#i've just learned how to be alone

[lucky-clover-gazette]

adora really asked catra why she put up with the horde's abuse even though she was aware of it their entire lives and catra really answered that she didn't care as long as she and adora were in it together

#the way this show hits me honestly opens a door to my own psychology and trauma that i was relieved to close when it ended #i think so much of my negative feelings revolve around the fact that they like. end up happy and okay #that never happened for me #i've just learned how to be alone #bc i never ever want to care enough to be abandoned #ever again #that hasn't changed since 2018 which is sad #where the FUCK is my romantic person who actually likes me and wants me #like catra and adora both happening to be lesbians is so lucky bc when your adolescent best friend is a straight girl #it's a wound that never really heals you just live your life and hope one day #you get lucky

[secondbeatsongs]

rereading The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, and the dragon chapter is really like. wow. you fucked up a weird asshole of a kid is what you've done. look at him. he's got dysphoria.

#personal #sbs rambles #the chronicles of narnia #the voyage of the dawn treader #voyage of the dawn treader #eustace scrubb #he just! it really is like #you've given the kid dysphoria #to make him suffer and learn how to be a good person #and it works somehow #but he hates himself so much #the part where it says he's afraid to be alone with himself when he's a dragon #but he feels ashamed to be around the others #and he hates his reflection and the way his body feels #:( #look I know he sucked before then but like #poor kid #anyway apparently in rereading the narnia books all I've realized is that I sympathize a lot with the characters who were hurt the most #Edmund believing he's a traitor for his whole life #Eustace thinking the dragon thing was a good punishment for his behavior #Susan being left alone #apparently I can't be normal about all of this #but maybe that's for the best

[moonviewer]

"I will keep going forward, no matter how hopeless it might seem."

(please do not repost my art and just leave a link to it if you'd like to share instead, thank you!)

#shining nikki #sn nikki #my art #sn #nikkiverse #i drew this for an art contest #but i really drew it because i wanted to say something with its message #and because i needed a reason to paint something to practice my art style #lol #i tried to make it so even those who don't know its context could understand...at least a little bit #i've recently been watching Naoki Saito (an illustration advice youtube channel) and i've been wanting to try out the things i learned ther #this time i wanted to try conveying a concept/message just in 1 image alone #at first it was honestly more difficult than i thought i tried it for days #but nothing worked and when i finally did get the idea that became this drawing it was because i was thinking one night of how #nikki was someone who has failed thousands and thousands of times yet she never gave up #i admired that because i was thinking of how i just keep failing in my goals that night #that was when i thought i wanted to convey that strength that nikki has #that strength that i also wished to have #and that was when the concept just flowed to me like water so easily #isnt it strange that its only when i start to feel like theres something i want to say that i finally find the idea to express it #something so obvious that i don't even realize lol #for context this image is about someone who lived in a world operated by AI where all emotions and creativity are shut down and dominated b #AIs kinda like the current AI crisis in the art community #but this someone believed in a world with vivid color #and the heart that created such an imperfect yet beautiful world before AI dominated it #thats what i wanted to express #thanks for reading if anyone bothers reading my long rants lol :)

[easays]

maybe we're not there yet, but the Grief and Loss Dynamics in Worlds Beyond Number are so devastating

suvi's commitment to hierarchy and knowledge so clearly shows how a child will internalize grief and trauma as something that can be avoided, if only they can control things and know better

ame's light and sweetness so painfully feels like the kind of grief that you hold onto that tricks you into believing it won't hurt so bad if you just don't look backwards -- for all her commitment to both worlds, to honoring the past and forging the future, ame still walks through the world with more items anyone could conceivably carry so that she never has to leave anything (anyone) behind

and eursulon -- oh, baby, eursulon. eursulon reminds me so clearly of what grief and trauma does to the way someone moves in the world when they know, bone deep, that their own skin and their own fear are the only things they can count on -- that joy is a thing meant to leave and it's not something you can design your life around

