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despair-tea · 21 days

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Some of you perfectly wonderful, unique, and interesting gals a concerning proportion of the time.

#mamayuyu #cool comics #end #i should have never been born #a pretty common refrain #of course i've said my share #i still feel like this from time to time. but i'm getting better #they ended one of my favorite books in wsj #go read mamayuyu #my post

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semercury · 6 months

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I don't deserve the good things in my life because I'm a piece of shit and other things we already knew

#stuff sarah says #water is wet im a piece of shit who doesnt deserve nice things the sky is blue etc #least favorite day tomorrow #and i only ever feel guilty bc other people want it to be a nice day #like why dont you take me out back and shoot me instead? thats what i deserve #i should have never been born

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bl0gthe0w0rld · 2 years

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#my useless life #I should have never been born #Spotify

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nozomijoestar · 3 months

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Asuka is a tragic figure, a figure of mystery, a wild card, all because the only thing she wants in life is peace and quiet for herself and to feel in control- yet her secret heritage that may be hidden from her for her own protection and the reality that life is unpredictable and will go on with or without you keep ruining that delusion, that vision of how the world is meant to work to her, and she suffers regardless of what she wants, what she does, and how little she understands anything

She was born into a family preaching peace and balance and order while being a creature of violence, and puts a dozen mental locks and excuses over this truth to justify giving into her impulse for fighting by pretending she's justice when she does it

She keeps trying to build a place of safety but she's using sand and life is a wave that destroys, yet she stubbornly persists rather than give up, not drowned to the point of self centered suicidal loathing like Jin- there's contrast, where Jin is cloaked in death Asuka stubbornly clings to life and humanity as a normal person in a terrifying world

She's not a fucking narrative clone for Jun's own purpose, Asuka's purpose must be determined by Asuka herself

#tekken #Jin is born of two worlds Jun walks between two worlds Asuka is at the crossroads of two worlds #Jin is broken by it Jun traded part of her humanity to reconcile it and now Asuka has to accept it yet persist- she is always persisting #that's her strength that no matter what she's always still herself #'For being so very Y o u' as Lili told her bc she sees it #she's an interesting character BECAUSE she's not Jun and she's not Jin and she's not aligned with them entirely #stop waiting for her to be something she's not #also i think it's GOOD she doesn't know everything or everyone in her family bc that builds mystery and suspense #it gives everything a tension in the background for when the normalcy charade will be broken by the bigger family drama catching up w her #what's happening to the Mishimas should be something no one is dragged into yet the one family member who's the least connected #is going to run out of time at some point and get hit by that trauma anyway and she doesn't even Know it's coming for her eventually #isn't it fucked up. how everything catches up with you in the end #and you won't even understand it until it's too late ie. her involvement in T8 global war now #also a character that wants peace and order but actively pursues violence ensuring she will never truly have those things bc of her nature #AND she's already been traumatized by T5 Feng and T6 Jin that just makes her retreat to seeking comfort in detachment- in the familiar #which only prolongs her avoiding the world outside what she can control- and then Lili won't let her live in ignorance not to punish her #but bc she wants to help her bc the Mishimas have already put their claws in Lili- they won't catch Asuka off guard #what is it with people sanitizing the messiness and humanity characters represent in favor of 'If they just acted logically the way I want #then they'd solve the entire story 1 2 3 and we'll have everything wrapped up easy' THAT'S NOT A STORY THAT'S A MATH EQUATION #FEEL SOMETHING INSTEAD OF ALWAYS NEEDING TO SOUND SMART AND HAVE PERFECT ANSWERS YOU STUPID FUCKS #IN TRYING TO MAKE EVERYTHING HAVE A PERFECT SOLUTION YOU'VE LOST SIGHT OF WHAT'S IN THE TEXT #AND ALSO ASUKA BEING VIOLENT BUT STILL CARING ABOUT PEOPLE AND DOING GOOD DESPITE IT #and AsuLili is about two similar people who've been traumatized finding safety in each other once they put down the trauma responses #this is all in line with T8's tagline of Face Your Fate btw this is literally what was always coming finding you & you face it

