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thoughtsonhurtandcomfort · 3 years

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12C, part 12

Tag List: @deluxewhump @whumpinggrounds @yet-another-heathen @its-mysweetlittlesecret-blog @killtheprotagonist

Content Warnings: immortal whumpee, lady whumpee, captivity, lab whump, dehydration, starvation, exhaustion, temporary character death, sort of dehumanization? or perhaps better stated as disregard for ones humanity

Author’s Notes: I call this chapter ‘I have no clue what I’m doing but I’m trying’. Brought to you by 6 lovely souls. :) Usually I do a deeper edit of these but I’m feeling lazy tonight and really want to get this one up so I can move forward. I was also a little writer’s blocked this week so apologies if it’s not my best work. :\

Also, I think I might post the next set of parts under a new title...picking up where this leaves off, of course! But there’s something nice and complete about there being 12 ‘chapters’ to this, and as you’ll see, the title being named for the room might not apply anymore. ;) So if you’re on this tag list or watching this series don’t be alarmed if suddenly a new title is there when the next part pops up.

----

Emmeline has been gone before - taken away for testing or left somewhere overnight so they can check for results in the morning.

But this is different.

Everything is gone. The table, the equipment, everything except the camera in the corner. The room is completely dark and empty.

Liv pulls out her clipboard and flips to her page for the room - or, she would, if it was there. She hasn’t been given any checklist, any notes, anything for room 12C. It’s as though no one was ever there.

Slowly she backs out of the room and shuts and locks the door. In her mind she begins frantically skimming through every moment of the day she can remember. Did anyone look at her differently? Say something to her?

This has to be my fault somehow.

Right?

And yet, no one called her to an office or confronted her in the hallway. She came in to work and went about her day as usual. Surely if they suspected her of tampering with a subject, or any other violation, they would take action immediately?

Unless Emmeline is being punished instead of me.

But where is she?

Liv goes through her final routine tasks of the night on autopilot, her mind turning over every worst possible scenario.

Maybe Emmeline was taken to another lab. Maybe there’s an even more top-secret level to this lab that she has no idea about. Or maybe...maybe that bastard Dr. Crafton did something with her…

An additional thought creeps in that Liv refuses to dwell on.

What if she died for good this time?

But that can’t be true. Even at her most fearful and cynical, Liv can’t comprehend the tragedy of Emmeline’s light being snuffed out in this prison after hanging on so long.

She has to be alive somewhere. Suffering, scared, but alive.

But where?

----

In the days that follow Liv performs her magnum opus of pretending things are fine.

On the surface she’s as calm, quiet, and moody as always. Inside she’s constantly paranoid, expecting to be confronted at every turn, pulled into an office and questioned. She’s wary of the researchers and of security, even of her own boss. She over analyzes every look and interaction.

But one, two, three days into the week and nothing has changed except Emmeline being gone and, as of Wednesday evening, a new resident in room 12C. The balancing act in Liv’s mind between ‘I’m so fucked’ and ‘where is Emmeline’ tips in favor of the latter. It’s not as though she can ask someone. So she starts simply...listening.

Her late hours are an obstacle; most of the researchers have left by the time she starts cleaning. But the ones that sometimes stay over tend to be the chattiest when they believe no staff - at least, in their mind, no staff worth acknowledging - are present.

It takes caution and patience, but soon from observations and overheard conversations with her headphones in, Liv manages to piece together what happened.

There are whispers of new subjects, more than they have room for. Frustrated complaints of how the ‘research’ with Emmeline was going nowhere, of failed blood transfusions and transplants. ‘Fascinating but useless’ was how one of them put it. Without results the funding would soon dry up, but selling her to a competitor would be disastrous if the competitor had success where they didn’t.

But that’s as far as Liv gets. A why without a where. They don’t have a room for her or funding to continue research, but they won’t sell her. In a better world they’d let her go, but Liv doesn’t humor that idea for a second.

Her suspicions still linger on Dr. Crafton a little while longer. Considering his newfound enjoyment of torture, she wouldn’t put it past him to ‘volunteer’ to move Emmeline to a private lab of his or something.

This soon disproves itself for her. In the fleeting moments she sees Dr. Crafton he seems irritable, not at all like a man who got exactly what he wanted. Then one evening she overhears him griping about the ‘wasted potential’ of the former subject in 12C and Liv is sure he doesn’t have her.

Any satisfaction she gets from these discoveries is quickly dulled by still not knowing where Emmeline is. Liv keeps showing up, keeps hoping, does her work in spite of the gnawing ache of Emmeline’s absence. All this time Liv was trying to help and comfort her, she didn’t realize how much of a help and comfort Emmeline was in return.

I just want to see her again...

----

A week passes, and then another. Liv still listens, still keeps an eye out, but her hope is fading. No one notices, of course. She was always a little sullen, always kept to herself. As long as she continues to be a good worker, no one bothers her or questions her.

That night is particularly quiet. Most subjects are asleep or keep to themselves. Even the chatty guards in Hall A are bored and end up listening to a sports radio show rather than talk to each other or Liv.

Near the end of her shift Liv makes her way to that floor’s storage room. It’s a small, dingy room with a single lightbulb that barely illuminates all of the shelves that line the walls. Nothing important resides here - not samples or expensive medical equipment. Only cleaning supplies, tools for maintenance, a handful of basic first aid, and obsolete equipment gathering dust, some of which might be older than the building itself.

Normally Liv prefers the supply room on the floor above; it’s a little bigger, a little cleaner. But tonight she’s feeling lazy and settles for this one.

As she’s putting things back on the shelves, she notices something pushed back against the far wall that wasn’t here before. It’s just a crate, long and sturdy but unremarkable. But what piques Liv’s curiosity is its presence here at all. No one uses this room except her, the janitor who fills in on nights she’s off, and sometimes maintenance. Maybe one of the researchers might come looking for something they need, but more often than not this room sits neglected.

Liv kneels beside the crate and feels around for a way to open it. She finds a latch and unclasps it easily, then manages to wiggle the lid up enough to get her fingers under. It isn’t even on that tight, and it only takes a couple pulls to lift it open.

What the fuck?!

She gasps and recoils, falling back and scrambling away from the crate, breathing quickly. Not much gets to her around here, but she was not expecting to open that thing and find a dead body.

Once the initial shock subsides she sits up and brushes her hands on her jeans. This doesn’t make sense. Subjects that die are given autopsies and then incinerated. If it’s here in the facility, why isn’t it in a lab room?

Shaken but determined, Liv scoots closer to the crate and peers in again. It’s hard to make out much in the dim light, but she can tell that the body is...fresh, for lack of a better word, and padded with some kind of loose packing material. She moves up along the box, having to tilt a little to keep her own shadow from blocking her view so she can see the face -

For several long, silent moments, Liv just...stares. She blinks against the darkness, trying to process what she’s seeing.

“Emmeline?” she says aloud, barely recognizing her own voice. Hands shaking, she takes out her phone and turns on the flashlight.

The face illuminated by the light, gaunt and lifeless, is unmistakably Emmeline’s.

Liv quickly turns off the flashlight and puts her hand over her mouth to suppress a sound of...of…

Of what?

Relief that she found her, or fear that she’s dead dead, or disgust that they stuck her in a box in a storage room like nothing more than a piece of old equipment.

There are too many questions going through her mind and she pushes them all aside. She reaches a shaky hand down and cups Emmeline’s face. It’s cool to the touch, but Liv has seen her share of dead bodies before and something about this is...different. Like her body is lingering in some state between life and death, simply dormant. It’s just a half-assed theory, but it gives her hope.

Liv brushes her thumb over Emmeline’s lips, finding them chapped. There isn’t a mark on Emmeline’s body, and any drugs to put her under would have worn off by now. The most obvious and awful conclusion is that they simply let her die naturally of dehydration, alone in the dark.

A tear slips from Liv’s cheek onto Emmeline’s neck and trickles down out of sight. Liv sits back with a loud sniff and rubs at her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Fuck,” she whispers. “You deserve better than this…”

She slips her hoodie off and leans forward again, draping it like a blanket over Emmeline. Like this, it’s almost easy to believe that she’s just sleeping.

“It’s going to be okay,” she says numbly, “somehow.”

Then she puts the lid back on, stands, and leaves the room.

----

In the time between when she leaves after discovering Emmeline, and when she returns the next day, something shifts in Liv.

The sight of that drawn, still face haunts her dreams. And when she wakes all she can think about is the notion of Emmeline being stored like a piece of furniture only for them to take out and hurt again someday when they have funding or whatever the fuck.

When Emmeline was in one of the lab rooms the idea of trying to help her with guards and cameras around felt impossible. But the storage room...that she can work with.

She waits until the end of her shift before going to the storage room again. She doesn’t even have to act differently or come up with an excuse; she has plenty of legitimate reasons to be in there.

As soon as the door closes behind her she grabs her water bottle from her cart and goes right to the crate. She opens it cautiously, as though not wanting to startle its occupant. But Emmeline hasn’t moved an inch or changed in the slightest since last night.

“Hey,” she says quietly, just like she would when entering room 12C. It feels natural even if Emmeline doesn’t answer.

Liv leans over the crate and tips the water bottle to Emmeline’s lips. She lets just the smallest trickle of water slip in at first, then another, then another. Nothing happens right away, but Liv isn’t deterred. She has no idea how her immortality works, but Emmeline has been ‘dead’ for days now, surely it will take more than a couple sips of water for her body to heal.

She leans one arm on the edge of the crate and rests her chin on her arm. With the other hand she continues slowly pouring water down Emmeline’s parched throat, a little at a time. Pour. Stop. Wait. Look for signs of life. Pour again.

It feels a bit like watering a plant, and also not at all like that. Emmeline is not nearly so replaceable.

When the bottle is empty, she caps it and sits up with a sigh, stretching her stiff shoulders. She can’t help feeling disappointed. She was expecting something to happen. But it’s okay - if it takes time, so be it.

Just as Liv is reaching for the lid, she hears a soft sound. She freezes, arms out, listening intently. It wouldn’t surprise her if it was a rat or something, with the state of this room…

Several silent seconds tick by and she’s starting to believe she imagined it when the sound happens again. A little louder...and close…

Heart pounding, she looks down into the crate. At first glance nothing has changed, but the longer she looks...yes. Yes, she’s sure of it - her hoodie, still draped over Emmeline, is moving ever so slightly with barely-there breaths. When Liv presses her fingers to Emmeline’s wrist, she finds a weak pulse.

Oh my god. Oh my god, it worked.

The soft sound comes again and it is now clear that it’s the sound of a sighing breath. Triumphant as she feels at having done something right for a change, Liv knows things are far from good. Emmeline is in bad shape. This is going to take time.

Liv touches Emmeline’s arm for a moment, watching her face. Little changes apart from the puffs of breath that now escape her chapped lips, but it feels like a victory. Not to mention a big fuck you to the researchers.

“Hang in there,” she whispers. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

It kills her to have to put the lid back on and leave Emmeline in the dark like that. The best she can hope for is that she remains unconscious a little longer. Liv is impatient, she wants to make this all better right now. But for both of their sakes, patience is necessary.

Hang in there, she tells herself, as well.

----

Part of being patient means not going back to the storage room every night. She used to barely use it at all, and she fears too sudden a change in her behavior will draw unwanted attention. It’s one of the hardest things she has ever done, to walk past that room knowing Emmeline is inside and then keep walking.

Still, Liv manages to hold out for a few days before returning. She parks her cart just inside the storage room door; she doubts anyone will enter, but if they do, the obstacle might buy her some time to quickly close the crate.

Emmeline is no longer breathing. Liv expected as much, but it hurts all the same. This time, though. This time will be different.

Once again she feeds her sips of water and soon enough there are signs of life. This time, Liv is prepared with another bottle - this one filled with apple juice.

She cups Emmeline’s head and lifts it a little to give her a sip of the juice. Another, then another. Slow, patient, hopeful. Emmeline’s pulse grows stronger, her breathing more steady.

And then she moans, and it’s a weak, pitiful, broken sound, but Liv is so damn relieved to hear it, because it means she is that much closer to waking.

Liv continues giving her sips of juice, watching her throat bob as she actively swallows it. Suddenly she begins to cough and it startles Liv so much she nearly spills the juice all over her. She quickly pulls the bottle away and sets it aside, her eyes fixed on Emmeline.

Emmeline’s coughs fade into raspy breaths. She groans and shifts uncomfortably. Then finally, finally, her eyes slowly open.

She’s frail and shaky. Her glazed-over eyes flick around, uncomprehending. Her mouth opens as though to speak, but when she tries nothing comes out.

“Emmeline?” Liv says, very quietly.

At the sound of her name, Emmeline’s eyes land on Liv. The recognition on her face is immediate, and Liv can’t help but smile.

“Hey. It’s just me. Here...”

She holds the bottle to her lips again and Emmeline drinks eagerly.

“Careful, not too fast...that’s better...okay I’m going to take it away again, I don’t want you to overdo it…”

She sets the bottle aside again while Emmeline gasps for breath after practically chugging the whole thing down. Liv can’t blame her, and hates to deny her what she so desperately needs, but she also doesn’t want to make her sick.

“Just breathe. You’re okay.” Relatively. “I’ll give you more in a minute.” She reaches down and takes Emmeline’s hand.

“Where…” Emmeline’s voice cracks. She pauses, swallows, starts again. “Where am I?”

“Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”

“...good.”

“The good news is you aren’t in the lab.” Liv gives her a moment to process that before regretfully adding, “the bad news is that you’re still in the building. In...a storage closet.”

Emmeline blinks slowly up at the ceiling, her brow pinched. “What?”

She shifts again and Liv realizes that she’s trying to sit up. Liv instinctively reaches to help, putting a hand on Emmeline’s back - only to withdraw when Emmeline gasps.

“S-sorry, I was just - “

“No,” Emmeline interrupts. “Please - put it back, it was warm…”

Liv remembers how cold Emmeline’s skin was when she found her like this, and this room is just as chilly as the lab. She slowly settles her hand on Emmeline’s back again and helps her ease herself up. It’s hard to resist the urge to touch more - a hand in her hair, an arm around her shoulders - but she doesn’t know whether it would be welcome.

But Emmeline is shivering and she has to do something.

“Here…” she takes the hoodie that has been acting as a blanket for Emmeline these past few days and slips it around her shoulders. “Arms.” Emmeline obediently slips her arms through the sleeves.

When Liv zips it up Emmeline curls her arms up to her chest and presses her face into the cuffs of the sleeves. “Thank you, this is - oh - “

Emmeline’s eyes flutter shut and she sways, nearly dropping back into the crate. Liv steadies her with a hand on her shoulder.

“Shit...hey, breathe, you’re okay…” Maybe sitting her up so quickly wasn’t the best idea.

Taking slow breaths, Emmeline opens her eyes again. She looks so tired in spite of being under for so long. But then, she’s been denied food, water, warmth, proper rest, safety, and the type of weariness living like that brings is bone-deep and not so easily solved.

Her eyes dart around the room - from the old metal shelves to the dim lightbulb to the concrete floor, and heartbroken understanding falls over her face.

“When they put me in this box,” she whispers, looking so empty, so resigned, “I thought they were moving me somewhere. Maybe another lab. I thought within a day or two the lid would come off. But it never did. It was so dark and cold and...and you weren’t there, and…” her lip quivers and she clutches at the cuffs of the hoodie. “I was scared…”

Liv swallows around the lump in her throat, feeling her eyes burn. Those fucking bastards. “I thought they took you away too, at first. Finding you was...kind of by accident. But now that I have...” she steels herself, knowing once she says this, there’s no going back. “...I’m getting you out of here.”

