#i just... dont want people to get the wrong idea about how i percieve the world and what my struggles are..

[cowboy-robooty]

primal fear

#VERY OLD DRAWING 😍😍😍 #it looks like shit cuz its an hour doodle thing #little grayscale blending test #draws #IM TRYING TO GET OVER MY IRRATIONAL FEAR OF PEOPLE THINKING MY DRAWINGS ARE VENT ART WHEN THEYRE NOT #i just... dont want people to get the wrong idea about how i percieve the world and what my struggles are.. #but this is mai personal blog i should post any drawings i think are a little cool #people should already know someone can explore themes without having a personal connection to them #shit is just interesting sometimes and its fun to be an outsider looking in #classic robooty essay in the tags LOOK I HAVE A LOT OF SAY THIS IS MY HOUSE AND ILL YAP AWAY!

[lazyveran]

Oh lazyveran the fire squad is HORRENDOUS!!!! I love it. Please, elaborate on Azula's particular role in and thoughts on this awful little smorgasboard. Does she feel conflicted about how Katara is changing the dynamics? Dies she even register anything changing? Whats her relationship like with Zuko in this au. What does a day in the life of the squad look like and what does it look like to Katara, who isnt steeped in decades of intricate rituals. Please 

genuinely gives me such joy to make them so awful. terribly terribly nepo babies that will ruin ur life. long rambles below cut hehe

SO! azula is. well she doesnt think there's much wrong with it. i mean, on an intellectual, psycho-analysis level she knows ty lee is a insane, mai is also insane and her brother is [redacted]. but ultimately she doesnt see anything wrong with any of their dynamics because she has LITERALLY no one else as reference. the insane social isolation azula went thru as a child soldier and ozai's fav little nuclear bomb means its difficult for her to parse out toxic or harmful relationships she may have and ultimately, use and utility comes first in any relationship. the fire squad are simultaneously her most trusted confidants, her closest companions, people she'd entrust with her life and legacy and the weight of her father's, and later iroh's, missions to AND assets to be used, strings to be pulled, and loose ends to be monitored. plus she wants to gossip with them. shes the princess, it's her agni given right to bitch and moan abt the peasants!

azula's mindset is all layers of fucked, basically. im aiming for a vibe in which azula herself has no idea how she really approaches and feels for her friends. its emotionally complicated, azula is horrendeous at understanding that kinda thing. the fact that she's so hyperaware of her position as royalty means she locks herself desperately into that role and doesn't allow herself to go beyond it. that implies a distance between her friends she halfheartedly attempts to keep. but the bottom line is that she's insanely loyal because they invest that back into her. azula's a woman who values devotion above all else. she's desperate for it. You Have To Stay. Everyone Else She Loved Has Left Her. STAY. FOREVER. to do so will be to assist and witness her eternal glory and the shining legacy she will deliver to the nation. she will elevate them to the greatest heights, reward their loyalty tenfold!!! JUST STAY. DONT LEAVE HER. NOT LIKE THE DEAD ONES AND THE GONE ONES-

(also, azula is narrow minded in a sense. she understands people implicitly but believes her own personal goals are the Ultimate Ones. everyone wants power, glory, legacy and the love of a nation. they have to, right? why else would she strive to achieve them, if it's not the perfect pinnacle of all human endeavour? she wants to reward her most trusted friends with what she percieves is the ultimate prize in life, so does so from this weird half distance as a princess. shes really weird. her love language is probably acts of service (and all she knows how to do is kill))

azula and katara's relationship is awfully complicated. for a start, azula presumes domination within the relationship. it's sort of something azula just. takes for herself. as her nature, and because katara isnt initially someone she wants to dig her claws in to force them to Stay. she fully expects that she will simply have some new woman near her sometimes and she'll get on with Important Work with the besties. then katara KICKS HER ASS, FORCES her to look and see katara as someone equal, someone worth respecting and listening to. ultimately she does come to respect katara, and that unknowingly starts to change her. as in, azula gets bullied into it. repeatedly. and getting frostbite that one time. and in her draw towards katara, azula begins drifting from the (not at all realised) dependency on her squad and more towards katara. because she has an equal! and thats!!! azula never really thought she'd HAVE one! katara is her WIFE, there's no presumed distance to keep!!!!! so she gets super duper obssessed with that. she wants to eat katara alive, she's enraptured by this woman.

so.. the worst siblings ever... zuko and azula were alone in the palace with only each other for years after ursa's disappearance and azulon's death. it made them so tremendously dependant on each other. azula believes that her brother is the one thing she can protect, wants to save, is her final piece of family and something good and there's no one else, NO ONE else. HE HAS TO STAY. it's very intense. the fire siblings trust each other implicitly and convince themselves that they're going to be stabbed in the back by each other. they're tied together in blood and want to kill each other and constantly butt heads and argue and contradict each other. and they're the united front of the last of ozai's line. the only ones who understand what it was to be a child of ozai and ursa. azula wants to bite zuko's head off and zuko constantly wonders if azula has been sent by a dark spirit to bring endless suffering to his life. true terrible siblings that would raze a country to the ground for the other, then slide a dagger into their back while they watch it burn.

their day to day life is a little boring, really. ty lee flits in and out of the palace on whims. if court is fun, she'll go. if there's a gala, she's there. if its boring? she'll leave to some FN island for a month and a half making connections, meeting nobles, being entertained, probably picking up a WEIRD hobby and/or romantic partner for a week. she sends a bajillion letters back abt her travels - that azula diligently reads and that mai dgaf abt and gets the synopsis off of azula. then ty lee returns, and rinse and repeat.

mai is officially a political advisor, representative of her father and close confidant of the princess-general azula. in reality, she fucks around the palace pursuing whatever she wishes, and conducts a very very terribly obvious affair with zuko that half the goddamn nation knows about. she's happy coasting along, dipping her hand into politics and national affairs every now and then to keep up apperances, and acting as a spy for azula when she wants to. they have a nice little setup.

azula is quite literally busy from sun up to sun down. she's got one billion projects constantly; ranging from political, scholarly, artistic, so on. she manages her own little spy network, she manages half the nobles in court, she micromanages the nation's finances. she's so insanely busy, and thats how she likes it. she always has time for tea with mai and training with zuko somehow. and zuko is much the same. he's never alone in a room, and always has a pile of work to get through. as the crown prince he's heavily involved in all flavours of meetings and consultations. he usually leaves the noble shmoozing to azula, though. he hates them.

they all work together pretty cohesively, since they were born and raised into these roles of nobility. katara was. not. katara absolutely, desperately DESPISES the fn royal court. no one tells her fucking ANYTHING about the tiny intricate sublties. its all very ridiculous to her. the stubborn, proffessional distance everyone keeps with each other is the worst of it for katara, who grew up in a very loving community that has no issues about physical or emotional intimacy. it's terribly lonely. she's stubborn enough to keep bashing her head against the wall trying to work her way through it, bc she refuses to be excluded from the halls of power of her new life. she's also kind of upset that despite being married to azula, she rarely ever SEES her, hardly gets the chance to know her (and connect with the one person she's allowed to have in the endlessly lonely palace halls). azula is simply so absorbed into her duties (and avoiding katara) that they only glimpse each other in their shared quarters. to katara's irritation and mai's distaste, those two seem to be the only people who see each other regularly. its really not a fun time for katara. she stumbles and makes mistakes and it's only then she ever gets to see her wife - and it's always azula's ire that she gets to recieve. toxic yuri.....

