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akvtsuki-ari · 4 years

Text

Sweetheart (Ch.1)

Warnings: Mentions of BDSM and bunch of other kinks but nothing sexual in this chapter lol. Sub!Spencer and Femdom!Reader

Length: 5.3k

Authors Note: this is hands down the most self-indulgent shit ive ever wrote but do i care? the answer is no dsjk but this that series i had planned where the reader introduces spencer to proper BDSM and all that. hoping to make this fic kinda informative also lol. also im uploading this fic on ao3 as well. also no tags for this fic bc its really specific and ill probably be writing for it for a while! sorry about that

Plot Summary: Spencer Reid just wanted to be.., well, you know. He doesn’t expect to find much when he signs up for a BDSM dating website but somehow he manages you and he couldn’t be more delighted

Spencer Reid was certainly a lot of things. He was a lover of the arts, someone who had a particular affinity for 15th-century literature, a magician at best, a theater nerd at worst, and a teacher when life called for it. He loves the world even when it's really dark and he loves sleeping in even more. He loves his friends and they love him too - even when they pretend that his random facts annoy them. Spencer Reid was a friend, an FBI agent, a genius with an IQ of 187, and a son to a mother he loves wholly. He was a lot of things and for the most part - he knew a lot about what he really loved to do. He supposed that it's been like that his whole life.

It's not everyday that he discovers something new about himself. About everything else? Always. He loves to learn, but about himself? There's never all that much on the frontier.

It's hard to say, because of that, when Spencer discovered he was a sub. It's difficult to pinpoint a specific time and place, or even how the pieces got put together. He just remembers how it felt when it hit him, like a freight train going 100 miles an hour into a concrete wall. Or a plane crashing onto an island. Or like a fly hitting the glass panes of a delivery truck. He remembers the feeling when he was deftly reminded of this fact. Spencer Reid was a sub - through and through and he wasn't really sure what to make of it.

Surprisingly to most of his direct peers, Spencer wasn't a virgin. He'd had sex with 2 people who he'd been kinda friends with at some point, but it always got a little weird after that. The second time though, the girl ended up choking him a little bit when she got off and Spencer thought he had died. Not in a bad way, more in a "I'm so turned on by this I feel like I've genuinely gone to heaven," sort of way. He didn't think it was possible for a sexual encounter to make him feel like that but it did. It didn't stop after that either, which was the most agitating part.

Spencer doesn't consider himself a sexual person. Sex is about intimacy and companionship, and hopefully love when he finds that someday. Sex isn't necessarily about pleasure but that wasn't an easy lesson to learn.

Spencer just wanted to understand - so like any great genius he participated in thought experiments. It's normally a female superhero/supervillain that crosses his mind (he has an affinity for Poison Ivy), and he just kinda imagines what it would be like if they did what she did. The choking turned him on, but it wasn't enough. Through that, he figures out that he had more than a choking kink and that he was more than a little interested in a partner having complete access to him. He thought about it for weeks and the getting off was working for him but he couldn't get the fantasy out of his head. He wanted more - he wanted someone to fulfill his wishes.

It was too much for him to ignore. Those months of being able to hold off through masturbating are over and he's just sorta itching. Aching to act on those impulses with another person who can give him what he needs, and he doesn't want it to be transactional. Maybe it's too ideal to want a partner out of such an endeavor but was it so wrong? To want real affection and romance from someone who could also overpower him wasn't a crime and he'd be damned if he pretended to want any less. Spencer was just searching, even if it was rather desperately.

So, when Spencer finds himself on a BDSM dating site and he feels like his life is in shambles, he can only blame himself. It's not something he'd normally do but he's getting a little more than relentless about it but he also just wants to see what's out there. He's so out of it was it happens, it felt like he was being possessed as he made a fake email and wrote out his account information. Definitely blaming it on possession, he thinks.

It's too late to go back, as he scrolls through tons of profiles of rather intense looking people. He's not surprised, this is where people go to express themselves. They're entitled to that, it just sucks since he's just not ready for such levels of intensity. He wonders if he's in too deep yet, but he figures he'd hit that mark a long time ago and keeps scrolling through profiles. There wasn't much to go off of, many people not choosing to use photos for the sake of anonymity, which was good for Spencer. He clicks onto his own profile, reading his own bio carefully.

USERNAME: DOC187

SUB/ SWITCH / DOM

M / F / O

FETISHES: N/A

BIO: Interest in a dominant female companion. Completely inexperienced.

Spencer feels ridiculous, but he doubts anyone would even message him. He doesn't have much on his profile and he keeps things short for that purpose. He wanted to stay as low to the ground as possible - more curious to explore what was going in the world than to find anything legitimate. He scrolls through hundreds of profiles, mostly of people who were BDSM vets looking for new connections or fun. Some people catch his eye but they don't match his interests so he doesn't bother.

Except, one profile. The bio was beyond interesting to Spencer.

USERNAME: MISS—LILAC

SUB / SWITCH / DOM

M / F / O

FETISHES: Sadomasochist, Degradation, Humiliation, Pegging, Overstimulation, Edging, Crossdressing, Exhibitionism, Mutual Masturbation, Dacryphilia, Shibari/Gags/Bondage, Wax Play, Impact Play, Breath Play, General Sensation Play, Discipline, Collaring, Begging. Willing to try most things.

BIO: Interested in submissive males of any experience level. Helps if you're interesting and like to read and watch indie films. Looking for genuine connection and plenty of good banter. Curly hair is nice too. lol.

Before Spencer can think about it for too long his mouse clicks over that stupid little message button next to your profile. Spencer shakes his head at his own existence as he types you a message. Says you're online right now, but Spencer's sure he won't get a response for a while.

DOC187: Seems I fit who you're interested in. I even have the curly hair.

Spencer chews on his nails anxiously before he sighs at himself. He has no clue what's gotten into him belle before he can think he sees your 3-dotted bubble pop up. He feels his body wracked with nerves.

MISS—LILAC: I'm guessing you like to read and watch indie films too?

Spencer smiles. You seem interesting and the fact that the two of you were just talking normal was making Spencer happy.

DOC187: Indeed. I'm a sucker for 15-century literature and anything in Russian and foreign language. You?

MISS—LILAC: 15th century huh? I'll assume Chaucer. And Russian? You're interesting, doc. I'm more modern and English, hope you're not deterred.

Spencer smiles, surprised that you recognize an author as niche as Chaucer. He shakes his head at your commentary. He almost forgets that both of you are on a BDSM dating site and the irony doesn't escape him.

DOC187: Deterred? Never. I think you're rather interesting too, Miss Lilac.

MISS—LILAC: Ever the gentleman doc. I'm hoping you won't run away if I ask you more personal questions.

Spencer swallows. He types back quickly.

DOC187: What kinds of questions?

MISS—LILAC: If it's okay, you're real name and what you do. My names Y/N, and I'm a florist. I live in DC and I love romance novels.

Spencer smiles. He appreciates you laying down the path for him, knowing the stakes.

DOC187: My names Spencer and I work for the FBI. I also live in DC, and I love magic.

MISS—LILAC: Magic? I'd love for you to show me sometime.

Spencer swallows. Part of him feels like it's a stupid idea to ask you out so early but if you asked, he'd likely say yes. He decides to wait it out.

DOC187: I'd be more than happy to show you.

MISS—LILAC: I suppose you could send me a video but that's not the same as seeing the magic in real life, now is it?

Spencer is smiling like an idiot at this point. He shakes his head a little, jittery.

DOC187: Infinitely better live, I would say.

MISS—LILAC: Seems like I've found an excuse to ask you on a date then. Saturday's work for me but I'm sure it depends on you, FBI man. Before that, I'm gonna drop my number and I'll be expecting your call. (XXX-XXX-XXXX)

Spencer giggles. It's a little out of range for things he's used to doing, giggling aloud for someone else is certainly new. Spencer picks up his phone and dials away, anxious to call you but excited nonetheless. He heard you pick up the phone and his heart catches in his throat.

"Hello?," Your voice is smooth, and a little bit lower than he was expecting. It sounds pretty.

"Hello, Y/N," Spencer says back. He heard you laugh on the other side and can't help the way his heart flutters.

"Lovely to talk to you doc,"

"Still Doc? Not Spencer?" Spencer questions. You smile on the other side of the line.

"Doc seems to fit you. But, for the sake of formality, hello Spencer,"

"I like Doc too, but it feels like I should have a nickname for you as well. Only seems fair," Spencer says laughing quietly.

"If it's your prerogative you can call me Miss Lilac, or just Miss but..." you trail off for a minute. Spencer squints.

"Miss is a title, you know? Doesn't seem fair for you to call me that when I haven't earned it from you yet. I'm sure we'll get there but for now you can just call me Y/N," you say softly. Spencer blushes bright red, his voice betraying him as he speaks.

"O-Oh, well um - where does the name Lilac come from? Normally people go with their names when it comes to stuff like that," Spencer says shyly. He heard you laugh on the other side of the phone and blushes again, grateful you can't see him.

"I love the language of flowers and flowers themselves. It's a way to speak that not many people know - but I like the meaning and look of lilacs. White lilacs represent purity, so that was a bit of irony, but light purple lilacs mean first love," you say carefully.

"First love?," Spencer asks. You bite your lip for a moment.

"I joke that BDSM is my first love since it's such a big part of my life. Not as big as some but not small for certain. It gave me much needed confidence so I joke that it was my first," You say lightly. You hear Spencer giggle on the other side and you smile.

"What about your username? Any significance to DOC187 that I should know of?," you readjust your seat on your couch as you talk. Spencer grows a bit embarrassed.

"I normally introduce myself as Doctor Spencer Reid for work, not a medical doctor but I have three PhD's," Spencer admits. You raise your brows but hear the hesitation in his voice.

"Very, very impressive doc. What about the 187? It could be a plain ol' number but my guess would be otherwise,"

"That's my IQ, actually. I don't think intelligence can be boiled down and quantified like that but I couldn't think of anything else," Spencer explains.

"So you're a certified genius with 3 PhD's? To say I'm impressed is an understatement. Anything else impressive you'd like to tell me before I totally pick your brains," you say a little shocked.

"You wanna pick my brains?," Spencer asks. You wanna laugh at the irony of such a silly question from such an intelligent man but you refrain.

"Who wouldn't?," you say incredulously. Spencer smiles shyly.

"The only other thing is that I can read 20,000 words per minute," Spencer says trying to deflect. Your jaw dropped before but it manages to unhinge a little further.

"There's a lot to get to know about you Doctor Reid,"

"I'm sure it's the same for you," Spencer replies.

"Guess we'll have to find out won't we?," you say smiling.

Damn, Spencer got lucky. Hopefully he'd get to find out soon

_____

"Reid, are you listening?," Derek's voice snaps Spencer out of his entranced state. His smiling expression snaps up to look at Derek who looks a little exasperated.

"Sorry, what was that?," Spencer asks back. Derek puts down the case file they were working on. They had just finished a case and needed to complete some paperwork before submitting it for review and to be used in court. The job was given to him and Morgan and Spencer was evidently distracted.

"Alright, kid - what is up with you? All case you've been checking your phone non-stop and spacing out, all smiles and giggles. C'mon now kid, seriously. You got a little lady at home waiting for you or is there something else I don't know about?," Derek interrogates. Spencer doesn't really know what to make of it, though it's not really in his interest to hide you, it hasn't really come up with anyone on the team yet so it was proving difficult to decide what to do. The smile on his face manages to appear again as he starts to think about you, the tips of his ears red.

"Reid," Morgan says again, with a small look of irritation.

"Her names Y/N," Spencer blurts out faster than he can't think. Derek gives him a huge grin, holding his hand out to dap Spencer up. Spencer just looks at it confused for a second before getting the memo.

"'My man," Derek says chuckling. Before Spencer can continue Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia walk in. Hotch is the only one missing, and Spencer's a little grateful.

"What are we celebrating in here you guys?," Prentiss asks first. Spencer goes to say something to move away from his sudden confession but Derek is quick to cut him off.

"Our boy genius over here got him a little lady," Derek announces. The whole team erupts in questions and Spencer wants to bury himself.

"Congratulations, Spencer!! How long have you two been dating?," Prentiss asks.

"You guys are so dramatic. It's only been two months but no first date because well..." Spencer trails off. JJ just nods her head.

"Duty calls, I'm guessing" JJ finishes. Spencer nods deflated hearing Emily draw a breath between her teeth.

"That's tough, Spence,"

Just as Spencer goes to give a response back he gets a text from you that makes his day a little better. It's a selfie of you at work, a picture your employee must've taken of you in a room full of new flower deliveries. You're giving Spencer a toothy grin as you hold a bunch of gardenias in your hand.

Y/N 🌸: *image attachment*

Gardenias// You're lovely + Secret Love <33

Spencer cannot control the way his whole face bunches up in a smile, as if there's no one else in the room with him. Everyone just looks at him surprised, Garcia giving him a side-eye.

"How can you guys trust this stranger? We don't even know who she is! I haven't even run any background checks on her," Garcia complains. Prentiss nudges her side.

"I don't know if it matters - look at how hard he's smiling over there," Prentiss says. Garcia reluctantly looks and can't help but sigh.

"Okay well he seems really happy but still! We don't even know her," she pouts.

"I'm sure we'll meet her soon," JJ snickers at Spencer's lovestruck expression. Derek leans over Spencer's shoulder and raises his brows.

"Is that her, kid?," Derek asks. Spencer nods, simply staring at the picture you sent. Derek whistles when he sees you - you're genuinely stunning and he's surprised to say the least.

"Hot mama, pretty boy - how'd you manage that?," Derek asks, dumbfounded. Emily rolls her eyes.

"C'mon Derek, I'm sure - oh wow," Emily leans over Spencer's shoulder to see you and is met with the same reaction. JJ and Garcia are quick to follow thereafter, both looking equally as surprised.

"She's..." JJ trails off. The rest of the team just nods as Spencer grins ear to ear.

Spencer 🐻: Beautiful, as always.

Spencer ignores the rest of the team as they look at each other in disbelief.

Y/N🌸: Me or the flowers, Doc?

Spencer🐻: Both, but mostly you.

"Wow, Spencer you're really -" Prentiss starts

"You're whipped, kid. I mean seriously whipped," Derek finishes, nodding in agreement. JJ can't help but smile, giving Spencer a small pat on the back.

"She seems lovely, Spencer. How'd you two meet?," JJ says. Garcia stands around looking rather suspicious. A blush creeps onto Spencer's neck as he's reminded of how you two met.

"Online," Spencer says shortly. No one decides to question it, and Spencer thanks every god he can think of.

"Have you two FaceTimed yet? How can we know she's not, I don't know - catfishing you? Or scamming you in some other cyber criminal way?," Garcia sounds distressed. Spencer gives a small smile.

"We fall asleep over FaceTime every night," Spencer admits. Penelope's expression falls, and Prentiss gives a smile.

"That is disgustingly cute," JJ says laughing.

"Okay, well - I'm still running a background check on her," Garcia says stubbornly "But, I'm happy for you,"

"Thanks Garcia," Spencer mumbles out as he texts you again.

Y/N🌸: I wanna see you, love

Spencer blushes red as he reads your message. The word love makes his whole face hot.

Spencer🐻: I can't take a selfie for my life

Y/N🌸: You're with your team aren't you? Get them to take a picture of you.

Spencer wants to fold away, not ever really being the picture type, but how could he ever deny you.

Spencer🐻: How could I ever say no to you?

"Hey guys, can one of you take a picture of me for Y/N?" Spencer asks embarrassingly red. The whole team sends him a look of surprise.

"I'll take it Spence, try not to look as uncomfortable as you do right now," JJ says. The whole team refrains from laughing as Spencer gives an awkward smile. He thanks JJ who hands him back his phone before texting you again.

Spencer🐻: *image attachment* You owe me one

Y/N🌸: you're stunning as always. hadn't seen you in so long I almost forgot what you looked like.

Spencer🐻: stunnings an interesting choice of words.

Y/N🌸: I said what I said, doc.

Spencer can't help but do a little giggle, that causes the whole team to give him a look. Morgan just shakes his head, shrugging. Emily, JJ, and Garcia just look at each other before the room draws into a subtle but comfortable silence as Spencer just smiles, totally unaware of how whipped he happened to look. He didn’t seem to mind either way.

___

"How was work?," Spencer asks over the phone, kicking his shoes off as he looks into his fridge for something to eat. He hears you sigh on the other side of the line.

"Busy today - wedding season is coming up so tons of calls for centerpiece designs and costs. It's going well though, business couldn't be better," you say, clearly tired yet content. Spencer gives a small smile and feels relieved that things are going okay for you.

"That's really good. I'm glad you're feeling alright," Spencer replies. You ease into the couch as you talk to Spencer, relaxing by the second.

"What about you, FBI man? You have an okay day?," Your voice is full of a gentle concern that Spencer appreciates.

"Yeah, just paperwork and JJ said that we shouldn't have any upcoming cases this week to be worried about so I have the weekend off," Spencer says without thought.

"Have any special plans for the weekend?," you say cheekily. Spencer, still not having caught on, shakes his head for a second.

"No, why?,"

"Hm... well - would you like to go on a date with me then Doctor Reid?," You ask, giggling. Spencer's eyes widen in realization as he facepalms for a moment.

