#i dont owe u my heart or my body but shit i do fuckin owe u and im so sorry that i cannot be good as u are

[bisaster-energy]

okay what you have to understand is that while against the kitchen floor is a dean song...willard! has cas written all over it

#guess who really started listening to will wood 😳 #like just listen to me ok hear me out... #i dont owe u my heart or my body but shit i do fuckin owe u and im so sorry that i cannot be good as u are #the irony of dean not thinking of himself as human as cas learned to be is not lost on me #and even tho he fucks up constantly he cant bring himself to want cas to end their relationship (wtv it may be) #apologizing for the way he is bc tbh if dean never figures out how he feels simply because he himself doesn't know #what he wants he probably would end up just giving cas.his body because he owes him something and #he cant figure out what he can possibly give in the face of that all consuming frankly terrifying love #ahem. onto willard #ik i said cas knows how to be human but that's in dean's eyes. cas doesn't get being human at all even tho he does (?) #like his homeless/steve arc he cant get a grasp on how humans do all the things they do and live they way they live #the beginning of the song he talks about not being able to step on ants and crying for moths #now that could be cas talking about actual insect but ALSO humans! bc he's learned to care!! #but yea if cas had some sort of animal he saw every now and then while on the street? a cat or a rat etc that's how i envision #him with this song #he himself has been stepped on so many times! it started to feel like his place! not truly part of the winchesters not truly angel #just cas now... #is there room for me in your cage whether that be earth or a real rat he feels he understands #it's confusing for him to connect! never learned what to feel from childhood like humans do! #he was thrown into the deep end #they call me crazy but their words all seem made up to me -> honeybee cas fr #also i can see steve bringing a little creature into the gas n sip his own little guy #also the peace vs freedom thing. animals are put in cages. humans locked in heaven. #and cas has achieved free will but he has to wrestle with whether it's better to be content or break chains #you might seem behind bars but friend this cage is inside out! dean and sam are trapped in this destiny #but they both say fuck it !! but heaven wasn't just a cage to humans it's a cage for angels too #yeah ur fate is fucked but at keast you had a fate to change yknow. cas didn't just change his story #he didn't have one so he literally wrote it #i can't listen to this song without thinking about cas human hungry and alone #it's AWFUL out here socrates. it's DANGEROUS out here socrates. it's lonely out here socrates 🤡🤡🤡

[sh4k-thing]

Woah intro post

Totally forgot to do this & was going through my friends profile and remembered this is a thing :)

General info on my acc -

>I curse. A lot.

>I shitpost a lot

>random thoughts

>drawings?? Sometimes????

>also I can be aggressive, never take it to heart pls , if this messes with you or triggers you pls don’t interact !! I’ll typically add a tw tho !!!

>some stuff is serious some isn’t (obviously)

My name is Jasper/Elliot/Bones/Cofer/Alec/ Oli. You can call me one , or switch between the few, whatever works. I use He/Them/Their rn and will update my bio accordingly. might update this post sometimes, so keep in check !! <3

Am I a guy? No. Am I a girl? No. what am I ? A fuckin goblin, no I will not elaborate. My mind is made of moss and mushrooms are my friends :)

I tend to describe my ‘aesthetic’ as GoblinCore, but its simply just because it’s the thing that seems to match me the most, based on my personality & interests !!

-Please dont assume things about me!!

-feel free to ask questions !!!!

am I gay? Yessir. I’m pansexual & demisexual (and poly-) :]

”so?? your?? bi??”

no , I’m pan. I like people regardless of their gender. As for the Demi part, it means I have to have a strong emotional bond with someone (slightly different from demiromantic)

&poly just means I can like/date/feel romantic feelings towards multiple people :)

I AM A MINOR 👏

Any creepy/nsfw content will be blocked !! Not a personal attack!! Be into what ur into but I don’t want to see it <3

ALSO!!! You post something triggering w/o a trigger warning? Even though it doesn’t trigger me specifically? I . Will. B l o c k . unless it’s directly stated in a pinned post/bio/somewhere that ur acc is generally triggering w/o warning, or certain accusations.

If you think something I say is controversial? Tell me! I don’t mind!! Tell me ur opinions and why you agree or disagree with me!! However. Certain things aren’t opinions. You have to respect pronouns, you have to respect gender identity, women / afab / PEOPLE don’t owe men/amab/OTHER PEOPLE their bodies, etc. no I won’t fight on it. Thank you.

i will !! Often !! Sign off my posts!! With!! Emojis or my name!! NO I am not a system! And I apologize if you feel only systems should do that! But it helps me feel grounded and real when I have a physical presence, or a name, or a symbol, etc. So if I am doing that, please, it doesn’t matter, you can ignore it. It’s for me to feel good about myself.

common things I’ll prob use

-Ell

-Elliot

-Jas

-Jasper

-❣️ -👻

-✨Goblin✨

-Alec

-A

-E

-Cofer/Oli

(Other nicknames I may use, or jokes related to the post :] )

go through my recents posts before interacting !! sometimes i’ll update on a name/pronoun thing in a small post, and not directly in my bio yet, bc I’ll try out names!! thank you :)

sometimes I get really tired and my typ1ng st@rt$ l00k1ng l1k3 th1$

if I don’t translate it, I will try to in the morning, as usually it’s either on accident or a form of coping for me if I’m feeling paniky. I apologize in advance !! <3

THIS HAS BEEN INTRODUCTION SHIT WITH JAS

T H A N K Y O U <3

[ajokeformur-ray]

I watched Joker tonight and typed out my thoughts as they occurred to me. Unedited; typos are guaranteed. I did this a few months ago and really enjoyed looking back at my thought process and I wanted to do it again so that I can look back and know that what I feel is real and true in my darkest times.

You're welcome to skip this; it's under a cut for ease of doing so. Warnings for occasional sexual comment lmao. There’s no self shipping in this, I don’t think.

word count: 2, 575.

I’M SOBBING and I’ve only just pressed play.

Heart squeeze Chest much ow

THERE HE IS

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Nooooo baby omg don’t pretend - let yourself hurt if it hurts. Don’t pretend. 

Carnival Carnival Carnivalllllllll 😍😍😍😍😍

I am a Simp for one clown and his name is Carnival

Someone help him, I????

That sign hit Arthur as hard as my love for him did ksksksk

MY EYES BE LEAKIN💔💔💔💔💔

bb nooooo

Oh honey let me kiss those bruises and replace the marks of violence with love, hm? You’re safe with me.

Breathe, my love. Don’t fight the laughter. Let it out, let yourself go. 

Screams into a pillow because????? much sad must kiss

“have you been keeping up with your journal?” LIKE HE HAS TIME

oHHHHH boi’s close to losing his shit

Do it, Artie. Give ‘em hell.