Emmeline looks to her, eyes wide and tentatively hopeful. “You are?”

Liv chews her bottom lip and nods. “I have a plan. I just need you to hang in there a little longer…”

“I can do that,” Emmeline replies, voice wavering. “Please just be careful…”

“I will.”

Emmeline looks half about to cry, half about to pass out. Liv gently nudges at her shoulders, easing her back down into the crate.

“Please don’t take the shirt,” Emmeline whispers as her eyes close.

“I won’t,” Liv promises. “It’s yours now.”

“Thank you…”

A tear slips down her cheek and Liv brushes it away with her thumb. She leaves her hand there a moment for Emmeline to lean into, seeking out every small bit of comfort she can get. Liv wants to give her more, so much more, but she can’t. Not here. Not yet.

“I’ll be back,” she promises as she reaches for the lid. “Just hang on a little longer,” she adds as she lowers it, cloaking Emmeline’s sleeping form in darkness once more.

#immortal whump #lady whump #female whumpee #lab whump #lab experiment #captivity #dehydration #starvation #exhaustion #temporary character death #emotional whump #angst #comfort #whump #whump writing #my writing #my ocs #emmeline #liv

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jakey-beefed-it · 3 years

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Today was... almost completely unproductive, even for me, due to various mental Crises that arose in the like... Venn diagram overlap of my sundry issues. Mental health talk below the cut so you can avoid it if you’ve got your own shit to deal with/might be triggered by that kind of thing.

Kinda did almost a checklist of disorders being problems. ADHD brain? Represented. Autism? Probably! Depression? You betcha. Anxiety? Hoo boy and then some. Mania? Maybe! Self-loathing? Energy levels off the charts, cap’n. Basically my brain was the equivalent of blaring alarms from all quarters and spinning out of control.

Anyhow I eventually managed to... not be doing that ...and in the process kinda realized that maaaaybe I haven’t been Handling My Shit as well as I thought. Like I’m medicated... for depression. Which is good! I haven’t thought seriously about literally killing myself for several years now. That’s a big improvement! Not to be sneezed at. But it’s hardly a panacea for the rest of my bullshit.

Anyhow anyhow I’ve internalized a loooot of really horrible shit I’m always speaking out against as an anti-capitalist pro-mutual-aid aspiring feminist; basing my self-worth on lots of unattainable things that I don’t even believe in but that somehow equate to me being a Failure as a Man(TM) for being a hot mess disability soup. Some of it is also no doubt related to the whole ‘Gifted’ Kid Burnout phenomenon as well. I was ‘a pleasure to have in class’ and always sought approval and validation because I had anxiety, not because I was gifted, sheesh. Whole childhood equating my value with being ‘smart’ and then having my entire ego collapse under the inevitable weight of not being able to hack it in my first attempt at college because my brain was actively trying to kill me with self-hatred that only got worse the more I failed to live up to my ‘potential’.

I’m much less of an elitist shitbag these days regarding myself as no different from any other h. sapiens sapiens in that we are all fundamentally dumb, panicky apes who sometimes need a minute to remember the whole tool-use or reason things. But while I’m really good at not holding it against other people for being dumb panicky apes, even though I don’t regard myself as better than anyone (far from it) I still somehow hold myself to these standards I long since dismissed as unreasonable to expect of anyone, much less a guy with a grab-bag of mental illnesses that makes his spongy thinkmeat even less effective than biology normally dictates. And inevitably fail to live up to them, of course. And then feel worse about myself. Forever. Well, ok, not forever, even if I do continue to manage the no-self-murder streak (which seems likely) I’m still definitely going to kick off at some point. But for my whole damn existence, which sucks plenty.

Anyhow anyhow anyhow here goes the first of hopefully many simple admissions of imperfections and forgiveness of that.

I am not a digital artist. I could spend lots of time and effort to develop those skills, but frankly I don’t... wanna. Instead of feeling guilty at having abandoned pursuit of the lovely art tablet my family got me many years ago that they ‘wasted’ their gift, I can just admit that I’d much rather continue drawing in pencil, inking in pigment liners, and scanning into a digital format for sharing on the internet. I like tactile hobbies; it’s why I get so much out of painting miniatures. And digital art is still tactile in that you’re holding a stylus and/or tablet, but it’s not the same, and I prefer physical art on physical paper. And that’s okay.

I am not a fantastic dungeon master. I’m aight. I am, in the words of the best mug ever (a gift from my sister), the “World’s Okayest Dungeon Master.” I can put together a campaign, it will mostly hang together, my combat encounters will vary from ‘pretty good’ to ‘super boring’ but my plots are generally interesting and my players keep coming back so I must be doing something right.

This one’s kind of cheating because I’ve acknowledged it before both publicly and internally for like... fifteen years ...but I am not, and never will be, a world-class miniature painter. I don’t have the manual dexterity, the patience for producing and executing many many layers of very fine glazes, or a strong enough desire to devote more effort to improvement than befits a hobby I mostly do to relax. And that’s okay. I paint pretty good, and I slowly get better. Sometimes I’m the best painter in my local store! And that’s good the hell enough to satisfy my external competitiveness, while my internal competitiveness of striving to do better than I myself have done before gets all the real attention. I do want to improve! And so I do, but at a steady pace that doesn’t stress me out.

I’m not a diligent writer at all. I like writing, and I love coming up with plots and characters, but I’m terrible at sticking to a daily writing habit. I’d like to get better at that, and I can, with effort. Honestly giving myself permission to write more fannish bullshit (Warhammer stories, SW:tOR stories, D&D stories) might help clear some of the roadblock. I don’t shit on other fan writers; I long ago admitted that it’s valid and cool when other people do it, but to this day I have still only written a handful of Warhammer bullshit and one (1) Mass Effect fanfic. All the while my idea for a novel has grown and evolved and never really gotten past a very rough first draft that is now almost completely useless due to rethinking everything because I’m not in the habit of actually writing. I can do something about that!

I desperately want everyone to like me and think well of me and never be mad at me but you know what, that’s not... remotely achievable much less healthy. I have various tendencies toward ‘people pleasing’ that tend to end up with my own boundaries trodden upon and far more people taking advantage than real friends. I am very fortunate in that I DO have some real friends, many of them online, but yeah. It’s okay if not everyone likes me. Even if they somehow did, it wouldn’t make up for the all-consuming singularity-like wound of self-loathing that the people-pleasing urge is probably trying to fill.

I can be unreliable due to my many, many issues. Most of them are mental, but some of them are physical. I can’t always do things that should be ‘easy’, whether it’s my brain saying no, or my body. Instead of making too many promises for fear of ‘looking’ disabled and/or trying to make everyone happy... sometimes I need to admit that there are things I do not have the capacity for. Preferably ahead of time, rather than bailing at the last minute or just.... not showing up. This probably would’ve been good to know about myself before I nearly failed out of college in my first attempt but hey, hindsight and all that.

I might be about as cis and straight as a guy can get, but I am not and will never be anything remotely like an Idealized Man due to my weight, disabilities, general body type (even at my thinnest I had a belly pooch and flabby chest), shit, right down to my hair but that’s got some big overlap with the Idealized Man being a straight-haired white boy when I’m merely a wavy/curly-haired white-passing boy. And shit, if I had some gender fuckery that’d be a whole other animal, but even though I kinda got assigned male and went ‘Yeah that’s about right’ I still deserve to not have to live up to some unattainable ideal.

There’s... a lot more, obviously (hoo boy is there a lot more) but that’ll do for a start.

#rengh #Jake is a big fat crazypants

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woven-in-christ · 3 years

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A Better Way

Do you ever feel like you’re doing all the right things but experiencing all the wrong outcomes? Maybe you’re reading your Bible, spending time in prayer, and serving others, but you still feel distant from God. Or maybe you’re being obedient to God, but your life feels like it’s falling apart. Does that tension leave you feeling anxious, frustrated, or resentful? At some point, we’ve all been there. Your spiritual intimacy becomes a distant memory, and you’re not sure what to do or where to turn. What do you do when the work you’re trying to do for God is destroying the work He’s trying to do in you? Did that question hit too close to home? You’re not alone, but there’s hope for a better way. Your faith isn’t supposed to be a spiritual checklist, earning you God points for a job well done. It’s easy to confuse work for Jesus with the way of Jesus, but there’s a big distinction we need to remember. You are not God’s employee. You are His child. And as His kid, He wants your full heart more than your full hands. So if you’re feeling lost, tired, or empty, there’s good news for You. Jesus came not only to fulfill God’s will but also to show us the Way. Early Jesus followers referred to Christianity as “The Way,” because to know Jesus is to know how to live and where to go. Just look at what Jesus says about Himself:

… “I am the way, the truth, and the life ...” John 14:6 NLT

And the writer of Hebrews described it this way:

By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. … Hebrews 10:20-22 NLT (emphasis added). Jesus is our better way. In His life, death, and resurrection, He paved a path forward for us—one where we don’t have to strive for God’s approval or attention. Instead, He gave us full access to the Father—access that brings peace, freedom, and rest. If you’re feeling distant from God, know that He is not absent from you. His presence is available, and He is nearer than you think. Call out to Him. Bring Him your pain, your frustration, and your unmet expectations, knowing that He cares, He sees, and He will show you the way.

Pray: God, I’ve been feeling far from You lately. But I know that You are with me, and You care for me. Today, I bring You all of my frustration, my doubt, my pain, and my resentment, and I ask that You would fill me with more of Your presence, Your peace, Your purpose, and Your passion. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Practice: Be honest with God this week. When you feel angry, empty, or resentful, tell Him about it. Write it down. He can handle your hurt, and He’d rather You be honest with Him than walk away from Him. Bible plan A Better Way

#bible teaching #scripture

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fablecore · 4 years

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I'm not sure how to properly word this, but I'll give it a try.

How do you feel satisfied with your stories? I know this sounds weird, but whenever I write a story I always feel as if it's not good enough. I keep rewriting it or just changing things about it. I know that's not a bad thing necessarily, but I want to be able to feel satisfied when I write something. When writing a story, what are things you do to make sure you're writing a story that you can be happy with? How do you add description and life to your stories?

It sounds a bit weird(I'm a bit tired at the moment), but I hope you get what I'm saying.

PS. You're an amazing writer, and I can't wait to see what else you have in store.

there’s the i guess common answer to this, which i’m sure everyone has seen everywhere, which is: you’ll never be 100% satisfied! it’s okay to move on! you’re always growing! the current story that you’re writing is not the pinnacle of your abilities, because it’s only by writing you can develop as a writer!

and that’s good and true, and i agree with it.

but on the other hand: i totally understand what you mean! i have a mental checklist that i go through, and when i feel that i’ve checked everything off as well as i can, it’s time for me to call it a day.

lychee’s heirarchy of writing satisfaction:

✅PROSE/DESCRIPTION: if you’re having trouble with beefing up your description, remember there’s a big world around your character (assumingly) with a lot of white noise to fill. taking the time to set up a scene well leads to infinitely better payoff. it depends on the style of writing that you like, but remember that you can add descriptions of your characters’ appearance, show what they’re feeling, what they’re doing, etc. there’s something about lovingly describing what a character looks like that makes me get all embarrassed (‘is this really necessary’ i think to myself), but i really do like writing it! so if you have this struggle like me: write it now, edit later.

✅TENSION/CONFLICT: have i done enough to make my character want to kick my ass if they ever met me? the entertainment is in watching someone struggle. in my first drafts, i always make the tension bare-bones without meaning to, and then i get all “??? why is it not making me feel something that i wanna feel” it’s always because the tension wasn’t there. the heightening expectation, showing internal conflict, etc. it shouldn’t be, like, just five lines. watching horror movies is great for studying tension. the catharsis/climax of seeing the monster is the same as writing the first kiss after chapters of slow-burn. make the reader want it.

✅DIALOGUE: dialogue choices are character choices. having consistency with your characters’ personalities is very important for writing character-accurate dialogue. which, i don’t know why i even typed that, it’s obvious. but this also includes internal narration. i used to have the most horrible time writing scenes that had minimal spoken dialogue and was set largely in a character’s head. but when you’re able to slip into a compellingly in-character voice, it can turn paragraphs of previous monotony into something incredibly fun to read. don’t underestimate the power of internal narration.

✅EMOTION: i like writing characters who move the plot by acting to achieve something. making sure that emotion comes across and is emphasized is very important. a lot of my edits revolve around rewriting what a character feels because i want to hit harder. work it into your dialogue, into your description, into how other characters view your mc, anywhere that you can. having that clarity about what your characters are feeling is important not just for the reader to follow along but for you to understand how to write the decisions they make that moves the story along.

✅THEME: what do you want to say? what’s the greater inexplicably fascinating thing that makes you want to write about this story in particular? what’s the weird obsession you have with this imaginative relationship in your head and why do you like it so much? once you figure that out, you can apply it to everything. literally everything. instead of being stuck thinking ‘i have this big gap where nothing happens and i don’t know what to write in there’, you can instead think ‘oh i have this theme to work off of, i can write interactions based off of that’ and continue to explore characters, relationships, worldbuilding from there.

here’s the final thing: if you’re still stuck and not satisfied with ur writing... read, read, read. read published works if you can. you will be a better writer for it.

keep in mind that my advice is not, like, Professional at all, just something that i’ve found works for me. i feel this comes across as very ‘obvious writing tips from a niche fanfic gremlin’ but basically i just wanted to show that there’s a formula you can apply, instead of grasping at invisible esoteric straws and yelling what is satisfactory writing at the wall, et cetera.

p.s. thank u so much (•ө•)♡

#letters #lychee attempts to give advice

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jamesphillimoresumbrella · 3 years

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WIP challenge

Tell your blog the titles of all the WIPs you are currently working on right now and a little about them and then tag five other writers.

I was tagged by @thetimemoves. Thank you!

I re-read the instructions, saw the word “all”, and went Oh. No. Because, well, I really am quite terrible.

The Sorceress’s Husband - This is the latest one, which pretty much popped into my head fully-formed when I finally realized what the lyrics of Charming Disaster’s Little Black Bird were saying. Meant it to be a quick little one-shot, but it said, nope, it wanted to be a re-telling of A Study in Pink too, aside from being a fairy tale.

005 - It’s porn about porn, from the kink meme, that has taken me years to write, but I wander back over to this one whenever I feel like I don’t know how to write anymore.

The Turning Point - Mystrade for @merelypassingtime, where Greg does ballet and Mycroft makes a habit of looking in on the older boys when he comes to pick his little brother up from dance class. Research for this was fun because I dove headfirst into Mikhail Baryshnikov videos. This needs one more chapter. I have most of it. I am stuck on a transition and have rewritten it so many times.

Only the End of the World Again - a Good Omens crossover for @khorazir, which is set after the events of Good Omens: Aziraphale and Crowley ask the world’s only consulting detective for help to keep the world from ending. Again. But not Armageddon, that’s been and done.

No Earthly Thing – a fic for @consultingsmartass where Sherlock gets cursed with tentacles, that is also a re-telling of The Devil’s Foot. I tore through so much Celtic mythology and fairy lore for this and I need to stop re-writing the third chapter and just plain old write it, I need to get to Leona Sterndale.

