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mbti-sorted · 3 years

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#GetSorted Round-up

The #GetSorted Challenge is over, and I’m still kind of absorbing everything. Here’s some of what’s been going on from my perspective:

i) I had 19 participants, 14 women and 5 men. Only 3 were NJs, only 3 were TJs, and only 4 were introverts. I said before that I thought introverts would be unlikely to enter, and I guess I can stand by that. If my typings were right, no INFP, INFJ, ISTJ, ISFP. If wrong… missing an ENFJ, and got an INFJ? Other than that, there was nothing particularly noticeable, demographically, by mbti.

ii) Sometimes I get the feeling some of you still don’t have a great idea of how my ‘process’ works, such as it is. Hopefully this gives you a better idea. Bold is when I settled on a type. Red is for mistakes. Purple italics is for partial typing. (Typings subject to change upon future waffling, but probably only the less than 100% ones in this case).

I had 14 people typed in the first 5 seconds (73%), although one was wrong, and I had the remaining 5 narrowed down to either two or four types. By end of video I had 15 typed (84%), with four narrowed down to 2-3 types. After waffling post video and/or talking to my typing team of sisters I had 18 typed (94%), with one wrong. After time to reflect (and more consulting), I cleared up the two I’d gotten wrong, so now I’m pretty sure about 17 of the typings (89%). The two left are one of two types.

iii) What made me unsure about types? Not having good examples for comparison, primarily. There was only one first impression I had (complete or partial) that felt wrong by the end. Having a team with other experiences and examples mostly helped fill in the gaps. Also defending my typings makes me defensive and less objective, which I’m aware of, so I’m willing to give the two in question the benefit of the doubt.

iv) Were the questions effective? I generally type people with media training who give canned answers, so content is helpful, but secondary for me if things are going well. I had very few expectations for the content going in - I was mostly trying to give people something to talk about that was not specifically about mbti. Watching the questions be chosen and interpreted was the interesting part, more so than the actual content of the answers.

Intro questions: for context, what are you up to?

1. Teacher - a lot of people answered, which was good.

2. Subject - This one was good for context, but I would combine it with #10 and 16.

10. Job Passion - mostly ENs said yes!

16. Other paths - combine with #2

7. Language - This did what it was supposed to - establish a baseline for non-English speakers, which was great, because there were 7! Also interesting to hear about all the polyglots.

Personal:

5. Conflicts - If you were willing to answer this, how personal were you willing to get? Mostly EFs and then ETJs shared personal strife in remotely any detail.

8. Younger self - not specifically useful (tended to confirm whatever I was thinking already, but not divulge anything new), but a lot of people answered

Fun:

4.Supernatural - this was the most answered question (everyone but the ITPs), and I can say that so far there’s not much of a pattern to people’s beliefs.

6.Character - this turned out to be super useful! People identify with characters who share either 2 or 4 functions and/or 2+ (mostly 3+) letters.

Negative: had the idea that the questions I was asking were mostly positive and I should flip the ‘What’s your favourite-’ thing on it’s head.

(5. Conflicts)

11. Holidays - This turned out to be not very useful and kind of a downer. People who want to be negative are capable of doing so without prompting!

Random:

3. Sports injury - useless! Tumblr mbti people are apparently not into sports (go figure!), and all it did was make @enfjpuppettheatre want to hunt down a coach and give them a talking-to. If I actually wanted to look at this, I’d have to pair up with a physio.

14. Broke or $$ - nothing conclusive.

19. Unanswered ?s - not the most interesting, but sort of useful for context, again.

Aimed: trying to see if I could get some specific reactions.

9. Collect/gather people (E/I, ENTJ, ESFs) - I forgot that ENTJs collect people! I have a lot of ESFs in person I know who collect people and wouldn’t consider that that’s what they’re doing, which seems to pan out. (Although not every ESF does).

12. Heartbreak (ESFP) - I was thinking of my friend who reminds me of CuppaJasmineTea when I put this in, and she was the one most excited to answer, so that was cool!

13. Cars & tech (T-types) - A lot of these were personal or feelings oriented, so this one was just about the shiny objects. 4/8 T types answered it. Two ESTs and an ESFP picked out a car. The ESTP’s choice was for story reasons!

15. Collect Things (Si?) - interesting what people considered collections! I don’t think this worked as expected, but it was interesting.

17. Direction & time (Si vs Se) - Si tends to navigate by steps/landmarks/street signs. Se tends to orient themselves to a landmark/other that I don’t entirely understand. This is a fascinating question to me that I wish I could ask more about in follow up. I once spent about an hour quizzing @enfjpuppettheatre on which direction she thought things were.

18. Steeple (Se vs Si) - Se tended to have more 3d, or cinematic experiences, happening over time. Si tended to have more 2d, postcard image experiences. STPs were the anomaly, having story/symbolism/metaphor associations.

Exit questions

1. Prep - more context. Most of you put a lot more work into these than I was expecting!

2. Mbti type - the only people who said they were the type I thought they were gave me a couple of types to work from. My opinion of the mbti test continues to be low...

3. Description - tended to work as confirmation rather than anything revelatory.

v) Are there any patterns by type as far as content goes? There were not enough people entering to really make much of this. Some things were interesting, particularly the STPs leaning into story associations.

vi) Are there any patterns that were not content-oriented? The time limit gave some interesting results. Three quarters of the shortest videos were by TPs, but the remaining TP had the longest video. Also the number of questions answered fell into a pattern:

vii) Would I revise the challenge in any way?

-As far as content of questions, I would remove the sports injury, joyless holidays, broke or $$ questions, and combine subject/job into one question. Changing the order of questions might lead to different results since most people answered in order and a lot people didn’t have time for some of the ones at the end (I just posted them in the order I came up with them). I would maybe add some that aimed at functions other than Si-Se. I would also rewrite the direction question, the people gathering and the steeple questions for clarity.

-Ask about which hand and foot are dominant... I have a theory in progress.

-As far as format of responses, I think I was well-intentioned in replying to everyone as their videos came out, but I would be better off replying in a chart like the one at the top of this post. Partly it’s easier to keep objectivity and partly because it takes me a while to write out responses, and if there had been greater volume of videos, I might have been in trouble. The volume was pretty low, though, overall, so I think I’d make it a 2 or 3 week challenge... 2 weeks for video, one for responses?

-I would also ask to keep videos up for however long the challenge is open. As you can see, the waffling is an ongoing thing, and it helps to refer to the source material!

viii) Anything happen I wasn’t expecting? Some of the most interesting aspects turned out to be watching people deal with all the instructions (only 9 people out of 19 managed to follow them to the letter) and the time limit. Everyone was incredibly earnest about the project which was very sweet! I had a really great time watching them all. I think the general age and experience of the people typed was a little more varied than I expected, but it seemed to work ok, anyway.

Your questions:

Anonymous said to mbti-sorted: Will you open another video challenge!

Maybe as an annual or bi-annual thing. We’ll see.

Anonymous said to mbti-sorted: Have you been able to notice any differences in muscle tension in the #getsorted challenge? Was 10 minutes enough to type people using that method?

Yes, for 66%, it was instant recognition, so 9:55 too long! For the remaining 33%, it was ok.

Anonymous said to mbti-sorted: From the top of your head, which type has the most 100% tag?

Not really a #GetSorted question, but I started re-watching everyone in the tags and giving them about 10 seconds apiece, and if I could tell they were right immediately, they got tagged as 100%. Working through ENTP, ENFP and INFP still, but the other N types are done. ISTJ is also done.

(It’s gonna take me a while...)

Thanks to everyone who submitted videos! You’re amazing, and this couldn’t have happened without you!

#GetSorted #ask mbti sorted #not a typing post #typing process

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wollfling · 3 years

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Hi Allie! I wondered if I could ask you for some advice. I want to draw really badly and create art but I really don't have any skill! I know that in order to get better at art I have to actually do it, but I feel so overwhelmed by how I'm not where I want to be with it right away, and also with where to start with learning to draw. Do you ever feel that way when you draw? And if you do how have you gotten past it?

[I am literally so sorry this is so long oh my God. My mind has been very jumbled lately so I accidentally rambled too much, but I hope it still helps you in any way orz] Oh sweet little anon.. ;^; I do feel that way, a lot of the time if not all of the time! Just recently this week, I felt like I just couldn't draw despite picking up my pencil and scribbling, it just wasn't working partly for that exact reason! Overwhelmed by not being where I want to be with it! These things happen and its frustrating. It's hard for me to imagine as a beginner artist because I've been drawing since I can remember but I will still do my best to offer you some meaningful advice!

But first, to answer your very last question, getting past it can be a little random sometimes. This whole week after being unable to draw, I was laying in bed trying to sleep while reflecting on some heavy feelings ive been having and memories. Suddenly part of an image flashed in my mind and I got up to immediately try drawing it. (The drawing I recently posted and captioned "parade"!) I worked on it completely driven by my heart, and so it didn't matter at the time if it looked good or was anatomically correct, etc. Right now I am working on another heart-driven drawing, but if I tried to work on lets say a study or character drawing instead.. I dont think i could!

My point in all this is that, I think that its important to know/understand why you want to create art, and I think my advice would change slightly depending on your answer. For me personally, I am an emotional artist. I create art that (usually) reflects how I'm feeling or topics I am emotionally drawn to. Illustrations, drawing characters, writing comics, etc.. I think this week, while I'm definitely struggling with my skill level, I was so burdened by some things I've been feeling lately that I couldn't focus on or enjoy anything that I was trying to create, until I was able to release it all in a drawing. (And I'm still not done with them hence why I am now working on another related drawing, but im making SOMETHING and feeling passionate which cannot be said with any of my other attempts this week.) So since these drawings purpose outweigh my current issues regarding my skill, I am able to work on them. If that makes sense?

Okay im sorry with how long-winded this all is so far and all about myself orz but I wanted to give context on how I view art and I think if you asked someone who creates like. Hyperrealistic drawings their answers would be completely different. So! I wanted you to be able to judge if my advice would work for you if that makes any sense at all...!!! Moving on to my actual advice then..!

This is a little general ofc because I dont know what sort of art you are creating, or what your passion behind it is. And if after this you would like to tell me more about your art I would love to hear! 🥺💗 you are welcome to dm me or if you send another anon/ask i think that would be good too since.. well other artists who see can also give their own advice too!

Okay. So anyways lol, first I want to tell you that your desire to create art makes you an artist, despite your skill level. And therefore, everything and anything that you make even now has value. Even if right now you're drawing wonky shaded spheres and cubes! I understand its frustrating when wanting to make something but you feel like your skill isn't "there" and how that can prevent you from making anything to begin with!! But I really want you to try and work through it! Ignore it, disregard it, give your worries about your skill the silent treatment!! And I know its near impossible to do but if its getting in the way of you actually creating well.. thats the worst! We can't have that. If you really want to draw, then you really NEED to draw, you know what I mean? You deserve to draw! The hardest part for like 80% of artists is working around their skill level. I promise you will get there, but for now, you can't let it get in your way. And I realize me saying "oh you feel like you're not good at drawing and its hindering you from doing it? Just do it" sounds like Chad advice but ;---; unfortunately its the reality that comes with being an artist. If you tell me more about what you like to/why you want draw then maybe we can find some alternate lines of thinking that will help you (for example "this tiger i drew looks like shit but drawing all of her stripes was therapeutic and made it worth it!" If lets say you draw as a stim, opposed to "this tiger im drawing looks so bad I can't even look at it anymore " dhsjhd I really hope that this all makes sense lol.)

Moving on, learning how to draw.. this also depends on what you enjoy drawing but my main piece of advice here is study from real life. I grew up drawing cartoons and anime, and now that I want to draw a little more realistically.. its so hard!! If you study real shapes/people/animals/etc it might be easier later on when you understand fundamentals to bend them if you decide to create stylized or surreal art. However if right now you like to draw stylized art, I would recommend to keep working on your personal style while studying from real life on the side simultaneously! Any way you look at it, understanding how shapes, lighting, colour, etc work in the real world will help you out even with the most obscure pieces. And since art is a learned skill yknow you need to build those brain..pathways..and such. Im not a scientist but you get what i mean. Studies are the equivalent to lifting weights! I would recommend the website quickposes (com) they have a library of images that they throw at you at random. The site can explain itself better than I can lmao, check it out!!!

I really hope i was able to offer you something of value here, I didnt mean to ramble so much. I'm excited for you to grow as an artist, I love when I hear about others deciding to learn how to draw ;-; please feel welcome to ask for any clarification (as im having a hard time articulating my thoughts lately) or if you really just want to ask or say anything! ♡♡♡ again sorry if this was more than you bargained for length wise dhsishskshksj

#im wishing you the best anon!!! you can do it!!!#and im 100% serious please feel welcome !!#also if any other artists want to chip in I think it would be fun! ♡

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if-the-crown-fits-translate-it · 3 years

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Discord pt 90

[Date: 17/03, 02.33 PM GMT - 17/03, 03.53 PM GMT]

[This conversation was going on in #arg, partly simultaneously to another in #general. The second is referenced later and was posted separately before this one.]

[Direct continuation of pt 89]

[After Void pointed out the gdoc change, Fetch added another message:]

[Added was: “Please don’t tell them please don’t tell them please just pretend you never saw this just please.”]

Void: “nvm may be just my bad internet fucking things up ignore me”

Jack the Observer: “Oh. I see it.

Little sunflower seeds in green and yellow :)”

[Maxwell: “Where do you see that?”]

Jack the Observer: “Ask fetch, I think. He’s the one who edits the blog”

Jack the Observer: “But it’s there, if you look.”

Maxwell: “Fetch....”

fetch: “It isn't though?? I'm looking at the doc right now and there's nothing about sunflower seeds”

Jack the Observer: “I can send pictures, fetch.

If you would prefer?”

Maxwell: “i cant find anything”

fetch: “jack. after yesterday do you really wanna push me.”

Jack the Observer: “Yeah, i kind of do, actually

I could

I feel like it’s important and relevant information”

Void: “fetch knows best about what is there just ignore what i said,,,,”

fetch: “yeah. let's just ignore it.”

Maxwell: “but you all said...seeds”

donti (e): “... fetch please, this is serious.. it could endanger everyone here”

Jack the Observer: “Sunflower seeds :) leaves in yellow and green. You think if i won’t let Max hide it, I’ll let you, Fetch?”

fetch: “jack. drop it. right fucking now with that stupid fucking smile.”

Jack the Observer: “You are, in fact, just as important as Max is.

Unfortunately.

And it’s imperative that we keep all of you safe.”

Maxwell: “that...is one of the nicest things ive heard you say to us....”

fetch: “i know the doc better than anyone. i know what's there and whats not. if I say there's nothing there then there's nothing there.”

Jack the Observer: “You put it there, Fetch.”

fetch: “there's nothing there.”

Jack the Observer: “ Uh huh. /s”

jaynoblade: “he's right. there's nothing there. i just looked”

fetch: “im not ignoring anything there's nothing there.”

Jack the Observer: “Jay, what the fuck”

jaynoblade: “genuinely. i just looked. nothing”

donti (e): “hey hey hHEYyyyy chill”

Jack the Observer: “Is it gone — wait”

fetch: “check for yourself, jack”

[Context: Fetch deleted his edits about the seeds.]

Jack the Observer: “Oh, no i still have it”

fetch: “as i said. there's nothing there.”

Jack the Observer: “I still have it. And i have more pictures if you want to see them.”

donti (e): “... seeds?”

Maxwell: “thats just an image of a previous thing?”

fetch: “how do i know you aren't just editing shit”

[donti (e): “... seeds?”]

Jack the Observer: “I’m trying to have Fetch tell you first.”

kateza: “Hi good morning what’s going on?”

Mothbo: “Jack saw something no one else did”

[fetch: “how do i know you aren't just editing shit”]

Jack the Observer: “Fetch. You know I don’t lie.”

[Mothbo: “Jack saw something no one else did”]

Jack the Observer: “Haha :)”

fetch: “but you sure as hell spout a lot of bullshit.

now for the last time. There's nothing. there. Fucking drop it.

please.”

Jack the Observer: “And now instead of knight you sound like Max

Crazy”

Maxwell: “what?”

Jack the Observer: ““Oh no, i don’t want to tell them, please i just want to suffer by myself and not accept any help even though I clearly need it, no everyone else is busy, everyone else is stressed, they can’t know please don’t tell them”

That’s what you sound like

And that’s what Fetch sounds like too”

fetch: “you better watch your fuckin mouth, pal.”

Mothbo: “Jack, that's not going to help them all. I know you're hurt cos of Syd but don't take it out on them.”

Maxwell: “....”

[Mothbo: “Jack, that's not going to help them all. I know you're hurt cos of Syd but don't take it out on them.”]

Jack the Observer: “I’m not angry, I’m amused. And I’ll admit, slightly frustrated. What is up with these people and their self esteem issues.”

fetch: “what's up with you and your attachment to someone that doesn't exist anymore?”

Maxwell: “.....fuck off”

Jack the Observer: “If you don’t tell them within the hour ill see you in #img”

[fetch: “what's up with you and your attachment to someone that doesn't exist anymore?”]

Jack the Observer: “Oh, so you don’t exist when Knight is out? Shut the fuck up”

Maxwell: “i....”

Jack the Observer: “I’m glad you’re not all acting so goody goody and nice talking me anymore. This is refreshing.”

[People tell Jack and Fetch to stop arguing with each other. That just solved nothing and there’s no time to waste]

fetch: “i don't have the energy to fight anymore. there's nothing in the doc, whatever you have is edited bullshit, end of story.”

Jack the Observer: “Okay, we’re just going to ignore someone purposefully endangering their own health then. Sounds good to me /s”

[kateza: “I just woke up, I’m assuming something supposedly happened with the doc, I’m assuming the edit history was checked can we please stop fighting I don’t like this”]

Jack the Observer: “I can see something important. I’m being forced to keep imperative information to myself. You can see why I might take issue with this.”

fetch: “i thought you loved keeping information to yourself. that's what an observer does right. he just takes in information and does nothing with it. he doesn't get involved.”

