#i dont want to be disappointed like this again-

[ganondoodle]

in light of the news that riot games is letting go 11% of their workers (over 500 people), including long time workers responsible for big parts of the best lore in the entire league ip, AND cutting down LoR AND abandoning Riot Forge (the best idea they had in years lol)-

i stopped playing league a long time ago for multiple reasons, but one of the big ones were my annoyance with the increasingly shit ass monetization (thats only getting WORSE and MORE exploitative) and my frustration with its constant boring ass design decisions (like every new champ being either sexy girly girl that looks like all of the rest of them or sexy guy thats also starting to have the same problem plus all skins putting female champs in just another dress no matter how monsterfied the male champs were-) with my only interest in it being the lore and the attachment i felt to certain characters

im not even really interested in arcane anymore .. i was looking forward to it bc i like fortiches work alot but given how riot immedaitely wanted to make it canon (a dumb and stupid idea) after the first season was successful, which already made it less enjoyable for me, this is just ... idk, what does it matter

these news together with how bafflingly badly written totk was and its subpar quality (especialyl for that PRICE) that made me fear the future of loz yet it was still wildly sucessful (we deserve better than this!!), the recent commercial success of the plagiarism pokemon slavery/trafficking game and the general situation of the games industry, with AI rampant and CEOs sucking it up to shareholders only, constant massive lay offs everywhere in every studio

i have little hope left there will be new, good, games from big studios .. what an exhausting shitty world we live in

#ganondoodles talks #random #personal #save me good indie games #good indie games.... #good indie games save me .. #im well aware that there are more important things than video games #but this just adds to the oeverall exhausting feeling of everything everywhere in every industry and every part of the world getting worse #like fuck #cant soemthing good be happening for once #maybe less death and destruction #both literally and in an artistical sense #genuinely not looking forward to anything anymore #im not gonna dare to hope for a new good loz game bc hell it will be years and totk was a grim view into the future of the franchise #i dont want to be disappointed like this again- #i wanna mention again that i set my expectation extremely low for totk- all i wanted was a sequel to botw- or just a good game #and my god was it not #dont try to argue with me #im angry and tired

[skitskatdacat63]

DTS S6E1 "Money Talks" - Fernando Alonso & Lance Stroll

#thought i might as well gif these #only thing in that ep worth gifing..... #cant say im not disappointed #but ill take my chances where i cna get them again #but was literally fighting in the trenches making these #gifing shows is just infinitely worse than gifing race stuff #especially since yknow this just came out today so i had to figure out how to clip it #so if its a bit choppy thats why ah #i love how fernando is such a manlet that i kinda had to crop lance out bcs i wanted to focus on nando LOL #like its so odd bcs he really doesnt look that much shorter than lance on stage in the first two #but in the last two hes literally tiny???? literally two apples tall?????? #anywyas dont know if ill gif anymore of this show. it annoys me too much to watch anymore and i dont know if theres anymore of my guys #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #lance stroll #strollonso #we do a little bit of f1

[stromblessed]

Mizu's spectacles, and the levels of her disguise

In drafting some more Blue Eye Samurai meta posts, I find myself writing out the comparisons between what Mizu can and cannot hide about herself, and how that affects how she moves through the world.

Like, I get the jokes about Mizu's glasses, if only color contacts had existed back then, etc. etc., and I think (hope) that most viewers don't take the glasses jokes seriously, as in "I don't care about the suspension of disbelief because BES is a cartoon." But I wanted to write these thoughts out anyway without burying them in a text post about something else.

I think the points I'm going to lay out here are viewed very differently by different people, so please feel free to add to this post, reply, or put your thoughts in the tags!

Not only do Mizu's glasses not actually help her that much, there's surely more to Mizu's mixed race appearance than just the color of her eyes.

In my view, this was pointed out in episode 1:

I'm willing to bet most of us were expecting young Taigen to say "blue eyes," not "ROUND eyes."

Obviously this is still about Mizu's eyes, but not even spectacles can hide their shape.

I don't think the show is obligated to point out everything about Mizu's face that isn't quite as Japanese as the people around her expect. Though the creators have said that they specifically designed Mizu - and her clothes - to read both as "white" and as "Japanese," as well as both male and female. I think there's more about Mizu's features that read as "white" than just her eyes.

