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wanderlust-in-my-soul · 5 months

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Currently Watching - December

aka The Masterlist

Because I love a good little list - in alphabetical order! 😊

Regularly updated during the month, latest update 24.12.2023

A little link to my favorite bl-tropes-collection 💙

I am happy about gif-requests 🌼

Here you can find all of my gifs.

And if you want to show me something you think I might like, just let me know with #josistag

At the end you can have a look at what we can expect in September with MDL link and a link for a trailer (if avaible).

This is guaranteed to contain spoilers!

1. 7 Days before Valentine (1/12 WeTV)

Hm... This was not what I expected. The acting was a little bit over the top. I don't know if I can stand Sunshine. The feeling this first episode gave me was kinda off. I don't know. Right now I don't know if I want to keep watching it.

2. BL Drama no Shuen ni Narimashita: Crank Up Hen (1/3 on Gaga)

This series gives me so much joy! I wasn't expecting this being so funny! It is hilarious, a little bit cringy, but for the right amount and not over the top. It is really a blast. The characters are lovable and the managers are the best 😂 I am really enjoying myself with this one.

3. Cherry Magic (3/12 on Youtube)

I love the japanese version and I try to not compare those two with each other. So far I am doing quite well. I liked the first epiosde. I like Tay as this absolutely whipped character. And for now I am hating GMMTV for a lousing contract and the Japan's network for copyright strinking the series so we international fans aren't able to watch the series anymore on legal sites...

4. Cityboy_Log (11/? on Youtube)

Soon-to-be Idols, actors and models vlog their days of photo shoots and meetups and how they fall in love with each other. It is surprisingly good and the acting is excellent. It really feels like a "real" vlog and that is what we are all here for. I really enjoy those four men on my screen.

5. Cooking Crush (2/12 on Youtube)

I have to admit beside Not Me, I am not the biggest fan of OffGun. Their slapstick humour is just not mine. I can't get the right feeling for this series right now. I will wait and see how it turns out with more episodes... Guess I'll drop this one soon if I am not watching the next episode and catch up on the already aired ones...

6. Dead Friend Forever (1/12 on iQiyi)

Do I like horror? Nope, not at all. But so far I had fun with the first episode. Everytime there was some suypence I just looked away and as long as there are no creepy sounds I am good. The plot gives such a typical highschool/college horror vibe and I kind of like it.

7. For Him (1/12 on iQiyi)

I don't know if I will keep up with this one. Actingwise it is not that bad. We have to wait a bit for a deeper story. Right now it is just friends with benefits and I really hope there is something more to come. But a safe-sex-policy! I like that. And I forgot about this one... Guess it was a little bit much these past weeks. I don't know if I'll drop this at the end of the month or not...

8. Last Twilight (8/12 on Youtube)

I got fucking emotional when Mhok read from The Little Prince and they had this whole big conversation through the book and I am in tears just thinking about it. The Little Prince is very special to me. The series is so soft and so good! The friendship that they build up, the trust between them, the looks, the tension! I love it! And Mhok is the biggest green flag, disguised as a red flag ever! He is the warmest person ever!

9. Pit Babe (7/13 on Youtube)

Ladies and Gentlemen! We have an Omegaverse! I am still in shock! I usually don't dive into the omegaverse, but I did read some webtoons. I am curious how they'll play it out. What the hell was this conversation about wanting kids? Is there mpreg? Why do I have to think about such stuff... It would be something different indeed. But perhaps they wanted to have some fun with us...

10. Playboyy (6/14 on Gaga)

I am intrigued! I needed to call my best friend and tell her about what I have seen. Not just the amount of sex and masturbation and wet dreams, but the way it is filmed. I am intruígued! It looks like a romantic dream combined with porn. It is so artsy and it feels like watching a ballet. In it the dance explains the plot and here the sex, the camera, the lightning and everything around the plot describe the plot. It is so good!

11. Sahara Sensei to Toki-kun (3/8 on Gaga)

Toki is a little bit over the top for me, a little bit too goofy, but the obverall first impression was not that bad. And to be honest who didn't have a crush on a teacher during their school time? Mine was my german teacher in 10th grade. He was young and he wore leather pants. He was cool and really good at his job. I loved learning at that time.

12. The Sign (6/12 on Youtube)

I am already in love with this series! Mystical elements, a good chemistry between the actors, some fighting, naked men... What else could I wish for... Oh yeah, and an accidental kiss 😂 But I still enjoyed it so much!

13. Twins (9/12 on Gaga)

I don't know what it is. The story is... nothing special. The acting is okayish. Sprite's/Zee's facial expression need some time to get used to. And yet, I like this show! It is one of my most anticipated watches of the week. I like First and I LOVE enemies to lovers 😅 It is one of my weak spots!

Finished in December

Series

1. Boys Like Boys (10/10 on Gaga)

This taiwanese dating show accompaniese eight men on their six days journey to find love. All the contestants were so lovable and nice and unique. I enjoyed this show very much! My romance-heart had been fed over the past weeks with this show and with the last episode it got a suger overdose 😅 Because this is a dating show and not a regular series, my rating is a little bit simpe. I liked it so it gets 10 out of 10 points.

2. Bake me please (6/6 on Gaga)

This series is so good! It gave me a good feeling over the weeks. Even though the drama in episode five was a little bit too manufactured and a bit too much, I enjoyed the show. It made my sundays something special and gave me a real warm feeling. I can just recommend it to watch (perhaps binge it while eating delicious cake and drink some hot chocolate). I will miss it! And I liked Ohm and Guide together! Peach was such a sweetheart and his smiles made me smile. Guy... I loved you, than I hated you and in the end I just liked you... You lost me in episode 5... Because it made me feel so good, I give it a 10 out of 10.

Movie

Short Film

Dropped/On-Hold in December

Looking forward to in December

I Feel You Linger in the Air Special: Scent of Memory - Trailer (Dec 17th)

Cherry Magic - Trailer (Dec 9th)

It's complicated - Trailer (Dec 14th)

Colorful Melody - Trailer (Dec 16th)

Dead Friend Forever - DFF - Teaser (Dec 23rd)

BL Drama no Shuen ni Narimashita: Crank Up Hen (Dec 24th)

1626 (Dec 24th)

Wuju Bakery - Teaser (Dec)

Night Dream - Teaser (Dec)

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lonestardust · 4 months

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hey guys, hi friends, how are you? I miss you. and i miss being here. This was supposed to be a "2023 is over, here is a summary" post but this is just a life update.

TW : wound (⚠️ it's gnarly, ok)

I know I've been MIA for the past two and half months, I've been struggling to write this post. I don't sleep well and I've lost weight. I've been struggling to sit and write about how I'm personally doing. Unable to express personal thoughts. Maybe because I'm the least important thing to me now. All I know is the gut wrenching screams of bleeding Falasteen. I can only tune in that collective suffering. That's where I belong. That's every human being's duty. June Jordan is right "Palestine's liberation is a litmus test of morality" I'll always go back to that quote because so many are failing it. So many disappointed me. It's like they made their humanity crumble into irrelevance the moment they reveled that showing up for humanity is optional and conditional depending on how comfortable and relevant it is to the white western values.

But simultaneously I've been feeling the tourniquet salvaging the wound. The strife for liberation is well and alive. Liberation and Decolonization had become mainstream concepts and practice (although some are still struggling to stay fully principled away from normalization but it's happening!). Like all arabs. I grew up watching the dead kids. The slingshots and rocks combating massive occupation tanks. I grow up haunted by the assassination of 11 year old Mohammed Al-Durrah, by Naji El Ali's Handala being a signature graffiti art in random streets, knowing that Israel assassinated Naji because he was a Palestinian artist. A truth teller. I grow up witnessing how they bulldozed 23 year old Rachel Corrie. I think often of Rayan Suleiman from last year. still haunted by his big rounded brown eyes — this 7 year old, chased by the terrorist zio occupation forces that he fell to the ground and died of a cardiac arrest. A 7 year old. His body shut down. Fear transcended his fragile anatomy that it shut down and died. I'll never forget the photo of his little body surrounded at the funeral by his friends. A bunch of 7 year olds. Starring into the void. not able to process what's happening because it's such an absurd concept. Kids consoling kids. My head hurts witnessing extermination campaigns and mass graves, and maimed bodies beyond recognition — WHOLE full fledged lives turned into literal dust. For 84 days straight now.

My brain, soul, spirit, psyche will never ever be the same again. And I pray this horror dig itself in the depth of the bones of the entirety of the fascist zionist world and their systems and fuel us to take action and never go back to statue quo!

On another note, I've had a quite terrible accident. A deep second degree burn as you can see. Accidentally spilled boiling water directly from a pot on the stove all over my left thigh. The pain is terrible obviously and I caught a really bad flu on top of it in the first couple of days because i wasn't able to cover it, wear pants or properly cover myself while I'm sleeping. So I've been bed ridden, bone-tired with fever and a massive wound.

Day 4 Day 7

Mind you this happened the day before i was supposed to start a new teaching job. Obviously wasn't able to show up and that was a bummer because i needed that job. desperately so and not just financially, I couldn't and can't handle anymore the anger, grief and anxiety pressuring my nervous system. I needed to start that new job immediately to refocus my daily life on a track again just to gain a routine so i could cope. Usually between jobs when I'm unemployed I thrive in doing nothing but my fan hobbies. Art, fandom and creating make my life so rich I could never get bored but in times like these "balancing grief and joy" is NOT an option.

And here is a thing. Because I've seen many many fucked up self-centred individualistic takes coming from white liberals telling us how we should feel (they always feel entitled, don't they), like the irony in the colonial paradigm harming us then offering us their therapy as the solution, coming with "protect your energy", "choose peace", "practice daily masturbation to relieve the stress of what's happening" (yes I watched this being directly and openly suggested on a panel about Palestine) imagine fucking telling somebody to go finger themselves and masturbate the stress of a GENOCIDE away.

The strangest manifestation of the white "self care" industrial complex, where people think they can therapize their way out of colonial mental consequences of bearing witness and being complicit in genocide. Maybe we're not meant to cope with this because it's literally beyond comprehension. Insane pathological narcissistic behaviour to think it's even a goal to feel good right now- if you want to"feel good" your only goal should be mobilising and organizing for revolution through action to destroy and dismantle the imperialist systems, to never go back to status quo!

On the physical aspect. I've been lucky, my dad has been taking care of me, taking me to the hospital visits, paying for my meds, cooking for me and all. And as I sit here, healing and being taken care of, I can't stop thinking of how I have resources, I have a roof over my head, warplanes are not buzzing in my ears 24/7, I get to sleep in my bed. I'm injured and I'm healing, able to sedate the pain with medicine. Can use the bathroom because there is water. But Palestinians in Gaza do not have any of that. None. Kids have their limbs amputated without anaesthesia amid ongoing denial of medical supplies into the strip. Some of them die of pain during that deadly surgical intervention. It makes me sick to my stomach. And I don't know what else to say tbh. I just know we live in a world that has no red lines and we can't continue to exist like that. Empire shall fall.

I genuinely don't know what to say, new year spirit and holidays mean nothing to me. My only new year resolution is to never again get numbed by the Empire. If standing for the lives of people of colour and their liberation is radical in a cesspool of white supremacy and imperialism, so radical it is.

I hope you're doing fine though. i hope you're well and okay. and to be honest I don't have it in me to ask about the fandom and how is it going.. It's probably going, I'm just not there at the moment. But i want to hear from you. How's life lately? What have you been up to? Also I am sorry if you've been tagging me in wips, games or sending me asks, I am genuinely sorry if I did not reply, I promise i see it and appreciate it ❤️‍🩹 I appreciate the special friendships and bonds I've formed in this fandom here, especially this year, and I don't wanna feel like I'm losing that.

#about me #life update

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jinlizz-dragondrama · 4 months

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Chapter 15

I am Robot

*2 years later in SpongeBob Narrator voice*

"Phew, finally, I'm finished," I say, exhausted and wiping the sweat off my forehead, leaving a grease smear on my forehead.

I added the finishing touches to my science project, thankfully I was able to use Donnie's lab uninterrupted....well mostly uninterrupted. Donnie was very nosey in trying to figure out what my project was.

*Flashback*

1 year ago

"So Aqua, about that project of yours since you won't tell me about your senior science project I've come up with plenty of ideas to power-"

"No thanks got it covered," I say while adding some adjustments to my blueprints*

1 year 4 months ago

"Can I just have a little peak, please...I'll-I'll let you use my tech bo..."

