#it hurts me real bad

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[kiwibongos]

horrible gift for @hajihiko based on their fic 'salt the earth' bc it broke me and i need a way to cope

read it here :>

og:

#in hopes u see this haji in all seriousness ur writing is fucking great #like i actually have no words im exploding #im hoping to make real fanart for it sometime if i can brainstorm ideas #(but my brain is dry rn lol) #anyway ur a big inspo to me i adore all ur stuff stay strong king #how dare u hurt me so bad #love it #bongo art #art #digital art #danganronpa #danganronpa v2 #danganronpa v2 goodbye despair #hajime hinata #sdr2 #teruteru hanamura

[goldkirk]

[sits bolt upright from lying on the floor, idly contemplating the ceiling at 5:29 p.m.]

MAYBE I’M NOT WORTHLESS! MAYBE I’M NOT EVIL WRAPPED IN DISGUISE! MAYBE I’M NOT STAINED AND DIRTY AND CORRUPTED IN MY SOUL! MAYBE I’M NOT HORRID! MAYBE PEOPLE REALLY WEREN’T TOTALLY TRICKED INTO LIKING ME! MAYBE I’M NOT A BLACK STAIN AND DRAIN ON THE WORLD! MAYBE I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING GOOD TO SHARE!

#THIS IS A REVELATION #I was reading ao3 comments and it suddenly hit me that these are REAL #and I like. I am real. the world is real. I think I saw through the nonstop dissociation veil for half a second there #I. know a lot of things rationally. I thought I had been learning them emotionally too. #I realize now that I am not #but also! glory and trumpets! the glimpse of that concept where I am not an evil bad angry hurtful violent manipulative selfish human #that was a good glimpse. I hope I can believe that for minutes at a time someday #wow. can you imagine if we felt like that all the time. what the fuck. no one could stop us #I hope we get there someday! #I hope we all make it! #personal #trauma evolution

[i-d-e-g-a-f]

i ache for katara so deeply, she deserves so much better than her canon fate. i cannot express in words how much her story and how the fandom views/treats her physically hurts me

#anti kataang #katara deserved better #i know she’s a fictional character so ppl can say think and feel however they want about her and it the end of the day it shouldn’t matter #cus she’s not real but i just feel for her so deeply it hurts #katara my beloved #katara #katara my best friend who i have a DEEP parasocial relationship with i will always be on your side #they can never make me hate you #WE COULDVE HAD IT ALL #yes i’m being dramatic but also 100% serious #truly my favorite character of all time and she has been done wrong not only by the writers but by the fans too lord give her a break #i need her to get justice so bad against bryke and everyone who speaks ill on her #god please take all her suffering and give it to bryke #am i being hyperbolic right now? #your guess is as good as mine #zutara #for exposure ig #anti bryke

[atomicradiogirl]

letters to kutner

#house md #idk what hurts me more #foreman’s note or thirteen’s #house’s empty letter :( #wilson having bad handwriting is so real #ough #lawrence kutner #pain and agony #house md season 5 #thanks obama

[lesbianfakir]

Not to get personal but I think the reason princess tutu stuck with me for so long after watching it is like. As someone with low self esteem and abandonment issues seeing our hero hate who she is at her core only to make a friend who not only tolerated her “ugly” side but is so so deeply charmed by who she is under the mask that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her no strings attached? That’s the fucking DREAM

It’s the fantasy of having someone who loves you even when you’ve stopped being useful, when you can’t be funny or interesting or any of the traits you try to cultivate to make yourself more palatable to others. It’s the fantasy of having someone see to the core of you and not flinching, instead, coming away more endeared than before.

Princess Tutu is about hope. When Duck, our hero who brings hope to everyone, falls into despair, her best friend is there to bring hope back to her. And I think it says something that hope is the emotion the show leaves me with too. Hope for a better future. Hope that one day, like Duck, I’ll grow out of the ugly duckling phase and be able to embrace my true self.

