#holding his hand so he can keep up

[introspectivememories]

"evan, i find you adorable". adorable as in able to be adored. as in capable of being adored. as in i find you worthy of adoration. adorable, from the latin adorare (to worship) to adorabilis (in the sense 'worthy of divine worship') to the current day adorable. as in maybe if we had made it to the movies or if eddie didn't show up, i could've showed you just how much i want to worship you. as in i look at you and there is a font of adoration in my heart for you. adorable as in i flew into a hurricane with you and yet this date is a thousand times more thrilling than that. adorable as in there is a person in your building who saw me jump up and down like a little kid in the lobby after i had kissed you for the first time. adorable as in i kissed you and immediately thought fuck i could do this forever if he lets me. adorable as in i want to press kisses to your birthmark. adorable as in i spent the entirety of the days leading up to our date wondering about you, if you liked your coffee with two sugars or one. if you liked storms or if the lightning strike had put you off on them all together. if you liked cats or dogs or if you were the kind of weirdo who liked goats instead. if you thought about the kiss as often as i did. if your stomach tangled into twisted knots as saturday drew closer. if you would be agreeable to sitting in my lap. if you would blush as prettily as you did the day i kissed you. if your world also realigned when our lips met. if our orbits had matched up now that we flew into a hurricane together. if the gravitational pull between us had finally been too strong for either of us to resist that night in your loft. or maybe, more simply, adorable as in, "evan, i find you adorable."

#SOMEBODY SEDATE ME #what is this #i heard that line and was like how can i wax poetry about this #tommy kinard the man that you are #like it was just an interesting line to me. it literally keeps me up at night #and then tommy immediately following it up with 'i just dont think you're ready yet' #because it's true!!! idt buck was ready for the restaurant and maybe if buck had told tommy this was his first 'dude date' #they could've picked a more secluded spot and maybe then the movies could've still happened and they could've sat in the back #as some stupid movie plays onscreen but buck would ever so carefully tangle his hands with tommy's bigger ones and tommy would #squeeze them once and buck would be so nervous he wouldn't be able to look at tommy and would stare resolutely ahead at the movie he #doesn't care about but the whole time he'd be thinking about the way tommy holds him so gently but eddie did happen and buck is freaking ou #so tommy steps back and tells evan 'i dont think youre ready' w/ the implication being call me when you are and he puts the ball back in #evan's court. and maybe tommy thinks that's the end of it. it takes people years to be ready. hell it took him years to be ready except #beautiful brave evan calls him less than a week later and says 'maybe i'm not ready but if there's anyone i'd like to find out w/ it'd be y #i need to be sedated #911 abc #evan buckley #tommy kinard #bucktommy #buck x tommy #911 spoilers #911 season 7

[ryllen]

as much as ridiculous he is, I appreciate Pen who found me passed out after 3 AM in the middle of desert & brought me home

a l s o, smart kid fhsdhdhsh

#fsdhdh i literally forgot the kid was there in the first place he really knows how to not get tangled up in adults fight #my time at sandrock #mtas #mtas pen #mtas logan #mtas builder #mtas andy #mtas unsuur #mtas justice #i broke up with unsuur just so i can read his friend status dialogues #HE IS TOO BORING WITH ONLY HIS ROMANCE LINES like HE HARDLY TALKS ABOUT HIMSELF ANYMORE #he is already very flat THE ROMANCE LINES ONLY MAKE HIM INCREDIBLY FLATTER THAN FLAT #even Pen ENDED UP MORE INTERESTING to listen to THAN UNSUUR FHSDH #i keep thinking the way unsuur runs or holds our hand and walks LOOKS LIKE TOYSTORY WOODY FSHDHSH #h e l p that man #Logan really lock on target on us SCARY fshdshd #he can't be fooled he knows the game will be over if he ends us first fhsdshd

[willowser]

katsuki jumps, startlingly, when you rub a hand up his back.

