#i just want to talk about the music we used to listen to and the stupid shit we used to do

[ashwhowrites]

Hi, love your work.

I was thinking a maybe a break up and make up fic with:

Angst Prompt 31. “You broke me! You ruined everything we had and- for what?”

Fluff prompt 7. “You’re the only person I want to spend my life with”

With Eddie Munson/Y/N Henderson or Y/N Wheeler. A sister from one of the main party.

Eddie and Y/N have been together before season 1. Season 1 happens, Y/N was there. Resulting in her getting closer to Steve or Jonathan, to which Eddie thinks Y/N is cheating on him. Even catches Steve/Jonathan comforting Y/N and gets the wrong idea. They break up. The younger brother of Y/N tells Eddie off and makes him rethink things. Leading to them getting back together.

Thank you so much! I hope this is what you wanted and you enjoy it. Thank you for requesting 🫶🏻

Friends? Or something else?

Y/N Wheeler was quite different from her sister, Nancy. Nancy liked the boy next door vibe, and Y/N liked the rebel bad boy. Y/N didn't see what Nancy ever saw in Steve in the beginning. But he turned out to be a sweet guy when Nancy stomped on his heart.

She felt bad for Steve, but Y/N wanted to spend her free time with Eddie. It was no shock that the two fell for each other. Eddie was exactly her type, the leather, the attitude, and the nasty mouth he kissed her with.

Anyone could see she was smitten with the boy. She kissed the ground he walked on. She would do anything he asked, and do it happily.

It was a shame all he did was doubt her love for him

~~~

Eddie and Steve didn't really get along. Back when Nancy and Steve were together, the sisters loved double dates.

As Y/N fed Eddie fries and shared chocolate milkshakes, Nancy and Steve would argue across from them. Half of their double dates ended with Eddie and Y/N sneaking off.

Eddie didn't like the way Steve carried himself. He thought he was so superior compared to the rest of them and that didn't sit well with Eddie. And Y/N thought the same. She hated the way he treated Eddie.

Y/N just couldn't get along with Steve.

Until Nancy broke up with him and he finally showed his true self.

She couldn't lie. She felt bad for Steve. He showed up to their house with flowers but Nancy was already out with friends. Y/N couldn't leave him outside and alone. She let him in and before she knew it she was comforting him.

He cried into her arms as he talked about how Nancy was all he had left.

"I'll be here for you, I promise."

And she meant it. Whenever Steve called, she listened to what he had to say. Nancy was a little bothered at first. She found it weird her ex-boyfriend was using her little sister as a shoulder. But then Steve began to change, in a way Nancy thought wasn't possible.

The friendship helped Steve and Nancy accept that. It even helped get them back on normal speaking terms.

Eddie hated it, though. He hated having Y/N in his lap, rocking her hips against his. His tongue battled hers as the music played through his shitty speakers.

"Wheeler, call for Wheeler."

Steve's voice cut through the moment like a knife. The static voice worked its way through the talkie and Y/N pulled back.

"One second," she whispered.

Eddie felt his stomach turn as she grabbed the talkie and went outside. He wanted to trust her, he so badly did. But it was so hard when she'd always leave the room to talk to him. Why can't she talk to him in front of her boyfriend? It meant she was hiding something.

She had to be cheating on him.

And the thought of it broke his heart.

The one time he was in love, she found someone else.

~

What Eddie didn't know was that Steve and Y/N found themselves thrown into some type of supernatural portal. Something called the upside down? She wasn't quite sure what it all meant yet, but all she knew was that she and Steve fought hand in hand for months on end.

The world seemed to be back to normal and they wanted to keep it that way. She didn't want Eddie to get dragged into all of it. She'd never forgive herself if something happened to him. So she demanded every single one in the gang keep what happened a secret.

It was sworn that Eddie never found out what happened a few months back.

As a result of being at war with Steve, meant their friendship grew so strong that they truly became best friends. They leaned on each other when they needed it the most.

Eddie didn't understand how one minute she hated Steve and the next, she ran the second he called. He knew something happened between them. He tried to piece together a timeline, but he drew blanks.

~

She bounced back into the trailer with an apologetic smile on her face.

"Steve needs to talk some stuff out. He got in a fight with his dad. Can we raincheck the movie?" she asked

Eddie fought the urge to roll his eyes. He wasn't surprised.

"Sure thing," Eddie smiled. He was good at pretending that nothing was wrong. So well that she had no idea she was ruining their relationship the more she picked Steve.

~~~

"Do you think you'll come to the hideout tonight?" Eddie asked as he wrapped his arms around Y/N. Her back to his chest as she crammed books in her locker.

His lips kissed her neck as he swayed them back and forth.

"Ew, get a room." Nancy gagged, but a smile on her face. Nancy loved seeing her sister in love. She was the main reason Nancy ended things with Steve.

Nancy wanted what Y/N and Eddie had, and she didn't feel like she did with Steve.

"Um, I'm sorry but I don't think I can." Y/N cringed as Eddie's touch was gone in a second.

Nancy sensed the air change and quickly left them alone. Nancy knew tonight was a meeting with the gang, they were worried the upside down was opening again. But Eddie couldn't know.

"Don't even tell me it's because you'll be with Steve." Eddie snapped.

Y/N felt nervous to turn around. She gulped as she turned around, that same apologetic look in her eyes.

"Why now? Can he just go to fucking therapy and stop using my girlfriend?"

"Eds, be nice," she tried, but she could tell by the look on his face that he was strongly irritated.

"What's wrong?" she asked, she reached to wrap her arms around his neck. She didn't hide the pain she felt when he backed away.

"What's wrong? What's wrong is that my girlfriend doesn't seem to give a shit that I exist." Eddie spat, he wanted to keep his anger in check but he couldn't help but sound pissed.

"Of course I do! Tonight I just had prior plans."

"Cancel and come with me," Eddie said, his voice soft as he grabbed her hand. He turned his puppy eyes to her as he begged.

"I can't cancel, Eds." She sighed sadly

The anger washed up as quickly as it washed away.

He dropped her hand like it burned. Her hand was dead against her side as it dangled.

"Why not?" he challenged

"They all need me, baby," she said softly

Eddie shook his head and chuckled darkly.

"They do or Steve does?"

"Eddie, you know it's not like that, right?" She said, her heart broke as she watched the insecurity flash across his face. Had he been upset about Steve all this time? Was she a horrible girlfriend for not noticing?

"Just sometimes I need my girlfriend too," he said sadly, then walked off.

"Eddie, no wait," she said, she grabbed his hand. She felt her throat close up as he sniffled.

"Forget it. I'll tell you about the show whenever I see you."

"Eddie, please. I'm sorry." she tried, she wanted to tell him the truth but she couldn't.

"I know, I'll see you later," he said, his mouth in a tight line as he walked away.

~

Y/N couldn't focus during the meeting. Her brain focused on the little fight with Eddie. Had she been neglecting him? She would never intentionally hurt him and she hated that she still did.

Steve was listening to Dustin when he heard sniffles. He looked beside him and watched as Y/N silently cried. Her head down as she used her shirt to catch the tears.

"You okay?" Steve whispered in her ear

"Course," she said, putting on a fake smile as she looked at him

But looking at Steve made her think of Eddie. And thinking of Eddie caused a loud sob to escape.

The gang all looked in her direction. Nancy and Mike watched with concern as she stood up.

"Sorry, need a minute." she apologized, she raced up the stairs and closed the basement door behind her.

She dropped her body on the front step and let the sobs take over her body. She cried into her hands as the afternoon played through her head on an endless loop.

Steve followed behind her, he sat next to her and he wrapped his arms around her. She turned her body into his and sobbed. Her wet tears soaked his shirt as she sobbed.

"What is going on?" he whispered, he gently rubbed her back as she tried to get ahold of herself.

She told him everything that happened, Steve felt a puddle of guilt in his stomach. He pulled her away, it was his fault Eddie was upset.

They were lost in their own world, no idea that as Steve placed a comforting kiss on her forehead Eddie was in the driveway.

Eddie's heavy feet stomped towards them. They jumped apart hearing his boots crunch the sticks below.

Steve stood up and held his hands in defense

"Munson, I swear it-" but he didn't get to finish his sentence.

Eddie went at him, a huge right punch connected straight against Steve's eye. Steve crumbled to the grass instantly as he held his eye.

"EDDIE!" Y/N gasped, she quickly jumped in front of Steve as Eddie went to charge forward.

"Not like that right?" Eddie spat, his voice filled with venom as he shot her words right back at her.

"Eddie," Steve groaned as he stood up. He looked at Eddie with one eye, holding the bruising one. "It's not what you think, I swear."

"I don't give a single fuck about what you have to say" Eddie hissed as he pointed at Steve over Y/N's shoulder.

"Steve, can you give us a second?" Y/N asked, but her eyes never left Eddie.

Once she heard the front door shut, she took a deep breath.

"How could you do this to me?" Eddie asked, his voice cracked as the first round of tears fell down his face. "We were so in love. You used to love me so much. You used to never leave my side and now? Now I can barely remember the last time we even had sex."

"Oh Eddie," she whimpered as she stepped forward and held his face in her hands. She cried seeing him cry. "We are in love! I still love you. I love you more and more every day. I'm sorry I've gotten so caught up with Steve but I promise you it is not because I have feelings for him. I didn't know you were missing me so much."

"How could you know? You won't see me for more than ten minutes." he snapped, he grabbed her hands and shoved them off of his face. She tried to ignore the drop of her heart.

"You're right. I am so sorry. Talk to me, let's talk it out."

"I don't think I even want to anymore," he confessed. YN shook her head as she panicked.

"No, baby, You can do it, just tell me what you are feeling, please," she begged, she fought hard not to touch him. All she wanted was to wrap her arms around him but she couldn't tell if he wanted her to touch him.

"You broke me! You ruined everything we had and- for what?" Eddie said, he lashed out as his tears turned into anger. His voice rose. "For Steve? I mean how could you even do this to Nancy?"

"She doesn't care because she knows we are just friends!" Y/N argued. "Like I've told you! There is nothing between him and I."

"YOU AND I USED TO BE FRIENDS, SHIT CHANGES Y/N!" he screamed, no doubt letting the neighbors know a fight was breaking out

"That's different." she cried, tears falling down her face.

"HOW?" he screamed as he stepped closer. Right in her face as he demanded his answer.

"BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY IN LOVE WITH YOU, ASSHOLE. I KNEW I LOVED YOU AND I HAD TO PRETEND I DIDN'T BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE YOU AS A FRIEND. THAT IS WHY IT IS DIFFERENT. I'VE NEVER WANTED TO KISS STEVE OR WONDERED WHAT HE TASTED LIKE. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU!" she cried, it hurt to have him so close and not touch him. She wanted to have the right words to say.

"Then why has it only been Steve, lately?" Eddie asked, breaking down as the words left his tongue. More tears fell as he looked into her eyes. He used to see through her, but something happened and her eyes never told him the truth anymore.

"I can't tell you because it would kill me if you got hurt because of me." She watched as he nodded and choked back his tears. His red eyes looked into hers.

"You've been hurting me for months, and you are still breathing," her heart shattered as he began to step back, "Steve or not, it's clear you don't have the time for me. Take me off that full plate you have."

"Eddie, please don't" she sobbed as he kept stepping back. With each step he took, she made that step forward.

"If you ever truly loved me, you'll let me heal from you. I don't deserve to feel second best by my own girlfriend."

With those words, she stopped. She planted her feet in the grass as he turned around. She covered her mouth as he got in his van. Before he closed the door, she yelled his name.

He looked over at her

"I need you to know that I'm doing what you asked. I'll leave you alone and give you the space you need because it'll prove that I love you. Even if it kills me to never be with you again."

She watched as he didn't say a word, just closing his door and taking off down the road.

~~~

Mike had seen both his sisters experience breakups, but nothing as bad as Y/N.

It's been a week since the breakup, and Y/N barely leaves her room. She came out to use the bathroom, sometimes she'd sit in the kitchen and stare at the phone. She'd pray that he would call, but she knew he wouldn't. After a few hours, she'd go right back up to her room.

"Poor girl. I've never seen her so heartbroken." Karen said as she sat down at the dinner table. "Has she done any of the schoolwork she missed?"

"Barely, I've turned in a few of her assignments." Nancy said, "She won't even talk to me about it."

"Shame on that boy for hurting her," Karen said as she shook her head, "I wish I could smack some sense into him."

His mom's words gave Mike an idea.

~

The next morning Mike biked to Eddie's trailer. It was a Saturday morning so he knew Eddie would be rotting in bed.

He was done seeing his sister lose herself

and he was done with Eddie's cranky ass during Hellfire.

He threw his bike into the dirt as he raced up to Eddie's trailer. He pounded on the door.

"Wheeler?" Eddie said confused, his eyes half open as he yawned.

"We need to talk," Mike snapped, letting himself in the trailer and sitting on the couch.

"Great, another fight with a wheeler," Eddie mumbled to himself.

"What can I help you with?" Eddie asked as he stood.

"Why does it look like you are sleeping on the couch?" Mike asked with sass as he pushed the bundle of blankets out of his way. "Bedroom reeks of all the random girls you've been sleeping with?" he hissed.

"Woah, little Wheeler. What I do in my bedroom is none of your business. What makes you think I'm sleeping with random girls? Is that how your sister is dealing with the breakup?" Eddie asked, he couldn't help but get mad at his own words.

"Oh shut your mouth," Mike snapped, "my sister isn't this whore you claim her to be."

"I know, that was uncalled for," Eddie said, "how...how is she?" he couldn't help but ask. It had been eating him up all week. He hadn't seen her once, hadn't heard her voice, and it killed him. He had no idea if she was breaking apart or completely fine with Eddie gone.

"Answer my question first," Mike demanded, he got off the couch and walked to Eddie's room. If there was a girl in there, Mike swore he'd kill Eddie before the upside-down had the chance.

"WHEELER!" Eddie yelled but Mike carried on. He flew Eddie's door open. And it was empty. The bed set is perfectly made, with a flower on the pillow with a note attached.

"And what slut is this for? Moving on already?" Mike snapped. He reached forward and grabbed the note.

"Give me that!" Eddie snapped back, snatching the note from his hands. "I'm not sleeping with anyone, okay? I haven't been in here since the breakup. She made my bed that morning and wrote me a note, and this was the first flower someone had given me. I just wanted to leave everything the way she touched it." Eddie explained. The room held too many memories, and it smelled of her.

"Can we talk in the living room?"

Mike nodded, knowing not to push Eddie further.

They walked back into the living room as Eddie closed his bedroom door. Eddie took a seat next to Mike.

"She's heartbroken," Mike said, Eddie looked over at him. "She doesn't eat, barely sleeps, and stares at the phone the second school ends until she knows you are asleep. She's miserable and it's all your fault!" Mike said, pissed at Eddie for hurting his sister. Mike stood up so he could tower over Eddie, by a little.

"You broke her and you better fix it!"

"I didn't do anything, Mike. You are too young to understand, but our relationship wasn't the same." Eddie sighed. He did feel awful hearing about how bad she was doing. Guilt in his bones as he pictured her staring at the phone.

There were so many times he wanted to call. At one point he didn't care if she ever had feelings for Steve, he wanted to be with her anyway. He'd watch her kiss Steve a thousand times if she still picked Eddie to come home to.

"I might be young, but I'm not an idiot. Steve never liked her, he is still hung up on Nancy. And Y/N never liked Steve more than a friend. Hell, she barely understood what Nancy saw in him because he wasn't you. She is so in love with you that you are literally the only guy she sees worthy. I don't blame you for wanting to protect yourself. But she has been killing herself to protect you."

"But I don't understand why she can't tell me! We've been in a relationship for over a year, and she still has these secrets!" Eddie argued.

"It's not her secret to tell! It's mine, okay?" Mike said, Eddie looked at him confused. "What I'm about to tell you is going to sound insane. But you have to believe me. It'll explain why Y/N thought it would protect you to keep you out of it."

Eddie sat and listened as Mike explained what happened over the past year. The upside down and the battles. How Y/N and Steve got thrown together and they could only turn to each other because of it. But it all made sense. She kept promising she couldn't tell because if he got hurt, it would kill her. Because if Eddie got hurt, he wouldn't survive.

~~~

Eddie waited a day before he picked up the phone. He felt nervous as he dialed the number he knew by heart.

It rang for a second before a voice appeared on the other end

"Hello, Y/N speaking,"

Eddie closed his eyes at the sadness in her voice.

"Hey, darling. It's, uh me, Eddie." He stuttered out

"I knew it was you by the first word," she laughed sadly. She hated how hard it seemed to talk to him. Like she didn't know what to say.

"Right," he chuckled, "I was hoping we could talk? Maybe better in person?" He drummed his hands against the wall as he heard her breathing heavily through the phone.

"Yeah, um when and where?" Her voice cracked as she blinked back her tears. This was the final moment, he wanted to break it off officially. She gave him his space and he was ready for it to be forever.

"Please don't cry, sweetheart." He begged, choking up himself as he listened to her.

"I'm fine!" She lied, "Just tell me when and where."

"My place and the sooner the better."

He clenched his eyes in pain as she whimpered and let out a soft okay before the phone went dead.

