#just a little more low effort thing to give myself a bit of a break

[benreygenders]

when the codependency hits

#just a little more low effort thing to give myself a bit of a break #the stanley parable #stannarrator #scribbles #tfw you fall deeply in love with your oc to the point where life feels pointless and empty without them and you devote your life to them #but to your knowledge theyre not even a sentient person theyre just a character you built to play with and youve grown so attached but they #have no way of reciprocating those feelings so youre stuck in an endless loop sitting with them hoping against hope that theyll rid you of t #he loneliness you just cant move on from #im really normal about them by the way i promise

[yorshie]

Hiya! This was an ask on AO3, thought I'd upload it over here as well just to keep everything even. I couldn’t keep myself from making it a continuation of the turtles fav clothes ask.

Bayverse TMNT X Fem Reader

SFW, though apparently I was in the mood to write the turtles falling over themselves so it's a bit suggestive.

Donnie

Donnie landed a little bit harder than he meant to on the roof of your building, catching sight of the sheet and projector a little too late and assuming someone was already using the space. He ducked in an unconscious effort to hide, knowing it was folly, only to pop back up at the sound of your giggle.

“Love?” He asked, looking around, sure he had heard you.

“Hey baby. You ready for our date?” Your voice came from the far side of the sheet, and he snorted in amusement as the fabric gave a little shimmying ripple.

“Is that what you’ve been planning?” He asked, taking careful steps towards the chairs set either side of the projector. When you didn’t answer his snout swung around curiously, but the only other things he could see was a cooler set up as a coffee table with a few styrofoam containers up top. “Baby?”

“Here.” You called back, and he blinked at the low curse that followed. “Just- having technical difficulties.”

He smiled, starting for the sheet. “Well, it’s a good thing you’re dating a technical tu-” He cut off with a choke, stalling at the sight of your bare back presented to him, your hands trying in vain to reach the zipper that was getting caught on a bit of…

His eyes trailed down, taking in the way the city lights glittered off the purple sequins covering your dress, a small, strangled noise escaping his throat at just how much of your legs were not covered.

“It was suppose to be a surprise.” You half whined, pouting at him over your shoulder, and your words reseted him, his eyes trailing back up your back to give you a strained smile.

“I- It’s very surprising.” He blushed at the break in his voice, but when you only giggled he took a step closer, hands hesitantly raising towards your own. “Can… I can help?”

“Please.” You asked, dropping your hands and arching your spine to hold the fabric taunt.

Donnie tried his hardest not to touch or think about the soft skin beside the zipper, straightening the little piece of metal and pulling it seamlessly upwards until it reached the little latch at the top. “There.” He stepped away quickly, rubbing his thumbs against the side of his first finger in an effort to keep them grounded and to himself.

“Thank you.” You murmured quietly, turning slowly to show him the full outfit. “What do you think?”

Donnie’s head tilted, looking you over, taking in the high collar and the swish of sequins as you moved. The dress was a beautiful dark purple, jewel toned and looking more like it belonged on a fun trip around town, not cooped up on a roof with him. “You’re beautiful.” He said softly, flicking his gaze up towards your face. “Absolutely beautiful.”

You smiled at him, reached forward and clasped his hands, lifting one to twirl yourself around and closer into his arms. “I got Chinese food.” You whispered up at him, grinning. “And those grape sodas you love so much.”

Donnie swallowed, golden hazel eyes caught on the way your eyes bloomed when you looked at him, and quietly let go of the anxiety that said you were better off without him. “That sounds amazing.” He said instead, twirling you back out and following in a small side step dance that let him see the way the sequins covering your dress caught the light. “Maybe we could dance for a bit, first, though?”

Your answering laugh was bright and happy, and his heart soared at the sound.

Raph

A locked down arcade was not the place Raph expected to roll up on when you asked him to meet you somewhere not your apartment, but he wasn’t alarmed until your text said to walk in the front door like he owned the place.

Not knowing what to expect, half his mind worrying you’d been abducted and this was a plot to corner him without backup, he nervously turned on the cctv jammer Donnie had given each of them and cautiously walked inside.

The game lights were still on, soft 80s rock filtering through the speakers, and he stalled, not quite sure what was going on exactly.

“Hey there, tiger.” He turned sharply towards your voice, hackles rising when he couldn’t’ immediately pick out your location before relaxing as your crinkled eyes peeked over a tall pony wall. “Glad you found the place ok.”

He huffed, feeling that adrenaline slowly seep back, unconsciously returning his sai to their proper place. “Jesus, baby, give me a heart attack why don’t ya.” He raised a brow at the high pitched giggle you gave in answer, mind flipping to the gutter in an instant. “Whatcha doin’ over there?” He asked lowly, taking a step closer when you skipped away further down the wall. 

“Nu uh, you stay right there, I’m coming over.” You insisted, and he heard the click of heels on the polished comment floor. He followed the bob of your hair around the corner, smile faltering when you reappeared and he caught sight of what you were wearing.

“Uh…” He trailed off, eyes locked on the swish of the red skirt and the frothy petticoat peeking with every swaying step. “Damn.” 

He kept enough of his head to whistle long and low when you did a twirl for him, but in truth the only thing he could think of was how this was the most girly thing he’d ever seen you in, and he loved it,

“That good, huh?” You asked cheekily, and he was surprised by the instinctual rumble that escaped him as you stepped within arms reach, his hand snagging out quick as a flash to catch your own. 

Real good, but he made his mouth say something else. “You dressed up for me?” He twirled you around again, eyes darting between your face and the swirl of the skirt. When you faced him once more, his free hand dipped, fluffed the bottom of the skirt just to watch the arcade lights reflect on the color.

You laughed, walking backwards, holding onto his large hand when it became clear he was too busy staring to watch his feet. “I thought I could demolish you at the motorcycle games and then we could eat some burgers.”

He almost didn’t hear her words, head dipping to indicate his agreement, before a few syllables made it past the *Skirt* filter and he stopped hard again.

“Motorcycle?” He asked, tearing his eyes away to look for the mentioned game, before returning to your skirt. “You… you’re gonna play in that?”

You smirked, stepping back into his space to tap a finger against his plastron. “I’m gonna kick your ass in this.”

You thought he was broken for a long moment, before a sound ripped out of him. Expecting the deep rumble your teasing usually got, you were shocked to hear a high pitched chirp that you’d heard Donnie or Mikey let loose, every once in a while, but never from your boyfriend in red. 

A visceral shot of panic lanced through Raph’s chest at the slow, understanding smile you leveled at him in answer.

Leo

Leo navigated onto the small balcony outside your apartment with ease, brow furrowing when he noticed all the lights were off, only the flicker of candles on the kitchen island to great him. He opened the door silently, stepping inside with a deep breath. 

Only the scent of you and the scented candles greeted him however, and it eased him enough to call out. “Darling?” 

“Here, babe!” Came your voice from your bathroom, and his shoulders loosened, hands coming up to undo his harness and set his swords against the wall next to the balcony door. “Give me just a minute.”

He hummed in acknowledgement, not really sure if you could hear the low sound, before he stepped towards the table to take in the plates and cups set out in a neat array, belted napkins folded over the clean ceramic. “Are you setting up for something?”

“Well, if you must know,” came your amused voice, “I was planning on surprising you with dinner. It’s keeping warm in the oven.”

“It’s a very welcome surprise.” He assured you, crossing over to the oven and opening the door a little to peer in at the aluminum foil packages inside. “What is it?”

“Your favorite.” You called back, and his heart pinged softly at your words, one hand reaching inside to try and peek at the biggest dish.

“Hey, what happened to patience?” Came your teasing voice from right behind him, and he smiled, hand retreating and closing the oven while turning to give you his attention.

“I was just peek-“ He trailed off, and you smiled at the way he blinked long and slow at the sight of you posing at the edge of the hallway leading to the bathroom and your bedroom in a blue dress whose length kissed the floor.

“Blue?” You asked, taking a step closer. “You ok?”

He took a step closer abruptly, herding you back until your back hit the corner where the kitchen transitioned into the next room, arms coming up to softly touch the silky midnight fabric that he swore matched his eyes better than his mask. 

“Where’d you get this?” His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, thumb rubbing across your hip in a way that would read as absent minded if not for the sharp precision in his gaze.

“Found it on sale.” You whispered it to him, hands skating along his arms. “Judging by this reaction, I’d say it was a good gut purchase.”

“Very good.” He agreed, finally moving from your space only to clasp your hand with his own and pull you further into the living room. “You look beautiful.”

“Beautiful in blue?” You guessed, teasing gently as he raised your clasped hands and convinced you to twirl for him. A rough sound punched out of him when he saw how low the back dipped, a long tailed bow that was familiar hiding the top of the zipper at the base of your spine.

“Beautiful in anything.” He explained, “but especially in blue.”

You chuckled low at the feeling of his other hand sneaking in to press right above the bow. “We should probably eat, then, before the food gets cold, and then maybe we could bust out the playlist and dance for a while.”

He tilted his head, and you could tell he was considering convincing you to just skip dinner, but you purposefully nabbed the little placard from the restaurant that was sitting on the island, placed it under his nose until he could focus on the name embossed across the little card. 

“That’s evil.” He said, tearing his eyes away from the two words, and you laughed out loud at the pout that crossed his lips.

Angelo

Mikey wasn’t expecting anything fancy, though he knew you were planning something. There were too many questions in the text chain the last couple of days, too many times you’d double checked his preference for something or the other to be anything but a surprise. He looked forwards to it gleefully, especially when he got the text asking him to come over Friday night. 

You weren’t anywhere to be found when he let himself into the small place you called your own, shucking his backpack and chucks noisily and whistling so you’d hear him. A white box sitting on the coffee table with a well known bakery logo stamped across the top had him audibly swallowing, fingers itching to get ahold of whatever confections he hoped was hiding inside.

He must have made some instinctual noise, because a light giggle floated through the apartment, and he tilted his head, grinning as he heard you moving around in your bedroom.

“My, what great pastries you’ve got here, babes.” He called, hopping over the back of your couch and snagging the box.

“The better to tempt you with.” You called in a sing song manner, and he hummed in agreement, listening to the sound of your feet carrying you closer as he chose one of the chocolate filled varieties and bit into it with a little sound of enjoyment.