#it is 2 in the morning and I can’t sleep #this one is ok to reblog if it resonates #but who knows I don’t know if anyone feels the same way #anyways yippeeeee one of my friends just stopped texting me back #I know she’s busy and she has new friends and she’s moving on with her life #still hurts though #I thought she was a real friend but I’m so bad at judging these things #anyways these are sleepy girl rambles #need a crazy bitch like fakir in my life ASAP #I feel like one true friend who’s there no matter what could fix me #but I feel like as the therapist friend everyone expects me to help them with their problems #and when I stop being helpful and have problems of my own that’s when they leave #and you gotta say fuck em and move on but it’s hard #lea talks

[navree]

i'm sorry but this is sending me into the goddamn stratosphere, if you send people to physically attack my mom, torture my sister, cut my six year old son's head off, threaten to murder my toddler, and then also threaten to rape my six year old daughter, i would be very happy and jovial in declaring war on your psycho ass for pulling that shit on people who literally didn't do a thing to you.

consequently, if i sent people to physically attack someone who never did me any harm, torture my sister who never did me any harm, cut my six year old nephew who never did me any harm's head off, threaten to murder my toddler nephew who never did me any harm, and also threaten to rape my six year old niece who never did me any harm, i would be very full of regret and sorrow for what i've done, because those are bad things that i did.

#personal #house of the dragon #hotd #like yeah no SHIT aegon's super gung-ho to carpet bomb rhaenyra and her side #you murder my kid and beat up my mom and make my sister go crazy and literally threaten to RAPE MY SIX YEAR OLD #i'll go apeshit i'll have the time of my life talking about how you're gonna suffer i'll be happy as a clam about it #like rhaenyra should absolutely feel bad and fear what she started! what she started was monstrous! #and by not thoroughly denouncing daemon and removing him from her side for it she's clearly endorsing it! #and people have the right to be happy about causing her bodily harm as a result for either tacitly or outright endorsing things like this #you know things like child murder and threats of violent rape against little girls #(and i mean even just the bad precedent to set of 'you did something that hurt me so i have the right to take it out') #('not on you or anyone who supported you but civilians who weren't even remotely involved in the situation at all') #like come on rhaenyra's side is in the wrong for blood and cheese and it's so fine for aegon (as the person most deeply affected by it) #to be happy about any retribution he could bring on her #just as it is both fine and actually really good for rhaenyra as a character to feel bad about it #as the wrongful party #be fucking for real

[inkskinned]

i've been in pretty much constant pain for the past 4 months. i have a slipped disc. the mri this weekend finally confirmed what i'd already suspected. mostly, i just put up with it.

i've been in a pretty bad mental space since winter began. my brain is leaking out from between my ears. i just don't care enough to listen to the rabid wet whispering of hope. i'm mostly just bored of being here, the swaddled joyless apathy.

the back pain ebbs and flows, but it's there, so i take care of it. i do my physical therapy. i get in with a specialist. i'm lucky - there's no immediate need for surgery. it's bad, but it could be worse. when i talk about how i did it (it was a very bad sneeze), i usually start laughing. it's funny! i am never comfortable, but hey. i'm young. i'll bounce back, or so they keep saying.

i just found out it's not normal to wake up every night with a category-five panic attack. i'm lucky if i am still able to remember how to spell my name right. i spend my days in a weird blank haze, exhausted, desperate for respite - only to be unable to rest during the night. i say with a laugh - i really hate it when my mental illnesses start working together. i mean, sure. unionize. it's fine. i have lost all sense of myself. there's nowhere that's actually warm in my mind.

i feel bad how often i complain about my back. my friends immediately shush my apology. dude, you slipped a disc. continue complaining.

as a kid, i think i only really admitted to the bad things... twice. for some reason, when he didn't just dismiss it - it made my dad angry. he slammed a door at me. you're fucking ungrateful. what do you have to be sad for?

what an odd delight: the slipped disc gave me the oddest wave of relief. i'm allowed to actually hurt about this thing.

i have chronic conditions which aren't "real" things. i could write a novel on the weird ways people respond to my POTS & the rest of my fun physical acronyms. i am kind of ashamed to admit - i like the way it feels to be able to say well, because of a slipped disc. a slipped disc is a real thing. a slipped disc is serious and painful. there's diagrams and infographics about slipped discs. upon my diagnosis, they immediately offered me narcotics.

i haven't been able to get up out of bed for more than a few hours. i do less and less and less and less. i have started to sit down in the shower. sighing my way from deadline to deadline. this again. in one day and out the other. people tell me i don't really need my meds. i have run out of times saying i have depression, it's become almost transparent. it's so bad my therapist suggested meeting more than once a week, but i don't want to worry her, so i never finish setting up a second meeting. every creative spark in my soul has been entirely ravaged - but that's just capitalism, baby. i don't even take the day off of work. i just show up and do a bad job and get yelled at for it.

it's not real, after all. the pain is just imagined.

