Still and All🌿
Miguel O'Hara x Fem reader
Gif credits to @miguelo-hara
Synopsis: You have a lifelong sexually transmitted infection. You've learned to live with it, but you started dating Miguel, and you need to tell him at some point. Word count: 4.7k
TW: MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. STIS: HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS 2, TALK OF UNPROTECTED SEX, RELIGIOUS TRAUMA IMPLIED, INSECURITY, SLUT SHAMING, SELF DEPRECATING THOUGHTS, ANGST, STIGMATIZED THINKING ABOUT STIS, TALK OF SAFE SEX INCLUDING CONDOM USE, SMUT AT THE END( EVENTUAL UNPROTECTED P IN V, SPANKING, ORAL F RECEIVING), IN SHORT THE SUBJECT MATTER IS RATHER HEAVY AND IF ANY OF THE ABOVE IS SENSITIVE FOR YOU, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND SKIP THIS ONE. ❤️
A/N: I DREW ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCE TO WRITE THIS. I HOPE WE CAN EVENTUALLY COMMUNICATE OPENLY ABOUT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS AND DISEASES WITH NO STIGMAS ATTACHED. BE SAFE AND HEALTHY. I GOT MY INFORMATION FROM THESE SOURCES, ALTHOUGH THE INFO IS IN LINE WITH THE SOURCES, PLEASE DO NOT USE THIS WRITING PIECE AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR MEDICAL ADVICE. TALK TO YOUR PHYSICIAN.
World Health Organization
Hopkins Medicine
Herpes.org NZ
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You weren't sure how you'd tell him. Or exactly when you'd tell him. You had told others before, but this time was different. You really really liked him. If you had the ability to envision someone you wanted to do the rest of your life with, he would be it.
And what you needed to tell him could cause you to lose him forever. And that news was that you had a sexually transmitted infection. Herpes Simplex Virus 2. Or HSV-2 for short. And you lived with it for years. It wasn't a big deal, really. But it took you a long time to get to this point.
You wondered if your strict religious upbringing and being repressed for most, if not all of your adolescence and young adulthood were contributing factors. It all came to a head when you were finally an adult and could move out of your parents' hypervigilant gaze. You started feeling excited at this new found freedom but went a little crazy with it. You started dating casually. It was exhilarating and felt empowering to be desired. To know that men wanted you, craved you, and desired to know the deepest, most intimate parts of your body.
So, you had some fun.
It was clear most of the guys you dated weren't as educated on safe sex either, or the passion of moment just threw those safety precautions out the window. It was careless, yes. And absolutely risky. But you didn't know how to ask for these things and weren't taught how to. You were afraid to speak up, that they wouldn't want you anymore if you put your foot down.
Several months into your promiscuity, you had a sinking feeling in your stomach you should go get tested when you felt an odd tingly sensation in your genital region. You prayed that nothing was wrong.
The doctor could not have called you at a worse time. Right in the middle of your shift. You stood in the stairwell of your job, waiting for a sigh of relief or your entire world to come shattering down.
"Your blood work looks good, except..."
There it is. Except.
"You tested positive for HSV-2. You have genital herpes. It is a very treatable condition, but there is no cure."
Just like that, a life sentence. You were super young when this happened, so to you this was earth shattering. Your mind didn't even pick up the rest of what he was telling you as you hung up your phone.
The world outside seemed to grow fuzzy as though someone bludgeoned you in the back of your head. Colors rapidly disappearing, causing your retinas to only see gray. Claws of despair sinking into you. Not able to speak, not able to think, gasping for air while the tide crashed and beat against you again and again, keeping you under, forcing you to drown.
Your mind did what it does best and became your worst enemy.
"Nobody's going to want someone like me."
"I'm dirty."
"If you weren't such a careless slut maybe this wouldn't have happened to you."
"Quit crying, this is just a consequence of your actions, deal with it."
"You're being punished. Maybe if you weren't so weak and didn't lose your faith, God wouldn't have had to teach you this lesson. You wouldn't need to learn it if you were actually good."
"Typical for a pathetic girl like you with daddy issues who can't go a month without a guy telling her she's pretty. See what happens when all you're good at is spreading your legs?"
Your internal monologue flogged you like this for months. You had to take some time to just cry, just lay in your bed and wait, praying to the God that abandoned you. The winds and rains of self-doubt and misery mercilessly beating against you while you hid in a hole, waiting for the storm to pass. A numb expression on your face as you watched everyone outside live their lives while you just stayed frozen in place with a dark cloud over your head.
Just holding on for better days that hopefully laid ahead, hoping you'd make peace with this permanent new part of you that seemed to latch itself onto you overnight.
