#i'd like to draw it but. blegh.

[nebulousmedic]

Hey not a ask and you don’t have to answer this publicly but on your nsfw twitter, I noticed you drew the mercs drinking while having sex and I wanted you to know that drunk sex is r/ape/non-con. They’re intoxicated so they can’t properly consent so I recommend editing those pics or deleting them!

Scout is not intoxicated in the drawing. I imagined it happened the next day at night, perhaps? Since I did depict him hungover, or even a couple days after since an 0rgy like that does require proper planning and preparation

Anyway

#anonymous #ask #mun talks #if someone drew dub or non con there's no chance they dont know it anyhow #if you tell them I guarantee you they will know it's problematic content #unless they're very young and still learning there is no way theyre deleting the art either #anyway #please don't assume I draw this kinda stuff. i don't #this is why I don't draw Demo smut ever #mf is literally always drunk and I don't like that #if I do draw him it will be sober #at most I guess I'd draw Sniper having sex while high #but with prior discussion and consent from him and his partner #this pissed me off for no reason #blegh #ik you're just trying to help (I guess?) but I can't help but feel like you think I'm stupid #I'm going back to bed now I'm too moody

[cornettotrilogies]

i miss the days where i could just boot up minecraft and go create an entire ministry of joy headquarters off of the top of my head. i am too much of a perfectionist now

#[🪶]: #like at age 10 i was just trying my hardest to make a dizzying rollercoaster within the constraints of minecraft that could live up to it #i was making headquarters and doing spiral patterns and talking about it on servers to anyone who would listen #and now i just kinda. idk i think i lost the magic #it has to be Perfect and Towering and beautiful yet terrifying and incorporate all this cool stuff and blegh #i have too many ideas in my head for how the ministry of joy COULD work and how it all operates and just. nowhere to put it at all #i could write it but i'd get writers block. i could draw it but i'd get too frustrated. i could try and build it but it would never be -> #-> just the way i wanted it to be it would NEVER be like how it is in my head #it's maddening almost to Want to build on all this stuff and define it and shape a whole universe out of it but just #not having any of the skill required to actually be able to do that #raaaagh whatever #tx

[threadsun]

okay i re-checked the design used in the character intro video to make sure i'm not talking out my ass

so the white has taken the 'priority spot' in jack's design because before his jacket added to the primary blue in his colors, so it was more like blue--red--white--yellow and now it seems more like they want to play up the innocent buddy friend aspect of jack through his colors since white = good and trustworthy or whatever this is like the 3rd time i've rewritten this

but he has orange on his design and i want to add it in more places basically, like his little neck part of the jacket/pocket rectangle/aglet on his jacket, and i was trying to figure out if i wanted his gloves to be straight up yellow like normal or to do something like yorange {yellow-orange}

i changed some of his colors to be more 'mine' since i thought it'd be fun since i don't really consider the jack i'm writing about and the jack in swwsdj the same because of the different but similar circumstances or something {and this drawing is like 300 hits late since i was supposed to get it done. i have the chapter ready but it's just a draft and i posted one since i already felt bad and posted it promising an art post in the next chapter so blegh i am so tired}

also part of the reason this has taken so long is 1. general exhaustion and 2. college. i am in college where is my ian-- thankfully i don't have class for 3 days so 🎉yay!🎉

i am not re-reading this because i'll change it again if you have questions yeah i'm open {that's what he said haha}

~ }i{

Ooooh nice!!! I think he should have some orange on him :3c Also rip about being in college, but I hope you find your Ian!!!

But whenever you're done with it, I'd love to see it if you wanna show me :3c

#sunshine #asks #18+ only #}i{

[swamp-satyr]

Starting to feel really hopeless about finding a job... I applied for a job I really wanted and had to dig really deep to get a solid answer on whether or not I was going to get a reply back... it's already hard enough as it is to find a job that suits me with my wrist limitations and, well, socially awkward demeanor.

