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#it’s like if i went outside and started talking to myself
koolades-world · 21 hours
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Hi! Congrats on the 2k!
Can I request prompt 33. It’s your favourite, right? and 37. what're you doing out here at this hour? With beel. Maybe they just started dating, and they are trying to figure out the relationship resulting in a cute fluff moment 🫶🫶
thank you! was very fun to write :)
sorry it was kinda short! i just kind of write until i'm happy with the results and this one just happened to be a little shorter
enjoy <3
prompts 33 and 37 w/ Beel
Getting into a relationship is usually exciting for both parties. It can be the start of something new, or the revival of something old. Either way, attempting to navigate it could be tough. It was a commitment on both ends of the relationship, something you and Beel were both ready for. That didn’t make it less nerve wracking though.
Initally, when you got together, you tried to continue things how they were before, but you quickly discovered his brothers could and would shove themselves between the two of you when they could. That started the two of you spending much more time with just the two of you together. Occasionally, Belphie would be present since most of what he does is nap. This led to you joining him on his workouts and late night snack runs. It became something you greatly treasured. As much as you loved the brothers, you loved the alone time you got to spend with Beel.
The two of you knew each other decently well before you got together, but once you finally did, neither of you knew how to act. It’d probably take you a while to just be yourselves again, because you were just eager to present your best self for the other, but that didn’t meant the two of you didn’t have fun. At the stage in your relationship, you were finally warming up to each other and growing more comfortable with each other again, and as of lately, you’d spent your evenings together cuddling. It was beginning to grow late and dinner was finished, so you went to the sofa, where you usually met. You waited for a while, but he was nowhere to be found. You decided to go searchisng for him, since you’d grown to really enjoy your little routine.
After checking his usual spots, and asking around, you still couldn’t find him. So, before you decided to call him, you decided to take a quick step outside into the garden and front yard. You knew you might get scolded, but it wasn’t like you were wandering the streets searching for him. he wasn’t in the garden, but it seemed you’d made perfect timing and was able to catch him walking up the path to the front door.
“Beel! What’re you doing out here at this hour?” You held the door open for him, and after locking it behind you, you gave him a hug.
“I was craving something we didn’t have in the house.” He took your hand with his free one and led you over to the living room to show you all the things he got. Among several bags of chips and a couple drinks, you saw a couple things that didn’t match the rest. He set those aside from the rest of his things, and happily told you about what he’d gotten and why. Once he was finished talking, he handed you the out of place snacks and drink, and started eating.
“What is this for?” You tilted your head, turning over the snacks in your hand.
“It’s your favorite, right? I saw them and thought of you. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I got something for myself, and not you?” He smiled at you, and you felt as if you would melt at the gesture. You lent in and brushed some crumbs off face tenderly.
“Thank you. This is probably the most thoughtful thing someone has ever done for me.” You held his face in your hands for a moment, studying his features. Despite what others might say, everything about him was kind to you. He gave you a small smile at your words.
“Next time, we can go together.” Food was Beel’s love language, and you could see your time in the small convenience store around the corner become yet another beloved nightly ritual of yours.
“Sounds great.” He held up a chip to your face, silently offering you one. You accepted it, feeling the love transferred between the two of you with that. At first you’d viewed your time in the Devildom as something of a problem, but with Beel by your side, you never wanted your time together to end. You might be a human and he might be a demon, but he really cared, and that’s all that mattered to you
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suotea · 2 years
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I feel like u write so much! do u ever get tired of it??
hi nonnie! i don’t get tired of it anymore (:
but actually i left my haikyuu blog in 2021 because my interactions were so awful— like 99% of my asks were just “do this next” and i never received feedback for anything either so i was just like :/ man i don’t wanna write to the void anymore (so yea i got tired!)
but the vibe is a lot different on this blog! i get really excited to post now, & my following is so sweet— u guys reblog, comment, talk to me like a human, send me cute lil comments in my tag list, and u guys even care about my lil selfship omg 😭 it just makes me super excited to share works with u knowing i have a set of real, living readers if that makes sense?
and my mutuals!! i’ve ALWAYS always wanted mutuals on a writing blog. and i have them now!! i literally love every single one of them so so fucking much (i would smoosh their face with kisses every single day if they let me)
so basically, everyone is super sweet here so it makes me excited to write for you (:
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housecow · 23 days
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Girl please stop romanticizing obesity, it will literally kill you eventually (and I know it’s not the first time someone says it to you). Like are you even ok? Romanticizing being immobile & being humiliated on the street? Why would you even aspire to this? For some attention of questionable men on this app? Girl they don’t deserve you. This message comes from a place of concern, it is not intended as an insult. You said you want a career in the future, maybe focus on that, I’m not sure how possible it is do all that while being immobile or having whatever condition.