A Study in Emerald-verse companion to The Hunting Dogs - I want to write this one so badly, and have a few lines down, but do not know if I can do it properly, no matter how many times I read The Lion’s Mane and The Musgrave Ritual.

Persuading Violet Merville - a sequel to The Seduction of John S. Willoughby, which was my first Sherlock fic. It’s meant to be The Illustrious Client and The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax smashed together, and I know what’s getting me with this one is that I can’t write like I did Seduction, churning out a chapter a day, back when I was half-mad and clinging to everything Sherlock like a lifeline.

Shameless – a kink meme fill where Sherlock and John meet in a club, and have a one night stand. They have been stuck in the one night stand for years now. Help.

Out of Innsmouth – a kink meme fill where John has tentacles, and, well. It’s a kink meme fill. With tentacles. That’s still ongoing.

Black Gods and Ivory Boxes - My first foray into A Study in Emerald AU for BBC Sherlock. I want to write the rest of this. I know how it goes. But I need to heavily re-write the extant bits first, because this was from when I was consuming George R.R. Martin and you can tell I was trying for grimdark and gritty, but that just isn’t how I do things at all.

The Last Night at the End of the World - Adlock. I am very fond of this, but I wrote myself into a corner and need to extricate myself. And them. Help.

Don’t You Ever Tame Your Demons - started for a prompt asking that John be a certain type of incubus that needs to procreate. I, um, don’t know if this one will see the light of day tbh.

Boots and the Glass Mountain - suggested by @bluebellofbakerstreet when I threw out a post asking for fairy tale to smash into fic. I’m excited to get to this one! It would have been my January fic if “Little Black Bird” hadn’t hijacked my brain.

Snow White and Rose Red - @kitten-kin suggested this on the same fairy tale post, and I don’t know how to do this fic yet, but I am determined to figure it out precisely because I don’t know how to do it.

And, because it occupies a significant portion of my notebook and my head, an original story as yet untitled, where an evil spy (just a job title), a warrior (of sorts), a witch who can’t do magic, a goddess’s avatar, and a girl who just wants to go home need the Chosen One to defeat a Dark Lord - only the Chosen One’s mother won’t hear of her going anywhere near the bastard because the girl is seven. Her mother’s coming instead.

And those are the ones that I am working on, though I might be missing one or two. It’s a horrifically long list, but seeing it laid out like that makes it a little less daunting for me. Now I have a checklist. Yay!

Tagging @merelypassingtime, @bluebellofbakerstreet, @khorazir, @helloliriels, and anyone who’d like to have a crack at this! (Also apologies if you’ve been tagged before and I didn’t notice.)

#sherlock fic #things i write #lord love me son of adam #that's a lot of things

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t100ficrecsblog · 4 years

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an interview with @changingthefairy-tale

What are you working on right now? Right now, I’m focused on BellarkeFic-for-BLM (I just got an amazing canon prompt I’m really excited to finish). I’ve also been participating in this round of the Chopped Challenge, which has been fun and challenging. In between prompts, I’ve got two WIPs that I’m slowly cranking through. Shoutout to every single reader who’s been incredibly patient while I’ve been so slow on those updates — though, reminder that you can donate to a BLM organization (even a $3 donation works) and request an update to get those higher on my prio list while I’m focused on that initiative.

What’s something you’d like to write one day? My absolute dream job and the ultimate goal is to become a showrunner for a prime time TV show. I love TV shows — I love the way actors and directors and crew take a script and breath life into it, I love how you take a general idea for a story and mold it into something amazing as you go, I love how a series gives a story more time to be fleshed out and explored, I love the concept of a writers room and collaborating on a story. It’s a different ballgame from fic writing (which I do for fun) and travel writing (which I do for a living), but I’m determined to make it happen. JRoth, I’m coming for your job, babe. 😉

What is the fanwork you’re most proud of? I’m still really new to fic writing, especially compared to some of the powerhouse writers in this fandom. And I’m sure one of my WIPs (when finished) will probably supersede this. BUT, my one-shot about Madi calling Bellamy on The Ring (She called you for 2,199 days) is something I’m really proud of. I’m a long-winded writer, so one-shots have never come naturally to me. This one just…clicked. It’s got some good lines in there that I’m proud of, and based on the feedback I’ve gotten, it really made readers feel something and connect to the story. It’s not my longest story or my most thought-out. But it shows my growth as a writer these past few months, and I’m proud of that.

Why did you first start writing fic? I started writing fic as a creative outlet for my writing. My day job is writing about travel and credit cards. And while I enjoy that, it’s just not as creative. My dream is to write for a TV show though, and I was craving a way to flex my creative writing muscles in a low-stress way. I started watching The 100 when it first came out, but I didn’t really get into the fandom until I came back to the show during the S5/6 hiatus. That’s when I started reading fics and reblogging stuff about the show on Tumblr. During the S6/7 hiatus, I had this idea for a Greys Anatomy AU, and my sister (who is also a major fan of the show) was like, “You literally write things for a living. If you want to write a Grey’s AU for t100, there is absolutely nothing stopping you.” I published my first chapter on that The Choices We Make in Dec. 2019, and the rest is history.

What frustrates you most about fic writing? For me, I think that the most frustrating thing isn’t even about fic writing itself; it’s the fact that it’s a side-hobby and not something I can dedicate my full attention to. When you write all day for your day job, then do some for your freelance gig, and then turn around and try to write for a few hours every night for fic… that gets hard sometimes — especially since starting quarantine where I’m not traveling, going out with friends, getting a break from it, etc. Fic writing is a creative release for me, and I absolutely love crafting and writing these stories that involve some of my favorite fictional characters. And I love interacting with other writers and fic readers, I love talking about ideas and exchanging headcanons and fangirling over my favorite writers’ works. But (because there’s always a but), sometimes I just don’t have the mental energy or capacity to write at the end of the day when I’ve turned in 3 deadlines for work. I’ve got all these ideas floating in my head, but only so much time and mental energy I can dedicate to it.

What are your top five songs right now? Oh boy. So I live alone, which means I’ve got either music or Netflix on in the background 24/7 because ya girl doesn’t like silence. I have a different playlist for different moods. I’ll share my fav song from each of those playlists. Lol Fvck Somebody by The Wrecks (On my “Summer state of mind” playlist for when I wanna dance it out in my kitchen like an idiot)

Don Quixote by Drapht (On @talistheintrovert’s “My Good Bitch Murphy” playlist for when I’m feeling *edgy*)

that way by Tate McRae (On my “Pandemic Jams” playlist bc I like angsty music and this song is a Bellarke MOOD)

Washington on Your Side from Hamilton (On my “Feeding my Broadway Obsession” playlist for when I wanna sing show tunes and plot overthrowing the government)

Tea by Noah Davis (Shameless plug for Noah bc it’s a bop and I literally dated Noah’s older brother in junior high — so proud of this kid for making his dreams a reality)

What are your inspirations (books, songs, other fic, really good cake)? All of the above, except I like pie more than cake. lol But really, I kind of use everything around me for inspiration. “The Choices We Make” is inspired by my love of Grey’s Anatomy. “Intertwining your soul (with somebody else)” is inspired my the first draft of my YA novel (though the setting was adapted to a grounder canonverse AU). “The Day He Shut That Rocket Door” and “She called you for 2,199 days” were inspired by @historyofbellarke‘s headcanons that were brought up in S7 speccing conversations (shoutout to her for enabling my angsty ass). My most recent WIP “There are some things written in the stars” that I started as part of Chopped (but will continue because I’m obsessed with the idea) is inspired by my love of Timeless. And I have an entire Notion database filled with fic ideas — some one-shots and some multi-chapter fics — that are inspired by quotes, songs, conversations with friends, books I love, shows I adore, random HCs that pop into my head while I watch, my own life experiences, etc. I take inspiration in any form it decides to come in. 💕

What first attracted you to Bellarke? What attracts you now? I’m a ho for enemies to lovers — the idea that you can put your worst foot forward and show someone all the ugly parts of you… and that they’ll see that and somehow look past it to see the good stuff too, falling in love with your whole self instead of just the pretty parts. Yeah, it’s my favorite romance trope. And that tension is what originally drew me to Bellarke. Now, it’s a combination of things. I love each of these characters in their own right. I relate to Clarke in a lot of ways, and I aspire to be her level of badass. I straight adore Bellamy Blake (flaws, stupid decisions, and all) and would marry him in a heartbeat if he were real — I’m not even kidding. lol But I also love their dynamic. They are partners, best friends, perfect compliments to the other. They see each other in a way no one else does, and they are the one person the other constantly risks everything for. They are both so driven by their responsibilities to their people, yet that all typically goes out the window the moment the other is at risk. I don’t believe in soulmates in real life, but it’s nice to get to believe in this fictional world that they are just made for each other.

BESIDES Bellarke, what character or pairing do you like best on t100? My favorite character besides Bellarke is John Murphy. His arc has been BY FAR the best on this show, going from that little shit in S1 to this “asshole we love” in the middle to now a true hero in this final season. And through it all Richard Harmon has been amazing to watch on screen.

My favorite pairing besides Bellarke is Linctavia. Yes, that ship is problematic in a lot of ways, but I still loved their dynamic. Lincoln helped Octavia navigate this new world that she was so desperate to be apart of while being mindful of her safety. And I thought they were a good match — he helped tame her fire without putting it out, and she helped challenge the way he was raised. Given time, I think they could have become one of the most stable and loving relationships on t100. Of course, that couldn’t happen because Jason needed Bell’s actions in 3A to have heartbreaking consequences, O to spiral for her own character journey, and whatever mess happened off-screen between Ricky and him. But they still remain my favorite ship aside from Bellarke.

Why did you decide to start writing for bellarkefic-for-blm? The second I saw that Sam was planning on doing this, I reached out to ask how I could help/write/be involved. The BLM movement is so important, and this is an amazing way for me to contribute while pursuing my passions. It’s a way for the fandom to get involved and do something good. And ultimately, this helps organizations that need donations. Shameless plug for everyone to please go check out the Bellarke Fic for BLM page — check out the many amazing writers and artists we have participating, and send in prompts. Most of us are allowing WIP chapter update requests, and there are a number of us (myself included) who are matching donations made! No donation is too small, and you’ll be supporting a movement that is a necessity in the U.S. and beyond.

What’s your writing process like? My mind is literal chaos, so I plan and outline like hell in order to make sense of everything. When I get an idea for a fic, it goes on my Notion database. Within Notion, I write down my inspiration for the idea, and a pretty in-depth summary of where I want the fic to go — dialogue ideas, any feelings/emotions I want to invoke, literally just a brain dump of all my ideas. From there, I’ll arrange that brain dumb into an outline. If it’s a one-shot, I’ll generally write the whole thing in the Notion doc. But multi-chapter fics will get a checklist within Notion for me to keep track of progress, and I’ll actually write the fic in Google Docs. I generally start writing from the beginning of a story, but if I get stuck or have an idea for a later scene, the fact that I’ve outlined heavily allows me to jump around as ideas come to me. I’ll read each one-shot or chapter after I’m done to make sure it flows before publishing. I post chapters for my WIPs as I write them, which I should really stop doing. lol For my readers’ sakes, I should work ahead and publish on a schedule rather than making them wait for my slow ass to finish chapter to chapter. But right now, that’s my process!

What are some things you’d like to recommend? Oh goodness, too many fics to possibly name. Instead, I’ll link to my AO3 rec bookmarks (which isn’t all-inclusive of the amazing fics I’ve read in this fandom, but it’s got some good favs in there) and shout out all of our awesome Bellarke Fic for BLM writers. Y’all should check out their work (and send in prompts)!

Where’s the best place to find you (twitter? tumblr?) I’m @changingthefairy-tale on Tumblr and @changingthefairy_tale on AO3! My ask box is always open for anyone who wants to scream about the show, ask about specs, talk about my fics, etc. Come say hey!

#bellarkefic for blm #bellamy blake #clarke griffin #john murphy #bellarke #bellarkefic for blm interviews

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articlewritingbd · 4 years

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Exactly how to Write an Effective Marketing Article

Article writing is just one of the most effective advertising techniques for a home service. Providing web content for other websites or perhaps publish media gets your company information a large circulation.

The Pros

1. It's Free

A. Website proprietors and online media are hopeless for material and want to upload your particular, quality-written, pertinent article on their websites.

It Gets You before Other Businesses' Markets:

Your service gets a new look as your content is displayed on other websites.

It Builds Credibility

. Having your product turn up on various other proprietors' websites recommends that you're a professional.

You Might Get Paid Some blogs and online publications pay you to post your article. You can also pitch your article concepts to publish magazines or sector e-newsletters, numerous of which pay.

The Cons

1. It takes some time not just to create the article but additionally to discover a media outlet to publish it.

a.And with the majority of media outlets currently desiring initial exclusive material, you can't distribute the same article to multiple locations. Each area you'd like an article to show up requires its very own initial piece.

You have no standard over when your article writing will run if the electrical outlet chooses to post it in any way.

There is no warranty that individuals who check out the article will certainly seek out your service. The finest means to entice readers to check your business out is through a quality article and also promoting your lead magnet in your biography.

Getting going

Don't you think you can create? Yes, you can. The most crucial action to article writing is to get started.

1. Grab a Piece of Paper / Get in Front of Your Computer

awhile an empty web page or display can be frightening, when you have a subject concept, you must be able to take down vital ideas. At this factor, your goal is to collect suggestions and compose the first draft.

Choose a Topic

. Don't simply think regarding what you recognize. Rather, consider what individuals wish to know that's associated with your company.

List the Major Points You have to Cover on the Topic:

This checklist can become your topic subheadings in the article.

Fill out the Major Points With Key Concepts:

Next off, create down the information viewers require to find out about significant factors.

Let the Article Writing Sit for an Hour or a Day:

After that, read as well as change it to expand your ideas, clarify your principles, and also tidy up the errors.

Write an Interesting Bio:

One that consists of a phone call to action for viewers to get your complimentary lead magnet. It will certainly appear at the end of your article.

Pitch Your Article Idea when It's Ready :

Pitch it to various other blog sites, web sites, or media resources that target the exact same market that you do.

Tips for Effective Writing :

1. Create a Good Article That Solves a Problem or Provides Value

a. People go on the internet for info, and if you can provide it to them, they'll need to know more regarding you. Concentrate on bringing worth to your readers. If they take action on your concepts, provide details in a way that permits readers to picture the outcome. Find a distinct angle or an excellent hook, and establish a discussion with your reader.

Compose Articles in Conversation Mode :

You do not wish to be totally informal, yet you do want to come across as pleasant, appealing, and friendly.

Respond to the Readers' Question: "so What?"

Why should people respect what you're claiming? Why should you care about content writing a good article? (So what?) Due to the fact that with an excellent article, you can enhance your reach and credibility, which can cause even more earnings in your house service.

Compose Concisely:

Every word needs to make its keep, especially your headlines. The language can not be dull, as well as tight. You aren't attempting to win honors. Instead, you're trying to engage viewers as well as tempt that hopefully will then need to know more about your business. Keep the article exciting, brief, and to the point.

Maintain its basic:

Create a simple language. You want your write-ups to be loaded with details and content, but the average person can comprehend in words.

Usage "You." :

Your senior high school English instructor informed you not to create making use of "you," yet in advertising and marketing, that's the most important word. Remember, you want individuals to link directly with what you're saying.

