#hopingforbetterdays | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rezilient-m3 · 3 years

Text

April 2nd

There was so many things I wanted to post about since the last “real” post I made. Since the passing of my sister. But, again, I put it off. Now I can’t recall what those things were. Sorry about that (if I even have people reading these lol).

Anyways, I’ve been through a lot of shit in the past few weeks Alex has been home, especially in this last week alone. I don’t remember exactly when he got home. Things had seem to be going okay. He put up my daughter’s wall. We painted, both her room and on the outside. We were in the middle of finishing the office area when shit hit the fan. Before this, though, I noticed his moods changing. You can tell by the previous post about him mumbling and me feeling not welcomed. I was just getting fed up. Anyways, that’s how it continued. I’m not saying he was a complete ass the whole time; we did have our moments of happiness, or whatever. But I knew he was getting annoyed with everything. He complained about the couch cushions, about dirty rooms, about them eating anywhere but the table and coffee table (his rules), about the noise at the table, about the small stupid stuff every kid does. But the thing that set him off was T’s behaviour towards everybody. She would pick fights with her siblings, her attitude, and not do what she was told. He was getting tired of it.

It was Monday. I came home from work, already tired, but I decided I was going to continue with the painting. The night before I cleared out our office, took out the ugly brass brackets from the shelves and the 80s tinted mirrors on the wall and patched it up. So, that day I started by painting the shelves and brackets. Set up everything in the other girl’s rooms. Around supper time, Alex calls me to come and help by washing the plates because supper was almost done. I told T to because I wanted to finish the first coats of paint. With her “T” attitude she asked why should she. Alex did not like that. He told her, in his “mad” voice, “Because your mom told you to.” Now, to me, from my perspective, I could see her. She looked scared. She was about to move towards to the kitchen, but she stopped herself, then purposely distracted herself to help her lil brother on the laptop. I went out for a smoke, and thought she would get up and do it still. I walk in and she’s still holding the dishcloth. I grabbed it and went do the damn dishes. And, again, to me, I thought that was better to do instead of pissing off Alex. But, wrong decision. I don’t remember the actual word for word that was said, but he was upset. Starting to cook angrily. Throwing shit, as he was putting them down. I asked what his problem was, and he goes, along the lines of, “People in this house don’t know how to listen or do what they’re told. And nothing in this house should be a free for all... blah, blah, blah.” Even called them little fucken ingrates. Rank. But I chose to ignore him. Kept doing the dishes. Pretty sure my kid went to her room, maybe cried. (I’m an asshole for not going to check on her) But I was annoyed at Alex’s attitude. I just went back down to the room and continued painting.

A bit later we ate, and as I was walking out for another smoke, I notice T’s hair and told her she should shower. She was on my laptop at the coffee table, and didn’t want to cuz she was in the middle of something. That didn’t help the mood I was already in. I closed the laptop, put it in my room and she got upset, saying it was her body and she didn’t like to be “harassed”. Excuse me? We argued. I gave up, told her to be dirty. (Not my best moment). I went back down and continued to paint. Alex came downstairs and asked T why she didn’t go have a bath because he heard me asking her to. She laughed and said that I said for her to be dirty. Again, he did not like that. He said when I tell them to do something, that they should listen (he wasn’t wrong). But yelled about how he’s getting fed up with the disrespect, and seen crumbs all over her bed and the floor from chips, and blew up about how the don’t follow rules because everyone was supposed to eat either at the table or coffee table. He was mad. I was in the room, trying my best to finish because it was close to bedtime and all that crap was in the way in the girl’s room. I think he ended up going to the garage. I was telling kids to get ready for bed, and was trying to get T to take a quick shower but her mind was set that she wasn’t going to. (I remember being that stubborn when I was that age, so annoying). But whatever, I was done. Kids all went to bed. I didn’t even go say good night to T, I don’t think.