omfg 😭 i apologize for writing little stories to get myself off, i guess?? lmfao. i have a fetish. i state clearly in my bio that this is what to expect. sorry im horny posting anonymously on tumblr.com ???? stop being weird when u don’t even belong in these spaces
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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#1st ​my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner#so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively#nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way#but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop#i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together#nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done#then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth#when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?'#'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting'#i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room#but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive#so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner#she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to#but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything#she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of#idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone#and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao#i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden#nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd#like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library#i wnna show my mom what books i got#it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality#why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks#anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to
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rosicheeks · 2 months
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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Ok real talk, looking for advice from other DnD’ers... at what point do you just nuke your character?
Rant/more info in tags.
#the group I play in (not the group I run) aka my first venture into DnD#they told me to play as a bard.#no one told me how f*cking hard it is to try to manage a bard#let alone to be USEFUL as a bard in a mid level experienced campaign with power gamers and lots of dungeon crawls#after slogging my way through the first ten or so combat scenarios and realizing I am quite literally useless#I found fun again by just becoming chaos unhinged#I touch things I shouldn't#i drink things I shouldn't#I basically live by the motto 'eh we all die sometime' and just do things to spice up the game/make things interesting#but any time there's combat I position myself outside the fighting somehow#most recently everyone went inside to search a property and I stayed outside petting the ponies#because I know I can't be useful and would only be in the way/prolong things#but comments have started getting made that honestly make me want to not play at all#our last game I sent a PM to the DM asking if my character should mysteriously disappear or kill herself#because I could tell that everyone was annoyed with me and it just instantly stopped being fun#I spent the remaining two hours in silence with my mic muted crying and waiting for the game to be over#I talked to the DM and he said that there are lots of things I can do#I reminded him I have only successfully dealt damage once in the entire campaign and it was like 2 points#I told everyone I just want to stay out of combat so I'm not in the way#I believe I phrased it 'I'm going to go be useless somewhere else'#but everyone is mad when I don't fight#and frustrated when I do because it takes so long and I never accomplish anything#and I know we're nowhere near the end of the campaign#I like my character a lot... I just want to stay out of combat until I level up enough to be useful
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miodiodavinci · 1 year
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you ever end up typing a rant in the tags so long tumblr physically cuts you off and the post publishes with probably only 1/3rd of the tags
#had an interaction with The Leech™ and it left me feeling so frustrated and upset#tl;dr: i wanted to record today but she showed up and started talking so loudly my mic could pick her up through my bedroom door#and it hit me that it's fucked up that she's somehow just allowed to come and go as she pleases#(and is actively entertaining the thought of moving back in for a minimum of 2 months if she gets the surgery she's looking for)#(2 months to 2 years according to her words)#(despite the fact that she was literally evicted nearly a year ago)#(after 7+ years of sleeping on our couch and making our lives hell and generally dodging any attempt to get her to get a life and move out)#anyway after about 20 minutes of chatter i heard her go outside#find the plant i bought and planted myself this last week#(the first one i've ever had ! ! ! )#(every other plant i've ever cared for has either been my grandmother's or a gift from someone else)#(most notably the two peace lilies from my dad's memorial service)#and dump. an entire bucket of water on it. left over from soaking her orchids she insists on keeping here.#spoilers: it's a desert plant that requires low moisture and well-drained soil#so i went out and got on her about that and she insisted she was just trying to help#(like how she was '''just trying to help''' when she nearly drowned both of the aforementioned lilies)#(because she literally kept putting in water until there was noting but standing water without soil in the pot)#and for a half hour after kept coming in to bother me about the plant#asking where i bought it and if she could have clippings and asking if i had the right soil or the right tools#and reminding me of how i tried to grow pumpkin seeds when i was six and they died#and INSISTING she knew more about caring for it despite the fact that i literally researched this plant for a solid week before#and jsu t#another instance of The Leech™ trying to jam herself into my life so she can claim she's a provider and i'm helpless without her#but also turn around and complain about how it's sooo hard caring for us and how it's //impossible// for her to get a life#if she's busy caring for us#fuck off and die actually
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years
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...
