#i have lots of friends. sure. and i trust them too. but it's not the kind of close where i can write to them when I've got a problem

[starkwlkr]

the sound of my voice will haunt you | mark webber

part 1 part 2

Grace sat in a chair watching you and Mark talk. She was so bored that she started to imagine herself as you. She found a head set and slipped them over her ears. While she played pretend, you were facing reality talking with Mark.

“Does she know about me?” Mark asked.

“She only knows your name. I never talked to her about you. Why would I? You threw it all away so easily, Mark. You broke my heart.” You snapped at him. You had to calm yourself since your daughter was just a few feet away.

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness and the amount of times I say I’m sorry isn’t going to fix it.”

“If this is you telling me you want to be in Grace’s life, you have no right.”

Mark knew that. It absolutely broke him that he had a daughter and he couldn’t be with her, but he had fucked it all up. He looked over at the young girl and saw how she played with the head set. She was a miniature version of you.

“I know and I won’t ask for forgiveness of any kind, not from you or Grace. You’ve done an amazing job raising her.” He continued. “Maybe one day you could tell her about me? If not, i understand.”

“As if you told anyone about me in your book. Mark, I did everything for you. I got in trouble for driving you to races, my parents almost took away my keys! I worked day and night in a shitty restaurant, I almost missed my own graduation because of you! A little note would’ve been nice, but it’s as if I never existed in your world. It hurt me.” You held back tears. Suddenly you’re a teenager again hearing all the loud yelling coming from your parents for driving Mark to his races.

“I didn’t think you wanted me to mention you at all. . . ” He said quietly.

“You’re my past now, I would love to stay away from the past. So when you do attend any of the upcoming races and Grace is here, don’t talk to her. It would be better if she didn’t know about you. Please.” You stated.

My own daughter won’t know about me

Mark understood. It would be better after all.

“Okay.” Was all he managed to say. He nodded and lanced one last time at Grace. “Goodbye.”

Before he could leave, Grace looked at him. She wondered why he looked sad. “Why are you sad? Is your favorite team not winning?” She asked Mark.

“Grace. . . It’s time to go.” You hoped Mark wouldn’t start a conversation, but he did. Of course he was making it harder for you.

“Actually, I used to drive for the team that’s winning and I was okay for a number two driver.” Mark crouched down to talk to Grace.

“Did you win lots of races?” She asked.

Mark let out a chuckle. “I won nine races.”

Grace gasped. “My dad won nine races too!”

At that moment, you wished you were anywhere else. Why couldn’t Mark just leave? Why did Grace have to be nice to everyone and be so curious? And why did you tell Grace that her dad was a driver?

“Your dad? He drives?” Mark questioned.

Grace nodded. “Well I think he doesn’t anymore. Mom said my dad was a driver and that he won nine races, but that’s all I know. I had to make a school project about my family and I asked mom about my dad. Do you know my dad?”

Before Mark could reply, you stepped in. “Sweetheart, it’s time for him to leave. Come on, we’ll get ice cream on the way back.”

“Bye!” Grace waved to the unknown man as you grabbed her hand and walked away from Mark.

He felt a little okay knowing his daughter knew something about him. Maybe one day you would change your mind and let Grace know the truth.

MIAMI 2024

Mark wouldn’t see you or Grace until the Miami Grand Prix. He honestly didn’t feel like even going, but Oscar insisted. At least he wasn’t going to be alone, Jenson was also going, but the British man would be conducting interviews. He kept busy looking at his phone until found him in the Mclaren hospitality. He wasn’t sure why you were even looking for him in the first place.

“Can you look after Grace? My friend couldn’t make it and she was the only person I trust to look after her. I wouldn’t ask if I had another option.” You sighed.

“Yeah, I’ll take care of her.” Mark nodded, putting his phone away. “Where is she?”

“She’s with Oscar in his driver’s room. Just please don’t mention the obvious.” You demanded.

“I won’t, but can I ask one thing?” He stared at your eyes that he still loved after many years. “Why did you tell Grace that her dad won nine races and that he was a driver? You could’ve lied.”

You didn’t want to lie to your daughter, you just couldn’t so you told her part of the truth. Technically, you didn’t think she would even meet Mark ever.

“I can’t lie to her. She knows when I’m lying anyways.” You said.

“What’s her favorite color?” Mark suddenly asked. “I want to know at least some stuff about her so I can talk to her. What if she gets bored halfway through the race?”

You hesitated even telling Mark, but you did anyway. “Her favorite color changes everyday, but today it’s purple. She loved coloring with chalk, she wants to have a puppy and name it Goose like the character from Top Gun, her favorite book series is Junie B. Jones and she tells everyone that she’s tall for her age.” You listed several things.

Mark smiled as he listened to you. “Top Gun? We watched Top Gun on our first date, you know?”

“You’re so annoying.”

You and Mark walk back to the Mclaren garage, which obviously made several people confused. Were you back together? No, you couldn’t be . . . right? By the time the race was close to starting, photos of you and Mark were everywhere. Even Sebastian had texted Jenson wondering about you and Mark.

Grace was sitting next to Mark when the race began. She occasionally glanced at him then grabbed his paddock pass and read his name.

“You’re here with Oscar?” She asked.

Mark nodded. “I’m his manager.”

“So you’re like his dad when his dad is not here?”

“That’s one way to put it.” He chuckled. “Your mum told me you like want a puppy.”

Grace’s eye lit up with joy. “Yes! The puppy is going to be named Goose and they’re going to sleep in my bed.”

Mark hardly payed attention to the race. He kept asking questions in hopes that he could learn more about her. Once in a while, you would look back only to see Mark and Grace laughing.

“One time, my mom almost lost her necklace because she was dancing too hard to her favorite song. It fell and we looked everywhere for it but we couldn’t see it because it was a small letter. But I found it!” Grace said which made Mark question if it was the same necklace that he had given you years ago.

“What letter was it?”

“I think it was M?”

The ‘M’ necklace was a gift from Mark on your first anniversary. It was old, but you couldn’t bring yourself to get rid of it. If anyone asked what the M stood for, you lied saying it was your middle name or for someone in your family.

“Does your mum always wear it?” Mark asked.

“Not anymore. But I think it’s pretty.” Grace replied. “Your name starts with M!”

All Mark did was nod.

The race had finished and soon you were back to your daughter. She had told you how Mark has dogs and invited her to meet them.

“Grace, can you go sit over there for a little while? I need to talk to Mark.” You pointed to the seat that she was sitting during the race. She obeyed and now it was just you and Mark. “Thank you. I really hope she wasn’t too much to handle.”

Mark shook his head. “She’s very talkative when it comes to her favorite things. She’s a great kid.” He debated whether to tell you about the necklace story that Grace had told him. Finally, he decided he would keep that to himself.

“I wanted you to hear this from me instead of the media. I’m leaving the team after this season.” You said only loud enough for him to hear.

“But you’ll be back, right? I mean the team is doing well, Lando just won his first ever race, obviously it could’ve been better for Oscar, but you are the heart and soul of this team.” Mark could see a frown forming on your face.

“I love this team, but it’s time for me to be a mom. Grace needs me, Mark. I already told Zak and it’s final. They’ll announce my departure soon. Thanks again for looking after Grace, this is the last time you’ll see her.”

He was glad that he could at least spend some time with Grace. She was a joy to be around. Their time together was something Mark would cherish forever.

For the rest of the 2024 season, Mark stopped calling you the Mclaren team principal and, instead, used your name. He praised you, gave you the credit you deserved and defended you any time. Mark had even made a statement about the person who had leaked the information about you and him when he talked with Fernando. It was rumored that a photographer had leaked it. He knew nothing was going to change, but he needed to correct his wrongs. It all started with an instagram post about you.

