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ncteez · 3 years

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Definition of hate: Chapter Four

You’re entering the world of Johnny quicker than you expected but the pull of his energy is too strong to resist. After a heated make out session at your apartment, he sleeps over and brings you far more comfort than you ever expected him to. Not even a day later, Taeyong decides to spill the beans about Johnny’s ex, and Mark goes through a crisis that makes it a bit hard to express this new found desire for the man you hated less than a month ago.

reminder that this is a series. the description can be found linked below under the masterlist! please reblog the masterlist post, not the individual chapters!

WORDCOUNT → 15.4k

CHAPTER TAGS → grinding, kissing, mentions of reader having longer hair (sorry lol, I don’t even have long hair), discussions of feelings and boundaries, the start of falling in love, food mentions, bisexuality (taeyong), reader discusses her home-life, drug mentions, kind of sexting, masturbation, handjob, clit stimulation over panties

fic m.list

By the time you and Mark get to your apartment, you’re still trying to process why Johnny seemed to want you to leave so badly. You’re pulled out of your thoughts to Haechan, uninvited, running across the yard and following behind you inside. You don’t even get a moment to breathe before you’re answering questions.

“What did you guys talk about?”

“Where did you go?”

“Johnny kissed you! It’s all good right?!”

“Why aren’t you staying over?!”

You explain to them that you both admitted your feelings and that in the end it was you who kissed him. You explained that you had a moment with Johnny in the bathroom, then spent the rest of the party together by his laptop, which they should have already known.

“He said he liked me still, and that I was cute.” You breathe out.

“That’s good though?”

“Then he told me to go home, and that he needed to clean up.”

Both Haechan and Mark look at each other.

“I was going to ask If he wanted to come over here, not to like—y’know. I just wanted to spend more time with him, but before I could even ask, he said we needed to be sober for it.’

“Ahh.” Mark sighs out. “He made you feel like he already needs space, huh?”

“No, I mean. He’s allowed to have space. It just made me feel confused or like I’m already clinging too hard?”

“You’re not.” Haechan smiles at you. “Maybe he just didn’t want you to think he’d take advantage of you while you were drunk?”

“But I’m sober! I barely drank since we left the bathroom!” You bellow out in a groan.

“Just text him and ask him to come over again. I bet he won’t say no a second time. Tell him you’re sober.” Haechan offers again, looking to Mark for some backup.

“Isn’t that too desperate?” You question, still worried about how Johnny perceives you.

“You guys made out in our tiny disgusting bathroom.” Mark finally adds.

You try to say something, but he’s right. Maybe you’re both desperate. But clearly, you’re the only who yearns for his company more.

“Here, I’ll text him.” Mark says as he quickly grabs your phone and opens your messages. “Don’t worry, I won’t read anything you’ve already sent.”

You go to leap towards him to grab it back, but for some reason you don’t. Even Haechan is a little shocked.

“Oh look.” Haechan says as he leans in to see what Mark is typing. “Johnny is already typing!”

You cover your face as you see Mark blush slightly. It’s not that Johnny has sent anything yet, because the second Mark started typing something, Johnny stopped. It just seems like he’s intruding too much. But you’re letting him, so he assumes it’s a cry for help.

“There. Done.” Mark says gently, placing your phone in front of you so you can read the message.

You: hey, I’m not trying to seem clingy but I just wanted you to know that I’m actually sober and I wanted to spend more time with you. It’s ok if you’re tired though. I had fun, sleep well. Goodnight.

You groan again, because why does he type like you all of a sudden?

“Is that good? Did I do good?” Mark asks for reassurance before your phone dings, and then both Mark and Haechan’s phones ding.

beefy neighbor: I don’t think you’re clingy, I just didn’t want to make you feel smothered since you said you were exhausted

“Bro, he sent a screenshot.” Haechan laughs as he looks at their messages.

“Tell him to come over.” Mark laughs with him as you sit there and blush.

They’re planning to get Johnny over here for you, and suddenly you feel unprepared to see him again. So you blush, and then your phone dings again.

beefy neighbor: should I really go over?

You slap yourself in the forehead for Johnny out of embarrassment before sending a quick “yes.”

“I think he sent this to me instead of you guys—” You say in a pained laugh, still blushing.

“And you already responded!?” Haechan is practically rolling for the both of you as he laughs at how dumb Johnny can be.

“I bet he’s cursing himself right now,” Mark laughs with Haechan and then they pause. “Wait, we should probably go then—’

You were going to protest so it wasn’t as awkward, but then Johnny would know it was all Mark and Haechan’s doing to get him over here if they stay. He could probably read it plainly across their faces.

“He should know we are already over here though,” Haechan states in a matter of fact tone, but Mark counters him. “Yeah, but I doubt he’d think we would stay considering she did say she was exhausted.”

After little arguing you let them leave. Swiftly and in the sneakiest way possible, both of them hid behind the trash bin as Johnny made his way over to your apartment. This will be his first time inside, this is the first everything, you think.

He ignores the racoons around the trash bin behind him that definitely sounds like two of his best friends when you open the door and let him in. Somehow the entire atmosphere has changed in the short time you’d been apart from him. You stand away from the window so that he doesn’t see Haechan and Mark stumble like idiots back to the frat house and catch on.

“Sorry I didn’t walk you home.” Johnny finally says, trying not to look around too much so that you don’t think he’s judging.

“It’s okay, Mark got me here well enough.”

“I’ll thank him later I guess—” Johnny pauses as looks at your little couch. “Can I—like?? Can I sit?”

“Oh!” You say, trying your best not to be awkward as you immediately back yourself up and sit down first. “Come, you can sit!”

It’s silent again for a moment before he breathes out.

“Your apartment is cute.”

“It’s home, I guess.” You say back quickly. You begin to fidget a bit with one of the couch cushions before Johnny leans back and slouches again, like how he was when the party ended.

“Why is this so hard?” He questions in a slight whine, you can tell his frustration and you can kind of feel it too. “You wanted me to come over right?” He looks over at you and you finally look back at him.

“Yeah, I did.” You finally say. “Sorry if i’m being awkward...”

“No, no. It’s okay.” He says, his cheeks flushing under the pressure. “I must look dumb right? We both know I sent that text to you by mistake,”

“You always look dumb–” You say it with a smile as you finally lean back and slouch against the couch next to him. “I want to spend more time with you. I think it’ll be less weird if we get used to it.”

Johnny nods and keeps his eyes fixated on you.

“What would make it less awkward for you?” He asks quietly, grabbing your hand in his for the first time and holding it with ease.

“You seem to get over the awkwardness really quickly,” You comment as you look over at him, admiring how big and warm his hands are.

“No, I still feel awkward.”

“Then what about you? What would make it better for you?” You question as a counter.

“Talking about it more. About how we feel, about why we did the things we did, and why I reacted the way I did.” Johnny says it like he’s releasing pent up frustrations but, it’s warm and inviting in the way his voice croaks a bit at his tiredness. You realize he probably hadn’t been sleeping much considering the ordeal with Mark. You think about his ex, and if she’s wondering why he isn’t there right now.

“Okay. I’ll tell you something, you tell me something.” You say it with confidence, because the hard part is over.

“I didn’t like you because you made me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. I felt like you wanted to make fun of me every chance you got, and I liked getting a reaction out of you because it meant you cared enough about how I felt to argue back with me.”

Johnny laughs at your bluntness but responds without argument.

“I liked you but was mad that you rejected my very existence when most people force friendship on me. I was mad that you didn’t ask me for money, I was mad that you thought I would sleep around, I was mad that you judged me just because I tried to protect you from neighbors hearing you get off.”

You blush as you think back to that dreadful day with the vibrator.

“I hated that I couldn’t have my own space. I hated that I had to listen to your parties when I was trying to get my life together. I hated that I couldn’t feel good without you guys interrupting me, I hated that you were handsome and could have anyone you wanted, but you continued to pester me because I thought you just wanted to make fun of me.”

Johnny shoots back again.

“I was bothered that you spent time with my friends and didn’t even try to get to know me. It pissed me off when we finally started texting, then you’d come over to my house and have a drunken sleepover with two of my best friends without at least responding to my texts. I hated that I felt jealous over someone who didn’t even want to be with me, or even look in my direction.”

You pause and look at him, both of you continuing to spill and spill. The room feels less awkward now.

“I’m mad that we couldn’t communicate.” You say, gripping his hand tightly. “I hate that you went to your ex because of me. “

Johnny sighs and looks down at your hand in his.

“I can block her again if you want.”

You shake your head at him.

“It’s not really my place to tell you what you should do. It’s your choice, but I do like you. And I hope that you don’t see her anymore for your own sake based on what I’ve heard.”