Eventually I just started applying for jobs I'm not remotely suited for and only get replies like "sorry but maybe you should find a job that's more suited for you"

Like yeah no shit man! I've been trying!!! What makes it worse is how my mum keeps insisting jobs are just all over the place up for grabs. Maybe if you're an experienced manager yeah!!! Also stay out of my business! ... blegh I feel so useless sitting around all day getting denied left and right. I just want a stable job I can make a solid enough income with to move out. That's literally all I want... I just want to move out of my tiny ass room.

Nothing fancy! I'd be happy in another tiny house with two rooms. Just something to call my own. My own space and rules where I don't have to fear someone walking into my room and making fun of me for watching a cartoon (which happened but all too often!). I could finally have the space to practise voice acting, play video games, draw whatever I want without any judgement or lack of privacy. Is that literally such an outlandish thing to want as someone who turns 24 this June?

#vent

[bleghbleghladydeath]

Hi, I haven't introduced myself. I am Blegh Blegh, Lady Death, or Lynn. I am fourteen. I'm cringy and dumb. I have little impulse control and I shouldn't even be on the internet, no, but seriously, I'm not aloud. I have some issues I need to work through. I hate a lot of things. I'm a bit pessimistic and I rarely see good in anything. I love Creepypasta and Marble Hornets for these reasons, lol. I am unsure about a lot and I have a lot to learn about the world. I'm your most goofy creator. I also have homicidal thoughts triggered by anger but I'd never act on them. I possibly have ADHD. I love cats and I like to draw, write and sing, sometimes I even write my own music. I'm a hot mess who needs to take a breather but I can't, or maybe I won't let myself. Small things overwhelm me while scary things seem easy. I have some anger issues and I am a control freak. My grandma is a little toxic so..yeah.. My comfy character is Ticci Toby. Laughing Jack too cause I'm fucked like that. I love SCP 999 to. If your having a stroke reading this then expect that. I don't really know what, who, or where I am as a person but I'm gonna get there. I don't feel like a teenager but I want to be treated like I'm not four years old, I also don't want to be treated like a adult. I'm confused and tired so I'm gonna go. Good day/night. I love you 💙

#just a rant #hello tumblr

[angelofnaptime]

*Does a cutesy little twirl*

Hello, I'm Blanc and it's nice to meet you all! Figured I'd intro myself and my interests, so anyone popping onto my blog could get to know me a little bit~

I enjoy reading poetry, and I draw frequently! I think science is fun, but more specifically biology. I have really sharp senses, and picky taste buds to boot... I love cold foods and drinks! Hot temperatures make me melt and shrivel up and die! Blegh!! My favourite sort of...vibes? Aesthetics? Doll aesthetics are neat, and angelology is a always a fun read or two.

I really like to play games as well! Right now I am paticularly into games like genshin and the trails/kiseki series. (Cannot wait to finally play kuro 2!! Gotta wait for a lack of work n stuff and then ouuugh it's going to be great. Will i know what they are going to be saying? Nope! But it's okay because I can still rotate my beloved blorbos in my mind endlessly..) More specifically though, I rather enjoy rhythm games, if i had to pick just one genre!

That's all! Please, enjoy your stay on my blog, however long that may be.

[roseverdict]

just had a comic thought but i have no space on my phone so my drawing app won't let me draw things SO

concept: undertale comic following post-truepaci frisk as they listen in on alphys's worried rambling to someone else. apparently there's been a sudden influx of energy from a parallel universe and she can't pinpoint it.

frisk hears a commotion outside and looks out the window

woshua is chasing a bunch of antimaskers and yelling "WEAR UR MASK" at the top of their lungs, with the little ducky squeaking angrily. also their color palette is darker and has more red in it

the implication here is that woshua is drawing on Pure Distilled Essence Of Underfell in their well-deserved-rage

we cut back to frisk for a moment, who's thinking very hard about something…

…and then we timeskip to outside, where frisk and woshua are both running around brandishing face masks. in the foreground, to the side, alphys is just standing there watching this like "ah."

#rosie babbles #ut #undertale #underrune #corona #i'd like to draw it but. blegh.