Be Organized :

.Your article should flow and be simple to eat. Several on the internet readers are scanners, which indicates a lengthy message can bore them. Rather, make use of paragraph breaks, vibrant kind, numbers, or lists to break up the content right into easy-to-digest pieces.

SEO:

Google's Panda update altered the effectiveness and also the convenience of article advertising and marketing for search engine optimization functions. Internet sites are punished for bad quality or irrelevant material. In most cases, website owners will certainly put no-follow qualities around your web links, informing Google not to note the web link, consequently removing the SEO advantage. Nevertheless, that doesn't indicate article marketing is no longer efficient. As currently discussed, articles can increase your reach and reliability.

While article advertising and marketing may not have the exact same SEO increase that it utilized to, it doesn't hurt to consider it when article writing your articles. It would help if you incorporated search phrases in your article writing; however, constantly create for the human reader initially. It's pointless if an article is stuffed with keywords but has no human interest.

Reliable article advertising and marketing with an online search engine in mind require a few vital phrases as well as good keywords. These words and phrases should pertain to the subject as well as the article context. These keywords, as well as essential expressions, need to appear flawlessly in the article and also not disrupt the all-natural circulation of the web content.

Don't Have the moment or Ability?

Articles that you've created for your own service are continually going to be the most authentic as well as authentic, but if you're strapped for time or do not feel the top quality of your writing suffices, you have a few options.

1. Purchase and Rewrite Private Label Right (PLR) Content.

a.PLR content can be an excellent means to get concepts and also an area to start. Bear in mind to rewrite the material in your very own words to make sure that it's unique.

Hire a Writer :

If you need an established number of articles often, you can post your writing job on a selection of writing websites, or you can search for authors on freelance websites such as Upwork.

Work with an Editor to Fix Your Writing :

This method can be less costly than hiring a writer while still maintaining your authentic voice. Write your article as well as then employ an editor to cleanse it up.

#ariticle #article writing #content marketing #content writing #web content #content #web2.0 #guest post

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diveronarpg · 4 years

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Congratulations, KAT! You’ve been accepted for the role of OTHELLO. Admin Rosey: So, one thing that’s really difficult to highlight without overemphasizing is Othello’s dichotomy and his constant conflict. Sometimes you can focus so wholly on one aspect of a character that it’s overwhelming. But Kat, you write Odin so effortlessly, so FREAKING effortlessly that you capture it throughout the application as an integral part of his character -- interweaving it into the plot, the sample, even the “what drew you to this character” section. I am completely blown away and utterly terrified of what havoc you’re going to wreak on the dash. I am screaming over this application and I always will, time and time again. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Kat Age | 25 Preferred Pronouns | She/her Activity Level | OK so my classes went online and my job has cut staff in half so I have so much free time and so much muse. Listen…. LISTEN I know I’m not always reliable but it’s game time lemme say like at least twice a week, I’m here for the haul let’s write baby!!!!!!!!!!! Timezone | EST How did you find the rp? | I originally came across it in the lsrpg tag, also my girl Taryn recommended it and also I miss y’all :( Current/Past RP Accounts | These are links to inactive past accounts:

https://neosy.tumblr.com/ https://grchcmisms.tumblr.com/ https://99gael.tumblr.com/ https://halogenq.tumblr.com/ https://odinbellc.tumblr.com/ ;) https://pavellam.tumblr.com/

IN CHARACTER

Character | Othello, Odin Bello – requesting faceclaim change to Trevante Rhodes :^) What drew you to this character? |

Through my first experience writing Odin I learned a lot about both him and myself as a writer. He was initially a challenge for me because at my roots I was never someone successful in writing characters with good intent, the easier side of him being the one of violence and chaos, something that was difficult considering more often than not… that isn’t who Odin is, or more fittingly, who he wants to be. I struggled with his daily life, the man he tries so hard to be and who he’s used to becoming over the years and I realized that was the key in; the struggle. I’ve teetered around writing for a while recently, the desire and the muse not being there for me when I remembered my dear, dear, Odin and for a split second I wondered about him. Such an interesting thing, to wonder about a character, to dive deep into your mind’s eye and ask, “How is he doing, I wonder? The man of gold and copper, the being of olympus and hades? How is my boy?” And realizing the responsibility of creating and finding that out is all mine. It felt like seeing a past lover in the check out line, wide eyes as you remember the missed calls and blocked number, and realize how fuckin’ good they look today and, damn, were stupid for leaving them.

Dearest Odin, please take me back. I miss you so dearly. I’ll try hard not to leave you so suddenly this time, that was my bad.

Who am I to fool myself? My heart always brings me back to him. Feed me an optimist with nothing but a history of failure, rocks beating down on a pristine marble surface til the cracks spell misery. It’s all his fault, the pain, suffering, and failure… but he tries so hard. It’s as if he’s doomed from the beginning, the first cries from his mouth as a child, a bad omen, the first steps he takes, the small tottering of a baby, were faced in the wrong direction. Some people are born bad, some people are cultivated as such, and Odin, at his root, is a demon in disguise even despite his most valiant efforts; it’s a nature he fights everyday and, oh, the battle grows bloodier and bloodier.

The rest may look familiar to you:

I’ve always been a sucker for a good heart and bruised knuckles.

Such beauty and chaos, such destruction and uncertainty, an aching heart that slips through your fingers as you struggle to grasp it, begging it to hold still. He shakes and struggles with nature and nurture, who he should be and who he wants to be, and more importantly, what he’s become. He feels the remorse and pain of it everyday when he wakes and each night he goes to sleep – for a time he managed to be the person he worked so hard to be. It crumbled under his feet and his developing insanity, the rumble of his father’s ways breaking the ground under his skin and causing something of a snap, a moment of true obscurity. He hates himself for it, but he cannot yet again break his mold, he cannot become someone else. His will is cracking, his heart breaking.

Give me his nuance, give me his pain, give me his turmoil, and oh, please, give me his struggle; the desperate gasp of collapsed lungs and a tattered chest. I cannot stress how beautiful I find him, the feeling in my ribcage so solemn at his childhood and forthcoming, his painful attributes and breaking spirit. A man who shows his kindness through terror and bloodshed, so intent on being a good person that he’d tear the throat of a thief with his teeth.

Yes, I’ve found love.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? | Where do you see this character developing, and what kind of actions would you have them take to get there? 3 future plot ideas would be preferable.

(I have new ideas but lord, do I struggle with formulating plot ideas in this format so I’m just gunna keep the same ones because of such and because I DO in fact still want to play them out.)

MEN SHOULD BE WHAT THEY SEEM //

Oh, can the flash of his teeth brighten a room. His smile is bright but, these days, so rarely genuine. He no longer knows who he is truly fighting for, what side of the coin he lays on with his copper spinning on its side in a never ending spiral. He does not know where he belongs, nor, who he truly is and it plagues him in a way that’s all too familiar, a way that feels like his mother’s comfort and his father’s recklessness, the smell of alcohol on someone’s tongue when they speak and the feeling of a caress on skin. He needs to make a choice, a permanent decision for once in his life, pick his path and follow it to the end instead of cutting through the woods once more. Who are you, Odin? His own face in the mirror becoming more unfamiliar in each passing day, a building anxiety and insanity, a hurricane creating a disaster inside him. Who are you?

His reflection tired, tainting his handsome face and false expressions, a hunger growing just under the surface, a desperation so hot; who will you be?

FOR SHE HAD EYES AND CHOSE ME //

Delilah, oh, how she filled something inside of him, and oh, how he tore into the filled space as if rabid, as if being whole was too much to bear, the filled space too heavy, and the paranoia of losing it all creasing his forehead and melting in his palms.

So he did what he does best, and he ripped through the plaster and insulation like a hammer, shattered the glass and caused the empty space to bleed. It hasn’t stopped aching, despite his insistence that it has healed, sometimes he still wakes with his shirt soaked in blood, drenched in suffering. How can he learn to forgive? He learned his lessons but the morals cannot seem to stick, the weakness he caused in his own self and the horror he caused for the woman he loved – loves, still finding its way through his mind and heart. He seeks self forgiveness just as much if not more than he seeks hers. He cannot move on without finding solace or closure but those are two things so hard to capture and accept. Sometimes, he feels so much like his father with his past misgivings it stirs disgust.

It’s time to repent.

THE GREEN EYED MONSTER //

Ivan is a scab, an infection that Odin refuses to treat. He’s become cautious, wearily aware of betrayal in the past and more on the horizon. He has a feeling, a ponderance that keeps him up at night, the sends shocks through his veins. He hates to think of his friend, his family, as a traitor, as a monster in disguise seeking to antagonize the worst parts of Odin himself, but it’s becoming harder and harder to ignore. It scrapes the back of his mind, creates an itch that he cannot scratch no matter how deep he digs, no matter if the skin starts bleeding, it won’t go away. How does he cut out another piece of his life, another piece of himself so vital? It feels like he is losing those most important to him, that they’re all turning on him and it creates nothing but fear, more paranoia and uncertainty.

He wants so desperately to be wrong, but knows what will happen if he is not.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | If anyone deserves to die at some point in this rp I feel like Odin’s a good contender to get fuckin’ GANKED

IN DEPTH

Please choose between the interview or the para sample (or both, if you like!)

In-Character Para Sample:

Act I

The sun beats down on darkened skin, wind blowing through open cruiser windows, sunglasses adorned on his face and a holder keeps track of coffees. In the daylight he glistens – not in a literal sense of glowing skin and eyes, he does not hover over the earth as if ethereal, not a streak against the sky that blinds any human eyes that dare linger, but instead in the sense that no one could ever find the man to be anything but happy. His teeth, those straight, white, teeth that come alive in a smile and clear rooms with a sneer peek from behind pulled lips in a grin. He walks with a swagger, bearing gifts in coffee for other officers and sharp humor and barked laughs for poor moods. He so easily falls into the facade of being created from nothing but light and the body of Christ, a saint in all regards except moral, light jests greeting all who perceive him and all who engage.

Well groomed, upkept and clean, there was no reason to suspect anything was amiss in the crook of his grins, the sharp of his wit, the movements of his muscles under skin. He even makes arrests like a holy man, like someone with something to lose to violence. His hands rest on the steering wheel, music plays from the stereo and he nods his head, every other line finding its way out of his lips even in no one’s presence but his own. He isn’t playing a character in the moment, enjoying the everydayness of the outside world, the warmth of the air touching his limbs and being sucked into his lungs. He feels joy, he embodies it, he hovers with it. His foot eases off the gas at the turn of a light and one hand finds itself resting outside the drivers window, head cocked to the side, heart beating steadily in his chest – firm and ever present in the strength of his pulse.

A human being in all forms; a person, a person, a person, and his phone rings.

Pulling in the parking lot he answers the call, the perspective outside leaves the voice on the other end muffled as it’s pressed to his ear, his face falling ever so slightly, car pushed into park. He nods even though the speaker cannot see him, he makes a sound of understanding as they continue and suddenly something is more solid inside of him. The fluidity, the liquid that flowed between sunlight and good music steels itself against the reality of his life, of who he is and what he is to do, the lake jostled and good-feelings distorted. It’s not for the faint of heart, not created for those with poor constitution, and he is a police officer until ten tonight; that’s what he says to the voice on the other end so they tell him to have it done by eleven. He does not hesitate until he hangs up, a sigh of the last good breath leaving his lungs. A moment of silence for what he lost.

He grabs the coffees and heads inside.

Act II

The headlights send streaks through the night, the yellow color sending shadows running rampant across the near empty field – long and sickly. The air is not still but choked, a vice grip stealing the oxygen away from those who dared attempt breathing. There stood a figure in the darkness, large shoulders over a larger frame, muscles tightened as he digs and digs, the shovel breaking the earth harshly with each bend of his arms. His breathing is rough, like a rubber band pulled to full capacity trying to bend and break to fit the expansion of his lungs. The shovel carries on.

The silence that hung heavy around the lone sound of crumbling dirt could kill in its own regard; ringing in his ears as he ignores the shower curtain wrapped in duct tape buried in the back corners of his trunk. Odin’s mind is empty to everything but the task, split skin and dried blood from his face and knuckles, the bruises adorning his ribcage. Perhaps it was self defense for the sake of defense, he threw the first punch but it was returned just as well and by then, truly, the control was lost. It was what they had wanted to happen, and he was nothing if not complicit. He supposed that was what they liked about him, another body, a bloodhound. Caving for the sake of therapy, sober by daylight and drenched in sweat and blood by nighttime – if only to keep his sanity. He was nothing if not built of power and control in both physical and mental regards over everyone but himself.

Try to carve a better god out of wood, put him on a pedestal and pray all you’d like, the real sacrifice will come in blood much later – but this flesh and bone, that which has created the man who finds himself up to his chest in dirt standing at over six feet, he is paid now and up front. He is solid, and real.

He straightens up, dirt caked to his jeans and soiled t-shirt, sweat broken across his skin making him shine under the glare of the headlight, the sheen making him appear as if glowing under the half exposed moon. He plants his hands on the outside on the deepened earth and pulls himself out, breathing hard through his nose, a noise like a grunt, face twisted, teeth appearing behind pulled lips. He stares at the dip of the trunk, chest moving, knuckles tightening, shovel thrown to the side. He isn’t even halfway done yet; he gathers himself, and pulls the latch free.

Act III

(TW: self harm kind of)

The neighborhood is still and quiet, blackness behind every window and curtain at such an ungodly hour, the only sounds being the low rumble of the occasional car passing on the main road nearby. In the stillness there begins a movement, the shape of a tall man shaking open the gate leading to the back of a house, his clothes defiled and leaving trails. He strips in the backyard of the home; shoes, socks, shirt, and jeans forming a pile of mud and dirt by the sliding glass doors until he stands in his boxers, fingers unlocking the back door, the cold of the night wetting trails down his back and sides, whispering to his skin. He walks slowly to avoid making any noise, the sound of keys hitting the granite of a kitchen countertop. Even despite how delicately he walks, the mass of his body makes the stairs protest lowly when his feet find them.

The man first goes to the bathroom, the light flicked on as he tries to avoid his face in the mirror. He is not the same creature that caused the blood to pool in his wounds, not the same monster with dirt caked under his nails – not here, he can’t be; not in front of her. He turns on the shower, body directed towards a corner of the bathroom while he waits for the water to heat, staring blankly at the space where the two walls meet, hands twitching, brain fighting not to think, the sound of static until smoke fills the room. The adrenaline still pumps through his veins, the wild-eyed insanity created by anger and a lack of self control, the rush of the final blow still stinging in the shaking of his muscles. The water turns first brown from the dirt adorning his limbs, then becoming a far more sinister red when he submerges his face and hands, he washes himself slowly, rubbing at his back and shoulders, the sweat off of his skin, the searing pain of smoking water near boiling scalding the back of his neck. He doesn’t allow himself to think, not now, not yet. He doesn’t hum or sing, doesn’t talk to himself, but instead thinks only of his actions as they happen or nothing at all.

He doesn’t know how long he stands under the water, so hot it scalds, burns off the sin and the disgust, scrubbing and scrubbing until he could feel himself beginning to cause harm, wounding, convincing himself he’s becoming clean until he forces his hand, stopping the running water. He stands even longer still, his wet skin freezing over in the silence of the steamed room. Finally when he finds himself ready, he dries off until he feels pristine, the wash of the shower head like a baptism into the form of a different man, a new mold built into his model. Only then does he look in the mirror, eyes meeting the reflection of a handsome man, a cursed man, a martyr only in the sense of self respect and fear. His eyes are tired, his face adorning new cuts and scratches, bruises blooming his sides under skin and over muscle. He aches all over. He bares his teeth at the reflection and it does it right back, a snarl of bright white, the bones straight and sharp, and his eyes so quickly become frightening. He turns away.