SO. thank you for asking abt this. i hope my complete word vomit makes a lick of sense. i adore talking about this au. peace and love on planet azutara

#starrdio #political marriage au #azutara #ask #btw when you ask me a bunch of questions abt this au i jump up and down and go yipeee!!

[abimee]

i understand where the concept comes from because i know i see things differently as an agender person but for ME. PERSONALLY. whenever a fic or smthn tries to diversify/expand on amaurotine culture surrounding gender i just think about how if the gender aspect of amaurot was taken into account like other aspects that where Would Be No Gender.

Because if amaurotines cast aside the idea of like, physical appearances and expression and unite under an idea of everyone simply being stewards to the star, why would the need for a concept like gender exist? Expression andgendered terms certainely wouldnt exist, roles wouldnt either because things wouldnt be categorized. The idea of amaurotine society entirely creating a concept like gender simply because of genitalia is also very laughable because that would be going against their idea of unity as one for one purpose, that of the star

Like for me personally i dont think there would be any concept of gender. pronouns, gendered language like man, woman, wife, husband, etc would just never form in amaurotine society. and by this account sexuality and the concept of it as we percieve it today wouldnt exist either, but NO terminology would exist at all. it would be wrong to say ''all amaurotines are bisexual'' because the concept of sexuality wouldnt exist at all so there would be descriptors, because there'd be no way to define the difference between a bisexual amaurotine and a not bisexual amaurotine.

but in my head like i get that these things are in fics because this society is being presented to us, an audience that Does have these concepts and want to see ourselves in a piece of media, but im just very crazy about amaurot so whenever a fic tries to start going into ideas how amaurot would handle ''gender'' better it often comes out more clumsy and fumbled with this idea that the best a ''world of paradise'' can get is to allow people to choose an identity they want to be distinguished by, instead of the society entirely doing away with such things and only determining you on what type of steward you are. does this make sense?

#i call althaea a bisexual agender woman but in amaurotine time for her None of Those Words Exist at all #but this is what she would probably confine as in modern eorzea

[ill-say-this-fast]

How do you feel about X-MCU! Quicksilver x MCU! Scarlet Witch?

yeah I know its a pretty crack ship but like it doesn't have to be in a romantic way. It can be like platonic and/or family bond or whatever. I just really like speculating what their dynamic would be like, how they would meet, etc. etc.

(Btw up to you if you consider Ralph -ugh- Boner secretly Peter Maximoff)

It's not my favourite version of the ship, mostly because I don't like that they don't have an established relationship with each other and I prefer 'incredibly codependent and have never been apart in their life.' 'Essentially strangers' is an odd dynamic for them imo.

But theres definitely interesting stuff in there. xmen Quicksilver is basically Tommy in personality (and background) and thats an interesting dynamic for him to have with Wanda. Especially for her to see what her brother would be like if he'd had a slightly less hard life, less anti-social, less unhappy and all that. Or is she more of a maternal figure to him than she wouldve been with her Pietro?

I didnt watch wandavision (i dont like the way the mcu used Wanda, also i just hate seeing Vision's face), so Ive only percieved it through tumblr, but I dont see any reason to not throw out the Ralph thing to get something more interesting. (Also the like 2 gifs of him interacting with the kids is very important for scarletsilver reasons. I want them to be a family so bad.)

Personally I have a lot of headcanons for the new xmen to make Peter more like actual Quicksilver (eg. Wanda being more than a hint in the DOFP directors cut) so I'd be working with a different characterisation preferably. I can't see him not wanting to help any version of Wanda he meets tbh, unless she's trying to hurt his Wanda. He knows how completely lost he'd be without her and would want to help her get her version of him back and would try to keep her balanced in the meantime. I'd see that as something softer and more romantic on his side, even if she's more desperate.

If you want to take the more immature characterisation that xmen Peter has, I kinda like the idea that he's in love with his Wanda but she's holding back, and then he gets dragged into this other world with a Wanda who isn't afraid of wanting to be with him and so he gets (almost) everything he wants, like a paradise, and so does mcu Wanda, but there's always a tiny little thing wrong to go with the general uncanniness of wandavision (that they aren't the exact right version of each others' person) and they have to confront that eventually (and hopefully get back to their people for a happy ending)

#thanks for the ask i love getting them :) #maxicest #u: m//c//u #u: fox xmen #answered

[im-tired-today-again]

the thieves class in homestuck is interesting

I'm unsure as whether thieves are passive or active, and i honestly dont care about that type of stuff, but they're really interesting to me. There's a certain thing about them

The way I see things (which can very much be wrong)

Thieves don't have personalities.

I would take examples from Homestuick, but i only have very loose memory from when i read it years ago, and i dont honestly feel like going back and re-reading shit

The way thieves work is that they steal their aspect of course, but it's always from other people. Thieves take, take, and take, they take everything from others, which can very easily lead themselves to never have anything original in them, not a single thought came from them but only the ideas theyve stolen.

It could be that they are grasping at straws for some semblence of identity, stealing and taking what they can to cover up what they aren't through some percieved lack of true meaning. Or, it could be that's simply what they were doing since childhood, gripping at every single thing they come across and taking and taking and taking and it becoming their "own", an unconcious need to steal, not even knowing if you have it or not, perhaps to a point where you dont know what you're doing, apparently stealing for some sense that you didn't know that you needed or even wanted. Conciously, and unconciously

I guess you could seperate this into the Rogue and Thief classes, rogues unconciously steal and thiefs conciously, which makes a lot of fuckin sense tbh

Maybe, thieves conciously steal, and cover themselves up with the aspect they steal. (i think i got it chat) They steal their aspect and make it their whole "personality", to hide their primal, internal fear. It's kind of about fear. I've read that thieves steal their aspect and use it as a whole identity, but only do it due to a perceived lack of that aspect. Though, it feels as though they steal their aspect in fear of it. Like (hear me out. God i am SHIT at explaining myself through words) It's like, they cover themself with their aspect, not just because of any percieved lack of it, but fear of the inverse. A Thief of Life afraid of Doom, running away from it and making sure the end is never truly the end, never stopping to stay still and empathize. A Thief of Light always ensuring they're in the spotlight, no matter if it hurts them or others, deeply afraid of being forgotten, left in the Void, left alone in mystery. You get where I'm getting these. But, if they were to be afraid of the inverse, i feel like they'd be the inverse if it was so deeply and primordially Them. They steal so much of their aspect, they only leave behind the inverse in their wake. But that's kind of it. It's their inverse, it's their other half of the coin. The Thief of Light takes all the knowledge and spotlight it can get, leaving Void, mystery, forgottenness in its wake. A Thief of Life stealing all the growth and mortality for themself, always leaving ruin and death. It's kind of just a core part of them, it's their destinies in a way. Give and take

I like Thieves, being a Page (Thief is a Page's inverse) it's kind of a thing that . Y'know. I get. It's my other side of the coin, it's something I can completely understand and relate to, whilst having no clue what it's about and what it could possibly be like. I Get It. But I never will truly be able to understand

Like, I have a friend who's a Knight of Heart, adn he has his heartbound character. I can get the character from an extent being a trans guy along with him, but I will never be able to truly encompass the other feeling as a heartbound, because it's such a Thing. I get it, but i will never understand. It's a weird feeling, a dissapointing one, and a great one. That's how I feel towards thieves. They're so inherently interesting, at least to me