I know it's just a podcast -- but I just...have a lot of feelings

#worlds beyond number #brennan lee mulligan #aabria iyengar #lou wilson #erika ishii #suvi “all i've made are hard decisions” kedberiket vs every door #ame #eursulon #do you think eursulon ever sleeps halfway out of windows just to try and capture that summer one more time? #does suvi (for a time) try to learn more about witches because she worries that she won't know how to keep grandmother wren and ame safe? #does she only stop when she realizes that learning more would require making a choice she can't make? #is ame carrying everything with the knowledge that you can't make amends with the world if you have nothing to offer #and she's not quite sure if she's enough to qualify just on her own? if she was enough then why would they leave? #I have a lot of feelings about this show I need to be left alone

[hikiclawd]

shout-out to the one person who'll either get a jump-scare or a heavy bout of nostalgia out of this pairing

#mysims #mysims (game) #sim: rob #sim: blaine #blaine mysims #rob mysims #art #my art #digital art #fan art #artwork #i went down a rabbit hole on deviant art can you tell #the jarrett twins and the melanated vampires they hang around... #if i ever manage to complete my fanfic. yall will see more of them . #also mel made the website for blaine lord knows he cannot work a computer let alone learn how to code #but it was also probably really shoddy and thats why rob thought it was a joke website #ok i've yapped toooo much #inbox is open yadda yadda bye #EDIT: this isnt a ship at least not like in the romantic sense #just ur usual bout of romantic tension that comes with being a vampires personal blood bank #OK. done.

[teplejtrouba]

my psychiatrist confirmed that i am in fact autistic

#all of my friends were like 'no really?!!! i had no idea“ listen i know we all know but i wanted to know For Sure #she's very 'aspergers' and 'you're going to learn how to make eye contact' about it because czech psychiatry is... well #but overall the other stuff she said checks out and im happy I don't have to live in constant self doubt anymore #now she's not completely sure i have adhd tho because my attention is mostly normal according to tests #but she's also not opposed to me having both like it's definitely still possible she just wants to focus on mainly treating my anxiety rn #she was like 'so it would make sense that you're living in social isolation' #me with most friends I've ever had in my entire life: :-) #i was like 'no i have friends they just all have adhd or autism too' #i mean i am still socially isolated. i oftentimes feel like other people are living behind a glass wall and i can't reach them #but i took it literally in the 'you are alone and no one talks to you' sense #anyway #i am disappointed none of my friends sent me 'náš auťák' from the czech Grease dubbing #i have many feelings about this but they are difficult to put into words so autism creature gift shall suffice

[storfulsten]

eaouuugh

#corpse husband #amongus #I guess #help me pls #I've forgotten how to draw people that aren't fnf shaped #iiidk brainron not wanting to leave me alone #I know it's just 2 unfinished things plus a weird bean thingamajig but eh #maybe I'm worried if I don't upload I'll procastinate and won't end up producing anything cause I know I won't finish these doodles #and I started to not like the previous corpse attempt much I guess bc the teeth were so lame #so more teeth for better or worse yeehaw #idk if there'll be more corpse art or not tbh maybe I should just doodle more beans cause then I can draw his cute lil friends aswell #like a green sykkuno bean and a red rae bean and the rest aswell maybe ahh the possibilities lol #cause I probably won't draw anyone else otherwise bc learning how to draw more actual people is too much dang effort tbh ha ah well #k will stop rambling about nothing now ok cool #so enjoy more amongus ish corpse attempts or do not it's whatever #among us #I draw what I want #feel free to ignore nws ha #more bombeep and regular stuff soon hopefully fingers crossed #stream 'Never Satisfied' on spotify bc idk good music and also yelling ha #anyways laters k bye

[fatedroses]

Poor Emmanellain sending this relatively new, silent, stoic adventurer off on a delivery only to realize its going to take twice as long as just delivering it himself.