You snorted, from the kitchen now he thought, and listened as you shut something in the microwave before hitting a few buttons. “Save some room for the pizza, Angelo, it should be here any minute.”

“Ooo, baby, you spoil me rotten.” He set the box back on the table, used his free arm to roll himself back over the couch and landed with a thud. “M comin’ to help you with those fizzy orange drinks.”

“How’d you know I got those?” You sounded amused despite the accusation, and he grinned as he rounded the corner into the little kitchen.

“Cuz my baby always gets-” He cut off, pastry halfway to his mouth, eyes bugging at the little orange velvet loungewear you were wearing.

As if you could hear his eyes popping out of his skull, you threw a smile over your shoulder from where you were stretching up towards the top of the cabinet. “Hey, babe, come give me a hand?” 

Mikey stuck the whole pastry into his mouth and crowded you against the counter, hands proffered to show you that he in fact, had two he could offer you. 

You snorted, pointing upwards with a smirk. “The popcorn bowl, Mike. I can’t reach it.”

His eyes were slow to tear away from the two large collar and the way it slipped off one shoulder, baby blues flicking to your eyes before following the extended finger to the large metal bowl on the top shelf. 

“Mm, ye~ I cef gef che thef.” He swallowed, tongue all but shoving the pastry down the hatch, before he reached up without moving and snagged the bowl easily. “Here ya go, one bowl retrieved.” 

You tried to hide the smile at the fact that he was still all but trapping you against the counter. “Angelo?”

“Yeah babes?” He asked, eyes back to being glued on the little strip of stomach he could see between the matching top and bottom.

“You gotta move so I can get the popcorn.” You explained, popping one hip out and smothering a laugh when his eyes jumped to the movement.

“Uh huh. Popcorn. Right.” He said, fumbling to set the bowl down with one hand and snagging one of yours with the other.

When he made no further move, you rolled your eyes fondly and pushed lightly on his plastron. “Baby. Popcorn. Then cuddles?”

“Cuddles?” He parroted the word, and it was like the synapses fired correctly that time, because he all but jumped to complete the task to get one step closer to the reward.

You chuckled fondly, turning to the fridge to retrieve the ‘fizzy orange soda’, pretending not to hear the chirp behind you when he obviously saw what you were doing.

#tmnt #tmnt bayverse #tmnt bayverse fanfiction #tmnt bayverse x reader #tmnt leonardo #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt michelangelo #bayverse leonardo #bayverse raphael #bayverse donatello #bayverse michelangelo #bayverse leo x reader #bayverse raph x reader #bayverse donnie x reader #bayverse mikey x reader #my writing requests

[bg-brainrot]

Have you ever wanted to give Astarion more hugs? Because I did. So I wrote 34K words just to give him more hugs. It's Hugs for a Vampire, literally just uploaded the last chapter.

It's my first finished long fic ever and I feel this weird little pride so I wanted to gush about it. Please enjoy a few of my favorite snippets below (spans the game so beware spoilers), but this thing has a bit of everything.

You want figuring out boundaries? You got it!

You’re not sure how much of it is a choice that you’ve consciously made or if it’s born of your underlying worry. It hasn’t been long since you entered this new phase in your relationship, and the past couple of weeks have been a lot of trial and error to get to a place of some comfort and understanding. As such, you know exactly why you’ve been careful, consciously or not. “I don’t want to touch you if you’re not ready for it,” you say, tilting your head toward his, whispering your words away from the rest of the group.

The vampire freezes a moment, his eyebrows knitting into a look of concern. “While I appreciate the sentiment, darling, a hug isn’t exactly carnal .”

You give him a flat look. “Of course it isn’t,” you respond back. “But it’s still… intimate. You should be allowed to decide when that happens. If you hug me, I know you want it to happen.”

Astarion finally uncrosses his arms, only to rub at his temple in exasperation. “Ugh, you’re being disgustingly considerate,” he says, closing his eyes. “It’s times like this that I wonder how we’ve even gotten this far.”

You want a smidge of angst? Of course.

Astarion’s arm around you shifts, an attempt to pull you closer. You turn to face him and lean in to help his efforts. He gives you a sad little grateful smile, and tucks you into his chest, your head resting just below his chin. When he speaks, his voice is barely above a whisper, a low rasp to it, “I’m here, dear. We’re in this together.”

Nodding into his chest, you take a few steading breaths. “I know,” you say. “But is it too much to ask for a break every once and a while?”

“Darling,” a cold kiss graces your temple before he continues, “I’ve been asking myself that question for two-hundred years.” His words aren’t meant to elicit sympathy, just reality, and you both soak in it for a while. Laying in each others’ arms, bodies too exhausted to move, spirits too broken to speak, you allow yourself to weep.

You want calling Astarion out on his bullshit? For sure.

“Gods,” he breathes out in anguish. “I can’t say you’re wrong. I can only say I'm so glad we didn’t meet then. I don’t even want to think what would have happened to you…”

You’ve never been above challenging your lover’s sullen moods, facing his avoidances head on. So you stare him down fiercely when you say, “Don’t you avoid this, Astarion. Face it, like you must face them. You would have killed me.”

And just like that, something in him buckles. All of his blustering blown away in the stark reality of his previous life. “I would have killed you.” Astarion’s shoulders bow, his head turns away from you and it’s all you can do to hold back a fierce, rib-shattering embrace.

You want fluff? Hell yeah.

You’re ever the slightly more responsible of the two of you. “I always thought that the day we got thrown into prison together it would be for theft, murder, maybe racketeering– not public indecency.”

“The night is young, dear,” he says, smiling up at you innocently. "I wouldn't rule any of them out quite yet."

You plant a small kiss on his head and respond, “You are an utter fool.”

You want an ending where he doesn't run off on his own and break your heart? It's only natural 😭

Sniffling, tears trailing down your face and onto his neck, you know your voice is barely there. But you need him to know. You whisper to him, “We’re all here for you. You’re safe with us.”

And like a stubborn lock that finally gives, he collapses into you. His full body weight bears down on you, and it’s all you can do to keep from toppling over. Yet you remain solid, fully ready to support him as long as he needs.

Anyway, I just wanted to be excited, if you read this far ty I appreciate you and pls how do I get this vampire man out of my head 🥲

#astarion #bg3 #astarion x tav #fanfic #rogue + rogue #astarion x reader #baldurs gate 3

[vivi-the-goblin]

Campaign idea I've LONG had but would require a fair bit of setup: time loop adventure. The party is having dinner at the tavern, when a rumbling rocks the foundations of the earth. Everything explodes in a wave color, sound, and immense pressure, but it parts around them the crest of a wave to a ship's bow. That bow being a small imp-like creature, screeching with the effort to maintain whatever shield is keeping the wave at bay. As quickly as it began, it ends, the world outside the bubble going greyscale. "Noble heroes," the creature pants, slowly turning. "The world hangs a second from death, I'm afraid I have to break my oath and call upon you once...Who the fuck are you!?" It collapses to its knees as it sees its intended targets, one table over. Epic heroes with legendary kit. Despite trying to maintain a low profile the party might even recognize them, or at least the gear spilling out of their robes. Most seem to be shrinking into their armor, though the gnome's just turning green. The whole bar is doing the same, come to think of it. "HOW. HOW DID I MISS. I- ok, ok. I can work with this. That's fine. they used to be chumps too, we just had more time to work back then. Hi. Welcome to the end of the world. If you want to roll it back, we can talk." The paladin's all for it. The rest of the party is conflicted, but they eventually decide they've got nothing else to do. First thing though, who is this? "Got a lot of names, been around for a while. Maintain time, maybe you've seen my work? Yeah, not gonna have it undone by a punk with a wish. One that wished for more wish granting items, and again with with all of those, until eventually they had enough for thier whole tribe of hundreds. and the tribe had one wish, a wish with enough power to bind even the gods." "They wished for 'Goblin'. And with neither the world or the goblins themselves having any idea what that's supposed to mean, creation answered with 'Yes.' There's not a thing under the sun that's not becoming goblin. Or over the sun. The sun's not outta the question eith- look, it's everything, ok? I don't know the reach, I don't want to either, I just know we can't stop that blast." The party grumbles. how do they save things if the gods themselves are bound? "I can chuck you back in time. Only about a day, I had to snap most of myself off when the corruption started. We can do this for a while, but we have to do this. Find out where they are. Figure out how to get to them. and somehow stop them. Can't be that hard, right? they're just goblins, right?" One way to find out. Basically this would start out consequence free. The world is set up, and full of FAR stronger creatures...at first. If they die they lose thier gear, but NOT thier info, the day just resets. Milestone experience, the players will slowly level up as they discover things. Discover how to get what they need more efficiently, skip parts, etc. I said 'at first.' Once they've gotten far enough, gotten their bearings, etc...they notice something's slightly different. Someone's slightly greener and nobody notices. A butterfly is a little goblin with goblin-patterned wings. something slightly changes in thier loop. next loop the little time gremlin's got a green ear. maybe they notice the bubble's slightly smaller. You've learned how things work, now execute. Whether you progress toward a failstate by amount of deaths/loops, or just give the illusion by going off progress, the pressure ramps up. The dragon they have to convince? goblin dragon. The city? slowly becoming goblins. Wild magic starts effecting party members, as even the concepts of reality start becoming goblin, under a sun that's starting to tint green. The bright side is you could do a bunch of the prep right at the start, and have far less to do as things progress. That's also the downside however, and the reason I haven't done it yet.

#dnd 5e #vivi rambles #5e d&d #dnd ideas #Of course when I compare it to a gremlin or imp #I'm really just thinking about Midna

[jj0latunji]

Unprofessional(M) - KSI Imagine

Wanted to read some more JJ stories on here and grow the audience so I took matters into my own hands so hopefully you guys enjoy.

The original version of this written by my friend is over on Wattpad so go give it a read.

Also love to @grace-xix for all the love on here , go read her stories cause it's some of the best on here.

Anyways here goes nothing xx

Also here's JJ and Ethan doing whatever this is

"Y/N stop being lazy and serve that customer." My manager snickered as I sighed.

