#i crave love so badly but im not able to love again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

leclerced · 1 month

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rehearsal crush + jelly = broken up

angst please ?

landoscar whose gf breaks up with them because she can’t handle the distance and they kinda are just like sick about it but oscar’s “if it’s meant to be it’ll be” attitude takes over lando too so they just don’t do anything about it and let her leave and it makes her even more upset that they didn’t TRY and fight for her

but happy ending

-🪼🪼🪼

jelly im so sorry ): if u wanna talk about it or rant, feel free to dm me 🫶🏻 im here for u if u need anything. i did Not Know how to end this im so sorry sjdkdmd im at work rn i hope this helps in some way ):

the only time it feels like she’s in a relationship is when they come to town between races. when they leave, she has to go back to real life and missing them. she hides it well, puts a smile on her face while she kisses them goodbye, then breaks down once they've walked out the door. there’s a weight on her chest that is only lifted when they’re around. they’ve never told her they feel the same, she thinks it’s because they still have each other so it’s not as bad. it makes her feel like she can’t tell them how badly she misses them, how crushing it is to see them go and know it’ll be a month until she sees them again.

she’s always been a physical person, she craves their touch more than anything. she misses the forehead kisses, having someone to hold hands with, a kiss and goodbye, i love you's when she's leaving for work. she wants to walk into a room and be able to crawl into her boyfriend's lap. to lay on oscar while she's binging her favorite shows. go on hikes with lando. it’s worse missing both of them. she misses waking up because oscar’s laying on top of her and lando’s asleep but still trying to pull her closer to him while oscar holds her in place underneath him, only to grumble and roll over so he’s on top of her too. she’d complain about the weight and the heat, but its so rare that she savors it. forces herself to stay awake as long as possible to relish in the feeling of them surrounding her. most of the time, she wakes up because she's cold and alone.

she feels pathetic when she gets jealous watching streams, she's envious of the press and drivers who see them every day. random people get to talk to her boyfriends more than she does. she's jealous of them every time they send her photos and videos together, whether it’s an innocent selfie or something meant to be watched alone and with headphones. she hates that it feels like she’s a girlfriend for one weekend a month and the rest of it, they’re boyfriends and she's someone they send a couple of texts to.

she starts thinking about breaking up when one of her friends gives her a hug and she breaks down because her shampoo smells like oscar’s and she wishes she could hug him. it's almost like hugging oscar, except she can't tuck her face into his neck and lean into him, his hands aren't pulling her closer, rubbing her back or petting her hair. there's no soft sigh as he rests his cheek on her head and no kiss on the top of her head when she pulls away. it feels like she's already been broken up with. like all the things she's missing, she's never going to experience again.

she tries to think about how it could work out. how they could see each other more. maybe they could all live together, and then there’d be less travel. if when they went home between races, she was home. she thinks about it, if she could pick up here life and move it. could she find another job in her field? what about her friends and family, here at home? would monaco feel like home when her boyfriends still aren't there most of the year? she'd lose what support system she has, have to build a new one. she would have to give up everything just to see them a few more times a year. she hasn't even been dating them for that long, not long enough to make plans for the future. they've been doing things a month at a time, planning dates where they can. she fell hard and fast, too fast now that she thinks about it. she shouldn't be contemplating flipping her life upside down just because of a boyfriend or two.

she doesn’t want to keep feeling like she’s drowning without them. she thinks she’ll get over them faster than she’ll be okay with missing them all the time. that in a few months, she could be over them and seeing someone new. someone who lives in her city, so she can see them regularly. have someone to text when she's lonely and have them come over and hold her. sure, it’s fun when they’re on break, and can spend all of their free time with her. when she can take off work to go on vacation with them. but it’s not so fun when she’s spending every night wishing they were back in bed with her, counting down the days until they would be. it takes her a week to draft the text in her notes. editing it every day, sending it to her closest friends to check.

i'm really sorry, but i can't do this anymore. the distance is too much, it doesn't feel like i'm in a relationship when you're always across the world on a different time zone. i can count the words we've spoken this week, and it's not even like, real talking. we had a few texts. good morning, good night, i love you. i need more than that. i shouldn't be doing this over text, i know, and i'm sorry for that, but there's no other way to do it. it's easier this way.

she tried adding more, explaining why, the hurt she feels. how she's thrown up from missing them, cried herself to sleep, she couldn't put it into words without feeling like she was trying to hurt them. she reads it back to herself and imagines oscar or lando sending her the same text and nearly throws up. deletes all the rough bits so they won't imagine her keeling over the toilet every morning, crying to her friends, crying alone in bed clutching a hoodie lando left behind. it feels unemotional after that. she can't even type out the words, to say i'm breaking up with you. to say goodbye.

lando sees the text first. he always reaches for his phone first thing in the morning, their groupchat is almost always still open when he unlocks it. he always sends a sweet message for their girl to wake up to or see the next time she checks her phone, if she's up already. this time, there's a text waiting. his hands start shaking instantly, he forgets how to breathe, everything hurts in a way he didn't know it could.

she sent it in the groupchat, an hour after their goodnight, i love you's. he shakes oscar awake after reading it two or three times, not believing the words are real until he's closed the app and reopened it only to see it's still there. he doesn't know what to do, what to think, what to say. it's been hours since she sent the text. it feels too late to respond, like it's done. oscar's confused and disoriented, he's never woken up like this before. lando's shaking him and crying and blubbering at him when he starts regaining consciousness. he thinks someone died. he can't understand lando's gasping, "she- fuck, oscar- i don't know what to do- oscar- what do we do?" he's acting like oscar should already know what he's talking about.

he sits up and grabs lando's cheeks in his hands, "breathe. calm down. what are you going on about?" a phone is pressed into his chest, a corner of it hits his sternum and he winces as he drops a hand to take it. it's lando's, unlocked with their group chat open. he reads the text with a blank face before collapsing back on the bed. bad dream. this is a nightmare. this isn't real. he pinches himself again and again. squeezes his eyes shut and reopens them, holds the phone in front of his face and the text is still there. he can't bring himself to check his own phone and read it there. it remains unread, unready to face the realization.

lando chokes out a sob next to him and collapses on top of him, "'s too late, osc. it's too late. we can't do anything- she's so far away. osc, i-i can't- i don't know what to do- please oscar." he clenches his jaw, tells himself he can't break down, lando needs him to be strong. he drops the phone, rather, throws it to a far corner of the bed, and wraps both arms around lando. "it'll be okay, i promise. if it's meant to be, it'll be." lando whines at his words, says something into his chest that oscar can't make out. he just squeezes lando tighter and pushes down the urge to scream, to break something. to book a flight and fly across the world and beg her not to do this.

it's already done. the text is too articulated. she planned this out. it wasn't one bad night. it was a string of bad nights, that she never told them about. they can't help her if she won't tell them something is wrong, if they don't know she needs help. he doesn't know if he believes his own words. he thinks it's meant to be, but he doesn't know how. he thinks about the stupid saying, if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you, it's yours forever. if it doesn't, it was never meant to be. it keeps him from texting back and begging for her. she'll come back when she's ready. maybe if he doesn't respond, she'll take it back.

she expects them to fight for her. realistically, she knows she waited until they went to sleep, but still. maybe they couldn't fall asleep, they'd see it and talk her down instantly. she expects them to wake up and text back, begging her not to do this. offer to visit more, to fly her out more. to do anything to close the distance. she lets herself delude herself into thinking maybe they aren't responding because they took the first flight out to see her. the entire day, she waits for her phone to beep at her or to hear a knock on her door, but there's nothing.

she makes the mistake of checking a live broadcast the next day, media day. they look fine. no bags under their eyes, no tear splotchy cheeks. it could be makeup, but they laugh and joke with each other and other drivers. she tells herself it’s the right decision. they aren't even upset about it. they're just going about their days. part of her she wishes she could take it back. she wishes she didn't know this is how they felt, that she really was just a quick fuck between races. they couldn't even be bothered to respond and say, hey! it was fun while it lasted. she doesn't let herself watch anymore after that and deletes every app so she won't have to see the mclaren content her algorithms are so used to pumping her feed with.