Zenos gets to deal with both the pain of not being able use Aetherytes and being dramatically stubborn of doing a job he was given regardless of it.

#ffxiv #concept #fan art #sketch #adventurer zenos #zenos yae galvus #emmanellain de fortemps #sometimes i'm just occassionally blindsided remembering that these two are the same age #I might draw a scenario later of Emm taking in Zenos like Haurche does for us #travelling alone he actually starts to learn that its kinda nice helping people who dont put you on a pedestal #or jump to calling you a monster behind your back (*cough* Asahi and Varis *cough*) #Also Ali's words really just live rent free in his brain #in fact looking back to how I've worked on writing him #it might in fact be the only thing living in his brain at the moment #him being an adventurer is boiled down to 'if I do stuff for other people maybe i won't end up alone forever' #because I am still on the side that no matter how much he'll want to he's physically incapable of dying anymore #resonant/emet's experiments go brr

[dkettchen]

me waking up in a cold sweat at 6:20am: "I should get evening classes to be a hair dresser & training to be a makeup artist to be my own hair/make-up person on photo/video shoots and defy industry's single-gender-dominated-and-not-improving department segregation system like the all-rounder online creator that I am 👀😤"

#I swear I don't have adhd or anything I am just having a professional existential crisis recently x'D #ok but hear me out right like how useful would it be if people could hire someone who's a one-person videographer AND hair/make-up person! #I could like double my asking rate! #you need to do one before you can do the other anyway so why have two people for it #other than that the hair/make-up women don't specialise in photography #and the videographer lads have never touched a cosmetic product let alone knowing how to use it to any level let alone a professional one #AND I'd be able to offer hiring me as either role OR both at once #I'd have more options for jobs to apply to #and I'd have full control over the look I want from my subjects #cause like I do my own hair & make-up for my videos #like I know how to cut my own hair & do my own make-up #but I wanna learn how to do ANYONE'S!!! #and I know you can do hair dressing college evening classes cause I remember that was one of the other evening classes running while I was #doing my electrician's level 2 #and I know there's make-up training places in the city I've seen them before while I was looking up other things #if you do professional hair/make-up you need to take pictures of it for your portfolio anyway #and if you professionally take pictures of people you need to do their hair/make-up anyway to get the look you want #SO WHY NOT BOTH for any reason other than gender roles prohibiting the cishets from learning both skills to the required level!!! #THIS IS MY LEG UP #THIS IS MY QUEER NONBINARY TRANS ADVANTAGE #*evil manic laughter* #edit: and smth smth the thing where women & afab ppl don't do their skills to a professional level #unlike cishet men making everything their job and therefore succeeding professionally even in trad-female dominated skills/industries #hence I should LEARN my matr skills to the level required for professional stuff rather than limit myself to patr skills #that I have a disadvantage with due to cishet male-dominated nature of this industry/tech department #AND it'll give me an opportunity to message my detrans previous hairdresser (as I live too far away from her now) #being like 'u were one of my inspirations for this I also wanna learn how to cut mullets real good hope ur doing well T^T' x'D #AND I could apply to screenskills' trainee finder in another department in a few years regardless of whether or not I get in this year #(I applied to the camera one this year)

[running-in-the-dark]

.

#currently crying because I'm alone with my husband's 94 year old grandma and I'm the only one who ever lets her talk about certain topics #so she just talked about her childhood and youth for one and a half hours #which means. the war #I'm not gonna go into it but it makes me cry every time even though I've already heard it all before #how can you not cry about a child who lost two of her teenaged brothers and had to watch the third one very nearly die too #the stories about how careful they had to be because the police constantly went to every house and checked everything #how they had to hide some of the milk from their cows so they could make butter because they couldn't afford to buy it #and how dangerous that was. #idk I'm so tired of people dying over senseless and unnecessary shit forever and ever and nothing ever changes and no one ever seems #to learn from it #or at least the ones in power don't #as long as there's disposable people (men) to send to war it doesn't matter. and now that's not even necessary anymore you can just kill #people from far away and. I'm just tired #and I'll shut up now and not talk about these things again as usual. it's not because I don't care it's because it (literally) drives me #insane to think about it and I know it's weak and pathetic but I have to choose to stay just barely sane enough to stay alive #can't stop crying. 🙃 #anyway. shouldn't talk about it so. bye