Odin’s face peers around the door of a new room, hands finding covers and the soft sound of a woman waking. She turns to him, her face telling of sleep and her lips turned slightly down in a frown, her hands finding his chest, wrapping around his torso, her face in his neck, breath fanning over that damn skin of his and she says, “Long night?”

His fingers trail down the back of her shirt, fingertips pressing to the small of her exposed back stretched between her clothes and he hums quietly, face buried in her hair, body melting and moving to fit hers more comfortably, grip tight to squeeze her form, to hold onto something solid, to find his anchor. “Always, baby. Go back to sleep.” He says in a low voice, something comfortable, something familiar there, as if he’s smiling. She makes a noise of acceptance, curling even further towards him, as if a safety, sinking even further as his fingers trail up and down her back, soothing, as to not allow her to be distraught. Delilah was always the one he worried about, not concerning himself with the rotting inside his own chest, the ache of something breaking within him. He fights with the inability to sleep while the rush of the night still feeds inside of him. He does not concern himself with what little is left of him because while he is with her he is safe from the part of himself that only consumes, he is not concerned with the fragility of his own being, not while he breathes in the heat radiating off of l'amore della sua vita.

Meanwhile, miles and miles away, something begins to rot under the cover of freshly turned Earth.

Extras: I made a tag for him a long time ago and haven’t touched it much since tbh but like I'ma probably add stuff the next few days so this 4 u: https://hypnosreigns.tumblr.com/tagged/character:%20odin%20bello

#accepted #accepted: othello

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runathepianist · 4 years

Text

A Quick Checklist on Self Exploration

Hello everyone! Today I’m going to write down some of a quick checklist of my own self exploration based on question provided by ELE on this twitter link! (https://twitter.com/xlittle_ele/status/1275847156629475328)

I will write things here in order not to spam your Twitter Timeline too much.

1. First of all, introduce yourself! What’s your name? My name is Runa. People usually call me by that name, but some others call me Ruru, Na-chan, some call me by the name of Xiao Wei and some other more.

2. Where are you from? From this universe; specifically, my mother’s womb.

3. Do you have any hobbies? If so, which one? I have plenty of things that I could call as my hobbies. I do music, specifically piano, but lately I’m trying out some other instrument as well, like kalimba/ ukulele. I like to write stories/ letters to friends/ daily journal, I like to re-arranged my room when I got the mood and time to do it, I love to watch some movies/ series and read stories/ manga as well.

4. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where will you go? Hhm...Lemme see...I think I would love to go to Tasmania. I personally loves to go to those minor places that people are not really put an eye to. Rather than going to those mainstream places. Partially, I want to go to Tasmania ever since I watch a Singapore drama series [Sudden] and part of the scenery in that series was taken at Tasmania. It makes me want to go there and visit the real place someday.

5. Do you believe in love at the first sight? Hmm...Not really, actually. Maybe because I’m a person who usually fall in love after I have interacted with the person for quite some time. Maybe because I rarely deeply attracted with how someone’s physical looks, but more into the personality they have within them.

6. What’s your favourite song at the moment? If you don’t have one, what’s the last song you listened to? I’m listening to quite a lot of Hiroyuki Sawano’s composed OST songs these days lately and also currently re-listen to Rachmaninoff piano concerto in C minor.

7. What’s your favourite food? A lot (?) But mostly I love those salty food rather than sweet stuffs.

8. What’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? It is either I’m trying to remember about the dream I dream of last night, or I feel grateful that I’m still be able to stay alive today. Sometimes, I could think of some random stuffs that suddenly struck me when I’m awake in the morning.

9. Do you believe in soulmates? Not really, but I believe that people are attracting people with the same/ similar frequencies with them, so if I want to see how my future soulmates is, I just need to mirror on myself and see how I’m living my life so far and how’s my true personality is.

10. What do you want to become in the future? A wonderful lady artist (musician) for myself, wife for my husband and an awesome mother of two or three.

11. What’s your favorite book? Kate DiCamillo’s The miraculous journey of Edward Tulane All poetry books by Lang Leav Le petite prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupery Steal like an artist - Austin Kleon

12. Favorite Season? Hmm...Spring time?

13. What’s the best memory you have with your friends? Hmm..Actually I couldn’t really recall any. Maybe there was, but I’m a forgetful person, really.

14. What’s your biggest dream? To have a peaceful and healthy (both physically and mentally) life with my beloved family and dearest people. 15. If you could change one thing about yourself, what it’ll be? I wonder...Maybe my cowardness?

16. What’s your favorite movie? Hmm...There are a lot too, but lemme spell out some that I could still remember the title. It’s kinda hard to name, since I’m usually more into series than movie. The Devil wears prada, Up in the air, Habibie & Ainun, Yes Man, How to train your dragon 1 & 2, Finding Mr. Right.

17. Do you have a crush on someone? Hmm...I currently have a fiance. Does this count as one?

18. If you knew you were gonna die tomorrow, what will you do? Write a letter and prepare parting gift for everyone. Have a good talk and convey everything that I would love to tell to my beloved dearest people surround me.

19. Do you feel proud of yourself? Yes I do

20. What do you think is your safe place? Y’know, that place/ thing that helps you feel better when you need it the most? Bathroom, because it gives you privacy though you are surrounded by people. I mean, it’s rare to see other people following you into bathroom right? So the sense of personal space is there in the bathroom. At least, for me personally.

21. Do you believe in ghosts? I believe it exist in terms of frequencies. This universe is filled by various frequencies and they are unseen, but you could sometimes feel it. That’s how I define feelings, and ghosts.

22. Do you miss someone? I miss myself, sometimes, and some people that have passed away, sometimes.

23. Do you have any pets? What are their names? I used to have hedgehogs, but I don’t have any with me now after their death.

24. Are you a night person or a morning one? I could say I’m a night owl. Morning doesn’t really work well for me.

25. Are you part of the LGBT community? Nope, but I’m okay with being friend with people who are part of the LGBT community.

26. What’s your favorite video game? Hmm...Those old games, like Fatal Frame series, La pucelle, phantom brave, disgaea, some otome games like amnesia series/ hakuoki.

27. What’s the reason you wake up every morning? Life goes on, so yeah.

28. Do you look up to someone? Hmm...it’s a yes and a no.

29. What’s something you’ve wanted to try for a while, but haven’t done it yet? Go somewhere far away, enjoy tranquility and the nature, alone.

30. What’s the meaning of life for you? It’s an endless journey of finding oneself and spreading positivity and love to people surround us.

31. Do you play any instruments? I play mostly piano and those instruments within the same family like keyboard, electone, pianika, etc. Side: I tried ukulele, kalimba, recorder, etc.

32. What’s the most annoying thing you had to deal with? The battle within myself, How to deal with the society surrounds me.

33. How would you define “art”? Wabisabi - the beauty in imperfection.

34. Do you think you’re a different person now because of quarantine and everything that happened in the world? Not really, but I do find out how lazy I actually am after this quarantine. How I am really a jak-of-all-trades; well, it just some self-exploration, but to say that I’m a different person now? Nah, no! I’m still me.

35. Name one thing you hate that others love? Those material related stuffs.

36. What do you think that happens after we die? My soul with emerge with this universe and my physical body will blend into one to the soil. I will become frequencies and when the right moment comes, I will be born again in this universe in a different form.

37. Do you have any regrets? I do, but I don’t want to dwell into things in the past too much as there is no way we could change the past, but I’m striving to change now to change the future instead.

38. Love or being loved? Being loved is awesome.

39. What’s the best advice someone has ever given to you? Marriage is not about love, because love won’t last for years, but please keep enhancing yourself to be the best version of yourself and never forget to build consciousness within yourself. Based on that, you support each other, appreciate each other and trust each other as couple. (Advice given by Nichiren Daishonin Buddha to his disciple, Shijo Kingo)

I really like this a lot when I stumble on this, and apparently it’s one of advice that I took dearly within my heart until now as a guidance.

40. What are you afraid of? When I make my family upset/ something bad happen to them

41. Describe yourself in 5 words Simplicated Jack of all trades

42. How’s your relationship with your parents/ siblings? Very good. We never really have any toxic relationship with each other though of course we are all not perfect and there are things that we should work on for each of us.

43. Would you rather live in a big city or in a small town? Hmm...A small town that is able to travel to a big city for a travel distance less than an hour by train. I miss my time spent when I was in Diemen. It was a nice small city near Amsterdam.

44. Have you ever been on a relationship? Yes

45. What’s the happiest memory that comes to your mind right now? I’m actually pretty sleepy and zombie mode right now, so I couldn’t think off any specific moment, but I think most of moments in my life is a bit bitter with lots of sweetness on it, so yeah! Those moments spent with my family are the best.

46. Do you easily trust others? Nope. I usually have minus trust with other people other than my own core family. Even I couldn’t trust my extended family too much.

47. Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope, but I usually try some wigs instead.

48. What’s the first thing you notice when you meet someone new? Of course, it’s physical appearance (though I should say I don’t put much attention on physical thing) since it’s the first thing that we could see with bare eyes.

49. If you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life, which one it’ll be? I’ll just pick one from KOKIA album. I love her so much. Any album could do, but maybe I’ll choose the best collection album since it contains more songs there LMAO

50. Tag someone to remind them how much you love and care about them... Hmm..I will tag my sister perhaps XD The other family members of mine don’t have twitter.

51. What was your favourite toy when you were a kid? Dolls? I forgot. ahahaha.

52. What’s your biggest pet peeve? When people in society only judge people based on material possession they have rather than by their hearts. It annoys me so much when I encounter one.

53. If you could change one thing in the world to make it a better place, what will you do? I don’t have any idea right now. Writer’s block.

54. Have you ever got involved with drugs/ alcohol? Nope. Never.

55. What do you think is your aesthetic? Hmm... All of me?

56. Do you enjoy traveling? Yes, but sometimes not really since traveling is tiring, but it’s good to see a different scenery once in a while.

57. What’s your favorite show? Hmm...I don’t really have one maybe? Is anime consider as show? I don’t think so huh.

58. Are you into witchcraft? Nope.

59. What would be your ideal gift? Hmm...I never really have any specific desire in life, but usually I love letterset/ notebook/ fluffy stuffs/ tea/ coffee/ any aesthetic/ vintage stuffs around. I usually treasure more intangible things than tangible one, so yea.

60. Do you think you’re a good person? It depends on how you define a good person is.

61. Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? I’m introvert.

62. Have you ever gone to a concert? Yes, I did. Some classical concert and Kingdom Heart orchestra tour concert.

63. How will your ideal first date be? When there is no drama occurs and compatibility is there, ah, with good food and tea as well.

64. Do you think there’s life in others planets? Mayhap. Why not? I’m open to any possibilities.

65. What do you do when you feel sad? I play/ listen to music, watch something, write something, take a good shower with favorite scented soap.

66. If you could travel back in time to another century, which one will you pick? Hmm....The year where I’m born.

67. Do you often remember your dreams? Yes, I do!

68. Name one thing you hate about your country I don’t really have one.

69. If you won the lottery, what will you do with all the money? I’ll buy a house for myself (and my future family) and another one to build a public library/ an orphanage.

70. Any guilty pleasure? Quite a lot, actually.

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alternislatronemhq · 4 years

Photo

Congrats, ELLIE, you have been accepted to AL for the role of SEVERUS SNAPE (FC: aneurin barnard). HOLY CRAPOLY, ELLIE! This app was absolutely fantastic! I couldn’t pull myself away from reading it and was just seriously BLOWN AWAY. This is everything I ever could have dreamed for in a portrayal for a character as central to the plot as Severus is! You truly have a gift and I’m so excited you’re here! Please send in your blog (no sideblogs for first characters, please) in the next 24 hours and be sure to take a look at our new player checklist. Welcome home (once again), we’re so excited to have you join the family!

OOC

name — ellie. age — 20+ pronouns — she/her. timezone — GMT. activity level — i’m not a very fast writer tbh, but i don’t have any other hobbies or rl obligations to keep me from rp atm so i should be able to maintain more than 3 paras a week.

IC Overview

name — severus tobias snape. faceclaim — aneurin barnard, louis garrel, richard harmon. age — 26. gender — cis male.

sexuality — demisexual, biromantic. He lacks the terminology for it, and simply regards sex as yet another social endeavor for which he is ill-equipped.

patronus — doe. yes, it still works. no, he doesn’t understand why or how. he is most certainly not pure of heart. the memory he calls on to summon the patronus is his first dinner with the evans family, where mrs. evans piled his plate high with steak and mashed potatoes and peas, and lily snuck her broccoli onto his plate discreetly while trying not to make a face, and petunia was spending the night at a friend’s house across the street and too far away to ruin the lighthearted atmosphere. they joked and laughed and cleaned the dishes afterwards. it was the first proper family dinner he’s had in his life.

boggart — voldemort. Not, specifically, for the man himself although he is a rather striking figure on his own – but rather for what the man represents to snape. Voldemort represents how far snape’s ambition and thirst for power and knowledge will take him if left unchecked. He represents a hungry and gaping and greedy part of snape that will take and take and take, and grow hungrier and greedier still, uncaring. Losing control in such a manner – allowing himself to be led astray by a mad man and his mad men, doing their bidding and spreading pain and grief and loss, thinking himself so righteous and vindicated – the worst parts of himself, unvarnished, laid bare for him to see. Snape has long since discarded any illusions of himself he may have entertained before the war. He knows the parts that make him up. He knows what he does and why he does it. He knows how far he will go without an anchor — and he fears being unmoored and unrestrained most of all. Fears what he will allow himself to do, without a pragmatic set of rules and ethics to keep him in line.

IC In Depth

personality traits —

+Loyal: snape’s loyalty is difficult to earn, but impossible to lose. He has a thorough, comprehensive, all-or-nothing approach towards loyalty. You either have it or you don’t. All of him or none of him. He will give you his soul – his strength, his work, his honour, his dignity, his life, his word – or he will give you nothing. Thus far, the only people who have earned his loyalty are lily evans and albus dumbledore.

+Sharp: snape is clever and perceptive, his intelligence owed in large due to the many hours spent in his mother’s company as a child, listening to her stories and her theories and her careful instruction. She was not a pleasant woman, nor a kind mother, but she taught him the power of knowledge at a young age, and the sharp glint of intelligence in his eyes matched hers.

+Hardworking: say what you will about snape’s character flaws – of which he has plenty, and of which there is quite a lot to say – but his work ethic has always been and will always be impeccable, beyond reproach. He never does things by half. He is a hard worker who spares no efforts once he sets his mind to a task.

-Antagonistic: he holds firm to an unpleasant disposition and hostile countenance. It is his nature to be wary and suspicious and to hold others in low esteem until proven wrong. Snape takes most attempts at social interaction with a grain of salt, expecting mockery and insolence and responding swiftly in kind.

-Bitter: snape’s biggest motivator is spite. He’s a man of well-groomed grudges, what can he say? growing up in poverty with a bitter mother and an unpleasant father, both of whom were uncreative in how they let out their frustrations and rather liberal in tossing about blame for everything that had gone wrong in their lives, had left him with quite an armful of ill-advised coping methods and a less than stellar personality overall.

