#it's about suffering and not joy

[dontbelasagne]

desperately need to do a presentation on why the Twelfth Doctors journey perfectly represents the transfem experience

their previous eleventh incarnation being suave and hypersexual (i know moffat is mostly to blame but!) is reminiscent of attempts to fit into heteronormative ideals of masculinity. whilst it is not completely insincere, there are obvious signs this does not fit you as a person, it is acted out of desperate need to being seen. as Vastra put it, eleven wore that face, and subsequently that form of masculinity, to be accepted. on becoming twelve, realising even an "idealised" masculinity does not inherently serve them, they retreated into themselves as a person for self-reflection and trying to understand why they feel so detached from who they are.

the "am i a good man" arc mirrors being closeted and having to present as something not inherently tied to your sense of self, but still wanting to be the best of your perceived gender as any failure could leave you spiralling into self-doubt about simply being like any other "man". you ignore your gender dysphoria/questioning by trying to claim a moralistic view of gendered expression. made even more clear by Twelve rejecting Clara's heroic view of them, establishing that even though they have made efforts to be a "good man", that is just a placeholder for their loss of identity.

Missy appearing as she does, who as a character serves as a parallel to The Doctor on what they could become, and her eventual arc in trying to become good is symbolic of the fear around transition regret that internalised transphobia can create when you are closeted. Missy never gives importance to their fem existence other than nonchalant jokes, rather showing a more free and expressive personality devoid of any frustration. this immediately dismisses the transphobic assumption that trans people are only focused on their gender. also, Missy representing trans femininity is inherently tied to chaos and upsetting the status quo, she is the embodiment of what society considers accepting your womanhood as someone previously labelled masculine. what many others, and The Doctor themselves, saw as a need for attention and senseless disruption is Missy not needing to serve a false version of who they are, that they can now focus on becoming whoever they want to be now without losing energy to performing a gender that society has imposed on you. Missy could never have made the decision to stand with The Doctor if she had not given importance to her own queerness.

it wasn't coincidence with meeting Bill, she was the perfect foil for The Doctor to finally let go of their anxious attachment to masculinity. i would even argue for the majority of s10, The Doctor is largely ambiguous in their gender identity and does not fit into any construction of masculinity or femininity. whilst they still present as something socially labelled as masculine, they do not internalise that gender expression. they are uncaring about and not needing the validity that comes with heteronormativity, and thus is free to finally accept the decision they have to make. as Bill says, it is so hard to let go of The Doctor, and that rings true for twelve themselves. but they begin to realise The Doctor can be anyone. yes, they are tired, it would be so easy to simply rest and not give value to who you can become. but choosing to let go of everything you once were to survive is better than oblivion. it is better to let go, to choose another lifetime where the only person that dies is your falsity, to finally get it right and choose kindness. for yourself and for those who you love. they regenerate, not just into another person, but into someone who (if only tv scripts...) can now move forward.

#can you tell the only thoughts i have are of twelve? #this is why im kind of disappointed with the thirteenth doctors arc #like sure they're allowed dimensions as a character and to have dark moments #but there was a chance to show the nuances with relearning how to live and accept joy for yourself #as someone who has grieved and suffered loss and is detached #i know these themes arent just about transhood but dont you think they fit so beautifully? #this makes me want to bounce off the walls #doctor who #dw #twelfth doctor #peter capaldi #12th doctor #thirteenth doctor #jodie whittaker #13th doctor #long post

[ghostly-cabbage]

We need to talk about the worst thing about making AUs....

The fact that then when you inevitably think about crossovers you don't want the crossover with the canon you want it with your specific AU. Your brain worms, your circus, but THEN WHAT?

Oh, yeah, to understand this crossover you need to go read this entirely different fic/series? Girl help 😭 you can't do that

#high-key this post is about the genrex x dp crossover I started way back when and how I don't think i'll ever be able to go back to it #bc fae and I have literally put such a massive amount of work into f.h:s and fleshing out the world and how everything works and #the characters personalities and development that I genuinely do not wanna write something in the canon universe anymore #like f.h:s has become my default way of thinking about Rex in a creative capacity #we're here just to suffer but also experience untold amounts of joy you know #we're really lucky here in the phandom bc fanon is so prevalent that people are willing to get in on the ground floor with any #wacky crazy fun hcs you can dish out #and i love it here for that #but for the smaller fandoms its... you cant expect your readers to already have an understanding of your specific au and bible length hcs #anyway #in a low-key way this post is also about how #last month Fae and i went insane for several days about our gen rex AU version of Rex ina crossover with Murderbot and it was so fun but al #It was just for fun and for us YES but I keep thinking about and it's objectively hilarious to write something that is for a max of 4 ppl #When you really get to it tho it was actually for a max of 2 people and those two people are named Kei and Fae

