#i forgot if jess got her blog back fuck

[succikko-draws]

I'm so behind with my uploading- here's a big commission with a bunch of my friend's ocs

@yamanaka-shin @loutrem @devotedanarchy @moonamayillu @maphel-n-doodles @tarutaruga @onmywaytofanfic

#i forgot if jess got her blog back fuck #commission #naruto ocs #featuring suko nagato and their kid nikaido

[ellana-ravenwood]

The Ex - Jason Todd x Single !Mom reader part 3/5

Hi, my name’s Ella’, and I’m here to fuck up absolutely perfect families. Hope you’ll like this new chapter of Jay x Single!Mom, I think there’ll be only one more part after this, and um...yup, hope you’ll like it ! : 

FINISHED SERIES : PART 1, PART 2, PART 4, PART 5 NEWLY ADDED EPILOGUE : PART 1/3

My masterlist blog : @ella-ravenwood-archives​

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“Hey (Y/N).”

He dares to say, a wrapped package in one hand, and flowers in the other.

“…Jess ?”

You whisper, not quite believing your eyes.

Jess. Him. How ? After all this years, why ?

Jess. Him. Viggo’s father.

You don’t think. As soon as the information of who this is finally reaches your brain, and the shock passes, you walk straight to him. 

Jason, who knows who “Jess” is, looks at you with a pained look as you rush to your ex, as if you’re about to give him a hug.

And Jess ? Oh Jess. He has an infuriating smile on his face, the kind that means “I’m gonna get exactly what I want and I know it”, and he opens his arms as if you’re about to give him a hug.

Only you don’t. 

Oh no. On the contrary. Years of pent up feelings and resentment against him explode inside you, and as you reach him...You punch him right in the jaw with all your might. 

Everyone gasps. Jess grunts in pain. You grab your fist and swear because fuck punching people actually hurts ! Viggo, who went to stand next to Jason, lets out a laugh, apparently delighted that you just hit his father. 

Your boy knew about who his dad was. 

You kept ONE picture of him to show him what he looked like (and Viggo was very happy to see that he looked NOTHING like his father, but resembled you a lot), because you knew the importance of knowing your own identity. Knowing where you came from. Even if it meant knowing that your father was a total fuck up, at least...you knew. 

Viggo knew that he left. Right before his birth. 

He knew everything you knew, in fact. Because you never refused to answer his questions. You thought he had every rights to know about the man who abandoned him. At the same time, you tried to not be biased and give your son only the truth, the facts. 

You never spoke ill of his father. 

You always said you and him got along very well, and that you really were in love with him. You even talked about the good times you had with Jess, after all, you two dated for years before you got engaged and you got pregnant...You never spoke ill of his father, but you stated the facts. 

Jess left. There was no beating around the bushes. Viggo deserved to know the truth, and you weren’t about to make up some lie about his dad having to leave for some reasons. No. He left, of his own accord, just like that. 

Even if at the time you were in love, and even if he was always sweet and nice to you...he ultimately broke your heart by leaving. By not even having the courage to face you to tell you so, only writing a note saying everything was “too much”.  

Jess left Gotham city the day his son was supposed to be born. A few months before you were supposed to get married. That was a fact. And maybe he used to be a nice guy, and you used to be in love with him and all of that...but in the end, he still left. 

And though when he was younger Viggo couldn’t quite understand what everything meant, and why his daddy decided to not even see him, wondering if he did anything wrong...Now, at the very wise age of eight, he figured things out. After all, he was quite a smart kid.

Actually, Jason coming in yours and his life helped him understand. It had been just a little bit over six months since you started to date Jay, but it was everything Viggo needed to finally get it. 

Jess wasn’t his father. 

A father doesn’t leave his kid because he suddenly freaked out about becoming a dad ! A father doesn’t abandon his family, just leaving a short note, not even facing them ! A father, a real one, doesn’t run away at the first sign of trouble ! A father takes care of his kid, no matter what. 

To Viggo, the concept of a “dad” was kind of a foreign one. He saw dads on TV, in some of his favorite shows and such. He saw his friends’ dads. But...it was always just a theory to him. 

Dads were suppose to be there, to play catch with their sons, to help them do their homework, to kiss their booboo and read them bed times stories...But his dad wasn’t there. And you had to fill in and do everything. 

Viggo never thought it was a bad thing, not having a dad. Because you, his beloved mom, were absolutely the best !! 

But then. Then Jason came in the picture. And suddenly...Suddenly Viggo understood that having a dad was also awesome ! 

Your son knew since the beginning, since Jason took care of him when he was sick, that night you were suppose to have your first date, that Jason was definitely “real father material”. He instinctively took care of him, even though he didn’t even know him that much ! 

And though he was yet too shy and unsure about really calling him that, although he was still kind of afraid Jason would freak out if he did...Viggo realized, as his biological father dared to barge in today, that in his heart, Jason already became kind of his dad. 

Not that Jess guy. 

Not the one who abandoned him and left his mom in a deep struggle all those years ago ! But the one who didn’t actually “have to” stay and yet spend a night taking care of a sick kid he barely knew, and eating nacho chips and guacamole on the floor of a small living room as a first date. The one who didn’t have to stay, and didn’t run away at the first sign of trouble. 

And so, seeing you punch Jess’ goddamn lights out was highly satisfying, for the little boy. He knew violence wasn’t a good answer, but honestly, in this instance ? He didn’t care. Because he too, was mad at his “father” for never even wanting to know him. For never taking news about him, and suddenly reappearing right now, as if nothing ! 

The flowers and the wrapped object Jess was holding went flying in the air before falling on the ground with a loud noise. 

“How dare you ?! How dare you come back ? Today, on his birthday at that ?! Who do you think you are ?” 

You scream at him, holding your painful fist in your uninjured hand. Fuming. Viggo has never seen you that angry before. It’s kind of scary. Without thinking about it, the boy grabs Jason’s hand. For comfort. And Jason ? He squeezes back, reassuring Viggo immediately. 

Your ex straightens back up, and massages his jaw. it’s definitely gonna bruise. Damn, you had a mean right hook ! He looks at you, eyes narrowing a bit, and his next words make your blood boil : 

“Who do I think I am ? I’m his dad, that’s who I am.” 

Jess quickly realizes his poor word choice as your eyes turn a couple shades darker and you grab him by the shoulder...To violently bring him towards you and headbutt the hell out of him. 

He joins the flowers and gift he brought with him, on the floor, as you take a few unsure step backward. Ok, well headbutting someone also hurts. You see stars for a few seconds when...Jason. Of course. 

Jason is by your side now. And Viggo is too (you don’t see him, but he harbors a rather satisfied smile, as he sees his father shaking his head, down on the floor, trying to regain his senses after you basically beat the heck out of him). 

Your boyfriend lays a supportive hand on your lower back, and you kinda fall against him as your head spins a bit...It only takes a few seconds for you to get back to normal, but you stay against him. You feel as if he’s lending you his strength, and oh god you need it right now. It’s pretty incredible really, how he manages to soothe you in such a situation.

Jess gets back up once more, and, keeping his distance with you this time, says : 

“Ok. I’m sorry. I’m aware I just...I...I’m an asshole, ok ? I know. I shouldn’t have left. And I’m sorry I just assumed right now...I know I have no rights after what I did. I know I fucked up. I came here today to try and...fix things ok ? Glue the pieces back together. My sister just got a kid. And I went to see her in the hospital, and when I held my nephew it...Well it just reminded me that I...that I...That I screwed up. Big time. And so here I am. I know I should’ve called, I’m sorry. But I thought coming back on his birthday would...I don’t know, be nice.” 

“You thought wrong.”

You say, your voice cold and harsh. Not an ounce of forgiveness in your tone. Tt. What was he thinking ? That because he suddenly realized he was an ass, you’d forgive him that fast ? That you’d forget YEARS of trying to make ends meet ? Of working multiple jobs just to feed your kid ? That you’d forget how much he broke you, when he left you ? Not even saying where he was going ? Or why, exactly, he was leaving, except that it was “too much” ? 

Damn right he was wrong. 

“Listen (Y/N), I...I’m not playing tricks or anything ok ? I really had an epiphany, with my sister’s kid. I...I want to be part of his life ? Of our kid’s life ?” 

“Our ? Buddy, you lost the right to be his dad when you left eight years ago. As I was about to give birth to him.” 

There’s a small silence. You completely forgot that Jason’s family was here, as you’re entirely focus on that asshole that basically ruined your life (though the fact that his existence brought Viggo into your life was a blessing..the only good thing left in your heart about Jess, really). 

Your ex lets out a frustrated sigh and you think about hitting him once more for a second. How dare he get frustrated with you right now ? But then he takes the flowers and the gift back from the floor, and says : 

“Ok I see now is a bad time. Mea Culpa. I guess I didn’t think. I thought...I thought you’d be happy. That I want to be more in his life, you know ? I guess I really should’ve called. Ask for forgiveness before coming over. I’m sorry. I can see you’re busy so...I’ll go now. We can talk alone, later, right ?”

You don’t say anything, and glare at him some more. You don’t take the flowers and the gift he’s trying to give you either. He sighs once more and says : 

“Listen, we really need to talk ok ? I’m sorry I didn’t expect you to react that way ok ? Now I do realize you have every rights to. And I’m a total ass for barging in like this. But...in my defense, I didn’t expect you to have any...Company.” 

The way he looks at Jay makes your blood boil once more, and you’re about to punch him again but you feel your boyfriend’s hand on your lower back, caressing you soothingly and...It works. You exchange a look with him, and you can see in his eyes that...yes. Yes you understand. 

You should probably stop hitting that jerk in front of your son. No matter how big of a jerk he is, you’re really not giving a good example right now (oh but if only you could see the highly satisfied smile your son had on his face right now !). 

But it seems that Jess doesn’t quite learn his lessons fast enough, because he has the guts to say : 

“So um...I guess that’s my replacement, uh ?” 

You narrow your eyes back at him again. Did he just call Jason a “that” ? And what was he even insinuating right there ? Oh my god he had NO rights even making this kind of comment ! But before you can get to him again, and this time kick him in the balls, Viggo says : 

“There was nothing to replace, really. You weren’t there.” 

You often cursed your son’s smartassness, but in this instance ? You can’t help but smile proudly at him, even if you know you might be a bit petty right now. Eh. Who cares ? You deserve to be petty. Plus given the look on Jess’ face, your boy’s words hurt him more than a kick in the balls would have. 

“Outch...But I guess I deserve it uh ? I’m sorry about what I just said. About the replacement. I realize it’s not my place to...I’m sorry. I keep screwing up but...I really didn’t expect you to have company.”

“Oh yeah ? Were you expecting me to wallow forever while waiting for you ? Because I wallowed for about ten seconds, until I realized I had no time for self-pity because I had a kid to feed. All on my own. All of our plans to make it work pfioush, gone into flames.” 

“Ok. Ok (Y/N), let’s take a break in the bashing ok ? You can lash out on me later. When we won’t have an...audience. Please, let’s just meet later ok ? Give me a chance to apologize at least ? To explain myself ? Give you my side of the story ? No wait, don’t speak. I’ll um...I’ll call later ok ?”

“I won’t answer.”

“I’ll still call. And hope that when your anger will go down, you’ll give me a chance. I know I don’t deserve it, believe me I do. But...I’ll try anyway.” 

He shoves the flowers in your arms, and you catch them by reflex. He then turns to your son and says : 

“Happy birthday...Um...uh...”

“It’s Viggo. My name is Viggo.” 

“Oh, Viggo uh ? Like the actor ?”

“No. Not at all. You’re completely wrong.” 

He’s not sure quite why, but Viggo doesn’t want that guy to know that you named him after the actor indeed. He doesn’t want that guy to know anything ! He should have given him a fake name...Ugh, what kind of father doesn’t even know his own kid’s name ?! It’s not like you stopped him from coming to see him...he just didn’t seem to be interested until now !

Jess looks at your son for a few seconds, and then smiles sadly. 

“Well...happy birthday, Viggo.” 

Your son reluctantly takes the gift his “father” is giving him in his hands, as Jess turns one final time to you and says : 

“I’ll call you later. Sorry again, truly. I hope...I hope you believe me. Talk to you soon, hopefully...Bye (Y/N). I’m sorry. And um...bye buddy.” 

Jess finally leaves, and there’s a few more seconds of you not being able to let go of your anger. Of wanting to run after him, and push him down the stairs. But then...Then your son moves, and your eyes follow him. 

Viggo walks back in the apartment, passes Jason’s family, and goes into the kitchen. Without saying a word. Worried, you follow after him. Jason does too, so is the rest of his family. 

He climbs on the kitchen counter, and opens the window. He looks down in the street, his father’s present still in his hands. There’s a few seconds of confused silence. You’re still so shocked and moved about your ex’s appearance that you don’t even think about going to your eight years old son and scolding him about looking out the sixth floor window like this ! 

And apparently, Jason, his dad and his siblings are just as confused and lost, because they don’t do anything either. 

And then, after a minute or so, Viggo put the gift his father gave him out of the window, dangling it into the air for a few seconds...before letting go of it. 

There’s a second of silence, followed by a crashing sound and a “JESUS CHRIST !”...It’s Jess’ voice, you recognize it. 

Your son close the window, and looks at you with a disappointed look before saying : 

“I missed.”  

You don’t know why, but all of a sudden, all your stress, pain and anger from the past few minutes vanish and you start laughing louder than you ever did before. Quickly, the rest of the fam follows. 

He missed. Oh my god. That boy...

************

“...it wasn’t a very heavy gift anyway, even if I hadn’t missed it would have just like, knocked him out or something, nothing too bad.”

Viggo was saying to Damian, as he was helping Jason’s brother to put his actual gifts away. Damian was chuckling, listening to your boy. They were in the living room, while you were in the kitchen with the rest of the family.

“I’m...I’m so sorry Mr. Wayne. I realize this isn’t a great...first impression...”

“Please, call me Bruce. And then...It really wasn’t your fault.”

There’s a small silence. Not an awkward one though, as you look apologetically to Bruce, and he looks back at you with a reassuring and paternal look.

You smile back at him and feel strangely appeased. And when you turn to the rest of his Jason’s sibling, and they all smile to you. When you see Damian talking with your son about what does he think he got in his presents ?

You’re reassured.

You turn to Jason and...is that a troubled look on his face or are you just imagining ? Oh yeah no, you did just imagine it, as he brightly smiles at you and comes to wrap a tender arm around your waist.

“We can...leave if you want, you know ? To let you process everything ?” 

He says in your ear, and you turn to him, panicked as you answer : 

“God no ! I..need to think about something else right now ok ? And it’s Viggo’s birthday, he invited you guys, you can't go !” 

Jason nods, quite relieved, to be honest. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay and see Viggo’s cute smile as he blows his candles and open his presents.

But the arrival of Jess kind of...threw him off. Because no matter how much of an asshole that guy was, he seemed sincere when he said that he truly wanted to be part of Viggo’s life. And that was a good thing, right ? 

But as Jason’s gaze was drawn back to Viggo, he couldn’t help but feel a big pang in his chest. If Jess was back in yours and his life, what would happen to him ? Jason was already in too deep in love with you, and head over heals for your little boy, to just move on...

************

The rest of your son’s birthday went perfectly well. Better than you ever expected actually, even with Jess coming to ruin everything. 

Well, actually your ex didn’t manage to ruin anything in the end, because this party was a true success ! And one of the main reason for that was your son himself. He seemed to have completely forgotten about his “father” coming back, as he took his spot at one end of the living room’s table. 

“Time for the candles !” 

He chirped happily, and you all sung him the traditional “happy birthday” song. 

“Make a wish baby !” 

You tell him, and...Yes. You know exactly what he wished for. You can see it in his eyes, as he goes from looking at you to Jason, and then to the rest of Jay’s family. You’re pretty sure you know what he wished for

He blows his candles, making a wish that he doesn’t say out loud because if he does, it won’t happen, right ? And then he turns to the pile of gift on the couch...

“Ya don’t want to eat some cake first ?” 

You ask, knowing perfectly that he won’t be patient enough for that, but also will want to be polite and will ask his guests first. Which is exactly what he does : 

“Um...You guys want...cake ?”

“Yes.”

They all say unanimously, and Viggo’s face falls. He really was expecting them to tell him he could open his gifts first. He looks absolutely crushed, and slumps back in his chair. He looks pitifully at you, and nods to the cake...and it makes the entire “bat family” feel bad that they made this little joke. 

Bruce looks utterly panicked, and it’s kind of a feat, to see THE Bruce Wayne that worried about hurting a kid’s feelings ! You quickly wonder if he was a dotting father to Jason, when he was younger...Probably. 

Damian, who’s the only one who actually didn’t answer “yes” glares at all of his family members. How DARE they make that sweet child sad ? And sure, being sad because he has to eat cake and can’t open his present yet is kind of very childish and...Oh but he IS a kid right ? So allow him be bummed out ! And therefor, Damian glares some more. 

Tim and Cass are properly mortified that Viggo didn’t seem to understand their jokes. It makes Cassandra want to speak soothing words to him, forcing herself to get out every words she can muster, while Tim freezes, not sure what to do or what to say because now he’s afraid he’ll only make the situation worst...Dick quickly says : 

“Oh kiddo, we were totally joking ! Of course you can open your gift now, the cake can wait !”

Viggo’s smile comes back at once, and it turns into a mischievous grin as he says : 

“Got ya ! You should see your faces, hilarious !” 

And then he jumps off his chair to rush to his presents. You and Jason (who by now was used to your son’s antics) roll your eyes as you witness Bruce, Dick, Tim, Damian and Cassandra’s “shocked” face as the kid completely played them, making them think he was actually sad. Damn it. Smart one. They really thought this little boy was...oh, all of a sudden all of Jason’s stories about this little smartass made sense ! 

************

“...That’s fo-for me ?” 

Viggo asks, not quite sure he can believe his eyes as he holds a brand new PlayStation 4 in his hands, staring at it as if it’s the greatest thing he ever saw.

“Um, yes, yes it is. Jason said you didn’t have one...R-right ?”

It kind of totally adorable, to see Bruce Wayne stumbles on his word in front of your son, unsure if he did the right thing or not. 

It’s funny, as Jason looks at his father, he has a flashback at when he first arrived at Wayne’s Manor. Back then too, Bruce was quite stressed about doing the right things. Dick and Jason exchange a knowing look. Both of them “experienced” that shy side of Bruce...By the time Tim and Cass came in, Bruce kinda knew what he was suppose to do. 

But with Dick and Jason ? Oh he was so often confused. “Alfred, they can have ice cream for dinner, right ?” It was a lot of questions and not many answers. 

Jason looked fondly upon Viggo and his father interacting, and he was pretty sure he heard his heart slowly bursting when Viggo calmly settled his new PlayStation on a side, got on his feet, solemnly walked towards Bruce and asked politely :

“May I hug you ? Please ?” 

You were pretty sure you “awed” aloud too. Your son was such a sweet little man...You know that he wanted to rush to Bruce and hug the hell out of him, but since he didn’t know him very much and wasn’t too sure either of how to ask...It was just so cute, how he was being so serious while asking for a hug !