“I think I did” YOU TELL HER!!💖💖💖

I want to be his cigarette. Where’s Satan??? I got a new deal for my blackened soul which he took at half price😂😂😂😂

I’d have my hand between the door and his head so fuckin fast I swear

“I just don’t wanna feel so bad anymore” yep SAME

ohhhh peekaboo🥺🥺🥺

this makes me giggle ksksksk i watch this scene when i feel sad bc it always makes me happy for the time it’s on

he’s so good with kids; he doesn’t have to try and think about what’s funny, he just does it, he’s himself and it works

FUCK OFF LADY CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S STRUGGLING????

give

him

back

his

card

casually wrinkling my nose against tears lmao

ohhh the way he looks up at those stairs from the bottom

i can feel his exhaustion

me too, my love

step step step step

god i wanna get him the fuck outta gotham

and into my arms and a soft, warm blanket

“eat. you need to eat” LITERALLY WHAT I TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY IN HIS VOICE BC OTHERWISE I JUST WOULDNT EAT???? I’m losing so much weight asdfghjk its not enough tho

SUPAH RATS

Did Arthur come up w that joke or was it actually a Murray joke????

HIS VOICE IS SO SOFT IM CRY??🥺🥺🥺🥺

“I WAS PUT HERE TO SPREAD JOY AND LAUGHTER”

YOU DO BABY, YOU DO!!!! EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!

go deepthroat a cactus randall - youre already a bit of a prick so🙃🙃🙃

“THE GUYS THINNK YOU’RE A FREAK BUT I LIKE YOU”

HOYT. YOU CAN GO SIT ON A CACTUS TOO

FUCK OFF

😡😡😡😡

“WHY WOULD ANYONE STEAL A SIGN”//”WHY DOES ANYONE DO ANYTIHNG?” HOYT YOU’RE SO FUCKING ILLOGICAL HERE IM????? ERIKA DOES NOT (ALSO WILL NOT LMAO IM A STUBBORN BIITCH) COMPUTE

Can arthur fuck me like he pounds the trash/????🥵🥵👀

those dark curls.... that crooked tooth... must kiss.🥺🥺🥺

pennys casual cruelty makes me so fucking angry

foreshadowingggggg ~  *JAZZ HANDS*

ugh the way he dances with that gun im👀🥵🥵🥵

he enjoys the power of it and his breathing gets deeper asdfghjk

clumsy baby omggggg i just COOED 🥺🥺🥺🥺

okay maybe im stupid but i genuinely dont understand this “senior who needs to graduate” skit i’m??? how is being an intro to western civ student funny im???? someone explain???

but also dont bc fuck that guy lmao arthur’s hilarious

true millenial humour (and brit humour lmao we’re dark asf)

THE WAY ARTIE TWIRLS HIS FINGERS AROUND HIS HAIR AND DANCES IN HIS SEAT IM???🥺🥺🥺

wanna curl up on his lap at night when hes writing and go to sleep with a 

blanket around our bodies🥺🥺🥺🥺

when arthur wears a shirt at home you KNOW it’s a daydream

THAT CROOKED TOOTH IM WANT KISS.

WAIT IS IT CALLED STAND UP COMEDY BC YOU STAND UP... AND ITS COMEDY???

23 FUCKING YEARS, PEOPLE... TO REALISE THAT🙄

WHEN CARNIVAL CAME ON SCREEN I NTHE HOSPITAL I MADE A PORNOGRAPHIC NOISE LMAO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

IF YOURE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, SHOOT MURRAY

WOOPS WRONG LYRICS

😂

“doctor of laughter”🥺🥺🥺🥺

doctor i have a case of the Big Sad can you... do an exam? 😉😏

NO BB DONT BEAT YOUR HEAD UP THERES PRECIOUS CARGO IN THERE

in what world does chucking cold greasy chips in a girls hair being “nice”???

lmao fuck these guys

ohhh honey breathe. dont fight it, my love, just breathe.

my heart’s breaking for you, you sweet thing🥺🥺🥺

i love you so so so so so so so much ugh you’re an actual fucking angel

just breathe darling

i need to get you a cup of tea with honey in it, your throat must be so sore

ohhhh baby im so sorry

i’d take every single punch if i could

i’d die for you

i wish i could protect you

i wish i could look after you

and take all those hits

and kill those guys for you

im so sorry

sobbingggg

YES GOOD MAN THANK YOUUU

KILL THOSE ASSHOLES LMAO DESERVED IT

yeah i have a grey morality... im similar to deadpool in that way tbh

carnival comin’ to kill your insecurities

8 bullets in a 6 chamber???? mm-hm

DONT FORGET YOUR BAG THATS EVIDENCE

AND THE WIG

RUN BABY RUNNNNNNN

GO GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOO

RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE

THE SOUND OF HIS FEET SLAPPING THE PAVEMENT IM👀

OOOOOH JOKER’S WAKIN’ UUUUUUP

fuck he’s so hypnotic

the way he runs his hand down his lower stomach asdfghj🥵

must kiss the inner tendons on his wrists and lick the blood off his face 

must kiss

he moves like water

fuck hes so fluid

bathroom scene = the scene in which my heart and vagina clench at the same time

im WANT

T POSEEEEEEEE

“i still owe you for that, dont i?”

PUNCH OUT IS MY FAVOURITE THING E  V  E  R

D O N T S M I LE

UGH I FUCKING HATE being told to smile if i don’t fucking want to so BIG mood

PLEASE SHUSH ME THE WAY YOU JUST SHUSHED PENNY IM???

but also dont lmao bc i’ll think you’re mad at me and i’ll hide in the bedroom for the rest of the day lmao i’m sensitive✨✨✨

i wanna sit on his lap and still his bouncing knees

“thats not funny”

fuck off penny yes it is

I JUST CHOKED ON MY COFFEE IM???

“but i do” god the  P O W E R

ugh that fucking sexist piece of shit comedian can choke “women look at sex like buying a car” 🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮

chauvinistic pigs can die thanks

his lil trip upstage im cry🥺🥺🥺

ohhh baby. just breathe, darling. it’s okay to be scared. dont fight it. just breathe. 

he and i both cover our mouths when we laugh/smile in the exact same way and it makes me feel closer to him

how can they think hes laughing at himself when hes literally gagging????

people only see what they wanna

the Penny imitation is👌👌👌

s m i l e

i remember when i came home from seeing this for the first time, i got home and dropped to my knees to cry in the bathroom. it was such an emotional release and so much love and i played smile to try to make myself smile but i only made myself cry harder lmaooooo ~ 

smile and thats life are my go-to songs if i gotta cheer tf up

danger sign = neither works

he looks so soft after his “date”🥺🥺🥺

“thats life” yeah but murray you dont even leave the studio so how do you know????

ngl arthur’s anger scares me.

anyone so much as raise their voice at me and i’ll cry really bad and i will shut myself away for the rest of the day and quiet anger terrifies me so his banging abt in the kitchen would freak me tf out😲

angry bb😭

he controls his anger so fast though omgggg ~ 

that soft please sends me

idk where it sends me lmao

down below probably

BARE FACED CARNIVAL OMG THIS SCENE IS SO CUTE

I LOVE THE MATCHING COLOURS ON ARTHUR AND BRUCE TOO ???

okay but the implication that arthur always carries a clown nose on him is🥺🥺🥺

hes such a good clown im?????

lmao im enjoying the show more than bruce is skskskk

arthur’s lil chuckle makes me🥺

his HUMMING im??? soft?????

