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tomwambsgans · 2 months

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i'm ngl it's because i recently read fight club, But i'm thinking a lot lately about castration and the true/deepest implications of it irt nero and sporus and tom and greg. obviously we've got tom's line about greg being "castrated on pay" and some pretty solid analysis on that being a matter of tom keeping greg dependent on him, but tbh even with said meta posts...

like, i'm sorry, but it's a weak line. it feels just as strangely on the nose as shiv falling down the stairs, and in fact like a line that exists specifically to match shiv falling. it almost even seems like a last-minute rush to complete Following Up The Nero And Sporus Thing, like they did the first part and managed to get all the way to the last episode before realizing they'd forgotten to do the second thing, so they had to reach for anything they could relate castration to without having to film a new scene. this feels especially evident/likely in the fact that there is NO way greg's salary is actually getting docked to the degree that tom implied. it's markedly disappointing, too, in the way that setting it up with shiv literally falling down stairs had the audience looking forward to how the rest of the overt symbolism would play out. castration on pay was the most mundane and least expected possible conclusion, lol. and not at all on par with the literal fall. like if that is the castration we were actually waiting for the whole time...

it's also all overkill, for that matter, considering that the s3 finale fit "pushed his wife down the stairs and married sporus" thing perfectly fine and a perfect amount of vague. like tom ALREADY betrayed shiv, symbolically "killing" her, and had an ancient-roman-wedding-handshake agreement with greg about his soul. even tom and greg's initial dynamic in the final season often feels like that of a married couple. which begs the question: why have the stuff in s4 on top of that? it may very well be simply one of the many marks of s4's drop in quality, caused by a myriad of irl factors. or it could possibly be on purpose to specifically bring home something else about the nero and sporus story. maybe it's to reinforce the tomshiv divorce and also tom and greg's marriage after all the rapid shifts in dynamic. who knows.

but what i DO know is that i wanna get to the bottom (lol) of the castration symbolism/motif. so i'm gonna go through everything that could possibly inform the audience's interpretation.

i'll start with the least significant, which i believe is the reality of castration in ancient rome and in the circumstances around the irl nero and sporus. part of why this falls on the bottom rung is the fact that historical accounts of nero especially with sporus are hotly contested. another reason is that the story tom tells is one that not only omits many details in a technically misleading/recontextualizing way, but also adds details that are present in no known accounts.

so: WHY was sporus castrated? there are 2 main possibilities/reasons.

to maintain his youthful [and therefore feminine] beauty. the real sporus was most likely around 16 when nero had him castrated. and the practice of castration to preserve youth had precedence. basically, twinks were REALLY in. it's alleged that sporus may have already been more effeminate (and sexually attractive) than average. but it's also said that sporus bore an uncanny resemblance to poppaea, which nero chose him for specifically and wanted to maintain.

in order to marry him with legal/social sanction. ancient roman society, rather than being built upon the heterosexual, was more built upon the Top/generally masculine. Eunuch was a gender class/category essentially equivalent with Woman, which allowed sporus to specifically be nero's wife. this didn't mean that his marriage to sporus was necessarily seen as good and normal, only technically acceptable.

and i have a ways more to go with the analysis but i'm gonna say right here that i do not think the first reason bears any significance to tom and greg. firstly due to that there is no textual evidence that tom wants greg to be explicitly feminine, even compared to himself, and a LOT to the contrary. tom consistently invites greg to join him in performing masculinity and gaining power through it, case in point the "let's fight like chickens" scene that directly follows the nero and sporus story. secondly, sporus's possible resemblance to poppaea does not track to greg and shiv more than incidentally; greg being shiv's cousin doesn't directly earn tom anything. but more importantly, imo, is the fact that what would have made nero want sporus to look like poppaea is in direct contrast with both the story tom tells AND the way their arc plays out.

so NOW, to demonstrate this, let's look at the irl poppaea's death/murder, which happened during her second pregnancy. different historians (even those alive at the time) have different theories for how it went down. who knows how much truth they're based in, bc there's a clear heavy bias against nero, but they're all we have anyway and therefore all tom would have had. here they are:

nero kicked her in the stomach in a fit of rage, while she was fighting with him about how much time he spent at the races (main theory/rumor)

nero kicked her in the stomach in a casual outburst

nero "leapt upon her belly" either accidentally or on purpose

nero poisoned her (uncommon rumor, most likely bs)

she died through no fault of nero's at all, simply bc of complications with her pregnancy (this has the most evidence, and is believed by many modern historians)

you'll notice a complete lack of stairs-related death theories, and in fact a near total lack of Nero Purposefully Murdered Poppaea theories. the general idea is that nero deeply mourned poppaea's death (and was remorseful, if it was his own fault), and proceeded to replace her with sporus, even calling him by her name.

which feels like a good segue into the more significant story of nero and sporus to analyze: the one that TOM told.

Sporus was a young slave boy. He was Nero's favorite. And, uh... you know what Nero did to him? Well, Nero... pushed his wife... down the stairs. And then he had Sporus castrated and he married him instead. And he gave him a ring. And he made him dress up like his dead wife. ...I'd castrate you and marry you in a heartbeat.

without looking into the actual story, this would sound like nero murdering his wife in order to marry sporus. with bringing up sporus first, it even sounds like nero met sporus and started favoring him prior to killing poppaea. which is also overtly analogous to tom and greg's relationship arc.

despite what tom must have read in his book, and what one could very easily imagine him, a Wife Guy, latching onto in that book... tom isn't telling greg about the tragedy of an emperor who accidentally killed his wife and then had to replace her with a young boy. tom literally invents a method of death that there is NO preexisting source for. furthermore he chooses one that does not sound remotely unintentional. at best he keeps in line with themes that suggest a violent miscarriage. but he removes all notions of an accident. he turns it into an unambiguous, purposeful uxorcide.

so, since all notions of trying to keep sporus looking like poppaea are not only unfitting as potential parallels, but also utterly irrelevant to the version of events that tom tells, and since we know tom twists and omits many other details (like what happens just a year into their marriage) anyway... what reasons DOES tom have for bringing up castration in this story? here's the possibilities i can come up with:

to make it sound less overtly romantic through means of the bizarre. classic diversionary tactic. literally without the castration it would sound undeniably like he's just saying "i read about this ancient roman gay marriage. an emperor murdered his wife so that he could marry a boy. i would like to do that with you also :)"

to make it sound less gay, specifically, because of nero's power in the situation. this of course calls back to that second reason for the actual sporus to be castrated. it's not gay if i've made you a eunuch, greg.

to emphasize the cruelty on nero's end. tom often puts himself in the role of a villain, especially irt his behavior with greg. considering also that this whole scene follows tom talking about how he's going to prison (AND that the next time he calls greg sporus it's in the scripts before the diner scene, where he agrees to sacrifice himself and go down for greg), it would make sense for him to buffer this confession with the caveat of what a bad person he is, like express in SOME way how insane his feelings are and how terrible he knows it is that he feels this way about greg. tom is notoriously unable to make normal apologies either, so. it tracks.

i think all of these are true, and i'm sure most would agree. i'm also sure most who've read this far are in full agreement that tom fixated on the story of nero and sporus in particular because it was a gay relationship with just enough ambiguity that he's able to relate to it without panicking. hell, the "he gave him a ring" line alone doesn't even evoke an ancient roman marriage nearly as much as a modern american one. i can't find even any sources that specifically mention a ring from nero to sporus, so i imagine tom invented that as well.

BUT while i'm here i do still want to mention a couple other queer things about nero to drive home that it's not just incidental gayness but overt homosexual desire being portrayed, as well as to emphasize that second reason that the irl nero may have had to castrate sporus:

prior to knowing sporus, nero had a mock-wedding as part of festive role-reversals during saturnalia. in this wedding he took the role of a bride, marrying a different freedman.

this is apocryphal and practically historical fiction, and may also specifically be due to perceived deviancy in nero, but it's old enough (like 13th century) that it's lowkey in the nero "canon" that he had womb envy and was obsessed with being the one to get pregnant

okay so NOW... how does all this translate into the actual events demanded/foreshadowed/symbolized by this story? if pushing shiv down the stairs is the betrayal that keeps her from being able to block the gojo deal (but also shiv is shown to fall down a couple real stairs)... and marrying sporus is making the "deal with the devil" (AND the sticker on the forehead)... then what's the castration? what was the first, less on-the-nose-and-simultaneously-meaningless castration, at least?

my best answer is that it's tom getting greg to drop his brightstar buffalo plans and follow him instead. because if death is just corporate death, then your testicles/manhood is your independence. tom says you're a joke, you can't function on your own, you need me (i need you). he's insecure that greg will leave if he has the option to do so. fair enough.

......and yet i come back to my initial disappointment, because that is barely different than the pay castration. and it's redefining greg's symbolic testes to something that tom gave him in the first place, thus practically retconning the first castration. but if that's it, does shiv's literal fall also replace her kick out of the company? that would sure be stupid! is the point of rehashing the symbolism to be stupid? to have meaningless stuff follow up the more significant events? even if that was the case, wouldn't you at least be doing it to give a visual element to the symbols? if shiv gets actual stairs, WHERE are greg's actual balls? or ANY balls!!!! greg even started wearing grey suits which he hadn't done before (but shiv had), and got a "ring" in his final scene. where's the FUCKING balls, huh?????

(anyway)

occam's razor, i think, may be that the meaninglessness of the castration specifically is the point. tom's insecurity that greg will leave if he has the option to (that greg would never actually want him but only need him), has been present for basically the duration of the show. it's just a character trait, and thus doesn't even work as foreshadowing when that just means "he's gonna keep doing what he's been doing." then, take that second reason--the purely pragmatic, not based in heterosexual-adjacent desire reason--for nero to castrate sporus. aka the only reason that makes sense for the way tom spins the story.

(it's also a motivation that leaves room for not even actually doing it. sporus wasn't going through rapid masculinization or anything. and they only lived another year. you could get away with just claiming that you did it for a while, probably.)

i should say there IS technically a third reason, postulated by modern scholars, for sporus's castration: to intentionally humiliate a potential rival for the throne. imagine if tom had told greg about nero and sporus upon first meeting. obviously things changed very quickly, but if all castration is here is tom keeping greg on a tight leash, then it works. and if the castration is nothing, then greg nearly tanking tom's plan out of naivety can be a nothing version of sporus wanting revenge. and shiv falling down real stairs can, instead of actually intending to set up a meaningful castration, be a red herring in that regard and simply foreshadow her pregnancy.

and that could be it. but... i've got One More Thing. maybe the most significant of all. lightning round:

who or what, in modern day where tom and greg live, actually IS castrated?

animals

specifically dogs

hmmmmmm

and why are DOGS castrated?

to reduce sexual and territorial aggression

reduce other unwanted behaviors

to keep them from breeding

okay. think greg's newfound sexual confidence in s4 and tom's distaste for it. tom's continued anxiety that greg's independence might lead him to leave him. think greg being tom's attack dog and how that nearly backfires at the very end. greg approaching tom at the end like a begging puppy.

think full circle: who's the rescue pup, i'll take care of you, i've got you...

i feel justified in recontextualizing all of this, and i come back to fight club:

Valley of the Dogs. Where even if they don't kill you, if someone loves you enough to take you home, they still castrate you.

#tomgreg #lion in the meadow #with open eyes #meta #mine

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inkstaindusk · 4 months

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"wild card rinne and amnesiac velvet room hiiro" Please elaborate. I can't stop thinking about this!!!!

I borrowed that premise from this p4 souyo fic! (Obviously without the romance aspect) If you haven't clicked on the link, the idea is basically that wild cards who fail their journey become velvet room attendants and lose all their previous memories. In this AU, that's what happened to Hiiro.

Following that, Rinne begins his wild card journey and is quite upset when he enters the velvet room for the first time and sees his brother who is supposed to be in their village. He has a pretty antagonistic relationship with Igor due to this but it's not like he can do anything about it, plus he won't get any answers if he refuses to cooperate. His relationship with Hiiro The Velvet Room Attendant is a bit.... mixed. He missed his brother, he's upset that he's here, he's pleased that without memories he can talk to Hiiro almost like a normal person, he wants the brother who knows him back, he's desperate to find out what happened--and he is very angry when he finds out that this means Hiiro is dead.

During all this, Hiiro is mostly just confused and fascinated. He doesn't understand the wild card most of the time but he really likes him. He's sort of vaguely aware that there's something missing, that he's just a little bit lost and empty, and that the wild card provides a sense of peace and safety to him, but he doesn't think about it much. It never occurs to him to want for anything. Rinne does eventually ask if he ever wants to leave and is pleasantly surprised when Hiiro honestly considers it, but Hiiro decides that, for now, he's fine staying in the Velvet Room. The question does pique his curiosity though and since Igor doesn't deny him his curiosities, he begins to ask Rinne about the outside world whenever he comes in.

