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castiwls · 3 months

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"sacrifice, that's what we do for the people we love"

being the middle child in the winchester family...

I’d imagine you being like two years younger than Dean and two years older than Sam. So like literally the middle child

Your memories of your mum are fuzzy but you can recall a few things

When Mary died you were only two so you didn’t really understand what was going on for a while.

When you all first left Lawernce you spent most of that first night in a motel room crying because you wanted your mom and your bed. (Dean had to comfort you cause John left his two toddlers and baby alone in a motel #dadoftheyear)

When you were like ten your dad told you about what he had been doing for the past eight years. You were terrified but he made you promise not to tell Sam. He also made sure you knew that it was your job to keep Sam safe.

Basically, you stopped being a child at ten.

You and your brothers were really close.

You and Dean basically trauma-bonded over hunting and also having wayyyy too much responsibility at a young age.

Out of you and Dean, you were more emotionally available so Sam tended to tell you more.

As he got older he would talk to you about getting out and stuff. While your dad and Dean were very much into hunting you and Sam were more of on the sidelines.

Sam got his love of reading from you. He’d always tell you about the books he was reading and what he was doing in class.

You’re the mediator for the family. It was always you who broke up fights. You were also able to calm your father down.

Mentioning in a passing comment that you didn’t want to hunt when you were like 15 and John flipped.

“If you don’t want to help kill the thing that killed your mom then you can get out.”

So you did. You left at 15 for 6 months.

In reality, you went to stay with Bobby but you never told your dad that.

Dean begged you to stay and would call every day. So would Sam.

Around this time Sam also started to want to leave.

“I wanna come stay with you.” You sighed leaning against the wall. The phone rested between your ear and shoulder. “You can't Sam. Dad would flip your too young.” He let out a frustrated noise but let the topic go. (for now)

Dean would also call often and beg you to come home.

“Look he didn’t mean it, alright. It was just a heat of the moment thing.”

You did eventually come back. (Bobby wasn’t happy but let you go)

Your brothers were overjoyed and you actually got an apology from your dad (shocker.)

Things were ok for a few years and then Sam got a bit older and started talking about school. He’d only talk to you about it though. It wasn’t that Dean hated the idea but he didn't understand.

One day when you were 18 and he was 16 Sam asked to talk in private. So you took him to a dinner near the motel and he told you about Stanford.

“One of my teachers thinks it's possible.” He pushed the pamphlet towards you. “I just need a signature from an adult and I know Dad won't sign it.” You quietly looked over the pamphlet for a moment. A sense of pride washed over you as well as relief. This was his way out. “Of course, I’ll sign it.”

You both kept it quiet for the next year and when his acceptance letter came in you both kept it to yourselves but you were so proud

#proud parent moment.

Though eventually, Dean found the letter.

“Did you know about this?” He asked holding up the letter. You felt your blood run cold as you grabbed the letter from him. “Yes. I did know.” You admitted. “It was me who signed the papers.” Your brother's eyes widened a look of betrayal crossed his face. “Why would you do that?” His voice began to rise as he spoke. “Because Sam deserves a future Dean.”

You two didn’t speak for a while after that. Dean got over it though.

When it came time for Sam to leave that's when all hell broke loose.

You’d never heard your dad yell so loud. He and Sam went back and forth for hours until your younger brother just walked out. You and Dean both followed him. After calming him down you went with him to the bus and said goodbye.

Dean was kinda non-plussed (inside he hated it and was worried sick). You were worried but happy that he was getting out.

When you and Dean went back to the motel John was furious. He blamed you (of course)

“This is your fault. You're the one who put all those ideas in his head and look what happened.”

Dean jumped in front of you and told him to back off.

“Sam’s his own person you can’t blame her for this!”

After this, you and Dean get closer. John starts taking more hunts alone meaning that you and Dean spend a lot of time just driving around.

You would probably class this as the first time in your life you felt truly happy. Hunting with Dean was easier and there were fewer arguments.

Sam would call u often to update you. When he told you that he’d met a girl you were so happy for him. (it really seemed he got out)

But then your dad went missing and Dean insisted on getting Sam to help.

You were glad to have both your brothers back but at the same time felt insanely guilty as you watched Sam fall back into hunting.

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proudfreakmetarusonniku · 3 months

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sorry before I go to bed I’m thinking bout the different ways Evangelion portrays csa.

asuka's (metaphorical) rape is done by a stranger. someone she doesn’t know. a literal monster. as someone who’s always prided herself on being able to fight, being able to always win, this shatters asuka, who feels such a thing makes her weak. she responds to her trauma by regressing, playing video games at her friends house and speaking to her like a young child, before shutting down entirely to the point of attempted suicide. she’s later sexually abused by shinji, taking his own trauma out on her, and while we don’t see as much of how that effects her, we see the tragedy of the cycles of abuse play out.

shinji's sexual abuse is done by a friend. he doesn’t realise it’s wrong, and misato thinks she’s helping, because he’s a boy and boys like that right? but misato not realising the harm of her actions do not make her any less harmful. there’s a lot of complicated feelings and emotions there, and it very much deals heavily with the complexities of abuse- not all abusers realise what they’re doing. not all abusers even have sexual intent (misato absolutely doesn’t see shinji in a romantic light at all, she's not attracted to him). not all victims hate their abusers, and not all victims fully realise how inappropriate their abusers actions are. yet, the abuse still has impacts- as seen with shinji's complete lack of sexual boundaries, to the point of assaulting asuka for a desperate sense of control. he recognises that it’s awful- it’s something familiar to him to a degree- but as a severely traumatised child, he lashes out and inflicts his own pain on others. which is not acceptable, obviously, but it’s tragic, and shows how abuse makes people worse.

and as for rei, she's abused by her own father. the signs are there, but they don't entirely click at first, and neither do they click to the adults who should be looking out for her. the sexual abuse she faces is overlooked even when it’s right under everyone’s noses. and when someone does put the dots together, they blame her for it. rei's abuse, like a lot of familial abuse, is either ignored or something she’s considered at fault for, despite being sheltered and groomed all her life, and, y’know, fourteen. rei's arc also focuses heavily on her conflicted feelings about her abuser, but in a different way to shinji. she, at first, idolises gendo. she's been groomed her whole life, and is incredibly isolated. what happens is normal to her, she doesn’t see it as wrong because she’s never been told it’s wrong. the idea of not having faith in gendo is alien to her. but as time goes on, she realises what happens isn’t special, it isn’t okay. by the time she dies and another version of her takes her place (the rei's share a soul, so they’re the same person even if rei iii can’t remember everything) she’s quietly furious at the idea of being a doll, and realises she can be more. when her abuser touches her, she literally tears off his hand. and she attains agency! that’s the final part of her storyline. she has agency, for the first time in her life. and she might have chose to listen to shinji on what to do, but she chose for the first time, it’s a massive step and honestly it really struck me as a beautiful ending to her character arc.

idk man. i just like how this mecha anime interrogates a sensitive subject from multiple angles and has genuinely suprisingly good depictions of even abuse that’s not recognised as abuse by most still. it’s nice! it’s refreshing. honestly, they committed to exploring abuse and never trying to apologise for it, and it’s fucking great. i'm personally not a csa victim, but i did go through sexual trauma at around the same ages of these characters, and i found myself relating a lot to their arcs around this due to that even if our experiences are pretty different. i felt aspects of how i dealt with things, especially in rei and shinji but to a degree asuka as well, and it made me feel more confident in myself. if shinji ikari can choose to live, so can I :)

#neon genesis evangelion #evangelion analysis #asuka Langley soryu #shinji ikari #rei ayanami #csa tw #rape tw #grooming tw #abuse tw #suicide tw #cocsa tw

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killuintense · 6 months

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Hi mootsss!

I just finished reading Nic's post about the new issues of prompts in fics, things about stepcest, incest directly, noncon or even pedophilia.