[ishouldgetadiary]

i don’t necessarily think that many people in my life get that i am often living in a completely different world to them in terms of what is going on in my brain and what i consider actually important or real. and i mean this in multiple ways but a big one is related to cis-heteronormativity

it's hard to talk about and hard to express because dont mean it in a mean or bad way and i dont want to insult my friends or family because i know that to them it's important and their 'natural order' but it reaches the point of such heavy cognitive dissonance for me where i genuinely dont know how to express to people in a fully authentic way, because when i engage in stupid conversations about boyfriends or friendship drama, it is out of maintaining the rules i have learnt about social conversation. unless there is actual full on suffering/abuse or active bigotry going on i dont really care that much if at all.

i am basically describing autistic masking when i say this but like in the ways it seems like i care, half the time there's a solid chance that i actually dont because it's just the social cue, i am saying the lines that i have prepackaged which are, at best, slightly altered for the conversation. they are all meant to be deemed acceptable for what you (and/or greater society) consider me to be, there are very few people who id say regularly get a fully authentic me regardless of if we're talking in person or via messaging/writing (i am most honest in writing. in my opinion).

it's also difficult when the schemas are very 'i have to pass as cishet' even when i dont have to, because in any given social situation i have to account for the fact that most people i talk to are not accustomed in their brain to think of me or most people in general as not cishet and i cant be bothered to interrogate that thought process for them no matter how much i despise it because it's easier to be surrounded by people who wont always fully respect you than it is to be lonely and too different (even tho i acknowledge even my ‘normal’ comes across as very weird)

what's even harder to explain (at least to cis people) is how i dont consider my very fem speech and presentation to be indicative that im a woman. especially when my actual behavioural inclinations and beliefs can be considered ‘’’masculine’’’. because i really dont think i am a woman, i dont fit into that fucking club and i dont think i ever have my entire life, even when i used to consider myself a girl. of course, there isnt such thing as a right way to be a woman but whatever it is, isnt me. i dont have that thing in my brain that is complacent in and just intuitively knows without thinking it that everything i do is in the box of ‘woman’. i dont think i really fit into that community. and you know, the people who want to turn that into a problem of how we treat women in society arent exactly wrong but they’re not at all right either and i dont care for that argument at all. i dont care to include my own self percieved outsider-dom or what have into the equation either because i dont think it gets anybody to the point of what im trying to describe as my problem.

in general i dont like the idea of anything i do being specifically one gender or the other and ingraining gender and the idea of gendered behaviours into people is just a scam meant to group and segregate plain old animals arbitrarily. half of our problems would be solved if our gender stereotypes didnt exist and everything was allowed to just Be because it leads to things like teaching men that masculinity means a lack of empathy and teaching women that femininity means shame (i dont have to say that that’s not true for everyone, you should know that already.) and it's all stupid and i would love to never be part of it again, whether it's in how others think of me or how i talk about things, but we live in a pretty fucked up world where i would be in a far greater danger to express this in person and say i dont want to give a shit about gender and to be considered as nothing and/or everything and showing that in my appearance than i would be (as i am) presenting as cisgender. and then there’s the bag of worms that comes with the fucking like, imposter syndrome i get even though i have all of these internal mechanisms just because i do present as cis and im closeted to my family about gender and grrrrrr

#rambles #transgender #nonbinary #nonsense posting #personal #rant #long post #genderfluid #gender

[wuvbug-kny]

Could you write a Yandere Zenitsu Headcanon? Have both SFW and NSFW, please ♡♡ :3

im so sad, i was working on this but all my progress got lost because tumblr quit on me aaa ;w;

♥︎yandere! zenitsu headcanons♥︎

sfw ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡

zenitsu is a bipolar type of yandere. he is normal, most of the time but the smallest things can make him switched to his very detached, obsessive yandere side. its very dangerous honestly being his lover and all, because you can never really determine whens a good time for this or that.

the smallest things can set zenitsu off to where he goes yandere mode. if anyone is flirting with you or too close to you for his liking, he’ll go full blown yandere mode. he was a very unhealthy obsession with you which leads to him being very manipulative of how you percieve other people and controlling of what you wear and do.

youre too naive and oblivious to realize that everything he does is toxic and unhealthy, however. because you lack relationship experiencs, you think this is all normal! causing you to not mind or put so much thought on his clearly wrong actions.

he is obsessive and doesnt even bother to hide it. this causes yours and his friends to worry about your safety and your wellbeing, and honestly just the wellbeing of the relationship in general. your friends have tried to sit you down and talk to you about it, but you honestly have no idea what they’re talking about and just accuse them of bad mouthing zenitsu, when he’s clearly ‘done nothing wrong’

because its obvious you wont take their words into consideration, tanjirou has no other option but to talk to zenitsu. it backfires however, and zenitsu gets mad and passive aggresive, blaming tanjirou for just being jealous of his and yours relationship, even though thats not the case at all.

concern rises. you dont care. why? because youre so innocent, you dont even realize everything zenitsu does and says to you is wrong. and because hes manipulative, hes given you the absolute impression that everyone just doesnt like you two together, and they want to steal your or him from each other. this causes you to become very insecure whenever they try to talk to you, and you too, become passive aggresive towards those who are simply just concerned for you.

slowly you and zenitsu start to distance yourself from everyone else. his unhealthy obession with you grows to the point he’ll do anything to have to keep you away from others. even if it means having killing another living being.

nsfw ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

zenitsu gets jealous a lot. like, a lot lot. thats why most of the time when you guys get intimidate is him taking his jealousy out on you.

he likes it when you submit to him, it feeds his ego even more and the way you cling onto him and moan his name feeds his obsession with you.

this causes him to become even more delusional and detached from feeling empathy towards other people. at this point, everything just revolves around you. you, you, you.

he likes to mark you in very visible places. and the marks he gives you arent just love bites, but actually marks of him physically hurting you during intimacy. as much as it hurts, you’ve been manipulated to believe he hurts others to protect you because he loves you, oh so much.

at this point, its not even love anymore. zenitsu is far too delusional and emotionally detached. he thinks its love, and so do you, but really it is obsession. a very unhealthy obsession that could of been easily prevented if he hadnt taken advantage of your innocence.

#zenitsu #kimetsu no yaiba zenitsu #zenitsu x reader #kny imagines #kny x reader #kny #kimetsu no yaiba #headcanon #yandere #prompt

[coolingdownanddrawing]

heres some idea’s for redesigns along with some bulletpoints on what I was thinking for story stuff involving remaking the series

Im having trouble reading off the screenshots so Im gonna write it out under the cut along with probably adding some ideas or expanding on the bullet lists (future me here: I wrote a Lot)

Sam Manson:

-Rich Activist, meaning she’s kinda blind to some troubles going on or doesnt full understand how others are doing financially, along with being raised in a house with people who arnt exactly empathetic and more focused on appearances then worker rights, sam can come off as shallow to others doing activist work.

 it could be a really interesting character arc for her to realize some of the things going on outside of her school and plants that she can help with, along with dealing with that sense of helplessness she feels at being to normal to help anyone she expresses in the show.

-Goth, but cheery? One thing i noticed in the show is how overall cheerful sam can come off while toting goth ideal’s, which may be a part of why she isnt shown to have many goth friends with them seeing her more as a poser becouse their teenagers and teenager Be like that sometimes.

 It’s not a problem in my book but it could be fun to see tucker or danny question it when in goth spaces and sam basically saying the truth that you dont have to be miserable to enjoy dark subject matter. maybe with tucker and danny getting a small interest in some of the “lesser” goth stuff sam introduces to them.

-fights everyone, becouse teenager with boundless energy and Ghosts attacking all the time. sam didnt fight much in the original series and thats a shame.