Jack the Observer: “This is different.”

fetch: “of course it is.

just drop it.”

donti (e): “ah.”

Jack the Observer: “Yeah it fucking is different, Fetch. We fucking need you on this team. We’re meant to just ignore when you’re hurting? We’re meant to ignore when you’re endangering yourself?”

fetch: “i said. drop it.”

Jack the Observer: “Holy fucking shit not everything is about Syd”

Jack the Observer: “Maybe this is just about you”

fetch: “well maybe I don't want to be paid attention to. i'm not a fucking zoo exhibit. just leave me the fuck alone.”

Jack the Observer: “I don’t know how many times? I have to say this? But if I saw you as nothing more than a “zoo exhibit” i literally wouldn’t care about this at all”

Void: “fetch, people will learn one way or another. please at least take the chance to tell them yourself?”

Jack the Observer: “Clock is ticking”

fetch: “there's nothing to tell. im fucking fine.”

Jack the Observer: “There you go, sounding like Max again”

kateza: “wait, ok, so now fetch supposedly has the buds? Is that’s what’s going on? No one is catchinng me up everyone’s just arguing”

Jack the Observer: ““I’m fine I’m fine” you’re clearly not.”

[kateza: “wait, ok, so now fetch supposedly has the buds? Is that’s what’s going on? No one is catchinng me up everyone’s just arguing”]

Jack the Observer: “I can see something. Fetch isn’t letting me tell anyone.”

fetch: “well MAYBE I DONT WANT YOUR FUCKING HELP.”

donti (e): “HEEEEY HEY

jacks doing what he can”

fetch: “YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT? YOU CANT FUCKING HELP ME.”

Jack the Observer: “...”

fetch: “QUIT TRYING.”

Jack the Observer: “...”

Jack the Observer: “...

...

that was a bit too loud for me, actually. Ill be in #img in fifty minutes.”

Jack the Observer: “good luck.”

fetch: “fine. i need a nap anyway.”

Maxwell: “......”

[People talk about how important it is to share information, especially with how the situation currently is, and that they’d have to work together if they were ever going to resolve anything about this problem. They then note that if this in-fighting continues, more and more people might be dragged into Crown’s court. But then…]

jaynoblade: “okay, this is somewhat off topic, but.... do we even really know who crown is? because we thought he was ranboo in enderwalk, but then in that one ask he implied that he isn’t”

Maxwell: “hes something else then....”

Maxwell: “uh small problem”

donti (e): “prince read the backlog.”

[This refers to the conversation that had been simultaneously going on in #general2.]

A random Spark: “I know...which means Prince probably now knows the deal with the three court members and why they're gone”

kateza: “which means we'll be having another mind wipe probably :/”

LLyr: “D:”

Maxwell: “OH NO OH NO OH NO”

Maxwell: “i...”

donti (e): “if we had explained it fae would be wiped and then we'd be in trouble.”

Maxwell: “can we tell faem? fae already know....”

Maxwell: “he only brought up me and fetch....should we tell him about marcus?”

donti (e): “... maybe?”

A random Spark: “It's a good idea to.”

LLyr: “if the dam has already broken, i dont see a reason to keep it hidden. maybe ask marcus what he thinks about it?”

Maxwell: “i wanna say his name...”

donti (e): “you already namedropped him,

go for it

he might as well get the facts.”

kateza: “i don't like this

i don't like where this is going”

Maxwell: “jack what did you put in images”

Jack the Observer: “What i promised i would.”

donti (e): “fetches entry.”

Maxwell: “hes..oh god”

Maxwell: “i messed up i messed up i messed up--”

kateza: “no no no

you tried to help max. you did what you thought was right and even if it didn't have the outcome you want you tried to do what was right and that's good of you”

Maxwell: “i made it worse no no no no”

Jack the Observer: “You calm down too.

Panicking isn’t going to help prince.

It’s fine. Let faem remember.”

#on:discord #by:maxwell #by:fetch #if the crown fits

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lyndiscealin · 3 years

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Akio IV- Ending

Arthur sat down on the low coffee table in front of the couch.

“They called you Riko.”, he offered, clearly trying to stay calm and collected. Riko looked away when his brain produced an image of blood running down from a cut on his cheek. The urges were stronger since he had woken up and he had to call his therapist for new sessions before this got even worse. He didn’t want to hurt Arthur even if his brain suggested otherwise. He had dreamed about it a few days ago. Arthur strapped to a bed, screaming in agony while Riko had sliced him open. He had woken with a fucking boner and had never felt so dirty and bad in his life. Technically he knew he should feel worse about what he had done in his past, but hurting Arthur that way was a far more horrible thought.

“Yeah”, he answered, drowning the urge in the sadness he felt, not trying to think about the possibility of just holding Arthur in this apartment. Thankfully he wouldn’t even be able to do that. “I was called Riko until I was twenty.”

Arthur clearly waited for him to go on, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know how or where to begin.

“So… want to tell me why they did this to you? And why you wouldn’t tell the police?”

Did Arthur just want to hear it from him or did he really not know? Riko wasn’t sure, but it didn’t matter either way. He had to tell him. Minyard had left him to bury this last knife into himself. He knew that it wasn’t sheer luck that let him survive. If Minyard or Josten had wanted him dead, he would be.

“I’m sorry, Arthur. I… I’m sorry I can’t feel sorry for keeping this from you. I was selfish, but I don’t regret it. I’m just… I’m just sorry for wasting your time.”

“What are you talking about?”

Riko wasn’t able to look at him, so he looked at the ceiling instead and word for word hammered nail after nail into his own coffin:

“I was born into a mafia family. Only first sons were allowed to the main family branch so I was cast out and adopted by my uncle. With him I led an Exy cult. Maybe you heard of Riko Moriyama and the Nest and Evermore. That was me… my brother faked my death and kicked me out of the family entirely. I did… I did horrible things to people… to children. Josten scars on his face aren’t from me, but a lot of others on his body are.”

He swallowed but didn’t stop, because he wouldn’t be able to say anything again if he did. Maybe these were the last words he would ever speak. It certainly were the last he would speak to Arthur.

“I… tortured… them. Josten wasn’t my only victim, not even the worst one. On some days it’s still hard to feel bad about what I’ve done. On some days it’s just like watching a movie and let myself be amused by all the gore that is shown. On some days it is still just… entertaining. I… I am a monster. I would undo all of what I did if I could, but I can’t and I can’t even undo how I feel about it completely.”

Arthur didn’t say anything to any of it, so Riko dug his grave deeper and deeper still.

“On some days I want to hurt you”, he whispered. “See you bleed. Hear you scream. Obviously I am able to control it now, but it is still there. The urge is still there. I’m just a monster waiting for an excuse to wake again. So… yeah. I didn’t tell the police because I deserved what they did. I honestly thought they would kill me, but I think being in pain for the rest of my life is even better. I… I tried being happy with you, but I only have been selfish again. All this… work you had with me. Especially these past weeks. I should have told you sooner. I… shouldn’t have let you near me in the first place. I should have stayed alone. I’m sorry for taking two years from you. I really am. I thought it would be okay to be happy, but of course it isn’t. I’m sorry Arthur. I really am.”

For a very very long eternity it was eerily quiet. Riko’s words were gone and it felt like they would never come back to him. He wouldn’t need them anymore after this. The thought of a therapist suddenly felt childish. He didn’t need one. When the urge would get stronger again, he just had to let it out on himself until he one day would cut too deep.

“I have to go do some grocery shopping.” Arthur’s voice was very quiet. Was he afraid? He should be. He should be afraid of him, of the monster he was. Everyone should.

Riko just nodded and a few moments later, the apartment fell silent again. He would live in this silence now. It was exactly like the time after the nest. He could still remember the days when he suddenly had been alone and nothing.

He knew how to do this. He knew how to wash clothes and how to take care of himself. He didn’t know how to cook, but he could learn. He had been able to learn Exy to a perfection, it would be laughable if he couldn’t learn how to chop things and how to cook them so they would become a meal at the end.

But he didn’t know why to do any of it anymore. There was no practice he had to do good at, no team meetings with his team or the professional teams he was playing for. No training for court, no teammates who would fall upon him like vultures as soon as he showed some kind of weakness. There was no father or brother to impress, no one who gave a shit about him. Not that there ever had been anyone. Kevin and Jean, his brain provided unhelpfully and he nearly laughed about that nonsense. Kevin’s interest in him didn’t go farther then his worth as an Exy player and Jean… Jean… Jean wasn’t even worth thinking about. He had been a toy, nothing more. You didn’t cry if a toy didn’t love you back, what a stupid sentiment.

He didn’t leave his apartment for a long time. It felt wrong, going out alone. So he never learned anything, because he didn’t have things to shop. He just ordered food.

When he lay awake at night, he watched the wall opposite of his bed. The wall where Kevin’s bed should have been, but it was empty now. Just space that wasn’t used and never would be. If he just hadn’t thrown that fit. If he just hadn’t broken Kevin’s hand. Everything would be fine now. Wesninski would have died somewhere on the road like he had been supposed to and he and Kevin would have played court. Everything would be perfect now. If only these assholes hadn’t thought to pitch Kevin against him. To find out who was better. Idiots. Incompetent fuckers. they made him realise that Kevin had been better, that Kevin held back. Kevin Kevin Kevin, he couldn’t hear anything else. Everything had been about him. No wonder his father hadn’t been interested in him - the second best. Second all his life. Second son, second best at Exy… disposable. A failure. Not even a honourable name had been given to him. Even his gender had been only the second best. If he had turned out to be a girl, he could have stayed in the main family. Second in everything. He hadn’t been able to take it anymore.

A month in his new apartment and he smashed it to pieces. He started with his dishes and cutlery then sliced his upholstery open, ripped his cushions and pillows apart.

It had been his neighbours who called the police because of the noise. When they found him the apartment was a mess of broken dishes, dirty ripped up clothes and he had several cuts on his hands from god knew where. He hadn’t washed himself for nearly two weeks and in his blind rage he had attacked the officers. He spent the night in a hospital and was then transferred to a psychiatric clinic. From there on it was years of medication and therapy and slowly… very slowly he learned what he had done and it got worse and worse before it got better even slower. A lot of therapists had given up on him, but at some point he had searched for new ones himself.

At some point he had wanted to get a better person. He clawed his way out of everything at some point, was off medication for a few years now and had finished therapy shortly before he had met Arthur.

He didn’t really think that his boyfriend would really come back, but when the sun began to set he heard his front door click open again. It had been hours and he half expected to see Minyard or Josten again or maybe even Jean. Jean… seeing him as an actual human being had taken ages, partly because he subconsciously had known what that would entail. He hadn’t lied when he had told Arthur that on very bad days he still felt amusement about what he had done to others, but on his better days… on his better days he wasn’t even able to think about what he had done to Jean.

He turned his head in the direction of his front door, but Arthur first went to the kitchen. He really had gone grocery shopping…

It took a few minutes but then he settled down on the coffee table again. This was it then. The final conversation.

“I needed a bit of time to think”, he said like he had to apologise. What an absurd thought. Arthur apologizing for being shocked that his boyfriend was a monster. Riko nodded.

“You told me you were twenty when you stopped. So you were a child still when it started.”

“That’s not an excuse”, Riko said instantly. Because it wasn’t. That was important. It wasn’t an excuse for anything. It didn’t make a difference for his victims. His therapists had tried and failed to explain that the reason why he did things and an excuse were two different things, and that he couldn’t be made responsible for everything he did because of his mental state. It sounded a lot like an excuse to him that way.

“No, but simultaneously it kind of is, don’t you think?”

Riko huffed and looked up at the ceiling again: “Try to tell Josten that. I’m sure he will be understanding.”

“That’s not what I mean, stupid. Of course it doesn’t undo what you did. But you were a kid and no one told you that what you did was wrong. You thought it was okay and normal and… that is something you are not responsible for.”

What was that even supposed to mean? “Most kids know what’s right and wrong.” He didn’t want to talk anymore. He wanted Arthur to be gone already, this was torturous.

“Most kids live in our society and not in some mafia parallel world.”

Riko didn’t say anything, just stared up at the ceiling. He wanted this to be over. His chest hurt and he felt as empty as when he had realised that he was nothing and noone anymore. That he had lost everything. It had been shitty, but at least it had been his life.

“You signed for a professional team at a pretty young age. You played for two teams simultaneously and had school and later university. That had to be stressful.”

Riko shrugged. Yeah, it had been. So? A lot of people had a stressful life.

“I bet your uncle beat you, when you wouldn’t bring the results he wanted.”

“Sometimes.”, he mumbled. Bad grades hadn’t been an option or if he was tired during practice.

“Always in front of cameras or in this horrible building underground with other Exy obsessed people.”

Riko shrugged again but noted that Arthur probably had googled him.

“Have you ever been to therapy?”

Hadn’t he mentioned that? Was it important? “I had a nervous breakdown four weeks after my faked death. They put me in a mental facility for a while.”

“What was your diagnosis?”

Riko sighed heavily. He was so tired. So endlessly tired. He tried to remember the exact words of his multiple diagnosis until someone was able to pin it down. The ultimate verdict had been: “Antisocial probably sociopathic personality disorder, narcissism and sadism. The latter are part of an ASDP but they liked to point that out specifically. I was part of a few scientific papers as a success story. I probably could find them for you, if you are interested.”

Maybe it was just curiosity on Arthurs part. Whatever.

“So you know that these are mental illnesses?”

Riko shrugged again. Not an excuse, still.

“So when someone’s legs were broken at a young age and no one helped them fix the legs and they grew together all wrong, you would blame them for not being able to run?”

“That’s not the same!” Riko sat up quickly and then fell back into the pillow again with a pained groan.

“It’s not, but it is similar enough. I don’t say what you did was okay in any way, but in all fairness, you hadn’t had a lot of possibilities to turn out any kind of normal. I am not one of your victims, so I can’t forgive your actions, but I think you are allowed a chance in life. I love you, you know that. And I don’t think I would if you still were the monster from fifteen years ago. You never hurt me. Yes, you temper tantrums are there, but you just yell and throw things around. You don’t even throw things at someone. I’m kind of glad to know where they come from, now and I am a bit impressed that you even came this far. That you are able to feel empathy. I can understand that your therapists called you a success story.”

Riko didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what. Maybe he fell unconscious and was dreaming? Why had Arthur still had so many good things to say about him?

“Akio… you aren’t just horrible or something. I know you care about others. You helped me through some tough shit with my family and me and our friends like to hang out with you. You are on a good way and I think it wouldn’t be fair to leave you because of what you did as a kid, especially with all that background of your upbringing.”

Riko… Akio? … looked at Arthur and didn’t know what to feel. Was this real?

“You won’t leave me?”, he asked, his voice hoarse with disbelief. “How can you? I… don’t understand.”

“I will need a bit of time to process everything properly but… but I can’t leave you, Akio. I want to ever meet Riko, really, but I love you like you are now. As Akio. Just… please if you still fantasize about hurting people you should maybe start therapy again. Not only because of that, I really am worried about you at the moment. I think the injuries and everything have triggered things for you. So just… I will stay, but… contact a therapist?”

Akio swallowed and nodded. “Yes, anything.”, he promised. He would do anything, if he just could keep Arthur.

Cautiously he extended his hand and smiled weakly when Arthur took it.

#Akio #riko moriyama #oc:arthur #there was a version of this were arthur confessed to be a hardcore masochist but i thought this to be the better ending #i will post this on ao3 as soon as this is beta read #hope you enjoyed this small experiment

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theskyexists · 4 years

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ive bought harrow the ninth and am now attempting to reread act 1 so that i may understand it better

ianthe clearly proposes that Harrow not get herself killed trying to bring Gideon back - reading it over again. instead to take the future and somehow?? be really powerful together and forget about their cavaliers. but harrow says no

im once again struck with how offhand this book introduces the concept that the empire goes out to deliberately kill planets over a couple of generations

now im not sure....there also seems to be an implication that there’s no aliens - because they say only humanity has a soul - but client planets were said to rebel - i guess the human colonisers rebel against central solar system command sometimes? but then what enemy does the Cohort fight? possibly it’s just bigotry that they think aliens dont have a soul

but like - they find LIVING PLANETS and then - kill them slowly. to the extent that they need to move the entire population. WHAT? why do they do that??? just so they can do some bone tricks???!

what the fuk

so how did the planets get murdered again? and which solar system planets could really have been said to have had enough life to have a soul?? cos like, only one of them is really known for that

why did God give Harrow the choice to go back home TWICE if he was never going to let her?

once again, why mess with the Hand candidates if God was always gonna come for Cytherea? just to mess with him more?

yeah - harrow keeps hearing and saying ortus ninegad but the rest of the world remembers gideon.

Harrow truly is totally mentally shattered AND time is totally fucked up

but sometimes in the fake-ish timeline Harrow remembers but doesn’t remember Gideon - like how she notes that there were two womb-bearing members of the Ninth who were the right age...but only elaborates on herself

for some reason - Harrowhark remembers Ianthe’s arm ripped from her by Cytherea - but now it’s whole. for some reason

that letter is still so what the fuck

‘like you did the last time’ - hm harrowhark sewed Ianthe’s lips shut? how did she come by the power?

is ianthe - calling Harrowhark God?

throughout the first act, they keep referring to time, having too much time, or not mastering time, or not having enough time, ‘this time’ etc.

the eggs you gave me all died - that’s DIRECTED at Harrow, is my theory

ok but the planet revenants come after Lyctors and also God (- God became God when? at the Resurrection) before the Lyctors happened - God was still at Canaan House - despite the Revenants already coming right...

is Teacher criticising god and lyctors for leaving Canaan House lol?

ok so yeah Canaan House WAS part of a ‘last sacrifice’

ok so - Harrowhark is a little resurrection miracle. This implies that God killed a lot to resurrect the Houses.

wow God is being a very dad to Harrow

Blood of Eden - BOE - they turned their back on the solar system. now they hate necromancy. in other words - when the solar system died, God resurrected it - but before that point some humans had fled - lived. and they can see what absolute fuckin horror necromancy is ACTUALLY

so what im getting is...maybe...god resurrected humanity by killing the planets...?

i just realised that Ianthe has taken Gideon’s place as the smartass in the room - the counterweight to Harrow’s portentousness

what the fuck do augustine’s comments to Mercy mean???? why is she unloveable? why would he say that God doesn’t need her? and why is it obscene that Augstine calls God John? What is the dangerous game she’s playing? What was the foul implication??

