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gay-dorito-dust · 13 days

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I have been binging your work!

I don't know if this breaks your trauma rule or not, but (with the guys of your choosing as long as Ratio is there) how would the guys react to losing reader (they haven't confessed feelings yet) during a mission and thinking they died. Then, the reader reappears a week later bandaged up, but alive. Maybe spouts their confession first? ˘͈ᵕ˘͈

I adore your writing. Thank you!

This is way too fucking long, so be warned. It’s like I rammed 4 mini stories in one but got lost at some point cuz I left this ask to collect dust. Also thanks for enjoying my writing it’s much appreciated. :) 🦦🐿️

Sunday:

The moment he got news that you’ve been assumed dead in the aftermath of a dangerous mission, he looses composure really quickly.

Loosing Robin was one thing but loosing you on top of that was the straw that broke the camels back.

He originally doesn’t believe that you were gone, he refuses to as he practically tears his office to shreds in a fit of anger and grief before forcing himself to regain composure and clean up after his outburst. He needed to in order to keep up the illusion that he was the levelheaded leader The Family needed in these moments of chaos and mistrust.

Even if he himself was breaking down internally alongside everyone else, hellbent on finding the culprit for your death and punishing them so severely that they’d beg for death. He’d avenge you in anyway he could, even if it meant sending out the bloodhound family on a wild goose chase that only ends in dead ends, he would get you justice no matter how it may come.

His heart had died alongside you that day.

So when a week passes and he finally has you back in his arms, all the while being carful with your wounds as his eyes searched you over in a way you weren’t use to.

‘You’re alive.’ He breathes out in relief as he then begins to laugh and rest his head against yours, breathing you in deeply as he relishes in this long awaited moment. ‘Of course you’re alive.’ He mutters.

‘Sunday,’ you began but Sunday was quite to cut you off.

‘Do you know how I felt thinking you were dead? Driving myself insane to prove that you were still alive anyway I could as not to bear the idea of walking through this life without the one person I love so dearly.’ Sunday takes a brief pauses in his monologue, feeling out of breath after having put everything out into the open before continuing. ‘I thought my heart had stopped beating that day and now I have you bad in my arms.’ Sunday then chuckles darkly as he gripped you tighter. ‘I’ll ensure that I’d never have to revisit that part of my life ever again.’

‘Sunday-‘

‘Shhh.’ Sunday cuts you off once more, pressing a kiss to your forehead as he holds you close to his chest, rubbing your back soothingly. ‘Just know that what I do after this, I do out of my love for you.’ He says against your forehead before pressing another kiss there for good measure.

Jing yuan:

Loss wasn’t new to Jing Yuan.

He has experienced it in multiple forms throughout his life, but that didn’t made the news of your death any less painful for the General.

While his mind might’ve made peace with the fact that you were gone, his heart however did not as he would find himself in the places that you often vacated to in moments of stress, or to just be left alone for a while with your thoughts. So to no longer see you in any of those hidden spots -waiting for him to find you like you usually did- only worsened the grief he felt in his heart as he sat himself down and allowed the memories to pass over him in waves.

You were both so happy together and felt a sense of fulfilment that could only be achieved when you were within the other’s presence; A feeling that was uniquely yours and yours alone that could never be replicated, ever. For no one could ever come close to replacing you, nor the companionship you and he had for each other that many assumed would blossom into something more; Jing Yuan also shared the same sentiments as they did, but just as he built the courage to push that boundary between the two of you, you were taken from him before he could utter a single word.

So when a week passes and Jing Yuan found your battered and beaten form in one of your secret spots, back resting against a tree with your eyes closed.

‘Y/n?’ He called out and your eyes opened upon hearing his voice and looking at him with a weak smile. ‘Hey General, miss me?’ You said as you struggled to get up to your feet, only to stumble forward and into Jing Yuan’s chest as his strong yet gentle hands hold you in place.

‘More than you could ever hope to know.’ Jing yuan said as he focused on how you felt beneath his hands, warm and alive.

‘I’m sorry I kept you waiting.’ You muttered against his chest as his warmth made you realised just how tired you were from everything you’ve experienced this last week alone. ‘I never meant to keep you waiting in fear that you’d forget about me if I don’t stay in your life long enough.’ You admit and Jing Yuan instinctively presses a soft kiss to the top of your head, holding you protectively.

‘I could never forget about you my beloved.’ Jing Yuan reassured you as he looked you deep into your eyes. ‘You’ve managed to carve your place within my heart and soul, so much that there isn’t a day where you aren’t all I think about, regardless of whether or not your by my side or far away.’ He finished by pressing a gentle kiss to the gauze on your cheek, chuckling upon seeing your cute attempts of burrowing your face into his chest.

‘How long have you’ve been waiting to say this.’ You asked, thankful that he was the one to admit his feelings first, as you would’ve had a hard time articulating your words as fluidly as he could.

‘For a very long time.’ Jing Yuan replied with a small smile as he then proceeded to lift you into his arms, cuasing you to squeal in surprise, as he made sure to be carful of your wounds and began walking to the nearest medics to make sure your wounds weren’t going to be trouble later on.

Aventurine:

He didn’t know what to think when you were pronounced dead, all Aventurine could feel in that moment was an overwhelming numbness that encased him entirely.

The only light left in his life had been snuffed out, plummeting him into utter and total darkness he had once been well acquainted with until you came along, giving him a reason to keep looking forward despite everything.

You were no longer here to hold onto his left hand before he could even think of hiding it behind his back out of habit, you were no longer here to be his reason, his comfort, his safe place. You were taken away from him unfairly and once again Aventurine found himself asking the same question he has been asking himself for a long time; why everyone was born into this life just to die.

So when a week passes and Aventurine finds himself sat on a bench somewhere, still not dealing well then than he was the week of your assumed passing, lost in his own thoughts when someone took a seat next to him. Aventurine was just about ready to tell them to go away, when he saw just who was sitting next to him; you.

‘I know, I look like shit but you don’t have to look at me like that.’ You spoke upon feeling his eyes gaze upon the gauze on your cheek, then towards the array of bandages that littered the rest of your body.

‘I thought you died.’ He hissed, emotion was heavy in his voice as his eyes became bleary with unshed tears as he felt his breathing become heavy with the reality that you were alive. He didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t in that moment as his mind raced. And it wasn’t until you reached out to grasp his left hand and intertwine your fingers together, squeezing, did everything finally became clear to him.

‘I thought I was too at one point but there was something that kept me from journeying over to the afterlife.’ You admit, looking over at him and smiling sweetly, wanting nothing then to calm his thoughts and reassure him that this wasn’t a dream.

‘And what was that?’ He laughs humourlessly as he stares back at you, wanting to hear what excuses you could come up with for faking being dead for a week. ‘Willpower? Determination?’

‘You Kakavasha.’ You replied straightforwardly and his breath hitched in his throat. You rarely used his actual name unless it was absolutely serious. ‘You were all I thought about as I pushed through my injuries.’ You told him as you continued. ‘Kakavasha is waiting for me was just about all I could think about for a week straight.’ You finished as though you didn’t just confess that he was your soul motivator in staying alive.

‘Really?’ Aventurine said softly, finding it impossible that he could possibly be your reason for anything. ‘Why?’

‘Yes really.’ You chuckled, pressing a kiss to his cheek as you rested your head against his shoulder. ‘As for why, it’s because I like you more then did let myself admit, but i just wanted you to know incase anything truly bad were to ever happen to me-‘

‘No.’ Aventurine cut you off suddenly, squeezing your hand as though he were afraid. ‘Nothing is going to happen to you, not now. not ever. I just got you back.’ He adds resting his head against your own in a desperate attempt of feeling more of your against him. ‘Just stay with me…please.’ He begs you in a whisper as he nuzzled further into you. ‘and don’t go anywhere I can’t follow. I don’t think I can bear the thought of loosing you again.’

You smiled softly as you just whispered back against the skin of his neck. ‘As long as you don’t go anywhere I can’t follow. I like my crush to be alive and close by even if he can be a pain in my ass sometimes.’

Aventurine chuckles, his heart becoming whole again as he made you cuddle into his side, kissing your head once more as you took this moment to familiarise yourselves with each other. ‘At least I’m a pleasurable pain in the ass.’ He teased and you pinch his side, causing him to flinch, but his smile remained and this time his smile was genuine.

His light has came home.

Ratio:

Fully believed that he’d see you when the mission ended, knowing just how talented and dedicated to the craft you were, and having faith that this would be a measly walk in a park for you.

Only to receive word that you were one of the many who were assumed dead when you weren’t found amongst the living nor the dead.

Veritas tries to remain as levelheaded and logical as possible during this time and continue life as normal. However found himself retracting from everyone else and going none contact, more so specifically with the people you were once associated with, and instead focused heavily on his studies and academics to an unhealthy extent.

A week passes and Veritas feels as though he’s seen a ghost the moment he saw you in his peripheral vision, bandaged and dressed in ripped clothing but still somehow finding it in you to smile.