I'm thinking Rinne's journey starts immediately after Hiiro fails so alkaloid is still active and trying to do what they can without their leader. They run into crazy:b by coincidence inside the metaverse/midnight channel/whichever you wanna go with and join together. There's probably some suspicions about Rinne and Hiiro being brothers but Rinne acts so different that they're like nah.... he can't be.......

That's about it! I don't really have much of a plot here other than Amagi bro angst. There is something going on like, this isn't actually two journeys for two different wild cards but one extended journey but I.... don't have the details for that figured out. Tbh my brain is now on assigning alkakurei arcanas lol

#side note: crazyb use guns to summon their persona while alkaloid use cards #niki is like wtf why do you guys get cards #asks #anon asks #enstars lb #enstars #rinne amagi #hiiro amagi #ideas #amagi hiiro #amagi rinne #i guess i'll put #persona #in here too #au ramblings #fp.txt

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reluctantbimbo · 1 year

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So what kind of bimbo do you want to be

Sorry this took so long to answer! Wanted to put a lot of thought into it but kept getting distracted 😅 But yeah, what kind of bimbo *do* I want to be?

Part 1: The Mental/Personality side!

So, thinking about it, in a lot of ways, the bimbo self I imagine is a lot like how I already am, just more exaggerated and unburdened by anxiety and my over-analytical nature. Like, there's definitely extra aspects that are included as well, but a lot of aspects are seemingly already part of me, just subdued, if that makes sense. Like, I'm naturally cheerful and friendly, just wanna dial that up to bubbly! I'm kinda already a bit of an airhead, just wanna dial that all the way up to ditzy! There's other aspects too, like being dumber which I don't really think I have in a subdued form atm, but yeah, in a lot of ways my imagined bimbo self isn't as different from my current self as I might sometimes think 😅 As for the being dumber and stuff side of things, I definitely do wanna embody being dumber in like a general sense, while still being able to be smart when I really really need to. Cuz like, I have a lot of hobbies I really enjoy that require a degree of smartness, and I don't wanna give those up! And I also don't wanna be like totally brainless and unable to survive on my own or anything. I just want my default state to be more dumb and airheaded, less burdened with constant thinking and worrying and just getting to be more simple and in the moment, letting smarter people handle any of the complicated thinking, but also still being able to be smart when I want/need to be.

Part 2: The Physical and Fashion side!

As for outward presentation, I'm still kinda figuring that all out tbh! I'm definitely not opposed to the possiblity of things like breast augmentation and such, I just don't know how far I'd wanna go with any of that, I just know I don't wanna go too crazy far or like cartoonishly over the top. No shade to anyone who does like that style of course, it's just not for me personally. Fashion wise too, not really sure. I know I don't wanna lean towards the like trophy wife/super classy look, but also not the barbie/hyper feminine style. I think I lean a more towards a kinda e-girl esque style in terms of imagined bimbo fashion taste, but yeah, it's something I haven't quite figured out, especially since I'm like super not girly in my normal non-bimbo life. That's also why there tends to be a bit of variety in the posts I tag as "bimbo goals" cuz atm it's all sorta vague inspiration rather than a specific set in stone ideal.

But yeah, that's the gist of it! There's probably tons of details I could talk more about, I can ramble about this stuff forever, but this has already taken way too long to answer 😅 So, yeah, in summation, the kinda bimbo I wanna be is a very cheerful, bubbly, friendly, ditzy, naive, airheaded, exuberant, outgoing dummy who definitely leans girly but not like super duper girly, and just really likes being silly and dumb and having fun with those around me 😊

#anon ask #rb's ramblings #sorry again this took so long to answer!

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waheelawhisperer · 1 year

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I dig V7!Yang's bomber jacket and could *generally* roll with the coveralls, but that Vernal-callback garter & pokey-looking belt buckle still make me wanna mash the equivalent of a button keeping Meowth from evolving to Persian. Yeah, yeah, asymmetry, but there's plenty of that with her mitts & Blake-kerchief. Speaking of, that catsuit really did need a zipper around the midsection, not on every other edge of her coat.

Okay I guess it's time to finally explain why the Atlas outfits fucking bother me so much

Putting it under the cut so people who don't want to read criticism don't have to

I'll go into detail about the little things in a second, but the main issue I have is that they just do not make sense for fieldwork in the cold. Yeah, I know it's anime, I don't expect perfectly practical outfits at all times, but the series explicitly emphasizes the danger of the Solitas cold, so it bugs me that the outfits the characters wear, including the trained and experienced Atlesian Huntsmen (ffs Clover where are your sleeves), do not reflect the debilitating effects of being unprotected against the elements. If the threat of the cold wasn't specifically a plot point, I'd be more willing to handwave the outfits not being good at protecting against it and just assume Aura limited the effects of the temperature or something, but that's not the case. The way they actually set things up just makes the characters look stupid.

If you want to argue that a lot of the Atlas Volumes take place in Atlas/Mantle, which is temperature-controlled and thus they don't need heavy protective clothing, then fine, but that doesn't change the fact that Team RWBY and their allies are regularly participating in operations outside that safe zone. I imagine it would take extra modeling/rigging and so on, but you can solve the problem well enough by giving them jackets or something to throw on once they leave the safety of the city and it's artificial heating. Either that or just don't make the cold a goddamn issue in the first place. It wouldn't be the weirdest thing the show has asked us to accept, and the rules surrounding Aura are vague enough that they could easily explain it away.

Anyway, I'll cover the outfits on an individual level now. Let's start with Yang and go in reverse order.

I gotta say, Yang is the type of woman who could look good in a burlap sack, so it's amazing to me that I've never really been a fan of any of her canon outfits. I've always found the shades of brown the character designers love to stick her into be pretty drab and dull, especially since they changed the color of her hair from the brighter gold it used to be to the honey-blonde it is now. Really wish they'd made more use of her color (yellow), she's the brightest of the bunch and needs something to make her pop. I would ascend straight to heaven if they gave her Blake's colors, too - let her have some more purple or black in her outfits.

Anyway, I wouldn't even think this is a bad outfit for Yang if not for the context. It's not amazing, but it fits what's established as her style, and I just love women in pants and jackets. The problem is that she's wearing this outfit in Solitas. This outfit has a fucking thigh window in sub-freezing temperatures, temperatures already established to be deadly by the narrative. I can begrudgingly accept the cleavage, both because showing cleavage is kind of Yang's thing and something the people designing her looks have made an essential part of her aesthetic and because Yang's boobies are very important to me, but the thigh window breaks my suspension of disbelief (to be honest, I wouldn't have even minded if they had covered up the tiddy (shocking, I know). There are plenty of ways to remind us Yang's a bombshell without showing lots of skin). This outfit would've been fine in Vale or Anima tbh even if the thigh window still just fundamentally looks dumb to me.

Blake's outfit just sucks. It's the worst of the bunch. Between the dumb boob socks, the zippers that do literally fucking nothing, and the way she has to wear an adult diaper into combat, this is just so ass. She looks like she ripped off a Square Enix character or something. You're not in a JRPG, honey, wear something that makes sense.

This is so disappointing after her amazing Mistral outfit.

Also, I don't like the short hair at all, but that's more of a personal preference thing. Please let her grow it out again. Please.

I don't mind Weiss's outfit too much besides the stupid fucking belts, if we're being honest. It's not really practical for cold-weather operations, but it's good enough by the standards of anime outfits in general and this series in particular. Not a fan of the little boob window since they're in Solitas, but I can accept it because I've known people who wear shorts in sub-freezing temperatures and Weiss is a native of Atlas. I'm willing to handwave her lack of protective clothing based on the fact that she grew up in this environment and is thus likely to be more used to the cold.

Also, I don't know how her hair suddenly doubled in volume to create that monstrosity of a braid, but whatever. I think she actually looks pretty cute with the new bangs.

Ruby's is my favorite overall. It's not truly cold-weather gear, but it's not so egregiously unsuitable for the environment that it breaks my suspension of disbelief. She manages to look like she's growing up without showing off skin, the new hairstyle is nice, and there's nothing about her Atlas look that really makes me go "ugh, why?", unlike any of her teammates.

#rwby #ruby rose #weiss schnee #blake belladonna #yang xiao long

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fairymint · 1 year

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☀ What's your rp pet peeve?

There's a lot of minor little things that I don't rlly care for that largely boil down to mun behaviour, but.

overly combative attitudes. this mostly comes down to conflict, but i rlly don't think it's cute. if it's a constant personality quirk it's enough to make me block. one such example is that I don't wanna feel like somebody is going to defend me 'just' because I'm their friend. Really, i'm loathe to label people as 'enemies' or problems, so when people start to shut others out like that, I'm not fond. probably an unpopular opinion but i don't rlly believe in justification like that, that someone pops in enough evil* coins and then they deserve! to get YELLED at or sassed or insulted. like you either respect ppl or you don't. i do let a lot of shit slide but i am biased since getting angry will make me sick, so i just don't. it's just not something to expect from me.

any kinda canon-thumping or headcanon-thumping. very rare especially these days, just something I've experienced. While i don't expect or require ppl to love duplicates the way i do, there's a point where it gets a little much. once you cross the line of 'how dare you', it starts to get a bit superficial and has me rolling my eyes. remember to try not to be exclusionary. I think I vaguely remember, in the beginning 8 years ago, considering adding this or that muse and seeing an occasional mutual or figurehead in the community spouting off about how Right their tastes were and going some like 'ahaaaaa better wait on adding them. at least until i have the argument ready to bat them back in the face with lol.'

just kinda being rushed or being 'just another'. I try to respect what ppl might want, but in return kinda want My portrayal appreciated. happy medium, rlly. probably the most prevalent in shipping, romantically or otherwise. like i can respect thinking my muse is hot or the other half of ur OTP but don't tell me how my muse would court yours. or i can respect an OC that's like a fankid or relative or replaces someone AU style, but don't tell me how my muse would raise yours or treat yours. Best to plot w/ blanket concepts and i'll work w/ ya. like i am highly aware that my portrayal is unique and i try to be proud of that, not wish i was 'better' or the fandom standard or different. Hence a lot of my hcs will fall 'in between' or compromise on stuff.

more of a note than a peeve, but I appreciate a happy medium when it comes to plotting vs improv, i think. i think it would be intimidating if i personally tried to plan every detail, or consider every whacky, silly, or off brand interaction 'crack'. but i do feel more comfortable laying down general plot points so i know i'm on the same page as ppl, and to Plan or Gush. point being there are probably ppl who plot More and Less than me, which is perfectly okay cause some days i feel more like novel and others like sillies and jokes. i've had the most complex hcs spin off from little jokes tbh, as well- like emmet's gender

#ask.#munday.#a lot of this is rlly just 'if u test me i will swing.' which. yea lmfao fitting when i ha(ve/d) ptsd most of my life #*note that 'evil' might not be literal but like. replace 'annoying' 'made me feel threated' etc. whatever incites feeling Things™️#long post.#negative jic #readmore for length tbh.

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rinphoria · 2 years

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hey kai !! ive been doing good recently and i hope you have been too :)) i started watching a show called the mentalist and i love it so much. its about a CBI consultant whos chasing a serial killer called Red John (he killed his wife and daughter) as well as him solving other homicide cases. its literally the most clever show ive watched and im in love with it. i just found out who red john is and omggg im shitting myself. it so so good !!

i also went to a cafe with my friend the other day and i had the most amazing french toast. honestly words can't describe how beautiful it was. there were lots of fresh fruit and cream on it and i also tried dragon fruit for the first time !! it wasn't particularly nice, so i don't think ill be trying it again tbh. im also preparing and shopping for an internship im starting in a week. im a little nervous but hopefully it goes well :))

that's all i can remember, my memory is so so bad. oh im also planning on going to a pottery cafe with my friend, where they let paint clay plates and stuff like that. it looks really cute and i can't wait !!

what about you my lovely ?? please tell me about everything and don't leave out any details, i wanna know and im interested (only if you're comfortable ofc). i hope you're having an amazing day my love <33

lija hi!! ahh i smiles so hard when i saw this in my inbox :)) lemme reply under a read more so i don’t make a super long post haha

that show sounds vaguely familiar, like i’ve heard of it but haven’t watched it. i’m pretty into true crime though so i might check it out! i just finished my third watch through of criminal minds so it would be nice to give something else a try. your meal sounds like it was amazing!! i’m more of a waffles person but you can’t beat fruit and cream, ahh i’m glad you enjoyed it! ooh an internship :o are you excited for it? tell me about it if you’re comfortable :) wishing you luck with it as well! i’ve been to one of those pottery places before and they’re lots of fun! i’m far from artsy but it was a fun time so i hope you and your friend enjoy yourselves

this past week has been a little busier for me lol, i only have a month before i move back on campus for school so i’ve been trying to enjoy the rest of summer while preparing for that. my cousin convinced my to pick up kdramas so i have a couple of those i want to get through before i have school work to worry about again

i also ended up reconnected with this guy who i went to middle school with so we’ve been hanging out :) i think we’re going to go the amusement park next week so i’m looking forward to that!

thank you for telling me about how you’ve been! it’s so nice to hear from you 🫶🏽

#[დ] — mailbox #ffsg0jo #sender.lija #hope your day is/was nice too!