his brows are so strong and dark omggg ~ he’s so beautiful

OKAY i’ll be honest i’ve seen this alfred/bruce scene and the thomas bathroom scene later on and the penny flashback scene a 100 times and i still dont fucking understand what did or didnt happen regarding arthur’s parentage im????

 ive seen interpretations to say he is thomas’ son and some to say he isnt and i still cant decide so? im stupid i guess 🙃

“a clown thing?” the  s a s s

“it’s exit only” yeah so’s my ass🙃

if i was there in the hospital room i woulda turned that tv off as soon as i realised what clip was gonna play

murray’s cruelty is d i s g u s t i n g

lmao hes an asshole

arthurs lil clap from joyyyyy ~ 🥺🥺🥺

did i say murray???

i meant  m u r r a t

🙃🙃🙃

sneaky baby

wayne hall either has super bad security or arthurs v quick on his feet

🤔🤔🤔🤔

he looks so good in red omggg ~ 

f o r e s h a d o w i n g

arthurs smile when hes watching chaplin is how he smiles when we all gush to each other abt him and ourselves!!!

hes so cuuuuuute🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😍😍😍🥰🥰🥰

“told me what” 

ohhhh honey🥺🥺 im so sorry. “crazy” is a trigger word for arthur; it made him start laughing in the bathroom with thomas

“touch my son again ill fucking kill you” yeah?? touch my arthur again and i’ll fucking kill you🙃🙃🙃🙃

^^^ that ones a joke do not come at me

the clerk in arkham was nice to arthur - he, gary and sophie are the good gothamites.

none of it was enough to stop his descent into joker, though, and i’d even say it was too late right at the beginning of the film, too... 

his sock puppet thingy “they cut all those” is such a Joker thing to doooo ~ 

the way arthur’s laughing in the hall at arkham turns into sobbing is gut-wrenching omg the poor thing😭

i wanna hug him and protect him and help him to process this in a healthy way

sweetheart, if i could take all of your pain and put it onto me... i so would. i’d do it in a heartbeat.

i wanna get you into a hot shower, make you some food and sit and listen to you. we can either sit in silence or you can talk to me, my love, and you will be heard and understood and loved.

“i had a bad day”

IT’S OKAY I DIDNT NEED MY HEART ANYWAY OMG YOU POOR SWEET INNOCENT THING IM LOVE YOU🥺💔

THAT ENTIRE LATE NIGHT SCENE LAUGH/SOBBING GOT ME -

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i just wanna hold you and protect you and help you and love you

I’m so fucking sorry, darling. i wish i could take it all away from you

“i havent been happy one minute of my entire fucking life”

NO ONE SHOULD LOOK THAT ANGELIC AFTER COMMITING MATRICIDE IM????

get

that

fucking

gun

away

from

your

face

boi dont test me ill fucking go feral or - no, tell you what, i’ll point the gun at me and see how you like it

im looking respectfully at the green speckled undies scene....👀👀👀

“coming” 😏😏😏

“my mum died im celebrating” and “i stopped taking my medication” and you STILL stayed in the apartment with Arthur????? dudes those are 🚨🚨🚨 signs

woe betide anyone who underestimates arthur fleck lmaoooo

randalls death scene makes me laugh every time omg i feel so vindictive

get WRECKED

i wanna lick the blood off his face. i really want to

ngl i think i have a blood kink... 

“dont look just go” ME WITH MY ACNE WHEN I SEE IT IN THE MIRROR 😂😂😂😂

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER 

ASDFGHJKL

J

O

K

E

R

ERIKA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERRRRRR

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 MY BABY MY MAN OMG THERE HE IS IM CRY???????😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺

my mind is literally blank rn im just staring and crying and smiling so hard my face hurts????? im love him so so so so much

sweet thing’s so used to pain he gets HIT BY A CAR AND KEEPS GOING????

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

hghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

euirrrrrrgkjbgkfbirsghigrbugr

*incoherent keyboardsmash to portray utter love*

ohhh baby no dont cry. oh honey😭 i wanna sit on your lap and kiss your tears away

“i love dr sally”

you have a WIFE at home

“DO YOU REMEMBER?” THAT WAS YOUR CUE TO APOLOGISE LMAO GET FUCKED MURRAT

he’s so CUTE

omgggg ~ 

my hearts gonna give out its SQUEEZING SO HARD IT HURTS

YOU MOCK THEM, BABY!!! THEY GOT IT COMING

“i wanna get it right” hes so passionate

my comments have deceased in number bc im just too starstruck and in love to even think clearly lmao

jokers all i know rn and this is the most peaceful ive felt in WEEKS

im sobbing

ugh fuck this hurts so BAD

youre speaking the truth, darling. im so so proud of you and i love you so much

“THEY COULDNT CARRY A TUNE TO SAVE THEIR LIVES” LMAO INSIDE JOKESSS

literally sobbing right now ugh what the fuck youre in so much pain and in the middle of a breakdown and no one saw you

ugh baby im so sorry, you deserve so much better

you tried so hard and you were gonna fall no matter what

IN THE WHITE ROOM

“hi” baby they cant hear you but im COOING 🥺🥺🥺🥺

you’re so fucking cute

say the word and ill burn gotham to the fucking ground for you

i wanna sit atop that car and cradle your head in my lap and wipe the blood off your face and help you stand up and be there for you and and and😭😭😭😭😭😭 i love you so so so much. 

i’d be so much worse off without you in my life. you brought a splash of colour which has never dimmed or faded. it never will. 

b l o o d    s m i l e

=

im wearing my inside on the outside now and it still hurts

angel💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i see you and your pain. i love you.

i see you, angel. 

his genuine laughter is🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

that cute lil “ksksks” he does im🥺🥺🥺

i always laugh with him omg the two of us are laughing together ugh its the closest i will ever get to sharing in his joy

 t h a t ‘s    l i f e

i love the hallway daaaaaaaaaaaaaance ~ 

them hips dont lie😉😉😉

i love you i love you i love you i love you omg the sun’s like a halo ugh i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you im singing along to thats life while i type out how much i love you at 220am lmaooooo ~ 

i   l o v e    y o u

#erileck #<- ref tag #arthur fleck #joker 2019 #erika talks

[dontshouta]

heeey! can i request bakugo, izuku, shoto and shinsou with an s/o that is a bad influence for them (they manipulate the boys to skip classes, make them jealous/angry just for fun, etc) and then someone or something makes them snap and realize that their s/o is not good? i really like ur writing and really liked this idea but it's ok if you dont feel like doing them

this request made me 🥺 why must u make me write these dumb boys bad 😔 theyre doing their best okay. also i know u didn’t make this exclusively reader x bnha but like. I wanted a happy ending okay.

Bakugou Katsuki:

You were sat in your usual seat in the back of the class, your eyes lazily sweeping over the heads of your peers. Professor Yamada was droning on about some grammatically incorrect sentences in the background of your own thoughts, your mind elsewhere while you drew incoherent doodles in the margins of your notes.

