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shoutaaizawas · 3 years

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↳ touya todoroki x reader → ❝safe in your arms❞

summary: your bleeding shivering and scared you stumble to the last place you thought you’d go for safety inspired by @one-lonely-whumperfly post word count: 1.9k+ tags/warnings: injury mention, blood mention, mention of being drugged, angst, fluff, light enemies to lovers a/n: ive been super unmotivated to write but this was a lot of fun so shoutout to this prompt. also it’s super cold here. hope everyone is doing well.

Dabi was enjoying a quiet night at his apartment. It wasn’t a nice place and it wasn’t in a nice neighborhood but it was the place he called home. Being around the league could be too much at times so it was nice to get away and have time alone.

He was laying across his dingy couch with a plastic cup of cheap whiskey in hand as he watched whatever was on TV when he heard banging at his door.

Dabi let out a huff as he stood up, if Toga was here to bother him again he was going to have to move and hide his new address. Opening up his front door ready to scold Toga the words disappeared from his mouth at the sight in front of him.

There you stood, slouched against the wall. Blood smeared across your face, a foggy look in your eyes, and fear and exhaustion rolling off you in waves.

There was a lot to wonder in such a small amount of time. What happened? Why did you come here? How did you even know where he lived? Granted he didn’t have time to consider these things as you were currently falling to the ground.

Dabi reached out to grab you, his arms wrapping around your waist just in time. He pulled you up letting you rest your weight on him so that you could stand.

“I didn’t take you as the type to show up at my place and fall for me.” He teased. Was it the right time for a joke, no, but he was a villain he wasn’t supposed to care about those things. Not to mention the anxious wave rolling through him was unbearable and cracking a poorly timed joke was an easy way to cope. The smirk on your bloodied lips reassured the worry of offending you that he pretended wasn’t there. Despite your acceptance of his joke, your reply was serious.

“Didn’t know where else to go.” You rasped out. There was a rawness to your answer. There was none of that hero bravado. Just fear. It stirred something in him that he had been trying to pretend wasn’t there for a long time. It was easy to brush off when you were standing tall throwing his snarky banter back at him with the same level of wit he had thrown it at you with. There was something terrifying in your vulnerability that he couldn’t exactly place. Or at least he pretended like he couldn’t place it.

“Not sure if this would even be my first choice.” He said as he readjusted getting a better grasp on you. It was tempting to pick you up and carry you over the threshold of his apartment like a princess but he resisted. With your arm over his shoulder, he helped you to his uncomfortable couch, placing you down on it. Turning on the light he tried to get a better look at you.

Squinting from the brightness of the light only made things look worse. The blood on your face was still fresh, dripping down onto your clothes. Casual clothes. He wasn’t sure if he had ever seen you in anything other than your hero costume.

He took your chin between his fingers with a softness he didn’t even know he was capable of anymore, even more, surprising was how you didn’t flinch away from his touch. He wasn’t sure if that was some form of trust from you or just a sign of how out of it you were. There had to be some explainable reason you were here and not at a hero’s house or the hospital.

Looking at the cuts on your face he felt an anger rise in him that he didn’t expect. He wasn’t an innocent man, he had done this to people, he had probably done this to you at some point. Why was this upsetting him?

“Stay here, let me grab some stuff.” He said before going to the bathroom and grabbing his first aid kit from underneath the sink along with some wash clothes covered in warm water. Returning he knelt on the ground in front of you. Your eyes were closed and you were swaying back and forth even seated on the couch. He didn’t know anything about what happened but he had a bad feeling that someone had slipped you something.

“Tell me what happened.” A part of him was dying to know but he also knew you would need something to distract you from the pain of your wounds being cleaned up. Your eyes opened up and you stared at him blankly for a moment.

“Um, I- It-” You took a moment to get started. “I was at a bar. I was supposed to meet my friend. It was supposed to be a girl’s night, I got all ready, I even put on my favorite shirt.” You said looking down sadly at the black blouse you were wearing that was now covered in blood. Dabi carefully wiped away the blood on your face with the warm cloth looking for the wounds. “They couldn’t make it, hero emergency. I thought I’d at least stay for another drink since I was already there and dressed up.”

“Typical heroes, always running off.” Dabi scoffed.

“There was this guy, I didn’t think anything of it. I- I just wanted to finish my drink and go home but he started talking to me.” You said closing your eyes for a moment like you were trying to remember it all. “I thought he was maybe a fan. He wouldn’t stop talking to me, he got me a drink. I didn’t really want it but I didn’t want to be rude.”

“I would think a hero like you would be more careful.” Dabi scolded as finished cleaning up the cuts on your face. The thought of some guy bothering you made him sick which was unexpected. He moved on to cleaning the wounds on your face.

“I- I didn’t think he was dangerous.” You said in a small voice. Dabi paused, his hand resting on your chin tilting your gaze to his. For a moment he was pulled into your eyes, the warmth there even under the fear that still lingered. “I got up to leave, I was outside but my head was spinning. I didn’t drink that much, I knew something was wrong but I could barely stand up. Someone grabbed me, there was no one around, they pulled me into the alleyway there and I couldn’t do anything. My quirk wouldn’t work right, I couldn’t do anything to protect myself.”

The thought of you defenseless was far more upsetting than he could fathom. You hesitated to say what happened next, not that you really needed to, it was clear on the wounds that he was cleaning what they had done.

“Do you know who it was?” He asked trying to keep his voice even. The anger rising in him was hard to control, not that he was used to controlling himself.

“A local crime boss, or at least his guys.” You said. “I’ve been trying to stop him. He’s been using people, using their fear to get money and control from them. I’m going to stop him but he tried to stop me first I guess.”

Dabi made a note, it wouldn’t be hard for him to find him. Especially if he framed it as a business proposition from the league. That could wait, right now he just wanted to help you. How odd that was for him.

“Can’t let your guard down when you mess with underhanded criminals like that.” He said.

“What about criminals like you?” You asked. Your tone was teasing but he could hear the edge of honest interest in your voice.

“I’m a lot more straightforward. No fun beating your heroic rival when they’re already roughed up.” He said as he placed a bandage on your cheek. You had a few scratches on your face light bruises were already forming on your skin. “Let me get you some pain killers.”

Dabi returned with a glass of water and some pills before he went back to his room to find clothes you could wear. He grabbed a black shirt and some shorts.

“You can stay the night here.” He said. “Change into something more comfortable.”

You looked down at the clothes for a moment, possibly reconsidering the situation that you had put yourself in. To his surprise, you took the clothes and shakily stood up. He pointed you in the direction of his bathroom.

Dabi went into his room trying to tidy it up. Making the bed, grabbing the trash off the nightstand. He couldn’t recall the last time he had cleaned up for someone. He never cared what people thought of him or his place and it wasn’t like he had very many guests.

He turned at the sight of you in the doorway. You looked good in his shirt. You looked better in general, you had cleaned off the blood and grime that had been leftover and you looked a little more coherent now. He was still waiting for you to realize you were crazy for being here but you were still here.

You moved to lay down on the bed, pulling the thin covers over yourself.

“I’m cold.” You said.

“I don’t have any more blankets.” He replied. It wasn’t like he even needed blankets, he never got cold.

Before he could do or say anything else you grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into bed. For a moment he laid there in shock as you scooted closer to him.

The silence wasn’t awkward or tense but he found himself wondering if he should say something to break it. Social anxiety wasn’t something that Dabi faced often, you seemed to be putting him through a lot of unfamiliar moments tonight.

“Why did you come here?” He asked finally. The question had been on his mind all night. The pause of silence made him wonder if you had fallen asleep.

“I was scared and felt alone, I could barely think straight I knew I needed to go to someone but for some reason, your face was the only one in my mind.”

Dabi glanced over to you, you were looking up at him with a soft look in your eyes that made his heart flutter. Having you here tonight made him realize that his fascination with you was past that of a villain has for their rival. His interest in you was resembling a crush more than anything else at this point.

The fact that in a vulnerable state you thought to go to him, no you weren’t even thinking it was an instinct that brought you here.

“You’re safe here.” He said quietly, his arm wrapping around your shoulders and pulling you in. Your head rested against his chest and the way you nuzzled against him made his cheeks warm. Your eyes closed and your breathing evened and he knew you had fallen asleep.

One night had changed so much for him. He wasn’t sure if you would wake up tomorrow and regret coming here or if just maybe you felt similar to him. The thought was scary but for now, there was nothing he could do except enjoy the weight of you in his arms and think about how good it would feel to incinerate the person who had hurt you.

taglist: @sugarmaplewings-fics @lilkiwisfinest @ewwis-but-more-otaku @kandy1410 @moonlightaangel @winnies-headcannons @bkghatesyou @paintedr0ses1 @toobsessedsstuff @spellboundxizi @ourladyofseijoh @x0doodlebug0x @katsushimaa @mooncademia @moon-write @todominica @why-so-red @kvichisaki @curiouslilbeast @izukukozume @maat-the-prescriptive

#dabi x reader #dabi #touya todoroki x reader #touya todoroki #bnha x reader #mha x reader #bnha #mha

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333dolans · 3 years

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If By Chance Pt. 2 // E.D

Part 1

Summary: It’s been 2 years since she’d last seen him, what would happen if by chance they were to meet once more?

Sorry for being gone for so long! Ive been super busy and just haven’t had any time to write. I’ll hopefully post a bit more regularly this year! I love you all mwah!!🥰

4:35pm, Great.

It was the first time she would be seeing Gray in what felt like eternity and she was already late, Classic Rory. In her defence, he had agreed to pick her up but a meeting running over later than expected meant she was left to fend for herself. The fact that she didn’t know her way around LA yet paired along with her general lack of time management left her here, outside of the adorable, little cafe Gray had sent her the address for.

She felt the explosion of butterflies erupt within her stomach at the sight of his car and pulled in next to it. She took a moment to compose her thoughts that seemed to be racing along with her heart. Taking a final deep breath, she climbed out from her car and made a start towards the cafe door.

From the very moment she laid her eyes on his tall figure, nothing could of slowed the pace she ran towards him. She called out his name and as he glanced up from his phone, the widest smile took over his face. Opening up his arms just in time, he caught her in his warm embrace. It felt good to be home.

“I missed you so much.” He sighed contently, spinning her around one more time before placing her body back firmly on the ground.

“Missed you more Grapeson.” She replied with a smirk.

“Wow... that’s gotta be a record, we’ve been together what? One whole minute and you’ve already said it.” He rolled his eyes, coaxing a giggle from Rory.

“I said we were bringing it back my love and i meant it!” She grinned smugly up at him before grabbing his hand and leading them into the coffee shop. As the little bell chimed, they were greeted by an older woman who beamed their way.

“Hello Grayson! Your usual i assume? And what can i get for you sweetheart?” She asked with a warm smile.

“Ill go get us a table, i know the best seats.” Grayson told her before wondering off to a far corner in the store.

“Ill get a hot chocolate please.” She replied graciously with a shy smile and the woman was quick to get started on the order.

“I’m Genevieve by the way but you my dear, can call me Gen! You know Grayson never mentioned he had a girlfriend, you’re absolutely gorgeous.” She began to make small talk as she poured Grayson’s coffee into its cup. Rory choked on air at gen’s words, gaping at her in shock.

“Were- were not together, just good friends.” She said with a deep blush.

“Oh my bad! You two would make a beautiful couple if i might say.”

Rory couldn’t help but smile at Gen’s bluntness, she loved her already. After some more casual conversation, Rory said her thank you to Gen and headed off toward the table Grayson had saved, gently placing their drinks on the tabletop before sliding into the booth seat. These seats in particular looked out onto a beautiful landscape and Rory couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief as she sank lower into the leather of the seat, this day couldn’t have gone any better. Nothing had changed between her and gray and she couldn’t be more thankful.

The two sat and talked for hours as the sun began to set on the city that awaited them just outside of the window. They filled each other in on everything and anything they could think of, from childhood memories to the launch of wakeheart. It was inevitable really, that they would eventually end up on the topic of a certain twin brother. No matter how much Rory had tried to change the subject, he always found a way back into the conversation, she knew shed have to face the music someday anyway, may as well bite the bullet sooner rather than later.

“He misses you, you know? He may be an absolute idiot and too damn stubborn to ever admit it but i know that he does. He still reads through your old messages and looks at old photos. He still checks your socials every now and then, I’ve seen him.”

Rory sighed with a small shake of her head.

“Gray, he dropped me remember? No one told him he had to do that, he got a girlfriend and she became more important. That’s life i guess and I’ve dealt with that knowledge for years now. He prioritised her over me and that’s on him.” She let her gaze drift from his face to the window beside her, now littered with stray raindrops from the light drizzle that had began.

She allowed herself to breathe deeply, basking in the feelings that a crisp fall breeze always managed to stir within her. God, did she love autumn. Nothing could compare to the sight of the leaves changing to colours of fire and passion before her very eyes. Along with the colder weather came rainy days, and with rainy days? Time she could spend huddled up in front of a window reading whatever book she’d chosen for that week. Everyone who has ever known Rory, would know full well she would would be half way through that book within the space of a few hours.