I wanted to do something further removed from their post because, first, I want to be able to explain myself well and be able to give the attention that talking about these topics deserves. And secondly, because I would like to be able to speak, as I am the one who has made a series directly from Leon Stepdad, which would also leave the way open for someone who writes about it to explain why the attraction to this type of content.

I'm only going to talk about stepcest because I don't read noncon or anything related to rape, or pedophilia because although I read and write about everything, issues related to minors under 18 years of age are NOT allowed on this profile.

To begin with, I am not a strictly moral person, and on top of that I have a certain morbidity and curiosity about many topics. I've always been into daddy kink since I was a teenager, but I never really liked it. Very crazy because I love stepcest, and this is precisely because I know it's not real. The dynamics that are mixed when writing nsfw and the question of secrecy, of 'they won't find out' and the fact that it is all hidden and taboo makes it more adrenaline-inducing. Then I would talk about the intensity of love and protection that, this does have to do with traumas and mechanisms of draining everything murky that we have experienced in a healthier way (so to speak). I have a bad relationship with my father, and with all the men in my life, so wanting a real man to love me and take care of me is mixed, but at the same time it is mixed with my bad concept of fatherly love.

Precisely for this reason in my stepcest series I try to mention not only the sexual but also what goes beyond it. Leon is my current hyperfixation so I simply channel everything I feel into him, plus I really like his adult version and he gives me comfort in my "trauma", the way he cares for the women around him, or the way you think of him and see him as a single father jsdjksdl. I mean, it's not for nothing that there are so many fics about Leon and baby fever or breeding, because he gives off exactly all those vibes. Now just take a traumatized girl who wants her father to love her and boom, you have my stories or many more about stepdad.

All this leads to my bad perception about what love is, mixed with what I already told you before. I love stepcest! But I wouldn't mess with my stepfather or stepbrother, and if Leon were real he probably wouldn't be with his stepdaughter either, so we understand that it's just fiction but it's okay to talk about it. It would be more worrying if he came here to say "actually I think it's okay to have relationships with family members, etc." so it's perfect to clarify the issues and stop being taboo, we all have different ways of talking about what we feel and Tumblr doesn't stop to be a place where we can talk about what we feel and make it our safe place.

Finally I want to say that even in my free will I don't like reading fics where they characterize Leon badly, you know, all that shit about making him bad and cold???? frightening. So my goal is also to be able to write it well, make it questionable but still have the essence of Leon, obviously.

ily'all, see you later!!

#leon kennedy fluff #leon kennedy resident evil #leon death island #leon kennedy #leon re4 #leon kennedy headcanons #leon resident evil #resident evil fluff #resident evil vendetta #leon kennedy smut #luna thinks abt leon #luna delulu time

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blastlight · 3 months

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#christian followers feel free to infodump in my inbox

☆hi beam!! okay i'm agnostic (spiritual and leaning hindu) now, but as a kid i used to be catholic (and also hindu at the same time. i was both simultaneously it's Complicated)

☆when i was little (before the Upsettings happened) god was sort of like my imaginary friend that i talked to all the time and demanded stuff from him constantly and i felt super upset whenever i did something to make him "angry". One time when i was 7 i prayed for about a week straight for him to turn me white. I was also convinced he would give me superpowers before i turned ten. I told all my friends about it. and then when it didnt happen i convinced myself it was because i was (vaguely) hindu too and God doesnt like it when i talk to other gods (???????) I won't get into the more traumatic aspect of the whole thing but the thought of someone always watching and the prospect of hell and dying forever messed me up for a good long while

☆surprisingly unrelated to that, i was obsessed with the bible as a kid (not really in a religious way so much as an autism way). My favourite book/section in the bible was leviticus and i just sat there for hours reading over and over what the ancient israelites were supposed to Not Do and the proper rituals that had to happen if they did those things anyway. My second favourite was the book of revelations but that was out of childish spite because at some point I remember the priest at my church saying that nobody understood what revelations meant or what was going on in there and i went "okay I'll just be the first then". I had Theories.

☆i was also going through my ancient history phase around the same time of my obsessive bible phase so every single week at church i bothered every single adult with questions about evolution and why the dinosaurs aren't in the bible until they made me feel too guilty to ask LOL (same thing happened when i asked stuff like why they eat shrimp or wear purple if leviticus says they can't)

☆tldr; i was obsessed with the bible in the way other kids at the time were obsessed with stuff like percy jackson, not because of religion but because i was fascinated by the Lore. But at the same time (and mostly unrelated to my bible interest??) i also believed in god fully and thought he would do stuff for me if i asked nice enough but be also scared me very much. Around age 12 I eventually reasoned myself out of christianity because, among other things, i decided the whole heaven/hell situation wasn't fair and unrealistic and also genesis made zero sense. The religious trauma that came later didn't help but was surprisingly not a driving factor for the most part. I still read the bible sometimes. I think it's fascinating

Oh wow that's way more than I thought anyone would send hahah

Definitely sounds interesting. I can see how you might end up like that but it sounds unusual. i don't know a whole lot about hinduism, but if you want, can you elaborate on how being hindu affected your catholic experience? just for curiosity :>

i relate with the "talking to G-d as if He's my imaginary friend" thing so much. i don't do that much now, but it's just way easier to speak directly than through very specific pre-written prayers sometimes...

hyperfixating on Bible Lore TM is kinda fascinating. i would not have chosen levitcus but i can see the hypothetical appeal of analyzing The Rules. (i was a child of chaos.) i don't know anything about revelations. what is going on in there?

bothering church adults with dinosaur questions is hysterical. also, where does it mention not wearing purple again? because religious jews do follow a lot of the commandments that originated from there, but that one's never come up. seems like a weird mistranslation/misinterpretation maybe?

makes sense why you'd leave based on that, i think that's more or less a common experience with ex-christians from what i've seen? good luck with the rest of that ♡ 👍 ♡

#i'm making comparisons solely on where i can relate to you. there is a bunch of stuff here that's different to different degrees-#-in (orthodox) judaism. so just keep that in mind ^^#also if i mixed up christianity and catholocism dont mind that. i dont remember the difference lol #shealot #sunnemona #its also very funny that you sent this because a few minutes after reblogging that post #the op texted me 'DONT REBLOG THAT LEAVE IT ON MY BLOG'#and then i checked tumblr and found Five Paragraphs In My Inbox #so. L gideon lmaooo

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chibivesicle · 1 year

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Trigun Maximum - I have feelings.

Ooooh boy. I ended up at the shop for a bit this morning to have my HVAC controller in my car fixed and I had some down time. I spent it reading the Trigun manga while the local CBS station had the morning news on the TV. The pacing for this manga is fast fast fast fast and faster. I will definitely need to go back and reread all of it after my first pass because it is both sparse and dense at the same time. The amount of information that you have to glean from it - not sure if it is a stylistic choice or forces you to think about it just yet.

Yet, you know it is never a good sign when a character ends up bleeding profusely in the author’s notes. Warning, mild spoilers ahead for up to volume 9.

Several plot points have just sort of made me go, ‘huh . . .’ and try to shake out why it would make sense in the context of things.

1.) Knives is the leader of his own personal crusade and he doesn’t need to convince anyone of it. More that he simply tells himself that ‘sacrifices are necessary for the cause’, when the cause is himself? All other life is meaningless save for his own? I hope the next few volumes clear this up a bit more since I’m currently struggling to really understand his motivations. Especially, his idea to steal as many plants as possible, ‘eat’ his ‘sisters’ and to do what? Even if the other ships get close enough to the planet and he absorbs them, then what? I dunno man, what is your endgame?

2.) The Eye of Michael are an assassin group that recruits orphans due to the fact they lack attachment to others. And their goal is to achieve what exactly? They’ve been around for 133 years and they are far to obvious to act as a sort of covert group. I mean sure, if you kill everyone in your path there won’t be eyewitnesses but the giant cross - not subtle. They are working with Knives but it isn’t the same - only part of them were sort of committed to the gung ho guns. I really need to go back and glean from the text.