-facinated by ghost, becouse duh

-I was kinda thinking of her and tucker being introduced by them competing for class president, becouse that seem’s like a position both would be interested in and it be more interesting then having tucker face dash

Tucker Foley

-Likes to influence others is a general statment, but its true tucker likes to be involved in other peoples lives and generally have his oppinion affect people in possitive (or negative) ways. he likes seeing that his involvment matters and he suffers when people ignore him or take his oppinions for granted and id love to see stuff centered around this trait

-level 1 leader/planner, sorta connected to the influencing people thing I think tucker really would thrive in leadership roles that danny just isnt suited to handling, big mobs of people and sam on his side and he is a force to be recond with. Tucker thrives in getting big groups of people to side with him esspecially since technology profficientcy isnt a sign of weakness in this day and age. 

plus him working on his public speaking lines up with his motivation of wanting to be attactive to ladies. 

also Having him working on public speaking stuff and general people person scenario’s gives a lot of reason for the group to interact with the A listers in a less hostile scenario

-tech god I guess, becouse tucker foley

Dan Phantom

-Incarnation of discomfort being the unintentional (At least the first time) fusion of a stubborn 14 year old and his crazy 40 year old father figure with very different morals and oppinions makes existing very, very akward for dan, but great comedy fodder!

-dan is able to have legs or a ghostly tail whenever he pleases unlike vlad or danny, becouse I figured it be a good way to make fights more interesting and their fighting styles different becouse I want more vlad involvement and having  them be extra different types of ghosts makes watching either of them fight much more interesting

-wishes to not exist, esspecially in the presense of either danny or vlads love interests becouse WOW thats akward

-WAAAAY more powerful then danny and vlad, partially becouse making dan a final everything is going to hell desperate final action for danny and vlad would make dan’s appearances more interesting but also becouse of difference’s about vlad plasmius and danny phantom I will talk about when I get to them. 

Dan Discomfort Masters

-“Vlad’s nephew” becouse if you’re meeting this guy stuff has gone horrible wrong on the de-fusing front  and he needs a reason to be in either fenton on masters house hold to get whatever he needs to fix the ghost catcher 

- big ol liar pant’s, partially becouse danny and vlad are Huge Liars but also becouse of the whole, I need shit to stop existing 

-Trying to keep it together becouse he’s probably made to interact with people vlad and danny have Opinions On and honestly he cant decide if he wants to viciously prank jack at every oppertunity or punch himself for thinking of being mean to jack, among other such mixed feelings.

Vlad Masters

-Certified genius due to a number of thing’s including his obession, and becouse being smarter then jack makes him happy and if jack ever expressed interest in a subject He Must Be Better, he might not be trying to kill jack becouse he doesnt want to deal with a ghost hunter ghost for who knows how long but he wont be lesser then jack in ANYTHING.

-fruitloop, still has some backwards logic and morals such as having valarie become a ghost hunter to offer a sparring buddy to danny and whats a better motive to shoot at someone then they ruined their life right but he’s generally such a over the top bird brain trying to show off to everyone that fruitloop is the only description he can be given.

-less evil is a Big Thing, he’s still objectively not a very good man but I want him and danny working together and sharing a roof on the weekends but that means not shooting first and asking questions later on site, so a less evil vlad is needed, plus it just generally makes there interactions more fun and less dangerous which is what im going for, since walker can take over a lot of vlads antagonist role in the story plus danny and vlad making agreements to get stuff out of eachother sounds like a hell of a lot of fun, i liked eye for and eye vlad sue me.

- as a side not I want vlad to be a lot less physically fit and practiced with doing things as a human, seeing him as a man who lords his power over others when he can he prefers relaxing and working as plasmius more then masters, which affects his health and serves a purpose in story for a lesson id like made after watching phantom planet last night

Vlad Plasmius

-loving guardian in that he really, really does want to be a good father and mentor figure to danny even if their relationship is rocky due to long standing lies he’s been feeding him and how tight a grip vlad has on his familys financial health. as well as the whole snatching partial costody as soon as costudy was called into question after dannys accident (Ill get to that) vlad’s babysat in the past for the fenton which is part of it, along with his desire to be better at jack in every aspect.

-great implorer, in which he likes to get minions when he can and usually only grumbles if his minions already have plans when he calls for them, pays great by ghost zone and human standards and usually offers a full health plan, though skulkers case that full health plans is for when he gets his head up his ass and thinks he can actually get either danny or vlads pelt, one of skulkers suits is on vlads lab wall with a nice hole where its face should be as a reminder to those who cross him.

-only legs,  meaning he uses 100% more kicks and ground based attacks then danny and can kick below the bet where danny cant, this plus his fire core making him have to get creative lest he burn his surroundings to the ground has him fighting in a very different way to danny, along with his 20 years of experience. vlad tends to fight ghosts with less reason to leave the ghost zone, and invading lairs to get what he wants, leading to more serious encounters then what danny faces in the begining.

-loves dramatics, becouse vlad plasmius everybody he’s a cookyier villian here

-less evil and more ruthless and efficient to those who get in his way, that arnt who percieves as family 

-Plasmius’s obsession is teaching people lessons, in all the good and horrible ways that can imply. halfa’s have more broad and less restrictive obsessions then other ghosts which makes them more dangerous and able to ammas power.

Danny Fenton

-Fenton works heir, which is played up a lot more in this with vlad backing his family and giving them chances to disgrace themselves on public telivision and get shamed out of wherever their currently living, leading them on a series of moves throughout dannys life before amity park show off their inventions to the world! Since Jazz aggressively refused the role it fell on danny and he actually takes it pretty seriously, believing as a little bab in ghosts and being convinced of their evil from a young age by his parents which you can only imagine does great things for him when he becomes a halfa and learns unkie vlad is one as well.

-has been haunted by the creepy ghost boy title his whole like due to his situation and the fact he is usually made to assist in showing off his parents weapons publicly as a apprentice ghost hunter, one such invention was the fenton portal that had a wire loose during the presentation, when he went in and put it back the doors automatically shut him in and jack and maddie didnt notice he was in there still until the screaming started, this led to some public outcry over weather jack and maddie are fit to raise kids and vlad swooping in for partial costudy of both fenton children “to ease the masses, and besides he’s basically helped raise them anyway whats garenteed weekends at one of vlads places going to do?”  it was a sucky situation.

-bad reputation due to general protectiveness of his parents along with terrible social skills, along with his new trouble of hiding and controlling emerging ghost powers.He doesnt leave a initial good impression on sam and tucker when he first meets them as fenton, and people tend to avoid him to keep away from his parents wierdness anyhow.

-is less good in the traditional sense but wants to keep people safe and happy if he can help it, though its argueable if thats simply a manifestation of his obsession or if its just becouse he’s a sweet kid, once he gets it into his head that ghosts arnt always evil he tries really hard to be nice to ghost too and even tries to save them from his parents when he can. putting his neck out for them.

Danny Phantom

-just wants a lair is a shorthand for wanting to just experience regular ghost things when he’s going ghost, he’s less inclined to fight every ghost he see’s unless their actively hurting people and tries to talk them down, not wanting his afterlife filled with enemies when he officially keels over. 

he has big dreams for a super cool lair of his own that are explored upon the one time he’s split apart by the ghost catcher, mostly becouse phantom rips the  door to his room from its hinges and zooms into the ghost zone as soon as he’s out, found aimlessly wondering helplessly looking for the PERFECT location to start building. he tends to day dream about the lair of his dreams in class.

