#i know it was the best decision to make but im disappointed and sad
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Forever yours.
Chapter 2
⤿ Satoru Gojo × reader
The only reason why you even agreed to marry him was for your father. Now you wish you could go back in time and reject the offer.
Warning/ tags; angst, profanity, smoking, cursing, smut, cheating, mean gojo,
Genre; angst, cheating, infidelity, jik, Gojou × reader
Notes: the tag-list is open if you'd like to be mentioned everytime i update just send me a message also sorry for the spelling errors I didn’t have time to edit.
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"Satoru..." Trying to grab his arm he looked at you with disgust laced in his eyes. Sighing he walked away from you leaving you all alone in this stupid engagement party his Father was having.
You were wearing a beautiful black dress with an incredible blue gem in the middle of the top. The dress was a bit tight and short than you expected. Standing all alone you were disappointed that he hadn't tried to at least get along with you. Yeah you might've been the cause, the reason why Satoru had to end his relationship with his so called lover. But he didn't have to go out of his way and treat you like shit.
You regret it too. It was a difficult decision for both of us, but you had to make it for the sake of your families. You didn't want to hurt Satoru, but you had to do what was best for yourself. Wishing things had been different, but it was the only way.
You knew Satoru would forever hold a grudge against you but you weren't going to give up. At least to try and get you two in speaking terms is enough. You didn't want to be alone forever and if you did have a child then you'd have to at least ne in speaking terms with Satoru.
"Y/n?" Walking towards you with a gentle smile she had obviously put great effort into keeping her composure, but you could sense the sadness in her voice and see the pain in her eyes.
Even though she was trying to mask her true feelings, you knew that deep down, she was hurting. You wanted to reach out and comfort her, but you knew there was nothing you could say or do to make the situation better.
"Hello," bowing your head in respect you smiled back at her. Watching how her hands clutched onto her dress.
Her heart clenched as she looked at you, her eyes burning with rage. She didn't know why you were so calm and composed while she was filled with pain and sorrow. Jiyuu wanted to lash out, to scream and shout, but instead she just seethed with anger. She silently vowed to make you suffer for taking away the one thing she wanted the most. The man who she desperately loved so much she would even kill for him.
Suddenly you felt chills flowering in your back. Looking away from Jiyuu, you spotted your now husband staring at you. You could almost feel the sadness radiating from him as he slowly walked away, his shoulders slumped in defeat. You knew that he still loved his ex-lover and wished he had married her instead of you. Your heart filled with sorrow as you watched him disappear into the crowd wishing you could have done something to make things right.
"Have you met his parents yet? If you haven't im just here to leave a small piece of advice," Moving closer, Jiyuu leaned towards you telling you words that hurt you so bad.
“When you meet his parents try and not home-wreck their relationship like how you did to mine." She spat with venom in her voice. You knew she hated you for marrying her lover but you couldn't help it, it was an arranged marriage. You felt your heart sink and you were speechless.
You knew Jiyuu was bitter and angry but you never expected her to be so cruel. You wanted to tell her that it wasn't your fault and you didn't mean to hurt her but you couldn't bring yourself to say the words. You were taken aback by her words, you felt the tears welling up in your eyes and the lump in your throat growing bigger.
You wanted to say something in your defense, but you knew there was nothing you could say to make Jiyuu understand. You just wanted to be free of her venomous words and be away from her presence. Taking a few steps back, you turned around and walked away with your head bowed, feeling the weight of Jiyuu's words on your heart.
Feeling tears falling down your cheeks you ran towards the restroom excusing yourself from the party. Entering the restroom you went inside a stall. Covering your mouth with your hand you cried after the conversation with Jiyuu.
You just wanted to go back and time and never have this arranged marriage with Satoru. You felt utterly helpless and desperate. You knew there was no way out and you had to accept your fate. You had no choice but to marry Satoru and there was no way to escape it. You felt like you were suffocating in the stall as the reality of the situation hit you. You wiped your tears away and took a few deep breaths, knowing that you had to go back to the party and face Satoru.
Walking out the stall you saw how your face was ruined. Seeing your face a mess after crying for so long your makeup was smudged. Trying your best to fix it you grabbed a piece of paper and ran it over some warm water
rubbing away all the smudged mascara. Thinking about how you were so embarrassed that everyone saw you run towards the restroom with tears in your eyes. You slowly looked up into the mirror, your eyes still red and puffy from the tears.
Reaching for the paper towel, you dabbed at your eyes, trying to get rid of the last traces of tears. Taking a deep breath, you composed yourself, knowing that you had to go back out there and face everyone.
To face Satoru's disgusted gaze and Jiyuu's face that basically screamed at you every chance she got to look at you. After this party you were set to go to your honeymoon with Satoru at Santorini. All alone with him for 3 days would be the worst. You both didn't even want to go knowing what would happen if you did. Honeymoons are basically just another word for the recently married couple to have sex in that day. No one else can tell me that they had a Honeymoon with no sex.
Walking outside the restroom you were shocked to see Satoru leaning on the wall.
"Took you long enough, tch" he scoffed seeing your slightly puffy eyes his gaze turned into confusion instead of its regular nasty and cruel one.
"What's wrong why were you crying." Walking closer to you he tilted his head. For once Satoru actually was talking to you despite being married for a whole week now.
This was the most words he's ever said to you. Maybe it was because you were in public or maybe it was because he was genuinely concerned for you but you knew it was the first option. Even if you got shot Satoru would end up looking the other way instead of helping you, why? Maybe because in his mind you were a treacherous witch in his eyes. You were the reason why his happiness was taken away. The reason why he would never even care about your well being.
"Nothing." Feeling another tear fall he pulled you closer. Pulling his hand to wipe away your tear. Embracing you he put his hand on your waist and one on top of your head.
"If anything's wrong just tell me."
Oh you wished those words actually were true. You wished that his actions were genuinely real but to your surprise you could see two people standing to your far right. Turning your head to get a closer look you saw his father watching the entire scene unfold.
Of course.
You should've known this was all for show. You should've known better to actually think this man even cared about you. You had to face the truth that this marriage was nothing more than an arrangement. You felt like your heart was being crushed and all you wanted to do was break away from him. You knew you had to be strong and not let your emotions take control.
Taking a deep breath, you pulled back and said, "Let go of me."
You could feel the tension in the air as Satoru slowly intertwined his fingers in yours. His grip was tight, almost too tight, and you could tell that this was all part of the act, a show for his father.
You tried to give him a reassuring glance but he simply looked away, a stoic expression on his face. "Hello father."
Slightly bowing Satoru got back up, pulling you closer to him. Before you married into this family you knew that Satoru had lost his mother in a young age.
His father remarrying twice already this being the second time he's engaged. Satoru and a rocky relationship with his father. He hated his dad for remarrying so fast after his mother died of a sudden illness. He had his suspicion that his father murdered his mother to marry another women.
"I see you're getting engaged again." You could feel the change in the atmosphere once Satoru said that to his father.
Already having a grudge against his father Satoru couldn't stand seeing his dad remarry again. He felt a wave of anger and resentment wash over him as he looked at his father. He had been expecting this announcement for a while, but it still didn't make it any easier to hear.
He wanted to shout and scream at his father, but instead he kept his silence and forced a tight-lipped smile.
"Why are you so concerned on what I do. Shouldn't you be more concerned on your now wife crying and sprinting towards the restroom? If I'd to say, you look like a rather extraordinary husband." Giving his son a fake smile you could feel Satoru squeeze your hand tighter than before.
He hated his father so much.
Scoffing Satoru rolled his eyes at his father. "We should get going we don't want to be late and miss the plane."
Walking away Satoru "accidentally" bumped into his father. With a scowl on his face he looked at fathers new fiancé. Satoru did not want to be in the same room as his father's new fiance, let alone look at her.
He was angry and resentful towards his father for moving on so quickly after his mother's death. He didn't want to accept the fact that his father had found someone new. Sending him a clear message of his disapproval. Grabbing Gojo by the shoulder his father stopped him before whispering words that were never going to leave your mind.
"Don't mess things up with her. If you do I will kill you satoru."
Pulling his shoulder back all he could do was let out a frustrated sigh. Walking away from the party you both were alone. Waiting for Satoru private driver to get here and escort you back home where you could get your luggage and a change of clothes.
"You might want to wear something warm it's going to be cold when we get there." Looking at him you could see him close his eyes and move his head more up. He had eye bags and his skin was drier than before.
It was obvious that Satoru wasn't sleeping at night. Remembering that you were still holding his hand you quickly looked down. Seeing his tight grasp on your hand you couldn't help but smile a little. He might've forgot that he was holding your hands or maybe he actually knew he still was and wanted a sense of comfort. Either way you didn't care, all that mattered now was that Satoru was slowly warming up to you.