And... slowly, you did.
You started taking antiviral medication. And it improved your symptoms drastically. Having an outbreak could be quite painful and uncomfortable. Gritting your teeth and your eyes squinting in pain when you had to use the restroom with open sores, the sting causing you to suck air between your teeth.
Once you got the hang of taking your medication on a daily basis, any outbreaks you experienced were only a couple of times a year, usually popping up only if you were under extreme stress or if you had missed a few doses.
Outside of your physical health, dating was tricky. You pretty much began to avoid it altogether, despite the raging loneliness within you. You just wanted to know what it was like to recieve the love you were so ready to give someone else. To have someone hold you at night and stand across from you at the altar as you pledged to spend your lives together, a conscious decision to not let this condition stand in the way of you two being together.
Most people were understanding, but eventually they'd stop talking to you. The unmistakable shift in your dynamic as soon as you told them when things started to get good. You respected their right to not put themselves at risk while you simultaneously grieved for just once, to hear someone say,
"It doesn't bother me that you have this. I still want to be with you. Let's figure this out together."
You came across someone who also had it. But the relationship never grew into something serious for other reasons.
You took a long break. Just to find yourself and be comfortable with being your own person. Not letting yourself settle for less than what you deserved.
Eventually you found Miguel, who was a welcome change to all of that. After college, you were Spider Society's fresh new accountant, sticking out like a sore thumb amongst your STEM and Spider-Colleagues.
Miguel noticed you while he was walking to the break room for another pot of coffee. This wasn't even the usual way he'd go, but after a casual glance in your direction at the way your eyes were narrowed at your computer screen, lips slightly parted in concentration, he switched his route to include an accidental brush past your open office door from then on, intrigued with this new face around the place.
You noticed him the second time he passed by, and you had to do a double take. He was gorgeous. Strong cheekbones that led into a chiseled jaw and wide neck. Warm umber skin surrounding scarlet seas of his eyes and full, pouting lips. A majestic, tall frame that embodied strength in every sense of the word. The evidence lay in the fit muscles that crowned his entire body from his arms, to his legs and whew, that stunning back.
The third time, you noticed him approaching and gave a little nod of your head with a closed lip smile, the generic, passively kind, but also slightly aloof way that acquaintances passing would give to each other. He returned the gesture, and you felt your stomach do a little flip as he walked away.
Next time, you actually flashed a smile, and he raised an eyebrow but gave that lukewarm expression of acknowledgement again. Not quite a smile yet.
Oh, but the first time he smiled at you. That sealed the deal. At first, you felt that maybe you were in danger of just being in lust with the guy, his physical features the first thing to pull you in. But when he flashed that dazzling smile at you, you knew immediately that your heart was in actual danger of being absolutely wrecked by this guy at some point. The bottom row of his teeth were ever so slightly crooked. His bushy, sculpted brows so expressive despite the stoic disposition that always painted his face. He was sooo...so...
Perfect.
His laugh and his voice was a whole other issue entirely. His voice wasn't exactly deep, but it was gentle. A sweet caress against your eardrums. It dripped like honey. That small, whispery chuckle of his he'd let out when you finally made small talk with him had you wanting to bash your head against the wall.
"Top o' the mowwwrning to ya! " you said in a silly voice as he walked up to your desk.
He cracked a smile. "What's got you in such a big mood this morning?"
You smiled like you were keeping a secret. "Oh, just the fact that it's Friday, it's payday, I have a 32 ounce iced coffee, and I have theeee best job in the world!" (A little bit sarcastic about the last item you listed)
Miguel scoffed. "Well, I'm glad someone is happy around here. I can't seem to get any peace and quiet or work done with all these shocking anomalies we've been dealing with lately."
"You wanna know a secret?" You ask, raising an eyebrow, feigning mystery.
Miguel rolls his eyes but is unable to suppress a smile. "Dime." (Tell me)
"The bench at the bottom of the hill in the courtyard is actually the best place to go to get some work done. But don't tell anyone else about it because that's where I go on my lunch breaks."
Miguel's eyebrows raise. "Is that so? Well, you don't mind if I were to try it out this afternoon?"
You grin and swish your iced coffee. "Nope! All yours. You gotta text me about it and let me know how it went, though. Tell me I'm right."
Miguel scoffed. "You're on. But, I don't have your number."
Your cheeks burn a little bit but you scribble your number down on a sticky note and hand it to him. He shoots one more stunning smile at you and walks away.