I had been on my shift for almost 6 hours now and the loud music and the constant orders had taken a toll on me. Adding to that my manager never seemed to get the idea of a break so I had to stand at the bar and serve drinks the entire shift no matter how I felt.

I hated this job and I had gotten it only because I wanted some extra money for college and I was waiting for the right time to quit and search for a new job. I wouldn't say this job was a complete shitshow because I found my soulmate here.

JJ Olatunji, my boyfriend who I met when I was bartending here about 3 years ago. We hit it off immediately and even managed to hook up during my shift which angered the manager so much that he didn't pay me for the week. Amazing sex though so I didn't mind.

Me and JJ have been together for more than two and a half years now and things were looking amazing. We had decided on an apartment together in London to move into and I was also looking to start my own YouTube channel just like JJ had because he said it pays well and was low effort, so I could still concentrate on college.

I then realised that the customer was waiting for me to take their order , so I walked up to the bar and took their order and started making their cocktails. I handed them the cocktail and greeted the next customer but was instead suprised to see a familiar face that instantly made me forget all my troubles.

"Hey babygirl..." JJ greeted me taking my hand in his before kissing my knuckles.

"Hey babe , what you doing here." I asked him suprised as he squeezed my hand comforting me.

"I know your shift ends soon so I wanted to come pick you up but I'm here a bit early I guess." He said with a chuckle as I nodded.

"Well you can go sit at one of the tables, here take your strawberry daquiri." I said to him before making him his favorite cocktail and handing it to him.

JJ just thanked me and walked away and took a seat at a table but then he mysteriously winked at me and pointed towards his phone and told me to check mine.

I quickly told my fellow bartender to cover my station for a while before quickly making my way towards the back where I saw JJ stood with a smirk.

"I knew you couldn't resist." He said with a chuckle as he opened the door to one of the private rooms away from the main club.

"Yeah only because you look too hot in those tight pants , fuck me you look hot." I said as I locked the door and pushed him onto the sofa chair.

Hin wearing that particular pair of jeans always turned me on cause it usually left little to imagination.

"Don't get me started on how hot you look. I don't get how you manage to look this stunning despite working your ass off." He said as I straddled him.

"Just fuck me before someone figured out I'm not at the bar." I said with a smirk before bending down to kiss him.

He gripped my thighs making me moan into the kiss allowing him to push his tongue into my mouth as the kiss turned more hungry and lustful.

"Remove this.." I said unbuckling his belt and opening up his pant as he kissed down my neck and removed my bra from underneath my top.

I finally got his pants off which left him in his boxers and he pulled my skirt up so that he could line himself up with my slit.

"Fuck I love this top ." He said pinching my nipples through my top as I gently grinded against his erection, letting him feel my wetness.

"You brought it for me to be fair , now shut up and fuck me." I said lifting myself up a little as he pulled out his painfully hard cock, veins and all prominent as his precum coated his tip . He pulled my panties to the side with a smirk before finally burying himself in me completely.

"Fuck you always feel so perfect..." He said slowly swirling his hips around, letting me get used to his size.

"And you fill me up so perfectly, no one else can , no one hits that spot in me like you do , no one can make me feel like you do " I said seductively as I slowly began to ride him making him throw his head back.

"Fuck . " He moaned as he finally removed my top and threw it to the side revealing my perky tits to him and he wasted no time in running his tongue against my hard nipple as his fingers played with the other.

"Yes...JJ." I said as I felt him take my nipple in his mouth and lightly bite down on it. This seemed to turn him on more as he thrusted upwards matching my movement as the tip of his dick grazed against that spot in me that made me let out almost an animalistic moan.

At this point I was not worried about anyone hearing or interrupting us as all I cared about was reaching my high.

"Fuck that's it , let go, let me take over." He said as he quickened his pace , thrusting up harder as I felt my legs go weak and my eyes roll to the back of my head.

He slapped my ass and guided me downwards to match his thrusts to make sure he reached even deeper in me and soon he felt me tightening around him , making him smirk at me and pull me in for a kiss.

"Let go babe , let all your tension go." He said rubbing circles around my clit before pulling me in for a passionate kiss as I reached my climax with a scream muffled by JJ's lips on mine.

He kept thrusting up chasing his own high as he held my body close to his. Soon I felt him finish in me with a groan as we both slumped into the chair.

"Oh shit it's time to sign off from my shift, why don't we go continue this back home." I said kissing JJ's neck leaving dark purple marks on his skin.

We cleaned ourselves up in the private washroom before dressing ourselves up and walking back out to the bar to see the manager searching for me with anger on his face very evident.

"You go get the car , I'll be out in a few." I said kissing JJ and sending him away before going to face my manager.

"Where the hell have you been , don't tell you you hooked up with your boyfriend here again , how can you be so unprofessional." He screamed at me as I sighed . Yeah I quit.

"I know what I did now was unprofessional but all of us know you are the most unprofessional person here. You overwork and underpay us and don't even deny it cause everyone here knows it's true and I know you'll lose your mind and fire me but before that I want to quit , fuck you " I said matching his voice before removing my tag and leaving it on the table and leaving.

As I walked out I saw JJ stood near the door with a bright smile on his face , instantly making me feel better.

"I'm so proud of you." He said giving me a much needed hug before leading me out towards his car.

"It was a long time coming , I need to concentrate on college anyways." I said as we both got in the car.

"Don't worry about finding another job babe , me and Simon will teach you everything about YouTube tomorrow and I'm sure with your amazing personality you'll soon find your audience." He said taking my hand in his.

"Thanks Jide ." I said before kissing his knuckles.

"Also can I say something else...." He said with a smirk.

"Go on." I said with a chuckle.

"You screaming in there all angry really turned me on." He said turning the car on.

"Awwh is my JJ turned on ..... Do you want me to scream at you too." I said pinching his cheeks as he laughed.

"Why don't you scream at me when we get back home." He said with a wink.

"Anything you want darling." I said as we set off back home.

#ksi x reader #sidemen #ksi imagine #w2s #ksi #zerkaa #miniminter #sidemen x reader #enjoy this cause i sure did #youtube #ksi smut #sidemen smut

[halfmylife]

My Lady

Pairing Aldhelm x Fem!Reader

Summary You discover Aldhelm in your chambers, on the ground and covered in blood

Warnings mention of blood/ injury

A/N yes this is a very much what if you were Aethelflaed and reciprocated his feelings but how could I not, someone needs to love this man (I’ll do it myself if I have to) also it’s not the exact scene because I can’t remember the entire thing so it’s my own twist

The night was coming in quickly and with it a cool breeze. You didn’t mind it much though you knew it was time to retire. The events of the day had been weighing on you and all you desired was to rest. That was not what fate had planned.

The corridors near your chambers were surprisingly empty for a change, though you barely noticed it. What bothered you more was that the door to your room was slightly open. As quietly as you could you approached, half expecting to hear someone rustling around trying to find something.

That wasn’t the case. In fact it was unusually silent.

You crept forward, gently placing a hand on the wood before giving it a push. It moved with little effort but the sight made you sucked in a sharp breath.

“Lord Aldhelm!” You gasped at the sight of him. The lord was sat on your floor, legs splayed out in front of him. He was clutching his stomach where blood was looking out of him, drenching his hand. Aldhelm looked exhausted, sweat covering him almost entirely.

“My lady, forgive me.” He managed, though you knew it was a lot of effort to speak. “I did not know where else to go.”

“I must get someone to help.” Unsure of what to do, you turned to leave. Someone else would be better to help him. Why would he come to you? Aldhelm had always trusted you but you were no healer.

“You cannot!” He shouted but it was soon followed but a grunt of pain. The very noise caused you to stop in your tracks, spinning to look at him once again. He struggled to meet your eye as he spoke again “I would not ask for your help if I did not need it.”

That seemed to settled it. You shut the door behind you, though you knew no one was out there. It was just you and him. You would do whatever you could to help him, to save him.

“Let me see it.” You spoke softly as you crouched down beside him. Aldhelm seemed resistant at first, barely moving as though he was worried for you to see or even get a speck of blood on your dress. But you were careful, peeling back the fabric of his tunic to have a closer look. It was a deep wound but the bleeding was starting to slow. “Come.”

You knew he needed to be moved, neither of you could stay on the cold ground and work on the wound. You managed to help him to his feet and though he was a little unsteady, he soon managed to stagger over to a small seat.

There was a pause and an awkward silence before you wordlessly pulled his tunic over his head. The motion caused him to wince in pain but you were being as gentle as you could. Your eyes wandered over his bare chest, the muscles before resting back on the wound.

It was as though a fire had been lit in you, you busied yourself and got to work quickly, finding cloths and a small bowl of water to clean the wound. Once it was clean you focused on making sure the bleeding had stopped.

“I hope you forgive for me this.” His voice was low but his eyes never left your face. Aldhelm watched as you worked on the wound, he could feel the warmth of your touch seeping into him as if your touch alone was healing him. Perhaps it was.

“There is nothing to forgive, my lord.” You replied, you attention was solely on the wound, the blood. You had barely even registered that he had been watching you so carefully, the way his eyes traced your face as though he was painting it eternally in his mind.

“I dare say you wished to spend your evening differently.” He bit back a moan as you started to wrap the wound. You tried to be gentle, oh heavens you tried to be, yet every time he winced you felt a part of yourself break. You never wanted to see your Aldhelm like this.

“Nothing is better than spending time with those you care for.” Still you did not look at him, your eyes trained on the wound in front of you. “I would rather see you well more than anything.”

“Thank you.” It was sincere and breathy and it sent a flutter through your stomach. He swallowed hard finally looking at the wound. You had wrapped it well and it was looking far better but still the worry danced one his eyes. “I fear for the worst, I have lost too much blood.”

“A gut wound is treatable, even after blood loss.” You spoke sharply as you finished your work. The wound still looked angry but much better than it had, the bleeding had slowed considerably and he was fairing much better. You stood, towering over him, a hand gently placed on his shoulder. That’s when you finally met his eyes. “Do not loose hope.”

“With you here, I could never.” His own hand found yours. His skin was clammy though you did not mind. The touch alone warmed you. “My lady, if I am to pass from this.”