Feeling his warm hand you felt saddened. Maybe this was a way of comfort that Jiyuu had. Maybe she had held his hand one time when something like that happened to Satoru.
Remembering how Toji would clasp his hands with yours you felt a wave of sadness wash over you. Wondering how Toji was doing now. You had tried to reach out to him after the wedding, but he never responded. You felt guilty for not being able to do more to help him, but you knew that it would be difficult for him to accept your help.
You hoped that Toji was doing better and had found a way to move on. But deep down you wished that Toji would wait for you. Even though it might be long you desperately wished that he would wait until you divorced Satoru and marry him instead but you knew you were reaching too far to something that would never happen.
Even if you both were lovers for 2 years you knew he wouldn't wait long enough for you. You just wanted him to find his own woman he could call his wife even though you desperately wanted to be that woman.
"Are you listening?" Gazing at you, you completely forgot that Satoru was here.
"No, sorry I spaced out." Watching him pull his hand back you felt your heart break even more. You desperately wanted this marriage to work so bad but you knew Satoru didn't feel the same way.
"When we get to the cave houses please text your mother we made it safely. I don't want her blowing up my phone again." Finally seeing the black Cadillac pull up in front of the beautiful mansion you walked towards it completely ignoring what your husband had said.
Getting inside the car you were met with a wave of coldness, sighing you felt chills run down your spine.
"Please take us to my house." With a nod the driver close the small opening leaving you with an uncomfortable silence. You could hear Satoru talk but all you could focus on was the fact you felt sleepy all of a sudden.
'I'll close my eyes just for a bit' closing your tired eyes you felt yourself drift to sleep. It was only for a few minutes, just until you got to the house to change out of this dress you thought. Falling into a deep slumber all you dreamed of was having a happy family witn Toji.
Seeing his familar warmth when he hugged you, your dream self cried. Hugging him harder. He kissed you. Feeling his familiar soft lips on your you felt happy. You felt at peace hoping that this was real.
Putting your hand on your baby bump you rubbed it smiling at the small jokes Toji was cracking. He loved seeing his pregnant wife laugh at every single joke he said. "What are we going to name this little one?"
Bending down Toji kissed your small baby bump. You could say you were about a few months in. "What about Sota? Its cute isn't it." Placing another quick kiss on your lips he pulled you closer.
"Yeah, as long as we both like it. Sota's perfect." Giving him a small kiss on the cheek you were about to caress his cheek before you woke up. Feeling a pair of arms taking off your dress. Bringing you back to reality. Remembering that you were stuck in this universe. The universe were you weren't married to Toji but rather married to Satoru Gojo.
"What are you doing." Grabbing a pillow you covered yourself, seeing yourself only wearing your undergarments.
"Why are you acting all shy. We're married aren't we." Handing you a pair of sweats and a green sweater you quickly changed into it.
"We might be married but that doesn't mean you have my consent to take my clothes off." You spat back grabbing a hair tie, tying your hair up.
"You were sleeping, you looked peaceful so I wasn't planning on waking you up." Changing his shirt this was the first time you've ever seen Satoru change in front of you.
"You could've woke me up." Pursing your lips you were about to protest some more before Satoru got up.
"Lets go I don't want to miss the flight" grabbing your wrist he pulled you out the door. What the hell was wrong with this man.
Before you knew it you were boarding the plane. Having to sit with your husband for 11 hours. Leaving New York for 3 days all you wanted to do was go back and be alone, but you had to face your husband wether you liked it or not.
Grabbing your luggage you were met with Satoru’s bored face. You sighed and stepped out of the airport, following Satoru in silence.
You had been through a lot in the last week, and the thought of having to take a honeymoon with someone you barely knew was daunting. You had both agreed to this marriage out of obligation, and now here you were, starting the second chapter of your life. He was the son of a wealthy family, and you had been arranged to marry him for the sake of both of your families. You had never expected to be in this situation, but here you were, on your way to a honeymoon you both dreaded.
All you wanted to do was get to the house that Satoru rented for 3 days. The whole ride to the home was silent.
The air was filled with an indescribable uncomfortableness. “I expect that you shall be my wife whenever, wherever, however I need you to be.” Looking at him with a confused look you pursed your lips.
“Where you go, I go. When I need you, you come. Just until we have an heir and we both agree on a divorce.” Satoru said. You felt the breath leave your lungs as you processed his words.
You knew he meant them as a way of showing commitment to each other but it felt like an ultimatum. You slowly exhaled and nodded, unable to find words to respond. You weren't sure if you were ready for this type of commitment, but you knew you had no choice.
“Why do I have to follow your rules.” You scoffed.
“Because you were to the one who agreed to marry me, now you will agree with whatever I do.” He spat back.
Finally entering the house you were shocked to see the beautiful house Satoru has rented. You joyfully ran towards the small opening to see the beautiful view. ‘Perched on the cliffs of the Caldera, a house in Santorini offers breathtaking views of the Aegean Sea. Inside, the house is decorated with classic Greek architecture and décor, with white walls, blue accents, and terracotta rooftops.The terrace is the perfect place to watch the sun set over the ocean, and the nearby beaches are perfect for swimming and sunbathing.’ You had read online, and every single thing that article said was completely true. You fell in love with this house.
Going outside the small cave house you saw the most beautiful scenery. The clouds were completely gone and you could see the stars twinkling in the night sky, and the shimmering reflections of the moonlight on the surface of the sea.
The sound of the waves crashing against the shore was a soothing melody that filled the air. The cool breeze was a welcome respite from the heat of the day, and you could smell the salty tang of the ocean. You took in the beauty of the night, feeling grateful for the moment. You took in a deep breath of the salty air, feeling the gentle breeze against your skin.
The sound of the waves crashing against the shore was soothing and calming. Completely forgetting that Satoru was staring at you while you admired the outside of the house. Thankfully you had a private jacuzzi and a small bed close to it.
Not paying attention to your husband you quickly ran to change into a bathing suit to dip your body inside the jacuzzi. Without a second thought, you grabbed your swimsuit and rushed to put it on. You were eager to feel the warm water of the jacuzzi against your skin and forget all the stress of the day. As you stepped inside the pool, you felt your worries slowly melting away.
“You’re getting inside at 1:25am in the night?” Satoru had his shirt off. Crossing his arms he scoffed seeing you nod before dipping your whole entire body inside the jacuzzi.
All you had been dreaming about was being able to enjoy the day in Santorini, enjoying the view by yourself. Even if Satoru was going to mess this honeymoon up all you wanted to do was make it worth a while. Even if it meant spending every single second by yourself. You had been looking forward to this trip for so long, and you were not going to let Satoru ruin it for you. You were determined to make the most of it, and you knew that you could have a great time alone if you just let go and enjoyed the moment. You took a deep breath and embraced the beauty of the island.
Placing your arms on the tip of the jacuzzi you sighed. You would’ve loved to come to this place with Toji.
“What are you doing?” Confused as to why Satoru decided to take his shirt off he changed into shorts. Walking towards you he also went inside the jacuzzi. Sighing he pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I would’ve loved to come here with her.” He silently whispered.
You felt your heart ache at the mention of Satoru’s past lover. You knew Satoru would never even consider you anything because this marriage was arranged. You couldn't help but feel like a third wheel, like you were an intruder in his own memory.
You knew he didn't want this, didn't want to be here with you, and it made your heart heavy. You wanted to give him the space he needed to process his emotions, so you silently stepped away from him. Moving to the far corner of the jacuzzi. It broke your heart how he was so open about her in front of you. Despite knowing that he will never love you, you just wanted your best to have your little self fulfill her dream.
The dream to have a marriage full of love and excitement but unfortunately for you this marriage was the opposite. There was absolutely no way Satoru would ever fall for you. He was determined to make it clear to you that this marriage meant nothing to him.
Feeling him grab your waist he pulled you closer to him. Feeling his bare back on yours. Wrapping his arms around your waist he kissed your shoulder.
“What are you doing.” You said disgust filling your voice. With a sigh he separated himself from you.
“The faster we have sex, the faster I can get you pregnant and finish this marriage.” Grabbing you he pulled you out of the jacuzzi.
Placing a towel on top of the bed he pushed you into it. You felt a wave of anger and disappointment wash over you. You wanted to scream and throw something, but all you could do was lay there silently as he began to undress. He was so focused on his goal that he didn't even notice the tears streaming down your face.
Basically ripping off your swimsuit he threw it on the floor before he took of his shorts. Seeing you bare naked he couldn’t help but feel disgusted. “I can’t even get hard looking at your body, you’re so pathetic.” He spat. He stepped closer to you, his icy blue eyes staring deeply into yours.