3.) Wolfwood is around 20 - max?!?! I’m also baffled how he got recruited based on what we’ve seen up through volume 9. I found his words to be out of alignment with his age as a child at the orphanage. Only going by the anime, I put him to be older, like 30s. When he has his showdown with Chapel, we know that he was trained by him for ten years but the specifics are vague and it is clear he fucked off on his own when he realized he didn’t want to be told what to do. In the anime, his realistic words of wisdom make sense for them to come from an adult with life experiences. Yes, trauma and a harsh childhood can make you grow up faster but he always had that weird vibe that he was trained in some sort of religious philosophy that he could have more input into things.

Yet, in the manga he still has mature dialogue that I don’t quite get. I hope volume 10 helps to explain things further in regards to this weird disconnect. Wolfwood is there to oppose Vash in a constructive way, not in the straight out opposition that Knives is to Vash. Yet, by having Wolfwood start out as someone who is good with others, willing help out and care about people. It makes it obvious in retrospect he’d never be able to have given his all to the role that he was supposed to fill. I mean the fact that he shot and crippled his mentor but didn’t kill him already speaks volumes. Does he try to save everyone and not kill like Vash? No. Yet his destructive power is more tempered than many others. He also has that built in protective nature which pops up all the time. Though, he has spent a lot of time rationalizing that it is why he can kill people.

4.) Plants are technology that works on using the life force of angelic beings trapped in a bubble that are something - I need more info. Pleeeeeeaaaase? Pretty please? And are definitely modeled on more ‘realistic’ versions of angels e.g. not looks like a person with a pair of wings. And more in the this angel has a fuckton of eyes all over it and weird creepy manifestations, extra wings, heads, faces etc etc etc.

Does this mean that Knives is into a weird from of cannibalism? He tried to absorb Vash as well but obviously since they are diametrically opposed to each other’s viewpoints we know that isn’t going to happen. Isn’t he supposed to respect the other plants that he’s essentially using as an extension of himself? How is this fair to them. Hello plant ladies (?) allow me to rescue from your human oppressors - to serve me as a giant melded mess. . . .

These aren’t my most organized thoughts - just the general feelings and questions that really pop to the surface. I’ll try to reorganize my thoughts for the future. I’m thinking of:

1.) Wolfwood analysis - I know lots of people have their own interpretation of him, but I’d like a crack at it too.

2.) Tone of the anime vs the manga. Right now, I’m leaning towards preferring the anime; by no means is the manga bad, just they have different ways to get to the same sort of end.

3.) Review each episode (or two) of Trigun Stampede. I’ve seen other commentary online which is being a little more gentle to it. Not that I want to skewer it, but more point out where it works and doesn’t work in the context of the manga and previous anime. I purposely, went ahead and rewatched the original just to prepare for watching Stampede. I’m also getting the vibe that some people are like me and have done this while many other people’s commentary are coming from “I watched it on Adult Swim.” or “I’ve never seen it but it was apparently popular.” Making me feel even older with the Adult Swim comment since I saw it before then on fan sub VHS.

4.) Why Trigun Maximum is a type of seinen that works for a female audience. I think this also applies to Golden Kamuy. The series do have some overlap and I’m beginning to wonder if there are other elements of these two fairly violent series that allow for them to have a more equal gendered fandom.

That’s all for now. I need to put all my thoughts together and start cracking.

#trigun #trigun maximum #trigun manga #trigun anime #trigun stampede

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goldmanguyperson · 2 months

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(idk how to tag this so im just going to put a break in. i talk about sexual trauma but in a way that is not at all detailed; i am simply speaking of why people, especially kids, might not talk about it. Cept for the last part which i have put a special and very large warning for)

i think it’s weird that many people expect minors to be completely pure and have no sexual thoughts or desires. not to say that they should publicly express them!! that is dangerous and also i do not want to know about it (and neither should any other random adult).

but i do think that acting like they can never be sexual makes it a lot harder for minors to accept that feeling such ways is completely okay. Especially since the age range the term “minor” is about, includes the ages when theyre experiencing such things for the first time, and trying to figure them out. They deserve to feel safe to talk about it with people they trust, and should not be shamed for doing so. Even when it turns out poorly for them because the person they trusted turns out to be not trustworthy, that still does NOT mean that it was their fault and they should go back to being “pure”. it means it was the trusted person’s fault. (Please note i am not saying it is okay for adults to engage in explicit talk with minors. i mean it should be safe for them to ask questions about what is okay and to search for reassurance. and it definitely should be okay for minors to speak amongst others around their age, so long as everyone is safe and comfortable, just like anybody else).

demonizing these feelings among minors also can make it harder to discuss things that have happened to them or things theyve seen that they may be uncomfortable about, if they are sexual in nature. It is vitally important to be able to speak about scary and uncomfortable things that may have happened to you, and making that as a cultural baseline harder to do is fucking nasty.

There is definitely a lot of questions and concerns to be had about teens communicating about such things online. I do not deny that. But I do also think it worth considering that many people do not feel comfortable speaking about many things with others in person, or they may have a tough and unaccepting in person life that makes it difficult to speak to others in general, and they do not deserve to feel lonely in any aspect. This is not to say that talking online is fully safe, and no harm can come from it. It isn’t, and it can. And yes, it can totally be easier for minors to be exploited online, in large part because you cannot tell who is on the other side of the screen. But life offline is also not perfectly safe. It offers a few more tools to know who to avoid, but can also be more dangerous to being physically safe, and liars and exploitative people always have the potential to lie and exploit, no matter where they are.

(suicide attempt CW, no detail and not mine, in this next paragraph. Also sexual harassment, when i was a child, that was done to me! awesome /sarcasm. and obviously, you dont need to read this next part.)

I speak from experience. we all were young once. my most traumatizing online experience was not a sexual one, but it was still extremely distressing, and it did involve a different but similar taboo. Someone almost killed themselves when I was trying to help them over DM. If my mom were any less supportive or understanding of those with mental health issues, I likely would not have talked to her about what had happened. I only got support in what happened because i grew up around those who attempt to destigmatize mental health. I cannot imagine how i would deal with an experience like being sexually taken advantage of or otherwise traumatized or significantly discomforted in a sexual way online. i dont think i would have told a soul, for many reasons, the significant one being that it was so often implied to me that to be sexual is wrong. it took me years of help from my friends to stop being so scared of myself in this aspect.

I actually literally did get sexually harassed once, in person, by an at the time fellow teen. i was slapped in an inappropriate place and taunted about it. I told nobody until years later; in part because of the idea that to be sexual is to be bad. I only even realized that this fit the definition of sexual harassment much later. If I had not been steeped in the idea that nobody my age could have possibly done such a thing, if i had not been steeped in the idea that minors can never feel sexual or want power in a sexual manner, if i had felt able to speak, maybe some action could have been taken. maybe i would at least have not had to fucking deal with that kid at camp again. Or maybe i wouldve just been pulled out of that camp because of course, it’s always the victim’s fault, isn’t it? But anyways. yknow the only people i ended up telling? one girl who thought the guy was into her, to try and keep her safe; and my online friends i have had for probably like half a decade now (a lot to all of us cuz we are all young and around the same age) because they were the only people i really trusted about stuff like this.

in ending. Fucked up shit! stigma is bad, people, it fucking sucks! I will not let you perpetuate it. especially not in the name of progressivism, not in the name of keeping kids safe, not in the name of anybody. you help nothing and and up ruining lives

#cw s/h #health #sex ed! its very important!#i feel like a lot of these ideas come in part from people not fucking getting sex ed #or at least not good sex ed #shut up! the eagle’s talking!

