#i know ipads are expensive as hell. i know that. but my fucking god

[kiisaes]

don't u just hate it when u spent a lot of money on a good tablet only to wish u saved enough for an ipad instead so u could make digital art on the go. and so u can feel more comfortable when drawing and not hunched over ur chair like a shrimp. but u can't bc moving around ur clunky ass big ass tablet is the most inconvenient shit in the world. and all the wires required for it to function make portability entirely impossible. and u bang ur fist on the table like this specific yakuza gif

#i know ipads are expensive as hell. i know that. but my fucking god #every time i see a classmate drawing on their ipad in class i think ~wow ... that could have been me ~ #im still grateful for my tablet，it functions great and has a big screen #i just. h. yknow? yea. #becki rambles about stuff

[wonbabyho]

Bad Day, Good Day — Minhyuk (Part 2)

read the part 1 here before if you haven't

wc : ~2k

The doorbell rang a few times already. However, the two guys were still arguing in one of the bedrooms about who was going to open the door. Jooheon tried to wake Minhyuk up when he could just open the door by himself. "Bro, wake up. I'm scared" he said to Minhyuk. Minhyuk groaned and rubbed his face then looked at the small alarm clock beside his bed. "It's fucking 11 in the morning. Why are you scared?". "Someone is in front of the door" Jooheon answered. Minhyuk patted his forehead. Why he must have a housemate like this? Without wasted a time, he stood up and went towards the door. "Wait!" He said as the doorbell rang again and opened the door while rubbing his left eye. His eyes widened when he saw someone he knew very well. "Y/n? What brings you here?"

"I want to talk to you" you said as showed him your nervous facial expression. "Why you didn't call me first? We can set up a plan and go out somewhere else" he asked and gave you a stare seems like wanted to tell you something. You cursed at yourself and opened your mouth as you realized something. "Ah, Jooheon is here right?". He nodded. "I'm sorry. You can get ready first. I'll wait at the nearby cafe we usually go" you added, giving a light smile and he just nodded again before you left him.

--

Both of you had the drinks already but still did not said anything yet. Before the situation getting more awkward, Minhyuk decided to start the conversation between both of you. "So.. what do you want to talk about?". "I just want to thank you for last night." . "And I'm sorry" you continued before he was about to answer your thank. Minhyuk looked confused at you. "Sorry for?" . "Sorry for make you come to my apartment at fucking 12 am" . "And seeing you drunk like that?" he added before laughed at you a bit. You were overwhelmed with embarrassment at that time and hit his arm, looked down, closed your eyes.

"Yah, it's okay. You don't have to be shy. Come on, it's just me" Minhyuk laughed at you again. "Stop laughing, Minhyuk. Everyone is staring" you told him to shut up but he didn't listen. You sigh. But suddenly, he stopped laughing and gazed at you when you were sipping your drink.

"Why? You get jealous when people staring at me?" his sudden question with a flirty tone made you almost choked on your drink. "Well, don't be surprised. You said you like me last night" Minhyuk said as he gave you a don't-you-remember face. You just kept yourself silent and avoided looking at his eyes. "Hey, I'm just joking" he was trying to get your attention back and said "I'm sorry" when he saw you looked very uncomfortable. 

"Shut up, Minhyuk. You know I was fucking drunk last night and this morning feels like hell when I woke up with a heavy head and found out that my phone is broken" . You sigh after let it out to Minhyuk then covered your face with both of your hands. Minhyuk nodded himself, realizing why you didn't contact him by phone.

He grabbed both of your hands, stopped you from covering your face. "Let's go". You looked at him and asked, "Let's go to?". "To save your day from feeling like hell" . He smiled and you both stand up, went out of the cafe and he drove you to somewhere else.

--

"Are you kidding me, Minhyuk?" you asked as you stepped in. Minhyuk shook his head and smiled at you. You widened your eyes, looking at him as you still didn't believe it. "Go ahead" he said, directing his hand towards some new phones on the table at the store. "Seriously?" you asked him again. He just nodded. 

"It's okay. No need. I'll buy the new one next time. Let's go" . You said as you grabbed his right wrist, wanted to drag him and yourself out from the store. He stopped you by holding both of your shoulders. "No, It's okay. It's all on me" He dragged you back and walked towards the person who worked there.

"Yes sir, may I help?" a tall pale-skinned man asked Minhyuk. Minhyuk pushed you forward, closer to the person, and said "She wanted to find something". You slapped Minhyuk's arm and answered "Um, anything latest?". "This way" the man asked you to follow him to the other side of the store. "Wait for it. I'm gonna get the expensive one" you whisper to Minhyuk then sticked your tongue out at him. 

"Go on. I'm not doing this for you if I got no money, stupid" . "Don't call me stupid!" You hit his arm again and increased your speed, stepped closer to the man. Minhyuk just watched your action from your back and grinned.

After done buying a phone, you two decided to call it a day at first but when Minhyuk was driving you home, both of you had a slight conversation and, "I'll join then" he said as he looked at you and gave you a bright smile . "NO" you disagree with his decision. "Why? I guess it'll be bored if you do it all alone. Am I right or am I right?" he raised his left eyebrow. You shook your head. "You're right but if it is you, I prefer being bored" . 

"Y/n, come on" . "What? Do you think it'll be easier if you're joining?". Baking a cake with Minhyuk? You can't imagine how problematic it's gonna be. (dude, did you remember he spilled water on an iPad? i'll never forget that).

"Pleaseeee" he begged while his eyes were looking for a space for the car to park. You don't answer him until he finished parked the car. "Unlocked the door". "No, until you say that I can join you baking the cake" he raised both of his eyebrows while his left hand was holding the handbrake and the right one was still on the steering. You rolled your eyes and sighed. "Fine, you can join me". "Yeayyy" he shouted happily then unlocked the door for you.

--

“Okay so.. we have to put 600 grams of cream cheese, 1 cup of sugar and 3 tablespoons of flour” you mumbled while reading the recipe, checked on the ingredients after you pre-heated the oven. “What cheesecake you’ll be making?” a voice started to disturb you. “Blueberry” . “But y/n, I only see strawberries here”. You raised your face, looked at him and snapped your fingers. “Exactly, Minhyuk. You’re brilliant”. “I know” He smiled. 

“Alright we have to mix these things but we have to bake the crust first”. When you were about to take the pan, Minhyuk got to hold it first and, “I’ll do it”. He said while he was holding a spoon in the other hand. You nodded, agreed to leave it on him. “Make sure to press it well” you said, with a finger pointed at him. 

While you were doing your thing, the mixer stopped itself out of a sudden. You lifted it up till it was right in front of your eyes and looked at it confused. You patted Minhyuk’s shoulder beside you and pointed your finger at the plug. “Is it still on?” . He glanced at it for a second, looked back at you, and nodded his head. You stared at the mixer and hit it a few times. 

“Oh fuck” you swore, startled as the mixer was working back to normal. But, you turned the power button of quickly when you found out a few drops of the batter were stuck to Minhyuk’s face with his eyes closed.

You straightly grabbed a piece of tissue and stood at the tip of your toe. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry” you said as you wiped the thing off from his face. He was just staying there quietly when his nervousness started to overwhelm his entire body because your face was so closed to his. You didn’t notice that your left hand was suddenly in the back of his neck as you were focusing only to clean his face. 

He clasped your right hand, stopped you as he opened his eyes and licked his bottom lip, swallow a drop of the batter that stuck to it. You were shocked by his sudden actions and looked into his eyes as he gave you a deep gaze and started to step forward, brought him closer to you. You gulped and stepped backward. It continued until he suddenly put his right hand at the back of your head to avoid the wall from bumped onto your head and locked you there, between the wall and him. You gulped again.

You widened your eyes and felt like your heart was about to explode when Minhyuk’s lips finally pressed into yours. He kissed you very gently. You closed your eyes and hand grabbed on his arm when you started to fall for it as he tilted his head, deepened the kiss. However, when you were about to hug his neck, kissed him back, the little ‘ting!’ sound suddenly appeared, reminded us that the crust was already baked for 8 minutes. It made Minhyuk came back to reality and opened his eyes, pulled his lips away from you, and took a few steps back. 

He breathed heavily and looked very nervous, not believed in what he just did. 