INSTAGRAM

(this is just for fanfic purposes, you can use any faceclaim)

liked by oscarpiastri, f1 and 837,377 others

aussiegrit everyone i meet will have to know you, to understand me. anyone that truly knows me, knows your name.

comments are limited

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#formula 1 #f1 x reader #formula 1 imagine #f1 imagine #f1 x you #mark webber x reader #mark webber imagine #mark webber fanfic #mark webber #mclaren team principal!reader #f1 instagram au #f1 one shot #f1 fanfic

[llamagoddessofficial]

hello llama

i have been thinking and headcanoning about vampire bad sanses lately, so i was curious if you have any thoughts about or interest in vampires of the nightmare and crew variety? (人 •͈ᴗ•͈)

"do i have interest in vampires", he asks

ok, i will share my extensive vampire brainrot. but in return..... you have to write that vampire fic.... oooOOooO look into my eyes you know you want to write it ooOoOooo 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I very much like the idea of Nightmare's castle being Castlevania-style. Lots of spooky architecture, lots of ancient magical passages that haven't been seen in centuries.

Horror can be summed up in one word. Bloodlust. There's a constant hunger inside him he can't ever seem to fill, driving him almost to the point of madness. He is more beast than man. When he smells or tastes blood, he loses control of himself, becoming little more than a starving wild animal - his capability for slaughter is limited only by his appetite. So unless Nightmare requires it, he generally abstains from blood. He doesn't like losing himself so entirely.

Something about you makes him forget his hunger. Is it your voice? Your scent? He has no idea, but oh, it feels good to feel whole. When you're around it's as if he'll never be hungry again... he follows you like a dog, grinning intensely every time you look at him. This is one hound that can't be shaken.

Despite his 'condition', he finds a lot of solace in cooking. Nothing will give him the same drug-like rush as blood but human food is nonetheless warm and filling and distracts him momentarily from the emptiness. He enjoys the process of making it, too, doing something with his hands. Let him cook for you, please? Watching you eat brings him vicarious joy.

Dust's backstory is one of legend. Something resembling a story can be spun from the loose whispers. A vampire invaded his peaceful isolated village hundreds of years ago, intending to turn the helpless populace into enslaved vampires. Dust, the first to be bitten, turned and slaughtered them all himself - and despite being a vampire for barely a week, the equivalent of a stumbling newborn, he killed the centuries-old invading vampire in single combat.

No one's quite sure why he's joined Nightmare. Perhaps Nightmare was keen to take this uniquely violent creature under his wing, and Dust just didn't really care where the wind took him. Or perhaps he has some other motive, hidden beneath that silent face. Who knows.

... Dust might be quiet, but it's obvious he's fixated on you. Which is a big deal. This is a creature who hasn't mustered a second thought for anything but blood for decades; but somehow, you've excited him. He's very clearly interested in you, silently watching your every move, listening intently to every word you say. Too bad he's not much for conversation.

Killer's backstory, on the other hand, is shrouded entirely in mystery. No one knows where he came from, who he is, or what he's done. He simply appeared one day - right within the coveted inner circle of Nightmare himself. He's the Night King's most trusted weapon, and the closest thing he has to a friend.

Killer seems very clear about what he wants. He thinks you're adorable, and he says you'd make such a pretty vampire. He talks (at length) about how much he wants to bite you, and how if it were up to him you'd already be one of them. A lot of his flirting involves calling you things like sweet treat and honeyblood. However... despite all the taunting, all the talk of seeing you as food, Killer is the one in the castle who treats you with the most respect. The others seem to see you as an object, a cute toy, something to squish and own. Killer talks to you like you're a real person. You can't help but like him for it.

Nightmare's inferiority complex has driven him to declare himself the king of the vampires. No one contests - Nightmare is royalty by blood, and vampires place a lot of emphasis on blood. But even if he wasn't, Nightmare frequently murders those who won't bend the knee. Plenty of powerful vampires have fallen embarrassingly fast at his hand.

... Nightmare's goal is to make you agree to be his spouse. A pretty little human partner would be excellent for his image. It would not only demonstrate his incredible self control as such an ancient vampire (not to mention his control over his warriors), but it would also show that his power is so great he doesn't need to strike a political marriage with another powerful vampire. It might also convince some of the pesky rebellious human groups to settle down.

His pride means that he won't force you. Not yet, at least. He likes to think he can seduce you. He's a royal vampire, after all, and you're just a simple human - isn't it only a matter of time?

... But it seems like, as time goes on... he's the one falling.

#llamagines #whatever you do don't think about you accidentally cutting your finger and triggering horror's bloodlust #don't think about the other vampires rushing in and trying to restrain him in a panic. but even the three of them can't hold him back #don't picture him pinning you with his jaws wide open... #then don't imagine him freezing. tears beginning to fall out of his sockets as he draws you into his arms #dont think about him pressing his teeth against your throat but not biting #almost as if he wants to feel your pulse so he knows youre alive and he hasnt hurt you without realising #don't think about how he seems just as confused and scared as you are #ok thank you for not thinking abt that

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for lying to my friends and causing someone to end their life?

🫐☎️🧼 

So I can find this later

Trigger warning for suicide. 

In this situation I'm aware I fucked up badly multiple times, but I want to know for sure whether I was in the wrong. I went through the FAQ to check that this submission is okay and sorry if there's something disqualifying it I didn catch!

I (minor) was active in an online group where I made some online friends. The group was for preteens, teens, and very young adults (13-21.) I befriended one person, Blueberry (fake name, because emoji) and we became close over a few months. At one point they admitted they had a crush on me I didn't feel the same, but we agreed to stay friends and it didn't affect the friendship.

One thing about this group is that it was aimed at mental health. Me and this person had similar problems with depression and suicidal thoughts (both actively suicidal) and often talked when one of us was in a dark place. When Blueberry turned 18 things took a turn for the worst. Multiple times a week they had panic attacks (they were in the process of getting diagnosed with OCD and bad intrusive thoughts) or crisis and attempted several times. I got overwhelmed. Instead of establishing a boundary like I should have, I started ghosting them for a few hours if it got too bad. It got to the point I'd log on once or twice a day to check in, but instead of ever chatting, the conversation always ended in their next plan to kill themselves. This one was my fault, as we'd had casual convos about this stuff in the main group. I and others did what we could to help, like providing support and helplines. Blueberry did contact many and it saved them lots. 

By this point Blueberry had done lots of other risky stuff. They lashed out and blocked a lot of mutual friends, made a fake account to pretend to be a young teen at one point (but deleted it when I asked), and other things. I didn't want to lose them as a friend so I covered for Blueberry when it was exposed. I should point out Blueberry was never mean to me they were really nice. They liked to learn about my interests and complimented me and others lots and I tried to do the same (learn about what they liked, tell them I was happy to hear from them, etx)

Obviously people of the group felt betrayed when they found out Blueberry was catfishing them as this younger teen. In Blueberry's own words, I was "the only one they could trust." Blueberry admitted again that they wanted to be more than friends, but since they were now 18 and I was still a few years younger than them I asked to just be friends because the age gap was uncomfy. They were okay with it. The next day, Blueberry said goodbye to me and deleted their account. I was really upset by this and we talked one last time where I wished them well and said how much I'd miss them but didn't think something was seriously wrong because Blueberry and me had discussed them leaving the group before because it was hurting their mental health. 

Later a friend of both Blueberry and me reached out about their behavior the days before they left and some conversations I hadn't seen. All of us are pretty sure they didn't just delete their account—they killed themself. The goodbye message proved this. I was upset and angry that they were dead, said sorry to the group for lying to them about Blueberry catfishing, and left the group.