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weebsinstash · 1 year

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Follow up from this post about The Silent Alpha because wow this is wild (also this posr is long as fuck because i basically just started retelling the plot because it's entirely drama now lol:

-Vanessa is one determined bitch, you have to give her that. She actually gets her hands on black market werewolf venom because Christian refuses to turn her and she's read becoming a werewolf can sometimes heal old injuries and she thinks it can give her her fertility back (also she fucked the guy who sold it to her for a discount)

-Vanessa um. Is actually kind of justified for being the way she is. It's revealed that her and Natalia's parents always heavily favored Natalia for being smarter and more talented to the point Vanessa was just openly insulted. Like it gives us some flashbacks and Vanessa goes to show her mom a good report card, mom throws it on the table "what, you want a medal? You should be making the honor roll every time just like your sister. I didn't leave my country for you to not take advantage of your education" but then Vanessa joins the cheer squad and her mother still has no time for her? Just always comparing her to Natalia? And then you know what happens? Vanessa, needing some praise and recognition, goes to a party and winds up getting roofied and raped by a college boy, and after her experience, which she never even told a single person about btw, it traumatized her and she became sexually promiscuous to "erase every single trace that he ever touched me. Sex became like a transaction to me. It's something i can use to my benefit" LIKE Y'ALL THAT'S LITERALLY TRAUMA? I can't exactly sitting here boiling with rage "oh wait youre telling me the big bad villain is a girl who was neglected in her childhood, raped as a teenager, shoved aside as a young adult, and then had her heart shattered as her love found another? Yeah no I actually want her to have something good come here way at this point" So I can 100% completely genuinely understand how Vanessa became this way.

-being hit with the venom, which was specifically supposed to be Alpha werewolf venom, sends her into a delirious coma (it's during this coma we see these glimpses into her past and it's kind of heartbreaking, it kind of just sounds like all she ever wanted was some recognition and praise) where she's fighting for her life for an undisclosed amount of time but it sounds like she's suffering really vivid out of body experiences of being stuck in pitch blackness and falling into water and. At the end of it all? She sees her wolf, a big beautiful strong wolf! Except the Moon Goddes appears and says PSYCH, bitch this WOULD HAVE been your wolf if you had trusted MY PLAN. I had a wolf and a mate who would have the patience and love for you all picked out and you ruined it girl!

-the moon goddess tells her straight up that, you know what, in fact I'm giving this Alpha wolf to your sister instead since you took her mate from her :) which uhhhh I feel like this raises some consent issues but maybe Natalia is going to ask Zane to turn her this time around and then she gets a wolf? But otherwise if Natalia just wakes up as a wolf someday I feel like that raises some red flags

-Vanessa wakes up and finds out Christian's Beta, Derek, is her mate now that she has a wolf. But he instantly pussies out and rejects her because she's the Luna and is already with Christian (even though Dereks wolf literally says outright 'but christian is just planning to replace her when he finds natalia, why dont we just take our mate? We literally dont even have to reject her dude' But Derek doesnt really want Vanessa after seeing what a snake she is). But like, was he supposed to be her mate the whole time? Why did they never feel the mate bond before? It's kind of a plothole

-Vanessa fucking JETS once Derek rejects her and leaves the room to speak with a nurse, who reveals, hey yo Vanessa is like magically healed and she's pregnant? (Presumably with the rogue werewolf's baby since Christian doesn't sleep with her anymore after finding out about Natalia being pregnant years ago) which btw means Vanessa doesn't even know she's pregnant either

-Derek goes to tell Christian that Vanessa is pregnant and Christiain outright tells Derek to kill Vanessa and the unborn pup "because Dakota is his only heir and Natalia is his true mate" like he's obsessed with getting Natalia back, meanwhile Natalia is rising Zane's dick and Dakota has started calling Zane his dad. Like Christian says straight up "get rid of that pup before Dakota and Natalia come back or so help me--"

-honestly? I feel bad for Vanessa. Yeah she did something really shittty and horrible but I understand it. Christian was actually a genuine source of support for her after a lifetime of being looked down on and she lost him to Natalia? I would kill myself. I find it kind of odd the moon goddess felt the need to say "oh, I had it all planned but you ruined it" like clearly it already wasn't working out? You literally mated Natalia with a piece of shit scumbag who wound up betraying her, was that part of the plan too? Like is the moon goddess implying Vanessa is responsible for Christian's actions and that this sort of scenario never would have happened without Vanessa? That Christian never wouod have cheated? That feels like bullshit and doesn't make Christian take accountability at all? And how long is Vanessa supposed to wait for her happiness, for this oh so sacred plan? She's a grown woman in her twenties, like how long is she supposed to wait. I find it a little um insulting and deflective that the story is framed as Vanessa getting her just desserts when it's like uh, actually she had a pretty valid reason for being bitter and a snake, she was literally put down her entire life. Like she's literally a product of her environment? Was it Vanessa's fault her mom treated her like shit and called her an idiot to her face? And really tbh, how good even is moon goddess' oh so beloved plan if you can. Knock it off track. Spoiler alert but if you can uh change your destiny it's not actually your destiny. So. Idk?

-I'm still real bitter about Vanessa actually. Moon G is like "I'm still going to give you a wolf tho, she isn't much but you can become strong together if you work hard" nd Vanessa's new wolf is like small and brown and pitiful and we don't even hear her speak or learn her name unlike the first wolf who literally spoke up and introduced herself, to be honest I'm not sure if the new brown wolf CAN speak? (Edit: Nevermind, its a plot point that humans cannot speak to their new wolves until they are marked which is lowkey really stupid tbh) And isn't it kind of a punishment for this innocent wolf spirit to be given to Vanessa? Unless the wolf spirit is also on some sort of probation? I actually read another story once where when a werewolf dies they burn the body so the wolf spirit can go back to the moon goddess and be reborn again so idk, maybe these are old spirits or something 🤔

-this is, like, a graphic sex audiobook by the way. They give you the whole menagerie of "cunt, pussy, pussy folds, wet hole, hard cock" there's a queef at one point that becomes a recurring joke, like, some of these stories have no erotic, some of them have tasteful erotic, and some of them get naaaaaaasty, like I think literally the whiplash between chapter 3 is Natalia leaving her pack heartbroken and chapter 4 immediately beginning with having Christian fucking Vanessa in graphic detail like it literally transitions from Natalia being betrayed and heartbroken to Christian nose deep in her sister

-backstabbing pussy Gamma Jordan is sent to find out where Natalia was living and gains the trust of her coworkers to get her number and warn her that Christian is going feral and is coming for her and Dakota, as well as Vanessa being infertile

-Christian contacts motherfucking WITCHES to track Dakota and Natalia down because he's too impatient to wait for Jordan. The witches perform a ritual with blood and Natalia's hairbrush and say the God of Chaos heard their plea and can find his family "for a hefty price"

"I can give you all the money you need"

"No, not money, blood"

"Whose?"

"Your mother's"

-I have to briefly go out of the order of events to bring up that like 10 chapters later, Christian does in fact kill his own mother and it's CHILLING. His mother, Kay, is genuinely scared and worried for him and asks him out for a run. They shift and are running and playing tag and he's remembering his childhood and he's legitimately fucking broken. He and his mother stop and she tells him she just wants to help, that hes sick, and it's emphasized that he's very meek and quiet while he asks "do you really think I'm sick mom ..?" Like he's actually considering some sort of help

Do you remember how before I mentioned that I felt bad for his wolf Jack. No. No. No. JACK IS THE TRUE VILLAIN OF THIS STORY. Christian is literally being held by his crying mother while Jack is going "KILL HER, SHE TOOK YOUR MATE, SHES A LIAR, KILL HER" and I can't remember if Jack takes over or not but, Christian kills his mother and takes her body back to the witches to perform the ritual and btw the main witch basically makes it obvious she's judging the fuck out of him, literally looking him up and down like "so you actually did it" like yeah girl he's clearly fucking crazy

-knowing Christian is coming after her actually gives Natalia the courage to fully devote herself to her own happiness and she tells Zane to mark her THAT NIGHT (which means a lot since she's been refusing to be marked up to this point because of the trauma of Christian. It caused her horrible pain to break the bond and her mark faded in 3 days, so she got legitimately depressed "those years of love and promises, gone in just 3 days. What did it even mean. What was it even for")