he's leaned too far down, bent over the counter at an angle that will give him an ache he'll complain about later, and his head whips up as you come to stand beside him. an e-mail on his phone is what previously had his full attention, but now he looks at you, eyes softening as you lean into his shoulder.

he's never been a very touchy guy. even after a year into your relationship, it's most often you reaching for his hand as you walk down the street; you pressing a kiss into his cheek while watching a movie on the couch; you running a hand through his hair as his breath steadies out beside you in bed.

it's not something you really complain about. you know how he is, knew before anything developed between the two of you, and you can't say it's a deal-breaker. there's little you know about his previous relationships or if he even had any, but you have the painful-gut feeling that affection just isn't something he's used to.

you press a smile into the sleeve of his shirt and his spine relaxes under your hand, finds that awful curve again. he watches you like he's waiting for something, tracing the tender details of your face.

"love you," you say, because do and you want to voice it aloud, put it into his mind even though you know he knows. as expected, his lips flatten into a wavering little line, shy suddenly, and your teeth wet the fabric of his shirt when you smile.

all you get is a little grunt in response and he dips his chin down in a wordless nod, accepting your lovey-dovey assault. it makes him feel a little helpless, you know, but you bring up an arm to wrap around him as he turns back to his phone, ears pink.

katsuki straightens with a dull pop!, stretching his arms up and allowing you to shuffle closer, so that your head is resting on his chest. you press your ear to it and wait, eyes closed, until the heavy promise of his heartbeat echoes like a drum in your ear. it's loud, and after a moment, your own falls into sync, right where it belongs.

"'s'wrong?"

"hm?" you glance up at him, the frown on his pink face, before breathing in the clean scent of his laundry soap. your laundry soap. and then you shake your head. "nothin'. just missed you."

"been home all day."

"i know," you sigh, letting your eyes fall shut again. the sound of his phone locking clicks and you can feel the slight down-slide of his sweatpants when he pockets it. "sometimes i miss you even though you're right here."

you expect — something; another grunt or laugh through his nose, a raspy little noise that voices his confusion. things like this can be hard for him; you know how he is, knew before anything ever developed between the two of you — but you don't think it makes him any less deserving.

katsuki steps back from you a little, and you feel the hesitant rise of his arm before you feel it. his hand comes up to your face — pink and scarred in your peripheral vision — and he tilts your head up, waits until you open your eyes.

when you do, it looks as if a million things are running through his head. his poker-face is good, it has to be, but you can see little bits of his vulnerability shining through. you wonder how long it's been since he showed it to anybody. he almost looks sad.

katsuki squeezes your cheeks until your lips pucker, and his frown deepens when you laugh. "y're so...damn weird."

that's along the lines of what you were anticipating: one of his teasing little insults, warm with a fire he's still learning how to kindle. you don't get the chance to say anything before he's kissing you, eyes shut tight, lashes brushing against your own.

you expect something soft, because affection is a fickle thing, from him — but his hand never falls from your face and his tongue is sliding with yours suddenly, a heated gesture that throws your heart out of whack. you let him kiss you as deeply as he can, until your back arches painfully backward over the counter as he leans into you.

when he pulls away, his lips are a little swollen and his cheeks are burning, as he presses one into yours. "i—jus'—" katsuki tries and then abandons it, a hand curling into the material of your shirt. "i get it." he murmurs, there, into the heated skin of your face, heart beating in time with yours.

things like this are hard with him — but he makes them so, so worth it.

#i like to think he's a lil too rough #wants to hold your face in his hands and ends up squishing you #kisses you with the potential to bruise #bc he's so unpracticed !! #cute !! what a nerd !! #and i think he can be a lil reserved with affection :( and so he knows :( what it means to miss you even though you're right there :( #all the things he wishes he could say and can't :( #hi. #i am actually feeling a bit helpless in the big writing world LOL #i'm happy with what i'm writing ! and will keep writing it ! #but in the back of my mind #i just keep thinking that i want to write something really really good for bakugou #something that matters :( #idk ! i'm just feeling a bit dramatic and off today !! #so have this soft gooey piece as an offering #✿ willow writes #✿ thoughts: bakugou #✿ theme: domestic bakugou

[ratwithhands]

Fun fact I used to consume a lot of Land of the Lustrous stuff.