He groaned, rubbed his face and flipped his hair back. “I-I’m sorry. I did- didn’t m-mean to-”. “Minhyuk..” You cut him and wanted to make he calmed himself as his voice was trembling. “I think.. I like you” you continued. “W-what?” he stuttered. “I like you” you repeated and looked down to your feet as embarrassment ran through your body. 

“I know I was drunk at that time but.. I think I do” you tried to give him an explanation as he gave you no response before. “Why don’t you tell me earlier?”. “I’m scared” . “Because?” 

“Because you’re my bestfriend. And, I’m scared that I’ll hurt you” you raised your face, looked into his eyes. “Why would you that?" he asked you confusedly. “I just broke up and I’m scared if this feeling has just come because you’re always there for me anytime I need someone” you sighed as your heart was beating fast. “So you feel like you’re gonna end up using me to heal your pain and you don’t like me actually?”. You nodded when you realized that he got your point. 

“And everytime I asked myself If I ever like you or not, I feel stupid” you added. “You do?”. You nodded at him again. “Well, I do too. All the time” Minhyuk added. “What?”. “I like you too" . You stood stunned there, surprised by his confession. “Yeah, it wasn’t a lie too. Don’t be too surprised.” he said before chuckled at your reaction.

"S-since when?” This time, you stuttered as he did before. “Long time ago, stupid. Even before you met that fucking asshole” he answered. You gave him a hard slap on his arm. “Stop swearing, Minhyuk”. He hissed and let out a slight laugh. 

“Okay, okay let’s continue what we were doing” he said and held your wrist. “W-what?” you asked, a little bit nervous. He looked at you confused. “What do you mean by ‘what’? The cake, of course”

You let a relieved sigh. “Ah! Y-yeah.. The cake. Yeah y-you’re right” and gently tapped your temple. Minhyuk was still locked his eyes on you, figuring out what you meant. “Don’t look at me like that” you said. 

He tilted his head, “Y/n, were you thinking about....” , “NO! Haha I mean, nope. Let’s- Let’s bake the cake since the crust is ready” you cut him and got your wrist off from his grasp, headed to the kitchen back. 

He laughed at your reaction and called your name a few times but you just continued walking. “Yah! I mean, we can continue that after the cake finished!” He followed your step while still chuckling. 

#minhyuk #minhyuk monsta x #minhyuk fluff #monsta x fluff #imagine #kpop imagines #monsta x imagines #lee minhyuk monsta x #monsta x imagine #minhyuk imagine #lee minhyuk #kpop fluff #kpop imagine #monsta x

[angelcatsiel]

good morning everyone I’m here to vent bc I’m pissed off but no one needs to read it I just wanna complain (oh god this is a long rant lmao)

My boyfriend's ex is absolutely driving me insane. She rings him all hours of the fucking day. Last Saturday (might have been Sunday) she rang him five fucking times before 12, and his daughter also rang him twice too in that time. Most evenings we watch an episode of a tv show and we are constantly getting interrupted, the other day she rang 3 times during one supernatural episode, she rang 4 times while we were trying to watch the fatws finale. And it’s never major stuff, it’s almost always something minor or something that could very easily be texted to him for him to text back whenever he gets the chance. She also constantly rings him during work. It’s normally about their daughter and it’s normally just along the lines of ‘she got stressed today about this and she was sad about this’ but it’s usually all small things. He just can’t get a break.

This week she’s been harassing him over some stuff he had to buy for her (nothing important or urgent) and he offered to post these things down to her on Monday so they’d be with her by today when she needed them but she told him she wanted him to actually come down Monday in person to discuss stuff with their daughter. It’s an hour’s drive there, an hour back, probably longer with traffic around that time. She expects him to drive down there at 6pm after he’s finished a full day at work (9 until 6), not get home until AT LEAST 8pm but probably closer to 9, he has a medical condition that causes him to be chronically tired, and where do we even fit in food in that time? He said no, so she said ‘oh ok, don’t worry about it then, don’t worry about posting them, I’ll figure it out it’s fine’

but now it’s Friday and she wants us to drop them down today, and he said to me yesterday when she told him this that he was absolutely not getting roped in to talking for half an hour, we’re going down and straight back because he’s absolutely exhausted after a stressful work week. This morning he got a phone call at 8am (a fucking hour before he has to get up, he’s working from home) from his daughter saying ‘you know how you love me and would do anything for me EVEN if you were really tired? well can you take me to get ice cream when you come down?’ so he’s now agreed to do that because he can say no to his ex but he can’t say no to his daughter. She’s even coming up to stay with us next weekend, and we spent a lot of last weekend with her, in fact we’ve seen her loads recently so it’s not like she hasn’t seen him. His daughter then spent a good 45 minutes on the phone to him, though she doesn’t talk much, she just gets on with whatever she was doing before she phoned and occasionally tels him about it while he sits and listens

I don’t blame his daughter at all, she’s just a kid, but his ex should fucking step in and say something like ‘no, you shouldn’t wake your dad an hour before his shift starts just to ask for ice cream, why don’t you text and ask him later instead?’ or preferably ‘your dad is probably going to be too tired to do that after his shift, but you’re seeing him next weekend so you can do it then’

and I fucking hate the slightly manipulative language his daughter often uses because I know she’s picked it up from her mum. I know she used to be very manipulative in the past and I think she’s a good person at heart but she’s done some crappy things and treated him horribly in the past. There’s been times in the past where his ex has phoned and asked my boyfriend to do something (usually drive down after work to discuss something or other) and he’s said no, and then ten minutes later he gets a call from his daughter saying ‘daddy I’m sad today, can you please come down and see me? I miss you so much’ and these phone calls almost always happen after he’s said no to his ex about coming down. It’s manipulative bullshit and yeah I’m not pissed at his daughter because she’s like 10 and she’s just learning all this stuff from her mum

and he HAS agreed to go down in the past before plenty of times despite the long drive if it’s urgent, even if it’s fairly minor, if he thinks his daughter needs him then he’s there, every time. It just pisses me off so much. He’s not appreciated at all, he’s constantly running errands for his ex, constantly picking things up for her from shops and driving all the way there to bring her stuff, neither of us are sure why her husband never seems to do these things since he drives and only works part time.

Sorry for the long rant I’m sure no one’s read this far but it helped to get out. His daughter is starting to show little signs of being manipulative and she’s also being extremely rude at the moment to people and even bullying other kids at school a bit but tbh I am not surprised. This Christmas she got an iphone (latest one), a VR headset, a laptop, an ipad, an expensive professional digital camera, and something else I’m forgetting along with a lot of toys and expensive designer clothes. She also got a keyboard a few days after Christmas for expressing very brief interest in playing the piano (she’s barely touched it since, same with the VR headset, laptop and camera) and then got a mini fridge next month from her mum AFTER she’s already agreed with my boyfriend that she had to save up and buy the mini fridge with her pocket money. This kid is spoiled as hell. My boyfriend doesn’t like or agree with it but there’s not really much he can do.

#personal

[laughing-with-god]

Hi!!! I've just started following you (yandere is my guilty pleasure, so thank god I found your blog) so I don't really know if you take requests or not (I think not), but would you consider, anytime in the future, doing a yandere fanboys but with exo? I loved the BTS one and I'm curious to see how an exo one would turn out ❤️❤️❤️

BITCH I WAS AN EXO-L BEFORE ANYTHING. (Tbh I consider myself more of one than an army but that’s controversial so👀🤫)

Suho- Supportive stan. Buys anything and everything concerning you and your group. The type of guy to buy multiple copies of the same merch or album bc he just wants to support his baby. Has went to multiple fanmeets and concerts, you have seen him many times. Isn’t a big fan of social media but just got an account to follow you. His friends know that whenever they hang out with him, they’re gonna have to catch an earful about the latest thing you did. Tries imitating little catch phrases or stunts you’ve done on variety shows or V-live. Doesn’t participate in fan wars bc he’s classy but if someone said anything negative about you, he would def just make an disgusted face and leave their presence. KING of sending gifts, has handed you a few small ones during fanmeets.