‘You idiotic Buffon!’ He exclaims as he walks towards you.

‘Well that’s a nice way to greet someone you care about.’ You replied as you readied yourself for a massive rant about how stupid you were and so on, but instead you were held against his chest as he burrows his head into your neck.

‘I thought you died.’ He says in a whisper as he breathed you in. This went against all logic but in that rare moment Veritas didn’t care, you were alive but he still couldn’t let go of the fact that you didn’t tell anyone you were still alive. ‘Why didn’t you tell anyone that you were alive, send a signal, anything.’

You shrugged as you made yourself comfortable in his strong arms. ‘All communications were badly damaged or completely cut off.’ You told him. ‘I was on my own for a long while before finding my way back to you.’

‘Me?’ Veritas asked, pulling away from you. ‘Why not a medial facility for a proper treatment of your wounds? Have you hit your head so hard that common sense had been left on the back burner when making that decision?’

‘I wanted to see you first you dickhead!’ You exclaimed, shutting Veritas up rather quickly with your confession but you didn’t care. ‘is it so wrong of me to let the man I love know that I’m okay? So go ahead and call me an idiot all you like but that won’t change the fact that I felt more fear about not telling you how I truly feel then dying on some stupid mission.’ You finished your rant.

‘You’re insufferable.’ Veritas said after a moment of silence and you couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed at this that you didn’t notice that Veritas has began to close in the distance between the two of you.

You scoffed. ‘Oh sure call me insufferable as if you-‘ Veritas cuts you off by cupping your cheeks and planting a sweet short lived kiss against your lips before pulling away with a smirk.

‘Glad to know that the feelings are reciprocated.’ He says, taking enjoyment of rendering you speechless as he gently guided you to medical, and remaining by your side for the remainder of the day.

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gettinshiggywithit · 2 months

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ok so I saw your post abt wanting to write for pjo but you don't know what and you've only read the books so I figured I'd send a request or sum. now idk if you do headcannons cause I haven't followed you for long, but headcannons abt a relationship with percy? 🍓

🌊Dating Percy Jackson~ (HCs)🌊

Summary: what’s it like dating the son of poseidon and resident blue-enthusiast

Pairing: percy x gn!reader (i think I kept it pretty gender neutral!)

Genre: fluff

T/W: none

A/N: Hi nonny! I hope you like this! Thank you for the request and for getting me out of my writing slump! Pls lmk what you think of it if you feel like it and until next time ciao!

Warning! Not proof read🥹🙏apologies 🥹

I think its a given that percy is the epitome of boyfriend material

I mean the man literally gave up immortality for annabeth!

But this isnt about annabeth,this is about you!

So for the sake of this post let’s assume you both met the same way!

The moment percy saw you he was entranced!

It was a normal day of practice and he was out in the practice pavilion to try his hand at archery(this was when he was still unclaimed)

He was struggling to even hit the target when he turned his head to talk to his instructor from the apollo cabin,only to see you sparring with the camp’s best swordsman,luke castellan!

You were expertly dodging and blocking his advances and while luke seemed to be getting frustrated,you looked smug and excited almost. It was then that perch jackson developed a hugee crush on you

Over the next few days he made attempts to talk to and interact with you,he joined you at the campfire and during these little interactions was when he realised you weren’t just pretty,you had a personality as bright as the sun and your sense of humour was elite!

When he got claimed you helped him accept it and even though you were still unclaimed it really helped him. You listened to him when he needed a friend and helped him see the brighter side of things.

And over time even you seemed to fall for him, i mean what wasnt to love,he was funny,sweet,supportive; everything a girl could ask for!

So when you confessed to him during a sparring session after having just beaten him,he was both confused and overjoyed!

You helped him up and he confessed to feeling the same.and as you both got older,your bond grew stronger.sure there were little hiccups along the way but you always made it work.

Percy noticed everything about you, your little quirks, your little gestures; everything

He was the first to notice when you were feeling even a little bit down and he always had your favorite snacks on hand for when you needed cheering up!

He always took you down to the beach or near the river,exploring both in his little protective bubble was the coolest,most awesome thing you’d ever experienced and even though you felt scared at times,he’d hold you close and not let go until you were on dry land.

Making blue food together in the off season and spending time at his and his mum’s apartment was heavenly,especially your home didn’t exactly feel like a home in the first place.

Sally loved you! She always teased the two of you when you curled up on the couch to watch movies and was just happy her son found someone.

During quests he always had your back but also knew you were perfectly capable on your own,i mean you practically taught him how to sparr yourself!

Through the losses and the gains,the battles and the hardship,you stayed together and helped eachother grow.

You loved him with all your heart and he the same. He was loyal to fault and would never judge or criticize you,if he did it was merely constructive criticism,nothing to belittle you or make you feel insignificant.

He helped you through your moments of insecurity and made you feel whole,like you were worth his love and like you were perfect the way you were.

In conclusion,being in love with percy Jackson means, unlimited support and love and a companion for life🫶

#🎙jaya speaks #📚jaya’s tales #percy jackson x reader #pjo x reader #percy jackson fluff #percy jackson x gn!reader #pjo hcs #pjo fanfic #percy jackson

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xpao-bearx · 2 months

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Alrighty, my fellow Astarion fangbangers!! I've got a 🔥SPAHCY🔥 oneshot idea~

This is an idea that's been a parasite in my teeny brain for a while now and at first, I didn't wanna share it cuz I wanted it to be a surprise for when I actually write and post it. But to those who follow me, y'all know I just LOVE to ramble so I couldn't keep it a secret anymore 😂

And sooo here it is: A smutty oneshot of Spawn Astarion x Fem!Reader x Ascended Astarion!

Now you might be thinking... How the HELLS would a threesome with Spawn Astarion and Ascended Astarion ever work??? O_o

Well, lemme ramble some more! 😆

AHEM

Throughout your adventure, Astarion ascended and made his lover (you, dear reader ❤️) into his dark consort. After saving Baldur's Gate, you go to live with Astarion in his palace and start anew with your life of immortality.

At first, everything was going well. Astarion relished in the power he's craved so much and you stood by his side as his most prized treasure. And yet... There was a suffocating emptiness in your heart.

You were happy. Or...you should be. You were going to spend a wonderful eternity with your lover and you only gave Astarion what he's always wanted...right?

But as time passes, Astarion changes more and more. You still loved him, you will never stop loving him, but you couldn't deny that his dominance and possessive nature over you...unsettled you a bit.

Anyhoe, long story short, while you are just wandering around the palace one night and rethinking all your life choices that led you to this very moment, some ✨️magic✨️ happens and Astarion appeared.

Only...this was Astarion from the past. Before he ascended.

This story is still a work in progress so forgive me that this is all a mess, but basically this other Astarion is spawn Astarion! Spawn Astarion comes from another dimension where he never ascended. In that dimension, Baldur's Gate has also been saved but at the cost of spawn Astarion's lover's life--your life.

Astarion couldn't handle the tragic loss of his one true love so he became obsessed in finding something--anything--to be with you again, even at the cost of his soul. I'm still working out the details, but Astarion ended up finding something which made him transport to where you are now!

You are obviously baffled by spawn Astarion and can't quite believe it, but he's just so fucking happy to see you--to be with you--again. And maybe...just maybe...

You wanted to be with him, too.

But of course... There's ascended Astarion.

Beautiful, foolish treasure... Did you really think you could ever forsake your master?

Expect quiiite a bit of angst with this oneshot but, OF COURSE, some real nasty smut too! 😉 I plan to hopefully write and post this story after I finish the game and have experienced both spawn and ascended routes!

Also, I REALLY hope this doesn't cause any discourse! I, personally, prefer spawn Astarion but I also ADORE ascended Astarion (✨️nothing✨️ will stop me from simping for this vamp dork)! I know everyone has their own thoughts and opinions for both and which one is "better", but for me I just live and let live! Let everyone be happy with their own preferences, please 🥰

And I hope no one steals this idea of mine! Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I haven't seen anyone else have an Astarion fic like this so I would assume I would be the first to have this specific idea. If you were inspired by the premise and wanna write something similar, PLEASE credit me for the inspo but also tell me if you post it cuz I would absolutely read the SHIT out of it!! \(^o^)/ But yeah, just please don't copy the WHOLE thing cuz, like I said, I do plan on eventually writing this fic myself!

And hey, if ya wanna be tagged for when I post this fic, please don't hesitate to tell me! 💕

#Baldur's Gate 3 #BG3 #Baldur's Gate 3 Fanfiction #BG3 Fanfiction #Baldur's Gate 3 Fanfic #BG3 Fanfic #Baldur's Gate 3 Fic #BG3 Fic #Astarion #Astarion x Reader #Reader x Astarion

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amaranth-writing · 2 years

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a.m. - bang christopher chan

a/n: the first 1st person fic i've done in a while! idk, i felt like it, lol.

a/n pt. 2: self-insert?? scandalous. (;

warnings: SMUT! (jk) oral (f!receiving), morning sex, chan and (me) crying, very fast sexual escalation, love confessions, insomnia, vaginal penetration, fingering (f!receiving), praise, unprotected sex (don't do this!!), vaginal creampie, use of "babe/baby/babygirl" and "princess" nicknames, virgin!(me) and virgin!chan (first times), painful loss of virginity, lots of cussing, etc.