“Um...Yes. Yes of course.” 

And oh Bruce was in for a treat because when your son gave a hug ? He gave a hug. Your little boy says “thank you, sir” a bit formally and then...he lunges at Jason’s father with all his might, and circled his arms around the man’s neck tightly.

“Thank you so much for the PS4 I love it, oh my god thank you it’s too much I can’t accept it, thanks a lot for it ! I don’t think I can get it because it’s too much...but thank you !” 

Bruce answers to the hug by wrapping his own arms around your boy, and is even more confused than before as your son keep saying he can’t accept the gift, but that it’s also the best gift ever and he can’t wait to try it, while not being able to accept it...You chuckle and once again, you’re so proud to have raised such a cute little one, who understands the value of things. 

Of course, he’ll accept the PlayStation (you’ve never been able to afford one for him...), but you’re just so proud of him right now, for even thinking about refusing the gift because it’s a bit too much. You’re too happy he can finally have a console though. Of course, he wasn’t a poor little boy cause he didn’t have one, but it was nice, that for once, he could have the same things his classmates had. 

Viggo hugs Bruce for two long and cute minutes, and you can see the man slowly relaxing in your son’s arms. Too sweet for this world. When your boy finally let’s go, he smiles widely and then goes to hug his new PlayStation, repeating “I love it I love it” multiple times before he realizes it’s a bit rude to not open his other gifts...

He stands up and takes another one. 

“That’s from me !” 

Damian says with a smile, clearly eager to see the boy’s reaction. And when your son tears open the box...

“OH MY GOD !!” 

He yells, and then all you see is your little eight year old kid running around the living room screaming happily and...the hell did he just get ?

When your son finally calms down, and puts the box on the floor to then proceed on literally jumping on Damian, you finally see what’s the matter. 

“Cheese Viking VR”. A virtual helmet with the entire “Cheese Viking” game saga. It was suppose to be sold out, and new production for it was running slow, as the company didn’t expect to sell that many sets...It was probably a pain to find. No wonder, Damian looked so proud of himself ! 

Jason couldn’t believe his eyes, as he saw his bratty little brother hug Viggo back gladly, and smiling fondly at the kid. He knew they somewhat bonded when you meet them at the arcade room, but it was still a surprise. A pleasant one. 

Viggo finally calmed down a second time, and went to sit on the couch, saying :

“Ok guys, if you have any more of this kind of surprises, you need to tell me. Because I don’t think my heart can handle it right now...” your little one says, but it seems like Dick, Tim and Cassandra don’t think their gift will outmatch Bruce’s or Damian’s. 

But they’re wrong. They don’t outmatch it, no, but they make your boy as happy as the PlayStation and the Cheese Viking VR set. 

Tim gives him a “little chemist set”, and coincidentally, it was exactly the one that your son always wanted but that you could never afford...You had to tell Viggo to be patient, or he would have started experiencing there and there, forgetting the world around him. 

Dick gives him an electric skateboard with all the safety gears, and your son just couldn’t believe that this was just for him. He never saw that many toys and such in the same room ! All for him !! 

And when Cassandra gave him basically every single action figure in existence about his favorite TV show, you were pretty sure your kid was gonna faint right in the middle of the room. 

He gave away many hugs, and said the sentence “I can’t believe this is for me !” a hundred times. This was the first time in your life that you saw your son not having a smart come back ! It was quite something, really ! And oh it was so nice to see your son’s personality making everyone around him beam ! 

When you saw everyone together, gathered in that tiny living room, you wouldn’t believe that just a few hours ago you were all almost perfect stranger ! That this was your first meeting ! 

In fact, it felt like you’d been a family since the beginning of time. That Viggo was yours and Jason’s son, and that you were having his uncles and aunt, and his grandfather, over for his birthday...It really REALLY felt like it. 

It kinda freaked you out, when you realized this, but also made you incredibly happy. Because your boy ? He deserved to have great uncles and aunt, and a grandfather like the goddamn Bruce Wayne ! And most of all...a dad like Jason, who had absolutely no intention to ever leave (he made that clear on your first date). 

But for now, you shook those pleasant thoughts away, a bit afraid you were getting too carried away, and turned to Jason and your boy as it was your boyfriend’s turn to give him a present. Finally. 

“Um, seeing what everyone got you, I’m not sure my present will be that great...”

He says shyly, and you know it was a big deal when none of his siblings teased him about it. The wasn't as big as what his sibling’s or dad got for him, but you were pretty sure it made Viggo almost cry. 

It was just a simple notebook. At first, Viggo was very confused about it...until he opened it. And discovered that inside, all the pages were covered with “personalized gift cards” Jason drew himself.  

It almost made YOU cry too. It was so sweet, and personal, and Jason clearly put a lot of work into it ! It was full of little actives Viggo could do with “The Jason”. Some were simple, like just “a game of catch” or “an afternoon playing Cheese Viking”, while some others were rather big like : “going to see a Baseball match of your fav team at Gotham’s Stadium” or “A week-end in Disneyworld” ! 

Your son gave Jason the biggest hug he ever gave, and refused to let go for quite a while. And when he finally took a few steps from Jay, Viggo whispered :

“Thanks, dad.”

Which made Jason freeze. He was pretty sure he was the only one that heard Viggo used this word, and that the boy himself didn’t even realize what he had just say. What he had just done to Jason’s heart. 

Jason hadn’t felt this happy since before his death. Of course, you and Viggo made him extremely happy those past few months but right now, as the kid called him “dad” in the most natural way in the World...Jason’s heart just couldn’t stop beating. He felt the same way than that day Bruce told him he was going to adopt him. 

But his happiness was cut short by a dark thought slowly casting its shadow in his mind...

Jess.

************

Laying next to you in the bed he found himself sharing with you more often than not now, Jason couldn’t sleep.  

Probably because you went through a lot of emotions today, you were completely out and were lightly snoring next to him, unaware of his inner turmoil. Unaware that he was overthinking everything. Clinging to his arm sweetly. 

Jess’ arrival today, he realized now, touched him more than he initially thought. 

He didn’t want this jerk to slowly crawl in his thoughts, but he couldn’t help it. 

It was all because Viggo called him “dad”, and made him realize that...He wanted to be that kid’s dad. But he couldn’t really, could he ? Because he actually already had a father, and this father came back today, and was finally willing to come into his kid’s life.

Jason couldn't stop thinking about one thing...What if...What if his own father repented ? What if his own father decided to come back in his life, and start anew ? What if his own father didn’t get into the wrong criminal businesses and got killed, and came to Wayne Manor to ask for his son back ? 

Jason was pretty sure he would have forgiven him, because it was his dad. Sure Viggo’s and his situation were different. Jason did live with his father for a while when he was a kid, and with his mother, before leaving for Wayne Manor because they got killed. 

And both his parents were abusive and mistreated him...But still. If Viggo had the chance to have his dad back in his life, shouldn’t he take it ? No matter how much Jess screwed up ? Didn’t he deserve a second chance ? 

Jason couldn’t stop but think about “what if” his own parents got cleaned and came back for him. What if his own parents actually wanted him, and begged him to come back...What would Jason have done ? 

What would he have become ? Would his life get so fucked up ? 

Probably not. He wasn’t mad at Bruce anymore, and he knew that his adopted father loved him deeply...but if eight years old Jason had the choice to have a normal life, with normal parents, and to avoid this world of pain that he had to go through...Wouldn’t it have been fairer to take this chance ? 

If his parents came for him, if they did everything to get better and go on the path of redemption...Jason was pretty sure that he would have gone back to them, and it was a fact that then, he would never have died. He would never have been so angry. He would...

Ugh. It was so complicated. On one hand Jason viewed Bruce as his father, and only him, because he was the only one who ever acted as a father towards him. But what if his own father came back ? Wouldn’t have it been better for him ? 

Jason couldn’t sleep. He kept thinking over and over again about how genuine Jess looked. And how hurt Viggo looked when he threw that gift out of the window. 

Jay was pretty sure he was the only one who noticed it, but for a micro-second, Viggo looked like he was about to cry. Looked like he regretted throwing the gift away. And during his birthday, when he thought no one was looking, the boy kept looking back at the entrance door with a thoughtful look. 

“What if my own parents came back to get me and take care of me ? Would I forgive the years of abuse and would it be best for me to leave  with them to avoid the world of pain Bruce’s life brought me ?”

Sure, Jason willingly jumped into Bruce’s night life. Because for the first time in his life, he found someone that actually cared about him ! He wanted to make him proud ! Plus it was fun...but we all know how that ended. 

He kept thinking over and over again. He knew for a fact that Viggo could NOT come into his vigilante’s world. Ever. But then again, Jason knew he would never stop fighting crime. 

Maybe Viggo and you were better off without him, and instead would have a better chance at a normal life with...Jess ?

It hurt like hell, to realize that maybe that was it. That maybe it was better for both you and your son to stay away from him. 

It’s funny. So far, he had been kind of lying to himself, always thinking that he’d talk about this all Red Hood ordeal one day, in the future. Always saying he’ll tell you all about it “one day”. But never doing so because he knows that as soon as he says the truth, things will forever change. 

You and Viggo will be in danger all your life, just for being associated with him and...goddamnit what was he even thinking ?! That he could just have a family with you ? Be a dad to Viggo ? After only six months of relationship ?! 

He clearly didn’t think any of this through. He wanted, to be that kid’s dad. For the first time in his life he knew he was in love, he knew he wanted to spend his life with you...Six months or six years wouldn’t make any difference, he just knew his feeling would never change. He knew he didn’t want to touch anyone else but you. Kiss anyone else but you. Make love to anyone else but you. 

He knew he didn’t want to give his heart to anyone else but you...You and Viggo. He didn’t want to say anyone else’s name the way he said yours. He didn’t...He knew he would never love again the way he loves you. 

But this wasn’t about only him now, was it ? He couldn’t be that selfish, and thrust you into his dark world like that. What would you say, if you knew how many people he killed ? If you knew he actually died himself, and came back to life ? If you knew...the him from the night ? 

So far, things were blissful. Things were peaceful. Things were beautiful. 

Whenever he came over to your place, it felt like you, him and Viggo were a little family. It felt good, and so easy. 

But...Oh god ! He couldn’t believe he allowed himself to be seen THAT MUCH in public with his BROTHERS that day at the arcade ! When it was just you and him, or you, him and Viggo, it was fine, because he became an expert in being able to hide the fact he was Jason Todd-Wayne, one of Bruce Wayne’s heir. 

But Damian and Tim ? Everyone knew who they were wherever they went. Especially Damian, who looked so much like Bruce and had such amazing feature like his eyes or darker skin !  

Apparently no one saw you all together that day, as no picture had been released but...what if ? Then you would have become the face of every single newspaper in Gotham. Worst, Viggo would have been plastered everywhere ! 

That alone would put your life and your son’s life on the line ! Being associated with such a powerful family was quite something...but then if it turned “Gotham Official” between you two, he would HAVE to talk about Red Hood and then the threat would be doubled...

Jesus. This was all so painful. Everything. This all realization. 

The fact that Jess was now back in the picture and was really Viggo’s rightful father. And this all Wayne/Red Hood thing...He...he couldn’t do that to you, he couldn’t be that selfish...could he ?

You moved closer to him in your sleep, and threw one of your leg over his waist. And it’s with a heavy and painful heart that Jason softly kissed the crown of your head. Tenderly showered your face with peppered kisses...And resolved himself to take a harsh decision. 

************

The next day, you woke up to an empty bed. 

Which was odd. Usually, even if he would he awake before you, Jason would always still be in bed with you...Weird. 

You stood up and went to the kitchen and...here he was. He was making breakfast for Viggo. Cute. But...when he looked at you, did you see a flash of pain going through his eyes ? Or did you just imagine it ? You weren't sure. 

But when you went to kiss him to say “hello”, his kiss back felt strangely distant. Very unlike him. Usually, he would be so into it, and smile widely afterward...

“Ok I made some breakfast for you too. I’m sorry I have to run, I have important business back at home, see you later ?” 

“Um, ok...” 

He leaves with a quick “See ya Viggo”. No kiss goodbye to you, as he always gave you. And no kiss on your son’s forehead either. 

Odd. You and Viggo exchange a knowing look...

************

You tried to remember everything you did with Jason in the past few days that could have changed his mood that much. 

Jesus (Y/N) think, THINK ! 

But you couldn’t recall doing anything to Jason that would justify his behavior...Why, all of a sudden, was he always too busy to see you ? Why would he refuse to go out in public ? Why was he coming over less and less ? 

He kept telling you that is was because there was a lot of work back at Wayne inc but, so far, he always managed to make time for you...or were you just being jealous and too selfish because he spend less time with you ? 

Yes, that was probably it. You were being a kid, this was defenitely nothing and he would eventually stop being so busy. 

************

Jess called you back a few days after Viggo’s birthday, and you told him to fuck off. But he kept calling and calling and calling...

“Maybe you should give him a chance, you know ?” 

Jason’s words surprise you, and you turn a confuse look to him : 

“I told you what he did to us, right ?”

“Yes, but I’m a strong believer in everyone deserving a second chance.” 

His words kept fighting in your head, over and over again...

************

And Jason kept being busier and busier. Having less and less time for you and Viggo. It got even worst when you finally accepted for Jess to come and see you (not Viggo yet) and talk. 

Viggo was at school, and you were talking with Jess in your kitchen when Jason came in...He immediately apologized and though you said Jess was about to leave, Jason still left. 

And oh you hated that judgemental look Jess gave you, as if he was saying : “wow, great boyfriend you got there” ! 

Because Jason was great. He really was ! He was the damn best. He was the perfect boyfriend. He cared for your son, and was always so affectionate towards you ! He always had great thoughts, and was just so sweet ! 

He was perfect ! 

But...you guessed perfection didn’t exist, as you felt you and him were slowly growing apart more and more. 

************

You still refused for Jess to see Viggo, and to be honest, Viggo had no intention to see his dad anyway ! 

Jason heard you guys talk about it, as he came by one night...And the way Viggo’s face brighten when he saw Jay, and how he rushed to hug him finally gave Jason a good idea of what he had to do. 

For yours and Viggo’s good. 

************

He had to. He just had to. 

IT didn’t mean it made anything easier, but he knew it was the only way. 

He had to leave you..both of you. 

He had laid the ground work for a few weeks now, coming to see you and Viggo less often, and being much less attentive and affectionate to you both. 

It particularly tore his heart apart, to see Viggo’s cute little smile fall every time he said “not now buddy” when Viggo asked to play with him ! 

The worst was that time he refused to give him a hug because he said he was “late for work” (a lie), and that other time he said “can’t right now” when Viggo, full of hope, brought his little notebook he got for his birthday and basically tore a random “gift card” from it, clearly not caring what it was, and only wanting to spend time with Jason. 

It really, really hurt, that he had to do that...But at the same time, it was the only way. Because if Viggo was getting to attached to Jason, then he would never want to get to know his real father, Jess. 

If Viggo decided that Jason was his father...then he would eventually get dragged into this dangerous vigilante’s life. And that...Jason couldn’t let it happen. He’d rather die, than putting this little boy’s life in jeopardy. Or yours. 

And though it hurt more than anything in the world, acting that distant and cold toward both you and Viggo, he knew he had to. 

He had to...lay the ground work...To make you guys hate him. 

Make you realize he wasn’t actually a great boyfriend. Purposefully doing things he would never do usually, but doing them just because he knew it annoyed you.

And yet, he couldn’t quite seem to achieve this goal to make you guys even dislike him. Even when he pushed away on purpose; or when he was a bit rude. 

The truth was, he was never able to completely push you two away, or completely be heartless with you. Because he loved both of you with all his heart. 

He was deeply in love with you. And Viggo ? Oh Viggo, he found himself thinking of him as his “son” so many times ! 

But this was dangerous ! You both could never have a real life, if he kept going ! And Jess really seemed to want to get back in your life, and participate in Viggo’s upbringing. And even if he screwed up..maybe he had the right to have a second chance and get to know his own son ? 

Yes. Jason had to do it now. And quick. Rip the band-aid...

*********** 

“Jason, what are you saying ?” 

Your pained look almost convince him to backtrack. To not go forward with it. To tell you it’s just a silly joke and to kiss you with all his might. 

Oh and the look Viggo gives him, sat at the kitchen table, a bowl of cereal in front of him ? It tears him apart. It makes him wish he was still dead. Those innocent eyes slowly realizing that something bad is happening. 

But he can’t go back now. He has to go through with it. For your own good. To both of you...so what if you hate him ? 

“It’s just too much for me, ok ? Too much at the same time, all this.” 

He gestures at you and Viggo, and once again, he has to fight against himself not to go to both of you and give you a hug, apologizing profusely for what he just said and insinuated. 

But he knows...he knows that by using the exact same word Jess used in his letter all those years ago, he’d really break this bond you formed with him. 

“Too much ?” 

You ask, obviously trying to fight tears as you were understanding what the problem was more and more every seconds. 

This was what you feared since you started to date him. What you were terrified of as you realized you were completely in love with him, and that Viggo was getting very attached to (you were pretty sure he almost called him “dad” a few times by now). 

This was your worst nightmare. All over again...The man you love leaving you because a family is too much for him. 

“Yes. You and Viggo. And Jess now too..” 

“What about Jess ?” 

“Well it’s a bit too much ya know ? He’s part of your lives again and...”

“He is not part of our lives. Plus you’re the one that told me to give him another chance !” 

“Yes exactly ! And you did ! Now he’s part of your life wether you want it or not, and he wants to know Viggo so...”

“I don’t want to get to know him Jason, I don’t want to !” 

For the third time, he almost cracks. The tone his little boy just used...”his”. No. No he wasn’t his. He was Jess’s. And it was going to be better for him if the bond between him and Jason was cut. 

“Well you do whatever you want buddy, but ultimately he’s your dad and he wants to know you ! You know, I wish my dad came back for me when Bruce adopted me ! I really do !” 

This was a lie. With all his thinking, Jason came to the conclusion that he would never want another father than Bruce Wayne. No matter how easier his life would have been...But this was his choice, and he already came from a fucked up family and was a delinquent. While Viggo ? Viggo had a bright future ahead of him. 

He was cute and intelligent. He couldn’t come into the vigilante’s world... 

“Where are you getting at with all this, Jason ?” 

You already knew, of course. But you wanted him to say it. You wanted him to spell it out. To face you and tell you. 

“I’m getting at...I mean...I think...I think we should break up.” 

It’s as if someone just threw a bucket of freezing cold water over your head. And without realizing it...You fall on the nearest chair (Jason has to resist like hell for not suddenly running to you and see if you’re ok) and start to cry. 

You don’t even hear what Jason says next, but you know it’s all bullshit. Whatever he says. You know. He’s just trying to be nice and ease the break up, but if you’re being honest, you realized a while ago that he would leave. Because he became suddenly so cold...after Jess’s arrival, really. 

A few weeks ago. 

Since that day Jason became more and more distant. It was weird. It was so different from those past six months ! And you just couldn’t understand why the sudden change of heart...did he think you were going to leave with Jess ? Because he was your first love ? 