Anyways this is one of my many Land of the Lustrous OCs, Vivianite. Mohs hardness of 1.5, dark green/blue in colour, and very old. Due to the nature of his weak composition, Vivianite can't actually do much of anything, and has had to live under very specific conditions.

Vivianite wears a tight full body uniform to hold any chipped pieces in place, and is kept in a box stuffed with loose cloth to ensure minimal damage. If he comes into contact with light, he begins to oxidize and darken, so he's kept in a windowless room with curtains over the entrance.

That's all to say he's isolated and bored. He spends much of his time inactive, but he'll jump at the opportunity for conversation if there's someone around. Certain gems visit him to chat, get guidance, or give him the recent news. A task given to some gems is to clear his room of dust, and maybe bring him some books if he's up for it.

Vivian sees himself as an older sibling/friend to many of the other gems, and as such he's very keen on providing a listening ear and giving advice where possible to those who need it. He's essentially emotional support in a can.

Other notes/details:

not all gems know Vivian exists! He's hidden away so most gems wouldn't see him unless they were actively looking for him. A lot of the older ones know about him, but the younger ones don't

Rutile is endlessly tired of having to glue him back together so often due to his softness, which is part of why he has a tighter uniform to keep all his broken pieces in place

Vivian struggles with walking, he tends to be slow and stumbly

the tanks in Vivian's room are for jellyfish. Gems who are sent to clean his room have to switch out the jellyfish too. They're there to provide a faint light source so he doesn't go completely inactive

Vivian, despite living in a box in the dark, has a lot of technical knowledge about things as a result of millennia of going through the library collection. He' a living encyclopedia and can usually offer some answers if a gem has questions on a particular subject

his internal structure is basically a lot of shards stuck together like fibers, so he does minor repairs on himself by affixing strands of his hair into empty spots. He's had his fingers repaired and replaced this way often

In the few instances where Vivian has gone outside, he has an abnormally high amount of energy as a result of his inclusions being able to work at full capacity in the light

If I remember anything else I'll add it, anyways have a good day!

#houseki no kuni #hnk #land of the lustrous #hnk fanart #hnk oc #hnk bort #not mentioned in the main post but shit man Vivianite wants to perish 😭 #he's always felt like a burden as a result of his weak body‚ if it weren't for the fact he can't walk outside #he would've thrown himself into the sea to never rise again #he'd always asked Sensei if there was a way he could get stronger‚ and that's partly why he read so much in hopes to find a cure #when he heard about Phos' body getting replaced‚ he was both distraught and excited‚ because he felt so bad for Phos #but this was a way for him to become greater‚ if only he could just figure out how to guarantee it'd work (because otherwise he'd be #a burden again as they are forced to repair him and look after him through recovery) #that's also why he likes to talk with people; he can serve and assist others that way‚ he's trying to compensate for his lacking strength #tl;dr Vivianite is horrifically weak and makes up for it with his heart and mind in order to feel less bad about not being able to do more #also (unrelated) he tends to be touchy and holds people's hands/faces/hair a lot. He does this knowing the risk and he couldn't care less #also also‚ he has weird inclusions. What makes them odd is the fact that he can move them around and concentrate them in different areas #he's stiff cause he keep most of his inclusions packed in his torso‚ not his limbs. This also ensures he doesn't lose anything #by touching something and having his fingers (inevitably) flake apart #There's more but I'll save that for later. Good day ^^

[ritzy-handz]

...🕯 🕯 🕯 × 🕯 🕯 🕯 × 🕯 🕯 🕯...

izzy hands !

