#i don’t want to die

[wyrm-with-a-why]

Math test

*dies*

#help meeee #i don’t want to die #help helpppp #waaaaa #save meeee #somebody anybody

[miniatureeyes]

yo what do you guys do to keep your electrolyte/ potassium levels up? trying so hard to eat a variety to balance nutrition but my heart still isn’t happy

#exercised for like 5 min last night and had to stop bcos my heart was palpitating #tightness in my chest and shallow breathing in the shower this morning #i don’t want to die #someone help #fighting my ed #eating disorder #ed not ed sheeran #ed not sheeran #anorexia nervosa #pic not mine #just wanted to catch your attention #isn’t she lovely tho #bambydary #dária skrygina #insta #anorexia #thinspo #electrolytes #potassium #nutrient deficiencies #ed recovery #recovery #pro recovery #weightloss #weight gain

[nympthanthe]

cosmo and wanda for my birthday i wish homestuck never existed

#not tagging this #i don’t want to die

[hearts4pearlescentmoon]

fuck this shit I need to drown

I need to feel the cold embrace of the sea

I want to feel the water fill my lungs as I tirelessly try and reach the surface

I want to feel my lungs nose and thought fucking burn with the salt of the cold cold cold sea

I need to watch my eyes close as I feel the dark creep in, the water being my last ever thought

You don’t understand how much I fucking want it

#I don’t want to die #i just want to drown #make sense?

[mymindisfrayed]

✨Exist’nt✨

Just wanting to not be.

Like when you have something important to do but can’t be arsed to do it and you know that if you don’t you’re thoroughly fucked so you give it a shot but then give up and decide that maybe just not having to exist at all in the first place would be ideal cause then you wouldn’t have to deal with that thing in the first place.

Exist’nt is the solution.

#just me? #i have problems #school #suffering #life #literally in a nutshell #yes im experiencing this right now #im always saying this #i don’t want to die #I just want to not exist #exist’nt #cant suffer and stress if you never existed

[ourbastardofsorrows]

crying in my classroom during lunch bc the school not even 5 minutes down the street is on hard lockdown for a potential shooter

#tia text #school shooting mention #i hope they’re all right. i hope there’s no weapon #i don’t want to die

[boygirlcreature]

Something about sobbing into your partners arms and saying that you don’t want to die hits different

#sorry for being depressed on main but I don’t know where to go from here #I think it’s worse when you know there can be so much good and beauty to life but there are people out there #who openly admit to wanting you dead #because I don’t want to die #I want to watch the sunrise and see the first snow of the year #I want to listen to kpop and play video games with my partner and drink lemonade #I want to get excited about seeing a dog out in public and read spider-man #yet society decides whether or not I get to experience love and life and joy because im not valuable to them #I don’t contribute enough for them to care about me #I deserve to be happy #I deserve to feel good about being alive because it was never my choice in the first place #I don’t want to die #but it feels like I don’t have a choice #mine

[musicofthenightphantomoftheopera]

I’m not really excited about my birthday this year…..

Come November 17, 2023, I’ll be 25 years old.

I should be excited. I should be making plans to celebrate. But I’m not. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t.

That day will just solidify the fact that Covid took away my entire early 20s. The time when I’m supposed to be going out into the world and “figuring myself out” “meeting new people” “making mistakes”and “growing as a person” according to most movies, tv, and people I’ve met. All of that stolen from me. Gone.

I have Asthma, therefore I am disabled. So I have a lot more at risk than most if I catch it. Since 2020 when the pandemic started, I stopped going out to places as often, I wore a mask at all times to protect myself, and others. I stopped going to anime conventions entirely. I didn’t even have a birthday party that year outside of the one my family had cuz I was that scared. And when the vaccines came out of course I got fully vaccinated as soon as I could, But I still exercised all those other cautions.

I like everyone else thought it would be over in a couple months or at least after the vaccines came out, But it wasn’t. due to the disturbingly widespread acceptance of abelism, eugenics, anti vax misinformation and right wing propaganda brought on by covid and those in power who simply cannot be bothered to care about anyone other than themselves & would gladly laugh & celebrate our deaths should we not survive, I like many other disabled people have been forced to become prisoners in our own houses for the last 4 years.