Lay- Very sheepish about his love for you. Buys all the merch and music but doesn’t let people know how big of a fan he is. Practices your choreo and songs, even has his own manlier versions for your performances. You’re the inspiration for any love songs he writes/composes from that point on. He tries to act like how he thinks you would want in a man. If he thinks you like the gentle type, then he’ll practice acting more coy and content. If he thinks you like a manly man, he’ll hit the gym and act more bold. You’re his ideal type of woman. for the few times he did try to date after discovering you, he couldn’t stand women who didn’t resemble you in any way. His wardrobe will change to alter himself into your style. He doesn’t really notice it, the progression happens naturally/subconsciously. His dream is to one day perform with you.

Chen- Everyone within a five mile radius will now how obsessed this guy is with you. Hums your songs everyday while doing mundane chores. Excitedly squeals whenever you update any social media, not caring where the fuck he is. Regularly posts covers of your songs. You’re his phone background, iPad, Apple Watch, laptop EVERYTHING. Dances excitedly whenever he hears your music. Denies being a solo stan, but like he ain’t fooling anything bc he mainly only belts out YOUR lyrics and only half-assedly hums along to the other members’ lines. Not above getting nasty if someone attacks your reputation. Very protective as well, HATES dating rumors with a passion. Really wants to collaborate with you.

Chanyeol- Thinks he is being slick about his love for you but tbh he is not. Religiously streams your music, wears merch and will refuse to leave the house if you were gonna make an appearance on tv bc HE CANNOT MISS IT DAMMIT. Covers your songs, all acoustic. Comments on all your social media pics about how gorgeous you are. The type of guy to need at least a day of no one talking to him after you made a comeback bc he is just so flabbergasted. You will be his background and everything for any electronic he owns. The type to get livid if you looked like you were getting thinner or worn out by schedules. He doesn’t hate girl groups but he doesn’t like them either bc they are your competition. (Still hasn’t forgiven Twice for stealing that award from you). Boy groups annoy him though, will def be naive enough to believe all dating scandals concerning you. He now hates all of Bts, Wanna One, Got7 and half of NCT bc why were they looking at you with heart eyes at that award show?!

Baekhyun- Could shout his devotion to you from the mountain tops. Sings your songs more than his own. Bold asl, def the type to slip up while on Tv and admit he fucking adores you. (Suho will have his ass on a platter for that but like 🤷🏻‍♀️). Headass enough to copy your outfits, tells himself that he’s just completing the other half of the ‘couple aesthetic’. Would drop anything and everything to watch your insta live or check your lastest social media post. Chanyeol bought him a backstage ticket for one of your shows and baekhyun almost promised to give Yeol his first born he was so touched. Thinks he is being subliminal by adding little hints for his love for you on his insta captions but everyone knows what’s up. Sends letters and gifts your way, squeals so loud if you respond in any way. Already has your future kids names picked out. He tired to figure out what type of perfume you wore so he could spray it on his clothes to feel closer to you. Would die before he admits it to anyone.

D.O- Silent stan. His obsession with you is so well hidden. None of the members would even know about it until someone says something slightly offputting about you and Kyungsoo puts them in their place. Adoringly calls you his ‘wifey’ in his mind. Watches variety shows, movies or interviews over and over again. Almost every night. You know those ASMR videos with idols? He listens to yours to fall asleep. Your voice is just so soothing to him. Practices making your favorite meals. Trains himself to remember information about you. He hates thinking that there could be another fan out there who knows more about you then he does. Fav food, pet peeves, height, weight, blood type, school name, birthday ect. HE KNOWS IT ALL. sings your songs to himself often but doesn’t dare post covers. He personally finds covers to be really offensive. The only person who should be singing your songs is you. No other voice could top your delightful tone. Reads tips on how to be a good husband in preparation for you.

Xiumin- uwu stan. Tries to recreate your pictures for his own social media. Quiet but supportive of you, won’t openly blast your music when others are near but when he’s by himself? Hell yeah, sign him tf up. Wants to be your ideal man, starts dressing differently for you. Covers your songs and likes singing along with you on the radio bc he adores the sound of your voices together. Gets hella hurt with dating rumors, don’t mention it around him bc he’ll just get really silent and gloomy. Lowkey he can be pretty petty with other boys who lingered too long at you at events or award shows. Collects polloroid pictures of you, goes over them every night. Has dipped into fanfic about you once or twice bc it just fills this hole inside him. An insufferable urge to be with you. Gets a new cat and names it after you. (Unless ofc you hate cats and prefer dogs bc Xiumin would abandon his love of cats for you)

Kai- He wasn’t sure how it started....okay that’s a lie. Jongin first just thought you were a really fashionable and chic idol. He kept an eye out for you just bc you were very different, but then it grew into an infatuation. He stopped watching you simply for fashion reasons and started watching you bc he was just so enchanted by you. You could advertise a product and he’d the type to go buy it just bc it’s you advertising it. It could literally be something so stupid, like a dish sponge but Jongin would still quietly go out and buy 15 bc like your face is on it....he hates dating rumors concerning him. Like when fans pair him up with Jennie or Krystal, he gets pressed bc like obvi it’s YOU he should be with not them. Very terrified of the idea you could come across his dating rumors and think he’s not loyal to you.

Sehun- Proud, certified Y/n trash. Would wear your merch everyday if he could. His most played songs are all from you. If you ever were on a movie, drama or tv show then they would immediately be his favorite, binge watches it multiple times. Changes his style to fit your aesthetic. Would burn his entire wardrobe if it didn’t suit your tastes. Watches your social media very closely. It’s pretty obvious to other people that he likes you bc you’re literally the only person he follows on insta. Copies your posts for his own account. (I.e; the Miranda Kerr incident👀) He monitors what other people say about you, once got into a heated debate with a nitizen in an effort to defend your honor. Wants to start his own fan café for you. Can and will send expensive gifts your way. The type of guy to look up your guys’ astrological signs and read the compatibility reports. Helps him feel closer to you. If you ever came on screen while his dog was nearby, he point and say “Look vivi, it’s mommy!”

#exo #exo reactions #yandere exo #kpop #chanyeol #sehun #baekhyun #yandere #yixing #lay #kai #jongin #suho #xiumin #jongdae #chen

[basshouse]

Are you there, god? It’s me Ashley.

A few days ago I found myself praying.   Like “please god, please please please...”   and I am embarrassed  -- but not quite embarrassed enough not to share with you, my real friends who I assume won’t judge me too harshly -- to say that that end of that sentence ends with “...please let my vodka still be there.”  

I’m embarrassed because I don't really believe in praying in any traditional way. And yet, there I was, doing something so cliche and typical, right down to the nervous murmuring under my breath, that a rosary would not have looked out of place in my hands. 

I probably should be embarrassed that I love vodka enough that I slid right into an uncontrolled and completely reflexive activity that should be reserved for true moments of fear and desperation. But I’m not, very. And in case it makes you feel better about me, you should know that it was a 26 -- yes 26!!! -- dollar bottle of duty free vodka, and there were also Aveda cosmetics in the bag, which I had to buy two bottles of to replace the one they took away from me in the security line.  So, if the picture you have in your head is a total cliche  of a 45 year old woman running though an airport in heeled espadrilles, with a Mac and an iPhone and an iPad all on low battery and an overpacked carry-on suitcase that barely passed the weight limit in the first place and is now swollen with duty free products and a new pair of sweatpants, sweating and praying nervously as she tries to keep her suitcase with one wonky wheel going in a straight line in her mad dash back to the Billabong duty free store where she just bought a striped sweatshirt that was made for much younger women but was so compelling that she actually put down her bottle of vodka to try it on...well, if that’s the picture you have in your head, it’s the right damn one and exactly what I was doing last Wednesday on my way back from Sydney.  And you know what?  The vodka was there!  Praise be.  

Really, I am embarrassed...well, maybe sheepish is the better word, considering I am over the way we are conditioned to feel ashamed for who we are and what pops into our heads naturally when we are faced with even the most benign kinds of adversity   ... I am sheepish because in light of things that have happened recently in the place that I live, and in fact the whole world that we inhabit, there are much more important things to ask god to do.  So many more important things for god to spend time on.  So while praying is not my thing (except apparently in moment of privileged and absurd adversity), I do want to set the record straight with you readers and the entire internet as my witness: God, in whatever form you take, I will give up every bottle of duty free vodka (and even really expensive ones) if you will remove the hatred and aggression that causes innocent people such pain, and I hope to god (you) that you weren't listening to me when I asked for my vodka back because if the world has an infinite number of prayers to be answered and energy to be disbursed in positive ways, they need to be spent on so much more important things.  