I think I may be the asshole here because I was really selfish here in not wanting to address Blueberry's really creepy catfishing (pretending to be a young teen, which knowing that they had romantic feelings for me could have led to them befriending people lots younger than them which is bad) because I didn't want to lose the friendship, and also because if I hadn't ghosted Blueberry using mental health as an excuse I don't think they would have killed themselves. If I am the asshole here, what could I do better next time if I have a similar problem again? 

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw

[vasito-de-leche]

Do you have any specific queer headcannons of r1999 characters if so which ones and why?

I wrote a bunch of stuff for this post but then tumblr fucked me up and reloaded without saving it so here we are..... rewriting it all over again ... OAUGH. usually I default to seeing everyone as Vaguely Bisexual and Not Cis until stated otherwise, but you asked for specifics so here we go!

6 is aromantic or demiromantic.

On one hand, it's because I love projecting on my faves. On the other hand, it's because he genuinely doesn't feel like the type of person to be interested in relationships. But this isn't something that's tied to any potential disgust, repulsion or even trauma related to his Revelation and struggle against fate -- to me, 6 just doesn't feel romantic attraction. At the very least, nothing strong enough to consider pursuing. It's not in his priorities. I really dislike this specific thing that fandoms do in which every single character who is introverted, or who happens to be alone/isolated (either by chance or by choice) is secretly lonely, touch starved, pining and desperate for attention and romantic love. It feels like such a huge disrespect for their equally important platonic or familial relationships. 6 already holds a lot of love for his own community and his childhood friends, a type of affection that is shown in his subtle and unique ways. I like it when his character focuses on those aspects instead!

Mesmer Jr. is aromantic and asexual.

In her case, she's the opposite of 6. Mesmer Jr.'s trauma and OCD is much too intense for her to even consider the idea of an emotional or physical bond with anyone. She's disgusted at the idea of touching others so casually, and she's afraid at the possibility of allowing a person (someone she logically cannot have any control over) into her life because what if they throw her off her schedule? What if they mess every meticulous thing she's planned for herself and her mental stability? What if she loses her grip? Yes, it's plausible that she may find a partner who works perfectly with the way she needs things to be, and yes, you can headcanon that she heals and her OCD becomes "manageable" enough to have a stable relationship, but personally? I just like it when characters don't get to have stereotypical happy endings in which everything gets better through love and friendship and support -- like, yeah everyone loves to see their faves happy and all but eh... It's a bit of projection on my part! Some people don't get to heal and do all the things their disabilities prevented them from doing, even if we're given all this support and love. Some of us just have to find ways around these things, anything that works for us that makes our lives easier.

Sweetheart is queer but has a complex relationship with love. In a somewhat similar vein, Blonney has gone through every single letter of the LGTBQ+ community.

I tried my best to explain my thoughts on Sweetheart but at this point she deserves her own post because it's honestly a LOT, this single part was just too long so I cut it out entirely. Just trust me when I say she's queer and has a very complex relationship with love. In Blonney's case, we discussed the possibility of her being written as comphet and it got me to think a little about her. I see Blonney as the type of girl who presents as a straight bimbo, following the themes of her character and all, but who has constant crisis after crisis in the privacy of her bedroom, the only place she's allowed to be more than just a blondie. This constant journey questioning her orientations and gender happens entirely in her head and in private. I like to think that she just has these long monologues in her head. Sure, she's identified as straight her whole life, but maybe bisexual works better because there was that one girl she kept meeting under the bleachers. Oh, but maybe she's a lesbian, since all her boyfriends are just huge disappointments and none of them ever make her truly happy. Oh, but maybe that's just because she has bad taste in men, there was that one guy in class who keeps making her laugh after all. Ahh, this would be so much easier if she were a guy, her femininity is mostly performative after all. Ah, but she actually really loves pink and fashion... Nonbinary then? No, she's not the type to pick something so vague, it's one or the other. Oh, how about both? Genderfluid! Etc etc. If you ask her about how she identifies, she'll simply brush you off with a "What's it to you? That's none of your business, creep!" and move on, but this is something very personal to her. So far, she knows she likes being femme presenting and that she likes Jessica!

Eagle is a trans girl.

Have you guys seen those posts going around tumblr about how important it is that trans women exist because they fight for their own womanhood and girlhood in a world that constantly looks down upon feminine things and all women as a whole? Yeah. Yeah. Eagle being a scout that fights so hard to prove herself, the feelings of not belonging into the Boy Scouts and seeing how the Girl Scouts are created eventually, a space for her. The fact that she visits her father's grave so that he can see her grow up.

Kaalaa Baunaa, Oliver Fog, Medicine Pocket and Melania are probably bisexual, but they're super busy with work so they don't have time to address that.

Self-explanatory <3 I do like to think that Kaalaa and Medpoc are more chill about it, Kaalaa because she's a grown ass woman who is very mature, and Medpoc because they genuinely give no fucking shits about dating in general, so who cares about confirming whether they're bisexual or not. Oliver Fog is a little more flustered at the idea of exploring his orientation and whatnot, but it's tolerable. BUT MELANIA? I LOVE to think that she's FULLY aware that the MOMENT she acknowledges her bisexuality, she will have a crisis and then what will she do? She has 3 papers due next week and a heist this weekend, she can't possibly sit there wondering about liking girls! She's got things to do!

And here's the extra round of HCs that don't require that much text to explain or that lean towards being more silly!

Eternity has literally outlived the concept of gender. She/They royalty.

37 has QRPs instead. It Just Works. No one but herself and her partners understand the dynamics, though. As god intended <3

APPLe is a raging bisexual and has been spotted in many gay bars. Regulus is also bisexual.

The world would've been a better place if Bette was a butch lesbian.

Balloon Party and An-An Lee play with gender like its playdough.

Baby Blue is Not Cis and she's Not Straight either because none of that shit matters to her anymore, since she's been disconnected from reality and society for so long. She also doesn't care about labelling herself.

Diggers is trans, but no one can figure out which way exactly. It doesn't help that he refuses to clarify either. The same thing happens with John Titor, except she's very vocal about being a transwoman.

Bunny Bunny is bisexual but she hasn't realized this yet. In similar fashion, Horropedia is bisexual but he just forgets about it sometimes.

Druvis III as a trans woman goes hand in hand with Forget Me Not as a gay man. This is why they're both super divorced.

Leilani is pansexual because she prefers the colors of that specific flag over the bisexual one. Spathodea is pansexual because the personal distinction between pansexuality and bisexuality matters to her.

Tennant is bisexual because she can scam and seduce more people that way.

The Fool is nonbinary. Mf should've been born in the 2020's, I just KNOW he would've loved mirrorgender.

Zima is in the closet not out of shame but out of safety. Just in case.

Sotheby assumes that every girl in the world likes girls. So far no one has been able to prove her wrong because all she does is interact with other sapphic girls.

Pavia is nonbinary out of spite. But I also love transguy Pavia HCs so so so much, give that guy boobs, he would never get top surgery <3

Vertin is nonbinary too but she doesn't care about people knowing about it. She does, however, make the effort to be a little androgynous, as a treat for herself.

Madam Z and Katz absolutely had a Situationship going on during university. Katz was bicurious and Madam Z helped her experiment. Now the Situationship is between Madam Z and Constantine, the latter using Madam Z as a rebound after fumbling her relationship with Vertin's mother <- the machinations in my brain will astonish you.

TTT is genderfluid by virtue of being a picture on a TV, so I like to think she can just shift her appearance. In similar fashion, gender means nothing to Alien T and Voyager because they're aliens.