This is where my own headcanons start entering the picture, but it's my impression that people can just tell that Mizu looks different, whether or not they can put a finger on exactly how.

There's the little girl who looks at Mizu and then hides on the way into Kyoto:

When there's more to your face you'd like to cover up than just your eyes, big hats are a big help!

By the way, most of these examples have to come from the first half of the season, since by the second half, either Mizu is too preoccupied with fighting henchmen, or everyone Mizu is facing knows who she is already, and she therefore has no reason to hide her mixed race identity.

It's worth mentioning that the mere fact that Mizu has to hide multiple aspects of her identity - her mixed race and her sex - results in her having to choose clothes that really, really cover her up, which doesn't win her any favors either:

(Zatoichi reference, anyone?)

If it were as easy as, for example, tying her glasses to her head and wa-lah, nobody would ever know she was half-white - then (1) Mizu would've just done that long ago, and (2) Mizu wouldn't be so on guard and on tenterhooks 100% of the time the way she's depicted in the show, even when her glasses are on.

Her spectacles sure don't help her in the brothel, which is full of observant women who are trying to seduce her, meaning they get good long looks at her:

Mizu never takes her glasses off, but they still send a woman to her who has light eyes, thinking that must be what will interest a blue-eyed man:

No wonder Mizu gets mad after this, lol

So Mizu never takes her spectacles off in the brothel, it's dimly lit inside, and the women can still tell that she has blue eyes. I'm getting the sense that Mizu putting on her spectacles isn't a guarantee that people suddenly can't tell that she looks different.

And yet no one spots that she's female.

Mizu can hide her breasts, can wear her hair in the right style, can hide what's between her legs, can walk and talk and behave like a man - and she's been doing it for almost her entire life, to the point that not only is she very good at it, but the threat of being found out as female is deadly, but isn't presented in the show as omnipresent.

Let me explain.

She threatens Ringo for nearly saying the word "girl" out loud, because while she's constantly ostracized for being mixed race, being a woman traveling without a chaperone, carrying a sword, and disguised as a man will get her killed or flogged or arrested or some combination of these things.

But in addition, it's been drilled into her since she was a child that if she is discovered as female, the combination of her being mixed race and female will identify her as someone extremely specific, someone known to some bad people, and she will be killed:

I think of it as Mizu thinking to herself, "Being found out as mixed race means I'm treated badly. Being found out as mixed race and a woman means I'm dead."

Mizu's hair is cut as a child. But she isn't made to wear a big hat, or cover her eyes somehow, or anything like that. Because hiding her sex is a more successful endeavor than hiding her race.

Ringo finds out she's female by accident, but once Mizu accepts the fact that he won't rat her out, she relaxes pretty early on in the season. Because the threat of being found out as female is mitigated pretty much 99.9%, since Mizu has gotten so good at being a man. And also, because most of the time, people see what they want to see. Even if Mizu's face makes her stand out as "not 100% Japanese," no one in the world of BES looks at Mizu's clothes, her bearing, her sword, hears her voice, and will ever in a million years conclude that she is a woman, because expectations around gender roles in the Edo period were so rigid and so widely enforced.

One detail that proved this to me is after the Four Fangs fight:

Ringo takes off Mizu's clothes so he can stitch her up, then leaves her clothes off even after he's done. He doesn't even throw her cloak over her as a blanket or anything. There's a little a straw (pallet?) as a divider there on the left, but anyone could just peek around it and see Mizu and her chest bindings. (I think it's mostly there as a windbreaker.)

And Taigen is right there, but he doesn't give a shit:

Opinions probably vary hugely on this, but my impression is that because the show doesn't make any kind of deal about Taigen being in the room with Mizu here, my guess is that Mizu isn't in any danger of Taigen thinking she's female. Even when I watched the show for the first time, I assumed that Taigen had seen Mizu out of her clothes here, and that he thought nothing of it.

Eat your heart out, Li Shang (Mulan 1998). I actually do think that this scene is a direct and purposeful side-eye to that movie, lol

There's obviously some nuance to how "severe" being mixed race is compared to how "severe" being a woman is for Mizu:

After all, Swordfather can't bear to listen to Mizu confess to being a woman.