#ahaha we r playing it fast and fucking loose out here in the middle of fucking nowhere#like for real. dangerous fucking day. why? bc being around ppl stresses me out so fucking much i cant function#we've done 16hrs of driving in the last 3 days and i have not eaten much bc i get so stressed in restaurants#and so many things either bother my braib or my stomach and nothing tastes good and i csnt advocate for myself and if someone else tries to#advocate for me i get freaked out and paranoid abt being watched#so yeah. low on food and im so neurotic that i cant pee in public restrooms. which is not good so i dont drink much which is double not#good. which is to say that i got up todsy at 6am in an undernourished condition and then did fucking like 8hrs of field work in#the fucking desert. real real bad move. do not fucking do that. my pee looks so bad. god if i dont have a panic attack or burst into tears#by the end of the week it'll b a miracle. im already going all weird. i have v little bandwidth to pretend to b human then i do field work#and it all goes out the window bc im focused and trying to get things done asap and if things arent efficient i start to freak out. so ppl#will try to joke or talk to me and i just stare at them for a beat too long bc my brain is lagging and its all awkward. just like dont talk#to me and let me get this over with. i basically did lunges for like 5hrs my legs r gonna hurt so bad and we have 4 more days. like it was#bad today. like the undergrad with us also thought so. i feel so bad 4 him but hes a good sport. i dont kno whats gonna happen the rest of#the week. i got back todsy and wandered around bc there r like 3 rooms in this field house and i csnt relax if someone else is in the room#i went outside and ate a jelly sandwich sitting on the ground like a weirdo. like im pretty sure im noticeably being weird bc i do try to b#slightly charismatic normally but rn im stripped to my base elements like. oh ur talking to me? ok u arent saying anything interesting so#im moving on. im not gonna speak unless i absolutely have to and im gonna find a corner to hide away in. pls do not contact#hopefully im so stressed ill skip my period bc i do not wanna deal with that on top of everything. and the fact that im wide fucking awake#at like 11.30 after the day ive had is not looking like a good sign on that front. its a sign if fucking crazy. im laying#here on this bunkbed in a too warm room. no pillow bc im a freak and i dont wanna sleep bc im not tried and i cant sleep around other ppl#ugh so many bad vibes. do not do what i did. pls. that was real dangerous.#god i think that was at least a 13 or 14hr day. fuck that. i don't even care abt this project and im worried that's showing#not to mention the bad thing i did like a month back when i was losing my mind has caught up to me. its fine. awkwardly annoying but fine#hhhh actions have consequences ☹️#tw food#unrelated
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apeshit · 2 years
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just had a super lucid dream but i was scared the whole time so it wasnt super fun
#canto vii#i got to fly this time and it helped me be less scared because i got to establish that i was the only flying person in that world#AND#in previous flying dreams ive had issues with starting up from nothing / still air and always flew rly slow#but this time i had hummingbird wings which was much better 👍 smart#if i was stuck inside and scared i would just fly up to the ceiling#i was in this movie theater by myself that was showing jerma stuff#and a guy walks in from the front and i follow him out and hold his hand becUse im scared as fuck of the dark giant PT-like 4 hallway buildi#ng we’re in once we step outside of the theater room#and he keeps telling me hell take me to the exit but he keeps announcing whats going to happen so ut takes my ability to lucid dream away bc#its always whatever he predicts and my willpower to prove him wrong was never enough for whenever we’d turn a corner or go in a room#until one time i tell him to stop talking and go ‘this is outside right??? it is!! lets go!’#and then it was#and then i left him and flew up high and tried to find a place to live on the island i was on#it felt like kikis delivery service#but also incould interact with a mini version of every house on the map like wooden hollow fake houses with fake people inside#but they were like 1.5 inch wide house figures#there were a lot of couples with a lottt of childreb#i dint think i ever went to a house#i started dreaming of being in my house with jett but i still had wings but i was scared#like i knew i was dreaming but was afraid of the dream becoming scary
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m1d-45 · 1 year
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hello, I'm sorry I haven't been sending as much asks. I too feel like I fried my brain a little on sunday and if I don't have like new things to comment/write ask about then I don't rlly ask?
idk I want to bring new things into the table so if I don't have any I tend to stay quiet.
midas my love/p your most recent post? chefs kiss. I'm in love by how well you portray each character, especially wanderer since he's one of my favs (lvl 90 and widthsith r5/hes my baby)(xiao and kazuha too, anemo men my beloved)
I'm interested in this Diluc fic you have upcoming, I might wait a bit when it's published until I feel like I can handle the angst. my school has been kicking my ass
teddy darling/p I would love cheesecake, I haven't rlly tried it before but I'm sure yours will be great. also how do you not get scared by analog horror I'm in shock, I have to agree that what midas wrote on alternate! Xiao and zhongli made my palms sweaty and heart race, you both truly have a way with words
I am going to continue studying for precalc rn, but I have some ideas for little writings/art that I might send in later. I'm considering making a blog but idk if I'm comfortable with it.