in the days after, she feels lied to. like all of these months was nothing, every night they flew in to see her was just because they wanted something else to fuck. her friends tell her it's not true, that they're probably just being respectful and giving her space. one of them says if she'd gotten that text, she wouldn't have replied either. she knows she wouldn't either when she rereads it to herself. she wants to ask, why didn't any of you tell me not to send it? why were they all so supportive of me blowing up my relationship?

after a few weeks of thinking like that, she breaks and looks at the championship rankings, looks at their scores for the last races. she feels a pang in her stomach when they're not having a great season, sometimes finishing in the points but not getting into the top five in any race since. she gets curious, wonders if it's the car or the driver. makes the mistake of watching post race interviews and hearing them talk about how the car was doing great but they couldn't get the full potential out of it. lando's beating himself up too much about it, oscar's giving him sad looks constantly. maybe it is bothering them and they're just showing it differently. she bans herself from checking again. it's none of her business. they're not her boyfriends anymore.

she comes to realize she didn't mind the distance. she misses the few texts they shared, misses watching races and cheering on her boys. the short phone calls after where she congratulates them. waiting around until they made it back to their hotel even if it meant she would only get a few hours of sleep before work. she misses them coming in once a month to see her.

she feels stupid for not telling them how she felt sooner. she wishes she'd worded the text differently, that she'd told them how she felt and they listened and helped. she thinks about reaching out, to apologize, to say she wasn't thinking right, ask for another chance. she doesn't deserve one.

summer break rolls around and though she's still sad about it, she's not crying anymore. she's given up any idea of ever seeing them again and resigns herself to telling her grandkids about the time she dated two racecar drivers. she's just cleaned and rearranged her entire apartment to make herself feel something. the living room is flipped around, she bought a new tv stand and some new pictures to hang. got some funky lamps for mood lighting. she redoes her bedroom too, gets a new bedroom set at an antique sale and pays the seller's sons to move it because she doesn't have a truck. they even help carry out her old furniture and set up the new. even the dining room is redone, a friend got a new dining table and she swapped her friend's old one out for her own. it didn't fit anything else in her apartment and she'd had it since college, it was time to go.

she's almost feeling good. it's a little weird walking into her apartment and feeling like she walked into the wrong one, but in a good way. it feels like a fresh start in a way. she doesn't walk in and imagine lando and oscar on her sofa because the tv is in the place they used to sit. they've never been in her "new" bedroom, never sat on the new mattress she ordered. never showered under her new showerhead. she hid all of their gifts and the things they'd left behind in a box in her guest room closet, so the reminders of them are gone.

they're gone, until she wakes up to banging on her door in the middle of the night. she thinks someone is breaking in at first, when the banging stops suddenly. the silence is deafening, she's waiting to hear someone trying to open it, pick the lock or break a window to get in. instead, her phone buzzes on her night stand. she picks it up and feels her stomach drop.

oscar: i'm sorry it's late. i hope you haven't moved, because i've been banging on your door for five minutes.

why is he here? is lando here too? where is he? why isn't he here? what's happening? what do i do? a million questions run through her head at once and she freezes up. she thinks about pretending to be asleep. that she moved, that the knocking didn't wake her and she never saw the text. maybe she changed her number and moved. she could pretend. it would be easier, probably.

she thinks about it for too long, then realizes oscar's probably left. the text was sent six minutes ago. the thought sends her into a panic. she can't lose him again. she slips in her rush to get out of bed, curses herself for not buying a new rug to match her new bedding yet when her socks hit slippery hard wood floors and she slips, barely catching herself on the bed. she scrambles out of her bedroom, down the hall, barly skidding to a stop before she fumbles for the deadbolt and swings the door open.

he's still there. hands stuffed in his pocket, hair mussed from travel, probably. she can see his adams apple bob when he swallows and they both freeze, like they're on stage and both forgot their lines. she can smell his cologne and it makes her dizzy. it's like walking by a display in a store and knowing you smelled that smell on your third grade field trip to the local science museum. it's been so long that it feels foreign but you can place it exactly. they both stand there, staring, like they can't believe they're really seeing each other.

he opens his mouth to speak, then closes it. he lets out a sigh, "can i come in?"

she blinks, twice, before stepping aside and nodding. she watches his face as he steps inside and looks around. he takes his time taking everything in, his eyes scanning through the archway into the living room. she left her lamps on, so the room is lit by hot pink in one corner, lime green in the next, and blue in the next. it lights his face up in a pretty way, like the lights at the track do, or in a club. she's not sure what to do, so she offers a drink to give herself something to do. "cocoa?" the word feels weird in her mouth. it's only two syllables but her tongue feels thick and even that is hard. he doesn't look at her or say anything, just gives a nod. his hair flutters and she longs to run her hands through it. he does it, pushing the hair off his forehead. it makes her want to do it even more.

she side steps him and is grateful when she doesn't hear his footsteps follow her into the kitchen. would you blame her if she took as long as possible to make the drinks? she could do it faster. she's mastered the art of making hot chocolate every way possible. she has the powder mix for when she's lazy, and knows how to make it taste just as rich as the real thing. she also has expensive chocolate that will take longer to melt down than a powder will take to stir into milk. it's been her guilty pleasure since she broke things off, it feels chopping it up to give to oscar. it helped her though, so maybe it'll help now.

she wonders what he's doing, if he's still standing there or if he moved. if he sat on the couch in it's new spot, or if he's looking at the new wall hangings. if he can hear her chopping on the cutting board, setting things on the stove, getting the mugs out. she wonders if he's grateful for the time to think, too. she needs it considering she didn't know he was showing up. she didn't have time to prepare, but that's better, she would have overthought everything. she runs her fingers through her hair a few times to comb out any tangles and splashes some water on her face to clear her head a bit.

she's going to make the best hot chocolate he's ever had. she's going to put more effort into this mug of hot chocolate than any other. she believes melting the chocolate before adding it to the milk makes it better, so she sets up a double boiler on one burner and milk on another to melt the chocolate while the milk warms. once the chocolate is silky smooth and the milk is at an even 180 degrees, she mixes them. she takes her time whisking it together, occasionally swiping a finger across the whisk to taste it.

she's just biding her time. she chose what she's pretty sure is oscar's favorite mug, an orange one with a kangaroo inside. she bought it at a thrift store long before they met. when you finish your drink, there's a sculpted kangaroo sitting inside, like a little surprise. she likes serving people drinks in it and seeing their confusion, thinking something is in their drink before she says it's part of the mug. they finish their drink and coo at what's inside. oscar's reaction was her favorite; he asked where she got it and said he had to have one. she had no clue where it was from and offered it to him on the spot, and he sheepishly shook his head, "no, just use it when 'm here."

she hid it at the back of the cabinet, every morning she'd reach for it out of habit then get sad when she remembered oscar liked it. hiding it meant she didn't reach for it and get sad. tonight, she had to push all her other mugs out of the way and check it for dust so oscar could use it. at one point, she wished he'd taken it so she wouldn't have to see the reminder. now, she's glad she still has it so she has some common ground to latch onto.

she finds him in the living room, tucked into end corner of the couch, right next to the pink light. "sorry it took so long, i used the good chocolate." she mutters as she offers him the mug and sits in the middle of the couch, a safe distance away. she sets her own mug down on the table, a light blue one with a duck on the outside. she wants to crawl into his lap, say she's sorry, she's so happy to see him. that's not her place anymore, and she doesn't know why he's here. maybe he just wants their hoodies back.

he stares at the mug, wraps both his hands around it and she wishes he'd set it down and tuck his hands under her shirt to warm them like she used to. she can't read his expression when he counters, "i would have taken swiss miss." she doesn't know how to take that. is he saying she shouldn't have put in the effort, or he would be happy with anything she gives him?

she quirks a smile, "i thought you deserved the good stuff."

he hums, and lifts the mug up, "will i burn my mouth if i try to drink this now?" she blinks. he trusts her not to hurt him.