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commanderquinn · 9 months

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Good Space Chapter 5: Stuck In The Middle With You

! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!

that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh

—

master list / ao3 chapter link

—

consistent formatting? nah. in this house we believe in Convenient Formatting 🙏 rapid fire and no flashbacks again (when they start to get Super Painful later on you’ll mourn the days when i skipped them for extra fluff) we’re Zeroed In on the nerds for another hot minute. this is what happens when you get hooked on a fic by an idiot that’s more inspired by screenwriters than authors, srry ❤️

also this chapter (and probably quite a few throughout this fic) is specifically for the babes that have had to pick themselves up from the dirt after a romantic crash. i cannot tailor this in a vague way that lets anyone picking this up have their own catharsis here, right? mega impossible to one size fits all that. but what i CAN do is use the bundle of greek myth references that is ava’s concept to tell a story about regaining personal power after a total shitass tricks you into thinking youre not completely bitchin as you are ❤️

and i guess make a bunch of canadian jokes bc those are really funny to me tbh. thank you donnatella moss for the inspiration. the best accidental moose canada ever had

anyways. sit. get comfy 😌 think of the ex you reallyreallyreally wanna stab 🥰 and then go project that exact motherfucker onto alec ❤️

—

"Put it on."

"No."

"Put. It. On."

"Nope."

"It's going to look good on you."

Bucky flicks his eyes up from the news article open on his tablet. "Yes, it would."

"Great. Your head is still gigantic post-defrosting. Good thing the one I picked comes with buttons. Leave three of them undone—"

"I know how many to leave undone." That was a misstep. He knows it the second the words leave his mouth. She's going to use it as if it's compliance. It isn't.

"And I'm sure you remember how to get your arms through the holes, too. So, let's go." Natasha repeatedly taps her hand on the kitchen table, making her rings knock against the aged wood. "Make with the wardrobe change."

"I'm not wearing that, and I'm sure as hell not going anywhere," he counters blandly.

"Yes, you are. Get up."

"Eat dirt, Romanoff. I have this thing called a will of my o—"

"So, you don't want to go?"

"Correct."

"Nothing could convince you to change your mind?"

"Absolutely not."

"Who do you think is going to be more disappointed when I repeat that at the bar, Wyatt or Ava?"

Bucky's eyes close slowly. Gently. The movement is a stark contrast to the anger swirling in him, the majority of which is aimed at himself, not the Russian seeking to ruin his life. This was so easy to spot coming. So easy. And he walked right into it.

"Have you given—" Steve attempts around a mouthful of food, cutting off when Natasha hits him in the back of the head to make him stop. He takes a moment to wash down the Coco Puffs with a gulp of fresh coffee after that. "Have you given Wyatt an autograph yet? I gave him one. Super nice guy, you'll like him."

"Why is the brain trust suddenly invited to a night out?" Bucky demands. This is a fucking trap. There is no possible way that this isn't a fucking trap.

Natasha rolls her eyes at him. "We're plying them with booze to try and keep them from suing us into the ground for inflicting you on the populace. Now shut up and go change. You're not wearing those pants."

"I'm—" He cuts himself off mid-refusal. There's not a chance, not even a fraction of a percent of one, that Ava would take offense to him not wanting to go. He's told her, on multiple occasions, that he hates getting dragged out to these things. His friends are awful, and they just do this to torture him. He's not inclined to entertain that most weeks, and Ava knows that. "I don't have any other pants aside from—"

"Yes, you do."

"I'm not wearing tux pants to a—"

"The leather ones you keep for long rides."

Bucky stops, and not because Natasha just revealed knowing another secret he hasn't told her. That shit doesn't even phase him anymore. His eyes move down to the blue button-up she's trying to force him into, his lips pursing slightly. The leather pants she's not supposed to know about are worn to hell and back at this point. Heavy weathering, a hole or two at the back of the heels, more than a few deep scratches that'll become holes if he's not overly careful. Not the kind of thing that would usually be suitable for a night out.

That button-up is new, though. Looks expensive, too. Good quality silk. It'll look more natural on him under a jacket. Less like a significant effort and more like something he got roped into. Which is precisely what's happening.

Bucky sighs deeply, looking back up at her in resignation. "I have some ground rules."

"You're allowed to have approximately one."

He looks over at Steve in frustration. The bastard shakes his head with a cackle, a fresh scoop of Puffs halfway to his mouth. "Ooohoho, no. Nah-uh. There's a captain on deck tonight, but it is not me." He stands up, chewing quickly, a big dumb smile on his stupid face. "I'm being a good boy and following her orders."

Natasha knocks on the spot of hardwood directly in front of Bucky obnoxiously. "Name your singular rule. I still have to do my hair; hurry the hell up."

Her sass reminds him that he has to figure out what the fuck he's going to do with his hair. "I'm not dancing, for starters—"

"Great. None of us will hound you about dancing; you have my word. Go get dressed. We leave in an hour, and you'll be really embarrassed if I have to drag your unconscious body through the tower." Her eyebrows raise expectantly as she stands up, looking between him and the shirt. To add insult to injury, she taps her nails along his head on her way out of the kitchen.

Steve doesn't look over from where he's raiding the fridge for another snack. "For what it's worth, she sounded excited about the invitation."

Bucky's eyes squint suspiciously. "You invited her?"

"No, Nat did," he replies far too casually. "I was just in the room when she made the call."

"See, your fuck up here is that now I know—"

"I have information you can try to weasel out of me? Thanks, Buck, I appreciate that, seeing as I'm entirely inept when it comes to interrogation and spycraft—"

"Only for the most part. Was this your push or Nat's?"

"Are you asking to be a pest, or are you asking because you need to know?"

Bucky grinds his teeth. He can say the latter, and Steve will never know the difference. "I don't need to know, but—"

"Then fuck off." He shuts the fridge door with a gentle swing and a bright smile. "I have to go get dressed. So do you." He flicks at the bun resting against the back of Bucky's head on his way out. These fuckers are always touching him, and they don't pull the Canadian routine about it. "Should do something with your hair. It looks like it has blood on it."

It probably does. His last mission was designated complete all of twenty minutes ago, and he definitely bled through some of it. Bucky can't really tell on his end; he's still coming down from the adrenaline rush. Something Natasha used to her advantage, no doubt.

"You fuck off," he grumbles long after Steve is out of earshot.

—

"I'm completely serious."

"No, you're panickin', ya big baby."

"I mean it."

"I'd like to go ahead and remind you that I was there when you purchased most'a your wardrobe. Both times. I think I'd know if y'didn't."

"I can't wear any of that. It's one thing when it's my space—"

"You're allowed to exist in other places, ya dweeb."

"I didn't say I wasn't allowed. Just that...." Ava trails off, her nerves finally catching up to her. The argument had felt like a funny joke when she poked her head through the doorway to start it. Now it's not feeling so funny anymore. Paige is doing that awful, shitty thing where she makes sense. Leaning against the frame and glancing down at the master bedroom's carpet, Ava feels small. "I don't know. The stuff I wear to conferences is too—prim. Most of it's ballroom shit and wouldn't work, anyways. All of my usual go-to's just... It all feels... stupid."

The energy drink chugging champion that is her best friend props herself up on her elbows where she's laid out on her bed. The headband she's wearing has two miniature alien heads poking up from it that wiggle with the motion. "Well, hey there, Alec. Long time no see, ya son of a—"

"Yeah, yeah," Ava waves her hand dismissively. The reminder does knock some of the pity party out of her, at least. There was a time when she made decisions for herself and herself alone. Those were damn good years, and Ava is trying like hell to get back into the mindset. The one she proudly lived in before she let someone talk her into being ashamed of who she is. "Let my freak flag fly, whatever. I still don't have anything to wear." Nothing that doesn't feel crushingly laughable, anyways.

"What about that lace skirt you've got, the one with the swirly patterns? That one's so cute."

Ava frowns. She's not looking to get squished in hosiery tonight, which would be the only way to save herself in something that short. "For dancing?"

"Mmm. That's, ya know, that ain't a bad point. It ain't exactly built for the breeze." Paige tilts her head to the side, making the aliens go wild. Her face pinches like she's brainstorming. Then her eyes go wide with excitement. "Oh! Wear that—the, the thing!"

"Gonna need more to go on." She snaps her fingers as Paige smacks at her own bedspread.

"The wrap dress!"

"You're out of your mind," Ava laughingly insists. Now that she's caught up to her best friend's train of thought, she's almost startled. "That's—first of all, I think it's technically a sun dress—"

"Who gives a shit? Ya look great in it."

"I look—that's beside the point. It... it's not too...?"

"Too...?"

"Shit, I don't know." She folds her arms over her chest and chews her lip for a few seconds. "What do I wear with it?"

"Nothin' but heels." The smirk on Paige's face is devious.

"You know what else isn't built for the breeze? Me. I'm not looking to flash the Avengers tonight, thanks." The words make her instantly think of Bucky, shamefully enough. He's not even going to be there tonight. She's absolutely sure of it. He's told her how much it takes to convince him to go out these days.

The manic pixie rolls her eyes. "Alright. The dress, the heels, and somethin' stringy."

"How about a jacket?" Ava reasons, already turning to go back to Paige's guest room, the one that's been unofficially hers for years.

"Pick one that's sheer, ya chickenshit," she shouts down the hallway behind her.

"That's a lot of sass coming from the woman who can't look America's Sweetheart in the eye!"

"You'll thank me when you don't wake up here!"

Ava gets hit with the mental reminder that a certain sergeant has been threatening to fly her home for over a week. She hip-bumps her unofficial door closed with a huff.

Bucky's not going to show up tonight.

Even if he was, the man's a serial flirt, and she's his—the primary neurosurgeon on his case. Not-flirting through his appointments has been…. She's been trying to think of it as a bedside manner. A very unprofessional bedside manner. The kind she wouldn't have the balls to admit to out loud.

Natasha didn't mention him directly during the invitation call, only his case. All she said was that the whole team was welcome, including the duct rat, Findley. No mention of other attendants. It would have been brought up if he were going to be there; Ava's sure of that.

Natasha did mention getting Paige home on time, which was suspicious. Tomorrow is the engineer's first mission assigned to the Avengers as support, sure, but they don't seem like the type to need a pre-check. Ava's only seen a handful of SHEILD agents listed in the medical reports from Bucky's missions, and he never mentions any of them directly. She's always gotten the impression that assigned agents are an unknown hand in that machine.

If Steve ends up tagging along, she'll have her suspicions about the Russian's intent with this whole thing. She might have an ally in the fight to push her best friend that she didn't know about.

Maybe she'll go to the tower after Paige is home safe. Ava's brought up the idea of switching to night appointments before, and she doubts Bucky would say no to a quick ten minutes on the roof. He might even stay for a while without having the excuse of leaving her to her work.

She could pick up some late-night bagels to bribe him with. Her favorite shop closes early, but they work til midnight sometimes just for the baking process. Ava does the yearly medical work for the owner and his family without charging him. In return, he lets her sneak in after hours for cream cheese and salmon. With that and a quick stop to her office for a handful of lollipops, she's got herself some super soldier bait.

She might not even stop to change back out of the dress. She'll grab the lab coat, though. Bucky looks more at ease whenever she has it on.

—

He wants to leave already.

It's been eighteen seconds since they coraled him through the front door. He's very proud of himself. He didn't think he'd make it to half that before the urge hit.

Bucky looks around the crowded bar with the sourest face he can muster. It's loud, it's cramped, it's loud, he's already hot enough to know he'll be sweating at some point, and it's too fucking loud. The checkpoint out front is a disaster. He's not real clear on what the standards for a bar security chief are, but that pick-up artist with the handheld, battery-powered metal detector out front doesn't fit his definition of competent. Not by a long shot.

The Avengers haven't rolled out with the full roster tonight. Tony, mercifully, is away with Pepper, Barton fucks off to god knows where, and Rhodey's as much of a workaholic as Bucky is. He tries not to think about where Thor goes. That particular can of worms is pretty full. He's still trying to get used to the fact that they've got a Quinjet that can just go to space. Whenever he—they want.

The ones that did come don't give him any shit when he breaks off to do his walk-about. They all figured out pretty early on that it's a sensitive subject. Bruce doesn't even notice him leave half the time. Steve used to do a piss-poor job of inconspicuously following him back when Bucky was primarily non-verbal. Natasha never mentions it.

The building is two stories. There's a halfway decent camera set-up that he can tap into through the wifi. No windows in the bathrooms. The roof access isn't wired with an alarm. All the emergency exits are, though. The owner's room was locked before Bucky got to it, but the staff areas are open to whoever turns a handle. They've got a round of code inspections coming up at the start of next month. They'll fail at least two of them if they don't unblock that rear door.