~

She drove over to his trailer, unable to keep the tears back.

She was scared to see him again. She barely kept it together hearing his voice again. She didn't want to cry when she saw him, but it was all she had been doing for the past week.

Eddie was against his trailer smoking a cigarette when she pulled up. She took another deep breath as she turned off the car. Even having that small glimpse sent her head into a spiral.

Eddie smashed his cigarette as she walked up to him. She wore one of his old hoodies, and a pair of sweats she stole after their first movie date. Her eyes were majority swollen and red. Her nose was red as she rubbed it with his sleeve.

"Hi, sweets" Eddie cooed, as he opened his arms. Within seconds her body crashed into his as she wrapped her arms around him. He wrapped his arms around her. He rested his chin on her head, inhaling her scent. He kissed her head, and every painful feeling in his body melted away.

She sobbed as she inhaled his clothes. All she wanted was to be with him again, and she was. She kept squeezing him tighter, hoping he'd feel closer.

"Don't cry, my love," he said into her hair, rubbing her back.

"I missed you so much," she sobbed, "it was so hard to give you the space you wanted."

"I missed you too, baby girl. I'm so sorry I made you give me space. I'm so sorry for the mess I made since I didn't communicate when I should have. Let's go inside." He let go of her body but laced his hand with hers as they walked into the trailer. Eddie led her to his room, he opened the door and closed it behind him. She refused to let go of his hand, but he didn't ask her to.

She wasn't sure how long she'd have before he wanted space again. He sat beside her as she looked around his room. She noticed it was the same as a week ago, but she didn't say anything.

instead of sitting next to her, he dropped to his knees and rested his head on her lap. She smiled and ran her fingers through his hair, she scratched his head in the way he loves.

"I'm sorry for fucking this up. I should have trusted you, I'm sorry I didn't. I thought I needed space, but all it did was make me miss you." He melted into her touch as her fingers continued to run through his hair. "I'm so in love with you. I wasn't used to sharing you and I felt like I was losing you." His puppy eyes looked up at her as he sat up on his knees.

He laced his hands with hers and rested them on her lap

"I'm sorry for not realizing how much I was hurting you. You are the only boy I'd ever want. I love you and that won't ever change." She said she unlaced their hands so she could cup his face. Her thumbs rubbed his wet cheeks as she leaned in and placed her lips on his.

Eddie wrapped his arms around her waist, his palms resting on her back as he kissed her back. Eddie straightened himself as he deepened the kiss. He kept his lips on hers as he pushed her back and stood up. Her back was against his mattress as he climbed on top of her. The kiss grew more intense and hungry as her hands moved to his stomach. His right hand rested on her cheek, he moaned as he slipped his tongue inside her mouth.

The kiss sent goosebumps rising on her skin. The feelings she felt when she kissed Eddie never went away, it was always butterflies and needing more.

Eddie pulled away for air, his eyes soaking her in. She was slow to open her eyes but when she did she was staring into Eddie's.

“You’re the only person I want to spend my life with” she whispered

"Just like the note said." he smiled

"Just like the note said," she laughed. Already missing his lips, she placed her hand on the back of his neck and brought his lips to hers. She frowned when Eddie pulled back a little, not letting their lips meet.

"Before I get carried away with you," Eddie winked, she blushed and bit her lip. "Will you be my girl again?"

"I never stopped,"

Eddie smiled and smashed his lips back on hers. They hungrily touched each other, showing how much they missed it and never wanted space again.

Tags!

@bmunson86 @mxcheese @ladymunson @michaelfuckinglangdon @z0mbie-blah @biittersweet @mirrorsstuff @somethingvicked @micheledawn1975 @ago-godance @magnificantmermaid @tlclick73 @hargrovesswifee @cityofidek @silky-luxe @lokiofasgard616 @loving-and-dreaming @eddiemunsonsbitch69 @thegemaqua @ashlynnkennedy @strangerthingsstories5255 @harringt8ns @pleasinghellfire @whoscamila @stusdollface93 @gretavankleep37 @bellaisswagger @arlxt

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie munson fanfic #eddie stranger things #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson request #eddie munson fluff x reader #eddie munson angst #eddie munson angst x reader #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x wheeler! reader #ashwhowrites

[highvern]

Houdini

Pairing: Kwon Soonyoung x f!reader

Genre: smut, hint of fluff at the end

warnings: drinking, allusion to drug use, sub hoshi likes when reader is mean to him, oral sex (f. receiving), fingering, protected sex, reader calls hoshi a furry more than once, cumshot, hair pulling, reader wears bunny ears

Length: ~5.3k

Note: this started as a prologue to a different fic but i wanted it to become its own fic. danke @gyuswhore for being my torture subject as always as well as @onlyhuis @temptaetions @cheolism

Summary: The guy wearing a tiger onesie and ripping a bong in the corner might not be the most promising prospect of the night. But you've got a point to prove and a bet to win.

m.list

This blog is intended for 18+ only! Minors/blank blogs will be blocked.

The cramped living room is hazy with the smell of pot, cut by cheap led strip lights painting everything in violets and blues. Butt numb from the stiff armrest of the couch, you adjust the bunny ears on your head for the fifth time in the twenty minutes you’ve sat there.

Everyone else skitters around, dressed as different animals. More bunnies, a few cats, a guy dressed like a dinosaur hogging a joint. It’s someone’s birthday; a friend of a friend you’ve never met, but the promise of free alcohol before heading downtown isn’t even close to the worst way to spend your time. It’s why you fished out the dumb satin bunny ears from your closet; a relic from Halloweens past when you needed a cheap excuse to wear something scandalous in public with little judgment. 

June disappeared thirty minutes ago to find the birthday boy, leaving your entire group to mingle until she returns. 

You intently listen as Lily vents about her work crush for the nth time. His name is of no relevance, but she’s convinced herself it's love despite the fact he possesses fewer brain cells than a rock. A proven fact since he didn’t know the difference between consonants and vowels despite being well into his twenties.

“Why all the talk about relationships?” you interrupt. “Can we please have one night where we don’t talk about guys.”

“Some of us want boyfriends.” Anna rolls her eyes. 

“And yet, you can find one hundred percent of the benefits of one with zero effort. At least without all the mind games you two go through every week.”

“Easy for you to say.” Anna argues. “You’re like the poster girl for no-commitment sex.”

“I like what I like,” you shrug. “Not guys that say they want a relationship and then claim you're moving too fast when you ask him to treat you like a person.”

Lily gives an exasperated groan to the ceiling. “We get it. You hate romance.”

“I don’t hate it. I just like to be realistic. Most guys are good for one thing and I happen to admire them for that.”

“Do you realistically think you can get any guy here to sleep with you?” Anna asks. 

Any guy is a stretch. You’re easy but not without standards. Taken men are strictly off the menu. Along with weirdos or guys that look like they’ve never seen the inside of a shower. Anyone looking for a relationship typically removes themself from the running after figuring out you aren’t looking to be saved or changed, just a warm body that’s easy on the eyes.

“Pick anyone and if I pull him you owe me breakfast tomorrow.” You challenge them with a smirk. It’s slim pickings so early in the night, but nothing you can’t work with.

“Okay, then.” Lily agrees. “What about him?”

It takes you a moment to decipher who her manicured finger is pointing at. There's a small crowd in the corner of the room, guys too scared to mingle or uninterested in anything beyond their circle jerk. But he’s easy to spot; a tiger onesie and a dark crop of hair are all the details you get from this far away.

He seems to be the main entertainer of the bubble. Hands fly in different directions, chaotic but graceful. Now that you’re locked onto him, the boom of his voice floats under the heavy music. Tiger guy isn't your usual type. He’s lithe and lean; maybe a dancer or something athletic. You like them tall and domineering. It makes it that much sweeter when they try to dominate you, only to be beaten at their own game. Mingyu wasn’t your A-list fuck buddy for no reason. A damn shame he moved away at the end of last year.

But the man Lily’s picked will do what you need him to; prove a point and grant you a free meal. If you get at least one orgasm out of it then that’ll be a bonus. Chugging the last of your drink (which smells like nail polish remover and paint thinner had a very toxic baby), you drop the empty cup into Anna’s hand.

“And we want proof!” Anna calls as you stalk toward the far wall.

One of the other guys he’s talking to sees you approach, and you watch the way his eyes convey your presence, nearly bugging out of his skull. A gentle tap on tiger guy’s shoulder has him turning to greet you.

Confusion clouds his face. He’s cuter than you expected, with furrowed eyebrows and a pout that draws your eyes to his mouth with curiosity. You’ll find out their talents soon enough. 

“Hi,” you smile.

“Hi?” he parrots.

“I’m Y/N.” Eyes round with faux innocence, you make a point to take a few seconds staring at his mouth before meeting his curious gaze.

“Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung. The name rolls along your tongue easily. You light up at the way his eyes follow the curve of your mouth around the sound. It’s too easy.

Pushing forward, chest to chest; raising on your toes. You relish in another shiver at the brush of your mouth against his ear. “Is this your party?”

“Yeah, it’s my roommate’s birthday,” he says.

So that’s who June knows. 

“Cool. Wanna show me your room?”

“What?” You can hear the record scratch in Soonyoung’s brain; see the disbelief in his eyes.

Stepping into his space, your gaze burns a path from his lips to his eyes before you repeat, “your room?”

“Yeah, yeah. I can…definitely do that. This way!”

His own friends, still circled in the corner, gape in their own disbelief. Soonyoung has you charging through the crowded living room and down the hallway. Good. Even more bodies fill the narrow space but he nearly pushes them aside, waving off any grunts of discontent at his roughness.

You pass several doors on each side, all closed from prying eyes but you don’t have an interest anyway. His room is at the end of the long passage. A whiteboard with a crude image of a tiger and a rainbow hangs at eye level, coupled with ‘TamTam + Hoshi 5ever’ but you don’t have time to admire the art before you’re inside.

“So, this is it,” Soonyoung announces, hands wringing in front of his chest nervously. 

The tiger thing isn’t so much a coincidence and more of a theme. A poster of a tiger hangs on the wall above the dresser. But it’s not the worst of it. His bed hosts several plushies, all different sizes and shapes but certainly tigers. 

Whipping around, you eye him with incredulity. “Are you a fucking furry?”

“No!” He shakes like a bobblehead. Like he’s had to explain it dozens of times before. “It’s a joke! From college, with my friends.”

“A joke where you collect tiger memorabilia as a grown man?” You shoot back.

“It’s not that bad.”

Eyebrows flying to your hair line, you make a sweep of the room. “You have a framed picture of a tiger, are wearing a tiger suit, and have a miniature army of stuffed animals.” 

“Okay, maybe it is that bad, but I’m not a furry.”

If he was hiding more of the garish pattern out of sight you wouldn’t be surprised. For good measure, you fold over the blanket of his bed and sigh relief to find navy sheets instead of orange. You’ve slept with weirder guys for less but it’s nice to know he isn’t that weird.

“Whatever you say. But if you ask me to wear a tail, I’ll walk back out there and tell everyone.”

You peel your shirt off without another word. Once your vision is free of the fabric, you’re met with a starstruck man — mouth open, eyes skimming your chest, and what seems to be a half-chub tenting his pants. You revel in the silent awe rolling off him, preening at the attention. So easy.

But Soonyoung seems to come to his senses when you start working on the zipper holding together the back of your skirt shut.

“Woah, okay. We don’t have to go so fast,” he says, taking a step in your direction.

“So I should put my shirt back on?” You make for it like the threat is real.

“Let’s not be too hasty! I’m just saying, maybe we should, like, talk a bit first?”

Your feet carry you until there’s barely a breath between his body and your own. Soonyoung’s shirt brushes against your naked stomach with each stuttered breath as you eye his lips. “Well, do you wanna talk or do you want your dick sucked? Because I can only do one at a time.”

“Definitely the second one,” Soonyoung starts, dipping his hands to your ass for a harsh squeeze while shepherding you to his bed.

His mouth tastes like smoke and need. A disgusting combination if not for your tipsy brain easily ignoring it in favor of focusing on the roughness of his touch.

Soonyoung is eager, to say the least. He can’t touch you fast enough; hands darting from your ass, to your sides, to your breasts, and back down again. If this was happening at your apartment you’d tie him down and refuse to let him feel anything at all just to watch him squirm. 

You manage to flip him under you, pinning him in place with your thighs to rest across his lap like a throne. Taking the change in stride, he uses the new angle to mouth over your bra; sucking harshly at your covered nipples till they stiffen for his fingers to pinch at.

“Condoms?”

Soonyoung shakes his head. 

Digging the heel of your hand into his forehead successfully unlatches the suction around your nipple.  He pouts at the interruption.

“You don’t have condoms?”

“I do, but I’m not about to fuck you after two seconds of making out,” Soonyoung argues. “I‘m not even hard yet.”

Shocked by the sudden attitude, you huff before rolling your hips down. You're met with a familiar lump pressing into the crotch of your pants, and Soonyoung has the nerve to simply return to his previous task as you rock against him again.

“Liar,” you pant after a delicious drag of his teeth on your collarbone and his cock against your ass.

You stay locked like that for a while, writhing against one another as clothes come off without abandon. Your bra first, then the damn tiger onesie. Soonyoung gets you on your back before flipping up your skirt and pulling your panties to the side, revealing your drenched center.

He sucks a bruise on your nipple, tongue messy as he explores what’s between your legs with a gentle stroke of his fingers.

“Can I go down on you? Please say yes.” Soonyoung traces the request across your chest with more nips of his teeth. 

“You have to ask?”

“Consent is sexy.”

“You sound like a PSA,” you comment. “But, yeah go ahead.”

Your hips lift to aid in removing the last scraps of clothing. There’s no shyness as you spread your legs wide, flashing the aftermath of a good make-out session for Soonyoung eyes only.

“Oh my god,” he moans.

The heat of his breath fans across your folds, sending a shiver down your spine. He doesn’t even blink as you clench from the aching need to be filled with whatever he’s ready to offer,

“What?”

“This is gonna make me sound weird again, but you have a really pretty pussy.”

Not something any previous partners have chosen to comment on, but you preen under the compliment. “Thanks.”

“No. Thank you,” Soonyoung says before looking at the ceiling. “God, thank you so much for blessing me like this.” 

“Stop being lame or I'll leave.” 

“Sorry, you’re hot.” He says it like an accusation. “Just wanted to let the universe know I recognize that and appreciate it.” 

“How about you recognize the fact I’m drying up as we speak?” 

“No you aren’t,” Soonyoung argues. “You’re dripping on my sheets.” 

Your hand skates across your front, falling between your thighs. Like hypnosis, he watches with rapt attention as you frame your clit between two fingers, giving a clear target for his attention. 

“Then do something about it.”

With a hand fisted in his hair, he does. An aggressive suck against your clit without warm-up sends a tremor through your core. Your fingers knot in his hair, twisting until he’s forced away from your cunt with a petulant frown. 

“If you keep licking my clit like a scratch off I will make you cry.” A jostle of the bed tells how effective your words are. “Oh my god. Did you just?” 

“I’ve never been threatened in bed before, okay? I'm just as shocked as you.”

He hides the embarrassment by wedging back between your thighs, gentler than before, lapping away the new flood of arousal from his responsiveness. A thrill hums down your spine and settles where Soonyoung’s mouth returns to work. His shoulders burn hot against the underside of your thighs, every surge of muscle rocking you back into the slick of his tongue. 

“Fuck.”

“Better?” he asks around a mouth full of pussy.

There might very well be a crowd at the door listening to every lewd squelch and pathetic whine, but you don’t care. A little direction, a grind of your hips when he does well and the sting of your nails when he gets ahead of himself does wonders. Soonyoung is eager to please and impress. You could probably lay here for an hour without a complaint for him; if anything, he’d actively encourage such indulgence if it meant your approval. 

It makes the temptation to overwhelm him too sweet to ignore. 

One of the hands flat against your stomach falls away easily, knotting his fingers through yours because of course he’d be the type to hold hands during sex. It’s cute, but that fondness is stomped down for something safer. 

Like sucking two fingers between your lips like it's his cock.

Soonyoung grunts frustration straight into your core, refusing to watch you wet his hand even when you moan at the prod against the back of your throat. Another hump against the mattress as an edge of teeth drags over his knuckles. 

You can’t help but laugh as he scrambles to stretch you across them. He curls one slowly, like you’ll object. When you don't, Soonyoung adds the other and resettles your thigh so he can watch them disappear inside. His knuckles return even more soaked and even you can’t pretend it isn’t a turn-on. 

“Fuck, you’re so hot.”

Before you can respond, he’s licking away the fresh wave of wetness from his praise. It isn’t new information, but Soonyoung is impossibly earnest and you’re pretty sure if he came from eating you out he’d be just as satisfied as if you fucked him.

“Gimme a third.”

Soonyoung moans like he’s the one getting off as he does what you ask. 

Your legs lock, sore at the hips from being dragged to the edge so quickly. It bubbles just under the surface. Too far away where you can’t reach it but know Soonyoung can. He knows it too by the way you whisper his name. 

“If you touch yourself right now will you cum?” 

“Probably.” 

“Good.” You're overeager, just like the man between your legs, but the idea he can get off from eating you out can’t be ignored. “Show me.” 