"Really?" I quickly drop some scrap metal onto the floor and rush over to him with my eyes sparkling with excitement

"Maybe I was being a bit hast-"

"No can do Don Tron," I say uninterested, and picking up the discarded metal.

1 year 10 months ago

"Pleeeeeeeeease, the suspense is killing me"

I giggle, and continue to use a welding Torch once I'm finished with that section I remove my safety shield from my face and look over at him.

"You'll have to see it with everyone else"

"But I'm more special than everyone else so that makes me first in line to see this very intriguing and unknown invention of yours"

"Sorry, Dee I haven't broken now, what makes you think I'll say yes now?"

"Well it's scientifically proven mostly from the data I collected over the years from Leo that if you keep asking eventually the person will give up and do what is being asked of them," Donnie says

"Uh-huh, well I think that the great Donnie can't handle a bit of pestering from his brother.

Donnie splutters and crosses his arms, mumbles to himself as he walks out of his lab.

Literally this morning

I'm sleeping and having a very interesting dream, then I hear Donnie's voice whisper to me.

"You should let Donnie help you with your project, with his genius brain and your equally genius brain. You will be the best team to ever walk to earth. EVIL LAUGH"

I wake up, feeling headphones on my ears and a cassette player attached. I rip it off and throw it out of my curtain door.

"Are you serious Donnie!" I shout while throwing it and it hits Donnie square in the face.

I hear a pained groan from the other side and I turn over in my bed and go back to sleep.

*End of Flashback*

"Ugh with how poor April's past and present science fair projects went I'm glad I was able to keep Donnie away" I yawn again

I push the button on my inventions and it turns into its incognito mode which is a tung mode. I place it on my middle finger on my left hand. Making sure to clean up my mess after using Donnie's lab for 2 years it was pretty much my second room but I made sure to keep it clean and organized. Once I was finished cleaning up I decided to grab a bowl of cereal before I made my way to school with April.

Stepping into the kitchen I'm greeted by Leo and Raph fighting over the last box of cereal that they like and Donnie drinking a cup of coffee with a complete crossword puzzle in front of him. I roll my eyes and expertly avoid the scuffle, as I reach for my brand of cereal a plate of pancakes is placed in front of me. Turning to see Mikey holding the plate, I gladly accept it, hop into my chair at the breakfast table, and start to eat.

"How long did it take for you to complete it this time?" I ask while blowing on my pancakes

"About a minute," He says without looking up from his phone

"Nice new record," I say

"Scoff I would have finished faster if those dunderheads weren't so loud" Donnie retorts

"No fair, why does she get pancakes?" Leo asks, Raph shoves him away and pours the cereal into his bowl while Leo is distracted.

"For one, You don't have a big presentation this morning, two breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and three Donnie helped make these so they are extra special.

Donnie spits his coffee which splatters all over his crossword puzzle and starts to choke. Mikey shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.

"Oops my bad it was supposed to be a surprise"

Once Dinnie recovered he gave Mikey such a look that if it could kill him it would and probably the people around him too.

"Thanks, Dee, they're really good" I smile and finish up my last pancake

"Don't mention it" he says as he cleans up his coffee mess.

"Ooooo Donnie is in-" Leo starts to say but it is cut off by Raph smacking him on the back of his head

"What?" Leo says annoyed

"Spider" Raph answers

Mikey comes over to me giggling and shows me pictures of Donnie making the pancakes with one of his inventions and it mixed too much causing batter to explode everywhere, another picture of both Mikey and Donnie covered in batter, then the last picture was of Donnie plating the pancakes. It warmed my heart and brought a blush to my cheeks thinking about him trying his hardest to cook for me.

Washing the dishes in the sink Leo comes over and rests his arm on my shoulders.

"Listen you have nothing to worry about you've got me the best wingman for these kinds of things. All you have to do is imagine that everyone is in their underwear" Leo says

"That never works and you better not cause a scene at my school Leonardo Hamato!" I say while bending one of Leo's fingers backward causing him to tap on the counter signaling that he has given up.

"Oooooo government name," Mikey says teasing

"Look at the time, gotta get ready to meet you guys at the school" I shout as I run to my room.

After a quick shower, I brush my teeth, comb my haur put it into a bun, put on some black leggings with Jean shorts over it and a flowy purple shirt with puffed sleeves. Grabbing my back pack, stuffing my blue prints, phone, homework and snack I head out of the lair entrance. Seeing April we high five and chat as we walk to school.

We go our separate ways, I head to the gym to see up my section for the science fair, after am hour of setting up it was finished, fiddling with the rung nervously I sigh to myself and go over my speech flashcards.

"Hey, Y/N!" I heard a voice say

I jump a bit and turn around, seeing a fellow classmates bit not being able to remember his name I smile and wave.

"Hey, you all set with your project?" I ask

"Yep finished it last minute though" male classmates says.

"Of course you did" I laugh

"Hopefully those big shot scientists pick you to join their program. You deserve it the most." He says

"Oh no I don't think I deserve it, I tried just as hard as everyone else" I say the last part slowly as I see someone with a volcano project and I laugh awkwardly.

The doors are pushed and in walks the gang in their surface attire looking like average teenagers....well as average as possible. April follows in as well and look at my presentation white board and poster boards. I made sure not to have anything that explained what my project was exactly only the materials and the type of power source it uses.

"You got this, cuz if they don't pick you I'll have no choice but to write an article on how they made the wrong choice" April says while pushing her glasses closer to her face.

"Stop April keep the articles for the real stories" I punch her gently in the shoulder.

"You guys look around, I'm gonna set uo backstage" I start walking towards the stage

"Say uh Donnie I think you should go help Y/N" Raph says awkwardly

"Yea Dee just in case there is an electrical problem or something. She'll need your expertise" Mikey says while gently shoving him in my direction

"Yea go get em, cuz if you dont I will'" Leo says

"Leo!" Raph and Mikey whisper shout

Donnie makes his way to the stage he sees me and clears his throat.

"So about that Valcano"

I snort and laugh uncontrollably and he soon joins in.

"If, If they pick that person I swear I will just die" I wipe a tear from my eye and play dead.

"No, you have so much to live for pfft" he says while chuckling and playfully shaking my shoulders.

"You came at the perfect time if you would, can you be my dj for my presentation?" I ask with puppy eyes

"I am at your serve my liege" Donnie says while bowing and activating his battle shell and it turns into a dj turntable. It funny seeing him do that with how tall he is now, every year that I catch up to him he grows a few inches taller and that used to make me so mad but I got over it. Besides its funny watching him bump into low bearing ceilings.

We high five and go back to join everyone else. We see the big shot Technical Science CEO's appear in the gym, Donnie starts fan girling super hard. I pull out one of my fans and start to fan him as April rolls her eyes.

"I have so many questions I have to ask" Donnie says while pulling out his phone and his pupils were shaped like stars.

"Donnie chill this is Y/N's moment you can fan girl later"

Soon the science fair begins and each person presents their project. The people with bigger projects get to show them off the stage. I place my ring on the table where my display is at. My name was called, I take a deep breath and exhale. Donnie places a comforting hand on my shoulder, I give a quick nod as I head to the stage.

*Insert Big hero size Hiro microbots presentation, ifykyk*

"Hey everyone so I hope you're ready for your mind to explode!" I say while tapping a small circular communication device that on my temple. Donnie starts the music and the strobe lights start to circle around the room until the land on to my table.

It activates my ring and it transforms into a suit of armor. *Insert transformers, transformation sound and it stomps its way towards the stage. If you had a glass a water the steps were definitely causing ripples in the liquid. It jumps into the air I outstretched my arm to the sky, the armor separates into different sections and we become one. Soon I'm coveted from head to toe in the purple and black colored armor. Pulling out my iron fans as targets appear around the gym. I throw my fans and they turn into boomerangs of mass destruction slicing and dicing the targets, as the broken bits shoot into the air, I have my laser sight lock onto them pieces, as I shoot non lethal ammo at them and the target pieces disintegrate into dust. Commanding the suit to fly with another tapbst my temple I soar over the heads of the student body, doing a couple flips and tricks for good measure. As I land and pop open my face mask.

"Of course I can't fully show you its full potential here, but I made a comprehensive easy to understand video explaining what it can do. Plays the movie and lets it explain and shows little cartoon shorts of it capabilities.

Super shock-absorbing gel that spreads impacts across the whole armor and might even convert the kinetic energy into power for the suit.

The armor is a life support system and protects against radiation, biological threats, chemical attacks, corrosion, electricity and kinetic attacks.

Hand to hand fight pattern analyzer

A rocket booster to fly into space

Radiation absorption and decontamination

Protective force field

Stealth technology

And last but not least it powered by my mutant energy. But that's for me to know and them to never find out. Hopefully this information won't bite me in the butt later.

Once I'm done with my presentation the room erupts into cheers. I get congratulated by everyone and I smile brightly and deactivate the armor so it goes back to its ring mode.

"That's my bitch!" Cass shouts

I look in the direction of the shout and see Cass being pulled away by Papa Lui and Papa Brutus.

"Get your hands off of me, I want to congratulate her on totally winning this thing."

"Keep it down, she isn't supposed to know we are here" Papa Lui says quietly

"That's our girl" Papa Brutus says proudly

I smile to myself, I'm happy they came and I've forgiven them. I know that they had nothing to do with what happened to me with Draxum.

"Listen kid you can make it big at my company with that invention of yours" One of the CEO males says

"No way she'd be much better at an all female work environment where her work will actually be appreciated" The female CEO states

"Well let's let the young lady decide foe herself" The last male CEO says

"Here's our contract! Have a look and get back to us!"

The gang comes out of nowhere and I get hugs all around but Donnie reached me first and hugged me tightly.

"I'm so proud! I think I might....*sniffles* give me a minute" Donnie says while turning away and sniffling a bit

At the corner of my eye I see someone that looks familiar, once I turn my attention to it I see it's the woman from my dream. Everyone's voices around me start to lower and lower until they were nothing but a whisper.

"Mom?" I say quietly

I push through the crowd trying to get to the woman. I reach out for her sleeve but I pushed away by the crowd.

"Wait mom...." I shout

Once I get to where I last saw her I see nothing but an empty hallway, i look down at the floor Sadly and see a beautiful decorative hairpiece comb, it's silver with a purple flower ornament on it. I pick it up, I have a strong feeling that it belonged to her, playing it gently into my hair. I take one last look around for her and I turn around walking back into the gym.

*Not long after*

"I've done what you've asked of me" Thecwoman says quietly while handing the blueprints over

"Very good, you've done well" A voice says

"You still promise not to hurt her"

"As long as you do what we ask, no harm will come to your daughter"

A tear falls down the woman's face as she stares at a picture and places it on her heart.

Silent evil chuckling can be heard from the hull of the ship.

It sails through the open galactic skies and disappears into the hyperspace void.