- 🍄 (why does this feel like I'm in another land sending a letter to my spouses, I hope you have a great day teddy and midas)
[gazing wistfully out the window] when will mushroom return from the war…
off the bat don’t feel obligated to send asks, we’re just guys being pals and it’s ok if you’re silent for a while
second thank you, from one wanderer enjoyer to another (mines at 80/80 bc i need anemo rocks :( ) i’m glad you found his voicelines enjoyable. he speaks very particularly so i was worried i’d get it wrong-
(can’t believe i forgot but anemo men my beloved as well, i’ve been meaning to do lines for xiao)
good luck with your precal, i’ve never done it but shit looks hard. hope you make it out alive /hj
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etherylelixyr · 1 month
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Fucccckkkkk (the feels man)
#idk leaving texts for X so they see them in the morning#and i wanna tell them everything#i wanna tell them that im sorry for basically becoming a ghost of myself for 2 years and ignorning them and only hanging out with V#on the outside everything looked perfect but it was so mutually toxic and destructive but we revelled in the self destruction and pain#and it was our secret. fueling our habits and shutting everyone else out#we were both so depressed but the high from it all was worth it... at the time#looking back i feel sad for that-era us#that-era me#i left all the people who truly wanted the best for me. who were my closest friends. who loved me more than i loved them...#now im back. officially. no more of this self destructive sad mess of a ghost creature.#but i cant change the past...#i still left X for so long without an explanation. and it looks like i chose someone else over them. i wish i could explain to them#that it's not like that.#i didnt have a choice... it all just sort of swallowed me...#i felt so lost and so dead.#but now im ok.#we were talking about Who Is most Likely To in the new friend group.. and one of the questions was Likely to Change their Personality#and X turned to me and went. well Elixyr has known me long enough to see that happen-#and yeah ive known them waaay longer than any of their current friends.#and yeah. theyve changed. and so have i.#but the change wasnt some edgy Change my Entire Personality thing. it was just... becoming less mentally ill... and sad...#and trying to be a better n happier person#but theyre still sad... and i wish they werent. i wish i was around before to make them happy... fuck i hate past me.#sometimes we talk and i realise just how much theu push all of it down. they tell me about how theu want to drink themselves to sleep a lot#and thats... worrying...#and i wish i were a better friend. i wish i knew how to comfort them better. they dont understand why i care so much about them#and i want to hug them and tell them that im so sorry. i feel so guilty that i might have added to their lack of self worth#and im a massive hypocrite. i tell them that theyre not responsible for other peoples feelings and to not think about it like that.#i wanna tell them that no matter how much they think theyve changed. theyre still the same person i loved since the start.#but they'd take that the wrong way... i wanna tell them that it's them. it'll always be them. and im sorry.
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elisamaza · 5 days
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Pizza delivery drivers of Reddit, what are some of the craziest reasons people have ended up on the “no delivery list”?
gameryamen
I worked for a pizza place that was near a very large software company. Deliveries to the neighborhoods or offices where all the tech workers lived was usually pretty awesome because they'd tip rather well. But there was one apartment that started to become a concern for us drivers. The man ordering was always polite, always paid, always tipped $4, and he would have been a perfect customer. He'd order breadsticks and a salad twice a week, and sometimes he'd include a bottle of root beer. Except when he opened his door, you could see an alarming amount of our breadsticks boxes stacked everywhere inside. Not like a few on the counter and a couple by the trash, stacks and stacks of them. Even worse, it was only our boxes in there. He wasn't just ordering from us often, we were the only place he was getting food outside of work. Now, I've worked in some of those tech offices myself, I know that there's enough decent food options just hanging out in the break rooms that this guy was probably not malnourished, but the way his living space was a shrine of greasy cardboard was a clear sign that this guy didn't have a healthy relationship with our food. Our manager was a really cool dude though, and he heard the drivers joking about the boxes and asked a couple of us "Is this like a messy guy or a guy who needs help?" We agreed it was probably the latter. So on his day off, the manager went to the guys apartment with an envelope that had gift cards for several other restaurants that delivered in that area and chatted with him. Manager found out that the guy was an immigrant on a Visa who was struggling to find American food he liked, and too socially awkward to ask anyone. So he talked with him through a few menus and helped him with some recommendations. Then he helped the guy load all the old boxes into his truck to take to the dump, in exchange for a promise not to order from us more than once a week. For a little while, the manager had a note on the calendar showing the last time the guy had ordered, and a couple times he had to hold his ground and refuse the guy's order. But after that chat, I never saw the stacks of boxes again, and the guy would boast about the different meals he'd had.
what the fuck dude, this is so sweet.