-no leg’s leading to more air combat and trying to immobalize people with his tail, usually fighting fairly though with his moments of cheap shots in partiicularly deadly battles,, he usually fights people like johnny 13 who mess with people then he does generally harmless ghosts like box ghost in the begining, plus with his in development abilities that include a versatile ice core his fights are more strategy  then sheer beat down or creative weapon making (or heating whatever metal the ghost is wearing to the point of insanity) 

Danny also has this little problem where he “died” in a anti ghost hazmat suit made of stuff to weaken and harm a ghost who comes in contact with jack and maddies little boy and it means its harder on him to access his powers, taking more energy to do things that most ghost would find easy like intangibilty and invisibility, which is a major problem for him esspecially at first, danny’s only made aware of this though vlads help and their working on a way to trick the hazmat suit into changing material with what danny was wearing under the suit, since its being difficult with changing on dannys command, he can put stuff over and under the suit but the suit itself is hard to make budge.  the outfit shown above is after danny learns how to at least add stuff over it with vlads help.

dan does not have problem’s with the material of his costume making him have access to all dannys abilities easily, along with vlads experience and power and dannys creative thinking dan gets the nickname of the ultimate enemy with good reason

- Loves exploring, esspecially the ghost zone its so interesting and full of enteraining characters and the food is Amazing at least in ghost form and vlad’s show him some pretty incredible places in the zone when they agree to work together in the sense of vlad stealing madde and jacks thermoses at the end of fenton fights and danny helping him spelunk in the ghost zone,  its a guilty pleasure to be able to show sam and tucker around when they become friends, natural portals are a tempation danny has a hard time ignoring when he see’s one, much to his loved ones annoyance.  wolf is a terrible enablr of a friend.

- due to his obession with proving himself (its the wording i go with now i might change it to something like control or being loved) danny tends to want people to like him and seeing a opertunity to get them to like him sorta throws him off balance and out of fight mode, usually leading to him cuddling up to them, in phantom form dannys a great cuddler. take caution though he’s been known to trick enemys into thinking he’s gone out of fight mode and either shove them into the nearest portal/thurmos or later freezing them where they stand.  dannys terrible with crowds, esspecially crowds of people who dont like him he freezeses up.

Danny to-tired-to-function (school and not working with parents danny)

-cant wait to to graduate, with no plans to go to college becouse he’s not paying for more hell

-is really in a bad place socially and mentally in the begining, but will become a lot happier once he befriends sam and tucker, though before that he tends to do some pretty desperate and embarrasing things to get attention and has a problem with letting people drag him into trouble on the promise of friendship.

Danny’s Chore’s list:

-deadly laundry with ectoplasm contaminated laundry machines to content with

-helping whoever wants to cook, cook, or being in charge of dinner most nights unless someone else wants to cook (breakfast is jazz’s job, maddie and jack are gently discouraged from cooking, jazz and danny usually or use to just grab take out for lunch if they had time)

-cleaning the lab

-dishes with ecto contaminated dishwasher are always a little dangerous damn appliances and their wills to reak havoc, jazz likes to help make sure it doesnt hurt anyone since its more dangerous then the laundry machines

-assembling weapons with parents for the vault, or incase of a huge ghost invasion so everyone has a chance at a weapon, danny usually just assembles the less dangerous stuff that doesnt require a lot of welding

-general house maintense, vacuuming and window cleaning while jazz mops and dusts 

-jazz cleans the weapons vault after learning dannys secret becouse its a lot less dangerous for her then for him and hes infinitly grateful

AND DONE thats some of my thoughts on what could be done with a re design of the characters and story beats listed, im tired of writing now but enjoyed getting this out

#danny phantom #danny fenton #sam manson #tucket foley #dan phantom #vlad masters #vlad plasmius #lot more words then normal

[emme1111]

A LETTER TO YOU, MY LOVE

I don’t know what's your name, nor how old you are. I know you’re close to me, that our age gap is minumum or absent. I know your heart is free, you currently allow love into your life.  I haven’t met you yet, but i know that God has our backs, our hands, our hearts. I trust Him. Even though I don’t know these things, I know others: i know you’re moved by an infinite passion for your life, in a safe way. You’re hungry of experiences, new ones, just like me. You like feeling good, in body and mind. You have a healthy lifestyle and you’re radiant, optimist. You’re detemined: you have a goal in life and you want to achieve it. You’re alive, vibrating and sparkling with your own light.  You’re a good person.  I don’t know what you’ve done in the past, I haven’t met you yet, but I know you’re good. I feel it. I sense it. I percieve it.  You’re open minded and incredibly intelligent, just like me. You made me fall since the first moment, in every possible way - because, let’s admit it... you’re handsome. You’re the most handsome person I have ever met in 19 years.  We connected instantly. It’s strange, because i rarely open towards someone so soon, i rarely feel at easy with new people, but that’s what happened with you.  We connected instantly, deeply, in a long and lasting way.  We’re a perfect match, we complete each other: we understood it with time.  The first time I saw you, I was speechless. You’re outstanding. Your gaze is alive, intelligent, deep, magnetic and brilliant. I instantly wanted to caress your soft hair, but how could I? Now, though, it’s you who always caress mine, and I always caress yours.  You’re so alaive, my  love. Full of love and happiness to give to the world. Our characters fits to  perfectly together. This is our miracle, our fortune, our bliss.  After the phisical attraction, the mental one came. You left me wrong-foot. You took me, I took you.  It was reciprocal.  You make me feel understood as much as I do understand you. You make me feel good, safe, protected, loved. You give me attentions that I rarely received, and I give them to you. We take care of the details.  You know what i want before i can even open my mouth and you totally get me with only one gaze, my love. we’re good when we remain silent. we talk about everything, always. we can connect in unespected ways.  you brought light into my life like never before. i am alive, i am appreciated, i am loved. you give me the moon and i give you the stars. we challenge each other, always. 

you are challenging. you offer me adventure, you give me the chance to grow, toexpand, you love me.

passion. you are passion. love. challenge. certainty. you are a safe boat.

your humour is incredible. you’re sarcastic, capable of making me smile and laugh in any moment, even the saddest one. 

when you hug me, i’m home. we’re home. 

i look at you and i’m grateful: you’re anything i have ever wanted, desired, craved. you’re polite (my parents love you and trust you). you entered into their hearts. 

everytime our bond is more intense. you give me life, i give you life. we’re beautiful, radiant. we light the world with our love, our presence.

you ring the bell whenever you come to take me and my father loves this little gesture. we’re untiring, a living tornado. boredom is a stranger to us.  you’re family is great, exaclty as mine.  a family who raised you up perfect as you are. your driving skills are great, you protect me and i feel safe.  you dream about me, you want me, you love me, you desire me now and forever. I’m perfect to you and you’re perfect to me.  You accept and comprehend my spirituality ( i dont know if you’re spiritual too, if you believe in God, but i love you and you love me). you respect me. you respect me like no other.  you’re fit, just like me. you’ve got a great and healthy body, the most attractive face features i have ever seen. and you’re mine, just mine, only mine.  i’m so glad i have you in my life. your voice heats me up, soul and heart, your smile gives me life. you’re enthusiast as a child. you’re a dreamer, though rational. you love music, just like me. we share some music taste, but you make me discover many more genres, just as i do. same thing for the movies. we have a great time at home, cuddling with a quilt, a pizza and our tv, as well as when we go out.  you’re stylish in an unforgettable way. we have fun together, we complete each other. we’re best friends.  you’re extroverted and introverted, just as i am. your friends love you. you’re an attractive intellectual, but even much more. 

our relationship is healthy, sane, lasting, long. you give me the freedom i want and i give you yours. we trust each other, blindly, reasonably. you always flirt with me like it’s our first day together. you surprise me, you get me.  you listen to me and i listen to you. you love everything about me and i love everything about you in an unconditional way, imperfections included. 