"i wouldn't. i just took it off the burner, i bet you'd see steam if the marshmallows weren't blocking it." his lips turn up in the smallest smile for just a moment and he sets it down next to hers. she keeps her eyes on the mugs as he sits back and suddenly shifts the conversation, "i'm sorry for just showing up. i was going to text but i was scared you would tell me not to."

she tries not to make a face but she winces. "you have nothing to apologize for, you haven't done anything wrong. and for what it's worth, i'm glad you showed up." she hopes it’s the right thing to say. she isn’t sure why she’s here and she doesn’t want to get her hopes up.

there's a soft touch on her arm and she almost flinches before she remember it's just oscar. his voice is soft just as soft as his touch, "you haven't either." his hand curls around her bicep and he tugs lightly. she immediately scoots closer and he pulls her into his side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “we should have reached out, should have shown up sooner. there's not-" he lets out a sigh, she feels him shift her and he squeezes her softly. “the distance, it's hard. we've been doing this a long time, we're used to not seeing our family more than one week a year. you haven't had that, never done this before. you don't know how to deal with it, but if you don't tell us you're struggling, we can't help."

he squeezes her shoulder and she leans into him, "i know. i just- it didn't feel like it would do any good. not like i could text you and you'd be here in an hour."

he shakes his head in the corner of her eye and grumbles, "no, but we would have found time to call you, found a way to come see you sooner. hell, if you could get off work we'd fly you out. fuck, that's not even the problem. why didn't you feel like you could tell us how you were feeling?"

there's a burning sensation that signals tears are coming, and her throat is tightening. she pushes the tears back and forces the words out, "i was scared, that i was the only one feeling like this. you have each other, why would you miss me? i don't have anyone."

oscar lets out a weak sound and pulls her closer, not close enough for her. she wants to be pressed against him in every way. "i'm sorry we made you feel that way. we have each other, yeah, but half the time, all we do is talk about you. missing you. i made lando buy the same shampoo so he’d smell like you. practically had to wash my drool out of his hair every morning.” as if for emphasis, he presses his cheek to her head and sniffs. “could pick you out from a blind test.”

she can't help the breathy laugh that escapes her, "really? you missed me that much? why didn't you tell me?"

oscar nods, "i didn't know you needed to hear it. i thought we were fine. i don't know if there were signs we missed or maybe, you kept it to yourself. it's not an excuse, but we're used to missing people, we can't change that, so we look forward to the next time we see you. sometimes, we're so busy, we don't have time to think about how much it hurts.”

she huffs, "i had too much time to think about how much it hurts."

oscar squeezes her to his side again, then huffs, "take a hint would you? get closer."

her heart thuds in her chest, "closer?"

he laughs a little, the air hits her cheek. "yes, closer. been trying to hold you, but you won't move."

immediately, she throws herself onto his lap, wedging a leg between his and the arm of her sofa so she can straddle him. it feels so good just to have someone close, and oscar feels like coming home. his cologne is the same, she can tell it’s been hours since he applied it, likely just before shoving it in his suitcase, but it lingers on him. he smells a bit like the airport, too, and she wonders how long it took him to get here. where he flew from, when he booked the ticket. it doesn’t really matter.

he’s filled out more through the season, his body is hard under her and she can’t tell if he’s tense or if it’s just hard muscle from lots of training. “i’m really sorry you were hurting. do you think, we could try this again? could you tell us, before it gets too much?”

she curls a hand around his bicep and sighs, "yes, god, i missed you so much. i'm really sorry, i should have said something. i- i would have taken it back, if you had said something, neither of you reached out. i didn't think you wanted me to.”

she can feel the rumbling in his chest against hers when he replies, it tingles her cheek where it’s pressed against his throat. "we didn't think you wanted us to. it felt planned out, i figured you wanted space. i thought you’d come to us when you were ready. lando tried to- i stopped him.” her heart almost shatters. she squeezes her eyes shut and forces back the tears. she can’t cry on him right now. “i was scared too, didn’t want him to find out he was blocked or something. i couldn’t- i didn’t know what to do. i didn’t want him to get hurt again.”

"space is the last thing i wanted." she whispers against his neck. at the mention of him hurting, her stomach twists into tight knots. she'd assumed they were fine. "is lando okay? why isn't he here?"

oscar stiffens under for, just for a moment, before relaxing, "yeah, he'll be okay, if we're gonna be okay. he’s in a hotel, didn't think you'd want to see him. didn't want to face the rejection."

a whimper slips out, "i didn't mean to make him feel like that. all i want is to see him. i should have said something sooner, before it was too much. i'm sorry."

oscar rubs her back softly, and, “we’re sorry too. we’ll do better this time, find more time to see you. reach out more. you gotta do the same, though. and let us know when you need us to be there for you.”

she nods against him, “i promise, i will. can you-“

“we’ll do the same. i’ll text you when i make lando wash his hair with your shampoo, and when i wake up because he’s talking in his sleep and he’s dreaming about you. make lando text you too. he’ll probably complain that i sleep on him when he smells like you and he prefers being the big spoon.”

she lets out a breath of air, almost a laugh but not quite, “i was gonna say, can you call lando? thank you for that though, it means a lot.”

oscar presses his face into her hair, mumbling, “you could call him, y’know? he’d probably love that.”

#ask #🪼 anon #tbh would have done more but i dont have time 😭#sorrrryyy baby #ln4/op81 #hope this is ok #havent fully proof read it n i skipped around a lot so sry for typos or anything confusing i didn’t rly edit

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that-foul-legacy-lover · 1 year

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i have a certain angsty prompt for you: so i remember headcanons that Childe doesnt have the best relationship with his parents. What if we dialed that up to 11?

His mother doesnt recognize him as her little Ajax anymore, only seeing an abyss beast in human body. His father doesnt look him in the eyes- the younger siblings still love him of course im not that mean

The only solace Childe and Foul Legacy have is you, the one soul that loves all sides of Childe

So when something happens, and hes stuck as FL, he flees the fatui and goes straight to you for comfort-

*sips my tea* anon, you've made my day hehe >:)

the last thing you were expecting was to open the door to the sight of Foul Legacy, hunched over in pain and faint whines coming from his throat. you quickly usher him inside where he promptly slumps into your arms, claws digging into your shirt like he's anticipating for you to pull away and desperately trying to prevent that. your arms snake around his waist as you gently shush him, asking what's wrong, what happened, but all Childe can do is let out wretched, hiccupping sobs and bury his head into your shoulder. his entire body is trembling, shaking with cries, so you tighten your grip and squeeze to give him something to ground himself to

it's finally sinking in how alone Childe is- his parents fear and despise Foul Legacy, and by extension him, and his siblings, while loving, only see the masked human side of him. it makes Childe sob harder, curling into your arms, your warmth, your love, because somehow you love every part of him, including Foul Legacy. it's only thanks to your comforting presence that he's able to fall asleep that night, and you sit quietly beside him, petting up and around his horns and contemplating your fate. you're not sure what will happen next, but you know that it'll be intertwined with Childe's, and you'll do all that you can to help him be safe and happy in this new permanent body

Childe's so scared that you'll have changed your mind when he wakes up the next morning, so terrified that you've realized that he's just a monster who needs to be discarded and nothing more, but instead he's met with your hands gently threading through his hair. he wants your touch- craves it so badly- and so he clings to you, the one person who loves both him and Foul Legacy. he doesn't want to go back to the Fatui despite how "useful" his Foul Legacy form would be in battle, the mere thought of it making his claws twitch with fear, so you offer to let him stay with you as long as he wants. he almost begins crying again when you say that, but settles for pressing his forehead into your back and holding you tightly without a word

your kindness truly knows no bounds

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junebudinfodumps · 1 year

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infodump #1: LaLaLand THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE!!!!!