‘Then that is your downfall’ OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Harrow BURN!!!

what i don’t get is - the Cohort is an army - when they land they die because they’re being killed by an enemy at the front - NOT in pure sacrifice for thanergy. so why does only the death of humans and planets produce thanergy. why is the death of the enemy not good enough? they don’t have fuckin souls?? they MUST be complex life. and doesn’t a planet produce a constant stream of thanergy? but i guess it’s not dying enough - generally its life maintains itself in ecosystems.....unless a fuckin lyctor ‘makes the juice flow’ i guess!

sometime in the next book there IS gonna be a ‘are we the baddies’ meme. muir loves memes and she stuck skulls on absolutely EVERYTHIGN. Like WHY THE FUCK would you colonise planets if you gotta kill them for it? LOL????

huh? augustine just said that they can’t use necromancy when in the river - but mercy mocked harrow for having hypothermia ? implying her fundamental failure was not being able to necro while in the river? Harrow’s inability was what was wrong partly right?? oh no ok it’s how Harrow tried to compensate for her body going lights out while in the river. alright. that was written confusingly

how and why is this a completely different story???

The Sleeper.......is Harrowhark? the suit is too close to what she was wearing killing the asteroid. and the sleeper is lying on ‘something’. oh they just straight up say it lololol

ortus got into trouble 19 years ago...hhmmmmm wasn’t Gideon 19??? huh? which is why Mercy started at Harrow’s peculiar YELLOW eyes that Harrow can’t see herself i think

‘i do things face to face’ ortus says after stabbing harrow. HUH? why go for a stab if decapitating would have done the job? just to give her a small chance to fight back? (face to face?)

why not tell God that ‘his’ attack dog is trying to kill you?

why does Ortus the First want me dead? ‘who?’ ---uh. has she forgotten him completely (time shit) or is she saying the wrong name? mercy wouldnt reply like that then right?

she told him and he’s like - oh well guess you gotta just get through repeated almost-successful attacks on your life. ???? THANKS GOD!!!

‘you, with your unfortunate memory for poetry’ HA! i love how we are reminded that she knew all the fuckin damn books nearly by heart which is insane!

Teacher suggests his dying at least three times a day?? hahaha what?.........................is this purely a meme reference. is that meme the mental image im supposed to have of Teacher??????????? is this trying to say that this meme was preserved in the amalgamation of human life that is Teacher?? oh my god....

no.....palamedus and camilla....did old Harrow really kill them.....

seems like all the murders were consensual maybe?

it’s probably too straightforward that Harrow created and alternate timeline and made for a Harrow Lyctor without Gideon dying and kicked her to the original? maybe she took Ianthe and Coronabeth with her bc she needed Ianthe’s help

is this Cytherea or Dulcinea? Pro seems real this time. why does Dulcie call Pal and Cam strands and cords?

did muir put in a fuckin secondary school S - muir’s just like - im gonna put in all the memes as a nod to ancient human culture

still no idea what the messages are that Harrow is getting

This Harrow is so goddamn sick. I mean she was sick before, but at least she had Gideon. Really do feel that that helped her. now she didn’t have that -- AND she’s getting slapped with trauma another five times

if ortus can undo the thanergy of her own bone then why not simply crumble HARROW into dust? cos there’s a core of thanergy fusion in her that he can’t undo?

FLKJDFKLJSDLFSD fucking IANTHE ‘Wow! Not how I imagined this happening, at all.’ FUCKIN HELL

Harrow with her fucking fucked up dramatic inner monologues about weakness and Ianthe comes in with this shit. she really is doing Gideon proud here.

Did love Harrow’s musings about how only a truly idiotically obedient Cavalier would be the only one to keep to a vow of silence. HAH! nice one muir

‘have you taken the time to rest lately?’ asks God, YOUR FUCKING SAINT IS TRYING TO KILL HER IN THE FUCKING BATH YOU IDIOT AHAHAHAHA

JEZUS FUCKING CHRIST - try and be normal Harrow! try and make some soup and read a book! Harrow: *does and then hyperventilates hidden under her bed after 86 hours of zero sleep*

she was trying to remember what cutlery did. why is this so goddamn funny hahahaa. this book has ONLY been Harrow being in extreme states of misery ALL THE TIME both mentally and physically to the point of death

GOD IS HAPPY THAT SHE MADE SOUP AND DOESNT EVEN FUCKIN NOTICE SHE’S NOT SLEPT FOR A WEEK SOMEHOW THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS SHIT

thats what you fucking GET you piece of shit god! you push a prodigy teen to the brink and she fuckin explodes your lyctor and feeds you her fuckin marrow. maybe you shouldn’t have ignored her goddamn fucking understandable distress

SHE FUCKIN HITS HIM WITH THE FUCKIN TRUTH what an IDIOT of a God. he truly doesn’t understand mortality anymore huh

I LOVE HOW MERCYMORN CONTINUES TO MAKE HARROW YOUNGER IN HER HEAD AHAHAHAHAHAHA she’s only nine years old!!!hahahaha

naturally God focuses on how - wait- actually harrow is truly an INSANE necromancer - INSANE

still no idea what the fuck is going on in the not-past

aww. ianthe’s scent soothes harrow now. begrudgingly of course.

i thought this was gonna be lovely angsty harrow/gideon but naturally that did not happen

harrow is comfortable! first time in the whole book! one moment of comfort!!!

‘love my twin, also murder’ tridentarius pffjlfjdljf

‘how i crave your honeyed words’ hah

wow this scene sure is weirdly sexual with these similes lol ‘as though she had shyly undressed for you’ ok there Harrow you about to chop her arm off calm it probably sex repulsed thirsty teen

i do love how....there is this theme again that’s everybody underestimating the main character - who is actually a prodigy. Gideon had that with the sword and Harrow also has it with being a Lyctor now

it’s so telling that these Saints would rather be shits to these babies than help Ianthe grow a new fuckin arm

i dont see why Ianthe can’t work off this bone construct which is her own stuff and put some flesh on it since SHES A FLESH NECRO?

Ianthe that’s super gay

wow muir really never delivers on full gay does she??? i dont mind but i think it’s so striking hahaa

how are Harrow and Ianthe still hung up on the Saint of Duty? i mean, if they dont have him against the RB they’re dead anyway

why is the First going through rain and ice?

Harrow haunted? naawwww

i cant help but like mercymorn though - she cares. it’s soured ages ago but she cares.

awww Harrow needs Ianthe to sleep

Ianthe constantly poking Harrow for her prudishness is so goddamn funny.

‘It’s the type of energy i wish to take into my future’ AHAHAHAHAHAAH IANTHE MY GOD

‘i always forget you were an honest to go nun ... and six years old to boot if you listen to mercymorn’ HAHAHAHAHAHA

‘you look good enough that im proud of my handiwork but not so good that i’ll be consumed with lust and ravish you over the nut bowl’ fpdfjsdfkjsd this is what harrow means with crude japery and yet....

mercymorn has started to call harrow three years old. i will NEVER tire of this gag

all of the blood of eden stuff happened in the past 25 years??? god was on the erebos, but he also remembers ortus kicking the commander out of an airlock? that was in the last 25 years??

Ianthe‘s carressing the nape of Harrow’s neck. hmmhm

its honestly super weird if you think about it for more than 10 seconds that theyre talking about their cavaliers whom they murdered (im still not sure if all consensually) ten thousand years ago (!) and how hot they were that just seems.....fucked up

Harrow is like WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! basically all the time but especially now. yep well that was to be expected i guess lololol

Harrow being painfully frozenly fascinated by (god having) sex and deeply repulsed is very Harrow

oh nooooo well that was a perfect kiss between them really

the funny thing about Harrow is that though she is so completely fucked up - just like Gideon - she is fundamentally a helper.

why wouldn’t Harrow have thought of blood wards! she knew he could only bleed thanergy! it;s the first thing i thought - just use not bone wards then!

ortus thinks anastasia is in Harrow - which makes me think - why does he think that’s possible?

mercymorn now calls Harrow a two-year-old. i am waiting for embryonic genius

so did they use the river to get to the planets theyre killing?

Harrow feels the peace and pleasure of a stroll through nature that she has come to kill

oh my god - Harrow somehow saved Cam and Pal is still attached to the mortal plane!!

Harrow helps Cam risking herself entirely just like that. yknow as she does

i wonder if Pal has realised that Harrow is not who he remembers

i think he realised once he realised haz mat suit was Harrow also...

ianthe xo’d harrow.....lol

im sad that original harrow is definitely dead.... :( loved her. guess gideon’s not coming back either. not sure how the second adept survived. she didn’t survive in the original timeline either. but she was ‘killed’ in the other - just like coronabeth..so that means soemthing

this whole ‘flashback’ stuff to Canaan House is Harrow being in the River the whole time. the cold temperatures, the blood, the creatures theyre fishing from the sea that apparently abominations

after all, we’ve just learned about river bubbles and a haz!harrow that can change their parameters.

all the people ‘dead’ she’d not spoken to much or at all beforehand. like they’re NOT real, in the River. the only one not like that is Dyas...

the fact that the narrative keeps calling Dulcie, Dulcie means she’s really Dulcie.

there’s giant organs falling from the ceiling. this is definitely the river

they talk about time AGAIN

the Body is the devil who let herself be used to complete the work of Teacher and the Lyctors in his mythology....hmm. and when they realised the price (AFTER? the work was done?) they wanted her dead but he buried her....SHE allowed them to become Lyctors?? I still don’t understand why the heck that was necessary

the king is dead, long live the king. hmmmm

Harrow comes onto a hallucination of the devil who was her first crush with the voice of her parental figures and the eyes of a love interest she can no longer remember - which is actually not precisely a hallucination probably - and gets summarily rejected lol OUCH (the Body didn’t mean it that way ofc)

Harrow is so repressed on every single front but definitely sexually

I love Mercy

so there is death beyond death. does everybody go into the river and become a mad horrid ghost? like - is that everybody’s fate? how awful

ok so God DID resurrect the planets also. ? but like. then why are there resurrection beasts?

what does resurrection mean? and who killed the planets in the first place?

BECOMING NONE HOUSE, LEFT GRIEF

oh.....my god.

ARE YOU AND IANTHE BEING SAFE!!?!?!?! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

HIS BODYGUARD IS THE DEVIL??

so the destruction of Earth somehow made God? as though it was something that simply followed from it

A.L. was destroyed in the first assault? Of an RB

so the RB’s were happily running off in the other direction until they decided to fuck around and kill their mates to become immortal and powerful - then the RB’s turned around and came towards them - which meant leaving the planets God had resurrected forever.

what the fuck god??? hahahahaa

God always seems so likeable goddamn.

Harrow is such a dramatic bitch. Affection??? JUST KILL ME!!! KILL ME!! LET ME SMASH THE GLASS SO I CAN KNEEL IN IT AND BLEED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!!

Harrow goes into her fun kid's game of not dying to traps.

But she instantly calls him father. OH MY GOD

HE DOESNT BELIEVE HER!!!

'then that will be your downfall' - is what Harrow said to Augustine AND IT WILL BECOME TRUE FOR THEM ALL

to be dismissed like that where it hurts most - to have God Dad dismiss her only slip of comfort her only pillar of truth in this crazy old world

'nobody had watched you leave'

SOMEBODY HAD - I love all the deliberate references to Gideon

Temporal lobe!!!! Again the temporal lobe!!!

So why was it again that Harrow refused to be locked in with the Emperor?

So isn't God gonna check out Harrow's temporal lobe? He's just gonna let that mystery go to its death?

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKK

Muir what the fuck??!!!!!!!!

Oh it was.....a hallucination?

Always love how this dips into genuine horror sometimes

What's weird is that Lyctors seem made for the task of going into the river and killing Resurrection Beasts - instead of the other way around.

So say - that the sword somehow holds Gideon's soul (we've just learned that that's possible from Pal and also Ortus trying to get Pent to summon his grandma by his sword) - does it not make sense that Harrow 'for some reason' stabbing Cytherea's corpse with it transferred it to her? Or maybe it's SOMEHOW Anastasia if Ortus was macking on her. But Ortus thought HARROW had/was Anastasia.

IANTHE WANTS TO MARRY HARROW - HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Every fucking chapter doesn't make things any clearer. This is worse than Gideon the ninth

Hello???? Am I reading a canon alternate universe roleswap au??? What the FUCK is going on. This is like - if they hadn't gassed the 200 and her parents instead adopted Gideon for her clear necromantic gifts which nobody noticed somehow the other time round

I do love how Aiglamene was the sole source of slight comfort in Gideon's life. And Crux was Harrow's - apparently in any sequence of events.

Harrow is tumbling through timelines. But how can you do that just by messing with the lobe?

WHAT!! WHAT!!!

Is this...is this what I think it is??? Is thi

The fanfic roots are STRONG in this one. In fact I believe I've READ this fanfiction

Harrow's temporal fever dream (in the river?) HAD HER (Decidedly Not) VYING FOR 'HER DIVINE HIGHNESS' hand, which is either the Body or Gideon or both lololol. Seeing as the previous had Gideon as the main unnamed titled character - I bet it's Gideon ahahaaga

A fucking. COFFEESHOP AU. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD

We've had roleswap, 'ball' au, and coffee shop au populated by the ghosts of the dead LOLOL,

I knew it!! I knew that they were ghosts and that they were in the river!!

Ok so but when did Harrow shoddily create the bubble? When she adjusted her memories at the start? When is this. Ah Harrow has the same thought hahaa

So the stage is a - she was building her memories while sleeping?

Why is that she cannot access her lyctorhood like this...

I just realised that Harrow's mind made the party food taste like SALT based on Ianthe's cooking!!!! Hahahaha

THE NARRATOR IS GIDEON. But it doesn't sound like Gideon though

There's more to the work than simply preserving Gideon's soul though. There are next steps that Harrow prepared for that Harrow doesn't know about yet

Who was the sleeper and why was it in Harrows riverscape of memories that she ACCIDENTALLY??? made

Ok she sounds like Gideon NOW

Gideon no it's not because she didn't want you! It's because she wanted you to live!!!!!

And she succeeded....your soul is INTACT in her body!!!! You're protecting her with full consciousness!! How the fuck. And why didn't that happen before when she went to the bubble?

Are the ghosts of the contestants happy that they got pulled out of the River briefly? Or were they so briefly in there they couldn't remember?

She returned them to the RIVER???? is that really such a kind fate????

Something has gone wrong in the River - yeah because why r all these ghosts going insane and stoppering it up like slib

Do love how Muir has found a way to give these characters more screentime

I actually said 'oof' when Harrow screamed at Ortus - oof that really is embarrassing. GodDAMN Ortus you stepping up with the emotional support!

I've EVEN read the damn fanfic in which they switched bodies. My god.

A. L. apparently is thought to wander about still. I think she's the body....I do believe she's the body. That's why the Lyctors are scared of her

She thought - what. Mercy is talking about blood of Eden's commander. What is going onnnnn still!!!! Mercy is the traitor I guess. But how is blood of Eden connected to the ninth house and the body?

Why is Mercy awake on the mithraeum and not in the River anyways?

Gideon.... And the commander were in cahoots? So did A. L. and Anastasia an the body and the commander all have the same eyes?????

What the fuck is going on indeed.

Cytherea seems to have had a plan B for getting revenge on the Emperor. Or something had a plan B with her corpse as the main weapon.

If guns are so effective against people why aren't they still used.

The messages are from the commander. I.e. Gideon's mother. I.e. Anastasia? We never explicitly did learn how she met her end no? Gideon was convinced that Anastasia had taken the baby. It just seems incongruous how the Emperor spent like 80 years on the Erebos and the Lyctors were faffing about - meanwhile there was this drama going on in the last half century?

I love Abigail Pent. Love that I got to see more of her.

I'd honestly forgot that Judith was alive by the end of all of that shit

The sleeper is -the sleeper is Gideon's mother. Also. She's haunted by her mother. SOMEHOW. what the fuck? They couldn't drag her spirit back from the river they said!

'you wizards never learn' there's a whole modern regular sci fi world and culture out there! Or maybe it's just a. L.

Is it? Or is it Anastasia? Or is it the commander? Or are they the same thing?

The sleeper wants Harrow's body. Somehow invaded it - probably from the river? - which means its Anastasia or the commander. Which means that whatevers possessing Cytherea is someone else.

In retrospect - Harrow's coldness to Ianthe talking about - to what her - seemed nonsense at the time - in the very first part - doesn't quite fit.

Oh my fucking GOD Gideon is fighting Ianthe for messing around with her fucking girlfriend - who is HARROW, who actually, Ianthe wants to marry.

They just went from ramping up to a serious fight to Gideon dropping Corona's name and suddenly they're like - ah we got more important priorities actually.

Augustine's first thought at thinking a.l./the body (?) is in Harrow is John - and the Second is Joy!(mercy?)

'How I was gonna have to take showers with all your clothes on.' fuckin Gideon hahahaha

Wonder if Ianthe truly believes what she's saying - that Harrow was trying to rid hersel of Gideon. It's preposterous. It's just hurtful talk.

GIDEON REALLY THOUGHT THAT LOOK TO MEAN THAT HARROW DIDNT LOVE HER??? THIS IS A CONSTANT BARRAGE OF ALL THE ANGSTY DRAMATIC SHIT IVE BEEN YEARNING FOR

Oh my fucking god Gideon calling Ianthe out for being in love with Harrow in the most iconic way ufsojdjdodnd 'she wants the D - the D stands for dead'

Crazy brain-mutilated Harrow sure made it seem that way I can tell ya that!!

Hahahahahaha Ianthe remembering Harrows prudish Ortus/Cytherea shit. Amazing

Aw Gideon really went and fell right into the cavalier/bone mistress shit huh. And trying to shield Harrow - well as noted before - very necessary because harrow has been having a godawful miserable time - mostly because of herself.