Alex is still in a mood. I ignored him. I had a shower, went for a ride to get gas, came home and put on Netflix. He came in, “Good show?” “Yup.” I said. Then asked if I had anything to say about what had all just happened. I said not really. Like, what was I supposed to say? I didn’t know. And again, I don’t remember word for word. I should really write stuff down as they happen lol. But, first thing after that he said something about me showering, getting prettied up to go see my bf. Like, what? I got upset. “I was gone for like 5 fucken minutes to go get gas, as if I would have had the time, PLUS I wasn’t the one that cheated.” “I never cheated.” “Yeah right.” ... Then it changed somehow to how he couldn’t take it anymore. The disrespect, the attitude and behaviour from my kids. And his bottom line was “I love you, but either you get them under control now, or fucken leave.” Wow. I said I would. I wasn’t saying much after that, and he kept going. Said he was breaking up with me. He walked out to the garage again.

Obviously I was crying, because he made me feel the worst about my ability to parent my kids, and totally threw another ultimatum at me, again! I immediately went to Kijiji to look for rentals and emailed 2. Then, I went to sleep with our son in his room. Next day we all go to school. Apparently he wrote a status about how he was about to write a long post but deleted it, but “he was not happy”. Whatever I thought. But at my first break, I see msges from his mom about what was wrong with Alec. And me taking everything he said seriously, I told her that he broke up with me the night before but I’ll let him tell her why. At my next break she had more questions. I sent her the screenshot he sent me of the long status he didn’t post. Went like this:

“Well it’s not very often I make a post on fb that isn’t happy, cheerful, or humerous. Tonight I have a serious post. I’m at the end of my rope with my situation at home. I don’t like to make public of my trials and tribulations that should really remain in the family but I have come to the point where I have to say something. It has almost been a year sine “the girls” came into our home. I am happy that E got them here. I thought it would be rough at first, but with a little love and discipline, things would get better. This has not happened. I have never seen such destructive, unruly, disrespectful, hate-filled children. The level of disregard, disrespect, and destruction that has been happening in our home cannot be sustained. I have had enough as I can stand. E seems to think that it is fine to post all the bs that makes her feel good on fb and I can’t take away from how well she is doing (I am very proud of her achievements), but in reality things are getting worse in our home. I don’t even know what to do at this point, I start work next week but think I will leave tomorrow anyway. I have so much to do but I can’t stand to be in my own home ffs. Any advice would be appreciated.”

What an asshole post. I was so pissed off. Like, yeah, he didn’t post it. But glad he showed me anyways to see what he actually thinks of me and my kids. I showed his mom, and told her I was going to get a hotel until Thursday for me and the girls, since I had work and they had school.

I went home without a word said since the night before. Picked up all the kids at the after-school program and told them we will be staying in a hotel for a couple nights. They all asked why, but I didn’t say much. We get home and I went straight to the bedroom to pack my clothes. Alex follows me to ask what I am doing, I said, “You wanted us to leave, so we’ll go to a hotel.” “You don’t have to leave.” (Same bullshit as before). I said, “No, this is your house, those are my kids, so we’ll go.” He started talking about it’s better for everyone if we stay and to not further disrupt them, and he would leave if I didn’t want him there. Like, omg. Making me look like the irrational one. I realized I needed laundry done. I went downstairs, locked myself in the laundry room and cried again. I decided to stay, cuz it would save me money and I wouldn’t have to wake up earlier to drive back and forth from the city to drop them off and go to work. But, he didn’t leave. lol. I had rental application I had printed at work. I locked myself in the bedroom and was emailing the landlord with questions, and filling it out. It was for a 3 bedroom townhouse, right in the town we lived in, for 1300. I don’t have credit references because the way I chose to love my life before and fucked up any credibility I had with building that shit, so I asked if I could list my dad as a co-signer type thing. She said I could. Now, I also didn’t have landlord references because I’ve been living with Alex for the past 7 yrs and any landlords I’ve had before wouldn’t remember me, cuz I didn’t remember them either lol. So, I listed personal references. Alex’s mom being one of them lol. I asked her, she said she would. I fell asleep and slept all evening, even missed supper. Woke up at kids’ bedtime. I put the papers face down on the entry way table. I caught Alex looking at them, but I didn’t say anything.