“If you make me cum twice tonight I will talk to my therapist about you, so no.”

You whine a protest. Something that would sound far more responsible falling from his lips in the established dynamic, but you don’t care. One of your feet wedges between the bed and his crotch, toeing along the bulge still hidden behind a pair of thin boxers.

“Is it not enough that I might cum from you insulting me, you have to see it happen?” He asks. 

The picture behind your eyelids is nothing short of demonic; pulling Soonyoung’s boxers down and the inside sticky with cum, but his cock still hard because once is definitely not enough. Or streaks of white coating his chest and thighs, the perfect trail to trace your tongue over. 

You don’t even have a chance to share the fantasy before he splits you on his tongue again. Firmer this time, with a hard press to your knees that has you vulnerable and exposed. He keeps his tongue flat and heavy on your clit. Perfect to grind up against until you shudder.

Since you can’t get Soonyoung to give in, you settle for ruining any future encounter he might have by making a show.

Your fingers tickle up your stomach, nails raising goosebumps at the soft touch. Back and forth and back and forth, a little higher each time until you catch the hill of your chests and circle the hard peaks. There's no reason to ease into it, not when you sneak a glance down and find a pair of brown eyes framed between your legs.

The way he watches makes you feel dirty. Nipples pebbled between your fingers, you arch into his next move. His tongue stays flat for you to use. You curl into it, humping Soonyoung’s face like he’s nothing more than a toy to get off on. 

“Shit, shit, shit.” 

He’s definitely slipped a fourth finger inside. The stretch borders just on the edge of pain but you take it in stride. Soonyoung looks like he might cum before you do. 

“I’m – oh. Just like that.” You groan deep from your core. 

Your clit is throbbing with sensitivity as he continues to coax pleased sounds from your tongue. Heating from the inside out, your hands abandoned the torture on your chest in favor of keeping Soonyoung in place so you can rut against him.

A switch flips with your next moan. Hands on your stomach, your breasts, shoving your thighs out of the way as he digs into your cunt like the best meal the world will know. 

“Cum for me. Please let me see you come,” Soonyoung begs. 

Fizzling out, you do what he asks. Your stomach tenses for a second and then you fly off the mattress from locked muscles. 

Soonyoung doesn’t stop as you twitch, nor when you kick an ankle into his side. Maybe you go a little wet at the eyes as he forces you straight into a second orgasm without an ounce of reprieve but it's probably coincidence.

Soonyoung finally moves away at an inhuman whine. His mouth is stained with the taste of you, but he wears it well. It almost makes you want to push him back down and see if you can survive a third orgasm.

To stop from blindly following temptation, you roll until you’re sat in his lap. You must look as disheveled as you feel; sweaty and strung out. Ready for more.

“Wait,” he sighs with the pain of a man delaying his own gratification. “Wear these.”

The wrinkled satin bunny ears knocked from your head earlier come back into view. Soonyoung doesn’t  even pretend to be ashamed as he plants them back on your head before finding the dip of your waist again.

You hate the idea of giving in so easily, but Soonyoung’s need rolls off him in thick waves feeding straight to your ego.  “Oh, but you’re not a furry?” 

His cock fits well against the curl of your fingers as you stroke him, standing tall and proud from his lap. Oddly enough, you get his earlier sentiment. You’ve never thought of a dick as pretty but Soonyoung’s is nice. Red and leaking at the tip, you’re tempted to duck your chin and get a taste, but Soonyoung drags you up to his mouth before you can even make a good faith try.

“Stop being mean to me or I’ll bust a nut,” he whines.

“Can’t have that,” you snicker. “Condoms?”

“Drawer.”

The door slams open in your haste. It’s a mess of lube, sex toys, and random chargers. Who keeps a phone charger where their lube is? Too eager for the promise of such a pliable partner doesn’t leave with an interest in asking, and the way he continues to suck at your throat isn’t helping. Until you find something that stokes your curiosity even more.

“Soonyoung. What are these?” 

A set of fuzzy tiger print cuffs dangle from your fingers. The jokes write themselves. But you ignore the re-occurrence of orange and black because you really want to know if he likes bondage. (Hopefully it’s a yes. Even more hopeful is he likes to be on the receiving end.)

“Birthday present.”

“Your friends are weird,” you say. “Have you used them?”

He looks shy, like he hasn’t just asked you to don animal ears and ride him into the mattress. Handcuffs are nothing in comparison but you wait out the nerves flashing on his face. “Maybe.”

“On who?”

“Umm…”

“Have you been handcuffed?” 

Do you want to be? The idea is just another fantasy you’ll think about later in the dark of your room when you need a quick way to get off. 

“No.”

“Lame,” you tease before tossing them to the floor and shoving a foil packet into his chest.

Soonyoung’s ability to multitask is nonexistent. Not when your nipping his ear lobe and whispering how bad you want him to fuck you; how you can’t wait to feel him inside you; how big his dick is. Perfect flattery that makes him whine and fumble the condom over and over again until you grant clemency and do it yourself.

His hands are rough against your ass as you slip him inside, slow because you want him to suffer just a little bit. Your thighs scream in protest at the angle but Soonyoung looks at you like he’s watching a miracle unfold and the discomfort is more than worth it.

If there was time, you’d let him fuck you from behind just to see how he’d fair with such a visual, but this is already dragging out too long. Soonyoung looks like he needs more time to adjust to the way he’s digging in your walls than you do. So you keep theme and start bouncing on his cock just to watch him go insane.

“God,” he grunts, neck strained and a vein rising on his forehead. “You’re fucking tight. Shit.”

Your eyelids flutter shut in focus. “Keep talking. Tell me how it feels.”

“Feels amazing, oh my god. You’re so wet.”

Your pelvis tilts so he can meet each stroke from below. The slap of skin on skin drowns out any other noise; the music, the screaming partygoers just outside. If someone walks by his door they’ll figure out what's happening in a second. Makes you want Soonyoung to be louder.

“You’re so hard for me.” 

You sink flat until your ass is cradled against the firmness of his thighs. You use the leverage to sit up and give an uninterrupted view of your front; how your breasts bounce with each movement, where his cock sinks deep into your guts without any resistance.

“All for you,” he nods, eyes wild and unfocused. There’s sweat on his neck and you can’t fight the sick urge to suck against the muscle laying underneath. “Fuck you make me so hard.”

“Should’ve let me suck your dick.”

“I know,” he whines. An arm loops around your waist, crowding you into the sheets from a smooth flip. An open mouth kiss, really just panted breath and tongue, distracts you further. A thumb at your chin keeps you pliant to whatever he wants.

He rocks deeper, as if it's possible. Surges right into that spot that curls your chest tight with rough fluidity. Your thighs fold wide to give him room.

One of your hands rubs at your clit to catch up.

“God, yeah, touch yourself for me.” Soonyoung whines. “Can you come again?”

He’s not just a sub, he’s a sadist.

“I—”

“Please,” he begs with a hard rush. 

“Yeah, okay,” you mumble. “Fuck me harder. Make me cum on your cock.”

You dig your free hand in his hair, tugging until it stings at the roots just the way he likes. The reward is another harsh rut of his hips that leaves you gasping for air. 

“Fuck. Right there, baby,” you moan along with the sloppy noise echoing between your thighs. “Don’t stop.”

You scramble to grab his ass, pulling him flush against you for the perfect angle to batter your insides. Your skins on fire as you tumble closer and closer to that point of no return. 

“Soonyoung!” you gasp. It’s right there. That blissful ending is just a hairwidth away. 

“God, you’re so hot,” he folds in half as he says it, crushing you underneath his body until you're bent in half in his lap with the wet of his tongue at your jaw. “Cum for me, cum on my cock.”

You twist tighter under his insistence, shrinking and shrinking, and then — finally — it splinters. The waves rock through you, head forced back into the pillows from the force of moans wrecking your throat. “Oh— fuck, that—god. Oh.” 

Vision black against the inside of your eyelids, you melt into nothing. Only Soonyoung’s grip keeps you from shaking apart into a million pieces as you whine into his mouth. 

“Holy shit, that was so hot,” he’s rambling the way to his own end, hips shaky from the way you’ve wetted his cock. “You’re so hot. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

You want to watch him cum. Even if the temptation to lay there and take it is sweet you won’t give in. 

Bangs sticking to his forehead with sweat, Soonyoung is a mess in his own right. Pink at the ears, lips bruised. You can’t get enough. His eyes darken as you suck along his thumb, tongue lashing against the sensitive pad. Soonyoung isn’t the only one that wishes you got to suck his dick. 

“Cum on me,” you whine. 

He pulls out, quickly tossing the condom aside. Your hand is already waiting to jerk him off over your body, the grease of the latex making the strokes smooth as Soonyoung fucks your fist with the same desperation as your pussy. It takes only a few thrusts before you feel the heat of his spend drip across your chest and stomach. You’re careful to stay still, body spread flat as he coats you in pale streaks. 

“Fuck,” he gasps. He twitches when you don’t stop, biting his tongue through the sting of overstimulation until he has to pull away.

Soonyoung collapses to the side. Shoulder to shoulder, you catch your breaths in the dull thump of music.

“That was fun.” You pat his stomach before standing. The floor is a mess of clothes needing to be plucked through. His shirt becomes a cum rag as you wipe away the mess staining your body.

“You aren’t gonna stay?” He calls from the bed. 

“No?” 

Why would I? you think while pulling on your underwear.

Soonyoung watches, splayed across the bed with his dick still wet in his lap. “Then, can I, like, call you sometime?” 

“No thanks.” 

“If you keep being mean to me I’m going to fall in love with you.”

 “Quoting New Girl isn’t giving me much incentive to be nicer,” you snort, untangling your bra. 

“It’s a great fucking show.” 

“Here’s a tip: if you want to fuck me again, stop being such a loser.” 

“You still let me hit so I think you like losers.” 

He’s smiling. You really need to find your underwear so you can get away from it.

“I like hot guys with big dicks,” you shrug. “You happen to be that.” 

“I know you want me,” he sings

“Dead, maybe.” 

“You’d miss my stroke game.” 

“I’d love to stroke you.” You coo. “With a bat. To the head.” 

“I love when you talk dirty to me, baby.” He groans with dramatic flair. “By the way, you have cum on your skirt.” 

You do, on the hem somehow. A mystery to be solved when you’re safely back in the crowded expanse of a party and not alone with the guy with a tiger fetish you might want to fuck again. “Not the first time.” 

“God…. Please give me your number.” 

You can’t swallow the smile blooming at his request. Instead, you turn to leer over him. He’s watching your mouth, licking his lips like he wants to drag you down for another tumble. “Keep begging.” 

He’s got enough humor to get on his knees and clutch his hands to his chest pathetically. You’re still close, watching him down the slope of your nose while hiding a smirk. 

“Queen of my dick, please bestow a crumb of kindness and allow me the pleasure of hitting you up at 3 AM.” 

“That time I almost caved.” You back away just in time for him to stumble over himself. “Too bad I don’t fuck guys into furry shit at 3 AM.” 

“One, not a furry. Two, who do you fuck then?” 

“One, you're not fooling anybody.” You take extra time straightening out your hair in the mirror just so he can stare at your ass. You feel him do it. “Two, myself.” 

“I will pay real money to see that.”

“I know you would. So you’re never gonna.”

He’s watching you like some lovesick fool, glowing in the light with ignorance of what comes next. Part of you doesn’t want to crush someone as earnest as he is but staying the night is out of the question when you can still hear the party rattling through the walls.

“If I give you my number,” you start. “You have to give me this.”

It’s one of the smaller plushies. Soft to the touch and attached to his keys hanging by the door. It’s cute and perfect enough to satisfy your friends’ demands. Also, an excuse to see him again if you really want.

 Maybe you do. 

“TamTam?” Soonyoung asks from your side. You didn’t even hear him approach but he’s got boxers on so it took him a minute.

“You name your stuffed animals?”

“TamTam is special.” 

“Oh, he is?” you ask. “Well, how bad do you want my number?”

“I don’t know…” Soonyoung starts. 

Your face stings at the rejection but you bury it before giving it a chance to fester into something that needs thinking about. Looking back in the mirror to correct the smudges in your make is the only cover you’ve got.

“Okay,” he nods. “But if you do anything to him I will actually cry.”

TamTam is thrust into your hands and you can’t help but smile. It’s cute. Soonyoung is cute. And it actually might make you explode. 

You hate it.

“I pinky promise I will throw myself in front of a bullet for TamTam.”

He locks his pinky around your extended one, “Good.”

And then he’s kissing you again. Every thought melts away under his lips, soft against your own with a new sweetness. The edge of the dresser digs into your spine as he crowds you against it for more leverage but it’s merely an afterthought.

Soonyoung (not a furry): btw i lied [12:15 AM] Soonyoung (not a furry): im not hitting you up at 3am [12:15 AM] Soonyoung (not a furry): what are you doing tomorrow night (pls say me) [12:16 AM] You: tamtam and i are busy [12:33 AM]

Maybe you smile at the string of intelligible letters you receive after sending the picture of you kissing TamTam’s cheek. It’s no one's business if you do anyway.

Taglist: @tomodachiii @cvpidyunho @miniseokminnies @ddaengpotate @arycutie

@gaebestie @primoppang @gyuguys @mine-gyu @doremifasire

@missminhoe @toplinehyunjin @crvs4vldtn @prettygyuuu @sliceofwoozi @writingbarnes

@dokyeomkyeom @christinewithluv @minwonfairy @idkjustlovingbts @wobblewobble822 @futuristicenemychaos

© highvern. copying/reuploading/translating my work anywhere is strictly prohibited.

#svthub #ksmutsociety #kvanity #kwon soonyoung #hoshi #kwon soonyoung smut #hoshi smut #seventeen smut #seventeen fanfic #svt x reader #soonyoung x reader #hoshi x reader #svt #svt smut #seventeen #seventeen hoshi #🫡 highvern

[adirtylittleheart]

TICK TOCK, TIMES UP An established friend of the triplets, but also Chris' ex visits them in L.A. He wants her back. What will happen after a late-night encounter in the kitchen? Warning: 18+ All are over 18 in my writings. Smut. Fucking. P in V. Squirt. Cocksure Chris! ChrisXOC. Notes: Listened to X^2 by Tuxy Music while I wrote this. Enjoy! '' Chris was close enough that her breasts were brushing against his chest as her breathing elevated. Chris started getting hard, and the heat washed through him. ‘’I could be wrong though. Maybe you don’t want my dick in you, stretching you, making you cum…filling you up with my cum…’’ ''

Tick Tock, Time's up ‘’Are you okay?’’ Nick asked and put his hand on Eva’s back when he saw her putting a hand to her forehead. She let out a faint sigh and then she dropped her head slightly. They were enjoying a night of lazing about on the couch, watching a movie when Eva started feeling slightly ill.

‘’I think so. Just a little tired,’’ Eva said

‘’You sure?’’ Nick asked and rubbed her back gently

‘’We spent a lot of time in the sun at the beach while you were filming. Well…Eva did. I hid under my hat and an umbrella, sipping on ice cold pina coladas. Probably too much sun,’’ Matt’s girlfriend, Elle said

‘’Why don’t you go lay down for a bit, Evie?’’ Matt asked looking overly concerned

‘’I think I might,’’ Eva said and smiled at them all as she pushed herself from the couch and stood up.

‘’Call us if you need anything,’’ Chris said as she started making her way to Chris’s room.

‘’Thank you,’’ Eva said glancing over her shoulder at him with a grateful smile.

Chris’ eyes followed her all the way until she turned the corner to go down the stairs. He shifted on the couch, pulling his legs off the table. Nick chuckled and shook his head while Matt rolled his eyes, a smile playing on his lips. They looked at each other knowingly and then looked at Chris again. He lifted his can of soda to his lips, lost in his thoughts of Eva.

Eva was a friend of the triplets for as long as any of them could remember. They grew up together in Boston, and it was nostalgic for every one of them. It was something that no one could take away from them, no matter how hard they tried. They had invited Eva to come stay with them in L.A for a few weeks over the summer to take her mind off losing a close family member. She was eternally grateful to them and she got along with Matt’s girlfriend, Elle, like they too were old friends.

‘’What’s going on?’’ Elle asked when she saw the looks between the brothers

‘’I told you how they used to be in a relationship and Chris screwed it up. Dumbest thing he ever did. He still wants her though,’’ Matt replied as Elle snuggled closer to him

‘’Shut the fuck up, Matt,’’ Chris said, ‘’I never intended on hurting her. I loved her,’’ he said, and then dropped his voice, ''I still do.''

‘’But what happened?’’ Elle asked

Chris sighed and slumped back onto the sofa, ‘’A few months after we moved here, a mutual friend of ours told me Eva was seeing someone else because she couldn’t handle the distance between us. Our friend kinda followed Eva, and caught her going into the guy's house. I was so hurt that I jumped the gun and I thought doing the same thing to her was the way to go. I didn’t even wait to talk to Eva, I just went and…fucked it up that same night I was told. Literally. I wanted her to feel the hurt I was feeling so I fucked someone else.'' ''The shitty thing about this is, Eva never was with anyone else. She was tutoring a kid. Chris would never have done what he did if our so-called friend hadn't interfered. That ''friend'' was after Chris, that's why she did it. Is it even worth saying that friend is no longer part of our lives?'' Nick said ''But...you were tricked...right? Elle asked ''I still hurt her. It doesn't take away that I didn't talk to her before I acted on my impulses. Eva forgave me because she loves my brothers and family as much as they love her, but she said she could never forget and to this day she won’t talk about it. She will be friends with me, but nothing more.’’ Elle gave Chris a warm smile, ‘’maybe you should try a little harder. You never know.''