-theres a B plot about like Zane's pack and family and how his mother is still alive and there's gonna be a war because one of the werewolf kings is evil, Zane's dad Sebastian killed the wife of one of his enemies, Toren Ravenstone, his enemy responded by killing Zane's mom, who, resurrected while her body was being brought back to Ravenstone for unknown reasons besides "the moon goddess must have had a plan" and she lost her memory and fell in love with the guy trying to get revenge, so Zane finds out not only is his mom alive but is like married to the man who technically killed her, and also that "Mr big evil villain" is actually way nicer and more chill to his mom than his father ever was

-I literally never brought this up because i was waiting for it to like actually be important but ages ago Natalia's witch friend who helped her deliver Dakota was like "just trust me, I need you and Kota to get on a plane, you're in danger, just trust me" and Zane, Natalia, and Dakota were flown to California where Aurora, protagonist of the first book and the Ivory Queen of the werewolves lives. It's been like idk over 20, 30 chapters and we still don't know why Gwen said they needed to come "because i cant tell you yet, just trust me". Like it's keeping them safe from Christian but like we've spent a quarter of the book in this gd palace and we still don't know why, it feels very plot convenience-y, im getting annoyed because at this point Aurora from book 1 is becoming a weird plot device "oh how convenient the protagonist from the first book is our friend now and she's also super cool and powerful"

(Edit, it really still isn't relevant yet. Apparently there's a plot twist that Natalia may not be 100% human and have fae-enchanted blood that protects her species from vampires and guess what emergency Gwen needed them to evacuate for. Vampires. But up to the most current chapter, it doesn't really play any part of the story)

-so the b plot with Zane is a little complicated. He's an Alpha heir but his father is an asshole and cast him out, demoted him to Omega before making him a rogue, and Zane was replaced by another heir and halfsibling, Caine, who HATES him because Caine's mom, well, stereotypical evil slut who came onto Zane who turned her down and she accused him of rape which his father knew wasn't true but let him be punished for anyways. So. Caine finds out he has a brother and he's alive and then finds out it's Zane, the accused rapist, and also hey before even knowing this information, his mom told him straight up "hey, KILL Zane actually? He's after your title as future alpha, you have to secure the right you have earned"

-so, Dakota has a nightmare that is vaguely implied to maybe be a premonition (edit: yeah lmao its later revealed to be actual visions) of "mommy getting hurt by a bad wolf and there was red water all over her" and to console him they try to take him to the park to see the butterflies and GETS SHOT AT, by Caine, who MISSES ZANE because hes a fucking idiot firing a revolver from a moving car, and hits Natalia, which at this point I'm thinking "are they gonna have to turn her to save her life"

-yes and no. While she's in, you know the injury coma, that's when the moon goddess has a chat with her, gives her a wolf and stuff

-in this series, all werewolves have unique gifts, it's some real like MHA Quirk bullshit sometimes. Zane is a mindreader/empath who can share memories and actually like mindcontrol people into obeying him, and other people do things like, turn into sand, create hallucinations, create illusions that can fight, it can be kind of dumb lmao kinda just reminding me of the werewolf alpha Bakugou x Reader thing I wanna write lol

-Zane's wolf Grayson doesn't fuck around fighting with Caine (Natalia isnt turned until after the fight so he's worried she's dying and can feel that she is through the bond). "Take that revolver and let's play Russian Routlette" except, you know, not taking the gun from him, using the mind control powers to make him pull the trigger until Caine is dead

-Natalia loses consciousness and enters this kind of dream where she thinks she's dead and her exact reaction is to be sad she can't be with Zane and Dakota anymore but "she can rest knowing her son had a father that will raise him with love" like she loves both of them so much 🥺❤️ like she actually thinks of that and it brings her so much peace she basically accepts her death like I'm crying?? What the fuck??? She's falling through the same black nothingness, breaking away into blue skies, and then falling into water and having to swim to the surface and finding herself in the middle of the lake with a voice calling her to the shore. And guess what. This is the exact same fever dream Vanessa had when she turned

-yeah, Natalia meets a silver wolf who takes her to the moon goddess herself. She doesn't realize who she's talking to amd basically tells her straight up she doesn't believe in fate, she makes her own fate, and moon goddess kind of drags out actually introducing herself. All wolves, the ones werewolves have at least, are vessels filled with souls and love created by the moon goddess personally. She basically handcrafts every wolf and every mate to every person's destiny and Natalia's just like "why did you let Christian hurt me then, I loved him and trusted him, and I trusted YOU" and reads her for filth and asks why she can't just leave her alone

-honestly moon goddess kind of personally encapsulates the pompous holy figure attitude "I do the best I can" fake apology bullshit that makes religion really crawl under my skin. She says she can try and teach the wolves but humans have free will and she can't control everything but like... her apology, which isn't an apology, is more self pitying about how it hurts her as a mother to see wolves suffer. She picked Natalia for Jack because she thought it would balance Jack's temper out (oh so Natalia has to be sacrificed to fix Jack's fucking problems???) but also she KNEW Christian was flawed and hoped he would change, and she also expected Jack to help protect the mate bond which he didn't, so im just sitting here like, why would you even create this sort of mate bond system if it is so flawed and easy to go wrong. Why are you dragging HUMANS into this if you're supposed to be the werewolves god.

-also it should be noted that she is apparently specifically the moon goddess from Greek mythology because they later bring up the goddess of night being her mother, and also the God of chaos and, basically there are multiple gods

Like ok. Look at it this way. Moon Goddess is kind of playing matchmaker but she doesn't know the eventual outcome. But she's also. Implementing soul magic bullshit which can literally manipulate your thoughts and feelings and then saying "oh but I can't keep things from going wrong, I can ONLY SLIGHTLY ROB YOU OF FREE WILL" like, you're basically kidnapping and brainwashing people and playing sanctimonious about it??? You're kind of forcing people to fall in love and then saying "oh sorry I made it where you literally feel like incredible lightning when you touch and even looking at him makes your brain mass produce dopamine but he turned out to be an abusive prick who never respected you, lmao my bad, let me give you another attempt at a mate as my apology" like no leave me alone actually? You're creepy? The mate bond has HORROR MOVIE potential???

-apparently there's a mandatory dress code in this magical dream world, which I'm theorizing is the moon goddess' realm, because both Vanessa and Natalia find themselves wearing white dresses in these dreams, and in book 1 Aurora had dreams where she entered a realm and wore white dresses but I can't go into that without spoiling some of book 1 💀

-after Natalia wakes up and spills what the MG told her, and mentions that the moon goddess mentioned her wolf was blessed by the goddess of night, the moon goddess' mother, and, Aurora investigates and goes to get Gwen who would know more about rhe Night Mother and, apparently Natalia is probably something called a Latum human, which is a human with special blood that was once enchanted by a fae to protect his human lover from vampires drinking their blood and basically created a new race of demihumans and Natalia is just now finding out she's not 100% "home grown organic human" and that even her wolf is unusual

-GIIIIIRL Natalia's wolf is a SLUT but like we get it. Her and Zane are marking each other because the b plot about Zanes old pack means he kinda lowkey has to go to war, and her wolf, Davina, is talking to Grayson, and he's all tongue-tied, and she says "do you not like my mark?"