#spilled ink #warm up #is this clear? #i have chronic pain & illnesses which i will not be discussing on this blog #and i will say that the way i'm treated about those is often just as bad #but since i don't have the room to give it justice on this post #it's ... about that weird sensation of... #''oh this is a real thing that actually hurts people'' #when u have spent ur life in pain and being told that pain isn't real #feeling like you are '''allowed''' to finally ACTUALLY feel pain #that sense -- oh thank god it's actually bad #idk maybe im a bad person #but sometimes i do like to write about. the actual symptoms of mental illness #and sometimes the Illnesses Do Make Me Think Bad Thoughts #so if this is weird just tell me i'll bring it up w/my therapist ig

[moonshynecybin]

fco ‼️‼️

okay damn!! short fic (1kish) for forced coming out au set near the end of the story when vale has realized some THINGS ! (not everything. especially about marc's feelings for him...) and they ARE fucking again... which of course is righttttt when hondayamaha PR are like. okay you two can break up now ! and vale's like yall mind if i fall on this sword real quick. would that be fun.

“So, we think that at the end of the season you two should be in the clear to go your separate ways, we’ve built out a separation schedule for you both to use, and emailed it to you and Marc as well. As long as you keep it relatively civil after that, we think we can call the last year a success.”

“This is—“ Vale flips the page back over, finished with it. He looks back at the bland smile of the PR person. She's very nice.

He hates her.

But he knew what this was, going in. It shouldn’t surprise him when he’s reminded of what it’s not.

He gestures at the folder in front of him, smile still easy on his face, his pulse rabbiting anxiously in his throat. He asks for clarification. Finds he needs it, badly.

“This is permission to stop? To break up?”

“Yes!” She says cheerfully, like it’s exciting, and Vale knew that was probably going to be her answer, but he still feels like he’s been cut off at the knees, cold water trickling it’s way down his spine. He digs his nails into one of his palms, making sure his expression doesn’t change.

She keeps speaking.

“You two have done an incredible job, and we got together with the PR team at Honda,” She gestures at Marc, somewhere to the left of Vale’s elbow. “And they agree. After the season ends you can start to move apart. You can put it all behind you.”

Like it never happened, Vale hears, and he twitches.

He should have expected this, but he didn’t. He thought that it would be up to Marc and him, when they wanted to call things off. That they could keep up this equilibrium that had the two of them balancing on an edge as sharp as a razor. Push and pull, living in anticipation of a deadline that some part of him thought would never come.

Like it never happened.

What was his relationship with Marc before all this? He knows it well enough, created most of it. The shape that it took, those last few months of the season. All the resentment. What he did to it. The way Marc had folded in on himself for weeks.

He’s only started to act like himself again recently, open and happy with the press, with Vale.

What would it look like, returning to what it was? What would it feel like, to pretend it never happened?

He scratches at the side of his face. He wants to vomit. He doesn't. He shifts a little, glances over at Marc beside him for the first time since the beginning of the conversation. He needs more information on how to react, which way to spin this, where Marc might be, when he thinks about a life without Vale.

And Marc isn’t necessarily hard to read, at this point, though there are nuances that he can— and has—missed. Álex, for instance, always seems to know, seems to have a handle on the degrees of Marc’s smile, the tone of his laugh, when he’s upset or not. But Vale is a more recent student. Has only found it necessary to apply himself this last year or so, obsessing over the angle of his eyebrows and the lines around his mouth, the way he forms his words. The timbre of his voice. Anything to perform better, to gauge how he’s feeling, to perfect the picture, find out what Vale can do for him. A catalog of Marc. 

And right now— Marc’s back is ramrod straight, unnaturally so. He is fidgeting with his hands.