So a Japanese man can go wherever he wants, whenever he wants in BES. A Japanese woman has limited options: marriage, religion, or a brothel. A mixed-race man is an eyesore in this story. A mixed-race woman is a death sentence.

May as well eliminate the female aspect, and do what you can about the mixed-race aspect. Because that's just realistic.

Meaning Mizu can avoid the strictures Edo society places on women. But she can't avoid the repercussions that come with being mixed race. And I truly don't think that it's just because "there's no brown contacts yet."

#blue eye samurai #mizu #racism #bes #I am truly disappointed that we didnt get absolute confirmation that Taigen saw Mizus bound chest and just didnt think it was a big deal #but I still think that scene is making a point #again I dont think most people take the glasses jokes seriously #but its been bothering me ever since I first saw them #I really dont think Mizu just looks like a 100 percent Japanese person...... with blue eyes #and I bet that will be made even more obvious when she goes to London where Im sure she will meet plenty of people #who are more than happy to point out their observations to her #also I ran out of room in this post to go into it but this is also what made Mizus marriage an absolutely doomed prospect #Mikio talks about wanting to find the right creature for his lord and well... a mixed race woman is the right creature huh #he just needed a little push imo #getting kind of sad at the thought that Ringo is the only person in Mizus life who knows her whole identity AND accepts it wholly

[thebirdandhersong]

It is some consolation that one day this will not make me bristle

#i am aware that im v tired and sleep deprived and about to be on my period so take everything i say with a grain of salt #also i hate being awake at 1am and i have a bajillion things i need to do that i havent started yet #and im planning 2 birthday things tomorrow #and i have 5 birthday dorm cards to write for tomorrow which is going to take foreber #forever #and hours of class to slog through #and i just want to curl up in a ball and weep!!!! #dont dangle the confounded treat in front of my eyes and then stomp it into crumbs while i watch! #dont make me think im loved and then Do This! #i am so tired! even though i know theres so much to be thankful for! #i am planning two birthday parties because i love you guys #but when MY birthday rolls around i am locking myself in my room i am leaving this place i am not going to tell anyone #i am Not going to sit around like a little girl with such sickeningly high hopes #and watch them be crushed AGAIN! #I will go OUT and not come back to the dorm until evening because i cannot STAND to be disappointed again #just like every other time! THIS MAKES ME SICK #my heart is so tired :) esp after the boy thing

[bonefall]

I'm glad you're keeping the part where Thunder puts himself between Clear Sky and Grey Wing, willingly showing that he would rather die before letting Clear Sky kill his dad.

That's actually a Bones Addition. You just think it's canon because it literally should have been there from the very beginning. Thunder doesn't get between them at any point during the battle, he runs towards them only to get interrupted by 2 people trying to kill him.

First was Falling Feather, who Jackdaw's Cry then jumps on and dies fighting with, sister killing brother.

Second was Leaf, who's a diehard Clear Sky supporter and general bully.

In canon, Clear Sky stops the battle after Gray Wing says the line, non-fucking-sensically imo. Killing his BROTHER is too far, but killing someone who wasn't even attacking him? A noncombatant who said something mildly insulting? That wasn't. Rainswept Flower did the SAME thing Gray Wing did and still got bumped off for it;

“Is this worth it?” he heard Clear Sky hiss at Rainswept Flower. Scrambling to her paws, she faced him. “What do you mean?” Clear Sky flattened his ears menacingly. “Are you ready to die just to stop me from making borders?” Rainswept Flower curled her lip. “You’ll keep stealing land as long as we let you.” “Stealing land?” Clear Sky’s mew trembled with rage, “I’m just making sure my cats never starve.” Rainswept Flower’s gaze flitted around the lush slopes of the hollow. “How could any cat starve here? There’s so much. Wanting more is just greedy!” “How dare you!” With a snarl, Clear Sky leaped for her, grabbing her throat between his jaws. Her paws flailed desperately, lashing out at thin air as he shook her like prey. Then she hung still. Clear Sky dropped her, gazing coldly at her lifeless body. “You never understood. I’m not greedy. I’m just strong.”

