Today on "am I not healthy or am I psychic"
Are the shadows in the corners of my eyes really there, or do I need to drink water and take a nap?
the world may never know
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It hurts a little to get ready to go to mom and dad's house after 2 long weeks of not seeing them at all because I feel like I'm always the one going over there even though they don't let me make myself at home there every weekend. It's just not fair really. I guess I get why they are like that in some ways, but since I have my own place now it shouldn't be too much to ask to be able to keep clothes over there and not have to use a separate bedspread and sheets set every time I go there. It's so much effort. And it's not right.
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People act like there’s an Us vs Them and that it’s for example Neurodivergent People vs neuerotypical, but like, I hang with a lot of people who have adhd like me, and they’re great and I love them and I feel sane and normal among them and also I know one person who has adhd like me and I can not be in the same room with them cause they make So Much Noise and the noise settles in my head and pushes my own thoughts out entirely and I get unreasonably angry, cause they won’t stop even when I ask them, and knowing fully well that I too can be a bit much sometimes doesn’t help.
And there’s people who afaik are neurotypical and Do Not Get It but their presence calms me down and they give me food and let me relax on their couch a little and say Oh no don’t worry it’s no trouble at all I love you oh you have adhd? No I never thought you were weird I just thought you were you.
And I know one person who isn’t diagnosed but they definitely have something going on and they told me I’m a calming presence cause I can dissect any situation and tell them what the core problem is and wether or not it’s actually a problem. And I’m glad I can do that for them but also my social battery is drained so much more quickly than theirs and they move at an entirely different speed when it comes to relationships.
I’m not sure what this puzzle is. Probably that we need variety. I need people who just let me be and I need people who challenge me and I need people who tell me the truth even if it might hurt my feelings a little and I need people who I can pass the kindness on to. I need people who I can work with well and who will go on the same wars as me and I need people who will pick me up by the scruff like a kitten and tell me I need to calm the fuck down, and I need people with whom I can talk about How Pretty That Dress In That Fantasy Movie Is, You Know The Dress The One That Sparkles.
I used to be like “Where’s my people and where do I look for them”, but I’m starting to think that’s the mistake. Because not to be like “well we’re all one people and we’re called the human race” (especially because some of my people aren’t people but dogs), but that’s what it comes down to isn’t it? There’s no us vs them and if there is, there’s infinite us’s and them’s and they’re all overlapping. We all need each other because existence is a puzzle.
Idk man, I have a headache
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concept, cause the dynamics at play would be super interesting:
when Tuk and Neytiri are sucked into the hold of the Seadragon, what if Spider, unwilling to watch another one of this baby siblings, nor his siblings mother (despite everything cause he's a good kid), die without doing anything, jumps in after them?
they're now stuck in a flooding ship, spider knows his way around to a decent extent, they're all tired, they're all scared, they're all hurting. they have to depend on each other for survival.
Neytiri has to not only trust Spider, but has to follow his lead, has to trust him to guide her around a demon ship, has to untrust not only her own life, but the life of her youngest child to this boy.
Maybe they're separated, they have to find one another (my personal favorite scenario is that Tuk and Spider are together and he has to try and find her/guide Neytiri to him)
Spider taking Neytiri and Tuk's arms so they aren't separated by stray currents and raging waters (a parallel to "Sully's stick together"). Spider talking them through the breath holds he learned as a kid in case his mask malfunctioned before bringing them through the depths of the submerged ship (parallel to Jake and Lo'ak)
anyway. I just can't stop thinking about it. think about it.
Neytiri is faced with the fact that Spider jumped in after her and Tuk. he came for them, he put himself in danger to save them, to save her daughter. even after what she did to him. even after she held a knife to him, after she cut him, after she intended to kill him even after Kiri was released. he still jumped to her aid, even if he could have stayed with Kiri above deck where he was safe, he could have just aided Tuk and left her behind, but he didn't.
and there's so many ways to play with it and the aftermath. like.
Spider dragging both Tuk and Neytiri up the surface, trying his best to keep the trio afloat (namely Neytiri who was much less adjusted to the water and is exhausted by the night they've had) as they hope and pray to be reunited with the rest of their family.
maybe the stress gets to them and Spider just starts apologizing. I should have fought them harder. I shouldn't have let Lo'ak and Neteyam try and leave with me, I would have been fine. I should have seen it coming, should have taken it myself. it should have been me. my baby brother shouldn't be dead.
maybe he becomes partly delirious as he too gives into exhaustion, the big brother in him being the only part of him left coherent, so he takes Tuk close, whispering prrnen tsmuke [baby sister] over and over into her braids, assuring himself that she's safe and unharmed. he keeps praying to the Great Mother for his siblings to return to him unharmed. maybe he keeps asking where they are, if they're safe as his awareness fades and his memory weakens. all of his siblings. asking if Neteyam is ok, only to remember he's gone the second the words leave his tongue.
Jake and Lo'ak finding them when they come up with Payakan, both worse for wear, exhausted, clinging to one another, the only thing keeping their heads above water being spiders life vest, Tuk cradled between them. what a sight.
Neytiri watching as Spider looks over each of his siblings, taking them close, holding onto them as if they will be ripped away from him. the realization that he would die before he let that happen again hitting her like a ton of bricks the second she sees the look in his eyes.
a peace being made between the two in the wake of this event. spider silently claiming the role of big brother (he always was, but he had to pretend he wasn't. with Neteyam gone, he can't pretend he's not anymore), Neytiri silently agreeing.
idk man. it would be interesting.
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