"Wow, I didn't even think... yes - yes I would love to go on a date with you Y/N," Spencer says laughing at his own misfortune. You shake your head instinctively, but the growing smile and even further growing adoration makes it hard to sit still.

"Hey, Spencer," you say, butterflies filling your stomach.

"Yeah?"

"I really like you,"

____

Saturday comes quicker than Spencer can really understand. You told him not to worry about what the days plans would be but he can't help it. Anxiously awaiting you in front of the cafe that the two of you were supposed to meet at, in a part of town Spencer hasn't really seen before. You said that you'd lead the way and the irony isn't lost on him.

"Spencer?," Your voice is small, as you call out to what you think is Spencer Reid. Of course, you'd seen him before but to see him in person like this was still so unfamiliar. His head shoots up, eyes searching for you. He's delighted to have found you, certainly that was true as he walks towards you. Your arms envelop him in a friendly hug and he can't help but find himself sinking into. You smelled sweet, like fruit and flowers (which makes sense, the more he thinks about it)

"Lovely to finally meet you, Y/N,"

"Same goes for you, doc. Would you like to be informed of our plans for the day, or do you prefer the element of surprise?," You ask smiling. Spencer laughs at your question.

"Details would be appreciated, but I get the feeling you're not gonna give me those."

"You're right! It's a trick question, since it's a surprise. But, promise it'll be good,"

"I'll take your word for it then," Spencer says with a small smile. You hold your hand out for Spencer which he accepts, locking his hands with yours. The affection makes him feel full of warmth, as you lead him away for the day you had planned for the both of you.

___

Spencer underestimated how well you knew him. He really, really did. It's hard to explain since Spencers been on a date before but this was so profoundly different. He's a little touched, but beyond that he's just.. surprised? Every date he'd been on before this, he'd have to play the gentleman but it never seemed like the other person was interested in just him. It was always casual small-talk over dinner, or a mid-day coffee date or something else that just felt mundane but this was beyond Spencer's imagination.

The first place you took him was a bookstore - which was in Spencers mind already a winner for best date he'd ever been on. You walked inside with him and told him he had to pick up a book for you and you had to pick up a book for him and to say his heart absolutely fluttered would be an understatement. He picked up up a copy of "The Screwtape Tales," by C.S. Lewis for you, and you gave him a copy of Shel Silverstein's "Where The Sidewalk Ends." For you, you got a glimpse to see what Spencer's sense of humor was and you gave Spencer a piece of your childhood. Both equal but opposite forms of intimacy. The only thing was Spencer had to wait to read his book because it's relatively shorter than yours and he reads 20,000 words per minute.

The next place you took Spencer was an indoor butterfly garden. Does he have to explain why that's a good date? He heard you talk about all the scientific names for the different flowers and why they attract butterflies and he wasn't sure he could crush any harder on you if he tried. A particular moment sticks out to him on which a butterfly landed on your shoulders and just stayed there like it didn't want to leave. Spencer's eyes were fixated on it the whole time - and he had never wanted to be a butterfly in his life before but he figures there's a first time for everything.

The last place, where the both of you were at now was just a small coffee shop, locally owned and supported by the community here. You told Spencer that when you started up your shop, you'd come in here to work on big orders before you'd expanded enough to have employees. Spencer admires your work ethic, much more than he could ever anticipate as he sits down at a small booth, totally covering the both of you as you return to the table with a little plate of banana bread and two iced coffees. Spencer pouts as he looks up at you, watching you flash him a grin.

"I could've helped you carry this over," Spencer complains gently. You roll your eyes.

"Maybe next time doc," you say softly. You hold back your commentary often on the date, and Spencer pretends not to notice for your sake but he'd be lying if he said he didn't wanna know. You always had something sly to say but you'd kept it from him so many times now he figures it's better if he didn't ask.

Spencer looks at you as you push a plate of banana bread towards him. He looks at you with curious eyes before reading your clearly excited face and laughs. He picks up a piece and examines it, before taking a bite. If it tasted as good as it smelled then he would be more than obliged.

The involuntary moan that escapes Spencer's throat makes you choke with laughter. Shit, you weren't kidding when you said this was the best banana bread in the city. Spencer just looks up at you like he's about to cry with joy as you double over in giggles.

"I know," You say softly, taking a bite yourself eyes filling with joy "I ordered some more for us to take home - you're welcome," you say with confidence. Spencer smiles because that is genuinely thoughtful, but it was more endearing to see you pretend it wasn't. He just shakes his head, a blush arising to his face as he looks at you. You're staring at him with intent. He quirks his brow at you in question.

"I had a good time today, Spencer" You say warmly. You only called him Spencer when you were saying something affectionate and a bit serious. He gives you a toothy smile.

"I haven't been on very many dates, but this was easily the best one I'd ever been on," Spencer says honestly. You grin ear to ear, hands carefully holding Spencer across the table, running your thumb over his knuckles for a few seconds. You couldn't say for sure whether it was too soon to ask him to be your boyfriend, but you'd be damned if you said it didn't cross your mind.

Spencer was mind-numbingly unaware of what good boyfriend material he was, but beyond that - what good submissive boyfriend material he was. It was driving you nuts, but you knew this was all new for him and you didn't wanna freak him out. Even when guys say they're interested in being submissive, they're still often times uncomfortable with you being fully dominant. Dominant in public and in bed, if you will. You wanted to pay for dates, and buy him flowers, and make him feel special too - at least on the occasion. That role came naturally to you, that let me make you feel owned type affection that only a dominant person can give. It scared men off - out of relationships, and you totally got why - but you liked Spencer too much as a person to risk iit.

Spencer holds your hands together, gathering your attention. You looked at him spaced out and he gives you a look of concern.

"You okay?," Spencer asks. You nod, chewing your lip in debate of whether or not you should express your concerns. Spencer just tugs on your hand and looks at you intently.

You sigh, looking at Spencer softly.

"I'm okay I just really like you," you say a little exasperated. Spencer laughs but is filled with relief.

"I'm glad to hear that. What else is on your mind?,"

"I really like you - like in an, I want you to officially by my boyfriend way and I hope it's not too soon but I'm just, worried I guess," you say nervously. Spencer can't help the way his heart beats in his chest when he hears you say boyfriend. God did he want to be your boyfriend.

"What're you worried about?,"

"I'm worried about freaking you out. I can be a lot since I'm... you know?," You say nervously. Spencer looks at you to continue.

"I'm more than just dominant in bed, and for a lot of guys it's not their thing and that's their right but I like you so much. I really don't want that to happen if I ask you out now and you realize that it's not for you," you say in clear upset.

Spencer looks at you in disbelief. You were worried that he was gonna freak out over that? That you were too dominant for him? It feels like such a silly concern but the expression on your face tells him you're speaking from experience.

"I mean, it's all kinda new to me but, well - I do like how you treat me? It's a nice change, I can't imagine myself getting tired of it, or of you. I really like you too," Spencer tried his best to reassure you without totally embarrassing you. You smiles at Spencer but your face is still full of doubt.

"If that ever changes, I'll tell you but I'd really like to call you my girlfriend," Spencer finishes. You can't help the warmth that spreads in your stomach at the offer. You just nod, looking up at him. You stand and walk to Spencer's side of the booth, sliding in next to him, leaning your head into his shoulder for a few while seconds. You sit back up, and Spencer turns to you.

"Hey, doc," you say softly. Spencer hums in acknowledgement.

"Can I kiss you?," you ask softly. Spencer chews his lip and nods, looking down at your lip. You're wearing lipgloss and it makes them look pretty - you are so pretty to Spencer.

Kisses are their own language, Spencer figures. The way someone kisses you can tell you a lot about who they are - so, when you put your hands on the side of Spencer's face, pulling him closer to you with such care and adoration - Spencer can feel what you were referencing earlier. The word Miss rings out in his mind, the way you pay attention to him with your hands. He feels your lips press against his, slowly gliding your fingers in his hair, thumb brushing agains the side of his cheek. Your other hand rested on his inner thigh and he has to think about anything other than that not to get hard. Spencer didn't get how much he'd been thinking about touching you until you'd do with no hesitation and he lets out a small whine. You pull back and Spencer has to catch his breath.

His lashes blink up at you and you're absolutely beaming.

"You're cute baby,"

Baby? Spencer wants to cover his face when you say it. You kiss him again and he can't help but feel flush.

You were Spencer's girlfriend and then some and he couldn't be more happy.

#spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid smut #spencer reid angst #spencer reid oneshot #spencer x y/n #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #Criminal Minds #criminal minds smut #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x y/n #sub!spencer #sub!spencer reid #so nervous abt uploading this lol

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bloopbyoop · 3 years

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weep woop

ayo. ive read my scheduled email and its time for freewriting shit again. lmao. I want this post to be like a small light from a lit match stick inside a very hollow, icy, and numbing cave. (sounds cartoonish right? I know. Im obsessed with Adventure Time.) I want all people to be genuinely happy. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Upon reaching my 24th anniversary in this world, I finally learned how to truly embrace all my emotions. Some are more overwhelming than the other, but we have to heed in our treacherous yet perplexing minds that everything is fleeting and we are in control. The feeling of extreme sadness fades, but so does joyful states. Everything can change in a matter of minutes or years. You are in control of all your emotions. You are in control of all your life choices. Your actions. Your words. Your perspective. It feels weird to actually write about it. I've wanted to talk about it. I never wanted help from anyone as I firmly believed that I was alone. Sure, I have a family and friends, but it is hard to see that when your head is clouded with negativity. I've even come to the point where I was too overwhelmed, I found being physically hurt less painful. The pain I felt distracted me from what I was thinking. My mind tended to go bonkers. lmao. But bro, I was so good at concealing my bonkers mind. It's easy to fake any emotion that you have. Slap anything sunshine-y or happy to anything and people would believe you. It went on for years. Long story short, thousands of bracelets collected, it became worse. The physical pain could no longer withhold the emotional pain. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop thinking. And voila! I found a good amount of self help books (from tumblr) and novels. Novels that brought me to different places. Self-help books that made me understand what I feel and what to do. I've read that taking the easy way out will leave everyone sad. AND IN THE FIRST PLACEEEEEE, I NEVER WANT THATTTTTTT. I want everyone to be happy. I would act foolish and do dumb shit to make everyone happy in a heartbeat. So, that idea made me push a few more years. Later on, the crippling shit came crawling back again to my head, sooooooo I needed new shit to keep me distracted again. Films, series, music, and short clips from YouTube helped me out a lot. Every single time that my mind is going to think like anything that can think of, even to the point that I was just going to think that I might be hungry, I'd watch something. There's just something about silence for me. Because of this new habit of mine, I've learned more about myself. I love different types of things. I like horror. I like thriller. I like comedy. I like romance. I love all types of films, but there is something about the horror genre that interests me. I still can't point out what, but I love watching horror films. With regards to music, I've learned that I love Indie, Punk Rock, Rap, and Pop. We all can't like a specific genre. It's stupid to ask "what genre of music do you like?". It's not actually stupid-stupid, it's just stupid. Ya know? Anyway, passing this phase, I needed to find something again because it's not doing the shit that it was supposed to, I tried investing more time on video games. By investing more, I mean a whole shit lot. I love video games since I was young cuz.... u know.... they keep u... try to guess it! oh yeah. you got that right! distracted! I love the aggressive plays and trashtalks that my friends and I make. The short stories we tell one another. The rants. The lame jokes. The late night we sound drunk but we are not drunk jokes. The roleplays. The lame jokes. The memes. And once again, The lame jokes. Something about lame jokes and the laughs and curses after that always gets me every single time. Oh shoot. Yup Yup. Few years later, I finally noticed the pattern that my sadness is temporary. I got over it one way or the other (or another. depends on how you wanna read it. i dont wanna say another cause i might write about one direction like what im doing now so-). Happiness is temporary as well. But, we are the ones who are actually in control of our emotions. If you wanna feel sad, be sad for a while. You're getting too sad? Try hanging out with your funny friends. Can't do that? Find an alternative. Watch a movie, knit a sweater. Anything your mind could think of as long as it will keep you mentally distracted from being physically and mentally hurt. I do have a few notes though. We cannot and should never assume what people are going through. It may be petty for you, but it may be very crucial to them. So never everrrr say things like: -Some people have it worse than you -At least you have ..... These sheetsss are annoying as heckkk and could really down someone. I know it is not your intention to annoy but people react differently. alsooooooo, it is not okay or normal to hate on things for bandwagon. that is just plainly crazy and stupid. let people enjoy things. anddddddd never suppress your emotions. admit what you feel inside and try to think of a way to resolve ittttt. keeping it to yourself will just make it worseeeeee. find your own outlettttttttt. hihihi ️ alsooooo. being more spiritually full with God's words and ideas really help me to be spiritually happy. ps. im christian but i dont discredit other religion and even applaud other religion's ideas and beliefs. this is a really long, selfish post so i might as well recommend some things I like : Songs with their lyrics that made me go through life. “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” -All These Things That I've Done, The Killers “It's not too late, I'm still right here” -Breaking Your Own Heart, Kelly Clarkson "And the salt in my wounds / Isn't burning any more than it used to / It's not that I don't feel the pain / It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore / And the blood in these veins / Isn't pumping any less than it ever has / And that's the hope I have / The only thing I know that's keeping me alive" -Last Hope, Paramore “There is not a single word in the whole world / That could describe the hurt / The dullest knife just sawing back and forth / And ripping through the softest skin there ever was / How were you to know?” -Hate to See Your Heartbreak, Paramore "It's holding on, though the road's long / And seeing light in the darkest things And when you stare at your reflection / Finally knowing who it is / I know that you'll thank God you did" -1800, Logic "Did some things you can't speak of / But at night you live it all again / You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now / If only you had seen what you know now then" -Innocent, Taylor Swift (My bb) "10 months sober, I must admit / Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it / 10 months older, I won't give in / Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it // Rain came pouring down when I was drowning / That's when I could finally breathe / And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean" -Clean, Taylor Swift “I guess I always knew / That I had all the strength to make it through.” -Believe in Me, Demi Lovato "I'm addicted to the madness / I'm a daughter of the sadness / I've been here too many times before / Been abandoned and I'm scared now / I can't handle another fallout / I am fragile, just washed upon the shore / They forget me, don't see me / When they love me, they leave me" -I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, Demi Lovato “I'm overwhelmed / I need a voice to echo / I need a light to take me home / I need a star to follow / I don't know” -Nightingale, Demi Lovato "I'm a walking travesty / But I'm smiling at everything. // Arrogant boy, Love yourself so no one has to." -Therapy, All Time Low "I tried it once before but I didn't get too far / I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart. / But maybe I'm alive 'cause I didn't really wanna die / But nothing very special ever happens in my life / Take the blade away from me I am a freak, I am afraid that / All the blood escaping me won't end the pain / And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me / I died to be the white ghost / Of the man that I was meant to be" -Ghost, Badflower "Are the pieces of you / In the pieces of me? / I'm just so scared / You're who I'll be / When I erupt / Just like you do / They look at me / Like I look at you" -DNA, Lia Marie Johnson Movies and series to try : -The Perks of Being a Wallflower (The book is bomb af. if yall havent tried, ur missing out) -The Kings of Summer -Never Let Me Go -The Art of Getting By -Silver Linings Playbook -Winter’s Bone -The Lovely Bones (The script. The words) -Me and Earl and the Dying Girl -American Horror Story -Black Swan

pps. remember that every one has their own pace and point of view. don’t push yourself too hard, and don’t overthink. give yourself time, and respect all your emotions. analyze them but not more than like 5 minutes as anything beyond that might cause you to overthink and be sadder. and sad is not rad. hehe. you got this. you got you. self love is the best even though it can be tricky to do. nobody else is like you. you’re the only one of you (i just remembered me.......... i might have hummed it while typing it mid sentence). consider other people’s opinion but do not let it cloud your own judgement as you know yourself best. dont let other comment’s define you. spread love. vibe people you vibe with. ayeeee lets go!!!

ppps this is my last post bc im happier now and know myself better. i no longer limit myself on the age that I want. I want to live as long as how God wants me to be. hehe.

x :D

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aj521z · 4 years

Note

EVERY SINGLE QUESTION! ANSWER THEM NOW K PLZ TKS

(I HATE YOU MA’AM)

1. What is you middle name? - Crackhead

2. How old are you? - apprx 8

3. When is your birthday? - April 7

4. What is your zodiac sign? - Dumb bitchasaurus

5. What is your favorite color? - Blue. Like turquoise/aqua

6. What’s your lucky number? - I have no luck Im gay

7. Do you have any pets? - 2 beautiful fucking dogs that the loml and I die for them immediately and kill everyone to defend them. Also a cat who is a wack boy

8. Where are you from? - SoCal

9. How tall are you? - 5′7

10. What shoe size are you? - 10-11 (lol big feets)

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? - probably like 10 and they’re all converse

12. What was your last dream about? - sleep paralysis shadow demon(:

13. What talents do you have? - falling for girls who leave me

14. Are you psychic in any way? - No im an oblivious fucking fool

15. Favorite song? - I have 69420 (two that have a VERY special place in my heart though in memory of my little brother are “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd (his fave song) and “Since I’ve Been Loving You” Led Zeppelin <3

16. Favorite movie? - oooooofff The Lion King is fave disney. Star wars and LOTR are some of my faves

17. Who would be your ideal partner? - Christen Press (only requirement must love dogs)

18. Do you want children? - Pending, but yes dog children

19. Do you want a church wedding? - LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

20. Are you religious? - yes @tobinheats-me-up and I have our own religion, bless JVN

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? - YES YIKE im an injury mess

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? - I got chased by the popo but escaped HAHAHAHHA

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? - Lindsey Horan and CP hello ma’ams

24. Baths or showers? - Showers I dont have time move im gay

25. What color socks are you wearing? - none hahaha

26. Have you ever been famous? - Im famous for being a stupid ass clown

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? - fuck no ( @frankarnstein said “no not even a smol” and im dead)

28. What type of music do you like? - mmmm mostly everything but especially rock (indie, classic, industrial, punk, grunge, folk, all of it)

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? - yes 💀

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? - one to two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? - back or side I toss and turn bc I have anxiety lol

32. How big is your house? - I live here so infinite abyss

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? - usually fruit and eggs

34. Have you ever fired a gun? - yes once at a shooting range

35. Have you ever tried archery? - yes! my aunt actually competes and she taught me hahahha

36. Favorite clean word? - gay and yikes

37. Favorite swear word? - fuck

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? - 78 hours i hallucinated

39. Do you have any scars? - too many hahaha physically and emotionally

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? - soranon (only OGs will remember hahahaha)

41. Are you a good liar? - Depends, but usually no hahahah

42. Are you a good judge of character? - I thought I was but I dont know anymore tbh. Ppl are unpredictable

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? - Yes ask @hvafaenerdette I love accents ahahahah

44. Do you have a strong accent? - I’ve been told by internationals that i have a strong american accent but idk ahahaha

45. What is your favorite accent? - Tobin Heath skater girl

46. What is your personality type? - Dumb bitch

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? - idk like shoes?