#rottmnt #rottmnt donatello #rise donatello #rottmnt x reader #rise donnie #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt fanfiction #donnie x reader

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kholran · 6 months

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Twenty questions for fic writers

Tagged by @lucientelrunya Thank you friend!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

219,573

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Only DMBJ right now, but I have written for The Hobbit and Les Mis in the past.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I Will Go Now To My Pyre (254)

And Here My Troubles Begin (246)

When the Stars Align (212)

I Get By (211)

Skin Deep (197)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Sometimes I am Very Bad at remembering to do it, and I end up replying like months later. But I value every single comment I get, and I want to let the commenter know that I'm grateful they took the time to not just read but say something.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmm... I always try to end on a hopeful note, if not an outright happy one. I did write a Barduil (The Hobbit) ficlet here on Tumblr where the reveal is angsty, so I guess that one.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Again, I usually try to end in a happy place. I guess I'll say Ordinary World, because (spoiler alert) the world is saved, the 'ships are all together, and everyone is content.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really. I did get one comment on an unfinished fic where the person made an (incorrect) assumption of where it was going, and then judged the fic based on that assumption. IDK if they actually made it to the end when it *was* finished. They never did comment again.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yep, I do. Usually as part of a larger plot/story. I don't really like writing smut just for smut's sake. But as long as there's some plot around it, then I don't shy away from it.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

In the traditional sense of the word (characters from one thing meeting characters from another thing) then no. I'm not a big fan of that, either writing or reading. But I LOVE me a good fusion fic, and I've written many of those. I'd say the Les Mis/Les Amis Titanic fic is the "craziest" but it's not a crackfic by any means.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Hmm I don't think so?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I used to do a ton of forum-based RP, which is basically just collaborative writing. If you look closely, you can still see that influence. I tend to write from the POV of one character at a time, although now I'm writing all of the characters myself, and only switch when there's a natural break/need to change.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

That I've written? RiSang, hands down. But I also have a ton of favourite ships that I've never written for. I think maybe Alucard/Integra (Hellsing/Ultimate) is at the top of that list? It's been one of my faves for a very long time, in any case. As has Zechs/Noin (Gundam Wing). And honourable mention to Weilan (Guardian) and Wenzhou (Word of Honour) for being more recent, but consuming my every brain wave ever since I watched those shows.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

The Weilan mermaid AU I still have sitting in my laptop's Docs folder. I had the whole thing planned out but then RiSang happened and that's all I've been able to focus on writing ever since.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm pretty good at setting scenes? Like the atmosphere and setting, and who the characters are in the particular universe I'm writing at the time.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Abuse of adverbs and em-dashes, but you can pry both of those out of my cold dead hands. Oh also natural dialogue. I am an awkward human person who can't carry on a conversation to save my life and it shows.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Dialogue, not so much. I will occasionally use a word, phrase, or title (like Fuguan or Tianzhen or Heipaoshi) if it's something I'm sure is common knowledge of the fandom, but apart from French, I'm not fluent enough in any language to trust my ability to write realistic and grammatically correct dialogue in it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

When I was in like fifth grade, I was obsessed with Baywatch (don't judge me). So me and my friend made original characters and wrote out like little stories about them and the show's characters hanging out.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I think my favourite has to be Pyre. RiSang got me back into writing after I had a massive confidence crash and spent 5 years not writing anything. I'm also very proud of Ordinary World. It's my longest fic to date, and, in my own humble opinion, one of the tightest plots I've ever written. I can reread it and not be bored, even though I wrote it.

Tagging: @merinnan @hils79 @xantissa @eirenical @saxgoddess25 and uhhh @amidalogicdive (Only if you want to! No pressure!)

#things i'm tagged in #writer things

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kadoodles-on-ao3 · 11 months

Note

Hey there!! Thank you for the kind ask (this is Zanthe's "Main" blog) I didn't want to reply to it directly because i'd like to keep it in my inbox to treasure, but I wanted to say thank you. It truly means a lot!

We are 🤝 over rarepairs in this tiny little fandom, though I do admit I love the anonymity nowadays! I've been here for years and it's very comfortable and nice being an older, more obscure artist lol.

I do recommend at the very least, sitting down and writing down your amv ideas. There are many i've never drawn, but i have a ton written down to chip away at the day I have the energy to, and it's very good to keep those ideas with you, i hope you're able to realize them one day, I'd love to see them!

Also, I'm glad my checklist can be of help!! If you're curious, it took about 4 days to make it, in which i was completely hyperfixated on it!spreadsheets my beloved. Good luck on your project!! If you'd ever like to chat, feel free to send a message ^w^ have a lovely day

Oh!! Of course, I'm glad it made you happy! To hear you liked it so much you want to preserve it is really touching and made me smile, thank you! :>

(I hope it's alright that I'm replying to your ask directly, if not let me know and I'll take this down and copy-paste what I said below to you in a DM if you'd like!)

Haha it's really true that rarepair fans are like their own group that crosses fandoms and/or specific ships, a little subculture inside a subculture of a subculture :)

I definitely can't blame you for not wanting a lot of attention since I feel the same way, I'd be terrified to be a big name haha.

Oh I really appreciate the advice! The fact that you think my ideas are worth preserving is very kind of you haha :) I'm very much the type who gets random inspiration at 3 AM or while eating dinner, and would otherwise forget my epiphanies if I didn't write them down. So ever since I was a kid I made a habit of it! Although back then I used pencil and paper haha, but now I have a 22-page-long semi-organized google doc. The AMV outlines are in there somewhere! Knowing there's even one person out there who wants to see something I've made or plan to make is an incredible feeling, thank you so much ;v;

Anyway, how did you learn to animate and make AMVs? And what drawing software do you use? If you don't mind me asking of course!

Oh thank you again for that checklist!! Wow 4 days seems like nothing compared to how extensive it is, that's amazing! I've been working on my own Xenoblade excel sheet project for a long time now, and it took me months and months to get that near completion. But if you're much better at organizing/planning than I am it saves a ton of time, I went through like 3 major restructurings of stuff that took days to finish... only to redo everything like a week later haha

And you're also very kind to read my silly tags and wish me luck on my project!! (It's a different one from before haha, that one is a comprehensive list of when all the party members' and bosses' voice lines play and under what circumstances. I'll be making it public on the upcoming anniversary!) For this other one, it's a challenge run of XC1 of sorts! But I have a dumb irrational fear that if I go into detail about what it is, someone else will swoop in before I get a chance to do it myself and take the world-first credit of it hahaha. But one day I will do it, I really want to, and your checklist will be immensely super helpful in planning my route and keeping track of everything, so thank you again! And thank you again (again) for this wonderful message, it really brightened my whole day! :))

#ask #i am once again nervous at intimidating the poor people who send me asks by typing a novel in response #but at the same time unable to stop myself lol #every time i get an ask it makes my day though!!#especially one as long and as kind as this one!! and from someone whose art i've loved for so much time as well!! :)

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biancababar · 8 months

Text

5 months later...

Sometimes you get to think of someone who's part of a past memory and you have this question to yourself on how were you able to surpass or overcome this?

You once loved and know so much about this person but one day all of it disappeared and it all disappeared in front of me.

I just can't believe it that I was able to love him so purely and all that I do is give him true love and honesty.

After a few months have passed, I still think I love this person but not the same way as I used to.

Maybe I loved him too much to a point that it's now hard for me to open myself and love someone new.

After 5 months, it's my first time writing something about him again but this time it's me realizing how the love you have for someone doesn't easily go away in an instant.

You can love someone even though you don't talk to them anymore or you don't keep in touch with them.

I just pray for him all the best in life and I hope he learned from the things that we've experienced.

I hope he still finds love and happiness from someone that's deserving of him. I can still see that he has a chance to change. I hope he grabbed the opportunity to change.

I'm thankful for the 4 years that we've been together and I hold our experiences and love close to my heart even though it's been damaged.

I can't 100% say that I love him but I know deep inside of my heart that I still even a little bit because I don't want anything bad to happen to him despite the things that we've been through.

I want him to feel happy once and for all. I hope there are still people who got his back whenever he needs. It's not too late to change ethan.

You still have time to be a better person and I hope this time you won't do the same things that you did before.

I hope you were able to reflect on what you did in the past. I'm sorry if I was angry and I did impulsive things that contributed to ruining your image.

I take responsibility for that but I won't take what I did back. I already did the damage and I'm sorry if that hurted you.

I don't know if I'll ever get an apology from you or what but I know deep in my heart that I can forgive someone even though they don't ask for any forgiveness.

I just hope if ever I see you sometime, let's greet each other maybe with a nod or a smile. I think that's a better way to acknowledge everything that we shared with each other. The love we once had and now it's just something that's part of our core memories.

This is me and my road to my self-love. I hope you also love yourself. Thank you for all the memories and yes, I acknowledge that you were part a huge of my teenage years.

You'll always be my first love and my greatest heartbreak.

- Babs

March 16, 2023 (Thursday)

1:07am

#goodbye #heartbreak #self love #SoundCloud

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tvdsure · 2 years

Text

i. habits of my heart

paring : eren x reader, levi x reader, (used in past tense) armin x reader.

trigger warning : after birth depression… i think that’s it. no sexual scenes.

summary : reader had a kid at twenty two and between trying to take care of elena and her unsupportive mother she just wants to give up.

honestly, i think this deals with a story more of my usual love one shots. i hope you like it + it’s heavily unedited i’ll come back later cause its 4 am.

so many people let me believe that i'm worthless. that i mean nothing beyond the amount money i make, or how smart i am, or how i dress. their words will forever stick with me. i'll always remember that no matter how hard i try, people have it harder and still go further that i ever can.

because if my mother doesn't love to remind me of it i don't know who does. which is exactly what she's doing right now. at a dinner. with my friends, no less.

"and if she'd just went that extra year, she'd be much better than she is right now. oh how i wish she had listened to us back then. instead she has a child..." i block her words out. i fought her endlessly on this, more than i can remember. thankfully, she never mentions elena in bad blood, she loves her, but the way she explains my pregnancy is more than enough to know she doesn't love me.

"thank you, mum." i interrupt halfway through her speech (that has switched to another subject).

"honey, you haven't even had dessert." i shrug, grabbing the two girls and we all get up.

"next time. thanks." she gets up, allowing clara and mary clean up the table as she walks us out. we were already finished eating but we were about to have dessert.

"thank you for having us, ms. ellison." she smiles, kissing the girls cheeks and then mine, but not before whispering something in my ear.

"don't interrupt me again, darling." i nod once and walk out while waving goodbye to her. once the door is closed i feel so much better.

"god," i groan, "that's was horrible." mikasa and annie face me sympathetically. i shake my head quickly as we all get into the car.

"no! don't look at me like that. i hate it already, i don't need sympathy." they both look at each other before nodding. "where do you wanna go? cause i haven't eaten a single thing that was served and i really need a change of scenery."

"yn..." i groan, knowing that means they can't go out. "i'm sorry! me and armin haven't seen each other for weeks and they're finally back from tour." my head perks up at the new announcement.

"they're back from tour?" mikasa nods and i start to drive.

"yeah. eren just texted me an hour ago. he's waiting back home." i smile, knowing how much elena adores eren, they've connected in a way no one else was able to reach her and i love that. monster because her own father doesn't have that connection with her.

"speaking of," annie starts and i immediately shake my head, knowing where this is going. "come on, yn, tim has to see her. it's been a month. he's her father, too, you know." if there's anything i despise, it's giving my daughter away for a whole week to her dad.

"tim texted me yesterday." my bottom lip is pulled in between my teeth. i know their reaction.

"yn!" they both shout and i park the car silently. i'm about to shut off the car before annie, from the backseat, presses my shoulders down. "we'll literally dismember you. he needs to see his daughter, it's not fair on him for you to do this." i sigh, knowing she's right.

"okay okay. i'll call him tonight." they both seem satisfied because we're finally out of the car and i get to see my daughter.

i check my phone for any text messages before getting consumed with elena and the band since they're back. apparently everyone texted me. i've had my phone on focus mode.

( 4 49 ) armin : hey pretty

i've missed you

we're here, can you guys answer the door

damn it i think we woke elena up

sorry, see you when you get back

( 4 55 ) jean : ynnn, we're outside

we're waiting and i don't like it

please answer the door for the love of god

eren just informed me that we are bothering

you while you're at your mother's

sheesh, have fun (haha as if)

( 5 03 ) 'we own a house' groupchat :

eren : y'all are so annoying someone open the door

armin : i think they're out

jean : i don't care, someone better let us in

connie : why are we texting here when we're two feet from one another?

eren : so that the girls could answer while we're suffering

historia : i’m not home

eren : clearly. if you were, your ears would be blessing by now

sasha : you’re all so annoying, the sparks key is tied under the mailbox

armin : that’s really smart guys

sasha : it’s was mikasa’s idea

eren : liar. i saw a tiktok about it.

historia : just open the damn door and shut up already

( 6 14 ) mum : you guys left so fast

what's wrong? is it elena?

call me when you're home.

( 6 20 ) lilly : im coming back to nyc tomorrow

can i stay over? it'll be fun. please.

i haven't seen you in agesss

the latest message, from lilly, gets me excited and i smile. while i attempt to text her back, my body crashes onto someone else and i’m almost positive i’ll be falling any second now. until i don’t.

eren yaeger.

“hey.” he barely lets out, letting go of me completely. he’s changed in the span of three weeks. he’s gotten taller, i think, and his hair looks… his eyes, his clothes… too much. he’s too much.

i can’t do this right now.

“hi. have you seen elena?” he nods, looking me up and down and i feel myself shy under his gaze.

“uh yeah, i put her in her room, she was asleep on the couch when we got home.” i nod and start to walk away. i know we have a lot to talk about, i know that, but i can’t do it right now.