“Ah, they’ve told you a lot, huh?” Johnny mumbles as he pulls out his phone. “I’ll block her anyway, I’ve got you now, right?”

The way he needs constant reassurance is so foreign to you, you really don’t know how to answer.

“I mean, we like each other, right? I’d hope you didn’t have feelings for someone else at least.”

“I don’t, so there. Done.” Johnny says it as if he’s proud of himself, and then he lets his body lean in towards you. He lies against your shoulder and looks up at you.

“I hated that our first kiss was to fend off some dude in my own home.” He mumbles.

“I hated that our second kiss was in your disgusting downstairs bathroom as if you didn’t have a nicer or more clean one upstairs.” You joke.

He laughs in mock pain as he leans away from you and sits up. Johnny is floored at how your makeup has slightly faded compared to before, and the way your eyes blink slowly at him, probably from the fact that you’ve gotten wasted and sobered up today. He couldn’t bare to look at himself right now, having not showered at all and only dousing himself in various colognes he finds in his bathroom at home.

“I must stink, huh?” He laughs at himself, suddenly feeling disgusting compared to you.

“I think you smell like you.” You say back with such ease it almost shocks him.

“I always smell this bad?”

“Yeah.” You laugh, kicking him gently with your foot. “You stink of expensive cologne and sweat.”

“It wasn’t even that expensive!” He defends himself as he tries to secretly take a whiff of himself.

“By whose standards? Yours? Hah—don’t make me laugh!”

“Please, you’re the one who still found a way to smell me even though you claimed you didn’t like me—weirdo.” He puts finger in the air, you can tell he’s about to mock you “Plus, you’re cute when you laugh.”

“Be funnier.”

Silence.

And then you both laugh at the sheer exhaustion you feel. Laugh at the way all of this was so unnecessary, laugh at the way you practically raced each other to heartbreak before holding hands at the finish line and walking away together.

You don’t know what you are with him, but you’re comfortable.

“Hey–Y/n?” Johnny finally says and hearing your name this time felt soft and sincere. You look back at him and feel like you fit. Like this could go somewhere.

“You’re not going to push me away anymore again?” He says it as he leans back into you, and you can see his chest rising and falling with each breath.

“I—don’t think I want to push you away. I don’t think I ever wanted to.”

“That’s good.” He sighs again, and simply leans in to kiss you quickly. So fast that before you even close your eyes, he’s pulling back again. “And I’m allowed to kiss you now?”

You nod, internally smiling at the fact that he already did.

He kisses you again, quickly. Then he leans back to his claimed spot on the couch so that you’re the one that needs to move closer. When you do, ready to kiss him again you stop and look at his lips. The way his natural pout appears even when he seems happy and content is something new you’re noticing. You’d never really looked at his face this closely, even in the bathroom, you weren’t focused on his lips in the moment because it was happening so fast.

He lets you examine his face, all of his imperfections and biggest insecurities. He’s the one who feels vulnerable, but there’s no other place he would rather be at this moment. Just staring back at you and seeing your eyes dart from his lips, back to his eyes, to his nose and to his neck. Then he feels you run your fingers through his hair right at the nape of his neck. A small sigh rolls out of his throat and you tilt your head at him. Making note that he must like his hair played with. So, you keep doing that before finally kissing him again. Thinking about the way his cupids bow feels soft against your own lips, and the way, just like before, his arm shoots around your waist.

He seems to have a way of doing things like this, and you cant help but feel like it’s deliberate and slow because he wants you to feel cared for. You never put so much thought into a kiss before, even if the two of you are sitting in this weird side-by-side position and it’s making your neck hurt. You wonder if he feels like the position is off too, but you’re too afraid to like—move to deepen the kiss past where it is now. You’re thinking too much, trying to accommodate him too much, trying to keep yourself in line. This isn’t what kissing is supposed to be, and though it’s loving, it still feels awkward.

You kind of hint at wanting a more comfortable position to accommodate what you’re both trying to do right now and almost instantly Johnny takes the hint. Without hesitation he places a hand at the back of your head and holds your lips against his as he pulls you onto him. Though much more comfortable, you laugh into the kiss because you just wanted a little more comfort but he went ahead and greenlighted a position that has your cheeks heating up as you try to adjust yourself in a way that doesn’t—yknow—get too saucy.

You try your best not to move much, despite Johnny’s warm hands around your waist. He’s not pushing you, nor is he pulling. Instead, he’s just kissing you. Deepening it by the minute, you figured it would feel weird in such a silent space with the lights on but, it feels more like what a kiss should be. Uncaring of the surrounding, and instead focused on his lips against yours.

You continue to run your fingers through his hair because each time you do, you can feel him fight over which sensation to lean into. The kiss or your fingertips, you take this opportunity to go ahead and use your other hand and run his hair out of his face before pressing it firmly against the nape of his neck. He sighs out and you can feel him holding back but, honestly, it’s probably the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. Filling you with confidence that you have this big, dorky, arrogant man wanting you to kiss him this badly.

You pull back in a breath and look at the way his eyes gently open to meet yours. You never would have placed yourself in this situation if you think back. You would have gagged at the thought of even looking at him, better yet touching him, being on him.

Before he can even say anything, you lean in and kiss just once on his jaw before pulling back. It’s probably a funny scene to look at from the outside, you’re straddling this man, kissing him but refusing to so much as grind a little bit because you don’t know what the boundary is. You don’t know how far is too far, or how early is too early. You kiss against his jaw again, this time a little lower. You know he must have a sensitive neck in the way he swallows with anticipation. You wonder if he’s holding back too, because he has barely moved since he pulled you on top of him.

“Tell me if you want me to stop?” You finally say in a somewhat breathless way and he simply nods back to you.

“Tell if you want me to start?”

God, you want to slap him in his dumb face for sliding in a joke like that, but his face is serious and he’s asking if he’s allowed to move even a little bit.

“That sounded stupid—” He corrects himself. “I mean like, um,” He trails off, eyes glancing away from you.

Johnny, somehow, makes himself seem so small though he could very easily be the one in charge, and you’d kind of like that if you’re being honest. You wonder if he’s just scared to do too much.

“Do what feels natural, lets stop thinking so much,” You finally say back and again fall back into the kiss. Hoping that you can follow your own advice instead of waiting for him to give you a green light.

Only a few moments go by before he’s moving his hands around and finding the small lift of your shirt in the back. He simply wants to feel your skin, a place where he’s never touched before and you don’t shy away. Instead, you take the initiative to arch your back a little, only slightly grinding against him when you do it. You feel his excitement when he kisses you then, the way his warm hands lay against your skin and when he tilts his chin up a bit more towards you so that he can lick into your mouth in a rhythmic way that sends a shiver down your skin. He can feel the goosebumps against you when it happens and doesn’t hesitate this time to slightly rock you against him.

The feeling of him under you has you a bit breathless as you let him rock your body against his own to his liking. You like it too but, you continue to focus on kissing him, running your hands through his hair, and feeling the warmth of his tongue. It feels heated and finally, it feels natural.

Then he groans. Just a little bit, and you can feel him against your ass when he presses you against him. You get the feeling in your gut that makes you want to help him, maybe grind a little bit on your own so his hands can explore.

When you press against him on your own, a little more pressure than he was getting before, his hands fall away from your waist and instantly shoot to your face. You assumed he would grope or grab but instead he is holding your cheeks and kissing you harder than before by skewing the angle of your lips. The both of you are breathless before he pulls back from the kiss and just watches the way your body moves slightly on top of him.

Johnny knows you’re not grinding to full potential and it’s okay. It feels okay, it feels good for both of you given the outfits you’re wearing are not offering much comfort.

You grind against him again and see the way he’s looking at you by the time his eyes meet yours again. You don’t want to be arrogant, you don’t want to seem like you deserve him, and you definitely don’t want to get your hopes up but—there is something different in his eyes when he looks at you.

Making out is one thing, but heavy petting feels overwhelming and new though you both have had your fair share of it before. You feel out of balance, the room is too bright, it’s too quiet, and your shorts are starting to rub a rash on your inner thighs—but it’s with Johnny.

“Y/n…” He sighs out, and his lips look red and slack as he continues to look up at you.

You slow your hips, feeling the burn on your thighs as you answer him, “Yeah?”

“I really like what you’re doing—” He pauses to swallow, probably cursing himself for what he’s about to say. “But I can see your shorts rubbing you raw.”

“I’m okay, It’s okay.” You stop and lean in to kiss him again. It’s quick, and short.

“I um—” He laughs at himself. “I’m also being rubbed raw.”

You quickly pull yourself off of him and throw out an apology in embarrassment. It feels like the entire moment is ruined. You feel seen, allowing your legs to go raw because maybe, yeah, you started to feel a little desperate for him while on top of him.