we always find the time to be together, including our friends in our relationship. we balance private life and public life in the perfect way.  i’d write poems about you.  you always like me, i always like you. inside and outside. always. in the body, in the mind.  we connect, we inspire each other. 

you treat me like a queen. your family is weatlhy and healthy. they’re good people, i love them and they love me.  our families get along really well. 

the forces of nature are condensed in us, united as one. in you. in me.  life with you is a pleasure. we touch each other even without touching, we inspire and challenge each other. we kiss without kissing.  we bring out the best of each other. we make incredible experiences together. i love the way you look at me and you love the way i look at you. we enrich each other, we trust each other, we’re always there for each other.  it’s us, for ever.  i love you and you love me.  i know you’re here, i feel you. you feel me. i see you, you see me.  let everything happens as it is meant to happen.  we share passions and values (but we’re also different, luckly enough). You’re taller than me.  thank you, God. thank you, Love.  we shine, both of us. we’re young, full of life.  we’re intriguing. you intrigue me, i intrigue  you.  our characters are the perfect match.  we’re each other’s fan. our humour makes us always young. our enthusiasm, our people...

you always like me, i always like you. we surprise each other. we’re each other’s focal point, safe zone. 

we’re friends, lovers, best friends, partners in crime, adventutes mates. your gaze always surprise me.... your face... you’re my definition of perfect.  we’re happy together. we always bring eachother upon a pedestal. we love each other. we desire each other. passion, respect, love, sharing... that’s what we always give each other.  our lives are full of successes, personal and shared. i love you, you love me. we always have fun together. you’re funny, confident, deep. strong, inside and outside. you’re my strenght. you make me daydream now and forever. you know everything about me and i know everything about you. you’re frizzy, trustworthy, loyal, devoted to me. you like the idea of building your own family, something serious in general. 

you make me a better person and i make you a better person. you’re pushing. you make me laugh. i make you laugh. 

shiny eyes, hungry only for me. hungry for my love. you know how to get me, i know how to get you. i always adore you. i push aside the hair from your forehead when they fall and,messy as they are,cover your eyes. i take care of you, you take care of me.  we’re young, two tornados ready to share successes, ups and downs. 

you kiss incredibly well. you know my tastes, i know yours. we overcome any obstacle. we’re perfect together, inside and outside. we’re perfect for each other.

we’re here. 

you’re here. i am here. see you soon, love.  sept 17th, 2018. i met him on sept 24th, 2018.

[twinkrundgren]

cr//ow//tez is t//rus/cu//m stop putting her shit on my dash

https://pastebin.com/9s6T3h28

https://pastebin.com/VrUyXGMq

ive been keeping this secret for like 3+ years now but tbh its probably time to come clean and hopefully im not the only one who was abused and victimized by her shitty behavior for years

for context: at the time i summarized my gender as burke shelley because he looked like how i wanted to look and he gave me inspiration to be a kind of androgynous person with long hair. i explained in the chat that i wasnt “kinning” him or whatever, but his aesthetic resonated with me and how i felt about my gender

also i put slashes in certain words because of some shitty people who track certain words to harass people

choice quotes:

[12:21:51 AM] Burke Shelley: changed it

[12:21:56 AM] Burke Shelley: u can be trans without dys/phoria

[12:22:01 AM] no-crowmplain: no you cant

[12:22:47 AM] no-crowmplain: do you support people using otherkin pronouns and saying theyre trans

[12:22:53 AM] no-crowmplain: you cant just say youre trans and be that

[12:32:06 AM] Burke Shelley: u don't have to have body dysp/horia to id as another gender

[12:32:07 AM] no-crowmplain: yeah

[12:32:12 AM] no-crowmplain: uh

[12:32:13 AM] no-crowmplain: excuse me

[12:32:14 AM] no-crowmplain: no

[12:32:18 AM] no-crowmplain: if oyu id as another gender

[12:32:20 AM] TEAM MERKAVA: what your brain and body have

[12:32:35 AM] Burke Shelley: that's falling into gender expression though

[12:32:42 AM] no-crowmplain: its not only ridiculing actual trans people its disrespecting them EXTREMELY

[12:32:45 AM] Burke Shelley: your sex is seperate from ur gender

[12:32:59 AM] no-crowmplain: there are people who arent able to transition because psychologists and gender specialists have turned them down because theyve seen so mny people

[12:33:16 AM] no-crowmplain: with this idea that you can just say youre a gender and just be it

[12:33:17 AM] Burke Shelley: and there are some people who don't want to transition but want to be percieved as a boy

[12:33:48 AM] no-crowmplain: cy

[12:33:55 AM] no-crowmplain: being seen as a boy and identifying as a boy are different

[12:33:56 AM] no-crowmplain: very

[12:36:31 AM] Burke Shelley: this is why i was afraid of coming out

[12:36:39 AM] Burke Shelley: outside of tumblr

[12:36:44 AM] Burke Shelley: because you guys all think it's bogus

[12:36:48 AM] no-crowmplain: coming out

[12:36:51 AM] Burke Shelley: ya

[12:36:54 AM] no-crowmplain: if youre gonna say youre trans now

[12:36:57 AM] no-crowmplain: im gonan flip a whole entire dick

[12:41:25 AM] no-crowmplain: please dont chop off your tits and give yourself actual dysphoria

[1:32:34 AM] no-crowmplain: if im evil, then ill continue being evil if it means trying to get the respect thats deserved for people who suffer through dy/sp//horia and need the help they deserve. hey look! im complete tr/us//cum and i absolutely despise tu/c//ut/es. nice!

also a while back she sent one of her friends to harass me on anon and i can’t find the posts anymore but they went by shitsquadshitter for a while and also harassed my friends

also i have no evidence of this, but i’ll say it anyway: she abused me for fucking years and treated me like shit. she said she was my friend but 

1. she harassed me because she flew to illinois to visit me one day and i didnt return the favor (nevermind the fact i said I COULDNT FLY MULTIPLE TIMES) 

2. started an argument with me about reflections on a picture because i used a reference and she thought i was wrong and started shit 

3. started an argument with me because i was talking about illinois weather and decided to play oppression olypmics because california was in a drought and i had no reason to complain about a blizzard

#rambles #please signal boost ive seen her art around still and she hasnt changed like at all #last i knew she was active in the undertale fandom

[rottenbutrecovering]

Hi! I'm starting to come to terms with having BPD but the criteria confuses me; is it okay for you to share how you experience it so I can at least get an idea? Thank you, love your blog!

Okay I’ve had this ask in my inbox for so long but I’m finally answering it! Putting it under a read more as it’ll be long.

Note: I wrote this for my boyf a few months ago (I’m changing the wording), so it uses the old criteria! One day I’ll write it up for the new one

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

I am sensitive to abandonment. To me, when someone is angry, it doesn’t mean “they’re angry rn” it’s “they’re angry so they’ll leave me.” This is why i spent 6 hours arguing with my ex when he dumped me. I’m hypervigilant so will over analyse behaviours a lot. People may catch me often saying “are you mad at me?” “do you hate me?” or “are you okay?” randomly when I percieve a change in mood/behaviour as I will auto assume it’s a negative change and will mean they’ll leave me.