Gideon appreciating Ianthe's pun xD

Love how neither of them position themselves as the love of Harrows life but instead as inexorably attached to her by the sheer role they play in her life - they don't dare aspire to what they think they can't get.

Muir realises this is gonna end up as a Gideon/Harrow(/theBody)/Ianthe ship right?

Oh WOW THIS IS AMAZING. nonius the legendary nonius!!! Come to protect Harrow!!!

For some reason the Sleeper can manipulate the rules of this River bubble and doesn't seem surprised about it

If all her cavaliers were this excited for death, she was definitely the problem.lololol. somehow Harrow, you inspired undying loyalty in even a person that you treated abominably

Yeah Harrow you slowpoke. If the Sleeper can adjust the rules - so can you

If the sleeper was not Harrow's invention - but planted itself - then they're very lucky it got to the ghosts that weren't actually there - first.

So it was the commander....a portrait in a shuttle of blood of eden - can only be the commander. And redhaired? There are too many red haired people in this book!!

It's nice how all these ghosts got to have lasting impact from beyond the grave

NONIUS KNEW ORTUS/GIDEON?

Ok so ....there's the bed of the River with stoma. But there might also be the other side.

Did Harrow really not account for steps beyond her plan to mutilate her brain?

Is this book really gonna go: fuck you Gideon will die anyway ?????

But.wait. the sleeper had a two-hander. Where did that go???

I don't get it. If they go into the river - won't they also go insane?

SO NYAH!!!!!???

Ok but - what? The Commander ALSO -somehow - took over Cytherea's body?

'did the ten billion give you that too' I KNEW CANAAN HOUSE HELD EVEN GRUESOMER EXPERIMENTS AND SACRIFICES THAN LYCTORHOOD. God is made of ten billion souls. I think they killed humanity on earth to spare it 'slow inexorable apocalypse' and used the power to make the Empire from the resurrected. There was an extremely vague implication by Teacher to the amount of souls violated in Canaan house in the first book.

So God knows the commander went for the ninth house? Firstly, how. I don't understand how Anastasia fits in here!!! It would explain though how the commander

So the commander found the ninth house - and she died right? They tried to call her spirit but couldn't. But she became a revenant?

Ah. God THREW the bomb.

A fuckin wake me up inside joke jskdjskdnd

So Mercy and Augustine ( not Gideon ?) had all turned against God? And they were working with the commander to -... Make a baby????? And then evacuate the houses???? (For when God dies - there being a risk that Dominicus would go out I guess)

Make a baby/body to lever the one who lies in the tomb into....?

Love how the book foreshadowed Mercy and Augustine manipulating and lying to God - and turns out they did that on much bigger scale

They....meant to kill the baby to break the blood ward?

'The woman who I was pretty sure was my mother, wearing the body of the woman I'd had a crush on, who in turn had been wearing the identity of a woman she'd murdered -' KSNFKDJDKFJJFC

So why did they want this consistently characterised as kindly and humane god dead?

GIDEON THOUGHT IT WAS HIS!!!! But he called Wake Anastasia then????

They really are the same???

Oh my god I know what they're gonna say. Gideon is the daughter of God. WHICH HARROWS FUCKIN ROYALTY AU FEVER RIVER DREAM FUCKING FORESHADOWED HAAHAHAHAHHAA

Isn't it fucking ironic that God told Harrow that - HE WANTED HER TO BE HIS??? WHILE GIDEON HIS ACTUAL DAUGHTER WAS SPINNING INSIDE HER CHEST LIKE A LITTLE NUCLEAR FUSION REACTOR

They've been trying to kill him for more than 500 years???? Did mercymorn actually genuinely learn the extremely fine knowledge of the body for THIS purpose? How many thousands of years ago did they decide to kill god?

A fucking DAD JOKE

GIDEON REMEMBERING HOW SHE USED TO TELL HARROW HOW HER OTHER PARENT MIGHT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD SO STOP PICKING ON HER

I am fucking DELIGHTED I AM SO GODDAMN OVERJOYED

It segues into a reminder of how shit their childhoods were and how their suffering had them lash out at each other endlessly and how it made Harrow suicidal and shit though - which is great

ALECTO'S EYES. THE A. FOR A. L.

A. L. The cavalier of God....but she walked. She had a body.

Ohhhhh. That's why they betrayed him. That age-old hurt. Ten thousand years old but still the bane of their existence, the seed of their madnesses. The loss of their cavaliers. Oh how did they manage to keep that from him?

I honestly thought - is Mercy saying she knows he killed humanity? But that's not what she couldn't have forgiven?

But why did he hide it? Why did he hide the perfect way? ('it would be easier' why???)

Ah. Yes. The expansion, why would the Emperor do that?

Uhhhhh. Couldn't Mercy have done that all along??????????????????????? Couldn't Mercy have killed God all along? That was both a trick and utterly sincere.

Augustine and Mercy were trying to do the right thing..... Mercy.... :'( Augustine was right. God is much less sentimental than he seems.

'im not even mad that you failed to either fix or put down Harrow' hm guess the constant kill quest HAD come from God after all. What a goddamn bitch of a man

What was the original plan? Unleash a. L. ? And then what? How would that help with the whole Dominicus going out problem?

Had God ever really thought to make up for all the bullshit he put his Lyctors through. He seems so affable and human but he's caused so much suffering. He's as good at manipulation at them - better!

The resurrection beast can't kill him, but he let his Lyctors die to them one by one anyway. So why??

Why are they punching each other in the River? They can use theorems right? God could blast Augustine to pieces same he did mercy?

Yes! It's true! Pyrrha and Gideon both exist in the same body - foreshadowed by his cavaliers build. There was something so fishy about it.

I love how Gideon has exactly the same response as me: what the fuck. Pyrrha??? Gideon??? What the fuck??? Why did they BOTH have an affair with their enemy??? So ok. Pyrrha stayed underground from Everybody for the thousand years. SOMEHOW their compartmentalisation let her pop up in his body regularly and not just when Gideon remembered her - because the hadn't fucked up his brain. But then how did THEY do that.

This absolutely galactic balsiness

The stoma thinks John is a resurrection beast. Might it be.....because he's..... A revenant. A 10 billion souled kinda- revenant ? A bit like.....Harrow is? Which is why he felt kin to her? Which is why he compared her creation to Resurrection?????I've really gotta reread those messages from commander wake.

A fucking jail for mother meme. Jail for one thousand years. Gideon how do you know this one????

I KNEW Ianthe would do that. Knew it. She doesn't want the system to die. Coronabeth is still out there. Well guess what - she's on the opposite side babe. Ok I realised that Gideon's mum apparently stuck to Gideon and then the sword? But also did Harrow manage to break the blood ward because of of her proximity to Gideon? Did Harrow uhhhh get put into a pocket in the river? But the emperor wasn't murdered!!! Fuckin chapters kept lying. They're on a hold planet. Finally - we meet the people. Alecto and Camilla and Corona? And Judith.? Did Alecto somehow do a time twisty around to come save Gideon at that moment in the river? Once again nothing much more is clear.

#my stuff #harrow the ninth #gtn #ninth

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tisthenightofthewitch · 5 years

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GHOST'S TOBIAS FORGE ON FILM PLANS, COPIA'S FUTURE, "DARKER, HEAVIER" NEXT ALBUM

Bandleader also talks Metallica, Mercyful Fate, why a Ghost biopic would be "like premature ejaculation"

The Gospel of Cardinal Copia began barely a year ago, his birth as the new frontman of Ghost neither virginal nor particularly miraculous. But there he stands, a religious man of style and mystery: left eye icy blue and blazing, dressed in fine liturgical threads, leading a band of Nameless Ghouls in silver masks through songs of plague and vermin, love and death.

In the eleven months since the beatific release of Ghost's epic fourth album, Prequelle, much has happened in the world of this wildly theatrical metal act from Sweden. The first of these events was the reveal of Tobias Forge as the living, breathing mastermind behind the masks and papal vestments. Though he's never explicitly stated as such, it's widely understood that it's been Forge all along behind the mic, disguised in corpse paint and/or latex masks, first as a series of consecutive demonic popes called Papa Emeritus (Nos. I-III), before reemerging in 2018 as the grimly debonair Cardi Copia.

Prequelle was a medieval concept album that became a hit, spreading the word of Ghost to a growing congregation, in the U.S. reaching No. 3 on the Billboard album chart, and the Top 10 across most of Europe. An American tour filled theaters and last year delivered Ghost to select arenas in Los Angeles, New York and Montreal. It was all a preamble to Ghost's upcoming Ultimate Tour Named Death, a true arena tour of North America, where the band will deliver a fully realized, theatrical rock show of stained glass and fireballs this fall, beginning Sept. 13th in Bakersfield. (Ghost is also openingfor Metallica this summer on a "WorldWired" European stadium tour.)

"For some reason and luckily for me, I have never really crumbled in front of challenges — maybe going to the dentist," Forge tells Revolver. "I've always got a kick out of doing challenging things. More than anything, it just forces me to go further."

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As a lifelong devotee of Queen and Kiss, Forge is a true believer in the power of rock's epic sweep. Taking Ghost to its fullest potential as operatic spectacle is the ultimate fantasy-come-true for Forge, who birthed the band with few expectations a decade ago with a trio of satanic metal tracks.

"There were definitely moments where I had to walk into the arena in the morning and pinch myself a little bit: All these trucks are ours? All this is just for us?" Forge says of his experiences at the handful of headline arena shows Ghost performed last year in America. "I've always wanted to do this since I was a child. I've envisioned it so many times that I don't know really where the dream ended and it sort of went into reality."

Out of costume and out of character, Forge is a friendly and contemplative figure, a seemingly humble rocker and family man behind Ghost's larger than life image. And there is much still to be done as he heads into this final leg of Ghost's Prequelle cycle. To accompany the tour, he's just completed a new series of online video "webisodes" that dive deeper into the mystery of Copia through Gothic intrigue and comedy.

"There are a few episodes coming in the future that might bring some clarity as to who this fucker is," Forge says of Copia, without offering details. "My hope is that he gets to become Papa Emeritus IV. That is the goal. It just takes time and it takes effort. And that is what he's proving now."

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The videos are an essential part of the band's mythology, and now Forge is close to realizing his ambition to create the first feature-length Ghost movie. If all goes well, the film will be shot before the end of the year.

"If it wasn't for the fact that I ended up finally being a musician, the one thing I really, really want to do in my life is cinema," Forge says. "Any chance I can have to do that, I'm definitely grabbing it."

There had been discussions about this over the years. As an especially visual band, with its own cavalcade of insane characters, the potential was obvious, but things often got stuck on the form a movie might take. "Most films about bands are biographical, and I see no reason to tell our story yet," says Forge, who still considers Ghost to be in its early years. "It's a little bit like premature ejaculation. You have to have a career first and then you can tell the real story, so that was never an option. And when you yank away that, what do you have? Well, that would be a fictional story."

He's confident that the story of the film has now been figured out, and would partly take place around a live concert. Figuring out the location, budget, etc. will make all the difference.

"The cog wheels are turning on that one," he says. "We're just trying to figure out a lot of the practicalities. Making a film is a big endeavor. Another problem that I have had over the course of my career is that I don't have a shit-ton of time. I am also a father of two kids and I'm married. I try to not to break my back. I've been so close so many times to overworking and I said yes to everything just because I was so keen on not losing momentum. I've learned over the years that it's really important not to do everything at once."

Beyond the film and the final leg of this tour, Forge is contemplating what comes next when he returns to the studio in 2020 to begin work on a new Ghost album. He's leaning toward a harder, riffier sound this time. He'll start in January and finish that summer.

"I want to make a different record from Prequelle. I want it to feel different," says Forge, being careful with his words to avoid misleading fans. "If I dare to say heavier, people think that it's going to be Mercyful Fate all the way ... but I definitely have a darker, heavier record in mind."

Prequelle, he says now, was "a little ballad heavy." The next one will lean more in the imposing direction of 2015's Meliora without repeating the same ideas. He's worked to make each album different, starting with 2010's gloomy, metallic debut, Opus Eponymous.

While the sound and message of Ghost remains rooted in the initial ideas he first had when he wrote the riff to "Stand by Him" as a mostly unknown metal player in Sweden, years before first trying on the pope attire. He's also made a point of evolving as a lyricist.

"I have always pushed myself to write the songs that we don't have instead of going back — it maybe would've been a smart move to just try to replicate Opus," he explains. "I can regurgitate. I grew up with metal. It's in my DNA, so I can formulate death-metal lyrics easily. But I try not to repeat myself on that.

"I like to make the Metallica comparison — where Kill 'Em All is a little bit more crude, on Ride the Lightning they started writing about more real things. It had more depth," he adds. "I'm not going change everything and just talk about politics, but I believe that if you have people's attention, you have responsibility to weigh with your words a little. Sometimes that is hard. I find that harder than the musical challenges."

Even so, the unexpected opportunity to take his vision of Ghost to ever larger scope across multiple albums and now onstage at arena-scale is a challenge he welcomes.

"I try to remind myself every day that it's pretty mind-blowing that we got to this spot. You need to try to appreciate 100 percent and do the best every day and nurture," Forge says, then adds with a laugh, "At the risk of sounding a little religious, this is a gift that you've been given."

All rights owned by Revolver Magazine

#The Band Ghost #Ghost Band #Cardinal Copia #Tobias Forge

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sshbpodcast · 4 years

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An Elegant Weapon

by Chris

[Spoilers for “The Rise of Skywalker” follow, along with all the movies before it]

All images (c) Disney. All existence (c) Disney, eventually.

The lightsaber is an iconic item from a franchise that has been positively burying pop culture under iconic images, sounds, and music for over forty years now. Except that, when you really think about it, we almost never get a good look at them. Oh, sure, we’ve seen plenty of lightsaber fights with wildly varying styles across trilogies, but at the end of the day we mostly think of the glowing energy blades; think of a lightsaber and you’re likely to just picture a fairly featureless metal tube. Mostly because that’s almost exactly what the original saber - and the one we get the most close-ups of thanks to Episodes IV, VII, and VIII - was a somewhat-modified camera flash bulb mount.

With some tweaking, that simple bit of equipment would become Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber, which would be passed on by Obi-Wan Kenobi (along with some DIRTY LIES) to his son Luke, before SOMEHOW finding its way into the hands of Maz Kanata. She would, in turn, try to hand the weapon over to Rey but settle for Finn as a temporary custodian before the former finally accepted her role in the Joseph Campbell cycle.

On the left above we have Anakin’s weapon from Episode II. Working backwards from what was seen onscreen in 1977, the filmmaker’s created something quite similar, but a little more bespoke and also integrating bits later seen in Vader’s saber. As that one is destroyed in the same movie, he has what will become THE lightsaber in Episode III, seen on the right.

Speaking of Vader, in what can only be described as a “happy coincidence” since Lucas didn’t know DV would actually BE Anakin until writing Episode V, his hilt is in a VERY similar vein to Anakin’s. Now you may think, well, that’s because they were just basing it on the one they already had. And while that is true, they could have chosen to go very different, anyway. As we see with the below...

These are Obi-Wan Kenobi’s lightsabers. Episodes I, II, and III/IV, respectively. So we can see, even with the flash mount as a template, the 1977 team came up with something wildly different for Obi-Wan’s own weapon. Again working out of order, the prequel designers decided to have Obi’s original saber(s) be a much wider departure from his final one, tho small similarities remain, like the studded base and a ribbed aspect. This is at least partly explained away by his basing his original ones on that of his Master, Qui-Gon Jinn.

And while you can certainly see that they are in the same family, Qui-Gonn’s is still quite a bit simpler, even more utilitarian-looking than Anakin’s eventual model.

Perhaps even simpler, however, is Darth Maul’s, the first double-bladed saber seen in a “Star Wars” film. With all the pizzazz surrounding that fact, the design of the hilt itself seems to have almost been an afterthought. Tho it does contain the Prequels’ love of big, obvious, red activation buttons.

In quite stark contrast, then, is the lightsaber belonging to Darth Siddious/Emperor Palpatine, Maul’s master. Say what you will about the guy (absolute prick, frankly), but he put some real care into making an absolutely unique, beautiful, and - dare I say it - actually-elegant lightsaber hilt.

Not that the prequels didn’t let SOME Jedi go a little fancier with their weapon of choice. Mace Windu didn’t just have a unique blade color (per actor Samuel L. Jackson’s request), but a damn pretty hilt. While most other Prequel Jedi were rocking gray-and-black, Windu threw a little gold into his, making it stand out among the other Jedi weapons seen thus far.

Then Yoda has to go and mess things up by being all dull and gray again, giving us what almost appears to be the baby form of Anakin’s saber. Let’s be honest, watching him fight with the thing is a lowlight of the franchise.

But hey, let’s not forget Christopher Lee’s Count Dooku! He’s a former Jedi-turned-Sith, plus apparently a nobleman of some kind! What his lacks in color it makes up for in a unique, bent hilt, HUGE activation trigger, and...whatever that thing is jabbing out next to the emitter. Seems like it should just get melted by the blade...

Hey, why are you showing Obi-Wan’s lightsaber again? I’m not! In the best way I can think of to segue back from the prequels, this is the lightsaber Luke built himself sometime between “Empire” and “Jedi”. Despite the Emperor’s comments that Luke’s saber was “much like his father’s”, it’s pretty clear it’s actually more like his first mentor’s.

“Ok, what the HELL is that?” you’re asking. THAT is the VERY-briefly seen-in-a-flashback lightsaber of Ben Solo, Luke’s most disastrous student/failure and future Kylo Ren. Very simple color scheme, it has a much more carefully sculpted design. But what’s of real note is...

Rather than made a whole new weapon when he fell to the Dark Side, Ren appears to have modified his Jedi hilt into his crackling, vented saber. A nice little touch.

Speaking of modifications! There are no good pictures online yet, but it certainly does appear that the saber Rey builds herself at the end of Episode IX uses the middle of her old bo staff for the hilt. A logical choice for a character we first met as a scavenger, No word yet if it has a second blade...