“No, no!” He is quick to reassure. “It felt good! I just—I was getting too excited but, jeans rub yknow?”

“Yeah, I get it! I’m sorry!”

Johnny feels kind of bad now, but in all honesty he probably would’ve came in his pants if he didn’t ask you to stop. Which would have been more embarrassing, he thinks. Despite the pain of his jeans, he really did enjoy it. Looking at your legs though, swelling under the hem of your shorts…that. That was getting to him in a way that he likely wouldn’t have stopped himself from taking them off of you, kissing the swell. He doesn’t want to go too far, too fast for you.

“Do you want me to go home?” He questions, feeling bad.

“No, I like that you’re here.” You say back in a small voice, feeling the heat from your lower region radiate in an uncomfortable way. Maybe it’s best you stopped, because your legs really are starting to burn more and more. You can’t imagine how Johnny feels considering the exact region that was being rubbed against.

“Do you want me to stay over?” He asks again, hoping.

You glance up at your clock and it’s already four in the morning.

“Would you?” You ask, knowing that he has no expectations or plans in mind for it. Both of you are spinning in awkwardness and comfort, you think the company is nice and you highly doubt he wants to go home considering how happy you are to ask him to stay.

“I will but—um,” He seems unsure, “I can’t sleep in these pants.”

You laugh about it, but you don’t look down to see what he’s working with because you’ve already felt it against you. You’re already a blushing mess, the last thing you need is to pass out.

“I can sleep on the couch! It’s okay!”

“If you’d feel more comfortable with that, you can. But my bed is big enough, I don’t feel uncomfortable around you.”

“Oh—” Johnny says in surprise. “Even without pants?”

Finding boundaries is harder than he wants it to be right now.

“Johnny.” You say sternly, placing your hand on his thigh. “We’ve made out three times in one night. Haechan has flashed me by accident, Mark has seen me pee.” You try to reassure him but it ends up being embarrassing.

“What.” Johnny says blankly.

“Nevermind that, I’m just saying. You’re fine if you don’t want to wear pants!” You say it like you’re arguing but he’s fond of it. If he thinks hard enough, it’s almost like you’re asking him to take his pants off.

“What if I’m naked under these?”

You flush again, surely he’s not. Right?

“But you’re not.” You reassure yourself.

“You’re right, I have briefs on but they’re embarrassing.”

“Then I wont look?” You ask him, still wondering if he’s going to accept the invite to your bed.

“Bullshit! You’ll look, don’t lie.”

“Okay, true but what if like—” You laugh at yourself because less than ten minutes ago the two of you were getting hot and heavy, and now you’re arguing about denim rashes and whether or not Johnny should keep his pants on. “What if I take off my shorts, you take off your pants, neither of us look. There? Fair?”

Johnny squints his eyes at you.

“You really think I’m not going to look?”

“You think I wont look either?” You laugh back.

“Okay the pants stay on. I was unprepared.”

“Sad for you, I came prepared because Haechan told me to.” You laugh at the way the color runs from his cheeks and he opens his mouth like he’s shocked.

“Okay, pants off then.” Johnny relents, standing up and uncomfortably revealing what he’s sporting in his tight skinny jeans. You can see that the zipper probably did some damage, but you look away as you hear him unzip and unbutton the jeans. The sound alone enough to send your thoughts into the gutter of what could have happened moment ago had the two of you not been so fucking awkward.

“Okay you can sleep on the couch!” You yell as you pace to your room and slam the door.

You realize that Johnny is in your apartment, what you guys just did, and the whole situation of asking him to sleep over. Now, he’s taking off his pants so he can see what you wore just in case. And Goddammit, why were you so sly in telling him?! Haechan told you to dress with easy access, you didn’t, but you sure as fuck put on the cutest bra and pair of panties of own! You weren’t even if sure if anything was going to happen. You didn’t think you’d actually even talk to him, yet here you are, slipping off your shorts and throwing yourself under your blankets, trying to pretend like Johnny wont waltz in here and embarrass himself to the point of making you feel like he deserves a peek.

You can hear him shuffling around and you realize you never showed him around your apartment. It’s small enough for him to find his way though, you’re sure. But what if he really does just sleep on the couch? A nightmare. The audacity he would have if he slept on the couch after such an invite from you! But, part of you thinks he totally would, just to get a rise out of you. Just to see if you would stomp in there and demand he sleep in your bed. Would you even do that in this situation? Damn right you would.

The shame is gone, the guilt still stays from how you treated him before but he seems so eager to forgive and forget. As long as it means things can stay like this, you’re more willing than you’d like to admit that you would throw yourself head first into everything that is Johnny Suh.

A year ago you only seen him as a nameless neighbor. A month ago you hated him. And now? You guess people really do change, you just never thought it would be you to break and allow yourself the pleasures of life, at least not before finishing your degree. In all fairness, your energy levels have sky rocketed since meeting them officially, even if a lot of that energy was negative. You’re kind of excited to see how the next semester will play out now that you genuinely enjoy where you live, who you’re around, and – fuck. You realize college will end. This will all come to and end, everyone will get their degrees and part ways. You always thought about your future to the point of nearly killing yourself for it, but did you even stop to think that you’d really make it? That you’d be happy during the journey? That you could lose everyone you met through it?

Then you remember why you avoided friendships, relationships, and even a late-night drink. Are you loosening up too much? Or are you just happy?

Is being happy always this scary?

“Knock knock?” You hear his voice on the other side of your door, and you sink further into your mattress, wondering why you allowed yourself to get so anxious again.

The door creaks open though you didn’t respond to his vocal knocks. You stare up at him as you peek from the edge of your blanket, knowing how much more bare you are than him. You take a moment to admire the stupidly bright and patterned briefs he had on, and swallowed once at the swollen lump they’re hiding.

“You said you wouldn’t look—” He says as he places his hands uncomfortably in front of his briefs. You can see his arms flex, his chest is naked and bare in front of you and it’s actually more distracting than the briefs.

“No, I said I would look.” You shoot back, voice a little shaky at the realization of your situation, fears of the future, and Johnny as a whole. He’s too hot, too caring, too….Johnny.

“Disrespectful.” He shoots, trying to shimmy his way to the other side of your bed without letting you get too much of a look at the briefs. “You’re a pervert.” He finally adds as he watches the way your eyes stare him down, smirking to himself, feeling on top of the world.

He stops for a moment as he pulls the blankets up to crawl into your bed next to you, briefs in full view as he realized that you’d taken off your shirt as well as shorts, still covering the bits in the matching underwear you’d chosen for that night.

“Oh–“ He says with a deep sigh, averting his eyes to anywhere but you as he sinks into your bed beside you. His body is stiff as he lies next to you, wanting to touch, cuddle, grope, kiss—but he keeps his composure. It’s his first time seeing you like this, the most he’s seen is a shoulder blade from the facetime call when you were in a towel.

“Are you freaked out?” You question, noticing his level of discomfort. “I can put a shirt back on—” You hope he declines, because you can practically feel the heat radiating from his skin the moment he’s next to you. So warm.

“No!” He almost shouts it, embarrassing himself. “Just still don’t know what the boundaries are…” He trails off, looking at the way you sit up and expose your back to him.

“I don’t even know what my boundaries are.” You say with a soft voice as you turn back to look at him and the way his messy hair lays against the pillow. “You know what ‘no’ means though, right?”

“Of course I do?”

“Have I said it yet?” You look away, wondering what your own intentions are.

“No… “ He answers in a whisper, furrowing his brows at you.

“Then I guess you haven’t reached the boundary yet.”

You look back at each other for a long moment before you flop yourself back down next to him, hair hitting him in the face before you pull it away from him in annoyance. “Really should get a hair cut—” You pause as you feel him shift onto his side towards you.

You’re too afraid to turn to face him, to look at him as closely as you did before but you can feel his eyes scanning over you. Your body is completely covered just like his own, but you feel like you’re laid out bare right now.

“This is the first time I’ve had someone in this bed with me.” You say nonchalantly, swallowing thickly as you feel him stare at you. You continue to look at the ceiling, trying to feel calm. You realize you haven’t washed your face, brushed your teeth, or even brushed your hair.

“Lucky me~” He sings out, but you can feel his breath on your cheek, that’s when you realize just how close he is to you.

“Are you okay with this?” He asks as he slowly traces his fingers over your stomach before clasping his arm around your hip.

“I’ll tell you if I’m not okay—” You finally turn to look at him, and his eyes look so sleepy and droopy. His lips are parted and you can tell he’s quite literally fighting his urge to sleep.