“armin!” i smile once i’m greeted with the whole band as well as the girls sitting together. he quickly comes over to me, pulling me into a tight hug, swirling me around and i laugh a little. “i’ve missed you so much.” he nods, agreeing as he hugs me a little tighter.

“come on, armin. you’re hogging her.” i laugh at jean’s comment and let go of the hug with armin and instead jump into the slightly taller man’s arms.

“you guys have been gone for too long.” i say, letting go of jean and greeting the rest. connie, erwin and levi.

levi is their manager. and an amazing one at that. i don’t know what erwin is to the band but he’s everywhere they are so i don’t really question it. besides, he gives the best advice.

someone taps my shoulder from my behind and for a second i’m afraid it’s who i think it is. but it’s hange. i attach my self to them and they hug me back even tighter.

“how have you been? where’s my little sunflower?” they ask and i smile, knowing how much they love elena.

“she’s asleep. i’m good. i missed you too much though.” they smile, kissing my cheek.

“i’ve missed you even more.” and just like that we’ve all fallen back into routine.

me, armin, and sasha are on the white couch, my legs dangling on the blond’s hips as he bounces his slightly for my satisfaction. jean, connie and historia are on bean bags. hange and levi are on the chair in the kitchen (which is open so they’re practically sitting with us). eren, mikasa and annie are talking together.

they’re mostly sharing stories of the tour and what happened. i didn’t really have time to watch it, which is disappointing, but they aren’t leaving any details out.

“i’m glad you guys had fun.” historia smiles at armin and jean who immediately start ranting about it again. i love hearing these stories, even though they make me wish i can get away from here one day, i love knowing my friends have found their purpose. that they’re happy.

“you tired?” armin whispers to me while everyone is consumed in their conversation. i nod a little, swinging my legs off of him and onto the floor.

“i’m gonna go to bed guys.” they all say ‘good night’ before i’m off to bed. not really. it’s more of watching elena sleep while i cry myself to a deep slumber.

once i’m at my room i finally take a deep breath, letting all my tears flow. there isn’t a specific reason why i feel… heavy. i just do. i always do. and while i know everyone down there would do almost anything for me, including comfort me, i can’t burden them with ‘postpartum depression’.

yeah, i’ve officially been diagnosed a few weeks after elena was born. the doctor said it wasn’t that serious, though. nothing dangerous or harmful to me or elena, just some mood swings here and there, panic attacks, crying randomly, intense irritation or anger. nothing a few pills couldn’t fix. so now, every night i’m supposed to take a fluoxetine.

it’s nothing, really, it’s just some depression. i can handle it, and i will. i just tend to cry a lot which i don’t think needs to be mentioned.

i take the pill, and then another one, before resting next to elena, smiling as i hug her closer to me. i never thought i could love someone so much but she’s only seven months and i already love her more than i’ve ever loved anyone in my twenty two years of living. she’s my heart and soul. she’s my everything.

#aot x reader #pregnancy tw #eren x reader #attack on titan eren #levi x reader #love story #snk eren

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corysmiles · 3 years

Note

Could you believe I actually am back with some Runnaway Experiment WRITING??? :D

This takes place very early on in the story, and gives some more insight into Tommy's life before they escaped (in the comics). Enjoy :D

-------

The experiment was growing years after years, to everyone’s delight. It seemed the first laboratorial human had a decent enough lifespan so that it could be studied in the long run. And so, 14 years, it has been since T0M saw the light of day, and it acted in a similar fashion a 14 year old human would. .

Of course, the many researchers failed to take in consideration an alteration of the most cumbersome. T0M looked human, could understand the english language, followed orders and didn’t complain, asked some questions but the specimen…. was big.

Too big to fit in a human bed.

Too big to fit comfortably in a room.

It went in spurts, which was terrifying the first time. It kept on growing and growing, as scientists hoped it wouldn't take long for it to stop, otherwise, it might lead to a lot of problems. But for the past 2 years, no noticeable change really occurred, which was a relief when the thing was already 25 ft tall. It never seemed to be challenging personality wise, which was a relief, but they still needed to keep him in line.

Hopefully, the Doctor Soot, as well as Doctor Puff took part in daily check ups and made sure he didn’t rebel.

So, every 2 day, they took turns to visit T0M in the room accustomed to its needs.

And both’s reports were excellent! T0M learned more while being as obedient and compliant as ever. Phil couldn’t be more happy with those results.

However, as time went on…. Wilbur failed to mention another kind of teaching he had going on with the subject for the past months.

“And this is called ‘Sadness’.” He held an A3 size paper with a moody smiley drawn on it, the word being written below. “It’s that feeling when our sessions are over and I have to go and you say ‘oh noooo’ in that voice.”

T0M was sitting on his knees in front of him, paying the utmost attention to what Wilbur was showing and saying.

“I hate that one.” He pouted.

“I know,” Wilbur chuckled. “No one likes to feel sad. But it’s a part of life.”

A single hum. Wilbur’s smile turned more sympathetic.

“Do you remember the other ones?” He stood up from his place and put the sheet in one of the dark grey metallic drawers.

T0M nodded, excitedly. He took his hand and poked his fingers as he counted. “ there’s “Happiness”, it’s the good one. And “Disgust”, it’s when I have to eat the weird green stuff.”

“Brocoli”

“That. And then there’s excitement, it’s when I smile real big because you come early.”

Wilbur clapped “Wonderful!” T0M’s eyes were shining stars at every approval from Doctor Soot. Even though T0M’s enjoyment was very appreciated and contagious, but it could be a bit… much, to handle at times.

“Since you understand the basics, I think it’s time for us to start a whole new lesson.” He clapped.

T0M gasped and cheered from the top of his lungs “YEAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!”, throwing his arms in the air and effectively making the room shake from the sheer volume of his voice. When he looked back at the scientist, his eyebrows were pinched and the brunette was covering his ears and curled up, almost in pain.

“...Doctor?” He brought his head close to the man who, after making eye contact, scrambled back until he hit the same drawer he put the papers in earlier. T0M looked at him confused, face still too big in Wilbur’s peripheral.

“I… Tom, I appreciate your enthusiasm when we do our lessons, but if you could prevent yourself from screaming, it would be nice.” He tried in the most gentle voice he could muster without it shaking.

“What’s screaming?” T0M asked, crouched so his face was almost on the ground at eye level with him. He brought a hand closer to the doctor who was still breathing heavily. When his head shot to look at the hand, his body on alert, he froze before saying.

“... Is it a moment when I can’t touch you?”

Wilbur’s eyes were locked on the now frozen hand for a good second before returning to T0M, nodding. “Uh, yeah.”

“... Okay.”

The hand retracted in the following seconds, and soon, he was back in his initial position.

The doctor thanked before regaining his composure. He looked back at T0M, and his expression held remorse. A guilt twisted Wilbur's guts at the view. Thing is, as T0M grew up, people quickly realised he was the equivalent of clingy. He would constantly grab people into hugs and had a hard time keeping his voice down which resulted in a large noise blocker investment. And so they had a rule. T0M couldn’t make any sort of physical contact with anyone without being given explicit permission first. Obviously, most workers considered T0M as a test subject and therefore, wouldn’t give him that pleasure.

Wilbur, though, was not in the same vein. Once he realised how empathic and emotional and human T0M was, he started teaching him things a human teen should need, and started giving him a sort of affection a human teen should have. Which included some sort of physical affection.

When T0M was sad, he would sit next to him or pat his back. It quickly evolved as Wilbur accepted being held by the boy and brought to eye level as long as he was careful when doing so, and ever later, they would hug and wilbur would try to brush his hair at times.

Still, that didn’t make him immune to any of T0M’s carelessness which’s consequences were amplified ten fold due to his scale.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked pitifully.

“I- no, it’s not your fault. It can just be a bit overwhelming is all.” Wilbur explained.

“... what does that mean?”

“It means… when something is ‘too much’. Like when you want to bring Techno very close, but he keeps reminding you about the rule.”

“Oh.” T0M let his head fall. “... I don’t like that.” Wilbur scratched his head. “I want to be so close and show that I’m very happy and it’s all inside and I can’t let it out.”

“Well, here, it’s a bit more of the opposite. When outside, there is a lot and you’re incapable of letting it in.”

“... I’m sorry Wilbur” he mumbled.

“It’s okay, I’m not angry.” reassured the brunette. “I just have sensitive ears.”

“...Everyone has sensitive ears.”

“Well, when you’re a small guy like me, you’re sensitive on pretty much all fronts.”

“... It’s not fair.”

“What’s that?” Wilbur perked.

“When I stop getting big and strong, I want to hug you with all of my will. Like you do with me. It feels nice. I want you to feel nice just like that. I want you to be overwhelmed with happiness. I want to hug you so, so bad but I can't and it's shit. I don't want to be strong, I hurt you if I’m strong. I want to hug you."

Tommy vented, more to himself, and when he looked at Wilbur, his eyes shined, not with joy.

"Oh Tommy…."

It ached. It ached Wilbur to his core that something as simple as a hug was something he craved and still couldn't get. Because he knew. He knew all of the things T0M was missing out on. All the life he could have lived if he was granted freedom. How much he could live and appreciate. It kept him awake at night.

But he was here. Trapped. In a room barely tall enough to contain him, treated like a circus monster. And the worst thing was, T0M wasn't aware of it. Of all the life he wasn't living. How his life was no life and how he thinks this absence of everything is what life should be.

Plato would probably laugh in his grave.

"I promise you. One day, you will be able to do that. I promise you that I'll find a way for you to hug me just like you are a small man too. I promise you that I'll make you discover all of those joys of life, Tom. I Promise you. I will help you. And I'm sorry for not being able to provide it sooner. And I'll apologize for all the years it took for me to get it."

They stared at each other, and Tommy nodded, throat tight and eyes wet.

"And a promise makes sure that it's gonna happen." T0M croaked.

"Exactly, tom." Wilbur smiled. "You are going to live many more things."

The bell rang, and both faces fell a bit.

"I'll see you in 4 days, Tom. We're gonna have a little recap over the emotions you learned and then I'll teach you about relationships."

"Oohh, that sounds nice! What is it?"

As Wilbur packed his little bag, he looked at T0M and simply replied "it's all around you. But I'm not gonna spoil the next session. On that note, I wish you a nice week, Tom."

"Have a nice week, Wilbur! " T0M waved with a smile. "It's nice talking to you."

"It is my absolute pleasure, Tom."

And thus, they parted. As Wilbur walked down the immense corridor (just tall enough Tom could run through them.) He wore a satisfied smile. His small steps resonated, the only sound in the room, yet peaceful enough for his ears to listen to them as carefully as silence. Halfway through, the sound was doubled.

"Helloooo."

"Oh, hey techno! How are you?"

"Doing fine. You seem very happy."

"I am. I made some good progress with T-he subject. I feel like he's learning well. The next tests should have fabulous results."

"Ahh, wonderful. Let's make sure it doesn't learn too much though." He joked.

And at that, Wilbur chuckled, his hand on the man's shoulder. "Oh don't you worry about that, my friend. I can assure you that'll never happen"

"Amazing" techno replied, deadpan. Both nodded their conversation away and walked the rest of their ways.

As he got further away, the doctor's smile turned to an amused grin. His steps resonated, so much smaller than what could be, in a corridor in which the boy just next door should walk through.

"Don't you worry about a single thing."

MEL YES I ADORE THIS AU SO MUCH ITS SO GOOD!!!!!!!!

Poor Tommy but at least Wilbur is helping him :”]

#runaway experiment au #melissas writing #mcyt g/t #mcyt gt #g!tommy #t!wilbur #YES YES TES #XJWJXJWNNX #SCREAMS AND YELLS AND CRIES #BUT IN A GOOD WAY #:D #I LOVEBTHSI AU

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mrs-tsunderemeitantei · 3 years

Text

DISCLAIMER: HUGE, LONG RANT AHEAD!

ALSO SPOILERS IN CASE YOU'RE NOT UP TO DATE WITH THE MANGA OR WITH ZERO THE ENFORCER!

Soo in case you missed it, Gosho released the SDB Justice Plus some time last month:

The biggest shocker was the answer to Question number 4, shown below:

Basically this translates to:

Q4: On the Mystery Train, he (Amuro) said to Miyano Shiho that “My comrades who are tracking us have made arrangements in order to retrieve you”, but were those comrades from PSB? If that’s the case, I’m curious about how he planned to deceive Vermouth...!

A: Those were comrades from the Black Organization, so there was no need to deceive them.