[mars-ipan]

we were talking abt submitting ap exam stuff this in art class and i got hit with. the Strongest wave of imposter syndrome. so i don’t feel the best rn

#marzivents #teacher was talking abt how we need to make sure our sketchbooks have good work in them #and how we need at least a couple good sketches mixed in with the rough ones #and like. this year's been garbage for my mental health right #so my work isn't the best i've done #plus i'm in drawing so i have to try to do a little realism #but i'm much more suited for stylized work which is. far from realistic #so i end up feeling out of place and like i'm not as good of an artist as my classmates #and it just. feels bad man. i just wanted to save 2d for later bc like. i love 2d i enjoy using the elements of art in creative ways a lot #but i'm now worried that because A. i'm not really a realism person and B. this year Sucked i won't get the college credit #bc my art won't be good enough for it and i just. i'm feeling invalid ig #blegh. perfectionism sucks this shit's so tough to overcome #i gotta give myself a break. i got into this class for a reason. my friends think i'm good at art and i trust their judgement #my teacher believes in me. i'll be okay. she's only here to help #and if i cry in front of her? it's okay. she's an art teacher for crying out loud i doubt i'd be the first #besides. plenty of people don't get into art until their twenties #just because i'm surrounded by kids who have been seriously pursuing art since grade school doesn't mean i'm behind #i'm technically ahead of the course considering i may earn college credit #i'm okay. or i will be. even if everything goes wrong i'll be okay

[aermuir]

hghghghhdhh i want to open up commissions but that would mean i’d have to find the patience to make my lineart and shading cleaner and idk if i can do that

#when im just drawing for me idc how messy the lines get but if im like being paid i want to make it look good #also i'd have to figure out prices which is blegh #but if i open up commissions i can get the money to upgrade my computer so it'll run better hmm #this is all on the assumption people would actually comission me tho asdjklfasjkldf #personal

[oflgtfol]

its honestly kinda of upsetting thinking about how badly voltron turned out like. to this day shiro remains my all time favorite character and i love him so much but then voltron is just a steaming hot pile of garbage and like.. god he deserves so much better what the fuck........

#like i . hate voltron but. i still love shiro so much and its wild that like. voltron was able to do that?? #honestly like at least 50% of the reason i started disliking voltron was bc of the way it treated shiro tho lmfaoo #like the majority of the fandom seems to agree that s3 was the last decent season but like... no it wasnt #for me it was. bad lmfao #yes not as bad as the seasons that would come after but in comparison to s1 and s2 it was just... so fucking bad #and the stark difference between s1+2 and s3?? is that shiro was gone in s3 #immediately my enjoyment in the show dropped #and then clone shiro and even though he was 'there' for s4-6 it wasnt . HIM. so i didnt get get to enjoy him then!!!! #and he was DEAD FOR FOUR WHOLE SEASONS #and when he finally came back he was shoved in the corner and given bullshit reasons as to why he wasnt black paladin #adn the homophobia and EVEYRHING UGHHH #its just. its honestly kinda upsetting yknow . i love him so much and he was dealt such a bad fucking hadn by the shitty crew... #and literally nobody fucking cares except for shiro stans el oh el #and half the shiro stans are absolute fucking freaks so lmfaoo!!!! #delete soon #like honestly im still so salty abt how voltron turned out to this day mostly bc of the fact i was only ever attached to it because of shiro #and their trreatment of shiro is a major reason as to why the show fucking sucks. #otherwise i'd be like 'blegh' and get apathetic and stop watching without throwing a fuss #but because i cared so much about it ONLY because of shiro its like. lol. you draw me in with this character and then use him as a #punching bag for literally the entire fucking show and like . hm!!!!!

[wp100art]

#mario #super mario #i was listening to watermelon sugar as i was drawing this #excuse the terrible music taste lol i just thought I'd share #I never really thought i'd like harry styles but here we are #this is based off the pic of him eating a watermelon ... i might finish this idk the proportions are blegh

[herotome]

Devlog #54

Hi-ho, Wudge here. I promised I'd show some a cool GIF so...