[tubbytarchia]

Just saw this Jimmy skin for the first time from back when he could still experience joy and whimsy and uh yeah I can't blame anyone for having any parental instincts towards him (looks at myself and my moots and Doc)

#could not help myself. Bee onesie Jimmy.... He's so cute #my friend liveblogged their watch of this series and apparently even then people were making fun of him pretty relentlessly lol #smajor and others were so meaannn guh. Calling him the worst and killing him and talking about killing him. it stretches back far huh #but it was different at least... He was still a bit joyful... but in retrospect it hurts a lot lol. My poor son!!! #jimmy solidarity #tubby art #Being Jimmy is suffering... #one of these days he will pop off though. I trust him #also Martyn was there at least. Sigh Martyn and Jimmy... The joy and whimsy of the old days... #And some other guy we didnt know who very kindly got Jimmy's items back to him after he died once #this is what the Jimmy pipeline does. Him getting shown the slightest kindness is unfortunately noteworthy #Sorry from the LEGACY SMP! idk why I neglected to mention it for those who are wondering whoops

[thepoisonroom]

'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.

I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.

About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'

-Casey Plett, Consciousness

#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it #i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition #but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body #not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways #but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth #valuing and exploring and treasuring #i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible #but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body? #it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head #and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude #this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example #like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than #violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body #to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities #like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia #so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you #even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by #what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems #Casey Plett #she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her #this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger #i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial #she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies #that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era #it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it #i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience #said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip #personal nonsense

[electr1c4]

i sometimes remember that troy and abed didnt canonically kiss and im like ummmmmmm r u sure i've seen them do that I'm pretty sure

#my peegnis hurts #do you ever wonder if god is real #i mean #there must be something ouut there. surely. #im not saying there is some big meaning to life itself #but like honestly #why the fuck am i here #am i here to make my friends days #am i here to send a message to someone about something #if god is everloving #why would he make me suffer this way #why would he put me here #and expect me to do something for him #is this his plan? #is it his plan to make me suffer? #does my suffering bring him joy? #god. if you even recognise my voice. its me. #please. #just give me a sign #just tell me its all worth it #community #nbc community #abed nadir #trobed #troy barnes #community nbc #troy and abed #just give me a sign my suffering is worth it.

[arsenicflame]

i want to see izzy suffer SO badly, i want to see him hurt, put that man through hell

#nothing brings me greater joy in life than to torment my boy #(and then kiss his little head and wrap him in a blanket......) #s2 arc where my boy gets tortured <3 #literally there is nothing better than absolutely destroying him (and then gently nursing him back to health) #fndkdkkd sorry im thinking about him and im going to make it yalls problem <3 #sometimes... i want him to have a soft life only...... and sometimes i still want him to have softness in his life but it to be given after #he has suffered SO MUCH. break him down so he can accept love + kindness..... #nyxtalks #ofmd #izzy hands #israel hands #why yes i am IMMEDIATELY using my tone indicator banners to post dumb shit what did u expect from me <3

[aroaceleovaldez]

Every description about Nico (especially the canon ones) describing him as “cold” can personally fight me. Nico is jaded, yes, and often closed-off and sometimes stand-offish and defensive but he is not "cold”. He cares SO SO SO MUCH about EVERYONE. He loves and cares with his entire heart constantly and that is a core part of his character. He doesn’t often make public shows of his affection but he takes care to be kind when it matters and doesn’t hide that he does care (usually, the only exception really being him being in the closet, but even then he only hid his crush specifically and not the fact that Percy is important to him). He fine with hugging his friends in front of a crowd and will sit with strangers at a campfire just so they’re not alone. I mean, heck, he’s an extrovert! We know this! He actively seeks out people and gets lonely very quickly and easily! If he can’t talk to living people he will chat with the dead! That’s how much he thrives on being social!

The only time Nico has ever been actively “cold” was the couple of months between TTC and BoTL when he was actively mourning Bianca. Nico is not “cold.” He loves so much and he does show it, just in his own way.