Ummmm...what??

Idk about y'all but when I read this, I was livid. It didn’t make any sense to me. And quite frankly, I didn't want it to. Maybe because I am one of those (very rare) people who thought Rei and Shiho could eventually end up together (Don't laugh, it would have made sense, and I'll write about that in a separate post).

Anywho, safe to say Gosho's latest confession left me in absolute confusion. Like why? Just why? Then I realised I'm more butt-hurt about this because I was fixated on a certain idea of Rei's character and chose to ignore his other sides, as if they didn't exist. It didn't help that his past is so freaking depressing which got me sympathizing with his character and led me to either ignore or make excuses for any red flags.

But now that I think about it, it sadly makes sense. It also explains why he didn't show any sadness or regret when he saw Shiho supposedly ‘die’ in the luggage cart in the Bell Tree Train Arc.

Now to let me wrap my head around this, I needed to breakdown his three "faces":

1. Amuro Tooru is a cheerful, friendly, generous, carefree, outgoing man.

2. Furuya Rei is a serious, law-abiding, calculating, patriotic police officer who is willing to die for Japan's security.

3. And Bourbon is a devious, manipulative, cunning, deadly agent.

Yet, ever since we found out he was in fact an NPA agent, we (or at least I), seem to have forgotten about those dark sides he possesses. Also with Zero's tea time showing us a softer side of his character it was easy to get caught up in "he's 100% one of the god guys" when in fact, he's a complex, grey character.

He has shown on multiple occasions, just how far he is willing to go, to achieve whatever goal he’s set his mind on. Let's not forget how in Zero the Enforcer, he completely flipped the switch. (I know this isn't Canon but...) The man went as far as to create a suspect and jail the innocent Mori Kogoro so he can legally investigate the case and emotionally manipulate Conan into unkowningly help with the investigation.

Also, in the Detective Nocturne’s case he deliberately didn’t tell Ran as soon as he noticed Conan might have been kidnapped by the criminal because he hadn’t finished investigating the apartment.

And in the Scarlet Arc, he was willing to harm Jodie's teacher friend, so he can lure out the FBI and advance his investigation on Akai’s death. Let’s not forget once he figured out the truth, he was willing to expose Akai’s fake death (which I get it he's out for revenge), but by doing so, he would have also gotten Kir killed (even though I'm pretty sure he knew at that point, she was in fact a NOC).

As we can see, be it Bourbon, Furuya Rei or Amuro Toru, he will stop at nothing to reach his goals, even if it means throwing innocent people under the bus. So, now when Gosho says his "partners" were in fact BO members and not the PSB, I'm no longer surprised.

I mean, why wouldn’t he sell Shiho back to the organisation? Because he knew she was Sensei’s daughter, and that should have meant something to him? Alright, let’s talk about that.

Did he love Shiho’s mum? Yes, he did, there’s no doubt about that (one of the reasons he joined the joined the police in the first place was to find her, so you can't convince me otherwise).

But what if he loved Japan even more? (It's not canon, but he did say in Zero the Enforcer that the safety of this country matters most to him, even if it means he’d end up paying with his own life).

So, I'm going to take a wild guess as to how he could have felt when he found out the woman he loved as his own mother, willingly joined the deadly organisation that threatened the safety of his country. Based on his memories, he remembered her encouraging her husband to join the Carasuma group.

So, if through his investigations, he was able to realise she is the same woman from his childhood, I’m pretty sure he would have been very disappointed. I’m not sure the extent of his knowledge about the drug, but if he also found out their research created the poisonous APTX-4869, I reckon it would be more reason for him to be upset.

Now let's talk about Haibara/Shiho. To any outsider who's unaware of the truth of her past, she is a woman born into the organisation, then was groomed and taught from a young age by the syndicate and promoted to take on their research. A research that produced a poisonous drug, just like her parents did. Also, she only ran away after the organisation killed her sister. Before that, she was a high-ranking member. With all these facts, why would he think of her as anything but a criminal just like the rest of the BO members? It’d be rather foolish for him to not hand her back to the organisation just because she is the daughter of the woman he once thought so highly of. If anything, he’d be killing two birds with one stone, by executing a criminal, while also gaining higher standing in the organisation.

As fans of Haibara, we are rightfully upset by his intentions of returning her to the organisation because we know her truth. He doesn't. It wasn't until we learnt more about her painful past and kind and caring nature that we grew to love her. We know she never wanted to create a poisonous drug. That she already hated the organisation for using the drug as a poison. That she had to develop the drug to protect Akemi’s life.

There is no way Rei would have known about any of the bullying she or her family faced from the BO. By nature, Shiho is very secretive and reserved and very little of her personality or history would have been known by any of the BO members (except maybe Gin). Therefore, apart from the files the BO would have kept on Shiho and her role in the organisation, that’s all Rei had to learn about her. So, I can’t really blame him for choosing to hand her back to the organisation.

Some people who are still in denial, argue that if he planned to kill Shiho, why was he willing to kill whom he thought was Vermouth instead of handing her over?

Shouldn’t that prove he was going to take Shiho to safety to the PSB, not the BO? Before Gosho's statement, I would have agreed but now...sigh. Now, I get why he did that. If Shiho were to die BEFORE she was returned to the organisation, he wouldn’t have gained the trust he was seeking. If she were to die AFTER he delivered her, I highly doubt it would have mattered to him. Although I'm still hoping he maybe he had a plan of not leaving her in the organisation's clutches after "handing her back" and he never truly intended on getting her killed. But since Gosho also said there was no need to deceive Vermouth, I highly doubt it. (Heart breaking).

After such an explanation, does everything make more sense now? Maybe. Am I ok with it? Hell no! I’m quite angry and annoyed that this is how things turned out to be, but it is what it is. We have to accept that Rei is not a good character, and he's not a bad character. He's a grey character and when you think of it that way, it's easier to understand his behaviour. Not that I agree with it. After Gosho's statement, I think pretty sure Rei is in dire need of some character development. He could stand to learn a thing or two from Conan who manages to reach his goals while preserving as many lives as possible (Akai's fake death being the burst example while managing to drive Kir back to the BO).

For now, I’m looking forward to the developments that will entail. I’m curious to see how Rei and Haibara will react once they eventually meet each other. It'll be interesting to see what will go through his mind once he figures out her true identity. One thing I'm sure of is once they're introduced to each other, emotions will be running high and things will get intense. Which honestly, I can't wait for and I'm counting down the days till I get a proper Amuro/Haibara interaction.

#shiho miyano #miyano shiho #haibara ai #ai haibara #sherry #furuya rei #rei furuya #tooru amuro #amuro tooru #bourbon #dcmk #case closed #detective conan #Detective Conan #elena miyano #miyano elena #vermouth

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pandora15 · 2 years

Text

long long rant below. sorry in advance xD

so i invited one of my friends from high school to join my orchestra.

ever since she joined she's been a really good addition to the group! she's been participating a lot and like making connections and even having some of her own arrangements performed in the small ensembles part of the concert.

she's been like really into it and i'm so glad to see that.

while all of this is happening, we realize pretty early on in the season that the violist we had from last season is not returning. i am both a violinist and violist and i had been playing violin for the orchestra up until this point because we were in more desperate need of violins than violas in the past.

now that we did have more violinists joining and literally 0 violas, we were facing a different problem.

meanwhile meanwhile, I got promoted from violin 2 to violin 1, which was really scary at first (and honestly still really scary because some notes are high)

but anyways, the friend I invited to the orchestra told me and our other friend about a really cool violin shop that she went to so the three of us decided to go there one weekend. my friend ended up buying a viola and i told her i'd give her tips and stuff. she said right then and there that she'd stick to playing the violin primarily and work on the viola as like a side thing.

which is valid, you know? i was pretty much like "yeah okay that makes sense. you're more familiar with violin."

anways, it was at that point that I went up to my orchestra director and said that we needed a viola player and that I can switch over from my recently hard-earned violin 1 status and play viola so that we have a more balanced sound.

I was kinda excited about it at first because it has been a while since I played viola in an orchestra and it would be a fun challenge to solo a part! and in some ways, it has been fun.

but all of the arrangements we play in the orchestra are created by people in the orchestra and while I've played a lot of really difficult classical pieces on the viola before, this is not as challenging as what i was playing on violin 1.

which you know is fine? i'm okay with playing viola for this concert, but I think I do want to be able to switch around sometimes. like it would be really nice if I could even play violin for a few pieces in this upcoming concert, but I'm not gonna hope for it to happen because at this point, we're less than two months away.

so anyways, my friend DMs me earlier today and she's like "hey you know I think I do want to try playing my viola for like one song during rehearsal"

and i was like (considering how i've been feeling about orchestra lately) "hey yeah that's cool! we could even switch parts for a song if you want"

and she's like "oooh yeah that would be fun! what song do you think i can try?"

and i go to the list of pieces we're playing for this concert and, knowing that she's very new to viola and is still figuring out how to read alto clef, I pick out one of the easier pieces that we're doing.

and she's like "okay nice! i'll start practicing."

and I thought that was that but then she's like "which piece do you ideally want to play on the violin? keep in mind that i'm partial to playing violin 2 for these pieces:" and then she literally lists out 3 of the most fun challenging pieces that we're doing.

(also keep in mind that we're literally doing 9 pieces total. she just eliminated 3 of the ones that I can play, so that brings my options down to 6. i already suggested one that she can play viola for, so that brings it down to 5. she's also singing choir for one of the pieces, so we can't switch for that piece. now i'm down to 4.)

one of the four remaining pieces is a weird brass-heavy jazzy choir piece that honestly has suck-ish string parts across the board. no point in wanting to switch for that one.

another other one is a really long piece that i actually did read the violin 2 part for in the past, but I know she's gonna struggle with the viola part given how long it is and everything.

Of these two, there's one that's kinda fun to play on the violin and (imo) still pretty fun on the viola! so I tell her that's the one I'd ideally like to play on violin if we do switch

and immediately she's like "ohhhh wait I like that one too"

"sorry"

and i pause and i'm like what the fuck you literally left me with no other options man

i'm offering to do this switch for you. i originally switched to viola for the group, not for me. you're the one asking me if you can play the viola part.

i am doing you a favor here, not the other way around.

and more than that, if you're gonna stick with playing all the good, fun pieces on the violin, you're literally not going to enjoy the viola as much? like you're going into this with the expectation that the viola part is beneath you if you're holding onto all of the more fun pieces like this.

i've spent this entire season switching first from violin 2 to 1 and then to viola and now my friend's asking me to swap for a few pieces back to 2 and i'm just like,,,, bro I just wanna enjoy my orchestra experience

*exhales*

Anyways.

I was struggling to figure out why I was upset about this, and I usually find that writing things down helps me focus my thoughts. So yeah.

I'm upset because my friend is treating me like trash, even though she doesn't realize it. And I don't deserve to be treated like that.

anyways, my friend and I sorta hit a lull in our conversation but if she brings it up I'll straight up tell her that if she wants to play viola for a second piece she needs to let one of her faves go.

she was the one who asked me which piece I would ideally (key word: IDEALLY) like to play and then took away more than half of my options.

what else am I supposed to say to that?

oh yeah and one more thing! remember that she only wants to try this swap thing for rehearsal. she can't even let go of one of her fave pieces for a single rehearsal to try out something new?

ugh.

alright for real this time, i'm done.

#pandora’s ramblings #rants #idk man i think i'm beginning to realize that i need to just put my foot down sometimes #and like advocate for myself #because more often than not i'm always like ''hey yeah whatever the group needs''#which is definitely important but i do need to speak up for myself too #like ''hey no if we're doing this violin 2 viola swap and you get to pick one piece so do i.''#''this is not something that only you get to benefit from.''#but. *sigh*#she is new to viola and idk if i can trust her to learn these longer pieces in the time we have left #and we really do need to be at our best for this concert #ughhhhhh #i hate this #i hate that she put me in this situation #anyways i don't think any of this actually matters #we're too close to the concert for the orchestra director to be okay with this #i don't think we'll be doing any swapping at all #but it kinda hurts to see that she didn't even think about my perspective on this #which is. a recurring theme in my life #but anyways i'm not gonna go into that stuff #this is all to say that i'm annoyed and upset and i hate this #sorry about the literal essay i wrote on this aflksjdafjjlask

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itsadamcole · 3 years

Text

christmas lights - pt. 3

fem!reader x drew mcintyre

reader and drew come face to face ...

word count: 2.3k+

warnings: mentions of cheating, mentions of divorce, mentions of being intoxicated, angst, rebuilding of a broken relationship

— part 4 tomorrow, then two more christmas themed imagines after that —

masterlist || request an imagine here

part 1 || part 2 || part 4

***

Weeks pass and you finally reached out to Drew after you've finally calmed down. Candice told you to hear him out so you told him to come by the house today.