But you realized you had never loved anyone before Jason... 

Why was he suddenly...like this ? Didn’t he see you had no intention of ever going back to Jess ? And sure maybe you’ll let him see Viggo because after all yes, maybe he deserves a second chance at that “father’ thing but...couldn’t Jason see that your kid already decided who his real dad truly was ? 

You don’t even realize your son came to you until he presses his small smooth hands on your cheek, and wipe away your tears. 

“I think you should leave.” 

You hear Viggo say to Jason. And you wish you could say something but...you knew it. You knew since day one that if Jason Todd broke your heart, you would be a total mess. Worst than ever. And you really were. 

Damn. You felt so pathetic, moping on your kitchen table while your eight years old son tried to cheer you up. Took care of you. 

“Viggo I...” 

Jason was about to say that he still wanted to see the kid. Still wanted to be friend. He just couldn’t cut all ties, it was impossible...he knew it was a bad idea, but he just couldn’t let you two go. IN fact, he was slowly starting to regret his decision. 

But Viggo, looking up at him with eyes full of unshed tears, and clearly furious, made everything easier for him : 

“I said you should leave. You’ve done enough, don’t you think ?” 

He points at you, who seemed to not even be aware of what is happening around you right now. And oh geez you feel like such an idiot for ever even believing in all this...For believing that a perfect man like Jason could be with you, and help you raise your son the last of the way. For believing that you had another chance at love and at having a normal family. 

“And please don’t come back. Thank you.” 

This is it. This is the day Jason Todd dies a second time. 

He can feel it in his heart. He’s not alive anymore. 

He wants to reach for you, he wants to reach for Viggo...But he doesn’t. Instead, he takes his duffel bag that he prepared the night before, and leaves. Without even turning back once. 

And it’s good that he didn’t, because if he did, his resolve would have shattered. He would have thrown himself on the floor and beg for yours and your son’s forgiveness, say that he wasn’t thinking straight...or tell you the truth ! The all truth ! Why he was leaving right now ! 

Because it’s better for both of you...It’s to save your life...

Oh but if he had turned to look one last time at you, he would have realized he wasn’t saving anything. On the contrary. As you softly cried uncontrollably, not able to get a hold of yourself while you were known to never wallow in self-pity...You always got back up on your feet. Always moved forward. 

For your son. But today...today, even as you see that your tears are really distressing him, you can’t stop crying. Because you feel it in your heart, in your bones...you just lost the love of your life. 

And Viggo ? Viggo, for the first time in his short eight years on this earth, he realizes how painful it is, to not have a dad. 

____________________________________________

Hope you liked this ! It is currently 7 am and I stayed up ALL night to finish this...(while watching the oscars so I got distracted, but said oscars were over two hours ago so...yeah). I hope it’s not too...bad. I must admit, I’m VERY scared to disappoint you...In the end, I’m glad I stayed up so late (or early, depends on the point of view), cause I’m gonna now go hide in my bed.

So. Yeah. Blahblahblah the usual about feedbacks = life, as well as reblogs. 

#Jason Todd x Reader #Jason Todd imagine #Red hood x reader #Red hood imagine #Jason Todd #Batfam #Batfamily #Batfam x Reader #Jaybird deserves love #Jason Todd fanfic #Jason Todd reader insert #Red Hood fanfic #Red Hood reader insert #Batfam imagine #JASON TODD IS GREAT OK ?! #Batfamily imagine #angst #angsty fanfic

[sealers100]

PART 2: A (brief) review of every Donald Sutherland movie (so far)

Wowee welcome back. Yes I’m still on this shit and I intend to finish it because this is probably the most fun I’ve had in quarantine apart from working night shift at a waffle house. (I wish I was kidding) I will admit this one might not be as long as the last post but I promised to deliver so here we go for part two.

Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors

I had way too much fun with this movie! The story was unique and entertaining with a creepy twist without being so scary I can’t sleep at night. It’s got not only Donald, but also Sir Christopher Lee AND Peter Cushing! Like you can’t get any more badass than that. The acting is pretty great and the music goes hard (there’s a whole segment about a musician and I’m nerding out). Donald is maybe 29 or 30 years old and its one of his earliest (his 4th) film credit and oh goodness his segment is just too much. This is definitely a must see for any Hammer Film fanatics or Sutherland fans, You’ll love it!

The Dirty Dozen

Talk about a throwback to my childhood. Again an old army movie I remember watching with my parents (however watching it again I probably shouldn’t have). The movie itself its great if your into things like Tora Tora Tora! and Kelly’s Heroes. Not a whole lot of Donald in it but what we do get it so worth it. For a “serious and professional” actor, he plays silly and weird soooooo well. I will admit this one isn't nearly as lighthearted as Donald’s scenes might make it seem. It’s an actual war movie with heavy emotions and lots of violence and is quite sad at the end (no spoilers don’t worry). It might not be one to make you cry but you can’t help feeling bad for his character. Personally I loved it but its a classic in my household so I’m a bit biased. 

Start The Revolution Without Me

I quite literally choked on my coffee watching this one. Gene Wilder and Donald made a surprisingly hilarious pair and it worked so well!!! I already can’t get enough of Gene so of course this one is probably one of my all time favorite movies across the board. Basically its a switched at birth situation and takes place during the french revolution. I won’t give away too much but if you liked anything by Mel Brooks you’ll love this one. I really can’t say much without spoiling the funny bits but if you’re having a bad day, do what I did and curl up in your onesie with a bag of popcorn and let the laughter ensue.

Act of the Heart

(tw: self harm/suicide mention) Let me start out by telling you how hard it was fro me to find this damn movie and how ecstatic I was when I finally got to sit down and watch it. For anyone who doesn’t know me, my background is in vocal performance and I did a lot of work with the episcopal church in college as a soloist for churches, weddings, events and stuff so getting to see Donald as a CONCERT DIRECTOR just made my little heart explode. I was constantly geeking out at the musical parts and even got a bit of concert anxiety for the main character, Martha Hayes. She falls in love with him but of course he’s a priest (again) but this time he actually leaves the ministry for her. The movie itself is good (and the music gets my seal of approval as well) but there’s a quite a bit of triggering stuff so this one might be a bit difficult to watch for some. I will say some of these movies are quite hard to find and I had to scour the interwebs for them so if anyone wants a watch for anything on either of these lists, don’t be afraid to message me.

Little Murders

Okay so this one will be quite short because Donald is in it for a whole 10 minutes but he should have gotten a fucking oscar for it because I have never been so amazed and shocked by one of his roles as I was with this one. The movie is great if you’re into Elliot Gould (and his hair omg). But jesus Donald stole the ENTIRE MOVIE for that one brief scene. You can find clips of it on youtube just go watch it. Hell I’ll probably post it on my blog later. It’s honestly the best thing ever, and I want it played at my wedding. 

Steelyard Blues

What is it with directors and casting Jane Fonda as a prostitute? I’ll never know but Donald probably had a hand in that decision because he’s the executive producer. The movie is not great by any means but its definitely not boring. Again something about him being silly and dumb he just does so well and its so jarring in this one how silly he can get. I quite enjoyed it actually and its a real change of pace for him because while I like his character, I don’t have a whole lot of sympathy for him like I did for character’s like Casanova. I mean really he doesn’t hold back in portraying Jesse Veldini as an absolute fucking moron but I think we’re supposed to laugh at his misfortunes because they genuinely are funny (I think I just like watching him suffer) And it’s really entertaining. Again, I think Donald could have easily had a career as comedic actor but it’s nice to see how easily he can switch moods.

S*P*Y*S*

Another Donald and Elliot movie and this one is pretty hilarious too. (I’m loving these funny feel good movies) The two of them are CIA spies who aren’t stupid but definitely got the short stick in their agreement with the Russians. The plot makes sense but the way it’s gone about doesn’t really click. The Dynamic between him and Elliot is always fantastic and fun to watch so it makes up for the lack of sense this movie makes. Sorry this one couldn’t be longer but there would be much to say without writing a synopsis and I’m too tired to do that for any of these.

Day of the Locust

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! I mean jesus christ this movie was a horror show. The film itself is fine, its a great movie, but oH mY GoD!!!! Let me start by saying I didn’t watch the final scene with him in this movie because its fucking brutal and I just knew it wasn’t gonna be the kind of thing I’d needed to see. (Or anyone) Yeah I’d issue a few trigger warnings for this movie. OKAY so Donald’s character is named Homer Simpson (I’m not kidding) and my god I thought I had low self esteem, he’s literally the saddest most miserable and lonely character I think I’ve ever seen him play and he gets used by Faye Greener (Karen Black) who can go sit on a cactus for all I care, I hate that she’s the main character and the way she treats Donald is HORRIBLE AND I HATE IT. God this movie messed me up for a straight week afterward and I’m still not over it. He cries a lot in this one and just stooooooop please I can’t take it I know his character isn't accurate to the book its based on but it just makes me feel bad for him seeing Donald’s character slowly being destroyed by the toxic people around him icanttakeitanymoremovingon.

The Eagle Has Landed

I don’t know the first thing about the animosity between the Irish and the English all I know is that they don’t get along sometimes and Donald’s character this time is I think a NAzi SymPathizer?? I could be wrong but he does help them try to kidnap Winston Churchill (weird). There’s a strangely deep romance between him an a 19 year old girl (uh?) but it doesn’t really come to fruition. Overall it’s a hell of a spy movie and with fantastic performances from Robert Duvall (no I wasn’t able to recognize him) and Michael Caine. It’s a fun movie and Donald’s accent is of course, awful (just the way I like it) and steals the show yet again. 

The Disappearance 

Interesting fact, Celandine (the main character’s wife) is actually played by Donald’s real life wife, Francine Racette. So it makes for quite an interesting dynamic between the two characters that feels very realistic. This is a hitman movie that takes place in I think Montreal (hard to imagine a lot of Canadian hitmen) And has a surreal feeling about it through the whole movie. Again this was a difficult one to find at first and there is actually two version. One being 80 minutes and the other being 100min. I’m not sure why it was split like this but I’ve seen both versions and they aren’t missing anything they’re just structured differently. It does feel a bit weird watching love scenes knowing that she is is actual wife but it does feel very realistic. Overall the movie is pretty good if you want to see lots of him and his wife. Don’t worry I’m sure their relationship is a lot better than what’s portrayed in the film! 

National Lampoon’s Animal House

If you don’t know the story of Donald and this film, here it is. He was originally offered 2% of the films earnings to be in it. Thinking it would be a flop, he refused and asked for his usual flat rate of 45,000. The film was a his and his 2% could have easily been upward of 1.2 million, and this was back in 1978. He later quoted this as one of his biggest regrets of his career. Overall his scenes are quite short but oh so funny. (This list is either very serious or very funny) I like to imagine he put a lot of himself into this role. I definitely had some professors like him in college.

Threshold

Come to think of it, I watched this one so long ago I think I forgot to put it on the last list I did. I was really surprised by how genuine this movie felt. Like everyone really put a lot into this movie but it didn’t get nearly the recognition it deserved. Its a medical drama so that probably why, but it’s got an adorably young Jeff Goldblum and I can’t help but love him and Donald in every scene they’re in together. They play off each other pretty well most of the time and I didn’t really see anything wrong with this film other than it might have been on the lower end of filming budgets but it wasn’t a bad movie. It deserved better.

Ordeal by Innocence

I wish I could say the same for this movie. On it’s own its an alright film. On it’s own the soundtrack is fine too. But when the put the two together It was jarring as hell. The acting and story were okay and could have been fine alone but the soundtrack really broke any chance this film had of being taken seriously. I would have loved to seen it just on it’s own. Donald’s character is for once a genuine kind of ass that I really don’t like but it’s Agatha Christie, all her characters are assholes. This film really had potential but it shot itself point blank in the foot with the music.

A Time to Kill

Jumping forward to the 90′s, this movie is a classic based on a John Grisham novel and wow did I get invested! Donald isn’t in the film a whole lot but he does feel like an integral part of the plot and I really enjoyed him and Matthew Mcconaughey on screen together. Along with Samuel L. Jackson and Sandra Bullock. This movie is just fantastic and I normally don't like court dramas. Now what’s also interesting that not only is Donald in this one but so is Keifer. Sadly these two don’t share any scenes together and I don’t think they really got to work on set together except maybe once. Also Keifer’s character is a horrible racist. If anyone gets in your face about confederate flags being “heritage, not hate” show them this movie, Kiefer will take care of that one..

Space Cowboys

And last but not least, possibly my favorite one on this list. Everyone in this movie has the best film dynamic!! It’s funny, it’s endearing, and even kinda sad at times. The whole film feels genuine between all the lead characters, especially with them al being easily over the age of 65. As for Donald, He’s a smooth talking, dirty old man who hits on anything that moves but I’m sorry it just cracks me up. I don’t think this one should be taken too seriously but I just can’t help but fall in love with this movie. Cowboys, Space, Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones mean-mugging while Donald laughs and chases after women just makes my day. 

Okay this one might have been a good bit longer than the last one so the reviews had to be a bit shorter this time. I would do some research for a lot fo the more serious film on these two lists just because I don’t have the time to issue trigger warnings for every film. I may put out a part three, at least I’m going to try to but I’m working 12 hour days lately so I don’t have as much time to watch stuff as I used to but I’m sure some of your guys do. If you’re having trouble finding a film don’t be afraid to let me know and I’ll do my best to hook you up with some *quality* content. I know I’m having a hell of a hard time finding his older credits and the movie Blood Relatives (at least a version in english) Let me know what you guys think, if you agree or disagree with my opinions. Have fun watching!

#Donald Sutherland #still not tagging every movie #I may end up with a dedicated side blog one day who knows #movies #film

[tessatechaitea]

Justice Society of America #3

In this issue: old guys versus monkey monsters! I don't know how this issue didn't win a Harvey.

This comic book might have won a Harvey. What am I? Wikipedia? An adult capable of doing research? No, I'm a lazy, cynical, piece of shit who purports to be a comic book critic but who really just uses the medium as a confessional. And most of my confessions are lies to make me sound cooler than I really am! Which is still pretty cool, actually. This issue begins with an old guy stowing away on an Ultragen train car while suffering from sever cramps or possibly even a heart attack.

Is this a super hero comic book or an Alfred Hitchcock movie?

Now that I'm an older man (not old! Just older!), I don't fetishize old men like I did when I was five. But I'm guessing, at 21, I still had a bit of that zest for old man content. What else could drive me to purchase ten issues of this comic book about old men whose glory days are long past but they keep trying to relive them as their wives sit at home rolling their eyes? The stranger stumbles into Doctor Mid-Nite's offices. I guess he's named that because his medical practice stays open all night? The man has something wrong with his stomach. Judging by the strange colored splotches all over his clothing, I'd say he ate too much chili. Or he's bleeding out from a gut shot. Both are probably pretty painful but I can only speak for one. You'd be surprised which one. No you wouldn't. I was just trying to sound cool again. The mystery man from the end of the last issue was Johnny Quick and, judging by how much I'm now yawning and how my head keeps nodding forward, I'd like to apologize for claiming that revealing his identity would have been more exciting and sold more of the third issue. Len was right to conceal his identity. While the Justice Society were keeping Ragnarok from happening, Johnny Quick got a gig endorsing nutritional supplements on late night television infomercials. He was laughed at by scientists when he tried to figure out why his nonsense formula made him so fast. They were all, "You know that's idiotic, right? We can do actual science tests to find out why you're fast. It's probably the Meta(l)gene, you know?" But Johnny didn't want to hear their scientific mumbo-jumbo (which might make him an ignorant jerk in our world but he lives in the comic book world where science can't explain everything and I sometimes why it even bothers to try to explain anything. I mean, X-ray vision? The power of flight? Helmets that grant magic powers by possessing the wearer with an ancient Great Old One of Order? Batman visiting heaven and Constantine visiting Hell? It's like an Anti-Vaxxer's dream reality come true). Instead, Johnny decided to visit a bunch of religious kooks who deal in utter nonsense every day. Unlike the scientists who needed proof and evidence of how his power worked, they were happy to say things like, "Oh, yeah! Your formula is a magic mantra that focuses your chi!" and "It's a message from God to grant you magic speed powers for being such a morally upstanding human being!" and "What exactly do you want to hear and how much will you pay me to hear it?" So after realizing that his super power came from believing in himself, Johnny Quick decided to tell everybody else to believe in themselves too! Did he invent The Secret? Because, as a narcissist, I understand why The Secret is so compelling! Doesn't everybody want to believe that they themselves are the reason all the best things happen to them and also want to believe that everybody who is poor or sick or devastated by random tragedy did it to themselves like big dumb suckers who just weren't strong enough to believe in themselves?! Obviously the only reason I didn't fall out of a tree and die when I was twelve years old was because I believed so strongly in myself and not because I was just another lucky asshole who somehow survived childhood. That's enough about Johnny Quick for the entire ten issues of this comic book that I own. I'm never fucking mentioning that jerk again. I don't care if he becomes super important to the plot! I'm erasing him from history right now! Although I'll probably still discuss Jesse Quick when she turns back up because she's hot. Oh what the hell. One last parting shot at Johnny!

Maybe if you spent less time trying to find the secret to your nonsense formula and more time trying to find Libby's clitoris, you'd still be together! By the look on Ted's face, I bet he could have helped!

Doctor Mid-Nite arrives to let everybody know that their favorite jazz musician died in his arms last night because he was too blind to save him. Probably. But what he discovered was that the man, Reggie, had signed up to become a test subject for Ultragen! He was locked away with a bunch of half-man, half-animal creatures as Ultragen searched for a drug that could make people youthful again. Apparently what the writer is saying is that corporations are the new Nazis. Maybe that's why I bought ten issues of this comic book! Because I was all, "Yeah! This analogy is so apt! Fucking corporations think they can get away with whatever they want! Where's my current girlfriend so I can mansplain this shit to her?!" I don't want to get too cynical here but what else am I supposed to do when a comic book asks me to just buy into this whole Doctor Mid-nite thing. So he goes blind when a grenade goes off in his face. But he discovers he can still see in the dark because, you know, fuck you and comic books and all that shit. We've already established that science doesn't live here. But I don't have a problem with that! Okay, great! So he can see in the dark but not in the light. His reaction to this is, "I should use this new power to fight crime! I just have to wait until a bank robbery happens in the middle of the night with a new moon perpetrated by a bunch of robbers who forgot their flashlights and whiz bang! I'll have the advantage!" I know, I know! He invents dark glasses so he can see while pretending to be blind. I guess that helps him catch muggers who prey on blind people. And then he created smoke bombs which are conceivably his best idea, creating pockets of dark where he would have the advantage against the criminals. But it's not like his eye-sight based super powers gave him the ability to fight well or gave him invulnerability in case of a lucky shot in the dark or allowed him to protect other people at the scene of the crime from stray bullets fired wildly out of the area of effect of his smoke bomb! Doctor Mid-Nite's whole deal is so implausible that it breaks even my capacity for disbelief while reading super hero comic books. It simply makes me think, "This guy sounds like a bad idea from a desperate writer looking for another big super hero hit." Which is what it was! Which is why it breaks the entire comic book! I'd be okay if it simply made me think, "This guy's an idiot with a dumb idea! It's going to get him killed! Ha ha! That'll probably be funny!" While Doctor Mid-Nite is conferring with the Justice Society about what to do with Ultragen, Ultragen is raiding the his free clinic. Luckily Johnny Thunder just happened to be stopping by, probably to get a check-up on his genie. He gets shot and his genie appears to help when a young girl comes up and is all, "Oh hey! I recognize that genie! It's a Badnesian Hex Bolt!" And the genie is all, "Yes, I am! Do you want me to inhabit you for awhile so I can get rid of this old guy (who isn't that old for some reason? Probably a reason that has to do with me living inside of him?)" I just feel like, with Jesse Quick appearing earlier, this series is headed toward creating a younger JSA so the older members can simply fall into the role of mentors. The Atom, Wildcat, and Doctor Mid-nite head off to investigate Ultragen's experimental laboratory and they make a discovery that causes me to literally kill myself because I was too stupid to call it.