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cream-and-tea · 1 month

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pallas in book one is definitely at it-cannot-possibly-get-worse-than-this ABSOLUTE rock bottom but god. there is such a specific flavour to their despair in book two that only happens because of the realization they have at the end of lay me down. like. how do you move on after admitting that everything you believed in was a lie. how do you live with what you’ve done (with what has been done to you). is it possible to pull yourself up out of the pit you’ve dug. what do you do if it isn’t. what do you do if it IS. and once you look at the damage how do you stop looking. past the first layer of hurt there’s just more and more hurt and you were used by the one person who was supposed to keep you safe to cause even MORE pain and no matter how deep you go none of it means anything! it never meant anything at all!! motherfucker your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#pallas’s whole arc in the first book is getting to the point where they go ‘maybe i? feel bad about all this?? actually???’#i cannot overstate enough that it takes an entire book to get them to that point lmao #and then it’s like. newsflash buddy now you’ve gotta DEAL with that #it really is the mental equivalent of getting into a hot bath of after being out in the cold for a whole day #and the interesting thing about pallas in the first book and their status as a villian and like. their eventual ‘oh SHIT’ moment #is that pallas doesn’t need to realize that they’re a bad person doing bad things #pallas is VERY aware that they are a bad person doing bad things #it’s actually more about realizing the harm that’s been done to them? like as a human being??#bc they very much have the attitude of ‘well of course i’m doing bad things i was born as an inherently evil person there’s nothing else #i’m capable of doing the most i can hope for is that someone points me in the right direction and i’ll be able to do the hard things #that other people cannot (and SHOULD NOT) do’#so THATS the mindset that needs to be unlearned before they can start moving forward? if that makes sense?#less ‘shit are we the baddies?’ and more ‘shit have i been horrifically abused?’#but then after that realization all the blood they’ve spilled is still there. and they should never have had to do that. no one should ever #have to do that. but they did and now they’re starting to see the full extent of what that means #and they have to find a way to live with it.#and it’s absolutely DEVASTATING.#wip: ghost story #pallas #i’ve been working on the book two outline. if you couldn’t tell. head in absolute hands rn.

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kenobihater · 2 months

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you ever write up a combination of words you're really proud of at the time bc you think it's vivid but it's actually so atrocious that you remember it eight years later bc it's burned itself into your long-term memory? just me?

#i'm literally laughing my entire ass off rn. i can't believe i found this fic i wrote at 15 and orphaned when i came to my senses abt both #my complete inability and total aversion to writing first person as well as the fact that the english language should never have been #subjected to its words being done dirty like this 😭#also i straight up fucking LIED in the authors note??? i said i'd broken my knee as a kid which is categorically false. i fell down some #stairs and banged it up and it's a tiny bit weak ig but i didn't break it? all any teens born after y2k know is eat hot chip and lie...#still not over the first line... the flip flop bit i remembered but i'd COMPLETELY forgotten 'a shriek seeped out of my throat'. girl. what.#how does a shriek seep exactly? the world may never know...#and the use of 'groped' is also sending me 😭 AND 'crash bash whump thump' girlllll send help holy shit i can't stop coughing & laughing #the rest of the fic isn't quite this bad but it's very purple yet ineloquent and rough. it's a good reminder of how much i've improved and #honestly i'd rather read this utterly amature fic bc it's at least charming in its lack of skill rather than infuriating like some of my #oneshots that are still on my page bc they're more comprehensible but just bad enough to make me cringe. getting mad at this oneshot would #be like getting bad at a kid's stick figure drawing. like. it's just kinda cute to see someone starting out on their creative journey #my old sw oneshots on the other hand are like the awkward growing pains of puberty. you just can't help but wince at the reminder #this is okay to reblog btw bc it's objectively hilarious and i don't mind ppl finding humor in it #len speaks

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neuroticboyfriend · 8 months

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IM SO TIRED OF BEING IN CONSTANT PAIN

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caffeineandkerosene · 12 days

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no food no money no job no family!!!!! just me crying and dissociating like i'm ten years old again <33333

#vent #no matter how hard i try im fucking doomed lmao #i never should have been born i hate myself so so so much #im such a pathetic piece of shit. i shouldnt exist #im. so tired #why does the world have to be so relentless and cruel. to everyone #i look around me and all i see is pointless suffering #so many people are in pain and i cant do anything to help. i cant even help myself #i am rotting i am decaying i am dead i am not real nothing is real

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quietwingsinthesky · 1 month

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Hiiiii! So, a few days ago you were talking about the whole thing with Amy, Rory, and River. And when I saw those posts a thought arose in my head and I wish to share it with you.