I specifically love the idea of all of the 1.2 gang joking about how Tooth Fairy is their token straight adult figure -- she's actually bi and asexual, but likes to keep that to herself so the kids can make their little jokes and have fun.

Enigma is gay and homophobic because his self-loathing is just that strong.

Turns out that the push Click needed to explore his own sexuality was getting killed on the battlefield, so now he's free to be gay. perhaps bicurious.

#reverse 1999 #reverse: 1999 #reverse 1999 headcanons #in my mind ezra is the token straight cis guy of the suitcase #but if you leave him for a few months with the gang hes eventually gonna realize that being nonbinary is banger actually

[biggest-geo-oogami-enjoyer]

Hello, I just wanted to tell you that I love how you write!!!!...and I was wondering if I could ask for Geo x friendly reader with everyone, only if it is possible 🙌

Serenity within Camaraderie (Geo x Friendly and Kind! MC/Reader)

Hope you enjoy Anon! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

- Signed by biggest-geo-oogami-enjoyer

Camaraderie: mutual trust and friendship among people who spend a lot of time together.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were possibly one of the most amiable people to have ever lived.

You were kind, respectful, honest, sweet.

You treated everyone well...you made people feel hopeful, calm, content.

It wasn't for show either.

Your heart was gilded and gold, opulent and adorned with angels. Like you. You were an angel.

In Geo's cold, hardened heart, you were like a flame.

Hot tongues that wrapped around his frozen soul, warming it until the ice and numbness melted away.

When Crowe first introduced you to the group, Geo was sceptical.

Nobody was simply nice for the sake of it, there had to be an aim, a desire, a goal involved. (He has no self-worth)

He reacted more hostile to you in the beginning, he wanted you to leave, to have that stupid niceness leave.

He wanted you to avoid him, hell, even insulting him would make more sense.

Kindness? Showing him respect and caring for him because he fucking exists? His bullshit detector is blaring.

Will try and sus out anything remotely strange that you do, trying to see if you have ulterior motives...

Well, until he asks you. Maybe with a bit of an underlying threat. "What's your motive." "My what?" "Nobody is as nice and polite as you without wanting something." "I mean...yeah. I guess." "So what're you after? Money, influence-" "I just wanna be friends Geo! Jeez!"

After a while, Geo does notice how charmingly sweet you are.

No matter who it may be, you always treated people with kindness, with respect. You made people at ease with your friendliness.

So he starts to accept that might just be your nature.

You treat people the way you want to be treated, with kindness, love and respect.

Then he slowly starts to realise how popular you are.

And...well...he dislikes it.

Your attention is elsewhere, is it not? Always trying to help out others, trying to support and be the pillar for the skies that are the student body.

Geo wanted you to stick with the group, to stick with him.

He'd never confess that of course, but he would try to use his reputation and intimidation to slowly get people away from you, much to your dismay.

You often grew sad when people pushed you away, telling them that they simply were too busy for you.

Well, except his group, along with his stupid brother and his friend.

So, despite his plans working, he decides to let you be as long as he his group are your priority.

Your favourites.

Your best friends.

He wants you to get attached, because then you won't go.

You won't abandon him for the hundreds of other people whom adore and cherish you.

And soon, you don't.

You hang out with the group, you grow close to Brittney, Jess and Deryl, before slowly worming your way further into his gelid, stone heart.

He fears the effect you have, he fears what would happen if his stoic facade were to collapse under the weight of your benevolence.

He doesn't think he deserves to be cared for by you...but alas, you continue to be your amiable self.

You tell him things about your day, while he is slowly panning out all the priceless nuggets of information that he has on you.

He will eventually start being more open to you.

Well, as open as Geo can be.

But you don't mind, you're just happy he wants to talk to you.

And it warms his heart bit by bit.

Seeing your smile when you wave to him.

He wants more. And he'll get more.

Will he eventually realise his feelings? Debatable.

But he does care for you, and if you happen to like him back? He'll accept. Quietly. "So...uh...wanna. Ehem, uh. Do you wanna hang out...some...sometime?" "Fine...sure."

He will be a bit caught off guard. And frankly, can you blame him? He's never been loved a day in his life.

But you're gonna change that. Bit by bit.

And slowly, your warmth, your kindness, your friendliness cracks Geo(de)'s cold exterior more and more. Until little cracks form, and from those cracks you see slits of a beautiful heart of gold, one filled with love, but frozen under endless layers of 'security'.

You'll make sure he relearns, that he understands that he's perfect the way he is.

And he'll slowly, after a long time, start to believe it.

#reminder that geo is superior #tkatb #tkatb vn #geo subaru oogami #geo oogami #tkatb x reader #the kid at the back #i'm sorry for how long you had to await anon

[laylajeffany]

Heya ! ^^ Another amazing chapter =w=b

I was wondering about something. There is a lot of hospital scenes and stuff in Chaos and Karma with all the themes of disability and mental & physical health related issues, and like the rest of your writing, it's all written in depth, which I love, but with hospital stuff, it seems even more so.

I was wondering if you pull from your own experience with some of that stuff ? If it's too personal, don't feel obliged to go into details, please.

Cheers,

Thank you! It took me a minute to get chapter two started, but once I did, I was able to fly through it. I might have accidentally started something new today that I'm accidentally almost 10k into, though so...um, not sure when chapter three will be out! 🤭 Shh, don't tell my beta. She's going to kill me.

Answer behind the cut about my experiences - long winded, OF COURSE!!

I have two degrees in special education that I refuse to put on my current teaching license for a myriad of reasons. The tl;dr is because I believe in including students with special needs in my general education classroom. I firmly believe that young students are generally not given a chance to "assume competency" as the awful phrase has been coined, and districts have gotten away with this through bypassing the Least Restrictive Environment mandate by citing the importance of Early Intervention due to a lack of government-funded seats in early childhood education, not because it is best practice. Therefore, they are often funneled by "Child Find" teams who assess children for disabilities that could impact their education, directly into self-contained classrooms without ever having had the opportunity to be in a general education classroom. Unfortunately, public education is hanging on with paperclips and rubber bands that have continued to be stretched to capacity more and more over the last decade I've been working in the system. We lack the resources and staff competency for inclusion to be properly done in most settings. I have made it work for the last few years very successfully, but it unfortunately doesn’t continue for these kids beyond my classroom. Lately, I wonder if I’m causing more harm than good by giving them one very good year of unprecedented growth by being a "highly effective," intuitive educator, surrounding them with their peers, and providing them with full-time access to general education curriculum. I then have to hand them off to be tortured by K-12 teachers who refuse to even attempt to accommodate these children (which is illegal), and continue to get away with it until they have enough “data” to prove that the children “don’t belong” in their classrooms. (The lawyers have felt very differently about this, trust.) My assistant principal said in a meeting a few weeks ago, “The only real solution is for Ms. XX to be less effective at her job.” I am already doing the least. (I refuse to follow dress codes, show up late, leave early and don’t do anything that isn’t student-facing like nonsensical paperwork that is not legally required, show up for professional development, meetings, after school activities, or anything outside of my contract hours that doesn't have an extra check attached to it, etc.) My next step is to quit - and I am 100% leaving this district after next year; I’m not sure if I’ll be going to a new one or trying something new after. The other work I'm doing surrounding this is too political & identity revealing to discuss here, but just know - I'm not just bitching about it, I am actively trying to make inclusion work.