#pjo #riordanverse #nico di angelo #analysis #brought to you by: I saw a blurb for TSATS that said something like ''Will melted through Nico's icy heart/cold exterior'' #and it made me want to tear something apart with my teeth because of how Blatantly Incorrect that is #like that is a disservice to both their characters. #a.) Will did not ''fix'' Nico or ''change'' him or anything. He is just a source of joy in Nico's life #TOA even explicitly acknowledges that them dating did not ''fix'' Nico and that Nico is actively getting outside help for his trauma/etc #and b.) Nico is not cold!!! He has never been a cold person!!! there's a reason ''emo'' is short for ''emotional!'' #Nico's character is ENTIRELY DRIVEN BY LOVE AND CARE FOR OTHER PEOPLE #yes he's jaded but he's only jaded in a way of being afraid of letting people into his life because he's afraid to lose them #not that it stops him because it sure does keep happening anyways because SURPRISE. HE LOVES TOO MUCH. #HE LITERALLY CANNOT HELP HIMSELF HE LOVES PEOPLE SO STRONGLY AND SO DEEPLY HE CANNOT STAY JADED ABOUT IT #he just keeps going ''Okay *THIS* time I won't let this person into my life to risk heartbreak- AW FUCK I'VE DONE IT AGAIN'' #SO MUCH of his character is entirely driven by ''I care about people. I dont want them to suffer what i have suffered or suffer at all'' #like really the only times we ever see Nico being actively angry/snappy at people #is like a.) He is either actively being majorly hurt or has just recently been majorly hurt (Bianca's death. Being outed. etc) #b.) Someone is hurting others is going to bring harm to others (Calling out his dad in TLO. Killing Bryce) #or c.) Someone is doubting or calling into question his lived experiences (Basically any scene where people say he's pushing people away) #other than that Nico actually tends to give people way more lenience than necessary. he will put up with a LOT #and he won't even call people out on it or hold a grudge about it (i see you alleged Nico's fatal flaw. you're wrong) #unless it's like. something A Lot Of People Do Often (ex: push him away/exclude him/etc) #at which point he might be like. mildly upset about it but not much more then that. which is just a normal measured response. #anyways Nico's not cold he's just autistic

[zaritarazi]

hanne (trying to recall a fun childhood story): did you tell them about the zipline

matthias: i did tell them about the zipline

jesper: he told us about the zipline

hanne: then why do you all look so upset

wylan: sorry, to clarify, are you referencing the zipline designed to kill children?

hanne and matthias at the same time, still not sure why people don't think that the zipline story is funny: yes

nina, walking back into the room after getting a glass of water: why does everyone suddenly look so concerned did matthias bring up his childhood summer camp's illegal fucking zipline again

#this is how i feel hanne and matthias are in any modern au #matthias is like remember when we got left after school for 3 hours and had to walk home and hanne is like haha yeah #and everyone is like i'm sorry fucking WHAT #and matthias is like yeah! we saw some rare birds on the walk home #hanne i think is more aware how deeply fucked this all is but is also like. well what can i do about it now #i'm not gonna call my parents that's for damn sure #kaz like also matthias and hanne stop telling fucked up stories about your childhood. they actually do make me laugh #but only because it's funny to imagine child matthias suffering #if only child me while suffering had known child matthias was suffering at the same time. that would've been my sole joy in life #matthias: that's... really beautiful #kaz: i will kill us both #soc headcanon #grishaverse headcanon #matthias helvar #hanne brum #something about the machine designed to kill children to me was like. matthias has done this and didn't realize he shouldn't have

[soft5ku11]

Me doing the death feedism people get off my blog and seek extensive therapy ritual:

#fr that shit is scary #why we glorifying fuckin DYING #enough #if you're one of the ppl who gets off to the people in my 600lb life being in the hospital beds then PLEASE go away i dont want you here #thats suffering mama we're about joy here #we're about body positivity here #we are about being happy #thank you this has been a PSA

[hermanunworthy]

guys i learned the secret to happiness. its becoming a swiftli shipper. i am healed

#ik i just posted dramacleats but im thinking about THE SILLIESSSS LINC AND TAYLOR MY BELOVEDS #this just in suffering oakworthy fan discovers the joy of the other teens ships #THEY ARE CANON. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. #swiftli #dndads #siren says

[nicolos]

when you have never wanted to be inside a story. when you have stood outside the window and understood it and understood it and understood it. and then you find yourself, unasked for, inside it.