Later, he did text you that you were absolutely right. Peace and quiet for a whole two hours outside managed to get him to complete 3 weeks worth of paperwork he was behind on. You felt like you were on top of the world, but it escalated to a whole new level when you were straddling his lap in the backseat of his car after your first date just a week later, making out with him in a quiet parking lot at the head of the trail where you two went on a hike together.
You were getting lost in how tasty his lips were, soft and full with just a hint of his sweat from the exertion. You feel the heat of the moment about to overtake you when he starts to grind his hips, feeling him starting to harden underneath you. Oh God, the way this man moaned was purely sinful.
You groan and whimper, realizing you can't take this further, no matter how much your pussy is begging for him right now. You pull away with a teasing smile.
"Let's wait..." you say softly, passion still dotting your voice.
Miguel shows the slightest bit of disappointment but nods in agreement. "Of course." He sighs and gives your thighs a squeeze of reassurance.
"I'm starving." you say, tracing his neck with a finger.
He smiles. "Well, let's go fix that right now."
You two shared grilled cheese sandwiches from your favorite food truck and as you walked into your apartment, you admitted to yourself that you were falling.
On your second date, you casually mentioned a little white lie that you were on your period to hopefully keep sex off the table so you wouldn't have to have the tough conversation.
"Oh, are you sure you're feeling up to getting dinner right now?" Miguel asked as you walked side by side towards the small Mexican restaurant.
"Mhmm!" You replied cheerfully.
Miguel gave you a skeptical look but followed you into the restaurant.
It was one of those express food places where you ordered your food at the counter. When the cashier asked if you were eating here or taking it to go, Miguel abruptly interrupted,
"We'll take it to go."
You looked up at him, puzzled.
"You're not feeling well, we should let you rest at home where you're comfortable." He replied, taking your hand in his.
"Oh, right!" You smiled and nodded enthusiastically. You totally forgot you were lying. Your heart starting to pump quicker in anticipation when you realize he's coming over. Give me the strength, please, God.
----
After you two went back to your apartment and ate, you talked for nearly two hours about literally everything. Your childhoods, your complicated relationship with family, favorite foods, places you've always wanted to travel to, politics, even.
As soon as you cuddled next to him on your couch and got a whiff of his cologne, soon your tongue was in his mouth and he was on top of you, kissing you with so much tenderness you were actually contemplating marriage in your head.
He sighed a little into your mouth, letting his hands wander down to your ass. Your eyes went wide, but you continued anyway, continuing to lock yourself against his yummy lips.
Miguel groaned and moved to kissing your neck, your vision flashing as your eyes fluttered at the tempting sensation he was giving you.
"Not going to lie...I want you right now..." He whispered against your skin.
You whimpered. "I want you too....so much....but I'm on my period, remember?" Hoping he'd buy it.
He inhaled sharply at your words, increasing the intensity of his kisses.
"I don't mind..."
Dammit.
You feel your eyes water and before you know it, you're crying. Miguel pulls back, concern in his eyes.
"Did I hurt you...? What's wrong...?"
He presses the back of his hand against your cheek as one tear after another and another streaks off to the side of your eyes and into your hair, gravity causing them to run downwards as you're still pinned underneath him.
"I can't..." You choke out. "It's just something I need to tell you."
Miguel swallows and allows you to sit up. His eyes remain locked on you and scan your face for any inkling of what you're about to tell him.
Just drop the bomb now.
"I'm not actually on my period right now. I can't have sex with you right away because I need to tell you that I have an STI. It's Herpes Simplex Virus 2. I'll have it the rest of my life. I get occasional outbreaks in my genital region due to stress or if I miss a couple doses of my antiviral medication. I've had it for over 5 years now and it's quite manageable."
Miguel nods, his face in an unreadable expression. His eyes leave yours for just a moment as though he's starting to think quietly in his head.
You exhale shakily, the worst part is over, but continue with the facts which you've rehearsed many times.
"It's very common. As many as 1 in 6 adults may have it in the US, but many who do show no symptoms, as a result they might not even know they have it. But, I understand that you need to do what's best for you and come to your own conclusion about what I just told you. So if you choose to not continue seeing me, I understand." At the last sentence, your voice cracks a bit. "I like you a lot. I'm sorry for getting emotional..."
Miguel sits in silence for just a moment longer and he puts a hand on your thigh. "Thank you for telling me.... To be honest, I was expecting worse news than that. Like, you have a secret boyfriend I don't know about or... " He gives a little scoff, then looks at you, not moving his hand from your thigh.