“Johnny?” You say, and he opens his eyes fully again. “We should do things without thinking about the outcome so much,” You pause, wondering if it’s too much to talk about when he’s very nearly passing out next to you. “I don’t want to be afraid for the future anymore.” You continue, and you can feel his finger tips lazily start tracing shapes against your skin. “Lets tell each other from now on if it’s too much, or too little, okay?”

He nods against you as you watch his face go slightly more slack.

“You were so awake a few minutes ago, you must be tired—” You whisper out to him, still feeling wide awake. “Promise we will find our boundaries together?”

Johnny opens his eyes and looks at you.

“Together.” He confirms to himself. “I’d like that.” His voice is raspy and soft, he smells stale and you’re sure you do too at this point. But it’s comforting. It’s what you are at this moment, it’s what Johnny is. Yourselves. Scared shitless but ready to try.

And as you look at him, he very quickly falls asleep. You can tell by the way he parts his lips and starts to snore almost as loudly as Taeyong did. It’s embarrassing, but at least you’re smiling.

That night you allow yourself to fall asleep enveloped by him. His heavy limbs overtaking your entire body when he throws them over you. He moves around a lot in his sleep, but it’s nice when you’re waking up several different times through the night just to see which position he found the most comfortable.

The last time you woke up, it was because the feeling of him over you was no longer present. When you opened your eyes you found him curled up on his side and facing away from you. You felt no offense over it because you like to sleep the same way. So, you take this chance to cuddle up close against his back as you curl into him.

You didn’t wake again until morning and when you did, he was still there, still asleep, still looking vulnerable in his stupid briefs. You want to make breakfast.

You replay it time and time again in your head, every second of the day when you’re awake. When you’re asleep, sometimes you dream about it. You feel like you’ve been drenched in sweet colors and lights when you remember the way he kissed you the morning after he slept over. You didn’t feel empty when he left despite the silence.

That silence was short lived when you checked your phone to see, as usual, Haechan and Mark prying in the private chat. You were shocked this time to see both Taeyong and Jaehyun were added to the original group chat you shared with Johnny, Mark, and Haechan. Even those two were being annoying about it.

Yong: johnny walked in the house with a boner

Jaehyun: shes still playing hard to get lmao

Jaehyun: I felt bad for him

Mark: yall do realize this isn’t the right group chat right?

Yong: no I kno I just wanted her to make fun of him with me

Jaehyun: y/n why you leaving our boy john to take care of himself

Haechan: looooooooooool im gonna go over and see if shes all bothered too

Johnny: it was just my zipper! I didn’t zip it!

Yong: oh so you DID get some

Johnny: NO I JUST FORGOT TO ZIP IT

Yong: why was it unzipped in the first place

Jaehyun: yeah johnny why was it unzipped

The messages stopped there for a few minutes before Mark texted again.

Mark: johnny is about to fight taeyong and jaehyun in the kitchen better get over here fast

Mark: y/n?

Mark: im coming over

Haechan: ME TOO

And so here you are, sitting at your kitchen table as Mark assures you that Johnny did not have a boner, and Haechan is laughing because he definitely did.

“So, for real though,” Mark goes to ask and then looks around your apartment. “What happened? Did you guys like…yknow?”

Haechan leans forward to the point of the chair nearly slipping out from under him and you snort a bit at their excitement. It’s so funny how invested they are, you hate to disappoint,

“We didn’t—” You say sternly before smiling. “But we still had some fun.”

Mark’s mouth falls open. “That explains the boner.”

“You said he didn’t have one!” You mock him.

“Dude, you clearly saw it when he left.” Mark corrects you and ends the joke there. “You did it, you told him, and then you blue balled him.”

“Now he’s in his room crying.” Haechan adds, chef kissing his fingers. “Beautiful!”

“I mean,” You shrug as if you’re proud of yourself. “It’s not like I wouldn’t have. But we are still trying to like, get a feel of eachother I guess?”

“A feel huh?” Haechan laughs, leaning his elbows on the table and smiling at you.

“I guess you could say that?”

Mark smiles fondly at you, he’s proud of you for coming out of your shell, for admitting your feelings and ultimately because you seem to be letting yourself feel happy.

“When are you guys gonna hang out again?” Mark asks, still looking at you like a proud dad.

“I dunno, whenever I get invited over I guess?”

“You literally have free reign over our place, just come over?” Mark questions you, wondering why they always need to invite you over when they literally just walk into your apartment like they own it at this point. “Just think of it as your second house. We always have room for you.”

You smile at him and then look down.

“It’s kind of stupid but—” You look back up at them, sharing a look between the two. “I like to feel wanted. When I’m invited it means you guys want to see me.”

“We always want to see you.” Haechan says sternly then leans forward to grab your hand. “Johnny definitely always wants to see you—” Mark interrupts him. “I think Johnny would cry if you came over uninvited saying you wanted to see him.”

You smile again, they must like to feel wanted too. Maybe inviting you all the time makes them feel annoying or pushy, so maybe you should just show up on your own sometimes. You’re like 50 feet from their front door when you’re sitting on your couch. You can’t imagine going a day without at least seeing one of them. Whether it be as a group or one on one. You’ve yet to have one on one time with Taeyong or Jaehyun, maybe you should extend an invite.

You pull out your phone.

“What’re ya doing?” Mark asks, looking at your phone.

“Texting Taeyong.”

“Oh?” Haechan perks up in curiosity.

Both of their phones vibrate with the group chat message.

You: I am choosing to ignore the conversation above. Taeyong if you’re done getting your ass kicked, do you want to come over?

Yong: wait

Yong: me?

You: yeah? If you don’t want to we can try another time! You seem pretty busy tbh

Jaehyun: what about me :(

Yong: shut up she asked for me

You: ok cool, door is unlocked when you have time!

You laugh at how quickly Johnny texted you separately from the rest of them. You assume it may have made him feel left out, so you’re quick to open the text.

beefy neighbor: wow are you already tired of me? Lmao just kidding, have fun today!

You know he partially meant what he said, because you’re the same way.

You: I just wanted to try and have more one on one time with everyone. Ill text you when he leaves

Johnny is typing, but he stops. Then he types again. Mark looks over your shoulder and gets a glimpse of the texts.

“Oh my god, he totally misses you.”

“Tell him you miss him first; it’ll make him get a boner again” Haechan adds on to Mark’s annoying comment. You do exactly what they tell you to do.

You: miss you

He keeps typing then stopping again and you start to feel embarrassed. Just as you go to yell at Mark and Haechan as a pair, he finally texts back.

beefy neighbor: Already? Weirdo

You glare at the two men in front of you and show them his message.

“You guys made me look stupid.”

“Read the new text.” Mark says, blushing and averting his eyes. Haechan slaps him in excitement with a smile. “They’re in looooooove!”

You lift a brow and flip your phone back to yourself before instantly turning red.

beefy neighbor: miss your lips

beefy neighbor: and you!!! not just your lips lol

You barely know how to respond to that. It’s been a long, long time since anyone has ever said anything like that to you. It’s been even longer since someone was able to get such a reaction out of you.

“You’re blushing so hard right now.” Mark comments as he squints at you to make you feel as vulnerable as possible. “Sorry I had to see that though.”

“No you’re not.” You shoot back as you wonder what you’re supposed to say back to Johnny. You can’t just leave him hanging right? Be casual.

You: pervert.

You: thank you for missing me back

You still feel stupid for responding that way, making yourself look weak but you don’t mind if it’s Johnny who sees it.

“So, I guess Taeyong is coming over today,” You look back at the two men who are firmly planted in their seats. “Leave.”

“What? Why?!” Haechan protests followed by Mark tilting his head in question at you.

“Guys, I’m trying to have a one on one with everyone. Not just you.”

They both huff and look at each other.

“I was getting bored anyway,” Mark tries to say to make you feel guilty, but he knows it doesn’t work when you look at him in a way that has him buckling in on himself. “It was a joke! Sheesh!” He sighs as he pulls himself up and drags Haechan with him.

“I thought you loved me.” Haechan asks as he gets pulled to the door, trying to be stupidly dramatic, and it works.

“You dumb bitch, I love both of you!” You shout as you stand up to follow behind them. Without hesitation you hug them both, starting to feel a little bad for kicking them out just to hang out with Taeyong.

“You guys act like it’s the literal end of the world.” You laugh, feeling good today. “You have other friends too, go give them some love.”

“She’s right, I actually have to work in a few hours too.” Haechan says, finally letting his childish side simmer down a bit. “Wanna come get some free coffee?” He asks towards Mark as they’re let outside.

“Hey, go ahead and send Taeyong over! Tell him I don’t have anything to eat!” You shout after them.

Mark waves behind him as they make their way next door. And now you’re alone for at least a few minutes.