#black sails #bs video #bs edit #john silver #mine. #minevid #had fun making this i know its choppy and i know it could include more things but i simply do not care #i enjoy the way it flows and i like the auditory similarity between 'can see it' and 'conceived it' #and what it could mean for him to have conceived those things about flint #and also how every time john is thrust into the heart of this narrative it is in tragedy and suffering #of course it feels like burning to step into a room warmed by fire #when u have always been out in the snow. that's the frostbite making itself known #i hate him i hate him i hate h #music is all my joy all my pain by fabrizio paterlini

[taetaenoway]

Assassination Academia

My Cover for Assassination Academia: A Very Extra BNHA x Assassination Classroom Series

Art and fic by me! (taetaenoway)

Art is rework the Shonen Jump Vol 23 cover. First time ever attempting non-traditional art. I think it went pretty well! 

To Become a Hero - Chapter 12: To Make a Gambit IS NOW RELEASED! FINALLY!! I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN *LE SOBS* 

Preview: Before this whole Civil War exercise even started, Hitoshi looked Karasuma in the eye and said, “This is going to go to shit.”

#im so sorry i abandoned yall for two years #i adopted a fur baby and got queerplatonically married wbu #i swear i didn't forget about this fic #first digital art pls be kind #not first fic feel free to hate #i return after so long only to cause more pain and suffering with an even bigger cliffhanger #this brings me no joy #thats a lie #all the joy #assassination classroom #bnha #bnha crossover #bnha art #assassination classroom art #fanfiction #shinsou hitoshi #midoriya izuku

[kess-in-the-perthchimzone]

Insider tip for your part 2 Bingo board (April 23 is coming fast!!) — whatever you might be reading in mean-spirited prediction posts, PerthChimon are all but confirmed for a part 2 show together.

They’ve hinted that this show will be action filled, and possibly involve the mafia or a bodyguard.

#GMMTV part 2 #perthchimon #I am so over people who find satisfaction in spreading hate in public spaces #and I’m not going to be quiet about it in the run up to the next show #so block me or block #kess gets knives emoji #I take immense joy in knowing these people #are going to have to suffer through PC in part 2 #and in gifs of the pilot on their dash #and then the buzz of their amazing next show

[eldhuug]

Lenny summers you will always be famous and if people dont mange to balance his blatant and defiant postivity and joy with his intellectual realism and academic interests I will start throwing rocks

#His seesawing need to ignore his struggles while being angry and upset #How he talks about himself and the world around him #He suffers and chooses to be full of joy #I love him

[drawotion]

This is Remu, our sweet pup who was put to sleep today, 8th of April 2024... The procedure went smoothly, he almost got to the age of full 11 years. This summer it would have been his 11th birthday.

In memory of him, let me tell you about how our little rascal was like. This is going to be a long post so buckle up. I'll put more pics in at the end.

He was a rescue dog, he came to me and my mom through my oldest big brother around year 2018. He was around 5 years old back then and he was born during summer, what I heard from my brother is that the pup was super skinny when he first got Remu.

Remu was an absolute lap dog, he loved being on our laps and in our holds. Loved sleeping next to us. ((He was like little heater! Very warm hahahh)) Sometimes when we would do stuff around the house he had to be with us on the thing!

For example if I was sitting on the floor and moving plants to new pots or I was cleaning my pet bugs little habitats, it was guaranteed he would be on my lap. And he would always be listening what we're doing.

Oh he was one stubborn and clever fella, there is a reason why I call him a rascal! Of course in the most loving way possible. He was like a big dog in small dog's body. His barks were LOUD.

He wasn't that trusting at first and god forbid if you touched his paws and tried to bath him, or even reached out to him in certain way! Face was off limits. So it was heartwarming how over time he came to trust me. So much so I could do almost anything with him, it got to the point where he let me even rub my finger between his eyes and wipe his cute little snoot if there was something.

Oh any visitor would still get bunch of barks and growls! Never biting tho, but he would let you know that hey, this is his turf! His home! Would even start barking even if he heard my younger old brother through phone. (He still got onto brother's lap and all, pfft) It was kind of silly to see how little mohawk would rise on his back.

Like a true summer dog, he loved basking under the warm & hot sun. I think his belly even got tanned because of this. (Oh Remu, you silly.)

And goodness did he love to run when able to during our walks.

Gosh, let me tell you, whenever he would greet another dog his ears got so high up it looked like he had bunny ears! Adorable.