this shit is straight from the notes app but with more cohesion (also this is from august)

thoughts about the ending:

i knew that rewatching lalaland was a bad idea and i knew that i would probably cry but i thought that maybe this time would be different!! it wasn’t. i’m now crying in my bathroom while trying to paint my nails but i’m also thinking about the devastating ending of that movie and how mia looks back at seb for one last time. and she does with it so much love and admiration in her eyes and seb looks back at mia with that same love and admiration and they’re both so proud of themselves and each other and how far they’ve come but the devastating part is the realization that they wouldn’t be where they are now if they had stayed together. it would’ve been one or the other and they would’ve been unhappy. the epilogue is just an idealization!!! mia became an actress but seb never got his club!!!!!!! so while they were happy with each other when they were together, it wouldn’t have sustainable and it would’ve ended even worse. it’s just so heartbreaking and i hate it. i hate it so much. but yet i come back to this devastating movie time and time again.

and what's worse is that even though they aren’t together anymore (and couldn’t be), they will always love each other and that shit hurts. that’s unconditional love and it hurts my feelings and i don’t like it.

thoughts about the start a fire scene:

the concert scene where seb is playing and the piano and is making eye contact with mia the whole time?? that scene is so important to me. the crowd rushed in to get closer to seb and mia is pushed away from him. mia is so confused in this scene as well because she knows it’s not jazz and she knows it’s not what seb wants to play. the crowd pushes her away from seb and it shows the distance that’s slowly growing between them because of how busy they both are getting with their own projects. it’s devastating. and then things get tight and things snap at the surprise dinner and that’s where everything starts to fall apart and start to end. they never really thought about their futures and how their career paths would fit in with their relationship. they obviously didn’t communicate with each other about how they thought things would go which makes me very sad. i know they wouldn't have been able to stay together no matter the amount of communication but maybe things would've ended a little softer and a little kinder.

my overall feelings and connection with this movie:

now it’s time to get personal. i was 12 when i first saw lalaland, and im now 18. ive been obsessed with this fucking movie FOR SIX YEARS. SIX!!!! so its clear that i really love this movie. i got my first taste when seb playing mia and sebastian's theme was reenacted on some award show. i was immediately hooked and listened to the soundtrack for weeks until i saw the movie with my best friend at the time. i went into that movie with every word of every song memorized. the guy sitting next to me got so annoyed at me whispering the songs that he left. anyways. i left that movie shell shocked. i know saying this movie changed me is cringe but i really do mean it. there was a hole in my heart craving something and this movie filled it perfectly.

over the next six years (six!?!?!?), i would rewatch this movie anytime that i could and every time i was left distraught with so many thoughts spilling out of my brain. my mom has heard a lot of these thoughts. she has also cried with me over this movie. i remember the one time where i watched this movie at boarding school. for some reason it fucked me over so badly this time and i cried over it harder than i’ve ever cried about it before. like sobbing. so hard. (and this was when i was an edge lord and wore so much eyeliner and mascara. i cried a lot of it off) it was sort of cathartic really, highly recommend it.

anyways, i think lalaland’s ending is what makes it truly memorable. and if you hate the ending of this movie you are wrong and stupid. you hate it because its realistic and it hurt and the movie gave you a false hope and grabbed that hope and crushed it like a can in front of you. this movie was like no other and thats what made it truly amazing. it didn't follow the path of hollywood magic and love prevails. it took the road less taken and decided to be mean. not everything can be like the honeymoon period of the movie, it had to end and it ended realistically and thats just part of the charm baby.

i will maybe go more into specific aspects of the movie but i have to rewatch it again before i can do that so stay tuned

#this movie means so much to me #i will never be normal about lalaland #i love it too much #june's info dumps #lalaland #la la land #mia and sebastian

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arsen1cs4ng0 · 1 year

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ughhhhhhhhhh a lot has been on my mind recently, im sorry im bringing up chip stuff that people just wanna forget, but. idk. i just need to talk. i really doubt anyone will actually see this but hey, its my blog, i'll ramble on about what i want lol

tw for suicidal thoughts in the "keep reading" bit below

back in february i made a post "calling out" gremlin + her friends as well as a little goodbye note to the fandom. recently ive been thinking about stuff more, wondering if maybe i should make a return and try to get my love for vosim back, but remembered just how much damage the fandom (more specifically, gremlin + her friends) did to me, my friends, yknow. everytime i thought about returning i'd remind myself i'd never go back. you gotta think: for months and months i was out there spending most of my time and energy defending my friends, trying to show people just how bad those people were, and after realising that nobody would ever believe me, i gave up. all of the chip shit i was dealing with really didnt help the fact i was battling depression + suicidal thoughts alongside all of that.

but, i dont know. recently ive just been craving the good times back despite it all, i want to relive the times where i'd stim seeing my friends' posts (especially the vosim art...,,,) and songs (one of the songs that made me stim like mad literally got me into sodikken months later lmao my hyperfixes are weird like that), i want to relive seeing the chip accounts interacting with eachother, in fact i was here wishing i joined the fandom properly a lot earlier because i really didnt want the good times to end.....

the fandom was my safespace for me. as much as certain people think im some "popular highschool bully who never grew up" (yes gremlin, i saw what you said about us, im not fucking dumb), i was being bullied really badly in secondary school, i was dealing with a really nasty breakup, my mental health was spiralling downwards really fast, i was dealing with people who i thought were my friends... you get the picture. with the fandom i was able to escape from all of that. and i'd escape by drawing vosim, usually creepy, pissed off or numb. it was stress relieving, it brought me so much happiness doing that!! then june 2022 came and it all went to shit since then. ha.

it hurts a lot. it really does. ive just been really empty since everything. i really don't know what to do or how i can move on from this once and for all. this was shit i was meant to move on from months ago, but it seems i cant even do that.

to my chip friends whove been here since the start: ive said this a thousand times + i will say it again: thank you. thank you so much for sticking around despite me struggling and moaning about all of this shit for months on end. in fact thank you for everything. words cant describe how grateful i am to have met y'all and i genuinely dont know where i'd be without y'all ;___;

ramble over i think.

#suicidal thoughts tw #how can i move on??#harmony hollers

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the-leader-in-blue · 1 year

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Ooc//can tou tell i Also yearn?

It was horrible,Orpheus pressed her back against the door as her hand covered her mouth,trying to stifle the sobs that shook her shoulders. God,how did they become such a mess,their friend (the word felt wrong to discribe Leo,he wasn’t a friend,he was so much more to them..) was on his way,after moths of radio silence Orpheus has finically gained the courage to contact him again,he was ok his way and Orpheus was a mess,their mascara smeared the side of his cheeks and his lips bleed from how much they bit them trying to silence her cries. Months of loneliness has broken him,but he hasn’t cried this much in years,he gasped for air as he slid down the door and brought his knees close to his chest,loud hiccups echoing across the empty apartment as she buried her head in her knees,hand arms wrapped around herself as a pathetic attempt at comfort. There where so many things they wanted to tell him,they wanted to hold him while the sun falls,they wanted to wake up next to him and have that briefest moment of peace,she wanted to be able to not be alone,and have that feeling of love they craved oh so much. They knew it was just a daydream,she knew she wasn’t loveable,she knew all her worst traits, and still he was coming over. Another choked sob escaped her as she curled up impossibly tighter, he know how horrible she was,he had seen the worst parts of her and he still cared,he still cared enough to come to her apartment ,to stay with her,to make sure that she was okay. Their nails dug into their legs as they sobbed,in the back of their mind they could feel their nails digging into their skin,but it was pushed aside. It was funny,Orpheus never wanted much,but the one thing they wanted,they couldn’t have, they wanted something so soft and gentle they knew that I’d they came close it would shatter. They wanted quiet mornings with someone they loved,they wanted to be able to bask in the silence without feelings so alone. Orpheus never understood yearning until now,for years they had heard of people falling head over heels ,and it seemed so funny to them until now,they weren’t falling no they where plummeting,it was so much more that anyone else discribed,it was so much to them. Their nights where plagued by thoughts of someone,someone they wanted so badly but they knew they would never have, it was cruel,because what god would let her love someone so much? Who would be cruel enough to watch her suffer through love? She hates that this isn’t the love they’ve seen before,they hate that it treads the line between friends and lovers,just as they felt like they where on a tightrope around him,ready to plummet any time