Also, I test people. And I hate it. I’ll say things like “we can stop talking if you want” cause i want the person to say they wanna talk to me. I normally notice when im doing this and stop

Also I say “tell me you love me” and “tell me im pretty” to confirm my boyf won’t leave me

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

Basically, this means in my relationships (this includes friendships and family) I go from adoring the person to hating them, and back. I hate this, and I avoid doing it the best I can. People may notice with my friends one day ill say they’re my best friend and the next ill say i hate them/they piss me off. My relationships are intense as my feelings are.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

I mirror others personalities, as I can’t see mine myself. I’m unsure who I am, so change a lot. My views shift with people im with, and i go thru obsessional phases with things and they become my personality (e.g. fnaf). It also means i relate to fictional characters a LOT and often mirror them (unconsciously). I’ve also had quite a few break downs where I end up repeating “who am I” to myself, and I find it hard to describe myself to others

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., substance abuse, binge eating, and reckless driving)

I don’t binge eat, drive, or abuse drugs or alcohol. However, i do impulsively message people saying stuff that will start fights (havn’t done this for ages tho). I may not have this symptom, altho I show it sometimes.

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

I get suicidal thoughts. When breaking down and crying I’ll say that I wanna die quite a lot, and I may make a lot of jokes about wanting to die. I get suicidal thoughts, well, pretty often. Maybe even daily. Sometimes fleeting, sometimes not.

It’s fairly rare that I self harm, and it’s normally only at my worst. 

I do, however, take part in mental self harm. Looking at things I know will hurt me mentally for example. I sometimes do this when my symptoms are low as i worry im faking.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Mood swings son, are the BANE of my life. Tiny things can change them, and sometimes they just change for NO REASON! Yeah, I hate this. It makes me feel I can never fully enjoy anything because my mood can flip to extremes at any moment.

Chronic feelings of emptiness

It’s literally feeling nothing, emptiness. I get this… look in my eyes when im empty that i dont like. When like this i may talk about how nothing matters and say “whatever” and “not that it matters” a lot. I get like this when im breaking down. When like this i become apathetic and, if I’m really bad, kinda mean, and I hate it, cause i wanna be a good person

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

I tend to direct anger towards myself (blame myself for things) than to others. But ill admit I am quick to get VERY defensive and not listen to what others have to say if I perceive they’re attacking me.

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

This bitch paranoid! Which is also why I’m not very impulsive. I often think people are out to get me and doing things behind my back. I will over analyse. I may accuse people of something out of nowhere, with no evidence. But to me, there is evidence. If this happens, please ask for my reasoning, and explain why it’s wrong. I dissociate in stress. Dissociation is where i feel disconnected from my body. My typing becomes messy, my thoughts disorganised, and I feel out of reality. I may ask things like “where am i” or “i have no idea whats going on”. 

#answered #advice #suicide tw #self harm tw #Anonymous

[daegurp-blog]

WELCOME TO DAEGU !!

loading dossier on HEO SOOSUN —— please be sure to take a look at the checklist before venturing around town.

BASIC STUFF.

FACECLAIM: jung soojung + krystal jung/ krystal. MUSE’S NAME: heo soosun. PRONOUNS: she/her. GENDER: cisfemale. AGE: 23.

PERSONALITY.

POSITIVE TRAITS: perceptive, independent and compassionate. NEGATIVE TRAITS: enigmatic, opinionated and short-tempered. MUSE AESTHETICS: chopped off pieces of hair on her bathroom floor, unsent letters and a smile that tells a million stories. QUOTE: i cannot make my anger beautiful. i cannot make my pain sweet.

BACKGROUND.

soosun was born in seoul, south korea. most of her childhood was spent with her father, she doesn’t know anything about her mother and often waved her off when she would ask.

even since she was a child, he was obsessed with her femininity and keeping her innocent, while it didn’t seem that strange from the an outsider’s perspective, specially when she was just a little girl. he just seemed like an overprotective father.

he increasingly became more volatile throughout the years, this led to physical and mental abuse. whenever he thought she was out doing something sinful or something he just percieved as wrong, she was punished and that was that.

eventually they moved from seoul to daegu due to a promotion he’d gotten. she was just fourteen years old and flourishing into womanhood, getting her first period and going through puberty and such.

this had garnered attention from boys at her school, which made some females jealous and spread rumors about her sexual whereabouts that, in reality, did not happen at all.

there was a lot of bullying at the time, names being thrown around, so she kept herself secluded for the most part.

once she’d reach the age of sixteen, soosun began to defend herself against her father more. cutting her hair in retaliation for what he thought was feminine and it eventually led to a physical altercation between the both of them.

the matter was taken to by the police and after they examined everything, she was sent to the foster system, having no immediate family members that they could find. he got a sentencing for the abuse.

sadly due to her attitude, no one really stuck around for much and she kind of preferred it that way. there was definitely tainted trust on her end with the mentality that if her own father could treat her the way he did, why wouldn’t a stranger do so?

once she was old enough to live by herself, they helped her found housing under the agreement that she would finish college and she did just that, majoring in art.

she’s currently still living in daegu working as an artist for an ad company, along with doing freelance on the side.

INTERVIEW.

1. what do you do for a living??

“i work for an ad company, i create art for them and come up with creative ideas to sell certain products or businesses. i also do my own stuff on the side, hoping the latter takes off.”

2. how and where do you see yourself being in 5 years??

“like i said, i hope my career in art takes off more than it has, it’s always been a passion of mine. i want to achieve happiness, i don’t think money ever meant much to me, just as long as i have enough to put a roof over my head and food on my plate.”

3. where do you fall on daegu’s societal hierarchy spectrum??

“i would say i’m in the middle, maybe a little closer to the lower. i really don’t have much an opinion on it, but quite honestly, if you don’t treat a person like a human being just because you have more money, you’re a piece of garbage. it’s a scientific fact.”

4. how do you feel about where you personally fit in the social hierarchy of the town and what are your intentions because of this??

“i’m honestly okay with it, i think the only reason i would want more money is to keep expanding my art, but i’m content. as for if i’m happy with the social hierarchy, not exactly. there’s just a lot of negative attention on people that dont have that kind of money and i think it’s ridiculous they’re doing their best and the hierarchy shouldn’t exist.”

5. what are your goals and aspirations for the future??

“currently? a peace of mind.”

#daeguaccepted #daegufollow

[calvinlepesh]

Purpose? Purpose.