So that's what I was doing last Wednesday night as I tried to head home after a 4 days in Sydney with my mother, after 6 weeks of visitors, after a terrible act of violence that ripped through the heart of our city.  So maybe it’s clear why I really needed that vodka, eh? And for the record or in case you are wondering if there’s such thing as karma, I recovered the vodka but my plane had problems and the hook and eye on my dress broke so I had pretty much the exact same wardrobe malfunction as Janet Jackson when I was trying to get my puffy suitcase out of the overhead compartment when they made us get off the plane to go get on another one WHICH HAD NO BAR SERVICE.  What. The. Fuck.  

Well anyway!  You're probably wondering how was Sydney?  How was my time with Lois?   It was great.  Even though we did literally get locked into our Air BnB apartment when the knob fell off the door.  

You can see some highlights and shenanigans in this movie I made with my extra time in the airport.  Turns out I am quite productive when sober :-)   Aw hell, I am quite productive when I’m drinking, too.  But more when sober.  

[5hfanfiction]

Trainwreck (Chapter 4)

Trigger Warning: Violence, drug abuse

…

Camila is currently on her private jet, boredly flipping through a fashion magazine as she devours the mouth watering hamburger in front of her, made personally by her celebrity chef on board. She has on her favorite pair of Beats Headphones, which costs a fortune by the way, an oversized thrasher hoodie, ridiculously expensive white Gucci sneakers covered in diamonds, and a pair of jeans so tight that the young pop star can literally feel her balls suffocating.

Camila shifts awkwardly in her seat, subtly adjusting herself, and sighs. This day can’t possibly get any worse. First, she woke up with an excruciating hang over due to the large amount of alcohol she consumed the night before in a failed attempt to get rid of the stress of returning back to her hometown. Then, her psychotic ‘girlfriend’ came over, unannounced might she add, and gave her a long ass, completely unnecessary lecture instead of keeping her mouth shut and fucking her like she usually does.

Although it may not seem too obvious at times, Camila does care for Ariana—a little. She’s not completely heartless, at least that’s what she tells herself. What’s not to like? Ariana is beautiful, generous, and talented. And, the fact that she's amazing in bed is another plus.

But the fact of the mater is that Camila wants a girlfriend, not a second mother. She can’t handle the nagging and the constant arguing because even though she’s a year younger than the Italian singer, she absolutely hates being treated like a child.

People in her life are always controlling her. They tell her when to wake up, when to eat, when to leave her house, when to go to sleep, and the list goes on. She has enough on her plate as it is as one of the biggest celebrities in the world. And the truth is, Camila misses just being a normal kid more than anything. She misses the times when she could walk around without the fear of being recognized and trampled by fans. She misses the days when she couldn’t be forced in a relationship she doesn’t want to be in and could actually be happy with the girl she loves. But most of all, she misses the days when she could just sleep in, not having to worry about pleasing her fans, the label executives, and ugh, her mother.

Just the thought of her overbearing mother causes Camila to roll her eyes in annoyance. Why the hell is she always ten inches up my ass?!? she thinks to herself. Camila knows that her mother loves her and genuinely thinks that she does what she thinks is best, but after a certain point, the love can quickly become overwhelming.

Camila’s thoughts are interrupted when she notices her mother set the iPad that is literally always glued to her hands down on her seat. She gulps, suddenly feeling nervous, when she sees the older woman beginning to stand up.

Oh fuck, she’s coming, Camila says in her head dreadfully. Maybe if I look back down at the magazine, she’ll decide to ignore—

“Karla! Karla, can you hear me?”

Camila rolls her eyes at sound of her mother calling her by her first name. She knows that she prefers to go by Camila, but yet, every goddamn time that her mother calls her, which is annoyingly often, she always seems to forget.

“For God sakes, Mother! I can fucking hear you. I don’t even have any music playing.”

Sinu huffs, offended by the way her daughter has just spoken to her. If they weren’t currently surrounded by staff, she would take of her chancla and teach her spoiled brat a lesson.

“I would appreciate if you didn’t use that tone with me,” she snaps, pushing her glasses up her nose and smoothing down her skirt. When Sinu takes a moment to look her daughter up and down, she scrunches up her nose. From her unruly hair and the grease dripping down her chin, thanks to her delicious looking hamburger, to her outfit, her daughter looks far from the biggest pop star in the world. “And must you dress like such a hoodlum? Karla, you know how I feel about your uh… masculine tastes.”

“This 'hoodlum’ outfit costs more than your annual salary before I so kindly hired you as my manager. Don’t forget that,” Camila snaps. How long was this airplane ride anyway? If she’s forced to spend another moment with her mother, she’ll literally rip her hair out.

Sinu decides to ignore Camila’s rude comment for the sake of the staff that look like they are about to gauge their own eyes out from their incessant arguing. Instead, she grabs a couple of napkins from the small table in front of her and gently wipes the grease off of Camila’s face. When the younger girl whines and tries to pull away, Sinu grabs her by the chin and says, “Can you stay still for one second?”

Camila crosses her arms over her chest, accepting defeat. She reluctantly stays still as her mother tries tidying up her hair, but at this point, it’s a lost cause. She has Ariana to blame for that.

“How long until we land?” the younger Latina asks impatiently.

Sinu pushes up the sleeve of her expensive blazer to check the time on her clearly outdated watch. “We should be there in about fifteen minutes.”

“Thank God. I need to get off this fucking plane,” she responds dramatically, throwing her head back against the small window behind her. Camila winces and rubs the back of her head, realizing that she probably should’ve taken the hard glass behind her into account.

Perfect. Now I can add that to the list of terrible things that have happened to me today.

“Don’t worry, Karla. You’ll be home with you father soon. Meanwhile, I have to worry about flying back to L.A,” she says disdainfully. “I’m going to be stuck on this plane all day.”

Camila gasps and feels her heart stop at her mother’s words. Her palms suddenly feel sweaty and she starts finding it hard to breathe.

No. This can't be.

“Wait,” she says tentatively. “You’re not staying in Miami with me? You’re expecting me to stay with Dad by myself?”

Sinu is genuinely shocked at Camila’s reaction. This entire time, she had thought that her daughter would be relieved that she was staying across the country.

“Yes, Karla. This was the plan all along, wasn’t it?”

Suddenly, Camila feels her blood run cold. Is her mother fucking insane?!? Does she suddenly have extreme memory loss?!?

“Then why did you come on the plane in the first place?”

“Because I know how nervous you are about going to Miami. I wanted to support you.”

Camila ignores her mother’s statement, sweet as it is.

“You can't leave me alone with him, Mom.”

“Why not?”

“You know why!” she responds tearfully. “Please, I am begging you, do not leave me alone with that man!”

“That man is your father, Karla. And you will treat him as such.”

“Mami—”

“End of discussion! When you get off this plane, your spoiled ass is going straight to your father’s house!” Sinu exclaims. Her eyes are bugging out of her head at this point and her face is beet red. She takes a few moments to calm herself down before she continues with, “What is wrong with you? Why don’t you want to see him? You haven’t seen him or your sister in months.”

Camila quickly wipes at her tears and distances herself from her mother as much as she can on the small couch they are sitting on. She can’t believe her mother is actually leaving her in Miami to fend for herself. Who will protect her? Who will be there for her when she gets out of control?

“You know what? Forget it,” she responds while shaking her head. “Just get me off this stupid plane before I go fucking ballistic.”

Sinu senses that Camila still has something to say, but she decides to drop it. After the stunt her daughter pulled, the older woman knows that she can’t risk coming off as soft. She needs to stand her ground and play the role of a responsible parent that can properly discipline her kids.

It’s a few more minutes before the plane lands safety at the Miami International Airport. Camila doesn’t wait a single moment before grabbing all of her luggage, not even saying goodbye to her mother, and hopping off the plane.

Thankfully, her trusted bodyguards, Big Rob and Dwayne, are at her side. Because as soon as she makes her way to the passage that was supposed to be kept secret that leads to her black van meant to take her to her father’s house, she is suddenly surrounded by screaming fans.