Other than that, inspiration for my hospital scene settings comes from growing up. I watched family and extended family members die in hospitals from some form of cancer to the point where death barely affects me anymore. The worst of it was in university, a friend developed stage four brain cancer that spread in weeks from one scan to a next, and we spent the second half of the semester at the hospital to be with her when we could; becoming unfortunately familiar with neurology and the ICU. I had a very interesting conversation about this with my uncle this year, who said that his parents ‘kept him from death’ until he was an adult and now processes death so poorly that twelve years after my grandma died, he JUST got rid of the house that was empty the entire time. I’m not sure if it helps/hurts to expose children to death and dying early. I find my self generally numb to death as an adult, and see the human condition as temporary with a fierce acceptance that it will inevitably end, sometimes when we expect it, and sometimes not. Also - I was a rabid House, MD fan from 2004-2009, lol (Jennifer Morrison was one of my lesbian awakenings). I have rewatched seasons 1-4 at least ten times each and recognize this is not a realistic look at the world of medicine as a whole, but I feel like it did at least make me understand hospitals and medical procedures/testing a little. I actually wanted to be an OBGYN until I was a junior in an evangelical high school and was sent to take some state testing for college admissions, and discovered my scientific knowledge was like that of a third grader due to Christian-based science instruction I had K-12, so pretty much threw that dream out the window when I realized I likely wouldn’t catch up with what would be required of me at the university level. “Who are we to question god’s earthly miracles?” Was a valid response from our educators when asking a question about science. 

#ask #personal #layla answers fic questions #but this one is mostly personal experience and education related

[pinnithin]

enver gortash fascinates me from the perspective of his relationship with the dark urge because like, as far as i know his alliance with them is one of the very few he didn’t actively despise. the guy was sold into slavery by his own parents (who tried to justify it by saying their child was a hateful monster and anyone would have done the same) and spent his formative years employed by a devil who gets off on gratuitous levels of suffering and manipulation. and then once he's escaped that and built himself up so he can never be used and enslaved again he meets this bhaalspawn who also had to adapt and survive a violent and manipulative environment for years by becoming the monsters who raised them.

gortash sees how the dark urge has risen to command armies and slaughter hundreds in the same way he outfoxed raphael and ruthlessly controls the people in his employ, and after earning and owning his reputation as a tyrant heres another person who might actually have like, a shared lived experience. not exactly a friend, because people like them can't afford to have friends, but someone who at least understands. and he willingly works with them on this plan to enslave the sword coast and agrees to share power with them.

and then orin lobotomizes them, puts a tadpole in their head, and leaves them for dead at moonrise.

like, can you imagine. youre working with the first person you see eye to eye with and prooooobably arent plotting to actively sabotage (or, at least would hesitate to do so) and the rug just gets yanked out from under them by their own sister, and now you're stuck with her because the plan still has to move along. and as the days go by a group of adventurers start to screw up your plot right when baldur's gate is within your grasp, and you learn that among them is your old almost-friend who you actually liked and respected - and they have no memory of you whatsoever. oh, and on top of that they're rolling with people you've actively fucked over and want to kick your ass.

did it hurt for him to learn this? did he ever think about how things could have been different? did he think, you were supposed to be my ally, my friend, someone who actually understands that becoming a monster is the only way to keep yourself safe and in control. we were going to rule together. and now you're ride or die with this squad of people you've only known for a few weeks at best, and you want me dead. you don't even remember me. you don't even remember yourself.

#thinking about it from my durge's perspective hurts kinda #because losing their memory is the only thing that freed them enough to trust the people around them #and after meeting gortash and learning their history - and how they used to be friends #they probably thought a lot about how things could have been different if there wasnt a literal elder brain under his enslavement #like man if you werent actively in the way of saving the literal world maybe we could have talked about this #if i can overcome a lifetime of senseless slaughter and learn to love i wonder if you can too #but we'll never know #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #the dark urge #enver gortash #im sure someone has talked about this already but ive just been thinking about it a lot ig #the what-if-ness of it all #long post #pin talks #bg3 gortash

[winepresswrath]

hi! i always love your MDZS/CQL takes; can i ask what are the questions you think CQL is asking, as compared to MDZS?

I haven't actually revisited either canon in ages, which is making me nervous. what questions the novel is interested in can be pretty contentious all on its own! @mikkeneko has an excellent answer in the notes here which I reccomend to everyone. My own thoughts are honestly pretty scattered- I keep on deleting things and going hm, that's not quite right.

So, for the obvious-to-me example, people reasonably zero in on the creation of innocent doctors/radish farmers who Wen Ruohan is holding hostage. In CQL it's easy to infer that Wen Qing and Wen Ning are maybe the only cultivators and almost certainly the only combatants among the Wen remnants, and their status is much more ambiguous in the novel, which I personally think is asking, essentially, "and so what? were they wrong to run, when they had a chance? Do they deserve what Jin Guangshan will do to them if they go back? Aren't they just people, actually?" Whereas the question that CQL is asking is more to the effect of "What does Wen Qing owe these people, when she is their only defence? What is she entitled to do to save them, at other people's expense? If she fucks up that moral calculus, what then? Does it matter if she's personally fond of some of the outsiders who are going to get hurt? If one of them saved her brother? Later, this question will flip to what Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng, and the parallel to Jiang Cheng's situation in particular is, I think, genuinely pretty fun. You're giving up the Wen as soldiers who've laid down their arms in exchange for Wen Qing also grappling with leadership and the question of how many horrors she can stand to look the other way on to protect her own people. one reason I keep deleting so much is that a lot cql's changes were motivated at least in part by censorship, which I think we mostly share a general and justified distaste for! but I also think that within the bounds of that censorship the creative team put a lot of work into actually doing something interesting with those changes. Or, for another example- nieyao! There's a much greater emphasis on the nmj-jgy relationship, it's unambiguously very close and they are clearly extremely important to one another, and I think that's because the cql team has a lot to say about love, trust, power, and the ways those things interact, and that reflects back on all of the other relationships in play, including Wangxian. Almost every time, when CQL chooses change a relationship they make the characters in question closer- that's true for Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji, for Wen Qing and the Yunmeng contingent, for Zixuan and Mianmian, and Huaisang and Meng Yao. It's even true for Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, who have a close and trusting relationship in first life! CQL puts a much greater emphasis on "all right, so you care, what next?" How do you choose someone and then choose to be good to them? What if there's a massive power disparity between you? What if you seriously disagree about your priorities and morals? How do you trust someone who's betrayed you? When is it a stupid choice to trust at all? How do you have faith that you know someone well enough for that trust to be meaningful?

for legal reasons i would like to specify that it's not that mdzs isn't interested in these problems. i do remember wangxian's literal trust fall. cql is asking these questions all the time about everyone. also for legal purposes i'm not suggesting that cql lwj and jc love each other. but! they establish a three month wartime partnership looking for wwx and then jc immediately drops him on wwx's say-so despite apparently having a positive enough opinion of him to tell wwx he thinks they should make up twice. lan wangji will later tell wwx he thinks he should loop jc in on the second flautist! these are people trying to navigate some kind of relationship/shared interest/community, as opposed to a hateful void. cql wants to say hey, how do you go about this? while I'm here and rambling cql also puts a lot of emphasis on wwx's connection to yunmeng and changes things up so instead of feeling alienated right before he leaves our last glimpse of him there is happily picking lotuses and playing with a kid! in both stories the narrative is asking who do you protect? who do you leave behind? can you ever get it back? but the angles are very different.