Something about the rain had always enticed her, she felt a strange comfort within the damp weather that left most people feeling miserable. She thrived in it, wanting nothing more than to cozy up in fluffy socks and warm layers of clothes and watch droplets race along the panes of the nearest window.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Slightly startled from his sudden appearance, she beckoned her breathing to calm down to a steady pace once again. She allowed her eyes to trail up his tall frame, soaking him in as much as she could. There stood Ethan in all his glory along with a piping hot mug of her favourite, hot chocolate. Rory was never much of a coffee drinker, always having a sweet tooth and preferring the chocolatey taste to the bitterness a cup of coffee would leave in her mouth for hours. Besides, no one likes coffee breath. She allowed her gaze to retreat back to its fixed spot, staring out into the forest that lined the perimeter of the Dolan’s backyard.

“Then I hate to break it to you E but you’ll be short of quite a few pennies by the time you’ve heard all of the thoughts that are running around my mind right now.”

She allowed a defeated sigh to slip past her lips, filling the silence that had fallen between the two. It was true, her mind had been all over the place ever since the moment the twins had told her of their plan to pursue a career in Los Angeles. She felt like her world was collapsing in on her and in a way, it was. Her whole life as she knew it consisted of Ethan and Grayson Dolan, she had spent practically everyday with the pair for as long as she could remember and she wasn’t sure if she was ready for that chapter of her life to be over.

“A hot chocolate instead? Please Rory, talk to me. I know this is going to be a big change for you, but it is for me and Grayson too yeah? Were all going to be feeling the same emotions in the next few weeks, we have to be there for each other and I can’t do that if you wont open up to me.”

Sliding down opposite her small frame on the cold hardwood floor of his childhood home, Ethan couldn’t help but become overwhelmed by his emotions. This had been his home for many years, it contained so many memories. These very walls had been witness to the life of the three best friends and the idea of leaving this part of his life behind, leaving his best friend behind? It tore Ethan to pieces but he was also optimistic for this exciting new chapter. He tried to remain positive and think of the new adventures they will get to have in the city of angels. The memories he can make with the ones he holds closest.

“Everything is changing E. I don’t think I’m ready to move on from this, I don’t want to be left behind again. I’m going to be so alone here, you guys are the only real friends I have. I don’t want to lose you, or Grayson.”

A stray tear made it’s way down her cheek as the rain continued outside. She looked up to meet the eyes of her best friend, the boy she’d always love. His hand reached out for hers and clasped it tightly in his own. She saw a flash of hope flash across his beautiful brown eyes that she adored so much.

“You could come with us you know? There’s a spare room in the apartment and you know I...we would love to have you there with us. We could go on so many adventures and explore California and we could-“

“E, as wonderful as that sounds, you know my mom would never let me just drop everything and go. What about school? College? You know what she expects of me. I really wish it was that simple.”

In that moment, Rory swore she saw a small piece of Ethan’s heart break away before her very eyes. She forced her tears back, choking slightly from the lack of air that seemed to be escaping her lungs. Why did this have to be so hard? Ethan paused for what felt like eternity before speaking once more.

“I’m going to miss you so much my little lion, so fucking much.”

He outstretched his arms, his warm embrace calling her name. She crawled over to him, closing the small gap that was between them. She clung to his torso as he stroked his fingers through her hair soothingly.

“Nothing is going to change between us Rory, absolutely nothing.”

“Why don’t you come back to our place? I’m not ready to say goodbye yet anyway and I know he’d love to see you. Please, just for a little while?” Gray’s words snapped her back from her reminiscing. He looked into her eyes with such hope, she just couldn’t say no to him.

“God damn those puppy eyes” she cursed under her breath, causing a smirk from Grayson who sat opposite her with a triumphant look on his face.

“I better not regret this Dolan.”

Tags: @rhyrhy462 @evergreendolan @dolansficsandpics @fangdolan @livexdolan @blindedbythelightt @baby-grayson @prettyboydolan @delightfuldolan @sosweetgrethan @episkygrant @resilientdolan @pineappledols @vinylhazza @hydrograyson @velvetdolan @baby-turtles @szadolans @cutestdolans @brockdolan @mercurygrant @abstractstardiva @guiltydols @blazedgraysons @blackpinkdolan @vintagedolan @babeygray @babey-gray @dolanpornhub @onlyyyariii @voidmalfoy @glossydols @graysonsdolansbabygirl @spideysimpossiblegirl @lovingdolans @bubsdolan @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @dolansbeanies @graydolan12 @dolantissue @thecharlietomygillespie @dolandolll @boujeeethan @softethan @risedols @evreths @everydaydolan

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missmonsters2 · 5 years

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Drive Her Crazy || Part X

PAIRING: Wanda Maximoff x OFC/Reader

Summary: AU. Meet Wanda, the new ‘It’ girl. She’s built her social standing as a social influencer through Instagram and vlogging on Youtube. Queen Bee in her social circle, she’s got everyone wrapped around her finger. She’s perfect, you think. Girls like that require a little finesse, and you’re ready to play the game.

Warnings: Non-healthy relationship, psychological games, smut. 18+ only.

NOTE: Wow, I can’t believe we are finished. Thank you to everyone who read this story, enjoyed it, liked it, reblogged it, or commented! My heart is super full. This is the happiest ending for our lovely crazies 💛

[Please watch out for my next series which will feature Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader, The Color of You 😊]

PART I || PART II || PART III || PART IV || PART V || PART VI || PART VII || PART VIII || PART IX

PART X of X

Count: 5231

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“Great work, Vision! You’re good for today.”

Vision sighed, pulling off his headphones, and walking out the recording studio.

He thanked everyone for their hard work on his way out.

The single he recently released was doing quite well, and he was quickly gaining a fanbase.

His breakup with Wanda had actually inspired some pretty good lyrics, and with some help to finesse the finished product, the single was becoming a hit.

Vision hadn’t spoken Wanda since they split up at the party, but it’s not like he could avoid the headlines Wanda and her new girlfriend made. It was everywhere because you were so famous.

He still often spoke to Tony who updated him with what everyone’s been up to and Pepper was kind enough to give him advice from time to time.

Digging his hand into his pocket, he felt his ring there. He couldn’t bear to get rid of the engagement ring he got Wanda yet. It felt like it was the only thing left of her he had.

As he walked out of recording studio, the exit he usually took was blocked off by cleaners, so he turned another way.

It was a hall of records. Vision smiled slightly as he passed by each one.

But then he saw one that made him stop.

It was your record, for the first album you released that has now gone triple platinum.

He saw a couple more of your records framed up.

He was reeling.

This was too weird.

Someone was passing by, and Vision stopped them. It was Ryan, the engineer that would be helping him with his album.

“Ryan...what’s this? Why are her albums framed up here?”

Ryan gave him a weird look as he gazed over your albums.

“She’s an artiste at this company. Has been for a really long time. You never see her around, though. She’s been here long enough and produced enough results that they just let her do her own thing. In fact, you guys share the same manager.”

“What?” Vision choked.

Ryan had his eyebrows scrunched at Vision. Maybe he was a fan?

“I-I gotta go,” Vision said as he turned around and bolted out.

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“Can I look yet?”

“No, and don’t you dare peek.”

You have your hands over Wanda’s eyes as you safely guide her into your guys’ new home. She had mostly been busy with work, so you had taken the liberty of making sure everything would be set up.

Of course, you still had sent her a billion texts to see what type of furniture and color theme Wanda preferred.

Today was the move-in day, and you had picked your girlfriend up when she was done work for the day.

“Please, I just want to see now,” Wanda whined, and you hushed her.

“Patience is a virtue, love,” you tease her. You hear her huff slightly.

“Well, I’m very naughty,” she teased you right back, and you had to bite your lip.

Dear lord, you needed to move faster before Wanda decided she wanted to have her wicked way with you without you being able to show her the whole place.

Once you’re in the perfect spot, you smile as you kiss the back of Wanda’s head gently before releasing your hands.

Wanda’s eyes flutter open, awe washing over her as she takes a look at the entire place.

It was big.

It was beautiful.

It was her dream home.

The soft, pastel colors and marbling of the furniture was a dream. She turns around, jumping into your arms, kissing you right on your mouth.

“I love it,” she gushes. “Thank you for taking care of all this.”

You merely hum happily, leaning in to kiss her again. Wanda walks around the house, touching nearly everything and gushing about how everything looks perfect.

By the time you make it back to the living room, she turns to you, head tilted to the side with her fingers on her chin.

“You know, maybe there is one thing that’s missing,” she says, taking a look around herself.

“Really? What?” You ask, trying your best to think if you missed anything.

Wanda looks back at you with a wicked grin.

“I think we need to christen the house.”

Before you know it, you’re revisiting every room in the house again.

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Wanda is on cloud nine by the time she reaches her friends for brunch the next day.

“Hey, girls. Sorry, I’m late,” she greets them as she takes her seat next to Lily. Her other friend Anna from her party and at the charity was there too. Finally, Stacey had been invited by Anna.

Lily was snickering as Wanda took a seat. “What happened? Miss DJ didn’t want to let you out of bed?”

Wanda immediately flushed red at her cheeks, the heat traveling all the way to her ears.

Because that’s exactly what happened.

You had tried to convince her to stay in bed longer using your sexy, cocky smirk she liked, and your deft fingers and tongue.

Managing to keep in her in bed for another half hour, Wanda put all her willpower into getting up and running to the bathroom where you couldn’t follow.

She definitely wanted to stay in bed longer too.

“Damn, girl, you really getting it,” Lily whistled, and Wanda had to push her friend playfully.

“I’m so jealous of you,” Anna whined as she sighed wistfully with her head in her hands. “I can’t believe you’re dating Lady Phantom. I had no idea she was so romantic. Everyone’s been talking about how she serenaded you at your party.”

Wanda only lightly chuckled, cheeks warm from the praises.

“Oh!” Anna exclaimed as she sat upright, pulling her phone up and searching for something before showing it to Wanda. “Since your last interview where you revealed you were dating her, so many other tabloids are picking it up.”

Wanda grabbed the phone, looking at the headlines.

LADY PHANTOM HAS A GIRLFRIEND?

INFLUENCER WANDA MAXIMOFF BAGS ELUSIVE DJ.

LADY PHANTOM AND WANDA MAXIMOFF CAUGHT HOLDING HANDS AND KISSING WHILE WALKING

DJ LADY PHANTOM AND INFLUENCER WANDA MAXIMOFF BUY A HOUSE TOGETHER? IS THE ELUSIVE DJ SETTLING DOWN?

Wanda bit her lip as she clicked on one of the headlines, skimming through it.

A close source says that Lady Phantom may have whisked Wanda Maximoff right off her feet from new artist Vision. The source says that the DJ romantically serenaded Wanda at her birthday party recently. Swoon! What a lucky girl!

The smile on Wanda’s face was so broad as she passed her phone back to Anna.

She was the girl who locked you down.

“It’s crazy how they’ve already got this much information. We just bought the house in Los Altos Hills,” Wanda says offhandedly, casually dropping the neighborhood she now resides in.

“What?” Stacey exclaims, surprised, and a little bit jealous as well. She had tried to cling to you during the party, but you didn’t seem interested at all.

“Nice houses there aren’t under $1.6 million and the photos you posted to Instagram...shit, how much was it?”

Wanda just smiled and shrugged, she wasn’t about to brag how you and she got a $5 million dollar house.

It was crazy to her. She would’ve never been able to buy one of the beautiful houses of Los Altos Hills with Vision.

It just felt like her dreams of having everything she wanted in her life and to share it with the person she loves was all coming true.

The rest of the brunch went on as usual. The girls were screaming in excitement that she would be doing a photoshoot with David King. Wanda hadn’t even told them that she would be auditioning for a movie soon after.

“Excuse me,” Wanda called the waitress as she was passing by. “Could I get an order of the traditional breakfast bowl to go? Medium poached eggs and extra hollandaise sauce, please.”

The waitress nodded with a smile before leaving.

“You bringing some for your girlfriend?” Lily asked with teasing in her tone.

Wanda nodded with a smile, “Yeah, we, uh, didn’t have time for breakfast this morning, and she had to go to the studio right after. I’m going to visit her with food.”

Lily sighed adoringly, “Oh, young love, how it is...”

“You’re younger than me, Lil,” Wanda said, and they both laughed.

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Wanda was on her way, closing in on the studio to see you when her phone started vibrating.

She transferred your food into her other hand that was holding up her bag as she dug her free hand into her back pocket, tongue out as she picked up.

“Hello,” she answered, not being able to check the caller ID before she picked up.

“Wanda--” The voice was frantic.

“Vision?” Wanda answered confusedly. Why was her ex calling her?

“How’ve you been? I heard your single is doing well. I’m happy for you,” Wanda told him warmly regardless of why he was calling her.