And no, she’s not just surrounded by a a few dozen of them. As she struggles to make her way through the airport, hundreds of horny teenage girls and boys crowd around her, yelling her name, taking pictures, and begging for her autograph.

“Camila, I love you!”

“Camila, you’re so hot!”

“Camila, follow me on twitter!”

Although the constant praise she receives whenever she’s in public used to make Camila smile, the young pop star feels that she can no longer stand the sound of people demanding things from her. She should feel grateful for all the love the people currently blocking her van are giving her, but right now, the only true thing they’re giving her is a massive migraine.

But, the people Camila Cabello truly hates are the paparazzi. Ugh, fucking assholes.

“Hey Camila! How many whores are you gonna fuck in Miami? Is is true you’re cheating on Ariana Grande?” one of the paparazzo shout.

“Camila! How could you be dumb enough to participate in illegal street-racing? Did your father not raise you right?”

Camila grits her teeth at that last comment, resisting the urge to grab the dickhead’s camera and smash it to the ground. She’s done that in the past and she really doesn’t need to add another lawsuit to her belt, especially after the whole street-racing incident.

Overwhelmed by the feeling of bright lights flashing in her eyes, Camila reaches into the small backpack resting on her shoulders for her darkest pair of sunglasses. Ah much better, shethinks to herself as she puts them on.

After a long struggle and the help of her bodyguards, Camila is finally able to make it safely inside the van. However, before she is able to pull up her tinted window and leave the crowded airport, a letter from a fan manages to find its way inside. Without even bothering to look at it, Camila rolls her eyes and immediately tosses it out of the vehicle. She hears a few gasps from the fans, but she ignores them and immediately orders her chauffeur to get them the hell out of there.

…

“Do you need us to wait out here for you?”

“No, Dwayne. You can tell the guy driving my car to leave it here and get in the van with you guys,” Camila responds. “Besides, I’m staying with my Dad my entire time here. You can all go home.”

“Thank you, Ms. Cabello,” Dwayne and Big Rob answer simultaneously.

Camila gives them a quick nod before hopping out of the car, all of her luggage in tow. The pop star frowns as she watches the van drive off, realizing that this is it. She's really back in Miami and she's really staying with her father.

God help me.

Camila is filled with a sense of dread as as she makes her way to the porch of the house she grew up in. The house is quite small, only two stories high, and is probably the most ordinary home in Miami. The grass is green, perfectly clipped, and littered with various fruits and vegetables, planted by her father.

Camila smiles as she takes a peek of what she can see in the backyard where she spent so much time as a child. In it resides a big slide, a swing set and a barely noticeable sandbox, where she notices that the feet of a few Barbie dolls are sticking out of the sand. The young pop star chuckles. Typical Sofi.

When Camila makes her way back to the front of the house, a grimace immediately takes over her entire face. On one of the windows is a big sign reading: BLUE LIVES MATTER. It’s so typical of her father, him being a cop and a staunch republican. Ew.

A few seconds later, Camila is finally standing in front of the door of her childhood home. For the second time that day, her palms are sweaty, her mouthy is dry, and she can’t stop shaking.

Get a hold of yourself, you pussy, and open that door! she says to herself.

Ok. She’s gonna do it. She’s really gonna knock on the door. Camila takes a few deep breaths and finally:

*Knock Knock*

Ok one step down, one to go. All she needs to do now is wait for—

Camila is startled by the sound of her father roughly opening the front door. She immediately takes a few steps back to avoid another head injury.

It’s then that Alejandro Cabello emerges from the house, beer in hand and a permanent scowl etched on his face. It’s clear that he’s only just come home from work as he’s still in his uniform and has yet to take of his pants to lounge in front of the television in his boxers like he usually does. Camila gulps, intimidated by her father’s harsh stare. Damn if looks could kill…

“H-hi Dad,” she finally finds the courage to say. Her father clearly wasn’t going to be the one to start the conversation, so she figured, why not?

“What are you doing here,” Alejandro answers gruffly. If he’s tying to hide the fact that he doesn’t want to see his daughter, he’s definitely not doing a good job at at.

Camila clears her throat nervously, uncomfortable under his gaze. She hasn’t seen him in months and this is how he welcomes her?

“Um… you didn’t hear? Mom’s forcing me to stay here with you guys for a couple of months. I’m going back to high—”

“Staying here? Like hell you are,” Alejandro huffs, folding his arms across his chest causing a bit of his beer to spill over.

“What do you mean 'like hell you are?’ Where am I supposed to go?”

When her father doesn’t answer her, continuing to stare her down, Camila asks, “Look, can I come inside? I’m burning up out here.” Even at night, the Miami heat is unbearable. The young pop star feels like she’s on the verge of passing out.

Surprisingly, her father moves aside and allows his daughter to enter the home. The house looks the exact same way it did before Camila left for her world tour. While most people would find comfort in that, the young Latina doesn’t. It just shows her that absolutely nothing has changed, and that scares the crap out of her.

The kitchen is relatively clean, except for the few beer bottles that litter the counter. A quick glance at the stove tells Camila that her dad is boiling some pasta, the only food he knows how to cook. Well, that explains all of the empty takeout boxes practically spilling out of the garbage can.

Camila walks to the fridge and smiles as she observes all of the pictures stuck to it with little magnets. She sees a picture she’s never seen of Sofi in what she assumes is her first day of school and a cute old photo of her parents. However, her smile disappears when she realizes that all of the photos with her in them are gone.

She’s either been cut out of the pictures with the use of a scissor, made obvious by the jagged edges on many of the photos, or had pictures of her taken off the fridge altogether.

Camila sniffles as tears begin to sting her eyes. Coming here was a mistake; she can feel it in her bones.

Camila is startled by the sound of her father’s booming voice once again. She had not expected him to be so close.

“I don’t care where you go as long as it’s as far away from here as possible. Why don’t you go to that penthouse you wasted so much of your money on?”

Alejandro’s words sting a lot more than they should. It seems like whatever Camila does, she’s never good enough for her father.

“B-but I bought that house for you and Sofi. We were all supposed to move in months ago—

"We don't need your money,” he interrupts. “And we certainly don’t need you.”

“Dad…”

Although expected, the harsh words that stumble out of Alejandro’s mouth next rock Camila to her core.

“I need you to leave this place and never come back.”

“What? Why?”

“You go months without visiting your family and expect a warm welcome?” he responds menacingly. “Well you are not going to get one!”

“Dad, I’ve been on tour all over the world. And I’ve been recording my album—”

“I don’t give a damn about what you’ve been doing! You were here for a show just last month. But instead of coming home to see your little sister, you decided to whore yourself around at a club!”

“I…” Camila begins, realizing her mistake. 'I’m sorry.“

"Save your apologies!” he exclaims so loudly that his voice reverberates around the entire house. Camila prays that the neighbors didn’t hear that. “You’re a bad influence on Sofia and I don’t want you anywhere near her. I will not let you poison her with your lifestyle!”

“Dad, she’s my baby sister. P-please. I need to see her. I feel like she barely knows who I am.”

“Maybe that’s for the best. Do you have any idea how much of a disappointment you’ve been, Karla? Having sexual relations with women, taking drugs, spending all your money on a bunch of useless crap you don’t need! And let’s not forget about that atrocity between your legs.”

Camila knows that she’s made a lot of mistakes since she rose to fame just four years ago. She acknowledges that at most times, she’s a dick. She acknowledges that despite this, she often doesn’t feel guilty about her attitude.

But her father’s hatred towards her runs so much deeper than his disappointment for all of her mistakes. No, her father has always hated her, no matter what she’s done to make him happy. She would study her ass off and get the best grades in school, she would clean the entire house without being asked to, she would get him extravagant Father’s Day gifts, even when she had no money, just to try to make him smile. But it was never enough.

Camila knows that she’ll never win her father’s love that she so desperately craves. He will never accept her because of her sexuality and the deformity between her legs. She’s a monster in his eyes, and he’s always made that very clear.

“Dad, I know that you hate me but—”

“Oh, I more than hate you, Karla. I loathe you. I’ve loathed you since the day you were born and I’ll loathe you until the day you die. Your mother should’ve gotten that abortion when she had the chance.”

Camila’s mother gave birth to her at a young age, back when she still lived in Cuba in poverty. But Camila never considered the fact that her parents wanted to get rid of her at some point. Her parents never wanted her. No one does.