Sam silently checks in with an offered fist bump once he's back at the table eight minutes later. Bucky doesn't hesitate to reciprocate it. There's already a half glass of whiskey sitting on the table waiting for him. He doesn't hesitate to get his mitts on that, either.

Wyatt and Hannah show up before Ava and Paige do. It's the first time Bucky's been faced with meeting them since Ava offered that one time. She never pushed it after that. He's been meaning to get around to it. But the idea has been making his teeth buzz too much to go through with it.

Hannah is laser-focused on him from the start. She's just as conscious of it as he is, then. He can tell the moment that the realization hits Wyatt. His eyes widen with a flash of concern, his burly frame curling in on itself as if that'll make six feet of muscle look less threatening. It's almost heartwarming that he's worried about looking threatening to Bucky, of all people. The anxiety on the kid's face gets swallowed up by excitement. Seconds later, another wave of anxiety surfaces. It teeters back and forth as Hannah pushes him up to the table through the crowd.

Bucky watched Atlantis the other night after one of his nightmares took away any chance of falling back to sleep. It saved him from having to wake Steve up for a trip to the supply store. He texted Ava about it once he spotted the sun through the small gap in his blackout curtains; she was thrilled. Seeing the baby-faced brain surgeon nervously approach the table makes him understand why she compares him to Milo, not Dr. Sweet.

Bucky's not looking to be the aggressive silent type anymore. At least not when it comes to the people working their asses off for him. He reaches out with his flesh hand, giving a reassuring half-smile to Wyatt. "Good to finally meet you, Combs."

The grin that stretches across the doctor's face looks wide enough to hurt. A stubby hand reaches out across the table for an enthusiastic shake. "It's an honor to meet you, Sergeant Barnes."

"I'll sign that journal Ava's warned me about if you promise to call me Bucky," he bribes, taking his hand back for another sip of whiskey.

"Y'mean it?" He's already headed for his patch-covered messenger bag with a hopeful look on his face. "I can use whatever makes ya comfortable. I'm not gonna make ya sign—"

"Hand it over." He glances over to where Hannah is sitting down across from Bruce. They trade an amicable nod when she makes direct eye contact again. "It's good to meet you, as well, Schuster."

"Barnes." He hears the sound of a boot being kicked under the table and watches Wyatt glare at the side of her head. She gives Bucky a strained smile. He's got a feeling it's usually strained. "Likewise."

Bucky likes her already.

As Ava warned, it doesn't take long for Wyatt to start asking about maps. He's bombarded with questions the moment he hands the journal back, with a fresh, chicken-scratch signature on one of its pages. The kid has a lot of trouble picking one at a time, and Bucky's trying not to shorten his answers out of habit.

He keeps a mental list of the information Wyatt's most interested in. A year ago, he would have done it out of ingrained habit. Tonight it's a deliberate choice. Bucky can get his hands on records the Combs family doesn't know about. The kind they can't make a legal request for because there's no official log of it.

Ava and Paige are the last to arrive. He's too busy trying to give Wyatt more stories when they walk through the door to spot them. Steve is the first to notice their entrance, pausing mid-sentence about a mission the Howlies went on that Bucky barely remembers. Looking away from Wyatt's face, he understands why his best friend froze up.

Good fucking god almighty. She's trying to kill him.

The doctor that haunts Bucky's dreams is walking through the crowded bar in an outfit that should be triggering the tactical analysis in his head. The analysis that, lately, only ends when his mind catches up to the fact that he shouldn't be thinking about being balls-deep in her while trying to make eye contact. It's probably—definitely inappropriate. But something about the thin, light blue fabric of her dress is shorting him the fuck out.

It's low-cut, which is the first strike. The second is the way that split up her right leg only stops when it reaches the top of her thigh. The third—the one that really knocks him flat on his ass—is the way the whole thing is pulled in to show off her hips. The ones he'd have a lot of trouble letting go of if she ever let him put his hands on her to begin with.

He roughly swallows around nothing but air. His eyes shoot up to Ava's face, desperate to stave off his bastard mind latching onto her outfit. The last thing he needs in his head right now is a full-scale plan for laying her out on the table to unwrap that thing like a present. She's smiling at him, genuine surprise shaping most of her expression. God willing, it's about his presence here, not where his eyes were a second ago.

"They let you out of the house now?" she sasses him over the roar of the bar. Her hand folds into a fist and props high on her hip as she stops at the table's edge, her other arm linked with her best friend's.

Bucky is so fucking hopeless for her. "Yes, ma'am. But only if I get enough green stickers that week."

"In that case, thanks for behaving. I didn't think you'd be here tonight." That smile of hers is still bright as the sun. Still aimed at him. Christ, he's never been happier about Natasha ruining his life. "I'm pleasantly surprised around you, for once."

Gimmie half a chance, and I can show you every kind of pleasant surprise there is.

If this were 1943, he'd still have the balls to say it to her. It'd be suicide to say it around his idiot friends, but he was a dumbass who wouldn't have hesitated back then. Not with someone like her.

It's probably a good thing it's not still 1943. "If I make all the surprises annoy you, you'll tell me to stop. I have to keep you on your toes, or you'll get bored."

One of her eyebrows raises at him, entirely unimpressed. It makes him want to hold her hand. "You do understand how cool my job is, right? You're also a literal cyborg I get to poke at whenever I feel like telling you it's medically necessary. What part of that am I supposed to get bored with, sergeant?"

Bucky folds with a shy chuckle, bringing up his glass of whiskey to hide his mouth behind. "You get used to the shiny parts."

"I'm sure he'll let you add more when he busts his ass again," Sam jokes from off to Ava's left. He's staring at Bucky with an overly satisfied grin. It makes him glare over his whiskey while Ava and Paige sit down.

"Sorry we're late," Paige says, her eyes moving to Steve and her cheeks turning slightly pink. "Gettin' through Bronx traffic is always fun."

"Ordered Ryder's usual," Hannah mentions, pointing to a tall glass of ale the waiter dropped off while he wasn't looking. "Didn't know what you were in the mood for."

"Somethin' fizzy." She rhythmically taps her mismatched nails on the table, humming to herself while she glances over the drink menu. "Or maybe somethin' icey."

"I went the margarita route if you wanna go halfsies tonight," Wyatt offers, nudging his frosted glass over to her. Paige perks up and leans over for a sip.

He looks over at Steve, who's watching the interaction with the sappiest smile. It nearly makes his eyes roll. Natasha and Sam sniffed out the captain's big crush a long time ago, but it's the first time Bucky's seeing it for himself.

Neither one of them has learned a goddamn thing. Not in a hundred years.

A much more gentle nail taps right in front of his arm, dragging his eyes back to Ava while she gets herself seated. "What made you decide to come?"

She would hit him with a question that blunt right off the bat. He tries not to notice Sam's silent laughter next to her.

"Heard the egg heads were making an appearance," he decides to be mostly honest with.

The pleased smile on her face takes on a softer edge. She really hadn't been expecting him to show. It makes him all the more glad that he listened to Natasha. "We convinced you?"

You did. "You're surprised? I'm not about to put in the effort for these assholes."

"He only does that for our birthdays," Sam tells her, leaning into her space slyly.

Bucky holds out his hands, mildly insulted. "And bank holidays."

Ava turns her head to offer her hand to Sam with a warm giggle. She looks so fucking good in the low bar light. With her neck muscles stretched like that, Bucky wants to kiss under her jaw just to see her reaction. "I've been hoping we'd meet again under better circumstances. Ava Ryder."

Sam barks a laugh, wrapping his hand around hers. "I'd say watchin' you hand Steve his own ass was great circumstance."

"Well thanks," Steve interjects, flipping him off before going back to drawing on a napkin with Paige.

The comment, and the gesture, gets ignored entirely. "Sam Wilson, but you can call me your favorite Avenger."

Bucky almost rolls his eyes again. Watching Ava's giggles get worse stops the urge.

—

She was wrong.

He came out tonight. To a bar. To spend time with them.

Ava takes another drink of her ale, watching the Winter Soldier over the rim of her glass. Wearing a dress that could unwind from her with a few strategic yanks on a couple pieces of string. And heels that could have paid a month of her first apartment's rent. In a New York bar.

If her parents could see her now, they'd croak.

Bucky is so goddamn attractive in his dark leather jacket that it's un-fucking-real. The bastard looks softer with his hair down like that, and there's chest hair peaking out from that button-up he's left open to a torturous degree. It keeps distracting her every time he turns to say something to Steve. His hand is the only shiny part on display at the moment.

The glory tales from Steve don't do the heartstopping aura justice. The fact that Bucky has had the nerve to lie—to her face no less—and say they're blown out of proportion makes her seethe sitting across from him now. No wonder he was prolific; how the hell could he not be with a face like that and the attitude to back it. Now that he's not in a professional headspace, the latter is coming out in spades. The super serum body is a mouthwatering, climbable bonus.

This is the man that keeps threatening to fly her home.

Ava takes a longer drink.

She hasn't been this in over her head since college. The familiar knee-jerk reaction of bullying him is the only thing that doesn't feel petrifying. Bucky is the last person that would make her feel unsafe, but good god, the man is intimidating. Trying to find something to say to him that isn't a joke is a lot harder than usual, with him looking that good.

Paige tuned out the moment Steve gave her meticulously outlined boxes to doodle in on an unfolded napkin. He's been adding detailed frames to them ever since while the two trade work stories. It makes Ava jealous. Her best friend might be oblivious, but at least she's not the one tongue-tied tonight.

Knocking her knees together under the table, Ava leans forward and tries another round of facing down the sergeant. "Worth the trip so far?"

Way to go, moron. Pressure him, why don't you? Of course he's having a good time; he wouldn't still be sitting here if he—

Bucky smiles at her, calming her nerves without even trying. "Every second." He looks down at the glass in her hand, then back up at her face. "You havin' fun, doc?"

She misses hearing him call her doll. It's starting to feel like maybe it was an accident the handful of times it happened. He hasn't done it in days. "Unlike you, I enjoy human interaction. Plus, the hippie thing makes me partial to loud noises." And sweat. And weed to make the loud noises sound better. And men with long hair and deep voices that would sound—

"I don't mind human interaction," he argues, folding his arms on the table and leaning over with her. "I'm just picky about the people I interact with."

"Awww," Paige coos at her side. "And we made the cut? I'm honored."

"You should be," Steve confirms with a smirk, his eyes never leaving the napkin under his hand. "He's not exaggerating."

"That's unusual for him," Ava jumps on Bucky with. She regrets it right up until he snorts and briefly covers his mouth with his hand. It's a real fuck up on his end; she takes it as an all-clear to do it to him again at her leisure. "The only people I've met with bigger heads are cardiologists."

"That's the second time you've brought them up," Bucky notes. She honestly can't remember the first, but it sounds accurate. They're fun to mock.

"Nice deflection, superstar." His eyes widen a fraction at her teasing, boosting her confidence. "Have you had the displeasure of meeting one? I'm allowed to be mean to them as a neurologist, by the way. Secret doctor pecking order and whatnot."

"If I have, I probably don't want to remember," he deadpans. Steve gives him a dirty look, but it makes Ava snort. The smug look Bucky gives her in return makes her stomach flip. "I wanna hear more about this secret doctor pecking order. How far up that chain are you?"

"I don't know, man. How far up is your brain?"

Bucky's eyes shut in pain, and he smiles. "It's so hard to be proud of your ego when your awful puns surround it."

"You'll manage," she assures in a supportive tone.

A low whistle drags Ava's eyes to one end of the table, where Natasha is getting up. "I'm going dancing. It's up to you losers who's coming."

A majority of the table, including most of Ava's team, moves to follow. She doesn't. Bruce and Hannah don't, continuing their discussion on a medical journal he read that morning. Bucky doesn't leave either.

He watches Ava as Paige leans over to kiss the top of her head. She's pretty sure he watches her all through their short yes, I'll watch your bag check-in. He's still watching her when she looks back at him, slowly circling his glass to make the whiskey inside it swirl.

"Not a fan of dancing?" he finally asks.

"I like dancing," Ava confirms. "I just like picking on you more." The words feel outrageously bold for how innocuous they are. It's the truth, but she feels a little stupid for saying it out loud. Whatever, if it means spending the night out with him, that's fine—

Bucky puts down his glass, a determined set to his posture. "Dance with me."

Her jaw almost drops. She doesn't catch her nervous burst of laughter in time to stop it. "I—what? You? Bucky Barnes, mister touch me and die himself wants to—"

"I let you touch me all the time." The tone he uses for the blatant—

Christ, is she ever in over her head.

She ignores his flirting like a coward, racing to hide behind professionalism as fast as her mouth can get her there. "The funny thing about that is I have your willing participation—"

"You've got my willing participation for this, too." He sounds like he means it, which is the worst part. It makes it impossible to bring herself to tell him no.