#why are there so many people who simultaneously argue that cql dumbs down mdzs and also that mdzs is the slow reveal of how wwx is a #perfect angel who has never done anything wrong in his life #being let down by everyone around him #surely you have to pick an option #but lan wangji and wei wuxian being close friends in the first life really does change everything #i have seen people (reasonably) be annoyed with this as an adaptation choice #but! i like this change a lot and i think they do interesting things with it #There's still a lot of emphasis on what makes them so particularly perfect for each other but imo moving Lan Wangji into the category of #people wwx loved in the first life #shifts the focus from #when will they get together #to #What it would take and what would they have to do for these people to have to do to have a successful partnership? #If loving someone is the first step what comes next? Who do I want to be to the people around me? #i love the focus on wwx's trust issues as trust issues! problems that he's had with lwj specifically before! #and the solution isn't just oh well lwj is perfectly trustworthy #though that's obviously part of it #wwx has to like. decide for himself to do some things differently this time around in order to reap the rewards of being really in it with #someone. and lwj does too! it's a journey they're on together #i have simply rambled in all directions i'm sorry anon

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[toytulini]

god I know this is like The Wrong Stance on AI. I know its not about whether the art is Real and Human or If It Has A Soul and how a lot of the arguments against it are the same bullshit arguments people made against digital art like I Know. I Knowwww. but god, I'm really sorry, not to post like one of those annoying poetry bloggers I cant stand (yall are valid, live your truth, theres nothing wrong with what you post I'm just a petty bitch who hates poetry. unless I dont hate it.)

But theres just something about the way AI art will almost certainly never be able to mimic the exact way my pencil leaves an indentation in the paper, the way some of the lines I can never fully erase cause I pressed too hard, theyll have to at least train them to draw with a physical pencil first, and sure, they could train it to draw with a pencil and even erase the exact same piece I drew, line for line, on a piece of paper with a robot arm powered by AI, but they can't replicate. idk. the lineage of lefty bitches in my family, and the way I grew up going through school with my entire left arm silver with graphite, from doodling on my schoolwork. not yet anyway. but I guess I do live for the day we make the ai sentient enough that we can traumatize it by giving it homework after kneecapping its executive functions so it copes by drawing a big tiddy lobster monster. sure

#toy txt post #reblogs OFF i dont trust yall to be normal with this one i do NOT want it getting notes #i posted part of this before in a chat to a friend but im feeling it again. so #i havent drawn my big tiddy lobster bitch in awhile i should draw her again #also yea SORRY im sure this is The Wrong Feeling To Have About AI but also sometimes im a little grateful that i dont think my style is #smth a lot of the ppl coding ai to make art find to be worth trying to replicate except maybe as like a fake progress shot on a piece #which is smth i used to be really insecure about. how unfinished all my art looks bc it isnt to the point i cant fucking watch #like speedpaints and shit bc i just start feeling stupidly insecure about all the points in the video where I Would Have Stopped and been #like. im not touching it anymore i dont want to ruin it #and ive been insecure about my inability to really do digital art with like a stylus and shit like the way i do it with a pencil #and i know that is just me needing to Practice it but being too frustrated by it #anyway i know its just a Tool and its Fine and the problem is the art theft and the labor problems of it but liiiiiiike #i just. #im sure there will be unique things and usages of ai as a tool and i genuinely hope that ppl can figure out a way to make one that isnr #isnt* just full of stolen content bc theres unique fuckin shit about like digital art programs u can write stupid poetry that you hate #about it. or stupid poetry that i hate. cos im the poetry hater. listen. i cant stress this enough: its fine. youre fine. keep posting your #poetry and reblogging shit that speaks to you. im just a Bitch okay Ignore Me #i should go draw bokrae like. eating a computer about this #the real reason for that graphics card shortage was bokrae ate them all when she was in the mood for a crunchy snack

[snixx]

mike wheeler in the fic I'm reading has exactly as much tact as I did in high school. what can I say sometimes you really do have to learn the hard way that you do not immediately ask your best friend who is also your soon-to-be ex's sibling "nothing's going to change between us no matter how much your sister and i hypothetically hate each other in the future right?" when you're LITERALLY still in the middle of your very messy breakup and they're furious at you secondhand because of #siblingsolidarity. not to mention he handled the break up itself like an ass like go off thank you author i love it truly the representation for us completely oblivious emotionally challenged idiots we're starved of otherwise NO ONE EVER GETS HOW STUPID WE CAN TRULY BE

#girlblogging.pdf #byler #mike wheeler i know what you are #willel #as someone who has a lot of mutual friends with my sister AND as someone friends with a lot of siblings #i obviously love all my friends to death and they love me but #if you have a choice. for future reference trust me do not befriend two siblings pick one if you must #it's an emotional shitshow for everyone involved #you have to give each of them exactly equal amounts of affection and love and everything all the time that's just the rule #you're an ass otherwise #also we will always pick each other over you even if you did nothing wrong #just know what you're in for when you befriend siblings okay it's not easy #you know my childhood ex best friend i keep posting about? we broke up over a fight she had with my sister #also my best friends are siblings and fighting with both of them because it was a both or neither situation in school was The Worst #i have like a zillion more stories just trust me okay #i love my sibling friends to pieces and the mutual friends i have with my sister and i wouldnt trade them for the world #but im sure as hell not befriending siblings simultaneously in the future #my sister and i are literally the tightest now too because our social circles barely overlap #anyway. that was another episode of me projecting way too hard onto byler fanfiction hope you enjoyed #vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com

[lexicog]

traitor to the cause forgets national holiday every year KILL HIM

#just realized i wrote may instead of marsh lmao. fuck it #trans day of visibility #trans day of eating food #tdov #tdov 2024 #transgender day of visibility #trans #transgender #lgbt #gay #my art #another year eh #still in pretransition purgatory (get me tf out!!!) #idk man past year's been bad. last time i showered was july i'm goin 9 months strong 9 months weak 9 months decrepit #i manage to go through the motions with not much else in the way of progress. eat sleap shit piss rinse reuse recycle #trans day of eating food is shaky too this year. just found out yesterday i can't eat a snack anymore that i've liked since i was a kid #discovered a new love for green beans though. everything in balance #with my living situation getting more unsafe i've been thinking a lot about asking my neighbor if i can stay with him and his family #cause i don't like... see people other than them anymore so i don't know anyone else i can ask lol #and maybe i can get my shit together and start transitioning if i get out..... it's the least i need to do anyways #at least i gotta ask if he would be willing to oversee my funeral in the event of it cause i do nnnnot trust my next of kin with that shit #go watch youtube “Protecting Trans Bodies in Death” by Caitlin Doughty. contains important info for anyone really but #especially so for the titular transengendered individual #write your will... OK? #it doesn't have to be a bummer do it with a friend make it a girls night boys night hotties sleepover #death mention cw #wish i had more to say on the topic this year that wasn't a downer. i'll see what the next year holds #and hey... if a guy like me isn't giving up a motherfucker like you sure as hell shouldn't... adios & bon voyage my compatriots. SALUTE

[wherela]

one of those crying in the shower kind of days

#my 'best friend' stood me up today #and by stood me up i don't mean canceled last minute i mean didn't show up and only responded to my calls and texts after 45 min #why? she was hanging out with some guy (she met him last week. he's not a christian.) and lost track of time #she's also initiated no contact with me over the last few weeks #the explenation was she thought i was busy with my thesis. as if you can't check in on someone when they're busy #she also gosted me for 3 days (like a month ago??) cause she was asked to share at student group and i couldn't go CAUSE I WAS SICK #I'm just so tired of it at this point #but it's also made me realise i dont really have any close friends #i have lots of friends. sure. and i trust them too. but it's not the kind of close where i can write to them when I've got a problem #like maybe I'd tell them live if they asked me? but I wouldn't really write to them it would just be weird #and so who do I tell that I met S's parents yesterday and even though so many things have happened since then already thats the only one #I can think about???? or that he actually CALLED ME afterwards specifically to tell me what they thought of our church #or that his mom apparently asked him if our relationship was still weird and he said 'yes' and I've been overthinking it cause i thought we #were finally okay and normal and genuinely just friends? #or that his mom said my look is that i dress vintage and it made me SO HAPPY!! that's my look!!! that's how I'm recognisable!!! #the answer is nobody. i have no one to tell :( #mine #s #I'm sorry I guess I had to vent this prolly turned out really really long