This is Grunion Guy's assistant Pickle Boy. I think I'm supposed to make a naughty joke caption here? Like, um, "What is that guy's pee-pee doing inside that kangaroo?!"

Justice Society of America #3 Rating: Does anybody know how to get blood out of shag carpeting? Also, if a person's will is found written on used tissues (hopefully for his nose), is it legally binding because I don't want to inherit this blog and all of its debt.

#Justice Society of America #DC Comics #DC #Len Strazewski #Mike Parobeck #Mike Machlan

[popculturebuffet]

Analysis of X: Uncanny X-Men #159 “Night Screams!”

Happy Halloween! For our Halloween special, I take my first dive into Claremont’s classic X-Men Run proper, as Claremont’s future New Mutants partner Bill Sienkiewicz drops by just in time for the X-Men to battle Dracula for the soul of Storm! Get your stakes ready and join me after the cut.

Welcome everyone to my special Halloween Edition of Analysis of X. I love this holliday: Scary movies, adorable children in costume, more sugar than I probably need… it’s the best. And it’s on this sacred day I’ve decided to take a second look at one of my faviorite X-Men stories and see if it still holds up to me the second time around. I first heard about this story in the back of Wizard Magzine in this old beatup issue I got from my brother,  and was blown away by the descrption of an event we’ll get to towards the end. When I finally read the issue years later thanks to an issue of Classic X-Men, it exceded my expectations, and hence here I am to see if it still holds up. And since the few bits of exposition needed can just be done as we go, let’s sink our teeth into “Night Screams”

We open on the Uncanny, the powerful, the misunderstood, the brave X-Men!... barging into someone’s apartment and being confused by the occupant. Naturally both parties are confused: The young lady because it’s her damn apartment and suddenly a blue elf, a smelly hairy Canadian, a metallic Russian, an African goddess and a masked teenager come rushing into her place. The X-Men are confused because this apartment belongs to their friend Misty Knight. Those of you who watched Netflix’s excellent Luke Cage series probably remember her from that. In the comics she’s not far off from where she ended up by the end of the Netflix/MCU partnership: a private eye who used to be a cop and has a robot arm, in the comics provided by Tony Stark because back in the 70’s and 80’s tony would make some sorta gadget for anyone who pulled a dump truck of money up to his house. As I mentioned in Excalibur, Chris Claremont never really forgot any character he ever had anything to do with, and since she was a major supporting character during his run on iron fist along with her partner in asskicking Colieen Wing, who you may remember as the best part of Iron Fist’s own Netflix series, he had the two pop up in his X-Men run during a time when they thought the professor and jean were dead, because no one bothered to pick up a fucking phone. As such Misty had apparently offered her place to the X-Men any time they were in the city proper… but herself didn’t pick up the damn phone and tell her in the past few months she got a roommate, so said roommate is understandably pissed off to find a bunch of strangers in her place.

As the above should make obvious, the young lady is Harmony Young, famous model and misty’s new roommate. At this time Mary Jo Duffy had taken over Luke Cage, at the time Power Man,’s book and, in an attempt to keep the book from being canceled, brought Iron Fist in as a second protagonist and made the book into a buddy picture with the two’s contrasting personalites and backgrounds playing off each other. Having read this run, it’s fantastic and well worth a read and is the backbone of later runs of Luke and Danny while creating one of the best friendships in all of Marvel.  As for how the hell this relates to this story, Harmony is a supporting character from that run and at the time, Luke’s Girlfriend and thus moved in with Misty when Misty needed a roommate.

With the confusion cleared up the X-Men try to smooth things over, minus Logan who, now knowing he dosen’t have a fight on his hands is going to get drunk because logan frankly has three states: boning, drinking and killin, and Kurt’s already swooping in there, and while you’d think hitting on Luke Cage’s girlfriend would be dumb, Luke is not above a three way. I mean why do you think danny sleeps at his and jess’s place every other Sunday? Storm being the leader she is offers to leave, but Harmony, seeing three handsome young men and likely having an open relationship with Luke, decides what the hell and lets the X-Men stay. Kitty scoffs at her and.. oh god I’m going to have to talk about the Colossus and Kitty thing aren’t I? Fuck me…. Yeah for those of you who weren’t aware, Kitty had a crush on Colossus.. a grown man at the very least 6 years older than her. They eventually DID enter a relationsip, that THANK CHRIST, wasn’t sexual till Jim Shooter, in one of the few times he actually made sense as Marvel’s Editor in Chief outright told Chris to cut it out and broke the couple up himself by having Pitor fall for someone else. And while that whole romance was forced and rushed, it both ended an annoying subplot and gave us a DAMN good issue of Uncanny I’ll get to some day. We soon find out WHY the X-Men are in town in the first place:

I do like the story progression so far: it feels organic and the opening of the X-Men barging in on an apartment is a nice hook and the following pages quickly explain the situation without feeling too clunky about it. But yeah Kitty’s Parents want to see her and while as Ororo notes she dosen’t have anything to wear, Harmony being a true friend to this person she just met offers up her vast wardrobe which Kitty herself quickly gets herself a piece of. The two get dressed and head off to meet the Prydes. We then get a short scene of Cyclops, whose on vacation visitng his brother Alex alongside his space pirate dad. As you can tell i’m not really going that much into it as it’s only one page of the isssue and has nothing to do with the rest of the plot other than informing us Professor Xavier’s in a coma, which tells me why he wasn’t with the rest of the team.  Back in NYC, Kurt is still flirting with Harmony when the team gets a call from Kitty... who wonders if Ororo got home okay. Kurt’s instantly put on alert because she’d told kitty she was heading straight back.. hours ago. And as we see bellow, she’s been attacked with two marks left on her neck... which can only mean one thing.. NEIL BREEN HAS KILLED AGAIN.. or you know vampires. 

Storm is rushed to the hospital and Logan and PItor soon get the call thanks to Storm’s wallet to come get her. While the doctor wants to keep her overnight Storm is.. oddly calm, finding the night realixing and getting the feeling something’s watching her, but shaking it off. The fact she’s not CONCERNED about that or seems chipper after having her throat torn open just screams red flag don’t’ it? Storm returns home to rest , shooing the rest of the X-Men away and well. if you were wondering when the hell this turned into a vampire story besides the whole neck bites thing... 

The scene is haunting and well done and Bill, since his last name is hard to spell and I’ve mangled enough names as is on this blog, does a fine job with it, portraying the horror of it as well as how entrhaled Ororo is well. IT’s this sort of moody atmospheric stuff that would serve him well when he became artist on New Mutants and thare’s damn good reason his run is where the book really starts to pick up steam. Kitty returns home.. and is greeted with the news Storm has turned ill. When kitty tries visting storm is afraid of the sunlight, has a mysterious scarf from an admierer with a large D on it, and flinches when Kitty’s star of david brushes up against her. Kitty, sensing the obvious heads off to do some errands. Later that night Ororo lets her her “lover” and the one behind all this...

Yup. I wasn’t lying or exaggerating in the teaser: The one behind all this is DRACULA. That Dracula, not some alien or some other vampire. The prince of Darkness himself has designs on Ororo. And if your wondering if this is just some one issue weirdness… NOPE. Around this time, Dracula had his own ongoing started in the 70’s, Tomb of Dracula and what I’ve read is excellent. As a result Dracula was a part of the Marvel Universe, had his own backstory and enimies, and fought the likes of Dr. Strange and Spider-Man and earlier this year was the center of a major plot in Jason Aaron’s Avengers run. But before he can turn her, help arrives..

IT’s kitty who got a nifty Van Helsing getup and a cross.. but in an intresting twist on the mythos the cross does nothing. But not for the by this point cliché reason of “we’re just not using that old chesnut”, no in the Marvel Universe one needs genuine faith for the religious symbols weakness to work… and as the star of david showed earlier, Kitty is Jewish .. but when Dracula tries to choke a bitch, it’s said star of David that saves her. Tragically, Storm is too brainwashed to run and leaves with Dracula, begging Kitty to forget her and leaving the poor child in tears as her surrogate older sister leaves with a monster, possibly forever and there’s nothing she can do to stop it. On a side note though nice entrance line. While it’s no “Begone monster you do not belong in this world!” it’s still pretty sweet. 

The rest of the team burst in and Kitty explains what’s going on: that while she didn’t know it was DRACULA till now, she was supscious but rightly suspected the others wouldn’t belive her and Logan dosen’t, trying to write off the scarf as Harmony or Misty’s.. but Kurt shoots it down, stating that Kitty is no child and her word means as much as Logan’s own, with his own time in Bavaria telling him to not take vampires lightly.. ESPECIALLY Dracula. Even if Logan still isn’t buying it, Kitty does point out that wether she’s right or not, Ororo is too injured to leave out in the wild, let alone with some strange man who may or may not be Dracula. Given this is a superhero comic, a fight naturally breaks out, with Dracula summoning his wolves, where’d he purchase those, to fight while Kurt tries fighting the big man himself.. and quickly gets his fuzzy blue ass handed to him. Colossus and WOlverine take the wolves out and prepare for the big man himself. 

As you can see Dracula is handing them their asses.. which is no surprise: not only are the X-Men two members short, and even if they weren’t Dracula would still be able to take them. It also helps ease him into this shared universe: the reason why he hasn’t been beaten for good with so many heroes out there is simple:  besides having the cover of being so famous that most wouldn’t belive he’s real, he’s also really damn powerful and only one vampire hunter after him has any sort of powers, that being Blade who was introduced in Tomb of Dracula. And while he’s a vampire, he dosen’t have Drac’s broken number of extra powers.

With it now being clear given he fuck slammed Colossus that Dracula is out of their league Kurt suggests a straight up fight won’t work and they need plan B.. and with that we get the best scene in the issue, the one that made me want to read it in the first place. 

Just as a recap, in a brilliant callback to a few pages ago, Wolverine tries, cleverly, to use his claws as a cross.. but as Dracula mocks him, it won’t work. Like Parappa the Rapper says you gotta belivie.. and unfortunately for Dracula, Kurt does in what is, to my suprise, the first time his religion comes up but it works well and adds a sizeable amount to his character. Sadly as fucking epic as this is, it only holds him off for a second and he soon sendds lightning after him because.. apparently he can do that now? I dunno.  While this goes on Kitty runs into the castle which Dracula has morphed into his own kinda castle, and while Kitty dosen’t find dracula she does find an almost turned storm and readies a stake, though Ororo points out it won’t do much good.. and we get another powerful scene as Kitty decides she’s right. 

While that goes on, the rest of the team presses on but have no more luck and soon Dracula has them beat and Storm arrives seemingly having slain kitty.. only to shed her Dracula outfit for her uniform and start kicking Dracula’s ass, kicking off an awesome fight between the two.

She ends up slamming him into a party where Drac, being a sore looser, tries to force her to submit.. but she stays her ground and he gets desperat holding a hostage to try and get her to submit

But as seen she will not and refuses to.. and Dracula admits defeat, realizing he was genuinely attracted to her and he’d have to snuff out what made her worthy of being his queen to do so. Granted he’s still a creepy mind rapist, but it’s still a nice character touch. He books it out of there, and being good at evading people as his solo would show, tells Ororo following would be a fools errand and givne how beaten down her team is , even with her back to give them the edge, he’s right. So for now he escapes, but the X-Men have one the night and Ororo is free and back to being just a mutant again and tearfully reunited with kitty at misty’s place.

With that touching scene done, our heroes runite with Harmony, with Misty and Coleen now present and celebrate their narrow victory. There’s also a quick stinger with Moira MacTaggert telling the X-Men xavier’s condition has gotten worse, but for the most part, it’s a happy ending as our heroes, however narrowly have won the day and I thankfully got this done before Halloween ended.

Final Thoughts: This issue is every bit as good the second time around, if not more so now I know who Harmony is and have read some of Dracula’s own title, though it’s not a necessity as none of the stuff from Tomb is important here, and Harmony is introduced well enough. This issue is a masterpiece, having atompsheric moody horror, the drawings well done and there’s so much I didn’t show that’s just awesome and Bill would only get better from here. The character work is also great as most of the X-Men get moments to shine. While wolverine is mostly there for his usaul schtick as is Colosus, how easily dracula manhandles them shows just how strong he is without feeling forced. But the real stars are Kurt, who gets one of his finest moments here and even after that fails still presses on anyway, Storm whose transformation is truly horrifying and whose ultimate victory is made all the sweeter and Kitty, whose at her best with: her youthful naivity matching well with her refusal to give up as she stares down both Dracula and her big sister in equal amounts. The issue is a must read for what’s left of this Halloween and every one after it and a great little done in one. Even with the btis of other storylines, it’s still easy to read and understand on it’s own and is one of the best one and done issues i’ve ever read and still holds it’s position in my eyes as one of the best X-Men stories period, taking what should be a rediculous premise and owning the hell out of it. A must read if i’ve ever read one. 

#uncanny x-men #x-men #storm #wolverine #colossus #kitty pryde #nightcrawler #dracula #tomb of dracula #marvel comics #harmony young #misty knight #vampires #horror #halloween.

[biarology]

Past’s Future but Today’s Past

Oops, I haven’t written for a while. The last post says “3 years” but I am pretty sure its closer to 4. Imagine all the crap in my head that wasn’t released. That explains a lot.

Before I start my travel blogs here’s a summary of the last 3-4 years:

·       June 2015 – Mental breakdown with the tip of the iceberg being a friendship breakup. Man that hurt, more than romantic relationships. I guess because you don’t expect them to end? I broke my hand. Punched a marble wall in an elevator (crying and alone). I would have been pretty upset if it didn’t break actually, because a marble wall is pretty hard. Embarrassingly, I still couldn’t, and probably can’t punch properly, with the fracture being in the 5th metacarpal. The rest of the iceberg included: over working, over investing emotional energy into work (but how can you not, you’re working with people)(I’m much better an learning not to now), my half-sister was going through a court case against her step father for fucked up shit.

·       July 2015 - went to Bali with my friend for like 2 days lol (with a cast around my arm), because that was booked ages ago. Road tripped down from Darwin to Brisbane with Mum. Long days, long drives, but loved watching the scenery change. Great photos but they’re on Instagram a million scrolls down now. Stayed with my brother and his ex and their dogs and cats for about a month. Mostly in bed.

·       August 2015 – moved back down to Gosford and half lived with my parents there, and sister in Sydney. Got a job. Moved to Sydney in about October although work was contract and started on very low hours (~4). So I lost my $17g in savings towards someone else’s mortgage because independence is important to me.

·       Throughout Sydney time:

-          I got to know sister and sister in law better, they looked after me insanely. And gave me a cat, Dot. Who I love. And miss.  And then my twin moved back and away again but that was the best. Got to work with parents better.  Rekindled friendships, strengthened friendships, and made new ones. There’s too many of them but they know who they are. they are amazing, and again I don’t know what I’d do without them. Visited Grandam more (so hard to leave). I contracted for a total of 5 companies. And learnt boundaries and “my worth.” One company I’m still working for because they’re amazing and the boss has somehow managed to instil all my own values into the culture of his company. I also life modelled a fair bit. Went to Thailand for 5 days and NZ for 5 days plus some other roadtrips around Aus. Brother was pretty scarily low but now he seems good.

-          Saw a psych for a year or 2. Had panic attacks. Exercise is awesome etc.

-          I have(had...still weird to say) a boyfriend. For a year. He was good. I learnt how to be vulnerable and trust romantically, I learnt more about my needs and boundaries (lots of boundary learning over the last few years – professional/personal). He also taught me how to cook better (well the idea of cooking better not sure if I have practised it that much), and he always tried/s to enjoy enjoyable things, which sometimes I’m not very good at because my mind is probably stressed about something else. We lived together for 6 months. He now has my cat. I’m so glad they have each other and I miss them. Everything has felt so surreal since I actually decided I need to leave. I needed to leave because travel has been on my to-do-list, and work visas have age limits and my age is limited, so Im actually pushing it. Plus, I was just not coping there. We had different goals (travel vs settle), and some different values.  I’d had my mind set on leaving after my sister’s wedding and though I tried to push it back, I couldn’t. And maybe that made me more focused on the negative? Anyway, needed to travel and that’s what I’m doing.

I think that’s most of the 3.5 years summarised. Hhhmmm 3.5 years in 519 words :/

Awww I had some points for the future in my long last post. And now it is the future. Cute.   To conclude I’ll just address comments in that post, sentence by sentence:

-          Still have lots of love

-          Don’t really like myself at the moment though tbh

-          I no longer try to beat box, I forgot that I was doing that

-          I stopped listening to podcasts while driving in July 2017 because I realised it was contributing to my stress and fatigue – as I was never resting, always on the go

-          Body composition even worse now, wish I had what it was then lolz

-          Face/acne – improved once I went on the pill, came back when I stopped repeat etc. Didn’t come back once I ceased/decreased gluten/dairy

-          So was single for 54 months, and felt the same most of that time – content alone, occasionally lonely. Single again now, apparently.

-          Anxiety and depression. Always there. Quit the degree though so no more assignments, though that stress enjoyed report writing

-          Oh man did depression and PMS symptoms improve with diet and exercise! So much! I get cramps and nipple tenderness PMS, IF my lifestyle is shit, when its not, I don’t know theyre coming (have to rely no app haha)

-          Past/regret – still don’t regret things, as I look at everything as teachings. Though I regret eating so much chocolate

-          Future! I have not done WA. I am in Asia right now!! But haven’t organised any volunteering yet. Also not sure when/where/what, I currently need a break from helping people ( a bit drained from Sydney work)(I need to fix that Boom/Bust pattern of work and crash…). Don’t know about hiking at the moment I’m pretty unfit. Haven’t learnt guitar. I think I looked into it and didn’t know where to start so gave up.  Gymnastics didn’t improve much but sister got me into more climbing! Drawing improved a little with life drawing groups.  Boy did I fix up those dreads (Jess and I combed them out). Still haven’t done Martial Arts but planning to do a Kung Fu/Meditation retreat in a few weeks in Thailand. I better book that. Tomorrow… Am reading more – its apart of my bed time routine 😊. Oh I still need to learn how to write properly!! Grammar and vocab etc.