-Selfish: it’s not that he’s incapable of love and affection. He is demonstrably and regrettably capable of both. He has, as well, displayed a certain capacity for selfless action when it came to his precious few loved ones. Sometimes. But, well. Well. It’s not his default. He spent many years with his head firmly stuck up his ass, seeing and caring about nothing but his own interests and his own ambitions and dreams finally being realized — and nearly lost the only thing in his rather pathetic life that held any meaning whatsoever. And he is still selfish by nature. Even in the years since he’d come to dumbledore to yet again pledge his allegiance to yet another all powerful and all conniving old wizard – the irony of which was not lost on him, not for a moment, rest assured – selflessness is still an installed feature that he must think consciously of before implementing. And, most of the time, it is not something he chooses to do.

-Deceptive: if snape was the sort to keep count of such things – and, as a spy, he most assuredly is – he would truthfully disclose that, in every relationship he’s built in his life since he was old enough for hogwarts, there is a layer of deception that must be adhered to at all times. An intermingling web of lies and half truths and omissions that must be observed with careful attention, lest the whole thing unravel and spill out his doom. He’s a spy. At least now it’s become part and parcel of who he is. At least, he now has a quasi-noble purpose to attach to the rather sticky threads of which he is – secretly – fond. He can admit, if only to himself, that he doesn’t know how to build a relationship without some form of deception to maintain throughout.

character biography —

PROLOGUE.

he stands on his tiptoes over the wooden chair, stirring with the ladle in both hands. clockwise, clockwise, counter-clockwise…. let the ladle rest against the side of the cauldron for thirty seconds. the liquid is two shades off. he adds a pinch of powder, and the color adjusts.

mam’s sharp eyes follow his every move. she nods, stiffly. tension uncoils from his shoulders. “when you get to hogwarts,” she says, brusque, “you’ll be at the top of your class.”

it’s not explicit praise, told more like a command, really, but it’s close enough. emboldened, he asks, “will i ‘ave friends at ‘ogwarts?” he looks up. watches. “lots and lots o’ friends?”

mam blinks. the silence stretches. she pats his head, drops her hand down to his shoulder. “of course, sev. lots and lots. now help me pack everything away before your dad comes home.”

ACT I.

can a place be both hell and home?

well, if it can be — if it’s possible to love and hate a place with equal intensity, if it’s possible to feel like a jigsaw puzzle slotting into place at last and still look over your shoulder and jump at every sound — if it is, then to severus, hogwarts was that place. the home that was unsafe, the home with danger at every corner, the home with no way out. no way out but through.

it’s not s’pposed to be like this, he’d thought, eleven and still a touch naive. this can’t be right. but what did he know about homes and safety, anyway? was Spinner’s End not the same, except smaller and with less magic? did he not look over his shoulder and watch his every step just the same?

being a halfblood matters, more than he thought it would. and being a slytherin matters, but not in the way he’d thought. a poor, dirty, halfblood slytherin with a nasty attitude and an uncouth accent stood out like a rotten stink. hogwarts was magical and whimsical, but it was just a place, just like any other, and the students were just students, and the bullies were just bullies. and sev was still sev, wand or no wand. hogwarts did not fix him and make him better. it did not give him friends on a silver platter.

what it gave him, instead, was knowledge. yes, he spent years the target of relentless bullying, made more enemies than friends and few acquaintances who were in between, but the library was his home. He devoured knowledge with a single-minded intensity, filled with such joy at learning new concepts and spells that it made everything else he had to put up with worth the effort. He badgered his teachers relentlessly with increasingly complex questions, and often times concerning lines of inquiry, and experimented with new spells and potions early on — first with lily, then without — filling notebooks with ideas and information and half formed thoughts. At the age of thirteen, he’d begun working on his own grimoire, writing down his own potions recipes and his modifications to existing potions. All the great potions masters have their own grimoires, why shouldn’t he start his own now?

He isn’t sure when his views began to shift. Somewhere along the way, the facade he’d put on for his housemates began to seep through the cracks and into the boy underneath. it became so much easier to hate muggles and then muggleborns, to blame them for everything that went wrong in his life, to use this hatred as an outlet for all his frustrations he already had with his own life.

By the time the dark lord called, severus was well and truly indoctrinated. It didn’t take much to convince himself that this was the right thing to do.

ACT II.

He takes the mark.

Things… escalate.

They ask him to do terrible things, and he does them fastidiously. He does not feel satisfaction or pleasure when killing and torturing, though he hardly lets that stop him from doing exactly as he’s instructed, to the letter, and sometimes beyond. Vying for the attention and approval of the man who held his soul in the palm of his hand, indifferent to it’s fate, careless in his handling unless the little halfblood proved himself useful. And he did. He proved himself clever, gifted, loyal, ruthless. He worked hard to earn his place, knowing the alternative.

It’s not like he doesn’t know he’s in a genocidal cult. At some point, even the most indoctrinated could see what this was. The dark lord wanted servants to do his bidding, not allies to share in the glory and the power. The dark lord was strikingly clever, imposing and powerful, and stark raving mad.

But severus was marked. He couldn’t put himself at risk, couldn’t think of stepping out of line with his master’s mark upon his arm. The only way out was through.

severus was thorough. he followed instructions to completion, with a single minded focus. he did his work with a professional detachment, a nonbeliever in the guise of a devotee.

And then, he came upon a prophecy.

ACT III.

The dark lord’s fall is a gift that severus doesn’t know what to do with. He’d spent so long treading a worn thread like a tightrope over the brink of hell itself, that the thought of letting his guard down for even a moment sends his every sense screaming DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

He feels like a man who’s been running full pelt, nonstop, like he was running his whole life and suddenly the ground is pulled from beneath him and he’s free-falling into nothingness. Lily is safe. Unhappy, but alive, and for that he is more grateful than he could’ve ever imagined.

But he is alive, too. And for all his plots and schemes, it didn’t occur to him that he’d make it to the other end of this war in one piece. Not since he turned spy.

The question mark hangs over his head all the way through the chaos following the dark lord’s fall. Severus, sitting through trial after trial, feels as though his ears are stuffed full of cotton and his senses are veiled through with fog. Only in the aftermath of his own trial, when dumbledore rests a hand upon his shoulder and grants him a proud smile does severus begin to hope.

Dumbledore saves him. He gives him a home, a job, a purpose. He guides him through the darkest hour of his life.

Even through the fog, Severus can see it: the headmaster’s true intentions. He knows he must be of some use to the headmaster still, that dumbledore is simply working to gain his true loyalty. That all severus had really done on that stormy night was trade one master for another.

But dumbledore, for all his machinations, is still a good man. There are worse masters to grovel to, as he very well knows. And lily is safe, just as promised. It’s only right that severus pay back his due.

ACT IV.

Once he finds his footing, severus gets busy. He integrates himself with the remaining loyal death eaters as seamlessly as possible, works to maintain at least civil relationships with high ranking order members — with a few notable exceptions — and begins to, brick by brick, build his life from the ground up.

The following years are filled with quiet self reflection. Severus grows more critical of himself, of his actions, of his beliefs. He pulls apart his motives and his reasons for joining the dark lord, inspects his role in the war unsympathetically, the impact he’s had on the lives of others. He does not like what he sees. but he does not look away.

He’s created violent and dark spells for the dark lord during his service. Spells with no counter, or a secret one. Spells the death eaters all knew and used. If he had died in the war as he’d come to expect to, these spells would’ve been his only legacy. His only contribution to the wizarding world. unparalleled violence.

This is who he is. This is what he’s done. He cannot undo it, he cannot be forgiven. but he can strive to be… better. And he does.

beyond the waiting and watching and listening, severus shifts the bulk of his focus upon his work. He creates and tests potions with the needs of the wizarding community in mind, puts his brilliance to good use. He follows a strict code of ethics, to the letter, holds himself to task when it is not properly adhered to. He takes responsibility for the things he releases into the world. He builds himself a respectable reputation in his fields of study, his articles and discoveries published in peer-reviewed journals and papers, his work talked about in academic circles with something like respect.

As the whispers spread and the death eaters prepare for their next move, severus shifts to a ready stance. He has more to fight for — more to live for, now — than he had five years ago. He is ready.

plot ideas —

oh, god, i’m SO excited to explore what snape post-war would’ve been like if he didn’t lose lily. what happened in the books is that lily’s death and his role in it sent him down a spiral of self loathing, guilt, and suicide ideation – and he wallowed in his grief and his guilt for the rest of his life. the trajectory of his life after lily’s death shifted to protecting her son and serving dumbledore. he stopped thinking of his own ends and started viewing himself as a means to an end, that end being the physical safety of lily’s boy (disregarding, of course, the mental wellbeing of potter’s spawn) and while there was growth in his own views over the years i can’t help but think it was greatly stunted by his own grief.

what i want to explore with snape is growth. realistic, nonlinear, steady growth over the years after the war, where he becomes more critical of both himself, his motives, his thinking, and the impact of his actions on other people and the world. he grew up a precocious child with no proper adult guidance, and all his life lessons he’s learned through first hand experience. and like any other 17-year-old, he thought he knew everything. He was reckless and arrogant, and he made terrible choices confidently, with no regard to the greater consequences. post-war snape is painfully aware of his own shortcomings, is trying to be better, not for the sake of being a good person but for the sake of proper self discipline and self control. he never wants to lose control of himself and allow his ambitions and his greed to take him to such lengths again. he wants to have a more positive impact on the world around him, even if he himself is still an objectively bad person, even if he himself is still selfish and deceptive and eaten up by greed.

so how can a bad person be good? by doing good things, even if he’s doing it for the wrong reasons. and snape is doing it for the wrong reasons, he’s well aware of that. He doesn’t have the intuitive grasp of right and wrong that lily always had. He can’t simply do what feels right, as that never turned out to be the right thing at all. Instead, he does what he calculates as having the most positive impact on the biggest number of people, regardless of whether or not it feels right to him. He acts in the interests of the greater good.

It’s a very utilitarian approach. Not dissimilar to dumbledore, who took snape in after the war and was more or less his mentor figure the years following. but unlike dumbledore, snape does not disregard or dismiss the individual lives of people he comes across, is very mindful of his own personal impact in the individual lives of the people around him. in canon, snape is horrified at dumbledore’s plan for harry. dumbledore asks him how many men and women he’s watched die, and snape’s response to that is ‘lately, only those whom i could not save.’ this interaction perfectly encapsulates the differences in morality between the two men. snape is capable of making sacrifices for the greater good and strives to work towards ending the war, making moral compromises towards that end. but his faith in the greater good is limited. When it comes down to it, snape is loyal to people, not causes. And often, since he’s made the conscious decision to become a better person, risks his life for the sake of others.

Another thing i want to explore with snape is his interpersonal relationships. Because, god. Come onnnnnnnnn. His two best friends are lily evans and lucius malfoy. For fucks sake. Lily who cut ties with him when they were 16 and whose husband he is partially responsible for sending to an indefinite coma, yikes, and lucius, for whom he feels the most straightforward affection and who he’s actually quite prepared to stab in the back when the time comes. And it will come, soon enough.

He has….. Complicated relationships. And complicated views on intimacy. He has a tendency to separate his feelings from his duty, which sometimes leads to him doing terrible things to people he cares about. Lying, stealing, manipulating, etc etc etc. it does not mean, to him, that he cares about these people any less. Regrettably, he cares too much, and can’t stop caring once he starts. It does not mean the people he cares about are safe with him. And i want to explore that, especially in his relationships with lily and lucius, as well as his fellow death eaters.

Speaking of the death eaters. Snape was already a high ranking death eater before the dark lord fell, and he’d worked very hard the last five years to integrate himself irrevocably within the ranks of the remaining death eaters. He’d observed their dynamics and worked to make himself seem as loyal and irreplaceable as can be. No doubt he formed many a bond with many a member, not all of them built on lies. And he would take special interest in the hesitant, wavering loyalties, poking and prodding to see how he can use them to further his own position within the death eaters ranks. There’s a lot of potential for inner-politics and sabotage within the DE.

extra —

Mockblog @ sevsnpe.tumblr.com

headcanons:

Snape had a thick manchester accent growing up that was very quickly packed away and replaced with ‘respectable speech’ a few weeks into his stay in the snake pit. When he’s angry or emotional he speaks very slowly and deliberately, his voice dropping in octaves and growing very soft and precise. it becomes very difficult for him to keep control of his speech. He slips on occasion when he and lily are alone.

Eileen sold wonderful ailment-soothing ‘tea’ for her neighbours. severus helped her brew these concoctions regularly as a kid, when he was still too short to reach the tabletop without standing on a chair.

Snape looks up to dumbledore and seeks his approval. It infuriates him to no end, that so much of his own decision-making hinges on the older man’s opinion of him, that he cares what albus thinks of him at all. But after the dark lord’s fall, snape was lost and fumbling, trying to make sense of the world, of himself, of his next steps. He desperately wanted to be a better man, but had neither the tools nor the guidance to do so. if albus hadn’t taken him under his wing, he doesn’t know where he’d be now.

he’s a heavy smoker. he picked up smoking post-war and is not in any hurry to quit. he can stop whenever he wants to anyway.

he maintains a private library in his rooms at hogwarts. he’s as possessive of it and as territorial as a dog. he’s accumulated a very impressive collection of rare books and journals over the years, and a long list of contacts in the private book collectors and book sellers circles to go with. a disproportionate number of his books are highly illegal and officially labelled ‘dark’.

the bulk of his focus, after the war, is split between two things. integrating himself further into the remaining circle of death eaters, and his own personal research into the mind arts, potions, and dark magic, which he conducts in his capacity as potions master and professor at hogwarts. he’s made several discoveries in potions study and published multiple articles in academic journals over the last five years, building himself a respectable reputation and body of works within his field. beyond the fact that such academic pursuits are his passion, his work gives him tangible proof that he is capable of positive contributions to the world around him. that he is capable of doing good, even if he himself is a bad person. his work and his growing reputation gives him something to look forward to after the war. it’s something unrelated to the death eaters and to lily, it’s something completely his own. he is very defensive and protective of his research.

Once or twice a month, snape visits muggle london and spends a few hours in a public library. It’s calming, reading books to simply pass the time. He won’t admit this to anyone, but the connection he has to the muggle world is something he’s learned to accept and even take comfort in from time to time.

#al:accepted #severus snape #harry potter rp #hp rp #marauders era rp

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venus-says · 4 years

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Kamen Rider Ex-Aid Episodes 01-15

Press START button.

Ex-Aid is one of those seasons that when you look at it sounds like something that shouldn't work. I mean, putting doctors and video-games together? Is this what, a Dr. Mario live-action, an adaptation of Surgeon Simulator, or an actual Kamen Rider season?

This odd combination of factors always made very skeptical about this season, there's also the huge anime eyes in the helmet that never sat well with me too, but this concept combo always seemed pretty wild to work. But then I watched Gaim, which also had an odd combination of themes, and I saw that those odd concepts mixed together can be doable and be something fun so I started to look forward to the season. But even with the excitement, a small fear started to linger because as I started seeing more and more of Kamen Rider and seeing more of the community I always saw Ex-Aid popping up as one season that everyone thinks it's top-notch and well... the last time I saw a highly acclaimed season in the fandom I hated it so the chances of that happening here again were there.