Drew is home for a few days so he is stopping by so the two of you can at least air everything out. You don't know if you'll be able to fix the relationship.

You took off your wedding band and engagement ring because looking at them on your finger made you upset. You don't plan on putting them back on today.

You do dress like you haven't been crying your eyes out for the past six weeks. You wear a silky light blue button up and white jeans. You don't bother with putting shoes on so you're barefoot. You tie your hair into a ponytail on top of your head.

Now you wait for Drew to show up. You sit on the couch as you wait. You try to think about something else, anything else, but it's almost impossible. Especially after you hear a car pull into the driveway.

Sighing, you prepare yourself to come face to face with your husband, if that's what he still is. You don't know anymore.

Drew knocks on the door and you get up, walking into the foyer and opening the door.

The Scotsman stands in front of you, and it takes everything in you to not fall into his arms and just cry. He's dressed casually. A t-shirt and jeans with sneakers. His hair is in a low ponytail on the back of his head.

"Hi," you squeak.

Drew says, "Hey. May I come in?"

Nodding, you step aside and he walks in. You close the door and join Drew, who's now in the living room. He looks around at all the pictures you haven't taken down yet.

You ask, "Do you want something to drink?"

He shakes his head and says, "No, thank ya though."

You sit in the comfy chair adjacent from the couch that Drew is now sitting on. He looks over at you and you look down, not wanting to meet his eyes.

"Look, Y/N," Drew sighs. "I'm ripping off the bandaid so we can go back to what we were before. I lied t'ya."

Avoiding eye contact, you say, "No shit, Drew. That's why we're here."

Drew says, "No, we're here because ya took a text out of context. Ya never let me fully explain myself."

Anger starts to rise in you and you say, "The text seemed pretty straight forward, Drew. I gave you the opportunity to explain yourself and you said that you cheated. Plain and simple."

The Scotsman says, "I told ya that I cheated because ya wanted t'hear me say it. I never cheated. I would never do that t'ya, Y/N. Ya know me-"

"I thought I knew you," you interrupt.

Drew says, "Will ya close yer stubborn mouth for two seconds so I can explain what happened?"

You blink at Drew. He's never used that tone with you. That tone of "be quiet or I swear to God". Never has Drew used that tone with you, which makes you be quiet.

As you wait, you cross your arms over your chest. You stay quiet.

Drew begins with, "I wanted t'buy you a present for Christmas and I needed another woman's opinion so I asked my friend Diane t'help me pick it out. That was my first mistake. The lingerie in the picture, that was supposed t'be for ya. Diane, who I've blocked by the way, always used t'tease me because I only have sex every few weeks. She asked if I wanted t'come over and pick it up to give t'ya but ya were home and I didn't want t'leave t'go get it since it had been a while since we've seen each other.

"That's when the picture comes in. She decided to mess with me and send that picture with the text. I never kissed her, I never slept with her, I never flirted with her. Nothing happened. I mean that. I never cheated, and I only told ya that because it's what ya wanted to hear. I've always stayed loyal t'ya, Y/N. I've never even thought about messing with someone else behind yer back," Drew finished.

His explanation lines up with everything, but your stubborn ass never let him fully explain yourself. You have your doubts, yes, but you should have let him explain himself that night.

That night was your worst nightmare come true when it never should have been.

Tears begin to well in your eyes and you mumble, "That makes perfect sense and I didn't believe you."

You cover your face with your hands. You hate that you never let Drew explain himself. You hate that you've been avoiding talking to him for weeks.

He stays quiet and the tears that formed begin to roll down your cheeks. You've hated Drew for the past six weeks when you had no reason. You almost wanted him to tell you he had been unloyal to you because you couldn't believe him at all. He sounded so panicky when he was trying to explain himself all those weeks ago that you thought that he was lying to you.

"I'm so sorry, Drew," you cry, face still covered. "I'm so sorry that I never let you explain yourself."

Drew gets up and walks over to you. He wraps his arms around you as he sits on the arm of the chair. You cry into his chest as he says, "No, I'm sorry, Y/N. I'm sorry that I made ya think ya weren't good enough. I'm sorry I made ya ever think that I cheated. Yer perfect for me and I almost ruined it."

You hug him tight and say, "I've hated you for the past few weeks and pushed you away for no reason."

"Hey, ya had every reason," Drew says. "Ya were emotional and I had told ya that I was unloyal. Ya had every right t'hate me and t'push me away, Y/N. I don't blame ya at all, and ya shouldn't blame yourself, love."

You finally look up at Drew, meeting his eyes and you say, "I love you. I never stopped even though I hated you for something you didn't do. I'm so sorry that we couldn't spend the last six weeks together when it's what you wanted."

Drew presses a kiss to your forehead and he says, "We can start over. Clean slates, yeah?"

You nod and say, "Yeah, I'd like that. I need to do one thing first."

He nods and you get up, running up the stairs. You grab your wedding band and engagement ring out of the jewelry box you put them in and put both rings on your finger. Then you grab the present you never gave Drew for Christmas before walking downstairs.

Your husband looks confused as you carry a wrapped gift down the stairs.

"I, um, was never able to give you this," you say. "So Merry belated Christmas, Drew."

The small box is unwrapped once you hand it to Drew. Inside the wrapping paper is a small box. Not the size that would contain a ring, but the size that would contain a bracelet.

Drew opens up the box and smiles when he sees the contents. It's a thin silver bracelet with Drew's initials engraved on one side of the date that's engraved in the metal with your initials engraved on the other side of date. The date is the day you married Drew.

He says, "Y/N. Ya got this fer me?"

You nod and say, "And I'm giving it to you a month and a half later so technically happy early Valentine's Day."

Your husband laughs and puts the bracelet on his left wrist. You notice he's wearing his wedding band. Your heart sinks as you realize he probably never took his off while you did.

Drew looks over at you and he says, "Thank ya, Y/N."

You nod and meet his eyes again. "No more secrets," you say. "Please?"

He shakes his head and says, "No more secrets, I promise. And no more lying."

"Yeah, I agree," you say, giving Drew a small smile.

Drew reaches up and touches your cheek lightly, and you lean into his touch. "Can I kiss ya?" he asks.

You nod and Drew stands up from the arm of the chair. He towers over you and you have to look up at him.

He leans down and lightly presses a kiss to your cheek. You move closer to Drew as the kiss intensifies just a little bit. Your eyes flutter closed and butterflies rise in your stomach as if this was your first kiss again with Drew. It almost feels like it.

The kiss continues for a few moments before Drew pulls away. He says, "I probably have t'build yer trust up again, don't I?"

You look up at him and say, "I mean, I have some doubts but I do believe you for the most part." You take his hand. "But we can't just jump right back into how we were. We've been separated for six weeks."

Drew asks, "What do ya want to do? Do ya want me to stay with Sheamus a little bit longer or I can rent an apartment for a few months that way we can take things slow."

"You don't have to move out," you say, staring up at Drew. "We can asleep in separate bedrooms for a few weeks while we mend the relationship. We're gonna need some boundaries temporarily while we fix things."

He nods and says, "Whatever ya want t'do, Y/N. If ya want me t'stay then I'll stay."

Smiling up at him, you say, "I want you to stay, but separate bedrooms for right now."

Drew says, "Then I'll stay. I'll have Sheamus or Cesaro drop my clothes off later. Right now, I just want t'spend some time with my wife while I'm home."

Your face gets a little flustered as he talks.

You believe that this relationship can be fixed. Drew's explanation makes sense and lines up with a lot. You're just upset with yourself that you never let him explain.

A question pops into your head and you ask, "Drew, how long did you know Diane?"

He says, "I've known her a few months. She works in makeup for Raw and that's how we met. She's become a close friend while I'm on the road."

"Is that why you asked her to help you shop for me?" you ask.

Drew nods and says, "I talked t'her about ya all the time and she knew what ya liked and didn't like. That's how much I talked t'her about ya." A chuckle leaves his lips. "I didn't ask Candice or Indi because I wanted it t'be a surprise and I knew they would probably end up telling ya or ya'd find out because ya always talk to them. So I asked Diane and we shopped when we were in New York. Looking back, I probably shoulda asked Candice."

You listen to the tone of his and he sounds genuine. His accent gets a little thicker when he lies but it stays the same.

"Did she ever try to come onto you?" you ask.

Drew shakes his head and says, "Not that I'm aware of. Maybe I was just oblivious because I was always thinking about ya and when I'd get back t'ya. I always used to say how I'd miss ya and how much I missed us, ya know, having sex or being intimate with each other so she used t'tease me about it. The picture she sent overstepped a boundary that I didn't think I'd needed t'put down so the next day, after I sobered up and everything, I told her that she overstepped, that our friendship was over, and blocked her."

Sobered up? "You got drunk that night?" you ask.

He nods and says, "Severely. Sheamus and Cesaro picked me up and I threw up."

You frown. That's why Sheamus said that Drew wasn't there when you called that night to make sure he made it over okay.

"I called, that night," you admit. "I called Sheamus to see if you made it there okay. My heart sank because I thought you were with her after he told me you weren't there."

Drew crouches in front of you and he says, "I drove to a bar. I drank heavily for a while before Sheamus and Cesaro found me extremely intoxicated. That's all. I wasn't with Diane."

You look into his pretty blue eyes and you feel butterflies as you make eye contact with him. "I know," you say. "I'm sorry for being a terrible wife recently."

Your husband rests his hands on your knees and he says, "Ya have no reason to apologize, love. The past few weeks have all been on me. I gave ya the space ya wanted. I knew ya'd reach out when ya were ready to talk."

Sighing, you run your fingers through Drew's dark hair and you say, "I'm glad you're back. Let's never do that again. Separate, I mean."

He lets out a breathy laugh and says, "I agree. It was terrible."

You laugh a bit and hug him, wrapping your arms around his neck and holding him close.

You finally feel at home again in Drew's arms. Yes, he has a bit to prove but you're willing to work with him. You believe him and because you love him, you want to make sure this relationship gets fixed because you could never forgive yourself if this relationship ended for any reason.

—

tags: @drewmcintyrekoccsrocbwdgfan

#drew mcintyre imagine #drew mcintyre x reader #wrestling imagine #wrestling angst #wwe imagine #wwe angst #nxt imagine #nxt angst #imagines #imagine #angst imagine #christmas imagine

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shyrose57 · 3 years

Note

Brothers anon back again. Heads up im going to be busy for the next week about so it may be a bit til I submit my next bit. I'll try to get something in though! Even if its just a bunch of incorrect quotes I have stored up or songs that inspired the story (or if you have questions you haven't been able to ask you can ask those, literally any question is fine).

1: Not particularly, but it does give him an advantage in everything basically. Cause he was taught how to survive in many different areas (like treating wounds and how to survive in a tundra when you have nothing), this teaching is what allowed him to live alone for 4 years, and is what gives him a strong advantage in the Pit because he's almost fully trained in fighting and has many different tactics for multiple scenarios. Ranbob was distraught and was sent into a depressive episode when he discovered that, almost his entire family was dead, and got even more distraught and sent into a state of hysteria when he found out he was the one who killed them. He acted much the same when he found out he killed his friends, Ran's friends, and every single mentor and leader that was there. Knowing full well he may of very well doomed Mizu, if anyone was still left alive of course.

2: Grievous remained salty for the rest of the day, and showed distaste in Ranbob as well. But the day after Grievous was back to being friends with and gently pranking Ranbob, forgiving him for yesterday's accident.

3: Eh? It depends I'll say. For life threatening situations and stressful situations, yes definitely. He doesnt last long before breaking down and begging Benjamin for help. But if its something like getting everyone to work toghere, giving directions, stopping fights, or even making calls in a very important decision, he doesnt get overwhelmed too easily. Benjamin is basically the co-leader of the group, only really leading when Isaac is unable too.