“Yeah, Wanda, listen, you need to break up with your girlfriend. I told you there was something wrong with her!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Wanda said heatedly. How could he just call to say that?

“I knew this opportunity to sign on was too good to be true. She’s from the same company, even has the same manager as me! I know she sent her manager to recruit me on the day of your birthday. She set me up to not show up!”

“Did someone tell you that?” Wanda asked, her walk becoming brisker as she was getting heated.

“No, but--”

“Then how the hell do you know that’s true? So what that you’re in the same company with the same manager? She tells me she hardly talks to her manager as she essentially handles her own work. Also, even if that were true, no one told you to drink yourself to a blackout state and miss my birthday. You could’ve signed on, had your celebratory drink, and left,” Wanda huffed.

“I am not hashing this out with you again, Viz,” Wanda said finally.

“Wanda, please, listen to me. There really is something off about her. She’s clearly obsessed with you. Who knows how long she’s been plotting to get you.”

“You want me to be offended my girlfriend wants me and finds me desirable?”

“No, I want you to be offended that she has no boundaries and sabotaged me to get you!”

“That’s seriously insane, Vision. She’s a famous DJ, and I’m just a social influencer. Does that make any sense to you?”

“Wanda--”

“Vision!” Wanda interrupted him. “I don’t want to hear about this again. We’re supposed to have an amicable breakup. Seriously, don’t call me again if you’re going to just say this.”

She could hear him saying something else as she hung up. She huffed again, rolling her eyes slightly.

Wanda tried to shake off the icky mood that the call put her in. She didn’t want to be grumpy when she saw you.

She placed her knuckles against the door softly as she knocked.

It wasn’t you who opened the door, but the guy seemed to have recognized her and let her in, putting his finger to his lips to signal her to be quiet.

She sheepishly shrugged her shoulders as she tiptoed in.

There she found you, your back facing her as you were looking over the recording, playing it with headphones on.

Wanda heard you hum lightly before you pressed a button to speak to the singer inside the recording studio.

“That was pretty good, but can you try redoing the last line? Instead of just holding the note on the last word, do a vocal run.”

The singer nodded, clearing her throat as she got ready.

Everyone watched as she redid it, and it sounded amazing. The difference was so subtle, but it sent chills down their spine.

“That’s perfect! Great job. Why don’t you take a break?” You suggested.

Once everyone began to relax, you turned around, surprise in your eyes as you saw your girlfriend standing there.

Wanda immediately went over to embrace you, kissing you softly.

Damn, you were so sexy when you worked.

You hummed into the kiss, clearly enjoying it.

“Mm,” you pulled back slightly. “What are you doing here? I thought you had brunch with your friends.”

Wanda gave you a half-smirk, holding onto the lapels of your leather jacket. “Well, I thought since you weren’t able to get breakfast this morning due to your shenanigans, I thought I’d bring you some.”

“What kind of shenanigans?” A dude from the back yelled, and everyone laughed as you rolled your eyes.

You looked back at your girlfriend, adoration just filling your eyes as you looked at her. Grabbing her hand and the food off the table, you led her out.

“C’mon, let’s eat outside. There’s too much testosterone in here.”

The boys laughed again, and Wanda giggled.

You led her out to the back where a lovely table and bench were in the shade under a tree.

Taking out the food, your stomach nearly ate itself, smelling the aroma.

You really were hungry.

But the hunger was definitely worth keeping Wanda in bed as long as you could this morning.

“So,” you said as you scooped some food onto your spoon. “How was brunch?”

“It was good. Lily, Anna, and Stacey were there.”

“Stacey as in...that girl from your birthday?”

Wanda scrunched her nose up at that but nodded. “Yeah...she totally wants to kill me so she can date you.”

You laughed, bringing your hand to your mouth. You swallowed your food before talking again.

“I highly doubt she could get the drop on you, so no worries there.”

“You’re damn right,” Wanda mumbled as you smiled.

Wanda watched you eat, her mouth curling upwards without her even realizing. You were always so focused on your food while eating, and she thought it was endearing.

“So,” Wanda says. “Have you...seen the tabloids by any chance?”

Your licking remnants of hollandaise sauce from your lips as you hear Wanda ask that. You nod, scooping more food.

“Mhm,” you say, spoon in their air as you have yet to put it into your mouth. You tilt your head, brow quirked as you look up slightly. “I hear a very, very attractive social influencer has bagged an elusive DJ. Apparently, they’ve been spotted buying a house together. How scandalous.”

Wanda is grinning ear to ear. God, why were you also so funny?

“Yes,” she plays along. “All the tabloids are saying that the DJ is settling down, can you believe that?”

You’re trying to hide your grin as you reply. “Buying a house is now settling down? Whew, that is quite the leap. What will the public say when she gets married?”

“Do you think she’s considering marriage?” Wanda asks, biting her thumb lightly as she regards you. God, she hopes you are.

You’ve finished your food, packing it away back into its bag to be thrown away later.

You look at Wanda.

And by God, she just might be everything you’ve ever wanted.

The thought of someone else won’t even cross your mind.

If it isn’t Wanda, it just won’t do.

You brush your leg against her lightly under the table, gently smiling as you lean back on your hands a little.

The two of you are gazing into each other’s eyes, just feeling like everything is right in the world.

“I would say that now she’s found the right person, it’s a part of her plans.”

Wanda beams.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

The next two week passes by quickly, and before Wanda knows it, she’s heading over to meet up with David King at his studio bright and early.

Her stomach is exploding with butterflies as she walks in.

Wanda wishes that you could be here with her, but you were stuck doing an interview with someone for a magazine today.

David’s assistant recognizes her for today’s appointment, greeting Wanda with a friendly smile and a handshake.

She leads Wanda over into the room where David is just finishing setting up the lighting.

“Hey!” He greets as he comes in to hug her with a kiss on her cheek. “Are you ready for some collaborating today?”

Wanda nods excitedly.

“Great! Let’s talk about what you want your theme to be. Once we have that, I’ll know what other magazines to send your photos and interview to in addition to posting it on my website.”

Wanda and David sit at the table, he pours her some tea while they work together on what she wants out of this photoshoot and interview.

“I want to show my personality, that I’m not just some dumb social influencer. I won’t just rep anything, and there are brands I really care about working with. I also want to show that I have other interests as well, like...acting.”

David smiles, kindly at her. “Yes, I’ve been told you’ve secured an audition in two weeks.”

Wanda bashfully smiles and shrugs, “Not so much me who secured it, but I definitely don’t want to disappoint her.”

David snorts, “I’m pretty sure you could murder someone, and she wouldn’t be disappointed.”

Wanda just boisterously laughs because she does get that vibe from you, but that just makes it all more endearing to her that you love her so.

After they’ve settled on themes, they immediately work on taking photos as David wants to use as much natural lighting as he can. David finds that the whole process is really smooth because Wanda is someone who wants to be a part of the process, not just doing everything he tells her.

It’s much more fulfilling to work with her. He is quite happy you got him to take a chance on her.

Once they’ve taken photos, they’re both looking over them. Wanda gives her opinion on some of the selections as an amateur photographer herself, and David finds it so refreshing.

Wanda was definitely not afraid to give her opinions, ask for perspective, or ask for his reasonings.

In the next part, they work on the short essay David can post to his blog along with the photos. Additionally, he gets her to answer a few interview questions so the magazine he picks to give his photos to can use the answers she provides too.

The entire collaboration takes the whole day, so by the time they finish, the sun has just finished setting.

“It was so great to work with you, Wanda,” David gushes as he goes in to hug her again. “Seriously, I haven’t had such a great collaboration like this in a long time.”

“Oh my god, no, please. It’s such an honor to work with you,” Wanda modestly says, while she raves about him.

David just grins as her while she turns to get her things in order.

“I’m so glad your girlfriend was able to get me to meet you. I was honestly surprised by the whole thing.”

“What do you mean?” Wanda asks as she starts to pack her things back into her bag.

“Well, you know,” David says with a shake of his hand. “I actually usually have a very strict rule about not working with social media influencers. I’ve tried a couple in the past, but I found them to be incredibly vapid.”

Wanda just smiles, unsure how to answer but pleased that he obviously found her different.

“I’ve actually seen your vlogs and Instagram before, it was my boyfriend Liam who had originally discovered you months ago. Your girlfriend was over that day, and I showed her your profile. I didn’t think she would actually end up finding you, befriend you, and then end up dating you.”

It was like time slowed for Wanda.

What?

You actually had known of her beforehand?

Wanda immediately flashed back to when she first met you and invited you inside for drinks.

“What do you do for work?”

“I suppose Vision would say I’m a photographer. It’s nothing really, I post vlogs and brands pay me to represent their stuff.”

“No way! That’s seriously amazing. So, you’re kind of famous?”

But by what David said, you would’ve already known what she did and that she had a following.

Why did you lie?

Vision’s call from two weeks ago popped into her mind, and she felt like she was going to be sick to her stomach.

God, was what he said true?

“Are you okay?” David asked with worry as he looked at Wanda, who looked a little pale.

Wanda snapped out of it, turning to him with a smile.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she says, pulling her bag onto her shoulder. “Yeah, it’s crazy how things work out, isn’t it? I’ve got to head home now. Once again, thank you so much, David.”

He hushes her and sees her off.

Wanda is making a beeline, hailing for a cab.

She needs to see you.

Now.

⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷⋆⊶⊷⊶⊷⊶⊷

“This is beautiful, thank you. Please keep the change.”

You took the bouquet of flowers you just bought from a flower shop on your way home.

It was filled with all of Wanda’s favorite flowers and wrapped together nicely. You wanted to congratulate her on her big day with David. You knew once he would post it to his site and give it to whatever magazines, Wanda was going to be blowing up.

It definitely would work in her favor for her audition in two weeks.

You drove home, idly tapping on the steering wheel as you thought about what to have for a late dinner. You knew it was unlikely that Wanda could eat much today since they decided to get everything done today.

Maybe order in some pizza?

But then Wanda wanted to stay in shape as much as possible before her audition.

Maybe lemon & butter salmon?

You pull up into your driveway, turning your car off as you grab the bouquet.

“I’m home!” You call out as you walk in, but there’s no response.

The house is completely dark, which you find strange because Wanda is usually in the living room watching TV or in the kitchen when she’s waiting for you.

“Wanda?” You call out as you walk up the stairs.

You enter the bedroom.

The small lamp on the bedside is on, and you find Wanda sitting on her chair in front of the vanity mirror you got her.

You walk over to her, but she doesn’t talk to you.

“Baby?” You call softly as you kneel down before her, placing the bouquet down, touching her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

Did something happen?

Was she hurt?

David had texted you when it was over that it went great, and thanked you again for getting him to meet her.

So, what was wrong?

Wanda looks at you with a still expression. She turns her whole body to you and her jaw clenches before she releases it.

“I want to ask you something, and please tell me the truth.”

You scrunch your eyebrows together because you have no idea what she wants to ask you, but you nod.

“Did you,” Wanda breathes. “Did you know who I was before you met me?”

The stillness hits you immediately.

You regard her, taking in her desperate expression as she looks at you.

You could’ve lied.

You could tell her that David may have shown you her profile before, but you hardly cared to notice or remember it.

You could’ve told her anything, and Wanda would’ve believed it.

But...there was something else there.

So, you didn’t.

“I did,” you admitted, watching as Wanda stood up, walking over to the other side of the room with disbelief on her face.

You stood up as well, crossing your arms but making no move to her.

“Why did you lie?” Wanda asked. “Were you stalking me? Is that how you found me at the fast-food chain?”

“I wouldn’t say stalking,” you say as if she was being dramatic. “I came to California for work planned months before, you just happened to be here as well. Was I interested in you? Yes. Did I somehow know that you were going to be there to eat and live in the same community? No.”

Wanda’s mind was reeling. She couldn’t help but replay Vision’s words over and over in her head.

“Did you want me? From the very beginning?”

You couldn’t help but quirk your eyebrow. There was definitely something she was hiding from you.

“As I said, I was interested in you, but I knew you were engaged.”

“Is it true?” She asked, and you’re not even sure what she’s referring to. “That you and Vision are under the same company? That you even share a manager?”

Ah, it hits you. Now you know where this is coming from. Vision had found out what he could. But you knew Charles would never tell him that you had purposely sent him to Vision.

“Yes,” you admit once more.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Wanda asks, frustration in her tone.

You shrug your shoulders. “As I told you, I don’t often talk to my manager as I handle my own affairs. It’s not really any of my business who he decides to sign on.”

“So you didn’t deliberately get your manager to sign Vision on and make him miss my birthday?”

You paused.

Another choice.

You could lie.

It would be so easy to.

But you had to push it more.

“I did show my manager Vision’s work on SoundCloud,” you say instead. It was true, even if it wasn’t the whole truth.

Wanda understands, anyways.

Her breath hitches, and she’s putting her hands to her face.