Nowadays I watch through my phone as people and friends alike go to anime conventions, Rennaisance fairs, and other fun life events with absolutely ZERO covid precaution to keep themselves & other safe even though the virus continues to kill ppl by the millions and act as if nothing is wrong.

I see them there and wish I could be there too having a good time and living my life. But I can’t.

(And don’t bother coming at me with the whole “you can’t expect us to mask forever, it’s restricting!” First of all of you don’t wanna end up like me or worse you kind of have to and second of all. It is a goddam peice of fabric over your face. I am asthmatic and I can breathe in not one but TWO masks perfectly fine. So can you ya goddam crybaby. Get it together. )

I know if I go if catch it and run the risk of becoming more disabled than I already am. All the conventions I wanted to go to, the Rennaisance fairs I could’ve attended. All the plans I had for my future were ripped away from me. But not a lot seem to care.

Because the universal truth about ppl in America is that not a lot of people give a fuck about disabled people. Most of them see us as less than human and actively want us to die. Even if it’s their own family members or friends. Anyone the claim to care about. No one is safe.

You have no idea how many horror stories I have of people saying “it’s only killing the elderly and the disabled, so who cares?!” Not only is that ungodly vile but also wholly untrue. It’s killing & disabling ppl my age and also children. But again. Not enough care.

I used to be so excited about seeing what the world had in store for me in the future. But now I don’t think I have one anymore. And how can I be excited to experience a world with so much ugliness that I’m pretty much risking my life every time I leave the house nowadays?

If the plague doesn’t get me there’s the risk of a wacko that just so happens to have a gun deciding to shoot up a place because of their inhumane ideology or they were “having a bad day” or run the risk of a man literally doing one of the worst possible things you can do to another human and knowing that because of the state I live in, I will be penalized or even imprisoned for not wanting a rapists baby.

It makes me never want to leave the house again even though I desperately want to. And want to be part of the world again. But I can’t. Because even if I do nothing at all, I’ll be punished. But I don’t really know what I can do or if there’s anything I can do to fight back besides voting. I have no political power. I have almost no money no matter how hard I try to work for some, And no resources. I also recently moved to a very rural area. I have no friends that live near me nor do I know or know if I can trust anyone here, therefor Di have no community to rely on. Besides my family I’m basically completely isolated. And it feels like my granny and I are the only sane ones left in my family because my mom and stepdad refuse to wear masks. My mom got the vaccine but refuses to mask.

I can’t leave because 1 I’m broke, 2 I’m also autistic which actually bans me from gaining citizenship/a visa in certain countries, and 3, this fascist ideology is spreading and abelism and covid are still pretty much everywhere. There is no true escape.

I can’t even get any therapy for what I’ve been through due to the US Healthcare system being a sick joke and I can’t afford it and of course the risk of having an ableist therapist or one who has zero experience with autistic ppl or one that’s just there to collect a paycheck.

What am I supposed to do? Why do I even bother trying anymore? What’s the point of living if I’m just living in a constant state of fear, anxiety, anger and hopelessness and misery? I can’t get excited about Halloween, Christmas, or even my own birthday anymore because I’m so emotionally exhausted and I feel so hopeless. And don’t even get me started on climate change anxiety.

There’s not really a point to this. I just needed to vent and wanted to share my experience.

#I feel hopeless #hopeless #personal vent #vent post #disabled #i hate it here #just why #i feel alone #mental health #trauma #abelism #i don’t want to feel like this anymore #i don’t want to die #i’m tired #isolated

[cryingonthefreeway]

#music #patriarchy #I don’t want to die #Spotify

[pics-and-fanfics]

Horrible idea, go!

A fic that takes current events (cough school shootings cough) and actually discusses them, showing the grief of a parent learning their child is dead, the fear a child feels, the talks about light up shoes and how to hide and learning to run even when your tired. The horror a kid feels when they see one of their friends get shot, and the fear they feel having to hide under a body, covering themselves in blood so they can survive.

The rage a parent feels hearing “thoughts and prayers” from the president after their kid has died in a preventable event. The fear a kid would feel walking back into that school.

The sound of the dozens of parents screaming, calling for their kids, hoping they aren’t dead, the sounds of phones going off all over the school as parents try to reach their kids to make sure they are alive, and possibly leading the shooter towards them

The sounds of kids crying as they hang up on their parents after telling them they loved them, because they didn’t know if they would live or die

This sounds horrible, doesn’t it?