You could feel his breath on your skin as he hovered over you, his face contorted in anger. You felt helpless and exposed, his words cutting into you like a knife. You felt a wave of embarrassment wash over you as you quickly tried to cover yourself with your hands. You were ashamed of your body, feeling inadequate and exposed.
You looked away, unable to meet his gaze, and tears began to well up in your eyes. He reached out and grabbed your wrist, squeezing it tightly as if to punish you for his own inadequacy.
“Don’t cover yourself, it’s embarrassing, you think im actually going to cum just by seeing you stupid face.” Rolling his eyes he spit on your cunt feeling his two finger go inside of you without a warning you yelped. You tried to stifle your moans as he started thrusting his fingers in and out of you, pushing you closer and closer to the edge.
He started to increase his pace and you felt yourself getting closer and closer to the brink. You begged for him to stop but he kept going, his fingers hitting your sweet spot with every thrust as pleasure started to course through your body.
“You know, you’re body isn’t even merely as pleasing to look at compared to Jiyuu.” You could feel tears falling down. Hearing his words as he continued to finger you. You wanted to scream out in pain, but you didn't. You wanted to tell him to stop, but you couldn't.
You felt like you were stuck in a nightmare, powerless to do anything but take the abuse. It felt like the world was spinning around you, and you couldn't catch your breath. You felt like you were going to break down, but you kept the tears from spilling out.
He looked into your eyes and asked, "You're not a virgin right?" Taking his long fingers out of you, he cleaned himself with the towel before aligning his cock at your entrance. You could feel your heart racing and your breath quickening as he slowly pushed himself inside of you.
The way Satoru made loved to you made you want to puke. Having sex with a person meant that love had to come with it as well. But in this situation Satoru fucked you with desperation to get you pregnant not with love. You felt used and abused as if he just wanted to get a job done without any consideration for your feelings. It was a stark contrast to the passionate, tender love-making you were used to. You felt betrayed and taken advantage of, and it was a feeling you couldn't shake.
You shivered in disgust as you felt his thrusts intensify. His hands were firmly gripping your hips as he moved in and out of you, sending waves of pleasure throughout your body that you didn’t want to accept. You let out a loud moan of pleasure as he increased the pace, pushing you closer and closer to the edge. “Fuck your tight.”
Feeling you wrap your hands around his muscular back he tightened his grip on your waist. “Don’t do that.” His eyes were filled were disgust. You were hit with the reality that you were making love without the definition of love in it. You were just having sex for the benefit of Satoru.
You had gone too far and you knew it. You had let yourself get carried away, and now you were left with the shame of knowing that you had given yourself to someone who didn't feel the same way about you. You felt empty and disappointed in yourself. Not even a single kiss, Satoru didn’t have the nerve to kiss you either.
It was your fault for thinking that Satoru would actually enjoy having sex with you. You should’ve known better that having sex with another woman is disgusting because all he wanted was Jiyuu. He wanted Jiyuu to be in your position, he wanted her to be the one who was feeling pleasure not you. It was reality check, it was a warning to never get carried away because this man is cruel.
You thought that you could make him feel something but you were wrong. You were just a toy to him, a mere distraction that he could use and discard whenever he wanted. Your biggest mistake was trusting him, believing that he could ever feel something for you. Not only was he cold and distant but he also made it clear that he had no intention of ever being with you.
You were foolish to think that Satoru would ever be happy with you. He was never going to give you the same pleasure he gave Jiyuu, and you should have known that. His cruelness towards you was a stark reminder that no matter how much you care for him, you are nothing more than a replacement for his beloved Jiyuu.
You should never have allowed yourself to get carried away by your delusions. Feeling his cock hit your cervix you were brought back to reality. Holding back your moans you were not going to let this man feel satisfied that he had sex with you.
Panting he gripped your waist before moaning himself. “Im going to cum inside.” Feeling his warm seed inside your cunt you felt relief wash over you. Relieved that this unenjoyable sex was over
You waited for him to pull out, and as soon as he did, you quickly stood up and grabbed your clothes. You were not going to let him see the tears that were streaming down your face. You silently walked towards the restroom. Ready to wash out this disgusting scent of his out of your body. You didn’t want to think on how you were going to raise a child with that man knowing he doesn’t love you and never will. You got in the shower and let the hot water cascade over your body. You let all your emotions out and cried until the water ran cold. You knew you had to find the strength to keep going for the sake of your unborn child.
You had been trying your best to keep your composure and be the strong person you had always been. But it was too much for you to bear and you couldn't help but let the tears fall. You felt so exhausted and helpless, wishing the pain would just go away. You had always thought of yourself as weak and vulnerable, and Satoru’s words only seemed to confirm your fears.
You had never been good enough, and no matter how hard you tried, it never seemed to be enough. You felt like you were walking on a never-ending treadmill, trying to catch up but never succeeding.
You stayed in the shower for what seemed like hours, letting the hot water wash away all your worries and fears. You knew that it wasn't the answer, but for now, it was the only thing that could bring you comfort. You just wished Toji was the one you married.
You felt the water drip down your body wishing that he was here to console you. Wishing that Tojis was the one you devoted your life to not Satoru. You let out a sigh and closed your eyes, remembering all the times Toji had made you laugh and all the love you both had shared. You knew that if you had chosen him, your life would be different now. But you had made your choice, and you had to live with it.
Walking out the shower you wrapped yourself with a towel drying your body before changing into some pj’s your sister had bought you. Walking back to the room you saw Satoru fast asleep his phone unlocked, you debated if you should sneak a little to see if he was talking to anyone. Talking to Jiyuu as a matter fact. Opening the message app you were surprised to see only one contact was there. Not even having a contact at all it was just a number.
+1 *** *** **** ; it’s okay you can make it up to me when you get back.
Satoru: I swear what we did meant absolutely nothing to me, I love you.
Your heart broke seeing him text her immediately when you went inside the bathroom. But then again Satoru was in love with her not you. You shook your head, knowing it was wrong to snoop around. You put the phone back down and tucked Satoru in, deciding you'd talk to him about it in the morning.
You quietly slipped into some comfortable blankets and laid in bed, trying to fall asleep. You moved closer to the edge not wanting to feel Satoru presence at all. Remembering that you only had to suffer 2 more days before you could go back to your regular life. The life were Satoru ignores you every day and never utters a single word to you. You sighed in relief and let out a wave of emotions that had been building up inside of you.
You felt a strange sense of freedom knowing that you wouldn't have to put up with Satoru's coldness for much longer. You felt content with the idea that soon you would be able to get back to your life in which you no longer had to worry about Satoru's indifference.
taglist; @allofffmypeaches @shycreatorsandwich @ryumurin @cloudsinthecosmos @cl0ud9ine
#arranged marriage#gojo x reader#gojou satoru x reader#jjk gojo#jjk smut#jujutsu gojo#jujutsu toji#gojo satoru#gojo x y/n#gojo x you#gojo satoru angst#gojo angst#ceo gojo#cheating#cheating gojo
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Romance ❤️🔥
(And look at the emoji that comes up at that word- interesting huh!?)
Im not sure how to explain this one…
Romance … still undecided about this one. Never even considered aro until a year or two ago but maybe, maybe there’s something there and I’ve been confused
Because I want something I can’t quite feel
Or because I thought I wanted something I was meant to feel??
I think I can explain it best like this-
Wedding dresses…
I love wedding dresses love them- always have. When I was ten ish I invented and played pretend shop with a friend. We had the whole thing set up in my loft - a till, a catalogue with wedding dresses I’d drawn, appointment book, pretend cheques and credit cards, shoes, veils. Everything. It was called Silver Life. I had business cards, accessories. I made the whole thing. I even had some old wedding dresses my mum had found somewhere for me.
But here’s the important part….
I never never imagined my wedding dress or my wedding. That didn’t have anything to do with me. I loved weddings and the dresses but I was never in the role of bride.
Other girls had ideas about their wedding/their dress/ perfect wedding/dream wedding/day
Not me, not at ten not at 15 or at 21 when the only man I’d ever felt anything for broke up with me because “I’d want to get married soon and have children”
I’d never expressed such a desire, never really thought about it and that was of course not the true reason he dumped me after four years over the phone.
Fun fact- I did not have children for another 10 years and even then it was a decision not a overwhelming desire.
I love weddings but I never imagined a wedding or a declaration of eternity for me not when I was little, not with boyfriend number 1, not in the first months of heady infatuation and lust with my current partner. He did, he spoke of love and engagements, he put a harabo ring on my finger “as a joke” he meant it.
We thought I might be pregnant 5 weeks into the relationship- I wasn’t and I have never been more relieved about anything ever… he was disappointed, bless him. He would have married me.