#HIS EYESSSSSSS #HES SO [REDACTED] GAHHH #ysll better click on that middle gif for the quality #its gorgeous #(also sorry abt the shitty quality on some of the gifs? im having issues with my editing app) #(so i can only export in 240p) #(sooo frustrating but yk) #(also why most of my stimboards have been so messy so far) #(im trying to keep the edits to a minimun so the quality stays up ebjdkek) #anyways im done rambling #hold me close and hold me fast {boards} #ofmd #ofmd s2 #our flag means death #izzy hands #stim #stimboard #candle #orange #blue #teal #fire #fire tw

[skitskatdacat63]

I don't think I can ever emotionally recover from these

#the inherent romance of monaco parc ferme #seriously these murdered me i really can never recover from them #screaming crying THEM!!!!!!!! THEM!!!! THEMMMMM LOOK AT THEM!!!!! #jense's hand basically covering the breadth of seb's back im normal im normal im normal im normal im normal #the gif version of this you can only see seb's face and hes very fond too sob sob and they keep holding hands while theyre talking sob sob #THE WAY SEB'S CLOSING HIS EYES ANF RESTING HIS CHIN ON JENSE'S SHOULDER AND JENSE'S SMILE ABT IT #JENSE'S FOND EXPRESSION IN THE 2ND PIC LOOK AT THE WAY HES LOOKING AT HIM WITH THOSE FOND EYES IM GONNA CRY #pictures that make me need to get up and run laps around the room bcs im seriously gonna burst into tears #2011 sebson makes me roll around in bed kicking my feet and screaming #WHO IS DOING IT LIKE THEM!!! WHO ELSE WOULD TREAT AND LOOK AT THE GUY WHO JUST BEAT HIM WITH SUCH AFFECTION!?!??!?!??! #i seriously am gonna lose it when i watch the 2011 races i think i willl actually combust i cant handle it #('pictures that automatically make me think of Solar Flare') #(these are from before that fic takes place yet are the most romantic pics ive ever seen in my life) #(solar flare!mark was so right when he told jb that he and seb look in love in literally every pic of them together) #sebson #jenson button #sebastian vettel #sv5 #jb22 #we do a little bit of f1 #f1 #formula 1 #formula one #2011 monaco gp #2011 monaco grand prix

[sysig]

If your almost out of requests I'll send my second allowed one! Didn't want to send a second one at first though to give other people a shot lol

Howsabout.... something something Scriabin with the vibe from the song "This is Love" by Air Traffic Controller? If vibes from songs are allowed ofc xD

Day 13 - I know wrong, I know right, I just love to pick a fight

#My art #Requestober #Vargas #Scriabin #It's been a heck-while since I've done a Vargas song analysis! #The previous still holds true - I'm still very picky on listening to new music lol #It took a few run-ups to convince myself to listen but I can definitely see the Scriabin in it :) #And Nny but honestly the amount of carryover Scriabin and Nny songs have - I don't think either would be happy about it lol #There are a good handful of lines that work best with him tho especially about being combative haha #It's a bit funny - when I was originally sketching this down on paper I was like ''Huh looks kinda like his palette challenge piece'' #Which if I haven't mentioned lately I am still out of my mind about it is literally So pretty #So drawing digitally I just kinda leaned into - as well as it ended up being a good art day so he's just Very Pretty here haha #Not so shockingly but I am still Very about Scriabin haha ♪ Handsome terrible lad ♥ #It all worked out in the end :) #Also I just realized you broke the only-one-Vargas request rule! >:0 #That's on me lol - I didn't realize until literally typing this up so you definitely get a pass #Still tho to everyone else! Keep an eye on the rules!