“P-please. Stop—”

“I want you out of this house. Now.”

“I’m not leaving until I see Sofi. Please, just tell me where she is!”

But before Camila has another second to think, she’s suddenly overwhelmed by the harsh pain of her father slapping her right across the face. She gasps, grasping her stinging cheek before falling to the ground.

Alejandro doesn’t stop there. He delivers a few kicks to his daughter’s stomach, ignoring the way she howls in pain, before climbing on top of her and punching her in the face a few times, leaving her bloody and bruised.

“D-Dad! Stop, please! I-I’m begging you! Stop!”

But he doesn’t stop. He stands up again, pulling his daughter’s legs apart, making room for his target. He smirks, proud of the damage he’s just done to his child, before delivering one last kick with all of his might— right to Camila’s crotch.

Camila doubles over in pain and lets out a heart wrenching cry before immediately reaching to cradle her genitals in agony. The tears don’t stop streaming down her face. She feels her heart literally break in two when she looks up to see her father staring down at her— smiling. He’s clearly satisfied with what he’s just done.

“Not so strong when your mother’s not here to defend you, are you?”

Instead of answering him, Camila let’s out another whimper of pain. Her body trembles in fear as her father leans down to take a hold of the collar of her sweatshirt, his grip suffocating.

“Now get out! You are no daughter of mine. Next time you come back here, I won’t be so easy on you,” he says as he continues tightening his hold on the pop star’s sweater. Alejandro can almost see the life draining out of Camila’s eyes as he squeezes, and for a moment, he’s tempted to squeeze even harder. But then, he decides that as a cop, it wouldn’t be wise to kill the teenager. He’ll let her go, for now.

As soon as her father loosens his grip, his breath still hot on Camila’s face, the young Latina immediately scrambles up with all the strength she has left runs out the front door. She stops and takes one last look at her small, two-story home, realizing that she’ll probably never see it again.

Tears burn her eyes when she realizes that, even worse, she’ll never see her little sister again. She’ll never get to hold her tiny hand as they walk down the street. She’ll never get to snuggle up with her on a cold winter’s night, each of them holding a large mug of hot chocolate, as they watch Disney movies together. She’ll never get to tuck her sister in her adorable princess sheets and read her her favorite bed time story after a long day of playing in the backyard. And finally, she’ll never be able to look into her beautiful brown eyes again, so similar to her own, and realize that she has a person that’s truly there for her, a person that is unaware of all the past mistakes she’s made and loves her unconditionally.

When Camila finally makes it safely to her car that someone on her team left outside for her, she locks herself inside and repeatedly pounds her head against the steering wheel before drowning herself in her own tears. She cries and cries until she has no more tears to shed and reluctantly starts her car.

When she arrives at the penthouse that she originally purchased for her father and sister, Camila is tempted to cry again until she remembers that she’s already cried herself out completely.

Camila’s Miami Penthouse

As Camila steps inside, she thinks of how luckily, she had already furnished the home as a favor to her father, so she’ll at least have some furniture to sleep on tonight. However, sleep is definitely not on Camila’s itinerary tonight.

The first thing she does when she walks in is take a seat at the bar she has installed in her living room. She reaches into her backpack that has been on her shoulders all day and extracts a large bottle of Vodka.

Perfect for numbing the pain, she thinks as she sniffles and rubs at her eyes, so sensitive from all the crying.

After taking a few swigs straight from the bottle, Camila reaches into her back pocket and takes out a small baggie filled with a white, powder-like substance.

This is a habit that Camila has developed in the last few years, overwhelmed by the amount of work she’s put in for her profession. Without an ounce of regret, Camila empties the contents onto the bar’s counter, takes out a credit card to make a few lines, and sniffs up all of the cocaine she had in her possession.

At this point, Camila can’t give a single damn about any of the consequences. If she dies, who will miss her anyway?

Her parents hate her and she’s never allowed to see her little sister again. In addition to that, she managed to betray the greatest love of her life, one of the only people in this world that truly loved her for her and not the fame or the money.

As Camila sits at the bar of her penthouse, way too spacious for one person, she realizes that she is completely and utterly alone.

…

I’m sorry for the angst guys :(

This fic is really important to me because Camila’s relationship with her father is inspired by the one that I have with my own dad (slightly exaggerated but you get my point lol). So if you guys left some feedback on my Wattpad account (@xlaurmanix) and shared this with your friends, it would mean the world to me ❤️

Thank you guys for reading, and I’ll update as soon as I can!

#UPDATE #series #AU #g!p #slash #trigger warning #camren #laurmani #alren #laurinah #angst drama #family #humour #submission #Trainwreck

[mllemusketeer]

Jazz and Groceries

Continuing the self-insert-verse! Because we all need some cheerful escapism right now. 

Or, the one in which Autobot over-protectiveness meets its match, and Jazz is embarassed in a parking lot.

There’s something about ordering at the butcher’s counter at a grocery store that makes you feel like a Real Adult, and plus, my local grocery store often has better prices at the butcher’s counter. Which is great, because one of my few sins is the amount I spend on food.

“Anything else?”

“A pound of the double-smoked bacon, please.” The guy behind the counter and I shared the grin of the unapologetic bacon lover.

“Great stuff.”

“God yes.” Okay, the double-smoked bacon wasn’t that economical but it was good. There’s no point in being unhealthy if you don’t really enjoy it.

Bee-deep.

I accepted the brown paper packages I’d ordered, gave the guy another grin and polite farewell, and went to look at the veggies. Again. I was making up my mind about the bok-choi, which were expensive, but the cheap ones were another 20 minutes of driving away, at the international market.

Bee-deep. I frowned down at my phone and pulled it out. Text from Jazz. How much longer u going to b in there?

I grinned at the texts, their mash-up of complete sentences and text speech typical of a Cybertronian texting. They tried text speech, couldn’t quite get the hang of it.

Bee-deep.

Seriously.

Bee-deep.

I am SO BORED.

“Serves you right,” I muttered to the phone. You see, Jazz had been getting over-protective lately. All the ‘bots had. There had been the annual report of causes of morbidity and mortality in the US last week, and unfortunately, I’d been the conduit through which it’d gotten to the ‘bots. Hey, I’m taking classes in policy on top of my ethics coursework. It’s all in a day’s work for me.

And had totally panicked Jazz and co. Because right there, right at the top of causes of accidental death? And near the top of overall causes of death?

Motor vehicle related incidents.

See, we all know, intellectually, that getting behind the wheel is the most dangerous thing we do on a daily basis. Hell, it’s one of the most dangerous things we do, period. We just sort of accept it, that yeah, sure, there’s a chance we could get ourselves killed or injured every time we go to the store, and then we ignore it, because going to the store needs to happen with the minimum of gibbering terror.

Which is why it took me until I was 21 to get my license, but that’s tangential to the whole issue.

So Jazz got ahold of my iPad, open to said report, and, because ‘head of special ops’ translates to ‘incurable fucking snoop’ in personal relationships, read it, and then he chirped it to Optimus, and Optimus, who goes around vacuuming up interesting information about humans like my dog sucks up spilled shredded cheese from the kitchen floor, hadn’t quite run across that tidbit yet, and freaked. In a very gentle and stately manner, of course, because he’s still Optimus Prime. But he freaked.

The reasoning went thus: the humans are risking themselves daily driving to work. It is probably the riskiest thing they do every day.

This includes the human researchers. Actually, it especially means the researchers, who are crossing town on a daily or weekly basis to get to the base.

And to go to the grocery store. And things like that.

Cybertronians are far better drivers than humans. It’s more like walking to them. Besides, they can always transform and save the human, right? Or just dodge.

So for all the ‘bots with human friends, Optimus suggested that they try to minimize our driving time.

Which why my name was mud on base just now. It’s all very well and good for Sam, because Bumblebee is his first and only car, and they have something worked out with driving, but for Captain Lennox suddenly dealing with a very protective Ironhide? Hoo boy. And of course it’s my fault, because I was the twit who left my tablet lying around where an incurable fucking snoop can find it.

Because of course the jerk’s figured out how to get past the fingerprint scanner. No boundaries.