3k words. oopsies-

i sighed deeply, glancing at the clock on the bedside table in front of me. 4:56 am, and we had to wake up at 6 to get ready. i raised a hand to my face to rub my sleepless eyes. funny enough, with how tired i was, that i couldn't fall asleep. especially when i was always dozing off during the day. taking another heavy breath, i tried to quietly turn over without moving the blanket much in hopes of not waking chan. "you too?" his gruff australian voice murmured. "oh, you're awake?" i respond. had chan been restless as well? now knowing i wouldn't wake him, i casually readjusted to my other side. "yeah. can't sleep. and i thought you were asleep, so i haven't moved out of this really uncomfortable position for what feels like hours. what time is it?" "four-" i paused to check. "right around five." chan inhaled a full breath that went down to his diaphragm and spun around to face me. though my sight could barely pierce the darkness in the room, the l.e.d. alarm clock gave off just enough dim light to tell that we locked eyes. he smiled at me softly. "i wish i would've known you were up." he reached forward and gripped my torso, pulling me into his embrace. he smelled like musky vanilla and the best men's body wash you could find at the dollar store. he placed his head on mine, humming against my scalp. "that's better." "yeah, it is," i mumbled back, my head against the nape of his neck. i felt him get goosebumps from the tickle of my breath on his skin.

i felt myself relax for the first time since i woke up the morning before. chan's warmth surrounding me under the sheets was all i needed to begin really drifting off to sleep, and it seemed like holding me helped him too. a few minutes passed like this, calm and quiet.

"you still awake?" he asked me. i thought i had answered, but apparently not. i could hear his emotions clogging the words from escaping his lips as he said it, but he whispered an unmistakable, crackly "i love you" under his breath into my hair and squeezed me tightly.

my eyes fluttered open, batting against his chest as i felt his heart speed up. mine did the same. he said it first! god, i had wanted to say it for months now, since our first date, but i was waiting for him to be ready to make sure i didn't say it too early. i raised my head from its position on his chest to look him in the eye, although he couldn't remain eye contact as his cheeks flushed. his eyes were glossed over, his bottom lip quivered and his chin scrunched. he was trying not to cry.

i reached both hands up to cup his face, directing his face to mine. i felt my own eyes clouding over as i pressed our weak lips together. i felt one of his tears on my cheek. as i pulled back enough to see his eyes again, i mumbled back an "i love you too, channie."

a single sob racked his body, his face scrunching as he sucked in a swallow of air. "i've never loved someone this much. it scares me sometimes- " he breathed, shakily and hesitant. "how i feel around you. it's different from- " another sob forced him to pause- "it's different from anything i've... experienced, before, the way you make me feel. i can't- i can't ever lose you."

we both pursed our lips at the same time, a silent cry leaving my chest as i chuckled. "the feeling's mutual."

chan's eyes sparkled at me in the darkness, and he firmly placed a kiss on my lips. because of the level of emotion i was experiencing, i barely noticed when his tongue slipped into my mouth. we kissed passionately like that for a while, but soon, chan's cautious actions became more sure. he sat up, taking me with him, and pulled me into his lap to straddle him. i leaned down to kiss him, but he stopped me, tugging on my hair to expose my neck, where he began placing kisses.

his fingers tapped against my waist underneath the shirt of his that i was wearing, teasingly slipping below the hem of my shorts. his eyes were still a bit puffy from his crying, but i could still see them darken with desire as he began sucking on my collarbone. he took his time leaving hickeys and a few bite marks, slowly sliding my shorts to the base of my hips. without warning, chan took me by my hips and flipped us over so he was on top, pinning me to the bed. his head hung low as he scooted down, and as i noticed the first orange rays of sun peak through the gaps in the curtains, i suddenly became extremely aware of the wetness between my legs.

the same wetness he was mere inches from now. he lifted up my shirt, pulled it off of my head, and kissed along my abdomen, trailing down my outer thigh. he breathed against the skin on my inner thigh, creeping closer to where i wanted him and causing a dull ache- almost a tingle- to explode from my heat.

how did this escalate so quickly? neither of us had any idea, but before i knew it, my shorts and panties were somewhere across the room in a pile with our shirts and my bra as well. he placed a kiss on the hood of my cunt, glancing up at me for confirmation to make sure what he was doing was okay. he figured it was once i mouthed a breathy "please."

chan had stated months earlier that he was completely inexperienced sexually, but as his tongue licked up my slit, i really doubted whether he was telling the truth or not. his middle finger slid into my entrance as his lips latched to me, sucking gently while his tongue rolled over my clit in back-and-forth motions. his eyes were closed, and he groaned against me, sending vibrations up my spine and coaxing a moan out of my own mouth. his eyes shot open and his lips lifted into a smirk, beginning to pump his middle finger in and out of me.

a string of moans tumbled from my mouth. i had never felt this kind of pleasure before. even when i fingered myself thinking of chan, it was never this good. my hands gripped the sheets, but they weren't very helpful in trying to not buck my hips up. instead, they wandered to chan's hair, which i found to be a much more stimulating handle. his soft, fluffy curls intertwined perfectly with my fingers.

without warning, chan put a second finger into me. i gasped, an erotic sound following, and he looked up at me through his eyelashes. he lifted his mouth for a moment. "you like that, baby?" i kept tugging at his orange locks, desperate to keep going. chan chuckled a bit and attached his lips once more, adding more pressure than before and speeding up with his fingers, even curling them upwards.

i felt a knot in my stomach. a double knot, if you will. my thighs squeezed chan's head, and he had to pause for a moment to push my legs down before continuing. i felt my orgasm coming right before it hit: wave after wave of intense ecstasy throughout my body. i convulsed, legs shaking and pussy throbbing around chan's fingers. the kind of shit you can't fake.

god, chan's face when he saw me like that- i can't even describe the amount of pride he must have felt, seeing me being such a mess under him. he licked his lips as he pulled away, but he rubbed figure eights around my clit to help me ride out my high. his fingers stayed inside of me.

"god, princess," the nickname shot a warm tingle to my recovering heat. "you taste so good. and you look so pretty squirming under me like this." i bit my bottom lip, furrowing my brows. he started moving his fingers again, putting in a third finger. i felt mild pain as his digits stretched me out (nothing i couldn't handle). he got a little rougher with it, butterflies spawning in my stomach, and he leaned down to kiss me. i could taste myself on my tongue, and although my slick didn't taste bad, i wondered how he could like it so much. he kissed my chin. "so fucking pretty," he repeated against my jaw.

i peeked at the clock. 5:17 am. a fourth finger focused my attention back at my boyfriend, who was now planting his wet lips across my chest. he nibbled at my nipples, watching my tits bounce back to my structure in the way they naturally laid.

i whined when his fingers left my body, but was reimbursed as i witnessed him suck all of his fingers dry of my fluids. chan got up spontaneously, reaching for a tissue from the bedside table.

"what are you doing?" i asked, confused.

"gotta clean you up."

"...are we done already?"

his expression changed, a sly smile crossing his face. "did you have something else in mind?"

"well, n-no..." i stammered, trying to hide my now-red cheeks.

"it's okay, babe, use your words. what do you want?" he cooed, straddling me. it was hard to concentrate on anything with his clearly erect dick taunting me through his joggers. not to mention he was shirtless, and i was still naked. i had just come all over his mouth, hand, and the sheets.

god, this was awkward. but i responded anyway, even though i couldn't look him in the eye as i said it. "i want you... um..."

"hmm? speak up, baby."

"i-inside of me..." i spluttered. "iwantyouinsideofme."

chan's eyes gleamed. without saying another word, he untied the string holding his pants up, and pulled them down in one fell swoop, allowing his dick to spring up against his stomach. holy shit. it was a lot bigger than i thought.

a man as sweet as him had been walking around with a girthy cock like this? he'd been keeping all of this to himself?

in awe, my eyes went wide. he kicked his pants across the room somewhere and looked down at me. i reached out for it, feeling the precum leaking from his tip with my pointed finger. the single, small contact made him twitch. as i grabbed the base, his breath hitched, and his eyes flew shut. his lips parted slightly when i stroked him up and down a few times. when i sped up, however, he stopped me.

"another night, babygirl. right now i just wanna be as close to you as possible, okay?"

although i was disappointed, we were on the same page. chan moved so i was in front of him and used his slightly calloused hands to spread my legs, giving him full access to my eager cunt. he held his cock and guided it against my folds, coating himself with my slick. when he went to push himself into me, the head of his penis slipped right out of place. he chuckled shallowly, his chest rising and falling in tension. the second try, though, he inserted himself into me.