48. Can you curl your tongue? - 😏 please

49. Are you an innie or an outie? - why is this a question wtf ahahhaha

50. Left or right handed? - Right hand, Left foot

51. Are you scared of spiders? - No. Unless they fly down from my fan while I’m trying to play guitar and I’m very drunk and feel attacked

52. Favorite food? - All of it

53. Favorite foreign food? - Everything

54. Are you a clean or messy person? - depends on my mental state((((((((:

55. Most used phrased? - for fucks sake and dumb bitch probably

56. Most used word? - clown

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? - 5-10 minutes

58. Do you have much of an ego? - No, I’m a clown I know my place

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? - suck I aint tryin to break my teeth lol

60. Do you talk to yourself? - bitch pls ahahahah ofc

61. Do you sing to yourself? - Yes hahahha

62. Are you a good singer? - Maybe? hahaha

63. Biggest Fear? - Jill Ellis

64. Are you a gossip? - Nope. I am bearer of all secrets hahahah

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? - Tournament of Nations 2017 USA vs. Brazil

66. Do you like long or short hair? - long on me but I dont care on other people

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? - I cant geography, but think I could get most ahahaha

68. Favorite school subject? - bio

69. Extrovert or Introvert? - Depends who I’m with, but usually introvert unless I fuck w you ahhahaha

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? - Snorkling yes, but not scuba diving

71. What makes you nervous? - WHAT DOESNT LOL

72. Are you scared of the dark? - No

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? - only if it’s serious

74. Are you ticklish? - Not really hahaha

75. Have you ever started a rumor? - No

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? - Yesssss

77. Have you ever drank underage? - Lol do you know me

78. Have you ever done drugs? - 🥦 💨 @tobinheats-me-up

79. Who was your first real crush? - Gwen Stefani I think? ahhahah I love No Doubt

80. How many piercings do you have? - 0

81. Can you roll your Rs? - yes ma’am

82. How fast can you type? - very fast

83. How fast can you run? - I cant, but I can walk very fast, move bitch im gay

84. What color is your hair? - light brown

85. What color is your eyes? - depends on lighting either blue or green

86. What are you allergic to? - homophobia

87. Do you keep a journal? - I write songs instead hahaha

88. What do your parents do? - judge my “lifestyle”

89. Do you like your age? - yes hahahah

90. What makes you angry? - men

91. Do you like your own name? - yes it’s v gay

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? - Christen and Tobin

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? - ive been laughing at this for a minute a “a boy a girl”

94. What are you strengths? - being gay

95. What are your weaknesses? - girls

96. How did you get your name? - my parents gave it to me? hahahaha

97. Were your ancestors royalty? - cereally

98. Do you have any scars? - This hasnt changed but again yes both physically and emotionally (:

99. Color of your bedspread? - blue with anchors bc it’s

100. Color of your room? - tan and one dark blue wall

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obaby-wan · 3 years

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hi swann :)

sorry i haven’t left an ask in a while, i keep meaning to do it and then when i think about doing ANYTHING i immediately want to implode. but. i wanted to talk to u bc u always cheer me up :) how are u? how did u sleep? what did u eat for breakfast? i had cereal with oat milk, but i had REALLY bad cramps today. i’m feeling a little down, i have a reoccurring headache and i just really want to lie down.

do u already have names picked out for the cats u want to get in january? do u have baby names picked? i don’t really want kids, but i have a list of favorite names if i have them. indiana is number one for a girl (indy for short, obviously in honor of harrison ford), and benjamin for a boy (ben for short, middle name reid).

what is your favorite disney character? i think mine is rapunzel. who is the march sister you most closely identify with? i’ve always thought of myself as an amy, but apparently to everyone else, i’m a jo! are u as obsessed with taking personality tests as i am? i think im just a narcissist, bc i’m always looking for characters i’m similar to, or trying to box myself into a personality type. but idk, that might just be me LOL

ily and gnomi wan says hi!! (and cyar’ika, my stuffed baby yoda)

ALICE my love I AM BACK and HELLO!

How are you, how is your life, what have I missed, tell me everything I need to know!

First things first; answers. No I do not have cat names yes (and for technical reasons we have to delay the adoption... and start with one cat only). But I met this really nice last-year vet student and she works at the animal hospital and she got me in touch with this person who places “retired” cats who helped with animal experimentation!! I will probably get one of these and give them the best last years of their life. As a scientist who unfortunately also works with animals (I know, i know, you can judge if you want) it’s so important to me to be able to do something back for them!

I LOVE Indy for a girl’s name! I don’t really want kids either (do you have a specific reason for that?) but I will probably go for names that sound good both in asia and europe. I’m thinking Alyssa? May? Nine (pronounced nay-ne)? Unclear yet.

I’ve never seen/read the march sisters, it’s probably a very American thing, i’m sorry ! But my favourite Disney is probably Mulan, or Grogu (does he counts as Disney now?). I recently re-took the 16 personalities test and turns out i am an ENFJ? I am not sure how to feel about it, i was 1% away from being an I instead of E so I’m not sure. I think it’s normal though to look for fictional characters to Identify to! Not narcissistic at all.

I recently started watching community and i am OBSESSED with it, have you seen it???

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desolationlovers · 3 years

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oh yall thought i was done x posting? lol. kamui character rant under the cut

the thing about kamui is i dont know that hes a very deep character??atleast not how clamp has written him and esp not in the manga.

he spends a lot of the manga being confused and often manipulated. and hes really just a kid.

his first big character arc is debastardization basically. when hes introduced hes a TOTAL asshole (the anime added scenes to make him more of a dick at the start but also has a bit of an explaination? ill get to it). hes shown as very rude to everyone around him, yelling at people to get out of his way or get lost, including his previous friends. hes also shown to have absolutely no care for his surrondings and regularly fights and uses his powers in places where bystanders could be injured and leaving roads bridges or nearby buildings in ruins. when confronted about the latter by hinotos knight (his name is saiki) he straight up says he doesnt care if anyone gets hurt. which i mean ok nothing wrong with a character being an asshole. the extreme in your face way kotori and fuuma describe kamui as a kid being very shy and Very quiet and gentle makes this characterization confusing but hey people can change i guess. the confusing part is that as kamui slowly beings to let his guard down he says that the big reason he was so standoffish especially wrt kotori and fuuma was because he wanted to keep them at a distance so they wouldnt get involved with all the end of the world stuff. which makes sense obviously! kamui was absolutely aware of how dangerous it might get. his entire plan was to get the shinken (the sacred sword) and bail because he didnt want any part of any of it. what i dont get is why he was totally cool with bystanders being injured or killed. during his fight with saiki they were in a neighborhood! on people roofs and shit!! saiki is the one to lead them to an abandoned construction site so no one gets caught in the crossfire. and kamui almost kills saiki!!! which i will let slide a bit because kamui was being followed and had been attacked by spells literally that morning. but later on he apologizes to saiki but never explained his reasoning why he didnt care about destroying peoples houses??? and its never brought up again?????? also theres a scene added to the anime where he kicks the shit out of kotori and fuumas dad??? because he wouldnt give kamui the sword?? bro thats ur best friends dad you jackass!!!!!

in the anime they added flashbacks for the time after he moved away from tokyo which i think make his whole character make much more sense. when he first moves and goes to a new school he accidentally uses his powers and makes everyone afraid of him. fast forward past elementary school to high? school? its unclear. at school hes a lazy slacker that never goes to class and never talks to anyone, big ol loner. he sees that a local gang has been stealing kids money and beating them up. so he decides to put on a tough guy persona and confront the gang telling them to knock it off and scaring them shitless with some fun ass kicking psychokenesis. now i am SO on board with this addition. kamui being ostrisized for being weird and scary when hes already a super shy kid, so he embraces this scary intimidating image and tries using it for good because hes still ultimately kind hearted. he gets too absorbed in this tough guy persona that he loses touch with the original purpose of it and just uses it as a shield because he himself is afraid and confused. and maybe even hiding behind it because hes so afraid of having this huge destiny that he doesnt know if he can live up to and how can someone who decides the fate of the world be just some quiet oversensitive guy.

except all of that is my own speculation and analysis because they really do not go into ANY detail about this. i wouldnt say its to the point where it feels like they just flipped a switch and hes nice now but it def feels like that. and it annoys me because after he kind of apologizes for being a dick it doesnt really get brought up again?? i think he broods over it once or twice. but i would have really liked to see flashes of it coming back in high stress situations or something? he has a lot of points of grief and depression but its always meloncholic rather than angry and it really makes him feel like two different characters i wish it was way more of a mix.

anger would also be good with the whole overarching theme of trying to break out of the path destined for you. its constantly said that theres only one future by the dreamgazers although hinoto wants to change it. its supposed destined that kamui will lose and earth will be destroyed. anger but more importantly PASSION is whats needed break out of what has been preordained and to carve your own path. passion is also whats needed for the main part of the second half of kamuis character arc, figuring out what it is he REALLY wants. what his true wish is.

i also think anger could have been a good inverse to the deliberate mirroring of kamuis character and subarus character. subaru really represents despair and being completely swallowed by grief. his story is that the man he fell in love with (named seishiro) was just manipulating him for fun and is actually an emotionless assassian. subaru is so destroyed by this realization he goes into a depression and because of this is unable to save his sister being killed by seishiro. his goal is literally to be enough of a nusance to seishiro that hell kill him. literally he wants to be acknowledged as important enough to bother killing. its pointed out often how subaru and kamui are so similar, with how fuuma killed kotori, and how theyre both kindhearted ro a fault. its an intentional reflection. subaru even pulls kamui out of a similar depressive state after kotori dies. he and kamui have a whole heart to heart about how some peoples happiness can look pitiful to others and how hes going to fufill his goals even when other people are worried for him. and most importantly about how not everyone can be happy with an outcome. i think it would have been really good for subaru to represent someone overcome with depression about how awful the world is and paralyzed with that sadness and kamui would be the rightous anger and compassion needed to actually change the world. “lets this radicalize you rather than lead you to despair” you know? it would have been a really good parallel considering part of x’s themes are literally about having compassion for humanity. but that reading possibly shoots itself in the foot because the language used wrt the two possible futures are things to stay as they are or for a “revolution” to occur, meaning killing everyone to let the earth heal. so ideas of change are insinuated to be connected with the seven angels and genocide. which uh. not going to get into that.

i do like when he starts going to the clamp school he goes back to being shy and quiet and kind of gets pushed around by people with more force of personality. very fun uncomfortably relatable. its ok man im extremely passive too.

anyway final thoughts kamui needs more passion. clamp give me the rights. also let subaru and kamui hang out and have a brotherly bond. no creepy shit. just subaru being an akward older brother that knows what kamuis going thru and gives bad advice bc he has god awful coping mechanisms.

side note we arent ever told about his likes/dislikes hobby or anything of that nature. the blankest of slates. so my city now. i think hes into obscure indie music and has thousands of hours in various life sim games like animal crossing and stardew valley.

#lees posts #forgot to post this last night #clamp posting

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comicteaparty · 4 years

Text

July 27th-August 2nd, 2020 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party’s Farewell Party that occurred from July 27th, 2020 to August 2nd, 2020.

Chat:

Comic Tea Party

Comic Tea Party Farewell Party

With great sadness, but also the desire to end things with a bang, welcome to Comic Tea Party’s Farewell Party! This week we’re going to have a casual hang-out with everyone in the server, ask some general questions about comics, and just try to have a good time that lets us all have one last hurrah before the server closes. So if that sounds good to you, we hope you join us.

Question Set 1 of 5 1. What has been your favorite comic to be featured by Comic Tea Party? (You can check the archives for a full list: https://comicteaparty.com/thursArchives & https://comicteaparty.com/weeklongarchives)? 2. What’s a new comic you found thanks to Comic Tea Party (or an old comic you learned to love again)?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

1. Mine, obv. Jkjk, my actual favorite comics whose book clubs I paticipated in were Ingress, Phantomarine, and Hovergirls. And man I've found so many good comics through CTP. Phantomarine, Hovergirls. Millennium, Only in Your Dreams, Joe is Dead, Valerie... I am sure I'm forgetting some too

Wait I think I may have actually not participated in the Phantomarine one

boogeymadam

1) phantomarine and devil's tongue!! joined for phantomarine's even 2) court of roses , sunny x rain

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

1) My favorite CTP feature hands down is Heart of Keol, but I unfortunately was not here for that. I have been a fan of that comic for many years. I also really enjoyed Only In Your Dreams. 2) I found a lot of fantastic comics here! KEYSPACE: A Winged Tale, Phantomarine (although I had heard of it previously), and SunnyxRain, to name a few. I also have a whole list of comics I still need to read! (Damn you my limited time! *waves fist). Princess Pop, Wayfinders, Puppeteer, Ghost Junk Sickness, Teasday, (probably some more I'm forgetting right now ). It's truly been a pleasure speaking with you all in this server! It's a crazy feeling finding a bunch of allies in this giant overwhelming comic-making world. Thanks to everyone who participated in my bookclub or has given me a word of encouragement or helped me with my work. Seriously, before I joined CTP, I felt like I was wading through an endless, abyssal sea all by myself.

carcarchu

1. My fave comic that was featured in the bookclub was Meet and Greet. I just found it incredibly darling, unique and memorable. The art was so lovely and I just became utterly enamoured by the whimsical atmosphere it produced. 2. i started reading yu + me dream bc it was mentioned in the server a few times and i actually ended up liking it a lot more than i thought i would. the art style obviously dates it but the artistry and writing of the comic really hold up and the artist clearly knew what she was doing. also it made me nostalgic for the early days of webcomics

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

1. I wasn't here for it, but O'Sarilho! I loved going back to read the answers, the comic has a special place in my heart! 2. There's so MANY comics and creators i found here who's works i truly admire. It'd start to be a long as heck list, so im going to be more general about it, but the CTP was definitely a good spot for me to pick up comics and have that chance to interact with creators and find out their process/inspo, and i cherish that so much!