[creechurfoundincheckerboardvoid]

one year redraw 💚

old art:

#dhmis #salad fingers #🐀.png #the crossover dumbassery #CRYING SOBBING i love them... #sorry for the autism but redoing this made me emotional whahthhah (<- agonized wailing) #i am. So Normal #my favorite accidental motif in this thingy thus far: the way yellow holds salad's hand #IT KEEPS COMING BACK AROUND AND ITS KILLING ME #because. because yeah. salad isn't like them. and he doesn't belong here. he doesn't fit. #yellow's hand doesn't match with his but the kid doesn't care about that. so he just... wraps around the part he can. #MAYBE I'M JUST READING TOO FAR INTO IT BUT. wouldn't be the first time my subconscious pulls something like this on me #KSIFIGKSKSKF ok i will shut up now <3 #thanks guys #(if the comic had a title the words would be on the top of the image. One Day. i can dream) #UPDATE YOU GUYS ARE BEING NICE TO ME IN THE NOTES AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO YOU ALL JUST #AUGH. THANK

[autisticaradiamegido]

day 71

i met my dad's new puppy today

el woowoo sunday

#year 4 #it me #i am overwhelmed by love for tiny creature #his big brother (literally same parents different litter) is basically full grown #and i thought HE was a really small dog #but baby jonesy is like less than half his size #he was walking between my dads feet trying to keep up with him and like #my dads foot was AS BIG AS THIS DOG #like he couldve stepped on him like a BUG hes so fucking small #you can easily hold him like a hotdog. 1 handed. he is ONE HANDFUL of puppy #day 71

[oatbugs]

oh my god ! haha . anyway a bit buzzed perhaps. anyway here's what happened on the date

#at some point i took the earrings off. the metal clanging was screaming their name too loud and it #was 6 knives to the throat and he confirmed it so. here's the kicker. you can be taught a lot and you can have their hands on your thighs #and you can kiss them but even if they pray even if they tell you about the bible looking into you like really they lost what they believed #in a pennsylvania countryside catholic schools with a protestant family since joining the london school of economics #even if they pray for you to stay the whole way even though their hair was softer than hers you think of her and he thinks of someone else #and be tells you none of it will make sense. they smile and they say what a shame you might miss the train but they hold onto you #the entirety of you - like a religion or a polite insistence or something to keep. #you learned they were used to losing everyone they felt bound to love. they said they got really good at letting go. you were told #you think he's being epistemologically #irresponsible and he tells you he carries a massive task. he tells you the responsibility is monumental #and he feels responsible for defining responsibility. he shows you songs and his poetry. my eyes feel on fire. #she doesnt know this. this is marylebone. the next station is edgeware road. everyone here looks happy and high and clear of the doors. #he says tell me when you get to the station and very especially tell me if you don't. the next station is paddington. please mind the gap #between the train and the platform. you say this to him. he says i minds the gap between you and i. i mind it so much that i need you to #come back. he says this because you kissed him briefly but you kissed him well. she says you're a good kisser but he says you have him #stunned. he asks you who decides the truth. he tells you you decide the truth without his mouth. you're fast enough to make it there before #the wheels do. this world is lit by glass and light and people with a pact to fall in love with the abstractions more than each other. #he tells you to be committed to your various intangible loves more than anyone. you both have to be. they love each other anyway. #i was supposed to find a persian poetry book with her on our fourth date except she was hours late. i found it with him. he didnt give up #he should be perfect and i should really like him.

[aroacettorney]

dont mind me. im simply just putting together a ludgercasey angst collection.

252

265

203

268

271

283

310

356

492

497

#aro ludgercasey propaganda #''why cant u be normal abt them'' how can i be normal abt them when solid 80% of their interactions is either angst or stemmed from angst. #even their ''fluff'' moments were also angst. #literally no one does angst like they do. #ludger prefers to keep most of his connections extremely impersonal/professional. #but whether or not he wants to admit it theirs on the other hand simply does not... fit in that category. #he'd even tried to convert it that way but it just didnt stick bc neither of them could help but be themselves around each other lmfao. #ludger is seemly still oblivious to caseys attempt to mend their personal relationship. #which is not too surprising considering he was also oblivious to the existence of their past relationship. #after all there was no reason for him to believe that casey would want to have anything to do with him. except maybe putting him in jail. #so pushing her away seems to be the most logical decision right? personal relationship is a luxury to him anyway. #alas casey who wanted to believe in their past friendship takes it as a sign that ludger has no interest in maintaining it. #she now has to take a step back because ''if you force a relationship it may become more estranged.'' #so unless he takes the initiative they are likely stuck in this limbo. #(casey might use impersonal excuses to stay around but rn its all up to ludger to change the nature of their relationship) #casey girlie forget him i would have treated you so much better... is what i would have loved to say. #i wouldnt be suffering this much if ludger wasnt clearly holding himself back most of the time / if it was completely one-sided from casey. #i dont know if this is a slow burn or hurt no comfort but if casey gets no closure im gonna commit arson 😔