"Well, y-yeah"

"Then why aren't I cumming yet?" And "This clit isn't going to lick itself" GIIIIRRRLLLLLL

-so anyways, Christian brings the now dead Kay back to the witches, his father is blowing up his phone because he "can't feel his mate" and can't find her and he's freaking out, he has no idea she's dead, and Christian is just emotionless like "wow I can't believe I did that. At least I get Natalia and Dakota back" meanwhile Jack has absolutely no remorse. So the witches complete the ritual and summons the God of Chaos, because, apparently, Kay's blood wasn't for the job itself, it was just to summon the God who will help, who communicates by possessing one of the witches

-the chaos God is a troll and is totally off their rocker. He's gonna help Christian but there's a new price now to actually DO the thing, and Chaos asks "what are you willing to give". Jack speaks up from inside of Christian and says "ANYTHING"

-MOTHERFUCKING CHAOS, this goddamn TROLL, takes JACK HIMSELF, PUTS HIM IN A MAGIC ROCK LIKE A POKEMON. Tells Christian "I took your wolf, bring your son and the medallion he will be wearing back to me by midnight or you'll NEVER get him back" and gives Christian the Jack-rock to hold onto. But also lmao, guess how he helps Christian find Natalia and Dakota. Touches his forehead and bro starts hearing VOICES who start trolling him but also telling him directions like they're basically like "turn right, MOMMYKILLER. You MOMMYKILLER, NEENER NEENER" like lmao they actually start driving him insane

-I shit you not, I shit you not, Christian is occasionally hallucinating because of the voices and looks at this hallucination of Dakota and Natalia that suddenly manifested in the backseat of his car and fake-Nat is cryiny and he thinks "for once I actually want to comfort her" bitch, what do you MEAN 'for ONCE'???? SO YOU BASICALLY DIDNT EVEN LIKE HER THAT MUCH ANYWAYS???? EVEN BEFORE SHE COULDNT CONCEIVE????

With every passing chapter that reveals what an even bigger piece of shit Christian is, I can't help but wonder how the moon goddess could have fucked up THIS badly, like now that Natalia is gone he is obsessed but even when reflecting on the past he acknowledges that he was basically ALWAYS a bastard to her.

-fucking loser ass Christian does all this shit to get his family back and you know what happens? He kidnaps Dakota from a play center and he doesn't even have a car seat for him, so he's laying Kota flat in the seat and buckling him in while the voices are literally jeering "child endangerment! We've got father of the year over here!" Which, agreed! You can kill your own mom but not get your toddler a car seat? idiot!!

-Christian takes the medallion back to Chaos and oh my god this guy's hilarious. He's like "oh yeah, to get your wolf back, just smahs the rock he's contained in and call out to him" and Christian is just like "wait do you mean I could have gotten him back at any time" and Chaos is like "LOL YEAH I WAS JUST FUCKING WITH YOU" LMAOOOOOO

-oh my god. Oh my gosh. I never saw this twist coming and its actually SO GOOD. Actually kind of scary too. Christian is calling out to Jack, and he just hears growling and laughing? And then??? JACK TAKES FULL CONTROL. CHRISTIAN GETS ACTUALLY FUCKING BODY SNATCHED, HIS SUBCONCIOUS THROWN INTO A MENTAL CAGE, AND JACK SAYS HE IS NEVER LETTING HIM OUT EVER AGAIN. Christian LITERALLY cannot do anything anymore, it's all Jack, in full control, and now that he has Dakota, he's coming for his Natalia, his mate, his Tiny

And that's kind of where the story is so far, with the side character who was babysitting Dakota, Agnes, being unconscious because Christian roofied her and is unable to tell Natalia that Dakota has been taken, meanwhile Zane is literally on an island in Ravenstone territory fighting CHEMICAL WARFARE with his father's pack. Definitely a nail biting cliffhanger and I hope there aren't too many more chapters to go 😩

#weebreviews #villain had me cheering and pumping my fist while also going oh shit this is absolutely the worst possible scenario lmao #weebwolves

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cypreus-and-willow · 1 year

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Future Jobs at the Japanese Institute of Electronic Symbiotes

Digimon Survive Week

Day 3 Partners

Just a self indulgent Ryo/Shuuji thing because I didn't have access to the actual art I was gonna do for this day (it was about Haru). I whipped this out on Day 3 but had to rework some lines coz I couldn't get my thoughts out right.

Ryo & Kunemon

Cohabitation Division - Medical

Children's Nurse

This just kinda hit me out of nowhere after writing a scene involving Saki telling him he doesn't have to stay if the hospital makes him uncomfortable.

Despite risking being retraumatised, he stays in the hospital for Saki's surgery. He kinda forgets that at her age, she would still get admitted at the children's ward but he finds that he doesn't mind helping cheer up Saki and all the other kids at the hospital. With Kunemon's help he begins to reframe the trauma surrounding his mother. How he was helpless to say or do anything, even just to see her as the adults always pushed him away. This time, he has a sense of control that he was never given as a child, allowing himself to speak up when he needs to. Mama told him to be strong and while he might never stop being afraid, he was strong for Saki and that's what matters.

When the institute opens up, he gets recruited along with the other kids but the certified researchers don’t know what to do with this 'scary looking kid' and his 'scary looking bug' and dump them on clean up duty and coffee runs. It sucks, and the researchers look down on him and Kunemon but they don't mind as long as they're able to help. (The other kids throw a fit, Labramon writes a letter of complaint, someone almost gets fired. The scientific community find out the hard way that Ryo and Kunemon are part of the team dammit). They end up job hopping around the institute because they're actually useful to everyone.

He studies to become a nurse and starts volunteering at the medical section of the institute, helping people who have difficulties communicating with their partners (and others). He and Kunemon become prime examples to follow and it gives the kids hope that they can be as close to their partners as these two. He especially works with kids who end up in the children's ward. He takes care of them before, during and after they have to meet with the doctors. Mainly, he works as a nurse so he can be closer to the patients and their families and treat them how he wanted to be treated. The two are fan favourites at the institute.

Shuuji & Lopmon

Psychiatric Division - Rehabilitation

Teacher

I think the game suggests two career paths for him but getting affinity for saying he looks like a teacher just struck me. Also I cant remember what the other one is, but his reaction wasn't as cute.

He hasn't fully figured out who he wants to be even a whole year after coming back; he just knows he no longer wants to be like his dad. He takes his time just being a teenager who's no longer interested in pretending he has his sh*t together. Instead, he spends most of his time either teaching Lopmon about the ins and outs of the human world or sharing his research findings with him and getting his opinions before sharing with the Prof. He's full of doubt about his choices but he tells his dad he wants to be a teacher. No, not a university professor. A teacher. His dad doesn't approve of course since "taking care of brats is a woman's job". Despite the opposition and getting disowned (again), he takes a career path into education.

When the institute opens, he's one of the first to be recruited to the head research team under Professor Minase. He transfers Aoi from a separate research team into theirs - for one thing, to try to get her as a lead informer. And for another, he's still weary of adults and strangers who's not the professor (and so is she to be honest). They eventually start working with younger children and helping them connect with and understand their partners, leading Aoi to create the cohabitation division. Lopmon helps out by making the kids feel more at ease about Kemonogami but oftentimes, finding out their partners are the other half of their soul does not make it easier.

Shuuji would sometimes give extra lessons when the kids get curious and it starts an impromptu class on human-kemonogami lore which then becomes an officially recognised class. He goes on to focus on the education and rehabilitation of traumatized children looking to make connections with their partner but unable to due to previous traumas. Sometimes in class, Lopmon would ask questions to encourage the kids who are too shy, scared or embarrassed to ask. Shuuji doesn't teach most adults due to personal reasons. (He once lost control and attacked one of the parents for boasting how they use their adult level kemonogami to punish and threaten their partnerless child).

Their jobs aren't easy and it's a struggle not to come home some nights and cry (in each other's arms). But they do it for the kids who are just like them and for the kemono partners who love their fated children without prejudice.

Honestly... I just wanted to draw this bit but couldn't sketch it out so I tried to put it into words instead.

Not mentioned: Shuuji works under the Psychiatric Division which includes rehabilitation and reintroduction to general society.

They work in the same building and the kids start shipping the homeroom teacher w the school nurse 😆

Ryo, Saki and Aoi work under the Cohabitation Division which includes medical and whatever the heck that thing with Aoi was at the end of Harmony.

Obviously I don't know how irl institutes work but fictional institutes are fair game right?

