid (gold). I was the first female in Nevada to win two gold medals in the same year. I also won a short fiction award senior year of college.  61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? Negative.  62. Been arrested? For what? Negative.  63. Ever been in love?  Affirm. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? I got cornered like a wounded animal and it was awful.  65. Are you hungry right now? Negative.  66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Negative. I like you all about the same.  67. Facebook or Twitter? Twitter. 68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr.  69. Are you watching tv right now? Negative. 70. Names of your bestfriends? I call my bestie “favored person” quite a bit.  71. Craving something? What? Yes. Chinese food. 72. What colour are your towels? Yellow and Blue.  72. How many pillows do you sleep with? Five. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Sometimes.  74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Not as many as I did when I was six. 75. Favourite animal? Dogs. 76. What colour is your underwear? Black. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? If it’s ice cream, vanilla. If it’s cake, chocolate. 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Chubby Hubby. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Plum. 80. What colour pants? Light rinse denim color. 81. Favourite tv show? Adam -12 82. Favourite movie? L.A. Confidential (fuck you, Kevin Spacey) 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Same as last night.  85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Karen.  86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Pearl. 87. First person you talked to today? My mom. 88. Last person you talked to today? My ex. 89. Name a person you hate? My advisor. 90. Name a person you love? Officer Male Model (A nickname given to him by a toothless motel clerk).  91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Affirm. 92. In a fight with someone? Negative.  93. How many sweatpants do you have? Like two, maybe? IDK. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? Oh my god soooo many.  95. Last movie you watched? Boondock Saints (It was St. Patrick’s). 96. Favourite actress? Gal Gadot. 97. Favourite actor? Colin Farrell 98. Do you tan a lot? I don’t tan so much as fry.  99. Have any pets? No. :( 100. How are you feeling? Pretty okay.  101. Do you type fast? If I’m not thinking about it. 102. Do you regret anything from your past? Affirm. 103. Can you spell well? Affirm. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Affirm.  105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Negative. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Affirm. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? Unfortunately.  108. What should you be doing? Putting my laundry in the dryer. 109. Is something irritating you right now? My eczema flared up again, so yeah, that’s irritating.  110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Affirm.  111. Do you have trust issues? Didn’t I already answer this? 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom, probably. 113. What was your childhood nickname? Fona.  114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Affirm. 115. Do you play the Wii? Negative.  116. Are you listening to music right now? Affirm - The The’s “Beyond Love” 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? I’m largely indifferent. 118. Do you like Chinese food? I don’t like chinese food. I love chinese food.  119. Favourite book? John Steinbeck’s East of Eden or S.E. Hinton’s The Outsiders.  120. Are you afraid of the dark? Negative. 121. Are you mean? Yeah, kind of.  122. Is cheating ever okay? On people or in cards? People no, cards maybe.  123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Negative.  124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Affirm. I saw at least three dogs today and I fell in love with every single one.  125. Do you believe in true love? Maybe? It seems like a ploy to sell engagement rings to me. 126. Are you currently bored? I’m almost always bored.  127. What makes you happy? Television, records, things that go ~squish squish~ or at least look like they embody the ideals of things that go ~squish squish~ 128. Would you change your name? Affirm. I’m working on getting my last name changed to distance myself from a deadbeat male parent. 129. What your zodiac sign? Virgo! 130. Do you like subway? No. Port of Subs or Jimmy Johns. No subway.  131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Say “too late asshole. That ship sailed, sank, and is now home to a colony of octopi” 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? I definitely already answered this one.  133. Favourite lyrics right now? “Give your love freely to whoever that you please, don’t let nobody tell you ‘bout who you oughta be.” - Josh Ritter “Getting Ready to Get Down.  134. Can you count to one million? Probably not.  135. Dumbest lie you ever told? “my mom won’t let me give my number out” I was seventeen.  136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed. 137. How tall are you? 5′4″ in my 5.11 boots. 138. Curly or Straight hair? Curly. 139. Brunette or Blonde? Can I go with option C - red.  140. Summer or Winter? Summer! 141. Night or Day? Day! Unless it’s a ride along and then Night. Nothing fun happens on day shift.  142. Favourite month? May.  143. Are you a vegetarian? Negative. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk. 145. Tea or Coffee? Coffee. 146. Was today a good day? So far it’s been whatever. 147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers. 148. What’s your favourite quote? “When you’re curious, you find lots of interesting things to do.” - Walt Disney 149. Do you believe in ghosts? Affirm. My grandma’s house is absolutely haunted.  150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Out of Elivagar sprayed poison-drops” (The book is the Oxford World Classic translation of the Poetic Edda.)

Thanks for asking!

#fluffy answers