-The First Battle, Chapter 20

Then in Clear Sky's pathetic wet beast scene, he stares down at Rainswept's corpse, and thinks "I was so angry I don't remember killing her :("

So how, exactly, does this same character keep his cool when Gray Wing says the same shit but worse?? Is he really so controlled by emotion that his logical processes flip off, or fucking not? Gray Wing was refusing to submit, lunging at him, calling him power hungry and taunting him that he would kill his own littermate for it, and THAT manages to get through Clear Sky's blood-poisoned head?

"ouuugh it's his brotherr that's why his personality completely changes for him" the fucking guy tried to have this same brother murdered in Sun Trail by Fox. The first book. He EXILED HIS OTHER BROTHER for having a broken leg because he, "didn't want to look biased"

Again; is he controlled by his fear and anger or not? Is this a man who would snap the neck of someone he cares about because he feels insulted, or not?

The answer is that the Erins are breaking their spines bending over backwards to try and keep him "redeemable" when he shouldn't be. He's whatever the plot needs him to be, but the most consistent character traits point towards Clear Sky being the kind of person who would never have wanted to change his ways.

So, they write Clear Sky ridiculously backing down for Gray Wing, calling off the battle and "coming to his senses" instead of having Thunder do WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE DONE and jump to his REAL dad's defense.

This is what I mean when I mention how firmly I feel that Clear Sky's Redemption Arc was a mistake. He works best as a villain, a fearful, proud, controlling monster, understood by his impacts on other characters rather than as a person the story should concern itself with sympathy for.

#and because of that. Because of THAT. #DOTC is full of abuse apologia. #Because it firmly and desperately wants you to empathize with people like Clear Sky. His victims? The story is less interested in them #DOTC decided early on that Clear Sky was a 'good person deep down' and was working to that conclusion from the start #WC as a series believes that there are good people and bad people #And good people can sometimes do bad things but they're still good 'under it' #I reject this. There are NOT fundamentally good nor fundamentally bad people #We ARE our actions. Not our thoughts. Not some innate quality #It's never too late to be a better person and to do better than you did yesterday #But people like Clear Sky are terrible because *they dont care.* #They will never change because they don't want to #And focusing soooo hard on this person waiting for him to 'reveal' the goodness inside of him Deep Down is a fool's game #You will be disappointed over and over again #He HAD power and you see what he wants to do with it #Control and abuse people so they never leave or scare him. #He is an angry and egotistical person. That's it. #Evil is not complex. It's very simple. PAINFULLY simple. #It feels good to get what you want #warrior cats analysis

[knightlas]

leonardi three-wheel you are the best thing about this comic by far

#spider-man 2099 #sm2099 #the comics bad. sigh. but these are great #so strange.... the stuff from sm2099 (1992) is the best part of the comic........... its almost like.... . . no.. i shan't say it........ #im just. i am disappointed is the sad thing (miguel design one hit killed me i will never know peace) but at least i saw my buddy. #for five seconds i was happy (kenshiro “zero” cochrane ghost rider 2099 appearance). for five whole seconds #i think. i dont know how to say this. i think dark genesis' miguel makes sliney run miguel look good. #so you can imagine how distraught i am #i dont know how i feel about spider-woman 2099 yet. its leaning negative and im so sad #venoms here now. thats cool. venom 2099 again. sighs #gabriel didnt show up btw so if anyone wants to help me set the building on fire nows the time #miguels eyes were brown lmao. this might be the thing that finally pushes me over the edge into draw miguel o'hara land. out of spite #anyway. im gonna color

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

i'm cry laughing some people on twitter are now saying "izzy bashing" needs to be tagged in fics. how did these people ever survive watching this show where izzy is the CANON ANTAGONIST i'll never know

benefit of the doubt but i think most of them have gotten to this point gradually. when they first watched the show they were not attached to izzy the way they are now. i know for a lot of people it was blorbo at first sight with izzy but i've also seen izzy enjoyers say they didn't like him at first, and then fandom made them care about him.

like i'm pretty sure for a lot of ppl it started off with isolating themselves from ppl who made posts that they didnt like, like ppl who criticized ofmd for being based on two real people with direct connections to actual real-world slave trade (which is an incredibly valid thing to criticize abt ofmd).