You flop down on the couch and just stare up for a moment. You can still smell Johnny somehow, and you wonder if you’re just exaggerating but the scent is right there. You lean into it for a moment before pulling yourself up and rushing to your bedroom. You leap into your bed and roll around for a moment, feeling like a pet attempting to pick up a scent that isn’t your own so that you can claim it for yourself.

This is stupid. Why didn’t you take more time to take in the way he smells so sickeningly musky in a way that draws you in entirely? Why did you hold back? Sure, finding boundaries and all of that shit but like— after spending the moments you have with him, you don’t think Johnny could ever reach a boundary. He’s been so respectful, and funny, and lovable, and soft, and just so overwhelmingly good. Why didn’t you see it before?

You’ve had these men, who you could very confidentially call your best friends, right fucking next to you this whole time. And you were so insufferable towards them. You’re so lucky to have them, they’re so unlucky to have you. But it’s what they want, right? That’s why you’re in group chats. That’s why you’ve been invited time and time again to their parties even before you knew their names? It’s why they tried to break into your apartment for you, why they told you they heard you moaning, why they invited you to their ‘strictly bro’ hangouts getting drunk at a movie theater, right?

Your heart is so full, you love them. You love all of them to the very core and it’s almost terrifying how much of yourself you’re suddenly so willing to throw at them. It doesn’t matter if you part ways after college. The feeling you have around that stupid fucking frat can’t be broken by distance, there’s no fucking way. You can imagine it now, off at your first job when Haechan shows up with a half incorrect coffee order, and you tip him 300% because you just adore him so much. Buying Mark’s art from his first official website, paying out the ass for his talent so you can brag about him to other people. Holding Johnny’s hand either every day or every weekend, you don’t care if he lives in the same city, as long as you can still just see him and be close to him. You’ve yet to learn enough about Jaehyun or Taeyong but you know they could fit into your future visions easily.

Then you realize how you’re looking at the future, how you hope for a future with Johnny, surrounded by friends and love and comfort. You don’t feel scared this time. You can work just as hard on your relationships as you do your studies right? It’s not only your career that you want to work out in the end now, you have to put in the effort in every aspect of your life.

You still don’t even know where you and Johnny stand, but you’re happy where you are and, dare you say it, excited to see where it leads.

Your phone vibrates.

Yong: you invite me over and youre not even gonna feed me?

Yong: want me to bring food or?

You laugh because you’re honestly the worst host.

You: you can bring snacks, but we can go see Haechan at work later and try to bribe him for free food

Yong: is he even allowed to do that?

Mark: idk he said I could have free coffee but I don’t really wanna go anywhere today, you guys should take up his offer and annoy him

Yong: snacks it is, ill be over in a few

You: nice, see you soon

Haechan: yaaaaaaay come see me at work!! I start my ship at 5!!!

With that, you wait patiently for Taeyong.

It was awkward at first. Taeyong walking in, acting the way he usually would. Stiff, posture almost perfect, hair in an intentional mess that frames his face in a way that’s almost feminine. When you look at him as he awkwardly stands in your kitchen with snacks in his hands, you find yourself thinking about how intimidating he would be on the street as a stranger. You’d be afraid to approach him.

“You’re intimidating, yknow that?” You comment as you finally go to help put the snacks down. He looks to you with a warm smile, though usually he is snide.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.” He clicks his tongue as he accidentally lets a container of oreos fall on your floor. “Not sure why people think that— but I like it. Lets me keep my circle small.”

You nod in agreement because you get it. Maybe he’s like you, not really wanting friends. Maybe the rest of the frat wiggled their way into his heart like they did to you.

“So, how did you meet the guys?” You say as you reach down for the oreos and sighing in relief when you see that nothing spilled onto your floor.

“Thanks,” Taeyong says as you pick up his accidental mess, finally flopping down onto the kitchen chair and grabbing the oreos from you. He opens the package with a loud ‘rip’ and stuffs one in his mouth before breathing through his nose and shooting his eyes back to you.

If Taeyong were anything other than human, you’d think he would be like…a piercing needle or a tattoo gun or something. Attractive as hell, kind of has a dangerous vibe about him but for some reason you think he’s probably never hurt another person in his life.

“I met Johnny first.” He comments, sighing out like he’s about to spill the beans. “Remember the ex I mentioned?”

You nod at him and his confidence. He doesn’t feel awkward with you at all, and you’re thankful because one on ones can be hard to get going.

“She cheated on him, and like—” He pops another oreo in his mouth. “They were together for like, what? Two years?”

You nod like you knew that.

“I met Johnny when they first started dating, because I’d see her come into the theater with other guys all the time.” He laughs like it’s some sort of joke, but you just kind of look down.

“I snitched.” He laughs again. “Like, I always saw him with her on campus, and I remember seeing him give her some expensive and elaborate gift.” He throws an oreo at you and you gladly pop it into your mouth as he continues. “So like, as soon as I saw him without her I was like ‘hey man I work at the theater’—” He groans out. “He looked at me like, ‘okay?’ and I swear I just wanted to slap the shit out of him.”

You laugh because you assume Johnny isn’t the best at first impressions, and also because Taeyong seems to really love spilling all of the details about Johnny’s past.

“Then I was like, she’s totally cheating on you dude and, he didn’t believe me at first.” Taeyong adjusts his posture and leans forward to grab a saltier snack. Smart choice. “I guess he found out on his own not long after, admitting that he knew.”

“And he stayed with her?” You grimace at the idea.

“That’s kind of how I learned how stubborn he is. He stayed with her for so long, even after knowing what she does behind his back.”

You feel sad about it. She must have really taken advantage of him.

“Some dude was here before me, but it turned out that she cheated on Johnny with him too—” He groans again out of annoyance. “So, he asked if I wanted a good deal, like he invited me to the frat to hang out a few times before the fact of course.”

You continue to nod, glad that he seems to enjoy talking. He’s a good storyteller.

“On the down low he offered my rent at a cheaper price in exchange for sabotaging his so called ‘friend’ that slept with his girlfriend.” Taeyong shrugs. “I mean, I asked him why he was still with her if he cared so much, and that’s also kinda how I learned how Johnny is with his feelings.”

You listen intently and with purpose, though it feels so private.

“Apparently, he took ages just to admit his feelings to her, and it was proven when he did that to you too. Personally, I think he’s afraid he’ll never be good enough for people in an intimate way, so he let it drag on trying to prove himself wrong. But who knows?” He coughs, choking slightly on his chip. ”Anyway—I got the guy to leave by flirting with him.”

You laugh out loud about that.

“Flirting?!”

“Homophobes man. Dude was open as hell about it, little did he know—Johnny had just moved in the most obvious bisexual dude on the campus.”

“Wait!” You call out, stopping the story. “You’re bisexual?”

“Uh, yeah?” And he says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Anyway, me and Johnny have been super close since then and he never raised my rent. He pays my left-over share because I give them free snacks at the theater.”

Okay, makes sense.

“Wow, what a good deal. I can barely even afford living here on financial aid. Was it hard for you before you moved into the frat?”

Taeyong shakes his head at first, then stops himself to nod.

“I mean, I like to work hard when I need to. I was working a lot of overtime to pay for things, now I barely have to work a full twenty five hours. I’m thankful I guess.”

“So what happened after the guy left?”

“Johnny stayed with her. Like I said, I think he was trying to prove himself, but she never changed no matter how many gifts he gave, no matter how hard he tried.” Taeyong shakes his head in pity. “Dude could have the whole world under his fingertips and he got all caught up in someone like her.”

You look down again, feeling even worse at how you treated him before.

“Me and the other guys clicked immediately because they knew why I was there. In a way I’m thankful for her because I got to meet them, but it was still like torture seeing him end it, then go right back in the matter of a few days—” Taeyong leans towards you. “You know they were on a break when he finally met you right?”

You glance away from him because his eyes are entirely too intense to make eye contact when he’s speaking directly to you.

“I didn’t, no.”

“I don’t know what you did, but his entire vibe shifted after he met you.” Taeyong crosses his arms and leans back. “I think he likes to go for the girls who make it difficult, because it means they’re not out for his money or something. He likes to prove himself, but when he can’t he gets stuck.”

“I—didn’t mean to do that to him.’

“No, I’m glad you gave him a new focus, even if it confused him at first too. For the first time we didn’t have to hear about his ex in a drunken rant. Instead it was just him moping about how you’re a bitch for liking everyone but him.”

“Oh.” You’re quiet for a moment.

“I’m thanking you. I don’t think he would have focused on you if you were nice to him.”

“But wasn’t I like, too mean?”

“Sometimes, yeah. But he’s not with his ex anymore and now he’s smiling more because of you. Even if he thought we banged.”