And you know, I think my fears became reality and I feel like I'm having another Drive experience here. Maybe not at the same level as Drive, I feel like Ex-Aid got me less angry and annoyed, but this season really didn't click with me. I see that it can grow on me because after episode 11 I started enjoying it more, but the general feeling for these 15 episodes and this movie was... meh? Like, I don't like most of the characters, I have a serious problem with the comedy, and there's something in the dialogue of this show that really tickles me off. I also don't like how CGI heavy this show is, and most of the CGI looks horrible.

One thing that really pushed me off at the beginning was the structure that wasn't very interesting, we had 4 episodes to introduce the riders, 4 episodes to give a power-up to each of them, and 2 to introduce a shared power-up and defeat the first general of the villains, and I felt like I came out of these without that much story, it felt like they were just going through a checklist of toys they had to sell and not actually telling a story. It's only from episode 11 onward that it starts to feel like this show has some sort of plot.

I also don't like how this starts similar to a Rider War thing, with all riders competing to see who cleans 10 games first and gets the most Gashats, but they make all characters out of the main one be completely hateful so we have no choice other than root for him. And like, it's okay to give us jerk characters, but you gotta give us something about them so that we can hang on, you don't need to make them redeemable or anything but you gotta have enough for us to love hating on a character otherwise it's just annoying.

Going back to my weird dialogue point, probably one of the things that I dislike the most is how there are times where they don't seem like real people talking? Like, the image I have when seeing the dialogue is that a bunch of old men in a writers' room sit down thinking "what will sound very trendy to hit off with the kid gamers", "what's a young people language we can put here" and they think they're being very smart and clever, but just sounds odd as hell, especially with the gaming aspect and the catchphrases (that at this point in this franchise I'm already tired of them because most of them aren't even charming anymore).

Another thing that doesn't sit well with me is just how special they make these characters be when there's no necessity for it. Like, being an actual doctor is already special enough, you don't need to have your main rider be extremely good at games to justify the gaming motif, you don't need the secondary rider to be a famous prodigious surgeon to install a rivalry. I mean look at Kiriya, as far as I can't remember he doesn't have any special trait and yet he manages to be interesting and stand out on his own. Heck, you don't need to have Emu be patient 0 of the gaming disease when you already have him being really good at video-games and when you're starting to add another element to him with a possible second personality, it's too much for a single character RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING. It's not like we're seeing those characters evolving into becoming special, they're already special and we just have to buy it. Of course, there are still routes that they can go with that will make the show more interesting, like for example they can do something with Taiga and Emu and their game addiction/obsession and that can be really great, but all this special feeling since the beginning really bugs me.

I think since I'm already here let me talk about the characters. Emu is a precious kid, there are times in which he kinda gets under my skin, but I overall like him. I especially love that he works as a pediatrician, in the beginning, especially considering this is a kids' show, I like to have this idea of doctors being heroes in the mind of children because they really are (despite the health care system in a lot of countries make it looks like they're villains). Other than him being extra special there are two things the show does with him that I don't like, the first one is that after the first arc is done they make him leave pediatrics to start doing surgeries and while I understand that as an intern that's the normal course and he probably has to go through different areas before choosing a specialty, but I feel like that was done just to hone more the rivalry with Hiiro and I don't really care for that, I hope he's back at pediatrics later on because I feel like it's what makes more sense for him and for the target audience of this show. The other thing I don't like is his personality change when he "starts a game" because it never felt like there was much of a change in any of the cases, they just make a gust of wind and he shows a grim for a few seconds, but nothing changes. And seeing that this is a plot point they want to explore it annoys me that they never made that play out before, it's bringing something up when it's convenient and saying that they had a basis for that but the basis is a single small thing that was never brought up to attention before.

Moving to Hiiro, I Hate Him and that's all I have to say. And I hate him even more because the show put him in a relationship where he was very cold and dismissive of his significant other and still they want to make us sympathize with him, they frame it as "the girl left because she didn't want to bother your studies" instead of "she left you because you were a jerk". But of course, they can't make that because then they wouldn't be able to make the stoic character they want so much, they would have to make someone who's trying to become a better person after he lost someone important that he didn't give the proper attention to, and that's much harder and they don't want that. UGH, I hate this man so much.

Taiga. Taiga is... interesting, I like the concept of someone who worked at CR before but lost himself to addiction, that's a great plot point. It's sad they don't do much with him and we end up with another obsessive jerk. Still, don't hate him as much because I can see the potential for them doing something very cool with him, but as of now, he's in the pile of hate.

Kiriya was probably my favorite character of this cast, it was really fun seeing him go from a mysterious man lurking around to someone who looks very deceptive, and all the journey of him investigating the truth as the episodes where going, and seeing his credibility be questioned but he never gave up despite that, it was all very great. Do I think it was a cheap move to kill him before he could tell the truth about Emu? Yes, I do. Because this is something we see everywhere, it's not a new trick. But I still felt his death, and if they don't come up with a way to revive him somehow I'll give this show props because it was a bold move to kill off a character during the Christmas special.

About Genm, and all the villains for that matter, I don't have much to say. I don't get them, I'm not curious to understand them, thus I don't care for them. It's interesting that the powers of the riders end up coming from the main villain? A bit? But then again, if you have all of these powers and you're handing them to people who oppose you, it seems like it's very counter-intuitive. At least they have the excuse that he's gathering data from them, but if he never recovers those gashats, is he really getting the data he wants? I don't know, everything about him and the villains seems very odd. But for what's worth, he almost killed himself to gather data for a zombie game and that was pretty wild so I guess that counts? About Graphite and Parad, I don't have anything to say, don't really care for them.

This leaves us with the side characters. Asuna/Poppy, I wanna like her but sadly I don't. If she is the "token girl" of the season, I'm at least glad she's not a romantic interest and that she fills in as a support role, but still, don't know why she can't just be a regular nurse that goes a little crazy sometimes. Though I guess if they had gone this route with her she would probably become Kiriko 2.0 and that's also bad so... There's the Director of the hospital, and I just hate him, I hate that they make someone who's supposed to be the leader of the hospital sooooo stupid. And he's stupid at all times, he doesn't even get the treatment Jun had in which he was there for comedy but he also had his moments where he was serious and those moments were pretty good. This dude is just here to make his eyes pop and drool over his son and I hate that. Mr. Minister should've chosen someone better suited for this job. And last, there's Nico who just seems like another jerk I don't like, but I'm holding on talking about her because I think I've only seen her for 2 or 3 episodes and she appeared very little so I can't say much about her.

I intended to talk about the Dr. Pac-Man movie, but they actually integrated that plot in the show in a much more flashed out way this time around so I feel like it would be redundant to talk about it since the bigger points I would have to make were already touched on. But let me say, what a mess of a movie. Like, there was no reason for Wizard and Gaim to be there, like how did Gaim even get there in the first place? This movie would be much better with only Drive, Ghost, and Ex-Aid, because they actually had a decent plot going around there that connected very nicely. But it's still a cross-over movie and they make a lot of things I hate about these cross-overs, the awful rider forms are there, there was an awful huge CGI battle scene that looked ugly as hell (though props to them for making this fight happen mid-way and not at the end), there was that scene were the riders started to speed-run through their old forms that were also pretty awful because I could barely understand what was going on in the scenes, all the mess that every rider cross-over movie has. But the thing that annoyed me the most this time around wasn't even that, was Ghost being Ghost again and putting another countdown to doom into Takeru and bringing Akari in this hell with him, and having ANOTHER fake-out death for him at the end. GOSH, THIS ANNOYS ME SO MUCH, LET THIS DUDE LIVE, STOOOOOOP.

And before wrap-up let's talk about what everyone loves, the designs.

This is probably the group with my least favorite designs EVER in this franchise, I'm sorry. I get, they're taking inspiration of different game genres, and the different forms are like they're leveling up, and in concept, I like that but in actual looks, only a very few of them get to pull it off. To begin with, I don't even know what those belts are supposed to be, they look way too busy and I can't define what that shape is.

The Level 1 forms are a mistake. I know, it's Mario before he eats a mushroom, it's still ugly as hell, and I hate that when they grow to their Level 2 forms the head of Level 1 goes to their back like a backpack. In terms of Level 2, I wasn't a fan of Ex-Aid's eyes at first but the design grew on me a lot, I love the colors and how vibrant it is, I also like Genm's because it's just a color variation and it looks good so... Kinda wish his hammer arm stayed as a hammer all the time though, makes Brave having a sword less special. And speaking of him, despite hating his character, as an RPG fan, I do love his design. Snipe, on the other hand, is an abomination. That thing on his right eye that is supposed to hair? What the fuck Kamen Rider, you can do better. Well... at least he's not just a bike, I guess. Thinking about it now, I should've known that Kiriya would end-up dying when his level 2 form was just a bike, that was a major red flag. At least he looks cool.

Sadly Level 3 starts to make everything look ugly again because the power-ups are attachments and they usually go only in the upper body making everyone look like an ice cream cone. I don't think there's a single Level 3 design I like, all of them look awful. I think Shakariki Sports and Jet Combat offend me the most, but all of these can be thrown in the trash. Together with the shared Level 5 power-up, gosh talk about an awful form, it's so bulky, and that dragon head looks so ridiculous, I think the only Level 5 that works is Brave's because in the end it just looks like he's branding his sword, but everyone else looks awful, in special the Full Dragon form.

The Level 10 forms are fun because I love Genm's zombie version, black and white is an easy combination but it works so well, and this dude looks so freaking cool, also NO BACKPACK HEAD! Also, he has a much better belt than the others, this should be the design for all the riders, it's not very big, it's easily recognizable as a portable console, it just looks good you know? But then we have Ex-Aid's Level 10 and he's chibi ex-aid again and he looks awful, thankfully this form is just a set for us to get Level 20 Left and Right that is a concept I love and definitely my favorite suits out of the ones for this season so far. Would I like it better if there wasn't the shoulder piece with Lv.10's head? Definitely, but I still love these forms. I personally love the right side more because after all we already have a light blue rider on the team, but I also think the bright orange with blue accents looks more appealing and stands out more than the blue with orange accents. The last form present in these 15 episodes is Para-DX's Puzzle and Fighting game forms, and I hate the puzzle form, it's really ugly, the fighting game form works way much better, but the back of the helmet being Puzzle's head brings it down a little.

And that's it for this post. Not gonna lie, considering how much I didn't enjoy this show at the beginning, I'm very surprised by how long this post is. I think it's a sign I'm invested so I'm hoping we'll have only good things from here on now. If you have anything to add, please share your thoughts in the comments down below. Stay healthy, stay safe, never stop resisting, thank you so much for reading me rant for so long, and until the next time. See ya in the next game.

#Kamen Rider Ex-Aid #kamen rider

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thecpdiary · 4 years

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Book Review of Cerebral Palsy by Mai Cadiz

Cerebral Palsy: ‘A Story’ - Ilana Estelle

‘Finding the Calm after the Storm’

A Book Review – By Mai Cadiz

Ilana’s book is an extension of her blog - The CP Diary which chronicles her life as a Cerebral Palsy patient. It has also become a community for people who are also diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. Her blog is more expansive as it dates back to 2010.

However, her book is an intimate look at a woman’s life with Cerebral Palsy. This book makes me confront my own view and perception on how to deal with people who have medical conditions that outwardly affect their appearance and their cognitive, emotional, and social struggles.

In this book, it gave Cerebral Palsy a name, a face, and a life. It tells me that Ilana is more than a check list of symptoms. She is human, just like you and I, she also feels pain – both physical and emotional, depression, anger, love, and the most important of all, hope.

The physical symptoms of cerebral palsy is made real because it is being experienced by someone who lives and breathes. The book makes me aware that people experience these difficult physical symptoms. The symptoms are no longer just a checklist to confirm a diagnosis – but a painful reality that some people live with every day.

I usually look away from people with Cerebral Palsy not because I’m unkind, but I feel pain for them. I also feel pity. It’s difficult for me to see how they live with their disability. 20 years ago, during my internship at a special school, I assisted in the therapy of a child with cerebral palsy. Although I was physically present at the child’s session, my mind was elsewhere because I didn’t want to see or feel the child’s difficulties. After my internship, I tried to erase all the memories of that child so I wouldn’t experience profound sadness.

This book makes me realize that patients don’t need pity. What they need is understanding and a support system that can make them function in their pace without making them feel as burdens. We have to understand that people diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy may be a bit slower in their thought processes, so we must not hurry them or get impatient. If they ask for our help, we should extend our hand not because we don’t want them to go on their way, but we want to show them that this world is not full of insensitive people.

Ilana’s childhood was marred with difficulties in physical and emotional milestones as her illness made the usual things impossible for her to do. She was even misdiagnosed at first with spastic monoparesis in her childhood. Reading this story makes me confront my emotions – it forces me to feel the pain and sadness and hope for Ilana.

Despite the anger and frustration, Ilana is hopeful. The hope comes from not knowing what might happen. To some this might scary, but the unknown makes her think that there was something else left to be uncovered.

The physical disability also takes a toll on Ilana. We tend to forget that aside from the physical pain that these patients experience, they also have to cope with the stress, anxiety, and depression caused by the disability. It’s an eye opener that we cannot just dismiss their feelings – expecting them to be hopeful day in and day out is something that we shouldn’t demand from them because we never really know what they go through.

This book also highlights the importance of intuition and listening to your needs and putting them first. The more she became aware of her limitations, the more she used those to her advantage to succeed in her career and latter education.

It gives hope to the readers that your weakness can be your guide to know what you can do best. Her diary, allowed her to put her feelings and thoughts into context. Despite her diagnosis of cerebral palsy at the age of 46, and autism at 56, Ilana has survived her struggles with grace.

This book tells us that we are not victims of circumstances, but we have a choice on how we live. I’m diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder. Although our conditions are completely different, we share emotional struggles like depression. I have mood swings that are hard to control without therapy. It is sometimes challenging to see the positive side of life when things go south for me.

Ilana could have become bitter and chose to blame everyone in her life, but she consciously chooses to be realistic and hopeful about her condition. She still chooses to achieve greater goals in life. She refuses to resign to her fate. She teaches us that there are things that we all cannot and can control. We can work with those things that we can control.

In the process, we can inspire to change the system that worked against us so other people can live a better life. This book empowers people with disabilities and illness – we are more than our diagnosis. Ilana refused to be defined by her Cerebral Palsy alone. That is inspiring.

Ilana also offers a sound advice – “Other disabled people can concentrate on things their disability doesn’t prevent them from doing well, and don’t regret the things it interferes with. Don’t be disabled in spirit as well as physically.” These words are powerful, inspiring, and most importantly – doable.

The description on how the brain works is very easy to understand. There are no complicated scientific terms. The parts of the brain’s structures are easy to understand, thus it’s easy for the reader to comprehend the difficulties of a person living with cerebral palsy.

Her letter to Cerebral Palsy is full one of acceptance, but she refuses to resign to her fate. Instead, in the letter, Ilana addressed Cerebral Palsy as a companion that she learned to work with as she lives her life with grace.

Ilana also highlights the importance of mental health. The body and the mind are interlinked intimately that it can never be broken. Cerebral Palsy’s physical symptoms can take a toll on the mind. We should never dismiss anyone’s emotional pain – especially those who are suffering from a disability. Ilana describes that it’s OK to sometimes feel down and even angry at what she was dealt with, but the most important thing is to rise back up.

The message of hope in this book is rooted in reality. It doesn’t portray the false sweet promises of positivity. It’s anchored on real human experiences of someone who is physically disabled – that some days are difficult to deal with. That sometimes, the disability can overwhelm every one.