She hesitates one last time, primarily out of fear of embarrassing herself. "You're sure you want to dance?"

"With you?" Bucky stands up, allowing her to see the well-worn leather sitting low enough on his hips to turn her into a bigger wreck. "Yeah, doll. I'm sure."

Hannah leans over to slide the bag Paige left behind across the table, closer to her. She doesn't bother to stop talking. Bruce is smiling from ear to ear, stealing glances at her and Bucky. He's doing a terrible job of hiding it.

Standing up on nervous feet, Ava watches Bucky circle the table. He offers up his flesh hand when he approaches her, his signature Brooklyn smirk on his face. "Ready?"

Fuck no. She slides her hand into his, breathing deeply when he squeezes her fingers. "I really hope someone's given you the memo on modern dancing because I have no idea what the hell you people did in the 30s."

"I'm sure you'll help me figure it out." He's sounding more confident with every word, and it's scaring the absolute shit out of her.

It's innocent at the start. Bucky's a perfect gentleman leading her through the crowd. He spins slowly to face her when he finds them a wide enough space, pulling her in close. The pressure of his fingers is barely there when his metallic hand moves to her lower back. Ava brings both her hands up to his chest when he lets go of one of them.

"You'll tell me if you're uncomfortable, right?" she checks again, stretching up as close to him as she can. There's no way he has trouble hearing her over the music, but she doesn't remember that until she's all but hanging off him. It makes her cheeks feel warm.

His flesh hand moves over her hip, resting on it gently. Bucky leans down and turns his head in, getting right up to her ear. He's already starting to guide the direction of her half-hearted movements. "I will. You gonna do the same?"

"I will," she promises. Mirroring his words is the only thing her brain can come up with, given how unfairly good he smells. It's obliterating every train of thought she has.

It is… terrifyingly easy to let herself go in his arms. The movement of her hips gets more involved, following the tempo of the song and the direction of his hand. Hers go up to his shoulders, bringing him in closer a fraction at a time. By the time the song changes, she gives up and lets them wrap around the back of his neck.

Somewhere around the third song, when the bar's DJ is trying to ramp up into a faster energy, she ends up turned away from him. Ava isn't sure how it happened. It could have been his doing; she's not paying all that much attention. All she knows is he's pressed up against her back now, the hand on her hip moving towards her leg incrementally. Her head tilts off to the side as her eyes close, letting the Winter Soldier guide her.

His fingers stop their advance once they reach the top of the gap in her dress, the one that splits up her thigh. She gives him all of thirty seconds to figure out if he's brave enough to go further on his own. Then the ego boost from having Bucky—of all fucking people—trying to make a move on her wins out over her fear.

Ava lays her fingers on top of the hand hesitating on her leg, urging it down.

The first touch of his skin on hers makes them both suck in a breath. She can feel the tension in him against her back. He gets over his nerves faster after that. His hand glides down the length of her thigh, and his fingers curl under the fabric when it comes back up. Not all that far, but the intent is there.

In escalating boldness, she reaches for his metal hand, dragging it to rest at the top of her ribs. His nose comes brushing across her temple at that point, giving her an idea of how close he's keeping himself around her with her eyes closed. One of her hands goes up into his hair, and that's when things really go off the fucking rails.

His thumb moves in a wide arc, dragging across the underside of one of her breasts. Her fingers curl around his hair, and her head rolls in toward him. If she tilts it up, she could brush her nose against his; that's how far into her space he is. And then the hand on her thigh moves in.

The pounding music swallows up the slight sound it pulls from her, but she's willing to bet Bucky heard it. She leans back against him, making him freeze up momentarily. He's already moving again before her mind finally pieces together the why.

He's hard, Ava realizes.

With one hand under her tits and the other getting itself further between her thighs. With her ass pressed back against him. With his towering frame curled all the way around her.

Sergeant James Barnes is hard as a rock. For her.

—

How the hell he hasn't gotten his good arm ripped off yet, Bucky's not quite sure. It feels impossible that she's just... letting him do this.

Spinning her around really fucked him over. He had been behaving pretty well up until then. He'd even managed to hold off on putting his hand as far down her back as that fucking dress allows for. But then he'd been dumb enough to turn her, and her head had relaxed off to the side, and god, it took every ounce of restraint he has not to kiss the length of her neck.

Now she's leaning back against him, fully aware of how wound up he is, and he can't figure out where to stop. She isn't slowing down any part of his stumbling. There's no new tension in her now that she's in the know about the current state of his cock. Her hips are still fucking moving, and now they're moving against him.

She's going to kill him tonight, probably right out here on this dancefloor. He just hasn't figured out if it's going to be murder or manslaughter.

He lets his left hand get bolder, trying to test the waters one last time before he lets his right one go any further. He moves it up, his thumb brushing over her nipple. He hears her pull in a shaking breath while it skims back down the side. She doesn't stop him, making him want to bite at her neck all over again.

With no signs of her looking for an out, and not one shred of critical thinking or self-control left in his head, Bucky slides his hand further up the inside of her thigh. Her fingers tighten in his hair, nearly pulling on it at this point. All he has to do is hike up his thumb, and he'll get more information than he's probably ready to have. She could tell him to drop to his knees right here; he's mildly certain he'd do it.

That dress is so goddamn thin. There's no weight to it at all. He can't spot the outline of anything, but he knows from how high her tits are sitting that she's got a bra on, at least. Another inch or two up with his thumb, and he'll be able to tell for himself if she came out tonight with underwear on. He's not entirely out of the goddamn loop; he knows skipping it is a much more common practice nowadays.

Bucky's almost hoping his favorite hippie is the type. He's spent a lot of time fantasizing about ways to get her out of them. That doesn't mean he's not going to fucking lose it if his fingers don't find a strip of fabric between her legs.

The flash of a new fantasy hits him, one of Ava letting him pin her to the alley wall out back with his head between her legs. If he takes her around the corner, he won't have to stop when the kitchen staff come out for a smoke break. If she does have underwear on, he can leave it in her mouth to keep her quiet. Or reach up to make her bite down on his fingers. With the serum and her height, it'd work like a dream.

The curiosity becomes a burning need, driving his hand all the way up. When he first touches her, it's not with his thumb, and it's not a gentle brush. He pushes his middle and index finger along the length of her lips, coming into contact with lace that's wet.

"Fuck." The word is choked when it tumbles out of him. He's coated his hand to the thought of her so many times over by now. And here she is, pushing herself up against him and just as worked up about it.

Her hand grips his arm tight enough to bruise in reaction. She doesn't push him away. God fucking help him, she doesn't stop moving either. Still, there's something about her body language that's not sitting right in his gut. She's not pushing him away. But she's not pulling him along anymore.

That's not always a stop sign. Bucky knows that. Some people like leaving the significant steps in the hands of their chosen partner. She's silently urged him to keep going a few times already. Assuming she wants that to continue isn't out of the question. But he's not the kind of man who's comfortable with that leap. Not anymore.

He moves his hand down an inch, leaving it between her legs. Not on top of the lace he wants to bite at. If she's interested, she'll put it back. Simple as that.

Bucky waits, holding her close with his metal arm around her ribs and his nose pressed into her hair while they dance. She's hesitating now, which has him convinced he made the right call. He's not self-wallowing enough to take it as a rejection. It's not like he'd been planning for this to go anywhere near as far as it did to begin with.

Her hand pulls at his hair in a way that feels conflicted. She tilts her head up, her eyes finally opening to look at him. Yeah, there it is. Right there in her eyes. It's finally catching up to her.

"I..." she tries, her mouth opening and closing a few times. "We can...."

"We can keep going," he finishes for her, not backing off from his hold on her. "We absolutely can. Or we can head to the bar and watch them make something with a cherry on it. I'm more than comfortable with both."

He watches her chew over the offered out, her eyebrows pulling in. He doesn't push her; he's not looking to make the call for her. If she wants him to get her off right here on this dancefloor, he's pretty damn sure he'd be willing at this point, even with the threat of criminal charges. He's also ready to let go and spend the rest of the night doing something that doesn't make her look torn. Even if it means ending it early.

"We should probably go to the bar." Probably. She doesn't sound happy about it, meaning it's fueled by her professionalism. He understands why she has the line. He respects the shit out of it.

"We probably should," he agrees. He doesn't move his hands. She hasn't moved hers.

Her eyes move down to his mouth, and fuck does that do a number on his impulse control. He hopes she doesn't feel how it makes his cock jump. Ava Ryder wants to kiss him. It feels odd to celebrate that, considering where his fingers were a minute ago, but fuck. The girl of his dreams wants to kiss him.

"Let's go to the bar." The frustration in her voice almost makes him laugh. It definitely makes him smile as he turns his metal hand over to link with hers.

"You drink anything other than ale, doll?" He lets his fingers brush over the skin of her thigh reassuringly as he pulls it back out from under her dress. She looks so mad at the world, her face scrunching under her glasses. He wants to kiss her more than he's ever wanted anything in his life.

Ava takes a deep breath that she lets out with a huff. It looks like it cools off some of the annoyance. "My answer depends on how much of a narc you are, g-man."

He puts his arm around her shoulder, dragging her in close to his side. His friends will hand him his ass over this for a month, but he's not about to let her feel rejected. He's trying to respect a boundary, not ward her off. "Lucky for you, this g-man has medical strains growing in his room at the tower."

"There's no fucking way. You're telling me the Winter Soldier grows weed?"

"Are you tellin' me you buy yours? Chump."

She snorts hard enough to feel the need to cover her mouth. It makes Bucky feel damn good being able to make her laugh again that fast. "I can't believe I'm being ridiculed about the source of my pot by a senior citizen."

He holds back on reminding her that she was about to let a senior citizen stick his hand down her panties. "Has it convinced you to give up the inaccurate jokes about my job?"

"Inaccurate, he says! Don't you have a literal badge you can shove in people's faces?" Ava doesn't lean against the bar when they reach it. She stays pressed up against him while he leans on it, distracting the hell out of him. He looks down the line of people, searching for a bartender to give himself a second to refocus. "I think that's a pretty clear-cut definition of a fed."

"I think you're trying to find out if I've got a pair of cuffs handy." This is the other problem presented with her letting him go that far; it burned through what little filter he has. Now that he knows she's interested and not just humoring him, he's fucked. Hearing his own words still makes him wish he'd shut his damn mouth.

He hears her laugh in surprise again, but he's not brave enough to look at her yet. There's a momentary lull filled with the sounds of rowdy New Yorkers kicking off their weekend. Then he feels her head lean against his arm. "Something tells me you could improvise without them."

It's manslaughter. She's trying for manslaughter. By god, she's going to accomplish it if she says some shit like that again.

"I can improvise whenever you need me to." He finally looks back at her, catching her ogling his chest. Again. Her cheeks are a few shades darker. It's good to know he's not the only one reeling. "You should answer my question first, though. Unless you're looking to put in the order."

Her eyes finally flick up to his, and her smile turns shy before she looks away. "Surprise me. I burn more than drown. I'm sure you can think of a fun option to entertain me with."

Bucky should have guessed she'd give him a run for every cent he earned back when he still had his mojo. It feels like he's trying not to trip over himself while she's still getting warmed up. "One entertainment, comin' right up."

She gives him a look, doing a lousy job of holding back her amusement. "You don't get to complain about my puns if you're going to tell dad jokes like that."

"You're just jealous that mine are better." He finally flags down a bartender over her shoulder, throwing out an order for two Mai Tais. The only other cocktail he can think of off the top of his head is a Sex on the Beach, and he sure as shit doesn't have the balls to order that in front of her at the moment. A Moscow Mule is not a cocktail in his eyes. It's also not the kind of inappropriate he's looking for.

Ava's finger hooks into his front pocket, threatening to ruin every effort he's made toward getting his cock to calm the fuck down. "Some of your jokes are pretty great; I'll give you that. The dry ones make my day."

It feels backwards—and mildly alarming—to hesitate to brush her hair behind her ear for a moment. A few minutes ago, he'd been ready to go down on her in front of a room full of people. Now he's trying to find the nerve to touch her at all. Doing so gets easier when her eyes slip closed at the feeling of his fingertip moving down the side of her head.

"Seeing you makes my day," he murmurs, not caring about letting his mouth run. It feels less intimidating in the wake of her compliment. God knows it's going to sit in his head. Probably forever. The fact that she probably can't hear it over the music certainly doesn't hurt.

Her eyes open back up slowly, with her smile taking on a wicked edge. "You feel like showing me your stash, old man?"

—

They haven't talked about it.

It's been less than an hour since they stopped dancing. In under sixty minutes, Bucky managed to get them a drink and all the way through Manhattan to the Avengers Tower. On a Friday, no less.

No wonder they threaten to revoke his license. Ava thought she was a speed freak behind the wheel. Now that she's got firsthand experience as his rear passenger, Bucky being allowed to have a motorcycle makes her question SHIELD more than ever.