Chris gave her a smile but it was weak. He had been trying to talk to her ever since but to no avail. She flat-out refused, always cutting him off as soon as he mentioned the word ‘talk’. However, he was willing to keep trying. ***

Chris had just gotten out of the shower and was getting ready to put his pajamas on when he heard a noise downstairs. He was staying in Nick's room while Eva was there, staying in his room. He looked at the time on his phone and frowned, then left the room. As he descended the stairs he looked towards the kitchen and saw Eva standing at the fridge getting herself a bottle of water. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her in a thin white, short, little top. She was wearing a pair of black t-back panties that rode low on her narrow hips. When she closed the fridge and turned around, Chris’s heart thumped against his chest. Her breasts were straining against the little top, and it showed off her toned midriff. Even from that distance, he could see her nipples through the thin fabric. He pulled his eyes up and smiled to himself seeing her long, wavy hair and big hazel eyes. She had rosebud lips that were full and pouty. She was the picture of innocence despite her attire. She walked to the table and picked a grape from a bunch that was bought earlier that day. He smiled wider knowing she loved cotton candy grapes and he had gotten them specifically for her. The smile, however, turned into a frown when she closed her big hazel eyes, lifted the bottle of cold water, and held it up to her chest for a few seconds before putting it against her neck. It was the middle of summer and the temperatures were soaring but he still worried that she wasn't feeling well. Chris continued down the stairs and stopped next to the table, quietly putting his phone on the table.

When Eva opened her eyes, they widened and she let out a scream as she threw the bottle of water at Chris.

He laughed and caught the bottle like a pro. Just a minute ago, he had been concerned that she was still feeling ill but, on the contrary, it seemed she wasn’t doing too bad.

‘’Jesus, Chris,’’ Eva said, her hand flying up to her heart.

‘’I see we have to start teaching you to throw a little better,’’ he said, and threw the bottle up into the air. It flipped over twice while in motion and then came down only for him to catch it perfectly.

‘’I didn’t want to hurt you,’’ Eva said dropping her hand to her side again.

Chris almost doubled over with laughter. ‘’Anything you say, sweetheart,’’ he said and held out the bottle of water for her.

‘’That was pretty bad, huh?’’ she asked with a giggle, taking the water back

‘’Fucking awful,'' he said honestly, ''but you’re pretty much great at everything you do, so it’d be unfair to the rest of us if you were perfect at everything,’’ he said

‘’Well, that escalated from me being great to perfect, so thank you. You’re pretty great at everything too, so…’’ she said and shrugged her shoulders

He smiled at her and ran a hand through his still damp hair, ‘’how are you feeling?’’ he asked

‘’Actually great. I think I might have been a little dehydrated… that’s… all…’’ she replied, her words trailing off when she realized Chris was standing before her in nothing but a towel riding dangerously low on his hips. Suddenly, every one of her senses heightened. His fresh scent enveloped her and his near-naked body sent a pleasant shiver down her spine. He looked perfect with his damp hair and that chuckle escaped him as she looked on, had her shifting from one foot to another on her spot. She realized how wet she was getting just having him so close to her.

‘’You okay?’’ Chris asked and as his eyes raked over her tiny body, she became acutely aware that she was barely wearing anything. She took a deep breath that helped her chest heave and pushed out towards him. She only gave a nod, unable to form words…too scared to form words.

‘’Evie,’’ Chris said and took a step towards her ‘’you can’t go on with your heart on loan. Your heart aches and I want to heal it. My heart aches! We can heal together. If there is ever anything you need to know, it’s that I felt like my world fell apart when all that happened and I didn’t think clearly. The hurt I felt overtook all reasoning. Can we please fix this? You’re too scared to take my hand and believe the truth, but please try. I will never break again. Why won’t you just talk to me?’’

Eva shook her head and started walking away but Chris grabbed her wrist. ‘’Why?’’ he asked, persistent

‘’Because Chris,’’ Eva said, her feelings for him rushing forward like a freight train, ‘’because I might say something I shouldn’t.’’

‘’What?’’ he asked

Eva groaned and tried to walk away again trying to hold her composure. She felt herself starting to get unglued. However, Chris was still holding her wrist.

‘’Just talk to me!’’ he said starting to raise his voice

All Eva’s feelings started bubbling over, which she had desperately tried to push away, and Chris wouldn’t let her go so she could simmer down. ‘’I can’t because I'm scared I might say something like I still love you!’’ the words had just tumbled out her mouth.

Her eyes widened and she gasped, then clasped a hand over her mouth. Chris slowly grinned and took another step towards her.

‘’I love you too,’’ he said and let go of her wrist, lifting his hand to her cheek. She let her hand fall from her mouth as he tilted her head up to meet his. ‘’I love you more than I can ever express.’’

Eva let out a soft whimper and stood on her tippy toes meeting his lips. She pushed her lips to his and then pulled back. Chris slipped an arm around her waist and placed his hand on the small of her back, then pulled her closer to him. Eva smiled again, their lips inches from each other. She snaked a hand around to the back of his neck and although she knew he wanted to kiss her, she also knew he was waiting for her to. He needed her to.

Eva put her lips on his and kissed him, then again, and again until neither could take it anymore and both parted their lips. Their tongues intertwined and danced as they deepened the kiss, craving and savoring the taste of each other. She stood up on her tippy toes again, wanting more of him. As she stood on her tippy toes, Chris’ hand moved down to her ass and he cupped a cheek and squeezed it. Eva let out a muffled, soft moan, pushing her body to his and grinding against his hard dick just as Chris's phone started to ring.

‘’Fuck!’’ Chris shouted when he pulled from the kiss. He wanted to ignore it but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on anything if he had to wonder the whole time if it was one of his brothers needing to speak to him. Or his mom or dad.

‘’Answer,’’ Eva said and Chris reached over and grabbed his phone.

Eva bit her bottom lip studying him again. She had never met anyone like Chris and she constantly compared other men to him. He was right, she always had her heart on loan…because it belonged to him and she always had it on loan for him because she did love him but maybe it was time to stop punishing him and herself.

Lost in her thoughts, she wasn’t paying attention to what Chris was saying, but when he said the name ‘’Charlotte’’ she suddenly found herself wondering if she was doing the right thing. She started walking away but when she got to half way to the stairs, she felt Chris grab her arm gently. She stopped in her tracks and Chris stepped around her and held out his hand, then waved his index finger in the air from side to side, indicating to not leave. She felt herself getting wetter with that finger he was moving around. Oh, he did great things with those long fingers.

‘’Please,’’ Chris mouthed to her and she gave a nod, but Chris, unsure grabbed her arm again and pulled her to the wall.

‘’Hey,’’ Chris said into the phone, ‘’I can’t make it, I told you that already.’’

Chris stood in front of Eva and extended his free arm, putting his hand against the wall, next to her head. He closed his eyes for a second and sucked in a breath. Who ever he was on the phone with, was starting to irritate him.

‘’I’m going to turn my phone of now. Just a warning in advance so you don’t accuse me of something,’’ he said and opened his eyes again, pulled the phone from his ear and ended the call. He shook his head and tossed his phone to a pile of merch clothing he was going through earlier and just haphazardly dropped to the floor.

He looked at Eva who raised her brows. ‘’That was just an influencer we know. She gets drunk and phones us to ask if we want to party with her which never happens so it gets irritating. She’ll phone tomorrow and apologize and do the same thing will happen tomorrow night. So why were you leaving?’’ he asked

‘’I thought…’’ Eva said and trailed off

‘’Thought what?’’ he asked, pushing for an answer

‘’You were busy,’’ she responded softly

‘’I wasn’t. Unless it’s you or my family, I’m not busy. Were you going to come back up?’’ he asked, his frustration starting to grow

‘’I don’t know, I got tired’’ Eva said softly

Chris sighed and swept the palm of his hand over his face in an effort to control his frustration. He wanted to scream but instead, calmingly said, ‘’you weren’t tired a few minutes ago.’’

‘’I…I just got tired,’’ she said and Chris stepped real close to her. He shook his head from side to side, slowly and put his other hand on the wall beside her head. Eva looked up at him as he looked down, meeting her eyes.

‘’What changed? We were ready to fuck. You wanted my dick, Eva, I know you did! I know all your tell tail signs. We fucked enough for me to know. What happened?’’ Chris asked and even though Eva was caged, he loved that she wasn’t one bit scared of him. She was captured and cornered but she showed no fear. He loved that she was always, always comfortable around him.

‘’Answer me, Evie,’’ he said and Eva’s breathing picked up, her chest rising and falling

‘’What?’’ Eva asked in a breath with a small shake of her head

Chris moved in even closer to Eva, bending his elbows slowly, ‘’do you want to fuck me?’’ he asked

She closed her eyes, her breathing didn’t slow and she unconsciously bit her lower lip. Chris smiled and leaned in to whisper in her ear, ‘’I think you do. I think that's exactly what you want. I was in the room this morning looking for a t-shirt while you were showering so I know what you did in there cause I heard you, and I also know you want the real thing.’’

Chris was close enough that, her breasts were brushing against his chest as her breathing elevated. Chris started getting hard, and the heat washed through him. ‘’I could be wrong though. Maybe you don’t want my dick in you, stretching you, making you cum…filling you up with my cum…’’

The bottle of water Eva was holding, slipped through her hand and fell to the floor but neither cared. She opened her eyes and locked hers with his. There was a desperation in them. A need. A craving. A hunger. They all matched the look in his. He knew she still wanted him.

‘’Say it. Say ‘‘I don’t want you to fuck me, Chris,’’’ he said

Eva let her bottom lip bounce back into place and she shook her head slowly but only slightly, though, deliberately. Left first, then right.

‘’Eva, if you don’t answer me, if you don’t say it…I’m ripping that top off, with your panties then, I’m throwing you onto the couch and we’re fucking. Tick Tock.’’

Eva rolled her plump lips between her teeth and blinked at him, then she dropped her eyes. She lifted an arm between herself and Chris, accidentally brushing the bulge under the towel. Chris sucked in a sharp breath and his hand curled up into a fist against the wall.

‘’Eva, time's running out, baby girl,’’ Chris said through clenched teeth, and when she still didn’t look at him or reply he gave up on the standoff. He was willing to give up his position...in a sense. He grabbed the back of Eva’s head and pulled her head closer to his. Their lips brushing, he said, ‘’times up,’’ and pushed his lips to hers.

He smiled when his lips parted hers and her tongue was the first to invade. Like a strike to flint, they ignited. Chris didn’t want to go all the way downstairs and the couches were the next best thing. Without disconnecting, he turned her around and guided her to the living room. Once next to the couch, Chris’s hands found her delicate little sting panties and she gasped into his mouth when it snapped apart with the first strong tug and silently hit the floor. He then fisted two handfuls of her top and since there were a few buttons at the top, and was so thin, it was easy for him to rip the material in two. He shoved it off her shoulders and down her arms until it was cascading to the floor. As the material settled around their feet, Eva yanked the towel off of him and tossed it aside. Her hands went back to him and she ran them along his V line and Chris sucked in a sharp breath.

Eva smiled and pulled away from the kiss. ‘’Where’s everyone? Shouldn’t we go to the -’’

‘’They went out,’’ he said cutting her off, ‘’they won’t be back for awhile.’’

She smiled again and she was just going to fall to her knees wanting to desperately taste him again but he easily lifted her and threw her onto the couch. He was torn for a second wanting her warm mouth and tongue around his cock – she was so good at it, but he needed to be inside her again. She let out a squeal, bounced once and steadied herself with her elbows and feet against the cushions.

‘’We can do all that later…and trust me, I wanna taste you again too cause I’ve never had anything sweeter but right now I need to fuck that tight little pussy so bad,’’ he said said scrambling onto the couch. With her legs splayed open showing her oh so smooth pussy to him, he could tell she was well wet, along with his pre-cum he knew they would be just fine.

He got between her thighs, aimed at her pussy and then he thrust deep inside knocking the breath out of both of them. She was wet against him, but so fucking tight, he didn't think I would be able to move in and out.

"Jesus," he groaned when she choked his cock further using the muscles surrounding it. He collapsed on top of her, hooking her knee with one arm and caging her head with the other. He felt her hands slide around the low of his back, then her hips shifted, grinding against him, and suddenly he was gone and the fire took over. He pulled nearly all the way out, dragging a moan from her, then slammed back in with an answering grunt. Then again. And again.

Her hips lifted with his, helping him dig deeper, and maximizing their contact. Every inch of her body was touching his and he finally dropped her leg, then kissed her deeply, sensually. She moaned with pleasure and he pulled from the kiss, feeling her pussy around him starting to slowly contract. He sat up and sped up his thrusts, desperate to feel her fall apart around him again. And she did. ‘’Already?’’ Chris asked

She nodded and she clamped around him with a vice-like grip as her orgasm elevated.

‘’Ohhh fuck,’’ she said and reached out trying to find anything to grip onto. Chris leaned over her and closed his hands over hers, intertwining his fingers with hers. She cried out as her orgasm hit her with full force, almost deafening Chris, but he gladly would have taken a slight loss of his hearing.

When she finally stopped shaking, he sat up again and grinned down at her.

‘’Fuck off…it’s been awhile,’’ she said with a laugh

Chris laughed and leaned over her again, wanting to kiss her again. She was the best he had ever had, hands down and he wanted more of her in every way possible.

As they kissed, he pulled out her, making her whimper into the kiss. She pulled back, giving him a confused look.

‘’Whose pussy is this?’’ Chris said sitting up straight again

‘’Yours, Chris, always,’’ she said

Chris, still smiling, diving her crazy, swiped his thumb over her clit.

‘’Fuck! Chris!’’ Eva said after a body jolt and taking in a sharp intake of air

Chris chuckled, ‘’I wanna hear you say it,’’ he said

‘’Fuck me, Chris,’’ she said through gritted teeth

‘’Be nice,’’ he said chuckling

‘’Now!’’ she answered back, making him laugh

‘’Fuck yes!’’ he said and got off the couch and put his knees on the floor. Thank the fuck Eva tossed the towel so close because she wasn’t great at throwing things after all. Eva began to protest but he grabbed her and pulled her to him. He turned her so her face and tits were facing the cushion. Chris drank in the spectacular view. He kept her legs between his, nearly pressing her thighs together, and worked his cock back into her pussy, burying it to the hilt. "Oh my God." Her head came off the couch and her back arched. Chris leaned forward, ‘’you feel so fucking amazing,’’ he breathed and found her lips, then kissed her. He sent one hand to her clit and the other skated up her spine and around her body to a breast. Eva broke the kiss with his first thrust and moaned loudly. The second, she took all of him.

‘’Holy shit, that’s so deep,’’ Eva said through a laugh

‘’You okay?’’ Chris asked holding still,

‘’A-fucking-mazing. Don’t stop, Chris,’’ she said

With a laugh, Chris started thrusting into her with fervent. He worked faster on her clit and moans of the utmost pleasure filed the room from both of them. Chris’ hand moved from her breast to her neck and he gently pulled her back so she was kneeling with her back plastered to his chest. "Jesus you’re perfect, Eva,’’ he said next to her ear

‘’I’m… going to… cum so hard,’’ Eva said feeling the build up in her muscles. ‘’I can feel it. Cum for me,’’ he said. She grew tighter at every thrust and wetter, too. ‘’I’m close too.’’

Her breathing got faster, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Her skin had a fine sheen to it.

‘’Oooh Fuuuck, yes, yes, yes!’’ Eva screamed and he was prepared for her intense grip on him, the rush of cum, and the contractions around his cock. But the shaking. Fuck. Her arms tried to find purchase, first on the couch, then by reaching back for him. Her hips lurched as she tried to fuck him back. A scream tore out of her and Chris was rewarded with a wet sensation against his groin area. His hand left her clit so he could encircle her waist to hold her through it. His other hand stayed lightly on her neck but he moved his forearm between her breasts and clutched her close as his own climax rushed forward.

‘’Oh Fuck! I’m…’’ Chris moaned then let out a lengthy groan with pleasure as his climax hit him head on. A massive load was pumped into Eva and she was triggered into another orgasm as he filled her womb near to bursting. Eva’s orgasm ripped through her body and she screamed as another flow was released from her. Chris eased his grip around her, when she pushed forward and she collapsed on the couch. Chris, although panting hard and still pumping in and out of her slowly as she rode out her climax, smacked her ass and squeezed it. He smiled at the perfect view in front of him. She was tiny and the most perfect round, toned ass. An ass cheek fit into his hand perfectly. They were both wet, dripping and glistening from cum and juices.

‘’Chris,’’ Eva murmured, pulling from his memorised state of pure bliss.

‘’Yeah, Evie?’’ he said said.

