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jimkirkachu · 1 year

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and now for the latest installment in the "jtkchu is a conceited asshole" series:

my aunt died early this morning and all I can think about tonight is,

wow, [parent] got really frustrated when I mentioned that cute trans-Marty-McFly headcanon I saw and liked on tumblr and made them sigh and mutter "not again" under their breath while I speed-talked my way through the first thing I liked about it because I hadn't expected them to react with such utter disgust or irritation so I awkwardly deflected to a comment about one of the cats and have been desperately hoping since that moment that they just dismissed or forgot about it altogether

a.k.a. yes, I really am that self-absorbed. ~Literal death in the family~ is outweighed by ~boo hoo I said something stupid and got my feelings hurt~ 🤦 libra/balance my ass.

(...what a riot that my therapist has been attempting to boost my confidence enough to ask my parents to start using they/them pronouns for me, now that it's been over a year since I came out to them. I'm feeling now more than ever that I should just discretely squeeze myself back into the closet, and that I probably would have been better off never to have peeked out of it in the first place. 🤦)

#not trek #personal log #gender identity #gender binary #tw death #death mention #selfishness #coming out #headcanons #lgbtqia+ headcanons don't hurt anyone why do cishet people get so butthurt about them #anyway finally learned my lesson‚ need to stfu about queer things & being nb & just try to be female again as long as i'm living here #can't afford to be kicked out‚ i wouldn't last 12 hours if i was homeless & they've said they'd never do that to me but you just never know #so i will try to avoid making them any More uncomfortable in their own home than they already are‚ thanks to my useless & abnormal presence #i am so sorry to everyone who has ever stumbled onto this disaster of a blog you deserve so much better #to all those to whom i owe messages please know you're still on my radar and i'm really sorry i've just been so low on spoons lately 😞#no spoons november #soul sick #jtkchu's brain #jtkchu is toxic #jtkchu is a loser #stfu jtkchu #regrets #i regret that i am a fucking monster 😣

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jimkirkachu · 2 years

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it feels horribly "revealing" that one of my best-received posts of all time is a series of screenshots from a fandom that has absolutely nothing to do with any manifestation of Star Trek

where the hell is the "Just Stop Thinking About It" button/switch/whatever in my brain???

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jimkirkachu · 2 years

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Here's the thing.

("Abandon all hope," etc. etc.)

I know you're never going to message me out of the blue, just wanting to get to know me with the hope of becoming friends and eventually more-than-friends. I know you're never going to fall in love with me, or write me letters, or rearrange your life to be near me. I'm a nobody, a mentally ill unemployed dogfaced loser who doesn't even know their own gender or sexuality, lives with their parents, and currently has no prospects of changing Any of those things (haven't had prospects for 4+ years now).

You are destined for fame, fortune, or at least Success; incredibly talented, so handsome I want to kill myself, intelligent, kind, creative, supportive, sweet—so, Going Places. You could already have your pick of any lover(s) or spouse(s) you could possibly want, with your charm and sensitivity. You're considerate, eloquent, passionate, fun... an overall Good Egg. And you're only just getting started.

We are separated by too much of the world, too few things in common (probably?), far too wide a difference in attractiveness, too much internet/not enough reality.

I know that I need to forget you, if for no other reason than the fact that I don't even know you to begin with. I know I need to forget the version of you my mind has crafted around what little I do know of you. I know that I need to move on and let go of this absurd fantasy of having you suddenly DM'ing me, wanting to know who I am behind all the pathetic depression posts and bad k/s fics (spoiler alert: I'm still nobody); being Totally Fine with how boring and needy I am and with my fear of phone calls/video chats; eventually asking for my phone number (for texting) and e-/snail-mail addresses so you can send me more and more affectionate missives; after several months or years making an impulsive decision to pack up everything you have and everything you've ever known to move across the world to be with me; finding out we do fit well together in person (not just online); getting along beautifully with my family and my cat and getting a steady [your_field] job that miraculously supports us both; snuggling with me under a squishy blanket while we watch crap movies that one of your colleagues recommended and I make stupid craft projects for our friends and your family (whom we visit as many times a year as possible [more and more as your inevitable success increases] because somehow they actually approve of me); then living happily ever after with me and our cat(s) and whatever other pets you might want because somewhere in this sequence of events you apparently lost your whole entire mind (maybe you got hit in the head with a brick. Or a bus. Or a fucking barge) and decided that being with me was somehow pleasant and desirable and fulfilling.