“My lord, don’t.” You interrupted him not wanting to hear it. Seeing him on your floors covered in his own blood was painful enough without the thought of losing him entirely.

“Please.” He begged, his eyes searching yours. He forced himself to stand, barely caring for the wound that ailed him. Your hand stayed in his, he even gave it a little squeeze before he said anymore. “You have my heart.” His voice was steady and certain and his eyes didn’t betray him. He meant it.

“Aldhelm.” You whisper half taken back by the confession.

“I know that I might not have yours and I shall carry that to my grave but I could not die without telling you.” Before you could deny him the words were rolling off his tongue as if he’d expected you to reject him now or even later. But you could not.

Aldhelm was not the man many thought him to be. He was kind and gentle and he had always had your heart. There were many occasions when you thought perhaps he had not cared for you, yet here he was confessing everything.

Your free hand trailed up to his has jaw, cupping his face so gently you worried you would break him with too much pressure.

“Then you shall live knowing you have mine in return.” Your voice was like a song to his ears, uttering the words he had longed to hear. He watched your parted lips as if waiting for permission.

“May I?” He asked, cocking his head slightly.

“You may.” You whispered. Aldhelm was gentle as he pressed his lips against yours but soon it became desperate, like he needed you as much as the air he breathed. You needed him just as much. You sunk into him completely, kissing him back with hunger as his hands held your waist in place.

You were his lady, now and forever.

#lord Aldhelm #aldhelm #tlk Aldhelm #the last kingdom #tlk #the last kingdom fanfic #tlk fanfic #reader fic #reader insert #x reader #Aldhelm x reader

[cilil]

🌿 for ask game. thank you!

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Now I may be both a good and bad person to ask about that because I've been inspired and writing almost every day for 2 1/2 years straight now and, while there certainly were unproductive episodes in terms of output or low motivation or stress and anxiety keeping me away from writing itself, I always had inspiration in my head at least; I suppose you could say I've been somewhat "blessed" with keeping this up without putting in real conscious effort. I don't think there's a secret recipe either, but I'll try to give some helpful (?) ideas :)

So a good chunk of this is sadly, or at least I suspect it might be so, dependent on how prone to hyperfixation and how attached to an individual thing you are on a personal level. Speaking for myself, I'm the kind of person who always has their "one main thing" and sticks with it for several years at least (I was tenacious enough to spend 5 years doing my own thing in a dead fandom) and slowly digs deeper and deeper as time goes on. Others may change interests more frequently, be in several fandoms at once or experience greater fluctuations with high and low creativity. That leads us to my first point: Know who you are and work with that, don't try to be anyone else.

The second thing I think is important is to find a good balance between trying to be reliable and finish your stuff and give yourself some space to do whatever you feel like and fuck around. You may have heard creativity being compared to a river before and it's true: Too much human interference - for example straightening a river - can impact the environment around it negatively, and too much scheduling and deadlines and forcing yourself to be creative will impact your creativity negatively. Make sure you have the space to at least occasionally do what comes to mind. You should be working on project A, but you're feeling project B? Work on B for a while. The muses are moody.

Another thing that may seem a little contradictory at first, but I think is helpful: Keep at it. If you do whatever is your creative thing regularly, it's less of a "big deal" and threshold to cross every time, it becomes natural and a comforting part of your routine. For writers, drabble challenges and prompt events are examples for good tools to ensure you write at least semi-regularly. But again, please don't feel like you have to force yourself to create every single day, especially if you're someone who experiences periods of little to no creative energy. That's fine. Let yourself recharge. We're all different (in general what works for me doesn't have to work for everyone else).

Now if you do find yourself in a bit of a creative slump or lose passion for a project you used to enjoy a lot, here are some things you can try:

Take a break and do something else. Scratch a different itch. Have fun!

Put yourself in the right mood/mindset by looking for media that evokes the feelings/vibes needed for your project (note that this will work better for people who are highly sensitive or otherwise react/connect to media on an emotional level more strongly). Examples: A playlist, a specific song you associate with your work, a movie/book/game/etc that inspired you, artwork of a character

Talk about it with someone else. Be excited together. Ask for advice if needed. Or just talk through whatever block you have; you may not even consciously realize it, but just to have someone listening will help with explaining the situation to both them and yourself and clearing it up

Write a project list (I recommend either a spreadsheet or a handwritten one). Sometimes the crux with a project is simply all the disorganized noise around it and you begin to feel anxious which causes writer's block and/or kills your creativity. Writing a list can clear that up, make you feel more calm and collected and show you a clear way forward. Note: This applies to other situations in life too. Try it and I promise things will become easier to handle

That's all I can think of right now. Again I can't promise any of this is "the secret sauce, but maybe some of it can help someone :)

#thanks for the ask! #cílil answers #writers block #may manwe sulimo our resident god of writing bless you

[surplus-of-sarcasm]

Revenge

Notes: Again, pulled this off my phone's notes, and it has been seen by most ppl on the gc, but for anyone else, here you go. I'm sorry, but ISTG high schooollll. . .ughhhhh

TW: blood, death, violence, past trauma, restraints, bone fractures, kidnapping

"I'm not a sadist, no. I don't enjoy the infliction of pain. Especially on innocents. The concept makes me rather sick."

Hero circled the room languidly, in a rather preditorial fashion. "But if I'm being completely honest, I do have a bit of a thirst for revenge."

"Revenge? Who even are you?" his captive asked.

He let out a shrill, cold cackle. "Don't you remember your little nightingale? Your favourite pet?" he spat. He lifted his hood, revealing his face.

And sure enough, it was him. He used to be a skinny, little thing, but now, he towered above him easily, and even though he remained somewhat slender, he obviously had a much stronger build. His face went from being somewhat childlishly soft even in its bony countenance to being harshly contoured with sharp lines. The nightingale had grown up. He wasn't an adult, no. He looked about sixteen, maybe seventeen.

Even if Supervillain was bound harshly to the chair with relentlessly tight ropes, he was determined to have the upper hand. He had a hold on this kid, he'd marked him, scarred him enough, and through all of his pride, he'd made him beg. It didn't matter if the intention was to escape, it still happened. One blissful time. And it was this boy's utter refusal that made him so beautiful to break. It was rarer, scarcer and thus more valuable.

"Oh, so you got all big and strong just to fight me, nightingale? How thoughtful of you!" he chirps with misplaced enthusiasm.

The crime-fighter laughed again, and it almost looked genuine as he wiped tears from his eyes. "Don't give yourself so much credit. You don't occupy that much space in my head. I trained for myself. I got stronger because I wanted to. You didn't inspire anything in me aside from this visceral urge to rip everyone who ever wronged me to shreds. I'm not giving you a taste of your own medicine. I'm giving you a taste of my most bitter poison."

"But you still made the effort to show up, no?"

"I told you. I'm into revenge. It's nothing personal. You're a liability to me. Means to an end. Basically, I'm a bored cat and you're my plaything. You've stripped yourself of the right to be treated like a human being." He shrugged casually as though they were talking about what they liked to order at a coffee shop.

"Well, what lovely activities have you got planned for me, nightingale?" the evil-doer crooned sweetly.

Hero swiftly sliced through the ropes with a knife. He grabbed him by the collar and threw him harshly across the room. He wasted no time on kicking him down roughly with the heel of his boot. He didn't give him any chances to recover. Aiming cruel punches to his face and kicking his ribs so many times he'd practically smashed his entire ribcage. All while the older man let out maniacal laughter.

"What a beautiful show you're putting on! Wondering what you might want with this?" he wheezed.

Cartwheeling and letting his boot smash mercilessly into his chest, the boy let out a downright animalistic snarl. "What I want, is to give you what you ultimately deserve. I was just some kid. Hurt, broken and naïve, and you turned me into a goddamn toy. And maybe sick people like you think it's funny, but none of your victims share the sentiment."

He wheezed again, sputtering blood. "Are you going to kill me, nightingale?" Supervillain let his voice drop down to a stage whisper.

"Of course I will. But this theme park has rules. Can't experience the giant roller coaster without going through all the other rides now can we?" His voice dropped dangerously low, dripping pure venom.

He ended up breaking almost every single bone in his former tormentor's body. All with nothing but his own hands smeared in blood that wasn't his and his feet that were clad in heavy combat boots. And endless cycle of throwing him against the wall "Like a single player game of catch," he'd stated, and he never gave him a chance to breathe, let alone get up.

He'd made sure every movement was an absolute pain. He'd rendered him useless now. If he'd thought he could power through this and break the boy's spirit once more, he was horribly mistaken.

"Nightingale, don't you think you've had enough fun for today?" he rasped out breathlessly, words feeling slow and heavy on his tongue that was now slick with blood.

His-previously-captive-turned-assailant laughed again, a sound almost as grating as nails on a chalkboard. "You better hope God has mercy on you because I don't. I am just a mere human being, lacking God's capacity to forgive atrocities. And this is far too personal."

He pulled out his knife and stabbed him in the chest so many times that he lost count. All the rage, pain, humiliation, just all of it fueled his every hit, blinding him with a flurry of pure, unrelenting hatred, like a monster drunk on its lack of mercy.

"N-never. . .never forget that I broke you before nightingale."

"Oh, and never forget that I built myself up and came back to break you, permanently."

He walked further inside, kicking the rusty himges of the ancient door down to find a little girl, same age as he was when he got taken by that sick freak. She tried to squirm away, useless against her restraints.

"Hey hey hey, relax. I won't hurt you. The man that took you, he's gone now." He crouched down to her level, expression soft and voice soothingly gentle.

"G-gone? When's h-he coming back?"

"Never, sweetheart. He's gone for good."

"Y-you killed him?" she whispered, terrified.

He bit his lip, not wanting to emphasise that he'd just committed first-degree murder to an eleven year old, but he nodded slowly.

He cut through the ropes, trying his best not to freak her out. The child got closer to him slowly, and as if on instinct, she wrapped her arms around his waist, or at least she tried to, and sobbed into his hoodie. He slowly reciprocated, taken aback by the gesture and surprised by how trusting she was. She was probably in shock, the poor kid.

He didn't let go until she did. "Do you remember any of your parents' numbers?" he asked.

"My mum's."