[pyrriax]

6, 12, 30 for the writing asks ^_^

6. What’s the last line you wrote?

Shaking its head in what seems like disbelief before meeting his eyes again, almost like it wants to say something before it makes a noise like a growl, "oh, you're one of those seraphs, aren't you. A star-eater. No wonder you act like you've lost your mind."

(ignore that that's a couple sentences, the Thought is important)

12. Do you outline your fics?  If yes, how detailed are your outlines?  How far do you stray from them?

Oh yes! I outline my fics thoroughly. Though, I do allowed myself to deviate as much from the outline as I feel like when things go off the rails. Some snippets of planning from a couple fics & concepts:

My outlines are very... One for one. With some exceptions. I tend to basically write a very brief version of the fic and try to get the feelings and words right before I actually write it. This is... Also why it can and will take me a month to write a oneshot. I try to get things Right.

30. How much do you edit your fics?  Do you edit as you write or wait until you finish the first draft?

So! I edit them a bit? I edit while I work, but often I don't really touch anything I've already written unless it's something longer that might be taking a few months to get through. I think the fic I've edited the most is the prologue of Artificial Stars, which was originally a quickly written 2k oneshot into about 5k of actually decent fic.

Usually I don't edit to make something shorter/more concise, since I tend to only come up with more ways to bridge concepts when I go back to it. Also to be fair... There's usually no difference between first draft and final product. I cannot be asked to edit my fics after I write them, I just release them to the birds and pray for the best. (Unless I actually decide to show it to my beta reader in full instead of just sharing snippets as I... usually do.)

Conclusion: Rarely, those thangs are being given to the world as-is unless something is horrifically wrong with them

#ask a ghost #asker: solxr-planet #ask game #i get a little silly sometimes but also uhhhHH!! welcome to several things i havent posted about before #grey notes is an oc thing that will never be finished but i still have the line-by-line dialogue between two characters that is. #kind of how i plan dialogue? at least how i outline it. #i'm super picky with it and i plan stuff so much that you can usually tell pretty quickly when something isn't planned #ALSO! #scene titles! #nobody sees them ever but theyre there for me and me alone #usually theyre song lyrics or something i think is important to the concept but also other times theyre just kind of silly #“all the candy you can eat” is a song title from one of my favorite albums. #honestly i think this is the first time i've shared anything of my writing that is even remotely roshambo-centric #i am still learning how i want to write & characterize him so its a bit funky #haunted bookshelf #purely for the random stuff that's in there #also! i started breaking things up into scenes rather than just chapters and it helped a hell of a lot with my process #since it's easier to divide when there's a lot potentially happening in a chapter of something #or even just in a oneshot #my process is. definitely made for the way i write. i don't think i would ever recommend anybody do what i do with my fics #also yes i could actually just edit my plans and call that a fic because really that is the effort i put into them. #theoretically you could call my outline my first draft because really that is the way that it is

[izzy-b-hands]

every time. every time without fail, that i go on a Dethklok/Brendan's music overall binge as I have been lately. I find myself looking at my guitar like. If only i knew how. if only i could do it right. I could hold her and shred and have fun making music.

alas. my skills are too lacking*

*to clarify, I struggle to read music & learn by ear, but my memory also struggles with remembering chords/finger placements/tabs so even tho i can usually hear how a song should go enough to identify notes & whatnot, and can, with enough time spent noodling, eventually recreate it on guitar. That is not conducive nor useful in actually playing and getting better at it and makes it feel like an Impossible Task lmao.