[seesgood]

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY OF MY LOVES ARE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS? no? cool well ya’ll are about to find out .and BELIEVE ME when i tell you that you should follow the shit out of all of these guys. if you haven’t already. and if you haven’t, what are you doing you’re so missing out!!! 

@bloodmirrored ; @keeperofhumanity ; @1000liveslived ; @dissolvedshadows ; @wulfking ; @oddyssea ; @peaceific ; @grcdy ; @beaniesandmachetes ; @cordeliakomskaikru / @rainkilled ; @roaming-agent ; @motherbuilt ; @lead-pencilskirt ; @sterxid ; @scarredesmeralda

alright this time i got smart and am listing in alphabetical order so it’s easier for ya’ll to find your little love blurb: 

@1000liveslived --- so i know i was later than most people to hop onto the ‘holy shit jess is literally one of the most incredible humans’ bandwagon but i’m here. and i have my little conductors hat. and we gon fuck some shit up with love alright? but you know i love you. let’s talk about how much i love emma. emma is realistic. and dynamic. and she breaks your god damn heart as much as she makes it soar. emma, to me, feels like the kind of character that could exist in real life. she has flaws, she has strength, she has this lingering air of reality about her that not many people can bring to an oc. and tbh all of your ocs are like that and i love them all so much. they’re such unique characters and i love them more than anything.

@beaniesandmachetes --- ok so i know you’re technically not on jake as much anymore but tbh this is the blog where i first fell in love with everything about your blogs. for starters, your writing is to die for, writing with you has always been one of my favorite things. i love all the little details you put into jake and how you make him stand out among other ocs and other blogs that use jared as a fc. and while we’re at it, let’s talk about jared as a fc bc like honestly once in awhile an oc will come along where the fc is honestly just PERFECT and it makes the character and drives everything and tbh i can’t imagine jake with any other fc. jared is perfect. every last minute detail ( which i’m sure you’ve thought through bc you’re just that attuned to your characters and i love it ) is perfection. seriously i am deathly terrified of zombies but like your blog would make me try and watch twd again. which is a big thing, ok? bc i’m literally terrified of zombies.

@bloodmirrored --- icb i’m literally mentioning you on all of these ffs everyone’s gonna know i’m trash for you. but you have 800 blogs and i can’t tag them all so i’m just gonna tag this one especially and give @reapcriisms a shout out bc fuck man i love aleksei but ok anyway let’s talk about the sweetmeadows: bc i. love. them. so. freaking. much. you’ve made such a wonderful, organic, and believable contrast between the twins. where i don’t think they could exist in a verse where the other one doesn’t. as stand alone characters, they’re phenomenal, but when you put them together it’s like this magic just happens and you get to this whole other level of understanding and quality and overall perfection and i’ve told you before and i’ll tell you again that you honestly do develop some of the best ocs i’ve seen. like you have 800 of them.

@cordeliakomskaikru / @rainkilled --- le sigh. i’m mentioning both of them under one little paragraph bc i don’t wanna seem unfair but i feel like you should know by now that i could go on about your muses for 1800 days. seriously though. i’ve never met anyone who could have the kind of muse range that you do. like all of your muses, be them canon or oc, have different voices and mannerisms and none of them bleed together ( which tbh i feel like is super hard to do idk how you do this ) and i honestly forgot ( like legitimately ) that cordelia and peter weren’t “canon” like i got super confused when the trailer came out and i was like what an outrage where is cordelia i am going to riot oh shit wait she’s not technically in this show whatthefuck basically though, everytime i think i can’t love you more, you go and do something else that makes me love you more. just stop. my heart will explode. and i will die.

@dissolvedshadows --- throwback to those like 6 months where i did nothing but stalk your blog and constantly hover over the follow button and debate whether or not i should just go for it bc i was like ‘well shit if they don’t follow me back imma die’ BUT YOU DID AND HERE YOU ARE and skdjfsdkjlfh wow ok lets talk about caleb and ana. i am a sucker for characters who have two seemingly contrasting characteristics but somehow it works. like case in point, the thousand year old terrifying pretty much all powerful immortal demon who can’t figure out how to google things and ana the badass ‘could probably kill a man with boots and look fab doing it’ but who also i feel like just kinda needs someone to love her ( coughconnorcough ) and it takes someone with serious writing chops to pull that off, which --- hello, it’s you. it’s literally always gonna be you. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to accurately describe how much i adore you. but it’s a lot. a whole lot.

@grcdy --- !!!! JURASSIC WORLD OC !!!! like honestly i don’t know why the whole world doesn’t follow you for just that reason alone? which yes, would do you a total injustice bc you are so much more than just a jurassic world oc BUT YOU’RE A JURASSIC WORLD OC but ok, fangirling about your amazing oc making decisions aside, can we all please collectively appreciate bella? please? because girl is fuckin fantastic. like strong and smart and tough and incredible and badass and all around just a wonderful character that should have existed in the movie ( and now does, in my mind, thanks. ) and i just like, you guys. jurassic world. original character. plus great writing. plus and even better mun. plus just a great fucking character there are no drawbacks.

@keeperofhumanity --- i know you’re not as active on z anymore which tbh i think is a tragedy because of all of your characters ( which are all awesome ) z has always had such a soft spot in my heart. not only have you managed to make a character that is totally and completely badass without going over the top and in your face about it and making it hard to write with, but you’ve managed to weave in this incredibly soft and tender side of her. very few people can do that with the amount of finesse that you’ve managed to. and yes, no matter what blog you’re on you’re an incredible writer and an incredible human, but fucking hell ash you literally mined gold when it came to zandra. she’s incredible. like you.

@lead-pencilskirt --- emma aka the biggest sweetheart of an oc ever to be made aka the love of my life aka idk how you made her this amazing and how you yourself are this amazing but holy shit it’s like the holy grail of rp blogs. like writing with emma feels breezy. chemistry is natural, writing is fun, our threads are kinda just a nice break to be able to reply to. i love well developed ocs that feel like they could super easily just step out of the rp world and into the real world and we would never know the difference and emma i feel like fits that mold to a perfect t.

@motherbuilt --- and here we have another one of those oc’s where i have to literally remind myself that she’s not “canon” because she’s so canon it hurts. honestly i swear i don’t know how you do it or how you’ve made her this true to life and fit her in so well to the t100 universe but you’ve struck gold, okay? because lou feels like a part of that universe. she feels like she belongs with the other characters. and the whole idea of this scared kid who is gonna have a baby on the ground where they’re all probably gonna die? it’s freaking genius. plus lou herself is just all sorts of tough and badass and inspiring but also has this soft side and she’s so loyal and i love her to death. and i love all of our threads so freaking much.

@oddyssea --- okay but you literally took like one of my favorite tropes ( the bantery treasure hunting guy ) and made him better. and you gave him an accent. and you developed tf out of him to the point where i’ll be like psh nice try indiana jones but karter kane coulda done all that and looked better doing it ( which is hard to do, i mean we’re talking about young harrison ford here okay? ) but alright like, not only is karter an incredible oc but he’s one of those muses that i just love reading things for. i love all of your threads, even the ones that don’t even involve me in any way shape or form. you made an oc that���s fun to read and fun to write with and is just all around a great character. fuck man i could go on and on about how incredible he is and i probably will for the next billion years bc you’re stuck with me ( and care ) for at least that long 

@peaceific --- when i first followed you i honestly had to like refrain myself from getting giddy everytime you expressed an interest in writing with me. because you have been and always will be one of THOSE blogs. like the blogs that just radiate in the quality vibe. everything about noah and your blog and your writing and theme and everything is so perfectly matched and formatted and organized, i envy it. and even beyond that, noah is a fucking incredible character. like the most original idea for a character i’ve seen in my time here. i can’t get enough of writing with you. i can’t get enough of talking to you. i just wish i could constantly force you to bask in that kind of love day in and day out until you were like ‘damn ok i get it we’re loved’ 

@roaming-agent --- my girl. caroline’s girl. literally like i feel like you me and lissa need to make some kind of charlie’s angels verse with these three bc that’s totally the vibe i get from them. honestly though i just really love taylor. there’s something about her that’s really innocent and sweet despite the fact that i am fully aware that she is a not so secret badass at heart. she feels so real, and i love the development you’ve done with her and how you’ve expertly woven her into frank and joe’s lives and stories and it just brings new life and new levels and new angles to everything. plus, you’re literally one of the best people to talk to and write with like you’re such a freaking sweetheart idek how to deal with it.

@scarredesmeralda --- alright so we haven’t written yet and we’ve only been following one another for a little bit but already i know i’m gonna love you. because not only do you have a great fucking oc who you’ve managed to adapt to so many different verses ( which is no easy feat, i know ) but you are just like the nicest person ever. you’re like a mama lion protecting her cubs and i love that you’re so bold about what you believe in, i love talking to you, i cannot wait to write with you and explore different verses and muse chemistry and just see how things go. i give you all of the applause because you deserve it.

@sterxid --- ok but will i ever flail enough about how much i adore you and your blog? probably not. but we’re gonna keep trying until you get sick of hearing it. the first time i fell in love with your blog, i fell in love with one of your promos and honestly it was so gorgeous and simplistic and i just had to follow you because i needed more of that kind of quality on my dash. and you did not disappoint. not even for one second. every edit you make has this raw, simplistic, but gorgeous quality that is so aesthetically appealing and it’s all backed by this fantastically developed and written character. i swear lik everything about your blog is so downright gorgeous that i don’t even know how to properly express how much i love it except to flail over you constantly. so that’s what i’m gonna do.

@wulfking --- the god damn love of my life. i’ve told you a lot about how incredible alex is but now i’m just gonna tell you again bc you definitely don’t hear it enough: alex is incredible. you have put so much thought not only into the character you’re writing but into the world around him, his species, his family, his background, his mannerisms that he could ( and should ) be a real canon character somewhere. only i feel like even that would do him a disservice because he is so beyond the constraints of any canon anywhere. you write alex with a kind of adoration and love and skill that i could never hope to have and that a lot of us i think could never really hope to have. you’re just a natural born creative mind and a talented writer and you inspire me on the daily.

#rpc positivity week

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

Old glee spoof liveblogs

Yuè [glee spoof 4] so yeah i decided to watch all of simgm's glee stuff (glee spoof, glee minisodes, gleedo) and i am at spoof 4

Yuè Oh this one has no captions Yuè MICHAEL IS HERE!!!! Yuè "THE FUCKING AUDITORIUM FINN" Yuè I've been singing the Obsession with Finn song at the top of.mylungs today cause what a jam Yuè IT IS MY BOY BLAAAAAAAAINE Yuè there were a lot of guest stars Yuè GO EMMA Yuè TATER TOTS Yuè "Nice mugshot Mercedes"

Yuè [glee spoof 5] time for rachel's nose job

Yuè ah.. no captions Yuè "but we'll pretend that never happened cause we're good at doing that with storylines" Yuè YOOO WILLIAM IS HERE FOR SAM Yuè AND ALSO SCOTT (I think that was the name of the actor before Kyle) AS PUCK Yuè glee did Wannabe in an episode but it wasn't the same because Brother's riffs weren't in there Yuè "is that all you ever do?" TRUTH Yuè I love it when Hemo smiles in the background Yuè thanks Emma for slamming Will and his "teaching" Yuè "what in the fuckity fuck fuck was that shit??" Yuè nickname one: lemon drop Yuè I love this part Yuè "where did that piano come from?" Yuè SORRY SIMGM BUT CHECK PLEASE JUST GOT UPDATED I NEED T READ IT Yuè okay okay I am going to continue cause it hasn't blown up yet so I can't blog about omgcp yet Yuè I don't like Santana faking the sexual harassment claim tho Yuè ZOOMBA Yuè thanks simgm for pointing out the double standards between male and female characters Yuè "a sad attempt of giving me a storyline" Yuè damm Sister did great job on the performances Yuè "Nice choir Mercedes"

Yuè [glee spoof 6] WHERE'S MA CROWN? Yuè "isn't that what you did" "yeah but.. I'm Finn" Yuè "THAT'S WHY YOU BETTER ROLL" Yuè "I can't believe we're stupid enough to believe that" Yuè "wow... misjudged that one" Yuè thanks simgm for pointing out so many plot holes Yuè "you can't fight the power of Brittana" Yuè I FORGOT ABOUT JESSE FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS Yuè I can't believe Michael did Jesse and Kurt's voice Yuè *voices Yuè YES YES YES THE BLAINE SONG IS STILL MY JAM WHY ISN'T IT ON THEIR SPOTIFY? ?? Yuè "yeah if you're gonna fight at least hit each other" Yuè THIS S.MY FAVORITE PART OF ALL OF GLEE SPOOFS GO FOR IT KURT Yuè nickname two: sugary plumb pie Yuè THIS ENTIRE EPISODE IS WONDERFUL Yuè "ONE MORE TIME" Yuè "Nice poem Mercedes"

Yuè [glee spoof 7] This is over 30 minutes long that's what I call dedication

Yuè " half of the stuff that happens to us makes no damn sense" Yuè I still can't believe Boss built the entire New York set herself Yuè "I HAVE BIG PLANS" fuuuuck I should wear my I have big plans t-shirt Yuè well Quinn.. Cats is back on Broadway now aka Rachel was just 6 years early Yuè "it's no time for logic Kurt" Yuè SAVE THE HORSES Yuè "I regret nothing" I love the glee spoof Artie Yuè I just love the entire glee spoof Yuè "I HAVE BIG PLANS" Yuè I am just in constant amazement of the New York set Yuè I'm now wearing the Big Plans t-shirt just around the time Quinn goes crazy about her big plans Yuè Oh god after six years I finally get the "Bootay" thing Yuè "well this could've been a lo-" Yuè "shut the fuck up Finn" Yuè I remember Boss saying Michael worked really hard on the song Yuè Boss sounds so much like Lea it's unreal maybe Boss should be on Elsie Fest this year Yuè why doesn't the Sims 4 have spiral staircases yet? Yuè "you know you're probably gonna change your mind by the end of the episode, right?" Yuè "PLANS! Big ones!" Yuè "Okay first of all: breath mints. You needs on" Yuè Brittany is the only sane one here Yuè quite frankly. . Sunshine beating Rachel up is more believable than Rachel's sudden change of heart Yuè "I'm Finn" Yuè "that might change by the end of the episode though" true true true Yuè SMACK THAT Yuè I like this song more than Pretending but honestly I just really don't like Pretending Yuè there's so many great music in this episode Yuè I actually used to have Simgm music on my phone including this song Yuè the part with Santana and Rachel is my favourite Yuè nickname 3: pancakes Yuè nickname 4: gingerbread dough sprinkled lightly toasted graham cracker bunny" Yuè "who got tad more songs than me" "WHAT?" Yuè aaaah my Brittana shipping heart Yuè "NOW MARCH MOTHERFUCKER" Yuè "oh and. ... Tater tots" Yuè woah Brianna voiced both Terri and Sunshine?

Yuè [glee spoof 8] (Jim Cantiello voice) SEASON 3. The season where we appreciate Tina.

Yuè JUDGING YOU WRITERS Yuè "I don't have any (smile)" Yuè "We appreciate you!" Yuè "cinnamon toast" "Finn!" Yuè nickname 5: Pop Tart Yuè honestly Blaine should've just fucked stayed at Dalton Yuè what happened to Dianna's dog? Yuè "... than Kurt dropped Mercedes" oH SHIT Yuè THIS IS THE START OF UNICORN Yuè nickname 6: Candy Cane Yuè GOD BLESS THE BLAINE SONG AND BOSS'S BROTHER'S VOICE Yuè "I didn't do it" Yuè ah the angry student is back Yuè Oh wait is this where Jordan started voicing Sue? Yuè "Because they don't know what else to do with my character" Yuè good thing that glee spoof continues the hair jokes Yuè "We appreciate you!" Yuè this song was also on my phone Yuè I think I had Breakout, Tonight, Blaine song, Faith, Gotta Be Love With You and another one on my phone Yuè OH THE CELL BLOCK TANGO Yuè watching this really makes me want to play the Sims 2 again but... I have a storyline on the Sims 4 aka a fifth generation family Yuè QUINN FALLING GETS ME EVERY TIME Yuè name of Beth 1: Carol Yuè "holy crap I can't believe I'm actually saying meaningful lines" Yuè nadiacreek actually made a ranking of parents in glee and she put Shelby on it twice Yuè good for Beth and bad for Rachel Yuè "IHBBP. I have big baby plans!" Yuè "Damn, you Brittana"

Yuè [glee spoof 9] and we appreciate Tina Yuè Oh I love this song Yuè "Asian" "Asian F" "stereotype" "stop doing glee club" "no" "I'm glad we talked this out" Yuè BRITT IN A MONKEY SUIT Yuè name of Beth 2 and 3: Susan, Mary Yuè name of Beth 4: Jessica Yuè THEY SAY THAT LIFE IS TATER TOT AR R Y OU FOR REAL?? Yuè RORY UM IRISH Yuè I love the cast list Yuè and I also love Mercedes's riffs Yuè was Nathan actually Irish? I don't think do cause he was in one of those chats Yuè "I was told you are too" True Yuè "We apprecia-" "Shut the fuck up" Yuè "COURAGE" Yuè I actually wanted the courage t-shirt before I got the I have big plans one Yuè Oh man I miss the old crack days of jokes of Finn telling Blainers to sit down Yuè AND THERE IS BRIANNA AS SUGAR MOTTA Yuè "what the f-" Yuè "H-" "stop you're embarrassing yourself" Yuè I LOVE THAT FINN SMILE Yuè "Told you"

Yuè [glee spoof 10] that time a parody handled Santana's coming out story better than the actual show

Yuè I love the warning Yuè "I've been working in keeping my eyebrows still" Yuè "I think I'll go wax my lasagna" is one of my favourite lines ever Yuè OH B OY SEBASTIAN Yuè nickname 7???: snuggle toes Yuè a background sim is wearing a fez I love it Yuè FUCKING HELL THE VEGAN THING Yuè "Tina what the fuck" "Bitch" Yuè Y'ALL IT IS TIME FOR THE CELL BLOCK TANGO THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE Yuè also who the hell did these sometimes inaccurate captions? Yuè kudos to Boss for all these dialogues Yuè "Found out he couldn't handle BIG PLANS" Yuè damm I'm still in awe bc f the Cell Block Tango Yuè "we're here to save Rachel's virginity" Yuè nickname 8: Watermelon Lips Yuè KLAINE DID WATERMELON BEFORE IT WAS COOL Yuè I've drawn so many Stop the violence things Yuè Lauren is creepin Yuè GO SIMGM GO SIMGM GO SIMGM YES YES YES THANKS FOR THIS SCENE Yuè I love the big camera and also them saying the storyline is stupid Yuè also we needed more of Brittany supporting Santana during this come on fuck off glee Yuè I HAD TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABUT TIS SONG Yuè Quinn is just smiling while Santana is beating the living shit out of Finn Yuè "Can't say I didn't warn you" Yuè FINN SINGING WHILE DRUNK AND NAKED IS MY FAVE Hannah sebbbbb Yuè Hannah: did you watch simgm ????????