So I was pissed too. Not only because of the lack of personal boundaries, not only because Jazz was trying to babysit me, but because I too had a car I’d brought with me to grad school, and I preferred to drive myself, thanks. Meant I didn’t have to wait to go shopping. There’s also just the simple fact of, yeah, I love my research, I love the ‘bots, but I want a life outside of that, too. Oh, and also, I’d like to be able to go to a party without coordinating with Jazz. Ya know, little unreasonable things like that.

Oh, and I liked my car. His name was Blur, which for some reason made Jazz laugh hysterically when I told him, and he was a Honda Fit, a nice little car that resembled nothing more than a fat, happy, blue tadpole. He could haul like a pickup truck if I needed to, and I’d gone camping in him repeatedly, and he got 40 mpg. Jazz was wonderful, but he had nowhere to put the fucking groceries. Let alone camping supplies. Or the dog crate.

Jazz had looked up the safety specs on Blur when he’d first realized I drove that thing. Blur’s tadpole-ness was not, Jazz felt, an endearing quality. Especially when the info on the 2013 Honda Fit came back, saying it scored top points in collisions from all directions save the front, which it tanked on. Probably because the snub-nosed design meant that in a front-end collision, the driver would receive a lapful of engine.

“Okay,” I’d said, “then I won’t run into anything with the front of the car.”

Jazz had made a gesture like a human tearing their hair, both hands on his sensory horns, and gone, “Arrrgh!”

Honestly, it wasn’t the best retort, I’ll admit that. But it lost me the argument. Jazz was taking me grocery shopping. Blur sat sadly in the driveway, and got sat on by the neighborhood cats.

But I had one final volley in my arsenal.

You see, grocery shopping is fun. I get to putter around and think about eating tasty things. I get to stare at all sorts of tasty things, and decide what I’ll get and what I’ll do with them, and it’s just plain nice.

Translation: I can and will spend an hour per grocery store, if I think I can get away with it.

Which brings us back to the bok-choi and my angrily bee-deeping cell phone.

I pondered the bok-choi, then decided to go to the international market. Now it was apple time. This store had an entire stand dedicated to apples, some of which I could only find in the farmers market back home. I decided to rub it in a little more. I pulled out the phone and took a picture, then texted it to Jazz. Look at all the apples, I said. Deciding on one variety this week’s going to be hard! Pink Lady is one of my favorite, but there’s definitely a new variety here I haven’t heard of…

You are EVIL, the response read.

Hey, I’m not even at TJ’s yet, I sent. We’ll hit that next.

ARRGH.

I snickered, and went back to the apples.

Bee-deep.

I looked at the phone, expecting more robot bitchery, and instead saw, Do not come out the front of the store.

“The fuck?” I said aloud, and then I heard it.

The crash.

The distinctive sound of a large robot fist hitting a large robot face. Or other body part. A sort of clanging thump. And then a screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech of metal on asphalt.

“Oh,” I said. Well, so much for the shopping. Apparently I was evacuating a grocery store today, if the manager didn’t get their act together right quick.

A tumultuous half hour later, involving a lot of speaking calmly in a loud voice and directing people out the back of the store and to a safe distance, and free groceries, I sat in the parking lot next to Jazz, who was picking bits of metal out of his fists and looking sheepish.

“Well,” he said.

“Well,” I said.

“I didn’t realize Barricade was around. He’s using some sort of cloaking technology we’re unfamiliar with,” said Jazz, looking, if possible, even more sheepish. “It wasn’t planned. I think he picked up my signature and took the opportunity.”

I looked around the parking lot. Jazz and Barricade had been hurling shopping carts for a bit there. There was one in a tree, looking oddly festive, surrounded by bright yellow palo verde blossoms. “I see,” I said.

“Clean up should be here soon.” Jazz stood, and winced as he did. Barricade had scratched his leg pretty good, though he assured me it was fine. Ratchet was on his way anyhow, because he couldn’t trust any of the Autobots to accurately report damage, slaggit. “Um.”

Pause.

“Maybe,” said Jazz, in the distinct tones of someone conceding a point they really, really didn’t want to concede, “maybe you are safer doing the shopping in that little blue death trap.”

I grinned. That was about as good as I was going to get.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #79

“there’s a man standing on top of a hill, screaming freedom for some, but all others must kneel.”