No part of him is touching Vale.

Vale’s stomach bottoms out, he flicks his eyes back to the page in front of him. Thinks. Reviews.

His face, just now. The slight pinch of his posture. The inches between their bodies.

Vale had pressed his knee against him earlier. He must have moved away, sometime in the course of the conversation.

Vale glances back.

Marc looks serious, like he’s staring down the beginning of a race. His face is calm, remote, and the PR lady doesn’t seem to notice, but Vale sees the cracks show through. A stark contrast to the way he was last week, sprawled out in the sheets of Vale’s bed, loose and relaxed, the sun playing on the muscles of his back. Vale had licked a hot stripe up his spine, and Marc had shivered, ticklish. When Vale had placed a hand against the spaces of his ribs, he had laughed, and Vale could feel it against his hand. Had pressed his nose to the warmth of Marc’s skin, breathing deep. Had almost let himself think it was something he could keep.

But here and now, there’s none of that, erased in the gray light of the conference room. Marc’s shoulders have inched their way up around his ears, and he’s jittery, frenetic, picking at his cuticles. His jaw jumps when Vale speaks, brittle, like he’s bracing for something. A hit, maybe. A crash. Marc hasn’t looked this way in months. Since— Probably since Sepang, last year. Maybe Qatar, this season, before that first press conference. Staring down the field of cameras ahead of him.

A thought occurs to Vale, sudden and sickening.

He must be nervous about the breakup. Worried about the media backlash. Vale’s fans. About what people will do to them if they decide Vale hates him again. About going back to that.

Vale thumbs at the paper edge of timeline, stares at the logical sequence of steps. Plan for the Dissolution of Relationship, he reads in clinical font. Calculated to let them both get out of this with minimal damage, please the advertisers. An amicable break up. Mutual, they’ll call it.

But Vale was listening earlier, and he knows it’s not good enough— doesn’t do enough to ease the way. It'll just set them back where they were in the off-season, when Marc was losing sponsors and everyone knew that a photo of him on his knees might be enough to keep him off the bike for good. All because of Vale. And he can’t— that’s not an option.

“What if I'm seen out with someone else, at a bar or a club?” He says, and the eyebrow of the PR lady shoots up. “Would that make it cleaner for us?”

She tilts her head, considering it. Infuriatingly placid. Vale wants to scream.

“Well, you would certainly be in the tabloids again for a few days, and you’d have to be careful not to be too public about it, but–” She ends it by giving him a knowing glance that makes him feel like live ants are crawling under his skin. He doesn’t want to be seen with anyone else. He wants— “That would send a message! If you think it would make things simpler and faster, we won’t stop you if you want to do it.”

“Two weeks you said?” Vale interrupts, before she can open up the conversation any more. He needs to know how long he has left, how long Marc will— how long before he has to see Marc with anyone else. How long he can expect to be able to roll over in the middle of the night and watch him breathe. Count his lashes until he falls back to sleep.

And two weeks is—that’s. That's no time at all. That's a blink, a heartbeat. And Marc will be able to leave, like he wanted to at the beginning, and it’ll go back to how it was. In the off-season, when they weren’t talking.

The world feels distant and immediate all at once, and Vale can see the future stretch out ahead of him—polite smiles on podiums. Spraying champagne anywhere but at each other. Bland platitudes about respect in press conferences. Pretending that he hasn’t seen the freckles on Marc’s back play against his eyelids every time he's closed his eyes since Phillip Island last year 

“Two weeks, yes, and then you two can go your separate ways.” She says, and Marc shifts beside him. He hasn’t pulled further away, hasn’t put any more space between the two of them, but he’s being very quiet. Deliberately so. Cards close to his chest, clamming up like he does, like he did when Vale confronted him after Sepang. When he told him he’d only be remembered for that. They’ve both made sure that’s not the case, now.

Vale leans back in his chair and lets their arms brush, trying to get a read on him, do something— and Marc’s drawn like a bowstring, the muscle of his bicep so taught against Vale’s it feels inorganic—steel or brick. Something hard and immovable. Vale doesn’t look at him, doesn’t want to see his face. That would feel like open heart surgery.