So I think my feelings about love and romance are like my feelings for weddings.
I like the concept, the beauty of it all, the idea of love and forever but just the idea.
Just the concept of it. In real life I do love deeply please don’t misunderstand that but it’s not a heady romantic love. It’s not the love I write about that makes my heart trip when I read it. That kind of love is unwelcome in real life. It makes me feel uncomfortable at times.
So although I never want to be without him, I know that I would not choose him over all else, the other people I love. I would not follow him anywhere or leave my family for him. I know that’s true for other people too but for some people it isn’t. Love is blind, love makes fools of us all, follow your heart… and so on.
That’s not in me, am I sad about it? Maybe a little but it’s just how I am so it’s ok too and I’m happy. I just don’t feel like that.
Love for me is a choice, a decision something I thought (quite literally) might as well give it a go and 25 years later here i am.
I don’t burn 🔥 like the romance ❤️🔥 heart
I never have but I yearn for it sometimes like a moth looking at the light, I wish I could feel it but I’d be terrified if I did.
I don’t know if that makes sense? I have more thoughts around this I’ll share later.
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— A–Z with Hannah —
inspired by learn the alphabet with elena and a-z juliet’s quotes so u should def check them out too!!
[find hannah’s main masterlist here] | [find june’s version here] | [find izabella’s version here]
➤ A is for… *showing her dorm during the relay cam* and this is my bedroom, also known as my Isolation Station.
➤ B is for… but did you know that you can start screaming like, basically anywhere? it’s not illegal or anything.
➤ C is for… capricorns? *frowns* the only capricorn allowed in this house is qian kun.
➤ D is for… doyoung always call me ‘spoiled’ like it was some mysterious invisible witch that spoiled me and not him.
➤ E is for… every guy here thinks im overdramatic when im upset, but when an octopus gets stressed out, it eats itself. now THAT’S being overdramatic.
➤ F is for… febreze, baby. you need to spray febreze over your awful attitude.
➤ G is for… good morning to the gals, non-binary pals and to the disappointments.
➤ H is for… how am i supposed to make big decisions when i still have to sing the alphabet in my head to get the right letter?
➤ I is for… it’s okay if you disagree with me, i can’t force you to be right.
➤ J is for… just do a face mask and move on.
➤ K is for… *kisses camera’s phone before turning off the live* kisses for you~ goodnight czennies! goodnight mr fbi man!
➤ L is for… ‘living well is the best revenge’, yeah sure, but obviously im not gonna do that, so what’s the second best? cutting their brakes.
➤ M is for… maybe i should stop flirting, i already owe like.. seven people a relationship.
➤ N is for… *looking at baekhyun* not today, satan.
➤ O is for… of course i have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I’ve been the same height since i was 12.
➤ P is for… please, imagine NOT liking me back… me… a whole beautiful, smart, hilarious, phenomenal, pretty woman… tragic.
➤ Q is for… question here: why does the grape juice doesn’t taste like grapes but instead tastes like purple? and why does the strawberry scent exists if strawberries smell like nothing?
➤ R is for… remember when ‘a series of unfortunate events’ was a book and not your life?
➤ S is for… sorry i roasted you, i was trying to flirt.
➤ T is for… that’s so sad bestie– anyways, stan shinee for a better life and clear skin!
➤ U is for… *reading a comment* ‘unnie, can you please recommend a book that made you cry?’ sure! it’s called ‘new general mathematics.’
➤ V is for… vampires are always like ‘i could kill you if i wanted’ like? yeah, so could hendery, so could a dog, so could a dedicated goose. you aren’t special, dude.
➤ W is for… why is the climate tryna change? just be yourself~ *proceeds to do a finger heart*
➤ X is for… xiaojun is talking, everyone shut up!
➤ Y is for… you made this personal when you told me you didn’t like one direction.
➤ Z is for… zookeepers concept? more like, zookeepers sub unit and that’s wayv; they own two cats, one dog and a whole wild yangyang there.
#kpop female addition#nct au#nct#kpop addition#nct addition#nct female member#nct added member#nct female oc#nct oc#nct female addition#kpop added member#nct 127 addition
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im so inspired and in lovvveee w u (as a fan!! no parasocial shenanigans here I swear 🫶)
When they said they weren't doing any more DLC for the game, I wasn't sad, actually. I noticed there's a big divide of peeps who like the game right? I realized this when I saw there were people who *always* play Durge and think it 100% hands down better than Tav, and seeing in the forum why people actually *liked* playing Tav over Durge, And it's like because Tav can be anyone with any story. Durge is really just a customizable pre-existing character (That's why they're under origin character, right?)
So that's what I realized the divide of people. There's always going to be certain people who prefer to play Something with a pre-existing story, people who don't enjoy the extra work of making your own character. But for people who do, the lack of DLC is disappointing but not a big deal. Because ask someone who has always enjoyed making her own characters, The end of a story is never really the end for me. And all that jibber jabber to say I see it in YOU too, and I looooooovvvve it! You're such a good writer and it's fabulous 🫶
though, as someone previously non-experienced with D&D, I do admit that makes imagining the future a little bit harder, despite, What really is probably one of the most Fanfiction-Friendly properties 😂
I did want to ask for advice on that if you have any to spare! Like, for example, I'd love to write about my own Tav and Karlach rolling around in Avernus, but I have no idea where to start even looking 😭
:O This was a fun message to receive! c: I appreciate so much that you like my writing and reached out. <3
You def make an interesting point about the Durge vs Tav experience. I think there's a lot of room for character headcanon even when you're playing Durge tbh (certainly I'm enjoying giving Rakha her own sense of personality and such), but you're right that it adds a bit more of a "built-in" framework for people who prefer that kind of experience and not having to think too much about the character details.
(It also, without giving too much away, is very representative of the character experience in BG1/2 - which was more of a Tav/Durge mix, really.)
But yeah, I also feel okay about the lack of DLC because there is lots of room to come up with the story I want outside of the events of the game. :)
As far as advice - I think you're asking specifically for advice on writing within the Forgotten Realms world and D&D sphere in general? Tbh I am not the hugest expert on the subject myself; there is a lot more FR lore than just what comes up in this series and I am by no means familiar with most of it.
My practical advice would be to point you towards the Forgotten Realms wiki, which is where I get most of my info that I can't get from the game's own dialogue. (Sadly it's a fandom.com wiki - if anyone else has other resources that particularly like for FR lore I would love your comments also!) There's lots of info in there that I've drawn from when needed for my fics.
On a more general level though - honestly I think my best advice is to get comfortable with the idea of getting lore wrong. We love to play in this sandbox but we're allowed to bring our own toys too. :D So if something feels like it'd make a better story by being a certain way, then fuckin go for it. :) Any reader who wants to make a stink about details being off isn't actually there to appreciate your story anyway. And the vast majority of readers are there in good faith to see what you're going to come up with and enjoy it. :)
(I've been thinking about this a lot in the context of writing "Open Your Eyes", because they're off to Calimport now and I have realized I know nothing about Calimport. XD So I've been studying the wiki a lot but I've also made an executive decision to not stress myself overly about it and focus on making the setting work for the story and not the other way around. I dont really mind if someone ends up letting me know (politely) that I missed the mark on something, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it if I'm pleased with the story regardless. :D )
I hope this is the sort of answer you were looking for! Sending very supportive vibes for your writing adventures also. c:
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I'm not sure how to post the other things so I'll put this is an ask.
My name is Munchkin. I was a very active hellfire member sometime between 2021-2022.
I made a lot of friends on the server and I was genuinely happy for awhile. I tried to keep out of the way and stay nice, though I definitely got ahead of myself some times.
I'd like to apologize to anyone who i might've offended, even if I don't remember what I did it was probably wrong and I'm sorry. I know I got pretty hissy at alot of times, though I'd like to think I've cooled down a lot.
I came to hellfire when a friend showed it to me, and I ended up staying since I was going through a rough spot.
Im disgusted and disappointed with the amount of people being exposed, especially since I knew and played with a few while I was ever so peacefully oblivious.
I do agree with what someone said on here; No one on hellfire was really a good person. People have changed, some were nicer than others, sure, but everyone had their moments where they'd do something. I'm not saying everyone was a bad person, but we weren't great.
Its best to own up to that, I feel.
I can't say I'm upset or sad over this ending. Hellfire was great, amazing even, staying around was one of the best decisions I've made, but it became less of a welcoming realism server and more of a strict fantasy server.
I knew it was burning awhile ago, and have only stuck around to see the end. Since we've finally reached that end, it's time to move on and find a new server.
I have little care for what comes of this, but since I see other people making posts I figured I'd make one too.