He let her go up to the roof without him. He made it sound like he was doing her a favor by not making her go out of her way just to raid his stash with him. She's guessing it's got more to do with not being down for a surprise tour of his space. It's not as if she's going to fault him for it.

The idea that she's actually going to let him fly her home after this is already hitting her nerves. If that's throwing her off, she has no clue where she's going to find the will to bring up the subject of—this. Tonight. What happened.

How far she was about to let it go.

He smells too good. She's decided to blame it on that, at least in her head. Mainly to make herself feel better about crossing that many ethical boundaries. It's easier than accepting that she was about to give a patient the go-ahead to finger her in the middle of a bar. Without so much as a word about it beforehand.

Ava pushes her hands under her glasses to hold her face, resisting the urge to scrub at it. She doesn't want to fuck up her makeup. Not while she still has to face Bucky. How stupid—and then she doubled down—god, now they're here, and he's getting weed—

"I was starting to think I'd never get you up here, doll."

The way his voice quells her anxious mind without any effort at all ties her stomach in a different kind of knot. She lowers her hands into her lap, giving him a half-smile. "I'd like to remind you that I'm the one who offered initially. And again tonight."

Bucky waves his free hand dismissively, his flesh one cradling a bag. "Semantics." He dumps it onto the wicker table she picked out herself. She hears glass hit metal, the sound muffled by the black cloth of the bag. "I didn't know if you were a bowl or a joint kinda gal. Figured I'd come prepared since I'm dealing with a degenerate commie."

"Steve was right about your manners," Ava insists, reaching out to open it with greedy fingers. She kicks her heels off under the table, getting distracted by the sight of him shaking his leather jacket off his shoulders. The man's tall enough to have to duck under the makeshift canopy built to account for Wyatt's height. "Tell me how many words you know for pot while I judge your choices."

"Are you forgetting they took me out for walks every few years?" Bucky walks around to her side and puts his jacket over her shoulders, surprising her. She looks up at him with a shy smile, momentarily forgetting the promise of weed picked out by a super soldier. He's such a gentleman that it's frankly obnoxious. One of his eyebrows raises at her. "Those walks included the 60s, young lady. I probably know more than you do."

"What do you remember about the 60s?" she goads as he sits down next to her.

"Plenty." Bucky props his arm up on the back of the couch, leaning into her space. She's grateful for it. Even with his jacket around her, it's freezing up here. The added warmth isn't the only reason she's grateful for it. "Personally, though, I think you would have had a better time in the 70s." He tilts his head back and forth a few times. "At least the parts of it I fucked around in."

The mental image of the Winter Soldier undercover in some sleazy disco hits her like a ton of bricks. It feels wildly inappropriate, even with him talking about it that openly. All the fantasies she has of Bucky do. Especially the ones she uses to get herself off lately.

"I'm going to take your word for it," she murmurs. There's so much potential there to poke at him. He's offering up the bait on his end. Hell, there's still the list of weed names to dig for. But she can't get her mind to latch onto any of it with him this close.

He nudges his chin in the direction of her hands, which are still hovering in his little heap of paraphernalia. "You should start us up so I can get you home at a reasonable hour. I don't know how fast you like to—smoke."

It's astounding how good he is at riding the line between being a gentleman and a terror.

Ava looks back down at her hands with a smile. "That depends on the accuracy of your warning about this couch-locking me. Technically I'm off tomorrow, so I'm not about to say no."

"Do you smoke medicinal strains?"

"On occasion. I started for anxiety, oddly enough. Then I noticed it helped with my mood overall." She shrugs, setting aside his box of hemp papers. There's a heavy-looking grinder and two different pipes further in. One of them's a goddamn steamroller. He sticks with quality from what she can see so far. "I feel like there's a bong that was held back from this collection."

"There's a lot that was held back. I'm not gonna parade all my ill-gotten goods through the tower." His pauses while she gets the last of it emptied out." You gonna show me how it's done or put me to the test?"

"Definitely the latter." She turns her head to smile at him innocently, pushing her glasses up her nose. It makes his lips twitch. "I don't see anything to assist rolling. Does that mean you're confident enough to show me your handiwork?"

Bucky scoffs, his expression becoming entirely unimpressed. He almost looks offended, leaning over to grab the papers and the grinder. "You're telling me you people need tools these days? After all the work I put into teaching Captain America how to do it properly?"

Ava's brows shoot up in shock. "You're fucking kidding. I figured the weed was a new development—"

"Nah, I've been smoking since my first job." He's not watching his hands much as he lays out the foundation of his work. He's primarily watching her. "Worked for a guy that owed a corner store. He had family that ran a not-so-secret farm." He turns the grinder lid enough to loosen it, then flicks it to spin it the rest of the way off with a cocky grin. "I was an outstanding employee. So was Steve once I got him hired."

"America's Sweetest Stoners," Ava coos, making him chuckle. He's not stingy about what he's rolling for them. It makes her wonder how many plants he's got set up. "Do the two of you still smoke together?"

"He doesn't bother much. Takes a lot to build up any kind of buzz with our systems, so he looks at it the same way he does drinking at this point. He still shows up whenever Banner drops off some new hybrid monstrosity for me to try." Bucky glances over at her quickly, his fingers never stopping their work. "This is from one of the normal plants, don't worry. I won't start you off that far in the deep end."

Ava shrugs. Banner's main lab is here in the tower, so there's no chance the process isn't documented. JARVIS wouldn't let her use anything that could do her actual harm. "You can if you want, but you're responsible for explaining to Tony why I'm passed out on his roof."

He gives her the most insulted look. "I wouldn't leave you up on the roof. I'd be enough of a gentleman to carry you inside."

He's ruining her life. There's no way she's going to be able to walk away from tonight without being completely wrapped around his finger. It makes her smile at him like a hopeless fucking moron. "I believe you."

Bucky brings the most well-balanced joint she's ever seen up to his mouth, licking it closed in one smooth stroke. His eyes never leave hers. It makes her swallow. The fucker smirks at her and twirls the joint between his fingers, holding it out for her inspection.

"Well?" he prompts, watching her intently as she plucks it from his hand. He's preening. Waiting for his praise.

Goddamn him, she's going to have to give it to him. The joint is so perfectly rolled it's mesmerizing. Even distribution, not pulled overly tight, and meticulously sealed. She can't remember the last time she managed to do a job half that good. Bowls have always been her go-to. It's clear that this is his.

Ava giggles at the absurdity of it all. It feels surreal to be a step away from lighting up with a cyborg PoW she first read about in primary school. "You're such a dork. Shut up and hand over the lighter before your head explodes from being over-inflated."

"Now I know I did a damn good job by today's standards." For the second time that night, she gets the overwhelming urge to kiss Bucky as he reaches for the lighter. She props the joint between her lips to distract herself and lets him light it for her when he silently offers. The flame does stunning things to the color of his eyes in the dark. "You only tell me to shut up when you're really impressed with me."

She doesn't miss that he waited until she started inhaling to make the point. It makes her roll her eyes in exasperation. Ava can tell from the first drag that his shit is going to hit harder than her usual. She turns her head to blow it away from his face, handing back the joint. He tucks it between his fingers and brings it up to his mouth in one smooth motion.

"Now look who's outright lying. I tell you to shut up for various reasons." The muscles in his neck look unfairly good when he turns to exhale. It makes her want to run her tongue up his throat. She looks back up at his face. Everything below his chin is hazardous to her health at the moment. "I don't remember any of them being because I was impressed until now."

His eyes flick back to hers, then down to her mouth as he smiles. His hand was up her dress. It was between her legs only an hour ago. And yet watching him stare at her mouth still feels obscene. "You've got a real funny way of stroking my ego, doll."

"I get the feeling you enjoy it," Ava counters, snatching the joint from his fingers. "I wouldn't do it otherwise. You're always welcome to suggest an alternative."

"No, thanks. I'm a pretty big fan of what you do to me."

Damn. Him.

Yes, the question was a check-in. Yes, she was trying to get a read on how far he wants this to go. Then he had to go and double down without hesitation. She knows by now what door he's trying to invite her through.

Ava is so not brave enough for this conversation. It's not—it's complicated. She really shouldn't be working on his case if they're going to go down this road, at least not as his primary surgeon. She'll have to pass it on to Hannah and have a few very embarrassing conversations with a handful of people. Ones that involve fessing up to wanting to fuck Bucky Barnes.

She's not saying no. But she's not brave enough to say yes. At least not tonight, up here on the roof.

Ava leans back against the couch, feeling his arm curl in around her shoulders. "Good. Let me know if that changes."

—

u dont get to yell at me for the edging, i warned u that im gonna leave an * on smut chapters. anything less than Full Fuckin aint gettin the badge 😤 i have a Standard to uphold in this house of sin

(tho if anyone feels there shoulda been a warning tag for smthing you can always lemme know bb 💞)

also ill never be able to properly articulate how much i love writing cranky old fart bucko. heartstopper is stupid fun, feral trauma man keeps me on my toes, but stick-shaking geezer mode??? mr. “kids these days with their MEMES” himself??? beautiful. fantastic. superb. his final form, truly 🤌 i yearn to write more of it

anyways there are writers on the internet that can make their slow burn wholesome. in all my years on this space rock of ours, ive never been one of them

even if i do write the longfic of the sunshine dweebs steve and paige, that probably wont be all that wholesome of a slow burn either ajdhdskjfdjsjf. they ARE my tooth rotting fluff ship tho. mmm okay so maybe paige is a tragedy in disguise but its ME so thats expected 😌 the babes that like their romance extra sappy and cutesy take a lotta shit and deserve a Safe Space and steve rogers fits that bill, imho

bucky is for the babes that like to verbally get their hair pulled before hearing ily 🥰

the good news is, i get a few more chapters in this fic to torture you with before i let bucko and ava do the Big Sin (not murder, the other one. no, not hand holding, the other other one) 😌💖💞

also PieAnnamay's comment reminded me that i never linked my fav buckaroo fic, safe with me!!! for anyone else that hasnt stumbled upon bitsandbobsandstuff, i cant recommend them enough. i HIGHLY encourage you to go read through all their works while you’re waiting for updates on this, the bucky and steve fics are 😫🤌 perfection (i promise when i finally have a day to really do tumblr stuff, ill make a list of my fav fics/writers in my pinned post. i promise i will try to get to it Soon, i still havent even caught up on chapter posts there asldhfsadf)

❤️ https://archiveofourown.org/works/13798047/chapters/31721565

#chapter update #bro why are these such a pain in the ass to make #no for real how the FUCK did the formatting of this website get worse while i was away #like H O W #not to mention the fact that i STILL have to go grab raw html from ao3 just to get this shit to copy correctly #its been over a decade #90% of the user base of this website is fandom with active writers #w h y is that st i l l a thiNG

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icedteaandoldlace · 1 year

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For the fic writing game - 3, 6, 13, and/or 28

3. Do you share your fic ideas, or do you keep them to yourself?

It depends. I very rarely share my fic ideas in my offline life. If someone who knows that I write asks what I'm working on, I'll answer (in varying levels of detail, depending on who it is), but I don't normally volunteer any information about what I'm writing otherwise. I'm much more open to talking about my fic ideas on Tumblr, and I'll make several posts about something I'm working on and tag them with the fic's initials (if I have a title already), though I tend to keep things vague until the fic is posted, unless either someone asks me about them directly or I need help with something (picking a title, finding a good synonym, having something beta read, etc.). I really enjoy talking about my fic ideas, but not if I don't think the person I'm talking to is really interested. I'm also big on keeping certain things under wraps until they're posted, because I don't wanna give everything away if someone is interested. It's a balancing act.

6. What’s the last line you wrote?

Caitlin just smiled. "Don't be."

13. Do you listen to music while you write? If yes, what have you been listening to recently?

I do, and I usually just shuffle my whole library. My main focus right now is a hurt/comfort fic, and while working on that, I recently discovered that certain Hawk Nelson songs instantly put me in the writing ZONE because I listened to them a lot when I was younger and writing super dramatic/angsty stuff (and that was the edgiest music I was allowed to listen to at the time).

Also, I just had a new WIP strike a few days ago, and I've been playing Poker Face by Lady Gaga and Glow In The Dark by The Wanted a lot, because they fit that fic's vibe really well.

28. What area of writing do you want to improve in?

Speed in finishing + focusing on one fic at a time (two things that go hand in hand tbh).

#ask #starstruckpurpledragon #ITF

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dzpenumbra · 2 years

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9/30/22

This might be an intense one. I wanna refer back to earlier tonight, a big wake-up. Maybe a memory, I know I've discovered this before, but it's like... I just sorta understand it better than I did back then? I'm being vague, let me elaborate.