[unexpectedbrickattack]

Peppino being a little magician makes me go :)

#chattin #making characters have silly little talents is so fun #this is of course bc i suffer from Love of WorldBuilding disease and i do this with all of my ocs (bc its very fun) #anyway the reason i thought of it was bc i DO really enjoy him being good with knives and being a knife juggler #bc its one of those obscure things u have to like fall into; but its also REALLY fun to know how to do this #its a good icebreaker! esp if ur like. anxious and scared of everything by default #‘U-UH….i can . juggle…knives.?’ ‘what the fuck? forreal???’ #so like #doing sleight of hand tricks seems pretty adjacent to that #card tricks and disappearing/reappearing acts #but unlike MOST magicians who keep their knowledge a secret #peppino literally doesnt have the capacity to sit in a convo longer than he wants to be #like the back n forth of ‘what? nooo u gotta show us’ ‘nope! teehee!’ like thats just annoying #so he takes the time to show how he does it bc often times even with a visual guide people cant recreate it #ANYWAY #i am saying this bc i thought of the noise throwing a Live Grenade at peppino #and peppino is like oh my GOD oh my god and hes jumping and panicking and the noise is like >:3!!! #and then he takes deep breaths and the grenade in his hand just disappears #and the noise is like wtf. what. where did it fucking go? walks up to peppino to look #peppino makes the ‘shhh’ motion and holds both of the noises hands in his own #and when he flips them palm up; the grenade is in the noises hand #like theyre on some looney tunes level shit #funny to think about #well i guess since i wrote it out i might as well draw it dhdjdndkdmdk

[cowboyhorsegirl]

society if tony stark and steve rogers had been lovers when tony went to fight thanos on titan >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

#I WANT REUNION SEX #i mean just think of the h/c of it all!! of steve going (even more) out of his mind with worry while tony's floating around in space #seeing him so emaciated and weak?? nursing him back to health?? the ensuing stilted conversation abt the emotional toll of those weeks #on steve #THE CALL FROM THE SPACESHIP AS TONY LEFT EARTH IN THE FIRST PLACE I- #good god #stevetony #mcu #my employer's opinions #instead of tony angrily ripping his heart out for steve to hold bloody and broken in his hands i want tony give it to him knowing that he #can trust steve to keep it safe until tony is ready to pick it back up again

[ilovefredjones]

today my friend told me about the theory that the reason fred doesn’t have a catch phrase is because he DOESNT GET SCARED????? AND THATS WHY HE ALWAYS SPLITS UP WITH DAPHNE AND VELMA????????? HOW AM I JUST HEARING ABOUT THIS??????????

#did you all already know this and were keeping it a secret from me #i literally was tearing up #granted i was a little tipsy but not even that much #like. like. GAAAAAAAHHHHHH HE CARES FOR HIS FRIENDS SO MUCH #and idk. [insane person voice] even like if he doesn’t let on his fear #you know. like he has to be the brave one stauch in the face of danger #his reaction is ‘we have another mystery on our hands’ ‘let’s look for clues’ #and. god i’m so crazy but even his ‘catchphrase’ is ‘hold the phone’ #which isn’t even an expression of fear #it’s confusion if anything you know #god anyway #me when characters love their friends #me when fred is just so kind and compassionate and cares so much and struggles to express it #but it’s so palpable in his every action #this is why i love bcsd fred so much like he’s grumpy and neurotic but you can Tell how much he absolutely adores his friends #and how fond he is of them and how he always uses their skills in his plans #which is how fred works anyway but you know he’s their LEADER #not bc he’s the oldest or the ~man~ or any of that shit #bc he cares the most!!!! his heart is too big!!!!! he wants to protect them in any way he can #gah i need to finish bcsd #anyway. tumblr user ilovefredjones posting about fred jones #this is why i can never change my url #i simply love fred too much #scooby doo #fred jones