This is what kids in the US have to live with, and so do the parents.

And nobody cares enough to talk about the real issues on Capital Hill, just talking about how they can make the lives of LGBTQ+ people worse.

I hate this country.

#school #school shootings #US problems #exclusive to the US #school shooters #mass shooters #kids #this is a problem #this needs no explanation #this needs to change #please help #our president is incompetent #I dont care if I get hurt for that #it’s the truth #this is my life #this is the life of every US child that goes to a public school #i’m scared #i don’t want to die

[neonarboretumart]

Y’all ever get so overwhelmed by a constant thump of new complications and really stupid unexpected shit that you never expected to see casually written in a letter that sends you into a huge spiral of panic attacks and despair because you don’t genuinely know how you’re going to keep trying to survive isolated like this with absolutely no medical support for a life threatening virus if you get it and your mental health dying trying to avoid it and then it’s just casually announced that you have subclinical glandular fever??? And your dormant organs might be waking up and that should be good, but it’s bad because that was one of the only reasons you would be able to receive treatment for said organ-destroying virus, because they refuse to take your other risk factors seriously??? And it’ll be just another set of hoops to desperately try to jump through to prove you’re sick enough to access care, and you’ll never tick all the boxes even though you should? And you feel like you’re going insane because everything that could have been your last backup, your last reassurance if the worst happens, is being ripped out from underneath you because the government doesn’t believe in wasting their money to keep people like you alive, against all evidence?

And you’re so tired of begging people to just do the simplest shit that could save your life, when even your best friend won’t bother, because its always other people, never them. If they’re good people, they cant possibly do the damage. You’re exaggerating as always, anxious, making a fuss, a little kid over enthusiastic about it and you just need to chill out about a virus that fuses braincells and causes heart attacks and strokes months later, and could leave you basically a vegetable in bed wearing a blindfold for the rest of your life to keep out the light.

And you can’t talk to them anymore about it because you’ve talked yourself hoarse, with emotions and science and desperation and it’s still just. Not their business.

And not even the doctors will take it seriously, even with all the knowledge from all over the world we have now. And every appointment you attend is more risk.

Because I’ve just had a really shit week, and I cant tell anyone I know about it. So I’m telling people I don’t know, because I think I’m going to lose it if I don’t tell someone.

#personal #chronic illness #clinically vulnerable #covid isn't over #covid is worse than ever #and all i want is to live long enough that i could survive it #but I don’t think we’ll ever have treatment for it here #I don’t want to die #I want a refund on this stupid body #I’m so tired

[z0ken]

2 years of ups n downs. I was so willing to stick through it and start a life with her. We were so close to living on our own and getting away from other people’s problems. We were finally about to be just us. But her grip was slipping and I was blind. She left me because even though we were together she felt alone. And I ignored all the signs. It’s my fault it’s all over. It’s my fault that I have to fight with myself and my thoughts again. All happened on Christmas….

That was just the start of this year/ the end of last year.

Not to mention I’m now homeless living in my car… fortunately I have a job but it doesn’t pay enough for me to live on my own in an apartment…

My parents kicked me out and hate me.

I lost the love of my life.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself.

I want to hold on but it’s so hard alone.

#i don’t want to die #but I want to die #I need mental help #2 years #i fuck everything up #i’m so pathetic

[rivethound]

.

#i don’t want to die #i want to live for everyone who ever dared to care about me #i want to live for every trans person who didn’t get the chance #i promise i’ll get better and ill make you proud #even if it isn’t until i’m in my 50s i will be better i will be because i want to be

[gunkbaby]

It’s so cold

#im going to try and walk to my dads work and be warm there #my mum refuses to put the heating on bc she gets hot flashes #im crying this hurts so much #i don’t want to die

[thiswasanidea]

#the kys sensations are back #I don’t want to die #text #writing #i’m tired

[gavinstrick]

it’s the worst thing in the world to feel like you’re slowly dying

#sometimes I get so scared that I’m not gonna wake up like body’s just gonnna go out on me #im so frightened #my body’s degraded to nothing #I barely speak anymore #I just take my meds n painkilllrrs that are slowly eating away at me #and lay in bed crying #I woke up screaming unable to move because of the pain #and I have these harrible nightmares #im so weak and I don’t wanna die #I wanna grow old #I don’t want to die