Since River grew up with Amy and Rory as Mels. And Mels was Amy's best friend do you think that they ever talked about children? Since I know that it can come up when talking with friends, and like... do you think that Amy might've ever expressed whether or not she wanted children?

And if she didn't, that Mels would've had to listen to her mother say that she doesn't want children? The idea is so heartbreaking and sooo interesting.

What do you think about it?

no, no, see, you're so right and this drives me wild.

because, the way i see it, i don't think amy wanted children. she's somewhere on the 'hasn't thought about it' to 'vaguely negative feelings about it happening' range to me, which falls sharply into 'Not Happening Ever Again' post-s6. (specifically, in terms of having a kid herself, even if she could, i really don't think she would. i do love that she and rory end up adopting a kid later, because that does make sense, for amy pond who grew up alone in one universe with her family swallowed by cracks in time before the doctor helped her set it right again, for her to want to make sure another child won't be alone in the world like she was. getting off-track here.)

and that's so. because the first real memory river/mels has of amy is of amy shooting at her. and depending on how well the silence fucked up the rest of her memory, it might be one of the very first memories she has at all. that's how she met her mother, crying for help and getting a bullet instead. her mother tried to kill her, so of course, you have to think. she must have needed to hear that she was wanted, right? even if she was taken away, even if amy shot her, at some point, melody must have been wanted?

river is good at getting people to do what she wants, but she is very, very bad at subtlety. and mels is younger, has less practice, so when she wants to know this, she's just going to ask. blunt and quick, easy enough because amy's used to the way mels will open her mouth and you just have to be ready to roll with what comes out if you want to keep up. it's why they're such good friends (like mother, like daughter.)

they're nine, and mels asks if amy wants kids, and amy wrinkles up her nose and says she won't have time for children, obviously, once her raggedy doctor finally comes back. they're fifteen, and amy and rory dance will they-won't they in a way that makes mels twitchy to watch, and taunting amy about wanting to have rory's babies is a good way to get on her nerves. but amy calls her gross, tells her she's got more life planned than children would leave room for, and besides, imagine her, a mom? it'd be a disaster.

mels does. a lot. she looks at her mother and just sees her best friend instead. she's not even sure what she wishes was there, but. maybe amy's right. and besides. imagine her, a daughter, instead of the ticking time bomb she really is? it'd be a disaster.

they're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, and on. mels stands on the outside of a love story that births a universe. and her. how do you compete with that? not that she would know, not yet, she hasn't been there. but it doesn't make her feel any less alienated when amy and rory talk in whispers about a half-remembered world that's bled through to this life, about roman soldiers and boxes and the big bang of belief.

all these memories, they never mention children. on amy's wedding day, she's different, not like someone remembering a dream but someone who lived it. rory stands straighter, won't leave her side, and they're both so much older than they were yesterday. maybe now, right? a wedding's as good a time as any to decide you want kids.

mels not being at amy & rory's wedding is such an obvious lazy way of them trying to explain why they totally didn't just throw this plot twist together at the last minute that i'm not even going to acknowledge it. of course she was at their wedding. she's their best friend. there's too many people around the doctor, and she wasn't ready today of all days, so despite this horrible burning need under her skin to strike, she stays her hand. doesn't let him dance with her because she might just tear his throat out if he gets too close. stays with amy and rory as the maid of honor should. she must have been there for the awkward questions that always gets asked, 'so, any plans for a baby?' 'when am i getting grandkids?' 'oh, you two are going to have gorgeous children together.' standing a few feet from amy in her wedding dress and watching her mother tense and grit her teeth and brush off the questions. watching her look nervously at rory but never ask if he means it when his mom asks him if he'd prefer a son or a daughter, and rory answers 'either one, some day, not anytime soon.'

god i'm just going on and on, aren't i. but really, what's it like to know that amy never changed her mind. the next time she sees them, she's already been born and stolen. i don't like let's kill hitler for. so many reasons. but there is something compelling about how recklessly river lashes out at the world, at the doctor. even her sacrifice at the end is almost suicidal, throwing all her regenerations into this man without knowing if that will even work or if it might kill her to do it. but it makes more sense in the context of someone who has reached the end of a long, long wait for some kind of indication, any kind, that her mother wanted to have her. and finally been told, no. she didn't choose melody.