[dutybcrne]

Kaeya is rather touch averse, cringing away from casual contact people give him under the guise of being distracted or idle movement. He's used to it, the Ragnvindrs and Adenlinde got him used to frequent affectionate physical contact, but it can still be entirely Uncomfortable if he's touched by someone outside those he is close to or someone he's otherwise Allowed to touch him.

#hc; kaeya #//Mentioned before; but am Elaborating on other aspects since Aven get brain juices flowing for this #//Unlike Aven; he's FAR more tolerable of people who touch him unprompted. & more willing to indulge for himself outside his comfort people #//Unless he himself had actively given the indication he doesn't want it; in that case THEN he's likely to anger & retaliate #//But yeah; his response is usually Discomfort & trying to get away from it one way or another. Can tolerate it to appear friendly; sure #//But would rather not want people to touch him so easily. Is decently okay with brief touches tho; like shoulder pats or the like #//Will actively lean into it & encourage further touching ONLY as a means to an end; adjusting any wandering hands only when going too far #//Esp if he can use that like a carrot on a string–if they concede to what he wants; they can touch him more. Maybe MORE than just that too #//He won't initiate any touch unless he deems it Absolutely Necessary; WILL internally scream if they Immediately reciprocate the contact #//Uses it as a 'reward' sometimes; a little pinch of the cheek; a hug; getting right into their space; if he sees they'll react favorably #//Maybe more if they have connection enough; like Huffman or one of his longer-running liaisons. Is p ok w/ sleeping w/ them as reward #//Sometimes he forgets some people don't like that he does this; like Rosie. Tries the tactic to get a favor then Remembers #//Absolutely apologizes; feels mortified when she scrutinizes him for it. Esp since she'd be one of few ppl who KNOWS just how Averse he is #to it in the first place. Him slipping up like that in front of HER is smth he'd STRESS over. She could hold over his head for all he knows #//How can he even joke abt it? Worse if she asks abt his way of doing things or indicate she doesnt Like that he uses himself as bait #//Has absolutely accidentally tried to seduce/bait sb like that who he absolutely should Not have. Like Jean. Ended up playing it off like #a joke between friends; but damn near had a panic attack from the guilt the moment he was safely in his office. bc Jean is SPECIAL to him #could he treat her like THAT? How could he almost let her SEE that side of him? His casual charm and facade are ONE thing #//But him actively doing something like THAT; esp for Jean of all people; is COMPLETELY off-limits; no matter his feelings #//Actually; especially BC he harbors feelings for her. Ppl like Lisa on the other hand; he is VERY comfortable doing this with/to #//She GETS the flirty habit & dishes it back without losing image of him in the way someone he regards at Jean's level possibly could #//And as far as Lisa knows; it's Only a playful habit; not a means to an end. The ones who prolly Know might be certain folks in the church #//But that's just bc he gets frequent checkups after every lil Rendezvous of his. Which is why he's got dirt on Every Single Person There #//Except Barbara; but he absolutely makes SURE she's not the one he's dealing with whenever he goes. Wants to spare her his messes #//Damn; veered a little but it's alright. 'A little'; HA. Nah; my tags are but the cluttered corkboard of my thoughts jhdbfjdf #//Diluc; Addie & Jean are the people he most Fears finding out abt his methods. Doesnt wanna THINK abt how they'd feel/regard him after tha #//Knows for SURE it'd be painful if the way they treat him changes even a SLIGHT. ESP Addie; he can bear the other two; but Addie??? #//Nah; he'd be fucken DEVASTATED. That's the ONE person he knows hold true unwavering unconditional love for him; no matter what #//To do anything to damage that? He'd be so fucken GUTTED. He expects everyone to get fed up with/disdain him at some point. But not HER #//Keeps this shit on the down low by always having dirt on the people he gets Involved with; if not using keeping it up as an incentive