"fuck," he groaned, nose scrunching and brows knitting together. he was clearly experiencing a rush of pleasure.

me, on the other hand, well... i was tearing up. sure, there was a hint of pleasure coming along, but i mainly felt intense pressure and like i was about to burst at the seams. and not in a good way. it was like chan was ripping me open. i had to push my hands against his chest, crying out in pain. chan immediately noticed and pulled out, which seemed to hurt worse.

"baby, we don't have to- "

"no," i cut him off. "put it back in." so he did, cautiously this time. he didn't let himself enjoy it, though, since he was too focused on making sure i was okay. he kissed my tears away as they fell, and he gave me my time to get used to him. he massaged my breasts in an attempt to bring me some sort of positive reinforcement. after a while, it didn't hurt as much. "okay, you can start moving."

"baby, i'm only like halfway in," he said, giggling a bit.

i lifted my head to see if he was telling the truth. he was. "shit, seriously? curse you and your big dick, chris."

he just laughed, but he got serious again when he pushed himself in all the way. i felt his tip just manage to press perfectly against my cervix, his hips flush against the back of my thighs. sure, it hurt, it hurt a lot, but it was starting to feel really good. i moved my hips to encourage his movement. he pulled out just far enough to not separate our bodies, then pushed all the way back in. out, then in. out, then in again. back out and in.

"god, i might blow already," chan groaned, showcasing the amount of pleasure he was feeling in his face and in his movement as he sped up. he reached a consistent pace, a soft, wet noise emitting from our crotches whenever they hit against each other.

this noise quickly escalated to a full-on slap. both of us grunted every time he was fully inside of me, and our chests heaved. there was a certain glisten all over his body from sweat, the warm, dull sunlight giving a perfect golden hue over his cream-colored skin. it was mesmerizing to watch.

"oh, fuck! chan!" i called out, hands reaching behind his back. my fingernails scraped down his back, and he hissed from the sting. when he readjusted the placement of his hands and his hips, the new angle hit a spongy spot that felt particularly good. "oh, shit- right there, channie- "

chan allowed himself to moan into my ear, biting my lobe before sucking purple bruises into my neck. he was fucking me so well. chan moved a bit so he could support himself with just one arm- he made sure he was still hitting the spot i liked- and used the pad of his thumb to give me additional clitoral stimulation, rubbing in circular motions around my bundle of nerves.

"fuck!" i screeched, feeling all of him at once. i could swear i was making his back bleed at this point. he placed our foreheads together, using his pointer and middle fingers instead of his thumb, and we shared our air, breaths mingling in the air.

god, i was close. really close. and he could tell.

"is my princess gonna cum?" when i nodded vigorously, he kept going. "cum for me, baby. cream on my cock."

with a long moan, i came, and my walls clenched around him. chan kept thrusting, though, and i suffered from a bit of overstimulation because of it, but he had to come too.

"i love you," he confessed. "i love you, i love you, i love you." he kept repeating it like a chant. his hand came off of my clit, and both of his hands held mine. our fingers went between each other's, and they fit like the final pieces of a puzzle.

"i love you, chris," i said back, barely holding on for him. hell, i was starting to feel another orgasm sneaking up on me, which would come if he didn't finish soon.

"oh, god- " he grunted, the movement of his hips becoming uneven. "can i- "

"yes! please, chan, fill me up."

"ah, fuck... as you wish."

and he came inside of me. i felt his hot white seed shoot into me, satisfying me in a way i'd never been before. we both took a moment to breathe and hold each other, cherishing the intimacy of the event.

"that was really, really nice."

chan looked at the clock, and so did i. 5:31 am.

when chan pulled out, he didn't pause to admire his cum seeping out of my pussy. instead, he pushed my legs together on one side, then picked me up by my hips and put me on my hands and knees. before i could even inquire about what he was doing, i felt him push into me again.

"we still have just about 30 minutes, princess." he began thrusting with much more rough, sheer force than before. "30 minutes i don't intend to waste."

my eyes rolled back into my head. chan gripped my love handles, using them for stability and extra friction. those slaps from earlier were dwarfed by the sounds happening now, and he bent down to place and gentle kiss on my shoulder blade. "hold on for a while longer, baby, there's a lot more a want to do to you."

6:25 am, the fifth time chan had to snooze our alarm. he was too busy railing the shit out of me to really care that we had to get ready.

6:37 am, when he finally decided he had his fill, but i decided i wanted one more round.

6:54 am, sixty-six minutes before the rest of the members arrived to pick us up, and when we both agreed we needed to take a break from the absolutely feral sex to get ready.

6:58 am, when we made the horrible choice to shower together, and went another two rounds.

7:37 am, when we actually tried to get ready.

8:01 am, the boys were running a bit late and we were ready, so we made out and almost had sex again if it weren't for jisung bursting into our home and interrupting us.

8:05 am, when we finally left, and the boys were wondering why we were being so much more touchy than usual.

9:12 am, when we stopped at a gas station and had a quickie in the surprisingly clean bathroom.

9:20 am, when the members teased us because it was obvious that we had sex in the bathroom.

#bang chan #christopher #ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FERAL #fanfiction #stray kids #skz #smut #bang chan smut #stray kids smut #skz smut #BANG CHRISTOPHER CHAN THIS IS WHAT YOU DO TO ME. 4 AM BRAINROT.#channie #christopher bang #stray kids chan #stray kids bang chan #skz chan #amaranth-writing

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lazyyogi · 10 months

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Ben, I need spiritual help, and I’m not sure where to find it. If you could provide any wisdom on the most difficult of my spiritual issues, it would mean the world to me. I’ll try to be brief.

I have abandonment issues, most acutely around intimate relationship or deep friendship. This does not root back to my very stable and supported childhood, I don’t believe, but rather to spiritual abandonment I experienced. By this I mean, I discovered Spirit in an enormous amount of power 11 years ago this time. I was not really looking for it at the time but you could say almost overnight I entered a romantic union with God and the cosmos. This lasted for a couple months and then began to fade. A couple months after that it was gone completely, and depression beyond what I had ever felt entered my world. Think of it like, the sweetest lover you’ve ever loved lives with you, and one day you come home and she’s not there, and the house is empty and cold instead. I became suicidal. Eventually I recovered but this fear of abandonment, essentially abandonment from God lives on in me. It arises sometimes from small things. It arises with a monstrous panic and pain when someone I have a spiritual connection to rejects me or puts distance between us. Thank you for listening, I’ll leave it atthat.forfriendlovffor for you, friend 🙏

Hello, my existential accomplice.

If there were one question I could ask you right now, it would be this: What is your practice?

The sacred occurrence you have described from 11 years ago was an opening or awakening of sorts. Some call it stream-entry. It is the spiritual shift that marks the point of no return. There is no going back after having tasted the light of the divine. I have written about stream-entry here. After stream-entry, the terminology and teachings of the spiritual path are no longer the realm of poetry or philosophy but rather immediate experience.

For it to have happened spontaneously for you suggests that you have practiced in a past life, or many past lives. But if you have no understanding of what happened, why it happened, and how to move forward, then it can be a world-shaking traumatic experience.

The origins of the Indian greeting "namaste" has been suggested to mean "the light in me recognizes the light in you." The undivided, non-separate essence of awareness shines in and as all living phenomena. It may be that in the soul connections you feel with other beings, you experience a reflection of your original divine revelation. And you have the same fear of that loss.

Consider two metaphors.

A beautiful dualistic example is that of the sun when it is obscured by clouds. Even on a stormy day, the sun is still shining brightly. Even after you experienced the dissipation of your awakening-experience's bliss, God the Divine has not moved anywhere. Please understand that this is a fact and not simply a platitude. It is a teaching.

A non-dualistic example is that true enlightenment is like the sun discovering there is no such thing as night or day.

In the dualistic metaphor, it is all about the changeless and omnipresent nature of the divine regardless of your position relative to it. In the non-dualistic metaphor, it is the revelation that you are That (the divine as symbolized by the sun). It is a felt reality that is more real than the vicissitudes of day or night.

So from where I am standing, you had an apparent stream-entry 11 years ago but you haven't found the practical path forward since then. And the trauma of the "I found it--I lost it" experience now continues to cycle through you.

This brings us back to my first question: What is your practice? Because the only way out of this mess is through it. Just as it is for us all. I personally recommend meditation as a reliable method, but there are many vehicles.

"We're all just walking each other home." ~ Ram Dass

If you would like to message me privately to discuss this further, I'd be happy to delve into it with you.

Much love.