Eva let out a small, exhausted laugh, ‘’can we do that again?’’ she asked

Chris let out a laugh and leaned forward as her pulled his still hard dick out of her. ‘’Fuck yes. That was fucking amazing,’’ Chris said and found her lips when she lifted her head.

She didn’t have to ask…Chris was not only planning on doing it again many times, but he wanted to make up for lost time too. There was no more heart on loan. It was a sold given to Chris.

#chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo smut #sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #sturniolo fanfic #nick sturniolo #sturniolo fluff

[system-of-a-feather]

Full Integration, Final Fusion, Functional Multiplicitly, and General "Spirituality"

(Disclaimer: this is a very long post)

Heyyo, this is a bit of a hodgepodge of connected topics that I was thinking on this morning. For those that don't know, after like three months of being a really solid fused whole, we really decided that we needed to redivide back into our core parts to recenter, rebalance, and reorganize ourselves since our fused whole was loosing sight / vision of the "plot". We don't consider this "splitting" because we are still in - what we like to call "full integration" - and we don't really engage in much dissociation when we do this as the means of how we do this largely stems from the way we perceive, engage with, and view the concept of "self" and "identity." Our system highly values the mastery and art of a very fluid and ever changing sense of identity and self. This morning - thank you Chunn brain for batting our collective brain from the usual urge to get out of bed and get started with our day to give us time to really sit with our inner selves - we spent about an hour and a half and a small half hour nap just laying there thinking among ourselves and I wanted to share a few.

I think at the moment I am still mostly a fused whole and I had considered trying to go to Ray or Lin for them to write this, but it didn't feel right to go to Ray brain and Lin brain directly told me "Dude, this thought line started with Riku-dominant fused brain, trying to have someone else write it would be a disservice to the reflection. Let Riku or Riku-dominant fused brain do it, it's their thought." and you know, fair point. I think I'll use this post as a temporary "bye few thoughts" and love letter to our parts as a fused whole before leaving it to the individual specialists to do their things.

So introduction to this post aside, hello and temporary soon to be farewell before I choose to temporarily redivide into my main parts. Today is May 15, 2024 and I'm gonna document this a bit for when I come back whenever that is and kind of see if my fused-whole perspective and nature changes - mostly for myself. Online I go by Feathers, irl I just go by our chosen name.

I'm a (mostly, technically non-denominational independent, but most of my views and perspectives come from and align closely with) Zen Buddhist. I'm nonbinary vaguely transmasc (not really though?) intersex individual with the pronouns of they/them. I am extremely pro-endo and if I honestly felt like sticking around longer, I was thinking about writing a much more nuanced essay on tulpa-terminology discourse with my current reflections as a fused whole and as a pretty avid Buddhist but, unforunately, unless one of my parts still shares the same insight AND interest, that essay will have to wait for me to potentially be back (hey, Riku or Chunn might still want to who knows). I dunno what else to say, I love bird, Bleach, walking, driving, listening to music, video games, writing, art? I dunno man, I'm just me.

Documentation aside anyways, I gotta figure out where I want to start. I think I will actually piss my high-school English teachers off and start with the LAST thing in the title card. I might loose a lot of close minded white anti-endos here, but hey, if you are that close minded, then its your loss cause I'm just talking about late-stage recovery as a person with diagnosed DID that is considered polyfragmented. It's a fun conversation to have with other people with DID aiming for recovery so, if you're hell bent on hating people talking about plurality form a non-DID lens enough to disregard cool information, that's your loss. (Thank you XIV brain, crediting that to you for part of our goal today)

Buddhism, Spirituality, Plurality and Our Perspective of Full Integration

According to Buddhism, and one of the largest concepts and principles of Buddhism that we believe the most in and actively work to practice and cultivate the mindset of - is that the concept of "I" and the concept of a singular, distinct, and separate self from the world and others simply does not exist - only the experience and illusion of experience exists. I was talking about it with @quoigenicfromhell in DMs since they were interested in talking shop about Buddhism.

To save myself a whole effort of rewriting a discussion on how one can hold together the clear sensation of existing and being an individual with the idea and Buddhist understanding that the "self" does not exist, I'm going to copy a little bit of what I wrote in response to them. If it doesn't make sense cause its in a bit of Buddhist jargon, then oh well, I'm lazy, it's written for an audience that has done some reading and looking into Buddhist thought so RIP yall srry not srry (Thank you Chunn brain lol)

Honestly the development and understanding of holding those two things together (the non-self and non-existence with the clear experience of self and existence) is largely a lot of exploration on the understanding and respect for the experience without applying too much value or regard to said experience. Its kind of a hard thing to understand just based off of words alone and like all things Buddhism, its one of those sorts of things you really gotta sit on and explore in your own mental space, but like

The experience of self and personhood and existence is a denied concept in Buddhist thought, but its not a bad or incorrect thing, the experience of self and existence is kind of considered an inherent expression of life and the world and while its important to be cognicent that it is an illusion that can cause suffering and muddy an individuals ability to see Things As They Are, the experience and illusion of self is additionally an entirely natural thing to experience and is an important part of being able to, well, be

I kinda of personally perceive it kind of similarly to say a part in a system. Innately the part is not (at least in my experiences of systemhood) a literal entire separate being and thats an important thing to acknowledge for a number of reasons (life organization and direction, system accountability, etc) but its would also be incredibly foolish to completely ignore that the part operates, experiences themselves, and lives in the world (both inner and outer) as if they were an individual of their own

In the same sense that a part in a system can be seen both as an individual and a part of a whole / collective depending on what perspective and demands the moment needs. An individual can be seen both as the individual expression of a self informed by the arguably incorrect illusion of isolation OR as a part of the whole worlds expression depending on what serves the moment the best. I largely kind of see myself as part of a system that is the world much like I see my parts as part of a system that is "me". While the self may be an illusion, its not an experience that can be denied and it is an innate expression that in its own right can prove to be a great teacher So you deny the concept of a self but respect and revere the experience and innate natural expression of self

With that context in mind, while we do not believe in the concept of self and find that trying to seek out a concrete idea of a singular person and singular self in society is a source of extreme suffering, stress, and displeasure, we DEEPLY revere and honor the expression of self. As we see it, in a complete ideal and impossible the world would be in perfect harmony if we let the world express itself as it naturally does. We find that the experiences of self - in whatever form they take - are inherent and natural expressions of the world as a whole and to try to shape oneself to fit a specific image - may that be societally imposed or internally / personally imposed or a sense of envy or any sort of clinging or desire to a specific version / image of self - is a disrespect to the innate beauty found in the natural expression and a means of adding disharmony into the world.

As a result, our system and whole aims deeply, above almost all else to exist simply as we naturally would in any moment time to time. If we find that something we are doing with our sense of self is drawn and influenced too much on a "I should" or "I want" or "I wish" or "I hope" then we tend to pause, self reflect, and ask if we are actually existing in our natural state, or are we trying to fight against our natural state of self to fit into a self-imposed idea of what we "should be".

As a result of that, our system deeply values our flexibility, fluidity, and ability to change any aspect of ourselves, any opinion we hold, any identity label we consider, and our overall presentation in all ways and forms to a very high level. The desire to be consistent and predictable serves us little in simply practicing on "being" and finding the true and simply-run life that we want. That then results in why our system so casually flips around in system size, fusions, redivisions, how we refer to ourselves, etc. We find very little value in committing to labels and concepts and do whatever is natural for us.

Additionally, another large aspect of Buddhism our system deeply reveres and appreciates is the acknowledgement that there are "Buddhas" - or in less Jargon terms, potential for everything both internal and external to be teachers and guides into finding a sense of peace and simplicity in the world - and that it is deeply important to cultivating peace, happiness, and insight to actively always be seeking out the "Buddha" in everything and everyone. It's important to reflect, engage with, and talk with those "Buddhas" as they are the best and number one way to gain the insight that brings happiness and peace into life and removes excessive suffering and stress.

As many Buddhists agree (at least of the Mahayanan branches), everyone is inherently a Buddha because the world and everything is a Buddha. The only issue people have is that they can not connect, hear, and see clearly enough to be in that state due to a large number of human conditions - one large one being the aforementioned illusion of self.

Having lived my life as someone with DID and having gone through a lot of trauma therapy, self reflection, communication and coordination with my parts, and all that to the point we have reached functional multiplicity over a year plus ago and been able to hold a fully fused state for over three months, I feel like its a given to say that of ALL things in the world, the "Buddha nature" of my parts have been the best and most insightful teachers I've ever had. We revere each other's strengths and specialties greatly as each of us have taught the other great strengths, great understandings, great insights, and great appreciations that have collectively brought us so much peace and happiness. It's not to say any part is "enlightened" because each part is also deeply flawed and struggling in their own realms, but it is largely by working and talking and supporting one another and ACTIVELY looking to one another for insight and lessons about the world and our existence that we are able to reach a uniquely peaceful space.

For us, its an incredibly important practice - both for self care and in the art / spirituality of Buddhism - to regularly talk and engage with these specialized and uniquely-wise (and uniquely stupid - thank you XIV) parts of ourselves to gain deeper insight and overall understanding of ourselves and our place in the world.

In the same sense, it is why - despite being completely capable of operating as a fully fused whole - we regularly choose to INTENTIONALLY redivide into our parts. And no, its not us "splitting again" or even really throwing up any real level of dissociation / dissociative barriers. If anything, we usually do this through meditation and mindfulness.

It's a Buddhist practice, its not a mental disorder and its not stemming from the same mechanism's DID stems from. It might operate *based* on the foundation our history with DID stems from, but at this point in our healing, the way our system operates at functional multiplicity that is intentionally chosen to be that way AFTER reaching "final fusion" has a number of differences from how it operated before we reached general full integration.

Again, for those more familiar with the tulpa-terminology discussion, you might be able to see where I would have a long post delving into a highly nuanced and more middle-ground perspective of that syscourse from the paragraph above this one, but I'm gonna leave that cause I already know this post is long and it would detract from the purpose.

At this point, my system is mostly an "intentionally created one" to Western label standards. We personally do not see any significance or binary in plural VS singular people beyond it being a label some people identify with and not. Plural VS Singular is a false binary perpetuated in white, western, and european society and while I respect that perspective and view in a space that is primarily filled with white, western, and/or european individuals, I am going to firmly state that and expect you to give me that same respect. (and if you refuse to give me that same respect, then you are close minded and being very white / western lmao <- thank you XIV, again)

And so the other related but slightly different topic away from the more philosophical, esoteric, mysticism sounding topic of Buddhism...

Full Integration, Final Fusion, and Functional Multiplicitly

At this point, what we used to call "Wishiwashi Recovery" we kind of have taken to just calling "full integration" generally as a means of really breaking apart the suggested categorical and boxed binary of "final fusion" and "functional multiplicity" as our own experience and discussion with other systems at and near full integration have made us realize that the difference between functional multiplicity and final fusion is FAR more a spectrum than it is two seperate categories. Some systems stick to one end, some to the others, but the largest difference is in external and internal expression of the parts and less any fundamental or biological / clinical difference; at least not in terms of integration. (Note: Integration =/= Fusion; Integration is the general connectivity and accessibility of parts with less / limited / no dissociation)

It's a false binary to say Final Fusion or Functional Multiplicity and its why a lot of the "ones bad and ones good" syscourse is dumb. They're two heads of the same Doduo and they should be kissing. (JOKING, thank you Riku-Aya brain)

With that said, our system, as we've made clear, regularly and freely practices sliding and flying all over that spectrum as just how we like to engage with ourselves. We change between the two as we see fit and having spent probably like 9~ months in functional multiplicity and 3~ months in final fusion I wanted to share some pros and cons of both sides.

I would also like to put a disclaimer that this isn't meant to be "positives and why this side sucks" as much as it is the differences in life style according to our opinion and our experience. Both final fusion and functional multiplicity are absolutely WONDERFUL things overall and we love both states. If we got "stuck" in either, we would still be immensely happy. The purpose of this part is just to share certain differences in how we experience the two different ends. The Cons in these case are only "cons" relative to the "alternative" and not "to not ever reaching either"

Functional Multiplicity Pros:

A lot more clear and direct communication between parts internally that allows for a SHIT ton of internal banter, productive conversation about complex topic and perspectives from unique and diverse perspectives; the communication is a lot more intentional and a lot more in focus so its easier to properly sit and attend to the complex differences and sometimes conflicting directions

It's honestly just a lot of fun, not gonna lie. A lot more dramatic and extravagant expression + brain friends in a more overt sense

Easier to let certain parts of the brain take "breaks" - it's not the same as it is with not-fully-integrated DID but compared to Full Fusion, certain parts of the brain can "tune out" easier than not

More palatable to DID / OSDD spaces online

Easier to focus and use a wide variety of skills, interests, hobbies, and thinking patterns by simply just having a specialist part take their look at it

Generally easier to target specific boxes to look into as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Final Fusion Pros:

Quick and a lot more inherent understanding of all parts on a general gut level without necessarily needing to fully think about everything and listen to every opinion and perspective; there is a lot more of an inherent understanding, trust, and awareness of the collective whole which makes decision making and seeing whats good for the system as a whole a lot easier

It's honestly way more calming, relaxing, and solid feeling. There is a unique sense of confidence, understanding, and trust within yourself and you have a HUGE arsenal of skills and interests that come from the combined parts that you've lived as

You are a lot more present and aware of your life and you actually get to live YOUR life and have all parts of yourself be engaged in life; no part feels really left behind or is caught off guard from having their brain partially turned off. The awareness is really present and engagement is so much more complete.

More palatable in real life and non-DID/OSDD spaces

Easier to simultaneously use skills from multiple parts at once; very much a jack of all trades all at once situation

Generally easier to integrate multiple complex and otherwise seemingly detatched boxes of memory and the past as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Functional Multiplicity Cons:

Takes more intention, focus, and often time to get the same level of full understanding of the whole system when making decisions. It can be slow and it requires a lot more internal engagement which can make it harder to be fully present in life

Sometimes you can get what I call "lite" amnesia where a part was not paying attention and doesn't fully process what was going on / what is going on and so sometimes you get poor attention-driven "amnesia". It's small and easily recovered by simply going "hold up wait" and thinking back or asking another part

Harder to use skills from different parts at the same time; albeit definitely still possible and only "harder" relative to final fusion

Generally harder / requires intentional discussion between parts to integrate multiple complex boxes as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Final Fusion Cons:

Less direct and overt bantering and discussion between parts (still present by the way, just less frequent and less overt). It can be a little less fun (still is fun cause they are sill there) and it can be a bit harder to fully see the extent of a more extreme perspective

It can be tiring and overwhelming to be aware and present so much for so long if you were accustomed to the breaks DID / OSDD tends to give parts

Easier to forget to use a lot of the skills and hobbies that may have been more niche to less-dominant and less-prominent parts; you don't "loose" the skills, you just aren't accustomed to using them as much so you can just kinda forget to use them

Harder to focus on a targetted recovered memory / information that you want to process and can sometimes be a bit overwhelming trying to connect a number of things at once

And this is all just to say that both are absolutely astonishing and great places to mentally be. The main point is that - for us - sometimes one state works better for us in the moment and another state works better for us later and that's completely cool cause - as aforementioned - the difference between plural vs singular is not a binary one for us anyways.

Anyways, I don't know how to wrap this up so I'mma just post it

Ideally today we will focus on cultivating our independent parts and return to Functional Multiplicity end of the spectrum so I guess tata for now

-Feathers

EDIT and PS: Anyone is allowed to add their thoughts to this so long it is in good faith.

#feathers speaks #functional mulitplicity #final fusion #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #syscourse #syscourse tw #tulpacourse #tulpacourse tw #full integration #buddhism #long post

[chiharulen]

Let's talk about the OST of Black Butler

What really drew me to Kuroshitsuji was the music of the first two seasons. I remember so vividly listening to the music before watching the actual anime, and I remember how the OST made me feel. It was so sad, so raw and heart wrenching, even before knowing the story behind it. As a classical music fan and also musician, here are my favourites even though no one asked LOL :

I mean, with "Si deus me relinquint", I always want to cry. Clearly meant to be ciel's lament : "If God has forsaken me, Then I shall forsake God, too." The unusual spacing of each lyrics, as if the singer was panting her words with difficulties, as if too tired to continue. Then we can hear the gregorian/religious choir : "agnus dei qui tollis peccata mundi" : "Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us." Reminiscing of the cult, and the sacrifice that has been done. The second part of the music, makes me think of Sebastian, here to "save" ciel. (But is it really saving if he's just going to eat ciel's soul anyway. Giving no chance of eternal peace.)

An underrated OST : I've Come To The Lost World/Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen (you can find it here). The title is a nod to Malher's same title song. In this ost, there is no lyrics, however, in Malher's, here are some of the lyrics : "I am lost to the world With which I used to waste much time; It has for so long known nothing of me, It may well believe that I am dead. Nor am I at all concerned If it should think that I am dead. Nor can I deny it, For truly I am dead to the world." You can hear the composer of Black butler's ost passion for opera in a few titles (with "Cena d'amore" or even "Wie Schon") At the beginning, it sounds peaceful. But the plaintive melody of the erhu (I think) can be heard at 1:52. So melancholic, and lonely. How can life be peaceful even when you are "safe", when you know you're going to die soon by the hands of a devil. Recalling the original of Malher's lyrics : For truly I am dead to the world.