You laugh at that, what a big stupid man for thinking that. Sure, Taeyong is pretty and you probably wouldn’t have rejected him before if he were the one pulling you out of the dark hole that is your life. Now, though, he’s so Taeyong, you couldn’t imagine.

“Hey,” You interrupt the conversation, feeling kind of bad. “I feel like I’m always talking about Johnny. It must be exhausting, or boring or something.”

“Not really, I think it’s fun to intrude.” Taeyong says in the most nonchalant voice in the world.

“I want to learn more about you though—” You make eye contact, remembering your own past that you’ve only barely touched on with the others.

“Okay, what do you want to know?” He leans back again and looks at the clock. Still plenty of time.

“Anything? Everything?”

He huffs out in a large sigh and taps his fingers on the table. “Where to start where to start.”

“I can go first if you want?”

“Ooooh, do tell.” He immediately responds.

“I’m basically trailer trash. Came from no money, a family of drug addicts, no future in mind or even being considered by the people I grew up around.” You admit it so easily, almost feeling free that he knows now.

“Ah, that must’ve been rough. Why are you in college now?” He leans forward showing interest, almost proud of himself for getting this time with you.

“I felt like I needed to prove something to them? I thought it was for myself until I realized how much I was neglecting my own needs just to get through each semester, “

Taeyong nods and pats your hand in comfort, but you feel okay. You don’t really need the comfort, you still accept it though.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t go back there, even if I had some good memories. I just felt like I needed to be better. And I needed to keep myself closed off because I was afraid of all of the outside influence.”

“You and I were pretty similar, yknow?” Taeyong offers up his own story to relate. “Not from a trailer, but I’ve lived in them before. I didn’t come from money either, family always spending it on useless things. Drugs too. Hate to say I had my fair share too.”

“Me too.” You relate.

“Wasn’t as good as people said it was in the end, was it?”

“No. I’m glad we both got out of it.” You hate to say it, but you’re kind of glad to have something in common, even if it’s sad.

“So, what brought you to college then? How’d you get out?” You ask.

“Same as you. I really wanted to do music, but no one listens to the kid whose parents pick up their latest fill at the local mc donalds, huh?”

You laugh, it’s painful but it’s fucking true.

“Financial aid is a fucking godsend.” You say back to him, and he nods his head graciously.

“So was Johnny. I know I said it wasn’t too difficult for me before, but thinking back to when I was on my own—jesus christ.” He shakes his head at himself. “I don’t know how I managed to work so much and attend gen eds just to get to where I wanted to be.”

“Yknow, I’m glad we have that in common.”

“I’m not.” Taeyong responds with ease, but it doesn’t seem angry. “I hate that it’s so common for kids like us to have to venture out into the world without being prepared just because our parents didn’t know how to be parents.”

“Yeah, but I’m glad I can share it with you and not feel like an outsider.”

Taeyong looks up at you again, a sharp gaze in his eyes as he studies you.

“Does anyone else know about this with you?” He questions and you simply shake your head. “You do know that they’d think no differently of you, right? They’d probably be super amazed by how far you’ve come on your own.”

“They were like that with me. Johnny, Mark, Jaehyun, and Haechan? They were all coddled by their parents to the point of feeling smothered. We all kind of meet in the middle and balance each other out—”

“You’re so open, Taeyong. I’m going to sound super lame but I really admire you for that.”

He just shrugs, like it’s the most normal thing a person can do. Open up about their past and share their worst insecurities and experiences with people.

“You should try it, it feels better when you stop expecting reactions.”

“Noted.” You respond, smiling.

“Thanks for opening up to me too, and inviting me over even though you didn’t feed me.” He says it with a smile on his face, his eyes becoming more round. This face reveals a side of Taeyong you’ve never seen.

“Your eyes look like the moon right now.” You say it out of nowhere and it shocks him for a moment. He stutters trying to respond.

“Woah now, save that cliché shit for Johnny.”

“No, I mean like, no offence but you always look so angry and uninterested. I’ve never seen you make a face like this before.” You say in a quick explanation.

“Bro, it’s just my fuckin’ face, what do you want from me?”

You shrug this time, laughing at him.

“You’re incredibly scary, but you don’t scare me.” You joke at him. His eyes are still rounder than before, almost child like. How the fuck has the entire planet not fallen to their knees for this man?

“Boo.” Taeyong tries to joke, but his face is so incredibly serious you nearly snort in his face at the sheer stupidity of the situation. “,bitch.” He adds, trying to look more intense.

“Please, stop, you’re embarrassing yourself.” You throw an oreo at him and he gasps in pain.

It goes silent for a moment as he looks around your kitchen again and then he bites the inside of his cheek.

“Hey, have you ever considered commissioning Mark so your walls aren’t so bare?”

Your face falls for a moment and you think about it. With what money?

“Listen, as much as I’d love to, I don’t have the money to commission him.”

“Fair enough, always pay to support friends, right?”

You nod.

Teayong takes note in his head about how empty this apartment really is. You don’t even have a TV.

“When is your birthday?” He asks again and you glare at him in suspicion.

“Why?” You ask in a small, sharp voice. “Don’t get me gifts because I can’t repay them.”

“That’s why they’re called gifts.” He laughs at you and then leans forward, eyes back to the piercing gaze. “When is it?”

“You don’t scare me.”

“Okay, fine.” Taeyong says as he pulls out his phone and opens some sort of app.

You try to lean forward to see but he hides his phone.

“Ah, got it. It’s coming up.” He laughs but feels kind of offended that you hadn’t mentioned it to anyone.

“What the fuck bro, did you pull up my socials!? I don’t even use them!”

“Good thing I do, huh?” He laughs at you, blatantly, in your face. “Set your shit to private if you don’t want anyone knowing.”

You instantly unlock your phone and do that, set it all to private so that no one else can ever learn anything about you again. You’re being incredibly dramatic right now, and you’re not sure if it’s because Haechan is rubbing off on you, or because you’re finally finding your personality again.

By the time you and Taeyong come back to your place after annoying Haechan during his shift, you both had stolen scones and a good mood. You didn’t realize how quickly time passed when you were with him, and you no longer feel intimated or awkward around him. Jaehyun will be next, and you’re not so sure you’ll find something in common with him, but you still like him from what you do know.

“I think I’m gonna head home now—” Taeyong says as he gets up from your couch. “I know we just got back but like,”

“Nah, it’s cool. I need to shower and stuff. I’m gross.”

Taeyong nods at you with a smile and goes to hug you. You eagerly accept and do your best not to feel sad.

“It was fun, we should hang out more often.” He laughs as he goes to open the front door. “Really, just text me if you wanna hang out or need to talk or something. Stop letting the other shit heads take all of you time.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” You say as you smile at him.

“And lock your door after I leave.” He calls out behind him as he walks outside.

“I will!” You say back. “Text me so I know you get home safely!”

He throws a laugh in your direction as he starts to cross the yard, and then you hear him let out a high pitched scream after you closed your door.

“IM HOME!!” he screamed, and you can only laugh at him. He’s definitely just pissed off some neighbor, but it wasn’t you for once.

As you turn around to face your apartment, the chaos of the day, the chaos of last night, you slump to the floor and suddenly feel incredibly overwhelmed. You’d barely been alone in what felt like forever, though you know you’re exaggerating. You haven’t the slightest idea of how you lived like this and enjoyed it. Just—alone. No color on the walls, no specific scent, no noise, no thoughts that were positive, no Mark, no Haechan, no Taeyong, Jaehyun, or Johnny.

You’ve made so many precious memories in such a short span of time, you want to write them down, you want photos, videos. Proof that it’s happened and is still happening. Proof that things happening to you right now are precious and you want to cling to them so desperately so that it’s no longer uncomfortable to be in your apartment alone.

Things are changing so drastically, you have so much energy, and no matter how much of it you spend with the others—it doesn’t go away. You want more from everyone. You want to busy yourself being annoyed and being annoying, you need your energy to go somewhere other than running in your thoughts of everything you’ve done and everything you want to do.

Silence. It’s so loud by yourself.

You should find a second hand tv, you should get back into music and learn about a new band, you should try to create something, or be something other than a shell of a person just studying at college. You want to do something, you want to be someone. This is a new anxiety you’ve never felt, you can feel your bones vibrate though you’re barely moving.

“This feels awful.” You whisper to yourself, almost to prove that you exist. It feels so weird, it feels stupid that you’re uncomfortably full of energy when you used to pray to gods you don’t believe in just for the energy to pull yourself out of bed.

Your eyes shift across the room, and then they land on your phone. You wanna talk to Johnny, right this fucking minute.