I was recording for Session, trying to get some clips to put on Instagram as like... a test market before crossposting on YouTube too. I wanna treat learning how to skate with a controller in Session Hardcore mode the way I've been treating learning how to skate on a real board or snowskate. I want to document my progress, daily, weekly, whatever ends up working best. I was filming for this, and by the end of the night, ended up with a little reel which came out pretty sick tbh. About halfway through, I was thinking about music again. Here it is, I uncovered the lead-up, sick, I forgot until now!

So I was listening to MrSuicideSheep - I've been listening to his mixes a LOT over the past... like 8 years honestly. I had suggested just the day before that my brother do playlists of music, searching through Soundcloud for unsigned, undiscovered good music. That way I have good shit to play on stream, don't have to worry about DMCA and I can promote small artists all at the same time. Win across the board. Then I went... yo... why am I just sitting here waiting for him to "think about it". That's like 90% of the time guaranteed to be a "no". When I could just fuckin do it myself. I could even stream my searches for music. Digging through the bowels of Soundcloud, looking for musicians with like 20 followers that are actually really damn good, giving honest, real artistic/musical critique as I go. When I played out this scenario in my head, which was very vivid, I referred to myself by my old moniker. My old persona, who happened to be my primary musical persona.

What happened was that I took my music persona and mixed it with things that I'm not proud of. Nothing horrible, just embarrassing. In a time that I was very sad and very lonely, and attached to whatever people would take me in like a stray dog wandering in a bad neighborhood. And, to be fair, put on anti-psychotics for... help sleeping??? This has happened to me quite a few times in my life, it's a very clear recurring pattern. But this one just sticks with me. I don't feel comfortable going into any more detail than that.

When I got in my last relationship. Let's just paint the scene here first. My ex broke up with me when I hurt my leg in 2010. I dated 1 girl inbetween and went on like 4 dates. I didn't date my last ex until about 2015-2016. I don't date a lot. Because I give every candidate a full chance, not half my attention, or purely lust. Because I'm looking for a partner, not something to entertain me because I'm bored. When I started dating this last one, very quickly I had begun to plot the dismantling of my former persona. Former dominant persona, I should say. This was the nickname every friend I had in college knew me by, I was called that name more often than my real name. It was my old username for a lot of stuff, dating back very far. I had to have a viking funeral for him. I had to shut everything down, delete most of the traces that remained, and try to move on.

But I was young. I didn't know what I was doing with it. I just expected if I kill off part of my ego, that something better would just grow back or something. Maybe I wasn't thinking, or I was taking peoples' words for it that it was the right thing? Or just acting on faith? I don't know what it was. But what happened, to the best of my recollection, was that I lost my sense of self. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I didn't recognize the woman I was dating. I lost direction and purpose. I started feeling physically ill.

It wasn't a sudden collapse of my subpersona, it was building for a long time. He wasn't happy, he wasn't doing what he wanted. He was making compromises left and right, and the compromises always took more than they gave, by a wide margin. When I couldn't take any more, I saw the opportunity to settle down and start a family and swan dived towards it. As I stated in the last paragraph, it did not go well.

I've told the story of what happened since then before. What I really want to focus on is the impact of what happens to you when you kill off, or ask to leave, or dissolve, I don't know a good word for it... banish? Exile? Something like that. Banish works. What happens when you banish your primary identity. The person you identify as. The person that you are comfortable in the skin of, whose name spoken out loud makes your head turn. Bad shit.

I wonder if this is what they mean by ego death. Google time. What's pretty cool is the first Google search result is Timothy Leary. I have a book of his, I really should read it sometime. It's not that long. Anyway, I don't know if this that I'm talking about is full-on ego death, so I still don't know what to call it.

But that moment of burning that old life down. I guess in Tarot it would be a Tower moment, right? Tearing down the old habits, the old monument of the life before - in the card it's by a lightning strike, but I think I just kinda played god on that one and said "fuck it, it's time to evolve."

I tried to bring him back a few years later. The first time I split up with my ex for like 2 weeks, I immediately tried to resurrect him. But I didn't just bring him back the way he was, I tried to revive a spiritually enlightened form of him. It resulted in one of the best songs I've ever written. Hands down. And a massive shift in my lyric writing style, a giant growth spurt. Then, I went back to my ex. Like a big ol dumdum. And he went away. Then I left her for good. And after a few months of trying to patch my life together... and some major changes... I brought the resurrected old me back for a second spin.

This time, it got wild. This time, I tried to take my old self that was fused with spiritual self, and add in my weed-smoking hippie self from college. The combination was jarring for most. I think they forgot those old faces, and seeing them talk about spirituality out of nowhere threw a lot of them off. I mean, in hindsight, they were all self-absorbed assholes either way, because who the fuck doesn't support someone dealing with a major breakup, the loss of their purpose in life and two nearby deaths? Crazy shit.

But yeah, I had to banish him too. I clung to him for a long fuckin time. I was literally in a therapists office in a meeting in tears when I told him it had to happen. That I was grieving already and I was just so tired of having to tell this guy to leave. I love him. He's a huge part of me. But people around me keep taking offense to parts of him, I don't even see what it is anymore.

I'm tired. I'm gonna need to pass out. But I really wanted to touch on this because it had me crying a bit and apologizing to my cat for - I want to stop saying "killing", he's not dead at all, he can't die, he's a character - banishing her father. I apologized for how disorienting that must have been. She just looked at me funny, started purring and tried to go to sleep on my lap. So I'd say we reached a pretty firm understanding between us. XD

Bed time. More packing tomorrow. Hope I can get my brother involved for creative projects, I have a ton of ideas and they're gonna take up every minute of my time if I have to do all of them myself. The amount of content I could crank out if I had a good editor that knows what he's doing... it's pretty staggering to think about. Fingers crossed.

#diary #journal #stream of thoughts #spilled thoughts #online journal #stream of conscious writing #self care #self improvement #mental health

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multi-lefaiye · 2 years

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hi multi, i hope u feel better soon! is there any symbolism in fragile things or modern ghost story?

thank you, bat, i really appreciate that ❤

alright, i wanna talk about fictional people, so i'm gonna ramble a bit!! and i'm gonna talk about fragile things first <3 my sad little gay people make me so so happy <3 then i wanna talk a bit about a modern ghost story as well. both!!!

Fragile Things:

so at the moment there's not too much in the way of direct or obvious symbolism for Fragile Things that isn't Massive Spoilers, but there's one thing i've thought about that's like... really been rotating in my head rent so fast. so i'll try to talk about it as vaguely as possible to avoid giving away too much.

so the supernatural elements in fragile things, which haven't come up yet in what i've shared, might seem kinda arbitrary at first but they're very much meant to mirror the troubles in arthur and noah's relationship, especially as they get worse. i don't know how to explain the details without just outlining exactly how arthur dies, but i'll go ahead and just say the realization i came to without explaining it too deeply (cw suicide mention):

i realized recently that the entire story of fragile things, and then bleeding over eden (which takes place four years later), reads as a metaphor for the guilt and devastation that comes with someone you love taking their own life.

like that's not what happens, but it's not a difficult interpretation and honestly i think i might... lean into that, a bit? it's definitely dark and sad but that's what this whole thing is, babey!!!

even though the supernatural elements of fragile things/bleeding over eden aren't as important as the relationships between the characters, they serve a very important symbolic purpose for those relationships.

alright i'm making myself a little sad here, but anyway here's a list of other little symbolic touches:

a few months after arthur and noah finally do get together romantically, they adopt a cat together (i'm still deciding on a name for her, but i've got some ideas), and the cat is a very not-subtle symbol of the good in their relationship. the cat's health starts declining around the same time that the cracks in the foundations of their relationship start to show.

this might be a little silly but i'm attaching some symbolic value to noah's hair as well--at first, he hates his hair so much and wants nothing more than to cut it all off, but as he becomes more comfortable with himself he grows it out more and takes better care of it. like... noah's hair length correlates roughly with his self esteem as the story progresses.

a big theme in the story is the idea of the expectations placed on you by your parents, and this is most obvious with arthur. there's a lot of little things that arthur does as the story progresses to go against his parents' expectations, and essentially that's like. his whole thing for a while. i can't think of a specific example off the top of my head but trust me on this.

okay i'm getting in my feelings about these two so i'm gonna try and write about them, but first! a little about A Modern Ghost Story as well <3

A Modern Ghost Story:

okay so most of the symbolism i have in mind for a modern ghost story centers around roach tbh- roach is just my favorite <3 but my favorite thing i've done with roach is that i'm like... trying to very much associate them with wings imagery, and i have a Couple Of Reasons for this.

the obvious choice is the association with freedom, because so much of roach's personality is their desire to be free from others' expectations and judgments of them. kind of an obvious reach but yeah <3

without going into why too much just yet. i think there could be some icarus parallels here. don't worry about it.

also the wings imagery ties back to their ex, vulture, and how much he shaped their life and outlook. they downplay it a bit whenever they talk about him, but he had a huge impact on them that hasn't gone away. i'm thinking that as they move on more from vulture, the less and less wings will be associated with them.

also this is a little sidenote but uhhh fun fact roach has tattoos of wings on their back <3 i'm not subtle <3

#talk to the bunnykitty #long post #bat time all the time #a modern ghost story #fragile things wip #roach my beloved #thank u for the ask! sorry for the delay!

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arcadequeerz · 2 years

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* what are some of ur ideaz !! im not Super familiar with scribblez but i wanna know !! (if u wanna share ofc oseihfnc)

AAA OKIE- I'll share what me n my friend Kit have rambled about, am just gonna: copy n paste it from discord, so if it's worded weirdly/formatted oddly that is Why! This isn't all set in stone, but its like- what we've come up with Thus Far and I love it: so much. So Not all of it is like. Fully thought out.

TW For Blood? Unreality? Idk if I need 2 tw for that, but JIC- nOTHING rly detailed so dw.

Catboy Steven is me, and Men's Tits Enthusiast is my friend Kit NKGJMFKDSJNG

Men's Tits Enthusiast: So, this is still going to be kinda BATIM-ish in that it's based on cartoons, but it's kinda hard to think of something that doesn't involve something Vaguely BATIM related tbh--

This is the most basic idea without any proper details but. Scribbles being a cartoon character and he's the first one to notice that this life he's living is actually a cartoon - no one else around him notices, but Scribbles will have moments of clarity, thinking about how he's sure he's lived out this day before, or that the world seems... flat, with moments of darkness that he can only vaguely remember (aka, the same episode is running again, or the TV has been turned off or the channel has changed)

I don't know what cartoon character he'd be or what show or anything (that stuff is more for you to do to add detail n everything) but I was thinking that Scribbles isn't just this cartoon character - he's the cartoon character that is currently on that television

I don't know how to explain it but basically, Scribbles is just the version of that character that is connected to one TV - he's the only version of this character that is self aware. Another TV in another house can be playing the show at the same time as him but that's not him, just another version playing out the same cartoon world as the same character

When Scribbles finally comes to the conclusion that he's not this character, he's not even really a person, he finally becomes Scribbles but instead of being made of ink he's made of static

Basically think of this as almost like the Truman Show in a way

Anyway that's all I got JFBBC

I hope that makes some lick of sense at least

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: OK. OK OK I RLY FUCKING LOVE THAT I LOVE THAT SO MUCH

Men's Tits Enthusiast: :D mission accomplished

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: Immediate thought of how fuckin sick it would be seeing him crawl out of the tv-

Men's Tits Enthusiast: YEAH YEAH Especially if he's made of static Like any nearby electronics would just go wild- I thought that this would be a good way of keeping Scribbles as Scribbles and everything while it still being Different

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: yeaA YEA!!! I THINK IT IS TOO.

Men's Tits Enthusiast: Also I was thinking that maybe Scribbles looks the way he does in this bc he's basically borrowing body parts/features from other cartoon characters on his show, because he's just static that doesn't have a proper identity when he realises what he is so he morphs into this amalgamation-type figure bc he doesn't know how else to look

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: Immediately got some ideas.

That He's in the tv of some? family home- And just as they can watch him on tv he can see THEM through the tv. He can't really hear them- but he can see them Watching him.

Men's Tits Enthusiast: OOO YE-

what if, he can't see them at first, or at least he doesn't notice them bc he's not supposed to - it's essentially a blind spot until he gets moments of clarity and that's when he realises there are people watching him

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: yes yes yes yes yes. also yes abut the whole- amalgamation thing- I LOVE THAT idea.

I'm kind of seeing it as like- The world is like? flat- 2d- but he can like- look to his side, and see the like- Screen of the tv- and he can see through that to whoever it is that's watching him.

Immediate thought of like..The house has gone through: a lot of families, And he's seen a l o t of people pass through the houses doors. He grows attached to these people! How could he not? He's meant to entertain them afterall!

Men's Tits Enthusiast: Whenever the channel changes or the TV is off, Scribbles and the show don't stop existing but they do just... stop

Every character will be frozen in place, just mindlessly waiting for everything to start again. They don't consciously register this because they don't have any levels of self awareness - they don't know that this is all fake, just a cartoon on a TV

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: AAAAAAA

Men's Tits Enthusiast: God I just realised something

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: I LOVE THT. But also the idea of like. when the TV is shut off it just. Theres Nothing- No one- He's alone, and he has No One. It's dark and silent and Empty. He can sort of make out the shapes of the other characters in the dark, but they don't move. They don't talk- But he can.