Marc will be okay without him. He was always going to go, competition was always going to find a way between them. But he’s just like Vale, was born to ride a bike, and Vale can’t—won’t— let himself be the reason Marc is getting torn apart by the press again. Won’t let himself be the reason Marc can’t be in the paddock. Can’t be on the track, getting in Vale’s way.

He can’t be the reason this is all Marc gets remembered for.

He takes a deep breath.

“I can find someone by then.” He says.

And he feels Marc shift, and pull away from him completely.

#the arrogance coming off vale STILL lol. marc like you left me. AGAIN?? vale like i was being noble!!!! #this isnt in line with the intial conception of this fic BUT. im havin fun. what if vale was real stupid. trying to protect marc #but still not entirely conceptualizing what was so hurtful about sepang... it wasnt JUST the media. idiot. #motogp #callie speaks #asks #rosquez #forced coming out au #my fic #it really is like marc is not physically in his lap the entire convo and vale freaks out so bad he detonated the entire thing….

[to-the-all-blue]

On my walk home from the cafe I was thinking about Sanji (as one does) and how every influence in his life for 19 years screamed at him to hunker down, stay silent, and never appear weak.

As much as I love Zeff and know he loved Sanji, it's clear he has such a straight-laced and unflinching view of masculinity and what it means to be a man. The environment on the Baratie was an extension of that.

It was a machismo world where affection was hidden behind kicks to the head and insults. The kind of environment where cutting your hand or something gets a response of "what? You call that an injury? Don't cry over nothing". Where outright kindness has to be dragged out of people, and then immediately covered up with a half-baked insult.

Throw into that environmemt a little boy who is desperate to prove he's not the failure he was told he was, and out pops a man who wears his heart on his sleeve for "acceptable manly emotions" but who hides real emotions behind anger, and hides pain (physical or emotional) altogether so as not to seem weak.

Tack onto that the idea that the only surefire way to show love is through self sacrifice (his mom + Zeff), then of course Sanji will be all sorts of jacked up.

We see throughout the series how Sanji is so unwilling to be vulnerable or to even admit he's feeling hurt at all. Plaster a smile on, make some comment about loving women, and voila! He's the man's man everyone expects. No need to worry about him. After all: he's strong.

...🥺

#op meta #the news coo latest #sanji #i have like 10 different sanji-centric fics rolling around in the ol' noggin #but every single one of them features at least one scene where someone (Zoro) sees through his hyper-masculine bullshit #what really interests me is when sanji is forced to confront that fucked up view of the self he has #like for example: Zoro gets hurt and allows himself to rest or something and is unapologetically fine with being 'weak' #sanji so desperately wants to rib him for it but zoro is so stoic about it that he starts to realize 'oh...its ok...to not be ok? publicly?' #imma sit here and stew on this for awhile #Anyway the coffee from the cafe is good but now I need to go read as much Sanji trauma dump fic I can get my hands on lol #to be clear btw: i dont doubt zeff cared for sanji when he was down but i feel sanji had to be in a bad way to get the 'real emotions'

[ur-fav-bpd]

Jupiter from We Know The Devil has BPD!

#REAL #“i want to touch. i want to be touched. i want to hurt. i want to be hurt. and if you feel the same way you're as bad as me.” dies #roll call #jupiter wktd #we know the devil #wktd #borderline personality disorder #bpd #your fav has bpd #headcanon bpd

[yashley]

At the moment that you feel yourself begin to even consider giving in to this primal urge that's telling you to just release and embrace, you feel this shock of pain in your head and you have just enough strength in the back of your mind to pull out of that primal urge, acknowledge where you are, and embrace the pain and the sound of your name being shouted, recognizing the sound of Fearne's voice cutting through.