He talked to the mother, explaining exactly what happened as per the child's story. All the while he let the girl, frozen with fear, cling to him as they waited. Whispering words of comfort to try to get her to at least calm down.

After getting the location, she was eternally grateful to him for getting her daughter back.

And that was more than enough to outweigh any inkling of guilt he may have had for killing this psycopath. He'd spared so many kids, not just her, the hell he had been through.

✨️Le Taglist: @larinzz @syberianjade @lateuplight @altu-whump @enbious-prince @astr0-mj @thelazywitchphotographer @addictedsandwhichaki @justalittlecorrupted @quaggasus @dodo-docs @vernilliom @sirrsnakesssss @starssabove

Wanna be on the taglist? This'll take you there!

#NOT A PROMPT #hero x villain #whump #a little gremlin's writing #angst #revengeeee #minor comfort at the end if you squint #hero whumper #supervillain whumpee #hero x supervillain #hero x civilian #female writers #writers on tumblr #writing #fiction #NOT for use plsss

[misty-moth]

I wrote a silly/fluffy Halloween fic for Clavis 🎃🦇👻

The story has concepts from completing his route, just as a heads up, and is far, faaaar longer than I anticipated 😅

Divider: saradika

Clavis POV, Halloween theme, ~2.8k words

As per tradition, Halloween was a cherished week-long event in the Lovely Land of Lelouch™. An essential, and therefore mandatory, week-long event.

My adorable wife had bartered with me to revert back to the “old tradition” of only one day. Being ever the compromising partner, the week plan was put in play. I assured her that she was more than welcome to join me in the tricks department, but she assured me that her strengths would stay firmly in the treats department. Truly the yin to my yang. My perfect balance. Swoon.

I simply needed to condense a month’s worth of mischief into one spectacular week. A challenge I gladly accepted.

And so we begin!

~🦇🦇🦇~

~Halloween the First~

My dearest had plenty of tasty treats she planned to supply our community for the first day, from sweet tarts to prettily wrapped candies to caramel apples.

Caramel apples are a low bar for me, but that’s the best way to start the celebrations in my opinion. The week was young!

“Knock knock,” I leaned against the kitchen’s doorway as my wife turned to me with a grin. The counters were covered in the baked goods still waiting to be wrapped, and she was covered in an amalgamation of sugar, flour, frosting, and other things not nearly as sweet as her.

“Good morning, Clavis! They look great, right? I slept in more than I meant to, but I think I can catch up with some help.”

“Fear not, I am ahead of schedule and eager to assist,” I grabbed the furthest treat on the counter as I slid over to her. “So you can take a break, dear. I won’t breathe a word to anyone if you sample the wares.” I placed the caramel treat in her hand and she beamed up at me.

“Thank you, my charming husband,” she leaned up and pecked me on the cheek. My eyes widened as I watched her lean in to bite the caramel onion I had prepared first thing this morning. I… almost feel bad… but I need to trust the process.

Her teeth sunk in, and she began… chewing? Wait. I flashed a glance toward the end of the counter; had she rearranged them? Oh gods, where is it now?

She hummed. “Those turned out pretty tasty! I was a little worried, but I think they’ll be a hit with the kids. Do you want a bite?” She held the unbitten side to my mouth.

Well… this is the quickest way to check.

I took a calculated bite, feeling a trickle of juice run down my chin, and the undeniable tang of onion… is she okay? Have I ruined her taste buds? If I did, is that for the best or should I apologize?

Her face twisted in concern as she watched mine. “It’s not bad, is it? I don’t have time to remake them and give them time to dry,” she pouted.

“Of course not, sweetness! Everyone will love them and you and every second of effort you put into making them.” I kissed her forehead and she placed the stick in my hand so she could wrap her arms around me. With a squeeze, she released me.

“I’ll be right back, Clavis! Hold down the fort,” she skipped out of the room.

I stared blankly toward the hallway. “Cyran. Come here and try this.”

“That isn't in my job description.”

~🦇🦇🦇~

~Halloween the Second~

Yesterday did not go according to plan, but I love surprises, so it was honestly better than planned haha!

I was once again grateful that my lover was sleeping in a little later these days (surely from her diligent work on the treats front).

I loitered a bit myself this morning. There was a book elegantly placed on my lap as I patiently lounged in the parlor.

“Clavis!”

Aaaah, she’s awake! Today is already better.

Feeling euphoric, I dashed into the dressing room attached to the bedroom. I found her with a perplexed expression, facing the large mirror that was dripping with bright red paint in complete disarray.

I furrowed my brows, “oh dearie me, it looks like—“

“Wait, don’t tell me. I think I’ve got it,” she tilted her head as she squinted. “Beware… the beast… who…” she murmured before clapping her hands together, causing a rather unplanned jump from me. “‘Beware the beast that resides within!’ Right? Am I right? I think I’m actually getting the hang of Lelouchian!”

…Is that what I wrote? Or what it looks like to her? Her precious face, gods— “I am so proud that you could read it, haha! The power of love can even trump the daunting task of learning a new language, it seems.”

She grinned up at me before looking at the mirror again, a sigh escaping her. “I’d like this cleaned off so I can use the mirror, though.”

I cleared my throat. “CYRAN.”

“NO.”

~🦇🦇🦇~

~Halloween the Third~

Every day leads to a new opportunity to start anew. In my hubris, I assumed that the prep work needed for my side of the festivities was sufficient. I now know what not to do: underestimate my beautiful wife’s resilience!

I also learned not to perform any grand displays in our home as that mirror was impressively difficult to clean… so today’s activities shall take us into the great outdoors.

I placed a fluffy white scarf around her as she fixed my cravat into place. Taking her small, warm hand, we headed out on an autumnal trail we often frequented in the warmer months.

She puffed a small breath and giggled as the cold air made it visible. I tugged her hand over as I pressed her into my side. I placed a kiss on the crown of her head, and nearly grimaced where she couldn’t see. Why… *WHY* is she so cute?! She’s always this cute, obviously, but having to remember this now is making my job infinitely harder!

No, focus. This holiday needs me. This was my assignment. She needed this from me.

Fallen leaves were scattered across our path, clumped in varying amounts as we continued. Suddenly, she dashed forward, taking my hand with her as she giggled.

I immediately planted myself. A small yelp was heard, though I cannot tell you from whom it came from. For a rabbit so little, she sure could carry momentum. The leaves slipped beneath me, and I felt the inevitable wire amongst the foliage. I pulled us back, landing us both on our bottoms as a net hoisted an immense amount of leaves into the air, and loud pops carried a mirage of colors and glitter.

“Whoa!” Her eyes lit up, and her mouth fell agape. “Clavis, that was beautiful!”

“Hm?!” I nearly shouted before clearing my throat from that unintentional outburst.

“You set this up, didn’t you? The leaves fell so softly, and there was the popping… Those colors were so vibrant! How did you make those? With dyes?”

I think the sound I now made would still be described as a laugh by kind narrators. “Yes… yes, I used some new shades from flowers I traded for… and…” and I don’t know how we got here.

“You’ll have to show me after our walk!”

She stood up and held her small hand out for me. I stared at it for a moment. “I’m glad I gave Cyran the morning off.”

“Hmm?”

~🦇🦇🦇~

~Halloween… the Fourth?~

We aren’t putting too much faith in today being the winner of the week. All we can do in this life is our best. I took a deep, focused breath as I shifted against the front wall of our home before stilling.

While I pride myself on my usual attire, I’d say this full-coverage black outfit is the perfect fit for stealth. My lovely partner is set to join the others in town soon, and I’ll ensure she has a bit of pep in her step after I greet her from the shadows.

I am willing to accept a shout, a yelp, or maybe even a brief moment of surprise? Maybe a little confidence boost could be helpful in these spooky times. Then I can fully focus on tomorr—

I heard the door crash open beside me. Her small voice called out, “Clavis?”

My palm squeaked against the wall as I nearly lost my footing.

“Oh there you are!” She poked her head past the door. “No wonder I couldn’t find you, you look so different dressed in all black.” She walked up, hesitating before making contact. “And actually, I kinda think… I like this look on you,” her cheeks heated slightly as her palm rested on my chest.

Nope. Nope, today was not a necessity. Today was simply a small reprieve before a grander tomorrow. Keep moving forward, that’s what I always say. Such is the Lelouchian way.

“Ahaha! I’m glad you like this on me! You’ll have to help me out of it later,” I pressed a kiss to her lips and she leaned up to make it last a moment longer.

“I have to get going, so if you need it off sooner, ask Cyran!” She jogged off before I could say another word.

“…maybe Cyran can have a few more days off.”

~🦇🦇🦇~

~Halloween the Fifth!~

Alright! At last! This year has been a series of trials and, as to be completely expected, some errors… but now we will see a true prank from the master!

Waking up far before the sun graced this land for the day of reckoning, I went to work creating a true spectacle for my dearest to enjoy. Each trap was designed with just enough difficulty for her to feel a challenge and triumph before the next trap was triggered. Frights, jump scares, shocking sounds, spooky sights, all for our shared enjoyment!

Her sleep schedule grew continuously later each day, so I waited patiently on the chair by the front door. I picked the optimal place for her to safely reach me before exiting for the day, and to guide her into the last trap that she would undoubtedly need my assistance with escaping. I will graciously accept the role of being her hero for the day.

The distant creak of a door jolted me from my reverie and brought a smile to my lips. It would take her some time, and unfortunately I would miss her first dozen reactions, but there was simply no way for me to avoid each trap in time to get her out of this finale.

There was a loud thunk and more creaking sounds toward our room. I strained to hear, trying to time how long it took her between each noise, but it seems I’m too far.

I huffed a small sigh as I settled in my seat, a mixture of excitement and impatience to see her again. I need to concentrate if I’m going to hear anything…

*knock knock*

“GAH!” Gods, that came out of nowhere! Was that someone at the door?? I cleared my throat as I shifted forward, opening the door to see… my little… rabbit…

“Clavis, something’s wrong with our bedroom door. I think something fell over on the other side, and I couldn’t open it. Thankfully the windows are so big,” she was in her nightgown, a light shall covering her chilled shoulders.

…

But…

But that’s…

There was a strange groan coming from my chest. What could have fallen over there? That area was meant as a warm up! Was that the loud thump I heard? I swear there wasn’t anything like that over there.