another one that i think funneled a lot of fans towards being so delusionally attached to izzy was people pointing out or complaining about the disproportionate amount of fan content for izzy compared to prominent characters of color—which is a consistent issue in fandom no matter what the media, and is also a very easy one for people to be uncomfortable with whenever they see it get pointed out. people venting that "fans care too much abt this white man" often make fans who care abt that white man very defensive right off the bat, and then rather than engage with why they feel defensive or question if maybe their enjoyment of this character is fueled by implicit bias (which it might not be, to be clear! im not saying—and i have never said—that everyone who enjoyes izzy likes him for racist reasons), they stop listening to the conversation abt white favoritism and continue blorboposting as much as they want. it's incredibly easy for fans to brush off this convo as "just starting drama" and avoid the topic altogether because "fandom is for fun!" and they dont want to think abt difficult topics like racism and implicit bias, they just want to enjoy their blorbos in peace.

so they kept narrowing the takes they were seeing until they were in an echo chamber that kept moving more and more towards complete woobification of izzy hands. these people are now looking at the show entirely through izzy's pov, making posts abt how sad it is that none of the other characters are ever nice to him, how frustrating the show is from his perspective, how it feels to be deeply in love with someone who doesn't love you back. they've stared at gifs of con's micro-expressions and read angsty fanfiction and looked at endless izzy fanart and their entire ofmd fandom experience revolves around empathizing with this one character even tho the show itself continually makes him the butt of the joke.

at this point, telling these people to rewatch the show doesn't even matter. they've spent so much time over-analyzing every single one of izzy's scenes to the point where the emotional responses they get from these scenes are not the emotional responses anyone would have watching the show for the first time. they've warped the entire first season to fit their version of the show and are forgetting how often the show itself bashes izzy.

and the icing on the cake is the trolling. there's like, one or two people on here who go around sending anon hate and leaving nasty comments on instagram posts and harassing people on twitter for... like, i would say "for liking izzy" or even "for saying positive things about izzy" but like. i've gotten these messages, and the most sympathetic i've ever been to izzy was the post i made like "maybe he's mean bc he has chronic IBS. i'd actually understand him more if that were the case." so when i get these messages it's easier for me to just laugh them off bc it's so obviously just someone trying to make me upset, but people who do care about izzy (a lot of them being the same people who avoided engaging with the "why does fandom care so much abt white characters" convo) get these absolutely horrible messages about how they deserve to get hate crimed and they should kill themselves. and these fans who didn't want to even see vaguely negative posts abt izzy bc they just want to enjoy fandom in peace are now like "im targeted for just liking a character!"

so that's how we get to people saying that "izzy bashing" needs to be tagged. never mind that their definition of "bashing" almost certainly includes things that are not bashing but are just things that contradict the way they headcannnon him.

#ask #anon #mine #txt #og #izzy critical #izzy hands #ofmd fandom crit #if this post is in the izcourse tag no it isnt u just dont know how to use tumblr #obligatory Not All Izzy Fans disclaimer #also btw in case anyone tries to come at me with “it's stupid to tell people to pay attention to different characters”: #noticing the disappointing trend of fandom to fixate on white side characters ≠ telling people to stop making izzy content #im not telling individual izzy hands enjoyers to stop paying attention to izzy. there are a lot of reasons why ppl might like izzy #if i interact w someone whose ofmd contribution is primarily pro-izzy my thought is “oh they like antagonists” #not “oh they don't care about characters of color bc they're racist” ok im not gonna jump there without a reason #but on a fandom-wide scale this is a Trend that has happened over and over again in fandom after fandom after fandom #like We Live In A Society bro we can't just pretend white men are always the faves in fandoms just by coincidence #but also tbh if you think im saying that You Personally need to make content for characters of color? and you're getting MAD at me for it?? #then ur probs not someone i want making content for those characters lmao. u keep izzyposting to ur heart's content <3 have fun bestie

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

now that hell week is over and i actually have time to Feel Things the dread is hitting full fucking force despite the fact that my period is over.. im a having a delayed reaction and i am Not enjoying it