(this was just stream of conscious style writing ,but I’ve also been reading Shakespeare so )

-🦭

ooc\\ oh my fucking god oh god oh my actual god im in tears AGH

orpheus :( im so fuckigngj sad

#ooc #new kin unlocked #orpheus

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pr3ttyl1ps · 22 days

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to you:

i yearn for you in the way that dantes yearned for mercedes; like romeo for juliet; like the tides for the moon; you pull me in and out, but eventually you’ll pull me all the way in. i can feel it everywhere inside me that is what i want. that i want to be with you. if we were split apart in any way, i think my atoms would be torn to shreds and i could never feel whole ever again. there’s a bottomless pit in my stomach that craves being loved, cared about, and chosen. you are the only person that has been able to successfully fill that void in a fulfilling and enriching way. you are my other half, my ride or die, my best friend, my soulmate. you’re my lover. im sorry for what i did to jeopardize everything. i hope you also feel the same remorse.

right now im at a point where im letting go of the past. what’s said is said, what’s done is done. i know deep down you never meant any harm my way. deep down, i know he’s not who you want or wanted. deep down, i know you saw me in his eyes, and yearned for my touch instead. there are so many lessons here, my mind just feels flooded. im sorry that im gonna need time to think about it and process everything. but i can say one thing for certain..

amidst all the buzz in my brain, the way i feel for you is the only clear cut feeling that i can envision. i can hear and see clearly how my love for you still rises above all the other feelings attached to everything that happened. and that, to me, is enough.

you don’t understand how badly i want to do things right with you. to prove to you the better man i can be for you, for my friends, for my parents, for my siblings, even for all of the people that have wronged me in the past; everyone that i care about. i want to build my life with you. when i see the future, no matter what path i choose, i always end up with you. whether i drop another lover to be with you, or i wait for you an eternity; in a world where the odds of everything feel like a trillion to one, how sure i feel about being with you is the only odd i’m willing to bank everything on.

i want you to be able to heal from everything and move on. i also have to remind myself that i also deserve closure. but i desperately want you to know how much i care about you; how much i love you; and how much i miss you. and that i look forward to sharing my life with you forever.

i never want to make you feel unloved again. you’re my girl; you mean absolutely everything to me. for now, i need to be able to forgive myself for pushing you to the point of no return. but the only thing i can control right now are my current and future actions. and trust me, there won’t be a day during this time where how i feel about you will go unsaid. you deserve to hear how much i love and appreciate you. and since you’re entrusting in me your life and future, then i want to make sure i don’t treat you in a way where you feel like you need to doubt my love for you anymore. i’m willing to lay everything down on the table; to break the rules just to tell you that i love you; that you’re more to me than just a partner; that you’re the universe’s greatest gift. you don’t owe me anything. you didn’t even owe me these past few days. but i know now that the reason why you offered such closeness and reconnection is because you do love me and want to be with me; that you feel as intensely for me as i feel for you.

our love is an eternal flame that can never be put out. i can beat myself up for how i treated you forever, or i can rejuvenate our flame and make it brighter by making the changes necessary to be with you and to be better for myself. our love supersedes any demand; our love for each other is insurmountable; there’s not a single challenge that we can’t overcome. and now that the worst is over, i think we can get through anything.

god i adore you, and your kindness. i don’t want to take advantage of that again. i don’t want you to be wrong about me. this is it for me. i’m in this with you forever.

i really hope you feel the same.

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vczcv · 1 month

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it feels like i was just 12 yesterday. now im looking for an apartment and a job. i hate time i wish it didnt exist. i am excited to be able to live by myself though. just because ill be able to do what i want and make my own decisions. i js wanna cut, cum, or cum, cut, smoke, drink and go to sleep, wake up whenever i want to. i cant wait to spend my days doing those things and being able to go to my apartment complexs roof and lie down to stare and the stars and moon while smoking. i cant wait to get off my meds so i can actually orgasam again. i cant wait to have sex again. its been almost 4 years. i feel like im loosing it, because i am. everything can turn me on and i hate myself for it i so badly crave the feeling of climax. i miss it so much. i miss being able to cut without feeling woozy. it makes me feel like such a pussy. my meds make my senses insane. i cant wait to have freedom from my crazy family. theree so much i want to do when i move out. worst part is, ill need a cover job so i can get an apartment. my planned job is onlyf#ns. i feel like i would be really good at it, and it seems super easy, besides the fact that it slowly ruins ur brain, ive already long passed that line when i went on omegle showing guys my boobs when i was just a kid. i hate myself so much. i feel bad for my kid self. theres nothing i can do about it now. i dont want to get better. sure ill have some things ill do, some times, some moments where ill be able to pretend im actually not a total horrible person, like whenever ill grt accepted into taking horse riding lessons, listeing to mlp music, swimming with sharks, going shopping for lps, hanging out at the book store, and maybe even adopting a dog. i still want to die every day. i dont deserve to live. ive done too many bad things that i wouldnt hesitate to do again. i just want to try everything i want to try so i can experience everything i love to the fullest. im going to sleep now, its 2am, i hope i have no dreams because i mostly have nightmares. goidnight my little ghost account journal.

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bl00dybat · 3 months

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i miss being pure a lot. it was ruined so early. it didnt even start with SA it started with exposure to sexuality so young and being sexualized. why tf was i sexualizing myself so young?? why tf were people sexualizing me so young and showing me sexual shit?? it feels so disgusting and ive always felt disgusting. it all just escalated with people sexualizing me as well as a kid, harassing me, touching me AHH so much. spring and summer gives me nostalgic feelings from when i was young and nothing mattered. i hate working and seeing kids come in with their parents so full of love and life, i feel so jealous i want to cry, i wish i could start over. i know everyone wishes they were a kid again and having a child is like being able to relive it yourself and shape them in a better way than what you had. i could never have a kid. my parents didnt even know i was being tainted and i felt too much shame to tell them. being think wont resort me back to being a child. i know this. but even as a kid i had in my mind i needed to be small. the more i gained weight the more i appeared like a girl and the more disgusted i felt with myself. being small meant control and looking more masculine. it still feels that way. itll be so long before i can get surgeries and really feel complete. until then i want to shed myself of this shame full of fat. ive failed at restricting these past 3 days and i feel so ill. i was so close to 149. so fucking close. i had to be a fat piece of shit and just stuff my fucking face. craving a bit of comfort and distraction from what i feel. from going to sleep. i dont want to be forced to relive the pain everytime i go to bed. its always something horrible in some twisted way. i dont want to sleep and acknowledge this day is truly over and tomorrow i am still this person. i have to learn to love myself or i can never enjoy this life. i wish it was easier to not have such strong restrictions on what i feel is ok for me to be and do. i keep relapsing in self harm and i know being in servers that have enablers for sh and ed doesnt fucking help but god i just dont want to feel alone. i cant confide in anyone here it just causes more worry and pain and its so difficult to see them suffer because im struggling so much. theres nowhere to hide but here and i feel like eventually itll be discovered and ill be sent to a hospital or some shit to go through the same cycle ive been through 8 times before, just wasting peoples time and money. i do try to get better and not keep up horrible coping skills nothing fucking works nothing is enough to distract running away doesnt help i dont want to run but i dont want to be beat up by my brain anymorw i just want to feel numb i just want to be hurt I JUST WANT TO BE HURT please anything to make this shutupni dont want to see horrible flashbacks anymoreni hate this ptsd i hate the pain i hate the ghosts i dont want a life full of trauma i dony want to focus on all the bad i want to be ok so badly but none of this is okay my body isnt okay ill neveg be okay at this weight i have to punish myself by not eating people spend too much on me as is and its so costly just to keep me alive why bother with the extra shit?? i want to be loved and coveted but also hated and beaten until i have no choice but to die, i never reached my goals i never became a tattoo artist it is so painful to lose what little progress ive made in life but it is more painful than torturing myself everyday unconsciously? its painful to think all memoriesnof this life could be erased, nothing i did ever mattered, a handful of people remember me and when theyre gone it willnbe nobody. but i feel like such a shitstain in the world anyway and undeserving of being remembered. i already fuckednup so much please just let me restart. i would if it wouldnt hurt my bf and family so much. its torture. why be hurt because of losing me? there is nothing that is lost. i promise i dont matter and ive made you think i matter out of desperation. im sorry.