May everyone who's never done anything creepy or disgusting have a great day
.
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Hi babe, its me hi! I hope you’re okay wherever you are. Reading you say how demotivated you are recently because Tumblr has been empty disheartens me for some reason. You saying you want to leave.. well its really your decision if you want to, if you think its best for you and if it will make you happy. Then I will support you even if its going to make me sad that one of my fave writers will go. Tbh a lot of writers just left without a trace and I wonder where they are, hoping they’re ok regardless. We all outgrow something at some point in our lives and if you want to focus on something else, that’s ok too.
Took me a few days to reach out because when I saw your post I was sad.. maybe disappointed. I wished you would have been happy with “just us”, and accept that people come and go. But I realised after a while that you’ve given us so much happiness and love the past few years you’ve spent with us and sharing us your stories. And that’s enough. I just hope if you decide to leave the platform, that you’ll tell us!! So i dont go crazy wondering if you’re okay. Im okay as long as I know you’re okay!! Hope that makes sense 🤣🤣 ily my dearest angel, cheers to 2023 🫶🏼
awh babe.. i feel so incredibly bad for making you feel like you're not enough or that i'm ungrateful :( the truth is, the one and biggest reason i'm still here is because of you guys. if i was to leave, it would 100% not be bc i'm not happy with you, i can promise that!! the reason i got demotivated was because the dash was super empty. i'm super okay with ppl coming and going, but since this summer (?), it's been a ghost town and i wonder what happened (not just on my blog, but in general). :( it's like, logging in and not knowing what to do bc nobody's around...
but it's absolutely not bc of any of you 🥺 you've given me so much love, care and support the last few years and i will always be grateful for it. like i'll legit be 40 one day and thinking back to all those wonderful moments we shared!! i love love love you all so fkn much, and i'm not kidding when i say that you all showed me that someone does care. i feel valued and even idk... precious, you know? so please know that if i left, it wouldn't be bc of you and like.. this love you've been giving me genuinely has the power to change my mind 🤧 i'll never dip like that, pinky promise. i keep having ups and downs all the time (wanna stay forever... wanna leave tmrw.... wanna stay..) but either way, i'm gonna update you, no matter what 🤍
#that's truly how you guys feel..? 🥺 like i make you happy?#bc reading that i gave you all happiness made me tear up :')#love you#notes for rid 🌹#anon
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a better update
it is December 28, 2022 n my year has been a big learning lesson.
a lot of it, most of it, really hurt.
I chose myself a lot this year and completed my year’s resolution which is to set boundaries. I honestly dont understand why I took this long to act upon the things I want 4 myself but im not surprised. im a very stubborn person and all I do is deflect by creating a different scenario in my brain. das why ive been in this continuous cycle of getting played by the game and I jus..let it happen. I craved things that were not ready 4 me and it made me realize how I keep repeating it LMAOOO but this year I broke some serious habits and reenforced the comfortability of my space.
therapy helped a lot (shout out Tina Merced, you are a very kind woman. u are one of the only people who has figured me out..) and having a positive feedback ab my decisions and how I think helps me understand myself.
it felt (past tense/explain later) really good to just focus on what I plan 2 do next year. last year I just really wanted to show up 4 everyone more so I ended up acting upon emotion rather than balancing it out w/ what’s realistic. *I forgot what word 2 use in the last sentence so I went on my phone to change the song and then I remembered. I'm listening 2 defibrillator by smino*
anyways, yeah this year I showed up for myself even if it hurt a lot to let go and I feel a lil lighter. im guilty of a lot, especially how present I am in my rlsps, and I am still for a bit more, but im doing better and those close 2 me see it.
I said this all in past tense because Im a lil hurt right now, but it's just an owie.
I allowed myself 2 give someone a benefit of the doubt and I feel as if they abused it a little. I know when I reread this in the future 2 reflect, I'll know exactly what im talking about. rather than feeling sad, im SO disappointed. i was feeling a lil better and I thought that would be okay, but I shouldn't disregard my accomplishments cus they're worthy of celebrating. allowing myself to forgive but just being proven right is horrible. it was a real wake up call to continue my self love journey cus I was getting some where and it was somewhere good. my best friend told me that “I know youre a good person and you do too so u dont have to give people multiple chances to prove that” and it struck hard (but 4 the better).
I appreciate the transparency that I have w/ my friendships cus w/o it, I probably wouldn't b able to keep myself accountable, but I have been recently and thats why 2023 is going to be a good year.
I wonder what karmic situations im going 2 be in. im not anticipating bad, but I can handle some lessons. im allowing myself 2 learn and thats my true end goal.
at the end of the day, im just figuring it out. I dont think im doing that bad, but some reassurance would b amazing. I know I am worthy of everything I desire. to have, to feel, to experience. Im going 2 move forward so I can live better 4 myself. by doing that, taking this time, I can show up better. I want 2 do better, b better, all the things ive imagined myself to b. I cant believe I spent so much time settling 4 what I have cus Im constantly validated.
the issues r real. I need 2 tell Tina ab this bcuz it makes so much sense. people pleasing cus nothing I ever did pleased my dad. that shit hurtsss, not gonna lie. but thats what I mean, im learning more and applying what I have 2 in my life and its working. by realizing that the pattern exists bcuz I dont rly speak or ever knew that was an issue.
it hurts a bit 2 realize that someone who was a part of my life is now booted out of the next year. in pain bcuz I sat through conversations of him telling me how much he loves me, and how I cld b his polly pocket so he could take me everywhere, and how his family loves me, and all these other things and he STILL ran w/ what he wanted. honesty is the best policy and this lil set up pushed me to let go and let live. I wish I cld cry more, im purging the fuck outta this because I cannot let it repeat anymore.
I also learned that some people only last so long in your life bcuz of how you coexist together. cutting ties w/ ppl you used to b family with takes a piece of you that dissipates like the rlsps thats gone. sounds dramatic, but that breakup was horrible.
also, my dating life was quite the shit show. had my hinge phase, coworkers phase, toxic situation ship (two of those..at the same time but in my defense I was nvr asked 2 b a gf.), & my celibate phase.
I nvr intended 2 dissect but it was rough 4 everyone I know and myself. im blessed enough 2 be surrounded by people who want whats best 4 me cus the goal is something we all agree on.
2022 you helped me show up 4 myself better.
2023 were going 2 show up better for ourselves and those around us.
ive realized so much (1:11am , im sry in advance) & Ima share w/ some privacy of course. high school situationships r finally cut and I jus cant believe it but im happy 4 everyone whos living in love. realizing im the problem , speaks for itself. im officially tired. thats an update 4 ya
my fit 2day
goodnight
happy new year
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i know that 7 identities test thing is total bullshit especially since it includes intersex (a biological aspect) in a gender identity test
but i took it anyway cuz im avoiding going to sleep and i felt so much relief when i saw the 93% transgender result.
(fuck this post got long heres a readmore)
i gaslight myself all the time and an idiot lives in my brain who shouts at me to just put up with being a girl and live a normal life on easier mode and make everyone around me happy and more comfortable
ive been haunted by the girl thoughts almost as much as I was haunted by the boy thoughts when i was nb and they both make me want to cry.
but the boy thoughts crying was about fear, and the girl thoughts crying was about sadness and disappointment and giving up. i think thats really important. im scared to be a boy but if i give up and be a girl it will feel like im self harming. i tried staying in the middle as nonbinary but i just..... suit being a boy. i sit like a boy and i laugh and joke like a boy. im a boy like how omar rudberg is a boy. i think swooshy capes and skirts are neat. if i passed as a boy, I'd wear dresses. genuinely the only thing stopping me from wearing whatever i want is the fear that I'll be called "miss" or "that lady" because thats.... not me. but I'm not an idiot, i know what society is like. If I wear feminine clothing i will be misgendered.
my idiot brain parasite tells me im mentally ill and im trans because of it. or im trans because my IUD fucked with my hormones. or im trans cuz i might have pcos. i sometimes hope i get a pcos diagnosis because it would take the pressure off of making the decision myself. i could use it as an excuse. some scientists consider pcos to be an intersex condition.
ouran high school host club was always so special to me because i wanted to belong platonically in a group of men. i had a group of male friends in high school but my G cups prohibited me from ever truly belonging. 4 of the guys in that group confessed their feelings to me. They were all straight. It was alienating.
when i was little, i played house with my best friend next door. I was always the daddy and she was always the mummy. I never questioned it.
I played DnD with my ex boyfriend and his friends. One night they made a joke about me getting spit-roasted. everyone laughed. It reminded me that no matter what I would always be Othered by men.