#just gotta keep reminding myself i dont actually wanna kms but jesus christ its so hard to feel anything other than Bad right now #stressed out of my mind because of school bullshit feel like a disappointment and a failure #im so fucking exhausted all the time i just want it all to stop #something something i have got to reread frankenstein something something something #that or watch inside out again.. that sould hopefully fix me #genuinely what i need is someone to hug me while i cry for like an hour but that is Not gonna happen because theres nothing i hate more #that crying in front of people!! #its fine im fine i dont need human support and companionship right now i have my stuffed hippo and my chemical romance to keep me alive #i hope everyone is doing better than me rn

[onewingedangels]

I finished ff7 rebirth

#personal #no spoi.lers here dont worry #CRYING AND THROWING UP :') #I HAVE SO MANY THOGUHTS RIGH NOW #i'm gonna say i liked this game and its def better than the remake #i don't even want to touch remake anymore after this lmaooo #the game as a whole was really good #i do have some thoughts on story and character changes that i liked and didn't like #it mostly goes from ''oh i think this is fine'' to ''i wish they didn't change this at all'' yknow the usual.............. #i do feel kind of disappointed about the ending and the changes to this and that which i wont say bc too spoiler-ish #the whole last chapter felt so weird to me and idk if i liked it or not and it felt like it was rushed a lot? #i'm also disappointed with zack's scenes in the game?? #whoever said on twt ''i watched all zack's scene and zack fans will be satisfied'' ummmm i'm not satisfied?? i'm more confused #the whole hype about his part in the game and it just felt nothing to me? ily zack im sorry :'D #i hope its not just a silly fanservice but after u finish the game it gives u a setting #when u can turn off all zack's cutscenes in the game?? which had me like 👁️👄👁️ #ANYWAYS overall i liked the game and i WILL be replaying it later #and maybe talk more about spo.ilers or not idk #and i hope the 3rd game will be even better since they still didnt show us much? which also has me confused but again wont say more for now

[cloudcountry]

there is no way the ikevamp guys are being such assholes in jean's route i must be dreaming

#auburn talks ikevamp <3 #like idk dont take it from me but first sebastian lies to her about there being vampires #then they lie to her AGAIN saying the mansion is on fire just so they can get her out of her room #jean fucking BIT HER and comte did NOTHING to ensure her safety #MOZART gives her sass and then shoves her so hard into jean's room that she lands on her hands and knees #and then pulls out the “i wont let my friend be so misunderstood.” LIKE HE DIDNT FUCKING BITE HER #let me tell you if i played jean first i would have hated EVERY SINGLE PERSON in this FUCKING MANSION aside from isaac #comte. get me a new residence immediately please. i do not want to live with you and your ASSHOLE SONS #why are they treating the absolute WORST in jean's route is what i want to understand. like you are quite literally pushing her- #-around as you lie to her. she is nothing but a punching bag for you. #AND MAY I REMIND YOU she is a WOMAN in a mansion full of MEN. #and there is not even a SHRED of sympathy for her situation from these fucking idiots. #jean's route is just. ugh. it's not vibing with me. i hate it so far. stop treating this poor girl like she's nothing but garbage- #-under your shoe. have some human compassion you absolute barbarians. im disappointed in all of you.

[ganondoodle]

i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo

#ganondoodles talks #also probably sounds like self pity #but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist #i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think #but the internet never gets to see that much of me #i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere #so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing #i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out #i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with #i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong #im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh #it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again #sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with- #-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it #doesnt sound like a good excuse #... i want to thank those that do stick with me #even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise #there are little things that still make me angry at myself #like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing #and i got two #and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop #i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late #i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom #no matter how much i enjoy the ask #and i love getting asks!!! #im sorry :((

[bisan-is-trying]

Me joking with my mom while cooking: aren’t you super proud of my cooking skills!! There's no match for me!! Im unstoppable!!

Mom in a solemn voice: but im really disappointed in you

Me: ????

Mom: pursuing your Master's degree, it seems like you no longer care about continuing your studies, it’s like you've frozen that idea.

#way to kill the vibe mom #she is still disappointed that unlike my bachelor's education #i didn't immediately jump to a random university and study whatever random major they gave me #even though i could’ve gotten a neat scholarship and studied something i really liked at the time #at the time i had no idea what im soig and where i wanted to go so i just followed along #but im not suffering through getting a master's degree for something i dont even care about #what she doesnt know is i have a plan. i have been following the plan ever since graduation. #if plan goes perfectly im supposed to start applying either this year or the next #she has no clue sometimes i stay up really late thinking about all the decisions i made and things i can no longer change #i dont want to do the same mistakes again #also its not like i can really afford it right now without a proper scholarship #i get she wants me to be the best at everything but the way she goes about it always makes me feel like a failure #mom...