Remember, Maul could activate his one at a time, so her only switching on one there doesn’t rule it out.

Last, but not least, the saber with even FEWER decent photos of online than Rey’s. Seen briefly in “Rise of Skywalker”, Leia’s lightsaber shares a Kenobi-esque silhouette with Luke’s, but also has a lot of elegance and work put into its overall design. Give it a peek when you can once the movie hits home video.

And that’s your lot! I’ve really nothing hugely clever to say. It just occurred to me that so much work went into so many of these things, and they spend the majority of their screentime covered by hands or hanging from a belt, obscured by a robe or somesuch. I figured, hey...let’s give them their moment to shine WITHOUT their blades.

If you’ve come across this via random means, why not check out the Facebook Page for “A Star to Steer Her By”, the podcast this is part of? We’re actually a “Star Trek” podcast, but occasionally branch out into other topics. Last week we covered “The Rise of Skywalker”, and will be returning to “Deep Space Nine” this Thursday. Give us a listen, why not?

#star wars #lightsaber #star wars prequels #star wars sequel trilogy #luke skywalker #obi wan kenobi #kylo ren #rey #yoda #mace windu #palpatine #anakin skywalker #leia #qui gon jinn #count dooku #darth maul #sith #jedi

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ceylon-tae · 4 years

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Part 3 of 4 This was going to be a footnote on Part 2 but I have strong feelings about this. A previous version of this post used the term “DDNOS” ( dissociative disorder not otherwise specified) because in 2019, I only had an updated copy of the DSM-IV. In 2020 I obtained a copy of the DSM-V and realized the category name was changed to “OSDD” (other specified dissociative disorder). I want to make a point of talking about PTSD and Dissociative Identities. I don’t know what specific kinds of content warnings to put on this. Um. I’m going to talk about other people reacting to DID/OSDD/DDNOS and things that look like it, my experience with dissociation, parts, and recovery. I worked on it a lot this year. Disclaimer that I am not a trained professional, but I HAVE lived with OSDD ever since I can remember, I have been diagnosed, and going through this workbook I mentioned in Part 2 has made a lot of things click into place. I have OSDD and not DID because I don’t ‘lose time’ where I don’t at least know what happened (a requirement for a DID diagnosis in the DSM). This was originally a very long, very angry rant, but I can sum it up in two parts: Dear people who don’t have a dissociative disorder and Dear People who do have a dissociative disorder

The first part is directed at people without DID who are inclined to say: “People who talk to themselves are creepy, lol you're fictionkin? Cringe” DID and other dissociative disorders are responses to trauma. Most people you’ll see talking to various parts of themselves are not faking it. They’re working with what they have. It’s far more normal than you think. If you think that’s cringe, consider shutting the fuck up, growing some fucking compassion, and minding your own fucking business. Don’t harass strangers about it. The second part is directed at people with DID who are inclined to say: ”But some people fake having it because it’s trendy, or try to force themselves to have it, and kinnies make us look bad” Cool I don’t care, you don’t harass strangers about it. Of course having to deal with dismissive or ignorant randos on the internet is exhausting. Trolls and attention-seekers are a drag. It sucks. But there’s assholes and morons everywhere, of every stripe, with every ‘excuse’. Block them. If they’re young and ignorant? You don’t have to educate them. You can block them. There are also people all over this website who would rather commiserate than actually try recovery. That’s sad. But it’s also not your problem. I was over 30 by the time I realized PTSD and dissociation were the medical names for what I was experiencing. If you had told me, as a teenager, that my dissociative disorder was a symptom of PTSD and “please go to therapy”, I would have probably reacted very negatively to that. Partly because I'd have already been in and out of therapy since I was 9, and I would’ve been under no obligation to tell you that. It’s not that my therapist was bad, or that she didn’t know how to treat me. She admitted she simply didn’t want me to feel “broken” since I was already handling it and re-connecting my parts pretty well. But my mental health has been struggling the past few years. In 2019, I needed to know. Now I know. The teenager out there with the upbeat roleplay blog who insists their incredibly important fictionkin / headmate / etc. has “nothing to do” with PTSD? That kid might well have PTSD and not know it. Do NOT say they’re faking it. Do NOT tell them to stop. Do NOT tell them to go to therapy and get a diagnosis, or to get a “better” coping mechanism. Unless they’re a fake account intentionally created to mock DID (like many fake accounts acephobes create to mock asexuality), it’s NOT your problem. Their recovery is also not your problem. If you don’t know them personally, it’s not your problem. Save your concern-trolling, don’t screencap that shit, and mind your own fucking business. Furthermore, fictional parts or alters or ‘headmates’ or whatever else you call them are extremely common. Lots of people reading might already know this. Oftentimes when a kid lived in a terrifying situation for a long time, the only place they saw safety and caring was in a fictional story, and they needed that in their life. That’s also the reason why fictional alters are usually the parts that care for or protect other parts. Although there are toxic ways to use this coping mechanism, it is not a “bad” coping mechanism itself. It’s a good one. Ask Boon, Steele, and Van Der Hart if you don’t believe me (Boon, S., Steele, K.,& Van Der Hart, O. (2011). Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.). If you try to slap that out of their hands because you simply don’t like it, fuck you. That’s the short version. :) Okay enough being mad, let’s talk about ways that having / recovering with a dissociative disorder doesn’t have to be Constant Suffering 24/7/365 If you want to write down the conversations you’re having with yourself, for any reason, please don’t be scared do that. It’s probably much safer if you write them down on paper rather than putting them online, but I’m not your mom. When you write down your conversations, all parts of you can see it right there on the page if one of you is being mean to another part of you. That way, it’s easier to try to change that behavior. It can keep those parts of you accountable. If you’re discussing a topic you personally struggle with, and happen to think of a good solution together, writing it down also means you can read it later and remember how you “worked out this issue” before. It can be a record of your successes. And later, you can reread them and see how much you’ve grown. If some parts don’t want to talk to you, or if there are parts who give you problems, there is real help you can get for that. You CAN work on that. Again, this is the workbook I’ve been using this year. It is very in-depth: Boon, S., Steele, K.,& Van Der Hart, O. (2011). Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. One of my other friends (who was ALSO diagnosed with PTSD and DID in her thirties) has recommended me this workbook which I’ve bought but not started. It mentions parts but is mainly focused on Complex PTSD: Shwartz, Arielle. (2016). The Complex PTSD Workbook. Berkeley, Althea Press. Also here, have a relevant image from Wikipedia in this really long text post:

If someday (even just for a little while), you forget that there were ever parts of you that you felt disconnected from? Fucking superb, you beautiful kintsugi. Here’s the part where I soapbox more. “Recovery” should NOT mean “never mentioning your separate selves again”. It definitely shouldn’t mean you have to stop talking to any of your parts. The goal should be to get all of your parts working together in harmony, not forcibly reducing you to one melody. Heck, here’s a third metaphor that means a lot to me personally. When I’m at my best it, feels like I’m mixing different colors to get just the right hue appropriate to the situation. It’s not that the paint bottles don’t exist anymore - I’m just not stuck painting from just one or two bottles, and I don’t have to paint straight from the bottles anymore either. Boon, Steele, and Van Der Hart literally call it “blending”. I’d been doing it (and using this metaphor) long before reading that but imagine my excitement reading that. Sweet validation. If you’re just starting working with your parts, that can come later. Step #1 is having all your parts acknowledge each other, and talk to each other. Then you try to get better at cooperating together. You’ll do your best to make sure no one gets overwhelmed, and make sure everyone’s needs are met in a feasible manner. And see if you can do a better job at comforting each other. That’s not me soapboxing, that’s straight from the book. If you can do that much, that's a huge step forward to a healthier life. I’m so fucking proud of you. Dissociating and losing time sucks. Being “plural” or whatever you want to call it doesn’t have to suck. Every part of you deserves to feel this good, this connected, and cooperative. Recovery isn’t easy. Even when they give you a workbook with simple prompts and “fill in your own answer” pages. (Which I have.) Even if you think “oh but I already know myself(s) and we’re all fine” but you seem to be struggling in other areas of your mental health (which was me), I guarantee you there will be shit you didn’t know about yourself(s). And it can only get better after you address it, hopefully with professional help. I’m saying you’re doing a bad job on your own, but if you think you could be doing better, go for it. It will be uncomfortable, but whatever little steps you can take (without destabilizing yourself), it’s FUCKING WORTH IT. Notes: Boon, S., Steele, K.,& Van Der Hart, O. (2011). Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. Currently finishing up this workbook so yeah I’m really excited about it

#i don't have a 2019 art retrospective #i have a mental health retrospective #that was still really long #ddnos #osdd #did #also the idea that did is caused by therapy is bullshit #i went to therapy at 9 years old for anxiety and aggression #and depression #i never did any memory recovery treatments in therapy #i started writing down my conversations when i was 11 #i don't think i told my therapist about them until i was at least 15 #i told my sister and she thought it was creepy so i stopped telling anyone #she'd just read sybil and that is a WHOLE NOTHER can of worms lmao #but apparently i have no shame about it anymore so here this is

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journeysintowebcomics · 5 years

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Homestuck Liveblog #181

UPDATE 181: Meat

A long time ago, I finished reading Homestuck. It was quite the long tale, and it was rather enjoyable! At the time I thought there ‘d be nothing else, because Act 7 seemed like quite the final chapter – or if there was anything, it’d be bits and pieces that wouldn’t warrant a liveblog. Yet here we are! Turns out, after this long, there’s epilogues. In plural, as you can see. Somehow, there are now epilogues and they’re said to be quite long, too. After taking a cursory read that made me read more than I thought I would, here I am, reopening this liveblog to explore the epilogues.

What I have read so far...is not particularly enticing or even likable, at least in terms of enjoyment, really, but there’s something about the writing that makes me want to continue. Credit where it’s due, yeah. Still, I’m interested in seeing where this is going, and now, I’m posting my thoughts here for everyone to see. Here we go! So, let’s start with the epilogue liveblog!

You know, before that, I should note that now the story has its own URL instead of being into the old mspaintadventures website. Kind of late in the game for this change, Mr. Hussie. I mean, the story is over, and although there’s a whooole lot of new content, it seems a bit senseless to have this in its own domain. Then again, the rest of the mspaintadventures stories were kind of...hidden away in the website? I don’t remember links to them, when I used to read Homestuck. Maybe Homestuck getting its own domain is for the better. I do wonder if this is a hint more stuff will come in the future. The extra-epilogue. The postscript-extra-content. The seriously-guys-this-is-the-end chapter.

There are two epilogues, it seems. One is meat, the other is candy. I immediately notice this is related to the cherubs’ food. I wonder if it means one epilogue will be...bloodier? Crueler? More chaotic and violent? I mean more like something Caliborn will like, while the other will be more to Calliope’s tastes. I’ll start with the meat epilogue, simply because it’s to the left.

From what I can tell at a glance, there are no images, but there are colored words, most likely from conversations between characters. That should be fine, although Homestuck was pretty visual at times, its strength was the writing and characterization.

Well then! The very first paragraph already beats most of Homestuck in terms of extremely descriptive stuff. Heck, this reminds me of Worm, with its extensive paragraphs about bugs and how they crawl on people and cause all sorts of nasty effects. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

Meat was definitely the right choice, you think, as grease drips down your chin. The meat is cold and undercooked, so you have to grab it with both hands while you rend it apart with your incisors. It bursts in chunks, filling your mouth with blood and your throat with mangled knots of gristle and long strings of muscle fiber. You take big bites, almost too big to swallow, so big that you choke on the meaty mulch and hock some of it up into your nasal cavity. You sneeze out a gooey rope of phlegm and flesh. You stop for a moment to wipe your face, but your chin is still slippery after you swipe the mess away. Slivers of meat catch between your teeth as you masticate with bestial enthusiasm. You use your thumbnail to fish them out.

...am I eating this meat straight from the cow.

Apparently the person who is eating meat that’s almost raw is John, who I guess gained a taste for raw meat at some point. Maybe he’s trying to emulate Jade’s canine half, for all I know. He’s with Roxy and Calliope, the later providing the meat. I suppose cherubs wouldn’t know about cooking meat. Speaking of cherubs, eating meat reminds John of Lord English, and he gets so sick thinking of Lord English he decides he knows what he must do. Alright! Didn’t waste any time dilly-dallying around!

JOHN: i have to go back and kill lord english.

ROXY: u sure?

JOHN: i think so. it will probably be hard. but i think it’s the right thing to do.

JOHN: everyone is counting on me.

When is this epilogue set? Before Act 7? I thought by now Lord English was dead and gone, not that it still was something that needed to be done. Then again, it’s not like Lord English’s death was shown on screen, if I remember correctly. Maybe this is after Act 7 and he’s going back in time with his retcon powers. I suppose he’d still have them.

Roxy seems disappointed, so I suppose she knew this had to be done at some point. Given John’s retcon powers, it’s not impossible this is the last time she sees John if things go wrong. Calliope is more accepting, saying it’s John’s decision. Time to leave?

Seriously, things have gotten quite more descriptive now. Still unsure if that’s good or not.

The farewell is quite unsatisfying, and the moment passes without John being able to make it better, so he goes to prepare himself and write a note for Roxy as a farewell and/or apology. Not only to her, to all of his friends. It’s like he’s aware the chances he’ll return here aren’t that high. I wonder if John would die here at the end. It’d be quite...something!

In this epilogue, there’s a Troll Kingdom, which I imagine is ruled by the trolls who survived Homestuck, raising the grubs created by ectobiology. Dave and Karkaroni are there, Dave lives with the trolls, I suppose because his relationship with Karkaroni now includes living in his hive.

KARKAT: NOT NOW DAVE. JAKE’S ASS IS ON TV AGAIN.

DAVE: stop ogling jakes ass this is important

KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHOSE ASS I SHOULD STOP OGLING.

Apparently the reason why Jake’s ass is on TV again is because he and Dirk have a show involving rap battles and robot wrestling, which I suppose is the natural progression from when Jake used to get said ass kicked by a robot. People like the show, and I’m already convinced it’s partly because of the schadenfreude of seeing Jake losing against robots – because no way Dirk is losing, hah

Karkaroni has a few choice words for the fake gladiatorial show, and points out this show is all about zooming onto Jake’s ass. Maybe ‘pumpkin patch’ is an euphemism. Either way, the relevance of the TV show is eclipsed by the announcement Jane is running for president of the entire Earth. Aha, truly the wretched pastry baroness’ descendant.

DAVE: i dunno crocker is just an ambitious woman i guess

KARKAT: THIS SOUNDS FUCKING AWFUL.

DAVE: oh it is

DAVE: it absolutely is

DAVE: also like

DAVE: dont tell her i said this but

DAVE: i think shes basically a fascist

...well then. Oh all things that could have been used to describe Jane from what I remember of her, ‘fascist’ didn’t come not even close. Then again, it’s not like Karkaroni had any meaningful contact with Jane, and all Dave did was call her hot, which isn’t really the epitome of camaraderie and intimidate knowledge. They both even admit to that.

DAVE: oh also shes a fucking xenophobe

KARKAT: OF COURSE SHE’S A XENOPHOBE!

...ah.

...

Did I miss something? Was there something between Act 7 and these epilogues that revealed Jane harbors xenophobic inclinations? Why am I having to ask aloud ‘hey is Jane a xenophobe’

KARKAT: DAVE, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE NOTICED, BUT

KARKAT: A LOT OF HUMANS ARE???

DAVE: yeah ive noticed

Well, that part isn’t really surprising. Humanity just has a knack for looking down on other people, I can only imagine how it’d be when it’s about other sapient species. If aliens ever make contact with humanity it’ll be a social mess.

Since letting Jane claim the spot of president of Earth is not good, apparently, Dave wants to stop her, eliciting laughter from Karkaroni who is already imagining Dave running against her. No, Dave couldn’t handle that responsibility, no way.

DAVE: anyway no

DAVE: im not running

DAVE: you are

Hm...unless Karkaroni got over the many issues he had from his leadership attempt during Sgrub this can’t end well. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t like the idea, precisely because he doesn’t feel like he has what’s needed to be a leader. It’s not that he would lose horribly – Karkaroni actually is rather popular. I suppose all of the Homestuck survivors are popular – it’s that he doesn’t feel ready and he seems to hate the attention. Understandable.

KARKAT: MAYBE I DON’T ACTUALLY LIKE BEING FAMOUS?

KARKAT: AND MAYBE THAT’S AS GOOD A FUCKING REASON AS ANY *NOT TO RUN FOR THE FUCKING PRESIDENCY OF EARTH*?????

KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION THE IDEA OF AN ELECTION IS KIND OF A FUCKED UP AND WEIRD THING TO ME CULTURALLY ANYWAY, AND I’M STILL KIND OF GETTING USED TO THE IDEA THAT PEOPLE CAN JUST... “CHOOSE” THEIR FUCKING LEADERS AND NOT HAVE THE SAME OLD MERCILESS BITCH IN POWER FOR SEVERAL MILLION YEARS.

Perfectly valid reason. I mean, it’s not something kind of inconsequential as being the class president of sophomore year in school or whatever it’s like up there in America. It’s president of the entire planet. If Karkaroni wins there will be consequences, even if he steps away immediately. Either he commits to this fully, or he simply shouldn’t run.

DAVE: ok ill just be the one to come out and say it

DAVE: shes going to be a fucking disaster for the economy

So Jane’s a republican. Haha! Ah, I shouldn’t touch this not even with a ten-foot pole. Nevermind that.

DAVE: i guess i have to admit

DAVE: part of this

DAVE: for me personally

DAVE: its

KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING DAVE

DAVE: its about obama

Somehow, I didn’t even bat an eye with Dave described part of the reason why this is personal for him is because Obama didn’t get to be president due to, you know, the end of the world. I find it in-character, somehow. This isn’t the first time Dave extols Obama’s virtues, and after quite an extensive diatribe, he says maybe Obama reincarnated in Karkaroni. Thaaaat has to be the most Dave-y encouraging thing he could have ever thought. It’s for things like these that I like Dave, haha

Apparently only humans have tried to get to high offices, because no other species has even tried. They lack ambition, and given what I remember from Sburb, that’s believable. The only species that could come close to taking part in this are the trolls, and they’re not used to elections. No wonder humans have the high spots of politics.