My life was perfect til that day. I didn't even have a clue of how good off I was. Disrespectful, ungrateful, angry, but truly, sad. "From the beginning of my time or from the realization of the universe?" Very bold question I ask myself currently. How do I want to convey my knowledge? How do I want people to percieve what i will tell them? How will I word my stories and thoughts in a way that is too hard for normal people to understand? Can I? From the beginning it is! Now, Born Valentines day 1999 was chubby cheeked enthusiastically loved and cherished Lepesh. Born in Minnesota cold. Raised in Minnesota cold. Lepesh knew hot summer fun, running through the sprinklers, water balloon fights, Football, Basketball, Ice cream trucks, Chalk on the side walk/driveway, Biking with neighbors around our nitche. Biking by myself to the gasstation for candy. Waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement, Getting caught waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement. Lepesh knew winter fun. Snowboarding, Snowfuckingshoeing, Sleding, Snow tubing, Snowball fights, Huge snowmen, Snow forts along the cul-de-sac snowwall created by the huge cool snow plow! Wow! I thought to myself  mouth wide open with a smile, as the large plow on the front of the truck bursted through large mountainous snow mounds with ease. Creating wonderous mounds of snow in every frontyard across the neighborhood. Building snow forts and then having a war with snow balls. The point is my childhood was filled with fucking joy and happiness. It rocked man and Im super happy that it happened. I couldn't imagine this shit happening to me before.. Well before it happened. Its 2008. Its december as I sit on the couch with my brother and my parents..... well wait here theres a little more first. February 14th 2008 Im nine years old today. Im in Mr.Larsons fourth grade class. I enjoy creative writing, recess and lunch. although I didn't write much. I really love football and sports around this time. I decided to be a cowboys football fan when my dad said I could choose cause hes too nice to force me into being a Vikings fan. My parents especially my mom but definitely my dad aswell. Let us choose what we wanted. Which I disagree with now and will certainly not allow my childeren to decide what is right. Although Im sure I will at some point definitely not in elementary what the fuck?! Anyways. Decieded to be a cowboys fan cause my dad hates them and loves the Vikings. Which I now love today. Anyways. Im in the car with my whole immediate family driving. I ask where we're going or what we're doing. While heading west in the car my dad tells me we're going to Wisconsin and we're gonna stay the night at a hotel. The entire car ride their my dad is messing with me and im furious. Im certain today if I was in the passenger seat during the exchanges between my father and I I'd be laughing my ass off. But almost at the same time sad and angry of how ungrateful and disrespectful I probably was to my father. Idk maybe I just pouted, which I did alot lol.. anyways We finally arrive after probably an hour or so drive west, not infact in the direction of Wisconsin to a large farm in eastern Minnesota. 'There's nothing here' I thought to myself. It wasn't a desolate farm but damn near close. Large housing for live stock aswell as people. My father then reveals that im going to be getting my own dog for my birthday. I immediately light with excitement and smiles. Joy pulsing in my heart. Ive always wanted a dOG' i think to myself as I turn to my brother with excitement. I can only imagine how wide and big my smile and cheeks were to this day. Entering into the large barn with my family. Me, my brother, mother , and father all enter the barn to the amazement of dogs and insulation lol. From the outside it almost looks like a overly large stereotypical red barn, however the inside has another side to the story. Carpeted floors off to the left held the petting area with already free roaming dogs. while the right side of the room looked as if they did paper work and forms and whatnot. Going right wasn't even a thought in my head. LEFT. Headed for the dogs im stopped by my mom who is greeted by the worker/farmer. Im not even listening to her. I want a fucking dog. Moments go and my patience already thin is thinner. It takes alot for me to blow up even as a child. The problem was the things building up my 'meter of rage' as a child shouldn't have been. Anyway. Finally I head over to the dogs climbing the little fence even a little small for me already tall for my age. Immediately I spot an adorable smaller black dog. I kneel down to sit with it and attempt to hold it. Only to kneel right into a huge carpet puddle newly accompanied by its main ingredient dog piss. Nice. As i tell my mom she just laughs and tells me to be careful. Its what I did worst and least often. Unfortunately that was one of my biggest issues. After looking for awhile. I now realize my dad was probably ready to leave after 10-15 minutes definitely longer than that but Understandable nonetheless. After probably 35-45 minutes of trying to find a dog that didnt shed and was actually good looking. My mom had been carrying this one dog in paticular for a decent amount of time. Asleep in her arms as if a child beautifully sleeps my savior..... The car ride home Hank held the dog the entire time. Almost sinisterly which him being an older brother. acceptable, however frowned upon. Uncharacteristically careful I am as I hold my new dog. Smile from cheek to cheek and thats a long distance lol. Still carefully holding her i slowly bring her and a blanket along with hank to the basement. Where I lay out the fluffy green blanket and set Katy ever so gentely down. Standing next to my brother stareing almost in a daze like trance. We have a dog!' We were so happy. Hank and Lep happy? Together? very rare nowadays. I would certainly come to forget of such times even now almost a foriegn concept of us being so happy together. Now back to the OG storayyy............ Holding katy close weilding her support almost as a weapon to defend myself from such an awful thing. Its happening' I feel it' i just know' its happening' We are able to create our own reality because we (humans) designed a very primitive (in comparison to the universe) way to communicate how we feel. Speech. Speech is very important. Its our first amendment here in the US. say whatever u want. Pretty much. our speech is primitive because it doesn't describe things that we are uncertain of. We have to choose in our speech whether to Have no Idea Agree disagree yes no. Now of course there are exceptions to that. But not to normal people. Normal people can't understand this. If you are reading this right now and are lost for words but think you're 'awake' so to speak. just listen. This is a huge secret to life. Huge. It may change ur life over night. The best part about it is you get to decide. Ask yourself. Am I going to be open minded to what this man has to say? Ask yourself do I want whatever he says to be true in my life?... Just so I can touch as many people as possible and help the (working class which im apart of} hear me out. You may think im fucking crazy or that idk what life even is either and you're right I don't but all you have to do IS ACCEPT THAT WHATEVER IS/WILL/HAS EVER HAPPENED, Happened because you decided it was going to happen. Before you were even born. Before anybody way born. The best part about it. Is that it is unpredictable and it is fueled and directed DIRECTLY from our speech. Whatever you speak out loud for example say I said and I have. I want to fucking die. and I meant it. I really mean it. If you don't mean what you say then learn to do that before anything. Before u start this really take the time to realize ur worth not as a person but as you. Cause you created everything in your world. The best part you created it that way cause thats the way it turns out best for you. I hope atleast. Think about it. You get through everything. most things people kill themselves over. You're trying to make yourself strong for some reason possibly? or maybe catching myself up to everyone else cause I had such a nice and spoiled childhood? Past karma current karma. Thats what gets me. Theres no way a god created this world. But i could've created this world. Maybe im evil just like the world a little bit deep down. I am. Definitely a little evil. Its apart of my soul. Its apart of everyones soul in my world maybe not as much on some people and Ill never know why that is and I don't need to cause, I trust my judgement. It may be wrong sometimes but im still alive today for some reason that I decieded. thats the beauty of myself I truly never know what im gonna do each day specifically. Ill know if im gonna be tired or up for another 5 hours. Cause I will be and Ill feel it. Ill know when i need to fucking pee. But I never know what mindset is right or true for me. partially cause i have shitty short term memory and bad hearing and vision and a bad liver. im 19 lol. Anyway. Basically the secret is speak what you want and mean it everyday. You'll know if you dont want it as badly some days. you might even miss a day. All you're trying to do for yourself by doing this is getting yourself into a routine where you put those '(vibes) or Speech and words/ Communication. Communicate with your universe. Speak how you feel. Speak what you want. Speak how you're going to get it. Even if you're thinking theres no fucking way thatll happen. Theres no fucking way im ever going to pass through college. theres no fucking way id be able to get through law school. I can't be a chef I've hardly cooked. are my common misfires. Misfires however very common after the first few days to weeks will disapate if you PUSH ON! Just like you always have! This is what you were waiting to find. You created the world it is today for yourself today to see this and reconize for yourself today. That you're doing this wrong. Since starting my program I live with partial contentment as a human being. However I personally keep myself open to negative thoughts and wishes periodically to balance my life. However as for most of u assume this is rather stupid but selfless nonetheless. The reason I hold dark as I hold light is because this is what I decieded and this was meant to happen. The decision made by the creator of my universe which is me to write this to you and share what I have learned to help better your lifes for the benefit of them I do not know what I or they gain from this because it is beyond my comprehension aswell as yours. It could be for something of the lines of in 200 years cause I told you these secrets and my experiences and helped you better your life over time and you benefitted and you passed onto your childeren. that no your family lives on in the future 200 years from now. and they're good people. maybe not all. But if taught correctly and this isnt a cureall for everybody. But it significantly helps better improve overall mood and life tolerance in your life. It doesn't work immediately. It isn't gonna take it easy on you just cause you know now. In fact. If you are not open minded currently do not read because this idea sent and recieved and read and processed by a closed mind. Blocks the process from ever having the ability for your mind to hear and read properly as an openminded individual would.

[0n3-h4lv3]

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.