Tadah!! A beautiful animation featuring @regal-bones!!!

She was absolutely DELIGHTFUL to work with, 10/10. if you’re ever looking for some radical DnD artwork or particle effect animations, I highly recommend her services!

The sprite, as always, is lined & colored by Remnantation. <3

(I'm gonna post this separate from the devlog here in a minute, just to try - bc I ought to post these standalone images without my big rants attached to them hahaha.)

Alright onto this week's update:

I've been writing moorreeee Jade! Starting to feel pretty okay about the transition between her scene and Dart's.

Caught up on a good handful of asks! \o/

And I've been working on a lot of dumb adult stuff behind the scenes - I don't know if I've mentioned them in detail, since I prefer to get them sorted quietly. Sometimes talking about these things is comforting, other times acknowledging them makes them even more stressful, you know?

••• Paypal is enforcing some changes in my country that makes it so I can't receive any incoming payments unless I have a registered business. So... I've been jumping through the hoops of trying to register a business. Not yet ready to share the business name (still gotta hoard all the usernames on all the platforms). The change won't take effect for another couple months... I'm hoping they don't make it too painful, because to my knowledge I've done everything I'm supposed to do and now I'm just waiting on them. e_e Blegh.

••• My drawing tablet-computer is about 3 years old and starting to show signs of, ah, physical wear and tear. This makes me sad because the SOFTWARE still works great, but the screen's got some black lines across the top (like rows pixels aren't loading?), the trackpad hasn't worked in over a year, sometimes the power button doesn't seem to work unless I press real hard.... I've tried to use some workarounds (ex, buying an external mouse) and I've been diligent about backing up my data, but it's starting to get to a point where I'm gonna need to get this little baby looked at. 😭 And they're probably gonna tell me to just get a new computer. 😭😭😭 Buuut who knows, fingers crossed these fixes are all minimal effort and I can keep the baby going for another 3 years?

••• As suchhh I've spent much of today troubleshooting and doing minor IT surgery (software updates, testing the net connection, disabling that ho Cortana, etc.) on my old laptop from... 2015. This will ensure I can keep working even when the baby is away. All that's left is making sure all my files are up-to-date on my SSD. 💫 I won't be able to work on any art, but I can at least keep writing and coding!

So ahh, thoughts and prayers and whatnot for my first world problems. ❤️ Would love to get the computer situation sorted, at least, by the end of the year.

I hope you’re all staying safe and keeping warm.

Much love,

Wudge.

#herotome update #interactive fiction #oelvn

[ratsoh-writes]

I have a feeling I'm either going to get Honey or a Horrortale skele, so here we go for Matchups! -🍊

Personality

-introverted

-nervous/jumpy/sensitive

-artistic/creative

-very sleepy. I stay up till 5am and sleep till 2pm.

-helpful! I like feeling needed lol.

-sensitive. I have an abusive mother im in therapy for, so I need someone soft :(

Hobbies

-im very artistic! I love drawing, painting, listening to music, even making it, anything that keeps my hands busy and my ADHD at bay.

-minecraft! I've just downloaded the game, I've had it for a year now, and I love the building in it lol. The mobs scare me tho.

-rps!!! I LOVE roleplaying!!!! Rpg games, DnD, hell, I even have a few oc based text rps on discord I'm into. It gets me SO excited when I make up little stories with my friends, the gremblin in my enjoys shiny new universes

Dislikes

-Snarky/teasing/snappy jokes, or being teased in general. I'm a sensitive person who takes a bit too much to heart. Mal and Red scare me.

-loud noises/crowded areas. Another trama trigger for me, I feel trapped in a situation and it makes me paranoid. I'd rather sit outside and watch a thunderstorm than go to a local fair.

-being pushed out of my comfort zone and/or being forced to get in contact with family I've kicked out of my life, the whole 'well family is family!' saying means jack shit to me. I've put my demons at bay, I don't want someone to push me out of my comfort zone, or else I feel sick with nerves. I don't like traveling or being around a lot of people, I'd rather just text someone than see them face to face, words come easier then. Brain weird.