#like. to be clear also: i don't think the fact that amy didn't want kids and really didn't have a choice in giving birth to river #means that she wouldn't love river. i think it would make their relationship Complicated but i do think amy loves her. so much.#that's her daughter but it's also her best friend.#but like. god. to spend your whole childhood hoping you'll hear about some little glimmer of yourself.#a dream. a passing mention. a debate on baby names. anything. and to hear nothing.#and river is. like. she is really really bad at relationships right? we know this.#the person she's closest to is the doctor and she spends most of her life believing *he doesn't even love her*.#we're talking about someone whose base assumption about everyone is that they will try to hurt her at some point so she should always keep #one hand armed.#and her mother. didn't choose to have her. didn't have that choice. that has to fuck her up a little.#(and also serve as proof that river is. so so bad at knowing when she is loved. because maybe amy didn't choose to have her but she named #melody pond after mels her best friend. she has been choosing river every day for the past however many years since mels decided to come #here and be near her mom and dad even if only as kids. but river still can't see it.#and. given the nature of how the ponds disappear from her life. and we never get any closure about them and river.#you have to wonder if she ever did. river song do you know your mother loves you?#having the melody-as-river reveal be so close to the end of the season and then getting rid of amy & rory before they can actually do #anything with the three of them as a messed up little family unit is the show's biggest crime. because i don't know! i don't know if river #knew her parents loved her! i don't know if she *ever* came to terms with how she was born and how they didn't need to choose her then to #choose her now! i don't know if river ever really felt comfortable thinking of them as her parents rather than her friends?#according to the transcripts. river calls amy 'mother' twice. (and 'mummy' once jokingly.) she calls rory 'father' once. and 'dad' in angel #in manhattan. and it just. it drives insane right? it's almost weirdly formal. like the words aren't right but she knows she should say the #and. and. i don't think i'm ever going to get over river song.#i think that's the takeaway here.#ask #doctor who #river song #amy pond #rory williams

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despair-tea · 21 days

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#mamayuyu #mamama #cool comics #i should have never been born #i am in emotional pain #she is 38 and loves her son #read mamayuyu #my post

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bigeyedchangelingchild · 2 months

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On today's disability day of mourning, I would like to remind people that the first victims of the nazi regime were disabled people. Disabled people were considered to have "life unworthy of life" and to be "useless eaters." This rhetoric was not left in the '40s; people continue to believe similar things about disabled people and our value, and there are still disabled people murdered around the world by their families or caregivers. Today is a day of mourning, but I would also like to reaffirm that this rhetoric is wrong; we all have value as human beings, regardless of our differences, regardless of our needs, and regardless of our economic output.

#Being in Vienna on today's disability day of mourning means that the victims of the holocaust #have been top of mind #I'm a subway ride away from the hospital that killed nearly 800 disabled children #And I know that my grandmother born pre-mature in 1940 #would have been considered life unworthy of life #Vienna has improved undoubtably #but I can't help but feel the acute difference in how many fellow disabled people I see in public #Compared to Canada or even other countries I have visited #The loss of those children #and all disabled people murdered by the nazi regime #still has echos in todays world #My grandmother is still alive some of those children would still be alive today had it not been for the rhetoric that they were unworthy #They never got a chance to become adults but they should have

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rnoonjelly · 4 months

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NAVIA STORY QUEST????? 😭😭

#HURTS....#this guy being like "u should have never been born everyone you've ever loved died for you and u aint even worth it” and trying to kill her #and Navia out here 1 day later like “ok. i don't forgive u but u can still visit in the future bc this is ur home” ???? BRO #SHES TOO NICE FR WHAT IS THIS #AND THEN SHES EMBARASSED FOR BEING VULNERABLE FOR LIKE 3 SECONDS??? help #If I had the fucking month she's had It'd be my villain arc #fontaine spoilers #navia story quest spoilers #genshin impact #Genshin stuff

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perenlop · 11 months

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i get the frustration with so many villains now getting treatment like “oh they had a sucky childhood so actually you need to feel bad for them and not hold them accountable for their actions” but the counter of “this person was born evil and cant ever grow and its pathetic to assume that they can, also people cant be redeemed no matter what and this is fantastic writing actually” is so exhausting.