English was your last class for the day, the clock ticking ever so slowly while you thought of any last minute plans you could make with your friends. You thought you could go to the mall with Mina, you needed a new pair of shoes and you knew she wouldn’t do you wrong. Or, you could hang out at Sero and Kaminari’s place, you’ve been meaning to bum out and have a movie night with those two. Or maybe, you could grab some lunch with Bakug-

Where the hell was Bakugou?

Your eyes jumped to stare into his empty desk, burning imaginary holes into the seat while searching through your mind’s eye to figure out why on Earth he would be gone. Bakugou never missed a day of class, so why now? Did he catch a cold? Does he have a dentist’s appointment? Was he abducted by aliens? Did he get hit by a-

Suddenly, the classroom door swung open and in came the culprit. Along with a demon clinging onto his arm. You rolled your eyes, a sigh escaping through your lips as you watched the two make their way to their respective seats. Of course she was the reason why he was late.

“Ahh, sorry professor!” She cooed, mock saluting poor Professor Yamada. “Didn’t realize we were so late, right Katsuki?”

You knew the rat was lying through her teeth. You knew she would rather die than come into class early like a normal student. You glared seething hatred into the back of her head, watching as her hand stayed glued to Bakugou’s arm, even as they sat in their seats. 

Bakugou merely grunted in response, his eyes downcast while he settled in. You wanted to get up and pull him by the ear out of the classroom and give that dumb boy a stern talking to but you had at least some restraint. You studied the boy’s face closely, and you felt your heart sink. You couldn’t remember the last time you saw him look so… anguished. His expression was so openly conflicted you couldn’t help the feeling of dejection filling your tight chest.

After class, you launched yourself to Bakugou before his demon of a girlfriend could sink her claws into him first and hightailed it out of the classroom without a trace.

“Y/N- what- where the fuck are you taking me!” He growled, trying to shake himself from you. 

“We need to have a little chit-chat Bakugou.” You started, rounding a corner into a little nook where you and Bakugou could talk without any disturbances. “I saw your face, I know you’re not happy with what happened today. What’s going on?”

Bakugou was quiet for a moment, emotions flickering through his face until he finally broke the silence with a deep sigh.

“This isn’t the first time this sort of thing happened… She keeps forcing me to skip my classes and shit and I don’t know why but I just can’t fucking say no. What the fuck is up with that? Since when have I ever been a damn toy for some girl? This shit’s been really pissing me off but I haven’t done jack shit about it!”

You could see the anger coursing through his body as he restrained himself from probably yeeting you into space. You felt angry. Angry because you didn’t notice his inner turmoil earlier and even angrier because of the person doing this. Didn’t she care for Bakugou at all? What a shitty girlfriend. You wouldn’t treat him like this.

“Bakugou,” You placed a comforting hand on his bicep, squeezing the hard muscle tightly to show your support. “I think you should break up with her. I’ve never had a good feeling about her in the first place and I hate seeing you so miserable because of some obnoxious brat.”

He reached up to squeeze your hand back before removing it entirely from his arm with a heavy sigh. 

“Thanks, Y/N.. Even though you’re always in my fuckin’ business I appreciate you knocking some damn sense into my head.”

You gave him a bright smile. “Of course! I’d hate to see my favorite rat in distress!” You puffed your chest out with pride. “Now you owe me, how about taking me out on a date once your free from the devil’s clutches?”

With a roll of his eyes he ruffled your hair, a smirk playing on his lips while he abandoned your super secret hiding spot. Hands shoved into his jeans pockets, he looked over his shoulder, a cocky look in his eyes. 

“I knew you only wanted me to break up with her just so you could get a shot at me. You’re playing a dangerous game, Y/N.”

A furious blush erupted onto your cheeks as you wildly yelled at the boy. The only response he so graciously gave you was a wink and a chuckle, causing your shouts behind him to grow tenfold.

You were left with red cheeks and a shy smile as you watched Bakugou escape your sight. You just hoped the stupid boy would actually break up with the witch or you feared you’d meddle again and do it yourself.

Midoriya Izuku:

Click. Click. Click. Click. ClickClickClickClickClickClickClickClick-

“Okay, Mido, I’m taking that from you.” You snatched the boy’s pen from his hand before he could protest and shoved it into your jacket pocket. His face flushed as he muttered incoherent excuses under his breath, the mess of hair on top of his head bobbing while he jittered in his seat.

You’d hoped you could have a relaxing study session with Midoriya in the local coffee shop but the poor boy had been fidgeting ever since the pair of you entered the establishment.

“Mido, what’s wrong? You’re more spazzy than usual.” 

You watched as he rolled his bottom lip in between his teeth while staring at something behind you, causing a large sigh to escape from your lips.

“Dude, are you zoning out again? I asked you a ques-” Just as you started talking you turned to see what he was staring at, as soon as your eyes landed on the scene behind you you whipped right back around with wide eyes.

“Yo, isn’t that your boyfriend??” Your eyes were wide with concern,  your body frantically forcing itself in front of Midoriya’s line of sight. “Mido, he’s all over that guy, did you guys break up or something?”

You wanted nothing more than to launch yourself from your seat to beat the other boy up but you held yourself back to hear out your friend instead.

Midoriya raked both of his hands through his hair, mumbling as he did so. He slumped back into his chair in defeat, his face scrunching up in both anger and betrayal.

“Haha.. no, Y/N. Um, he’s-he’s been doing this for a while actually haha.. At first it was kinda cute I guess but now I’m not sure if he even likes me anymore. I don’t like being jealous, Y/N.. I don’t even feel like it’s worth the hassle anymore..” 

Your heart broke for him, watching him struggle with his emotions right in front of you. You stole a quick peek behind you again, your eyes meeting the flirting boy’s briefly. His eyebrow cocked up, almost making you jump out of your seat to defend your friend. You felt the need to fight a bitch growing now more than ever.

“Dude what the hell, he’s doing it on purpose?? What’s his deal? Is he so insecure in your relationship that he has to openly flirt with someone else? Mido, you don’t deserve that.” You took his hand in yours as you watched tears well up in his angry eyes. A watery laugh bubbled out from his as a sneaky tear slipped down his cheek.

“Y/N I feel so stupid right now! I can’t even muster up the courage to tell him off-”

A hand wrapped tightly around your arm and ripped it away from Midoriya, you winced in pain as it was suddenly ripped in the wrong direction.

“Yo, what the fu-”

“Get your hands off him, freak. He’s my boyfriend, remember?”

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. You stood, your body silently fuming as his words hit your ears. Your arm slightly aching at the socket, adding fuel to the already blazing fire. Who the fuck does this man think he is? You made a mental note to have Todoroki melt your arm off later.

“You’re one to talk! You’ve been all over that guy the entire time we’ve been here! And Mido’s been telling me this isn’t the first time this has happened. You have no right to come up to me, physically injure me, and tell me that I can’t comfort my hurting friend over some douchebag like you. Frankly, I’m fucking disgusted that you had the balls to pull that shit with me.”

Midoriya stood too, his chair screeching as it was pushed back with force. He planted himself between the two of you, a fiery look in his eye as he jutted his chin out to address his “boyfriend”.