DAVE: karkat dont stereotype

DAVE: remember the mayor

DAVE: remember how at one point a long time ago he raised an army and rebelled against an evil king

KARKAT: OH YEAH

KARKAT: SOMEHOW I ALWAYS FORGET HE DID THAT.

KARKAT: KIND OF MIND BOGGLING, REALLY.

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, I MISS THE MAYOR.

DAVE: me too

Ah, yeah...I miss him too. I wonder what happened to him.

The government is in charge of troll reproduction through cloning, I suppose because the mother grub isn’t ready yet. In the meantime, the balance of power will get entrenched to the point where even when there’s a functional mother grub, humans will restrict troll population so they don’t take over the planet and make the horrors of Alternia happen. No lie, that’d be pretty bleak for humanity. Last time the horrors of Alternia were forced onto Earth everyone died. No troll right now would try, buuuut yeah, that’s not going to be forgotten...for a while.

Somehow, Dave’s arguments about how Jane has zero business acumen, is sinister, and trolls are getting the raw end of the deal are actually getting Karkaroni to pay attention, until he finally caves, simply because it’d make Dave happy. That’s sweet. But yeah, this is...not what I expected what would happen in the epilogue. Well then!

DAVE: aw yeah

DAVE: you wont regret it this is gonna be dope

DAVE: i think we have a great shot too

DAVE: with my political savvy and economic genius and outrageous flair for subversive anti establishment messaging and propaganda, and your big loud fucking mouth...

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK

DAVE: um i guess also your charisma and likability and shit

KARKAT: YEAH.

KARKAT: YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT...

KARKAT: I’M PRETTY SURE I CAN FAKE THOSE THINGS WELL ENOUGH.

DAVE: oh also

DAVE: your weirdly sincere humility

KARKAT: I PREFER THE TERM “SELF LOATHING” ACTUALLY.

DAVE: ok lets try to avoid that phrase on the campaign trail too

KARKAT: THIS ALREADY SOUNDS LIKE A PAIN IN THE ASS.

I’m not a political strategist, but if Karkaroni is going to run on a platform about how Jane sucks and there’s inequality towards the trolls, I’m not entirely certain it’s good there’s a shadowy human pulling the strings in the campaign. Kind of seems like bad optics to me. Then again, can’t say I know where this is going so let’s just wait and see.

Yup, Dave definitely will be the brains behind this presidency. They already agreed he’ll write what Karkaroni will say, even though he should improvise and speak from the heart, like he tends to do. Not a bad idea, it’s part of what makes him endearing.

DAVE: time to talk some strategy

DAVE: we need to rally as much high profile support to our cause as we can

DAVE: but there are some uh

DAVE: “lines of loyalty” to figure out

KARKAT: WHAT?

DAVE: i mean which of our friends are going to side with us and which ones will side with jane

It’s a safe bet to think the New Wonderteam will side with Jane and the Original Flavor Wonderteam with Dave and Karkaroni. Calliope likely will stick with Roxy, so she’d be on Jane’s side. All the living trolls would go with Karkaroni, so...overall? It seems to me the advantage is clear. Dave is slightly less optimistic than me, but he does think they can get many on their side.

...okay, what happened to Jade? What kind of twisted scenario involved her to the point where neither Dave nor Karkaroni want to talk about her? I’m almost afraid of finding out.

So there are four kingdoms, if I understand this correctly: one for humans, one for trolls, one for...carapaces, I guess, and one for the consorts, which would be aaaaaall the silly reptiles and amphibians from Sburb.

Jake’s support will be pivotal, and since I’m already betting he’ll be on Jane’s side out of, you know, being friends with her for quite some time, it seems like she’ll have the edge there. Then again, it’s true Jake is fairly timid, so there’s also a chance he’ll refuse to take a side. I’m starting to think any sane person would stay the heck away from any side in this mess, honestly. These two haven’t even announced Karkaroni as a candidate yet I already kind of dread what’s coming. I don’t know, it’s just this...constant atmosphere that something’s pretty wrong. I don’t really like it.

During all this, Dave receives a call from Dirk, so he calls back to ask what’s going on. This page ends with Dirk abut to insinuate he needs Dave to cut his head off again. I see these two’s weird pseudofamilial relationship is as messed up as ever. Charming.

So, back to the more Homestuck-y stuff. John zaps back to the story, apparently he agreed with Rose what needed to be done. First he makes sure Aranea won’t be up to shenanigans, taking off that ring of life from her finger. Good! Then he stashes Gamzee into the fridge again. Good! Everything’s fine over here. John zaps to the next plot point.

Ah, I have to read just two paragraphs to know what moment is this. The conversation below confirms my thoughts. Wait, I have to get the image for this moment:

There we go. Boy was it a pain to find it now that the long outline list is gone.

I think in Homestuck they had noticed John hanging out above them, and this time they see three of them, one of the Johns being an adult version. That’s going to be difficult to explain. Questions are asked, and evil Jade is zapped away to maybe get ready for the fight against Lord English, hopefully she won’t still be evil when the time comes, even if she technically is against Lord English and wants him dead. John is here to talk with Dave, anyway. If I recall correctly, Dave was supposed to give the final blow with that sword with the Welsh name, so my guess is that John is here for that. Get ready, Dave, you’re going to fulfill the fate you didn’t want in the first place! But at least I’m fairly certain John will be more successful at this than evil Jade was.

Turns out I’m not wrong about why John is here. In fact, the narration even says this:

Dave’s eyebrows descend beneath his sunglasses. You feel pretty bad because you’re about to completely circumvent the life-changing epiphany he’s just had that you know for a fact will make him a happier, chiller, and altogether more well-balanced human being.

Pretty unfortunate, really. It sucks to be Dave.

As I said before, Jade is zapped away to parts unknown, and Dave is informed of how everyone was spending their lives as normal adults with no big problems and a fairly peaceful life. Clearly John left the present before Dave and Karkaroni started their political war against Jane. Oh well. Off you go, Dave, get ready for a fight with Lord English. In the meantime, John will gather the rest of the team.

You know, I’m starting to realize I had a lot more to say about Dave and Karkaroni’s new political adventures than about the more familiar Homestuck-y messing around John is doing with the plot. I guess it’s because, as strange as the other plotline is, it just has...a lot other stuff to comment about that hasn’t been present in Homestuck before? Hm.

Yup, Dirk immediately asks for his decapitation as a solution for the tremendous defeat he has suffered at Jake’s hands, defeat that shouldn’t have happened because, as Dave states, Jake is pretty awful at everything. Either the show is rigged or Dirk must have quite a lot in mind for him to not even make an effort.

Yep, it’s rigged. I hope Jake knows. That guy never had a break during the game, hopefully he’ll get a break now. Speaking of Jake, he has to take the brunt of entertaining everyone while Dirk takes the call in the middle of the show. Whatever he has to talk about must be somewhat urgent, if he felt like calling Dave in the middle of it.

This narration sure is calling attention to Jake’s ass a lot, I lost count of how many paragraphs include something about it. Hussie, is there something you’d like to share with the class? Last time I checked the story he didn’t seem particularly interested in Jake’s ass, or in...Jake in general, really.

It seems what Dirk is doing here is intentionally making himself the villain of this show, but it’s not because he’s throwing Jake a bone or anything. No, it turns out there are more sinister goals here, or at least they’re sinister for Dave and Karkaroni’s newfound political ambitions.

DIRK: The point is, this is much less about me, and more about providing a foil for Jake’s heroism and charisma.

DIRK: It’s very important that his popularity continues to be cultivated, to maximize his political capital.

Sounds like they were planning Jane’s campaign for quite a while, if they went so far as to make Jake the hero of their show just for political capital. I bet that was the plan all along, right from the very first time this was broadcasted. How long ago was that, I wonder? But yeah, as Dave predicted, Dirk is fully on the Jane corner of this mess. He’s fully aware of Jane’s flaws and theoretical fascist/xenophobic tendencies, I presume, and he believes Jane’s the best for the current situation of the world. Whether he’s right or not...well...until proven otherwise I believe that too, yeah.

DIRK: We’ve all had our fun here, but it’s easy to overlook the fact that civilization on Earth C is hardly a sustainable proposition.

DIRK: Just beneath the surface, it’s quite a dangerous and unstable place.

Won’t lie, that never crossed my mind at all. From the way Act 7 ended, and how happy the ending was supposed to be, I simply thought things were going to be just peachy. I’m interested in knowing just how exactly it’s a quite a dangerous and unstable place. Care to explain, Dirk?

Guess not. I hope he explains how he knew what Dave and Karkaroni are planning, then. They took this decision like ten minutes ago.

DIRK: I think your heart is in the right place, but the dude is a complete amateur.

DIRK: He’ll get eaten alive. I also have a hard time imagining he even wants the job.

DIRK: Really, it’s an awful idea for him to even run. Think about how much it’s going to inflame the interspecies tensions on this planet. Is that what you want?

DIRK: I’m happy for both of you, really. It’s nice that you encourage and support each other in this way. But you’re sending him on a fool’s errand which can only end badly.

To be perfectly honest, other than the part about inflaming interspecies tensions on the planet, that was more or less what I thought. So far I agree. Even the part about inflaming interspecies tensions sounds plausible.

You know, it’s kind of fun both sides have a savvy Strider political operative. These two are more alike than Dave would like to admit, really.

The reason why Dirk is calling is because he wants to dissuade Karkaroni from running, even if he doesn’t say it. He admits Jake is not under Dirk’s beck and call, though. Does that really change anything? Dirk may not be on Jake’s good graces, but perhaps Jane is? Either way, this is a call to subtly dissuade and it’s not going to work because Karkat is stubborn as hell once he gets his head into something and he did. Tough luck.

The call is over, Dirk is back into the staged fray, so Jake thinks about Dirk’s capricious nature.

DIRK: Sorry for the momentary diversion, Jake. Now where were we?

JAKE: Momentary??? Gadzooks man you were on the phone for half a friggin hour!

JAKE: I know you like to get the crowd all hot and bothered but we are supposed to be professionals here!

...no wonder the crowd was starting to get so upset. Half an hour?! Just how slowly were the Striders talking?

Jake pulls out rhymes that honestly reminds me of Dave’s old rapping convos from like Act 1 or 2, peppered with old-timey sayings. It’s the kind of thing that makes me wonder how Jake is popular all over the planet. It’s said it’s out of pity, but goodness, that must be a metric ton of pity. The rap fight ends with Dirk sedating Jake to take another call. Geez, no wonder you’re not on his good graces anymore, Dirk.

Aaaanyway, back to John. He has gathered everyone back at his childhood home, ready to start the discussion on how to get rid of Lord English once and for all.

Jake is sort of ruining the mood anyway by bouncing away on your old Green Slime pogo. Doesn’t he realize how dangerous that thing is? Of course not. The fool.

To be frank that thing looked fun to me, even though I wouldn’t ride it without a helmet. John needs to appreciate more the painful playground elements in his life.

It’s nostalgic to read a convo with the kids. I hadn’t realized until now I missed Jade’s goofy mannerisms. Jade was always someone I was so fond of. Heck, all of the kids are people I’m fond of, although I’m less fond of Dirk and Jake than the rest. My opinion of Homestuck may not be as high as it once was, but the characters are something I still appreciate.

John answers a question: what happens to the people from the timelines they all left? Who knows. They may have stopped existing, which I’m sure is something they’d have liked to know before, but there’s nothing that can be done about that. Better start planning so they don’t die horribly and make nothing matter, alright.

The planning is mostly disorganized and structureless, although some common themes that often recur involve you and your original three friends leading the charge, since you are the oldest and wisest, and therefore the strongest, with the exception of Jade, whose gaudy array of powers make her the most formidable of the group, bar none. Aside from that, it appears the consensus is that the melee will likely devolve into an absolute free-for-all—at least going by the general patterns of incoherent banter, shit-talking, and points of pedantic tactical disagreement plaguing the jam session.

Sounds about right. I still think Jade would be very useful in the fight as long as she’s actually there and not...getting knocked out by mailwomen-turned-winged-dog. Maybe this time there’ll actually be something about the kids getting into a fight with Lord English. I’m not really going to hope for that too much, given how Hussie is not into catering to orderly narratives, but eh. No harm in dreaming.

The reunion ends when Jake eats dirt when he falls from the pogo, and in all this there wasn’t even a word about the plan. Not a good omen for the ‘show everyone fighting Lord English’ dream, really. The kids all talk together, some of them meeting each other for the first time, while John wistfully stares at Dad Egbert who is visible through the window.

The sun is hitting the glass in such a way that you can’t see his face.

Ah, yes, how could I forget the eternal sun that was in Dad’s vicinity all the time, that’s why his face always appeared mostly blank. That’s why the sun was right beside the Homestuck letter logo, it’s always there. Besides, if it’s a bad idea to go talk with Dad Hebert, may I ask why they’re all gathered in this yard, one week before the meteors strike? I know I’d be alarmed if I looked out of the window and saw seven hooligans and one adult hanging out in my yard.

There are other things to be wondering about, anyway, like the fact John may not be seeing these as real versions of his friends. Then again, in my opinion, he’s thinking a bit too hard about this. Of course he’d feel kind of detached, simply because of the age difference. That’s hard to overcome. Is it time to leave and go possibly die? Grab hands and hope it’ll go okay!

No, seriously, why am I taking like a page for John’s retconning and like three and half for Dave and Karkaroni’s Elect-a-Troll 20XX? Oh well. Dirk is still in the stadium, apparently their shows always ends in a riot, making me wonder how are they popular with people. Public disorder doesn’t really paint a good image of you. The caller is Rose, and she’s not feeling happy.

ROSE: The bottom line is this.

ROSE: I am ascending, and it is terrible.

Is Rose reaching Nirvana? How else am I supposed to interpret ‘ascending’? It’s not like she’s not a higher existence already, what with godhood and all.

What’s going on is that Rose is being plagued from visions and a higher awareness of her alternate selves’ lives and tribulations, giving her something close to omniscience when it’s about the universe, and Dirk is going through that too, which I suppose helps explain how he knew what Dave wanted to do. That’s what Dave will have to go against? Good luck to him.

I have to wonder if Dirk being such a stalwart Jane supporter is fueled by his recent omniscience. Maybe he knows something Dave and Karkaroni don’t, maybe the warning he gave them was something he foresaw. That aside, then he also must have known how useless it was to call Dave and that it wouldn’t make much of a difference. Having omniscience must seriously suck. At least Dirk has a way to work with his omniscience in a way that won’t wreck him apart, and I’m curious what it’s going to be. That said, though, a story about Dirk and Rose having foreseen a nasty future and working to stop it even at the cost of a few valuable friendships would be interesting. I’d read that.

Any conversation that will come from this will be at the studio later. I for one am looking forward to it, I admit. It’s an interesting topic, rich with possibilities and potential for development. It’s a shame these are epilogues, though. In the end, this will go nowhere, I imagine. Isn’t it a pity when you come across an idea or a plot that could span an entire story, but you know it’s not likely to come to fruition? Real shame, that.

I think I’ll stop for now. I have read only seven pages out of forty-three or so, but this should be enough for now. I can’t say I have been...enjoying this. I’m interested, but not really happy so far. Maybe it’s because a couple rather questionable things have come out of the blue and for the life of me I can’t make them fit with the characters or the story. Strange.

Also, something about the writing style is...off. It’s far more descriptive than Homestuck usually was. Most of the time it’s nice, other times I wonder if it was necessary. Still, I wonder where this will go, so at least the epilogues have that on its favor. Just for that, I think liveblogging it will be worth it.

Still, these epilogues are non-canon, aren’t they? If they’re canon can you please tell me that? Thanks, readers! So, for the time being, this update ends here.

Next update: next time

#homestuck #homestuck liveblog #webcomics #liveblog #webcomic liveblog

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noquirka-blog · 6 years

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ive always talked about deck in my au but you know whos my other greatest pride...hehe..katsuki

sunny already rps him at @noforfeit and he does portray him splendidly so im thankful 4 that! that being said, follow him. also shou @hoshiumies because...you know. toorus an essential part of decks au

there’s also major personality changes, thought it doesn’t erase his character as a whole. much like deck himself.

ALSO NOTE THAT THE CANON DIVERGENCE IN THIS AU IS the idea that quirks appear at the age of 7, not 4. with this, their relationship was able to grow stronger and they were no doubt best friends as children. it goes a bit shaky, if not entirely wrecked, along middle school. the au takes places in highschool wherein they’re completely separated. kids like eri and shouto however earn them around 4-5, as they’re called early bloomers.

katsuki associates people with certain colors. this is immediately highlighted and used as an essential character trait of his in the first chapter of the story, wherein he associates deck’s childhood self with the color orange as he gave off an extremely warm vibe. hence the line ‘ i don’t recall associating sunsets with suicides ‘ as the time goes, images of izuku would always turn red, hinting to his death/absence.

though untrue, he internally blames himself for his disappearance. he internally battles him with this idea too though and isn’t admitting it verbally except for the instance wherein his death was declared.