I have a close friend who is a trans man. I knew him before he began his transition. when I was nonbinary he'd jokingly call me brother and sir in the group chat, unaware of my massive smile and my beating heart that confused the hell out of me. why did i love being called sir? why did it make me smile so wide?
I watched heartstopper and saw myself in Nick. that show made me cry so hard. It's so soft and warm.
When I was nonbinary i was haunted by The Boy Thoughts. I dared not even think them, yet they sneaked in like water between the cracks of the arid desert. If I ever gave those thoughts the time of day I would burst into tears without fail. That was a little hint. I was so so scared. Nonbinary was safe, charted territory. my older sibling had just come out as NB. but it never fully settled with me. never clicked.
When I was 12 i was very lonely. so lonely in fact that i had an imaginary friend called Kai. He came to ballet class with me and stayed with me on the bus. He comforted me when I cried myself to sleep and waved at me in the mirror. I dressed up as him once in the secret of my bedroom. I took one look in the mirror and let the fear take over. When I was told I was moving to another country I had a talk with Kai and I left him in England with a tearful goodbye. Turns out he followed me here too.
When I was 17, I picked men's glasses at the optometrist while my dad was away for a moment. When he came back he shouted at me in the store. I stood my ground but the glasses were ruined for me. I still wonder what the staff thought of my dad and I.
I asked my mum to cut my hair short when I was 7. She gave me a bob and I hated it, so she refused to cut it short again. I didn't know what I wanted but a bob wasn't it.
eventually she let me cut it short again when i was 16. It was still too long and it looked awkward. I made the best of it though, and my favourite selfies were the ones where I looked like a boy.
When I was in year 11 my high school finally allowed female students to wear pants in winter. We previously had to wear skirts. I was ecstatic and expected lots of girls to do it. I was the only one but I didn't mind, I was finally comfortable.
I have a very low voice when I'm speaking naturally. I had assumed that it was an unattractive feature until my partner told me he was bi and thought my low voice was hot. it opened a door for me, because I thought the only way for me to be attractive and to be loved was to lean into my femininity.
I have big boobs and an hourglass figure and big hips and pink lips. I was taught that i had to dress to my figure and fix my masculine traits in order to be loved (see: less lonely) but I always felt empty and used and disgusted when men were attracted to me in that presentation. I thought that was a universal experience.
Last weekend I dressed up for a birthday dinner. I wore a lace shirt and a well fitted blazer over my binding tape. I never felt so genuinely sexy.
I think I'm a boy.
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rant piece
i made the wrong fucking choice i actually cant believe it, i was so focused on proving my parents wrong that i convinced myself it would never work with you and now im regretting so badly. i focused on the attention he was giving me but really he never did anything for me like you did, we went on three damn dates in a day, you flew across the country to come see me, you let me pick any book at coles as an early birthday present, you tried to give me everything but i wanted my parents to be wrong so badly that i ignored it for him and he was new and cute and he seemed to like me and you literally told me you didnt have feelings for me why did you do that i probably wouldve chosen you if i knew you felt the same way.
i found the pin i got at the museum with you. i found the pictures i took of you in the weird red room with all the lizards in it. ive been thinking about the used book store a lot lately. i was talking to a friend who i thought i had feelings for and we started talking about book stores and i was struck with an inconsolable sadness at the memories of being there with you for hours, trying to find the right books.
i found the videos and pictures from the mock prom, how well you got along with my friends and how you looked in your suit, how excited you were for that night
i remember how angry your mother was when i chose him over you and i thought she was crazy at the time but she was right, i made the stupidest decision of my life when i picked him.
you came to a baseball game with my family and you dont even like baseball for fucks sake, an hour ride 3 hour game and hour ride back who would do that if they didnt have fucking feelings for someone.
i had to spend an hour and a half sitting in a hotel hallway trying to calm down his anxiety about my relationship with you while you tried to give me everything and lied to my face that you had a girlfriend just to try and protect my feelings.
why did you have to go and say you didn't have any feelings for me when i told you that day.
and now youre in your 20s and you have a girlfriend and youre probably gonna get married and im gonna regret it for what feels like forever.
i made the wrong choice and i dont know what to do
i cant tell my parents and i cant tell you because youre probably gonna marry her and you talked to me about her like shes the best person in the whole world so yeah im definitely not, you live on the other side of the country so ill probably never see you again so yeah i blew it.
you made a playlist for me of all kinds of songs you liked and 80% of them were love songs and i thought it was nothing when EVERYTHING you were doing and saying pointed to having some kinds of feelings for me but i dumped it all for him because i was scared of my parents saying they told me so.
and i certainly cant tell him because what the hell is he gonna say, im sorry you decided to waste a year on me while your real love was off making a life for himself?
i dont even know if i love you i just know that i missed out on something good just because i was scared
i convinced myself you were too much like david, that you werent even cute, excuses upon excuses when really i was just scared and i felt like he was the safer choice because there would be so much less people disappointed if it went south
for gods sake he wouldnt even dance with me at prom and now all i can think about is dancing with you at that mock prom that i thought was so stupid, i ruined all my mom's planning and probably shattered all your hopes for the night, i wish id worn my prom dress and let it happen because obviously it was supposed to
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Liar.
Change is promised, but never seen
His ice blue eyes holding false sincerity
"I won't go out tonight", "I won't see them", "I won't stay long"
Liar
I sit waiting, for a call that was promised
but it never comes
Funny, you keep disappointing me, but I never fail to trust you each time
I put everything into you, I put my whole life into you, into us.
I CHANGE FOR YOU
I do my best. I am NOT perfect but I do my best.
And you...
You lie.
I say I wanna talk, you say "later I promise"
and later never comes
I say we have problems, you say "I don't see one"
You say its in my head, you tell me I'm overeacting, and overthinking and I BELIEVE you because that's just how insecure I am
You tell me not to let myself question what I know, and then you make me do just that
I KNOW something is wrong. I can read you, I can read you well.
I KNOW not everything is in my head.
I know you love me, even tho I question that and you help me get back into reality
But I also know, our relationship is messed up, it's got problems and holes and I wanna talk, and mend them and tell you things I never dare say out loud, because I fear you'll turn me away and tell me I have everything upside down. Like you always do.
You say you're here for me, but you never wanna talk when it gets emotional. You'll comfort me but never admit when something is wrong.
You liar.
Why can't you be serious? Why can't you be honest? Why can't you stop being such a man and ADMIT there is a PROBLEM?
Why do you lie to me and say everything is fine. The same way you lie to me about going out, and staying the night at a friends house.
The same you lie to me and tell me you'll call me when you get home and you never do.
and it's always "I fell alseep", "My phone died", or "I forgot"
I've accepted those excuses for a year and a half, which ironically is how long we've been together.
But I can't anymore. You should've learned by now, to charge your phone, and to think of me before you sleep, and to not leave me WORRIED about you! Just like you should've learned by now, to open up to me, and it's okay to be emotional, and that you don't have to LIE!
And I feel in such a large way its my fault. That I'm too selfish and focused on me, I don't give you enough chances, or enough time to talk about yourself and your feelings, and I don't even know what I expect you to say. But you never complain, you never cry, you never do anything.
Some would say that I should be grateful for that, but they wouldn't be saying that if they were in my shoes. If they loved someone as much as I love you, they'd be just as worried, that something is seriously WRONG. Because it is! You're not acting human.
EVERYBODY COMPLAINS, and it bothers me that you don't. And I know you have something to complain about,
and go ahead.
Say "I just want to focus on the positive"
I can respect that. I can accept your decision to not be negative.
what I can't accept is that you treat my problems as invalid.
You run away when I want to complain, you're not there WITH me when I'm feeling wronged, or sad, or alone. And I feel like a burden to you. And when I want someone to share this with, you're my go-to.
Because you're my person.
But you just shut me down, and tell me to shut up. Tell me to stop.
That's not fair. and it hurts.
And when I try to tell you about the things you do that bothers me.
Like going out, and not talking to me. Like you not seeming to ever think about me the way I think about you.
I NEVER forget to text or call you, I NEVER let my electronics die, and if it happens, I find a way to tell you, to let you know what happened so you're not worried.
I ALWAYS tell you when Im going out, and I ALWAYS tell you when I make it home.
It's really not hard. It's not.
You have no more excuses. Not anymore.
And when I try to tell you this, when I try to resolve it. To feel heard, and understood,
you make unfullfilled promises.
every.
single.
time.
and I fall for it, and believe you, and set myself up to be dissapointed
every.
single.
time.
I just want to understand you. I want to understand why.
and you've made it abundantly clear, that I never will.
Because, you may promise to change, but you never try.
Liar.