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heliosoll · 10 months

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HELP ever since i started meditating and actively trying to wake up in the void i had experienced little “glitches” in reality. they are nothing major or anything but it makes me feel weird. for example i got a notification for a text from my sister but when i clicked on it and went to the chat the text weren’t there?!? it was a different text but still from my sister. and i know for a fact that she didn’t delete the text cuz if she did it would write “this message has been deleted” or sum bcuz it was on whatsapp. or i checked my period tracker app but when i checked it again on the same day it said something different?!?! these happened today. ik it’s not major or anything but it makes me feel like i’m going crazy; bc i KNOW i saw those it wasn’t my imagination or anything but on the other hand i fear that they were hallucinations and i’m just going crazy. WHAT SHOULD I DO

If you're really worried then you should absolutely see a medical or psychiatric professional! I'm not there with you and I can't see what you're going through so I cannot in good conscience tell you to just not worry. If you are genuinely concerned about your mental health, then you should take every measure available to you to get checked out. I'm not trying to scare you, but there are things out there that can cause things like hallucinations or glitches in reality (like carbon monoxide poisoning). I know it's scary to think about, but the earlier you get help, the better your present and future will be.

That being said "little glitches" in reality are actually fairly normal when people start to consciously manifest or shift. Not everyone experiences them but some people do! They're basically what you're experiencing; you know for a fact that something happened but later on it's like it never did. This can be really jarring, for obvious reasons, but if it's just glitches due to manifesting/shifting, then it's nothing to worry about. (You can always manifest them away!) These glitches aren't harmful, just small changes in perceived reality due to someone actively trying to change their reality.

You haven't mentioned manifesting or shifting but considering you sent this to me and you're trying to get into the void, I'd figure I should mention it. Again, if these glitches are because of manifesting or shifting, it's happening because you're actively doing things to change your reality (or your 3D). This can manifest in small ways like the text being different or your app saying something else. I also went through this when I first started shifting as do many other people! For example, I followed people on sns whom I know I had never followed, a show I like had four seasons instead of three (it wasn't new), and a song I liked was never released, among other small things.

Again, if you're worried that it's serious and not related to manifesting/shifting, then I'd recommend looking for other potential symptoms like changes in personality, temperament, memory loss problems, decline in health, sudden sleep problems, etc. I don't recommend diagnosing yourself, you should go to a professional, but you should pay attention to other areas of your life in case it is a health or mental issue. A professional will ask questions about changes in those kinds of things, so be prepared. Trust me, I know it's uncomfortable and scary, but there are steps you can take to help yourself. If you genuinely think it has nothing to do with manifesting/shifting, then you should bring this up with someone as soon as possible. If you genuinely think it's because of manifesting/shifting, then just keep watching to be careful and manifest that you don't continue to experience them.

#letters 🎀

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toasterthievery · 4 months

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I READ MERE APPENDIX AND I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT

The real gravity of Professor Honeycutt's situation doesn't get explored too often since everyone has bigger things to worry about when they're bring chased by Triceratons, and the identity crisis that goes down in this issue is just heartbreaking and really a sight to behold since he tends to get so little focus. It says a lot about him as a character in the best way possible.

Something that I really like is that time has passed since the accident that cost him his humanity in the first place, but that it's something that still affects him deeply. It's something he's come to terms with on a surface level so that he can continue to function day to day, but it weighs on him heavily.

You can feel his horror the moment when he realizes he never installed the component that would allow for a real transfer. He states later in this issue that he's been asking himself for years whether he's really Honeycutt or not, but speculation and evidence are two different things and his worst fear looks to be coming true.

And the idea that Fugitoid does not equal Honeycutt is pervasive. It comes up again and again, making it impossible for him to ignore. Even small things, like his voice recognition software not recognizing him, keeps him at arm's length from the "real" Professor Honeycutt. It's so uncomfortable, like a constant ache, to not be recognizable as the person you are in any capacity.

To wonder if your existence is even a scientific possibility.

And I know he's dealing with the damage he sustained at the beginning of the issue, but it obviously goes deeper than that and everything is being exacerbated by it since he's been experiencing hallucinations and memory loss. It makes it kind of all come at him at once in a way that's impossible to deal with and brings all that pain fresh into his mind.

It makes him feel less human than ever, which is a hard pill to swallow. This side by side panel (that hurts me immensely) is just a great illustration of the identity problems that he's dealing with.

He's reaching his limit and there's nothing that can really be done to fix his situation. It's a really cool thing to see Honeycutt's thoughts and feelings that haven't been filtered through the viewpoint of the turtles, and to see how acutely he feels the shockwave of everything that's happened to him. Where does the line lie between man and machine? How can he say with certainty that he's a real person when he's so familiar with the technology that caused the accident?

The part right after this has my FAVORITE set of panels in this entire thing.

It's very ironic that in having this crisis, he's proving he's more than just an unthinking object, but that's hard to see when everything is coming crashing down. I genuinely can't express enough how much I love that that he's reached this low where he can't think of himself as real, and because of that, it's fine if he simply takes himself apart until it's not a problem anymore. And in a way, it's easier for him to see himself that way because machines can be fixed; they don't deal with the messy, nonlinear recovery that real people have to face.

THIS IS BRILLIANT and I'm in love with the ship of Theseus dilemma that's at play here.

Even though Honeycutt comes out of it all right...there is still no easy solution for him, and the rock and hard place he finds himself wedged between won't give so easily. His struggles are fascinating and compelling, and getting to see them so up close and personal was a serious treat. Actually one of my favorite comics I've ever read. I'm never going to be normal again.

#GO READ MERE APPENDIX #Tales of the TMNT issue 54 #I'm still reeling this issue is AMAZINGGGGG #it shall live forevermore in my heart and soul #thanks unscapedgoat for pointing me to this comic #not me rambling on about this thing but AHHHHHHHHHH #tmnt mirage #fugitoid #tmnt #zayton honeycutt

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helvonasche · 2 months

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book update 03.03.24

I'm not done.

Barely started the writing actually.

Been doing research so that my story has more meat and weight to it instead of just making shit up like I did for fics.

And for anyone reading this that also wants to switch to "real writing" or just try writing a book.. setbacks happen. Life happens. And life is fucking me raw, no lube, as per usual.

Not giving up, but. I'm not okay and can't write how I used to right now, and that's okay.

Venting/Explanation/Secrets below the cut.

tl;dr? Still writing, just stressed.

And posting about the stress because I don't think I've ever tried to be perfect, but I really wanna grind this into the dirt. I'm human and horribly flawed and traumatized, just like everyone else, but I'm having fun and that's what's important. enjoy the.. show? ew. why am I like this.

You know the list of most stressful things? The shit that derails life and mental wellbeing? Here's a brief overview of the common shit:

Divorce/Separation/Relationships in general

Moving

New job/Job Loss

Illness/Hospitalization

Death

Pregnancy

Selling/Buying a House

While I prefer to not disclose any of my personal shit online because there are cunts in my real life that creep on here to see what I'm really doing. I've gone no/little contact with many people, and some of them know about my blog or other stuff online..

If you stalk someone who has chosen that not having you in their life hurts less than having you in their life.. get fucking help and leave them alone.

Anyway... I've experienced all of the things from the list above throughout my life, like a lot of us have. The older you get, the more shit happens. All but one of these I've dealt with in the last year. It's why I've been... changing and trying to work on myself so that I don't turn into a fucking psychopath or permanently disabled by my mental illness.

In therapy and all that, but after so much bullshit and pure stupidity that I have spent the majority of my life surrounded by has me questioning a lot of what I do and why I do it.

Spoiler: I don't have answers.

Moving on from the dramatic stuff.. to explain why no book and what I have been doing.

I put a lot of effort into my fics, but never maximum effort. It's fanfic, no one needs it to be perfectly written smut.

I'm balls deep in research for books (it's still very much plural). Annotating, notes, documentaries, articles, too much internet "research" and so many books, all of which is about evil, gnarly shit.

I want to make one thing abundantly clear: I'm having a blast and filling my head with esoteric nonsense. This is the closest I have ever been to feeling like Myself™ and I'm not mad or upset that I haven't been able to just "nut out a book".

I'm not going to apologize for not having a completed manuscript and a cute post about alpha reading. My end goal has not changed, but the plans on how to get there are changing and will continue to change as long as life keeps up it's current level of fuckery.

That's it. I mean, in a few months my life is going to be very different (iykyk), but for now.. I'm quite literally just trying to survive and I know I'm not the only one.

<3 hel.

#book update 03.03.24

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bittermause · 4 months

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End of Year Review 2023

It is currently Christmas Eve-Eve at the time of this writing, which can mean only one thing; The End of Year Review for 2023. These past three years held a lot of significant changes and growth for me, most of which I likely wouldn't have experienced had I remained in that horrible part of the mid-west. Despite the mass 'rona pandemic and the constant mental health battles/challenges, 2020-2022 were very good to me and I consider them the best years of my life.

2023 is a welcoming addition to that train.

The first major reason were the goals I set at the end of 2022, all of which were achieved without fail (to a point);

I continued making animated shorts, but only produced 2. However, this was a good glow up year for The Boris Blobinski Show! I got to manage a smaller production team, consisting of my talented friends, and together we banged out a beautifully animated episode!

I got my contact lenses! However I haven't really worn them since I left the optometrist's office. I still intend on using these for when I go swimming or to the spa, but I can see why some people aren't crazy about this option.