"It's not the best of news, but it's not the end of the world. And it certainly doesn't define who you are. You're still you, and I've enjoyed getting to know you quite a bit and find myself liking you a lot too..." Miguel swallows. It's been a while since he's been this expressive with his feelings, but he feels he can venture a little outside his comfort zone since you're putting yourself in such a vulnerable position right now.
"I don't know much about Herpes myself. I'd like to educate myself more on this and then we can talk more about what we can do from here. Is that okay with you?" He asks, his voice gentle.
You nod, eagerly. The weight of the world had just been taken off your chest, you could breathe at last. He asks you a few more questions, like how often you take your medication, when you got diagnosed, how you manage your condition and so on. You answer honestly and firmly, pausing to gauge his reaction and make sure you explained yourself clearly enough. After talking for another hour or so, it's about 10:30 pm. You've definitely reached quitting time, and you're fighting to keep your eyes open.
You two share a long embrace before he walks out the door.
"Thank you, for a wonderful night and for dinner and being so understanding. I haven't always had the best response when telling people about this." You say into his chest, trying to hold him long enough his scent will stick to you after he leaves.
He smiles, still holding you. "You're welcome. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable with me. I'm kind of amazed at how much we have in common. I'll talk to one of my medical contacts some more about this. Don't be worried if I don't text you right away tomorrow. Then, we can talk more about what we'll do."
You nod, and after giving him one last kiss on the cheek, he leaves out the door and into the night. You watch him walk down the stairs and close your door with a soft click.
----
The next day, Miguel's at HQ speaking with one of the physicians in the lab.
"What are the different types of Herpes Viruses?"
The doctor leans against the counter and answers,
"There are two types of herpes simplex virus: HSV 1 and HSV 2. HSV 1 commonly causes oral herpes, or cold sores. It can show up as an upper respiratory tract infection during early childhood, whereas HSV 2 is the cause of most cases of genital herpes. However, it is possible for HSV 1 to cause genital herpes and HSV 2 to cause oral herpes."
Miguel nods and asks more questions.
"I ask because I started seeing a woman recently who has HSV-2. To my knowledge, I don't have it. What would that mean for us in terms of intimacy?"
The doctor nods and she answers,
"HSV-2 is mainly transmitted during sex through contact with genital or anal surfaces, skin, sores or fluids of someone infected with the virus. It can still be transmitted in the absence of symptoms. If you plan on being intimate, I recommend the use of condoms to decrease the risk of transmission. If your partner is also taking antiviral medication to suppress outbreaks, that helps decrease the risk of transmission as well. But, if your partner is having an outbreak or symptoms, I recommend abstaining from sexual activity until they resolve."
Miguel nods and takes in all the information the doctor is providing him, thanking her for her time.
He calls you, and you answer eagerly.
"Miguel?"
"Hey," he answers. You can hear the soft smile in his voice as he greets you. "Want to meet at Central Park in an hour? I figured we could go for a walk and talk in person. You don't need to be worried. I want to see where this goes with us, and now that the doctor gave me more information, I want to talk about it with you."
You feel your chest rise with hope. "Yeah, absolutely. I'll meet you in an hour. Thank you for taking the time to learn about it. You have no idea how much that means."
Miguel smiles. "Of course. You've been so patient with me, it's the least I could do. See you soon, get there safe."
"See you soon!" You hang up, and go get dressed.
---
The rain has started to come down a little bit, sprinkling and peppering the pavement in little dots, the earthy petrichor permeating the late spring air as the sky melts into a faded grey overcast with a thick layer of cloud cover.
You tuck your hair in your jacket hood, starting to jog a little faster to escape the falling raindrops as you approach Central Park. You see Miguel sitting on a park bench, across from the pond, totally unphased by the precipitation. You stroll awkwardly up to him, not sure where to look as you get closer to him. He hears footfalls approaching and turns, searching for the source and finally notices you, becoming slightly amused at your displeased reaction to the rain.
"Sorry, perhaps meeting in the park wasn't the best idea considering the weather," he says as he stands up, causing you to move your chin up a little to meet his tall gaze.
"Yeah, perhaps not." You huff.
Miguel grins and gestures towards some trees that will provide a little bit of shelter from the budding rain shower and you follow him there.
He leans against the tree, hands on his hips. "I talked to the physician. All in all, it sounds like a very manageable condition, which you've already covered with me. You're already taking antiviral medication daily." He clears his throat.
"But, when it comes to sex, we should use condoms. At least in the beginning to decrease the chances of transmission, and make sure you're feeling well and have no symptoms before we do anything. You've had the condition for long enough, I trust you that you're aware of your body and can pick up on whether or not you're about to have an outbreak. Do you have any thoughts on that?" He looks at you.