“ What do you mean he’s fucking dead?! “ The snap’s more of a bark than a bite. If there’s anything biting him it’s the fuckfold monster of anxiety that’s formed inside his belly. Katsuki’s teeth grit as he nearly combusts the wooden table, palm meeting said surface. He wasn’t going to believe it. That nerd is anything but dead. “ I’ve known him more than any of you fuckers do! That little shit ain’t the type to fucking die! “ “ We aren’t able to find him anywhere. No one has reported anything either, and with the background about his childhood life given to us, it wouldn’t be uncanny for him to kick the bucket. “ The officer calmly explains, yet you can hear the evident dismay in his voice. “ It’s a case that’s been reported to us many, many times. “ “ I DON’T GIVE A SHIT, IT MEANS YOU FUCKERS AREN’T LOOKING TOO HARD! IZUCHAN’S ANYTHING BUT FUCKING DEAD, HE- “ A harsh, unforgiving smack from his mother’s hand hits him from behind, briefly cutting his boisterous yelling up. “ SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING BRAT! IF THAT KID’S DEATH, IT’S PARTLY YOUR FAULT! “ “ DO YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT, YOU SHITTY OLD HAG? “ The sudden reply takes Mitsuki aback. Her son glares at her with such rage, but it’s more than anger at her for mouthing the idea--- or fact in Katsuki’s head--- out loud. More than rage for carelessly slapping and reminding himself of what he’s done in his face. Red pupils tremble, lips quiver, voice cracking as sobs refuse to leave his lips. For the first time in forever, she witnesses guilt burn in her son’s eyes.

izuchan was his childhood nickname for izuku, not deku! deku was something else he came up with later on. when he got a new bunch of friends outside of izuku, they all disliked how eccentric and odd he was. katsuki was more of the type to follow society than his sincere feelings, so outside, he’d bully izuku along with the others, up to the point that he’d give him another nickname. yet, when they’re alone, he’d treat as if he’s done nothing.

this should denote that even their time as childhood best friends, their relationship was not at all healthy. katsuki’s terrible at handling confrontation and standing up for what is right, easily going with the crowd’s choice for the sake of his own benefits.

katsuki left izuku for several reasons. yes, it may be indeed because he was quirkless and he turned against his back despite so, but there were other factors. he has complicated psychology towards his childhood friend that is perfectly similar to the canon bakugou: the idea that izuku was an embodiment of everything he hated about himself, the inner anxiety of someone as great as bakugou could be easily outwitted by izuku, the idea that someone as pathetic and weak as izuku was still going and that terrifies him because he feels like he could be outwitted, this and that. this’d be an entirely different post but you get the gist!

i thank sunny for this one but he used to have a lot of bandages and scars, as well as eyebags, at the period of looking for izuku. he really went all the way and searched almost twice as hard as inko did, making sure to ask several people and go to places he’d assume he’d be in. it crushed him heavily to find out that he was no longer there and he wasn’t used to not having him there at all.

the image of izuku’s ‘suicide’ is a constant nightmare. in gore-ish detail, it is :

It was a too vivid image of an event that never happened. His skull cracked against the cold pavement, forming a puddle of blood by his side. Tongue lolled out, jaw unhinged. Once vibrant green eyes completely clouded with a grey color and they didn’t close when he died, they stayed open, as if on purpose to bore his dead gaze into Katsuki and pierce that guilt in him like a fucking knife. Flies fly around his body like no one cared about him at all. A burnt notebook labeled ‘ Hero Analysis For the Future ‘ stands by his side, completely drenched in his blood.

He doesn’t say death threats anymore either, the ‘ die ‘ branding is completely torn away from him. The aforementioned scene would appear whenever he does, and he’d remember what would happen if his words went too far. Sometimes, whenever he’d get too angry, he would pause and end up vomiting due to him being able to trigger this said scene. That is to say, no one dares to even make him that angry. It’s only happened once and the entire class got crazy worried.

He’s a lot vehement and aloof than in canon. He’s also a lot more angrier and aggressive, but is still able to be calm. Easier to be vulnerable at times, too.

His concept of heroism changed a bit, and he promises to do shit unlike he did before to prevent things like this from happening.

He’s canonically trans bye

he has a tooth gap because it’s cute

#this au is my LIFE SOUL i dont care if i made it myself jLK:MFJKLS #world building tag /#suicide /#vomiting /#domestic abuse /#ask to tag /#gore /#also like..thi si sjust katsukis thinking bc?#frankly? the sad thing is deck doesnt even...hat ehim at all nor does he think of him this way #n he didnt BLAME katsuki at /ALL/ for leaving him #and he had his finger pointed at society #but he /is/ upset that hes left him. thres tht.#I MIGHT AD TO THIS..SOON #I LOVE KATSUKI SOOOOOOOOO MUCH HES RLLY O-O in the au n #i feel so bad for him AJKLSMF #he attended izukus funeral TWICE do you wanna do th

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ladywolfmd · 6 years

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Ships that Pass in the Night

Part I & II | Part III & IV | Part V & VI | Part VII & VIII | Part IX & X

V. The Party

Jon checked his watch and knew he was very late to the Manderlys’ annual ball. There was nothing he could do about it. His crew dragged him into a late lunch at the Lazy Eel and it took some time to get back to the Wolf’s Den and then he had to go up the hill to Merman’s Court.

Once he got there, everyone was already gathered over the open theatre in the middle of the vast courtyard.

He could recognize the music playing from one of the musicals his mother loved. It was Queen Naerys’ solo from the play, Knight of Tears.

Jon briefly remembered that this was the part where Ser Aemon disguised as the Knight of Tears, had just crowned his sister, Naerys, queen of love and beauty for he couldn’t bear her to be humiliated since their brother, King Aegon planned to crown one of his mistresses, and where, Queen Naerys dances her joy after being miserable in her loveless marriage to the king.

He found himself a spot to watch and immediately his breath got caught at the graceful dancer.

He didn’t recognize her, not with her silver hair bound and crowned with different blooms. Not with her face half concealed with a black silk mask. Yet for some reason, he felt he knew her.

And as she glided across the stage almost effortlessly, his mind started sending him images of red hair, a green dress with wolves, and the sound of teasing.

“You really don’t know how to dance, don’t you, Jon Snow? Very well, I’ll teach you.”

Continue reading on AO3 or here.

The sound of applause brought him back from his thoughts, his hands joined instinctively as he blinked through the haze and saw the dancer take her bow.

Before he could make sense of anything, blue eyes met his own grays, and he found himself stuck in between the dreaming and the present once more.

Blue eyes.

Alive. And warm. Filled with love.

In a blink, the same bright eyes dimmed.

Cold.

Empty.

Dead.

A hand on his shoulder brought him back once more and he was staring at his friend, Daryn Hornwood, his half-brother Larence, and his wife Alys trailing behind. All their mouths were moving but Jon had yet to understand.

Another squeeze on his shoulders made him finally focus. “You alright?”

Jon mustered a half-smile and a nod. “I’m fine,” he croaked. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I’m good. Sorry I’m late.”

“Well, what’s important is you’re here,” Daryn grinned then followed his line of sight. “What’s wrong? Are you looking for someone?”

“Or are you avoiding anyone,” Alys raised a brow.

Jon didn’t even realize he was seeking out the dancer.

“I think he’s looking for Wylla’s guest,” Larence smirked at him, earning chuckles from the other two.

“I wasn’t,” Jon said defensively. It was partly true. He wasn’t actively looking for her but a nagging feeling in the back of his head wants him to.

“Were you able to watch the dance?” Daryn waggled his brows earning a smack from Alys.

“Not from the beginning,” he admitted.

“Anyway, do you have a guest with you?” Daryn cocked his head to the side.

Jon shook his head.

“Ah. Perfect. You should meet the dancer then. I think she came with your plane.”

Jon almost choked. “Excuse me?”

Alys rolled her eyes after she glared at Daryn. “Stop being crude. This mystery guest of Wylla supposedly took the flight you flew.”

His heart started racing inexplicably. “Oh? Lots of people took that flight.”

“The man has a point, bro,” Larence shrugged. “Anyway, no one knows who she is yet and that’s just Daryn’s way of fishing for information.”

Jon shook his head. “Sorry, I don’t really know if there was a person of interest on the plane with me.”

“Ah, you’re no fun,” Daryn sighed. “Well, I guess we’ll find out later on.”

“Why all the mystery though?” Alys asked.

Daryn shrugged. “Beats me. Ask Wylla.”

“Ask Wylla what?”

They all turned to see Wylla behind them, flipping her long green-dyed hair and smirking.

Daryn slung an arm around Jon’s shoulder that he immediately pushed away. “Jon here was just curious about this friend of yours.”

Wylla’s eyes glinted while her smirk deepened. “Are you now? Because my friend is very single.”

Jon slid a hand down his face and groaned. First his crew and now his old hiking team.

“Just who is your lovely friend, Wylla?” Larence asked.

Wylla grinned. “You guys might recognize her for sure but hold on, I’ll go get her. She’s just changing out of her costume.”

They watched as Wylla headed off backstage but just as they saw her come out, Jon was suddenly dragged away by Tormund and Val who magically appeared.

He could hear Wylla asking where he was. “Guys, I can’t find her—where’s Jon?”

VI. The Empty Ballroom

Sansa stumbled into the lesser ballroom that she knew the Manderlys hasn’t used in ages. She felt guilty for wanting to hide out a bit but as timing showed, right after her performance, the reviews from her last show had just gone up and everyone was starting to recognize her as more than just Warden Ned Stark’s daughter.

They people didn’t know she chose to dance professionally. All they knew was that she was still in King’s Landing on a pre-law program, which she was, a few years ago. But she just didn’t have the heart for politics anymore.

It’s not even that she wasn’t good. She was actually skilled with it but it wasn’t something she wanted to do.

What Sansa had always wanted to do was to dance.

Since she was three, her mother would bring her to her ballet lessons but always maintained that it was a hobby. It took a lot of tears, fights, and convincing, but finally she put her foot down and pursued her dream.

And now she was finally getting somewhere.

Sansa drew one of the large curtains open to let in some of the moonlight. Very faintly, she glanced over one of the mirrors and saw that she was still wearing the silver wig she had to use as Queen Naerys. Slowly she took the pins off and removed it, the hairnet came next, and the relief of her now freed hair tumbling down her back made her sigh. Next she removed the black ballet slippers she wore that matched the black and red leotards she wore.

She dressed right then and there into the simple grey velvet dress and was about to slip on her heels when she heard the music change from the other side of the room.

It was The Winter Maid, her favorite.

And feeling rather wicked, she dropped her shoes, shook her hair, and padded over to the middle of the ballroom and started dancing.

Sansa closed her eyes and let the music take her, not caring for anything but her and the song. She hummed along as she glided across the floor, her mind slowly bringing her back to that place.

Behind her lids she could see people dressed in strange thick winter garb, with flagons, skins, and cups, raised to her as she danced.

Faces familiar but not quite surrounded her and she knew she was back in her dream world. A place that would always show her what looked liked memories that seemed impossible.

A place that always showed her him.

A dark-haired man with grey eyes that looked at her like she was the world.

Yet as soon as both of them would reach out and touch, she’d be assaulted with images of death and longing.

Every night she’d see him.

And every night they’d try to be together only to be ripped apart in the morning.

Sansa was mid-twirl when the sound of something crashing on the floor startled her that she fell ungracefully.

“Shit! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you--don’t move, I’ll come get you. Fuck! Where’s the bloody switch?” Sansa’s heart was still racing as she tried to collect herself while she heard the intruder fumble his way to her.

Sansa managed to sit up, checked her ankle at once and sighed in relief to see it wasn’t injured. Only her bum hurt where she landed but she was sure she’d just get by with a bruise in the morning. “I’m fine. Don’t worry. Go back.” She tried to make out the stranger’s profile but it was too dark, especially with the moon now partially hidden by clouds and he was likely wearing a black suit and had dark hair.

She slowly stood up then and walked back to where she left her shoes and sat down on the floor while she put them on. All the while she could feel the man stand behind her before he dropped to sit on the floor too.

“I’m so sorry miss. I didn’t realize at once that I wasn’t alone and then I saw…movement..”

“It’s fine,” she felt her cheeks redden from embarrassment of being caught. “I shouldn’t have been dancing randomly.”

“No, no. You were amazing—I mean.”

Sansa suddenly chuckled but still wasn’t brave enough to turn around and face him. “That’s very kind of you to say even if I know you couldn’t really see me.”

“I could a little. Your silhouette at least, and some glimpses. But what little I was able to see was enough to make me pause,” he said softly.

Her cheeks flamed more. “Thank you, but that was just me. No fancy choreography or anything.”

“I thought you-it-was beautiful,” he rambled, making Sansa giggle before she bit her lip. “Thank you.” What else could she say?

Silence enveloped them in the dark corner they chose to stay in. “I know why I’m here…but how…how about you?” he chose to break the silence.

Sansa played with the hem of her skirt. “I just wanted some peace and quiet,” she glanced over her shoulder and saw the outline of his back facing her. “I assume you do too?”

She saw his shoulders shaking as he chuckled. “Guilty.”

“You must be a big shot then,” she teased, “to hide all this way.”

“Try pesky friends,” he grumbled.

Sansa laughed then. “We have that in common then.”

Once their laughter died both of them tried to start a conversation at the same time.

“No, you go first.”

“No, ladies first.”

“Okay. Who or what brought you to the Manderly Ball?”

“Just old friends,” he answered.

Sansa smiled. “Me too. Friends who have made it their life mission to set me up with someone.”

He laughed loudly then. “Well, we have that in common. They’ve been trying to set me up with someone all night.”

Sansa rolled her eyes. “I know they mean well but I’d rather it happen when it happens, you know?”

He sighed. “Exactly.”

“Well, it’s a good thing we found each other instead,” Sansa laughed but faltered when she noticed he wasn’t laughing with her. She was supposed to follow it up by joking that hiding is easier if you’re hiding with someone with the same goal but all her words died in her mouth when she turned to look and saw dark eyes looking back at her instead.

Slowly, both of them inched closer together, just to look.

Sansa could feel his fingers near hers, his warm breath tickling her skin as they leaned closer.

And as she could finally see the grey in his eyes, she was back in that place.

Only this time, it wasn’t a dark and dusty ballroom, but a warm room with fire burning by the hearth, grey eyes now belonging to the man in her dreams, his scarred hand reaching to touch her face as he leaned closer, her eyes fluttered close in wait.

But what she expected never came as both of them pulled away fast at the erupting sound of fireworks, illuminating the partially covered glass skylight they didn’t realize was there before.

Before anyone could say anything, pieces of the fireworks started falling over the roof, the room illuminating and showing that the skylight had some cracks and there were broken holes, that they had to run and take cover.

Sansa was too filled with adrenaline and confusion to see if he was following her as she made her way out of the ballroom and back to the court.

But when she looked back, there was no one following her.

Was it even real?

#gotsecretsanta #weasleyrose #jonsa fic #jonsa #ladywolfmdfic

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lovemesomerafael · 4 years

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Destroying The Planet To Save It Chapter 10: That Opium Den Aesthetic

Chapters 1-5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Read It On AO3

It had been two days since the Quinjet crash, and although Bucky’s ribs weren’t entirely back to normal, his ankle was, and he’d be fully healed in another day or two. Bucky wasn’t the problem. Joss was.

She’d been wanting out of the hospital since the morning after the crash, as though major trauma surgery was some sort of drive-through event. She resisted anyone’s attempts to examine her incision and refused to take any pain medicine, insisting she didn’t need it. Bucky had to use every trick in his extensive repertoire to get her even to agree to a blood draw to check how she was recovering from her significant blood loss. She’d demanded to have her IV removed, in the end negotiating hard with her doctor, who’d eventually agreed to take it out if she would drink a specific amount of fluid every hour. Any less, and it would go back in. Bucky had seen bad patients. Hell, he was one. This was something different.

Joss’s second morning in the hospital started off well. She’d insisted that Bucky go to the hotel where the rest of the team was staying and get a good night’s sleep rather than dozing in a hard chair at her bedside, so when he arrived in the morning, they both felt good. With an impish smirk, he set a silver gift bag tied with a red ribbon on her overbed table before leaning down to kiss her on the top of her head. Her hair, loose and shiny where it fanned out on her pillow, smelled fresh and clean after the shower she’d already had that morning. She looked refreshed and infinitely better than when she’d been admitted; in fact, he discovered that what he had thought were bruises on her face and arms must have actually been leftover mud from the crash, and were gone now.

“What’s that?” She asked, indicating the bag.

“It’s a get well present for you. Open it.”

With a smile of childlike anticipation, Joss reached for the bag and put her hand in, pulling out a soft, tissue-wrapped bundle. There was a split second after she removed the tissue when Bucky watched her struggle not to react, but she lost the battle the moment she shifted her eyes to him and saw the shit-eating grin he wore.

“Damn it, Barnes,” she muttered, but she was laughing too hard for the words to have any bite.

The sleep pants were made of a soft flannel so fuzzy that she couldn’t resist rubbing it against her face, despite the fact that splashed all over the fabric was a small cartoon version of Bucky. The pajama top was basically a T-shirt, with a left sleeve decorated to look like Bucky’s arm, red star and all, and the same cartoon picture of Bucky emblazoned on the front.

She did her best to give him a murderous look, but it wasn’t very effective given her laughter and the adorable pink flush in her cheeks. Abandoning even the pretense that she wasn’t charmed, she got up and went into the bathroom, holding her hospital gown tightly behind her the whole way, to put them on. Bucky wasn’t sure how he felt about being a cartoon figure on pajamas, but he’d figured Joss was the kind of girl who could take a joke, and her reaction to his gift was even better than he’d hoped.

He was pleasantly surprised to see how well she was moving around, especially for only the second day after surgery. She was clearly in excellent shape, but abdominal surgery was abdominal surgery. It took some time to recover from. Still, he didn’t spend much energy worrying about it.

There was something captivating about the way Joss looked when she emerged wearing a top with Bucky’s cartoon image on it. She also looked much more comfortable in pajamas than in a hospital gown. She was smiling widely as she climbed back into the bed, with only a minor amount of guarding of her left side. “Would it ruin your joke if I actually think these are kind of awesome?”

“Not at all. I was just hoping you didn’t already have them,” he needled.

She tried another glare at that, with about as much success as her previous attempt. She shook her head as she said, “Laugh all you want. I ain’t even mad, because these are super comfy, and anything beats the hell out of a hospital gown. So thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Still, next time we’re in a plane crash, can I have Hawkeye ones?”

Bucky’s laugh escaped before he could stop it. He didn’t want to seem to encourage her, but he really liked the fact that she was such a wiseass. “We’ll see. Anyway, you look great in those. And I can’t believe how well you’re moving around.”

“Yeah, I feel fine. Arm doesn’t hurt at all. My side hurts some, but not even enough to need any pain medicine.” She frowned. “I want out of here.”