I finally got my hair dyed, and it wound up being a vibrant cherry red. Had it done back in March, and most of my hair is still pretty red despite the roots coming in.

Been losing a small chunk of weight still, which means I was able to convert to smaller shirt and pants sizes.

I did a lot more exploring this year! I finally secured my Californian rite of passage by visiting In-N-Out burger, discovered a couple awesome local bakeries, and went to the movies for the first time in years. First major achievement was going to Universal for the first time ever and visiting Nintendo Land! The second biggest crowning achievement was the daytrip to The Ventura Harbor in April, where I got to board a small wildlife sea cruise and witness dolphins, whales, sea lions and seals.

I got back to working on comics again, and produced two short stories for a larger collective that is still in production. Second major reason were the events that weren't planned out of the gate, but were absolutely welcomed;

I saved enough money to get a new desktop PC built. My friend from Colorado flew down and spent the week with me, partially to help get the PC built to proper standards and to also spend some quality time together in person.

I started freeway driving practice mid-year; taking smaller steps to feel more comfortable driving in the faster/wider lanes without having my PTSD invoked. I have a long way to go, but even driving within a 5 mile radius is still worth celebrating, especially since I've actively avoided freeway driving for most of my life.

My best friend is finally coming to visit me at the end of December! I have not seen them in person since 2016, and it will be their first time visiting my apartment space as well.

As far as plans for 2024 go, here's what I have on the docket;

I will be going to an actual jury duty selection at the end of January for the first time. (Exciting, I know!) I'm curious to see what the process is like, but I hope I can dismiss myself from the proceedings. (Respectfully, of course.)

I plan on hosting another friend visit me around the Spring/Summer.

I will be working on a very ambitious episode of The Boris Blobinski show that will take up most of the first quarter of my year.

I will continue my weight loss regimen as I have started back in 2021. As of this writing I am now down to 186 lbs. This is actually pretty close to my first goal, but I want to continue this trend until I hit between 135-140.

I still want to do more local travel and discover new venues. I'm eyeballing Downtown Ventura and will likely add a few more intended places to my list.

Attend activity based events like Life Drawing and other art related functions. As an artist, it's important I find different means to shake the rust off of my skills, and as a human I need to start making efforts in social connections again.

Continue freeway driving practice to the point where I can actually go beyond 5 miles comfortably.

Continue working on my one shot comics, see if I can at least produce two more stories before building a website/platform to host them all.

Outside of Boris Blobinski, I want to be more active in the animation space again and make a few more originals outside of that project.

Lastly, I want to look into Toon Boom Harmony official Certification. I've worked with the program for over 10 years, both for traditional hand-drawn animation and character rigging, and I would love to have that piece of recognition. Hell, I am not against the idea of applying as an instructor if I can get that far!

Of course I don't think I'll be able to jump into everything as intended. I know 2024 will also be met with some unexpected surprises, but I'll gladly welcome them all the same. And lastly, before we pull the plug on this, I want to thank everyone involved in my life that has made 2023 a fantastic experience. You know who you are.

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eemamminy-art · 1 year

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🔥 endwalker?

Ha I don't want to get too negative here but I didn't like it. For many reasons, and even upon playing it a second time my feelings haven't changed. The pacing really bugged me though I know that was due to the expansion being two expansions compressed into one, which I can't fault it for since I know that was outside the devs hands.

I guess mainly it's the message of the story for me. All the emotional stuff felt kind of like, a bit condescending and rather cheap when you consider no named characters were ever in any danger, like I felt 0 stakes the entire time despite supposedly being at the end of the world. It doesn't help that every sad traumatic death was with someone we never knew or knew for all of 5 minutes. As someone who has been forever shaped by loss and death and depression it also kind of sucked for the whole, if you're sucked into despair you just kind of snap out of existence thing. Comes across as like a bootstraps kind of message to me personally, like just stop being depressed 4head 🤪 if you're "weak" due to the strain of life on you, you just cease to exist!! Some people have found all of that stuff in its message to be relatable to their mental health struggles and losses but I just found it rather insulting and it filled me with dread.

I'm happy for people who did find some catharsis from endwalker though! It just really didn't do much for me. There are some scenes here and there that I really really loved, but for the most part I didn't like it. I hesitate to talk about it since I experienced quite a bit of backlash for being critical about shadowbringers when I first played that (though I did like it upon subsequent replays) and the few times I've mentioned not liking endwalker I've been either told to shut up or that I just "don't get it" 🤷 I think it's worth talking about why a fanbase that is so quick to talk about being mindful and critical of media we consume is also quick to squash any criticism of the game's writing as a whole. I do still love the game to this day and will continue to play it, I've just kind of curbed my expectations in regards to msq going forward so I don't continue to feel as bad with every new patch as endwalker made me feel.

#text #replies #endwalker critical #endwalker spoilers

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uncle-fruity · 2 years

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[Image description: a sceenshot of user @fen-thenobling replying to a different post. The comment reads:

Hi, sorry, I know this is probably annoying but, I really want to go on T to deepen my voice, but I'm really scared of losing my hair.. I can't find any good direct sources from trans people, just vague medical papers. My hair is really important to me, it's something that I take pride in and that people talk about and compliment a lot and I play with it and I really don't want to lose it. Could you, if you have the ability to, maybe talk about your hair?

END Image Description]

So fen-thenobling asked this in the replies of that positivity post about T & singing. I hope you're okay with me answering this question this way. Also, not annoying at all that you asked -- I welcome talking about this stuff, and my ask box is always open if you ever wanna talk more. Anyway, I have a lot to say about this, so I wanted to give it its own post!

So, I haven't noticed a significant thinning in my hair so far. I'm officially one year on T, and I'm 30-years-old, as a point of reference. My hairline has changed a bit, but nothing dramatic, mostly just squared out a bit. I'm pretty sure my mom's side men have some balding patterns, so that's probably going to be my fate down the road. Then again, my dad has pretty thick hair still, so maybe I'll take after him. Hard to say, though I tend to resemble my mom's side in general, so 🤷 I also shaved my head a few years back, and that really helped me process some feelings about my hair before I ever started T.

That said. You know, taking T comes with a lot of changes, and you have to be prepared for the possibility of any or all of them. Personally, my logical/self-comforting thought process is that no one gets to choose everything about the body they have. I've known cis women who have extremely thin hair/are balding. I've known cis guys who kept their thick hair until they died of old age. I have a friend whose brothers all had white hair before they were in their mid-30s. I've known people who have lost their hair due to cancer treatments or other medical situations.

I know that's not necessarily a comfort to someone who is afraid to lose their hair, but this is my point: bodies are so varied and unique that it's hard to say what will and won't happen to your hair on T without my having a better understanding of biology and your particular genes (which probably isn't going to happen). However, it is my opinion that no matter what direction your body grows and changes, it will be a beautiful act of creation and existence. I often feel alone in these sentiments, but I think all bodies are important and beautiful in their own ways. I do a lot of work to really internalize that viewpoint, because I think it's important to recognize how dang incredible and unique existence is. Besides, I know from experience that all types of people are attracted to people for things that are not even close to mainstream beauty standards.

So, I guess all that to say... T is a big decision to make. I won't sugarcoat it. If you have a lot of balding folks in your family, then you may share the same pattern of hair loss, and that will be something I suggest you come to terms with before you start T. If that ends up being a deal breaker, that's extremely valid. Only you get to decide how to prioritize your transition goals, and it's important that you weigh the pros and cons for yourself.

Personally, I don't think it's such a tragedy to go bald. It wasn’t even a concern of mine when I decided to start T, despite having a pretty nice head of hair myself that I have a lot of positive feelings about. Certainly, it feels good to have a nice head of hair/hairstyle that's important to your own self image, and I would never mock anyone for being disappointed in losing a part of their appearance that they really felt good about or admired for. But I guess I just want to say that if you do end up experiencing that: you are more than your hair, your self worth isn't solely based on your hair, and there will always be something about you that people will want to compliment and gush about. You will always have traits that make you shine.

I think the idea of knowingly making permanent changes to your body can feel really scary. I think there's a feeling in some transmascs that if their transition doesn't perfectly match their vision, if they don't turn out to be their version of Hot, then they'll be the ones who are to "blame" for losing the nice things they liked about their old bodies. That can feel like a difficult burden to shoulder. I think that stems from the fearmongering/coercive detransition tactics we face as well as how often so many of our bodies have been objectified by society, how many of us have internalized that we have to be attractive to be worthy. But the truth is that no one has full control over the future of their bodies, and it's important to know that everyone's bodies will change with time in so many different ways. What's important is that you learn how to adapt to that change as it comes. What's important is that you enjoy the ongoing creation of yourself.