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minhosbitterriver · 4 months

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omg deadly craving sounds AMAZING but i understand that it may be hard to write !!

also, im not doing okay, i think this is finally the moment where i should accept the fact that it has gotten bad again ?? i dont know i just really tried to push that idea out of my mind, since it really isnt that bad yet, is it? but it is in fact that bad lmao anyway, im just trying to motivate myself since my first ever exam session is in less than a month and i need to study, so thats what takes up most of my mind rn

im so sorry for venting im not gonna do it again im sorry

how about you love?🫶🏽

—👒

Maybe I’ll be able to figure out how to put it into words, until then, there’s that snippet of one of my most beloved WIPs.

Oh love, I totally understand what you mean by that. It’s hard to accept that you’re not doing as well as you’d thought sometimes, it’s frustrating too. Try to be a little kind with yourself about it though, because it’s nobody’s fault. As human beings, we’re sentenced to having our highs and lows and we just have to roll with it sometimes (easier said than done, I know). If you feel that things are going badly, try to keep in mind that it’s your brain trying to communicate with you so try and listen and be patient while you do.

What kind of exam sessions do you have, if you don’t mind me asking? Either way, I’m wishing you all the luck, I’m sure you’ll do great <3

And finally, don’t apologize! My inbox will always be open if you need someone to talk to, ask for advise or just vent! I really do mean it when I tell you to dump your problems on me if you need to, I’m here to listen.

To answer your question, I’m doing okay-ish. I’m flying out to visit my girlfriend on the 5th of this month so that’s what keeps me going. Then after that we both go back to college, which is something I’m really not looking forward to because school and me haven’t along well in a while. Don’t mind me being a burnt out former gifted child.

#green’s 👒#green’s asks #green’s anons

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lateassignment · 11 months

Text

you know. its like. im sorry for the things ive done and said and thought in this life. i dont understand how it is not obvious that im sorry. I dont understand who i am supposed to apologize to. The tell tale heart seems to be beating, yet i have told the tale and it still beats.

I don't understand why people seem to think that what i go through is nothing. I understand that it is not everything. but its not nothing. and i do my best, i have always done my best not to think of what other people have gone through as nothing. and i have done my best to reflect and i have done my best to learn and stay positive and i am sorry.

I don't understand what is going on and i am trying to find a solution that fits but nothing ever does. there are broken pieces everywhere and i am tired of walking around them. i am trying to clean them up

Im trying and im sorry? but sometimes i dont even know what im sorry for. sometimes i do. but sometimes its like the world expects an apology for an action that exists out side of my own meta. like i must apologize for shooting some sixth dimensional being in the heart when i woke up.

im sorry for it all. it feels like what the world wants if for me to kill my self. or someone else. it feels like all anyone ever wants is blood. I mever wanted to be like that.

I spent my whole like hoping that what i knew about the world was false. that the evil acts people committed were from pain and pain alone. I wanted it to be true so badly. And its so silly. I know. I just wanted the people that said they loved me to be telling the truth.

I wanted love to be something that is given with clarity and choice. I wanted there to be a reason behind all this. Some great experiment, or maybe no reason at all. just silly animals just stumbling around hoping to find shelter and comfort.

It is childish to think that. But I never believed in purity, i never believed in a villain. I believed i corrupt systems, i believed in hurt people, i believed that redemption was the natural path.

and it's silly. i know, and i knew that there are people who crave power. i guess i blamed it all on ignorance, on people closing theyre senses to pain because they did not want to be the cause of it. because growing hurts.

and i still believe in all of those things. I think. Im not even sure what has changed. I believe, and always have in small evils. I have believed and always have believed in the strange complexity. I have tried again and again to let go of good vs evil. of one vs the other. its just us and often times we disagree

but you can not win a war that you refuse to fight, and you can not survive it either.

and i have never believed in monsters. i am always digging some grave for the next person i must bury. because i cant stand the idea that they wont be able to rise from the dead.

and it gets better as you get older. they always say that. but it has just been getting worse.

I am crazy and I am crying and I am wishing that the foundations of the world were not cracked.

Sometimes I wish i knew how to go in and fix it all. Sometimes i think that to fix it the whole thing must be torn down. Sometimes I thing the foundation is rotting anyways, and it will fall in its own with me inside. and sometimes i think that the only reason anyone cares is the crack has let in the smell of decay

#and so the blood hits the ground now dont you feel better?#they will write about you in history books. they will say the blood of the evil was spilled and washed away #they will say you were good because you waited because you took your time they will say you had mercy like no other #and then they will spill the next evil blood and they will think of you and wash it away #then you will be written about in history books #and you will be written about in legend #and the blood will still disolved into the water they all drink #but isnt it funny? that to kill one is objectly less pain then to kill more? itsnt it funny that something so unquantifiable can be compared #and it can be. it is not an opinion though we try to make it so #and isnt that funny? doesnt that make you laugh? that evil exists? yet also doesnt?#anyways sorry for being weird and formal. im avoiding homework

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another-notebook · 2 years

Text

Dear No one,

It's already year 2022. It's been a while since i wrote here and post an update on my life. I should start updating here more.

Well, this year 2022, i took alot of my time on reading books. Romance book specifically because my love life is so boring and not exciting at all. I read romance books alot and i wish/hope some of it happens to me (lol thats not gonna happen)

Updates on life. Still working in the office as per usual. COVID19 situation has reduce(i think) but so far so good. Need to start planning to go overseas especially Seoul, Korea (again!) Some of my friends which im not close to, got married and one of my close friend is pregnant again. SUPER HAPPY !

Well, good news is that me and my 3rd sister gonna be the new owners for my current house and once my 2nd sister moves out and my room is completely furnished, We plan to keep cats. I know there's al ot of responsibilities of keeping cats and i still have a ongoing convincing my mom about keeping cats and what need to be done to cat proof the house. She somewhat half way convinced and at the same time said, her own words, "if the cats run out of the house, i'm not gonna chase it. I'll let it be" Well... good luck to me.

Again, I don't think im able to settle down because of the house and whatnot. Though, i still crave for affection (badly) Time will come i guess. My friend pursuade me to download dating app again after last year, i went out to hking with a guy from okc and also made a rash decision to not continue meeting the guy. He was kind and nice tho but i couldnt trust myself. The anxiousness got real and i backed out quickly too. He deserved someone better than me. I wish i was brave to take the risk on being a relationship. 😮‍💨 I've been constantly feeling lonely but i kept myself occupied with books and gaming sessions with my buddy. I play Apex Legends mobile and Dead by Daylight mobile. Call of duty mobile too but its been a while.

Nothing much changes but hopefully everything goes well. I wish yall SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN (since its the 3rd day of Raya) Till next time !!

BBbyong,

Ar.