She can’t believe this is happening.

This time, you begin to walk over to her, standing right before her.

“You’re insane,” Wanda says with a crazed laugh. “Vision’s right. You are obsessed with me. You were sabotaging him to get me! What am I to you even? Some sort of sick prize?”

Your jaw clenches a little. She’s starting to hit on your nerve a little, but you remain patient.

You close in on her, backing her until she hits the wall. You raise your arms slowly to either side of her head, giving her ample time to leave if she wanted.

But she didn’t.

“I wouldn’t say signing him onto a record label, giving him the spotlight, actually earning money for his work, which I heard he’s doing pretty well now, by the way, is sabotaging him. Here’s the thing, Wanda. Yes, I did set him up. I told my manager to sign his untalented ass on and treat him like a king on your birthday. But guess what? Vision didn’t have to stay. If he really, truly, wanted to leave, Charles couldn’t have done anything about that. No one forced him to keep taking the next drink. No one told him to not care about you.”

Wanda is silent, angry tears come up to her waterline as she stares at you with a clenched jaw.

“I’m not putting myself up on a pedestal here, but it was me that came through for you every time,” You tell Wanda. “Am I obsessed with you? Maybe. But don’t stand there and pretend that you don’t enjoy my attention. You love the fact that Lady Phantom dedicates sets to you, serenaded you, bought you $100,000 necklace in front of everyone. You love people giving you accolades that we’re together. You love that people are jealous of the fact that they’re looking at me while I’m looking at you.”

You called her out, hitting her right on the dot.

She can’t even deny it because it’s true.

But Wanda still loves you. That much is real.

“So what?” She scoffs. “It’s all fake then? Everything you did was a meticulously thought out plan to win me? Everything you did was purposely done to draw me to you?”

“There’s nothing wrong with planning,” you say to her softly. “Even if I did plan it, it doesn’t mean I don’t care. I care very much. My heart was breaking about the fact you were with someone that was dragging you behind, making you feel guilty about wanting more out of life. It broke my heart to think that you spend every year alone on Pietro’s anniversary because he didn’t try to do more for you. It made me angry to hear people snidely make comments about you when Vision didn’t show up for your birthday. I hate when you’re not in the spotlight because that’s where you deserve to be. If someone is stealing it from you, I’ll do everything I can to shift the light to you.”

Wanda had a single tear slide down her cheek. She grabs onto the ends of your jacket, desperate to feel you closer.

She has to know.

She needs to know.

“Do you even love me?” She asks softly, and it nearly breaks your heart all over.

You lift one hand to lower it to her face, cupping her jaw and neck delicately. You move your face closer to hers, giving her all the time she needs to pull away if she doesn’t want you.

”I do. So much. In a way that only you could ever understand.”

Wanda doesn’t pull away.

She never wanted to in the first place.

This was never about breaking up.

You knew that. Which is why you risked telling her the entire truth.

She wanted to know that what you had for her was real, that she could never be replaced.

That you were hers.

You press your lips to her firmly, your tongue swiping her bottom lip as she moans softly.

She pulls you closer to her, pressing your body to hers completely as she melts into you. She lifts her arms, wrapping them around your neck as she continues to kiss you.

You push off the wall, redirecting her to your shared bed as you topple on top of her with a knee in between her legs.

You pull back softly, your hand drifting underneath her shirt as you caress the soft skin there.

Her eyes open slowly, and she just looks electric to you.

“I love you,” she says quietly, and you can’t help but press another soft kiss to her as your hand lowers into her panties.

“You secretly love it, don’t you? What I do to you.” You say against her jaw, and it’s a little muffled.

Wanda’s breath hitches, chest rising as you touch her just the right way against her clit, rubbing through her wet folds.

She nods, but you want to hear it.

“I want to hear you say it, baby,” you huskily say as you tease her. Your other hand is around the back of her neck, just grasping at her hair.

Wanda’s moaning shamelessly as you circle her clit again, diving lower as your fingers tease her entrance. God, it feels so slippery.

Fuck, she really wants your fingers in her. The knotting in her stomach gets even worse when you nibble her collarbone.

But she knows you won’t give it to her until she gives you what you want.

“I love it,” Wanda moans. “I love the way you drive me crazy.”

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perfectirishgifts · 3 years

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Sunday Conversation: Fleet Foxes On Making ‘Shore,’ Being Backstage With Paul McCartney And Neil Young And More

New Post has been published on https://perfectirishgifts.com/sunday-conversation-fleet-foxes-on-making-shore-being-backstage-with-paul-mccartney-and-neil-young-and-more/

Sunday Conversation: Fleet Foxes On Making ‘Shore,’ Being Backstage With Paul McCartney And Neil Young And More

NEWPORT, RHODE ISLAND – JULY 28: Robin Noel Pecknold of the Fleet Foxes performs during “If I Had A … [] Song”, closing the 60th annual Newport Folk Festival 2019 at Fort Adams State Park on July 28, 2019 in Newport, Rhode Island. (Photo by Douglas Mason/WireImage)

In September Fleet Foxes released their fourth album, Shore. The collection, a surprise announced just the day before its September 22 release, is a sterling 15-track package of songs that has ended up on numerous best of year-end lists.

I spoke with Fleet Foxes mastermind Robin Pecknold who told me the album was begun pre COVID, then finished in isolation during the pandemic. And in terms of the surprise release, Pecknold admits he was partially inspired by Taylor Swift’s Folklore.

During the course of our very engaging conversation Pecknold took me through the making of the album, what it was like to be in a conversation with Neil Young and Paul McCartney and how his songs have changed over the years.

Steve Baltin: How is it in New York City now?

Robin Pecknold: It’s alright, it’s getting a little colder, which is feeling good. They’re installing permanent outdoor dining in all the restaurants so it feels a bit like a permanent music festival, lot of tents everywhere. But it’s been good all things considered.

Baltin: How long have you lived in New York?

Pecknold: I’ve been here on and off for like six years or so.

Baltin: Where was Shore written?

Pecknold: Some stuff in Portugal, I took a couple weeks and went to Portugal, and then mostly in my apartment in New York.

Baltin: I am always a big believer in how environment affects writing. So does the stuff you wrote in Portugal feel different to you then the stuff written in New York?

Pecknold: I can’t say it was actually entirely written in New York, but I did kind of write some stuff in Portugal. We were working in a studio in France where I ended up writing some stuff. And then worked in a studio in L.A. where I was writing a lot. And, like you were saying, I had the thought maybe at some point to make my own little studio space to work in, but then I also love variety and I think variety is super important to how a record turns out. And I wouldn’’t want to feel obligated to only work in one space I guess, as I spend a bunch of money setting it up for that reason, but maybe someday. I think, for writing chord progressions and stuff that can happen anywhere, and a lot of that I just did in my bedroom. But then writing songs, it’s good to buy a new guitar or go to some place in the woods, or whatever it is, to kind of get out of the routine mind set.

Baltin: For you this is a very global album, what was the time spent that it was written and recorded then? I am assuming it predates COVID then?

Pecknold: It does definitely predate COVID. I started working on this right at the end of the Crack Up tour. September 2018 I started writing songs for this kind of knowing that it can take me a while to write stuff and I wanted to have something out within three years of that album, even though we did a two-year tour. So I had to kind of just keep going after that was done. Um, and so most of the music was done by February of 2020, but I didn’t have any lyrics written and there were a couple gaps in the track listing. It totally pre-dates COVID. I was kind of confused about how to finish it once the pandemic hit, when and how it should come out, or if I should even put the time and money into finishing it at all, but I’m glad that it came together like how it did.

Baltin: So at what point did you make the decision to put it out? Why a surprise release.

Pecknold: It was sometime in June or July, cause the big bottleneck was having lyrics to record and I didn’t have any. And that was just like, “Who knows when these will happen, this could take until the end of fall. This could drag on forever if I can’t get these lyrics done.” But then they just kind of started happening in a way I wasn’t really expecting in June. Once that happened I was like, “Okay great, I have all these lyrics I can record, so I can actually finish this damn album now.” Then in July I had to start thinking about that ‘when it’s going to come out’ and I think a few days before that Taylor Swift album came out and I was like “I just want to put it out a couple weeks after it’s done. If I have to do that on Bandcamp so be it.” And then, that happened and that emboldened me to do that because, she’s obviously much more successful, but someone else publicly releasing music was thinking along those same lines just that this uncertainty will continue for who knows how long. So it was kind of in July that the September release plan came together. And tying it to the equinox felt really good cause it was on a Tuesday. Albums used to come out on Tuesday and I used to love that. And that felt like tying it to something that didn’t have anything to do with politics or with the stresses of 2020, the societal stresses. It’s a gamble, who knows if that was the best idea in the long run but it’s worth it to me to just have it off my mental plate.

Baltin: Was there a turning point where you started to feel like the songs were coming in a direction for you or the lyrics started to manifest themselves?

Pecknold: Yeah, like I said, I went right into making this album right after the last tour and so that was two years of touring. I guess there is some stuff people write about, exhaustion on tour or make albums about that. I didn’t have like a big break up I wanted to write about. I was just kind of making music or thinking about music for like four years straight. So I didn’t feel like I had a lot to write about before the pandemic. But then having this like three-month forced reflection time when there’s this long overdue emphasis on social justice and systemic injustice and class consciousness that was not being paid enough attention to the last few years. And just feeling grateful to have a roof over my head and to not know anyone who’s passed but also feeling an impetus to keep the memory of the dead alive in some way musically and lyrically. I guess all of the lyrical ideas I found for the album were totally just resultant from lock down and the pandemic, and without that I wouldn’t have had anything to really write about.

Baltin: Writing is such a subconscious thing, so we’re there lyrics that when you go back and look at them that really kind of surprised you?

Pecknold: Yeah, I think there is a lyric in the song “Featherweight” that talks about making life harder for yourself, something I would have definitely done in the past, out of success coming too easy, or stuff like that. I would seek out hardship where I found it just to kind of temper the good luck I’ve had. And so, I wasn’t intending to write a song about that, but the lyric kind of came out, “In all this war I’d forgotten how many men might die for what I’d renounce.” That lyric just flowed perfectly with the melody and rhymed perfectly and it was just the first lyric that came out of nowhere and then kind of set the tone for the rest of it.

Baltin: As you get older, I think for everyone, you get more comfortable with yourself. So do you feel like that’s allowed you to get a little more comfortable with the idea of success or the fact that you’ve had the success?

Pecknold: I’m super lucky to be able to make music for a living still. I’m not set for life by any means. I want to continue working and doing exciting things and I intend to keep that energy going. As far as shirking success I can see both sides of that where you would say, “Yeah this is uncomfortable.” I’m super lucky I’m not so well known that I can’t go outside in some fame prison, that seems difficult in some ways. But also those people have all the resources in the world and can mitigate that however they want. I don’t have that experience, I’m pretty anonymous. I’m not like embracing success or chasing it but something feels kind of gross about renouncing it or when it’s a really rare opportunity and a lot of people would kill to be in a position to be able to do that.

Baltin: A lot of people who would kill to be in that position have no idea what it comes with. Is there one artist that you look to as having sort of the role model career, the definitive career of that balance of fame and success and everything?

Pecknold: My answer for this, Charles Ives (laughs). Which is kind of a pretentious answer, but he was an insurance broker and a well respected one, and he won awards in the business and that security allowed him to make this insane innovative classical music, kind of in his spare time, a little bit. I think Charles Ives is my weird answer to that.

Baltin: That’s a great answer. I don’t know who he is. Now I’m curious to go check him out.

Pecknold: He’s experimental and Americana type classical music from a long time ago.

Baltin: My answer is Tom Waits. He can go tour whenever he wants, he’s set from royalties presumably, he’s always got a following. But he can go into the market and no one knows who he is other than you and me and music geeks.

Pecknold: That is the absolute dream. And his success with Anti Records is one of many reasons that we wanted to put out the album with them. He’s actually not that different from Charles Ives in my opinion as someone who is kind of taking American tropes and twisting them and making them their own. 1699

Baltin: Are there songs of yours where you go back and they change for you over time? Are there songs of yours that you have the different appreciation for that have changed over the years?

Pecknold: Yeah definitely. As a lyricist I always start with the melody first. I always want to work as much meaning as I can. I want it to be as coherent as a story or as whatever the lyric is. It’s always the melody first. It can be the kind of thing where one word pops out and then the words that rhyme with that word kind of dictate almost how the lyric flows. So sometimes when I am writing lyrics, I don’t feel that in control because I feel like I have so many restrictions on how it needs to be. And I will look back and be like, “Damn that guy, he was really searching or he was really confused,” in a way that I wasn’t really conscious of in the moment writing it. I think there was song on the Crack-Up album called “Cassius” that was really about walking in protest, but I didn’t know how much I could claim that so it was a little bit imagistic. I felt uncomfortable owning it for some reason, because of who I am. I didn’t want to feel appropriative of the moment. And all of that album, all the lyrics for that were written on November/December 2016 and now were four years up from that. So there is a lot of despair in that album that I have to associate with that winter, that fall.