But, you know, for some actual comfort, T doesn't rapid-fire make your hair fall out when you start to take it, and especially if you're young, you probably don't have to worry about balding until at least your mid-to-late 30s -- but I'm pretty sure the average age for balding is older than that even. If you can ask about the hair patterns of cis men in your family & get a timeline of when they started to lose hair, you'll have a better idea of what to expect for yourself. I would also suggest you really explore your fear surrounding hair loss. What qualities do you think you would lack if you don't have your hair? Are there other qualities that can take that place? Are you afraid of letting yourself or other people down? Are you afraid of regret? What is the worst case scenario if you lost your hair? What's the best case scenario if you go on T? Can you find comfort if you end up compromising one thing for another? I think exploring those root emotions will help you process the subject and help you decide how to move forward.

Anyway, I'm rambling at this point. I really think you will make the decision that feels right for you, but I hope you don't fear your future self whichever path you choose. You don't owe anyone your hair, nor do you owe anyone to rush your decision about hormones. People who love and respect you will support you and trust you to make decisions for yourself. And I'll be rooting for you to find the direction that makes you happiest.

Hopefully that helps! Please lmk if you have any thoughts or feelings about this! Mine is only one perspective, and you've asked a guy who is extremely comfortable with & honestly revels in the idea of having an "imperfect" body. I can sometimes be annoyingly optimistic/passionate about this stuff, so please forgive me. I just really love transitioning & becoming a new version of myself & everything that comes with it.

#hrt #transmasc #trans man #testosterone #balding #transgender #gender #queer #fen-thenobling #transmasc positivity

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houseplantonthedesk · 8 months

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17th September, 2023 - Sunday [11:48 AM]

It baffles me how we live so many lives in our single mortal existence here. And how we all are experiencing, whatever age we are at, for the first and the last time ever. And how at quarter life, you have lived this long for the first time in your life and it's surreal, and there's almost a new sense of self and becoming, but also a sense of loss. It's only getting longer from here, but also shorter because where did time go, you think. I was 18 only a while ago. The memories feel like ages ago, but the experience feels like yesterday. And so you realize, this is the youngest you will ever be again. There's so much that has happened to you, and there's so much you want to do. And be. And become.

You have seen just enough life to know what should perhaps be done and that you can't be the same kind of stupid (or do you?), but also you have never stepped out enough as an adult, and this is all still so new for you so you don't know.

You look at your younger brother, 19, freshman and an undergrad now. You find out he's also had his very first heartbreak. And you feel old, because a second ago that was the life you knew around you. Pimpled foreheads, catching the morning bus, getting to class, new people, assignments, college, coming home in late afternoons, a new found life with a structure freer than that in school but more demanding and a lot more diverse. Newer ambitions, epiphanies about your past and future. A coming of age. Shedding a past self, discovering a newer one. The pseudo-adulthood

You read about one of your seniors from medical school starting her residency, talking about independence, womanhood, owning a house, a life, a livelihood, having an agency, adulthood. And you realize you haven't even started. And the delays are just unexpected and so out of control. And you just really want to do all that great stuff, too. [Hopefully one day, God willing.]

Being 25 is insanely weird. It's like standing at a welded intersection between the life you have lived and known all your life, and the life you're going to live; a confluence between your past and the future. Here the space time continuum distorts, and the gravitational force is all whirly, almost causing your head to spin, and your stomach to knot, and from here on your universe is expanding like a taffy, and the possibilities are endless. And it's scary but also hopeful? There's so many instances that exist now only as footnotes in your large life, but are currently an ongoing sequence or a chapter in someone else's. This your first time looking at things like that, watching people live things you have already lived, and you will experience a million feelings, some of them about how you could have done better. But you forget that at that time you already did your best, and in retrospect, say what you will, things could always have been done better, because you are thinking as a grown person with experience. So your version of best has also changed. Pat yourself and move on. Onwards and upwards. Forgive yourself a little and catch a breath. Or else you will get dizzy and trip, because 25 is one hell of a storm. And idk if puberty hit you like a truck or not, but quarter life crisis will surely do.

#booklr #med studyblr #medical student #studyblr #biscotea tales #med school #hustle #medical school #medical side of tumblr #medical stories

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ghoulsmuses · 1 year

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💘👣

💘 Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Who was your first? Who is it now presently?

100% dsjkfjkdf i thiiiink my first like..real crush that i can remember was shego from kim possible LMAO

right now though? that's a tough one because i think i have a few from different fandoms sdfgdsfjk kojiro, kishibe, aki, gojo, dabi...the list is longer but i'll just go with those right now.

👣 How many OCs do you have? Which one is your favorite and why?

I have a lot more than is mentioned on this blog but for the sake of brevity, i'll just go with who's here. so, that number is thirty. 16 of those are d&d ocs, 14 of those are fandom ocs.

this gets long so i'll put my favourites under a cut.

of the fandom ocs, i think my favourites are:

naoyuki fujimura - he was the first OC i made for sk8 and i really adore him. i don't get to use him a whole lot but his personality and vibes are something i'm really proud of

hiromi tanaka - my chainsaw man OC. i still haven't finished her carrd yet but i put a lot of work into her so i'm excited to have her fully fleshed out eventually and hopefully get to use her more!

takashi shindo - my absolute BABY BOY i love the way he's developed and i think he's just a very neat character. there's so much about him that i still need to get out in headcanons posts but aaaaa my boy

kaede chinen - bastard boy. bastard. but god i love him sfdgdjsfjkdg he's so snarky and he toes the line of arrogance at times but he's just unapologetically himself and he doesn't allow anyone to change him drastically.

katsumi kyan - she's a menace but she's so cute and i love her so much. she's going to be the reason reki gets his grey hairs early fkjfdsjk but she's so fun and she's just a little spitfire

for d&d ocs:

mihai keove - my half elf light cleric of lathander. she's been through so so much in her backstory but she's kept her kindness and her heart. a lot of her can sort of be summed up by the saying "there's bravery in being soft". she's never lost that desire to wake up every day and be kind and take care of people. even with the loss she's experienced, she's never once let it turn her bitter. she's an incredibly strong woman and she's absolutely my favourite d&d character.

lark grey - lark is...so much fun fgjksfdjkg they're my exhausted enby human death warlock who can be summed up by "god won't let me die" except it's not god, it's death. basically, in the world lark is originally from, death works sort of like a corporation. you line up, meet death and he sends you through the big ol' doors to the afterlife unless you can bribe him to come back. lark, in life, worked for a coporation as well LMAO and so when he got his turn with death, death (aka harold) was like "ayo? i like your resume? how about you work for me instead?" and lark was like "if it means i don't have to die then yeah."

reno laedridal - screaming crying foaming at the mouth because i can never shut up about reno. reno is the first d&d character i ever made. my half elf brute fighter who can be summed up by "*smacks arm* this bad boy can fit so much trauma into him". he's morally grey, from the undercity and worked as a bouncer for a crime lord. he has some attachment issues and is a bit emotionally stunted but by god he's got a good heart under all the walls.

zikri suhaila - THE ULTIMATE BABY BOY. my half demon archfey warlock entertainer. he gets mistaken for a bard a lot because of his vibes and it absolutely frustrates him to no end but he can't be too mad about it because he definitely gets it. his mom is a former musician turned music teacher and his father is a retired adventurer which is where he got his desire to start adventuring from. he has a little brother named rahim. zikri is very charming and flirty.

#[ creature hours | ooc ]

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kerra-and-company · 1 year

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4, 9, 20, 31, 34 for whatever TWO otps you want to talk about most! :3c

@mystery-salad

Double the OTPs!! :3 :D We'll do Casca/Brook and Cio/Ari, because I feel like talking about both of them and haven't gotten the chance recently!

4. How did they first meet?

Brook and Casca met in the Ash Legion fahrar, when they were very little (toddlers, more or less). They honestly don't remember not knowing each other, and can't remember the specifics of their first meeting, either.

Cio and Ari met for the first time when they were assigned to the same airship for the upcoming attack on Mordremoth. Ari was the pilot; Cio was the engineer more-or-less in charge of making sure the weaponry did what it was supposed to do. They were both stressed and on edge, and managed to get on each others' nerves very quickly--and then, very shortly afterward, had to rely on each other to survive in a jungle full of Mordrem after the fleet crashed.

(Putting a cut here because all of the other answers are Long!)

9. How are their personalities different?

Brook and Casca can both be abrasive, but it's slightly different forms of abrasiveness. If it's mission-related, both of them are more than capable of acting differently/playing a role, but in general, with no motive to act otherwise, Brook is just kinda...I think I described them once as "spiky", alsjdkf. They need a reason to be pleasant to someone (adults, at least; they're pretty good with children). Casca, on the other hand, can be...sort of aggressively pleasant, if that makes sense? Not in a cloying way or an insincere one. She's the kind of person who will tell you with 100% honestly that you're pissing her off and she's really exhausted and would rather not deal with your bullshit today so could you please fuck off while grinning. This still feels like it's not quite capturing what I mean, but I think it's close. (Side note, for whatever it's worth, Casca is very awkward with kids, though she does like them.)