Yuè [glee spoof 11] time for simgm to do it right

Yuè it is true tho bc Santana suddenly got suspended for violence and I'm like... FIGGINS HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT THESE KIDS DO ON A DAILY BASIS? Yuè Man the actual episode was such bullshit Yuè "then we're all in the wrong club" Yuè Brittany saying the truth Yuè the entire Quick storyline is so weird Yuè "CHEESEBURGER" Yuè tbh this song is as boring as the song they actually sung on glee so congrats simgm Yuè I'll never get why Santana was so offended by Klaine singing Perfect to her in support bc they know how hard it is in a straight world Yuè whereas the straight dude who outed her sang a boring ass unnecessary song and Santana was crying because she was so ///moved/// Yuè "unions and ass????" Yuè nickname 9: Dolphin Nose? Yuè "I'M KURT BITCH" Yuè Brittana should've sung in the actual glee sigh glee this was such a disappointment Yuè BRITTANA DANCING THE SMUSSLE Yuè honestly suspending Rachel was the best that could have happened because it gave us a killer Rachel free setlist Yuè "Do you people know math???" Yuè "Not completely. I have big plans" "there she goes again" Yuè ZISES Yuè "and clap like a seal" Yuè "It's random and out of character" Yuè glee and its writers suck at romance Yuè "QUINN HEEL" Yuè THIS IS THE SONG THAT WAS ALSO ON MY PHONE Yuè "I can still remember when I was 18. and here I am at 17, a woman"

Yuè [glee spoof 12] there weren't any songs in it

Yuè NVM I WAS WATCHING EPISODE 13 THERE ARE SONGS IN EP 12 Yuè "oh you know me and my big plans" Yuè "we hold hands, ran into Kurt and Blaine, and I moved two weeks later" Yuè unfortunately the old channel doesn't have captions Yuè "allow me to show you my excitement. ..... " I actually use that quote in real life Yuè why can't Shue do anything by himself Yuè "it always freaks me out when he decides to actually teach" Yuè I love these moments Yuè "my cat will eat you alive" Yuè I just remember how uncomfortable it was to watch Finchel suck face on glee like they didn't even look like loving kisses it was full open mouth on open mouth and making out Yuè "you would know all about announcing things wouldn't you" Yuè I also liked this song Yuè "no I only do that in cars" Yuè nickname 10: chocolate turle Yuè *turtle Yuè to quote Darren Criss: "it's cool I'm back" Yuè after taking a break to help dad wth dinner I'm gonna end this episode Yuè Oh the slushie Yuè "do my eyebrows look okay?" Yuè "that building was already on fire when I got there" Yuè "what happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom" Yuè "aren't we supposed to be rehearsing" "DO WE EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?" Yuè GAY PIRATE Yuè "oh wow we actually accomplished something" I love Quinn s snark in these spoofs Yuè so much snark Yuè "oh sh-" Yuè WAIT JORDAN ALSO VOICED GRANT?

Yuè [glee spoof 13] Finn doesn't know how to wash his balls

Yuè really.. Will and Emma suck at their jobs Yuè BLACK SUE Yuè "by the way I'm having a baby" Yuè Mercedes was actually the only one in canon that handled differently when she cheated Yuè "where do I sign to get you fired?" Yuè there were no songs in this ep... Yuè Oh yeah Boss voiced Sugar cause Brianna was ill Yuè poor Puck Yuè ZISES Yuè "sure let's go with that" Yuè "okay who the fuck is this guy?" Quinn once again spilling the truth Yuè "FINN YOU SON OF A-" Yuè "my girlfriend my girlfriend politics and Latino Brittany is my girlfriend equal rights if I wanna kiss my girlfriend I can rainbow flag" Yuè nickname 11: crayola monkey Yuè wait isn't this Scott's last episode?

Yuè [glee spoof 14] what a nice episode title

Yuè "I'm sorry we don't speak bitch" Yuè "and you make a two dollar hoe look classy" Yuè Sam is wearing simgm merch Yuè "I don't here Finchel when Finchel speaks" same Yuè respect for simgm to not make fun of the suicide storyline Yuè I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE TEY PUT A STARKID REFERENCE IN HETR Yuè "MY CAT IS PART OF THE CIA" Yuè in which the girls are fucking sensible Yuè I love the glee version of No Scrub but man what a jam is this Yuè "you suck at motivational speeches" Yuè "do you feel the 'I don't give a fuck' I'm throwing in your direction" Yuè I ASKED FOR DEVELOPMENT AND THEY GAVE ME A WHEELCHAIR Yuè "I have-" "give it a rest Quinn" Yuè "he didn't call me a nickname today" "OH SHIT SON" Yuè "since five seconds ago" Yuè THESE PARTS BETWEEN SIBLING OH GOD Yuè damn Quinn is being inspirational Yuè duck bless this song Yuè AH BRITT Yuè "If there was a chair to kick right now I would" Yuè well well well simgm Yuè nice song

Yuè [glee spoof 15] at this point Boss and Co were so done they put 4 episodes in one spoof

Yuè True about Damian and the glee project thing Yuè waot there are no captions Yuè Mr Schue is such a dick Yuè ah... Quinn's face Yuè for real tho in 4 eps Santana changed her opinion on college too many times Yuè "this got disturbing really fast" Yuè UNIQUE Yuè "knock knock" "who's there?" "go away" Yuè THE WAY RACHEL'S FACE JUST FELL Yuè ZISES IS IN THE CHOIR ROOM Yuè the Quoe boner thing was so gross Yuè I also use "and I wanna go to college" in real life to basically say WTF Yuè fuck Chandler Yuè Oh jesus Yuè btw welcome Kyle to the cast Yuè "I can do that now. I see you're dressed as Lea Michele today" Yuè SANTANA VISION Yuè "dinosaurs" "shut the fuck up Mike"

Yuè [glee spoof 16] this is the end

Yuè throwback to the first ep Yuè Rachel is a selfish as Yuè *ass Yuè and Tina is right Yuè THE BODY SWAP Yuè nickname 12 kinda: winky fairy Yuè ahhh I'm getting all emotional Yuè TATER TOOOOOOOOOOOOTS Yuè another throwback because they're all wearing the outfits they wore in the first spoof Yuè "good luck with that" Yuè EVEN ZISES WAS HERE Yuè the unicorn magic!! Yuè "my big plans are-" (title song) Yuè ... and it's over AGAIN

Yuè [glee spoof minisodes and others]

Yuè mini 1Glee Spoof Minisode 1 | Kurt's Problem with Blaine Yuè this is the video that led me to Simgm because of Michael's awesome voice work Yuè nickname 1: cutiepiedumplingsugartwinkledove Yuè I love that nickname Yuè nickname 2: kurtsie wurtsie Yuè mini 2Glee Spoof Minisode 2 | Santana Exposes All Yuè TATER TOTS YEAAAAAH Yuè "Penises and Winecoolers: a dangerous combination" Yuè "you've been a bad girl Santana" oh lord Yuè mini 3Glee Spoof Minisode 3 | Fondue for Two Yuè wait Yuè this isn't minisode 3 Yuè this is the other Fondue for Two mini Yuè okay in other words minisode 3 has disappeared so let's just move to Yuè mini 4Glee Spoof Minisode 4 |The Glee Cast Discover the Gl... Yuè this s where it gets real Yuè "SAVE THE HORSES" Yuè this is the first time the actual sim "actors" were in a video Yuè "am I really that tall?" "YES!" Yuè mini 5Glee Spoof Minisode 5 | Quinn's Summer Before Senior... Yuè I actually ripped the audio off of this one and put it on my phone so that I could listen t it Yuè "you have too many messages fr me to count" Yuè "BLAINE HOW MANY TMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO SING DURING-" Yuè quinn's face when Finn tries to order a pizza Yuè "..." "that must've been Tina leaving a message" Yuè mini 6Glee Spoof Minisode 6 | The Glee Club Gets Tested Yuè "you know I'm gonna flunk" Yuè Oh Santana Yuè "cow ass no. 5?" Yuè "you're all fucking crazy" "we didn't need a test to tell us that" Yuè mini 7 for realGlee Spoof Minisode 7 | Fondue for Two Part 2 Yuè "do you enjoy being a lesbian?" Yuè nickname 3: puffy-bear Yuè again.. oh Santana Yuè "you do like tossing things" "yeah like..." "my girlfriend out of the closet" Yuè mini 8Glee Spoof Minisode 8 | Brainstorming with the Creat... Yuè RIB is at it again Yuè "is Obama available?" if only Yuè Ian does no shit Yuè hey it's a Zises Yuè I love the Sim cast Yuè "what the fuck did I just read" after the IKAG script is gold Yuè mini 9Glee Spoof Minisode 9 | The Glee Cast Auditions Yuè Sim cast is back wohoo Yuè "my name is-" "you've got the part" Yuè "no way that's HELLA cool!" Yuè mini 10Glee Spoof Minisode 10 | To Catch a Pedo Will Yuè you know that's also HELLA cool? Yuè more of Brianna as sugar Yuè "Because my boyfriend is super awesome" Yuè Sue knocking Schue down always gets me Yuè mini 11Glee Spoof Minisode 11 | Favorite Moments Yuè TIME FOR SENTIMENT Yuè I agree with Michael. "Where's ma crown?" is my favourite part as well Yuè the Christmas crap festGlee Spoof Christmas Special | Holly Jolly Crap Fest Yuè honestly I haven't seen this one in ages Yuè "this Irish dude" Yuè "????????????????" Yuè this was very weird tbh Yuè they never released that song Yuè comic conGlee Cast Comic Con Spoof Yuè I thought it was very cool that actual viewers could send in audio questions Yuè fucking mcgustin Yuè never forget mcgustin Yuè save horses and coffee 2k17 Yuè Oh shit Lea's laugh Yuè LEA Yuè go for it Darren Yuè sneak peek Behind the Scenes of Glee Spoofs Yuè this is like one minute long but it points out so many glee flaws it's hilarious Yuè "I asked for development and they gave me a wheelchair" Yuè btw I am watching all the little glee spoofs and other bts stuff but I'm not gonna live blog them

#lb 2018 #lb watching #lb glee #plurk adventures

[standing-in-the-rain29]

Interview Tag

Rules: Answer the following questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

I was tagged by @ladyknight-keladry ! Thanks for tagging me, though I fear my answers will leave much to be desired 😬😂 But let’s do it anyway! Here we go:

Nickname: I have a few. The most common is Jess. My mom calls me snugglebug, and my little sister likes to call me muffin-head lol

Pronouns: She/her

Star Sign: Aquarius

Height: 5’ 4”

Current Time: 10:38 pm ... I really need to go to sleep since I have work in the morning. Oh well!

When is your birthday: January 29

Favorite Band/Group/Solo Artist (I grouped these together): BTS, American Authors, Imagine Dragons, Red, Halestorm, Disturbed, Godsmack, Bad Wolves, Daughtry, Demi Lovato, Alesia Cara, The Score, Ava Max, Sam Smith, Daya, Adam Lambert, Halsey, GIMS, Tiziano Ferro, and many more lol My tastes vary with my daydreams at the moment :)

Song Stuck in my Head: My Head & My Heart by Ava Max. Specifically one line: “My mind’s got a mind, mind, mind of it’s own right now and it makes me hate me”

Last Movie Watched: X2 My mom, little sister, and I are watching the X-Men series, so, yeah. We already did Marvel, so we’re making our way through this series before moving on again lol

Last Show Binged: WandaVision. I waited until the entire season was done to watch it, and I binged all of then in two nights 😂 I’m thinking about waiting for TFATWS to finish too before watching? But ughhhhh it’s tough waiting! I love Bucky.

When Did You Creat Your Blog: July 2, 2013. OMG So long ago! My posts were ... interesting back then lol I went through phases, which I guess is t any different! But at least they are healthier?

Last Thing Googled: Toshiba tv reseating cables ... our tv has a wide blue line going down it, and I was trying to figure out how to fix it 😩😩 I’m gonna have to finagle and try things I’m it sure I’m good at. So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it’ll be interesting.

Other Blogs: Nope! I’ve only had this one! Cuz I’m weird lol

Who Chose Your URL: Me!! I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out back then and randomly chose it because ... rain is awesome lol Haven’t changed it because I don’t like change.

Do you get asks: Sometimes? Not often, which is both good and meh. Meh because I do like the attention, I think. Good because I am so awkward! My mood changes a lot between hyper/confident so I say whatever and don’t care what people think (right now for instance) to overthinking/low self esteem where I don’t know what to say, don’t want to say something wrong, get an answer wrong, and so on. It’s rough. My mental health is a slippery slope. Whelp.

How many people do you follow: 167

How many people follow you: 186!!! Holy cannoli guys! Thank you 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I honestly don’t care if people follow me or not. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of making friends on here, but this blog is for me. My safe space where only one person in the world knows me in real life (and she’s never on lol), so yup.

Lucky number: uhhhh 29?

Instrument: Hah! That’s funny. Me? Play an instrument? Nah. Took a piano class in college as an elective ... played by ear and got by, but don’t remember any of it!

Currently wearing: I’m in bed, about to sleep, so my pajamas. Which is basically a huge shirt lol Not that you needed to know that ... I may delete later tbh

Dream job: Man ... I’ve spent most of my life trying to figure this shit out. All the stress. But if money wasn’t an option ... something with the ocean. With animals. Idk what exactly, or where, but I seriously love the ocean. It’s calm yet unforgiving. I don’t live by an ocean, but I would love to. Just ... not where hurricanes hit lol because fuck that.

Dream trip: Shark diving with great white sharks :) Or something my little sister wants, and therefore spend time with her and my family while having fun. Both are good.

Favorite food: CHOCOLATE! I love chocolate. No lie. So good. Pizza, macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, salad (yummmmmy) ... basically carbs, cheese, chocolate, and some healthy things lol

Favorite Song: Why. How could you? Why put me in this situation! My mind went completely blank! It changes constantly. Depends on many things. I’ll give you my top 5 songs from last year on Spotify: ON by BTS, What About Us by P!nk, Ya Habibi by Mohamed Ramadan (totally found this on accident while looking for Nicky/Joe Old Guard songs and omg yesssss!), Daechwita by Agust D, and Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi.

Top three fictional universes you’d like to live it: Sooo. I have literally no idea??? Are we talking movies, books, shows, all of the above?? Ahhh. Guys. This is stressful. It shouldn’t be, right? Idk. I’m going to skip because I have no clue, and it’s stressing me out. Sorry?

Alright! That was a wild ride. Now it’s time for me tag people. If any of my followers want to do this, go for it! And for those I tag, you don’t have to do it! Here are my tags: @alona-marinelli , @spookydefendordreamer , @justagirlwithhercat , and @just-a-rather-ace-ravenpuff . So like. I’m tired. And tagging isn’t hard normally, but right now it is, so sorry if I forgot anyone that I talk to, that reblogs me a lot, that I reblog a lot, or so on. If I forgot anyone, I’m sorry! Please do it if you want to, or not! You do you. All the love xx 🤗🤗🤗

#interview tag #sorry for spelling for grammar mistakes #I’ll edit this later #but I gotta sleep #night guys #me #alll the info #sorry not sorry #good mood at the moment #will most likely change #lol

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Half Blood, Whole Heart: Part 3

Pairings: Jax x Reader, sister Winchester!reader- SOA/SPN Crossover

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, angst, SPN canon death.

Word Count: 3,988

A/N: So I decided to repost my novel- the story that someone stole from my old blog and put up on Wattpad. PLEASE don’t be an asshole and steal my stories. It CRUSHED me when it happened and almost ran me off Tumblr.

Half Blood, Whole Heart Masterlist   Aesthetic by @ravenangel33

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sat in the interrogation room, glaring at the man in front of you as he thumbed through your dad’s journal. You had been silently sitting in the cold room, handcuffed to the table for nearly two hours and the cop was not giving up.

“We know the guy you are with is Dean Winchester. Just tell us your name, sweetheart.” The man said as he looked up from the book. He rested the back of his leg on the table and you continued to sit silent, staring straight forward and swearing up a storm in your head. You knew you would get a phone call sooner or later and you were beginning the debate of calling Gemma or Jax to bail you out when the man slammed the journal shut. 

“Fine. Don’t talk. You’re friend is just about to crack anyways.” You bit the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from smiling at the mans blatant lie as he stormed out of the room. You knew without a shadow of a doubt in your mind that the only thing Dean was doing was giving the cops lip.

“I knew I should have stayed home.” You thought to yourself over the next hour you were left alone as you drummed your fingers on your knee. “Shit… I hope Sam really did wipe my Arkansas thing.” Without warning the door burst open and Dean smiled at you.

“Well look at you being all lazy, we have a case to finish.” You glared at him as he handed you a paperclip and he sat on the table with dad’s journal in his hand.

“How did you get out?” You asked as you sprung the handcuffs and stood up. Dean smiled as he looked up at you.

“Sammy called in a fake call.” You smiled and shook your head as the two of you headed out of the police station.

“Good ol’ Sam. Hey do you know if he cleared our records from Arkansas?” You asked as Dean led you to the roof and he nodded.

“Yep. Arkansas and Virginia are both cleared.”

“Oh shit! I forgot about Virginia.” You said as you climbed down the ladder on the side of the building. As your feet hit the bottom, you looked around for anyone that could be paying attention as Dean dropped down next to you.

“How could you forget about Virginia?” He asked as the two of you headed off to find a phone to call Sam and you shrugged.

“We got picked up after a salt and burn, easy to forget. Arkansas on the other had was not so easy to forget and you and dad still owe me for that.”

“I told you I was sorry a hundred times.” You brushed him off as the two of you ran across the road and you chuckled.

“Yea well Jax splitting your eyebrow was payback for that so we are even.” Dean balked and shook his head.

“No! No way! And since we are on that topic, don’t think I am even remotely close to being OK with you dating him.” You shrugged as you came to a stop at a phone booth. With a sweet smile, you pat his cheek and shook your head.

“It’s a good thing you don’t have a say in who I date then.” He huffed as he stepped into the phone booth and called Sam. You took a minute to grab the burner phone you had hidden in your boot to check the couple texts you had gotten while you were in custody as you listened to what Dean was able to figure out in the sheriff station.

Gemma -I am so excited about tomorrow night! Is everything going OK with Sam? How’s Jess?

Jax -Just checking in. Hope you’re having luck with your dad.

Jax -Happy just asked where you wanted the crow so he can draw it up tonight.

Jax -Hey… where are you, babe? I’m starting to worry.

“Dad’s not in Jericho.” Dean said. You ripped your eyes away from your phone to stare back at him as he told Sam about the coordinates. You rolled your eyes and bit your tongue as you sent a message to Jax.

-Hey baby. Sorry I disappeared- managed to get myself detained but I’m out. Dad’s not in Jericho so Dean’ll bring me home when we close this case. Sam is just about done with it. I should be home late tonight.Tell Happy across the front of my left shoulder by my collarbone. Love you!

You hit send at the same time Dean hung up the phone in a panic.

“We gotta go, now. Woman in white and she has Sam.” The two of you took off running toward the street to find a car.