“C’mon, it’s only the second day. You can’t be ready to go home yet. We gonna have this problem again today?”

All humor had left her expression suddenly. “I kind of wanted to talk to you about that.”

“What?” He asked, turning his chair a little so he could face her more directly, leaning his elbows on the bed. That meant his hands settled naturally on her lower leg.

“Bucky, I… I have to get out of here. I’m leaving today. And I just wanted to, um... say thank you. For everything. Maybe not for the plane crash, but that wasn’t entirely your fault, and you did get me out-“

He completely ignored her attempts to joke. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m leaving here today. I need to get home.”

“You just had surgery! You’re-“

“Please,” she said, leaning toward him and putting her hands over his where they lay on her leg. “Just let me say this.”

“Joss-“

“I can’t explain. So don’t ask me to. I just didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye. I don’t suppose I’ll see you again, and I wanted to tell you that, you know, tornado and plane crash notwithstanding, I’ve really loved getting to spend time with you.”

Bucky had known Joss for about four days. He didn’t claim to know her well. But he’d always been pretty good at reading people, and over a life spent in battle of one sort of another, he’d also seen far more than his share of fear. Which was why Bucky suddenly knew, beyond any doubt, that Joss was terrified of something. She was actually doing a damn good job of hiding it; she’d deflected his attention from it for the entire previous day, and right up until this moment. But he knew he was right. And given what she’d just said, coupled with the expression he saw underneath her false humor, now that he was looking for it, a whole lot of things suddenly began to fit together in a new shape.

Bucky was reminded of a tenement fire he’d seen once in Brooklyn. Being typical young boys, he and Steve had gone running to the building to watch, expecting to see some cool flames, maybe some exciting heroics by the fire crews. They had seen some of those things, but the thing that had haunted ten-year-old Bucky for months afterward was the looks on the faces of those trapped on the upper floors. Grown men had stood in open windows, staring in wide-eyed terror at the flames consuming the rooms behind them, near-paralyzed with fear as they tried to find the courage to jump into the life net spread by the firefighters below.

Joss looked like that now. What danger was pursuing her that leaving the hospital far too soon was the better alternative?

“What’s going on with you? Why would you-“

She just shook her head and looked down at their joined hands. “Just… It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to thank you, and tell you that I’m glad I met you. But now I think you better go. People know who you are, and I don’t want you to get blamed for me breaking out of here.”

“Dammit, Joss, talk to me! What’s going on?”

“I can’t. Let’s not do a whole thing-“

“Just knock it off, will you? Quit treating me like a one-night stand. Maybe I can help.”

When Joss met Bucky’s eyes again, the fear was unveiled, along with a deep sorrow he hadn’t even known was there. “I’m sorry, Bucky. I meant what I said; I really like you. Please. Just go. It’s OK. I promise.”

For a long time, they engaged in a silent battle of wills that Joss won by cheating. Her large, brown eyes filled with tears. “Please,” she whispered. “I need to get out of here before the doctor comes by.”

“Tell me one thing.”

“What?”

“Are you running from me?”

She sighed before answering in a voice his enhanced hearing barely registered. “Not specifically.”

“What does that mean?”

“Bucky, I can’t-“

“Fine. Don’t tell me. But I’m coming with you.”

“No. You’re not.”

“Either we both go or neither of us do. I’m not letting you die.”

“I’m not going to die.”

“I know. Because I’m going with you.”

“Bucky-“

They both stiffened as they heard one of the nurses greet Joss’s surgeon. Joss’s pleading look hit Bucky harder than Steve’s fists ever had.

“You got shoes?” He asked.

*****

Bruce and Catherine had done all the work for which they needed to be in Catherine’s lab at Columbia, and both needed a break from the solid days of research they’d been doing. So on their way back to the tower, they took the opportunity to have lunch at a place Bruce liked nearby.

“This looks like a place you’d go,” Catherine mused, gazing around at the small, dim Thai restaurant with floor-to-ceiling partitions between each booth. The atmosphere was hushed, partly because there were few customers, and partly because the floor was thickly carpeted and the partitions were covered with fabric that absorbed sound.

Bruce looked around, a slight furrow between his eyebrows. “It does?”

“Oh, I like it, don’t get me wrong. It’s got a sort of opium den aesthetic. And I’m pretty sure if they were ever asked, everyone here would swear they’ve never seen you before.”

Bruce just grinned shyly at his lap.

“Bruce… I want to ask you something, and I don’t know how you’ll feel about it. Do you mind if I ask how things are going for you? With, you know…”

“My little problem?”

“Well, if you want to call him little.”

He actually smiled a bit at that. “I’m… working on it. Always working on making it stop, but also trying to figure out-“ He stumbled over what he meant to say.

“What?” She prodded gently.

“Well, he’s… useful sometimes, you know? I mean, there are some situations where a pissed off nine-foot, green beastie comes in awful handy.”

“Like with the Chitauri.”

“For one example. So, I mean… I’m not so sure now that getting rid of him entirely is the right end goal.”

“So controlling him, then?”

He sat back, pulling at his already-mussed hair in a way that made Catherine’s heart ache. “Well, that’s the problem. I think there’s a reason alcoholics just quit drinking entirely. Eliminating a threat seems a hell of a lot easier than controlling it.”

The waiter arrived then, and Catherine watched Bruce as he ordered, just letting herself appreciate the unruly curls in his perpetually-mussed hair, his soulful, dark eyes and little-boy smile. It hurt to look at him, and yet she couldn’t look away. She realized it and wanted to berate herself for indulging in the adolescent pastime of wallowing in her insipid emotions. She’d mercilessly mocked all those young girls crowded together to scream and cry whenever the Beatles appeared anywhere in the 1960’s. Yet here she was, doing basically the same thing. Bloody prat. Next, she’d be driving by the tower at night to see if the lights in his lab were on.

Bruce had introduced Catherine to Thai food in London. She’d never been adventurous when it came to food, and back then, she’d thought that all Thai food had to be spicy enough to burn a hole in your clothing if you spilled any. He’d wheedled her into trying it, which wasn’t hard with his irresistible pout. Besides which, she’d been so lost in love with him she’d have done it just because he wanted her to. Once she’d tried it, she quickly came to like it as much as she did, and they’d sought out great Thai places wherever they happened to be, including Thailand once.

In fact, they’d had Thai food on the night her world was destroyed.

Bruce had been in London working with a team using the radiation facilities at Brunel University. It had been a glorious two weeks; Bruce’s research was going well and Catherine had been able to indulge her desire to spoil him rotten the entire time he’d been staying in her flat.

That day, a Friday, was the last day Bruce’s team had use of the University’s equipment, which meant Bruce would be leaving for the U.S. the next day. Not wanting to miss one second of the time they’d had left, and knowing it was getting toward the end of her workday, Bruce had surprised Catherine by being in her office when she’d returned from a meeting. She could feel his impending departure in her bones, so seeing him in her office, looking rumpled and adorable while avidly reading a technical journal he had no business understanding, she hadn’t taken her eyes off him even as she locked her office door behind her.

He stood then, meeting her in the middle of the small room where their mouths met, their kisses sweet but demanding. They held each other close, stroking and touching almost immediately. There was nothing frantic about the way they removed each other’s clothing; they were tender with one another, but they both had a definite destination in mind. That destination was apparently standing with Catherine’s back to her heavy wooden desk, one leg wrapped around Bruce’s waist as he pumped into her. Catherine was still wearing her bra and Bruce his shirt, although it was completely unbuttoned.

She’d teased him on the way to dinner that he should order water to stay hydrated, given that she wasn’t done with him for the night. He’d laughed and dropped her hand in favor of putting his arm around her as they’d walked into one of their favorite Thai restaurants in Islington, just off the High Street. They’d laughed all through dinner, putting a brave face on their imminent separation, like always.

It happened when they left the restaurant. It was still early, maybe seven O’clock, as they walked toward Catherine’s flat, arm in arm and chatting animatedly about Bruce’s research and paying no attention to anything around them. It wasn’t even fully dark, but the men had been hiding in the shadows of a small walkway between two blocks of flats, waiting for someone just like Bruce and Catherine to come by. When they did, each was grabbed by one of the men and pulled into the dark of the walkway, shoved against one of the buildings and held there while a third threatened them with what looked like a butcher knife.

Bruce was ready to hand over anything they wanted. He’d begun to explain to the guy with the knife that he was reaching for his wallet. But Catherine had no such ideas. Her fury at being accosted, and the fear she tried to hide behind it, made her mouthy. Something she said, she’d never know which foulmouthed insult, flipped a switch in the one holding her. He grabbed her by the shoulders, shook her and then threw her back against the wall, smashing her head against the brick and knocking her half-unconscious. She slid down the wall, leaving a smear of blood. But the guy, entirely unhinged at that point, began to kick her and pummel her with his fists.

Through a red haze, Catherine saw only dim, confusing movement. But she heard English voices. First angry and threatening, then confused, then terrified, and finally screaming before going silent. Through it all, she could hear Bruce… What? Shouting? Maybe at first. But after a few moments, the noise he made could only be described as roaring. She had an impression of something – it seemed to be a person, but it was too big – moving quickly and throwing things. People. Throwing the men who had attacked them.

And then she was being lifted off the ground by impossibly large hands that felt more like stone than flesh, except that they were warm. And green.

She shook off some of the lethargy threatening to engulf her, screamed and began to try to struggle, but the massive green… man? Jumped, with her in his arms, from the alley to the roof of one of the three-story buildings on either side of the little walkway. At that point, she decided she must already be unconscious and dreaming or hallucinating, or whatever one did when one was unconscious. So she quit fighting it and closed her eyes, giving in to the onrushing darkness.

She’d awoken in a hospital bed with the worst headache she’d ever had and Bruce sitting in a chair next to her, refusing to look at her. It had taken a moment to realize that he was crying.

She couldn’t remember anymore what he’d said to her, the words he’d used to apologize, over and over, and to promise – as though she wanted it – that she would never have to see him again. But she would never forget the sound of his voice. The pain, the unspeakable shame, the regret and horror as he’d confessed his wretched secret. She’d tried to tell him that she loved him anyway. That she would face it with him, because he was worth everything, and anything was better than losing him. She’d begged him to stay, to listen to her, to trust her. He hadn’t heard a word.

In the end, she’d been sobbing and pleading even as he made his tearful exit from her hospital room, vowing never to put her in danger again and swearing that he would stay away from her. When her nurse had rushed to her bedside and seen the state she was in, her doctor had given orders to sedate her and call in her family.

Catherine blinked, suddenly finding herself in New York, almost three years later, with Bruce sitting across the table smiling quizzically at her.

“Huh?”

“It’s your turn to order,” he said. “Where’d you go?”

“Oh, I… Yeah, I… Sorry, I was…” She wasn’t about to tell Bruce that she’d just been remembering the night she met the Hulk and lost the love of her life. Instead, she looked up at the bored waiter and ordered the first thing she could think of.

*****

Even the early risers in the Villa didn’t get moving until mid-morning, so no one blinked when Sam and Anita’s first appearance downstairs occurred at almost noon. In fact, that was the reason the staff made breakfast by request until eleven, when they set out a sumptuous, buffet-style brunch featuring cold seafood, made-to-order omelettes, and a full array of morning-after drinks. Sam and Anita both opted for Bloody Marys, very quietly asking the bartender to add only a splash of vodka.

If anything could convince them that nothing was surprising or off-limits at one of Jarman Arias’s house parties, it was the amused good cheer with which Arias greeted them.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you two happily reunited this morning,” he crowed, smiling delightedly as he placed a hand on each of their shoulders in a loose approximation of a group hug.

Sam looked awkwardly down and took an ostentatiously large drink of his Bloody Mary. “Yeah, look, I’m sorry about last night. I get a little crazy when I drink sometimes.”

“Nonsense, nonsense,” Arias laughed. “With a woman as beautiful as Anita, any man would feel as you do.”

Sam cocked an eyebrow, apparently impressed. “You’re somethin’, Arias.”

“Well…” Arias shrugged, failing miserably to look humble.

“Listen, do you think we could just forget about last night? It wasn’t my finest moment.”

“Sam, my friend, it’s forgotten. We won’t speak of it again.”

“Good, because I was wonderin’, as many diversions as you got around here, you ever do any business during one of these things?”

The change in Arias raised the hairs on the back of Sam’s neck. He shrugged, but the predatory look in his eyes was unmistakable. “At times. What kind of business did you have in mind?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Sam answered, running a hand behind his neck as though he was uncomfortable and unable to hide it. “I just thought we might have a conversation. A quiet conversation.”

“I’m intrigued. Why don’t we spend some time together this afternoon? I like to practice my golf swing when I’m here. Do you golf?”

“I’m not sure you could call what I do golf, but…”

Arias laughed heartily. “Then meet me on the driving range. We’ll see if we can’t improve your swing. Say two O’clock?”

“I’ll be there,” Sam beamed.

Arias then turned his attention to Anita, who smiled beatifically at him, but remained at Sam’s side. “My dear, you look beautiful this morning.”

“Thank you, Papi. You’re not mad at me?”

Sam wouldn’t have been mad at her if she took a chainsaw to his dog, if she looked at him like that.

“Oh, mi flor, you’re a paisa. Our blood runs hotter than others’. Of course I understand.” She positively glowed as he took her hand to kiss it. “But. If you’ll excuse me, I must see to my other guests.”

Sam and Anita watched him hustle to the side of a couple, both of whom looked much the worse for wear, whom Anita told Sam were a Bolivian rock star and his model girlfriend. As if in response to a signal, Sam and Anita set their drinks down and turned toward the villa. As they tried to look casual sauntering across the patio, Sam unbuttoned his shirt and Anita removed the brightly-colored wrap covering her red bikini.

The villa was built on an artificial hill so that it overlooked the beach and commanded a spectacular view of miles of green-blue ocean. The main patio and lawn were on one level but, on the other side of the villa away from the beach, a lower level opened onto a spacious parking area. Sam and Anita had both independently discovered that the security hub of the house was in a corner of that lower level. Arias had given Anita a tour, and one of the guests, a telenovela star, had drunkenly shared with Sam that more than one of the important guests at the party were in thrall to Arias because the surveillance controlled from that room had given him ample material for blackmail over the years. After that, Sam had made sure to meet one of the men the telenovela star had told him was part of the team who did the monitoring.

Sam wasn’t sure he was up to this part, but he was game. He was about as straight as a man could be, but he figured flirting was flirting, and he was a grand master, if he did say so himself. He knocked on the door from the outside to the security room as he opened it and stepped in, Anita right behind him.

“Can we come in?” He smiled broadly as he ignored the fact that he was already there.

“Oh… Sam,” a young, reddish-haired man said, stumbling up from his chair in front of a bank of monitors and grinning uncomfortably.

“Hey, Keith. You said I could come by. Now a bad time?”

“No, it’s… Come on in.” The man named Keith looked suspiciously at Anita.

“This is my girlfriend, Anita. She wanted to come with me, is that OK?”

Keith looked a little disappointed. “Sure. Hey, Anita.”

She smiled happily at him. “Nice to meet you, finally. Sam’s been talking about you. He’s right. You are hot.”

Suddenly Keith wasn’t so disappointed anymore. In fact, he looked both excited and just a little frightened. Sam thought it was cute.

Anita winked at Keith and quite pointedly turned her back to introduce herself to the other two men in the room while Sam stepped closer to Keith.

“So, you said you’d show me this amazing system of yours?”

“Yeah, sure.”

The next fifteen minutes were a delicate dance, while Sam made his moves on Keith, and Anita did her best to make friends with the other two men who were supposed to be monitoring the feeds from the ridiculous number of cameras around the villa. Both Sam and Anita got crash courses in the system, although all they really needed to know was the specific locations of cameras in one particular area of the house. Nonetheless, they paid rapt attention to their hosts. Fortunately, the two guys Anita was entertaining paid rapt attention to her body straining the tensile strength of her bikini’s fabric.

Eventually, Sam worked his way to sitting on a rolling chair very close to Keith’s, their heads close together as Sam giggled and messed with buttons and Keith giggled back, playfully scolding him and resetting them. Anita leaned closer to her new friends.

“Hey, you guys, you think maybe we’re intruding on a bit of a moment?” She asked conspiratorially, tossing her head toward Sam and Keith, now whispering something to one another. “Maybe we should take a little break, huh?” She had their absolute, undivided attention as she pulled a fat joint from her bikini top.

She wasn’t surprised to see them agree quickly, especially because she slid a hand down each man’s arm, pulling them sweetly toward her and starting toward the door. As she passed through on the way outside, Anita glanced back to see Keith whispering something into Sam’s ear, Sam’s hand on his thigh.

The marijuana Anita offered the two guards was nothing like what Natasha had offered Santi and the other guards at Arias’s underground facility in Washington. Anita’s joint was, in fact, from Tony’s personal stash, and he’d guaranteed that anyone who took more than a hit or two would most definitely not be paying attention to detail afterward. By the time Anita and the two guards returned to the control room, she could see he’d been understating things. She was intrigued to see that Sam and Keith were actually trading tentative nips at each other’s lips when they returned, and Sam made sure that Keith wasn’t able to pay any more attention than the other two as Anita surreptitiously made a few adjustments to the sequence in which the program shuffled through camera feeds. Of course, she did it while leaning over far more than necessary, pretending to show her own targets something on one of the feeds while they goggled at her chest.

A while afterward, Sam and Anita smoothly and reluctantly wrapped up their visit to the control room, leaving all three men in no shape to pay much attention to which camera feeds were, or were not, showing as the monitors cycled through them.

“How stoned are you?” Sam asked, as they made their way from the control room to their next tasks.

“Just nicely toasted. I’ll be fine when it’s time. But I’ll tell you something. When this is over, I definitely gotta party with Tony Stark. That was some nice stuff. It was a damn crime to only pretend to inhale.”

“Be careful. I heard he had Snoop Dogg beggin’ for mercy once.”

“You know what? I can believe that.”

#The Avengers #The Winter Soldier #Captain America #Steve Rogers #Bucky Barnes #Bruce Banner #Sam Wilson #The Falcon #Clint Barton #Tony Stark

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