Miranda (Into the Swell)

1. I haven't been in the server that long, but I'd probably say Phantomarine since I was actually here for that book club. 2. Ghost Junk SIckness, Phantomarine, Ingress Adventuring Co, Teasday, Whispers of the PAst, Joe is Dead, Magefront. So so many. And they're all amazing!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

@carcarchu I think you may have seen me mention yu+me? Gosh, it's good, isn't it?? The art style may be dated in the beginning but the rest of the comic is timeless. The amount of creativity in all the art styles she used, wow. She definetly knew what she was doing. Also, brave to commit to such a plot twist. Never seen a story with this premise before!(edited)

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

1. Oh boy, there's a lot I think heart of Keol is my main contender, since I was there for the book club.

2. the folks I interacted with here, I ended up reading their comics! sunny x rain, WotP, Valerie, Reading Days, and a lot more! I dunno if I would be able to find more comics without the help of this server but I'm very thankful to be a part of it and getting to know a bulk of you here

Deo101 [Millennium]

1: I think my favorite one featured was Phantomarine ^^ being here for the book club definitely helped that, but it's also just really incredible <3 2: I've definitely found a ton of new comics here... mostly from meeting all the lovely creators, and wanting to see what they're talking about when they're gushing about the comics they love so much!

carcarchu

@Eightfish (Puppeteer) yes good writing is timeless! and i haven't actually gotten to the plot twist yet but i know of it!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

you haven't gotten to the plot twist yet?!

dude the art becomes so good

carcarchu

im still only on page 213

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

jeez no wonder you think the art style dates it!!

the author was intentionally drawing in a completely different style than her normal one the whole time

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/1e/1d/78/1e1d78ae54fa6be3d1076fbdcdcab84f.jpg https://64.media.tumblr.com/a87431cfb4e704d31c07eba9264ce979/tumblr_mve6g1D9y21qbtxv8o1_500.jpg

this is art she did before yu+me

carcarchu

oooh i totally thought that was her art style later!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i can't even imagine what it must've been like for her to keep the twist secret for so long

and all the crazyness she was going to do with her art later

this woman has truly impressive self control

eliushi [Keyspace]

A lot of my favs have been said!! I also really enjoyed Gender Slices (binged it all in two days), Desert Spell and Valerie! I love the diversity of the webcomics featured and how relatable they all are thank you again so much for running the book club!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Ohh I forgot about gender slices! Also forgot about sunnyxrain. And I did read whispers of the past and patent the sun , but i found out about both outside of ctp(edited)

did not finish (yet), but I've also read parts of teasday, hookteeth, and ghost junk sickness

OH and super galaxy knights

wow there are so many comics haha

Comic Tea Party

Question Set 2 of 5 1. What is your favorite thing about webcomics in general? 2. How did you get involved with webcomics?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Wow I literally do not remember how I got involved with webcomics

boogeymadam

1. Stories that feel more personal and heartfelt because the creator is usually just 1 or 2 people creating it mainly because they love it. Also getting to see protagonsits and stories, and even creators i relate to a lot more than those in more main media. 2. through manga as a young teen, searching up more stories like the ones i was interested in and couldnt get enough of and finding smackjeeves and hiveworks.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

1. What is your favorite thing about webcomics in general? Creativity!! With the freedom of publishing for free, writers and artists can be so imaginative, unique, and weird! I love reading stuff that the author made with full knowledge it will only ever appeal to a small number of people

but those small number of people will adore it

carcarchu

1. I love the indie charm of webcomics. when i interact with media that passes through more hands before the audience gets to it i sometimes feel that it gets polished to the point where it loses some of its charm. though webcomics might have more flaws than works that go through stringent editing, i feel that the flaws can make it more appealing. there can be problems with the writing or the art but i find with webcomics those problems can often be overcome just by the degree of raw passion and heart on display in those works. 2. same as eight it's been so long that i don't really remember but i have to assume that i somehow ended up on smackjeeves through deviantart? a lot of the artists i liked growing up also drew comics which they either posted on dA or on smackjeeves and through there i discovered more

eliushi [Keyspace]

Totally agree about how individual and different indie webcomics read vs traditional/ mainstream. I love how each webcomic is a reflection of the creator and how many different styles and creative ways one can tell a story! I got into webcomics from reading s bunch of manga and comics back in high school and stumbled upon smackjeeves and Phoenix requiem and that was my gateway into indie works

varethane

I got involved with webcomics because some friends of my friends in high school were making one, and I thought it seemed like super cool fun and wanted to do one too. Once i started reading more webcomics, it became hard to stop; the passion and earnestness is unmatched, and the stories people can tell when not held to the guidelines of what's considered 'marketable' by some executive somewhere are so unique and engaging

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

1) My favorite thing about webcomics is their diversity. I know not every webcomic is a creator's magnum opus, or the work by which they define themselves wholeheartedly, but you see so SO much variety. No two styles are exactly the same (unless someone's trying to incite drama, I guess ) and with that fact alone, every webcomic is so, so different. 2) I got involved with making webcomics purely out of boredom at work I just wanted a project that I could call my own, so I started drawing. But I read a few back in the day, mostly by coming across them on deviantART. Most weren't super polished, but there were a few that really stood out. It was nice to see the beginnings of what would eventually explode.

Miranda (Into the Swell)

1. The variety. There’s something for everyone and there’s different styles and its fantastic. And the people that are behind them. All the creators I’ve encountered have been super chill and kind and just inspiring. 2. I’m not sure? I think I just started reading on webtoons and it was a downhill (uphill? Cuz it’s good?) spiral from there

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

1. My favorite aspect of webcomics is that the genres and art styles are so diverse. And even beyond that, the types of characters represented are so unique! And this kind of bleeds into why I got into webcomics to begin with. I was so bored of superhero comics about white men fighting supernatural entities. Those stories have their place, and I also enjoy them on occasion, but after seeing them a million times, the content gets old. I love exploring webcomics by underrepresented people. POC, LGBT+ people, women, and genres that aren't typically shown in mainstream print comics. And that's what I love so much about webcomics: the diversity, the variety, the opportunity for people to tell their stories. 2. In regards to how I started reading webcomics, I originally read a lot of manga online that didn't have official English translations at the time, and then I found out about Korean webtoons, which sparked my interest in web-based content in general. I also found a few comics because of deviantART. Mostly because I followed a lot of skilled artists, and they would post about their webcomics. I found one of my favorite comics that way, Memorabilia, and I actually remember reading Where Tangents Meet before it got picked up as a Webtoon Original, and before the artist created Siren's Lament. I started drawing webcomics in 2014 because, for the first time since I had started writing, I couldn't imagine my story through solely words. I knew I needed to tell a visual story, and now I had an outlet: webcomics.

Comic Tea Party

Question Set 3 of 5 1. Why do you think more people should read webcomics? 2. What do you like the most about the webcomic community?

eliushi [Keyspace]

I think more people should read webcomics to see how different stories can be told and the different perspectives they share outside of mainstream media. There is also the privilege to be able to interact with the creators directly and be a part of the creative/ supportive process. I love how supportive everyone is! It’s amazing to see creators create fan art/fiction for one another, commiserate the difficulties in making things from our busy lives and celebrating every step of success. I also love the readers whose comments brighten my day and whose engagement motivates me to make the story inside my head Real.

Comic Tea Party

Question Set 4 of 5 1. How do you think webcomics will have changed 10 years from now? What about 20? 2. In the long-term, how will have webcomics changed the world?

RebelVampire

Set 1 1) As the host of CTP, I think I am obligated to say they were all my favorite. So I'm just gonna go with that. 2) As for new comics, honestly, most of them. Not to say many of them I hadn't heard of before, but hearing about them and finding time to read them are two different things. CTP really allowed me to make that time. Set 2 1) My favorite thing about webcomics is mostly just that anybody can do them. You don't need to have fantastic web skills. Don't need to hunt down a publisher and get rejected 1000 times. You just sit down, do it, and post it. Not to say the doing it part is easy, but there aren't the other sorts of barriers that wouldve stopped people when I was a kid. And I think this is great because it lets more and more ppl express their creativity and have avenues to potentially get their work seen. 2) Basically 90% of my life has been composed of knowing artists and having artists as friends. And most artists I know have had interest in webcomics at one point or another (even if they never pursued it or moved on from webcomics). So for me it was just a thing that was always there based on my particular social circles.

RebelVampire

Set 3 1) I think more people should read webcomics because of two reasons. One, the more people read indie stuff, the more it helps indie artists achieve whatever it is they're trying to achieve. With the internet, I think we need to move past the days of yore where artists were basically unknown until they were dead. Cause that's sad. So reading webcomics is a way to fight that and respect the inherent humanity, effort, and work that goes into creativity. Two, there's just more availability of stories. Whether you want to read some mainstream isekai like story or just want some super niche thing that is 100% tailored to your specific tastes, webcomics probably has it. And by reading webcomics, you can complain less about how the thing you want doesn't exist and spend more time being happy. 2) What I like most about the community is just being able to see lots of different people express themselves entirely differently from each other. That and the hard work everyone puts into their work. Set 4 1) 10 years from now I think someone will have come up with a way to auto format comics to better suit the medium they're on. So page format on desktop and print and vertical scroll on mobile. Thus reading experiences will be smoother. Not to say it won't be janky, but someone somewhere out there must be toying with something like this. Further, I think we will see a rise in some automations that make certain processes easier. Also, I think we'll see a rise in comics made with 3D instead of 2D, if only for the factor of accessibility. 20 years from now, that's hard to say. However, given the rapid pace of technology, one thing I think we might see is better computer vision and translation software so sites can auto generate multiple language versions of any comic.

2) In the long-term for changing the world, I will repeat what I said earlier to a degree. They'll create a world where people don't have wait to die to be noticed, and in so doing, they'll shape people's opinions since, by and large, that is one of the purposes of stories and the experience of stories.

Miranda (Into the Swell)

Set 4: 1. I think it will span out into a much more broad selection of art. I feel like a lot of the "most popoular" webcomics all have a similar anime art style and I feel like that will change more as time goes on. 2. I think they'll continue to bring people of different walks together and just give common ground. No one will feel alone because there will be something for everyone and a community behind all of it. I think they're going to be more accessible and less gated to devices/displays that your viewing them on. And I think there will be a lot more artists in the world because of them(edited)

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Your sets 3 and 4, Rebel just -oof- right in my heart I'm really excited about the possibilities of more and better automatic translation just on the internet in general, but definitely for webcomics that would be amazing if an AI could just translate mine and everyone else's into all the languages.

mathtans

Whelp, I'm behind again.

SET 1. With the caveat that I'm behind in all my reading. It's very sad. I'm still working on 2019 here.

1. My favourite might have to go to "The Cat, The Vine and The Victory". Just a really interesting concept, enjoyed the writing, there's a yuri couple (of sorts), a person who can't speak, it somehow updated really frequently... yeah.

https://tapas.io/series/The-Cat-The-Vine-and-The-Victory

mathtans

2. Here there's too many to mention. But I'll mention a bunch anyway and apologies to those I miss: CHAMPS, Centralia 2050, 7 inch Kara, Neon Rabbit, My Dad is a Magical Girl, Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R, Nine Twilights... and the list goes on.

SET 2.

1. Favourite thing? This will sound weird, but I guess how they're always there. Like, I can't keep up even week to week, but suddenly there's some time to binge and you can see story and art evolve as you look at the last few months all at once. Actual comics hire different writers or artists a lot of the time, and if you miss an issue it can be a pain finding it. Though I also like the point that's been made about how there's access on the creation side too. And how communities can crop up based on them.

2. How did I get involved with webcomics. Sigh. Strap in. I'm one of those weird types who came in via writing, not art. In 2011 (oh no, I'm old) I had the idea of personifying mathematical equations, where the hairstyles would relate to the graphs. But not being an artist, I basically did short writing excerpts with character headshots. (Does anyone remember Elf Only Inn? Oh no, I'm still old.)

I didn't even know what to call it, I referred to it as a "webcomic thing". I've since learned that it was basically a serial, supplemented with some author art. The art got increasingly more complex to where I would design a one panel setting to complement the writing. Then, after 3 years of doing this, I stopped, because after all the social media (I joined mainly to promote the thing) and videos and the rest I had, like, 5 readers. But I kept kind of attached to webcomic groups and chats, even though I wasn't doing a webcomic.

(Like, wasn't doing and never had been doing.)

A year later, in 2015, I relaunched the whole project as an ACTUAL 4-panel webcomic with new character designs. I think it's around then that StArt Faire and CTP were brought to my attention by Angelic Emypress. Maybe it was the following year.

That's when I really hooked more into the community and made it a point to have CTP in my calendar. I then stopped doing my own webcomic in 2018 because, despite mirroring on Tapas and trying to do guest posts and continue to promote... I still only had, like, 6 readers. Also my daughter was born. So I didn't have as much free time to devote to something no one else was really into. I did manage to keep up with CTP until it went asynchronous, but I've been kind of a ghost since. So hello to people who wonder why I'm a Hibiscus Teacup when I'm almost never around these days.

TL;DR: I got involved in webcomics because I wanted to be doing one but didn't know how (and still don't have the art skills for it), but like to try to encourage other people. Because I know what it's like when less than a dozen people are aware your comic exists.

SET 3.

1. More should read because honestly seeing this stuff digitally is how this is all going these days... actual paper comics are becoming terribly overpriced. And this way you can pay what you're able (even if that's zero) to people who are just as amazing and creative. I'll also echo Rebel in that there's lots of variety out there.

2. The webcomic community... honestly, it's a lot like the serial community in terms of boosting each other up and offering moral support, which is great and necessary. Not just in the writing but in general. And without it, I would never have had any artwork of my characters that I didn't specifically commission. Whether it was a trade initiative or in one weird case a random post to me, these were people taking the time to let me see my vision in a new way. I always posted and credited that stuff. It meant a lot.

I'll do the last couple sets this weekend, hopefully. Nice to see everyone else's thoughts up there. ^^

carcarchu

@mathtans i don't think i can agree with this point. sadly there have been plenty of webcomics i loved but when the sites imploded (smackjeeves) or they stopped paying for their website host they were lost to time forever. also a lot of artists just straight up purge their work from the internet forever from embarrassment

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

^ Me with the first several versions of my comic

mathtans

Carcarchu: That's a good point I hadn't considered. Guess I've been fortunate in that most of the ones I follow just go on indefinite hiatus at worst.

Hope the site with the CTP archives doesn't get bought out and shut down or something.

Comic Tea Party

Question Set 5 of 5 1. How can people reach you after this? 2. Final parting words?

carcarchu

1. You can usually catch me on twitter! https://twitter.com/kurumadraws 2. This is not farewell, just good-bye for now hope to see most of you again soon!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

1. I’m always on Twitter! http://www.twitter.com/Phantomarine_ 2. Thank you so much for giving us this server. This has been such a fun place to make new friends and discuss comics. The book club for Phantomarine was one of my favorite things ever - I had an absolute blast. Thank you again for your hard work, and see you all around!

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

1. I'm at twitter and other discord servers you can see me lurking in https://twitter.com/tuyetnhip

2. Thanks for everything for the server! I hope to see the rest of you somewhere near or far on internet land

mariah (rainy day dreams)

1. You can find me on Twitter and various other discords (including my own that just opened up last week!) https://twitter.com/RainyDayMariah https://discord.gg/6S6Zsw 2. I'm very sad to be saying goodbye for now, even though I know I'll still see most of you in various corners of the internet going forward. This discord had a really special energy that I'm going to miss a lot. Just saying thank you doesn't feel like enough, but truly, thank you so much for the time we've spent together. See you in cyberspace

Miranda (Into the Swell)

1. I'm on Twitter mostly https://twitter.com/MirandaDrawss 2. Thanks for providing this awesome server! I've gotten to know so many people and had my eyes opened so much more to the world of webcomics. Thanks for inspiring me! So long, farewell, until we meet again

Nutty (Court of Roses)

1. I too am on twitter! https://twitter.com/nintendonut1 The comic also has its own discord server! https://discord.gg/Rmwe9Hv 2. Thank you so much for bringing this kind community together. Here's to us creators, wherever he head to next!

Feather J. Fern

You can find me on Twitter! https://twitter.com/FeatheryFern Thank you so much for making CTP and thank you everyone for making up the community! I hope to see you all in other communities and servers and I made so many friends here!

BadSprite

1. Hi you can find me on twitter!! https://twitter.com/BadSprite 2. I know we'll probably see each other again. But I want to thank you all for doing what you love, it's really inspiring to see so many people from so many background creating their own unique stories. So much so it got me to start making mine! Thank you for being amazing people and I hope to see you guys again soon!

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

1. I am on twitter and Instagram https://twitter.com/heidiholmeaa Instagram @heidiholmeaa 2. Thank you so much for all the hard work put into this server! I know I have not been the most active on here, but thanks for good comics to read, a good network and fun convos. I hope many of us will keep seeing each other on other servers and let us all prosper and succeed!

varethane

I, too, am primarily on twitter! https://twitter.com/varethane And on instagram as varethane1, though I don't post there very often. Thank you for running a super cool server!! I was always impressed at the depth and thoroughness of the Comic of the Week questions

eliushi [Keyspace]

It’s been a great time and I look forward to new adventures with all of you! I live in the following internet spaces: https://instagram.com/eliushi.draws?igshid=1wz4f1o191fe1 https://twitter.com/eliushi https://eliushi.weebly.com/about.html

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Set 3 1. Why do you think more people should read webcomics? I basically already said this, but webcomics offer a diverse reading experience. 2. What do you like the most about the webcomic community? Readers can actually interact with creators! It's so cool to see the barrier between readers and creators dissipate most of the time. Set 4 1. How do you think webcomics will have changed 10 years from now? What about 20? The biggest change I think we'll be seeing within the decade is that more and more comics will be put behind a paywall like Lezhin or Tapas. In 20 years? I think the internet will be pretty different then. Perhaps there will be more censorship? 2. In the long-term, how will have webcomics changed the world? I think the most immediate thing is that webcomics open the world up to discussing more topics. As webcomics enter the mainstream, discussing these things in a public setting will become more normalized.

As for where you can find me, you can find me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/CronajArt Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cronaj_art/ ArtStation: https://www.artstation.com/cronaj My webcomic server: https://discord.gg/ueWBfdp Or in a lot of other servers!

Deo101 [Millennium]

where can you find me? on twitter, mostly ^^ I think most of us are already mutuals there, but just in case it'd be nice to touch base https://twitter.com/deo_101 and I'm also on my comics discord server lots! https://discord.com/invite/jxcdKma Final parting words... this is hard. but, this has been a really wonderful community and it's been incredible to get to know you all and to learn from eachother how we have. it's truly been a blessing and I'm so grateful to rebel for this opportunity to share not only my work, but also myself with so many people! I hope that this isn't actually goodbye for us, and is just a "see you around!" As we all move forward, hopefully, side by side.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Here's my twitter!

https://twitter.com/ActuallyOctopi

Here's my comic!

https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/puppeteer/list?title_no=290620

I hope I can continue to talk to you all in a different place.

kayotics

you can also mostly find me on twitter! https://twitter.com/kayartics

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

you can find me on twitter, instagram, or pillowfort! https://twitter.com/shadowhooddraws https://www.instagram.com/shadowhooddraws/ https://www.pillowfort.social/shadowhood

mathtans

SET 4.1: 10 years from now... I'm so bad at predictions. I can't even think properly about how different they were 10 years ago, though I suppose they are more mainstream. Perhaps there will be easier ways to archive or paper print a whole set. Hopefully also more representation from minority groups, and less concern with RL problems causing schedule hiccups. Which I guess just goes double for 20 years.