You: johnny

He texts back so quickly that it’s almost embarrassing.

beefy neighbor: y/n

You: distract me

beefy neighbor: ??? from what?

beefy neighbor: whats wrong?

You: nothing serious, I just don’t know what to do with myself, heeeeelp

beefy neighbor: felt like that all day, I get it

You smile to yourself for being able to share something relatable to Johnny. You would have never admitted it before, but it’s easy now. You nearly muffle a scream into a pillow as you flop around on your couch trying to drain some of this energy.

You: come overrrrrrrrrr

You feel like you might come across as annoying, but you don’t even care at this point. It doesn’t matter if you look clingy or desperate or anything like that. Because you are, and you’re unashamed about it right now.

beefy neighbor: don’t get me wrong I totally would but I kinda cant

Why the fuck not?

You: why the fuck not

beefy neighbor: you’re aggressive, lol, I like it.

You: ok but tell me why

beefy neighbor: mark got scolded by his parents and he’s kinda wanting to hang out with me tonight

You don’t want to break them apart from their normal lives. You’d never seen Mark upset and you kind of think that’s what is happening next door right now. So you don’t press the issue any further and decide to suffer in your own silence, groaning the whole time. You text the group chat to waste time.

You: mark ily

Mark: aww :)

Haechan: um hello?

Yong: same haechan

Mark: why cant you guys just let me have my moment?

You: I only love mark right now

Everyone in the chat sends angry emojis, but you know it was banter. You just kind of want to help him feel better if he’s managed to have Johnny worried about leaving him.

Your phone vibrates.

beefy neighbor: Thanks for texting that, it made him feel a little better.

You: im glad, is there anything else I can do?

beefy neighbor: not sure, still wish I could come over though

And you don’t know what the fuck you were thinking when you sent it, but you did.

You: what would you want to do if you came over?

Clearly there are implications. You have so much energy and you just don’t know where to put it right now. Might as well flirt right? Johnny is trapped at his house right now, why can’t you be a little…y’know…

beefy neighbor: what are you asking me

You: idk, I was just asking…like, what would you wanna do?

beefy neighbor: well it’s not like we can watch a movie lmao

Asshole. You still smile though.

You: you said you missed my lips earlier, don’t think I forgot.

beefy neighbor: Are you trying to seduce me via text because you know I cant come over there right now?

You laugh, because absolutely. For some reason, it feels fun, safe, kind of secretive. Almost risky because you know you can do whatever you want and Johnny would have to sit there embarrassed, trying to hide his shame from all of the other guys in the house. Confidence feels nice. You’re glad he lets you have the confidence to do this.

You: yes :)

beefy neighbor: I hate you

You: you miss me

beefy neighbor: ask me again

you: what would you wanna do if you were over?

You’re probably gonna get off tonight whether he plays along or not. It’s been too long. The painful grinding from the night before was a welcome change, but you were so focused on what a boundary was that you could barely let yourself go and just have fun. It means something with Johnny, but you already told him. You will find boundaries together.

beefy neighbor: i

beefy neighbor: don’t know how to answer but I want to

You: did I find a boundary?

beefy neighbor: NO im just like, trying to process this side of you

You whine out to yourself. Why were you so difficult for him before? Sure, it’s ultimately what pulled him towards you but now you’re both suffering.

You: can you wear more comfortable pants when you come over next time? So we don’t have to stop?

Johnny does that thing he does, when he types, then he stops, then he types again. It feels like forever goes by before he finally responds to you, but it’s all too good when you finally read it.

beefy neighbor: gladly, it still felt good in the jeans tho. just didn’t know if it was too much.

You: are you wearing comfortable pants right now?

Johnny doesn’t hesitate to respond.

beefy neighbor: yeah. . . why?

You: you would’ve been so prepared. I’m less than thirty seconds away from you right now

Suddenly you get shy, shocked almost, at your confidence.

beefy neighbor: god, why are you torturing me

You: do you want me to stop?

beefy neighbor: no…

You: are you alone?

beefy neighbor: also no…

You take a moment to push all of your thoughts aside and wonder If you should do it. It’s just a picture right? You wont get to see his reaction, but he doesn’t want you to stop and you have enough energy to move too fast, to be overwhelmed, and to feel good.

Without another thought you find yourself standing in front of your bathroom mirror, fixing your hair, taking your clothes off, and plumping your chest. You snap a few shots, different poses, different faces, and none of them really seem good enough as you stare at them. Before you even attempt to pick one out, you go back to your texts.

You: you’ll tell me if you want me to stop?

beefy neighbor: I wont be asking you to.

Instantly you select a photo and send it before you can change your mind. And then you sit silently against your bathroom counter just staring at the messages.

beefy neighbor: you’re fucking kidding me??

beefy neighbor: you have no idea how hard it is to want you when you’re so close to me already

You: then come over

Johnny groans and his eyes dart to Mark. They’re both in his room and the younger man is just pacing back and forth staring at his phone. He just knows he’s going to get a call from his father again, asking why he’s switched his major to art. The room is full of anxiety, yet Johnny feels selfish. Wanting nothing more than to leave Mark on his own and go straight to your apartment and—he cant. Mark is a priority, because this has been a long time coming. He’s actually shocked that his parents only just found out.

beefy neighbor: I really, really want to. But I cant.

You sigh. Guess this is all you’re going to get tonight.

beefy neighbor: please understand that I really want to

You: I trust you, is this still okay then?

He must need to be there for Mark, but part of you feels bad for pulling at his attention. One with an extreme anxiety of being disowned, one who is just super horny.

beefy neighbor: it’s okay… I just kind of have to like, be secretive

You: do you want more photos?

beefy neighbor: yes

You: tell me what you want to see then?

Johnny doesn’t respond for a few minutes as you anticipate his text and hope that your selfishness doesn’t make you feel too guilty tomorrow.

beefy neighbor: send me what you think makes you feel the best

You slap yourself on the forehead, oh my god.

You: can you stop respecting my nonexistent boundaries for three seconds and just tell me what YOU want?

It’s silent again for a moment.

beefy neighbor: take off the bra

You smile to yourself, finally. Again, no hesitation you practically fling the bra off of you as you go through the motions of posing, groping yourself, trying to at least seem somewhat sexy for him before immediately sending three different photos to him.

And Johnny would be lying if he said he wasn’t spinning and feeling like he’s being pulled in too many directions at once. He excuses himself from Mark and practically runs to the bathroom where he very clearly is heavy in his sweats. As he locks the door, he’s already got his hand on himself and sighing out. He manages to fumble out a text back to you so that you’re not left waiting for too long. He feels ridiculous that he’s so turned on by so little. But it hits so different when you’re just next door.

beefy neighbor: had to run away from mark for a sec

beefy neighbor: you look so…

beefy neighbor: fucking good

You: your turn

Johnny laughs to himself, still doing his best to match the pressure against himself that you offered to him just the night before. He feels like a teenager again. He can barely pry his hand off himself just to snap a quick, and quite frankly, sloppy photo of himself to you. He’s never gotten so turned on by a mere photos of tits. But the fact that it’s you, and you’re asking for him to come over, and sending him nudes, and trying to verbally fuck him is what’s getting him going. He feels like he’s literally dying.

When you received the photo, you can’t deny that you were a little disappointed that it was still covered by his sweat pants. But, you can’t deny the size from the photo alone. Despite the fact that you can see his hand, the veins bulging just as much as what’s beneath his pants, you want to cry.

cute neighbor: I showed you skin, what gives?

Johnny lols his head to the side and then moves forward to look at himself in the mirror. He looks like hell, but he assumes you’re into that. Because he always looks this way but, he gives you what you’re asking for, not even needing more from you to get himself off within a mere thirty seconds if he needed to. He doesn’t want this to end that soon though. This is the most intimate the two of you have ever been, and it’s a shame that it’s over text. If he could just slip away for a moment.

He sends you the photo and you embarrassingly gasp considering it’s your first time seeing the full visual of his entire cock. Part of you wants to scream because you so easily went without it the night before out of fear of rushing. But clearly, you’re both ready.

You take it a step further and do something you’ve never done before. Because in all fairness, usually a dick pic wouldn’t get a reaction out of you aside from a laugh as you sext with ease, all while eating cheetos and listening to some shitty talk show. It feels different now, and you understand the point of sexting now. Without shame, you leave your panties on, but you very confidently spread your legs and stare into the camera to try and get the most attractive photo of the wet spot that had formed.

You can’t lie that it feels weird sending this specific type of photo to someone. Sure, tits are one thing but the actual intimate area? You don’t even like to be gone down on because of the sheer bashful feeling you get from someone seeing the core of all of your lust and romance. But you still did it, even if it was shielded by a thin piece of fabric. You wait.

And you wait.

More waiting.