Deal breakers

-anyone who forces me to be social. I have anxiety, leave me be dammit. If someone kept pushing and complaining about it, it would make me feel guilty and blegh. Let's not go down that rabbit hole.

-cheating, I have a low image of myself, I don't need someone flirting with others or being all handy with them. Once the wound it made, I'm not letting the knife near me again.

-someone who yells a lot. Loud voices, especially male ones, make me panicked and scared. If Edge ever lectured me I would simply. Cry.

-someone violent, which is a given. Sorry mafia men, but blood scares me. I'm a wheeny.

-someone forcing me to change. I'm chonky, so being forced into a diet or something would make me think low of myself, I couldn't stay with someone like that. Or someone pushing me to get anxiety meds or giving me a bedtime. I like my independence and I'm working on myself, I don't need to be pressured to do it faster.

-passive aggressiveness, it makes me confused on what to say in an argument and that junk.

Flaws

-most of these have already been said, but I'm introverted with low energy, I don't like going to big events or traveling away from home.

-sensitive. Any jokes aimed at me can and will be obsessed over to oblivion, I'm not the teasing type.

-awkward. I was kinda isolated as a kid, so social skills are hard. Don't expect me to pop up on conversations all the time, I mostly listen to what my friends say and nod along.

-hygene. This is also something I'm working on. I've had depression episodes that sometimes still surface, sometimes it's hard to even leave my bed, let along brush my teeth, hair, etc. Some days I'm just not feeling it. I also come from a neglectful house, so I wasn't even raised with those habits. But I'm trying, and that's what I'm focusing on. Don't be like 'ewEwW yOu HaVeNt BrUsHeD yOuR TeEtH tOdAy?!' That's both hurtful and annoying, life sucks man

-god aweful at spelling, sorry rat

Attraction

-someone who's soft and caring. I never had a motherly figure, and I'm too old now for my dad to watch me like a toddler, so I want to feel the love I mostly missed out on. Not babied or anything, just loved and cared for. Hug me, please. Alternatively: aha mommy kink go brr

-cuddly/affectionate. I need to feel wanted, since I was raised in a house that I wasn't, so words of reassurance are really nice, especially if that person wants to be around me close enough to cuddle

I tried making this as neat as I could, since I tend to ramble a lot, so I hope this layout is easy to read! Tell me if I need to add any physics stuff, thank you for the matchup! -🍊

Alright, you were right on probably getting a horror lol. I think the best fit for you is……..BASIL (horrorswap papyrus)!

Here’s the tricky bit. Getting to know basil is here. He’s also extremely anxious, to the point where he’s practically non-verbal to anyone he doesn’t know. But once you do get close enough for him to crush and even confess, you’ll get to see a butch more protective and attentive side to him. Basil is a protector at his core and actually prefers a timid SO unlike honey who likes confident and organized characters.

Basil would be great at balancing between encouraging you to be your best self and not being too pushy. Gentle is basically his main personality trait. And considering who it is here, it’s hard to feel nagged with him being the one giving you those gentle reminders.

You like cuddles? You’re getting your cuddles. Basil is shy about touch so it’s up to you to initiate, but when you do, you’ll find that he’s pretty much touch starved. He likes having you in his lap the most. Basil has mild insomnia so cuddling with a SO is the best way to help him doze off

Basil hasn’t been introduced to the wonderful world of video games yet. Minecraft would be a great starter! If you manage to get him into it, he’ll wind up getting addicted to sims most likely. Or FarmVille. He likes chill games

One important thing about dating basil is that your basically going to have to go vegetarian. You can eat meat outside the house when he’s not around, but the sight and taste of raw meat is a trigger for him. Luckily he’s a wonderful cook and makes up for it in his baking and pasta ;)

I was also thinking of rust and possibly slim for you. (Yes I know slim is a mafia but he’s great at keeping his work hidden)

#matchups #horrorswap

[she-who-is-two-sizes-too-big]

The Hazbin Gang Discover Shipping

Vaggie: They ship me with HIM?! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Angel: Hey, yeah, that's a load o' bull! We're both gay! I mean, I'll fuck a woman if the pay is right but I'd never actually seriously consider datin' one outside of business! Blegh!