5: Yep! Just cause this is a mythical and fake world doesnt mean there can't be some real world attributes. Im trying to keep it mythical but also use real world functions and trying to show the change/mix in times (like how while some of the world is machinery and its slowly gaining popularity, it's still mostly midevil based)

7: If the person is in the arena he gets revenge. Though sadly he can't get it outside cause last time he did that he got banned from fighting for a month. But if he sees one of the people who made fun of Jackie in the arena he makes sure to go hard to them, pushing them to their limit, but not pushing hard enough to make them lose if that makes sense. He makes sure to fight in a way that's draining and causing pain for the person, but not draining enough to make the round end so he can drag it on until the person collapses.

8: He does! He's kept all of his books from his adventures and sometimes re-reads them to make sure he doesnt forget anything. And sometimes if the others beg, he reads them outloud to the group as a sort of bedtime story. He goes wack, he wacks Jackie when he's being a little shit, he wacks Grievous after a prank, he wacks Genevieve when she brakes a training dummy, he wacks Levi especially hard when he gives Jackie alcohol after he specifically told him not too. He watched the dressmaker, baker, farmer, fletcher, cleric, cartographer, and butcher! He learned all tricks of the trade and learned how to properly make clothes, map maps, how to take care of animals and what certain animals need, how to cook anything basically, how to harvest and preserve food, and how to make arrows and the basic necessities for a bow.

Ran does not necessarily make them often, he mostly only wrote them down so he wouldn't accidentally brew a potion of poison and drink it thinking it was a healing potion. Its considered no longer necessary to go into the nether, as the only thing really needed is netherwart and building supplies, but the building supplies are very rarely needed and every major city has a netherwart farm. Also cause I wanna add it, no one knows about netherite. Only a few adventures know about it but consider it a hoax, it's only Rans netherite sword that actually proves that it does exist. I actually wasnt planning on it at first but now definitely, I could do a lot of things with them in the SMP grounds. Weeks, it takes weeks for Ran to decide their ready. Because they need to pass whats basically tests about mobs of the nether and their habits, mine plenty of gold, learn about what to and what not to do around Piglins, learn about bastions and fortresses and areas to completely avoid, learn to be able to take multiple mobs on at once, and be able to withstand the heat there. Watson tries to get Ran to lighten up on the requirements but Ran is firmly sticking his ground and Watson ends up giving up and letting Ran do whatever. Though even with all of Rans training their not completely ready for the nether. The fishermen originally refuse to go through, but eventually go through, mostly to make sure Ranbob is safe, and because Cletus wouldn't stop whining about going.

10: I am very tempted to add angst here because their fighting against Dream after all. But I've made a lot of angst so far so I'll only do it if you want me too.

12: He does end up stepping in! He goes to Ranbob one night and says how he's noticed he's been stressed and always sad and asks how he can help. Ranbob brushes him off at first but is debating going to him again and asking for help one last time.

13: Yeah he's like a final boss. When you fight as a General your allowed to use your own personal weapons and whatever tricks or tactics you want, along with 3 potions of your choice. While when fighting as a typical gladiator, you have to use the weapons supplied (although unless specifically stated you can use any weapon given at any time), and have to use tatics and tricks specifically allowed in the rules. Though there are 2 more titles! Sergeant and Corporal. Ran and Watson are both Sergeants, they get to use personal weapons and mostly any tactic and tricks they want too. While Grievous is a Corporal and only gets to use his personal weapons.

14: Yep! The whispers disappeared gradually the futher away they got from Mizu, and even while he was moving away from Mizu Dream was asking, almost begging him at the end, to come back to Mizu. Saying how the futher Ranbob gets the lonier and colder he feels, and how he's sorrh, trying to guilt trip him into coming back to Mizu, or at least coming closer again.

15: It is!

1: Huh. What kind of things would people learn if they chose other idols, exactly? Also, ouch. Why do I keep asking questions I know will hurt me later on?

2: Gently pranking. I applaud his restraint. Is that how Grievous forgives people? Gently pranking them? Just joking with them in general. Also, who laughed at that little situation?

3: So Isaac’s good with everyday things, not so much high stress situations. Gotcha. Is there a reason Benjamin is able to remain calm where he can’t? Practice, experience, personality trait?

5: Very cool. Can’t wait to see what else you do with that, honestly.

7: Petty. I love it.

8: Aww, adventure bedtime stories! Also, him wacking people is so funny to me, thank you for that. And Levi gave Jackie alcohol? How did that go down? Did Jackie get drunk, or did Watson manage to keep them from drinking it? Watson sounds like he could probably establish a small village if he so chose, and honestly, good for him.

Dang. Does this mean like, everything from the Smp has been lost? So many of them had netherite armor and stuff, what happened there for people to not even know it’s a thing anymore? What happened in general, for so much of the past to be lost to history? How does their little Nether trip go? Anyone get hurt? Are piglin tribes around to trade with? Do they find anything cool, like a fortress or bastion?

10: It’s your AU, do what you will. I’m going to read it regardless, because for some reason, I enjoy breaking my heart like that(and the AU in general). Just give us some bonus hurt/comfort if you do, please? Just a smidge?

12: One last time? What does that mean, exactly? Should I be concerned?

13: Huh. So how many people know that Jackie’s the General? What kind of status does it give him? And how many people have managed to beat him when he fights all out? Would you say he and Ran are on par? How about him and Watson? And do the Sergeants and Corporals fight before the General, as like, mini bosses?

14:Oh no. Did it ever cause Ranbob to try and go back to him toward the end, or did the Fishermen manage to distract him long enough to get away from the whispers just about completely?

15: Yay!

#Brothers AU #tales from the smp #ranbob #ran #jackie #watson #the lost city of mizu

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lovemalecforever · 3 years

Text

Chapter 4

Confrontations and Truths

It was almost 5:30, the dusk was setting in as Alec walked out of his office, mumbling something under his breath. He looked around to find a taxi which he got after 5 minutes, then got in and left for Catarina's house.

*At Catarina's apartment*

Catarina was pacing in her living room, glancing at the clock again and again. Her worries were deepening with each passing second when her doorbell rang. Sighing, she waved her hands and opened the door.

Alec walked inside and gave her an apologetic look. "Sorry, Cat! I'm.... 15 minutes late." He said while hugging her gently.

"That's not what I'm concerned about Alec, you asked me to meet you urgently and not tell Magnus about our meeting at all, what's going on!?"

He was about to answer when a soft voice echoed the whole house.

"Aallleeecccc!"

Madzie came running down the hall and hugged Alec's leg who was around Alec's waist height now. She was growing faster and learned a lot in all these years. Catarina had officially adopted her, and they formed a really great bond over the course of years.

A wide smile appeared on Alec's face as he bent down to her height and gave her a tight hug. "Hey, sweet pea!"

"Magnus didn't come?" She asked in a sad voice.

"No, sweet pea, I had some important work with your mom, that's why I came. We'll surely come soon to meet you, okay?"

"Okay!" she said enthusiastically, her sadness completely gone.

"Hey Mads! Go to your room sweetheart, we have some important work to discuss." Catarina said to her softly but a slight tone of worry was visible in her voice.

"Okay mommy, bye Alecc!"

"Bye, sweet pea!"

After she left, Catarina sighed, crossed her arms above her chest, and glared at Alec. "Alec! Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Cat! Calm down, can we please sit and talk?"

Catarina sighed yet again. They walked towards her mini balcony where there was a coffee table with two wooden chairs placed around it. She waved her hands and summoned a hot coffee for herself and hot chocolate with marshmallows for Alec.

"Thank you!" Alec said as he sat down on the chair.

Catarina was still looking at him firmly.

"So, to answer your question, Magnus is not fine."

"What!? Alec! What happened to him, has his powers-"

"Cat! Cat! Calm down! There's nothing wrong with him. He's completely fine, he's just not fine emotionally."

"Emotionally!?"

"Look, Cat, it's our anniversary in 6 days, I want to do something for him for which I'll be needing the help of a warlock, and I obviously can't take Magnus' help, so that's why I wanted to meet you."

Catarina let out a breath of relief, which she didn't know was holding. "Alec, I'm still confused, how is Magnus' mental health and your surprise plan related?"

Alec took a deep breath and composed himself before speaking. "You're aware of the biggest attack that happened in Alicante about a month ago, which almost resulted in war?"

"Yes, Alec, I obviously am, that's the reason I'm in Alicante. They needed the powerful warlocks from around the globe to fix the broken wards, you know it really well those are no ordinary wards. But, what about it?" a frown appeared on her forehead, not understanding where this was headed.

"Well, in that attack, I was in the field and Magnus was also called. It was not a small attack so they called everyone that can fight that battle. We both were on the field fighting side by side, but..." Alec cleared his throat, his eyes starting to flood with tears with those memories.

"Alec?" Catarina asked softly.

Alec closed his eyes and a teardrop fell on his cheek. "I... I almost died in that battle."

"What!?" Catarina's eyes went wide. "Oh my god! Alec... why nobody told me about this!? Why am I hearing about it now?"

"You were at the Spiral Labyrinth, Cat. We wouldn't be able to contact you even if we wanted. And, you know Magnus, he hates talking about things like these."

Catarina sighed and gave a slow nod.

"Anyways, I was in a coma for 10 days. My recovery was really slow, but I recovered. I knew Magnus was by my side the whole time, I was able to hear him, hear everything happening beside me, I heard him crying, begging me to wake up, to not leave him this soon, that... he won't be able to live without me, he cried on my arms, didn't sleep for a day!" He paused as tears kept running down his face.

Catarina gently squeezed his arms.

"When I recovered and went back home, he didn't allow me to go back to work for days. I had to convince him, remind him that I'm an inquisitor, I don't have that much fieldwork now, but... he never was able to get over it." He took a deep breath and continued.

"He told me he was fine, but I know he's not Cat! He still cries at night, thinking I'm asleep and not hearing him. whenever I've come home early, I've heard him crying, saying things like... like I'll die someday in a battle or I'll grow old one day and die and leave him forever. But I've always ignored it, knowing that I won't be able to comfort him no matter how hard I try to. And also, because he thinks he's hiding from me. If I confront him, he'll become defensive and more secretive, he'll push me away."

He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. Catarina reached out and gave his shoulder a light squeeze. When he opened his eyes, tears were shining brightly in them.

"I... I can't see him like that, Cat! He had a past full of pain, he had been in and out of relationships, had bad ones like Camille. You know all about it better than me, I know he's scared that I'll grow old one day and die. My mortality is scaring him, I love him and I'm worried about him."

"Oh my! Alec... I can't believe Magnus didn't say a word to me. But how can I help you with this?"

"I... Is... I... I... Is...."

"Alec!?" Catarina frowned, her mind going only in one direction with Alec's confrontation.

"I want to become immortal!" He announced.

At first, Catarina's eyes went wide, but then a light smile appeared on her face. "Look, Alec, I'm happy to see the love you have for Magnus, but becoming immortal-"

"It's not just for Magnus, Cat! I'm doing it for myself as well. I want to be with Magnus forever. I can't think of being apart from him even for a day, and, about watching my whole family dying in front of my eyes, with Magnus being by my side, I know I'll handle it!"

Catarina was so awestruck by his determination. 'Magnus is really lucky to have Alec, I'm so happy for you Magnus Bane!' she thought. "But there's one more problem, Alec, you have pure angel blood running in your veins, if you want to become immortal-"

"You think I came without homework, Cat!?" He took out a piece of paper from his pants pocket and kept it on the table. She took it and carefully opened it but then her eyes went wide.

"Wha... Alec, from where did you get this?"

"I was looking through the history of Shadowhunters and Immortals when I got this. The only thing I got to know this far is that," he pointed at the sketch on paper, "his name was Kasper Windermere, the first Shadowhunter to become immortal, half angel and half Shadowhunter, he became half-angel through a spell, but I'm not able to find the rest of it."

Catarina's eyes were wide. Noticing that, Alec took her hand in his catching her attention.

"Look, Cat, I want to become immortal, but Shadowhunting is my life, my career, it's what I've taught since childhood, I can't just give up on it. And I know I'll regret if I become immortal by using demon blood, you all know me. So that's the only option I have. Please, help me Cat!"

She couldn't help but give a wide smile at Alec.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You know, Magnus has been my best friend for centuries, I've seen him falling in and out of love, being with people, caring for them, and getting heartbroken but I've never seen anyone caring for Magnus the way you do. Magnus is really lucky to have you in his life. I'm really happy for both of you."

Alec's cheeks flushed red at this. "Thank you, Cat!"

"But for what you want, we need to search in every place possible. We can start with Book of White; Magnus gave it to me to keep it safe, I'll bring it."