Though maybe there will be more animated webcomics, or holographic ones by then, or something.

SET 4.2: Long-term, hopefully it helps people feel more confident even if they're not the most amazing artist or anything. Also as was said by Miranda, bringing people together in terms of common ground.

SET 5.1: Reach me? I'm pretty much 'mathtans' everywhere (except on Facebook, where I'm mathstans because someone else got it there first). For social media, probably twitter's the best bet, as many others have led with. https://twitter.com/mathtans

I also have [email protected] (does anyone here remember OS-tans? ... Anyway)

SET 5.2: Parting words? Thank you. I really just stumbled my way in here, a writer who doesn't know much beyond the basics of art, and have tried to do my best to offer accolades and constructive criticism. Rebel, you have done an amazing job, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. There was a time when I would sometimes look at the archive of a chat just to see what the pull quote was at the top. To those who actually spent some time reading my comic, thank you too... some of the nonsense is forever immortalized in Feb 2018. https://mathtans.blogspot.com/2018/02/s9332-faire-game.html

And best of luck to everyone out there, whether you've been at this for a while like me (probably showing better results, serious) or whether you've just started out. I can only hope I've made something of a difference out there. Until the next time.

Tantz Aerine (Without Moonlight)

Oh Lord I am so behind all this, with my RL tackling me to the ground... but I'll quickly answer these too, pardon my complete lack of timing. SET 1 1. Phantomarine is the one comic I loved because I was so late to the party (pun not completely intended ) 2. Phantomarine. Gosh I feel like I missed so much of this community. SET 2 1. It's the sheer freedom to create. 2. I started making comics for my students to teach them English. Then one thing led to another... SET3 1. More people should read webcomics because they are where the hub of creation in visual arts is. Experimentation, pluralism, excitement, passion. Everything is there. People will and do benefit as well as get entertained. 2. The sheer inclusivity, diversity, and curiosity that fuels creation. Friendliness, too, when people get to know you. SET 4 1. For better or worse, webcomics are becoming responsive to the means through which they are being experienced. We will always have standard formats but new will emerge that take advantage of new technologies as they come. Vertical format is one such example. In 20 years, webcomics would have become an industry, very much like print comics did, I'd say. 2. Webcomics change the world the same way art generally does: by reflecting society back to itself, and exploring ideas. SET 5 1. You can totally find me on twitter https://twitter.com/TantzAerine and if you will be so awesome as to want to read my historical webcomic Without Moonlight, you can find it here http://www.withoutmoonlightwebcomic.com/ . I definitely hope to see you. 2. I have been of the newest members of the community and I feel like I missed a whole world of richness. Still, I am thankful for what I got, and for the care and passion of everyone who kept the Comic Tea Party going for as long as it did. Thank you, and all the best.

#ctparchive

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taylornock · 4 years

Text

how cell phones made our lives better while simultaneously ruining them

hi fam!! it’s me, again. are you tired of hearing from me? me too. that’s why I’m here to rant about social media / phone / technology. bc i hate it… but in a loving way???

everyone remembers when they got their first iPhone. seriously. why is that such a monumental moment in our lives? i can hardly remember what i felt like freshman year of high school but can pinpoint the feeling of sheer glee unwrapping my iPhone 6 in eighth grade. i have this thing that is attached to me 24/7 - when I go anywhere (even downstairs) without my phone i feel weird. that is f***ing SAD! PATHETIC. i hate feeling that dependent on what is essentially a pocket robot.

for what it’s worth - phones have done INCREDIBLE things for the world as we know it. for example, this quarantine shit has been testing all of us; and our phones are helping us get through it in so many ways. our phones let us see the faces of those loved ones we are missing, our phones provide us with stupid tik tok content to keep everything light hearted, and our phones let us check in on each other. all amazing things! when we are at school, we have instant access to our lives at home . being able to call my mom whenever i want is something i definitely abuse. “mom, I’m on my way home from Thompson right now and i think i have a brain aneurysm but my bio final is at 11am tomorrow will i make it” … an actual conversation i had with my mom at the end of freshman year. needless to say i was medicated shortly after THAT meltdown. I am such a brat that i don’t know what i would do if i couldn’t text my dad and have him immediately get me the password again to our Uverse account…… god forbid i miss an episode of the bachelor. i have this phone, and that’s what i do with it? abuse its powers to ask my parents for medical advice or a password i forgot? have we lost sight of everything here?

throughout life and especially throughout quarantine… my phone is the definition of a possession that is a blessing and a curse. I’m so grateful to have the ability to bother my friends - whenever i want! the options are endless! i love keeping in touch with people i thought id never hear from again, and being able to talk to so many people in my life and make my heart swell. now, when a conversation with someone other than my two roommates (shoutout parents) is so rare ⎯ that phone is my weapon and i use it to help flatten the curve: flatten the curve of covid19 and flatten the curve of my mental illness 🙃 [humor is a coping mechanism okay let me live] but like, i KNOW i’m not the only one that looks at my screen time and immediately wants to die. how can i honestly be looking at my phone for that long? picking it up THAT many times?????? my phone is the best distraction and also the most toxic - it makes me feel better but has a tendency to bring up all my issues and blast them into the reflection of my blue light glasses...... its called fashion look it up.

to give some examples - let’s open up my most used app: snapchat. I go on snapchat with the best of intentions - to see a memory from a year ago that makes me smile. to respond to my friends and see what their mood today is based on the look on their face. to creep on snap stories and see what everyone’s cooking and doing with their lives. somehow, tho, after spending a few minutes on the app.. i end up with a pit in my stomach most of the time. the person i want to respond hasn’t responded in 4 hours. oh god lets overthink this- they don’t like me anymore and are no longer interested in speaking to me and only respond every once in a while out of pity or because they are uncomfortable. everyone hates you. oh and GOD FORBID someone leaves me on open??! I am not funny nor interesting nor worth a reply - suddenly, i have equated my value to receiving or not receiving a photo of someone’s blank stare. this is extreme, and this is dramatic. but trust me —— this is the hamster wheel always turning in my head. I’m not even going to touch on snap maps; that feature is pandoras box and someone better fucking shut it.

second most used app is instagram. i scroll for hours, i have time limits set for the app acting like i’m actually going to listen to them and get off. lmaooooooooo. i love looking at aesthetic stuff and dogs and food and recipes and my friends’ beautiful faces. but you know what i don’t like? constant nudges to compare myself to others. oh look at her having a party with all of her friends even though we aren’t supposed to be. am i a loser for trying to be safe? oh look at her washboard abs, i’m never going to look like that and will never live up to the standard of beauty society has set for me. look at all of these people in their happy relationships. why can’t i have that? it goes over and over and over. its not like i sit there and think of these things just like that, its a precedent in my mind when i stare at everybody else that i am going to size my own life up against theirs. for years i followed every single elite model / VS angel on instagram to motivate me to do better - to start being psycho about what i did to my body so i could be as gorgeous as them. what kind of fucked up mindset is that? i would literally watch their footage of them eating rice and vegetables once a day and try to copy it. i would watch their runway walks obsessively trying to recreate them in heels alone in my house - like that was all i could imagine doing with my life. did i ever stop for a second to look at that photoshoot of gigi hadid and wonder if she was happy? wonder if the constant pictures she saw of herself ever made her insecure? what was i doing? the day i unfollowed those girls was a monumental day in my journey to a better self image. i didn’t realize the people i thought were my “motivators” were actually my triggers. i have grown to a point in life now that i would much rather eat a stack of chocolate chip pancakes that make me dance in my chair like an infant than practice my runway walk and shame my body in the mirror. and i am so freakin happy!

i could go app by app for hours. but moving on to the next thing i hate about cell phones - how they have destroyed our biological methods of communication. you hear about those psychos who think the world is destroyed by technology and we are going to be overrun by robots. but hey, I’m with the psychos on this one. i have this amazing friend, Trevor Wright, who without fail at EVERY dinner announces “phones off friends on” and collects our phones into the center of the table. yes, we are 20 year old adults. yes, we hand our phones over to Trevor and let him yell at us for trying to see if ~that person~ snap chatted us back. i have so much respect for him because of this. there is nothing worse than staring at your phones when you could be having a good conversation about life, about love, about laughter + memories, about “do you think hellen keller is real?” anything, bro, anything. anything but snapchat messaging your hoe of the week or mindlessly playing tetris to twiddle your thumbs. we all need to start loving a little harder, and the first step to doing that is to communicate better. communicate smarter. I’m guilty of alllll of the above, don’t get me wrong. and I am ADD asf and constantly playing mindless games just to stimulate my brain. but i need to stop that! even writing this is taking some time away from the dumb shit on my phone - and encouraging me to communicate how i r e a l l y feel to my homies that will read this. communication - especially body language - is fascinating. I’ve studied it in psych, I’ve learned the neurological bases of behavior and why we do what we do. I’ve learned how much our life experience impacts who we are as a whole...and it! is! fascinating! i also think that’s why i love film so much. because it can capture the raw moments of your friends just being your friends, of you just being the person you are, and the world around you just existing as it exists. i love the raw moments; and not just because indy blue posted one youtube video of her slow mo laughing and now thats the only footage i find myself shooting. 😚

im not quite sure what this post is, lol. but - just a rant on technology. so listen to me:

take advantage of technology + social media! it CAN BE GREAT. for so many reasons. but, don’t let technology + social media TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. stay true to you - know how to communicate with yourself and your loved ones without the use of a robot. remember that feeling when you setup up your first iPhone? imagine if you could feel that again, with your phone nowhere in sight. if you don’t know how to communicate with yourself yet, start by journaling. WRITE! TYPE! SPEAK! do what you want. getting your thoughts down even without an audience is so crucial to understanding yourself and others. if you don’t like to write, reflect. breathe. meditate. make art. do what makes you feel at peace, and do whatever makes you feel like the world makes a little bit more sense than it does.

IF YOU ARE READING DOWN TO HERE, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, SAY IT BACK! LIFE IS A FUCKING HIGHWAY. AND IM SO GLAD YOU’RE ON MY INTERSTATE. <3

xoxoxoxo

gossip girl

#phones #socialmedia #rant #blog #hi #tender #loveme #quarantine #covid19 #cellphones #iphone #followme!#taylor #tiktok #trending #writing

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fireflythecinnamonjollyrancher · 4 years

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it’s time for ~a year in review~

JANUARY

ya bitch went to paris and became like good, like REALLY good friends with my current roommates!!! we got to see some really beautiful sights, do some STRANGE things like watch a french indie movie and get fucked up at a french gay party club in the basement of our hostel. i apparently shaved my head again (per the use lets be real)

FEBRUARY

accidentally started my Com capstone like a total moron but took it like a mf champ. got to party at a friends place and watch all of “dont hug me im scared”. made a friend try a grap for the first time (he was a sophomore in college). studied a lot with kelli -- and by studying i mean we mostly bullied each other. WENT TO SEE WATSKY with a super dope friend (sad we fell out of touch but she’s living her best life and im happy for her). also like got to meet george watsky uhm WHAT wild. bullied my college in the snow and also manically shoveled the walk. was a bootlicker for the college and dressed in a taco suit

MARCH

WOOF i got pretty fucked up for capstones cast party and this is where the beginning of the end was for some of my friendships. however, other friendships were being built so im grateful for that. ran lights for a really awesome slam poet. FOUND THE KEY THAT WAS MISSING FROM THE THEATRE (turns out it was Sab whoops). spent a lot of time with someone who is no longer a friend -- her choice, certainly not mine. went home for spring break and took so many pictures of my cat. got selected as stage manager for comedy of errors which was a nightmare of a production but certainly not the worst.

APRIL

became a vegetarian!!!! joined/started the flat earth cult because of comedy. helped randi film her weird videos, which was so much fun! the bat came back to the theatre and Basil and I both saw them. comedy of errors opened and it was intense and i really hated every second. ranted about being in a scene for directing, which means i’d been in it for a second. that shit sucked bros oh my god????? he was never on time, he was so disorganized and didn’t understand his own character. organized a dinner for the cast because they had missed a campus dinner for the show. celebrated my best friends birthday!!!! “I can read!” was on the news with two others for comedy. also presented my capstone research for academic showcase day (i still can’t believe people listened to me rant about birth order)

MAY

more videos! this one was zak bagel bites with again my best friends. was elected president for APO and i couldn’t be more grateful. did a research proposal with a friend and i cannot BELIEVE we’re still friends after it because we really could have killed each other. physically fought the MONSTER that is jess (didn’t actually, really should have). helped two friends fall in love on accident/purpose. was elected as KPY president (damn) and forcibly elected as parliamentarian for LPH. ended my junior year. started work immediately after going home for my dad. mostly answered phones, worked 7:30-5 every day for the whole summer yikes. managed to pass junior year with a 4.0!!!

JUNE

learned a lil how to quote and did NOT enjoy it. went to PRIDE with my wife and bought my first ace flag. it was actually petrifying to buy and wear, but i have one now which is awesome. holy shit got my first tattoo!!! it has faded a bit now but still looked awesome. it was the beginning of an addiction. picked up an internship at my old theatre company and... deeply regretted it as it pushed my 12 hour days to almost 18 hours. literally fell in love with the music director.

JULY

a random woman complimented me??? so that was fun. watched after my old band directors kids (they were a nightmare i literally never want kids). got to hike and do all that fun stuff. went to the local county fair

AUGUST

my mom admitted to loving brooke more than me on her birthday (fair). got a card from my office team to celebrate my 21st a lil early. went back for SENIOR YEAR BOYS. got drunk at an old friends place. did marching band. moved in with two of my BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. took improv with friends which was lit. we even did a whole performance. met a new friend! my other roommate brought in a new kitten (which became a whole thing holy shit). used school sanctioned ipads to dick around. shaved my head againnnn. was sober at a party (woof why). got the drunkest i have ever been and puked everywhere and passed out on the stairs. have not ever reached that level again. also cracked my phone. fully assumed position as president of two clubs. started rhetoric (yucky) and theatre and diversity (also ick but for different reasons)

SEPTEMBER

became NOT sober literally the next day nice. started the MASH group i think??? which is like the only thing im proud of. it was around here. had to pick up a friend whos car broke down. went to pride in a local town with friends!!! that was fun. turned 21!! couldn’t celebrate bc school and stage management, but my two roommates still made sure i had a good time. marching band boys! we did a LONG ASS parade with my cute lil section. did mixers for KPY and APO! had our first football game. held a band rehearsal in the dark because the lights didn’t work which was funny and SO weird. walked to the trains with some really awesome friends. broke into the cemetery and stole a traffic cone and put it on a statue on campus bc mania. went to a friends musical career takeoff and ran her merch table bc the person who was supposed to run it showed up almost an hour late. someone showed up at the lib while i was closing with a friend asking for a place to stay. i hope hes good now. tried omegle again for whatever reason. tried to go to a local diner and was DENIED bc they went from 24 hours to closing at 10pm so i had a mental breakdown in my car at 2am in a McDonalds parking lot. FINALLY got to celebrate my birthday and go to the bars!!! well bar singular. but had a really good time even if those people aren’t really my friends any more

OCTOBER

homecoming boysssss!!!! also ace pride. worked the WORST thing I have ever had to operate in the chapel but the people were nice about it so i was kinda okay. also got to be a part of the dopest percussion show and ran lights and sound for it. rhetoric ended thank christ and i never want to talk about anti-war messages in MASH ever again. finally learned that my best friend has a partner and was ECSTATIC. worked a haunted house which literally sucked so hard but we made bank on it so im okay with it. were robbed (i still have suspicions who did it but ill keep my mouth shut). dressed up as a newsie for halloween, and my roommates and i all took pictures which was awesome. started my internship and movement and stage

NOVEMBER

LAST FOOTBALL GAME got drunk too often probably lol. got an impulse tattoo with my roommates. went to a soccer game. went to the trains drunk and also olive garden. did trauma training so i got to act hysterical (act?). did some KPY bonding. had a hella long saturday with a concert and everything. shot my shot and MISSED. did greek thanksgiving. played DD for someones birthday bc expired license. got my NEW license. had a horrible time driving to and from thanksgiving break. got to hang with my WIFE

DECEMBER

made it home somehow?? did box office for the children’s show as well as publicity which was a lot of work tbh. went on a double date with my roommates and their partner. did the filming for the college christmas card. had an awesome party at our place and i regret nothing. celebrated the moving out of our 4th roommate. worked my last gig at the museum. managed to scrape by again with a 4.0. threw a great party at my place for like 5 days straight (jesus christ). did a horrible puzzle. tried an edible (suffered for it). hiked in the mountains a lil. caught up with high school friends by drinking which was AWESOME. saw Frozen 2. went out with my fam bam. had a great christmas. also threw a new years party (what??? that just got over) and felt like a pretty good hostess (i just provided alcohol lol but it worked) and got to catch up with some great great awesome friends and keep people safe and off the roads for new years.

all in all a damn good year. its crazy how quickly things change, but im grateful for the place that i am in. can’t wait to graduate this year and see what happens next!!!