The danse macabre (here) is one of my favourites too ! So dark (literally the "dance of death"), and clearly inspired by Camille Saint Saens "danse macabre". According to the legend : "Midnight strikes. Satan is going to lead the dance. Death appears, tunes his violin, and the round begins, almost furtively at first, comes to life, seems to calm down and then starts up again with an increased rage that will only cease when the cock crows. The Sabbath dissolves with the dawn." This music was clearly inspired by Vivaldi "the storm". I just LOVE IT. So well composed. You can imagine Ciel and Sebastian in a frenzied dance. Ciel getting tired and not being able to keep up. Almost as if Sebastian were playing with his food. At least, that's how it makes me feel !

This OST named "Ciel" : Si deus Relinquit, but make it orchestral. Again, Ciel's lament.

And should I talk about the band KALAFINA ?????????????????? Made by the one and only Yuki Kajiura (amazing song writer, did plenty amazing music for us weebs lol). We were blessed with the song "Lacrimosa". "Broken and vanishing into the distance I want to love this dazzling world once more I hide my dreams within my eyes Until my tainted heart Receives falling tears A phantom carriage parts the darkness On its way to where there is light The trap known as dreams Lures us into the inferno" ( ༎ຶ⌑༎ຶ )

I heard the fanbase in japan had a CONCERT for the 15th anniversary of kuroshitsuji. How I pray for something like that in Paris one day lol. Here's a snippet : here Such a lengthy post and yet I could go on and on... Please let me know if you want more !!!!

#anime OST #black butler #kuroshitsuji #ciel phantomhive #sebastian michaelis #yes i'm a music nerd #sebaciel #and yes #i only talk about Ciel because he's my son !!! :'(

[hunieday]

Re:vale - Dengeki Girl's Style February 2018 interview

Please note that I am not a professional translator and I'm only doing this to share the side materials to those who cannot access them, if you notice any mistakes please let me know nicely. Enjoy!

This is an interview from 2018, which means it's been released before part 4!

Interviewer: Thank you so much for your hard work with the shooting and outfit change!

Interviewer: Without further ado, let's start the interview right away in this room. Pleased to work with you.

Momo: Yes! Pleased to work with you too!

Yuki: Likewise.

Interviewer: Congratulations on the release of your new single!

Momo: Thank you very much! Have you guys listened to our CD yet!?

Yuki: I don’t think so? I heard that it comes out at the same time as this magazine.

Momo: Hng! I can’t wait for everyone to listen to it soon!

Yuki: I’m sure they’ll be buying it along with "DENGEKI Girl'sStyle". Right, everyone?

Yuki: Oh, am I not allowed to ask like this?

Momo: Those kinda lines from you excite Momo-chan greatly.

Yuki: I know.

Momo: You know~~!

Yuki: And anyways, I’m sure whoever’s reading this interview right now is already our fan.

Momo: That would be awesome! After all, the cover of the February issue of "DENGEKI Girl'sStyle" is...

Yuki: The cover is...?

Momo: We, Re:vale, were in charge of it!

*Applause*

Yuki: It's an honor to be chosen for the first cover of the new year.

Interviewer: The honor is ours to be able to work with Re:vale! Thank you very much.

Interviewer: How was the photoshoot for the cover?

Momo: The shoot used props that had New year’s vibes! Especially Yuki's fan!

Yuki: That's true.

Momo: The outfits we wore were cool, but Yuki holding the fan looked like a timeless hunk, which was awesome!

Yuki: Thank you... But isn’t “timeless” a bit of an exaggeration?

Momo: Really? You were in a good mood, talking like a lord during the shoot!

Yuki: Well, I might have said stuff like "approach at once" because of the fan.

Momo: And then I said "I shall approach immediately~!" and moved closer!

Yuki: I feel like I looked more evil than usual on the cover, but that's probably because I was getting into the role of an evil dictator.

Momo: Ahaha! Don’t worry, Yuki is handsome even as a villain!

Yuki: Thank you.

Momo: But if someone was intrigued by the cover with us on it and picked it up, won’t we startle them!?

Momo: Re:vale is always full of surprises!

Yuki: Just don't step on the gas too hard.

Momo: I'll make sure to hit the brakes!

Interviewer: I think your interactions would be an enjoyable read!

Momo: I’m glad!

Yuki: Then let's continue with our usual selves.

Momo: Yup!

Interviewer: Please carry on!

Interviewer: Now, please tell us about the songs you recorded for the album and what we can look forward to in it.

Momo: The lead song "NO DOUBT" is the theme song for the "Mission" movie Yuki’s starring in, so many of you might’ve heard it in commercials or something?

Yuki: We approached the song with a high level of production, including the music video. Please listen to it.

Momo: You should definitely watch it if you haven’t yet! The MV was crafted with the world of "Mission" in mind.

Momo: Yuki's role as a detective is super handsome!

Yuki: My role as a detective is directly carried from the drama so it's not that fresh. Momo's role as a mischievous criminal is probably more refreshing, right?

Momo: Ehehe! As Yuki mentioned, Momo-chan also appears as a mischievous criminal!

Yuki: Because it’s a Re:vale MV, it has to be Momo and I.

Momo: Thanks, it was nerve-wracking though~! I didn’t want to ruin the “Mission” world Yuki had built!

Yuki: You say that, but I wasn't worried. In fact everyone in the production team praised the MV when they saw it.

Momo: Really!? That's a relief!

Yuki: The B-Side track "Taiyo no Esperanza" is a passionate song with a bit of a Latin flavor, which I think will give the listener a fresh feeling.

Momo: The outfits are also styled based on the image of a bullfighter, with red and black as the main colors!

Yuki: Yeah. The instrumentals, lyrics, and outfits are provocative and unusual for Re:vale.

Momo: At the risk of sounding conceited, I think listening to it will greatly motivate you!

Yuki: Indeed. I'd be happy if it could inspire you to do your best.

Momo: Everyone, please support Re:vale's new single~!

Interviewer: I'm looking forward to listening to it even more now! Thank you very much!

Interviewer: Now, let me ask the next question. As the cold days stretch on, could you please tell us your recommended way to spend them?

Momo: He-he-he! Let Momo-chan give you a direct answer!

Momo: My recommendation is to have Yuki make a delicious hot pot and eat it together, warming both your heart and body!

Yuki: That's an experience only Momo can have.

Momo: Oh right… I recommend it, but only I can experience this precious feeling…

Yuki: So you want me to do it for someone other than you?

Momo: Ugh...

Momo: I want to say there's no way, but while Yuki’s mine you are also everyone else's... I can’t be greedy...ughhh…

Yuki: Are you seriously struggling with this?

Momo: Umm, everyone should have hot pot with their loved ones! That's all!

Yuki: Haha, you sure put an end to that question.

Momo: Momo-chan will make you cook it again today!

Yuki: I didn't know that.

Interviewer: So you’re eating Yuki-san’s hot pot tonight...! I’m jealous of you.

Interviewer: Finally, please give a message to all the readers!

Momo: Yes, yes! Thank you for always supporting Re:vale! We were featured on the cover of a magazine so early in the New Year and released a new CD thanks to you!

Momo: ...But, since it’s still December right now as we speak, they haven't been released yet! Um, I believe it's been released by now without trouble!

Momo: We'll do our best together this year too, so please continue supporting Re:vale!

Yuki: Momo said everything, so I'll keep it short. I hope you’ll listen to a lot of Re:vale's music this year as well.

Interviewer: Thank you both very much!

The End.

#idolish7 #i7 #idolish7 translation #ainana #re:vale #orikasa yukito #sunohara momose #yuki re:vale #momo re:vale #interview

[042502]

☆༉ — CHRIS STURNIOLO. The unwritten rule.

about. Everyone knows the rule, don't fall in love with your best friend's boyfriend.

author's note: This is the chapter 4, I hope it sounds interesting to you. My first language is not English, you will read this under this warning. m.list

"You really don't have to take me home," I tell him once we were outside.

"Is there something wrong with my car?" He says, looking at me, and I start to say "no" and then I see him smiling.

"It's horrible," I say once I'm inside the car. “For starters, it's not orange like the one you've promised me for so long and I'm sure I'll never actually have it, and on the other hand. Where are the dents? How can you not drive a car that doesn't have dents that mean your mother has been distracted by thinking about tortillas and pizza with bean sauce?”

"Pizza with bean sauce?"

"Yup" I look out the window. “After my mother scraped the side at the grocery store while parking, she wrote down her recipe for Mexican tortilla pizza. Look, all contest recipes have a twist. Or at least the winners have them, according to my mother. And she knows a lot about contests... Well, you know. Her thing.”

"She's done great things. I even remember those turtle cookies she made for your eighth birthday,” he recalled.

"Those things are hard to forget when someone's mother creates a river of chocolate sauce and makes everyone wait to eat while she creates the turtles in her home" he mentioned. “Worst birthday party ever.”

“No way,” Chris laughs. “That was really cute.”

"Making people wait to eat cookies and then saying there's no cake is not nice. I think people took their gifts and left."

“Well, I can get over that,” she looked at him. “I had to wear that brace on my tenth birthday.”

"You did not do it!" accused him.

He nods. "If I took them, oh hey, my sketch pad is pointed your way. We turn a corner and it slides off the dashboard and into my lap."

"Do you drive and draw?" She pointed out waving a finger at him, it feels so good to do this, to talk and to be flirting. I know, but it's just a little. He smiles, his teeth shining as he drives down the dark streets, referring to my house. "I'm trying to knock out some dents and improvise the look of the car."

He laughed and picked up the drawing pad. “Are you still doing those pencil drawings like last year?”

"Do you remember that?"

I do, and I wonder if I shouldn't still know that he had a bunch of his drawings presented and displayed at Dad's school last year. I looked at them and said I liked it when we ended up standing in the lunch line at the same time, but that was last year, and as a person not interested in it, can I admit to remembering that?

I doubt it.

I put the drawing pad back in the drawer. “You have some drawings at school, remember? Dad always drags mom and me to look at those things.”

"Yes," he says. "They were mine. You probably don't remember, but you told me last year that you liked them, and I thought, well, that was really nice of you.”

He remembers it!

I join my fingers together trying to stop myself from shaking. That wouldn't look very good. “So, you still do things like that?”

"Yes, I only made these series of hands" he talks about the drawings. “I found all these photos of my grandparents; My grandmother played the piano and my grandfather the violin, and their hands when they are playing are amazing. Just... It's like they talk to them, like I can listen to the music and want to try to show that." clears his throat. “Sorry, I know it's boring.”

I shake my head in denial. "It is not. I wish I could draw, but a straight line is all I can get.”

"What about those cubes you make in class?" It took me by surprise that he knows that. Especially since we haven't been together for a long time.

"Okay, I can draw cubes" I raise my arms feigning excitement. “Maybe I should quit school. You could travel around the world drawing cubes on things like bridges or benches. My parents could use my college money for savings. They would love that.”

He laughs again.

"Maybe you can get a start at home. Draw cubes in your driveway or something."

"Wait, are we here yet?" I noticed that we were already in front of my house "I mean, thank you for bringing me home."

"It was fun," I give him one more look before he goes back to the party, with my best friend, he's looking at me like... Well, like he wanted to look at me.

As if he likes what he sees, and he is smiling his eyes turn darker. I just nod mutely, blindly, then fumble for the door handle, trying to look away and still not being able to.

"Ada” He names me, softly, almost hesitantly, my heart beating strongly and this happens when you want someone you can't have. Loving someone you shouldn't even look at.

This is wrong, so wrong, to be here, but longing eats away at me until it is all that I am, until I am a trembling waterfall swaying toward it. I hear the soft, slow hiss of my seat belt as it extends, the faint echo hammering in my head, pulsing in my fingers and my feet, roaring in my ears, and he is so close.

And then we kissed. In a vast universe, an eternity of his mouth moving gently against mine, a slow explosion that makes my insides light up, and I want to get lost in this, in him, and never return.

His seatbelt creaks as he leans closer, one hand touching my head, and he heard me breathing, I hear him breathing. The two of us, just the two of us, except that shouldn't be it.

He is Anna's boyfriend, my best friend.

"Chris” My voice comes out like a ball scraping the aluminum, and he rests his forehead against mine. His fingers are still touching my hair. I can feel them shaking.

"Ada” he says again, and there's so much sweetness in his voice, in him, and I've tasted it. I want to do it again and again.

"I'm sorry" I apologized, he started to shake his head sideways, his hair so soft against my skin, his forehead still touching mine, and my heart screaming that I'm not completely sorry and that maybe he isn't either.

"I didn't mean to" His voice is calm, and no, of course he didn't mean to. He didn't mean for this to happen. He didn't mean for us to kiss.

He has Anna.

"Alright" I could barely speak, and me pulled me up and smiled that smile I use when Anna's boyfriends come to me, the smile that says I'll listen and understand because that's what I do. “I know things are a little weird between you and Anna right now, and the thing is, Anna thinks you're mad at her.” Then I remind myself that I have a best friend, that this is her boyfriend. “I know you're not mad, but she's just…” he swallowed. “She's really in love with you and she likes you a lot.”

Chris looks away from me at that moment, his gaze now fixed on the windshield over the dark front yard.

"I'm not..." he lets out a heavy sigh. “I’m not mad at her, I just… Ada, I really didn’t mean to…” I cut him off.

"I know" I hastened to say, I didn't want him to keep talking about this. I don't want to hear what comes after to "I really didn't mean to...", especially when you've said it twice.

I don't want to hear that this was a mistake, even though it wasn't. Not for me.

"Thank you again" I get out of the car, close the car door and walk towards my house without looking back.

I won't watch him go, I'm shaking. It's horrible to get what you wanted so much when you know you shouldn't.

I was happy to be able to talk to him, about this kiss, about tonight at the party. He mentioned last week, and a moment I've wanted to forget. But I haven't been able to do it.

Here's the moment that's stuck in my head, the one he talked about at the party.

Maybe it was nothing, but I was still thinking about it. I had been thinking about that. Last Thursday, I went to Anna's party to drop off a bunch of clothes she had left at my house. Mom had washed her and I took her out of my car, checking before the doorbell rang that Anna's mom wasn't home.

"Hey," Anna spoke to me, opening the door for me and smiling when she noticed her clean clothes in my hands.

"Your clothes washed, your majesty."

“I love your mom,” he smiled at me. “And you too, but you already know that. Come on in.”

"I don't want to bother you," Anna shook her head.

"Don't worry, Mom's at work. At least have a Pepsi or something. I did the shopping, so there's more to drink than the secret old diet."

"Okay," I walked inside the house, and saw Chris sitting in the living room on the couch. "Oh, I didn’t know… I didn’t see Chris’ car, I should go.”

"Because?" Anna asks me. “We’re just hanging out.”

Then I realized there were more people in the room too. Sonia, Mery, and Taylor were there, they were the ones Anna did a presentation with every year and they were all holding their scripts, looking at me with disgust.

"I'm sorry," I apologize.

"No, it's good that you're here. You can hang out with Chris because he's totally bored, but he's being too nice to say so. Also, he has to take everyone home, I promised I would do it after everyone did their presentation. And as for not seeing the car… Well, I had it parked down the street, so I won’t have to go look for it.”

And before I knew it, I was having a beer sitting next to Chris while everyone was talking except him and of course me.

Anna, Sonia, Mery, and Taylor went out to the terrace to make a scene.

"Get out! This is the kind of set we should order!" Mery said her line.

“I'm sorry,” I spoke first. “I didn't know... I thought Anna was alone.”

"I told her I wanted to talk when I came to visit her tonight and the next thing I know I'm in the room with you."

"I'm sorry," I apologized again, it was the thousandth time I had said it to him since what happened.

"No, I didn't mean that, it's nice sitting with you. That's what I mean, you know what I mean."

“Making the best of a bad situation?” I asked smiling.

"No” He was staring at me and I wanted to look away from his penetrating eyes, he was too attractive, but I couldn't look away, I had to look at him because I spent a lot of time convincing myself that I wasn't scared, that I was acting like he was just another guy. “I mean it's nice to be around actually, I don't mind being with you at all. I like it."

"Yeah, me too," I admit, still smiling and trying not to read into anything he said. He was stupid doing that and he knew it. I also knew I should stand up and leave, but I didn't move.

"Unless I'm getting ready to throw up over the railing of a boat, right?" and I automatically stopped thinking about leaving.

"Do you remember that?"

"It was only last year," he said as if it were an exaggeration.

"I know," my voice came out too firm, too calm, but inside I was shaking.

"I didn't know boats could make people this sick," he recalled. “I swear the only thing that kept me from going overboard was that I was talking to you. How come you never got those sneakers full of dots?”

Oh wow, he remembered, he really remembered.

"I did it," he said. “No, they didn't look like I thought they would. They looked like a rash. In shoes, it wasn't a pretty thing, I can't believe you heard me babbling about stitches when you were feeling so bad.”

"Are you kidding me? You were the best thing about that trip."

"The best?" I shouldn't have asked that, there was silence. It was strangely tense in a way that made my toes curl. “Second best, you mean” I break the silence again. To stop myself from looking at it and desiring it. “Getting out of the boat had to be the first.”