Anyways, another evening with kids in bed. He kept telling me I don’t have to leave. I said he was the one that told me to. Whatever, this night was kind of vague. I don’t really remember this night. I think I just went to sleep with my kid again. I could tell Alex was mad because once he came inside from the garage and didn’t see me sitting there, or in our bed, he was slamming doors. I went to sleep anyways. I was tired. Next day at lunch break, I get an email from the landlord to call her. I was really nervous. But I do. She was asking questions about me, what I do, and about my situation. I told her. She said I should probably view it before agreeing to anything. So,we made an appt to meet at 5 that day (Wed now). I pick up girls after school again and asked them what they would think if we moved out of Alex’s house and lived by ourselves. They didn’t really have much to say about it. Their only concern was if they’d get their own rooms lol. D, my little boy, did not like the idea of having two homes. That instantly made me sad. Get to the house, he asks me again what I’m doing, and I told him I have to go view it at 5. It was a weird hour there. We were all just sitting around, but I wasn’t really paying attention to him. When me and the kids made a joke, he would laugh along. I still got up before 5 to go. I got a msg from him, as I’m getting into the vehicle, “I wish you wouldn’t do this.”

I got the house. I was low-key proud because I proved to myself that I could do it on my own, without anybody else’s help. I still told her I needed a day to think about it. It would have been my whole paycheck, and I didn’t have the main furniture on my own. There was a lot to consider. Like, deep-down I knew I had my parents to help me, but still, I was a chickenshit. She agreed to give me time. I got back to the house and told him it’s mine if I wanted it. I don’t know what through his mind. I don’t even remember his exact words. I think it just went along the lines of “I shouldn’t do this”, “think of the kids”, “you’ll fuck them up further”, “he’s gone most of the time anyways for work”, “I didn’t tell you to leave.”. Ugh. I just said I didn’t know what I was going to do and walked away.

Again, kids are in bed later that night. I was sitting on the couch, he came in and asked if I knew what I was doing and I said no. He came in and went to bed in the room, I stayed in the living room, wrote him along email that I knew I wasn’t going to send until I went to work, then went to sleep. Hours later, at 4:30 in the morning, dummy comes out of nowhere and kicks the coffee table. Very rude awakening. He was pissed off. Said he couldn’t sleep for the last 3 nights because of me, and he should know what the fuck it is I’m doing so he could know and stop going crazy. He was not quiet about it either. I told him to lower his voice because it was the middle of them night and kids were asleep. He said it wasn’t fair for him to be stressed out like this. I don’t remember what his exact words were, but he did say he should just go kill himself. Like, what? Why would you even say something like that? He went back in the room, I went outside to have a smoke. I wasn’t going to chase him into that room to fight some more. But he came out. Getting mad at me because he could never get a response out of me. (I could be really composed when being attacked, or when everything’s going to shit around me and I could still carry on with the day. So this, to him, looked like I didn’t give a shit of what we’re we going through for the past few days). While he was getting frustrated with me outside, he goes and says that if we left he would have to quit his job, then he would get kicked out of his union. Like, why would you go and do that? He said because he would have to stay home because of Dougie, and whatever else excuse he made up, idk. Then said if we were gone he would end up selling the house, because what would be the point? All of this just made me feel guilty. He was standing there, staring at me, while I was staring at nothing, trying to figure out what to say. I wanted to say we would still leave anyways. But what I said was, “Well, we’ll just stay, but I am going home tomorrow after school.” Then said I was tired and had to sleep. That was the end of that.

I felt so dumb. I felt like I was guilted into that decision. Like, I couldn’t have said I was leaving. I still do. What if it was the wrong decision? What if I don’t get another chance like this again? idk. It’s Saturday, late at night. We’ve all been at my parent’s house for 2 nights. I barely spoken to him since. He hugged me before we left, and kissed me. We tell each other we love each other at the end of the day. But, do I anymore? Idek.

I know this post is already a really long one, but I’m going to copy and paste my email I wrote the other night. So you can get an idea of how I felt through all of this. If it wasn’t already clear....