#firefly talks #we're already planning a mash party boys #its gonna be a great last semester i cant wait

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misas-biggest-fan · 5 years

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some detailed thoughts on an LABB movie w a ‘read more’ bc i have A Lot To Say

i want it to be a movie bc i love movies

im also open to the concept of a mini series but a full tv show might be a challenging stretch

animated or live action would both be incredible and both have their unique pros and cons

the whole thing is DISTINCTLY LA

busy streets and palm trees and the Hollywood sign and the shiny, overly false glamour of everything

would really contrast well with Rue Ryuzaki’s disturbing fake-ness

like he’s just as fake as the whole city, that both he and Hollywood have on this costume to hide tragedy and hideous deeds

i want it to have the glitz and glam and extravagance of the recent gatsby movie (which i adore, dont come for me)

if bahz luhrmann doesn’t direct i will RIOT id die for bahz luhrmann he’s Good and he has the same energy and chaotic attitude of beyond birthday himself

i want beyond to have a scene like the one where Nick realizes who Gatsby is and Gatsby turns around with the champagne flute and the fireworks go off in slow motion as he smiles that’s my favorite shot in all of cinematic history no joke

it’s HIGHLY STYLIZED. i want bright colors and weird aesthetic choices

I also want some shockingly beautiful frames of LA and surprisingly sophisicated shots of Beyonds face lit up in different neon colors or something

Indie enough to be weird and fun but pop enough to be easily digestible

it opens with mello writing his book (like moulin rouge!! a;lsdjfk)

his burn scars are just healing and he knows he’ll die soon so he has to write down all his important memories, leave something behind

he wants to write down something important to him, something that he can leave for Near, something that might put his own life and actions into context

something that might help other people understand who he was more

so of course, he thinks of beyond

who he respects and admires and pities

who has such a similar and yet different story from Mello’s own

so maybe in understanding beyond and understanding how mello feels about beyond

people will understand mello

near will understand mello

so mello gets to work detailing this story his incredible mentor L once told him, describing this beautiful memory he has of meeting with and talking to L and how L told him about Beyond

(in this scene, you don’t SEE L. you just get an idea of what he looks like, flashes and shots, so that the audience can know L well enough to still wonder about the identity Rue Ryuzaki throughout the movie)

and then of course, we dive into the story

Beyond is OVER THE TOP. he’s more than unsettling, he’s downright terrifying. but he’s still somehow intriguing and even charming at times, like he can turn the smoulder on and off at will.

Hes a disaster nb, a fabulous hodgepodge of discarded gender roles and impressive makeup skills

Him practicing his evil laugh and trying so desperately to be this comic villain didjdjdje hes such a loser i love him that scene NEEDS to make an appearance

he and naomi’s chemistry is incredible to watch on screen because beyond dominates any scene he’s in unless naomi is there to challenge him because her acting is also so powerful that when they’re on screen together, it’s like you can’t tear your eyes away from this insane car wreck that is their relationship

and NAOMI

a;lksdfj;dlkfj naomi misora <3 <3 <3 <3 ok im ready

so naomi is also a powerful presence on screen, even though she’s not crawling on the ground or eating with her hands or you know whatever ridiculous garbage beyond is doing

more time is spent on her

her disastrous relationship with raye

her feelings over her suspension from the FBI

and really play up the whole jessica jones thing she’s got going on

i want black leather for DAYS

I want “gritty LA detective who’s on suspension from the FBI because she doesn’t play by the rules” or whatever except it’s a twist because not only is she not a man, like this trope usually calls for, but it turns out she was suspended because of her tenderness and humanity instead of her brutality

she still needs to have MULTIPLE fight scenes, a few with beyond and maybe even a few with other attackers, who she absolutely mops the floor with

but then she and beyond have a scene where they fight against someone together

he’s not a good fighter. she mostly has to save his butt every time but he’s just happy to be there and probably keeps saying stuff like ‘wow misora you’re amazing!’ and she’s like ‘?!?! ryuzaki you loser?1?! run?!?’

and of course, there’s enough twists and changes from the book to keep everyone on their toes, but GOOD changes

like maybe we go back to mello a few times and he has more of his own subplot where his relationship to near is revealed more fully, that he wants near to understand him and he wants to reach out to near emotionally in this way

contrast mello’s story with beyond’s so when we learn beyond’s full story at the end, he and mello are revealed to be foils of each other

we get shots of wammy’s house and we see a and beyond interact and we see beyond’s life-destroying grief over a’s death

we get contrasting shots of wammy’s with mello and near and we’re allowed to hope that maybe they can be happier

A and beyond become something of a subplot leading up to as death but you dont entirely realize who beyond is until the big reveal at the end

maybe beyond does some more unsettling things that are just as creepy and in-character but are a terrible surprise for those who’ve already read the book!! i can’t imagine what other horrific thing he could do to scare naomi, but there’s got to be something

i’m rly into bday massacre bc i love naomi and beyond’s rly twisted relationship so i’d love to see more of him being in awe of her, more of them connecting, more of beyond opening up to her even. maybe she tells him a little bit about her suspension. just a little.

also if we could like clean up some of the plot holes in this joint pls and thank you

id even be ok if it’s insinuated that he self-sabotaged a little, on a conscious level or not, bc i feel like that wouldn’t be tooooooo ooc i mean, he’s a hot mess. most of this is just a really twisted cry for help anyway, at least in my interpretation. he wants people to realize he’s suffering. he just… can’t do it in a normal or healthy way :/

beyond pls a;lkdfj

Anyway. Theres also a boppin soundtrack

Fire is a big motif. Maybe make a connection between wildfires in CA and beyond using this case to self-destruct

A little more closure at the end. Thats part of the drive behind my bday massacre fanfic rn is that i feel like he and naomi never got any real closure on the traumatizing, like, week or two they spent together

I also want more closure on naomi as a character arc. I want her to dump rayes sorry butt and i want her to have had some sort of real internal change. None of this “she picks up her life where she left off and never thinks abt beyond again”

Of course, L is revealed and has his glorious little spill down the concrete subway stairs. Its What He Deserves :)

And of course we have to make the obvious contrast between both beyond and mello having survived serious burn injuries its just another thing that makes them such interestingly comparable characters

If Naomi visits Beyond in prison to say goodbye, i wouldnt be opposed. If they made my fanfiction into a movie i wouldnt be opposed

Mello prints out his book in the mafia hideout, his arms folded and waiting as paper after paper comes out, just begging any of these mafia dudes to mock him for liking to write. None of them do. Its a funny moment tho

He debates sending it to near, feeling so awkward and prideful, but he finally does it, leaving instructions for it to reach near after his death.

In the end, naomi and beyond are revealed to be dead at the same time as near receives the package from his dear mello

Naomi and beyond were doomed, and so were beyond and a, but now… near has mellos last love letter to him, cryptically begging him to try to understand. And so theres hope that although the rest of these relationships were doomed, maybe near can still have one piece of mello and be happy

#death note #beyond birthday #naomi misora #mello #meronia #birthday massacre #axb #i might add more later #might draw some screenshots #might eff around and write a screenplay

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fcrvcnt · 5 years

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( alex fitzalan, cismale, he/him ) i just saw KIERAN WALSH walking down the street’s of provincetown the other day playing LOST by DERMOT KENNEDY out loud. rumor has it that the TWENTY-TWO year old is +ATTENTIVE, but can also be -DISTRUSTFUL — overall they’re an INTANGIBLE CONCEPT. they remind me of A GENTLE BREEZE RESURRECTING A HOT DAY, STORMY WHITE CAPPED SEAS, SMUGED FINGERPRINTS COVERING WHITE PAPER & RESTLESS NIGHTS .

hey, hi, hello!!! i’m bronny, i’m 22, i’m from new zealand ( possibly one of the worst timezones to be in but we learn to survive!! ) and i’m so excited about this group and being able to write kieran again ( with an fc change bc alex?? newest love of my life, who does he think he is ?? ) ?? i’ve been missing writing him and been looking for a place but just haven’t found the right place.....until now!!! enough rambling about me though, lets get onto what you’re here for......

KIERAN WALSH

for the first 12 years of kieran’s life, you could say that his life was pretty happy and smooth sailing?? the walsh family were nowhere near rich but they were comfortable middle class. his father was a builder and his mother worked part-time as a kindergarten teacher. his childhood was nothing spectacular but it was full of love and happiness and that was the only thing kieran really cared about??

***ALCOHOLIC & ALCOHOL & ABUSE MENTION ***

but when kieran was around 13, his life took a turn no one really saw coming. whether it was the stress his father put on himself or it was old demons rearing their ugly head, kieran’s father turned to the bottle to self-medicate the darkness growing inside him.

it started off with small things. kieran’s father overreacting to tiny inconvenience at home and him coming home late at night. raised voices became the usual in the walsh household after that and kieran & amelia would both end up in his room attempting to shut it all out by going over the little cartoon strips kieran would create for amelia - eventually there was enough to make a whole little series.

slowly the walsh family drifted from middle class to lower-middle class thanks to kieran’s father losing his job and his mother retreating into herself.

kieran was 15 when he really took on the role to support amelia & his mother as best he could. kieran couldn’t care less about what happened to his father.

at 15 kieran grew up far quicker than any 15 really should. he got his first job and began trying to keep things at least just scraping by, because if he didn’t there was a real chance that he, amelia and his mother would be kicked out of their family home.

his mother did manage to help him out as best she could but his father’s actions and behaviour was taking a toll on her.

he was hellbent on not allowing amelia & his mother from suffering the full brunt of the storm their father and husband had created.

kieran thought that this would be his life forever. juggling school, work and trying to keep his whole life and family from completely collapsing but one night, one action taken too far that left kieran with a black eye given to him by his father, was all it took for kieran’s mother to kick kieran’s father out. *********************

kieran was in his last year at high school and 18 when his father left and to say kieran’s upset about not knowing where he went would be a complete lie. seeing the back of him was a blessing because even though their lives had taken a dive and it would take a lot to get back up to where they were, at least he wasn’t in amelia & his mother’s lives anymore.

but before we can go any further, there’s one thing you need to know !!! anything creative had been kieran’s saving grace over the course of his teenage years. drawing, painting, photography, music, creating, it helped settle all the emotions that raced through him, it grounded him when nothing else could and if there was one thing he knows, it’s that his ultimate dream would be to become a concept artist for films both live-action and animation but for all his life that’s just what it feels like it’ll always be—a dream and since college wasn’t exactly something on his radar—mostly because he was damn sure he couldn’t afford it and his grades weren’t good enough to get a scholarship—it felt even more out of reach.

but he wasn’t exactly going to give up on his dream that easily, especially when his younger sister wasn’t going to let him let it go that easily either, so as graduation came and went and everyone started to leave to go to college, kieran walsh stayed in provincetown and started to enrol into online courses for concept art and illustration via the online college of digital art & animation, cg spectrum and as a whole he studied three courses over the course of 3 years.

there are sometimes where he wishes he could have gotten out of provincetown and gone to college—just to experience that #collegelife. but he knows he couldn’t ever bring himself to do that because you see, even though his mother got a new job and started trying to return back to some sense of normal when kieran was 18, kieran can’t bring himself to leave?? the thought of leaving amelia and his mother on their own is too much, he’s terrified of his mother retreating back within herself and leaving amelia to look after herself—he can’t bring himself to leave them after more or less supporting the whole family for almost his whole teenage years. but he knows eventually he’ll have to go out on his own and he is in the process of it!! he’s managed to move out at least into an apartment of his own when he was 20, though it’s not all that far from his family home. but it’s a step.

though he’s still procrastinating on the finding a steady job thing, in the mean time he’s doing a lot of freelance things here and there for adverts, small indie animated videos/short movies, designed a couple things for some big name youtubers and even has helped on the illustrations for some children’s books. but he’s still holding out for his dream to come true.

PERSONALITY

an actual soft boy!!! loves his little sister & mother more than anything in the world and has literally put his own happiness and life to the side to make sure they’re happy and thriving after the shit they’ve been through. he loves with his whole heart and it’s both a blessing and a curse.

but he’s so use to being the one to take care of everyone else that he’s never stopped to take care of himself?? and to imagine someone caring about him and loving him is something he cannot get his head around??

a very private person. maybe comes across like he’d be a bit of an asshole but he’s actually relatively friendly?? probably that person you think you know everything about but in reality you actually don’t know nothing about them??

he finds it hard to let people get close and finds it hard to trust others??

may have something to do with the fact that he’s terrified of becoming life his father?? but really is far more like his mother, he just has a bit of a hard time showing it??

hasn’t ever really touched alcohol that much and doesn’t intend on doing so any time soon, he terrified of turning into his father!!!!! we love that

a little rough around the edges and takes a while to break down his walls but once you’ve managed to weed your way into his heart you’ll be there forever and he’ll love you with his whole heart.

loves the snackpack with his whole heart, his dumbass energy really comes out strong around them because YOU KNOW he’s a complete idiot underneath that hardish exterior.

proud of his friends that got out of provincetown and went to college, but also a little salty about being left behind — we don’t talk about that though

if anyone would like to plot a little something, my ims are always open, i’m also up for plotting via discord, and i’d love to plot a little something!! i swear i don’t bite so please send me an im if you’re up for something, but honestly if you give this a like i’ll come to you!!

but if you are interested in plotting, i have a plots page with loose ideas here!!

#snackpackintro #we out here falling for fcs that have hardly any gif icons #love that for me!#watch me start to make my own gif icons

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6ad6ro · 5 years

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yesterday i was at my friends store, and an older 50-60ish guy came in. and suddenly brought up whatever new infinity movie came out recently. i let them talk but at one point they brought up an excessively STUPID plot difference (compared to old inf gaunt comics).

and i was like "wait WHAT?" bc did they really do such a dumb thing? and another nice worker who wandered into the conv was like "wait u haven't seen it?" and im like "no god i hate marvel movies more than anything lol i just loved the ig comics".

and this older dude just stares HATE at me. like pure judgement like "you don't belong here" eyes. and was like "well you like the dc ones at least right!?" and im like "god no those are even worse. but srry don't mind me im v picky w movies nowadays and mostly watch indie stuff." like trying to make things less awkward? keep in mind i was never talking to this guy he kept trying to be a part of the conv w my friend and i.

and finally i think it calms down n i let them talk and wait for him to go away, since he was just a talkative customer... and he then turns to me and ALMOST RABIDLY shouts "well you like john wick at least right!!??" and... i've only seen the first but it's like so awful and edgelordy it makes fightclub look like high art? like lol. and i kinda go "not my think srry but it's cool if u like....." and his eyes bug out and he angrily walks away shaking his head.

and THAT. that right there? that. is a big reason why shitty current popcorn action movies bug me. it's this idea that if you don't enjoy low effort corporately designed movies? that you're insane. like i guess other opinions and preferences can't exist. if you wanna be a "cool nerd" you better watch every piece of boring cinema big studios barf out. so u can talk about how uninspired the characters are. and how indistinguishable strong man A punched strong man B. yippie yay.

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softscholasticism · 5 years

Text

•delilah, darling•

rami malek x oc | ch. 2

a/n: ahh im so sorry that i made y’all emotional with the first chapter... um this one isnt any better... sorry?? anyway, once again, thank you so much for reading, THANK YOU FOR 500 FOLLOWERS, and if you’d like to be tagged please let me know:) AND THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT

word count: 6k+

warnings: angst, manipulative boyfriend, and deacy gets super pissed at the end so yeah. ALSO MARY DOESN’T OWN GARDEN LODGE OR EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE, BC FICTION. also this chapter isn’t that great so i guess that’s another warning.

chapter one

C H A P T E R T W O: you get away with murder

Summer, 2010

The Garden Lodge was quiet this morning. Delilah had received the Lodge from Uncle Fred in his will along with a rather large sum of money. Jim had lived with her for as long as he could until he had passed at the beginning of the year. She lived a quiet life, mourning the loss of so many people in her life. Even with Freddie’s death being so traumatic for her, she couldn’t be prepared for Jim’s death. She had been with him right until the end just as he had been there for Freddie. She had spent the last 6 months going through the motions of life, using a scheduled life as a distraction from the emptiness of her Godfather and Jim’s passing.

She hadn’t been the same since November 24, 1991 and it showed. She barely talked to her family and only spoke to Phoebe, Roger, Brian and her parents when she put it in her schedule. Of course, her parents understood, John had stepped down from his position in Queen due to Fred’s death becoming too much for him as well as needing to focus on his family and being there for them. The only thing that kept Delilah going was the small, golden locket that hung from her neck. Delilah was a woman now, no longer the little girl that been playful and so loving, she believed she had been a woman since Freddie’s passing. She longed for hope and joy she had once found in her Godfather, she wanted it so desperately but she didn’t know how.

On a day like today, Delilah had planned to go through her typical regiment. She woke up, drank coffee, read a book, gardened, ate lunch, read some more, call one of her uncles and her dad, ate dinner, went to bed but not before curling up with tears shining in her blue eyes.

When Delilah was eight, she remembered Freddie talking about the “in-between moments” where life is just kind of mundane and thoughts aren’t distracted by activities. In her 29 years of age, she now understood what her Uncle was talking about. She shrunk back into her mind, allowing memories of her past to overwhelm her. Delilah pretended that her blanket was a pair of arms, trying to form some kind of comfort and fill the void that had raged upon her. The void filled her like a wildfire, the flames swallowing every sense of peace she had and left her with ashes of her past. She could try to pretend like everything was okay, but once she wasn’t distracted her thoughts came back to haunt her, breaking her heart all over again.