#critical role #ygifs #imogen x fearne #imogearne #cr3 #cheech trinket voice: you are super fucked up #fearne going from maybe it's Not Bad to what the FUCK is this evil world the second it takes imogen hmmmmmmmm #imogen thanking fearne and fearne GOES to SAY. SOMETHING. and DOESn't. can't hurt me it's not real. #fearne stammering over what imogen's heart Wants is like creatures to me #the progression of fearne being nonchalant with separation to panicking from her friends being taken to heartbreak of abandonment. im stewin

[senia-gaudete]

dream who sees his relationship with the corinthian like some kind of angsty ust unrequited love situation and the corinthian who is so used to loving his king he thinks it’s obvious to everyone in the dreaming and outside of the kingdom as well

#corintheus #dream of the endless #the corinthian #dream knows all his love affairs end badly #and he definitely doesn’t want a bad end for the corinthian #so he’s just full of repressed feelings #and cori on the other hand is like okay i know my king would never want me in *this* way #it hurts but it’s fine really #spoiler dream’s stupid flat ass DOESN’T think cori’s love is obvious #yes i also believe dream has flat ass let’s be real

[moongothic]

We all know how a lot of Luffy's opponents have been in some ways premonitions of the type of person Luffy could end up as if something went wrong in his life. For example Moria is what Luffy could've become had he truly lost his entire crew at Sabaody if Kuma had not saved them

And we know Crocodile is what Luffy maybe could've become had Luffy given up on his dreams and become jaded after losing to him. But like, when you think about it, that's not the only dark reflection of Luffy in Crocodile, is it

'Cause Crocodile, despite employing people for Baroque Works, did not trust anyone around him and did not considder anyone to be anything else but an employee to him. And we know he had been planning on taking over Alabasta for like 14 years (at the very least), BW being a thing for only the past four (pre-timeskip)

So like. Did Crocodile spend the last 14 years alone

Like yes he had his workers at the Casino and Robin etc, so he was like, around people, he wasn't like Brook who was in Total Isolation. But on an emotional level, has he not spent the last 14 years all by himself, completely detached from anyone, unable to trust or rely on anyone else?

That is sad as fucking shit, holy hell

'Cause then you compare him to like Luffy and like

Our sweet baby boy was so afraid of being alone that Luffy literally went through hell just to gain Ace's approval despite Ace trying to signal to him he wasn't interested befriending him

And through out the whole series Luffy reiterates time and time again how he needs and wants his friends around because he literally can't live without them, both on a literal "he can't cook or navigate or have fun by himself" level but also on that emotional level

And Crocodile just. Spent 14 years of his life, if not longer, alone.

Sweet jesus what happened to this man

And that just makes me further wonder, what the absolute fuck were Crocodile's Rookie Pirate days like?? Like did he have a crew or was he just yolo'ing it by himself???

Like. Mihawk's never been on a crew as far as we know. Kuma was a Revolutionary, not a pirate, but he wasn't like alone still. Doflaming, Hancock, Jinbei and Moria however have/had crews of their own. So what was Crocodile's deal? Did he have a crew before? Was he a captain or was he on someone else's ship? (Although surely the Government wouldn't offer the position of a Shichibukai to a cabin boy or the first mate, right)

And if he did have a crew, the hell happened to them??

Like we know Crocodile got his ass kicked by Whitebeard, I just find it unlikely Whitebeard would've pulled a Kaidou on Crocodile's crew and slaughtered them, that's not a very Whitebeard-y thing do, right?? ...Unless Whitebeard was just different 20+ years ago and was willing to annihilate entire crews. We don't know. Or maybe Crocodile and his entire crew were like Turbo Rotten from the beginning and Whitebeard figured they deserved to get wiped out, much like how we saw Shanks wipe out Kid's crew at Elbaf. Or maybe Whitebeard saw no reason to have mercy on someone affiliated with the World Government.

That all said, if we wanted to assume Crocodile had somekind of trauma that lead to him viewing people not only as disposable but also untrustworthy, then maybe losing people dear to him like that wouldn't lead to that mindset. Like Moria witnessed his beloved crew die and that caused him to want to create a crew he couldn't die, so he wouldn't go through that emotional trauma again.

Which leaves me to wonder. If something caused him to lose his ability to (emotionally) trust people, and if Whitebeard broke his dreams... Maybe Crocodile had a crew. And maybe they abandoned him when he lost to Whitebeard. Figuring they didn't need a weak captain who was probably going to bleed to death anyways. Or maybe the crew tried to take his head (after Whitebeard kicked his ass), after all, he was already a Shichibukai, anybody who took Crocodile's head could maybe attempt to take that title for themselves if the Government allowed it, and if not, at least gain more fame for themselves.