“You can play with my heart all you want. You can keep making me skip my classes. You can keep pressuring me to do stuff I don’t want to. You can keep making me jealous. You can keep flirting with other guys. But you, hurting one of my best friends, crosses the line. You need to go. Don’t bother trying to contact me, as of now, you’re nothing to me.”

Before the weasel can so much as object, Midoriya gathered everything from your abandoned table, took your hand, and rushed out of the coffee shop. 

The two of you walked in silence for a couple of blocks, Midoriya’s hand still gripping yours like his life depended on it. Causing your cheeks to flush and your heart to accelerate even more than it already has.

“M-Midoriya, I think we’re good.. now” 

The boy suddenly stopped, causing you to crash into his back. A small ow sounded from you, your hand rubbing your nose while you silently cursed the literal brick house in front of you. How could a sweet, innocent guy like Midoriya be so fuckin’ stacked?

“Y/N.. thank you for sticking up for me back there.. I know I wouldn’t have had the confidence to tell him off if you weren’t there to do it first.” 

“It was no problem, Mido! What’re friends for?”

“Haha yeah.. Friends..”

Todoroki Shouto:

It was around 3 AM. Honestly, you weren’t really sure what time it was exactly but what you were sure of was the fact that it was way past your bedtime. You wanted nothing more than to collapse onto your bed without a second thought but you couldn’t ignore your growling stomach. So, you were posted in front of the microwave like a soldier guarding a princess, waiting for your good ‘ol cuppa mac n cheese to finish.

You heard the front door to the dorms open and shut, two pairs of wobbly footsteps entering with angry shushes accompanying them. You moved from your position, making your way out of the kitchen and towards the two people trying, and failing, to keep quiet.

“Todoroki? What’re you doing here so late? Shouldn’t you be in-”

The other person shushed you, eyebrows set in a tired frown as they clung to Todoroki desperately. Something was off.

“What the fuck’re you so loud for? Shove off why don’t you? It’s none of your business.” 

You were shocked to the point where you couldn’t get a clever retort in even if you tried. Which pained you. But, you couldn’t leave it at that. You would’ve loved to pretend like you didn’t see them, but you couldn’t ignore Todoroki’s look of displeasure on his usually calm, beautiful face.

“Dude, as much as I would like to ignore you for the rest of my life, I can’t just let you drag around Todoroki like that. Can’t you tell he’s uncomfortable?”

They just rolled their eyes, hands tightening on Todoroki’s shirt possessively. You felt your own hands ball into fists, your patience thinning in the company of the little troll.

“Like I said, it’s none of your business.” Their response rewarded a scoff from you, you refused to let them get away with whatever they were trying to do. It didn’t seem right, not one bit.

“Um. But it is my business. Todoroki’s my friend and I’m not gonna leave you alone until you leave him alone.”

“Ha!” They barked, hand fluttering onto their chest haughtily. “You think he’d rather be with you? What, you confused or something? He’s dating me, smartass. Not you.”

“Actually, I’d much rather be with Y/N right now.. If you don’t mind.” Todoroki’s speech was slightly slurred as he spoke, his eyes barely following your movements as he slumped over.

His date physically recoiled, an incredulous look painting their already angry features as they pushed the drunk boy onto you without any care.

“Fine, like I care. When you come to your fucking senses, I’ll be in my room.”

With a huff, they were gone. You were left with the barely sober man who slowly wrapped his arms around you, using you as his support while the two of you stood without a word.

A million thoughts were racing through your mind as you assessed the situation. Todoroki and his date came super late into the dorms, drunk. His date tried to get him up into one of their respective rooms, together. The thought made your skin crawl, hoping the events that would’ve transpired were more innocent than you thought. 

Todoroki shifted in your arm, his face nuzzling into your neck with his hot breath fanning against your cool skin.

“Um- uhh, Todoroki? Do you want me to take you to your room? You should sleep, it’s super late.”

The boy hummed, his face burrowing deeper into your neck, making a surprised squeal erupt from your lips while goosebumps exploded onto your skin. You felt hot, your whole body burning from the sudden affection.

“No.. I’d rather be right. Here.” The boy said it with such finality you wondered if he’d sobered up right then and there. You wished he did though, he was getting heavier and heavier in your arms. You would be surprised if the two of you didn’t collapse onto the floor.

“Todo, you’re drunk, please lemme take you upstairs.”

He let out a small whine, his hands wrapping around you tighter. He shook his head no while still buried in your neck, tickling you and causing you to giggle. Oh man, he was going to be the death of you. With a defeated sigh, you ran your fingers through his hair to try and appease the drunk brat latched onto you.

“I like you better than them, Y/N. You’re nice to me and don’t make me go out clubbing every night.”

Your heart raced, the hand in his hair stopping its ministrations to process the words that had just came out of your drunk companion. This was a usual thing, wasn’t it? The poor boy must always be tired. Come to think of it, there has been some uncharacteristic dark circles under his eyes lately. You wanted to sleep with him every night to make sure he was getting a good night’s sleep.

“Todo, if you don’t like them, break up with them. It’s that simple.”

He moved his face from it’s spot in your neck and rested his chin on your sternum, mismatched eyes staring into yours earnestly.

“If I do, can I be with you instead?”

Shinsou Hitoshi:

You knew you were being creepy. You could feel it in your bones. The creep factor was up by 50% with the way you were slinking around in the library. You couldn’t help it though, you knew something was up as soon as you saw them walk in.

You watched with narrowed eyes as Shinsou and his girlfriend walked through the library. Shinsou looked as passive as always, but you knew him better than that. You could practically feel the discomfort coming off him in waves. 

You wanted to confront them but something was stopping you. You knew you couldn’t just come up to the two and start accusing his girlfriend of something you don’t know anything about. You didn’t want to make a scene. Yet. So, like the nosy bitch you were, you decided to snoop.

“Hitoshi, just use your quirk, yeah? Do it for me? Please?” The way she pranced around him and hung onto his arm for dear life made you want to gag. But you were more concerned about her trying to coerce Shinsou to use his quirk.

For what? What was she trying to accomplish? Did she want something from someone? Why were they in the library? What was the point of all this?

“You know I’m not comfortable with using my quirk for things like that, so why do you keep asking?”

“Well, you’re my boyfriend, shouldn’t you make an exception for me? It’s not like you’ve denied me before.”

You furrowed your brow. She’s been making him use his quirk without his full consent? Why would he let her do that? You found the whole thing to be completely and utterly. Whack. You really didn’t understand what was happening so you continued your snooping adventure.

“Yeah, well, I just don’t wanna do it anymore. Like, you keep making me use my quirk for villainous shit. You do realize I’m trying to prove to everyone that it could be used for heroing too, right? You’re my girlfriend, shouldn't you understand?”

Hearing him use her own words against her made your chest swell with pride. Fuck yeah, Shinsou baby, tell that bitch what’s up. But then you felt it sink right back down after processing his words. She’s been making him use his quirk, with dubious consent, for villainous activities? That’s more than whack. She’s in a school for heroes for crying out loud, surely she’d know better than that?