[fist-amidst-the-hands]

having stripper izzy thoughts... he has a pair of regulars who like to book a room and request him for a private show. the leather daddy looking one (ed, he's learned) always settles back against booth first, one leg extended to rest on the bench and the other bent at the knee, foot planted firmly on the floor. the colorful polished one (stede) follows and sits in his lap, getting the perfect view of izzy while his boyfriend (at least izzy assumes ed's his boyfriend at this point, they've made this a bit of a habit) gets the perfect view of him

it's not that unusual for izzy to perform for a couple, though more often he's requested for groups (friends, coworkers, strangers, sometimes he can't tell). mostly he prefers it that way - all the more satisfying when he can make everyone in the room feel like they have a personal connection with him. that's the name of the game right, to make them want and feel wanted?

but this couple... they're different in a way that pulls at izzy's gut and makes him ache. stede watches izzy with devotion and izzy's learned what makes him bite his lip, what makes his eyes flutter, and how to get his head to tilt just so. his gaze is intoxicating, full of open adoration izzy wants to drown in

while stede watches izzy, ed mostly watches stede. sometimes he's leaned in close to stede's ear, whispering words izzy can never quite make out. what he can make out are stede's reactions, expressions unrestrained and on full display for both of them. sometimes ed leans back against the wall, one hand or the other resting on stede's thigh or hip or lower back. one time izzy notices them hold hands, fingers laced together, and it makes something else in him ache. other times ed actually does watch izzy, with his chin resting on stede's shoulder and something deep, something hungry in his eyes consuming as much of him as they can

if stede's gaze is the thing he wants to drown in ed's is the thing he wants to pull him under

#he just wants to be doomed and redeemed in the same breath okay babygirl is feeling all kinds of things at work and it's hard to focus #ofmd #ofmd hc #steddyhands #izzy hands #edward teach #stede bonnet #this was my second coherent thought after waking up #the first was about sex worker izzy but that's for another post #the best way i can describe the difference between how izzy feels about each of them watching him is this: #from stede it feels like gentle tender focused worship but the kind that has an echo of a smirk to it. the kind that holds confidence and #power and dominance in its care #from ed it feels like fiery deep consuming desire. the kind of pain that leaves a spreading warmth in its wake #i'm so curious how izzy deals with this in his mind because he's damn good at his job and he knows they both like coming to see him #specifically but he has other customers like that too. maybe the difference here is that he's also fighting with wanting them too #he's so used to drawing that boundary and defining the roles of himself as the desired one. even uses it as a measure of success - if he can #be the focus of someone's attention and pull their longing in his direction he's done well and that means good money and the boost of #pride and satisfaction that comes with it #but it's his job and yeah he has regulars but it's a one way street. be desired. make them want him and keep them wanting #he's not supposed to be the one who ends up seduced #i think the first few times izzy performs for ed and stede he thinks they're hot just like he would some other customers but it's a passing #but the more they keep coming back and he gets to know them or at least gets to know what they want from him and what they respond to best #well i think it gets harder for him to stay on his side. but he will. he always will because that's the agreement. he's seen what happens #when people have crossed that line and most of the time it ends up messy for everyone involved #but i think ed and stede would want to date him. court him even #maybe one time when they come in they ask if he can just sit with them and talk for a bit and they bring it up #izzy almost gives his default response that he's married (which half the time is met with a 'so what?' anyway) but stops himself for reasons #he tries not to look at too closely. instead says something about how he doesn't sleep with customers and stede saying 'we're not asking you #to hop right in bed with us' (and ed jumping in with 'but also we're not... not asking' and stede elbowing him so ed adding 'eventually') #basically stede explaining they'd both like to get to know him outside of work and see if the three of them get along as well as he thinks