Baltin: I like the way that you put it, where you’re talking about it, and you’re like, that guy. When you go back and look at stuff, do you feel like it almost is coming from someone else, because it’s subconscious?

Pecknold: Oh, absolutely. There are things that remain, like a work ethic or a set of standards or certain kinds of tastes, but the subconscious stuff that’s happening with lyrics, that was someone else’s work entirely. There is a whole different set of behind the scenes factors going on now verses then. In that Dylan interview where he is like I can’t access that anymore, the guy that wrote those songs, in that 60 Minutes interview. You just hope that whatever you do have access to remains exciting to you I guess. But yeah, I don’t feel like the same person that made those early albums at all.

Baltin: We talked early on about dealing with success and the different feelings that come with that. Are there artists that you’ve gotten to speak to or that you look to that you really admire for the way that they, or the advice that they’ve given you for how to sort of handle that double edge sword?

Pecknold: I guess I have some contemporaries, like the guys in Grizzly Bear or Dirty Projectors, we’ll kind of talk shop about how our “careers” are going or like what we wanna do, or touring, or recording. We’ll of talk shop every once in a while and check in with each other and that’s kind of helpful I think. There was one festival, this was 10 years ago, where I found myself speaking with Neil Young and Paul McCartney. This was the weirdest triangle of people I’ve obviously ever been in. I said literally nothing. I was just shocked at being in that position of standing next to those two guys, and they were talking about something. And then Paul McCartney was like “Oh hey, great album, keep Fleeting.”He just mentioned it in this cheeky kind of Paul McCartney way I think, just this little pun. But I have thought over the years at times of difficulty, I’ve thought, “Keep Fleeting.” In this kind of like way of if, Paul told me to keep fleeting, I must keep fleeting. So that’s as a weirdly minor event, that he probably doesn’t even remember saying it, but you know, those things have deeper resonance than someone intends.

Baltin: Now being older, having more experience in the industry, what would you ask Paul McCartney and Neil Young hanging out with both of them if you felt more comfortable to contribute to the conversation?

Pecknold: I would just ask how they got through certain phases of their career where they were finding some new thing they wanted to do, but they were a couple years off of their biggest albums. How were they keeping excited and what else was on their mind. I guess I would ask those kinds of questions about that as I am kind of moving into that phase a little bit myself, you know, doing this for 10 or 12 years now. I totally agree that you should never lose your fandom and i think it’s almost better just to be guileless enough to be like, “Hey, I’m a big fan, I love your music.” Rather than try to be kind of like, Yeah, we’re peers. Or to ingratiate yourself with someone because you want something from them, that always feels gross to me, and I try to avoid that as much as possible.

More from Arts in Perfectirishgifts

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thedankfaerie · 4 years

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i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you.

and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself.

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time.

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive.

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’.

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once!

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately.

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class.

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point.

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore.

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us.

someone please help me.

#help #lol

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kyloren · 6 years

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Mileven post-S2 fanfiction recommendation list: PART IV

This is a continuation of my ever-growing Mileven Fanfiction Rec List (see instalments I, II, and III). If your fanfic isn’t featured, apologies. Message me and we’ll amend that grievance in the next rec list instalment.

* marks the ongoing stories.

canon:

interludes by veausy: “They stood like that, dimly lit by the hallway lamp, until Hopper cleared his throat. “Mike,” she breathed.”

+ its sequel: idylls by veausy: ““You should get a Mike,” El offered. Didn’t everyone have one?”

snowbound by hannahberrie: “When El invites Mike to spend the day at the cabin, Hopper finds himself supervising a sleepover he didn’t sign up for.”

.. ._.. ___ …_ . _.__ ___ .._ (i love you) by AriaCessair: “El wants to learn about kisses, but the end result is much more than she expected.”

anything short of a miracle by youheldyourbreath: “Mike has spent the last year in abject agony over losing Eleven. And then, he gets her back.”

the 436 kiss by youheldyourbreath: “Mike and El have 435 kisses that are short, sweet and perfunctory. Kiss 436 is not that kind of embrace.”

we were just kids when by DarkBeauty_890: “Hopper arches a brow, giving Mike a once over. He sucks in another puff of his cigarette, before stubbing it out and scratching his nose, “Elle’s not here. She and Red went out to go see a movie about an hour ago.” Mike clears his throat and doesn’t break their locked gaze, “I’m actually here because I wanted to talk to you.””

the invasion* by ValBirch: “Hawkins, 1985. On the day of her first birthday in Hawkins, El starts having nosebleeds, even when she’s not using her powers. That night, Will’s nightmares return, but they’re different this time. Everything is different this time.”

winter, spring, summer, fall* by returntosaturn: “A collection of first experiences for El during her first year in Hawkins, outside of the lab.”

radio static* by Archer of Ecclesia : ““Mike,” El had scarcely noticed her seizure of the radio. Garble filled her ears. Her grip around the radio tightened as she quickly switched it off, breathing shallowly. She almost threw the device across the room when the garble continued, and worsened, more severe than ever. Or, a new creature lurks in Hawkins, Indiana, this time, closer to home than ever.”

to find you again* by MuffinLove03: “Finding her was only the beginning. In a town still vulnerable to inter-dimensional threats and sketchy government agents, it's going to take a lot to keep her safe and bring her home. But he was prepared to do whatever it took. He promised.”

the artemis institute* by Arnarkusaga: “Starting from the night the gate was closed and detailing the events that follow, including unexpected doings at the Hawkin’s Lab, and a mysterious underground resistance movement.”

kissing cousins by pathvain_aelien: “Mr. Clarke at the Snow Ball.”

+ its sequel: eleven’s story* by pathvain_aelien.

snowed in by luxuriousvoyage11: “A bad snow storm makes for an unexpected sleepover at the Byers.”

only this by Val_Creative: “Eleven and Mike and their relationship through Hopper’s eyes.”

a ghostly encounter* by PlaidDino: “The boys (and Max) go Trick-Or-Treating on Halloween, but these Ghostbusters find themselves being followed by someone in a ghost costume.”

the best night of your life by wheezy: “Her lips are parted in an almost smile and Mike sends a prayer he won’t have to wait 353 days to kiss them ever again.”

funny business by rainingcatsandkisses: ““On one condition” Hopper had said when El had asked if Mike could walk her home instead. “You come straight home. I’ll be waiting at the turn by Pinewood. And,” he’d added darkly, staring at Mike, “No funny business from you, Mr. Wheeler. I will know.””

i think we’re alone now by cali-chan (girls_are_weird): ““Listen, I’m no t supposed to leave you two alone here. Hopper will have my head if he finds out, so just… behave, okay?””

day two hundred and five by Someone_else_before: “In which Mike has a birthday, El has a daydream, and Hopper says, “Soon.””

eleven, mike, and the flu by loti_miko: “She quickly put the blindfold over her eyes, her surroundings going dark, and in an instant she was at Mike’s. He had his eyes closed; his cheeks flushed bright pink, a colour quite distinguishable even in the darkness of The Void.”

el byers and the secret crush by Someone_else_before: “Eleven moves in with the Byers’, learns to adapt to ordinary Hawkins life, and tries to figure out why Mike has been acting so oddly since their kiss in the cafeteria.” [post S1]

+ its sequel: dustin henderson and the secret crush by Someone_else_before: “Dustin is head over heels for a girl in his class, and he asks Eleven to use her powers to help him in his quest to win her over.”

stay in the dark by ceruleanstorm: “Mike’s waited 23 days to see Eleven again after she saved the damn world. But there’s a big reason El isn’t as excited to see him.”

pretty scary, pretty good by nonoma: “His girl’s going to be the scariest girl at Hawkins High.”

behind enemy lines by therealfarklenation: “He was stepping behind enemy lines, praying he wouldn’t get caught. She welcomed the risk with opened arms, praying that he wouldn’t stop.”

the first summer* by Kiddo7: “It’s the gang’s first summer all together, and Mike can’t wait to show El all that it has to offer.”

prepping for high school* by DarknessFallsLikeFeathers: “Mike is excited to be able to go see El at the cabin and help her with her studies. However, summer break is around the corner and a new challenge shows up on their doorstep.” [I, personally, am on the fence about how I feel about this fic: it’s interesting, but it also is featuring an OC quite prominently, so…*shrugs* take that as you will.]

green-eyed eleven by Brown Eyes Parker: “Eleven experiences her first bout of jealousy when a new girl moves to town.” [from a post-S2 hindsight, this is really funny. it’s funny cause it’s true.]

not knowing what it was by 27vampyresinhermind: “We were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was.”

you feel it too* by Maiasaura: “Mike and Eleven were more alike than they knew. Mike had been broken for years, and Eleven broken her whole life. The events of November, 1983 only fully destroyed them both, and a year apart only further drove the wedge.” [beware: this one is super depressing. like, all the content warnings apply.]

alternative universe:

roller coaster day by SmoothFluffle: “She was beginning to doubt herself as she listened to the anxious boy in a cap list the most atrocious accidents that happened to people while being on the metal ride. Suddenly, she wondered if this roller coaster thing was such a good idea.” No Supernatural AU.

cigarettes, eggos, and the secrets between us* by salavibes: “Popular, high-school bad-boy, Mike Wheeler finds himself falling for the shy and nerdy new girl who’s hiding a deep secret. Will they ever set aside their strikingly different personalities and pursue a relationship? Also what happens when they begin to both change each other in ways they never expected?” bad-boy!Mike AU.

crossover:

may the force be with you* by serendipitous_rambles: “El has always dreamt of seeing the galaxy but simply can’t leave Tatooine. But she has powers she doesn’t even know she has. Yet plans have been discovered of a Death Star that could result in the deaths of millions. Along the way she meets a smuggler called Mike, and some trusty resistance pilots Will and Lucas, along with their engineering best friend Dustin (who just can’t get his droid Steve to shut up). An adventure in a galaxy far far away with rebellion, hope (and a disgruntled old Jedi Hopper).” Stranger Things x Star Wars AU.

the second coming* by TheDevotchka: “In 1983, the so-called ‘Loser’s Club’ defeated It, a monster who had plagued the town of Derry for millennia. In 1984, the new Librarian of the Hawkins Public Library makes a series of phone-calls after the suspicious and unpleasantly familiar disappearances of three children. Seasoned monster hunters, the Loser’s Club teams up with another group of unlikely heroes — Mike, Dustin, Lucas, and Will.” Stranger Things x It Crossover. [okay, so I lied. This one isn’t really Mileven…so far.]

+ bonus: Wherein Mileven are not quite Pure™:

sex ed by Phantasmoplast: “El hears a new word for the first time, and decides to ask Mike what it means.”

+ its smutty outtakes: sex ed chapter 5: shower and sex ed chapter 8: homework.

dessert by wynniethecat: “When El teases Mike under the dinner table, he decides he needs to teach her a lesson about proper table etiquette.”

+ you know, if you want aged-up!Mileven smut, just go check out wynniethecat’s profile. She has tons of it.

+ bonus 2: Wherein The Party is prominently featured:

you fight like a baby(sitter) by nicefacepotter: “With his reputation ruined, Steve’s main source of social interaction is a group of middle schoolers. Now that group of nerds wanted him in their D&D campaign. What did he get himself into?”

in the aftermath it is quiet (as we wait for everything to begin again) by Dontfloatthe100: ““So,” Steve says as he scrapes the last of the eggs off his plate, “you must be Eleven.” El nods as she finishes up her own. “Hmm. I thought you would be taller.””

fun with jim and jane* by clarabelle: ““Mouth breather, huh? Another new word you picked up?” “No,” El says, and she sounds almost wistful. Probably thinking about that Wheeler kid again.”

time and time again by sporadicallyceaseless: “Five times Chief Hopper gets called into the school because his kid is a goddamn menace.”

20 questions by liadan14: “A few questions Eleven asked before she turned eighteen, and one she didn’t.”

+ its sequel: just can’t face myself alone again by liadan14: “Dustin and his friends grow up in fits and starts. These are a few of them.”

don’t lock her in by SmoothFluffle: “El gets locked in inside a school closet.”

imma gonna be making these till i’m old and grey, aren’t i?

UPDATE: part V is out.

#mileven #mileven fanfiction #mileven fanfiction recommendation list #mileven fanfiction recommendation #character: mike wheeler #character: eleven #pairing: mike x eleven #tv: stranger things #fanfiction recommendations #in this tag resides fanfiction #♔: victrix #*

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deliverydefresas · 6 years

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masters of the scene

I know this is super shocking bc this is probs the soonest (?) ive posted between parts lmao

I did want to hurry things up before saturday, tho, so here we have it, friendsss. if you’ve missed a part:

1 | 2 | 3 | 4

AU: Matteo Balsano is a famous singer who has been crushing on this one girl he saw every day behind a window many years ago, back when he first started recording his debut album and inspired his first big hit, “Princesa”. Luna Valente, professional Olympic skater turned actress is at a local (and very popular) talk show to promote her breakout movie. This is where it all starts.