"Okay, let's do it."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

* A Few hours later*

"There's only a small part of the spell mentioned in it, Alec." Catarina rubbed her temples as she turned the book towards Alec. They searched for hours but were only able to find a few details.

"Hmm... but that means it's possible right? We just need to find the rest of it." He was really happy with their findings.

"Alec, are you really sure? There's little mention of it, and... it's written there that it has consequences, that's why it's removed."

"What consequences?" He frowned.

"This spell is irreversible, so you can never turn back to mortal ever again and the only means that can kill you is.... is your own will, as an angel you'll only die when you desire to be."

"How is the other one a consequence?" He asked, confused.

"Alec, no one desires to die, and there's no mention whether Kasper Windermere is alive or dead."

"I don't see any problem with any of the above!"

Catarina sighed. "You are so determined, aren't you?"

"Cat, I can't see Magnus like this anymore. With our anniversary coming, I want to surprise him in the best way possible. I want our anniversary to be about him, his happiness, and I know he'll be happy, so yes, I'm determined to do anything which will make him happy. I'll look for more information tomorrow at Gard's library."

Catarina grinned then out of nowhere, giving him a tight hug. "Magnus Bane is a hell of a lucky man!"

Alec pulled out of the hug but then his eyes fell on his watch, it was 10:30. "Shit! Oh, no! Shit! Shit!"

"Alec, what happened?"

"We planned a dinner at 7 today and it's 10:30, Magnus is going to kill me, I need to run!" He said in a hurried tone.

Catarina laughed and shook her head. "Go, get your husband Alec!"

"Bye, Cat!" With that, Alec rushed out of Catarina's house.

__________________________

Magnus was pacing in their living room, eyeing the cold food kept at the kitchen counter and at the clock alternatively. It was almost 10:45. His eyes were filled with the pool of tears that were ready to shed at any moment.

'Where are you, Alexander? You promised you'd make it for dinner.' He sighed and started pacing again when a sudden thought struck him. 'Is... Is he all right? Did something happen to him? Did he go for the hunt? No, No! But he should be home by now then!'

He was about to change into his regular clothes to go out in search of him when he heard the jingle of keys and the door opened making him let out a breath of relief.

Alec walked in and noticed that Magnus was standing in the center of the living room with worry-filled eyes. 'Shit! I'm screwed' he thought then cleared his throat before speaking.

"I'm sorry, Magnus, I... Umm... I...." He kept shuffling in his place, unable to meet the eyes with his husband's.

"Where were you, Alexander?" Magnus almost choked on his words.

Alec noticed this, 'he was crying again, shit! I'm sorry Mags. Just a few more days and you never have to worry about it ever again' he thought.

"I... I was actually with Izzy; she was at the meeting too... I met her after a long time, so after we were both done with our work and meetings we decided to meet for a coffee. We met and started chatting and didn't realize the time. I'm sorry Mags! I should've texted you, I forgot, I'm really sorry." He said half truthfully, Izzy was at the meeting, but she was in a hurry so they only talked for 5 minutes, then she left but she's still in Alicante.

He then took out the flower bouquet he was hiding the whole time, with a sorry card placed on top of it. "I hope this will make up for it, I'm so sorry Magnus!"

Magnus was completely on the verge of crying right now, he was trying to hold his tears back, as he kept glancing between the bouquet and his husband. 'I missed my chance again, how am I supposed to say anything when you keep doing things like this' he thought, unable to keep his tears back he started crying.

"Magnus!?" Alec kept the bouquet on the couch then hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry Magnus, I'm sorry!" 'I know why you're crying Magnus, please don't be scared love, just a few more days!'

Magnus cried on Alec's shoulders, holding his jacket in his fists tightly. 'how am I supposed to tell you, Alexander, how am I supposed to tell you that... that I want to end our marriage, that I want to end us. I can't take it anymore, thinking that you'll be gone forever someday, and I, I'll have to live with those memories. I can't create more memories with you, Alexander. What happened a month ago had hurt me in ways you can't imagine. I can't do this anymore, the more I'll be with you, the more it'll hurt me when you'll be gone. I won't be able to bear that pain, I have to end us, I need to end us, but how am I even going to say it, when you keep showering me with your love' he cried harder on his shoulders.

#happily married #malec forever #malec fic #magnus bane #malec #asaab #angst with a happy ending #angst #fanfic authors #alec lightwood #fanfiction #fanfic #lightwood bane family #fantasy #wattpad writer #wattpad

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tsrookie · 3 years

Text

Alright, so today’s the three-year anniversary of Reputation a.k.a the greatest album of all time, my baby, the light of my life, the album that deserved a Grammy (trying desperately not to think about the scene from Miss Americana😭), the album that introduced us to the most beautiful couple ever, the album that shut Kimye up, and I better stop now, or else I’m not gonna shut up.

So in honour of this momentous occasion (and the fact that I reached 200+ followers! Thank you so much you guys!🥺 Love you all 3000💙), here’s a loooooong post on why Reputation is the Ethan and MC album.

1. ...Ready For It?

No one has to know

Throwback to MC saying the exact same words back in Miami.

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

You should see the things we do, baby, mmm

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

I know I'm gonna be with you

So I take my time

Remember back when MC asked for Ethan to get into bed right away during their first time? Ethan told them that he had dreamt about the moment for months, so he wasn’t going to rush it.

2. End Game

Big reputation, big reputation

Ooh you and me would be a big conversation

These two dating would be the talk of the hospital, and they know it.

Even when we'd argue, we don't do it for long

And you understand the good and bad, end up in the song

For all your beautiful traits, and the way you do it with ease

For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities

Think these lines are pretty self-explanatory😌

I hit you like bang

We tried to forget it, but we just couldn't

*gets war flashbacks of the ‘reset’ phase*😭 They tried to make it work, but we all know how Ch 8 of book 2 went😌

I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me

Perfect for our chaotic MC😌

3. Don’t Blame Me

Do I... really have to explain this one?

For you, I would cross the line

I would waste my time

I would lose my mind

They say she's gone too far this time

Do we need a recap of our rule-breaking MC?

And baby, for you, I would fall from grace

Just to touch your face

If you walk away

I'd beg you on my knees to stay

He was willing to risk his (mostly) rule-abiding reputation for being with MC. And there’s no way he wouldn’t beg for MC not to leave him if he ever screwed up🤷‍♀️

4. Delicate

This ain't for the best

My reputation's never been worse, so

You must like me for me

Ethan stood by MC’s side throughout the Ethics hearing, when her reputation was completely smeared, and people only saw her as a patient murderer. He didn’t know about the sabotages, but he would’ve definitely supported her if he had known.

We can't make

Any promises now, can we, babe?

Commitment-phobia🙃

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep

Are you ever dreaming of me?

Sometimes when I look into your eyes

I pretend you're mine, all the damn time

They spent so much of time apart, not able to be with each other, so the least they could do was dream of being with each other all the time.

5. So It Goes (an underrated af bop)

What can I say... it’s a sex song, okay? Don’t make me go into the details😂 Just listen to the lyrics, and all will be clear.

6. Gorgeous (Tumblr won’t let me put any more links)

MC’s eternal anthem to Ethan.

Whisky on ice, Sunset and Vine

You've ruined my life, by not being mine

We all know Ethan loves Whiskey, and the second line? C’mon!

You're so gorgeous

I can't say anything to your face

'Cause look at your face

And I'm so furious

At you for making me feel this way

But, what can I say?

You're gorgeous

Ethan Ramsey is famous for two reasons. One: his smart brain, I guess😒 Two: HIS LOOKS!!! HE’S GORGEOUS, AND DON’T DENY IT.

And you should think about the consequence

Of you touching my hand in the darkened room (dark room, dark room)

Ah, the olden days of hand holding in the diagnostics office🥺

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine

I feel like I might sink and drown and die

No explanation required.

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad

The wonderful will-they-won’t-they saga. The frustrating hot-and-cold behaviour. The ‘We can’t’, ‘It’s unethical’ and ‘It’s complicated’. MC deserves an award for her patience😓

7. King Of My Heart

I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own

I made up on my mind, I'm better off bein' alone

Ethan ‘I don’t believe in soulmates and nobody’s waiting at home’ Ramsey.

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

This could be from both Ethan and MC’s perspectives. The love they share isn’t something that you get easily. It’s something that MC has waited for her whole life, and something Ethan never knew he needed, but now can’t live without🥺

Late in the night, the city's asleep

Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep

Change my priorities

The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury

This was definitely Ethan throughout book 2, after he finally gave in. He let go of his previous rules and regulations, especially during the time of the attack. He was clearly affected, and once MC was alright, his main priority was her, and her alone.

Is the end of all the endings?

My broken bones are mending

With all these nights we're spending

Ethan’s been burnt a lot in the past. But all those wounds are now healing thanks to MC.

Up on the roof with a school girl crush

Drinking beer out of plastic cups

They act like lovesick teenagers around each other, like, that’s literally their description if you choose to kiss Ethan for the first time in Chapter 14 of book 2!😅

Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

Baby, all at once, this is enough

We all know about his initial fear of his mother reaching out to him for the sake of his money. To him, MC not talking advantage of him is a pretty big deal, even though it’s never mentioned. You just know, you know?🥺

8. Dancing With Our Hands Tied

My, my love had been frozen

Deep blue, but you painted me golden

Again, Ethan doesn’t have the best experience with love. But MC changed that.

I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted

This could go both ways, cause they’re both piping hot messes😬 (but love each other anyway🥺)

The rest of this song could have made so much more sense for them if we had gotten some sort of a secret relationship storyline. But oh well, I’m definitely not complaining about the gala😌 (and definitely not believing any of the supposed cancelled storylines)

9. Dress

Our secret moments

In a crowded room

They got no idea

About me and you

I mean... pretty obvious😌

Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me

And I woke up just in time

Now I wake up by your side

My one and only, my lifeline

This is practically Ethan’s train of thought, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

As for the rest of the steamier lyrics... I’ll um... let you guys listen to it yourselves😁

10. Call It What You Want

I wrote an entire fic inspired by this song, so excuse me for the shameless self-promo, but go give it a read?🥺👉👈(totally fine if you don’t! I’ve probably made so many posts about this song that y’all know the meaning anyway😅)

11. New Years Day

Don't read the last page

But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away

I want your midnights

But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

MC has always stayed by Ethan’s side, even when he’s pushed her away. These lines perfectly explain how she wants his worst times, and his best, the midnights they spend staying up together, and the moments where it’s just the two of them, when everyone else has left, like the aftermath of a New Years party (still mad at the fact that we didn’t get to see the gang celebrate New Year together😭)

I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe

Or if you strike out and you're crawling home

The above explanation for these lines as well.

Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

Becoming strangers to each other would be their worst nightmares. Knowing that the other was out there in the world somewhere, but not being in their lives would kill them.

You and me forevermore

These two are each other’s soulmate, they know it, even if they haven’t said it yet. Forever wouldn’t be enough for them to shower each other with they love they hold for each other. But it’s a good start.

——————————

If you guys made it this far, then I honestly love you more than words can ever express🥺💙 Thanks for putting up with my Swiftie-Directioner-Ethan stan ass, cause I dunno if I’d ever be able to handle someone like myself. And if you read all the above stuff, then I hope you wanna know why this album means so much to me.

Reputation is perceived as a dark album, when in reality it’s truly about finding love amongst all the noise. This album, and Taylor and Joe’s story, taught me what true love actually is, and Ethan and MC cemented that. This album and these two couples (quite literally) saved my life.

The most beautiful part about both these relationships is that even though they never showed it openly, for the sake of their relationships, both Ethan(in the story) and Joe stood by the side of the one’s they loved, despite half of the people who they knew hating on them, or betraying them. And I think that’s what’s truly important. Forming a true relationship like that, be it platonic or romantic, is long lasting, and I hope everyone finds those kind of people to fill their hearts with. Sending much love, and sorry for being a huge sap😅💙

Tagging a couple of my Swiftie homies: @swiftlydarcy @nikki-2406 @dxnicaramsey @kaavyaethanramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @drariellevalentine @justanotherrookie

#open heart #open heart second year #dr ethan ramsey x mc #ethan jonah ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc #mercy goes nuts #happy three years of Reputation🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤#ethan ramsey

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samtheflamingomain · 3 years

Text

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #alcohol tw #sam #recovery #sobriety

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