“Hitoshi, it’s all just a little bit of fun! We’re not hurting anybody, and nobody knows its us! it’s a win-win if I do say so myself.”

At this point, you couldn’t keep yourself concealed, you had to give her a piece of your mind. You sprang from your hiding spot and rushed towards the two, an accusing finger pointing right at the little gremlin woman who claimed to be Shinou’s lovely girlfriend.

“Listen up ya little wench, I think you’re gross for trying to use my buddy Shinsou for your little games! How could you do that? Shinsou’s such a genuine person trying to be a hero and here you are ruining it for him! You make me sick!”

She all but huffed before stomping away, flipping you off behind her back and motioning between her and Shinsou before making a heart and breaking it. 

“Did she just break up with me?”

His casual nonchalance at the whole fiasco caused a cackle to erupt from your chest, hand slapping at his hard chest as you fought your raucous giggles.

“Good riddance! I couldn’t stand to hear her babble on any longer.” You huffed and crossed your arms, making sure to stick your tongue out at her retreating form.

“So.. you were spying on me.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yeah? And? I could smell her bad intentions from a mile away, you should thank me.”

“How about I thank you over some dinner?”

#this took forever im so sorry #i hope u like it tho 🥺 #request #bnha x reader #bnha #mha #mha x reader #bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugou katsuki #bnha midoriya #midoryia #midoriya x reader #midoriya izuku x reader #midoriya izuku #todoroki shouto x reader #bnha todoroki #todoroki shouto #todoroki x reader #shinsou x reader #shinshou hitoshi #bnha shinso hitoshi #shinsou hitoshi x reader

[freeshavacado]

My thoughts while reading Gone by Michael Grant:

* wait how old is Sam

* He do be liking Astrid doe

* Damn so Sam is a Leader

* Ew Orc is an 8th grader? 🤮

* Ok I googled it Sam is 14

* I like Quinn

* Sam thinks he’s so awkward but he’s actually really chill so far

* THE PAIN THIS GIRL IS GOING THROUGH OH MY GOD

* Poor Mary :(

* Howard’s a bitch

* Cut to Quinn being a racist motherfucker

* I love Edilio

* Sam is WHIPPED for Astrid

* Orc is such a piece of shiiiiiit

* LANAAAAA :(((

* Poor thing is in so much pain

* Patrick her dog is alive so that’s good

* She’s deadass slowly dying

* Thank god her arm is better

* I want to make this into a TV series

* If Sam and Astrid don’t kiss at some point I swear

* Hahahaha Sam do be shirtless rn

* Why isn’t Astrid happy to see Little Pete???

* MARY. IF YOU POUR HOT ASS COFFEE ON A CHILD, DONT JUST STAND THERE AND THEN RUN AWAY. PUT COLD WATER ON THE BURN

* Aw Mary has had bulimia since she was ten :(

* Ok so what she just took her Prozac and then threw up? Wouldn’t the pill go up too? I think your stomach/body needs like 30 minutes to absorb it into the blood stream...

* HELP SAM HES CHOKING

* Bruh my ass would be so exhausted

* Quinn low key an ass tho

* Lol edilio isn’t standing for this bullshit

* Lmaooo Astrid knew 💀

* Omg little Pete has it too

* Wow Quinn is an asshole pt 2

* I feel like Caine is gonna be a villain...like he’s pretty AND nice? Nah bro too good to be true

* Fucking Orc god 😒😒😒

* Caine is up to some shit 🤨

* Lmao hold up

* Diana probably whipped tho

* Sam please only be a simp for Astrid 😩

* I bet Drake is hot

* Aww computer Jack :) DONT YOU TURN ON ME SON

* “The captain is already maintaining” Bullshit 💀

* Are they really gonna call this eighth grader ‘Captain’?

* LMAOOO THE BASTARD CANT EVEN READ OR WRITE 💀💀💀

* Lol making Sam the fire chief because he was brave enough to go into a fire one time, so therefore he is the most qualified

* Bruh that’s like if I gave a kid the Heimlich maneuver bc he was choking on a gummy worm or some shit and they were like “Well because she did that, she should be the head doctor!!!”

* CAINE IS FULL OF SUCH BULLSHIT OML

* PRETENDING TO CRY N SHIT GOD

* I already know that Diana is gonna try and seduce Sam while she’s actually a spy for the private school kids

* Which, btw, of course it’s the private school kids smh

* I feel like maybe Computer Jack will be someone who eventually switches to the Good Side

* ALSO wow jack really be thinking that he’s smarter than Astrid smh 🙄

* Jack is such a smartsass

* Diana is such a fucking bitch oh my god 😒😒😒

* “You don’t look tough, Astrid” STFU SHES THE TOUGHEST OF THEM ALL

* Ok but I bet Diana and Astrid low key have sexual tension. Like obviously nothing’s gonna happen...but still

* Bruh I hate Caine

* Fuckin Diana with her ‘readings’ bullshit smh

* YESSSS LANA 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 so strong

* Literally how do they not know how to make pasta

* “I thought your people ate tortillas,” QUINN YOU RACIST PEICE OF SHIT UGH

* Poor Bette :(

* Orc is a piece of shit, I know we’ve already established this but I wanted to say it again

* I love Edilio so much

* Orc really using a slur against Edilio huh. Imma kill him

* IM SO DONE WITH QUINN. THIS BITCH REALLY JUST SAID “let him have her” LIKE TF????

* Drake is such a bastard oh my god

* If you hate Quinn and you know it clap your hands 👏🏻👏🏻

* No seriously. I fucking hate him.

* Nooooo Bette died :((

* “I can’t kiss you with your little brother watching” AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

* Did they kiss or not wtf

* What the hell is up with this cat

* Ah so they did kiss!!

* Why didn’t I get details 🤨

* No a baby died 😞

* Quinn s u c k s

* How convenient that Sam got there *right* before Emma disappeared

* Those last 6 minutes before Anna disappeared too and was calling out to her sister, and so for what she thought was her last few minutes on earth she held sams hand :(

* Lol Diana sucks

* ‘WoRDs DONT sCArE mE’ shut up Drake

* Okay Computer Jack is definitely going to betray them because they underestimate him and take him for granted

* You’re telling me Caine and Sam could be TWINS???

* Why was the kiss ‘a mistake’ ?

* Okay NOW they’re awkward

* “But it was the first time I meant it” I CANT. ITS SO CHEESY

* I HATE QUINN

* These kids are crazy violent

* Fuck Diana

* Yikes now Sam only has some of his eyebrows left 😬

* Caine is in love with Diana 👀

* Little Pete might be more powerful than Caine 😛

* THESE KIDS ARE CRAZY LIKE CHILL

* Diana: I really dislike you Astrid: of course you dislike me, I make you feel inferior

* ROASTED ^

* Mmmm Quinn is trying to redeem himself

* “Don’t call me brah. I’m not your brother” OHHHHHHHHHHH HE REALLY WENT THERE

* that’s what you get for being a backstabbing asshole

* Poor Astrid :(

* Poor Little Pete :(

* Bro I need this to be a movie

* I love that Sam just punched Quinn like we had no choice but to stan

* Ok drake would definitely shoot up a school

* Fuck Drake

* Lana is so strong. Like she’s been in so much pain physically and mentally, and she almost died. But she saved herself and now even though she thinks she might be the only person left alive on earth, she is still keeping strong.