“Clavis, you’re mumbling. Are you okay?”

I whipped around, determined to find the source that stopped yet another day’s plans.

“Wait, Clavis!”

The world swirled around me, the floor changing places with the ceiling. The feeling of soft but firm fabric pressed around me, the texture and appearance that of a spider’s web. The warmth encapsulating my body did nothing to calm the calamity taking place in my heart and lungs.

I was gasping— rather loudly, unfortunately. It took me a long moment before I thought to exchange those breaths for a laugh. My eyes met my wife’s, who is now likely concerned for my safety AND my sanity. She’s thoughtful like that.

Words… words words words… I’m sure I know some…

“Clavis, I don’t think I can reach up there,” her delicate eyebrows furrowed as her head tilted. Well. She’s beautiful even from 8 feet up. “Should I go find help? I think I saw Kai—“

“Cyran please.”

“You gave him the next few days off.”

I did. Silly me. “I’m certain he will need an employer to return to, and therefore would be willing to come in on short notice.”

She glanced toward the hallway. “I’m guessing I can’t go get dressed.”

“Not unless you made a return route when exiting the window.” She sighed in response. “Remind me to teach you that later.”

She glanced up at me for a moment. Reaching up on her tiptoes, she pointed her finger toward me with a low hum. “If only I was a taller little rabbit.”

She turned back through the door, and my voice followed. “I love you, dear!” This was the best I could offer, as apparently all of my luck for this year was spent far before the end of it.

~🦇🦇🦇~

~Halloween the Sixth.~

She found me here in the kitchen, surrounded by half-filled mixing bowls, drafts for traps that were destined to only exist as “works in progress”, and the many baubles that I’d dredged up from my workshop. My head was flopped on the tabletop, and I felt her small fingers thread through my hair before gently kneading my scalp. My eyes feel prickly… haha… don’t do that, eyes.

I saw her other hand flash in my peripheral. “Hey, what’s in this purple bowl? Is this edible—“

“What? No!” Her reach stopped as I took a calm, sophisticated breath. “I mean, it might be but— no don’t try it!” I’m trying to keep you alive here, you beautiful angel, but you can’t even distinguish between my attempts at making food and my attempts at creating new adhesives.

Her kneading switched to petting, which bruised my ego but soothed my inner woes. “Should I make breakfast then? I still have a lot of baking to catch up on due to the state of our home yesterday,” aaand now she’s patting my head. Tough, but fair.

I twisted around to wrap my arms around her, tugging her up onto my lap and placing a nestling kiss into her shoulder. “I can help,” I murmured into her skin, but I knew she’d understand me as only she could.

“The town will be eating these treats.” I nodded into her collarbone. “The children. The elderly. The in-between.” I nodded again. “And I’d like everyone to like them.” I nodded, trying to bury myself further but with nowhere to go.

Her body stilled. “Clavis, are you okay?”

I looked up to her eyes, which were less worried now but plenty curious. “Of course I am, my sweet.” I placed a chaste kiss on her lips.

She smiled, but there was still something off in her features. There was a strange silence before she hopped down and went over to the sink. She began soaking the dishes near her. “I just find it odd that you haven’t pulled any pranks this year.”

…

I need a minute.

~🦇🦇🦇~

~Halloween Day~

With her meticulous coaching and my no-nonsense assisting, the ultimate couple finished up the task of delighting our fellow people! Though their smiles were not produced from my mischief (as I didn’t have the proper time to dedicate to them this year), the festivities were full of cheer and laughter.

My hand held my love’s as it swung between us, and we made a few pit stops to speak with those not quick enough to run.

“Long time no see, Cyran!” My little rabbit sure was happy to see my loyal knight. Haha. Surely that’s curable. “Are you enjoying the festivities?”

“You’re kind for asking, my lady. I’d say this year’s events are all going according to plan. With any luck, we can achieve an even smoother week next year.”

She dramatically sighed, but her smile was cheeky. “I doubt we can. I think he’ll catch on by then.”

Oh, dearie me.

My arms snaked around her from behind, my chin propped on top of her head. Which emotion provided my laughter now, I know not. My eyes slightly narrowed as I looked over to my knight. “It seems I’ll have to plan better myself! After all, there’s only 365 days left ‘til next Halloween!”

Cyran returned my gaze. “364.”

Writing Masterlist

#clavis lelouch #cyran rose #halloween #ikemen prince #moth’s writing

[olumine]

LET ME SAY IT ANOTHER WAY : i call myself wound, but i will answer to knife.

an independent roleplay blog for the traveler, lumine / ying from genshin impact, as written by kendall (21+, he/she). minors dni. exploring themes of war, violence, blinding light, gender, being an alien, dehumanizing the hero, adrift in a world not your own, and more.

this blog will stay low activity. minimal formatting. mostly minimal effort. i don't have the energy these days for extensive rpc aesthetics, though i'll spring for a funny little icon every once in awhile. extremely headcanon dependent + canon divergent -- i've completely overhauled everything, down to the character design. not involved in the genshin fandom at large on basically any grounds. please note that while i don't consider myself particularly "selective," i am very busy. heavily affiliated with @kunigutsu's scaramouche, @bezdnayaks childe, & @yanwangye's zhongli.

under heavy construction!

(more extensive pages are under construction, but between the wiki & the caveats i've written below, i'm happy to mess around with plot & answer any questions til then.)

interaction .

as it is, standard interaction rules apply. other than the usual (don't be pushy, don't be a bigot, don't be weird), i'm very chill, i like to plot, to discuss interesting dynamics, & i'm good with every format of writing short to long. i'm fairly new here in terms of genshin impact but have been rping on tumblr for way too long at this point, & i'm coming back after an extended break. one thing, i really prefer it when ideas are exchanged mutually rather than one-way, so if we're plotting, please feel free to hit me with whatever & i'll match that energy!

portrayal .

okay, here's the big thing. please take a moment to briefly read over my interpretation of the traveler! while i enjoy the core lore of the traveler, i'm interested in pushing the personality + characterization notions gestured at by the game and playing around with them, pushing them to different limits. as it stands, my idea of lumine is quite. quite overhauled, so i'd appreciate any double-checking before assumptions are made. i don't own anything beyond the concepts i personally came up with, obviously. as it stands, this is a work in progress always, i'm still making my way through the full plot to boot, so bear with me. also, i am comfortable with duplicates, being followed by and interacting with!

biggest notes .

— my lumine is genderless, and is socially read as on the masculine side of the presentation spectrum. while i'll use she/her for ease, this is NOT a girl. no gender in space, and all that. this definitely includes her canon design! while i might reblog or like art that is designed in alignment with canon, that's not actually how i see her at all. give her pants. bigger muscles. strong strong hands. i'll write notes up on it in the future at some point. — genshin impact's got some, huh, things going on in terms of weird age gesturing while still being plenty sexualized. don't know what that's about. don't like it. don't subscribe to it. lumine is, appearance wise, mid 20s, but much older than that in actuality, obviously. — vital here, i basically do not know about fanon, i just got here, but what i've seen scares me so so so bad. i do not jive with essentially any of the "blushy, soft, ultra-squishy" of lumine. again! dni! — she's a fighter, intense, a little adrenaline-fueled. rougher around the edges, a little angrier, a little pushier; a little bit rude and sharp and to the point at times. i portray her with the idea that while she is helpful, she can be a bit begrudging, a bit worn through and over it, and absolutely not liked by most people she comes into contact with. i'm very down to explore dynamics that are more fraught than friendly.

character thesis in the meanwhile! scroll to the bottom for a bonus picrew of the babygirl.

The Cosmic Terror Of Light and Light As A Destructive Force

taking the knight thing to its natural conclusion of a girl who is so so so mad all the time and also so so repressed about it, but like, barely.

I Am Asking You To Endure It coding

getting more impulsive and weird as time goes on. already was kind of not cool not normal but objectively getting worse WHILE getting stronger.

you can trust her with your keys and your personal quest but she might deadpan roast you for your problems in the process.

vibes include being Covered In Blood and clearly exhausted but letting paimon hold her hand when she's scared

This Is My Brother And I Need A Shovel To Love Him

the hero has been irrevocably changed by the journey and even if she could go home, home would no longer exist to her! she knows this and is choosing to ignore it.

emphasis on the feeling alien + isolated + not belonging to the world. you're a strange human-thing that doesnt follow any known laws and well, isn't that a bit sad.

#pinned .

[shadowonwater]

Pokemon Scarlet, part the 4th. I fought a giant crab and then beat an avant-garde artist.

Whenever I start these it always feels like there's so much to cover. Well I guess one of the first things of note that happened to me since my last post was that Yarn Ball evolved. It turned into a spool spider. Well I don't think it's as cute anymore and it's clear it's not evolving again so I made my first teammate switch in a while. I replaced it with Tinkerton (the small pink thing with the mallet).

I had fun exploring the maze that is that rocky area. At one point I ran into a level 25 Hariyama, which was pretty high for the area, at first I was intimidated, but then I was like, nah, my Flamingo can take this guy. And it totally could have too! But the coward used Whirlwind and disappeared! I was like "Come back here and fight me like a Poke-MAN"

When riding on Koraidon, I keep finding myself trying to click on the button in PLA that let me dash, only to be disappointing at my lack of dashing. I really wished I could Dash, this will come up later.

While I was in that maze I saw a tera raid. The silhouette reminded me of a Tailow. Now I don't know what Pokemon are in this game and what are not so I thought it might be a Tailow. But instead it was something new! It was called Wattel I think? So now I have a tera bug Wattel, named Watt. (really creative, I know).

So I get to the Pokecenter next to the town so I can heal up before seeing the first titan. And I see those Squakabilly birds, so I catch the which plumage one and blue plumage one. I didn't see anyother kinds around there so I assume the green ones are found else where, I think there are also orange ones too. I'm not sure how many colors there are.

I also saw red Oricolo, I went into a battle with one and tried to catch it before going to the center. A bit of a mistake because I was starting to run low on balls. It had just a sliver of health left, yet it kept breaking out of the ball. I eventually caught it with the very last ball I had left, a Nest ball. I ran out of everything else. Glad my effort still payed off I guess.