I know I need to hit ctrl+z and undo this entire imaginary lifetime of impossible events in my mind and forget that I ever dreamed of anything more than what I already have as a still single still purposeless still loser. I know I'm going to die alone (likely by suicide) once my parents have passed away because I'll have no means of supporting/taking care of myself and no one left to live for. I know I'll never be loved romantically (I've known that for decades). And I know you don't want or need to know any of this because our lives are literally never going to intertwine any more than they already have via, perhaps, an occasional "like" or comment on a post.

But God...

Sometimes I just want to hurt as deeply as I've ever been able to hurt, and the fairy tale of you is the only weapon that can pierce deep enough into my soul to draw blood from the chronically-aching void where my heart was once supposed to have formed.

#not trek #personal log #unrequited crush #crushes #romance = 😣#forever alone #unloveable #soul sick #heartsick #everything hurts #jtkchu's brain #jtkchu is a loser #jtkchu is toxic #stfu jtkchu #sui mention #sorry for being depressing #i am so sorry to everyone who has ever stumbled onto this disaster of a blog you deserve so much better

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jimkirkachu · 2 years

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Seriously, what am I supposed to do? (re: everything)

#suggestions welcome #send help #not trek #personal log #heartsick #soul sick #everything is meaningless #feeling like a burden #i want to hurt myself #wouldn't even notice because everything already hurts or aches or stings #it's not that i've given up hope for myself it's that i never had that kind of hope to begin with #dear captain kirk please forgive me for wasting so much of your time #taking meds getting therapy and yet it still just feels like i'm only prolonging the inevitable #i should never have been allowed to exist #i am so sorry to everyone who has ever stumbled onto this disaster of a blog you deserve so much better #jtkchu's brain #jtkchu is toxic #stfu jtkchu

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jimkirkachu · 2 years

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sometimes I think maybe I would be less of a miserable loser/disaster/grumpus/misfit/pain in the ass if I could play miniature golf every day ⛳️😞

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jimkirkachu · 2 years

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I miss having things in common with my friends and family members who are now married and/or have children

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jimkirkachu · 2 years

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happy pride

want to die

#not trek #tw sui ideation #tw: sui thoughts #cw sui thoughts #cw sui mention #personal log #i'm sorry i'm like this #not belonging anywhere #soul sick #heartsick #i get it i would ghost me too if i had the chance #therapy tomorrow #i'm not in crisis i just hate myself #seems like the proper way to begin pride month #especially since i still don't believe i deserve to be included in pride #jtkchu is toxic #jtkchu's brain #stfu jtkchu

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jimkirkachu · 2 years

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I just wanted to let you know that you’ve written some of my absolute favorite fics I’ve ever read in my entire life. I’m so sorry someone said that to you and I honestly have no idea what they were talking about because your writing has gotten me through some really rough days.

I understand if you’re not in a place to hear this, I just wanted to let you know. 💙💛💙💛

Thank you so much, friend 💙💛💙💛 I really appreciate your readership, your support, and your encouragement. I don't deserve any of it, and I'm shocked and humbled that anything I wrote could have had such an effect--so thank you even more 😔💔💛💙💛💙

I just mentioned this to someone else, but if there's anything I've put on ao3 that you might want to have permanent access to, I would advise downloading it. I feel so bad that my work hurt someone and I don't want to risk doing the same thing to anyone else, so my account or fics might be deleted/orphaned sometime soon. If it comes to that, I'll mention it here and on ao3 before I do anything, but... no time like the present, better safe than sorry, I guess.

Thank you again for being so kind and generous to me 😔💔💜💜💜 And please take care of yourself. 🖖💙💛

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jimkirkachu · 2 years

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Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I really like your K/S stuff on ao3, and I'd be really sad if you deleted it! I enjoy coming back to it a lot

Thank you so much for reading my fics... and for your support 💙💛💙💛 This has been a really difficult couple of weeks/months for me and at this point I'm still not certain what to do, either with that review or with my ao3 account in the future. I've "hidden" the offending story for now so that others don't have to encounter it and potentially be hurt by it.

At this point... I want to tell you that if there's anything I've posted on ao3 that you might want to keep having access to, please download it. And I swear I'm not trying to be melodramatic or fish for compliments/pity or anything like that. I'm just so ashamed of myself and I'm afraid of hurting anyone any further, so I truly have been very seriously considering orphaning or deleting my fics (to be honest, I've been considering that for almost 2 years now). If I do, though, I'll make a note of that decision here as well as on ao3. You're probably one of about two whole people who might actually want to download anything I've written, but even so, I promise I won't delete anything without some kind of heads-up.

Thank you again, x infinity, for your kind, sweet, generous words and heart 😔💔💙💛💙💛💙💛 I don't deserve to have souls as good as you reading my stuff or this mess of a blog... but that fact makes me all the more grateful for you. 💛💙💛💙

Take care of yourself, friend 💜

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