“I wrote his last night before you decided to wake me up at 430. I didn't wanna send it right away so you can read it and not react angrily, like you do sometimes if i offend you. Not my intention tho... I feel like I should let you know what's going on in my head. I feel like I can get it all out writing to you, rather then saying it to you unclear. I'd prolly end up crying and not saying it how I mean it. So, I need you to understand why I did what I did. Like, why I went as far as getting approved to get that house. Not because I wanted to. This is the hardest thing I've been faced with in a very long time. I'm struggling with this and it hurts. I love you, I always have and probably always will. But I have these girls to put before you, and even before myself now. I know they're hard to handle and over bearing and all of that shit. They're too much for me most days. So, I get the frustration and the anger you feel. The difference is, they're mine. You don't feel that love and obligation towards them as you do Dougie. You would never call your son all those things you wrote in that post you sent me. In reality, you would try to figure out why he's acting out and why he is the way he is. Instead, they seem like a huge inconvenience to you, and I really don't like that. Everything they do seems to bother you. You seem very uncomfortable in your own house, and in turn, makes me feel the worst. Because this is your place. And they're my kids. That night Tenaya refused to do the dishes, I seen in her face she was afraid of you. Cuz when her automatic response to me asking her was "why", you went to raising your voice in anger. In that moment I felt bad for her, and scared for you to lose your temper (to which you eventually did). So, I did the dishes so you wouldn't have a reason to be upset. I know that's just an excuse and I should have made her do them, but I knew if I did, it would have became a bigger issue, with you already annoyed. Us arguing about it wouldn't have made that situation any easier. But when she refused to take a fucken shower, I was already done with her. I wanted that painting done, so I told her I didn't care and she could be dirty. You weren't there for that part. Then, you get how the rest of it went, you were there. In those moments, I didn't feel sorry for her, as she blatantly refused to do what she was told. No excuse for that. I guess my point in bringing this up was, I'm always trying to not upset you. I'm walking on eggshells when it comes to my kids setting you off. So, me doing the dishes was trying not to upset you. Then, makes me look like I'm not being a good parent. Maybe I'm not. Idk. What I really want is my kids to feel safe. And to be happy. Idk if they see, or can tell how your mood is sometimes, but I do. You don't even seem happy to be here. I see you mumble about something that irritates you, swearing quiet enough that I can hardly hear you. Couch cushion is fucked, dirty rooms, too loud at the table, annoying kids. All of this doesn't even sound like someone who wants them here. Maybe you don't. Maybe you do all of this cuz you don't want to lose me? Idk. Idk what goes on in your head most days either. I know you don't think this, but I am trying with my kids. Another thing you wrote on your post was something along those lines. "Erin only posts stuff to make her feel good." Whatever that even means. Everything I write is true. I struggle with my kids, but I want the best for them. My kid is a B, but I do see her getting better. Sorry if you don't. I don't want to leave, but I also don't want to be told to leave every time you're pissy. I don't want you to call my kids names and say they're hateful. Say shit to me, loud enough they could hear. That's really abusive. You send me into a panic mode, thinking about what I'm supposed to do next. When you say leave, I get ready. And this time it happened really fast. Im supposed to give an answer ASAP and idk what to do. What the hell would you do if you were me? Cuz I honestly don't know. I ended up staying before, then it happens again down the line...”

I thought this was a really good letter. He told me last night he was writing a long email back but doesn’t know if he’d send it. I told him he should so I have some sort of an idea of what’s going on in his mind. Still nothing tho. How annoying.

But I am overtired. There’s probably more to write to this whole debacle, but I am tired. Of everything. This whole week has been so draining. But hey, Monday morning is when I take off to the mountains with 2 of my oldest friends for a few days. (I totally forget what I named them in my earliest posts on here lol. I think A was Marie? Idk what I named M.) But if anyone remembers, these are the two girls who were older than me, who decided to use me for money to buy weed when we were young, little potheads, but ended up being my best friends for years anyways. lol.

Gnight. Bless you if you read the whole ass thing lol.

#thisisme #hopingforbetterdays #ihopeimnotwrong #bfssuck

0 notes