#text post #tbh it probably is actually impossible bc like #i briefly got a few heavily discounted lessons re: voice guitar and piano w/my old hs choir teacher #and we had some heavy talks abt brains & things and #eventually he was like. u can *technically* play music and sing #ur voice is *unique* like tom waits or bob dylan (read: bad or considered bad by many at least lmao) but u CAN sing #and u can play piano & guitar *in theory* but not with enough understanding to get good at it #his concern kept coming back to my maths learning disability bc he thought that was also fucking up how my brain parses certain music things #and tbh? he's probably right lol #but still. i look to her my shining axe with strings in need of tuning but eager #and then i look away bc it's a nice dream. but im probably never going to be able to achieve any level of skill let alone mastery #I've tried so many times and my brain just can't keep all that info in & parse it all consistently. & it sucks but also it's ok #someday I'll pick her up again and attempt to play and let myself suck at it & b content with that #not today lmao but someday

[rayne-the-neutrois-nerd]

Out of curiosity, what kind of rituals do you do when it comes to reading your tarot cards? Cleansing, how you read/interpret them? Do you document your readings? I've been reading tarot for a little while but it's always just a fun little side thing where I shuffle cards, pull them, and use the book the deck came with to interpret them as best as possible. I do occasionally cleanse them, too, but I'm curious about your rituals?

Okay so one thing about me is that I suck at regularly cleansing my tools with like, other things. I know I should probably smoke cleanse them with some incense or moonlight or whatever, but I also have 15 decks total and man that's a lot of work and I also do not have the windowsill space for it. I also have... cats that like to jump up into said windowsills and will 100% knock them down.

Usually I just cleanse as I use them. My method is just putting them back in order and then doing a big shuffle. I do this weird way of shuffling that I made up because my hands are too small to shuffle normally. I'll include a video... gif... or something below but basically I like, hold them in one hand, loosely bring up cards with two fingers on my other, and keep doing that, switching between putting them right side and reversed into pile until I'm left with one card. I put it to the side. Then I pick up the big pile again and repeat. I only do this when getting them shuffled around when they're in order. It's time intensive but it puts that intention of "okay, be shuffled and ready for use" into it.

Heres a really bad video of me doing this:

I mostly just document my monthly readings because I've been lacking on keeping up my tarot practice, but if it's a big spread that I do, I'll usually at least write it on a piece of loose paper with the cards I drew, what the cards mean, and then a little like, summary of me piecing it all together.

With interpretations and meanings I do a few different things. I have a doc with like, a big mish-mash of all the meanings and such that I've read in books, online, etc. It's mostly just keywords though, but it's good if the deck I'm using didn't have a guidebook or if I think said guidebook sucks (I have one that has a sheet of paper that I absolutely hate the interpretations of). Usually though, I start by reading the guidebook that comes with the deck I'm using and that's the meaning I usually go with, though sometimes I don't feel the meanings really fit. Then I look at my big list of keywords and see if any of those really stand out to me for the card in the position in the spread. And if that doesn't work, or if my intuition is really screaming at me, I'll just look at the card, look at the imagery, take into account the suit, number, etc, and then see what words pop up then. Maybe it's a color that stands out and I'll think of words that work with that color, or its the mood on the figures face, etc.

Here, lemme do an example. This is the official D&D Tarot Deck licensed by WOTC (I bought it before I knew all the drama)

It's a shitty picture but this is this decks version of the 4 of Swords. The card is usually associated with rest and recouperation and I think this deck really shows this well in the D&D setting. They look like a group of travellers who are taking a short rest, which is perfect imagery for the card. I'd look at this and think "Okay for this part of the spread, imagine taking a short rest from it. Let a couple of those spell slots come back." Or if it's in a placement of things to avoid, it could mean be weary of resting for too long and getting too stagnant.