#rant#random thoughts#what is going on#why do i do this to myself#i love him#mental illness#unfair#original post#screw this#tired
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'Im disappointed to lose this building': Barbours General Store in Saint John set to be torn down
Barbour’s General Store in Saint John, N.B., won’t be around to see the city’s newly-developed waterfront.
While an official date has yet to be determined, the historic structure is set for demolition to make way for a new welcome centre at the end of King Street.
“I’m disappointed to lose this building,” says Saint John City councillor David Hickey. “I never wanted us to end up in a situation where that building had to be torn down.”
The decision is more than a year in the making following a fire in January 2022 that has left the building vacant and boarded.
While the structure is on city land, the building is owned by GE Barbour Inc., who determined demolition was the best course of action rather than relocation.
Extensive fire damage is believed to have played an ultimate role in the building’s future.
Once the structure is torn down, a public park area, designed by Brackish Design Studio, will be implemented in the plaza for the remainder of 2023. A permeant site solution will begin the following year.
“What we really want to make sure we are doing is we have public space access while Market Slip and Fundy Quay behind me are under construction,” Hickey said near the site. “Once that public access and Market Slip and Loyalist Plaza is done, then we will be able to move here.”
ACRE Architects have begun work designing a new welcome centre for the area, which is set for construction in 2024. The design concept know as “The EDDY” will create a modern welcome centre complete with public washrooms, among other possibilities.
“It’s really about making this site, which is really the entrance into our uptown for both tourist and locals,” Hickey says. “A spot where people can come together. Where there’s the meshing of the new design of Fundy Quay with the old and our heritage district in really showing what our city has to offer.”
The overall cost of the project between the park space and future welcome centre is tentatively set to come in around $2 million.
While many are excited for the city’s continued growth, some residents say they are sad to see a historic city structure go. Greg Marquis is the board president for the New Brunswick Historical Society and says he learned about Barbour’s future through the media.
“What makes Saint John different from any place else? One of the things is Barbour’s,” says Marquis.
“We may be losing this sort of heritage property that we have had and has been a draw for tourists since 1967," he added.
The University of New Brunswick history professor worked at Barbour’s at one point in his life and says seeing another historical site leave Saint John is troubling for him.
“This issue of the waterfront starting to look like a generic North American waterfront,” he says. “That is one of my concerns - that we just get this generic cookie cutter approach, how is that still Saint John?”
While Hickey acknowledges the sadness of seeing Barbour’s go, he looks forward to witnessing the future of the quickly-growing city.
“I think it’s really exciting,” says Hickey. “It’s really, for me, about finding that balance and finding that right solution for protecting the reason people are in Saint John and the charm of Saint John, while at the same time ensuring we are taking advantage of our growth opportunities.”
There is no set timeline for the completion for any phase of the project.
For more New Brunswick news visit our dedicated provincial page.
from CTV News - Atlantic https://ift.tt/E1Ts9PU
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It’s hard to have motivation when you feel like you never gonna improve, reach your goals.
I felt that so deeply yesterday. I was feeling it more in the past week. But yesterday because of seeing everyone, it just made it ten times worse. Seeing everyone being so talented, booking things. I mostly sat awkwardly, listening to them and not knowing anything they talked about. I felt so behind. You have to know people in this industry, know series and films and plays too. I felt extremely stupid. Also, hearing that the last best gen is my past class made me feel so bad about my decision.
I hope I didn’t fucked up everything. I want to sob, cry, destroy fucking everything. Why are they so good? Am I good enough? Cause I’m so sleepy again, I constantly wanna sleep. I don’t feel like doing anything. I lost motivation to do anything. It’s disgusting, I’m disgusting.
I was also so awkward. Why? The awkwardness, not knowing what to do is just sad to see. I want that extrovert energy. It’s just disappointing to see myself being so behind every-time. I thought maybe I’m little closer to them this time! But no. Im not. And now I feel the need to get a good agency as fast as possible but what if I get a better one in school? Would I have a better chance to get a good agency in school under the university’s name? And you know what the annoying thing is that when I ask these things they don’t answer? Like obviously there is an answer. Yes, no or it doesn’t matter and tell me why it doesn’t matter. It’s not fucking hard! Saying “do what it feels the best” is not a fucking answer and you are not helping me.
I guess right what I can do is get into Turkey’s acting industry, book roles. Search good agencies in Canada. Search and rehearse for a scene, dialogue.
Do theater in Turkey too, shoot films. Apply to festivals, competitions, auditions. Apply to auditions in Canada. Apply for winters semester. Exercise, exercise, exercise, exercise! Take headshots, book headshots first of course beforehand.
Networking a lot. Also, finding Kurdish artist, finding a Kurdish scene to do. Attend classes. See if your agency can be 1 year contract bc what if I get a better agency after in university?
I can’t stop because also the people I’m gonna be with that year is hardcore actors. They are extremely good. And I cannot be a weight on them. I don’t want to be something miserable. I HAVE TO BE GOOD!
And also I need to make money! Ffuuuccckkkk I have to do all of this and prove everyone wrong that I’m good and talented!!!!!! I need to be good, actually no I HAVE TO BE FUCKING AMAZING!!!
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i finished bridgerton and im sad. im sad because i feel like lady danbury deserved more... and im scared that my life will end up like hers. i dont know. i feel like we all deserve more than a life without love.
today was so hard. every day feels so hard lately. im so overwhelmed with emotions, and ive been punishing my sister. im sad that i wasted our time together being like this but she was annoying me too... but she doesnt deserve to feel like a problem, or like she has to step on eggshells around me. i keep on facing this darkside of myself and its disappointing and shameful. im selfishly angry and aggressive and mean. i need to loosen up on others, and be kinder, and warmer, and all those good things that i feel like arent being provided to me. im sad shes leaving tomorrow cause i dont know when well see each other again. probably in 3 months... i hope. last time was 6 months ago... it will fly by!
in this economy its getting harder and harder to see the people we care about. but shes only a flight away...! i dont know. i guess its sad feeling so distanced again now that were changing and we dont talk as much. i want to be there for her but were going through entirely different situations.
im frustrated by my lack of a backbone. i hate my job but i do nothing about it. UGH! i hate the types of men im attracting yet i dont send them away, i open my life to them. when i know that by doing so i leave no space for the keanu reaves/oscar isaac/tom hardy types that i know i want and deserve. UGH! what happened to the bad bitch with a good music taste, amazing style, sexy attitude and too cool for school vibes? i completely lowered myself to feel validated by pathetic boys, only to wonder why i feel like nothing when i realise their validation means nothing. in fact, it actually lowers my worth, because now i think that i belong in their league.
i win at life when i realise my focus could be on myself instead of boys and relationships. i cant help it im a horny hopeless romantic! i miss the days where i was consumed by my stories enough to distract me from the real thing. now im indecisive over a dilf that i absolutely know is not the right decision for me.
anyways, yes, im sad and pathetic and wallowing in all my annoying and inconvenient emotions because im a woman and im definitely not living up to my full, amazing, beautiful, incredible, awesome potential. ONE DAY! one day. ugh. thats what makes it all so much worse, honestly. knowing everything im capable of, but sitting here idly being bored and drained by my lack of stimulation. its such an easy thing to fix, no? im surrounded by distractions. i just need discipline, to detach myself from this addiction to distraction. i managed to free myself from weed and bad people. even cigarettes, though that never really counted for me, i was never addicted, i am strong willed. i can free myself from this too! i am already so dedicated to my body, making myself the strongest i can be to feel my best and most confident. but the final piece of the puzzle is strengthening my mind, and my wit. wow.
this feels like such a revelation now that ive managed to conceptualise it. like all this time ive been so lost, and confused, and wondering what was missing from my awareness, to help me understand what ive been doing wrong. its this! i need to dedicate myself to my mind. it will solve everything ive ever felt insecure about! i will be a better writer, i will be a better student, a better marine biologist, a better friend, a better guest, a better partner, a better employee, a better person. a better creative. and a better divine being. because with knowledge comes connection to all things...
im figuring it out. im on my own path and timeline. and ill take it step by step. and one day ill look back and smile and laugh and cry about the journey ive managed to complete, all on my own. always on my own. because i am a strong, independent, magical woman. with music to heal and soothe me, and those who came before me to teach me and guide me, and my loved ones to support me and celebrate me, i will accomplish everything i ever dreamed or wished for! like i always said so. i am determined. i am determined. i am capable of anything i put my mind to. i will expand my knowledge, and become a makeup artist, and become a marine biologist, and get my divers certificate, and do beautiful makeup for my beautiful friends, and create endless stories, and memories, and love, and acceptance, and nurture myself as a gorgeous flower only learning to bloom.