Charlie: Why are they so insistent on adding Alastor into my relationships? I'm already in a committed monogamous relationship to Vaggie. Just because I'm bi doesn't mean I'm inherently polyamorous. That's kind of harmful stereotyping..

Alastor: Oh my! I seem to have some level of popularity when it comes to these things! Why, Vaggie, my dear, look! There's even one of me with you!

[Vaggie's face turns green as she picks up a trash can and vomits into it.]

Angel: You did that on purpose, didn't ya?

Alastor: Of course!

Charlie: [she glares at Alastor, then scrolls down a bit] Oh, Alastor~! Look, I found one with you and Vox~!

[Alastor flinches and the sound of microphone feedback is heard for a brief second.]

Angel: Al..? You okay?

Alastor: I. Would. NEVER even think of a romantic relationship with that cretin! I have standards!

Charlie: More of me with Vaggie and Alastor..

[Vaggie looks up when she hears her name said by Charlie, only to look back down and vomit again.]

Husk: Why the fuck is that a drawin' of me with Angel?

Angel: Eh, I don't really have any strong feelings on that right now.

Charlie:; Aww, this one's of my dad and Alastor. It's actually kinda cute, but I dunno if he'd get into another relationship behind mom's back like that..

Nifty: Oh, look! A drawing of a relationship that actually exists without shoehorning someone else into it!

Vaggie: [she looks up] Really? One that's just me and Charlie?

[They click on it, and it's of a crying Charlie cradling Vaggie's corpse.]

Vaggie: ....Wha the fuck is wrong with these people..?

Charlie: Why can't they just draw the actual couple in a healthy positive way without violent angst?! Why are these humans so vile and obsessed with misery?!

Husk: Jesus Christ, these people are fuckin' weird..

Angel: Yeesh. I ain't the best guy but even I know this is pretty deeply rooted homophobia..

Vaggie: I didn't expect you to stick up for me, Angel Dust, thanks.

Angel: Ahh, don't mention it. We gays gotta stick together, right? [chuckle] Plus, you kinda...keep me away from Val when I'm stayin' here, so...

Nifty: Oh, speaking of Mr. Valentino, there's one of you and him, Angel!

Angel: ....Nobody would mind if I got rid of this computer, right?

Charlie: Nah, I've seen all I want.

Vaggie: Dump this piece of shit.

Husk: Do what ya fuckin' want. No skin off my nose.

Alastor: It would seem its uses have been filled.

Nifty: Nooo! I wanna keep looking!

Angel: Sorry, Nifty, outnumbered 4 to 1.

Charlie: There's six of us, though?

Vaggie: Yeah, but remember, hun, Husk didn't vote either way.

Charlie: Ohh, right!

[Angel stands up, takes the computer and walks outside, placing it on the ground of an alley. He pulls out a tommy gun and riddles the monitor with bullets.]

#hazbin hotel #chaggie #charlastor #chalastor #chaggiestor #vaggiestor #angel husk #spidermoth #angel dust x val #alastor x vox #ships #this is why i hate fandoms lol

[halorvic]

You should do more of the shark but with other animals. I know I'd buy stickers of them, if that was something you ended up doing. I always love it! It's the perfect kinda blegh tired mood, and if I had the money I'd fund string lights (Christmas light style) and all sorts. All your art is amazing but honestly the way you've captured a mood in what seems like such a cute quick scribble/sketch... It's honestly impressive, balancing mood and emotion and all of that with cute quickly drawn style.

Thank you very much! To be honest I didn’t really put much thought into the original shurghk drawing but I’m glad (worried?) that so many people seem to connect with them haha

And I definitely intend to continue gradually add new stickers etc. to my store over time so I’ll keep your suggestion in mind!