#Honestly it's just kinda looking at symbolism too and just seeing what feels right. #Same as feeling if your cards are cleansed. You'll be able to tell if they feel off or are giving you weird cards. #It's just vibes and doing what feels right to you #Yeah a lot of the cards have sorta universal meanings but one thing I've learned about witchcraft in general #is that you gotta put your own meanings into things. make it personal to you #long post #sorry this is so long i talk a lot and i also love tarot #I may reblog this with my monthly spread too to kinda show how I interweave the meanings of the cards to understand it better #because I think that's important in spreads. how do the cards interact with each other #because reading them as stand alones can be a little weird in some spreads

[aberooski]

The fact that I have the power to make Chazz and Atticus kiss and I have never done that is astounding.

#atty kisses him on the forehead in OUAD but that's it #they haven't like ~kissed~ kissed #but actually I kinda like that #saturday night is also the only thing I've written where they're actually together from the jump or even have talked about their feelings #and rereading it last night I've established canon lore for it in my mind that they're still only freshly dating #they're still learning how to be together romantically and atty is so contentious of boundaries #specifically chazz's boundaries #because let's be honest with ourselves #chazz has never had the luxury of having boundaries let alone having his boundaries respected. #they're BOTH learning what chazz's boundaries in any type of relationship are and yeah they take things slow #atty doesn't even want to share the bed with him initially because they never have and chazz is asleep so he can't ask him if- #-he would be comfortable with that. but then chazz tugs on his sleeve in his sleep to essentially unconsciously ask him to stay #and atty folds IMMEDIATELY and shares the bed with him #but even THEN he gets and extra blanket and sleeps on top of the covers #so yeah crazy I haven't had them ever kiss like on the lipssss but even just my reread of saturday night makes that completely- #make sense to me in my mind #I'm so unconsciously a genius 😭 #yugioh gx #yugioh gx fanfiction #chazz princeton #jun manjoume #atticus rhodes #fubuki tenjoin #stormshipping #abby's fanfic writer power hour

[thevegetablewhichnoonedaresname]

be careful you guys, there are sickos out there that memorize ciphers, alphabets, and writing systems for fun. and they LIKE it

#I'm sickos #that's actually a big part of the reason why I started learning japanese #I memorized the httyd runes and would practice writing in them when rtte was still airing #and i used to make up ciphers and stuff in church when i was little #i kinda thought i was more or less alone because in working with japanese learners i quickly discovered that most of them are like #nooo not three alphabets!!! or they're like i hate katakana! kanji is the bane of my existence!!! #and i was like yeah understandable i guess #but then when the linguistics/spanish professor started japanese 101 i asked her how the syllabaries were going #bc those are typically the first big obstacle people run into #but she very enthusiastically was like oh i love it!!! I've already memorized them all. here give me some words to write! #and she grabbed a piece of chalk #and i was like oh. she's a sicko. a freak for writing systems just like me #i should've guessed from the way she had the entire ipa memorized but i guess i just assumed that was a normal lingust thing #pickle pontificates #linguistics #japanese #i guess

[ratgirlcopia]

sometimes the greatest blow to the ego is recognizing that my ideal 100k canon compliant copia fic would be boring as all hell.

#copiaposting #real ones may remember the thing i started in. man i dunno. august? earlier? that has since been deleted from my ao3. #because i decided i disliked literally every part of it that related to the ministry having ANY sort of lore. #the ideal version of that really would have just been copia learning how to live alone and go grocery shopping. #and have a thing with that bear i made up. #but because the entire “why is this even happening” justification i came up with for it started to annoy me SO BAD i just had to scrap it. #the plan was to revisit it with a justification i liked better that had zero reliance on fanon nonsense i absorbed via osmosis. #but then i wrote conundrum (favorite fic i've ever written of All Time Ever) instead so no complaints there. #i think long form canon compliant copiafic just isn't in the cards for me but i do like putting out a random short gender fic occasionally.