BREAKING: OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALLIST SAYS GOODBYE TO SKATING

SOL BENSON, 24, recently known for her role as skating legend Marissa Mint in “SHATTERED WINGS”, announced this morning she wouldn’t return to training, or to any competition as a participant again. The announcement was posted on all her social media accounts, reading: “I can proudly say it’s time. Today, a new chapter in my life begins. I’m officially retiring from professional skating.”

Benson also took the chance to thanks her fans, saying: “The last ten years have been an unforgettable experience. A lifetime wouldn’t be enough to thank everyone who has been by my side helping, supporting, and cheering on me on this journey. I’ve done everything I could and wanted, and I hope you’re all as proud of me as I am of myself and the accomplishments we’ve done. I love you all very much.” The now ex-skater didn’t specify why she was leaving, but she affirmed it wasn’t anything but a personal choice: “I know many of you are shocked, or confused as to why I’m doing this now, that’s the reason I want to point out it’s not because of my health or a change of careers, as I know some might be thinking. Simply, this is me acknowledging my heart’s desires.”

Opinions and critics were instantaneous from the fans.

@ Sol_Benson: Thank you. pic.tw.com/3747829

@ solnation: @ Sol_Benson please tell me this is an early april fools joke I’m crying

@ sol_fan73937: @ Sol_Benson THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT, THIS IS NOT WHAT I PLANNED, AND I JUST WANT TO SAY I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

@ SolMiReina56: @ Sol_Benson on one hand I’m happy you’re doing this in your terms but on the other I just want to scream whAT THE FORK BENSON

Benson’s famous friends, however, showed nothing but support for her.

@ Simon_RB: today the sun goes down and the moon rises! So proud of you @ Sol_Benson

@ JimM: Working with you, one of the greatest skaters of our time, was a privilege. Being your friend, and share all these memories, is an honor. Your talent will shine bright like your soul no matter what ♥ @ Sol_Benson

@ TheAmbarSmith: An absolute star. @ Sol_Benson

The news broke amid rumors of the skating star dating Italian heartthrob, Matteo Balsano, leading some fans and theorist that her new relationship was linked to her decision.

@ SolecitoDeMadrugada: I don’t wanna start sh*t here, folks, but Sol said she’s acknowledging ‘her heart’s desires’…. What if Balsano convinced her to quit????

@ SolBonita: If Matteo Balsano had anything to do with this I will cut that bitch in half just sayin’

@ soltteoforever: omg what if sol quit to form a duet with matteo???!!! #relationshipgoals

@ elbalsanito: if y’all really think MATTEO BALSANO would make his two minute long girlfriend quit her career for him y’all are batsh*t crazy don’t even look at me

So far Benson and her team have offered no comment to the critics, choosing silence over explanations, and only time will tell what she’s planned for herself next.

Is this really her end in skating? Will she approach a musical career with her beau? For more Sol Benson, click here!

He was a coward.

And an idiot.

An idiotic coward, really, because he hung up on her as fast as his brain and hand could do it. He could’ve lied, told her it was only a guessing. Or he could’ve come clean about his stalker-ish ways and freak her out. Or come clean and skip the stalker-ish ways. But, no, he’d hung up and now when she saw him she’d demand an explanation and probably give him crap for hanging up on her and then creating a lame excuse as to why.

Because so far, he could only come up with his phone dying in that exact moment and him forgetting to call her back. For two weeks.

Again, an idiotic coward he was.

“Are you listening to me, Matteo?” he’d been lost in his thoughts again, unsurprisingly. It was something he’d been repeating lately, and usually blamed it on him ‘mentally’ writing his songs. Sometimes, it was the truth; but most of the time it was an excuse to get Gastón and his mom off his back. Today was Delfi’s turn at enduring this lost lapse. “Matteo! This is a serious matter, you dick!” he’d laugh at the insult if it weren’t for her aggravated look. He was used to the annoyed, yet knowing look of his friend and his birther, but Delfi looked nothing but stressed. “Can you focus on what I’m telling you?”

Matteo threw her an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Delfi. I was just-”

“I don’t even want to hear it! I just need to listen to me and tell me what the fuck is happening between you and Sol Benson!” Well, shit. She was even cursing now.

“What do you mean?” he asked, genuinely confused now. Delfi knew better than anyone that he wasn’t dating, and even if he was, she never cared about it before. His manager sighed exasperated, throwing a newspaper across the table, pointing to him to read it.

The sole headline was enough to make his blood run cold.

“Read it till the end.”

“She’s retiring?” Matteo couldn’t believe it. A million questions came to his head as he read the article, ‘why’ being the loudest. “I just- what?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t care about her, Matteo.” She sighed again, passing her fingers through her head. “What I do care about is that they’re mentioning you as the responsible.” Delfi raised her hand when he opened his mouth to protest. “I know you aren’t. And I’d like to think a woman like her is strong enough to not let an idiot like you convince her to give up her career. However, this is bad because you’ll be crossed as a chauvinistic pig, and could seriously hurt the image the older fans have of you. We need to counterattack, fast, and I need you to tell me just exactly how close you are to Sol.”

“What for?” He was getting defensive, and Delfi could tell so, too. She softened her look.

“This is not about you being a heartthrob, Matt. This is about people judging you wrongly-”

“Are you listening to yourself? They already judge me wrongly!” Delfi pursed her lips.

“Okay, bad wording. Still, we can’t let them think you’re that kind of person either.”

“Can’t you talk to Gastón about it? Maybe he can-”

“We agreed to break the contract with most of the magazines and the heartthrob stories, but you can’t just sue someone for linking you as someone’s boyfriend. If this was an article solely about you, we could make an agreement with them but since it’s about her-”

Matteo frowned. “Can’t you talk about it with her team? You said you knew them, maybe you can work on something together-” Now she looked offended.

“What do you think I’m doing? This is why I citied you here, we’re meeting them in ten minutes to discuss it! And first I needed your stupid ass to explain your situation to me so we could have some ground but all you’ve done is daydream about God knows what!”

“Wait, what?!” he looked down at his sweatpants, and the semi-sweated t-shirt he’d worn to go to gym before the meeting, and he just knew his hair was a dishevel mess. He hadn’t even bothered with his contacts, so his glasses were stuck on his head unless he wanted to be as blind as a mole. He’d thought he’d only be meeting Delfi, and now- “she’s not coming, is she?”

“Who is ‘she’?” Delfi air-quoted, not getting why he was getting freaked out.

“Luna – Sol, she isn’t coming, right?”

Delfi scoffed. “Of course, she is! This is all about her, why wouldn’t she be here?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he almost whined, jumping out of his chair to get his gym bag, and spray the shit out of his deodorant on his body. He didn’t have any hair gel, so his hair had to stay the same. He was really regretting not taking the time to fully showering before coming.

“Oh, so now you care about how you look at meetings?” He didn’t answer her, still busy with his gym bag. He was sure he had mints buried somewhere. “I take that you like this girl?” Matteo said nothing, but nodded the slightest. “I know the rumors aren’t true right now, but I really need you to tell me if you think they will. The earliest Gastón and I can come up with counterattacks to protect your privacy and hers, the better. Especially since her contract with her team will drop soon.” Delfi asked, her tone a lot softer and less teasing. She’d taken his wishes seriously, and he was very grateful about it. He was in good hands if shit ever hit the fan.

Matteo dropped his bag, and sighed a quiet ‘yes’. And then turned to her, louder this time, “I don’t want anything hurtful, insulting or degrading to be said about her. The less she’s mentioned, the better. If it means we must re-sign with them, and have them write me off as a playboy, then so be it. But not a bad word about her, Delfi.”

She smiled, her words comforting him a little. “If it’s in my hands both of you will be protected. Now, go tame your hair before your little star runs away from seeing it and turns into stone, medusa-boy.”

She was this close to picking up her phone.

The urge of checking her phone was eating her up but Luna was trying her best to avoid any type of interaction with social media in the last two nights, but it was proving to be harder than she imagined. After the news were out in the open she’d turned everything off; her phone, laptop, and tablet, burying them deep in one of Nina’s photography drawers so she wouldn’t be tempted to read her fan’s comments, or the articles magazines and newspapers were publishing on the web.

When her team called her early in the morning for a meeting, though, she knew something else had happened. They’d already discussed everything related to her retirement, and weren’t meant for another meeting for another three weeks, when she’d sign the remaining papers to break most of her commitments and contracts, with only the bigger ones left until she could find another lawyer outside of her management. Not that she didn’t trust them, but Mariano was more a “making business only” instead of “breaking business” type of lawyer.

“Still no news from Tamara?” She asked Nina beside her. Nina shook her head.

“She said she’d be meeting us there, to ask for Alzamendi and to not talk until Mariano and she were present.”

“Alzamendi?” She repeated, “does that sound familiar to you?”

“I think I might have an idea.” Nina admitted. Luna looked expectantly at her, urging her to tell her. “Pedro’s girlfriend, Delfina Alzamendi, is a head manager here.”

She frowned. “But she’s in the entertainment business, not in sports. Why would she cite us here?” Her eyes widened, “you don’t think…”

Nina shook her head rapidly. “No, no, no. Tamara’s better than that, she knows you don’t want to enter acting, she wouldn’t do that to you. I was thinking more that maybe one of Delfina’s clients could be involved.”

“But why would Ámbar contact me vía my manager? She has our house number, and Simón’s and yours.” Nina looked at her funny, confusing her. “What?”

“I’m not talking about Ámbar, L. I think this is about Matteo.”

His name made her scowl. She still hadn’t forgiven him for hanging up on her without an explanation, or a goodbye, and the guy had sent her to voice mail after she tried calling him back.

“He has my number too.” Not that he cared to use it again. Boys were stupid.

By now Nina looked amused, but grimaced after a moment. “You haven’t seen it, have you?”

“Seen what?”

Nina took her phone out of her purse, typed in her code and opened her phone’s browser. She was about to protest when she saw her type ‘sol benson matteo balsano’, but was quietened when Nina clicked on an article about Matteo being the reason she was retiring from skating.

“This. It started the morning you posted the news on Twitter and a fan replied saying you meant Matteo when you said you were following your heart. I think that’s why Delfina wants to talk to you and Tamara, because Matteo wasn’t left in the best position. People are crossing him as a controlling chauvinist.”

Luna was feeling dizzy. She had meant for the news to affect her only, but now she was dragging Matteo too. “People are saying this?”

“Mostly your fans, and uninvited activists, but yes.”

“He must hate me now, Nina.” She groaned, hiding her face with her hands. By now they were almost by the entrance desk, and a few of the people there stared her way.

“He couldn’t even if he tried, Luna, don’t worry.” Her friend cooed, squeezing her hand in comfort.

“His manager contacted mine, Nina. People don’t do that unless they’re strangers or you hate the other person.”

“I think you’re exaggerating a bit.”

“He at least has to be mad. If anyone said I’m the reason they’re quitting their career I’d be too.”

“Maybe, but not mad at you. The people saying this are mostly gossipers and fans you have no control over, Luna, don’t worry.” She nodded a couple times, trying to calm herself and the unnecessary guilt she was feeling in that moment.

When she finally felt calm enough, she dragged her feet to the lady behind the desk, asking her politely where she was supposed to go. The lady’s eyes shone with recognition, before asking her who she was meeting with; as soon as she said ‘Alzamendi’, the woman’s grin could have rivaled the Cheshire cat.

“Miss Alzamendi and Mr. Balsano are waiting in room 7. Go straight that hallway and turn left on the first corner, it should be easy to spot it, the numbers are big enough; they’re still waiting for Mr. Périda, and your team, though. Is there anything I can get you both to drink? We have black coffee – black, decaf, with milk, vanilla latte and moka, tea – chamomile, green, lemon ginger and berry sangria, hot chocolate – sweet, bitter, Spanish, Mexican, white and raw, lemonades – strawberry, mango and mint, sodas-”

Luna blinked a couple times, surprised that a) they had so many options and b) they made their receptionist learn all of them.

“Uh, do you have water?” Nina asked, interrupting the woman before she went on to list all their available sodas. The receptionist shut up immediately, pursing her lips at Nina for a second before nodding, then she looked at her, expectantly.

“A Mexican hot chocolate would be nice, thank you.”

“Anything to eat? We have a couple of restaurants delivered to us, if you’re hungry.” Before she could refuse, Tamara’s voice was heard behind them.

“Luna!” She smiled politely at her manager, nodding in greeting to Mariano. “I’ll have a latte and the sir will have black coffee, no sugar, please.” The older woman addressed the receptionist, who simply wrote it down on a little notepad. Tamara didn’t bother to thank her before she was dragging Luna – and Nina, who was grabbing her hand- towards the hallway the lady had pointed out before. “Okay, so; Matteo Balsano’s manager called me yesterday and requested to have a meeting as soon as we possibly could, that’s why I called you last minute, sorry. Are you aware of the rumors going around of you two?” Luna begrudgingly nodded, “good, I don’t have to explain it, then. Alzamendi didn’t specify why she was requesting us, but my bet is on the news hurting Balsano’s image of the perfect guy.”