Either of these scenarios would certainly result in you losing your ability to rely on others. And leave you willing to spend the rest of your life alone. Who would have in them to go through that again.

Or maybe he came out of the womb unable to trust people and he was just yolo'ing it by himself like Mihawk right from the begining, who knows

Regardless I'm just

#Moon posting #Sir Crocodile #OP Meta #Me @ Crocodile: Who hurt you #No fucking wonder Crocodile was absolutely deranged in Alabasta #Dude just spent like 14 years speaking to a wall by himself. Or maybe not who knows the walls could betray him too #This man has so much unresolved trauma #BTW if true this would also make Crocodile a dark reflection of Robin. Which is a different layer of sad on its own #Like. Both expecting the other to be the one to betray them. And in the end it's Robin who shot first. #Break week in the middle of Kuma Backstory. I am in pain. #When will our husband return from the war #I need to know what his deal is so bad. I must study him under a microscope #My derangement will not know end until then #There could've been a counterargument that Crocodile couldn't trust anyone lest his Utopia Plans got ruined #And to be fair if the Government had found out his plans would've been screwed. Shichibukai Rights REVOKED #But he still seems to carry those trust issues since Mihawk is on relatively thin ice it seems #So me thinks. This smells like trauma. #The real conclusion to this post is that the Crocodile x Daz shippers are RIGHT

[emypony]

twitter won't get this but i know y'all will

the felis erasure in regards to the concept arts is criminal how dare you

#fu hua #pardofelis #hi3 #honkai impact #concept art #IF I SPEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG. #fuki this fuki that #ohh kiana skin has cat ears don't they match?? #SHUT UP AHHH!!!! like ok yeag i get it #felis was the first kitty and hua's partner back in the moths era the straight up friendship erasure hurts my soul #lowkey personal cause omgggg i been GOIN thru shit lol #just let me have this one please #my dumb fuckin ass is crying at 6:30 AM over bad tasting toast and these 2 not getting the smidge of recognition they deserve #its whatever i know they are holding hands i know the truth #manifesting either another felis suit OR. #them taking this concept for hua and transferring it to Senti one way or another. kitty / wolf senti idk... #sentifelis will be real one way or another smh #the tags with 'fuki' in it better not show up in the main tag or ill bite someone cause this aint shade on them #but feel free to throw twitter under the bus for it however

[hayaku14]

kuroba toichi you need to stay dead or im going to fucking kill you myself

#you sick son of a bitch #if you truly love your son you wouldnt be alive #it's bad enough that you basically left the mantle for your teenage son to take up but you actually being alive???????? #you just out there living your life while your son is destroying his relationships chasing after something that you started???????? #his very motivation is your death and it's not even real??? the utter fucking betrayal??? #and maybe being kid has kade him a better magician and has helped him find out more about himself #but he shouldve been able to have a choice if he even wanted to be kid at all it shouldnt have been a responsibility pushed upon him #AND IF YOU ARE FUCKING ALIVE AND YOU'RE JUST WATCHING YOUR SON RUNNING AWAY FROM THE POLICE WITH PRIDE INSTEAD OF GUILT YHEN YOU CAN #GO FUCK YOURSELF #Honestly the worst #also that theory that maybe chikage is travelling the world because she KNOWS toichi is alive and she's with her elevates this fuckery into #a whole different level #anyway go read cuethesun's tomorrow and the next day #good fucking food and bad parent chikage and toichi enjoyers will be pleased ;> #lol #dc prattles #as much as i want happy everybody is alive kuroba family #i need touichi and chikage if she knows too to feel the repercussions of their horrible parenting and i need kaito to be able to let himself #feel the hurt and betrayal that he is justified to feel even if he is happy that his dad is alive #but i dont trust gosho to handle that nicely if anything i think hes gonna just handwave it and wont address it properly #anyway my point is i just need more hurt and angry kaito also if shinichi is there im happy #sorry i sneaked in a kaishin i cant stop the brainrot unfortunately theres no cure 🤚😔 #ALSO DONT GET ME STARTED WITH BAD PARENT KUDOS OOOOOHHHH