* What happens if the boat runs out of gas?

* Bruh these coyotes don’t give up

* THE COYOTES AGAIN??

* “Go out” “You’ll kill me,” “Yes. Go out, die fast. Stay, die slow”

* Wowwwwwwwwwww^

* Lmaooo “L.P.”

* Awwww Sam: “...she was still so beautiful that sometimes he had to look away.”

* Okay he a lil’ horny

* Awe Astrid and Sam hugging I’m soft 🥺

* I’m so sick of these damn coyotes

* Bruh these coyotes 😒

* Diana is annoying

* Literally can’t remember who Andrew is, but they’re about to film his passing away like wtf

* Poor Andrew :(

* “You’re a deep sleeper, Jack. Just now, while you were sleeping? I held your pudgy little hand. Probably as close as you’ll ever get to holding hands with a girl. Assuming you even like girls.” FUCK YOU DIANA

* Okay so Diana will protect Jack as long as he ‘belongs’ to her and does what ever she wants? That’s pretty sus

* Sam and Astrid kissed again 😖☺️

* Lmaooo Albert over here running McDonald’s

* Salads disappeared quickly from the McDonald’s menu since this whole thing? Who the hell orders a salad from McDonald’s?

* So Albert kinda whipped for Mary 👀

* I haaaaatttteeee the private school kids

* Y’know what depending on where I was and who I was with in this situation, I might’ve just killed myself

* “Remember who owns you” ew 🤨

* Diana. I hate you

* Bro I feel bad for Andrew

* How is Lana back at the cabin?

* That IS Lana right??

* Okay things are moving fast between Sam and Astrid. Like she’s already saying “I just want you here with me. Safe” like 🤢

* Lana, about Sam: your boyfriend? Astrid: ThAts nOt WhAt iTs AbouT

* LMAOO AFTER SHE SAID THAT SHE SAID IN A LOW VOICE “kind of” WHAT

* Lol Lana be out here like “yeah shits crazy. Get with the program”

* Ew they’re eating pudding with their hands 🤮

* I don’t care how hungry you are, that’s gross

* Like get a spoon or something

* Lana just called Astrid “smart girl Barbie” 🤨

* Part of me is like “lol” but the other part of me is like “bruh stop Astrid did nothing wrong”

* I still hate Quinn but he is kind of funny

* Lana calling Astrid “the blonde” like girl 😑

* Bruh you’re stuck in a house that is literally on fire and getting hotter by the second as it fills with smoke, now is not the time to be kissing Astrid

* Finally the damn coyotes are gone.

* Sam is so angry and he’s disgusted with himself for being so angry, I relate

* Fuck you, Quinn

* Fuck drake

* I would gladly kill Drake

* OOOOOOOOO EDILIO LIKES LANA AHHHHHH

* SIMP

* omg I love it 😩

* Lmaooooo Sams speech wow

* Sam you should NOT forgive Quinn. Especially not that fast. Yikes.

* Orc should feel bad for killing Bette. I have no pity for him rn

* Yes please kill drake.

* I am so happy that his arm is on fire. 100% he deserves to feel that pain

* Aww that’s kinda nice that Albert is planning thanksgiving dinner for everyone

* DAMMIT DRAKE

* I hate drake so much like dude just shut up and leave everyone alone

* Orc oh my god I could not be rolling my eyes harder right now

* Tbh if Orc and his other friends die, I’m okay with that

* What tf is up with this DVD

* Little Pete caused all of this??? 😦

* I’m sooooo sick of this whole darkness and coyote stuff istg

* Where is Patrick?????

* If Patrick is dead imma throw hands

* Diana is such an evil person. Like Drake is a monster, but she’s horrible in a different way.

* Also ughhhhhhhhhh Drake is back 😒😒😒😒😒 so sick of that mf

* “So. When do we go take down Sam Temple?” 🙄🙄🙄 no one likes you Drake

* AHAHAHHSJAHSHSHHSHD

* SAM JUST TOLD ASTRID HE LOVED HER

* AND SHE SAID IT BACK

* IM. S O F T

* (like my brain is still saying “y’all have talked for less than two weeks and you’re 14”)

* But like whatever 😭❤️

* My eyes just rolled into the back of my skull once Diana appeared

* Taylor low key flirting with Sam tho 👀

* When I first met Dekka, I was all: ‘what the hecka?’

* THOSE DAMN COYOTES

* I’m crying because Quinn couldn’t kill Drake because he was scared, and now children are screaming. Ugh I really wanted him to kill Drake but I understand that killing someone is a crazy thing to have on your conscience

* Call me cold hearted, but I would’ve shot him

* This is all in theory of course ^ I bet if I was in that situation though it wouldn’t be as easy as “just shoot him”

* I don’t think I’ve ever been more annoyed with a fictional character than I am with Drake rn

* Yooo I bet Isabella has some animal powers or sumn

* Caine 🙄🙄🙄 like that emoji doesn’t even come close to describing how annoyed I am

* Wait so is Patrick back now or...?

* Caine really just. Kissed Diana. Because she “owed him”????

* THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT

* I literally hate sooooooooo many characters in this book ugh 😒😒😒

* Quinn is watching Drake kill Sam and is doing nothing. I’m so done with this piece of shit

* Ok finally he tried to shoot him

* “You know it always gets me hot when you say ‘apt analogy.’” “Why do you think I do it?”

* Y’all 🥴🥴🥴

* THOSE DAMN COYOTES

* Literally? Imagine being this heartless. Giving up hundreds of kids to coyotes without hesitation. The hate I have for Caine is real

* Once again, Orc feeling bad for what he did to Bette. And honestly? I’m still okay with that

* This kid is an a l c o h o l i c

* Computer Jack is so annoying like dude stop holding on to Sams leg. Literally

* Still hate Diana, but I like that she’s helping out Sam a little bit

* Ew Diana just kissed Sam on the corner of his mouth 🤢

* I TOLD YALL ^^^

* Yay Patrick is alive :)

* “I guess we won,” Sam said. “Yeah,” Edilio agreed. “I’ll get the backhoe. Got a lot of holes to dig.”

* ^im. Depressed

* I cannot for the life of me remember who Cookie is

* “Orc sat with Howard in a corner by themselves. Orc had fought Drake to a standstill. But no one-least of all Orc-had forgotten Bette.”

* ^good.

* Y’all Sam and Astrid flirting I- 🥴🥴

* We love to see it ^

* Awww “we’re going to the beach” y’all Astrid and Sam are so cute

* THOSE DAMN COYOTES

* FUCK. Goddamn this cliffhanger 😡

#gonebook #funny #gonebymichealgrant #goneseries #readingfunny #readingmemes #gonefunny #samtemple #astrid #caine #littlepete #thefayze #gonememes #drake #book #bookfunny #bookmemes #bookmeme #mine #funnymemes #reading #read #gone #gone2008

[sunshineonamission-blog]

January 30th Wednesday 1:38AM

So basically Tuesday

Do i even remember this morning

This morning I woke up and I was just so. Tired. So tired. Like hard to move in a literal way. 