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ellebabywrites · 5 years

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Feelings rant in tags

#elle hours #delete later #okay so im in my feelings yet again and questioning my existence yet again and just my overral ability to love and be loved YET AGAIN #and i know i worry a lot about anyone ever loving me #loooool #but seriously like i just dont think ill ever be loved or even deserve that kind of love and at this point im just accepting that ill be #alone forever #but more so lately ive been worrying about my own ability to love #as a concept its just really hard for me to understand ; irl feelings scare the hell out of me and i just dont know how to connect with #those feelings #and that scares me because all i really want is to love someone that loves me with my whole heart but whenever things even slightly start #im just like ‘ew gross no’#like its too ‘real’#and i dont know how to deal #its probably my biggest fear tbh #that ill never be able to connect with someone or love them the way i crave so badly #lol i probably just need a threapist #but also #im a fucking mess like ... all of the time #i dont think i could put anyone through that #im completely serious about this #its part of the reason i dont want kids #i know that im too much and i would destroy them #i couldnt do that #so i kind of feel like i dont deserve anyone loving me because im a mess and would only hurt them

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smutsonian · 3 years

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Or having a safe word with ransom drysdale and one night using it because it is all getting too much and him ignoring you saying it so you start trying to push him off you and cry but that just causes him to carry on

limits

ransom drysdale x reader

summary: ransom shows you just how much he loves you?

warnings: DARK!RANSOM, there’s some gaslighting happening here, SMUT, NONCON/DUBCON, overstimulation, safe words, not proofread, basically just p*rn

word count: 1.1k (guess im putting this on the oneshot list

an: I so badly wanted to post something today so I tried to shit something out today and this happened so if this is all over the place, my bad. Let me know if i forgot something 😅

masterlist

Ransom has you gagged while he continues to go down on you, giving you what seems to be your fourth (or was it fifth?) orgasm with his mouth. It was pleasurable at first and you were drowning in want and you started to want more but it doesn’t feel like you’re going to be able to take his cock now that you’re all spent with the orgasms, he continues to be giving you with just his mouth.

“Another one?” His smug tone vibrates through your soaking cunt, pushing you into another bliss before he finally pulls away from your cunt with a big grin. “Such a mess for me, aren’t you?” He wiggles his brows at you before guiding your legs and wrapping them around his torso. You sigh in relief, thinking that he’ll finally give you what you’ve been craving for which appears to be just as needy as you are at the way it’s staining his slacks. He’s bulging and it looks like he’s really… really hard. You’re so sure that he’s going to quench both of your cravings but his next actions have your eyes widening in excitement as well as in fear.

“Let’s see how many times I get to make you cum with my fingers,” he leans forward to whisper in your ear before pressing a kiss to your gagged mouth at the same time he plunged a finger into you. Your mind is already foggy from all the peaks you’ve reached so you’re not really understanding what’s happening but you find yourself easily releasing again when he added another finger into your sore and very sensitive cunt.

“Aaannd another one…” He smirks, not stopping or even slowing down as your walls clench around his fingers. He wipes your tears away with his free hand before moving them down to palm your breasts, pinching and teasing your hard nipples before chuckling at how your body spasms when his fingers hit a special spot which causes you to yet again cum on his fingers. “That’s another one!” He exclaims with a toothy grin before watching your face with curious eyes.

“I can’t take another one, Ransom,” you say or at least try to say with the gag in your mouth. Ransom acts like he didn’t hear you and continued to plunge his fingers into your abused cunt, using his thumb to tease your clit this time.

“Red!” You shout through the gag, brain no longer working as you waited for him to stop. He never did.

“Hmm? What was that? You want more?” He tilts his head to the side before nodding at you with a chuckle. “Anything for my greedy little girl,” he presses a kiss on your forehead before using his skillful fingers to bring you to another high. “Oh! That’s it, hunny! Squirt on my fingers, baby. Show me how good I make you feel!” He praises you but you didn’t pay much attention because your ears are ringing with all the pleasure being washed upon you and your vision is already becoming blurry in exhaustion.

“Ahh, I can’t take it anymore. I wanna feel you around me. How wet you are for me,” he pulls on your hips, positioning it closer to his cock and smirking at your cries when he taps his hard tip onto your very sensitive clit. “Pretty sure I made you wet enough,” he slams into you, ignoring your hands that tried pushing on his abdomen and letting out a groan into your ear as he hugged your body closer to his. “So fucking tight and warm, baby!” He pulls out before slamming back in, rutting into you with a speed that made your eyes cross in exhaustion. You don’t think you can take any of it anymore.

“RED! RED!” You scream through the gag, tears falling down your eyes when Ransom didn’t seem to understand your words.

“RANSOM RED!” You plead, hitting his back with your clenched hands but he only groaned in response.

“Just. A. Little. Bit. More.” He thrusts into you with each word before stilling inside you, cock twitching as he starts to spill his seed into you. He moves one hand down to start stimulating your clit which shook your head at, pleading him to stop. That you can no longer take another release but just like before, he didn’t understand you so he continued.

“AH FUCK!” He screams in pleasure when your walls tightened around him while he’s cumming. His cock continues to twitch inside of you as the both of you tried to breathe through your orgasms.

Ransom let out a sigh before caressing your face with a gentle hand, face sporting a worrisome look when he saw the dejected look on your face.

“Baby…” He quickly removes the gag on your mouth before pressing a chaste kiss on your lips and pulling away. “What’s wrong, hunny?” His worried eyes stared at you and your heart fell at how his joyful expression turned into a guilty and gloomy one.

“Nothing,” you smile at him tiredly. “Just really exhausted…” You didn’t want to take his joy away. It’s not like he did that on purpose. It was just a little accident. The gag was a bad idea and you would talk to him about it next time.

“You know I love you right?” He looks at you, eyes glossy as he pleads at you with those blue eyes.

“Of course, Ransom.” You press a kiss to his lips to which he responds with a giddy smile.

“And you love me just as much, right?” His right brow twitches, a nervous tick, which made your heart skip a beat.

“Of course, I do. Why would you even ask that?” You press another kiss on his lips, arms wrapping around his torso before you felt his cock twitching inside of you.

“I’m the only one who can make you feel this way, right?” Ransom’s nose flared as he straddles you, eyes flashing with lust before he starts thrusting into you again.

Your head falls back in ecstasy. You’re too sore, tired, and stimulated to object so you can only nod in response.

“That’s what I thought,” Ransom whispers before plunging his cock into you again. And again. And again.

It’s going to be a long night and Ransom thanks the gods for giving him a very loving woman who loves him just as much as he loves her.

Ransom knows that you’ll talk to him about the gag. He’ll tell you to use the tapping method as a safe word.

He’ll just have to gag you and tie you up the next time.

---

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General: @readermia @unlikelygalaxygiver @xoxabs88xox @anncutamarica @chaoticfiretaconerd @i-love-superhero @caffiend-queen @coconutqueen21 @jtargaryen18 @jennmurawski13 @mushyjellybeans @ninjabucky @evnscvll @buckstaybucky @donutloverxo @rebloggingeverything @adriannajackson @la-cey @awaywithtime @gotnofucks @littlegasps

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#ransom imagine #ransom x reader #ransom smut #ransom thrombey x reader #ransom drysdale #ransom drysdale x reader #dark daddy ransom #dark ransom drysdale x reader #dark fic #dark!fic #dark!ransom drysdale #dark!ransom drysdale x reader #dark ransom drysdale imagine #hugh ransom drysdale imagine #ransom drysdale/reader

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sombreboy · 4 years

Text

Please, noona ⤑ switch!jjk

✗ 18+ ✗ pairing: switch!jjk x dom!female reader ✗ genre: pwp smut ✗ word count: 1.5k ✗ warnings: profanity, blowjob, big dick, unprotected sex/creampie. (he subby but then switches at the end ok ok enjoy.) smh im jealous of koo in this one.