“Where is she?” You asked as the two of you split up and started checking door handles.

“She’s buried behind her house. Here!” He said as he ripped open the door and you ran over to the car and got in.

“Hurry De.” You rushed as he hot-wired the car. It took him a hand full of tries before the car started. Your phone rang in your hand. You looked down and groaned as Dean pulled away from the curb. You did your best to keep the panic from your voice as you picked up Jax’s call. “Hey baby.”

“You have been gone less than 48 hours. What the fuck did you get arrested for?” He yelled. You glanced over at Dean who snorted with laughter and sighed.

“Technically I wasn’t arrested, I was…”

“I don’t want to hear technically, (Y/N). I want to know why my girlfriend was in handcuffs.” You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.

“Impersonating a U.S. Marshal and credit card fraud.”

“And a couple counts of murder.” Dean chipped in and you whipped around to glare at him as Jax growled in your ear.

“You have got to be kidding me.” Jax said and you shrugged.

“Well I got out of it and they didn’t even know my name so it’s fine, baby.”

“Finish whatever this shit is and get home tonight. You and I are gunna have a long talk about this family business of yours.” You opened your mouth to protest but Jax had already hung up the phone. Dean laughed as he raced down the highway and you looked at him.

“Shut up, Dean. This is your fault.” He looked over at you and shook his head.

“No way, Button. You could have stayed in the room with Sam.” You punched his shoulder and flopped back against the seat.

“This is why I got out. Let’s just get this shit done; I want to go home.” Dean glanced over at you.

“(Y/N), you are dating a guy in a biker gang. You are bound to have a run in with the cops there too.”

“That’s not the point, Dean. I never wanted to chase monsters. I left so I wouldn’t have to explain to the man I love that the reason I was arrested in Virginia was for grand theft auto and grave desecrations. And Arkansas where I was arrested for federal impersonation of an officer, kidnapping, bring a child that wasn’t mine over state lines, filing a false police report and grand theft auto because you and dad made me take that kid to his dad’s when his mom was bit by that werewolf.

I don’t want to have to be in a situation like today where I had to sit in an interrogation room for hours and have the mental debate on whether I needed to call Jax or Gemma to bail my ass out of jail on murder charges and then have to explain to them that I am not a murderer, I just kill things that no one believes exist for a living.”

“Yea, well we are Winchesters and that’s what we have to do. And those cases were all dropped and wiped from the system years ago.” You shook your head as Dean drove around the last bend to the old house.

“I’m half a Winchester, Dean and after tonight, I am out for good.” He looked over at you as he slid the car to a stop and the two of you jumped out of the stolen car to rescue Sam.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride back to Charming was nearly silent after you caught Sam up on what happened and he figured out where John was. He told Dean that he, too was still out and Dean had been fuming the entire ride. As he pulled down the poorly lit the street to the SAMCRO compound, you could see Jax standing in the middle of the road, waiting.

“Call me after your interview, Sam.” You said as you grabbed the straps to your duffle. Sam kissed your cheek as you gave him a one armed hug over the seat. You paused and looked at Dean. “Dean, I love you but…”

“Yea. Don’t worry, I got it.” He snapped. With a sigh, you got out of the car and headed toward Jax. “Hey Button.” Dean called out and you turned around and looked at him over the hood of Baby. “Thanks for your help. I’m sorry.” You gave him a weak smile and nodded.

“I know De. Don’t be such a stranger anymore.” He nodded and gave you a half wave before getting back in the Impala and taking off down the street. You heard Jax sigh as he took your duffle and he pulled you into his chest.

“I can’t let you out of my sight for nothin’, can I babe?” he asked with a small laugh and you smiled as you wrapped your arms around his waist.

“Apparently, if left to my own devices I get arrested, so no.” He kissed your forehead and moved to your side. You smiled and leaned against him as the two of you headed into the club house. You said quick hello’s to the couple people that were still hanging out on a Sunday night before you headed to your room. The door had barely closed behind you before Jax sighed.

“Alright. What can you tell me?” You ran your hand through your hair as you toed your boots off and sighed.

“You’re gunna wanna sit down for this and I need you to listen with an open mind because what I’m about to tell you is going to seem like an absolute lie.” Jax nodded as he lit two cigarettes and the two of you sat down on the bed. You took a long drag to figure out where to start and with another sigh, you started from Mary and told him everything.

Jax didn’t say a single word the entire time you spoke but you shared everything. Every case you could think of, every arrest you had had. You spared no details. Just as you were finishing up, your phone rang. You ignored the first call but when it rang once more, you dug through your bag to find it. You only glanced at the screen for a moment before you answered Dean’s call.

“De, not a good ti…”

“Are you and Jax OK?” Dean shouted over you and you frowned.

“Yea, we’re still talking, why?”

“Whatever got mom, got Jess.” Your stomach dropped as you looked up at the man you loved. He mouthed ‘what’ and you held up a finger as you put the phone on speaker.

“Where are you? Where’s Sam? Is he…?”

“Sam’s… well I got Sam out of the house but he’s not doing good, (Y/N).” You felt tears sting the back of your eyes and you shook your head at the idea that you had just lost someone that had become a best friend.

“Dean, are you sure it’s the same thing?”

“Positive. I saw her on the ceiling, just like my mom was, before the apartment went up in flames.” You let out a choked sob and shook your head and Jax pulled you into his chest. “Look, salt the windows and doors, Sam and I are on our way back to you.”

“You can crash here for the night. The club has a couple empty rooms.” Jax offered.

“Didn’t realize I was on speaker but thanks man. Look, I don’t know what my sister has told you so far but whatever she tells you to do tonight, listen to her. We have been doing this our whole lives and she can save yours.” Dean said and you heard the door to the Impala slam in the background. “We are headed to you now.”

“De, drive safe and take care of Sammy.” You said. Dean hummed in response and hung up the phone without another word. It took you a moment to think before you scooted out of Jax’s safe embrace. “Well… welcome to the family. I hope you believed some of what I said.” Jax nodded as he brushed your tears away.

“It’s a little crazy but from the stories you just told me… they are too detailed to be just made up. I have some doubts but I believe you.” You nodded as he gave you a chaste kiss. You sat back a moment later and sighed.

“Alright, we need salt, a tire iron or two and a jug of water. I have a rosary in my dresser somewhere… Holy water.” You said, answering his questioning look. He nodded slowly as you got off the bed, a small river of tears still silently streaming down your cheeks.

You quickly gathered everything you would need to make your room safe from the spirit that had killed two people close to the Winchester family and you waited. As you waited, you laid in Jax’s arms; mourning Jess’ death before Sam arrived. Just before 2 am, Dean called and said they were outside. You pocketed your gun and headed out into the club to get your brothers. As you stepped outside, you took one look at Sam as he collected a few weapons from the trunk and your heart broke all over again.

You could see he was angry; mentally embarking on a warpath to avenge the woman he loved. But as he looked up at you, his hazel eyes showed you the true heartbreak and devastation he was feeling.

“Let me help.” You said softly as you took one of the guns from his arms. He froze as you touched his arm and the moment he looked at you, the dam broke.

“Jess…” He whispered as his tears began to fall. You tossed the gun you had back into the Impala and wrapped your brother in a hug.

“I know, Sammy. I know.”

“I should have protected her.” He choked as he pulled away and you shook your head as the Dean came around the back of the car and started grabbing the things he needed.

“Sam, there was nothing you could do.” He shrugged as he handed you a shot gun and you felt Jax put his hand on your hip.

“We gotta get this shit inside fast. If Clay or Unser find out about this it will be my head.” You nodded as Sam and Dean grabbed the last couple things and the four of you quickly darted into the empty clubhouse to Jax’s room. As the four of you headed into your room, you locked the door and toed the salt line back in place as Sam pulled out a map and dad’s journal and laid them out on your bed.

“So we know by the coordinates dad left that he is probably in Colorado.” Sam started as he sat on the floor by the bed and flipped through the leather bound book. You shook your head as Jax lit you a cigarette.

“Sammy, give it a night. You can start fresh…”

“No, (Y/N)!” he snapped. “Jess is dead and I’m gunna find dad and find this thing and end this.”

“Sam, we don’t even know if dad is really in Colorado.” Dean said as he flopped down in the desk chair. He glanced at you as you took a drag of your smoke and cocked his eyebrow. “And if we did know, he would kill you if he found you smoking again.” You rolled your eyes and sat down in the middle of your bed.

“Go parent someone else, bro; I’m a big girl. But he’s right Sam. You don’t know that dad is even in Colorado.”

“Yea, well we leave first thing in the morning.” Sam said as he folded up the map. He reached out and grabbed your cigarette and took a drag before handing it back to you and Dean groaned.

“Man, not you too.” You and Jax laughed as he sat down on the bed next to you.

“Well count me out. I got work in the morning and unbreakable plans tomorrow night. What about your interview, Sam?”

“Screw my interview. My future went up in flames tonight so I’m gunna focus on stopping this thing.”

“What’s so important tomorrow night you can’t come with us and help?” Dean asked. You rolled your eyes as you took another drag of your cigarette.

“None of your fucking business, that’s what. I told you I am not hunting anymore. This whole night just goes to show that all we are doing is putting a bigger target on our backs than the Winchester name already has given us. Whatever IT is attacked Sam because dad must be pissing it off where ever the hell he is and I am not putting myself or the man I love in danger to avenge Jess. I’m going to do what normal people do and mourn our loss.”

“(Y/N), you can’t be serious.” Dean said and Sam looked at you stunned.

“She was your best friend!” He shouted and you nodded as you exhaled smoke toward the flag above you.

“I know she was but I didn’t want that life. I was forced into it just because my mom was a piece of shit who got knocked up by John Winchester. I have always felt like the outsider and you both know that. I could have lived a normal, happy life but instead, I got dropped off with dad, got raised by my two brothers and Bobby and when I was a child and told you I was scared of the boogyman, I should have been comforted not traumatized with the truth. I was raised to hunt monsters instead of learning about make-up and clothing like most girls.”

“We did the best we could!” Dean said and you nodded.

“I’m not saying you didn’t Dean. What I am saying is that I am out; O.U.T. out of that life. I have people I care about here in Charming, a man I love with all of my heart and woman who is the mother I have never had. I have a great job, and the same roof over my head every night and the white picket fence apple pie life I always dreamed about. I am not throwing that away nor am I doing anything to further jeopardize it because I may be a Winchester by blood but I don’t think that I will be a Winchester by name very much longer after tomorrow.” The second the words left your lips, you flushed red and slapped your hand over your mouth. Sam and Dean both looked at you shocked as you turned back and looked at Jax’s smiling face.

“Hey, you said it, not me.” He said and you couldn’t help but smile as you reached across him to put your cigarette out in the ashtray.

“Are you getting married tomorrow?” Sam asked. You sighed as you turned back around and leaned back against the wall.

“No. I’m… well… I’m getting his crow.” Your brothers looked at each other confused as Jax put his arm around your waist and pulled you to his side.

“What the fuck does that mean.” Dean demanded as he sat up a little straighter. You put your hand on Jax’s knee and tilted your head to the side.

“Basically… I’m getting a tattoo of a crow. Pre-engagement, engagement kinda thing.”

“Over my dead body!” Dean roared as he lurched up from the chair. You tightened your hand around Jax’s knee to keep him sitting as you pointed at your older brother.

“Sit your ass down, Dean. Do not cause a scene in my home, do you understand me?”

“(Y/N), he’s branding you!” He said as he sat back down in the chair and you gave him a half mouth smirk as Jax’s words flooded your mind.

“They aren’t barbarians, Dean. It’s a tattoo not a brand and I am CHOOSING to get it.”

“Dad is going to have a field day.” Sam said. You turned to look at your other brother and shrugged.

“Well I guess it is a good thing for me that dad is missing then. If he were here, he could throw in his two cents but he isn’t. And he told me that if I left to not come back so there’s another thing to solidify my decision to not go hunting anymore.”

“Does family mean nothing to you?” Dean asked. You looked up at him as tears you weren’t expecting stung the back of your eyes.

“How dare you. Family means everything to me but family doesn’t put each other in danger on purpose. And you seem to have forgotten the fact that you and dad turned your backs on me for the whole last year, Dean so you tell me what fucking family means to you. Cause from where I’m sittin’, my family is a bunch of biker mechanics and Sam.” No one said a word for a couple minutes as tears silently fell down your cheeks. You heard someone cough faintly in another room down the hall and you forced yourself to look away from your oldest brother to glance at the clock. You internally groaned at the unbelievably late hour and you looked back at Dean.

“Look, we have all had a really, really long day but I have to rip apart a truck in three hours to replace an engine and a transmission and I need sleep for all that. There is a room across the hall that is empty so you two can sleep for a couple hours. Just come find me in the shop before you leave. Night boys.” Without another word, you got up and walked past Sam into the bathroom to take a quick shower. As you stepped under the hot water, Jax joined you with a sad smile.

“You OK, babe?” He asked as he got into the shower. You shrugged and leaned against his chest.

“Part of me feels like a bad person for not going with them but the other part…”

“Just told them to fuck off.” He finished with a chuckle. He kissed your forehead and wrapped his arms around you. “Babe, you said it yourself. Dean and your dad turned their back on you when you made the choice to walk away to better yourself and your life. You are doing what is best for you. You can’t let them dictate what is best for you anymore.”

“I know…” you sighed as you looked up at the love of your life. “the situation still sucks though.” He nodded and shrugged.

“And I wish there was something I could do to make it better.” You smiled at him as you moved your arms around his neck.

“Give me a kiss and take me to bed.” He smiled and effortlessly lifted you off the floor before turning off the water.

“That I can do.”

Part 4

#Jax x Reader #Half Blood Whole Heart #SOA/SPN crossover

[destielfanfic]

Group Ask #157

Relevant Links:

previous group asks

prompt comms

Supernatural Kink Community (more info here and here)

prompt blogs listed at the bottom of our other page and here

spnstoryfinders

we may not have fics to personally rec, but those looking for fics that have key terms might find relevant fics on ao3, livejournal, ff.net, etc (guide to finding fic)

Ask #1 ( @whovianthatissherlocked): there’s this fic...#1

I'm looking for a fic I've already tried googling it. It's a destiel fic where they have to go through mating rituals. Sam is not with Dean and Dean still thinks he is in the cage in the beginning of it. It was on live journal and Michael ends up becoming a friend. They lock Lucifer in the cage for longer using a ritual where Dean is Michael's vessel. Also they go to eden and it's a work in progress. If you can find it

Found by  mieekaserra:  Unexpected Destinies

Ask #2 ( @sarah-the-demon ): there’s this fic...#2

Hi! I was wondering if you might be able to find a certain fic? I don't have too many details (it's been a while and things got jumbled up in my head), so it's alright if you aren't able to find it. I remember that it had a specific set of events, though. Dean at some point had some kind of teacher figure (pre-story events) and he found out she died. He thought of a specific poem at her grave or somewhere like that while he thought of her, but for the life of me I can't remember it. Thank you!

Found by @lunaloca1152 and @hypoatias-sister: Sex101, or: That Time Castiel Asked Dean To Teach Him How To Have Sex

Ask #3 ( @colorxblind ): there’s this fic...#3

Hi! Thank you for sharing these great destiel fanfics. I love this blog so much!! Anyway, there's this fanfic I've been looking for a long time but I forgot the title and the author. In this fanfic, everyone has a middle name that is kind of a secret that only mates or family know and Dean's true name is Dean Humanity Winchester. Does anyone know the title? Many thanks for the help!

Ask #4 ( @cooltremendouspsychiccollector ): there’s this fic...#4

Could you help me find a fix? I can't remember the name but Cas and Dean are friends and cas brings a boyfriend to his birthday or something. I think dean yells at him and cas or his boyfriend (maybe balthazar) punches dean. John then asks dean why he called cas names since he knew cas was gay and dean admits he loves cats and is mad/jealous he has a boyfriend. John tells him to figure it out then they resolve their issues. Thanks!

Suggested by partylikeits-1989: 

Drifting Verse [T, 37,500 word count WIP]

A series following the childhood friends who have had their huge ups and downs.

Ask #5 ( @slyviebee91 ): there’s this fic...#5

Hi! I've been searching all over the place for a story that I think was recommended here in the past. In this story, Cas works in an ER (doctor or nurse) and Dean is admitted to the hospital due to him suffering a severe asthma attack. Eventually, he and Cas bond. I think Sam and Jess may have been featured in the story as well.

Ask #6 ( anon ): there’s this fic...#6

Hi, I have been searching this kid!fic but couldn't find it in kid or domestic tags. But it's weird one. It's AU. Dean is guardian of a baby ( I think girl and her name is Emma) There was very angst backstory with is reason Dean is not coping well and Castiel, Charlie (?) etc are trying to help. There is conversation where Dean ask Castiel if he smells and that's why the baby is fussy around Dean. Castiel is very understanding and refers to Deans background as reason. If this rings any bells I would love to find this fic. :D It's been some time so i don't really remember what the angst backstory was really about. And Sam+Jess are possible dead and that's why Dean is the guardian and without family support.

Found by @desiraelovesdestiel - this is a cockles fic!! Broken Man and the Dawn (unofficially recced here)

Ask #7 ( @forensic-hippogriff): there’s this fic...#7

Hi, i just wanted to know if you know the fic where Castiel and his family move because his dad was arrested for being the Morningstar murderer and he meets dean and all the others and ive been looking for it for a while so i can reread it but i can't find it and its making me sad so i was wondering if you could help me, thank you!

Found by desiraelovesdestiel and unexectedreamz!: 

Here’s to Us [T, 101,300 word count]

The religious “vigilante” serial killer, Emmanuel Novak, known as the Morning Star Murderer, has been captured and has confessed to over fifty murders, though his actual victim count is projected to be more than Gary Ridgeway and Ted Bundy combined. When his family moves to Lawrence, Kansas, in an attempt to get a fresh start, they don’t know what to expect from the local residents; and though they aren’t surprised by the air of distrust, they are surprised to find out why. When the wayward, fearful Castiel Novak meets the loyal, trustful Dean Winchester, he never expects to fall in love with him.

Ask #8 ( @supervampire1000): there’s this fic...#8

Please please help! I can't remember the name of a fanfiction I love!! Ok i know it's destiel, it also has sambriel and I know Raphael is main evil boy. Ok so basically I know that dean and cas are kinda bonded and I know Sam and gabe are bonded, they fuck through a wall. then Castiels dad is a traitor idk and Castiels brother in this fic dies. Some how Mary and John Winchester brought back and they are accompanied by an angel and is bonded to another crazy angel. I think it's apocalypse verse

If any of our followers have anything to suggest, drop it in our ask box (mention which ask you are talking about by number or bolded title). If you don’t see your ask here, it is because we have quite a few in the inbox. Thanks!!