[cephalonheadquarters]

internet safety is a wonderful thing and so important and i love being safe online soooooo much

#do schools even teach internet safety anymore? i learned it in like elementary school #since i have two younger brothers 10 & 8 they have access to the internet and i guess i get a little bossy but i try to make sure theyre #being safe... if theyre able to talk to people i tell them theyre not old enough to do that yet..! the 10 yr old has a scratch account and #while scratch is fine i dont like that he can comment and read comments no matter how safe the site is #internet safety is so fucking important to me im dead serious #it makes me really sad to see a lot of young kids able to communicate with strangers Even if its safe! Theres always a risk #Like i met someone who was 9 on discord a while ago. ☹️ I told them they shouldnt be on it but i dont think they listened to me anyway #To be honest #Idk what the right age is to have full access to the internet. 13 feels too early but 16 feels too late but idk abt 14 and 15. ig 15..?? #Id say it depends on just being a teen and how mature you are but idk #I dont think it really can be helped if you have access to the internet #I just hope kids are aware of the good and the bad and how to navigate the internet!! Because its really scary! #If you say you hate kids i dont trust you. if you make fun of kids (in a mean spirited way basically bullying) i dont trust you. #I would love to be able to help and be friends with kids so that they know better but unfortunately thats not always going to be possible #Its 3 40 am bye #Oh and i fucking hate snapchat and instagram and omegle. Genuine burning hatred for those stupid things fuck them #Even tiktok is better than those. And i dont even like tiktok

[letmesleepy]

Hey Sleepy I know about Otto but what about Caroline? I've seen u tag oc tag stuff as Caroline. Who are they?

Thats Carolina ^_^ let me talk about her miserable life under the cut. Its under a cut cuz uhhhhh sensitive topics below. Also long as hell

Carolina is my fallout oc/sona/its complicated. We'll say shes an oc cuz shes only really a sona when im playin the games and when thats happening the pronouns are they/them but since its just me playing the they/themming is only in the head.

Shes in 3/nv/4 and dear god she goes through so much trauma. Shes a mute chick w huge anger issues who tries not to show it by constantly being @_@ about life. She had a tumor in her throat when she was 1 yr old, which if it wasnt removed would have traveled to her brain, if it didnt close off her ability to breathe first. She had to have surgery to have it removed, taking her vocal cords in the process.

She has a huge love for repairing tech such as computers and bots, and when she was in the vault she dreamed of being the person to maintain the water chip. But as you know f3 story she never got the chance, only ever being a pipboy repairmen (which she did enjoy but due to how isolated she was she wanted water chip job more so she could be more important and liked). She has an incredible memory too ✌.

Cuz of her mutism she had like almost no friends aside from amata + a few adults, only furthering her @_@ ing and not showing her emotions. This leads to FURTHER isolating cuz everyone just thinks shes weird. She struggles a lot w her self image due to this isolation and kids pickin on her for being mute + tall, leading to struggles w anorexia. Throughout the 10 yrs old f3 to f4 she tries to recover from this, but cuz the apocalyptic world is harsh she doesnt get well off at first, becoming an alcoholic alongside it, due to in f4 shes brainwashed/reprogrammed (cyborg from nv dlc) into believing shes a 200 yr old mom searching for her son. Not only brainwashed but had surgery to look like the original nora. This only worsens her self image problems when she realizes the truth. The reason shes brainwashed is cuz Father believes shes incredible, and due to her work in washington/vegas, believing she should take his place. Originally he thought she was a true vault dweller, having no radiation. By the time he found out she wasnt, it was too late. But he persisted anyway, still considering her determination and the charisma she would gain from nora to make her an excellent leader.

When she realizes shes actually NOT nora, and that they gave her a dead womans voice, thoughts, face, this leads to her almost going over the deep end, for a moment considering horrible things from making her anorexia worse for a sense of control to simply finding a hole to die in. But in the end she decides instead to combine her personality w noras, since nora is now stuck inside her. Nora is a "program" of sorts, existing in the cybernetic part of carolinas brain. She was scanned from the original noras head, who died during the capturing of shawn. Due to her being a corpse there were a lot of memories gone, so a lot was filled in or simply left blank. Shes a ghost of herself but she doesnt wanna die again, so she stays alive through carolina, the two becoming a new one. Carolina is now more vulnerable, with new thoughts, but in a way she finds a peace in it, feeling less lonely even if the company isnt entirely true. They ofc arent totally harmonious, at times being completely separate mentally, but they over time find this to be a good thing, always seeing things in a new way, coming up with better ways to solve things. Her only other constant company is f3 dogmeat, who stays by her side ever since they met. But that changes when she has to take care of shawn, who believes shes his bio mother. Now she has more company with him involved.

Originally carolina doesnt wanna take care of him, being very traumatized by what happened w Father, but in the end he wins her over, so they travel together. Ofc carolina tells shawn the truth, that shes not his mom. But he in the end decides it doesnt matter, that shes really cool and he wants her to be his mom. With this relief, she changes her face back as much as she can, and removes noras voice from her. Because of their new relationship, carolina opens up more, having a healthier lifestyle to set a good example, and making promises to not be as reckless in battle, cuz he worries about her :(. Over time she starts expressing herself more, still ofc sometimes @_@ but thats cuz she has apocalyptic autism and Is Just Like That. But overall she learns to laugh and actually be happy cuz she has someone to love again, and this time she doesnt let ppl step over her. As she recovers and loves, she gains more weight and becomes fat and strong ^-^ leading to her passion of engineering being more easy due to having more energy.... Not to mention the flustering attention she gets cuz shes a beefy woman in the apocalypse.

Tldr: i take yer gruff depressed middle aged man w daughter and raise you: gruff depressed middle aged woman w son. + cute doggy :)

#theres a lot more like her losing a foot to a bear trap and being cut open so many times without her permission #this girl is covered in scars. both surgical and battle wise #and the first time she cried being in lonesome road cuz she sees so much of herself in ulysses she knew she would die #and how she used to bury everyone she killed in f3 cuz she was raised Old Fashioned on how to treat the dead #but she stopped when her dad died cuz she started killing so many enclave she couldnt bury em all. and kinda didnt wanna. #and dont get me started on dr li and her being in both f3 and f4 #and how her meeting 'nora' parallels her meeting carolina and how she Senses who she is but doesnt have proof #and thus sends nora to search for carolina‚ believing carolina to be dead but is so scared she might be alive #and how dr li didnt have a great opinion of carolina but knows if what her gut is telling her is true. is something no one deserves. #and how shes the cause for nora realizing shes carolina and how this further complicates their relationship #amd how she tries to ease this fuckin Mess by giving her resources to learn sign language so she can talk to her w/o pen and paper #and how it leads to them finally being somewhat friends and dr li being the only person carolina trusts in the institute #and how that leads to her making dr li the director so carolina can leave cuz she now fucking hates boston #and also her taking care of dogmeat when he was caged in the institute to hide him from nora. he was so so scared and she was like #holy fuck dogmeats here. that could mean shes alive. guess i gotta make sure you dont die buddy or else thatll ruin her. #and her using him to be sure that nora is carolina. and when hes so so happy to see nora when he was so shy w dr li. thats how she knew. #but she needed proof. so off nora goes #*froths a bit at the mouth thinking about dr li and nora and carolina* #the reason i chose otto instead of her for the oc poll was cuz uh. dear god theres too much to tell for her. #also dont get me started on her relationship w ulysses. the parallels... and Opposites.... #ulysses being a man who always speaks. always has words. carolina being a woman who has so lil words. who refuses to speak. #the two being so full of burning rage only the other can understand. being so strong and not knowing how to be strong. #isolating themselves and committing themselves to the service of their own personal duties until they just fall over and die #both dreaming of a home that had died long ago #*pounds fists on floor* #ive been considering making a comic about her but i have Not had the time or skill yet to do it. maybe one day 💭 #anyway ive been writing this answer for hours. if theres something else to be said ill just hashtag reblog and say more #also i think shes technically my oldest oc. at least the oldest thats still around. shes def older than otto thats for sure #been working on her for.... jeez. 10 yrs.