And his adorable little hop running when inside... It's a shame I never got it on video, but it was silly fun and cute thing he did.

Oh he would do this thing though where he would whine and paw at bed/floor as if he wouldn't be able to get off our beds! (mattresses on the floor btw.) He was fully capable of getting off and all, he just decided to turn dramatic if we were observing him.

Another dramatic thing he did was flip over a bowl when asking for food. Even start rolling up the blanket on his own bed and oh, so vocal. He was a vocal pup.

He never seemed that interested in toys, only playing with them when we prompted him and played with him with them. Eventually his favorite type of play would turn out to be chasing hand under the blanket and and also digging at our blankets while I scratch his head.

Hahh, he sometimes would playfully try to get at our feet, mostly during feeding time. Such a silly pupper.

All in all, he was a lovable silly rascal and one heck of a cuddly dog.

I'll forever miss him, and I am happy he was in our lives, even if I was hesitant to take him in at first. I am so thankful I was able to be there with him and for him on his last moments, when I wasn't able to for our previous pet so many years ago.

Now... May you run a lot, buddy. Run lots and lots… To your heart's content. Get all the treats you so love, till your belly is full.

I love you, Remu.

#Remu #pet death #long post #in memory of pet #this is not all the pictures I have of him and I plan on putting up the couple videos I do have of him #but that is later #god I'm still crying here and there #been crying a lot today and I still am #it comes in waves #but at the same time I feel odd sense of calm #maybe it's because I had time to prepare for this #and that I was able to be there for him in the end #and the thought of knowing he isn't suffering and knowing I will always miss him #it... gives me comfort #I know I'll be okay #even while it wrenches my heart and mind now #I'll be okay... I'll look back on his memories with joy #and I'll happily tell about him and how he was like #I'll miss you buddy #now run! run my little bud #run as much as your little legs let you soar across everything #may we meet again some other time some other place #I love you #soak in those warm sunshines for me okay? #my sweet darling little Remu #goodbye for now you silly little rascal you #sleep

[cinna-bunnie]

thought more about it and Imma move away from The City actually 🚶🏾‍♀️rant below

it doesn't get another year's fair chance, i do not have to try so hard to find happiness and community.. if i move to my other ideal city i actually already have a community waiting for me (⁠✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚)

that at least sounds a lot more fun than what I've been up to here and i feel like i can figure it out from there. it is also so much cheaper out there 😶‍🌫️ rent prices are crazy.. i could get something around the same size w as many rooms for almost 40% less out there.

im not a city girl ૮ – ﻌ–ა im a big town/small city kinda person and have more fun w rural folk than i do city actually 😔👉🏾👈🏾 i feel like though i have learned a lot about myself and grown, I've always been v out of my element. i don't feel like i Live here yk.. i always feel like a visitor or like I'm just in between ideal circumstances waiting for something to change significantly lol. i have been here since 2016 (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠) it sucks here actually and is the only place I've been to that's this.. impersonal? disconnected, isolating etc.

🚶🏾‍♀️ anyways, this sounds like a fun new chapter for me. i wonder where the queer folk kick it at.. where r the art meetups.. i have ppl to do fun outdoorsy stuff with already.. aa im so excited (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠) ♡⁠ i was hesitant to leave but there's not really reason to stay.

i have friends here ig but like.. it's Different out here, ppl don't wanna connect w you or know u necessarily.. they just wanna hang out sometimes, to a perplexing degree.. even if you're close it's just more like ur comfortable really. where is the vulnerability, where is the trust, participation in each other's lives 🤌🏾 y'all wouldn't b shutting yourselves in during a depressive episode if u let ppl be there for u, i love you and it hurts to not be able to help the person u care about knowing that they are having a hard time.

i go hard for the people i care about but no one goes hard for me (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) i just think maybe i should go to where people are already waiting for me and would be excited to have me join them. i am going to have a home, i think

#🐇 #i have so many thoughts n feelings about this place.. and am having a lot of realizations in hindsight‚ especially compared to #other places I've lived. 3 other cities and all of them were what felt like the greatest yk? so like 🧍🏾‍♀️ what am i suffering for #what am i chasing? why do i have to try so hard to find joy in my time here when it would envelop me elsewhere? #having to move my stuff over is gonna be a hassle but I'll have help and it'll be a hassle anyways 🤷🏾‍♀️ #the payoff would be life changing‚ actually #i think it is worth it in every way