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jupitersflytrap · 8 months
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think i got roofied at the party i was at on friday 😃
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amethysthaunting · 9 months
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me when my dnd group probably thinks I'm unstable 🧍‍♂️
me when they're. right to think that 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️
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vitiateoriginator · 10 months
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Today has not been good :'3
#slept like shit#woke up at 5am from a nightmare of my datemate dying and then was stuck awake for an extra hour and a half after the fact from emotions#hit my head against my datemate's when I went to seek comfort (hurt myself in the process. luckily I took all the damage datemate was fine)#saw my dad's shitty fucking sister at the pizzarea right next door to where I live (we are no contact for very obvious reasons)#ran out of the pizzeria even tho my datemate and I had planned to eat there then proceeded to have a panic attack after going outside#my datemate and I then went to walk thru the neighborhood as quickly and as far from where we actually live as possible in case#she tried to follow us#while doing so my sis sent a condescending message telling me my datemate is an ass because he supposedly had an attitude with my mom before#we left. my sis just misinterpreted his tone. but my datemate saw the text and it pissed him off because my sis always does this shit#overracts or reads into what he says even when he doesn't mean any harm#so then he started talking about being done with it and wanting to leave. reminder I was still having a panic attack and in full flight mode#so hearing him talking about leaving made me spiral and I walked away from him and went really far in another direction while crying#and then we started fighting over telegram after I didn't answer his ph9ne call (it was an accident tho#I was trying to check my phone to se if he'd messaged me but as I pressed my power button he started calling n it turned my screen off#instead of on like I wanted)#we did make up tho its all good we went hoke together and cuddled it out#but while doing so I misplaced my glasses. I have absolutely no idea where in my apartment they are. I've checked everywhere#last place I saw them was on the bed. but we checked behind everything and under the bed. they are MIA#so yeah thats my day so far#sucks#Im exhausted#I might call out of work tomorrow but idk. I doubt I actually will#but after today I feel like I need a day off from my day off lol#sam's rants about life
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neverendingford · 10 months
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#why the fuck did I ever start tagging text posts#I made the choice somewhere that I reblogged solely visual art and then started reblogging other things and felt the need to categorize them#just in case someone was as weird about it as I was. but none of you are. at least not the I can tell.#I've been curating in hopes of finding someone similar to me. a stupid wish and a hopeless cause#I went to sleep at 1am and woke up at 4am and I want to get run over by a steamroller everything hurts and I hate it#why the fuck did I start tagging tag rambles either. deal with it#idk. I've been a lot more annoyed and straight up mad. I've been blocking old mutuals who try and talk to me too much#we aren't friends we aren't friends we aren't friends we aren't friends I am just some fucked up creature you watch at the zoo#if we were friends we would talk if we were friends I would know who you were if we were friends I would block you at 2am in a fit of anger#this isn't implying I'm friends with any mutuals on here. I'm friends with some followers but tumblr is not the place I make friends#tumblr is the place I watch people and wish I could put a metal spike through their head.#tumblr is the place where I watch people and wish I could put a metal spike through my own head#I get bored too quickly. I don't allow myself to get bored quickly enough. I am too angry but I don't allow myself to be angry enough#I had a million dreams but none of them were good. a million dreams and all of them cold and shivering#I slept on the floor last night because the bed is too painful. I almost slept outside on the property's stone wall#brick under my head and stars over my eyes.#I think I've talked about how sleeping fucking sucks when going to bed is just intense fear time.#hands under the covers. eyes over the railing. soft footsteps on the carpet. raged breaths through my nostrils.#I should clear out a space under my bed again for curling up and sleeping there when things get like this#remember kids. you're never too old to hide under your bed in fear from the brain monsters#I say that as if 25 is old. idk. for people like us it is old. anything past high school is old. anything past college is ancient.#and anything past thirty is just overstaying the welcome inside your own mind. get your plans together already.#idkkkkk. it's just moving stress is just moving stress is just moving stress it's just#I keep reminding myself but knowing why I feel this way doesn't stop me from feeling this way.#it just makes me frustrated that I can't fix it already. I made a phone call but they never called me back so I have to call AGAIN now#ughhhh everything is hard and I know I'm not a failure but growing up being taught that people like me are failures.... guess how that ended
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