@surviveweek

#digimon #digimon survive #survive week #digimon survive week #tominaga ryo #kayama shuuji #kunemon #lopmon #day 3

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quillyfied · 2 years

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It’s late enough at night to be making an ill-advised post, let’s do it:

Years and years ago, once read a post about how if a person had a fear of dogs, other people wouldn’t be trying to get that person to hang out with dogs or give dogs a chance or say the dogs were misunderstood (the metaphor being about sexual assault survivors who have an inherent fear and distrust of cis men being told to “get over it” and “not all men”, how people with less “serious” phobias or fears or trauma responses get cared for more than rape victims, not gonna get into that bc it’s a nuanced topic and not my actual point anyway).

And. Taking that at face value, ignoring the metaphor, speaking as a person with a dog fear and who is also friends with many, many dog people: uh. Hmm. Not quite, actually. Yes, I have good friends and they are aware of my fear, and they do take steps to try and ensure my comfort when I visit, but ultimately, I’ve had so many people throughout my life try to convince me that I just need to get over my fear and that dogs are great. My fear has been laughed at. It has been not taken seriously. It’s been pushed to its limits. I have been encouraged to just give the dogs attention, or to suck it up. And admittedly, I’m better now as an adult than I was as a child, because as a child I would start crying and freaking out if a dog got too close. I have a sort of weary tolerance for my friends’ dogs now as an adult (because I’m a grownup and I know that the dogs don’t mean any harm and are entitled to not being shut up or closed off in their own homes, but also I am so massively uncomfortable around dogs and that is probably never going away). Familiar dogs are okay. Strange dogs are much less okay. Strange big dogs will still put my brain into primeval fight flight or freeze and I possum up like crazy. And yet. I must tolerate the dogs because I love their owners. So I make an effort.

So, metaphor from like 2014 or something, your logic is flawed, and people with fears, rational or no, are absolutely always pushed and prodded to some degree to overcome their fears, no matter how justified the fear. And if aging has taught me anything, it’s that exposure therapy for certain fears does do some amount of alleviation and teaches better coping mechanisms for the fear (obviously not a universal thing). I’m not going to engage with the deeper levels of the metaphor, just going to point out that “you wouldn’t push a person with a dog phobia to hang out with dogs” is WRONG, YES THEY WILL AND IT IS YOUR JOB TO LEARN HOW TO HANDLE THAT.

#no idea where the dog fear came from tbh #if I had to guess: being four and my uncle stuffing me in a pillowcase and running me out to the middle of my great grandma’s yard #where her small yappy dog proceeded to jump all over me as I tried to get out of the pillowcase #that’s my earliest dog memory. doesn’t cause me any particular stress to remember #but I have no other early memories to account for why I’m as scared of dogs as I am #yes I know they are friendly and generally harmless and just want love and attention #and I can handle smaller dogs in that I don’t have as strong a fear response #had a high school friend with a dog so big in my memory he came up to my shoulder and I think I almost passed out #surely he wasn’t that big in reality but memories are weird #anyway people with fears like that are always going to be prodded at for the fears #find a different metaphor

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cherieye · 1 year

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I grew up Mormon, being told I needed to hide my body and that my existence as a woman was to bear children and be responsible for men's sexual urges and their thoughts.

It took me years to learn to embrace my body, to show any skin past my shoulders without feeling shame for it. I am also an open heart surgery survivor and have always been proud of my scar, but was denied to feel like it was okay to actually show it.

I am currently back in the home I grew up in and fear old psychological repression to hit me when my parents come to visit. My whole body often goes into a trauma response when I am around them. Growing up disabled, I was infantasized for majority of my life that it's hard to carry myself as an adult, because my parents did all they could for me to not be one. I don't know how intentional it was to coddle and isolate me so much to the point where at 31, I am not even able to drive. It has caused me live a life very similarly to someone who is on house arrest. constantly dependant on others approval to do simple things. Being conditioned for so long to believe I don't have what it takes to take care of myself. This is a trauma majority of people don't speak of because it's humiliating to admit. But I don't want to hide the reality of what arrested development truly is, it's debilitating and it shouldn't be left in the dark.

#arrested development #autistic art #autistic pride #ex mormon #ex Mormonism #disabled #trauma #cptsd problems #cptsd

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citricsystem-moved · 2 years

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Hi lol

I found an old note in our phone and it made me cry (not neg.) and I wanted to ramble about it because it’s interesting

We were diagnosed with psychosis before DID, so some of the stuff is subjectively “creepy.” If any of that bothers you tw for below

(also it’s super long)

For context I’m Jace, I’m the current adult life host for my system.

I became an active host in highschool around 2016, and we didn’t get diagnosed with DID until 2019.

I have little to no memory of our childhood except for our trauma, but despite that Lee says I’ve always been around. He remembered me as an “imaginary friend” perceived as a big brother who helped him out a lot.

One time we spoke with an old friend of ours, who we knew since elementary school. She told us stories about the camping trips her and (technically) Lee would go on together.

During one of the stories it hit me like a ton of bricks, I did used to front when we were kids. She said,

“It was always so weird when you slept over. You’d do this thing where you’d sleep with your eyes open, if we asked you to do something you’d do it, but you never responded/talked to us-“

“-eventually you’d close your eyes and go back to sleep, but when we’d ask you in the morning you didn’t remember doing it at all.”

And Lee still doesn’t remember what she was talking about, he remembers the trips she brought up and what they did during them. But not all that weird stuff.

Before I got us diagnosed, I spoke with my prior therapist about my symptoms. I was already aware of our C-PTSD, so he mentioned DID could be a possibility, but he didn’t want to say for sure. He gave me a couple resources to look at, which eventually lead me to try and communicate with anybody that might be in my head.

The first time I was able to hear Lee “clearly” I was so scared I threw up and called my bsf in a panic at 2am (lmao)

I was so used to the hallucinations, to forcing myself to be rational- even if it was after the fact. But that experience was so real and jarring I couldn’t handle it and “woke myself up” to run away from it all.

To paraphrase my note I jotted down; his voice sounded like he was speaking through a fan (you know, that thing kids did that made it sound funny), and every time he spoke my head would throb so hard and violently I could hear it against my eardrums. We overlapped each other, it was so obviously two streams of thought, and even through the weird voice he sounded scared. Most of what he said I couldn’t make out, because of the throbbing in my head.

Looking back I think it was what I did make out that made me panic. I’m sure anybody with auditory hallucinations would of, no matter how desensitized you were. He said, “-out of my head,” and “stop, you’re in my head,” and he sounded just as panicked as I was.

It felt like a horror movie, except my trusty anti-hallucination cat never reacted.

Eventually, I did it again. And again, and again, until he sounded normal and we were standing in that living room I burned into my brain as an “inner world.”

After that we both meant Harlow, and as soon as we did another ton of bricks hit me.

This one’s more funny I promise.

I fucking spoke with Harlow all the time.

Looong story short, I practice witchcraft, I “spoke” to something when I was down, panicked, in a tough spot, etc. I considered them a deity of sorts, but by no means worshipped them, just “worked” with them. It was never like they spoke back to me, it was always more like a feeling. But it helped, they always seemed to sooth me and guide me in the right direction.

Once I felt (heard isn’t the right word) them call themselves ‘Apollo,’ and since I’m from Greece, I was just like. Okay that can work.

Apollo

Harlow

Apollo

Harlow.

I brought this up with him last year, when we first started attending therapy with someone who specialized in trauma related disorders. And this motherfucker just smiled.

He has yet to confirm or deny anything. But considering he’s a fucking wolf fox kitsune looking thing, I don’t doubt it was a coincidence at all.

Lol sorry this was long, but I find looking back at this sort of stuff really interesting.

Because of how me and Lee divvy up our childhood I always end up doing the research and deep drives into our disorder to keep him away from what he can’t handle. But I love filling him in on what I find out and how I connect dots. Since he’s been dormant I don’t really have anyone to gush to since most of my other headmates don’t relate that far back in our lives.

Anyways if you made it this far send me any fun system ‘connect the dots’ or stories you have.