[craycraybluejay]

Bruh I be having literally the worst urges and I feel bad that I don't feel bad at all. Like damn. Guess I'm really like that. Well, anyway.

#i am apathetic to whatever monstrosities lie within my mindscape #or rather i enjoy them and am apathetic to the idea that they are evil #unfortunately the fact that I'm excited ab them makes me rly rly rly want to talk ab them #which would be bad #but if it gets bad enough i think its time i let my therapist in on the next circle of anouther hell #i know she will be kind no matter what i spring on her #but this. i dont know how to feel or what to think about all this #its pathological. i can fix it about as well as i can fix the fact that i adore music or get turned on by fear or am consistently- #-platonically or otherwise pulled to murderers and the like #i know its some psychosexual nonsense-- some fixation rooted in some perverse symbolism that i cant fully grasp #its so difficult to be a BadWrong thoughts and desires person #bc even tho i have like. some level of control and ethicsband whatnot. even tho im not doing the guilt ocd thing. #even though i know im ok the way i am #i also know i cant talk ab it. cant be excited about it. cant vent or happy rant about it. stay quiet. let it eat ya #cause ppl cant accept some things cant like. come to terms with things. again and again #i find myself relating more to 'good people' but being able to talk more openly and honestly with 'bad people' #like im too far from either side to ever be fully myself but i must let it out #and so i find i cant trust the people i love most with some of the most personal things more than i can trust a complete stranger #because at least that stranger has no spare room to judge. and i cant give af about losing a strangers high esteem of me #i share something truly heinous and sure i may be threatened but. disappointment from ppl u love is worse than murderous rage from strangers #which came first- the fixation or the corruption? i think it was the fixation #i was like that before. whatever false indulgences i have given myself will always sate the beast and not create it #i am not a bad person. but i will always have a monster inside me. a balancing act between #being a somewhat polite functioning member of society and completely losing myself to the dark #i dont hate myself. i wish i did sometimes so i wouldnt have the urge to vomit it all out #i wish i hated myself and felt such guilt over all that so i could be happy with being quiet. i wish it was only good that excited me proper #or rather i wish i knew someone like me in the right ways. irl. no phones no danger. who i could share with excitedly and not feel like ill #be told that im a freak who deserves to die. someone who will share equally horrific things with me and will keep me in check #i want talk therapy but with someone that has something SO wrong with them. a friendship that is nasty and fun and grossly honest #someone to say 'i know what ur talking ab/how u feel' when i say something pitch dark

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[bluinary]

With no hate to that previous post I just reblogged bc its valid in and of itself:

I get what they're saying, but it's actually *not* like Rick Riordan broke into your house and moved all of your furniture.

It's more like you *bought* furniture and installment services from Uncle Rick's Home Goods in 2008, a lovely niche shop focused on serving our underserved community of neurodivergents. And then, despite your furniture from that time still being exactly as it was when you bought it and billions of exact copies being for sale, when Uncle Rick said, "Hey guys, I'm going to make this same line of furniture out of completely different material, and Im adopting a new installation tactic, but it's going to stick to its general function and purpose," you giddily clapped your hands and said, "I can't wait to see the exact same thing made out of entirely different materials!" Forgetting, of course, that that is literally impossible.

And **then** you came home and found that Rick (whom you left the door open for!) moved all of your furniture slightly to the left. Also he replaced every item with near-identical copies.