Something was different about this day however, Delilah was out gardening, the sound of tourists coming to visit the lodge and leaving presents or notes to her Uncle. She didn’t mind however. Delilah understood what is was like to mourn, so it didn’t bother her that people came to leave anecdotes about Freddie, in fact she thought it was lovely. People saw just how special Fred was in the same way that Delilah did, so who was she to deprive people of expressing their feelings when she felt the same way? The brunette enjoyed hearing people singing to the Garden Lodge or just the white noise of people reminiscing about her Godfather while she gardened. So here she was, picking some weeds out from the flower bed, softly smiling at the buzz of Garden Lodge. She worked quietly, her hair pulled back in a braid due to the Deacon gene of fluffy hair, the other workers in the Lodge moved around as well, gardening or cleaning amongst other jobs.

Suddenly, the shrill ring of the telephone roared over the tourists and workers, taking Delilah out of her focus, a worker came and fetched her saying that it was her father. Delilah’s eyebrows furled in confusion, typically she was the one to call him after she had finished her work in the lodge. John knew that she needed to keep her schedule and that she didn’t much like change in order to stay sane, so Delilah figured this was something important. Her stomach dropped at that thought, the last time someone called her it was always brought bad memories. Calls always meant that someone had passed or became sick or would ask her about Freddie. She liked to start the calls because it gave her control over the conversation, distracting her from the in-between moments that she hated.

Solemnly, she nodded her head, taking her gloves off she walked inside to the phone that the worker was carrying. Taking a deep breath, she spoke, “Hi, Dad.” Her heart was beating rather quickly in anxiety, not knowing how to react to this change in her daily regiment.

“Delilah, darling!” Delilah winced at the nickname, not wanting to think of where her family had coined that phrase. “I’m sorry for calling you so early, but I wanted to ask you something.” John was nervous, his niece had voiced her dislike of change but he wanted her to live, not just go through each day doing the same thing over and over again. He didn’t want her to become like him and he was afraid that that had already happened.

“That’s quite alright, Dad, I was just gardening. What’s up?” Her hands were shaking, this was so different, she despised different. John proceeded to explain that he needed a book to read that someone had told him about, of course, John couldn’t go and get it himself because he much preferred to stay home. He mentioned that all of her other siblings were either gone or busy and couldn’t go get it and that she was the only one who could do it. “What about Mum, couldn’t she go get it for you?” Delilah knew how busy her siblings always were, so she understood, but the idea of leaving Garden Lodge was a daunting task.

“No, no your mother has friends over. Please could you do this for me, Delilah?” John felt horrible. In fact, he didn’t need the bloody book at all. He just wanted her to get out of that house and do something. “You could go to that one coffee place you’ve been dying to try because they have special type of milk they use in their drinks. And yes, Bri and Rog did tell me that you talked about wanting to go by it, so I know that you want to go.” And there it was, Delilah knew why he called. He might’ve needed the book but she knew how badly he wanted her to go out and away from the place that haunted her dreams. A somber feeling washed over her, her father just wanted her to get better, he understood her best and she recognized his desire for her happiness when he probably was feeling the same as she was.

Delilah nodded her head, “Of course, Dad. I’ll go get it for you and the coffee, I’ll grab one for you too if you’d like?” John laughed in victory and did a little happy dance around his telephone, expressing how that bringing him coffee would be lovely. He told her how proud he was of her and to be careful. Delilah shook her head as she giggled at her father’s antics and told him goodbye. She told the worker to fetch her car and soon she was off, the people in front of the lodge recognized her and tried to get close but she was faster. While she did appreciate their love for her uncle, she didn’t want to be hounded by them.

The ride to the bookstore was calm, on the inside she was freaking out at her schedule change but it felt almost rebellious in a way. Her fingers shook with excitement as she parked, stepping out the air felt lighter. The bookstore was a petite building, the inside was warm. As she walked around looking at the Lodge, Delilah realized that the Lodge had begun to grow cold, yes, she had the workers company along with her two dogs, but it still felt so empty. She knew why it felt empty, but she wanted to hold onto the memories that were held in Garden Lodge so she stayed in it. The small store had bookcases that touched the ceiling and had multiple bean bags or couches so people could sit and read. It brought back a childlike awareness that she barely let herself experience.

After grabbing the book her father needed, she walked around for much longer than she needed to, buying multiple novels in the process so she could have more to read in the Lodge. She had already been through most of the books in the Library that Freddie had turned one of the cat’s rooms into, the ones she hadn’t read were either things she read as a teenager or were silly things like dictionaries or encyclopedias that she had no patience for. Once Delilah had purchased all of the books she acquired, she began her walk to the coffee shop. Luckily it was a block away so she didn’t need to drive over there.

A soft clicking noise sounded from across the street, Delilah didn’t think anything of it though. She walked inside the coffee shop and was immediately hit by the strong smell of espresso, soft indie music playing in the background. Much like the bookstore, this coffee shop was so warm and cozy. There was also an upstairs spot that was considered a study area and had whiteboards and bean bags as well as couches with too many pillows. She had barely been in the building for five minutes and she was in love. Delilah still felt uncomfortable with being out in public but she was comforted by the soft atmosphere.

Making her way to the cashier, she was met by one of the most beautiful men she’s ever laid eyes upon. He was tall around the same height as Uncle Brian probably. He skin was a deep brown, his eyes the same color, he was muscular too, much to her appreciation. “Excuse me, can I help you?” Delilah blushed and quickly apologized, not realizing that she had been staring for much too long. The man, Charles as his name tag provided, laughed lightly at her demeanor, saying that he didn’t mind. “What would you like?” Charles was intrigued, the woman had looked familiar and it did help that she was quite gorgeous.

Delilah, wanting to escape from her embarrassment, asked for a simple latte, something she was familiar with and comfortable with ordering. She rapidly paid and made her way to one of the small, two person tables, waiting patiently for her drink while wallowing in her distress. Delilah realized she had allowed herself to get stuck in her brain again because suddenly, Charles was sitting in front of her, holding her drink. She jumped practically out of her seat, not at all easing her nerves in front of this gorgeous specimen.

At first glance, Charles thought the woman was unique, she seemed shy and reserved, immediately he wanted to get to know her better. She seemed familiar and he couldn’t understand why. Maybe she had been to one of his gigs with his band or maybe she worked somewhere local, Charles couldn’t place his finger on it. He placed the drink in front of her and asked if they had met before.

“Oh, I don’t think so,” she laughed, hand covering her mouth, “I tend to stay at my home, I’m just running an errand for my father.” Charles nodded, understanding that people could seem familiar but really had never met.

“I see, you don’t explore the town?” The man winked, he had started to get where he wanted to go, the woman was attractive and sweet, he figured a date would be fun. As he waited for a response, Delilah nodded her head, because it was true, she never explored the city, she wanted to but it was too much of a risk for someone to recognize her and too often she saw something that reminded her of Jim and her Godfather, it was too much for her to handle. Charles however, a man she had just met, who seemed interested in her, was proposing an excuse to leave the Lodge, in a flirty manner at that.

“No, I suppose I don’t, but I would like an excuse to, I perhaps.” Delilah flirted back, her hand sliding towards his own. He noticed what she was doing and knew he was on the right track to what he wanted. Charles stood and grasped her hand, kissing it lightly.

“I’m afraid I have to go back to work, but I’m free on Saturday.” A blush rose to Delilah’s cheeks, she sipped her latte and nodded. She had never been in a relationship before due to her being scared her heart was going to be ripped apart even more than it already had been. But Brian and Rog had been adamant that she needed friends or even a boyfriend, she figured she would make them proud.

Charles knew he had to initiate because this woman was so shy but he didn’t mind. “Let’s say seven o’clock?” He grabbed a napkin and wrote his number on it, handing it to her, enjoying the redness that fluttered and grew deeper than humanly possible. Delilah nodded, grateful that Charles left her to her coffee as she tried to comprehend what had just happened.

The brown-haired girl turned the napkin over, blue ink scribbled across but could clearly read a number and the words “see ya on saturday, love xx”. For the first time, in what seemed like forever, Delilah had plans during the weekend, something she hasn’t allowed herself to have since Fred’s death.

She called Brian and Roger immediately, realizing she had to figure out what one did on a date.

SATURDAY

“Love, you need to hurry up or else you’ll be late.” Roger exclaimed, not helping with Delilah’s stress levels, Brian was currently deciding which shoes his niece should wear. Delilah had settled the plans with Charles over text, they were going to meet at the coffee shop and he would drive them to the restaurant. Delilah suggested somewhere small and local, preferably not busy as well as them meeting up at a neutral site. She didn’t quite trust him yet to expose where she lived. Luckily, he complied and told her not to worry about dressing up either, he was adamant that she was comfortable for their first date.

Brian settled on some white chelsea boots to go with the high waisted Levi’s and coral blouse. He grabbed the shoes and walked over to where the brown haired woman was sitting and handed the shoes to her. Delilah smiled softly, adding the finishing touches to her look before putting the boots on with shaking hands.

Delilah had never allowed herself to get close to anyone besides her immediate family including Brian, Rog, and Phoebe. She had tried to a few times previously but everyone just wanted to meet her dad or ask her uncomfortable, intimate questions about Freddie that she didn’t have the strength to answer. So, she gave up the pleasure of having friends and kept to herself. But now Delilah was nearing thirty, it was time she broke out of her shell and make her life more worthwhile than the same repeated schedule every day.

“Alright, I think I need to get going. Are you guys going to hang out here for a while? You’re more than welcome to stay of course.” Delilah stood, grabbing her keys and purse, wringing her hands in nerves.

“Yeah, love. We’ll stay here just in case you need anything.” Roger wrapped an arm around the woman, kissing her cheek. They were just as nervous as she was, Delilah had been through so much heartbreak in her life and Roger as well as Brian didn’t think she could handle another one.

A huge weight was lifted off of Delilah’s shoulders, she had her uncles to watch over her just in case anything had gone awry and she couldn’t be more grateful for them. With this release of tension, Delilah kissed and hugged both of her uncles and set off, the workers all wishing her good luck as they finished up their duties and head back to their homes.

The drive to the cafe was much easier this time, Delilah knew what she was doing and hadn’t felt this excited about something in, forever it seemed like. As she parked, she saw Charles waiting for her with flowers, her favorite ones too: daisies. Delilah had no clue how he had known that she loved daisies but she didn’t care because here was an extremely attractive man, with flowers for her, about to take her to dinner, what more could she want?

“Hi, love,” Charles voice was even more smooth than it had been when she had first met him. He looked at her up and down as he approached her, “my do you look absolutely ravishing.” He sighed, kissing her cheek before presenting the flowers. Delilah’s blush wrapped around her cheeks to her ears, flattered by the show of affection of an outsider which of course, Charles was very excited to see the rosiness appear.

“We have reservations soon and it’s about a five minute walk, is that alright?” Delilah was still quiet, her nerves trying to dampen but she let out a smile and nodded. He brought his arm out for her to grab and together the two walked to a small restaurant that seemed extremely modern, but not noisy or busy much to Delilah’s appreciation. A waiter brought them to their table, the restaurant had a warm vibe to it as the couple sat down. The tables were a dark wood, one soft light over their heads along with a candle placed on the table. It was everything Delilah would dream of for a first date location-wise. So far, she was quite impressed with Charles decisions.

“Thank you for bringing me here and the flowers.” Delilah spoke softly, placing her hair behind her ear. Charles smiled one of the whitest smiles she had ever seen and put his hand in hers across the table.

“You deserve everything and more.” Delilah could melt into the chair and would be perfectly fine. Together they continued dinner, making conversation. Both were asking questions about each other’s family but Delilah was delighted when she realized that Charles wasn’t prying. That may have been because he didn’t know her past or who she was associated with or that he could tell that family was a tough subject for her. He never ever pushed her and she couldn’t feel more satisfied with this date so far.

His eyes shifted to her locket, he remembered seeing it the first time he had seen her, he figured that she wore it often. “I like your locket, where’s it from?” He saw her hand move towards the locket, the light glinting off of the golden jewelry. It looked old, worn from use. It took her a while before she spoke, when she looked at him, her eyes were watery and Charles was worried he hit a soft spot.

“I got it from my Uncle when I was 10, he passed away a little after that.” Delilah sniffed and looked back down at the locket, twisting the chain in her long fingers. Charles grasped her chin, he didn’t say anything because he didn’t know what to say. His family was large, he didn’t know what it was like to lose someone so close. So, he figured just being there for her would suffice. Again, he didn’t pry because he felt as though it wasn’t his place.

Delilah was at a loss of words, on one end, her heart was aching at having to think about the loss of Freddie but the other end was filled with so much joy because Charles didn’t try to make her feel better, he didn’t try to ask what happened or try to make the loss seem less than it was. He just proceeded to care for her and hold her, and for Delilah that was enough.

The date ended with Delilah insisting she paid for dessert. Charles had done so much and treated her with so much care, Delilah couldn’t remember the last time she had this much fun as well as how nice it was to have a companion that was relatively the same age instead of 60 year old rock stars (even though she loved them more than anything). After paying for dessert, Delilah and Charles walked out, not before Charles held the door open and placed a warm hand to her lower back. He further wrapped his arm around her leading her to her car. As the two walked closer to the car, she saw two very familiar faces waiting for her by the car thus causing Delilah’s heart to come to a full stop.

There at the end of her car was Roger and Brian. Roger Taylor, famous drummer of queen and car extraordinaire and Brian May the actual guitar hero, Delilah’s uncles.

“Oh my god.” Delilah quickly turned Charles around to face him away from them. She grabbed her phone out of her pocket and quickly realized that she had never updated Brian and Roger, she had almost 50 texts and at least 20 calls from both. Since Delilah never goes out, they worry about her constantly and like to be updated.

Delilah didn’t want to have to break the news to Charles like this, the date had been everything she wanted and so, so much more. She couldn’t bring herself to be frustrated at Brian or Rog, they were just looking out for her, Delilah’s anxiety however, was becoming a monster because this would make or break the desire of a second date.

Charles eyes drew concerned, Delilah’s whole demeanor changed within an instant. He moved to turn around and see what she was looking at but her grip was surprisingly too strong.

“Charles, I need to tell you something,” Her hands were white with how hard she was gripping him. Charles’ hands moved to her waist in order to ground the anxious woman. “You must understand that I didn’t tell you this because I was worried that you would think differently of me. It’s also not exactly my favorite subject because it brings bad memories that I would rather not think about.” Delilah continued to ramble until Charles placed his hands from her hips to her cheeks.

The woman sighed, Roger and Brian were about to approach when she shook her head, motioning for them to stop. Charles moved to see what was bothering her but again, she held him tightly. With a large inhale, she spoke.

“My family is famous.” That was so not how she had meant to word it but, it was too late. “My dad was a bass player for a band called Queen.” She watched as Charles eyes grew as wide as saucers, he realized why she had seemed so familiar from the first time he had met her. One of his musical idols is John deacon because he inspired Charles to play bass in his band. Charles had countless books and posters about Queen and read so many things on John’s bass playing, he was a very strong Queen fan. He didn’t know how he hadn’t realized it earlier but then again, this was only their second date.

He didn’t continue, not exactly knowing what to say because how does one react to the fact that they’ve got a famous girlfriend or partner. She continued to explain who her dad was and that Brian and Roger were her main source of contact since John preferred to stay quiet, which Charles knew of course from his research.

As she finished, Delilah allowed the man to turn around and come face to face with the people he had been idolizing for his entire life. Somehow during their date, the topic of Charles’ band never came up so she had no idea that he was a) a bass player or b) a huge Queen fan, so the prospect of meeting the two didn’t seem like a big deal, in the grand scheme of things.

This was it, Charles thought, this is how I’m going to be successful.

Fall, 2010

Delilah was backstage at one of Charles’ concerts, thinking about the time when he had broke her the news that he just so happened to play bass in a band and that she knew who her parents were and looked up to John. However, instead of getting the spiel about how he wanted to meet her parents, Charles respected her boundaries and allowed her to make the call for when they should meet.

The club that the gig was in was dark and filled with smoke. The only light source being the lights from the stage that bloomed with color and reflected off of the instruments and faces of the crowd. Delilah had been to many gigs, never fully in the crowd though. It was difficult at first for her boyfriend to get her to come but she came nonetheless. Charles’ concerts were much different than the ones she had been to, the crowd was only of hundreds and not hundred thousands, the band (known as Cash Only) played in very small venues with closed roof which was of course, a stark contrast to the Wembly’s and Budapest’s among other famous Queen venues. In a way, that’s what Delilah loved so much about these concerts, they didn’t allow her to think of her childhood, the just focused on music and the feeling that it brought, not the memories of Freddie’s warm hugs or encouraging words, or the luxurious things that her father and Roger would take them to do. Charles’ concerts allowed Delilah to enjoy music again.