You nod. "I think that's completely reasonable. Thank you for trusting me, really." You lay your hand on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze.
He gives you a small side smile in return. "Just so you know, I'm not expecting sex right away. I just bring it up now, in case we find ourselves in a heated entanglement like we did last night..." He kisses your hand. "We'll have already covered it and know what to expect."
You nod. "I definitely want to, at some point. But I'm in no rush either. We'll wait for the moment to present itself I guess?"
He grins and stands up from where he was leaning, letting both of his hands cup your face now, nothing but soft affection for you lining his pupils.
"Sounds perfect to me."
You two traded warm, lingering kisses as the rain poured a little harder around you, saturating the city of Nueva York, turning the trees in Central Park a vibrant, otherworldly green, the thunder shaking the sky in a deep rumble.
----
2 years later on a cruise ship gently coasting the Caribbean
The blinds were drawn around your ocean suite, giggles escaped you and Miguel as you gave him a playful shove back onto your freshly made bed after dinner, courtesy of housekeeping, both of you about four wine glasses deep.
His breath hitches as he watches you slowly hike your strapless maxi dress down your body, biting his lip when your tits bob out of your dress, practically drooling as though it's the first time he's laid eyes on you when the fabric slinks off the rest of your body, kissing your curves on the way down until it's laying in a heap on the floor, leaving you naked in front of him.
"Ven aquí..." (Come here) He whispers, pulling you closer as he sits on the bed, the noticeable glint of a silver wedding band with a small diamond embedded in the middle on his left hand.
He leans down and licks hungrily between the folds of your pussy. You sigh and close your eyes, using those beautiful broad shoulders of his to steady yourself, the twinkle of your own sizeable rock on the wedding band on your left hand catching in the dim light of the honeymoon suite.
The sound of his licks get more sloppy and wet as you drip more and more into his mouth, his tongue fueling the fire. "God, baby...."he groans, landing a sharp spank on your ass.
You gasp and buck your hips into him, pleasure sizzling in your core when your clit brushes against his nose. He pulls you in tighter to his face and you lift your leg, putting one foot on the bed to spread your pussy wider for him.
He scoots back instead, pulling you on top of him and directly over his beautiful face, his chest hairs poking out of his half buttoned dress shirt. He has one hand gripping your thigh and one squeezing your ass cheek as he continues to eat you out. "Lower, baby.." he whispers, tugging you downwards so you're sitting right on his face.
You feel your cheeks burn as you look at yourself in the mirror hanging above your bed on the wall. Completely naked and legs spread, riding your new husband's gorgeous face, his powerful large body pinned underneath yours.
One orgasm later, you're panting and sweating on the bed, looking up at the ceiling when Miguel gets back on top of you, planting a sweet kiss into both ankles as he brings them to rest on his shoulders. You look at him through half-lidded eyes that rake over his majestic form, his arm muscles rippling slightly as he gets into position.
He brings his cock to the entrance of your pussy, your ankles still perched on his shoulders, swirling the tip around the outside to collect any remaining arousal as lube. Both of you gasp at the same time as he slowly eases his cock inside you. That first thrust sends you straight to heaven and you release a satisfied moan. He sets a steady pace, fucking you in splendid, deep, strokes.
Your lips fall open and he traces them with his thumb while still rutting into you. You close your mouth around it, sucking and swirling your tongue around his thumb while you gaze into his eyes.
His own mouth falls open a little, lust blown pupils of his showing he's dangerously close to cumming as he lets out a deep moan.
"Fffuck, baby, you look so beautiful like this. Sucking my finger while your pussy takes my cock..." He purrs.
You let out a filthy moan in response, still sucking his finger while he drives his cock deep into your pussy with both ankles on his shoulders. He leans down to kiss you, letting your ankles fall to the side and back onto the bed, opening your thighs a little bit as you welcome his body in missionary. He tilts his head to the side a little bit, scarlet irises pulling you in, then kisses you gently as his body continues to make love to yours.
You savor the kiss, letting your tongue explore his mouth, the taste of your pussy lingering in it and bringing both hands to tangle themselves in his hair. He pulls away for just a moment for air, and you coo softly to him
"I love you so much..."
He exhales slowly, slowing down his strokes just a little but making them more deep and dramatic, causing a twinge of pain and pleasure to course throughout your veins.
"I love you, my wife. Forever."
You kept fucking deep into the night, tropical colors painting the sky as the sun dipped below the horizon, nothing but ocean air and the thrill of adventure awaiting at your destination.
Your diagnosis and any other obstacles remained long forgotten as you and Miguel entered forever with hands intertwined, still and all.
-----
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