"Sonia, you have to relax when you dance with Taylor. Move your hips a little. Yeah, like... Okay, not that much."

“You should go practice with them,” Chris shakes his head. “Teach Sonia how to dance properly.”

"I don't want to humiliate her," he joked, stood up and did a little dance.

Chris went to some contemporary dance classes when we were kids.

"Believe me that's what you would do," he smiled as he watched their little dance. "You dance great."

"Do you remember when I asked you to that dance in eighth grade? I bet you're glad you got rid of that night” Why does he suddenly mention that?

"No, I would have loved it, I…” My voice slowly faded, hearing what I was saying. “It was better that you freed yourself, because... Well, I've seen my eighth grade photo. You've seen it too. Not at all pretty.”

He shook his head. “No, I wanted to go with you.”

And then the silence came again, that silence and I realized how close we were. How easy it was to sit with him. Smiling, he talked to him. And then I heard Anna laugh.

"I know, Chris is great. We've been together for almost two months," I heard Anna say.

"I better go, congratulations on being almost two months old, I remember the night they started dating and it's great, great!"

"Ada” He stood up, and I just left him alone in the room.

"See you later!" I went out to the terrace, I told Anna I had to go and I hugged her, then I drove home and told myself that all the things I had thought were just that. Things I only thought about and nothing more. But now, tonight has happened, and even though I know it's Anna's return, I still want it.

I didn't sleep much, alternating between excitement and terror, also half expecting Anna to come, I don't know what I would do if I knew. Would Chris have told him? I knew he wouldn't make it sound like I had kissed him, I wasn't that kind of guy, but how would you tell your girlfriend that you and her best friend had kissed in a way that didn't sound like it was?

I finally fell asleep after the sun came up, I was tired. The kiss almost looked like a dream now.

But it wasn't, it was real and it had happened. Anna came as I went downstairs to find Mom preparing her chocolate candies, and putting the food on a plate.

"What's wrong with you?" Anna asked me when I went to open the door. “You look terrible.”

"I'm just tired," I reply.

He was looking at me, it was making me shake inside. I knew it, she knew it.

"Well, can I come in?" I asked myself and then I realized that he was still blocking his way. I nodded.

I walk inside the house, sniffing the air.

"It smells like food," he mentioned with great happiness while clapping his hands, he ran towards the kitchen. "Hello," he greeted my mother.

"Look at you! I think you get prettier every day," my mother used to praise Anna a lot. "Do you want some candy?" He stretched out his arms offering him a sweet.

Anna took it and sat at the kitchen table.

"Where is the teacher?" I asked myself this time, I limited myself to pointing my head to the room, where I understood that he was there.

"What was Anna waiting for? Why is she acting so normal? ”

"How about?" She offered me the plate where she used to place the sweets she made herself.

"Great" she smiled at him as she broke one of the sweets and ate it. I shook my head scared and tense, I could feel the muscles in my legs shaking.

"Don't you think they need a little more green on the sides, maybe to enhance the sweets? Color is always good, Or maybe some orange in the base?” my mom continued talking.

How was I supposed to do this? How could she be old Ada, boring Ada when Anna knew it and stayed still for some reason?

I glance at Anna, but she was staring at the plate as if she was thinking about it now. I could not do it.

"It looks like something out of a cookbook," she smiled at my mom. "Really professional," she was excited, and went to show her sweets to dad.

Then Anna saw me again and then she finally spoke to me.

"Can we go upstairs?" I nodded, I could feel my stomach churning with guilt.

I followed her up with my vision lost in confusion and the sugar of the candy. In my room, Anna walked over to my bed and sat down to look at me.

"What's going on with Chris?" I was surprised. "No that's it" then I was confused between my thoughts and my words.

"What?" She wasn't supposed to say that.

"What's wrong with Chris?" She repeats. “He didn't say anything to me last night about being upset with me, or about his hair. But that's not a big problem. Have you talked to him these days?”

“Yes” I have to tell her then “Anna, I really have to tell you.”

"Well, at least you said something," he said and then stood up and began to move his hair. When she did it I noticed a mark on her neck, it was barely visible where her blouse ended.

"What's that?" He gave me a look that said.

"What do you mean?" like I couldn't see his neck, and of course Chris hadn't told him about the kiss.

He just returned to the party, saw her and realized how stupid he had been, then he kissed her and left that mark on her neck. Something that marked her as his property. Property of Chris.

"Well, you're a little weird." Anna touches the mark on her neck. "Shit," she walked over to the mirror in my room and looked at the mark on her neck. “I thought this shirt would cover it. Do you have something to cover it with?” I shook my head. "Your mom?"

"Maybe" she sat on my bed carefree "Why do you want to cover it? Chris doesn’t mind that.”

But thanks to Anna's silence can tell me that something was not right.

"Anna?"

"Don't say it, okay? I know it was something really stupid, but Mike…”

"Mike?" She looks at me through the mirror and then turns around, crossing her arms, still keeping her gaze on me.

"Yes," she says, "but we were just dancing." She began to move her hands, a sign that she is nervous. “He started telling me how beautiful I looked, he hugged me and then he told me "let's go outside, it's hot here" and then we... We were there for a while” his voice had become low and he spoke very quickly.

"Did you break up with Chris?" I had a big mess in my head, I couldn't understand anything.

"No!" shout.

My heart stopped, they didn't finish.

"No? But you were with Mike."

"I made sure Chris didn't see the mark, okay? I told him to take me home and that's why I couldn't talk because I had a terrible headache. And he doesn't have to know about Mike and I, you know? I don't want to break up with him. I like it a lot, Ada, but we haven't been... You know, we haven't done much...”

"Haven't you guys fucked?"

"Yes, and I don't understand why" I roll my eyes. “At first I thought it was good that he wasn't always trying to get us to do things like that. But we have only kissed” he sighed and sat next to me on the mattress. “I think I like it.”

"What do you want me to say?"

""You are the one who is always in love with boys who don't love you."

Ouch, it was true though. The truth hurts, but soon the truth would hurt her too.

"Well, every guy who likes you always likes you more," I admit, it was a painful truth, but I couldn't let myself cry right now. “The thing is, you haven't been around to notice, I'm too good to ignore it now and the rest…” It wasn't the time, she only had two boys, Anna had only been with one of them. Phillies.

Last year, I liked Phillies, he was new and from England, and he wrote great short stories and I hadn't seen Anna when we were talking and she came over. I could tell there was something about Anna that made him immune to her, and I liked being the girl she loved.

And then the homecoming thing happened. Phillies asked me if I could go to the dance with him and even though he thought everyone said they hated him because the homecoming dance was incredibly stupid, It was stupid and unbelievable because you had to buy a good dress while you saw guys dressed in different jeans and t-shirts. It was all glamorous, but somehow good, incredible.

I was excited, I had gone to buy the dress with Anna, and not something used because the boy I was going with was someone who had dumped her, so I bought something incredible. I didn't look as good as Anna, sure, she bought that short, tight, red dress that even the saleswoman said "Wow" when she came out of the dressing room, but I looked pretty.

Or at least I thought it looked good. Philis had said I looked good when he picked me up, and again when we were dancing in the over-decorated gym with the music the school had played.

I was coming back from the bathroom, I see the two of them alone in a corner of the gym talking. I could see Anna, that red dress completely caught anyone's attention. It was definitely her with the Phillies.

"You know you're the sexy girl here tonight," he watched as he ran his hands under her arms. "Say you'll dance with me."

I stood there, paralyzed, watching Anna smile at her.

"Sexy? Me? Since when? What about Adi?"

"She's not sexy," he replied, making my eyes start to sting. It didn't take long for the tears to come. I was wondering if anything he had told me was real, then he noticed my presence by turning to look at me. "Ada" but he didn't come close he just left there.

Anna instead approached me, worried? "Ada?" my name fell from his lips, as if it was his fault that Philis liked me, not me.

I looked at her even with my eyes crystallized by tears, she looked so beautiful, so much so that I hated her.

I really hated her, in the most intense way I could feel. I hate my best friend.

I just ran from there, but Anna came after me. I was furious with Phillies and even with Anna, as if it were her fault that she was more beautiful than me. She didn't force Philis to tell her those things...

"I shouldn't have agreed to talk to him," said Anna, who was walking behind me, giving me a short distance. “I'm really sorry, Adi. I thought he wanted to talk about you. He seemed to like you a lot.”

"I thought it was like that, but it seems like she likes you more” she turned to me to see her upset.

Anna began to cry, and through tears she told me, “I'm really very sorry, please don't be upset, please don't hate me.”

I hugged her and we walked together to my house. Dad and Mom took us back to the dance, and Anna and I stayed up for four hours talking about how stupid Phillies was. It hurt horribly when I saw it at school, but over time it hurt less.

The only other boy I had ever liked was Chris. Anna knew about this, but. She believed it was a primary school thing, a forgotten thing. I didn't even know if I remembered it, but I did. And I still liked it. And we kiss...

"Hello, Ada, are you listening to me?" Anna waved a hand in front of my face. "I didn't mean that how it sounded. I just don't know what to do with Chris, how to keep him with me. And then the Mike thing" she rolled her eyes.

I would never kiss anyone else if I kissed Chris.

I shake my head, trying to erase that thought, and then Mom knocks on the door.

"I just wanted to see if you two needed anything."

"We're fine," I reply seriously.

"Well, if you need anything let me know."

"I love your parents," Anna whispered. “I wish they were mine.”

I ignored his comment and focused on the mark on his neck. I tried not to think about how I had Chris and still looked at someone else. I tried not to think about how his mouth felt on mine.

"Hey, my mom is taking me to see my dad today," his voice was discouraged. "Do you want to go with me?" She had her gaze on the window, I noticed how she played with some strands of her hair.

"Sure, I'll accompany you" I sigh and give him a hug.

"It'll be fun," she murmured, but we both knew it wouldn't be like that.

જ⁀➴ taglist. @l34n @jetaimevous @jnkvivi @loveyoumatthewbernard @d1tzy-bl0nde @laxbabe131147 @slut4chriss @dontellaf1lms @surniolozzzprincess @sturnlova @inlovewithchriss @whicked-hazlatwhore @mattsgirlsblog @nsjsnshey @always-reading

Author's note: If you want to be part of the taglist leave a comment below and I will add you. Thanks for reading, remember to like, share with your friends and leave a nice comment ^^

#﹙𝐂𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐬. 𝐒﹚🦌 ， #੭ 🤍 ! 𝓈 #sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo x you #chris smut #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #matt sturniolo x you #matt sturniolo x reader #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo smut #chris sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo fluff #matt sturniolo fanfiction #chris sturniolo fluff #nick sturniolo #chris sturniolo smut #chris sturniolo x reader #sturniolo #christopher owen sturniolo #chris sturniolo soft #christopher sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo imagine #matthew bernard sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fluff #sturniolo imagine

[pepperonidk]

iv. schmuel of klimovich || all i could do

"How lucky I am to be in love with you." "When you come home to me..." 

Pairing: Lee Jihoon x f!Reader Summary: Na-na-na-na na-na-na na-na oh, you get to be happy! Warnings: i mention that the reader is struggling to find jobs and struggling to get into grad programs, which can be a heavy subject (trust me I know it all too well) Word Count: 1.8k

A/N: i really suggest listening to the song along with the chapter. I use a lot of the lyrics in this, but the song is really fun and it's just a cute scene in the musical. also, if you find yourself wanting to talk about any of these struggles, i'm always here for you! I know exactly what it's like to be rejected from every grad school you apply to... always remember that before it's reader insert fanfic, it's writer insert lol

join the taglist! previous chapter || back to library || next chapter

Jihoon didn’t hear the sound of the door swinging open or the sound of your shoes being angrily thrown on the ground as you entered the apartment. In fact, the only thing he did hear was the sigh you let out as you flopped on the couch behind where he was sitting on the living room floor.

“Hey angel,” he set his guitar down against the coffee table before finally turning around to see you rubbing at your temples. He winced at the sight of it. “Rough day at work?”

Your lips formed a pout as you nodded your head.

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked gently, reaching up to grab one of your hands to hold in his.

“Not really,” you admitted. “Nothing out of the ordinary when working at a restaurant during the holiday season.”

Jihoon just nodded. You'd eventually talk. All he had to do was listen. And so it went.

“My boss wants me to work Christmas Eve,” you groaned. “Even though I specifically asked for the 23rd and the 24th off so I could watch your show.”

“Who the hell is going to a diner on Christmas Eve?” Jihoon wondered.

“Apparently enough people to call more than half the staff in,” you replied. “And I just always feel like the people who work there are always looking down on me.”

“What?” Jihoon was bewildered. “How–”

“They think I’m snobby,” you pointed out, burying your head in your hands. “They call me ‘Doctor Drop-out’ behind my back… and to my face.”

“Baby…” Jihoon cooed. He moved onto the couch to sit beside you, tangling his fingers into your hair as you as you laid your head down in his lap. “I wish there was something I could do.” And he really did. 

As he held you close, he couldn’t help but be angry at the disconnect between the smart and talented firework he knew you to be and the empty shell of a person this dead-end job pummeled you into. This wasn’t the first time since you’d started working at the diner that you had come home in a rough mood, so Jihoon was more than well-versed in how to coax you out of it.

“Hey angel,” he began softly and his voice was laced with nostalgic admiration. “Do you remember when we first met?”

You scoffed and turned to face Jihoon, your head still resting in his lap. “How could I forget?” you asked. “What about it?”

“I can’t either,” Jihoon smiled, tracing the slope of your nose with his finger. Your eyes fluttered shut at the contact. “Remember when you were talking about your neuroscience class?” 

You hummed in response as he continued. “Well, that was when I knew,” he affirmed. “That you were one of the brightest minds this world had to offer.”

You were quiet for a while and Jihoon wondered if he said something wrong. Before he met you, all he really had to care and worry about was himself. He’d had his fair share of girlfriends and therefore his fair share of arguments, of course, but as a musician, he knew the right words to say to make someone feel good. 

When you finally spoke again, Jihoon felt his heart relax. “What about now?” you replied softly, timidly. Your voice was laced with a sense of wavering insecurity and bitterness that Jihoon had not heard in your voice before. “A top university graduate with honors, on track to discover a miracle cure to some disease, stuck working at a Denny’s on Christmas Eve – do you still think that way?” 

The bitter undertone in your voice surprised Jihoon. In the two years that he’s known you, you’d always been so sure of yourself, so determined to fight for a life that you wanted, just like him. In his mind, you were both on the same one-track path to success… unfortunately you were facing a few more hurdles than he was. 

His road was littered with flower petals and cheering fans. He had finished his music degree somewhere in the middle of his class, average by all means, but he had been receiving offers left and right for promotions and promises of fame and wealth. He figured you were just a few steps behind him, and that your time was soon. He knew that you weren’t expecting to get into your first choice of medical school, but when the second choice rejected you… and the third… and the one you applied to as a joke… Well he knew that could take the best of anyone. 

In any case, Jihoon knew it was his job as your boyfriend to pull you up when you fall, to cheer you up when you’re down.

“Yes,” he replied sternly. “Always.” He pulled you up to sit in front of him on the couch as he reached for his guitar. He noted the puzzled look on your face as he began to explain. “I wasn’t planning to show you this until closer to Christmas, but now is as good a time as any.”

“Show me what?” you questioned.

“Well,” Jihoon continued as he began to strum a plucky and playful tune on his guitar. “Last week, I went to see Seokmin’s last show at the university.” 

You nodded at him as he began to smile in excitement. “He took me backstage and a bunch of his friends were singing this song that I guess was in another musical, and I don’t know, I just loved it. I was planning to sing it at my gig as a Christmas special for everyone. But it was also going to be my gift for you.”

Jihoon could see you resisting the urge to smile, as if wanting to hold on just a little bit longer to the tiredness and bitterness you were just feeling. He took it as his cue to begin his song.

“Schmuel would work 'till half-past ten at his tailor shop in Klimovich

Get up at dawn and start again with the hems and pins and twist

41 years had come and gone at his tailor shop in Klimovich…”

“My gift was going to be a song about an old man?” you finally laughed and Jihoon felt relieved.

“Please don’t interrupt,” he teased in between lines as he continued singing a story about an old tailor who wished for more time to create the dress of his dreams and a magical clock who promised to grant it. Skeptical Schmuel, however, had resigned himself to making do with the time he had left. Jihoon continued into the upbeat chorus.

“And the clock said

‘Na na-na-na, na-na-na

Oh, Schmuel, you'll get to be happy!’”

Jihoon stood up from the couch, still strumming and singing but now prancing around the living room and twirling around and nearly knocking the lamp off the side table. You began to laugh as he prodded you to sing along with him. The story continued on, Schmuel fighting his disbelief until the clock convinced him to just try one more time.

And so Schmuel did, lacing his thread and starting to sew when he noticed the clock turning time back. His cuts and stitches were perfect fits, and Schmuel finally cried out to go back 41 years.

Every ribbon and button were intricately placed and he felt his dreams finally taking shape. He finished the dress as time brought him back to his younger days in a smaller town and that dress was the dress a girl wore on the day she promised to love a young man named Schmuel, who knocked at her door just a day before.