Hey, I heard you like subby men. @chimoona ily or something

You knew he loved it though..

He loved feeling helpless underneath, being nothing but a plaything for you.

“Just fuck me already…” Jungkook whined in annoyance, tugging at the cuffs above him that kept his wrists tightly pinned to the headboard. He watched the way your head slowly bobbed up and down on his cock, not too slow— but definitely not hard enough for his liking.

It was infuriating as fuck.

You didn’t respond, ignoring his bratty attitude by driving his cock deep down your throat, keeping his bulbous head lodged in the back of it as you stared up at him with a piercing gaze.

Nothing was more rewarding than watching him fall apart for you.

“Fuck…. Please, please…” his eyebrows were tightly knit together as he was unable to look away, cock throbbing desperately in your throat.

You didn’t move. It drove him absolutely insane.

“I can’t stand it, noona! Please move! My cock hurts…”

It hurt because you’d been edging him for so long.

You knew he loved it though..

He loved feeling helpless underneath, being nothing but a plaything for you.

You slowly ripped his length from your throat, saliva dribbling down your chin as you smiled, crawling up on top of the man to kiss him, deep and rough with tongue, swirling your wet muscle around his own. He moaned, the sound so whiny and sweet on your tongue as he squirmed underneath you, the taste of himself on your tongue only fueling his arousal.

You pull back to stare down at him with a wicked smile, tilting your head to the side as you observe his expressions.

“What do you want, little bun? Hm?” You coo softly, brushing his dark curls away from his face. He sighed quietly from your touch, bucking his hips upwards against your fleshy ass.

“I want to cum inside of you. Please. Fuck me, god please..” Jungkook threw his head back against the pillow beneath him, whining and begging for you to grant him something, anything to relieve his painful, aching desires.

‘’I’ve been so good for you, haven’t I?” He added, his doe eyes swirling with nothing but pure submission for you, a slight hint of sadness. He wanted you so bad it physically hurt his heart just thinking about not getting it.

‘’Ah, such a pretty boy when you beg, Koo.’’ You lifted yourself up from where you sat, clothed cunt hovering above where his slick cock laid on his lower abdomen, throbbing in anticipation as he watched you tug your panties to the side, exposing what he’s been craving all along. ‘’Is this what you want?’’ You wrap your fingers delicately around his heavy length, bringing the leaking, swollen head of his cock to rub it up and down your slit, gathering and spreading your juices up to your clit before using him to pleasure yourself. A quiet moan slips past your lips that has Jungkook’s entire body shuddering underneath you, the rustling sound of the chains on the handcuffs striking the room as he kept yanking his arms. He wanted to touch you so fucking bad, to show you just how good he could fuck you if he was given the power.

But it was more fun this way.

‘’Noona….’’ Jungkook’s pitch got higher as he gasped, the self control he possessed was uncanny, holding back from trying to fuck right up into your cunt. He wanted you to sink down on him when you decided to. ‘’Please, please, please…’’

Finally, fucking finally, you gave him what he wanted, slamming down your ass against his upper thighs as his entire length pushed inside of you in one swift, harsh motion. A series of curses slipped through Jungkook’s lips, his body trembling, his head snapping from one side to the other. He was a complete mess for you, your pussy was a fucking wonderland to him.

It was heaven.

‘’Ah, Kookie, you’re so big…’’ You breathed out, placing your palms on his chest for leverage as you began to grind on his cock, using him for your own pleasure. He fucking loved it.

‘’Stretching my tight cunt so well.. Does it feel good baby? Tell me.’’

‘’Yeah, s-shit, fuck..’’ Jungkook’s lower lip was swollen from biting back his moans, but to no avail. The second you started to move up and down on him without mercy, his jaw went slack, lips parting as heavy breaths and moans erupted from his throat.

‘’Yes, noona, it feels so good, keep using me until you cum, please..’’

He was such a good boy, how could you deny him when he begged so well?

You couldn’t…

‘’I will use your pretty cock, my little bun.’’ Your nails dug into the soft flesh of his chest, dragging them down to his stomach. His eyes fluttered shut, hips bucking up to meet you every single time you came down on him, the sound of your skin slapping together sinful and absolutely wonderful.

‘’Are you grateful? That I’m going to cum from using you?’’ You continued, picking up in speed, rolling your hips down. It was difficult to say much else, breathy moans emitting from your lips with every meeting thrust of his own. He was strong, well built, and you loved the desperation in his body to feel you more, deeper, faster, harder.

‘’Thank you, noona… Thank you, I love you, use me, please-- a-are you close? I can’t..’’ Jungkook’s voice broke into a sob when you clawed at his sides, fucking yourself on his cock harder. ‘’I can’t hold it mu-uch longer..’’

The wet sounds of his cock pushing into you was mesmerising, his eyes hyper fixated on how his length disappears every time your hips slam down on him. His body twitches with pleasure, the restraints leaving bruises on his wrists as he continuously jerks at them, annoyed whines turning into frustrated growls the closer he is to cumming.

‘’Y/N, let me loose, I want to fuck you so so bad, please..I promise I’ll fuck you so good.’’

You slow down, procrastinating both of your orgasms, watching his growing frustration turning into aggression. He was so riled up, and as he promised, you were sure he was going to fuck you good if you release him from the cuffs.

He’d earned it, and you craved it...

‘’Okay, bun. I’ll expect you to make me cum with your cock. Or I won’t let you loose next time.’’ You playfully taunted him, and he felt the corner of his lips tug at your words.

The very second the click of his cuffs echoed, falling from his wrists, he lunged at you with such force that you yelped. He swiftly handled your body with his strength, flipping you over to your stomach. He pulled at your hips, ass up, before shoving his cock back into you, giving you no time to prep yourself on your elbows before he started to fuck you with the utmost greed.

‘’Oh god, yes, Jungkook!’’ You moan his name, cheek pressing against the soft duvet as you allowed him to use your body this time around, body jolting forward with every thrust.

‘’Gonna c-cum, keep fucking me!’’

Jungkook initially had planned for himself to be able to hold himself from cumming until he’d made you cum first, but it was easier said than done with the absolutely sinful sounds you made, the way your body jiggled with every snap of his hips… Fuck, it was too much.

‘’Fuck, fuck, fuck, no…god, I--’’ Jungkook gasped, cursing through gritted teeth as his hips stuttered, his cum gushing into you-- so, so much, he’d been edged for so long that everything built up flushed out with his release. It was overwhelming, but your moaning spurred him to keep fucking into you through his orgasm-- ignoring the oversensitivity to the best of his ability, he wanted you to cum so badly.

‘’Please, noona, cum-- I can’t, I can’t, I fucking, ah…’’ Jungkook sobbed, gnashing his teeth together as his hips went into a frenzy, fucking into you with his still rigid length, cum sloshing inside of you with every thrust. Most of it dribbled down your thigh and pooled at the sheets, being forced out from your cunt as he fucked you.

As on cue, you hid your face in the duvet, gasping out a silent cry, tugging at the bed. You came around his cock, body tensing up and trembling, the pattern of spasms of your fleshy walls squeezing his sensitive length so hard that he cursed out a high pitched moan.

Jungkook slowed down, breath heavy and in tandem with yours slowly coming back down to normalcy. He winced when he pulled himself off of you to lay down, wrapping his arms around you in a sweaty hug. You nuzzle up against his chest, pressing a little kiss on his chin when he glanced down at you.

‘’Did I do well, noona?’’ He asked, hand mindlessly rubbing down your flushed back.

‘’You did so well, my bun.’’ You praised, looking back up at him again, reaching to brush away his overgrown fringe from his eyes.

‘’Such a good, pretty boy.’’

#fic: please noona #jungkook smut #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jungkook x yn #jungkook x y/n #sub jungkook #sub jjk #switch jungkook #switch jjk #bts smut #sub bts #jungkook x dom reader

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