Men's Tits Enthusiast: This is basically just Doki Doki Literature Club in a way-

Scribbles is the only conscious one here, he's the only one who knows what this all is, even if it does take him a while to actually fully figure it out

When he does get closer to understanding though, he comes to the realisation that his friends just. Aren't real. They could be, if they become self aware like he is, but right then they're just... nothing

Scribbles has known his friends for his entire life, he automatically knows all the canon, everything about them, but none of that is real. It's all scripted, all acted, all just completely and utterly mindless

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: YEAH. YES. He knows that there is no real semblance of self.

Men's Tits Enthusiast: Just thought of some like, internal dialogue for him-

Just.

"I want to be real. But I don't think I am"

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: AUUG.YES. GOD IDEA:

Men's Tits Enthusiast: Also was thinking that the moments of clarity Scribbles has aren't always the same: lots of the time he's conscious but only enough to be able to think - he still doesn't have control of his body, he's still moving it to the script and saying everything he should, but internally he's very briefly himself

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: So When the TV is off, It's just. Darkness, nothing- empty besides the other characters stood in place, unmoving- not talking- He kind of just. Talks to them. Rambles to them because well, he has nothing else he can do now can he!

yYEAH. I am imagining he can try and break character- but it like. Breaks everything else when he does, or tries to.

Also thinking that he can still like, see out of the TV when its off. So He can see whatever people are doing through the screen while its off but they can't see Him. So he kinda just. Watches Them, or talks to the other characters, just does whatever he can to keep himself busy. When the family is asleep, and the tv is off, is when its the hardest- because he truly just. Feels Alone. He tries telling him his friends are here! But. They aren't really.

Men's Tits Enthusiast: When he first tries stepping closer to the people outside, he quickly realises there's an invisible wall between them so he can't

He'll stand against it sometimes though, just watching the world pass by

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: He likes to watch. I'm also thinking that there's a few times where he's tried to get through to people who've lived in the house. It never really. Goes the way he wants it to.

He's seen a lot of people pass through the house over the years. so many people. He tries very hard to remember their names. He sometimes wonders why he's there? Why there is: Anything. And why he is a constant.

me:

my brain: what if Scribbles sees someone get murdered in the house?

me: why would you say this.

Men's Tits Enthusiast: HAS HE NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: I GUESS NOT! It has a big impact on him.

I'm imagining that- the person broke in the house, It's the dead of night when it happens- He's just leaned back against the screen of the tv when he finally notices that: Someones there, and its not someone he's ever seen in the house before this- He's naive, he doesn't realize they have bad intentions: dude doesn't even know what murder is!

Men's Tits Enthusiast: he doesn't even know what death is either- he doesn't comprehend what he's actually seeing

Catboy Steven 🌈🐈: YEAH.

It kinda- Breaks him I guess- He doesn't know why the person has a knife. He doesn't know why they're putting it into the other person- He doesn't understand what all the red is- It gets on the screen. He doesn't understand why the person isn't moving, lying on the floor in a growing pool of blood as the person's over them.

I'm imagining that: the person looks up from the body, and it's almost like they make eye contact with him. The person stares at the tv screen, theres blood on their face. For a moment, it feels like they're looking at him- It makes something snap in him. After a few seconds they wipe the blood off their face and stand up and leave the room.

He just stands there in completely silence, watching the unmoving body on the floor.

#Cade Answers #Cade's Writing #KINDA #Cade's Characterz #i think thts my oc tag..#thts all i got about it so far but i love it: so much

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skypied · 2 years

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I am distraught, thank you! I really like what you’re doing with all this. While I do love all of the fluffy fics that have them get together after a good amount of pining and then living happily ever after, that’s not really… how it works.

Okay, I got some follow up questions!! First, how does their breakup affect the people around them? Is either one blamed as the person who dumped or broke the other’s heart? Is there anyone who might try to pressure them back together after seeing how upset the breakup make them?

And is there any communication between them while they’re broken up? Or have they completely cut themselves off? And Luca would have to visit portorosso at some point, to visit his family or Giulia or something, right? Would they completely avoid talking to or acknowledging each other or would it be like. a really sad, tenuous truce between them?

Also, would this fic connect with or take place after any of your other fics? The bit about Luca taking things out on Alberto reminded me of “don’t worry, darling, this too shall pass” and then I got thinking in circles about your other fics and I realized that I’ve kinda always assumed that almost all of your fics exist in the same timeline (except fics like significantly insignificant or the aquarium au where they literally can’t be from the same universe), what with how many of them seem to fit together in a specific order or reference each other (I have been thinking of it as the “Skypie Literary Universe” in my head). My monkey brain is trying to jam all this in that same timeline, and is very grouchy about the fact that it literally can’t coexist with the entirety of untitled Genova shenanigans.

Last thing, I am so glad that you’re planning on a happy ending. I need it,,, And it does also make sense to me that after a chance to realize that it hadn’t been healthy and once they get more independent and learn how to be functional, emotionally intelligent people on their own, they would be able to manage being together again. They need to be happy together. for their emotional fulfillment but also more importantly for MY emotional fulfillment.

I think I might’ve had something else to say but I completely forgot what it was. I’ll come back if I remember or think of anything else! Goodnight!

"I am distraught, thank you!" might become my new favorite thing to quote. It's like "Thanks, I hate it!" except for things related to angst.

Yeah! That's kind of exactly what I wanna explore too, something more complicated and less fairytaley. Incoming rambling again.

You're tbh asking questions I don't know the answer to. One of the reasons I struggle to write bigger stories is I am really kind of, a mix between uninterested and not capable of writing larger settings and more characters beyond having pop-up appearances in which they're cardboard cutouts. (I feel, at least.) BUT If this is happening, this is stuff I need to figure out. Although a lot of this is stuff that would happen after where the fic ends in my mind - it's good to know where it's heading. (and wrt a potential follow-up fic, oh god, I don't want to 😂)

I think most people in Portorosso would put the blame on Luca, because he is the one who leaves, they have a firmer relationship with Alberto and they would see how wrecked he is afterwards. I really doubt Alberto would ever tell anyone any details, beyond something vague like "yeah we didn't want the same things / life just sent us down separate paths ig" stuff.

I think it'd be kind of funny and interesting if "what happened between Luca and Alberto" kind of becomes the town's favorite go-to theories to gossip about over. Like, it's a small town! Someone divorcing would be hot gossip for months on end, and still years later be theorizing the reason why and everything that happened afterwards, right? I think most of the people around town would have a tendency to defend Alberto, especially as time goes on and he continues to be a beloved staple of the town, and eventually grow almost hostile towards Luca. Both bc of Alberto, and the small town attitude of "look at mr. fancypants going to university in Rome, too big for his hometown".

Luca's family would obviously take his side, but I think they'd end up hearing some of this gossip and be a little put off by it, and get kind of insecure about if maybe the rumors are right, is their little Bubble an asshole?? And when they talk with Luca, I feel like it's this tense silence of "we all know what happened but can't acknowledge it" that drives a bit of a wedge between them. Like, Alberto's been the most important person in Luca's life for five(?) of his most formative years. He's gotta have some kind of positive relationship with the Paguros, and they likely end up seeing Alberto more than Luca bc of proximity. Maybe they first try to take Luca's side by being cold towards Alberto, but that resolve ends up melting bc of him helping them with farm work (Alberto wouldn't stop feeling the obligation to do that - bless his soul), and seeing he's still sweet and kind and tries his best to not let more awkwardness than neccessary between them.

I'm unsure about Giulia's place in all this. I think that depends a lot on what she does after school. I really love Giulia being closer to Luca than Alberto, they just have that BFF energy, but if she were to stay in Genova or Portorosso I think she'd have a hard time not ending up taking Alberto's side, too. She's a lot smarter than both of them though, I could see her being the person who's able to see both their sides and be equally as good a friend to both of them. And I think maybe both boys know that, and would refrain from telling her too many details, too.

Not sure how much Luca would visit Portorosso - I think he'd end up finding it a bit of a hassle. I think he'd try to get part time jobs both to have more spending money and kind of have an excuse to not come home for long periods.

Still very vague on post-breakup. I have been playing around with an ending scene that's Alberto turning around and showing up on Luca's doorstep the morning after leaving him in Rome ready to beg to figure things out. (And without the Luca having a one-night stand I mentioned in the A/N of hard feelings, haha). It ends up in a huge argument where Luca finally shows his anger and says what's bothering him. This is bound to be changed, I think, but rn I borrowed the "baseline" of his statement/argument from a song: “Because I’m terrible and I hate myself so fucking much for it, and I just keep tearing you down, ‘cause the day you realize how amazing you are you’re gonna leave me.” I mentioned this a little in the previous post, but I think the deepest fear Luca has in this fic verse is being really, truly alone, to the point that he turns that outwards in form of anger and passive aggressivity.

(song is a lot more positive than it sounds, but one of my fav Luberto songs too <3)

While the fic is Luca's POV and would mostly be focused on him and everything he's repressing, there's a lot of stuff Alberto also has been repressing, and getting the lid off that pressure would help a lot. I think this argument is the imploding their relationship needs. I think they'll both find a lot of relief after it, and in some way trust each other more because they're finally actually honest. I think they'd leave off with a "this hurts, but we both agree this is for the best" and go their respective ways. I'm not sure how their friendship would be going forwards - if they cut contact. If I were to write a follow up set, what, five years or something later, I'd love the "sad tenuous truce".

But I do think I want an optimistic end to the road trip. Not happy, bc I really believe they need to be separated and develop, but leaving feeling like they've resolved the worst of their issues leaving them with less resentment and more hope for some kind of distant future. Would be fun if it turned into a kind of angsty friends with benefits situation whenever Luca returns to Portorosso, but would also be v v cute and delicious if they both keep their feelings for each other, but end up pining far too long because they don't want to ruin their renewed friendship, and being even more reluctant to enter a relationship again because they already fucked it up so bad. But I really doubt I'd write anything beyond the "day after breakup resolution" scene, bc I really like that as a very neat and natural period to the fic.

Hm! I really don't think anything outside the untitled Genova shenanigans is connected in my head. I do see the connection from this idea to "don't worry, darling" - but I see it more as "this is an aspect of Luca's character I'm interested in exploring more" - just as for instance "Compromises" was about exploring more feral dumbass boys, and "Polaris" was about letting them be cheesily romantic, etc.

Which is exactly why I mostly write oneshots - I really struggle to write something that feels consistently characterized over longer things with more scenes. But you're very welcome to connect anything you want. Heck, you can scramble the Genova shenanigans timeline to fit with this roadtrip fic idea, if you want to. Though in his wedding speech to Luca, Alberto references how hard Luca has worked to keep him, bc Alberto pushed him away with every opportunity he got. So the dynamic is really different. And - with "don't worry, darling", the "taking out anger" aspect is very different, imo - there it is "I trust you enough to help me deal with this, I know you'll forgive me for occasionally being horrible and still love me", while in roadtrip verse, it's "I have no fucking clue how to deal with this besides taking it out on you but not caring if it hurts you because it’s easier than trying to figure it out myself" that slowly breaks the trust between them. BUT LIKE! This is all things that exist in my head and isn’t out in the world yet, so 🤷 You do anything you want to puzzle everything together in your monkey brain!

Man, you bringing up Genova shenanigans + me rereading some stuff from it yesterday reminded me how much I love the fun, carefree nature of writing it. I really should get back on that, too. Just trying to write the wedding feels too big and important for me to handle in a satisfying way - again coming back to the "I can't write bigger settings or more characters".

But I fucking love that there is a Skypie literary universe in your head. I've been calling it my "LCU" - the "Luberto Cinematic Universe" in my head 😂 Also, how do you even remember the aquarium AU, I never talk about it any more, because that, too, is permanently iced, because I can't handle the larger setting and my own insecurities about characterization. Trying my best to ignore the need I feel to make things Important and Meaningful and just have fun.

But yes! The happy ending is increasingly calling to me too. I love the conclusion of "we both fucked up but let's make it work". Especially prefer it over the ending C in my head, which is a continuation of ending B (with Luca having a one night stand and Alberto being unable to forgive him), ending in a tense, never resolved silence between them, and Luca never getting over how much he hurt Alberto and ends up an extremely worn down alcoholic teacher at the university.

And thanks for asking as always, I get so happy when you show interest and let me ramble, it helps sort out a lot of thoughts to have to explain them to someone who knows close to nothing about the idea! <3 do come back if you remember what you were thinking of!

#skypieposts #skypiefics #i think this fic needs it own tag by now ... if nothing else for my own convenience of finding it again #fucked up road trip fic #skypiechats

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