So I go back and follow the map to try to find the titan crab, and it doesn't take too long. Oh btw, I also caught one of the non titan crabs that were around. I spent a bit of time beating up random crabs in the area because Floragata had such a nice time advantage. I kept one-shotting them. Soon both Lechonk and Wooper evolved while I saw doing this. I didn't even do it for long, they just both close to evolving. So I had a Cludsire and a female uhhhh whatever the Pig's evolution was called, Oinkage?

So I walk up to the crab on the wall and it just kinda scuttles away from me, and I was a little bit confused because I thought it would fight me right away but I guess not? So I follow it up the hill and *then* I battle it. I tera my grass cat and Magic Leaf it, suddenly it's low health and the battle is already over.

The crab goes back down and the game is like "follow the crab!" so I try to directly follow it down the cliff but the game is like NO that's too steep! So jump on Koraidon and go down there anyway. I tried to land atop the crab, but I don't the game expected me to do that so I went right through, so I was under the crab. Then the cutscene plays and I am no longer under crab. Arven also shows up, guess he's just been hanging nearby?

We battle the crab again together, which is cool. I was worried I wouldn't be able to Tera my grass cat again because already just used it, but the game let me, so cool. And it only takes 2 attacks. Sorry Arven but you really weren't needed here.

He makes sandwiches. And I already knew that completing one of the different paths was supposed to give Koraidon more abilities. And I figured it was this one, what with the herbs healing abilities. So no surprise when Kori wanted my food, so I gave it to it. And just as expected BOOM! New ability, I was delighted realizing it was the Dash ability, because I really wanted to Dash! :D

Arven gave me the other half of the sandwich, very nice of him actually. He doesn't seem to be very found of Kori though. (btw I decided to call Koraidon, "Kori" for short if you haven't already picked up on that).

Anyway the weird part is that I leave and Arven is talking to something or other. I assume a Pokemon, but we don't see what it is. He seems to be trying to heal some Pokemon. Whatever it is, it must be something major because the game won't show me it.

Oh man this has been a lot of typing only to just now get to the end of the titan part, now to get to the gym leader! I pretty much went to the gym leader right afterwards, no dilly dallying.

But one random thing I meant to say but haven't yet- Washing! During the picnics I mean. Washing my Pokemon. Similar to a feature from the Alola games, where you clean up your Pokemon to heal them from damage and status conditions. So similar feature, similar function. Playing it reminds me of giving my nintendogs a bath, what with the suds and shower-head.

Anyway I was washing all my Pokemon up to heal them one time. And I wondered if I could also give Kori a bath despite not battling with it. And I can! This pleases me :3c Can I pet the dog? Yes I can!

Anyway the gym. Apparently the town has a real artistic population, and I can see that reflected in how beautiful the town is. I was told to find 10 Sunflora hidden around the town. Was a bit worried about my frame rate already cause I heard about the sun flora messing with it. Well it didn't really affect me.

Anyway I wonder if the sunflora locations are randomized or not, I already found 3 just a laying there immediately outside of their pen, not very good at hide and seek, are they? It wasn't much trouble finding the rest, one battled me but that was it (I wonder if something like that is also randomized too). I also climbed around on that playground, that was neat, even if there wasn't anything that cool on it, just being able to climb it was cool.

Anyway, I forgot to also mention this but I switched out my pig for my electric bird Watt, was kinda excited about the bird because I had no clue what it would look like when evolved. So I used Watt to take out the grass leaders first 2 Pokemon and used my Flamingo for the last one. It was pretty easy, I'll be honest. Had a bit of trouble with Petlil's sleep powder but a berry was all I need to wake up my bird again.

Anyway the plant guy is... interesting? Didn't really expect the personality he has with the look that he has. If he were a Pokemon, he looks like he would be a grass/dark based off of appearance. But maybe not. He's just some eccentric artist and a bit of a weirdo.

"Avant-garde"? Nah All I did was creme you with a type advantage. There wasn't really skill to that at all. Anyway he's an artist, but of what? fine art I assume. But is it paintings? sculptures? Also do you think he's be friends with Burg? After all they are both gym leaders and artists. I assume that someone out there has already made fanart of them hanging out.

Anyway I talked about the titan, I talked about the grass gym leader, so you think I'm done right? No, I got more to say! I walked around in the area around the town and caught the fighting Tauros. As well as Dunsparce, the koala (which really packed a punch), Tandem mouse (which reminds of Pokemon like eggsacute and falinks), and Flabebe. I'm forgetting anything else I caught.

Then I went towards the 1st Star base. I haven't started the raid yet but I will soon. Something I only just now noticed, 18 types, 8 gyms, 5 titans, and 5 star bases. I bet all of them are a different type right? that's cool, I like that!

I haven't been battling random trainers much, because the game no longer forces it, I have a hard time keeping track of who I fought and who I didn't. I keep passing up fighting trainers because I want to keep exploring.

Anyway I love my shit when "Clive" showed up. You ain't foolin' anybody Clavell! I guess when he overheard all the way back in the school he wanted to get involved with Starfall. I must say, from the trailers I didn't trust him, but he's really endeared himself to me now.

I wonder how he's going to help me with the raid, will he be healing me maybe? I guess I'll see.

#pokemon #pokemon scarlet #pokemon sv #live posting #scarlet and violet #playthrough #first playthrough #klawf

[nbstevonnie]

so much (for) stardust

my (almost first listen) ratings for the new fob albums. if you even care.

hold me like a grudge - 7/10, clap clap clap clap clap! love the verses, but less bothered by the chorus. already it's grown on me since first listen. on re-listen, gives me slight IOH/SRAR vibes.

fake out - 9/10, LOVE the melancholic guitar riff, and the relatively muted verses really work with the vibe. "Do you laugh about me whenever I leave or do I just need more therapy?" The "love is in the air, I just gotta figure out a window to break out" unlocks something in me. Something nostalgic, yet positive?

Heaven, Iowa - 8/10 "baby please, would you read my eulogy" goes SO fucking hard. "When the party ends, will you still love who I am?" "Saving this all for later" "Half your life you've been hooked on death", the choir on "half the love~". THIS SONG HAS SO MANY GOOD LYRICS. And the poetry of scar-crossed lovers??? Even so, I kinda forget why I rate this song so high until those fucking guitars and drums come in and I'm like !!!! Literally the drums on this whole album are SO good and I'm not normally one to notice drums, so the fact that I am is a sign of how fucking incredible the drum arrangement is!

so good right now - 7.5/10, I love the positive and yet weirdly pessimistic vibe. "I cut myself down to whatever you need me to be".

the pink seashell - 10/10. in some ways, this can't be rated on the same scales as the songs . but like. this hits. the moment where the hauntingly melancholic notes turn triumphant when he says he finds joy in the small things? i feel emotions

i am my own muse - 10/10 the strings, the fucking strings!! and then the drop??? *chefs kiss* I think i'm gunna kill this song tho (if my sister hasn't already) 😬

flu game - 7.5/10 "last night i dreamt i still knew... youuuuuuuuuuu~" nanananananana all this effort to make it look effortless nananananannana

baby annihilation - 9/10, another one that can't quite be rated on the same scale as the songs but damn, if this doesn't also hit. "first time i took the mask off, just had another mask on underneath"

the kintsugi kid (ten years) - 8/10, firstly, just even the image evoked by the term "kintsugi kid". "I'm pretty sure, as far as humans go I am a hard, hard pill to swallow and i know i'm not your intended dose". LOW low (low) low. "Ten years in a bit of chemical haze and I miss the way that I felt... Nothing, nothing". the little baby howls at the end!!!

what a time to be alive - 8/10, what an upbeat pessimistic bop. "the view's so pretty from the deck of a sinking ship". "everything is lit but my lighting bolt brain" - what an image. even "what a time to be alive" is so... "may you live in interesting times", y'know? and patrick's voice on "aliiiiveee". and i just love the ending - feels really good to have that sudden end

so much (for) stardust - 10/10 THE FUCKING PIANO. CHILLS. AHHHHH THE SONG IS SO GOOD I CAN'T EVEN WORDS. the "thought we had it all, thought we had it all, thought we had it all, thought we had it all, thought we had it all". the "I need the sound of crowds, or I can't fall asleep at night I can't take my thoughts and I can't take my thoughts and I am awake" and the horns coming in on "awake". "I'm pretty positive my pain isn't cool enough, pain isn't cool enough" "I think I've been going through it and I've been putting your name to it" OKAY I HAVE TO STOP I'M JUST WRITING OUT ALL THE LYRICS but okay also the callback to the first song?? and the voices fading out as they sing over each other???????? FUCKING. TITLE. TRACK.

#i'm trying to do roughly my first impressions but i think already the ratings are shifting a little #heaven and kintsugi kid are probably up to a 9 #this album reminds me a lot of paramore's after laughter actually #there's a lot of upbeat stuff hiding some quite sad lyrics #honestly. that's how you end an album #fob

[winemom-culture]

I don’t feel like I did a very good job articulating my thoughts. The plan initially was to hangout on Friday this week and talk about things, so I circled back with him today to see if he wanted to go to a little brewery and talk tomorrow still. He said yeah, and then a few moments later said actually he wanted to talk tonight so we did. 

Seeing as I didn’t really have time to fully put my thoughts together I kinda clunkily danced around “well, y’know, you don’t have your license and stuff...I am really committed to marriage and kids in the next few years and idk if I see that as a possibility for us...” again. He kinda read into it though and was like “so is it just a socioeconomic thing basically?” To which I was like “I mean we also have kind of fallen into a hole of doing literally nothing besides watching movies when we hangout and while I do enjoy our time together, it feels like we lost our spark... we used to do things, y’know?” And that’s when he kinda got a little defensive and was just like “well I’m always down to do things.. I know I’m not free of blame there but I guess it’s just a matter of knowing exactly what you would want to do.” Then he kinda circled back to how that’s been a little harder because he’s been broke and I finally kinda butt in like “well I’M now not working (aside from the two low-paid internships) and I’m also going to be broke, so I have to start living within my means, I’m not going to be able to continue spending the gas money, or paying for us to do these things all by myself...” Which just sort of led us to a back and forth of similar things over and over for a bit.