"I liked it the way it was very much, thank you!" Then don't get the update, idiot. It is so optional to watch this show. You had to wait a week between every episode. You had to torrent every 40 minute video on a weekly basis, or drive to visit your one family member who won't give up Disney+ anyway. And when things started proving to be different, *you* made the conscious choice to see where things were going. Now you're mad and miffed that it wasn't as faithful an adaptation as The Lion King 2019 was to the original 💀. Coming from an AuDHDer, please understand that your neurodivergent rigidity can only be accommodated so much, my friend. Real people worked hard to make this. Different people from the book's production. *More* people than the book's production. And you know what's crazy is that, despite all of this, some of the tone of minor scenes may have changed, but nothing major truly did. We did it-- we got a faithful adaptation!! If it's not your cup of tea, if your mind's eye just cannot be topped, it's all good. Just say, "this seemed cooler in my head." But oh my god, I'm tired of the Rick slander. The overall crew slander. As if people didn't work their asses off to make this show happen at all. "Rick Riordan broke into my home--" you let him in. *You* watched the show; you let him in and consented to whatever the fuck he was going to do (which...wasn't even much).

If you are scared of coming home and finding your special interest moved slightly to the left, stop letting the author back in through your front door.

#pjo tv show #vent #i didnt want to reply to OP bc i dont know them and their post just seemed like a vent too. #this is in response to many many others ive seen blaming rick for their viewing experience #i dont know rick either. but tbh his work speaks for itself. #and if we want more of it we need to not do The Twitter Thing of smashing and trashing anything remotely made for us #just bc its not perfect. or in this case because its slightly to the left of the original source 🙄 #its in response to the people who are like....being hostile about it. #im really fucking disappointed in this fanbase. i used to think we were a far more positive place. #but genuinely trying to be on here and look at fun posts about pjo between eps has lead to much of the fun being squashed #because ***everyone is complaining****. #yall are insufferable. go join the illiteracy club on tiktok and watch the latest marvel movie or something. #the positive posts are becoming so few that Tumblr has shown me the same posts over 5 times each. #You Are A Tar Pit ❤️ #not op of the last post btw. again they seemed nice. their analogy was just....it accidentally summed up the problem perfectly.

[comfy-sofa]

Episode 10 Rants and Thoughts

I'm not Ok and neither are y'all so let's get into it

July looks gorgeous! And look! There are people now like my goodness. Also this city gives me ff7 city vibes (I can't remember the name but iykyk)

K U R O N E K O MY SWEET BBY GIRLLLLL

Ok, vash sneezing at the wrong time and ended up getting caught is so Vash of him lmao

But him just taking the bullet???? Yeah this man is so fucking depressed and is not hiding it at all. And then he just walks away??? Sir please seek THERAPY

THE SCARS???? Like is that exposed muscle???? Him just taking the bullet out like its nothing...honestly speechless (good now give him more)

Side note: The animation for when Vash turned was different! It felt more 2d, I'm digging it.

Elendira's nails! I'm still upset at her design like the badass nail lady with great fashion sense was RIGHT THEREEEE

R.I.P Roberto De Niro...we saw his death coming fucking MILES away TIME FOR MERYL STRYFE TO BECOME THE BADASS CHARACTER SHE DESERVES TO BE (now who's her first victim I'm betting Conrad lol)

Fucking Elendira and Wolfwood bickering, fucking chaotic sibling energy

CONRAD C O N R A D THE FUCKING PICTURE IM NOT OK IM NOT OK NO T O K

Does knives plan on using the red plants to make vash a full plant like him??? Is he trying to restore Vash's energy??? I NEED TO KNOW NOWWWWW

We're getting close to end yall and next episode is definitely trauma central like I hope orange fucking pulls all the stops on this one like I need to have my shit rocked mentally like BRING IT.

Like hit me like a TRUCK with this ending, make me FEEL for Vash and Knives, like make me feel for the people in July who are about to die. Give me flashbacks, hallucinations, nightmares ALL OF IT. I want stampede to get the season-ending it deserves, with Vash in the debris of the city blaming himself and wishing he ended himself right then and there. Meryl traumatized from seeing the death of THOUSANDS in the most inhumane way possible. Wolfwood questioning what monster he guided to the largest city and watch it be reduced to nothing. GIVE👏ME👏ANGST👏

Ok thanks for coming to my Ted talk

#trigun #trigun stampede #vash the stampede #millions knives #rhythm rants #im probably hyping it up so much were i might get disappointed in the actual ending #but i dont care #im having fun with watching the show and i want it to do well #trigun deserves a good remake #its crazy how trigun actually made me want to draw again ahd learn to write like wow #sorry for rant in these tags i honestly dont expect anyone to read this #ok im done ✌️