[shiningstages]

‘ i honestly believed in you . ’ @ lilia !

FEARLESS (TAYLOR’S VERSION) SENTENCE STARTERS PART ONE

@flovverworks

Blood-red eyes pierced the fading darkness, stabbing through Akira’s gaze like their words deserved to die. Yet they didn’t…Those held nothing but emotions warranted to berate the short warrior, and while he wanted to tell them off for not even knowing the first thing about how difficult all this had been, Lilia kept his mouth shut. Akira probably knew that too, and could only imagine all the emotions swirling within Lilia at the moment. 

How could these foreign wizards look up to him anyways, when he was just a stranger unbound by the technicalities of their lands and unwavering in his forceful way of interacting? He had practically jump scared every wizard in the mansion - at least, the ones who could be easily scared, and took precautions so no wizard would accidentally try to kill him upon reflex - and invaded all of their spaces with his endless curiosity and wonderment. And yet they were all varying levels of willing when it came to helping him get home, and even complimented him on his battle prowess and other unique skills. Training together, palling around, walking through various locations in order to teach him so many things - it almost felt like he was back at Night Raven College, or in the distant past with Malleus and Silver in Briar Valley. Doting on the younger wizards, watching trainees work hard every day towards their goals, and helping whip everyone into shape while also having a big dose of fun for himself. It almost made him let his guard down completely around them all.

Almost. Because, especially in a foreign land, you couldn’t be too careful about what unknown dangers lurked in the shadows. But Lilia never expected to lose against such forces. It was a request of monster extermination and supply protection given to the wizards that had more than they were prepared for, and of course blood was going to be shed because of it. Lilia just wished it had been his own, not Shino and Heathcliff trying to both protect each other and their newfound friend. Not knowing how exactly to use his magic against these foes, especially when he was still getting used to his new way of summoning it up in this world, proved a failure at the worst of times. It was desperation, after Shino had gotten so injured yet could barely stand, that made Lilia grab onto the two of them and teleport them back to the mansion. “Mission be damned,” he had said in front of a surprising crowd, leaving the injured wizards in front of Akira without another word before teleporting back to the den of monsters. It was barbaric then, after having sneaked a sword from the mansion, that he decided that none of these things should be kept alive. Supplies be damned; materials be damned; his own magic and wellbeing be damned; if blot worked in this world, he would certainly find out after quelling the rage in his heart with fresh deaths mounting on a long since abandoned counter. He wondered how impressed his queen would be to see these masses slaughtered so quickly, or would she shiver under a long forgotten thirst for war? Would Malleus and Silver try to stop his outrage with their own magic or persuasion? Would he even listen to them anymore?

All questions came and left as swift as the fight itself, yet the aftermath of both weighed heavy on him. His clothes were soaked in areas, but with the monsters’ blood or his own he wasn’t sure, yet didn’t care either way. He felt every ache in his body, emotional and physical, yet at once felt nothing at all but the gaping feeling of defeat. For he had promised to lead them and protect them, with that cheeky confidence he loved to wear, and yet he…

He slashed the sword through the air, all the blood that was on it practically becoming daggers hitting the nearby trees, before he began walking in the direction he pleased. He didn’t mind being lost in the woods for a millennia. Just as long as he took a nice walk to calm himself, that was what mattered. No thoughts of going home - to either home, for Malleus and Silver would be so disappointed in him, and Akira was certainly too busy to worry about him now. No thoughts at all, really. Just a walk until he could breathe and think again like normal.

And it was in the breaking dawn before he could do so, though he can’t help but think that Akira’s shouts from behind him also snapped him out of whatever darkness had possessed him, taking a deep breath in and out once the sage started speaking. And Lilia listened intently, yet didn’t dare turn around, instead taking his wand from his jacket’s chest pocket and staring at the tiny jewel inside. Dirty with dried blood, but underneath showed a shining green that stood the test of time. It was in his surprise at the small sight that Akira’s words struck him, turning quick on his heel to reveal the severity of his physical state - disheveled beyond belief, caked in dirt and dried blood, cuts and bruises that littered his body. Yet it was all deserved; another scene of a fight well fought, yet a sentence that painted out his failure in his heart. 

Any anger in him leaves with a soft gust of wind, all tension leaving his body as he continues to stare at the other, before looking done at his wand once more. “...I honestly did too.” muttered soft enough for another gust to carry it away, before pocketing his wand in a neat way that would make Silver chastise his sloppy appearance less. “All the more reason that I should get out of your hair sooner rather than later. I'm completely unreliable in my current state, though I am impressed with how well I did with this after so many years.” He looks over to the sword in his hand, raising it to inspect it - tip now dirty from being dragged through the ground - before doing impressive slashes and stabs in the direction of a nearby tree. If he could sheathe it, he would, but he just decides to stab it into the ground so as to never hold it again. “...Are Shino and Heathcliff recovering well? Sleeping like two babes while holding each other's hands, I would imagine?” An optimistic way of avoiding all the negatives, at least in Lilia’s mind, mustering up whatever smile he could for the sage as arms crossed over his chest. Akira would’ve taken care of them well, and they certainly would’ve taken care of each other through their bond, so he’s sure that they survived the night at the very least. If they had perished, though, Lilia was certain that all the creatures in the forest would be gone in the blink of an eye. Though he would certainly teleport Akira far away so as to not become collateral, for no matter how much they may hate Lilia now, Lilia couldn’t truly hate them yet.

#( lilia tbt ) #( the saddest thing: not having a lilia tag yet;;; #i'm sure i'll think of one soon #me; reading shino and heathcliff's wiki entries again: *points* lilia and malleus-core #they are like them yet not like them at all but my brain also likes this idea #and it makes me think that lilia would totally dote on those two because of how their relationship is #and how he could probably see flashbacks of his younger self in shino #being a warrior for briar valley and serving the queen and king faithfully and closely #and how; while it is still very different dynamics; the lord / servant role while still being best friends and trusted allies #yeah he vibes with that too much; especially when separated from his own charge and family #so shino and heathcliff are just my fav characters now; no future me don't say you like any other mhyk boys more; forbidden #that said also whoops poor shino / akira #like also poor heathcliff but i definitely feel like he was the more protected of the two friends #akira i'm so sorry but my wizard has been through a lot; i know your boys could've died but um pls be gentle here #ALSO WRITING LILIA ANGRY AND REGRETFUL WAS VERY FUN #like the only time he's gotten angry so far was book two when leona tried to basically murder malleus #and it was that very smirk-of-unhinged-potential kind of mean and downtalking to leona #and i can both imagine lilia seriously made being maniacal laughter and devoid-of-feeling deadpan rage #so um take your pick on what he was while slaughtering monsters~ #also said monsters are from my imagination because no sources had enemy info so :))) free real estate on that!!! )