It was either this morning or yesterday - I think yesterday but when I went to open my blinds to let the light in it was like blue. Maybe that was Monday. Anyway.

Last night I slept in the dark with the door completely closed and the kitchen light off. I guess there was nothing scary to me about the dark anymore.

This morning I took a painful shower and I got dressed in my lined mom jeans that I’ve been avoiding and my grey turtleneck, and my denim jacket. I knew I’d sweat through the turtleneck. I was in denial. I packed a bag. I made some tea. I put my last lara bar in my pocket. I walked to Ryder. 

Meeting with Jesse at 8:45. Was amazing. 

I blabbed and he actually made sense of it. 

So. Sounds like you like to make shit. 

Yeah. 

If you wanna do the new york thing and pound the pavement for a while you can. If you want to stay in boston... you can. 

“I’m not fuckin corporate Northeastern. I want what’s best for you”

“You have permission to act. To be a theatre artist.”

“I give you permission to not know what you’re doing right now.”

- Summer. Berkshire Theatre Co. or Shakespeare & Co. or work and make money and “make a bunch of shit. get your friends. --> his best man runs Shakes, he used to run Berkshire: “it’s... grueling. if you wanna kinda pay your dues and train...”

- Fall. As many studio classes as possible. Acting 2. 

- Playwriting, Directing, movement at some point, voice& speech, viewpoints

- He said I could get into movement right now. Ugh. Yesterday was the last day to drop a class without “withdrew” on transcript. 

- If I wanna do a BFA program and just grind it out and wear black every day and be in a conservatory setting I can- probably not gonna be this year. That’s okay.

- MFA is an option. Maybe not recommended unless you have a trust fund or a strong desire to teach

- “Your makeup as a human being seems right. To be an actor. You have a seriousness but also a goofiness. You need both.”

“For the sake of your health, just maybe breathe...”

“You have time.”

“I know a lotta actors who direct. My wife does. I know directors who act sometimes.”

It’s weird right. You’re here for theatre and surrounded by like. STEM majors. They’re robots. 

Keep the conversation going when I need to. 

Advice for acting & life: don’t wait for someone to teach you. don’t wait to be instructed. If the opportunity arises to learn and do, do something. 

Kick ass in acting tomorrow. 

“you’re okay. You’re in the right place. in terms of like. mindset”

I was really just beaming walking outta there. I was excited. I changed into the acid wash jeans and too tight flowery converse and acadia sweatshirt and made my way to curry while i scarfed down the lara bar

Had like 15 minutes so I sat and researched summer programs a little. Obviously he said berkshire was grueling sooo that’s where I wanna go.  - must do more research and maybe a second more soul searching and then just start prepping

Okay shop for 4 hours. Climbed scaffolding. Super grateful Julia Chase a normal human being was there.  Mätthew’s nice and it’s fine. I hate Jenny. Jeanie. Whatever her name is. And that other kid whose name I don’t remember but he has an absurdly low voice and a beard and he’s tall and he’s stupid. I apologize for the strong language. Ultimately I don’t hate them I just like can hardly stand being around them because they’re just so cringey and rude and like the combo makes me want to go off. It makes me wanna be like yo. Jennie. I know. And stop holding the screw while you drill. That’s why you keep bleeding. But we got a lot done and especially when it was just me julia and matthew i really did like save the day with my ideas several times. fun! draining though and hadnt eaten in like a while besides the lara bar

Home. Was gonna research summer while eating my ubereats smoothie bowl because Jugos closed at 5 and it was like 3 and i wanted to sit and eat and research. No thank u Bgood u are a heartbreak at the moment. 

Accidentally didnt put in my address for ubereats. What was in there was Park Plaza. Mhm. Ow. I called to fix my mistake but it was already on the way. 3 miles away. via bike. Angry ubereats biker. 

I went to atm at MARINO and got money out, crying, came back, waited. Called mom weeping. He got here. He was biking away. What? I said hey excuse me he said “it dropped. It fuckin dropped. Im sorry okay you wont get charged it dropped.” I made him take $10 and apologized for the mistake and he said he was sorry for freakin out, sorry for making me cry. He made me think of Maddie Dinsmore. SO, MUCH. He said you’re a female I’m sorry I hate making girls cry and I said oh no trust me you didnt. I said the address I sent it to by accident was just a place I was at with my boyfriend like a month ago and we just broke up and I never order ubereats but i was really hungry so it made me cry.

And he said youre obviously hungry and you didnt even get your food and offered to go get me something from nearer by. He said he was moving to california on friday. I gave him the $10 and said no no that’s fine but good luck in California.

 I don’t know why I felt the need to overshare to this stranger. I think it was two things. One was that I saw someone who felt very badly and who’d just biked 3 miles and who wasnt getting paid for it. I am a decent liar sometimes. When it seems like the right thing to do. Or at least I have been. But I’m so fuckin done with that. Not a bone in my body had the capacity in that moment to say oh no it’s not you I totally just bombed a test I literally just didn’t have it in me. But I didn’t want this person to have any guilt or sadness from today. So I just told the truth. Because yeah he was mad and it made me cry but ultimately it wouldn’t have if not for the circumstances. Because the circumstances made me feel stupid and like essentially I started feeling well enough to eat and okay enough not to be scared to eat or to at least be brave enough to leap that hurdle and the universe said fuck you. You should be hurting. And you tried to eat and this is what happens. I don’t believe that to be true. It’s just how it felt in the moment. 

And I’m also just so heartbroken and it couldnt hurt to tell this person that I’ll never see again, who could judge me if he wanted but whose judgment would ultimately have no bearing on my life

Back inside. Back in bed. Talked to mom. 

Made eggs. 

Ew.

Felt super anxious

In bed totally checking daniel’s snap map and thinking he was auditioning. 

I’m so glad he’s auditioning. 

I wonder if he knew that he could’ve auditioned last week. 

I texted him when he was out and asked. He did. I’m glad. 

We talked for a while. I said more than usual. I dont put the screenshots of texts here because we don’t need to torture ourselves. 

I told him I just wanted him to be happy. He asked if id gone to any parties which blew me away because of course not. 

I told him about miss you like hell

I told him about my ubereats experience

I told him I was scared

I asked if it had to be til we were 25 to come back around

I said I wanna take it back

He said he was gonna marry me

He asked if I was okay

He knows.

He told the boys it’s only me he’s dating ever

I miss him like hell

My heart doesnt beat the same without you

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in) 

Ryder. Piano and singing and writing a song. Curry. HW with mia, my creative dna

Library w max ben maddie riana 

ava had stopped at max’s lobby cause she was scared of a sketchy van so when i left i walked with max to ava so that we could walk home together. 

Ava thinks she gets it but she doesn’t. I appreciate it but she doesn’t. 

I’m in bed. This is a no teeth no face wash night but it’s okay because no makeup today 

I’m very tired and it’s 2:16 now and time to go to sleep 

Goodnight