This shit tickles that itch in my brain ya know

#and that itch isn’t harlow this time I checked #lmao #i will be angry about that till the day we die #long post #//#/info #/our post #Harlow confirmed covert gatekeeper #you can’t change my mind

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casspurrjoybell-28 · 5 months

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Alpha's Temptation - Chapter 42 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

1 week later

Everywhere I look, I see him.

This is the house he grew up in.

His stuff is still strewn all around the room from when he stayed with me because neither of us was very good at keeping things clean or organized.

And I don't have the strength to even move any of it, the pain overwhelming me in a room full of things that remind me of him.

The first few days after he left me, I couldn't leave the bed.

I stayed there, curled up in a fetal position.

I couldn't bring myself to eat anything.

I would cry most of the time.

I'd have thoughts about dying.

I still have them.

I think about leaving this world to join my mother often, now that the person I love most wants nothing to do with me.

What is life worth if he's not here?

What is my life worth without him to give meaning to it?

All alone, I have nothing.

I slipped back into the habit of suffocating myself in my pillow, torturing myself with the lack of air until it was unbearable.

Then I'd sob my heart out into one of Daemon's jackets he'd left in my room.

I'd take in the scent of him that still lingered on it, remembering all the times he kissed me and told me how pretty I was.

But those moments are gone from me now.

So I mourn the loss of them through a process of self-destruction everyday, making myself even more miserable as I drown in my sorrows.

Nothing makes me feel happy.

Not candy, not my favorite shows, not even the treasured necklace he made for me on my birthday.

Then I went quiet.

The heartache was too much and I went numb.

I'd sit at the window for hours, almost paralyzed as I watched the street, imagining Daemon walking around the corner to take me back, to tell me he'd made a huge mistake and that he did love me, and would never, ever leave me again.

My wolf whimpered and cried for the longest time but eventually he went quiet, too.

I couldn't hear him at all, only feel his aching sadness.

The sadness sits in my chest now as I sit on the steps of the house, staring at the place where he broke my heart.

On the freaking sidewalk.

He couldn't even be bothered to pick a nicer location.

The sun is low on the horizon, giving me more reminders of that day.

I sigh sadly, resting my chin on my knees.

Alpha Ferix was right.

I'm just not fit for anyone to love me.

I mean, even my own mate rejected me.

So it must be true.

It was too hard to love someone like me.

I was a burden to Daemon, with all my trauma.

It was too much.

I wasn't loveable.

I was clingy and annoying, insanely greedy for wanting him.

He got tired of it.

Anyone would have gotten tired of it.

I've always longed for things I could never have.

Family. Love. Happiness.

With Daemon, it felt like I had those things. It felt like he cared.

When he held me, I felt warmth, affection.

I saw desire when he looked at me.

I thought I saw love, too.

But I have a habit of being absolutely delusional and stupid because my brain is so fucked up, so I might have made it all up.

Might of tricked myself.

Tristan has been coming around to check on me, so that's an odd surprise.

He must feel bad that Lucien's gone and his best friend also ditched me.

He was the one that forced me to eat after five days of starving myself.

He shouted at me, asking if I wanted to die prematurely and made me cry, but it did make me eat.

My friends have been treating me like a wounded puppy.

I guess that's kind of what I am.

They speak to me with soft voices, give me random gifts and try be around me all the time.

It got to the point where I told them that they needed to back off, give me some space.

While I am grateful for them, I alone can grieve the loss of my mate.

No one else can help me through it.

Right now is one of those times where I have space, completely alone.

Tristan tries to order me to stay inside and keep the doors locked but I don't listen.

I don't know why he's being so overbearing.

I'm about to get up and head back inside to watch depressing movies when a car pulls up.

I squint, peeking a blond head getting out of the car.

Geez, what's Theo doing here now?

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pekpekfever · 6 months

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DAY 1 OF RELEASING TRAUMA

October 19, 2023

Started: 9:44 PM

Finished: 23:51 PM

Here it goes ...

I thought making mistakes in life would cost me impenetrable pain. Atleast, that's what I know. When I was a child, I make it to a point that I do what they say. I set standards for myself, to always do what the adult says. And I did. When I saw that they were acknowledging my "behave" behavior, they would constantly carry me around from places to places. As a child, it was fun. I get to listen and behave. Aside from that, I get to meet a lot of people, some made me cry and others talk to me like a kid (because obviously I am). I was never exhausted talking to them, in fact, I love talking to people who talks to me like an adult. They would get fascinated on the way I speak. When let me do chores, I do it attentively. One day, my mother ask me to watch my brother in the baby crib since they would changed their clothes for a trip in an hour. The crib was a little bit high for a 1 year old baby since it was traditionally made it uwas used for all ages until 3 years old. I was 7 then and my brother 1. A few minutes later my father ask me something (I don't remember what it is), so I went and got it. I was standing and looking up, waiting for my father to get the thing that he was asking for. They were busy, they couldn't even careless if I was there or not but when I heard a big loud noise. And then later on proceeded into crying, I realize my brother fell off in the crib. I saw my parents hurried to the crib, carried my crying brother and worriedly check on him.

I was stunned and nervous. I don't know how to react, I was 7years old. It was new to me, I didn't even moved as I was also scared of the crying and the worrying. I felt like I was shaking.

A few minutes later, I saw my father grabbed me in my arms. He took the belt and immediately raised his hand and slam the thick belt in my legs. I was saying "no, no, no" as I was trying to stop the belt from hurting me. I felt my legs burning at that time, I saw the thing that my father wanted me to get flew into the floor. I was defending myself using my 2 hands while my father holding with his one arm and the other trying to inflict pain. Between the two of them said (I can't remember who exactly) "I told you to looked out for him, why can't you do what you're told to! Look at him, he was hurt. If anything happens to him. You better be ready!" (Diba giignan tika na bantayan nimo imuhang manghud? Nganong wala man ka nagpatuo?! Lantawa ni ron! Maunsa gale ni imuhang manghud, bantay lang ka!"

The belt was not new to me. And the pain.

I rationalize myself to always be ready when a belt comes in my way. I am scared of it, of course but at 7 years old I took the pain differently. The pain of the belt physically stings but the real pain was felt in my heart, I would always try to protect my heart from aching. I don't want my heart to get hurt that's what I always say when the belting was done and I have to tap on my chest for my heart to calm doen. My only reason of it was, if someone will "belt" me and I started crying, my heart will then start beating fast until it hurts and I couldn't breath.

I feel like my heart was bursting. I don't know what to do, the belting was done for 15 minutes or so. I just know because as my father was done, and I immediately went to the upper part of our rented house who was about to be having a landslide, all was silent. I just remember it was Saturday morning, around 9-ish am. I immediately cover my self and hide with our foams whose put into the side wall. I was thinking about my Lola, she was the only one whose ready to protect me but she's not there. I want her to looked at the bruises and the welt I've got how I have gotten so hurt because of nothing that I did not do. My heart took the liberty to beat so fast that it did not stop until I lay down and touch every welt that I got. In my arms, my legs and even the side of my body.

Later that day, my parents decided to bring my father with them and left me alone in the house. They were confident about me since we have a lot of neighbors around. Until I get to go outside and my friends was playing, they saw how puffy my eyes were and how I touched my hands with welts on them. I wore a pajama so that people wouldn't notice. Until I saw one of my neighbor, approached me and said "Whose got some beating?" (Kinsa may gibunalan?) (this man was also our closest neighbor and pose as my godfather-ish) I felt like crying again and I pity myself so much that I feel like no one was going to understand me. The man went inside anf I heard him talking to his wife (My godmother) and said "Why would they do that to the child? She did not do anything! They should be the one taking care of him, not her" (Nganong gibunalan nila ang bata? Nga wala manay sala. Dapat sila moy magbantay, dili ang bata"

I immediately went back to the house. With my eyes crying and heart hurting, it was then and there I started to see the world for its beauty that the world may have its beauty but it was also more than uglier like most people.

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