And then a frantic knock on the door has you flinging yourself up and throwing your clothes back on. An intense embarrassment hits you straight in the heart when you rush your way to the door. Almost afraid to open it, you breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It’s probably Mark coming to be comforted since Johnny is clearly snapping dick pics for you right? What have you gotten yourself into?

You barely even opened the door before Johnny is rushing through and mumbling a small “I cant be here for long” . Instantly, he’s grabbing you by the waist and lifting you in one swift motion, carrying you straight to the kitchen counter.

“I’m sorry.” He says to you, and you can see the desperation in his eyes match your own. “You’re just so close to me.” He practically whines in an apology as he’s quick to lift your shirt off of you.

You only barely process what’s happening before your body reacts in a way that was entirely too lustful for you to admit. No pushing him away, instead you mirror his energy and silently thank the fact that it wasn’t Mark who walked through that door.

No boundaries have been reached yet, and all you can do is sit atop this counter top feeling him touch you. It was more than enough. Just as you go to say something snarky, his lips are against you and his hand is down his sweats. You try to look down to see, but he keeps his pants in place and it prevents you. Instead, you pull him against you so that you can feel the movement of his hands on himself, rubbing against you ever so slightly.

Almost no words need to be said, and it’s true that sometimes you just have to let your bodies do the talking.

It all happened so fast, he kissed you so incredibly hard that your lips feel bruised when he pulls back and almost aggressively runs his hands along his length. You can’t see it, but you can hear it. It’s a sound that you always got so grossed out over when you heard it in porn, but you’re sitting there on the counter, listening, and seeing the way his face contorts into something you’d never seen before. The fact that he’s thinking of you while you’re right there has you feeling like you’re the only person who could do this to him and it feels so good.

He’s still got his pants up, and you’re just sitting there shirtless, feeling adored—all you can do is look at his face.

“Can I be honest?” You whisper out, leaning into him, grabbing his arm to feel the veins you’d seen not too long ago in the photo bulge with each movement he makes.

He hums out at you, and he’s never felt this incredibly desperate, he doesn’t even know why he’s here, or how he got here. But he is, and his thoughts are all red, he can only see the photos you sent to him despite having you in front of him for this brief moment.

“I could probably get off if you make yourself cum in front of me.”

So much confidence, such a snarky tone, Johnny almost wants to cry as he reaches out for you and falls right back into a kiss.

You’re shocked at how quickly he’s moving, and even more shocked when he grabs at your hand to replace his own. You don’t shy away and instead make a point to move slowly and deliberately once you feel the first touch of his cock heavy in your palm.

You’re shocked at the way he is acting. Someone who had always seemed so arrogant. It looks like he might cry.

“If this is what you wanted, you could have just said it—” He groans out of frustration, realizing it’s barely been more than a day since the two of you finally admitted you even have feelings for each other. He doesn’t care. Fuck moving too fast and fuck holding back. If you’re asking him to do this, he’s more than happy.

“I asked you to come over.” And you say it so calmly it almost pisses him off for how utterly desperate he is, yet you’re just…sitting there? Collected? While he’s falling apart?

“And now I’m here.” He says in a voice a tone darker than before. The breath is knocked out of you the second you feel his hand on your thigh, dangerously close to the area so you eagerly snapped a photo of for him.

“And what are you doing?” He adds, looking you directly in the eye.

Your breath catches in your throat, and you can barely keep your hand moving beneath his sweats as his ghosts his fingers over the wet spot on your panties, and then you sigh out.

He stops his fingers for a moment and presses himself against your hand. Realizing he quite literally stomped into your apartment and just started jerking off on you.

“Is it too much?” He asks, doing his best not to press into your hand again. “Is it too fast?”

“No, keep going–” You say, bucking your own hips against his fingers.

All rationality is out the window after you said that.

He didn’t even slide your panties to the side, and instead eagerly massaged through the fabric just to try and hope you get there before he does, but it doesn’t happen. He was so desperate, so close, and quite frankly, it was much easier for him to reach his climax before you. He didn’t want to, but you pushed for it, feeling satisfied enough with his fingers on you. And the way he tucked his face into the crook of your neck, all while continuing to keep pace with his own fingers had your ears ringing.

Even after you had pulled your hands from his pants, covered in slick, he continued. He moved his hands elegantly as if there was more of a purpose than just making you cum. He lifted his head in embarrassment at finishing before you, but shook it off as he dipped back in to kiss you. He ran his other hand to the small of your back and pressed you impossibly closer to him, closer against his fingers, into his lips. It had you groaning out, and the sudden sound of your voice echoed in the room.

You realize he was so quiet, so reversed, holding himself back from making more than the slightest noise. But when you moaned against his fingers, he praised you. He said you looked so pretty, that he was glad he came over, that he was sorry for showing up suddenly, that he liked the way you kissed him, and the way you ran your fingers against him, letting them linger a little too long on his head that caused a painful sensitivity that he somehow enjoyed. He praised you through the entire act, caressing you in ways you’d never felt before. And all you could do was feel the energy drain from you as he hit the spot time and time again until you unraveled before him. Legs spread and slack as he leaned between them, still kissing you every chance he got.

When you’d stopped squeezing your eyes shut, Johnny looked proud. Like he just accomplished a life goal and it all felt so stupid and surreal that you’re the reason this happened. You don’t feel embarrassed, instead, you feel such an immense amount of adoration for this man. All he did was touch you. All you did was touch him. You didn’t even have sex and you still feel like the messiness, the urgent fingers, the breathing, the kissing, the way his hair is messy and his eyes are tired—the way he smells like you and probably tastes like your own mouth now, it all feels like the most intimate moment you’ve ever shared with another person. You can’t help it but just stare at him. The man you were so willing to hate.

“I—” You try to say and he simply just watches you. “Mark still needs you, right?” You say in an almost sad voice, still out of breath, still sticky and musky. Radiating heat onto him effortlessly. You feel relaxed.

“I do.” He pauses and smiles at you. “Taeyong knows what’s up. I asked him to take my place for twenty minutes.”

“You have such good friends, “ You trail off, still in a daze. “I’m sad that you have to go.”

“You can sleep over, I’m sure Mark would be happy to put all of his problems on you too.” He tries to encourage you, so that way he doesn’t have to leave you here all alone. He couldn’t, not after this.

“Maybe I need more problems to focus on—” You stop yourself for a moment and look back at Johnny, who still has his body firmly planted between your legs. “How did you do it?” You ask.

His face turns into that of confusion as he looks what at you. He looks so incredibly normal in the moment, innocent even with your hand covered in his heat.

“How did you manage to make all of my problems disappear?”

He bows his head in appreciation with a small shrug and you almost want to do it all over again. Put your lips back on him, your hands back on him.

“Can I really sleep over?” You ask again, and Johnny nods his head.

So, after a quick and half assed clean up, you have no energy now, not enough to shower anyway, the two of you walk next door. You don’t hold hands, you don’t talk about what just happened, and you both try to ignore how the blushes spread equally across your cheeks are a reminder of the feeling of pure lust for one another.

Mark had already passed out in Johnny’s bed when you’d followed him to the door, and he sighs out in an apology. You don’t mind, he gave you everything you needed. Selfishly you plant a kiss directly to his lips and head to Haechan’s room. Only a short glance back at him is the approval that you needed. He doesn’t want you to sleep in Haechan’s bed again, but, he already ditched Mark once.

You’re not moving too quickly, even if it feels like it, right? That’s all you can think about as you lay there next to Haechan. You don’t even say anything as you crawl into bed with him.

You haven’t had sex with Johnny. You just fooled around. It’s just fun. But why does it seem to mean so much to you? Why does something that’s never meant much to you before, suddenly put a heaviness in your heart that has you wondering what it is that Johnny wants from you? He hasn’t asked to be your boyfriend. He blocked his ex but what if he is still thinking about her?

All of it felt so good, so scary. Half of you knows why you avoided it, and the other half of you wonders why you deny yourself these feelings.

It’s all part of growth, right?

You want to see Johnny again. You want to be with him all the time now. Haechan is a welcome face, but a love as brotherly as his isn’t exactly what you want in a moment of release. You wish you were in Mark’s place right now. But you try to set your own selfish desires aside and realize that you have friends now. You can’t prioritize yourself as much anymore.

And it kind of feels good to worry about people outside of yourself. But his touch is still on you, and your lips are still warm. When you roll over, it’s not the man you want to be in bed with, but you love him dearly. You feel so much adoration for every living body in this house and all you can do is groan at the fact that you’re in a perfect spot in life. How did you get here?

please reblog the masterlist post, not the individual chapters!

Chapter Five

#johnny suh #johnny suh smut #johnny suh fic #nct smut #nct127 smut

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