This quickly became Delilah’s new and improved schedule, instead of staying at home all day and doing nothing, she hung out with Charles and went to lunches and fancy dinners. Delilah was content, a word she hadn’t used since in a very long time. She talked to her family more, even her siblings seemed like they wanted to talk to her! The concerts really helped to because while they were a great distraction from her past, they also let the woman pretend that for a second, just a small moment, that Delilah was back in those massive arenas with deafening screams. Delilah could pretend that Jim and Freddie were there and by the time Cash Only set was over, her blue eyes would by red from tears. Charles never questioned it, Delilah had opened up to him about her struggles with Freddie’s death as well as Jim’s. While Charles was a big Queen fan, Delilah noticed, he only ever asked about her father.

This normal schedule of concerts and hanging out would pass on for another month into the anniversary of Freddie’s death. Delilah had already told Charlie that she would prefer to be alone because she would be having her father, Rog and Brian over the whole day. The four of them would all hang out together just supporting each other. Phoebe would come over later for supper, he much preferred to spend the day alone typically.

The morning of the anniversary rolled around like a thunderous cloud, black and thick with moisture. Delilah’s body felt heavy and her head pounded. The Lodge seemed especially empty on a day like this day. Charles had still never been to the Garden Lodge mainly for safety reasons, so it was still just the workers and Delilah. Delilah had her nails painted red in representation of AIDs awareness, sparkly of course because Freddie was known for his extravagance. The sunlight shone through the window and gleamed off of her bright red nails as she put her locket on, immediately sending her into tears of pure anguish. Her brain was going through the torturous moments of having to relive her last moments with a very sick Fred. As the years passed, missing him would never ever get any easier but this year felt especially gut-wrenching because it also meant the loss of his husband too, Jim.

By the time John had arrived, Roger and Brian were cooking breakfast, Delilah sat on a stool at the table with a large blanket surrounding her. No one spoke. No one needed to. They just needed each other’s presence and comfort to get through.

Throughout the day, the Lodge was quiet, the workers had warned them not to go outside because hundreds of mourners were at the gate of the lodge paying their respects. Delilah’s heart warmed because it didn’t matter that Freddie’s death was almost twenty years previous, he still had such an impact on such a large audience, she could never ever turn the mourners away from the Lodge if it meant that they got to pay their respects.

By the time Phoebe had shown up, the four people were sat on the couch, tears still falling silently. There was nothing to ease the hurt, their friends and family were taken and there was nothing that could bring them back.

The sky grew dark meaning this wretched day was almost over, Charles hadn’t texted Delilah all day thus bringing surprise to Delilah when she had seen that he had texted her. Don’t check the news right now. The text had said, which of course prompted the brunet to check it, she suddenly had thousands of notifications once she opened the app, after finding the culprit of all of this mayhem, a gossip organization was talking about Freddie’s death and had pictures of all of the mourners outside of the lodge when suddenly, a picture of Delilah and Charles popped up on the television.

The reporters spoke about how there were numerous sightings of the “mysterious Deacon” and further questioned where her father would be. Delilah’s heart stopped, for so long she and her father had stayed out of the limelight. Luckily, there were no pictures of her father, just ones from the 90’s. But Delilah knew how the media worked, now that someone knew something about her whereabouts, this would spiral in the frenzy of trying to figure out where not only she went burt where her father went too.

Winter, 2010

The media had stayed relatively calm, Delilah still stuck with her schedule she had created with Charles. Of course, there were still pictures but somehow Charles always ended up standing in front of her and the camera, flashing a darling smile at the paps. It confused Delilah, she didn’t understand why he felt the need to stand between her and them or that he had to give those ridiculous smiles. Delilah just kept pushing through, living life whilst attempting to get over her past.

Christmas time rolled around quicker than Delilah could’ve imagined and the inevitable question came from her boyfriend. “I think I should meet your parents.” He didn’t ask it as a question, he never did, he normally just said it and that was it. Charles’ nature almost seemed non-negotiable, Delilah was starting to feel uneasy about what kind of relationship she was in with this seemingly sweet, rugged man.

Up until Christmas came, Charles wouldn’t stop talking about how excited he was to meet the John Deacon. He no longer would ask questions about Delilah or ask her about her day, all he cared about was Queen and specifically her father’s roll in it. She didn’t really mind at first, understanding what it was like to have someone to look up to. She was so grateful that someone appreciated her father as much as she did and thus she didn’t quite mind answering a question or two about the luxuries of rockstar life.

Her relationship was going on 5 months long, yet it no longer felt like a relationship. It felt like the only person that was contributing was herself and even then it was barely. The separation didn’t help that Charles’ band was growing more popular (thanks to the paparazzi pictures finding out who he is), this made Charles much more focused on music than actually kissing his girlfriend hello. Yet, despite all of this, Delilah was still deeply in love with him, when he would kiss her, fireworks spread throughout her body. She longed for touch she didn’t allow herself to have but with Charles it was so easy to let herself go. So, he stayed.

Christmas was a quiet affair, all of her siblings were present with their S.O.’s, the warmth of the Deacon household was christened with Christmas. Delilah loved Christmas, it was always so warm and fuzzy. It also was the best because her older siblings used to sneak her eggnog that had a kick to it and her siblings actually spoke to her. Charles was a hit, her siblings and mother doting on him and making sure he was well fed.

“He seems nice.” John whispered, standing next to Delilah handing her the alcoholic drink. Delilah nodded, feeling at peace with how well having someone meet her family went. The rest of the holiday continued with presents and even Charles got a bunch of nerdy bass things from John. There was so much laughter, if only it had lasted so much longer.

A couple days later, Charles had completely ghosted Delilah. No texts, no calls, no emails, nothing. She didn’t want to seem clingy by sending him a constant stream of worried messages. Roger and Brian were kept in charge with making sure everything was okay, Deaky’s orders. Anxiety pooled in Delilah’s stomach. This went on for another week, she even went to the coffee shop he worked at only to discover that he no longer worked there. He could be dead, he could be hurt, hospitalized, anything, and Delilah was stuck not knowing what was going on.

On the eighth day of not knowing where her boyfriend was, Delilah received a text. We’re over, been seein one of the band’s fans, hope you don’t mind if i keep the bass stuff. And just like that, another rock bottom had been hit. Delilah read the message over and over again, trying to see if it was real, if it was Charles and trying to understand how everything in her life had changed within the matter of seconds, again.

The deep feeling of anguish roared into her chest, the brunet threw her phone across the room, catching the attention of Brian and Roger. This feeling she had wasn’t grief however, it was embarrassment, loneliness, heartbroken. The two men ran to her and grasped her shoulders trying everything to get her breathing to slow. The sobs were harsh, chest wrecking, her sweet, sweet Charles was gone. Someone normal and kind, who cared about her, gone. Delilah couldn’t understand what she did to deserve this life of sadness. The dark cloud that was once black over her head had started to become a lighter grey, but storms come and go, this time it seemed just as strong as the others.

All Delilah wanted was to be normal, to love and be loved. She didn’t ask for her family to be what it was, she didn’t ask for her family to be affected by this wretched disease. No, all Delilah wanted was a sense of normalcy in her shrouded world.

At some point one of the men had gotten up to get Delilah some water, Delilah didn’t know who and she didn’t care. All she could do was focus on the weight of the locket that brought a fraction of comfort. A shrill ringing overtook her ears, someone answering it, again, Delilah had no clue who was talking, her brain just running through the recent events.

The telly in front of her turned on, Roger’s hands shakily holding the remote. Images of her home, not the Lodge but her family home. Images of her dad, mother, and siblings talking and laughing. These would be normal pictures, family pictures that could’ve been kept for a keepsake. But they were in the news, a detail Delilah noticed was that it was Christmas. The only one who could’ve taken these pictures was… him. Her life, her private life not to mention her father’s life was exposed for the world to see. They had took such care of everything, keeping everything quiet and not trying to be bothered and all of that was being blown up right in front of their very own eyes.

This heartbreak was much worse, she knew she let everyone down. The Deacon family was very cautious about bringing outsiders in and Delilah broke the most important rule they had. The Deacon’s wanted a quiet and private life, but Delilah had to go and ruin everything.

Roger and Brian were trying to talk to her but still, her ears didn’t put together the functions needed for her brain to register the words. Nothing made sense, everything was going so well, but Delilah had to get close to someone like she did with Freddie, Jim, her siblings, friends from school, etc, and the end result turned catastrophic.

The tears poured out again, there was no coming back from this. Her life would be absolutely insane for a while now, paps trying to get more of her privacy that she clung to, people trying to learn more about who she was associated with. Brian’s arms held her tightly, whether that was to restrain her from doing something bad or for comfort she didn’t know. Delilah’s brain was going a million miles a second, trying to ground something.

The front door to the Lodge slammed open. “Delilah!” Her father roared, steam-rolling into where she was. The hairs on Delilah’s neck stood, her father knew how to use his words to tear someone apart piece by piece. She had heard plenty of stories and had even witnessed it once herself. Her regularly friendly father was pissed. Her mother was behind John, trying to hold him back, they both had tears streaming down their eyes, disappointment laced within them.

“How could you?” John whispered, he was so frustrated with his daughter that he couldn’t even think to notice how upset she was. “You ruined our privacy, your damn relationship and decisions ruined our lives.” He went on and on for what seemed like hours, using his words to pick apart every insecurity that she had to emphasize just how bad this whole situation was. Brian, Roger, and Delilah’s mother kept trying to get Deaky to stop but he kept going and going. By the end of the monologue, there was nothing left of Delilah’s heart. It was so broken that there were no longer pieces, it was just dust that was carried off into the wind.

For her whole life, Delilah just wanted to please her family, she just wanted to be like her Daddy or Uncle Freddie or her Mummy. Delilah wanted happiness but it seemed she would never happen again for her. There was nothing left for John to feast on it seemed. Everyone stood silently, not knowing what to say, tears were coming down in waterfalls, tears that should’ve been gone but Delilah figured with all of her sadness, they wouldn’t go away. Roger moved to talk but John had one last thing on his mind, he looked at Delilah right in her blue eyes and spoke, not caring that they shone with tears just like they had when Freddie had died.

“I don’t want to see you anymore,” he whispered, almost too soft for her to hear. Her mom protested, saying that John was not thinking straight. “I don’t want to have any calls from you, texts, books, movies, dinners, lunches you name it, I don’t want it Delilah. You ruined our bloody lives, just like you ruined Fred’s” None of it made sense, nothing made sense. John turned on his heel and walked out, not caring about how the screams of anguish twisted his heart, not listening to Brian and Roger or his wife. He was blinded by madness so harshly that he couldn’t see that he had obliterated any kind of relationship that he had had with Delilah.

As for the brunet, she couldn’t take it anymore, she had to get out of the Lodge, not knowing where, she just knew she didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s lives like she thought she did.

tag you’re it: @ironqueen98 @bellamy1998 @missmercurythekillerqueen @philosophical-dumbass @deacydeacy @wanderlustnightwanderer

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maplestreetsims · 5 years

Photo

get to know me tag!

so, i came to catfish you all with my updated simself, also i made her with alpha cc bc why not?

I saw @galaxsims did this and i thought it might be fun, so the point of this is to make a simself and answer some q’s so people get to know you better

I’m going to tag anyone who wants to do this, Just go crazy

- trash under cut -

1. What is your full name? Constanza

2. What is your nickname? most people call me coti, i had a few friends that called me constance tho

3. Birthday? July 1, 2000

4. What is your favorite book series? i dont read as much as i used to so i dont have one

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? aliens yes, ghosts...maybe? just for the spookines of it all tbh

6. Who is your favorite author? i dont read dont come for me

7. What is your favorite radio station? i never listen to the radio, mostly spotify

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? anything cheese flavored, or like pizza? idk im thinkin chips here

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? amazing, cool!

10. What is your current favorite song? literally queens entire discography??? like i saw bohemian rhapsody last week, i liked queen before but now im like on hyperdrive or something

11. What is your favorite word? chaos

12. What was the last song you listened to? Somebody to love, by (you guessed it) queen

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? hmm... i dont know, skam, maybe freaks and geeks

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? pride (2014) always makes me feel happy when i watch it, i really like it

15. Do you play video games? yes

16. What is your biggest fear? Ending up alone, but not romantically, more of like no friends, or family

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? i dont know... i just try to be a good person?? like i put myself in others peoples shoes and treat them how i would like to be treated i guess, bc i know how its like being treated like shit and i wouldnt want that for anyone lol

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? my socializing skills? or lack thereof

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? i like them both the same

20. What is your favorite season? i dont like any season sjdjsdk

21. Are you in a relationship? nope

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? just.. happiness?? not only my own but like everyone in my family (yikes) also my innocence

23. Who is your best friend? haha ha

24. What is your eye color? brown

25. What is your hair color? Dark brown

26. Who is someone you love? no one honestly, maybe my pets?

27. Who is someone you trust? literally anyone who is nice to me, that’s bad

28. Who is someone you think about often? my friends, classmates

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? nothing currently

30. What is your biggest obsession? The sims, life is strange and detroit become human.....also queen?, weird combinations

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Art attack! also the cocodrile hunter??? that was my shit!!

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? I know i just said i trust everyone but like....i dont open up, like ever

33. Are you superstitious? No

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? Elevators?? and cars...are those phobias?

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind

36. What is your favorite hobby? Editing, playin sims... u know

37. What was the last book you read? I cant remember fghjkljhg probably something for school

38. What was the last movie you watched? Bohemian rhapsody rip

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? i wish i could play any musical instrument, but i suck tbh

40. What is your favorite animal? cats and dogs™

41. What are your top 5 7 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow?

@pollinationqueen @cosmic-espie @omiscanking @bloomlet @gunthermunch @cowberrys and @mellocakes ♥♥

42. What superpower do you wish you had? telekinesis??? um hell yeah why would anyone want anything else

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? this is weird but when im riding the bus home, listening to music

44. What makes you smile? my simblr, youtube videos...

45. What sports do you play, if any? i wish

46. What is your favorite drink? coca cola beech!

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? I dont even remember, but i had to write something like that around this year at least

48. Are you afraid of heights? yes

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? it used to be hearing people chew, but i think im over it

50. Have you ever been to a concert? no, never

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? No

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? a vet

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? idk sis

54. What is something you worry about? my future, and my life

55. Are you scared of the dark? sometimes

56. Do you like to sing? yes, only when im alone

57. Have you ever skipped school? yeah, but i tried not to, it felt like i was missing out and that kinda made me feel like shit??

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? i dont think i have one, but more like a bunch of them? and only at specific times if that make sense, like the outside of that theater at nightime when i went to see a play with my friends a while ago

59. Where would you like to live? mmm maybe the usa? or anywhere where i could get to speak english all the time

60. Do you have any pets? a cat and a dog, Mercury and Candy!

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Night owl, def

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets, im never up for sunrises anyways, unless i stayed up all night

63. Do you know how to drive? no but i hope that i do at some point, although im scared of cars

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones

65. Have you ever had braces? nope, my teeth are as straight as me

66. What is your favorite genre of music? rock, indie...maybe pop rock?

67. Who is your hero? i dont have one

68. Do you read comic books? not really

69. What makes you the most angry? myself sometimes

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Real book all the way, when i do read that is

71. What was your favorite subject in school? cinematography class???? idk how it translates properly but that was my fave, although the teacher fucking ruined it for all of us tbh

72. Do you have any siblings? nope

73. What was the last thing you bought? a bus ticket

74. How tall are you? 4′9...yikes

75. Can you cook? not at all

76. What are three things that you love? this blog, my family and my pets

77. What are three things that you hate? hooo boy

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? i have 0 friends what does that mean? jk i actually would say its pretty equal

79. What is your sexual orientation? yes

80. Where do you currently live? Uruguay, montevideo

81. Who was the last person you texted? my dad

82. When was the last time you cried? last week

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? jenna and julien, and probably every sims youtuber(seriously)

84. Do you like to take selfies? not so much

85. What is your favorite app? tumblr, or youtube

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? its alright

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? portugeese

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? mmm all of them

89. What is your favorite number? 7

90. Can you juggle? Nop

91. Are you religious? no

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? The ocean

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? hahah no

94. Are you allergic to anything? i used to be allergic to a bunch of shit when i was a kid but im not allergic to it anymore?? like chocolate, oranges....cats, and dust

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yes

96. Can you wiggle your ears? Yes

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? always hopefully

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? Forest

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? i dont really ask for advice that often so...idk

100. Are you a good liar? No, but i try

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Hufflepuff

102. Do you talk to yourself? i used to talk to myself all the time, but now i barely do it, thats a good thing right?

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? no, i used to when i was a kid but it was pure garbage

105. Do you believe in second chances? Depends

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? look for an id to see if i cant turn it in, if not....well

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Yes, but only in certain things

108. Are you ticklish? i dont even know, probably not

109. Have you ever been on a plane? no

110. Do you have any piercings? yeah, my ears

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? idk

112. Do you have any tattoos? No, but hopefully i will some day!

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? i dont know....

114. Do you believe in karma? yeah

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? no

116. Do you want children? yeah why not

117. Who is the smartest person you know? honestly i don’t know

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? doing a cindirella theatre play for my school when i was 12, i was cindirella, i dont wanna talk about it njxkcfxf

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? not that i remember, i always end up falling asleep, dosent matter if its like 10 minutes

120. What color are most of you clothes? green.........i dont even like green

121. Do you like adventures? yeah maybe, depends on what it is

122. Have you ever been on TV? yeah i have actually lmao, it was on a kids tv show

123. How old are you? 18

124. What is your favorite quote? “We don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents”

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? savory!!

#tag game #saviorhide #me stuff #non sims #simself #get to know me tag

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