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games. video games
truly getting so mad at engage has released me from having any sense of expectation for the writing in fates. i am not trying to defend it because it's sloppy and disjointed and deeply inconsistent and nonsensical but i can at least kind of grok what intsys thought they were doing. here is the Good Japanese Ethnostate and here are the unquestionably evil Bad People (not Japanese) who steal children. are you the player going to return to the good and pure and righteous land of your birth where everyone was only ever kind to you or are you going to follow the bad and evil foster family who raised you through an a-z of war crimes? Is There A Third Way Available To Download For £17.99 On The Nintendo Eshop*? it's a bad premise and it's executed laughably badly but at least it has a premise
im still struggling to put my finger on what exactly about the engage story upset me so much but that might be because there's no one thing. it would always be a disappointment to follow such a narratively heavy and narratively interesting game as fe16/16w with a game that holds such contempt for the idea of interesting narrative. it was always going to feel bad when the trust that fe16 extended to its audience to engage with the story at the thematic level is followed by a game that neither trusts its audience nor believes it has any thematic level for them to read. the best comparison i could find for engage is 80s toy commercial cartoons, if Hasbro had found a way to charge you £50 just to watch it and everyone on the writing team hated children.
i keep reaching for words like "cynical" to describe engage but that's not right. engage is, ultimately, completely sincere about the pile of shit it's serving its players. it's also aware that it is serving them shit. you don't like it? you wanted something better than this? too bad. download fire emblem heroes on your mobile device to learn about all the other better games we don't want to sell to you.
fates has bad writing but it feels like that's a result of the thoughtless premise. when fates falls short it feels like it reached beyond its abilities, that making the story it wants to tell into something coherent and interesting would require far more radical thought than anyone was willing to give it. when engage falls short it's because it didn't care to try to do better. you've known Lumera for about ten minutes and you've been given no reason to care about her? she's going to get a seven minute long death monologue anyway. we played the sad music behind it. that's enough, right? you weren't expecting more than the shallowest, most perfunctory attempt to engage you emotionally, were you? who cares. download fire emblem heroes if you want to actually get to know her.
i could think of several ways to address the fundamental problems in fates' writing (make it explicit that Corrin IS sheltered and naïve and makes bad decisions! have the siblings push back instead of unanimously agreeing with them! lengthen the timeline to remove the need for the baby dimension! drop the Japanese Ethnostate Good framing and let there be some nuance in the relationship between Hoshido and Nohr!!!) but there is not much that could be done to make engage worth your time. sure, you could give Alear actual motivations and carry through on their arc instead of having every opinion they express be immediately dismissed so they retract then and do what they're told. you could tone down the truly nauseating hero worship and let them be a dynamic character in the story instead of a cipher for the player's sense of worth. you could think for fifteen seconds about the politics of Elyos and how the competing churches of Good Dragon and Bad Dragon actually function** so there are real stakes but ultimately however much you try to tidy up the presentation it will remain an extended advertisement for feh. that's all it is trying to be.
*no! there is not. lol
**the church of the divine dragon vs the church of bad dragon would be a way more interesting story. also let's be real: merrin wouldn't be on the divine dragon's side there
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hello, im early today 🫶🏻
it’s sad that your grandma’s parrot flew away that’s still a very cute memory of him 🥺🥺 parrots are so interesting and they’re all so pretty!! do you have a picture of him? if you do i would love to see it <3
that sounds extremely stressful in general but going in unprepared must have made it way worse 🫠 it sounds super interesting though!! do you listen to hearings a lot or is it infrequent? i took a law class (i can’t remember exactly what it was for) when i was in university and i had to go listen to a hearing for part of my final exam and i liked it a lot even though i wasn’t studying/had any interest in law fjshsjs also im not currently studying!! i was halfway through my third year before covid lockdowns started and i decided i wasn’t really interested in what i was studying anymore so i was supposed to be figuring it out but again..covid. so im kinda just working and avoiding figuring out if i want to go back to school fjdhd
i look forward to hearing about the canva thing 💗💗
-✨holiday pal✨
Hello
I unfortunately don't have a photo of him so have this sticker instead. He flew away some 6-7 years back.
Right now during my internship, I spend the day at the city court. So i get to see multiple hearings in a day. My internship is for 30 days and it's getting over next week.
What was it that you're studyin? All the best for whenever you decide to sit down and have a think about it and all the best for whichever decision you make💕💕💕 how does that work exactly? I don't know how universities work wherever you live. You can take a class of something entirely unrelated to what you're actually studying??
The canva thing is that I was fucking tired of it the first time I did the work for a post. I made edits here on tumblr, i stopped because of some random comments i got and now I don't have time anymore but i really enjoyed it because I was doing it for something i like. Unfortunately, the society that I am in, the literature and debate society has been an utter disappointment at best. I was really enthusiastic about it but the postholders barely care about getting the society together and involving us, the first years who have no idea what goes on until the last moment where they need us to take part in a vote from the whole society to decide something we didn't know was being discussed in the first place. I never used canva before this and there are moments where I get into it but then I remember what I'm making the post for and i cant help but get utterly frustrated.
But enough with the negativity. I take my tiffin prepared by Maa with me everyday to court but today I ate outside with the junior advocates and law clerks and though the food wasn't great, the experience was great fun. And I also ate half of a great sandwich today courtesy of a special day at my father's office.
Currently I'm trying to get through a book about the arbitration and conciliation acts in India, it's interesting but I'm too slow. I need to write a review of it to submit in time but I get exhausted after coming back from court.
Tell me more about you? Anything at all? What's your favourite drink? I forgot to ask you the questions you asked me- what kind of music do you like??
Oh wow found another great sticker to add to the repertoire
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003: You did Subaru, what about Sakurano😊
(And what about Hotaru? Did you do her yet?)
yes i can do sakurano, absolutely!
003
How I feel about this character: sadly, sakurano isnt very important, but i think hes cool! hes very mysterious. i kinda feel like we missed out with him though.
Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: subaru. idk if sakurano interacts with many other ppl his age to begin with. he has slim pickings lol
My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: oooh his and subaru's bond with yuka is so cute. i forgot to mention that for subaru as well. they are so cute as kids <3
My unpopular opinion about this character: uhhh i guess ill just say that when he was first introduced i thought he'd be more important lol. i kinda wish he had been :( sad.
One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: just in general i wish hed had more to do towards the end. i really did think the student council would be some mysterious, powerful organization, but we dont rly see very much of them at all. its kinda disappointing.
Favorite friendship for this character: he only ever hangs out with subaru so again i will put the student council trio!
and yes i can do hotaru as well!!!
003
How I feel about this character: idk how to talk abt her really but ill try my best. i do have my fair share of problems with some of her actions, but shes a kid so i forgive her (i always forgive kids. its just how i am). i like watching her become more emotionally open with mikan and her brother. ive been harsher with her before (ive NEVER hated or even disliked her, to be clear! in fact i love her) but my opinions on characters change depending on my mood. i learn smth new w every reread and this time i made sure to examine her closely and im more satisfied with her character development than i was before. i want to be a big hotaru fan! i just dont connect with her as much i guess.
Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: rly i only actively ship her with ruka.
My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: subaru ;-; they are the whole world to me. theirs is definitely my favorite of hotaru's relationships.
My unpopular opinion about this character: these days ig its kinda unpopular to ship her with ruka? i dont rly care; i think they suit each other very well.
One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i wish her ending had been different (obviously). it rly feels pointless ig... the whole thing feels rly pointless. yes it makes me cry, mainly for the sibling stuff, but its still not smth im fond of. i dont know what id have done differently but smth for sure.
Favorite friendship for this character: i sometimes feel like im too hard on the hotaru/mikan friendship but the truth is i DO like them, theres just something missing that leaves me unsatisfied. do not ask me what it is, i couldnt tell u. maybe its bc i dont connect with hotaru as much. i think my fav scene of theirs is during the escape arc when mikan tells her she has the telepathy alice and thinks she can hear her mom, and hotaru assures her that she can and that she'll see her soon. that scene is fully perfect. i do like them a lot. i also like her friendship with iinchou. her determination to help him during the z arc (to the point where she makes unreasonable decisions, which i always love for her) is so touching and moves me to tears. she loves idiots <3
#i get so sad about hotaru pls dont look at me#i wanna be a big fan like i am of the other main 4 kids. im working on it!#i aDORE her dynamic with subaru so i was trying to examine why i love them so much. couldnt tell u quite yet but it gets to me#sakurano shuichi#imai hotaru#ga#answered#ask games#doggocatloverwriter#thank u for sending me two! i rly love doing these games!#i should say that ive been a fan of ga for more than 12 years straight#i love almost every character#i love so many relationships platonic or romantic or familial#do not think i dislike hotaru! im not even ambivalent to her! its just harder for me to connect with her which is smth id like to change
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