#[[x]] #re merch etc. #Anonymous

[finsterhund]

Thinking

The reason I've been so depressed this past week is because I'm getting too old. It's frightening. Extremely frightening. I haven't mentally aged (beyond getting wiser and having more experience) since I was about 8 or 9 but my legal age, and more pressingly, my body have. And the fact that I am a very sickly person means that I'm aware of my mortality more than most people are. I can ignore it most of the time but now it's just sorta snuck up on me and I'm terrified. My bones are getting weaker, my chronic pain worsens, the flare ups when the air pressure changes are getting to the point that it can keep me off my feet when it happens.

I'm also aware of the fact that especially since moving up north that I don't have hardly any friends in real life within visiting range. I don't have people who can come over and hang out. Not only that, but I really can't deny how not having friends who will actually play with me, legitimately, actual play engagements, really does get me down more than I let on. Running around and having adventures and acting out fun elaborate stories like some sort of live action role playing isnt something I've actually gotten to do in a very very long time, because that's something most people grow out of incredibly quickly. I'm just sorta, starved for emotional stimulation, attention, and experiences. There really isn't a cure for this either.

Being stuck unable to mentally mature means that after a certain point socializing in a way that is natural for me becomes impossible. It's a very lonely experience and tbh it's made my depression a fair bit worse.

I also fear that me not getting access to medical attention is going to eventually mean i won't be able to at all and that it will be too late.

I'm just such an extremely lonely person, and I guess that's making the fact that I have a trauma disorder worse. Lack of mental stimulation means there's nothing to keep the voice of "hyperarousal" (stupid name for it but that's the official one) away.

I have trouble playing games and watching movies because my life just is so empty so much of the time that they're not enough to sedate how rabid my brain gets. I can't focus on things.

I'm sure I'm thinking so much about these things because my friend will be gone for a whole month and all that.

I got a large dog helium balloon that is very nice that I want to try to photograph. I am staring at it and it helps me feel better.

I keep thinking of how my birth mom is trying really hard to coerce me back there but I know I won't be healthy because she puts things above my personhood and safety. But the desire for parental affection is really strong.

I think first thing I need to get my friend to help me with when he gets back is to finally put me back on some sort of medicine for my disorder because although things weren't perfect back in like 2015 things felt easier to manage. But I think that was also because more things were going on in my life too.

I think it's that I know I should be making the nost of the time I have left but I'm incapable of doing things by myself.

My brain keeps beobg drawn back to the 90s where I can pretend I had a better childhood with better parents and everything appeared as if it was so much more simpler back then.

I'm sorry I've latched onto beanie babies so tightly that's just the biggest manifestation of that. I need too get back into the swing of drawing HoD fan art and scanning my traditional commissions but I'm realizing that I crave physical stimuli in life. The beanies are physical toys with more textile variation than copies of the game or digital stimuli. Its why I latch onto stuffed Whisky so much.

I think something that would really help would be to fix up vintage toy dogs and get them collars and stuff like that. I feel the failure with the baking soda upset me a bit too much.

I hope everything goes back to normal. I wish I could be self sufficient.

Also world news is very dark and depressing, bad people in the world, fears about the future of the websites I use, friends disappearing, me having to use a computer that isnt the best, just a bunch of factors that I guess tire me out.

My one friend says I need a vacation. Just the ability to go to one of those bright beaches with lots of sand and sit on a chair and drink iced tea and then play in the shallow water for a bit. That sort of thing. Not have to worry about money or anything. Just running around on the beach and having fun. I'm actually scared of the ocean and dont go swimming very much because of my pain but the cliche vacation still sounds very appealing. Just like going to Disneyland or going to Europe does. I wish I wasn't so blegh that I could go to water parks and stuff but that is very situational and health permitting. As is playing in snow. I'd like to go camping too.

Anyways, have a ded Andy.

Idk I'm going to try to sleep now. It's very hot here.

#text post #negative #long post