“That’s what Nina told me, too.” Tamara’s eyes flickered to Nina’s.

“Good.” That’s all she said before going back to explaining. “More likely than not, they’re pissed. It could be the boy, it could be his manager, it could be the label. Or a mix of all. We already broke all magazine deals, so there’s not much we can offer to clean his name. We’re betting on his team acting up and choosing to clean it up themselves, while praying they don’t leave you dirty at all. Mariano can make up an agreement with his lawyer to even out and make it fair for both.”

“Do you think Matteo’s capable of going as far as dirtying up Luna’s name?” She could tell Nina was worried, and already feeling protective of her. Tamara shook her head.

“He doesn’t strike me as the type, but we need to be prepared for the worst-case scenario.” She told them honestly, finally stopped walking in front of a door. Before they entered, though, she looked at Luna straight on. “Listen, munchkin, when you enter that door you need to forget whatever relationship you have with the guy.” She was about to protest, but Tamara shook her head. “Just until we know where we stand. And who we stand against, okay?” She merely nodded. “Good. Are we ready?”

Matteo was sure those had been the longest – yet quickest, because he spent most of them rushing to make himself more presentable- ten minutes of his life.

The door opened, and the corner of his mouth went up at the knowing he’d see her in seconds. When she didn’t acknowledge him, the smile fell. When she sat down on one of the chairs and kept her eyes on the table, he frowned.

Was she mad at him, at the situation they were in? Was she sad? What if it hadn’t been her decision? Could that be why she looked so… not herself?

He was about to go to her when Delfi stopped him. Matteo looked at her, questioning why she’d done it, but she sent him a look that said ‘quiet’.

“Delfina,” the woman – who was part of Luna’s team, if his guess was correct- greeted his manager, a tight smile on her face. Then she turned to him. “Mr. Balsano, nice to meet you.”

Delfi sent her a polite smile. “Tamara, Mariano, it’s always nice to see you again.” He could’ve sworn he heard the man say, ‘is it?’ under his breath. “Miss Benson, Miss Simonetti, long time no see.” Wait, she knew them?

Luna looked up from the table, throwing a quick ‘hello’ to her; her eyes flickering for the shortest time to his face, before turning down again. His frown deepened as Nina’s friend answered Delfi’s greeting, more enthusiast. “Hi, Delfi, it’s good to see you again, too. I wish it were under, uh, better circumstances, though.”

He could tell Delfina was amused at her words, if her mouth twitch was any indication. “Straight to the point, huh? Sadly, we’re waiting for Matteo’s lawyer to get here first.”

“Why isn’t he here yet?” the man asked rudely, disdain clear as water on his face. Matteo felt attacked by his tone, and jumped at Gaston’s defense.

“I’m not his only client, sorry not all of us can afford to have a clear schedule twenty-four-seven.”

Mariano raised his brows. “Ah, yes, you’re right. Real jobs keep you busy. My bad.”

Matteo scowled at him. “How would you know? You’re jobless now that your client is quitting her not so ‘real’ job, no?”

“Matteo.” Delfina warned him in a hiss, pinching his arm to keep him quiet. He noticed Luna’s blank look turning into a small grimace.

Mariano was about to retort when Luna’s manager grabbed his arm. “Don’t.” Then she turned to Delfi, “I think’s it’s for the better to start discussing the elephant in the room, sweetheart. You can always update your lawyer when he comes.”

Delfi pursed her lips at the nickname, but stood up with a nod. “Fine. I don’t think I have to explain why we’re here exactly.”

“You understand this is not Miss Benson’s fault, right? This was a matter taken out of context by their fans and the media.” The man’s tone wasn’t exactly condescending, but even Matteo felt like he was trying to teach Delfi how to do her job.

Still, Delfi remained as calm as she could. “We do, as I’m sure you understand your client’s choices shouldn’t taint my client’s image, no?”

“He’s as tainted as you can get them. Aren’t ‘playboy’, ‘heartthrob’, and ‘ladies man’ nice ways of saying man-whore?” Matteo heard small gasps around him, but he was too shocked at the insult to notice whose gasps were from. Mariano looked smug. “If anything, he is the reason they assume conclusions. If your client didn’t have the image he has, our client wouldn’t have linked to him in the first place.”

That was enough for his friend to snap. “If your client had been properly trained to do interviews without making a mess we wouldn’t be in this situation at all!”

“Those articles had died down until both your clients chose to approach ours at a public event knowing there would be photographers all over the place! How’s that for trained?”

“Enough, Mariano!” His partner shut him up. The woman had the decency of looking ashamed. Delfi and him, though? They were pissed. “I’m really sorry, guys. This is not at all what we came here for and I apologize for my-”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Tamara.” Delfi interrupted her, “he does.”

Mariano pursed his lips, but spit out the apology anyway. “I’m sorry for the way I behaved just now.” Matteo clenched his jaw, moving his gaze to Luna, who looked mad, too. At whom, though, he didn’t know.

“As you know, all our news deals are broken. We have no control, or stance to negotiate with them anymore. So-”

“So, you want us to fix it for you? Is that it? Why should we, after the stunt your team just pulled?” Matteo almost growled, his anger rolling in waves through his body.

Tamara grimaced. “I was hoping we could make an agreement. I know we-” she pointed to Mariano and herself, “-haven’t behaved as we should. But this isn’t about us only.” She looked at Luna, whose frown and pursed lips were more evident now than before.

At last, she fixated her eyes on his.

“I’m not asking you to do anything for me.”

Matteo sighed out, “Luna-”

“No. Listen, if your image-” she scowled at the word, “- is so important to you I can ask Jazmín or someone else to interview me and I’ll tell them the truth.” Matteo almost choked up. Where was she getting at?

“The truth?” Delfi repeated, expectant.

Luna’s friend looked worried, now. “Lu- Sol, please-”

She looked at him, her eyes not wavering for a moment. “Y’know, that you’re not the reason of my decision. I’m sure your fans will be shocked to hear you’re not the center of my universe.”

“Luna, plea-” Nina tried to gain her attention, but she still didn’t move her gaze from him.

“And I’m sure they’ll be glad to know we’re not dating, much less friends.”

Had he been punched? He felt himself getting his breath knocked out of him. He barely heard her friend warning her. “Luna, stop. This isn’t you talking.”

“No, let her talk.” Matteo was proud he didn’t sound as hurt as he was feeling.

“Oh, so you’re talking to me now?” her sarcasm was throwing him off. Why was she mad about him not talking to her when she basically ignored him too? “Or do I have to wait another two weeks for you to answer me again?” Oh.

Oh.

“You’re mad abou-”

“Dude, no.” Was that…? When had Gastón arrived that he didn’t even notice? He felt his friend squeeze his shoulder, before palming it a couple times. “Don’t answer that, you’ll never win that argument.” He whispered, shaking his head in Luna’s direction. Then he turned to everyone in the room. “So, what did I miss?”

#soy luna #lutteo #luna valente #matteo balsano #my sl ff #my lutteo ff #soltteo #my sl au #queued bc uni

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fakingbrave · 7 years

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My Surgery Part 1

This is going to be a long post. I mean very long, so to help I’m going to break it into sections pertaining to the different parts of the day of surgery and following. Hope you enjoy, and once again sorry I disappeared for so long.

What I Had Done: Laparoscopic Full/Complete Nissens Fundoplication

(I ended up being forced into laparoscopic, which I will discuss later, so don’t get your spoons in a twist.)

Getting There:

I can’t remember everything from that day, but I believe that my surgery was scheduled for 11 am, and we were to be there at 9:30 or 10 am. I woke up, got my “go” bag (I will make a post about a “go” bag later), and left. My mom drove me, my dad trailed behind. I was mad at them because it was day two of no food and they stopped at Akron Children Hospital’s coffee shop. I was a tad hangry, to say the least. We reached our check in location, which involved many turns and elevators. If you know ACH you know they are famous for their elevators. The lady was very nice and took us to a room with a curtain for a door, no biggie.

Paper Work and Procedurals:

First thing first the gown. I changed into the gown and pants and put mine in my go bag. When you are staying for a long surgery and stay, they give you the good, high-quality stuff, none of that paper/plastic fabric or the one size fits all blue drapes. Then we filled out the paperwork of who I was and what allergies I had. I got my two red bands, for my latex and medicine/food allergies, one on each arm, and we were set for paperwork on a legal aspect. It always pissed me off to watch the Red Band Society, because they used the red bands to signify big surgeries, but red bands in almost all hospitals (at least in America) signifies an allergy. I get one when I go to get an x-ray. My girlfriend got one when she went for a checkup and she’s a normal all spoons intact kind of person. Anyway, after that, I had to pee in a cup, which was dumb. Quick fact, I’m trans if you didn’t know, FTM, and I’m been on T for almost two years. My ovaries have been out of commission for awhile, and I’m not sexually active, but apparently, a pregnancy check was in order. I am aware its a legal thing, but I don’t think God is looking for the next Virgin Mary to be a trans kid about to get surgery.

DNR and Religous BS:

Okay so after this was done we met with the social worker. My parents signed some more forms, I signed some forms, and so on. I then told her that I wanted to get a DNR in place. Just to be clear, this is a SUPER SIMPLE EASY process, well she kinda did an 180, and I guess a few screws fell loose or something, because after she left, about 10 mins later, a Chaplain walked in. First off, I did not ask, nor did my parents ask for a Chaplain, or any kind of religious, or any other form of counseling. We were perfectly fine. I knew what I wanted, I knew the legal proceedings, and I knew who needed to be there to do what. So the hospital assumed just because we asked about a DNR we were somehow religiously affiliated. I told this woman I didn’t need her help, nor did I want it. She would not leave. She spent 20 mins about a foot from me (closer than my parents were) trying to talk me out of it. I told her I wasn’t interested in retracting my statement. Eventually, she left, only to return 10 mins later. At this point I was pissed. I previously was calm, and happy to be having this life changing surgery so I could fix a debilitating problem, but she had ruined this. She proceeded to try to talk me out of it and spoke to me as if I was a 6-year-old. If you knew me personally you would know that I do not like confrontation, and I do not like to be challenged on things pertaining to myself, in short, I’m bullheaded, and I do my research. This woman was getting on my last straw. She told me that ACH had a policy against DNR’s, and wouldn’t treat me if I had one. For one I have a feeling she was lying or didn’t know what she was talking about, and two if not, I think that is highly illegal. As DNR’s are the law. She gave me this hokey stuff to fill out with my parents about what I would like in the event I was going to die, but this only applied if I was brain-dead, which is not the point as to why I wanted the DNR. The papers were also only suggestions from child to parent, not law. The whole thing made me mad as hell. I ended up talking to my doctor, who is a great man, but also made me mad. He told me that he wouldn’t work on a patient who had a DNR. I think that is dumb, it defeats the purpose of a DNR. DNR’s are supposed to help improve life, not worsen. Refusing all treatment is the opposite of DNR. The whole thing was baloney. He also said that a healthy boy like me doesn’t need a DNR, which for one, anyone can have it, and two I’m not healthy. It just goes to show that even to doctors our disability/illness is invisible. So I ended up just consenting to the surgery without the DNR. I still plan on getting one, one day, but I needed that surgery, and unfortunately, that was the risk I had to take.

The Delay

Now technically this happened in the midst of the previous body of text, but it made more sense to describe it after. My surgery was scheduled for 11 am, but I did not have surgery until noon. This really isn’t a big deal I just thought I would throw it in for explanation sake, and so people know what to expect. My surgery was delayed because there was an emergency gastro surgery from the ER that my doctor had to help with. Like I said I was very happy to wait. We ended up needing the extra time to short out the above BS. Just so you know though things don’t generally follow the planned timeline in hospitals.

Surgery Time

Okay, so it was surgery time. They came and got me, but before I left the room I took off everything they didn’t give me except my underwear (some surgeries that come off too though) and put it in my go bag. So my glasses and what not. Then we walked to the operating room, and it is really bright, you walk unless you are unable. There were TV’s everywhere because it was a laparo surgery, which was cool to see. There was also a bunch of stains on the ground, but it looked more like spilled iodine, not blood. I highly doubt that you will ever see blood when you enter the room. I met my anesthesiologist, another doctor, a nurse who works with the anesthesia, and another nurse. They were all really nice, and I was cracking jokes with the anesthesia doc. I told him that in previous surgeries apon wake up I will rip out my IV, so he took the medical tape and wrapped it around my hand like 5 times which made me laugh. They are really good at their job. Since I’m a-okay with needles all my drugs were done through IV, until I was asleep. I never forget what happens then I go under, it just doesn’t make me forget, I remember the whole process, always have. After set up was done that was that. My doctor and a few others came in said hello, he was talking to me most of the time. Before they put the IV in you slip your arms out of the gown, but you’re always covered when you are awake. They put all the little electrodes on me and started to turn on stuff. As they put the drugs in they kept talking to me, asking me stuff like what I wanted to be, what colleges I was thinking about, how I liked school. My doctor was telling the other doctors about my crazy school and the weird classes I take, so that was fun. The nurse was always explaining things to me, and talking to me. She asked me if I was nervous and I never was. I always go into surgeries with the acceptance that if I die, that’s okay. I want to be at peace of mind. I’m always happy and content/calm when I go under, and I think that’s how it should be. The doctors and nurses I had definitely help with that. I also know a lot of the people at ACH, which helps. It took awhile but I fell asleep. The anesthesia is cold when it runs through your veins but they cover you up with warm blankets, so it's okay.