She also acknowledges that with her condition, the complications will get worse as the brain continues to deteriorate. The knowledge of that fact is frightening. But instead of giving up, she chooses to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Some people experience more difficulties with disabilities because their own family members, to a certain degree resent them. Ilana states that if we want society’s perception and treatment with people with disability to change, it must start with the home. Family members should be the first ones to show kindness and compassion, and the rest will follow.

Her argument that disability should be considered normal to achieve inclusivity may raise some eyebrows. How can someone who is different from the rest of the population be considered normal? They are two separate concepts – but when you think about it, inclusivity means accepting that everyone is differently-abled can also contribute something positive to society.

Ilana wrote that we as a society, still view them with pity. That we are still awkward around them, though it’s a normal human reaction. Ilana offers helpful guide on how we should treat family members with disabilities. The book uses actionable terms in place of abstract concept. She explains compassion is asking what the individual needs. She explains acceptance is engaging with conversation.

This book is not your typical self-help or inspirational book. It offers more than positive thinking that other writers peddle as life-changing. Ilana struggles and triumph are raw because she doesn’t try to portray herself as someone who has overcome every challenges in one fell swoop. She is able to balance her emotional experiences, without the dramatic flair. The book is effective in its portrayal of her struggles and successes because they are rooted in her truth.

She still lives with her medical reality though it is filled with trips to doctors, countless tests, physical, mental and emotional struggles. Despite all the stacks being against her, she doesn’t lose hope and inspires people and who are differently-abled to embrace their condition with grace.

#thecpdiary #book #bookreview #cerebralpalsy #astory #findingthecalm #afterthestorm #positivevibes #memoir #selfhelp #mindbodyspirit

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lemon-powered-blog · 4 years

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Starting a Low Carb Diet Regimen Plan - The 7 Finest Keys to Success

If you're reading this, you are probably knowledgeable about the remarkable health and wellness benefits of a low carb diet regimen plan, which has been shown in numerous conventional dietary research studies. These advantages include weight loss, hunger reduction, boosted metabolic rate, higher energy, and also decreased risk-markers for lots of deadly conditions like heart disease, diabetic issues, and also cancer.

What is the best way to obtain started? This article covers 7 of the best time-tested approaches to get you on a low carb diet regimen plan (that lasts).

1) Start Small

One common mistake individuals make is taking on too much, as well swiftly. While diving in the deep end shows strong inspiration, it's a lot like dashing at the start of a marathon and also can inevitably cause frustration and also returning to old habits.

Instead, try to focus on making a couple of positive changes slowly, so you can experiment with what works best for you. If you try to burden yourself all at once by telling on your own you "can't have" specific foods, that will normally bring about greater needs and also desires for those "forbidden" foods. By taking small actions over some time, you can easily embrace a low carb diet regimen strategy that is lasting for your long-lasting health.

2) Eliminate Bad Foods

The first step is to begin eliminating products that have high degrees of simple carbs as well as sugars, which ought to be reduced in your once a week diet. As creatures of practice, we tend to do what is hassle-free, and that consists of consuming things that are close by.

3) Consist Of Excellent Foods

On your next journey to the grocery store, make certain to fill up on tasty healthy and balanced foods that are high in good fats, healthy protein, and nutrients that your body demands. Attempt browsing for low carb buying listings online to locate excellent concepts before your following trip to the grocery store.

4) Obtain Assistance

Do you have a pal, partner, or family member who can join you (or support you from the sidelines)? Attempt talking with them regarding your objectives, because teamwork is always far better for responsibility. The more you can find motivation via a like-minded community, the much better your opportunities for learning faster and accomplishing long-term success. There is no factor to go-it-alone, specifically when you can discover ideas via people on YouTube, a great low carb dietary book, or enthusiastic blog owners who would love to learn through you, share their experiences, and deal with important knowledge. Obtain involved!

5) Concentrate On Your Routines

For better success on a low carb diet regimen plan, take a close look at any routines that may be preventing you from eating well (make a checklist). Start with just a solitary routine (perhaps it's that bagel you get from the deli every morning on the way to the office), and discover a means to replace that routine with a much healthier one (like making an environment-friendly healthy smoothie for your stroll rather).

Rather than merely eliminating old behaviors, it is important to replace those routines with better ones. Much like your food consumption - the idea is not to minimize how much you eat, but instead to slowly replace unhealthy foods for healthier ones. The same holds of routines. The objective is not to fight our tendency to form practices - instead, we wish to substitute unhealthy behaviors with healthier ones. By doing this progressively and also deliberately, your possibilities of success will boost substantially. In this manner, you will genuinely be in control of which actions you welcome, as opposed to permitting yourself to passively fall into average options or return to old ways.

6) Take Note Of Outcomes

As you start making changes, you will likely see enhancements in your health and wellness. Have you lost body fat? Are you feeling less hungry? Do you have more power throughout the day? Are you getting compliments on your figure or your skin clearness?

If you are like many individuals that have tried out a low carb diet regimen strategy, the response to a number of these inquiries will certainly be "YES!" Try not to take this for provided, because these enduring benefits will become the strongest kind of motivation to keep you on the right track in your much healthier lifestyle. It could assist to document these modifications by using a range, maintaining a fast journal, or requiring time to reflect on exactly how you used to feel before making changes.

7) Locate an Excellent Cookbook

For some that are used to consuming refined or prepared foods, it can be tough figuring out just how to cook fantastic dishes without spending too much time in the kitchen. If you seem like switching to a low carb diet plan is as well expensive, time-consuming, or boring, after that you should think about obtaining some good dish overviews or cookbooks that concentrate on low carb foods.

Low carb eating can be tasty, practical, and also really intriguing over the lasting if you have accessibility to good meal suggestions and also preparation tips. Set yourself up for success by discovering a terrific cooking resource to maintain your meal suggestions fresh as well as creative. In this manner, your trip to better wellness will be more convenient, much more enjoyable, as well as more enjoyable!

By taking little steps over some time, you can pleasantly take on a low carb diet regimen strategy that is lasting for your long-term wellness.

Try browsing for low carb buying listings online to locate excellent concepts before your following trip to the grocery store.

There is no factor to go-it-alone, especially when you can discover ideas via individuals on YouTube, a fantastic low carb nutritional publication, or passionate blog writers that would enjoy to listen to from you, share their experiences, and deal important understanding. For better success on a low carb diet plan, take a close appearance at any kind of behavior that may be stopping you from eating well (make a listing). Low carb eating can be delicious, practical, as well as really interesting over the lasting if you have accessibility to excellent dish concepts and also preparation pointers. you can also find out low carb website

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antiquechampagne · 5 years

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Mixed Media - Ch1 - Deja Vu

Watching the way the dining room light danced on the surface of the diamonds facets, Rita idly spun her wedding ring around her finger with her right hand. She was having a hard time concentrating on her son’s prattling; something about another kid in his first grade class. Her stomach lurched.

“Isn’t that funny, mom?” Jackson asked, turning to her.

Snapping back to reality, all Rita could manage was, “Oh… yeah. Sure.”

“Are you feeling alright?” Declan put his fork full of spaghetti down.

Rita had to ruminate for a moment on her husband’s question. She had felt off most of the day, but it was only at dinner that her stomach had really began to bother her. As she concentrated on her body, she could sense the beginnings of a migraine starting to burrow its way into her brain.

“I’m sorry, hon,” Rita rubbed her temples. “I haven’t felt good most of the day.”

“Why don’t you take it easy on the couch with your tea? We can handle the rest of dinner, can’t we, chap?”

“Sure.” Jackson nodded. Rita rose from the table and headed to the living room. “I hope you feel better, mom.”

“Thanks, guys.” She patted his shoulder. “I hope so too.”

Rita spent the next half an hour listening to the distant clink of silverware, the tea doing nothing for her turbulent state of health. Next, she heard the sink in the kitchen and laughter as her family cleaned up after their meal. Soon after, Declan leaned through the doorway to check on her.

“The TV isn’t on? You must really be sick if you aren’t even gaming. Guess that means you won’t be writing tonight either.”

Rita shook her head. Even if she had felt up to it, she had been suffering for writers block for over a week. Sitting at a computer was not in her cards tonight.

“Maybe it was the sweet rolls Tracey brought in.” She frowned. “My stomach is flopping around like a fish.”

“Why don’t you go to bed? You look like hell. I’ll take Jack up to the park for an hour or so before bed. It should keep us out of your hair and knock him out.”

Rita really wanted to refuse, to try to help Declan out with their nighttime routine, but she knew better. She was no help in the state she was in.

Trailed by her husband, Rita slipped into bed. Declan placed a glass of water and her cellphone on the nightstand, just in case she needed to get ahold of them at the park.

“Feel better, Love.” He said as the door closed behind him, leaving her in the dark. She only allowed herself to relax once she heard the front door close, the whole house silent in her family’s absence. Slowly, Rita drifted off to an uneasy sleep.

Rita woke from the blackness, her body jostling side to side. A cool breeze chilled her face. Thinking she might have left a window open, Rita slowly opened her eyes. It took a few blinks to register the tall green conifer trees passing by, breaking up a hazy sky. The rough wooden seat dug into her legs through her thin pajama pants. She tried to wipe her face, only to find her hands bound together. Why could she hear the clopping of horse hooves?

“Hey, you. You’re finally awake.”

Rita’s eyes focused on the man across from her. He looked to be clothed in something from a renaissance festival, with long blond braided hair and bushy facial hair. The last remnants of her headache retreated from her mind.

“You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there.”

Rita groaned, cutting off the grumbling thief. “You have got to be kidding me. That’s it… No more 6-hour Skyrim streams on a work night. This dream has great resolution though.”

A soldier clothed in red armor shouted back at the group. “Shut up back there!” he ordered.

The thief, shivering in his rags, turn to the man sitting next to Rita. “And what’s wrong with him?”

Before the chatty prisoner could answer, Rita cut in.

“Don’t worry, I got this…” She pointed as best she could to each man as she talked. “Your name is Lokir, a horse thief from Rorikstead. He’s Ralof, a Stormcloak soldier from Riverwood, that guy next to me is the big shot himself, Ulfric Stormcloak.” The three men stared at her, sitting there in front of them rolling her eyes. She shrugged. “If you are going to be in a meme-dream, you might as well shake things up a bit. Am I right? Do you even have any idea how many times I have restarted my character in this game?”

Lokir broke out of his trance first. “Ulfric? The Jarl of Windhelm? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us?”

Rita jumped in again. “Helgen. Here’s a free tip, Lokir. If you don’t run, maybe you'll live past the tutorial.”

“Well then, what village are you from, stranger?” a confused Ralof asked.

“Indianapolis.”

“Never heard of such a place.”

“I’m not from around here.”

Ralof waxed poetic, the gravity of his words worn thin on Rita's ears. “A Nord’s last thoughts should be of home.”

The cart rounded the bottom of the hill, steadily rolling through the rocky walls of Helgen.

A guard called out. "General Tullius, sir! The headsman is waiting!"

Rita had heard these words so many times before; she ignored most of them. Instead focusing on the world around her. She could smell the cooking fires of the barracks and homes they passed mixing with the smell of the animals. Birds sang, their songs echoing off the masonry and high mountain peaks above their heads. The bounce of the cart rolling over the cobblestones was making her back ache. As they pulled up to the small square in front of Helgen's main tower, Rita was transfixed momentarily at the detail of the thatched roofs that surrounded her.

The cart began to slow.

Rita was brought by to the present by the thief's shaking voice. "Why are we stopping?"

"Why do you think?' Ralof answered. "End of the line." The cart came to an abrupt stop. "Let's go. Shouldn't keep the gods waiting for us."

"I wonder why there isn't ambient music. It's so weird without it." Rita shook her head.

Lokir pleaded with the soldier to no avail. "No! Wait! We're not rebels!" Each of them were roughly shooed out of the cart.

"Face your death with some courage, thief." Rolaf admonished.

"You've got to tell them! We weren't with you! This is a mistake!" Lokir's nerves were shot. He shifted his weight back and forth on his feat, itching for any opening.

An Imperial Commander in front of them barked out an order. "Step towards the block when we call your name. One at a time!"

Next, she leaned over to Ralof, "Empire loves their damn lists, am I right?" Ralof cocked an eyebrow down at her.

An Imperial with a list read out the first name. "Ulfric Stormcloak, jarl of Windhelm." Ulfric strode defiantly across the cobbles.

Ralof stood proudly, watching his commander go."It has been an honor, Jarl Ulfic!"

The roll call continued. Ralof was next to be called forward. Rita knew who was next. Rita leaned close to Lokir.

"Dude, Lokir... don't run. They’re just going to shoot you." She could tell he wasn't listening. He looked like a rabbit cornered and scared, eye wide and breathing fast.

"Lokir of Rorikstead."

"No, I'm not a rebel! You can't do this!" Faster than Rita had remembered, he bolted across the courtyard.

"HALT!" the Captain commanded.

Full of adrenaline and terror, Lokir taunted back, "You're not going to kill me!"

Rita rolled her eyes as the order was issued for the archers to stop Lokir's escape.

"Anyone else feel like running?" The Imperial Captain scanned the crowd, daring each of them to test the aim of those under her command.

The Imperial soldier with the checklist looked Rita up and down as he checked his list.

"Wait. You there. Step forward. Who are you?"

Rita left the line. "Well, I don't look much like a Khajiit this time, do I?"

"Enough with the funny business. Where do you hail from?"

"I don't think you have where I am from on any map around here."

"You are trying my patience, prisoner."

Rita raced through the possibilities. "I guess I would be a Breton, I suppose?"

"Name."

"Rita Edwards."

He turned to his commander. "Captain. What should we do? She's not on the list."

"Forget the list. She goes to the block."

Rita followed as the Captain instructed, straining her ears, filtering out those who spoke around her. A shape caught her eye. The soldier nearest the wall had a sword strapped to his belt, but something about it stuck out to her. It took a moment for her to realize it was the wrong kind of sword. The hilt and pommel glinted gold in the sun, the blade straight. It was a Chinese officer sword.

"That shouldn't be there..." Rita didn't have time to contemplate it as a distant roar echoed off the mountains. She could hardly repress a smile.

"What was that?" the soldier asked.

The boring dialog droned on. Rita looked to the sky, catching glimpses through the trees and buildings of a foreboding shape nearing the town. She was so distracted she didn't notice her name being called. A soldier roughly shoved her forward, towards the chopping block, the stone already bloodied from the prisoner before her. She hesitated. Being this close to so much blood turned her stomach worse than her dinner had. A coppery-sweet scent wafted to her nose as she was shoved to her knees.

"Can't we just skip this part?" This was entirely too real for her. A pair of meaty hands pressed her head to the stone, soaking the side of her face in still-warm blood.

"Come on, Alduin..." Rita muttered under her breath as the headsman raised his axe.

Right on cue, a giant dragon landed on the top of the tower. Screams and shouts filled Rita's ears. Fire rained down, setting the town a blaze, scattering people in every direction. All this Rita had expected... what she didn't understand was why the wrong dragon had attacked Helgen. Alduin wasn't calling down meteor showers or unleashing an unrelenting force. Instead, a blight-heralding archdemon sat above them breathing down fire, resplendent with its corrupt leathery purple-black skin. It was the wrong dragon.

"What the fuck, Todd?!"

#fallout #fallout 4 #mixed media #fanfic #fan fic #dragon age #elder scrolls

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