how do you typically introduce yourself in online settings? name, age, location, and i'll usually mention my passions. what do you think will bring on the end of the world? nuclear war, global warming, black hole, etc. religious armageddon of some sort. i don't even remember how the bible mentioned the world would end. do you believe in the death penalty? in VERY FEW CASES, yes. some people are just pure villainous. have you ever done role play? i think my common viewers know i'm a meerkat forum rper, but i've never done, like, real life rp. too weird for me personally. have you ever/would you ever do anal? nope and nope. what’s more important- length or width? why? i don't really care? do you talk dirty during sex? moderately. what was your first orgasm like? never had one, but i got extremely close once while being fingered but panicked so we stopped. i didn't know what was going on lmao. do you own any hair extensions from hot topic? nope. 7-11, sheetz, wawa, or starbucks? sheetz. what do you want to name your kids? daughter will 100% be alessandra, boy will be vincent, luther, or victor. do you personally know any authors? i knew a poet once, but never an author. kissed someone within a day of having a bf/gf? no, holy fuck, slow down. have you ever kept it a secret from someone that you liked them? yeah. have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker? i don't think so. is there anyone you would date on your facebook friend list? no. ever been swimming in a lake or river? lake, multiple times. first time you kissed the last person you kissed? 2012 have you ever broken someone’s heart? idk. ever had a near death experience? i guess so. i overdosed, but i wasn't heavily affected by it, honestly. i've also gotten in a mild wreck. when was the last time you held someone’s hand? some months ago when i was getting my cyst emptied; i was holding mom's. can you play guitar hero? expert, babe. who is someone you know that can play the piano well? no one. who is the best dancer you know? carmen, the older sister of my little sister's former friend. name a time you thought you were going to die? immediately after i overdosed. have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? very commonly. do you know your neighbors? nope. how do you feel about interracial couples? awesome. what restaurant do you think has the best french fries? i am honestly not certain! who’s your best guy friend? sam or girt, idk. do you like fruit roll ups? yep. what’s the worse type of weather in your opinion? hot and humid. UGH. do you have a kindle or ipad or neither? neither. growing up, did you see your cousins often? i didn't. they live many states away. around what time do you usually eat dinner? between 6-7:30 do you like carrots more if they’re raw, or cooked? i don't like carrots period. did you play with legos as a kid? nope. which bothers you more… spelling mistakes or bad grammar? bad grammar. is there a food that you love the taste of, but makes you feel sick? bananas are the prime example. love 'em, but i get heartburn that could kill a man. which did you discover first, myspace or facebook? myspace have you ever turned to drinking or smoking to solve a problem? let me clarify something here: drinking/smoking does not "solve" the problem, nor do i believe it is capable of doing so. have i turned to drinking for some relief from a problem, sure. if you HAD to get a piercing (not ears) what would you get? i want my lip repierced. what do you wish you had more knowledge about? politics. i don't understand a good 3/4 of it have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? divorce and parents fighting, yes. they fought so bad that just yelling became a trigger to me. do you drink more apple or orange juice? orange juice do you think relationships are hard? honestly, no. just think about it: if you truly love someone, what is so difficult about it? what is your favorite pop-tart flavor? oh my gaaaad the reeses ones. ever had the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with your parents? nope. i learned in family life. do you think you have to be skinny in order to be beautiful? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!! would you ever get gauged ears? noooo. have you ever been in a school talent show? what for? i haven't, but my best friend sang in one!! have you ever dated someone you met online? nope. are you a competitive person? nope. do you believe in aliens? i do not. do you like dancing? not really anymore... it's draining. where are you from? north carolina how much more social are you when you’re drunk? VERY if you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be? dakota is tomboyish, i like that... or georgia, sounds very pretty... what’s your favorite form of exercise? swimming do you like guacamole? NO EW do you consider yourself sexually open minded? sure? how do you feel about porn? it's fucking disgusting. who was your hottest ex? jason was hot, don't care what anyone says. do you want/have kids? i want them. has anyone ever told you that they wanted to marry you? ohhhh, how funny! he's not around anymore! :D do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? nah. what’s your favorite flavor of iced tea? i hate tea. have you ever been to a casino? if so, which one(s)? none. do you love or hate olives? eh, neutral. have you ever visited a sex shop? nope. do you like the name cindy for a girl? nope. how many sets of keys do you have for your house? two. do you know anyone who has parkinson’s disease? don't think so. how many cousins do you have? what are their names? OH GOD TOO MANY. have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? i have not. do you use instagram? how often do you post there? i do not. what’s your favorite brand of beer? never tried beer. do you like writing? how often do you write? i love writing! i do it a few times a day. what’s your favorite place to get pizza? domino's! has there ever been a fire inside your house? tell me the story. not while we inhabited it. our old house, however, burned to a crisp inside due to its new residents putting a fucking box on the stove. it was a brick house though, so the exterior was fine and it was rebuilt on the interior. have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? no. how many piercings do you have? only four now... ugh. do you own any sports bras? where’d you get them from? i do not. what’s the most expensive restaurant you’ve ever eaten at? no place all that expensive, honestly. who was the last person to tell you that you were beautiful/cute/good-looking? are you attracted to that person too? chelsea called me beautiful, and she absolutely is, too! has anyone ever called you stuck-up? no. when is the next birthday in your household and whose is it? nicole's is in april. what color are your father’s eyes? brown in winter, would you rather wear a jacket or hoodie? hoodie have you ever voluntarily read the bible? i read some of it, yes. how much is gas where you live? like... $2.20 a gallon. do you have any gay friends? i do. do you like the state you live in? nope. who is your favorite person to watch on youtube? has to be a singular youtuber? then markiplier. how often would you say you take naps? once every few days. have you ever played bejeweled? that game was my mom's SHIT. it was all right. does your mom have a facebook? yes. have you ever been bitten by a rat? no. why do you not wash off your makeup on some nights? being lazy. does blueberry syrup sound good to you, right now? no. did you get lucky on prom night? sex-wise, no, but in my own opinion, i got very lucky, because we made my favorite memory. have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend? noooo. last song you had stuck in your head? "pity party" by melanie martinez has been stuck in my head for over 24 hours lmao kill me did you ever spill something and actually cry over it? i don't know of a specific occasion, but it's possible i have, especially if i was REALLY hungry or thirsty. do you think that everyone is capable of love? i sure do not. do you believe in astrology? nope. i don't waste my time with it. if you had to wear a hat for the rest of your life, what would it be? fedora. they sexy. would you rather have a musical alarm clock or a regular one? musical!! when you were little, what was your favorite game? the "spyro the dragon" trilogy was my life. do you prefer to wrap gifts or use gift bags? gift bags are more aesthetically pleasing, imho. do you own a trenchcoat? fam i wish. are you currently in a smoking environment? yes. chelsea is allowed to smoke here. if a stranger smiles at you, do you smile back? usually, but i may feel a bit awkward. have you ever known a guy who caused a lot of drama? i sure do. have you ever taken care of a drunk friend? nope. what’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? i'm not entirely certain how i feel about it. now if you're hunting and actually eat what you kill, that's 100% cool, it's survival. but killing just to kill? sounds... immoral. but then again, i'm a christian and understand animals were put on the earth for humans, so idk. have you ever gone in a sauna? oh fuck that. sounds like hell to me. out of these colors, which appeals most to you: orange, blue, or green? orange do you believe in finders keepers in most situations? not at all. has anyone in your family fought in any of the wars? not to my knowledge. would you make any changes to your current bedroom? i, technically, do not have a bedroom atm bc we're in the process of moving. what animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have? meerkats, totes. having them as pets is horrible for them, and i'm pretty sure it's illegal in the u.s., too. do you own many pairs of shorts? i have none. is there a certain song you like to head bang to? surprisingly, i don't headbang. hurts my head. who was or will be the maid of honor/best man in your wedding? colleen! :D what is your favorite lunch meat?  salami, probs. do you still have your tonsils? i do. red or pink? pink! do you have a special talent? lmaoooo where were you born? rocky mount, nc do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother?  no. what do you think the hardest part of surviving is?  just the pain of it. do you know anyone with a lazy eye? yep. can you remember your parents’ birthdays?  mom's, yes; dad's, no. what piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? lip. tongue is a close second, they sexy. what brand of hair dye do you prefer to use? splat, bc it actually works for my hair. are you any good at applying make up?  no, due to my tremor. are you currently wearing any hair accessories? which ones? i am not. do you like potato chips? bury me in a bag of lays pls gold or silver? gold is there an animal that creeps you out? WHALE SHARKS, slugs, certain spiders and bugs, etc... have you ever seen northern lights? i wish! do your parents smoke? dad does is your favorite animal endangered?  no how old is your best friend?  21 if there was a large spider in your room, would you stay in the room? that shit's gotta get out, no. what color is your cell phone? black do you take vitamins daily?  no what’s one thing you hate about your best friend?  she's racist. be honest: do you illegally download music? yeah. welcome to 2k17. what’s the worst crime someone can commit? rape. you’re painting your room. what color do you choose? hm. i'd really have to see how my new room's going to look, but maybe like, a coffee-colored tan. what dog breed is the cutest ever? akita inus, eeeek! are cherries delicious? ew, no. have you ever experienced a tornado? thank the actual lord jesus christ no. how about a flood? yes. my brother went outside, slid down the slide on our playset, and fucking swam in it lmao do you or have you ever owned a pair of light up shoes? sure, as a kid. what is a current goal you’re trying to achieve? obtain a job. is there something that you thought you would’ve outgrown/gotten over by now, but haven’t? definitely forum meerkat role-play. i started that in middle school ffs dude. how often do you “draw a blank” mentally? A LOT. mainly when i'm talking, which is annoying. have you ever played the sims?   the animal ones, yes.  loved 'em. is your current hair color your natural hair color?   no, but you can see my roots now. can you run a mile in under 7 minutes?   HAHAHAHAHAHAHA do you have your license?   i do not.  i'm a nervous wreck when driving. have you ever sleep walked?   i have not. where was your first job?   gamestop do you remember your second grade teacher’s name?   mrs. whitley what do you like on your sundaes?   i like nothing "on" them have you been blessed with the ability to cook and/or bake?   nope... have you gained more than 5 lbs within the past year?   ... i gained over 100.  it's fucking embarrassing.  i just found out recently the weight gain was moreso a medication i was finally taken off of rather than eating habits, though. do you want kids at some point?   i do. are you lactose intolerant?   no. do you believe in abstaining from sex until marriage?   it's a personal choice.  if you want to, go for it. what is your sexual orientation?   heterosexual have you ever bought clothing online?   yes, i prefer it. do you think shakespeare is difficult to read?   not really, no. do you play solitaire in the computer?   no, dunno how. have you ever received nude pictures from someone?   no. admit it: you had a neopets account.   damn right i did, neopets was/is rad. is there a pet in the room with you right now?   miracle and maxwell are currently playing, yes. how weight conscious are you?   VERY OMG is there anyone else with you right now?   bradley, colleen's husband, is currently watching tv in here w/ me. have you ever been accused of cheating?   nope. have you ever taken a train?   i have not. is being thin really all that great?   not necessarily "thin," but slim, sure.  you're more likely to be physically healthy. have you ever been to a night club?   i haven't. does any accent annoy you?   a veeeery thick southern accent doesn't "annoy" me, but it's aggravating 'cuz i can't understand you. what’s worse: crocs or uggs?   crocs are unholy. do you feel awkward when a stranger sits next to you?   yep. do you have any taylor swift songs on your ipod?   ... i confess to "picture to burn" and "should've said no" kill me pls do you want your tongue or belly button pierced?   tongue, yes.  a belly button ring wouldn't look good on me. do you hate it when people smoke around you?   YEAH what is your blood-type?   a.  don't remember if it's positive or negative tho. are you donating your organs?   yes. do you sleep on your side, stomach or back?   side, always. have you ever been a fan of ‘n sync?   i was a '90s baby.  you know it. do you know anyone that has/had cancer?   mom had kidney cancer. were you a big jump roper back in the day?   i was.  i got to where i could jump in. has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you?   yes.  not that i wanted that to happen. do you like chinese food?   a few things, sure.  just had some last night. do long distance relationships work?   of course.  not my first choice for me personally though. how do you like your eggs?   scrambled, cheesy. mcdonald’s or burger king?   mcd's.

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