Also worth noting for these two is that Brook has faith in the gods--more specifically, in Kormir--where Casca does not. Brook's faith is not in quite the same form as Kasmeer's, but it is pretty unshakable, even though (and partially because) they do believe in the gods' fallibility. Casca, on the other hand, has never had that kind of faith in any sort of higher power--not a god or gods, not the Legions, not the Pact. The closest she's ever gotten to that was the trust she put in Ari, but it's not really the same thing.

Cio and Ari both had walls up in very different ways when they first met. Cio was afraid of letting people get close because she was afraid of losing them, but she was still outwardly friendly/amicable to most people, just distant. Ari refused to confront all of the complex emotions she was dealing with as a result of past experiences, and therefore barely talked to others beyond what she had to for her job (or what slipped out as a result of being angry/irritated/pushed past her limits for the day). Their personalities without walls up have some semi-similar differences. Cio is entirely unafraid of calling out anyone who's being an asshole, but she's also quick to be friendly to a stranger, whereas Ari is not. Ari has a sort of gruff teasing thing she does with people who are (at minimum) on the cusp of progressing to the friend stage from the acquaintance one, but Cio really only teases the people she's closest to.

20. Who holds a grudge the longest?

For Brook and Casca? Casca, by a mile at least. She'll give a second chance, but very very rarely, if ever, gives anyone a third.

For Cio and Ari...hmmm. Cio, as far as who's actually held one the longest. Ari blamed herself more than anyone else for the losses she experienced, and she thought her primus was horrible (which he was) but didn't exactly hold a grudge against him. (To be fair, by the time she was in a space where that grudge would maybe have resurfaced over the various other feelings she was distracted by, the guy had already died, so.) I was going to say that I could maybe see her holding more of a grudge against Weylon (and Lifa, later on) if she thought more of herself, but...honestly, no, not really. She was in charge, and as far as she's concerned, on her head be all of it. Cio, on the other hand, does hold a very justified nugget of resentment with her towards a large part of Rata Sum and the Arcane Council, one that she would likely be holding even if they hadn't repeatedly proven over the years (often specifically to her face) that they're no better than they were when she was a child.

31. What’s the relationship like? Smooth? Rocky?

Brook and Casca were inseparable as cubs. They were a team before they really formed a warband with the others, and they remained a team afterwards. They got together romantically during their early teenage years, and their relationship was pretty much like their friendship. They had some arguments, some minor rockier times, as well as some things that were more or less related to growing pains--both of each other, as they were literally growing up at this point, and of the relationship. But they'd had a whole lot of practice with those things in the thirteen years before they got together and managed to navigate it pretty damn well in the following seven years. And then their warband was shattered, they were both captured by the Flame Legion, and they were separated for nearly ten years.

After reuniting, it's...both smoother and not as smooth. They have to relearn each other in some ways, but they're also not kids, and they have a sense of stability in a different way now. There's places they have to be cautious that weren't there before, triggers that are new, ten years worth of memories to go through together. But they've always known each other, and they still do after everything. And they love each other. And they're making it work. It gets easier every day.

Cio and Ari have a very smooth romantic relationship, but in terms of their relationship in general prior to that, it started off somewhat rocky. As kinda mentioned in question 4, they didn't like each other that much when they first met, but they worked well together when they were forced to, and their back-and-forth switched at some point during their trek through Maguuma from having a tone of "I'm irritated with your existence" to having one of "I care about you and would very much rather you didn't die"--not that neither of them would have admitted that at the time. They kept working together throughout the rest of HoT, and their friendship progressed from there, but it wasn't necessarily smooth or linear. They worked for different parts of the Pact (Whispers for Ari, and the Priory for Cio), and therefore were deployed to different locations at some points during LWS3 and early PoF. When they were together (or when they sent letters), there absolutely were miscommunications occasionally, and hurt feelings, and a decent amount of hey, I care about you, please eat/sleep more than you are currently. LWS4 was when they reached a point of making key decisions based on each other--which group they wanted to be deployed with, where they'd be stationed during the fight with Kralkatorrik, what they'd do afterwards. Whether or not they'd go to the All-Legion Rally.

These days, they're no longer part of the Pact, and they get to make their own decisions. They fight very rarely, though they disagree over smaller things on a semi-regular basis. They have somewhere they're comfortable and they're building a life together. Aside from that one time recently that the world almost ended thanks to the Dragonvoid, their lives and their relationship are both going pretty smoothly!

34. Do they give each other nicknames?

Brook and Casca will use shortened versions of each other's names when they're alone--just B and Cass, nothing super fancy--but that's pretty much it.

Cio and Ari have the nicknames that they originally gave each other as insults--Ari called Cio "Sparky", and Cio called her "furball". Both of those eventually became more affectionate terms. These days, the nicknames are used in more teasing circumstances. They use each other's names when they're trying to be sweet/romantic.

#gw2 #splitshadow #ciari #mystery-salad #thanks a bunch for the ask! :D #rambling about these folks was Really Fun #because i have so many thoughts about them stored in my brain alsjkdfsa #also worth noting but i didn't know where i could put it:#cio teases people who are *very* important to her and that's it #and ari hit that threshold Very quickly without ari realizing it at all #but cio absolutely noticed it Instantly and was like. 'ah. shit. what.'#which is notable because she noticed and Didn't pull back despite that really scaring her #anyways #thanks again :D #brook splitstorm #casca shadowstorm #cioffi #ari stormshield #tagging them all individually because there are Character Things in this post too

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monotonous-minutia · 2 years

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I actually think I'm going to lose my mind.

I don't usually post stuff like this but I feel like I'm going to explode. And I can't really talk about it to anyone for a variety of reasons but my god I'm going to lose it.

The person I live with is going through some shit. And I feel for her,I really do; she's got some significant struggles. But quite a bit of it is self sabotage and it's hard for me to watch and especially hard to empathize when she has multiple people, including medical professionals, telling her what to do, but she chooses not to do it and then complains about the aftermath. And then expects me to nod along to her rants when inside I'm just screaming that if she just did what her doctor tells her to do, she wouldn't be in this situation.

On top of it when she gets into these funks she needs to be around people or she gets dangerously depressed. Often she has friends and family to turn to but sometimes she doesn't and then expects me to fill the void. A lot of the time I don't mind because she's fun to hang out with and we share a lot of the same interests. But I work with people all day and sometimes I just want to be by myself, especially because I recently suffered a huge personal loss and I'm still trying to process it. I don't want her to be alone and depressed but she doesn't seem to get that I need my own time. We used to have overlapping work schedules where I'd get home a few hours before her and get some alone time to recharge before she got back. But now she's not working so every minute I'm home, she's there and wanting me to hang out with her.

On top of everything she doesn't clean up after herself. We've talked about it a few times and she keeps saying she'll get to it but she doesn't. The living room is such a mess I don't want to be in there and the kitchen is so nasty I can't make food. She won't do her share of the housework either so parts of the house are just constantly dirty. Sometimes it gets to a point where I can't stand it anymore and I just clean up all her messes because I don't want mold and bugs getting in the house. But I'm sick of her just lying around all weekend while I clean the whole house.

It's gotten to the point where as stressful and annoying as work is at the moment, which is its whole own thing, I don't want to be home. I hate weekends because it's just me cleaning and her sleeping on the couch with the TV on. And when she is awake she wants me around and listening to her talk. Sometimes it's fun to be with her,it really is, but no matter how many hints I drop she just doesn't get that I want to be alone unless I just go in my room and close the door.

And i know a big part of it is her wanting me to be over what happened to me. Everyone in my life does. It doesn't help that I can't talk about it so people seem to think I'm done processing but I'm not. I need to be alone sometimes, or with someone but not talking. I can't just get over what happened and I honestly don't think I ever will. But I don't know anyone who's experienced the same thing so I don't have anyone to talk to about it, not even my therapist because it's not her specialty, and none of the other mental health resources in the area address it.

I really don't have any family to support me except my little brother and I'd never burden him with this. Fact is I do want him to know, he deserves to, but I haven't been able to bring myself to tell him. The only person I know who's been through the same thing is one of my co workers but I learned that through someone else and we don't know each other super well and it's not like I can just go up to her and be like "hey I heard we both went through this super personal thing wanna talk about it."

I literally feel like I have a hole in me that's never ever going to heal and literally no one in my life fucking gets that. They just want me to be better and attend to their needs. Some days I feel like I can't even go to work, but the alternative is staying home with my roommate. I don't have anywhere to go. No friends close enough to visit without notice and gas is too expensive for me to just go on a long drive like I used to love to do. I could go for a walk but there's only so many times I can do that before I just get lost in my head and that's not good either. I can't even really enjoy the media I love because I'm still so shell shocked I can't focus enough.

I just want to go back in time before any of this ever happened. Normally I'd want to fast forward until it's all better. But not this time. Because I'll never be whole again. People think I'm exaggerating but I am not. People want me to be better, it's been two weeks. And maybe I'll be okay and healthy again some day but it's a long fucking road and even if I do get there I'll never be the same.

Anyway sorry for spilling all this with no warning I just. I'm going to lose my mind.

#personal #probably deleting later

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