Well, that’s part one, I will be adding a part two soon. We are currently in the process of trying to move/sell our house so I’ve been very busy. I hope this is helpful to at least some of you, and entertaining to the rest.

#surgery #ehlers danlos syndrome #ehlers danlos problems #nissens #fundoplication #spoon theory #spoonies #spoonie #Spoony #ehlers danlos zebra #eds type 3 #EDS awareness #life with eds #ACH #akron childrens #DNR

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fishbians · 4 years

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learning to actually enjoy food again is a process but!

ig im making this post partly for archival reasons, and partly because i think it might help other people in similar (?) situations to me

fall 2018 - may 2019 was an extremely hard time for me. my girlfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me, i was in college about to go to an international conference with what felt like nothing to present, and i realized i had few if any friends there. actually, all of my friends within my major were studying abroad, and i was completely alone. i was 6 hours away from home, and became so depressed i lost 15 pounds 2 months after the breakup. gaining weight is difficult for me, so a 15 lbs drop put me in dangerous territory if i were to get sick.

since then i’ve recovered some of that weight, about 5 to 8 lbs of it depending. mentally and emotionally, i am in a much better place. but one issue still lingered from that time: i have lost interest in food. before fall 2018 i already had a somewhat built in disinterest in food; if i was busy, i wouldnt eat simply because i’d forget to. spectrum brain sometimes gets Super Engrossed in a task, and then 6 hours have gone by and i haven’t eaten anything. so this made it a lot worse.

since i’ve been home, i’ve been working part-time in retail, and if we know anything about retail it’s that you get about one break a shift (a possible 15 if i have a short shift, and a mandatory unpaid 30 if i have a longer shift). this has made it even harder for me to get back on a consistent eating schedule. i can feel the toll it’s begun to take on my body, and so like i said, im posting this partly for my own archival purposes, and partly for anyone else who might find it useful.

my main dilemma that i noticed since i’ve been back home is that i’m just not excited when i eat food. when i have to eat lunch, it’s not, “aw fuck yeah, i’m gonna eat some mf PASTA” it’s, “ah, fuck, i have to go give my body sustenance.” if im busy, i get irritated because my task is being interrupted (a spectrum brain thing i think). if im not busy, i notice its just that im not excited about the flavor or event of Food. and so i asked myself, why the Fuck is this happening? this isnt, like, a normal thing that people usually experience. usually everyone around me is so excited about food.

i thought it was probably some sort of leftover symptom from a combination of things: 1) repetitive on-the-go on-campus food for the past 3 years, and 2) depression and lack of eating from the past year. actually, if we go farther back, this has been happening probably since high school, though on a subtler level, since i was so overwhelmed with schoolwork i rarely had consistent meals.

there are a few things that are consistent here:

stress

pace of my environment

lack of meal variety

those second and third ones especially are really notable to me, i think, because i notice im a really fucking fast eater. especially if i want to get back to something i was doing earlier. sometimes it’s required but a lot of times it’s not. the other thing, lack of meal variety, is something ive been trying to tackle too. i think that lack of enrichment with different flavors and textures makes food dull. the problem is, spectrum brain is a little bitch and HATES certain textures. it is one PICKY motherfucker. we like tomatoes and bell peppers - ONLY IF the they are diced very finely, and put in a carb (like pasta, rice...etc). so it makes it really hard for me to have meal variety when the taste might be fine but the texture is something my brain rejects. one issue at a time, i guess.

what i did this weekend was really good, though. Really Good. i pulled some resources from my nutritionist i had on campus (i can send those to anyone upon request) and made two things:

a shopping list

a meal list

the thing about me and grocery shopping is this: when i have to grocery shop, i have to ask myself, what do i wanna eat over the next week or two? and my brain goes, who the fuck knows, kid! and so i end up buying some of the things i like, but not having enough variety to keep me Enriched. a lot of the food goes to waste, or i forget about the options i have, etc. furthermore, now that i work, i can’t keep buying food from my store, its not economical or healthy. so i needed to really buckle down and do meal prep, and do it well, because my job is demanding.

so! i pulled some meal ideas and snack ideas from my nutritionist’s handouts, and made a shopping list. then i made a meal list, which breaks down meals that i know i like for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then snacks. i have to be eating about 5 times a day consistently to gain weight. 3 meals and 2 snacks minimum. then, in a separate column, i indicated if it was a “work-ready” meal, so i knew how many i could pack as lunches or snacks.

now i have that list to look at if i dont know what to eat! because as stupid as it sounds, i have a really hard time synthesizing the groceries i’ve bought and the options i have, especially when it’s mixed in with my parents’ food in the fridge and pantry. that list of meals i can reference will hopefully help me 1) not waste food and 2) feel like i have some variety.

my other thing that ive been doing to help me get excited about food, and to also slow the FUCK down when i eat (to help me savor flavors) is being social when i eat. especially since a lot of my friends are still in college right now or work, when i can, i take my meals out and sit with my parents. it not only forces me to slow down eating by talking, but also makes me feel less lonely, which was a really bad issue i had in college. i took almost every meal alone. and humans are social! and the social part is helping a lot.

so if youre even reading this, thanks for reading. like i said, this was mostly for archival purposes, but for people with similar issues as me, i hope this helped in some way too.

#fishbians.foodjournal #fishbians.txt #a lot abt learning to love food again under the read more tag #really just for archival purposes but if u wanna read go ahead

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marcusforst · 7 years

Text

7/10 Update

Hello all! Another update is in order. It has been a long time—about 6 months. Last time we talked I was feeling pretty awful. I am happy to report that I have been much more healthy recently. I went to a bunch of doctor’s appointments at the beginning of this year, figured out some chemo dosing issues, and have cut down on my high-density social interactions in order to avoid getting sick. So, I’m sorry if I’ve missed some of your parties—I just didn’t want to be sick for two weeks after attending. I also had a lot of trouble breathing in my dorm apartment and ended up having to move my bed into my living room and used air purifiers so that I could breathe and sleep at night. I’m very much a bubble boy. Because I was still exhausted and feeling awful at the end of winter break, I decided to quit a bunch of the stuff that I was doing (climbing, running, lifting, working in one of my two labs, choir, intramural sports). I decided to concentrate on attending school for the first two months of the semester. I also cut down again on classes—only taking 3 classes this time, although I found 3 physics classes was still a large workload. One of these courses was my most difficult so far —Electrodynamics. It was also my favorite class that I have ever taken. This class required me to use every bit of my academic skill and knowledge that I have developed over the last 15 years. When high school students ask themselves “when will I use this again?” The answer to that question is: 3 years into a physics major in your second real electricity and magnetism (EnM2) class. I used history, geography, geometry, reading comprehension, language translation, math, chemistry, biology, physics, computer science, and art in this class. We learned about radio antennas, x-ray production, light diffraction, general relativity (spacetime), fiber optics and more. I learned a ridiculous amount of math. This class was the point in studying physics where everything stopped being held still in a vacuum. It was wild, and I enjoyed the challenge. This was my favorite semester of college besides my magical first semester in which I just felt superhuman. Notably, it was also I also the first time I finished a full year of college, since the previous two years were aborted by my cancer treatment. I am still continuing treatment, but this time I was able to finish a full year of college simultaneously. During the semester I read The Making of the Atomic Bomb for my modern physics class. It is a history book but is very focused on the physicists, the people. For a long time at the beginning of the semester, in my solitude trying to recover my strength, the physicists in the book were my closest friends—I looked forward every night to reading and spending some quality time with Bohr, Lawrence, Rutherford, Fermi, and Meitner. Inasmuch as EnM2 class reassured me that I chose the right major, this book reassured me that physicists are my people. Midway through the semester, I finally recovered some of my energy, and so I felt comfortable to start climbing and lifting again. That was fun. My mom took a night class on Mondays and so I got to hang out with her every week, which was really nice. It also helped me a lot because it is actually pretty difficult for me to live independently, especially during chemo week. I also peer-taught the class “Honors Sports and Leisure in American Society” which was fun. It’s interesting because my mom took an urban education class and so we spent a lot of time discussing education. School is my favorite thing—and I’ve always wanted to teach—but I don’t really know how much of an impact I had as a peer teacher. It is well documented that it is difficult to measure a teacher’s impact, and so much depends on the individual student. To wrap up my school year, I had a pretty difficult finals experience. I prepared well, but my EnM exam took me 7 hours (from 11 to 6) and I still could only finish 3 of the 5 problems. My classical mechanics final (ball rolls down hill) took me 3 hours and I made two small mistakes—resulting in my first A- ever. I’m not too disappointed though, because I actually did very well in the class. Modern Physics was a breeze. So school wrapped up well. I’m definitely proud of what I accomplished this semester. I applied for several programs, but didn’t get into the summer program that I was hoping for. That was very disappointing and demoralizing. Looking back on the last year, I don’t see room for improvement because I have been working at absolute maximum efficiency. I have essentially given my all to academics, I have worked in labs, published papers, done activities outside of school, and also created an event at my high school, and I continue to battle cancer. But it still wasn’t good enough to get me into an Ivy league program for the summer. I certainly don’t think I have any more to give. Thankfully, I was given an opportunity to work in a Temple Physics lab for the summer, and I am enjoying working there when I am healthy enough to work. Since I got rejected from the Ivy summer program while I still had a 4.0, it actually helped me accept losing my 4.0, because it clearly wasn’t enough anyway. I wonder if there is some special group of humans that I haven’t met yet. I honestly want to meet these people and compete with them. Intrinsically, I am super happy with what I do. But it would be nice to win something from one of these institutions into which I have imbued value. It is really difficult to imagine a happy life at this point. I used to be super happy and positive. But I feel so awful—physically—every day that it is impossible to just “be happy.” That’s one of the reasons I am so driven now. I can’t just “live a happy life” because I feel like crap —or at best I know that in 5 days I will feel terrible so I have to do as much as possible right now. Chemo is a constant recurring annoyance. I take chemo pills each evening and get a splitting headache and hope to be able to sleep. Once weekly, I take a massive dose of another chemo drug that makes me feel dull for three days. Then before you know it, day 28 arrives and I head back to the hospital for another infusion of IV chemo, which knocks me down for a week. It has been nice to take time off after the infusion chemo to recover during the summer as opposed to dredging through during the school year. It’s been great working in the lab at Temple University. I have worked 9-7ish, 6 days a week while taking a lunch break to rock climb. I have been growing thin films of Molybdenum Disulfide and characterizing them using Atomic Force Microscopy. Much of my time is spent helping maintain our Scanning Tunneling Microscope—refilling helium, making sure the helium liquefier is working etc. I really enjoy working in my lab. I love that the physicists around me are as driven as me. I don’t feel weird for enjoying excessive hours (though I do wish we had more of a regular eating schedule). I have also been teaching myself Python and HTML/CSS and helping my graduate students tune their MATLAB programs. I have found that I enjoy coding much more than I anticipated (as seems to be the case for almost everything). I am currently creating a poster summarizing what I have accomplished thus far in my lab. I am excited to share my work, although my work is more collaborative compared to the independent work I did the previous year. In other news, my parents have moved out of our old house in Avondale, and are still looking for a house in Maryland. That has been crazy and hectic, and I tried to sort through and pack up my entire childhood in a few days. I’d argue that I’ve felt worse, but it hasn’t been nice. I also again hosted AG Talks at my high school on May 16. The attendance was disappointing as only about 50 people showed up, with notable absences from my friends and teachers/faculty. It was particularly disappointing because I presented at a faculty meeting months ahead of time, and hoped that teachers would put it on their calendars and promote the event to their students. I recognize that everyone is busy, but it was also a very busy time for me, so I was not able to make as many personal appearances at the school to promote the event as I had the previous year. The intention of the event is to help connect high school students to recent AG graduates, and enable graduates to give back to the community. I hope that the AG Talks event continues in the future, but it will only get more difficult to pull off as I live in Philadelphia, my parents no longer live in the area, and my own alumni class contacts become more distant post graduation. Now that Karl has graduated, I too have little left attaching me to the Avon Grove school district. I really want to give back but will need help from the school and the community to do so. Cheers, Marcus

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