The story ended happily but the song was not quite over. The tune began to quiet down and Jihoon switched to single strums as opposed to the plucky melody he began with.

“This is the part where I changed things,” Jihoon explained before continuing.

“Plenty have hoped and dreamed and prayed

But they can't get out of Klimovich.

If Schmuel had been a cute girl instead

He would’ve looked a lot like you.

Maybe it's just that you're afraid to go out on to a limb-ovich”

“Yeah,” Jihoon shook his head as you laughed at his last line. “Not my best work, I know.” He cleared his throat.

“But shouldn't I want the world to see

The brilliant girl who inspires me?”

Jihoon cherished the way you blushed and smiled sheepishly at him as he finally continued into the last chorus where he replaced Schmuel’s name with you.

“'Cause I say

‘Na na-na-na, na-na-na

Baby, you get to be happy!’”

As he finally ended the song, he set the guitar back down gently on its stand, and pulled you from the couch and into his arms. He placed a sweet kiss on your forehead before he led you to the fireplace that was strewn with framed pictures of the two of you. He reached for one in the middle, a selfie taken on your third date at the amusement park and pulled from behind it a flash drive and a square velvet box.

“I had an old friend who went to Harvard tweak your CV and I went to find more applications for schools that you definitely qualify for,” he slipped the flash drive into your hands before opening the velvet box that held a simple but clearly expensive silver watch.

“Take a breath,” he began, pulling the watch out of the box. “Take a chance, and take your time.” He slipped the watch onto your wrist and locked the latch in place. A perfect fit. Jihoon looked up to see tears brimming your eyes.

“Jihoon I–” you were interrupted with his lips on yours. You tasted like saltwater, Jihoon noted.

“I just got my first royalty check,” Jihoon began, quelling your worries about the expensive gift. “And with the money from the last couple of shows, it’s enough to cover the rent and bills for a while.”

A gasp slipped from your lips. Jihoon smiled and reached his thumbs to swipe the tears from your eyes. “Babe, that’s amazing,” you replied.

“I’m giving you unlimited time,” he quoted the song. “Well, not unlimited, maybe just a few months.” The two of you laughed in relief. “So go and be the ambitious freak I know you are and be happy.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck in a tight embrace. It wasn’t until Jihoon began humming the song again that you finally pulled back from him. His left hand found your waist and his right hand found your arm as he twirled you around the living room to the sound of his voice.

Taglist: @yksthings @alonelystarfish @coveyland @xuimhao @sana-is-ms-rmty @gummymintae @maverey

#lee jihoon #woozi #seventeen fluff #seventeen scenarios #seventeen x reader #woozi x reader #woozi scenarios #woozi fluff #lee jihoon x reader #woozi angst #lee jihoon angst #seventeen angst

[starsandthorn]

women 👍

#personal stuff #thorn plays genshin #really cool boss fight and design!! #not quite as difficult as i expected but fun mechanics #also i liked how up close and personal it was. felt more like a duel than the past few real Big bosses like the whale #reminded me of the raiden fight w her just ominously walking towards you with creepy boss music in the bg #AND THE CUTSCENE WOOOO. the traveler seeming genuinely scared. #i was wondering if they were having khaenri'ah flashbacks seeing her crimson moon. hehe. kicks feet in the air #like them thinking abt khaenri'ah when paimon mentions the eclipse hilichurl tribe #i do like how we didn't actually Win. like we've beaten eleven eight and god gundam six #but we barely hold our own against four who's holding back AND with having other people helping us #very fun. even if my personal fear of arlecchino has gone down with each piece of promotional material. #also listening to everyone talk back and forth about oh nooo the knave is doing something terrible #having watched the animated short and also read thru arle's voicelines. is very funny #ALSO TARTAGLIA SHOWING UP. just to show that yes she DID return his vision and he IS okay #he's so funny to me. he fought a whale and was on the brink of death and is like NO I HAVE TO GO BACK TO FONTAINE. #listen ME TOO i want to know more from skirk #i did enjoy them shitting on their coworkers together that was GREAT. i LOVE to see the inter-harbinger beef #and them being on alright terms is nice. i think arlecchino does see him as a kid kind of #also interesting to me that pulcinella and pantalone are seemingly more in charge with certain parts of the fatui as a whole #and that they work Together when they don't seem to get along in the lazzo trailer

[8rujaa]

okay, i might let people in

#i’ve been nonstop talking to this person for a few days now #like nonstop we’ll have multiple convos going at once and having to use voice messages to catch up to everything lol #our conversations have yet to die since the first one we’ve had #it feels very very very refreshing to find someone who can keep up #and we have so many things in common but like i’ve always found myself to be a lil weird and have out of the ordinary interests #not trying to say that ‘i’m not like other girls’ LMFAO but it’s hard to find ppl with this many things in common #like one or two things i get but we’ve been able to connect on so many things #even like chronic pain which like is nice to find someone who understands #so now i’m like actually excited for the first time about meeting someone #i’m very very excited and they’re so so so sweet #i feel like i can always tell who’s been in therapy because we tend to carry conversations in a similar way … does that make sense??? 🤣 #like u know how there’s ‘gentle parenting’ #i feel like there’s a specific way people who have been in therapy speak to others #they’re always so mindful of boundaries and also reciprocal #in conversations #we also have the same taste in music which is wild cuz i listen to every genre in existence and music from many different languages/culture #our spotify blend goes crazy 🤣🤣 #we’ve only been talking for a week so i’m trying not to get my hopes up but im just excited 😆😆😆 #lmao but like even if we just end up becoming friends i’m still happy to meet someone who’s so similar :D #i’ve been wanting friends who also struggle with the same things so we can do selfcare things together or maybe just chill on high pain day #and we will know how to be there for each other a little better than ppl who don’t get it.. i crave that real bad 🥲 #i realize i sound delulu as fuck cuz i haven’t even met them in person but i can already tell we’re going to get along 😌😌😌😌 #i’m aware of how delulu i sound and maybe i’m getting my hopes up but it truly does feel like i was waiting for someone like this 🥹

[yoojinluv]

#todays mood is breakups are fawking harder than I ever imagined #we just laid there in bed (the first time he’s slept not-on the couch in a very long time) #and talking about how we know we’re not right for each other but neither of us want to separate but we have to but we don’t want to and its #just a lot #I think about how it would be nice to have a place to myself and kind of get me in touch with myself and cater only to my own needs and #just see what it’s like to live alone since I never have #but I was listening to him playing his music in the other room and wondering what it would feel like #to be in an empty apartment by myself in dead silence knowing he’s not going to walk through the door any minute #then I wonder is it because the comfort of him that I don’t want to let go? I definitely love him but #at the end of the day he’s hurt me a lot too #and I don’t know if he’s capable of showing up for me in the way that I need him to #also.. I just feel so exhausted imagining trying to date ppl and find someone I care for the way I do him #my eyes have never strayed from him he’s always been my priority #anyways.. #I guess let’s just see what the future holds

[localcouchgremlin]

'I have bad vibes about lola today she's probably being run by --'

who cares. who honestly cares. you aren't defeating racism or standing up for victims by beating a dead horse about a woman who hasn't been online for years, we already know Lindsey's a dickhead. but I promise you can dislike her without inventing other reasons to do so or say that everything surrounding her is eeeeeevil + if she's nicely interacting with fans and liking their work thru lola hey thats a neat thing at least. ill give her that for once

#I do wish she could apologise for bothering to initially defend jimmy that was so disappointing when I found out about that #and acknowledging the harm that msi's music perpetuated towards BIPOC and other minorities that people should rightfully critique #so I am wary of her. but that doesn't mean im gonna go on about her based upon some fuckin blog that is conspiracy central for mcr fans #+ love when white fans claim to champion anti-racism in the fandom but when poc voice opinions about lindsey that aren't overly negative-- #they conveniently ignore them or speak over them. cuuuuurious // as white fans shouldn't we be. you know. listening? #its almost like you hate her for other reasons that start with 'married' and ending in a word with the suffix '-erard' #and thats vile in its own right. mate gee isn't gonna fk you you can have a crush and leave it at that from personal experience its easy #tldr: many people run lola you don't need to use them as a vehicle to repeat the same convo about someone you should ignore currently #lola + g #lindsey way #mcr #mcr fandom #fandom talk #spend ur time championing BIPOC acts and providing links to corresponding charities and funds when you can instead #this is something I want to do too #sorry this turned into another rant lol. mcrtwt is just... yeah

[bahrmp3]

.

#personal #now that the new year's has passed I feel like I can talk about it I did not have a good time lmao it started fine I guess? I was going to #play music for the new year but then mum made a comment about me still on laptop so I shut it bc ok fine let's not #then it was down hill from there? like I ignored it and was like let's not make a thing out of it so we are saying what we liked this year #/ what we want to do and mum goes and for my son I want x y z and didn't mention me so joe asks her and for if she has anything to say for #me? any wishes? but she doesn't lmao later on she goes (if only you would say what you want we do not know anything about you) #she didn't even mean it she said just to hurt like I was taking a video of this and lit off frame my face is dropping #later on she goes (and you didn't even say what you wish for us either) as she leaves and later when I'm talking to my brother #and I protest this he goes (welp what can I even say? like I told you before are pretty selfish) and idk what to say I was surprised I #don't think I'm selfish tho? I legit was the one to cook for us and got cake? I try so much but keep being labeled selfish this is the #second time he tells me that in the last two weeks I think and both are unfounded ngl anyway all of this pales in the last thing #so we call dad to say happy new year! Well joe does and I mean ok I was still pretty upset about what happened an hour ago so ofc I wasn't #cheerful when calling dad lmao but like I was saying all the right things anyway? but Joe kept gesturing at me to smile its a phone call #and after the phone call he has like (why are you always so depressed? if I were you and I finally got a laptop I would be flying from joy #why are you always so down? why can't you just be happy?) and I honestly don't know what to say lmao ok so I wasn't flying from joy with #my laptop but idk how to say it here but then like what's worst? being hurt and not a person recognising that you are hurt? and in fact #asking you why aren't you smiling? or idk being too depressed for others?? what's funnier is mum later on was like (don't let anyone words #change you you shouldn't yield to others) in reference to Joe's speech but like hello mama?? not 2 hrs ago??? #anyway so I asked her if I shouldn't be listening to her words then? and she was saying yes with confidence like does she not #see either how she hurts me? how she keeps hurting me voer and over and over??? #God I should have made that pizza and truly be selfish maybe I wouldnt have been hurt like that #tbd

[theamazingannie]

I’m a sucker for musical parallels and referencing an old song in a new song but I feel like this TTPD lead up is not just a “this is how I used to feel and now I’m using those themes to show how I feel now” and more of a “those feelings were never real and actually those love songs that were so beautiful before are actually about a bad relationship and full of red flags” cuz it’s honestly ruining my feelings on those old songs. Like Taylor’s whole thing is letting us interrupt the songs and apply them to our own lives and now it’s like even she is encouraging us to only see them through the lens of her most recent breakup and it really sucks tbh

#like when it was just fans being swifties I could ignore it and keep believing they were good love songs #but now that those Apple Music playlists came out and these songs are being sorted through different lenses #it feels like she wants us to look at those beautiful love songs differently and I hate it #taylor swift #ttpd #like I’d make jokes and talk about her personal life #and look at her songs and be like hmmm maybe that’s what she meant by this #but mostly her songs were always separate from her real life relationships #(otherwise I wouldn’t be able to love the speak now era love songs lmao) #I apply her songs to my characters #sweet nothing was the perfect song for one of my ocs who got famous and felt like he couldn’t be himself anymore #expect when he was with his bf who didn’t see him that way #and now I listen to it and I hear all those tweets saying ‘omg he didn’t love her and didn’t care about her and THATS what she was saying’ #and having lover being one of the top wedding songs of the 2020s #and the ‘at every table I’ll save you a seat’ now going from ‘I want you by my side always’ #to ‘I have to save it but you don’t show up cuz you’re never there for me’ #and lavender haze going from ‘we don’t need to be married to be in love and I just want to be with you #and I wish people would stay out of my private life’ #now being ‘I actually did want to get married and this was me just being in denial’ #it SUCKS #things were much easier when I was just playing my thoughts here rather than following fan pages on Twitter #I’ve met a lot of great people and learned some fun stuff but this is exhausting #I just want to listen to my favorite artist without analyzing every line to figure out if she really meant it like that #I love her for her ability to tel stories I can relate my characters to #that’s all I really want to do with her songs #makes me want to leave the fandom and just listen alone #but also doing that before made me miss album announcements and vault puzzles and other news #idk I’ll probably stay but it just really sours the whole experience for me #and I wish it didn’t

[united-under-skyfall]

.

#i think one thing i really didn't prepare for w overnights is just how fucking lonely it is. like yeah 80% of the reason i took it was to #get away from customers but like. it worked. and the night shift team is v v small. there's only 4 of us and we've never been scheduled all #at once yet. and usually we're running around on completely opposite ends of the building going long periods of time without #radioing each other. and then i come home all amped up and the rest of my house is still asleep. and then when they wake up #it's just to get ready and go and we don't really have time to talk. and by the time they get back i'm sleeping #and it's my first night off and i can't fuck up my whole schedule i worked so hard to switch over to w them flipping me all over the place #so now i'm just like. sitting in the half light trying not to wake anybody up not doing anything. the only places near us open are #gas stations and i can't exactly loiter there and what would i do even if i could. and it's too cold to go for a walk or to the park #or something. and i feel like i haven't talked to another human being about something that wasn't related to work in years #and it's only been a week. #and we can listen to music or podcasts or something but our carts and machines are so loud you miss half of it. and we can't hold #super long conversations when we ARE in the same room for the same reasons. plus we all want to die so none of us feel like talking. #and just. im tired and lonely and want to sleep and im already regretting this but i'd feel bad for backing out now when they have so #few options and i volunteered for it in the first place #and then there's also like. even just doing my usual solitary thing at home feels so much more isolated bc there's not the noises #of other people existing nearby. the nearest signs of life are some coughing and then a car on the other side of the block #just. what am i even doing here. #tag ramble

[myownprivatcidaho]

whats tough about like. Having Chemistry and spending time with someone at the start of the spring semester is that valentines day is coming up and its like a make or break point with what you may or may not Be and you have to question what direction things are headed in and its a pressure just Not present in the fall semester idk. idk

#we uhhhh. kinda hit a bump in the road ...... idk. #hes. been very gentle and kind and understanding about where im coming from and so we havent talked in a couple days but just .... #god ok fuck it. we were hanging out saturday night and at some point we were going somewhere where parking sucked so i just suggested we go #in his car rather than separate bc finding parking for ONE car is a Struggle. anyways so afterwards we went back to where i parked my car #and i hahahhaaaaa was NOT leaving. it was just past midnight and so we were just hanging in his car talking for abt an hour #in there at some point i told him about that last crush and how it dragged on and he was like jesus CHRIST sia thats a lot #i was reclined in my seat and shutting my eyes listening to the music and i caught him looking at me a couple times andddddd uh #yeah basically i ended up in his lap and then we were kissing and touching and grinding for like the next hour and a half #and he asked if i wanted to go back to my place and i was like uhhhhhhhhhhhh not now so we stayed in there and just made out & talked more #and then he TOLD me. basically hes in a similar situation i was in this time last year. like a girl he liked and was talking to actually #has a bf. hes sorta in limbo and she still talks to bim and is stringing him along and playing off his hopes theyll get together for. #entertainment ig. everyone at this school is fantastic btw. jesus fucking christ. #so yeah he told me bc he said he didnt wanna hurt me or end up fucking me over and that i deserved full honesty and didnt want to get my #hopes up. which i REALLY appreciate. we talked for 8 days he got carried away once and immediately owned up. i do appreciate that #so like. he said that we can just be friends with or without benefits and i said id think about it. then at like 3 am we went home and he #check in with me to make sure i was alright since he could tell i had a LOT on my mind. i said id call him the next day and so we talked #and basically i explained the reason for my apprehensions and why i said no to hooking up (csa) and he was really understanding #and then like. i just asked him more about what was going through his head the night before & he described it as a heat of the moment thing #(which i agree it was) and like. he was genuinely concerned about me tho. idk #i told him that after i got home i had to shower for an hour scrubbyat every place he touched me and that im tired of feeling used #and he really heard me out and listened. he also asked if he hurt me and i said no but it def could have gotten to that point and i #and so he said 'im sorry for making your life at all hafrder to deal with' and i REALLY really #appreciate him being as honest as he was. so i said its cool we can be friends but i just need some space rn & he once again was really #understanding & said 'for as long as you need. just let me know whenever youre ready to just be friends again & if you need me to stay sway #from [xyz places we hung out] just let me know and if you need anything for class just feel free to reach out' #and. GOD i appreciate him. so that convo closed out on good terms. i was worried id need WEEKS but it rlly was just a few hours after that #i was ok again. traumas all about narratives and before that convo all i could see was another instance i was usee but like. #after actually talking it out all the fear around it dissipated and i can just see it for what it was: 2 friends who got carried away #but i really REALLY appreciate how hes handled this and we're both single & attracted to each other and so the question im thinking now is: #crushposting