#asks #group asks #there's this fic

[hgpelite-blog]

Hi!  My name is:

Today let me begin by introducing myself to you.  My name (now) is Hillary Giuda-Philpott and I am an alcoholic.  NO, no Im not, thats supposed to be funny.  My ex-husband IS an alcoholic but that is a tale for another time.  I will introduce myself as follows:

-Wife

-Mother

-Entrepreneur

-Coach

-Competitive bodybuilder:  Today we start from the beginning of this journey.  It has been 4 years in the making and to be perfectly honest, today I am tired of it.  I don't always love it.  And I am hungry.  But... I keep going.  Why?  Because I am insane?  Or maybe stubborn?  Determined!  That's it.  At least that is what I tell myself.  

In the beginning I was 29 years old and a brand new gym rat!  I didn't really know much of anything about bodybuilding.  I learned a little bit about macros, losing weight, and how to lift weights (via youtube videos) and like so many that have come before me I became totally obsessed!!  I was already a WELL established cardio queen at my local YMCA so it came as a surprise, for some, to see me in the weight room.  I do have giant balls though, so naturally I wasn't intimidated.  I also have a lovely RBF!  So people, for the most part, left me alone!  Not long after my iniatition in the weight room I left the YMCA for 'The Pound' which was where the real bodybuilders were, no offense Norwich YMCA, and clearly where I belonged!   I truly did feel right at home at The Pound, and this place was like no other gym I had ever seen... not that I had seen that many, BUT...  The owners were (and still are) straight up GOALS!  They both train like savages and have the know how to back up their skills!  And they actually WANT to help their people grow which is one of the things that set them apart to this day!  Shortly after I began training there I was asked "have you ever thought of competing?"  Well no.  Not sure what that even is... I think I even asked "what's that?".  Then googled and figured YEAH Im gonna do THAT!  I can do that!!  And it was off to the races!!

I think that epic moment was some time in August of 2016... and I took the stage that October in Syracuse NY!  I believe my class had 5 girls and I actually came in 2nd!  I remember thinking I was going to either trip or pass out... maybe both.  But luckily I did neither of those things.  My feedback from that show was to smile!  Looking at the pictures now makes me cringe... like most of us when we look at our first show pics.  No joke though I literally looked like I was being tortured up there.  After that show I decided to do the Arnold Amateur in Columbus OH (yea, that is me!  From sharing the stage with 4 people to the 2nd largest show in the world...).  Just a month or so into my Arnold prep I decided I was in over my head and hired a coach.  The first coach I had ever hired!  Her name is Casey Samsel and I was totally obsessed with her from the start.  I still am in fact.. but I think her, and my growth through her, is going to be a whole other blog.  

I took the Arnold stage that March looking better than I did in Syracuse but not nearly good enough.  I was still in the stage of "doing this for fun" and "now I get to eat" so I was ok with not placing top 10.  But far more importantly... something happened to me on that stage... and Ill take a few minutes to get into that now.  Why not.

In May of 2016 I left my college sweetheart & now ex-husband.  I had my reasons and if anyone really cares I will write about that at some point as well.  When I left him I took with me the blame and a barrage of rumors about my relationship with my NOW husband.  And like that cocky RBF gym rat I gave zero fucks.  My husband, Mark, was and is my pilar of strength.  It was through him that I began to find myself and who I really am.  And clearly, because people, this somehow equated to we were having an affair.  I think I am digressing so I'll move on.  And none of that is the point. ANYWAY.  May 2016 to March 2017 was rough.  VERY rough.  I learned who my Ex really was.  I learned how much he lied to me and how bad his drinking problem really was.  I learned that he wasn't going to change, and that things were really over.  I, like that country song said, found out who my friends were!  I also lost half of my family (in terms of support.. no one died).  I had some very low moments in those months... but somehow I made it to that stage in March 2017.  I remember meeting Casey for the first time at this show.  And she really is goals.  My BFF Jess and I were just staring at her!  We were AMAZED by her physique!  Like two little kids looking at a real life Unicorn!!  She led us past the security officers with their dogs, past THE ARNOLD STAGE, and into the backstage area.  That is one of my very few vivid memories of that day.  As crazy as it sounds the memories that day don't all stand out... and maybe that is because what happened when I stepped on that stage.  And no, I didn't face plant.  

I remember being hit in the face with those lights, and unlike my Syracuse showing, it lit me up inside and out.  Mark and Jess were in the audience and they were just about all I had at that point in time!  I had the love and support of my father also but he wasn't there.. the bikinis are a little small for his comfort level so he cheers me on from afar.  I walked out to that center box and it happened.  An epiphany!  I had gone through months of physical and emotional struggle and found myself in Columbus.  Literally.  I had found myself.  This was who I was meant to be!!  I had found a way to channel my pain and struggle and turn into my very best version of myself!  (Insert some cliche saying about a butterfly).  Then and there was when I decided competing was part of who I am.  It was my struggle that got me through.  Competing gave me something to focus on other than the utter chaos of my divorce and all the drama that went along with it.  My prep was the one thing that I could control and in those moments on stage it all paid off.  Even now as I remember that day my fire to succeed is growing stronger.  

Being a competitive bodybuilder is truly one hell of a rollercoaster and I don't know that many people put that out there.  What you see a lot of on social media is the gorgeous women, all shredded, in totally blinged out bikini's pumping up eating a donut (or a rice cake if you keep it clean).  And that is the glamorous and exciting side of the sport!  What you don't see or hear so much about is the shit that is going on, in my head, right now.  Right at this very moment.  It is a constant battle of your will!  It is some kind of cross between insanity and determination.. on steroids (no pun intended, and no I don't use gear).  The kind of hunger and exhaustion you experience during contest prep isn't anything that can be put into words.  It is all consuming some days.  Today I have spent my free hours working as much as I can to keep from counting down the minutes until I eat again!  And my meals, though I am being fed pretty well, barely coat my ribs and really just piss my body off... making me MORE hungry than before I ate.  And I know, cry about it right?  There are literally people starving in the world and I choose to do this to myself.  

The trouble, lately, is I feel like I lost my fire!  I forgot about that soft, underdeveloped girl, who fell in love with this sport!  My goal is always in my heart and on my mind.  I WILL WIN MY PRO CARD!  It has been all consuming for the last 3 years!  My life revolves around my sport and my goal!  But today these girls (and I do mean girls... most in their early 20's) are FIRE!  And here I am, 33, arriving late to the game!  And I find myself asking will I EVER GET THERE?  Or will I just torture myself until I finally decide to give up.  But there... is the problem.  I can't give up.  I will never be able to live with myself if I do.  So in these moments I try to remember my why.  And I go back to that stage in Columbus.  Today and each day I will follow my plan.  I will give it hell.  I feel like I have come full circle and my time is coming.  I made my rounds (and again, that will be in a blog to come), and I have found my way back to my first coach, Casey.  She brought the true athlete out of me and she is the one who will take me to the IFBB pro league.  My time will come!  I WILL be like Charlie Brown and I will never give up.

[tessatechaitea]

Scarab #3

Every time I see a Glenn Fabry cover, I assume I'm about to read about Jesse Custer.

I also know the term "misdirection"! Look at all the titties!

I wanted to say I knew the word "legerdemain" because it's way fancier but it wasn't as specific as I wanted to be. But I still wrote the previous sentence where I say wanted to write a different sentence so that you know the thing I wanted you to be impressed by in the first place. Meanwhile, Eleanor is still flying around in the Net having profound Vertigo thoughts. If you're speculating, "I bet she thinks about her first kiss and the first time she got her period and her father's funeral and the rain on her wedding day," I'm aghast. How'd you know?! Fucking clever of you, mate. Two new characters are introduced: Sidney Sometimes and his sidekick (not named! I'm not even sure "Sidney Sometimes" is the other guy's name). They're Fortean dudes publishing a Fortean magazine. But this one is heavy on the sex and mutilation and probably drugs. Sidney's upset that his alien rape story has fallen through and now has to decide if he should run the Manson interview this month or next month alongside the DIY surgery issue. I'm sure these characters will fit into the story later but for now they just seem like a one page dumping ground of John Smith's story ideas.

Sure, every teeaboo knows what a Clanger is now. But back in 1993, American audiences wouldn't know what the fuck this was about.

Speaking of teeaboos, I've got a new idea for a streaming service: I'm the only customer and I'm paying a single British person to upload all the shows I want to watch on a private YouTube channel. Come on, somebody! I need a reliable source for full episodes of Taskmaster! Marty is the guy watching some Clangers. He's still bitter that all the men drowned themselves without him. Imagine having self-esteem that low that you're hurt and angry that nobody invited you to the mass suicide? I guess he could also be affected by magic but I'd rather think he's got the same kinds of problems that I do. I mean that we all have.

See? He's Everyman!

Scarab arrives in Whitehaven, the town without any men (except for me. I mean Marty). He realizes something bad is happening in Whitehaven because, um, women are running things, I guess? Maybe his subconscious is reacting to an article he forgot he read about how hundreds of dead and bloated men washed up on the shores of nearby towns for weeks. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you'd forget too readily but remember Scarab was a super old guy for the first two issues. Or maybe Louis is just a Comicsgater at heart. He walks into a town full of women and thinks, "What the fuck is wrong with this comic book I'm in?! Where are all the men? Fucking pandering bullshit!" It's also possible he senses the magic monster at the center of this mystery. But that's not as much fun to speculate about. Louis meets Marty who tells him how every woman in town is now four months pregnant and how the matriarch of the town is living with a monster. He's going to take his shotgun and put things right. I don't know how a shotgun does that but then I'm not a fucking cuckoo nutso whackjob who thinks every problem can be solved with physical violence. Scarab probably thinks there's a better answer too. I don't mean to suggest he doesn't also think physical violence will be the answer. This is still a comic book, for fucks sake! He'll probably just concentrate the violence on the monster while I assume Marty is just planning on going around shooting pregnant women. It turns out the god Pan is fucking everybody in town. He also drove all the men into the sea. But for some reason, he couldn't figure out how to deal with Marty because how do you get a guy with a broken leg to kill himself? It's impossible! The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan! Unless Marty wasn't driven to suicide because Marty is trans. It's possible because later that night when Marty goes to shoot Pan in the face, something entirely different happens instead.

Marty was definitely fucked by Pan (raped? Probably! But who knows what happens when you get a whiff of a lustful goat god?!). But what is he trying to show Louis? That he's suddenly pregnant? Or, with his pants open like that, has he lost his cock?

Scarab #3 Rating: C. I'm super confused by this ending. Is the art just not sufficient to portray what Marty is upset about? Is he simply upset that he's all beaten and bloody due to being raped by Pan? Is he holding his pants that way because they were torn off during the violence or because he's trying to show Louis his genital region? Or is he holding his pants that way to show that he's suddenly pregnant? It's possible because the art could be suggesting a swollen stomach. Rarely do I find the art failing me in a comic book to this degree. I suppose the writing is also failing but I only think that's because this final image was supposed to portray whatever the dialogue was leaving out. The good thing is that I don't have to be confused for a full month because I've got the next issue waiting for me in my stack! Corrections: It was brought to my attention that The Phantom Stranger has more than ten fans. Although no proof was provided other than that The Phantom Stranger has gotten published in more than its initial series. I'm not sure that's enough proof though because I've purchased a lot of comic books about characters I didn't give a shit about and by writers I actively hated. But I will grant that the person providing me with this information was also a fan of The Phantom Stranger. So in my previous commentary, I should have said The Phantom Stranger had eleven fans.

#Scarab #Vertigo #DC Comics #DC #John Smith #Scot Eaton

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

11/3/17

I need to start blogging again, so much happening in my life I need to write down. Halloween, the band loco tranquilo performed and I met all the members basically, and the hot guitarist really digged me and offered to walk me home, but i said no to going home with art bc i wanted to wake up early for class, but this guy was really pushing my boundaries and basically broke down all the walls i put up. and it taught me to strengthen and follow my boundaries, if I want to or dont want to do something, its easy to speak it, but i have to DO IT. I let him push them, although i tried very hard to get my way, he ended up getting his way. But on thursday it was dia de los meurtos and i walked around garfield park by my self and felt very sensitive, i carried carlos guitar pick i made a necklace from and journeyed everywhere with him, then I went to fire ceremony which was very powerful.. I had his pick in my hand and our baby picture and at first i was having an expectation for this experience to be powerful because its supposedly the most delicate day for the dead’s realm to intervene with the living, so i wanted to sit down and spend time with my brother... even tho Craig (the drummer from loco tranquilo ) invited me to this show thing and i got ready for it and everything, but i really wanted this sacred time. and when i was meditating i realized i need to have no expectations and to just meditate and feel . and i did, and it was magical.. i felt like carlo was hugging me.. i felt some weight.. some existence on my chest.. like i was being hugged, and it was in tune with my breathing..  but so magical.. i shedded a tear.. and i had the necklace with his pick wrapped around my left ring finger bc i remember reading that there is a vain where the heart connects there.. and i felt him in my heart.. it was amazing.. and a memory of when we were both getting washed by mama bc we both had lice haha.. such a fun memory ,,but i didnt even realize yesterday was day of the dead until the day was almost over.. but it all made sense.. the night before i was really down missing him and feeling him.. and i was cleaning temple for like 1 hour and vacuumed for like 20-30 minutes bc i was just so into it.. karma yoga has really helped me.. i just thought about him and grieved very powerfully the past few days.. starring at the moon reminded me of him. anyways did kirtan anyways went to piano fight bar after dia de los meurtos anyways it was very young lots of people in there 20s and it was just a huge energetic crowd i didnt really feel like i fit in well possibly bc i dont know anyone but everyone was just so young and full of energy and i usually am around these older ppl but it was this guy kyles  bday and he had a a lot of guys play an acoustic set at the bar and then had a video premiere of his new song and it was beautiful it was so amazing so psychedelic and hippie like and it reminded me of my brother and just everything about it like the music and everything was so carlo and it made me wish curl was still alive bc everyone loved this kyle guy and he literally just reminds me of foxygen and everything this kyle guy is about and music videos and the scene and I'm just made carlo did this bc he has it all a beautiful family and not a problem in life but whatever like whatre u gonna do about it right but when i got back to the ashram thats when the learning experience came.. tarvo was outside and i was interrogating him like what're u doing outside so late and stuff and trying to walk back in and he asked if i still wanted to know what beauty is and he told me and he first asked why do i not think I'm beautiful and i said my hair and face and he said that doesn't matter, beauty is basically whats inside. he said a strong will in what i believe in and who i am is whats most beautiful. he said it comes naturally to me, I've lived with it all my life.. so its easy to ignore it and think of other things to think is not great.. he said just how ahead i am.. he likes me .. he likes our interactions.. I'm very disciplined and choose what i want in life and what i dont want and I'm good at making decisions.. thats what makes me beuaitufl he said.. and just how i am naturally.. like the things i say are so sexy.. like he said are u excited about this silent movie and i said yes I've been wanting to see something exotic lately and he said see there it is thats just so sexy to me and its just how i used the word exotic to describe a film and he said he likes my eyes bc it shows i am .. i forgot the word but its like caring about others and myself.. its a very caring word.. sincere ! and that they are sexy.. and he said a lot of experiencing things.. i said it was like i was talking to god.. he like knew why i had insecurities.. he said I'm so ahead of people my age.. i just got to pass all the heartache and pain that they will experience.. but its just such a little life I'm glad i can.. I am fucking great.. i like realize things and find things inspiring in him.. like this morning he had a book but it was a different book and its like damn this guy fucking reads a lot. like ALOT. thats probably why he has such  great vocabulary and good speaking skills. when i asked how does he have such great speaking skills he said he just feels everything and then verbalizes it.. he feels how everyone is feeling in the room then speaks.. like he said he’ll think of an orange and then sees how he feels having it around his space.. something very inspiring .. i think his purpose in my life is to inspire me , to teach me, to be  friend. bc although there is some attraction between us.. i am learning a lot from him and he is providing trmemdnous growth in my life.. I am fucking kick ass I'm only fucking 19 and he's 39 and he was saying we come from two different worlds but he likes me.. but after done talking i went in the kitchen a bit upset and confused bc its like well where do we stand i mean u said all these nice things to me and mentioned this woman of yours multiple times and its like hmm.. i spent almost two hours on karma yoga and its like well thats it..the lesson isn't in relationships.. its in the growth he is giving me.. his inspiration.. his insight.. all of it.. inspires and uplifts me.. same with jesse.. it is so hard for him to be in  my space bc i am so attracted to him.. but underneath it all.. i learn a lot from him. his vocabulary.. i want to understand him more too.. these men.. that i cant have.. they all teach me something... i guess thats why i am so attracted to them.. another thing tarvo pointed out is that wisdom never leaves.. and it is best to get it as early as i can and keep it.. and then i asked well what is wisdom and he pointed out there it goes again .. thats why he likes me .. and our interactions.. it was like a movie. two different people from two different worlds.. but our energies just click.. and our conversations are unique.. and i learn a lot.. he's out there smoking his cigarette and saying all these crazy things that only inspire me.. theres a lot more.. but in the end i am just inspired to be true to my self and do what i want in life. i want to major in music. i only have one life.. so dont waste it or my time.. who cares if i won't be some crazy performer.. ill teach it at the least.. but dammnit I'm studying something that interests me and everyone else can suck my ass. in fact. i am very intelligent. i dont want to waste time with men.. tarvo said the more i work and respect and love my self,, the better the men in m life will be.. basically the people who come into my life are kind of a reflection of me.. but damn it i do want to work on myself and be this bad ass chick. I AM A BAD ASS CHICK DAMN IT> and its inly getting better. i also thought about how i always think in the future like oh someday ill be a better speaker or oh someday ill make people feel this way about me but dammnit no its NOW. right now that is happening.. today this morning chris says he loves being in my energy.. its so laid back and honest and he said better things but i cant remember.. damn it why cant i remember .. oh I'm doing so much more for myself now.. I'm listening to my body.. I've been vegan for like a week now.. today and yesterday i kind of splurged on over eating bc i got my EBT card.. but I'm recognizing it and fixing it.. i am fucking smart. i am so in tuned and I'm writing down more how i feel about things.. Feel things.. today I've been in bed from like 3am to 6 pm and half of it was sleeping and i spent a few hours just being depressed.. thinking i have an ugly face bc of my acne and nasty hair.. i disliked it all...but i grabbed the guitar and started playing and eventually i played my feelings out.. and thought damn.. ya this is the shit i want to learn.. bc i felt it.. i felt my feelings in the vibrations.. i thought, instead of being in my head with these insecurities,, i will be creative and play music. and i fucking did. i played a shit ton of music and it sounded so fucking good. I'm the fucking best. i am sick.......!>>!!>!! i am so cool.. and when i closed my eyes i really got in tune with the vibration and the noise.. i am using my time wisely now.. i thought a few days ago why waste time with someone who is not in love with me when i can be in love with other things.. and guitar came to mind. instead of spending time with worthless men in my life.. i am learning in guitar. in fact i see myself as this ultimate bad ass who just is so tuned with herself and music that nothing else (problems) MATTER. i can totally see it. I'm getting there. I'm the fucking best man. but ya I'm sick. recognize more of how beautiful i am. last night during karma yoga i thought instead of thinking of what i am not.. think of what i AM awesome yoga bitch in san frnaicso on her own killing the fucking game I'm only 19 whats up I'm super sick