Then at one point he’s like, “I know I sound like I’m just saying it, but I had a plan to take my license test with this first paycheck (because he did just start a new job) and start saving up, but if this is the case, then it probably is best for us to see other people. Even if I do get my stuff together I can’t gaurantee I can give you the kind of lifestyle you want to live, if you just want somebody more established.”

He wasn’t saying that to be mean or guilt-trippy, he was just genuinely articulating that I have the right to discern whether or not I want to keep dating, just like he does. Which is the truth. But it still kinda broke me down a little bit, because idk. I’m not like a golddigger asking for him to take over and be the breadwinner for Charlie and I. I’m always going to make sure I have my own shit straight. I’m not faulting him for the things he doesn’t have. I am just trying to say “I love you but we’ve been having this conversation at least since February and every time you say you have a plan but nothing about our situation materially changes, and I don’t particuarly believe you really have the drive to change that at this point” without sounding like an asshole. 

In therapy this week we talked about it and talked a lot about how I cannot control his reactions, but more-so in the context of me being worried about hurting him. But even throughout this, his tone was like “well, it is what it is, I guess there’s just nothing that can be done.” Now I’m hurt that I’m not getting any more of a reaction beyond that honestly, even though I know, out of my control. No “yeah actually I don’t want to lose you, so I will have xyz by this time to show you I mean it.” That’s is exactly what I mean. I don’t want your money, I just want your effort. Fight for this a little bit, like I have been for the past year. I want you to show me somehow that you care about me at all besides just talk, it doesn’t have to be grandoise or constant affection, just a small gesture here and there...doing “things” doesn’t have to mean fancy dinners or going on trips, it could be as simple as going out to see our friends every few weekends to break up the monotony a little. Our little day we had at the beach was nice and completely free. This is where I feel like I didn’t get my point across at all. 

Social anxiety makes me feel like an asshole for asking for very basic things from anyone, whether it’s something abstract like respect & boundaries, or more material things. (Yes, this is what we’ve been talking through in therapy too.) He is pretty much saying “I’m not confident in my ability to give those things to you and I think it would be better to end it here than keep trying.” The conversation will just keep going around and around in circles because we’re both too awkward to just fully say what we mean.

One thing that echoed in my mind after the call is something my therapist reminded me of at our last session, that I initially called him needing therapy as soon at 2017. He was like, “do you remember what happened the first time you called me? I have the notes here, why didn’t you end up seeing me?” and I was like “I couldn’t do it financially at the time.” He said, “did you stay complacent in your situation, or did you do something to change it?” and I understood what he was getting at at this point, and I was like “yeah I worked to be able to get to this point where I can pay for it.” and he was like, “was it uncomfortable to be dealing with your OCD and anxiety all that time? Did you let that stop you from making a better situation for yourself?” Basically, a really roundabout way of making me realize that I have ambitions, goals, etc. and I do work to get to them (albeit slowly) and if someone else wants to they will. That sometimes the discomfort is the catalyst for those changes.

My therapist also said I could suggest that if he can get some of these things together he could come back to me and we could reevaluate the situation, but not promise him that I would wait around. After talking to him tonight, it didn’t even feel worthwhile to do that because he just basically said he wasn’t willing outright. I guess that’s what hurts more than anything. I’m just really tired of begging for people to care.

We are still going to meetup tomorrow to talk, we agreed on that before we hung up the phone. I messaged him later and said we didn’t have to if he doesn’t want to, because I got the vibe on the phone he just wanted to end it there pretty much. He said he does want to meet, and he also feels like he didn’t really articulate all his thoughts clearly. I guess we’ll see what happens. It seems pretty clear that this is for real now, though. 

#venting #wall of text #sry

[loser-female]

Omg thank you so much for responding!

I relate heavily to the 3 issues you highlighted.

I'm still in uni and i tried to use Notion for long term projects because i REALLY need progress bars to feel like I'm actually working towards something. Hoewever, the lack of a "master calendar" is a huge deal breaker for me, and using notion for day to day isn't really practical. So i just feel like i have to sacrifice one or the other unfortunately.

One of the biggest hurdles i face is getting started with tasks. I basically just retrieve to freeze mode and feel paralyzed and don't do anything. It isnt normal procrastination it's definitely a freeze response that stemmed from abusive childhood but I figured since you're ND you might have some advice as to how to actually get started on tasks maybe?

Hi again! Notion is just my "content repository"

I mostly use the Getting Things Done method because it's so low effort to me, so my planning is very limited. (Brandi Michelle plans is a good source!)

If you work better with only one paper calendar 100% do it. IMHO having information in only one place is better because you don't mix up the things.

For the rest, same. Especially regarding studying as I've been abused by my teachers for years and it's still with me so I'm actively avoidant about schools. A part of my volunteering activities that would mean I go to schools and teach them something but I've refused - I was like "I'm writing the content, but no". I'm fine with giving adult presentations, teaching adult workshops... But no activities that involve schools.

The thing that helps me the most is... My medication. But, there are few tricks I do.

Do stuff with someone else. Everything becomes less of an annoyance if you are pairing up with someone and the both of you do the same thing together. It doesn't have to necessarily be collaboration - you can focus on your own stuff. I use this everyday because no one wants to be the asshole that scrolls social media while others work, so you have to work.

I tell myself "now I should do this" idk why but it helps me. It kind of "closes the other tabs" in my brain and open the new task.

Realise that even if my brain doesn't follow a "clear path" I still do the things I'm supposed to do. The more stress you put on yourself for the "I should do this" the less you are actually doing.

Realise also that a lot of "prep" things are procrastination. Such as "having to clear the desk", having to start working on a certain hour, having to write a plan... Lately I'm slowly desensitizing myself to these "rules" by breaking them a little bit more each time.

There is another thing. I said I'm a professional time waster and I am. I used to like... Rewrite the same information over and over because I was afraid to forget it or that my notes (unreadable to everyone else since they are written in two languages) were incomplete... I stopped.

I'm using flashcards now, and I reuse/update them as I go. My notes now are a page long instead of rewriting the whole textbook.

I hope this helps. I used to cry over frustration of not being able to start,and I still struggle sometimes. Fortunately it got to a bearable point.

#ADHD #ada.txt

[keefwho]

November 22 - 2022

8:29 AM

I’m eager to find more things to DO that are unique and engaging. Like fanfic reading streams or maybe some kind of event hosting group. Anything that isn’t me doing the same things alone in my room. There isn’t much to do in real life around where I am so I’m stuck with online connections but it should be enough to me. Maybe I could find things kind of naturally if I just put myself out there more like I used to. I used to advertise everything I did somewhere so I could fit into the right spaces but for awhile I’ve been keeping to myself. A good example would be my avatar work. Basically no one knows I even do it aside from friends and some shygal enthusiasts. 

I guess I already have some things to do, like work on my VR world or learn how to play guitar. If I do the VR world right, it should be a very social experience. Maybe I could get more people then I think to want a statue in the world. Maybe it could actually become a place people wanna hang out or put their art. It would be neat to maintain a world like that. 

The guitar thing would probably be a solo activity but very interesting to learn. I’d like to be able to play the songs I like just for fun. 

10:20 AM

Tummy is still fucky and it’s actually a little weird but no cause for alarm yet. My main concern is getting work done because I’d much rather let my body relax and heal. I am still a day ahead so I could do it but then I wouldn’t be a day ahead anymore. I figure I’ll try my best to get things done. It shouldn’t be too bad today. And hopefully I’ll feel better in a bit anyways. 

Unlike in the past, I try to deal with it and get cozy until it’s over instead of worrying about it getting worse and desperately trying to feel better. I accept I kinda feel like shit right now because I know it’ll go away and I’ll feel better eventually. Its a good excuse to shake myself of unneeded obligations and really cozy up. 

12:35 PM

I hate to do it but I’m taking a break today. I just physically need the rest. I don’t know why my tummy is acting like this right now but it’s annoying. Maybe I should start tracking these events so if I end up seeing a specialist, I’ll have something to give them. Might also help for my own knowledge too. 

1:13 PM

This fucking sucks. I cant even consider much happening to even be “abnormal”, Its just making me feel BAD. I want it to stop. Maybe I ate something off??? But what could it have been? Everything I’ve eaten has a very very low chance of being spoiled. Its also been gentle foods. Why the fuck is my body reacting like this? I guess it could be the cheese I ate but I never expect it to get THIS bad. 

11:41 PM

My stomach started feeling better around 5pm. I even felt genuinely hungry which is uncommon. I mean wholesome, tummy rumbling hungry. I ate a can of beanie weenies and some french fries. The beans were weird to me, they were way more bland than I remember which was kind of weirding me out. But is exactly the kind of thing I need to stop. I’ve made the conscious effort to not overthink this. The can was fine, the smell and texture were fine. My taste buds were probably just thrown off by the salty fries, especially considering the first bite didn’t taste weird to me. I guess I’m still overthinking it but the goal is to accept the truth and move on. I don’t want to stress over dumb shit like this. 

12:44 AM

Minor traumatic memory time. I remember age 5 when I was in a North Carolina courthouse while my parents were fighting for custody over me. I remember being largely alone for it, I was sitting outside the room they were doing it in. I remember it was high up and I would look out the window. My memory paints it as much higher than it probably was. I remember it like a skyscraper but realistically it might have been a 3rd or 4th floor. I remember looking at the brick ledge outside the window wishing I could be a bug out there, seemingly unreachable by anything else. Who would bother an insect tucked away in some bricks on the side of a wall so high up?

I remember wanting to be put with my dad which wouldn’t have been a good thing but I didn’t know that because I was a kid. I felt so helpless because I was told by him that all I had to do was go into the room and say I wanted to be with him but I was far too afraid. I know now it probably wouldn’t have done much considering the horrible case my father had, but my child mind made me think I was failing him and myself. I feel such sorrow at this memory and wonder how it might have shaped me as a person. I think when memories have such an important nostalgic feeling, it must mean they played a very big part in my mental development. I figure that the reason they still feel so strongly is because I still feel that way today about a lot of things. I still feel like I fail myself and others because of my fear of doing things that need to be done. I also feel like it won’t matter in the end since everything is outside of my control so why should I try anyways? 

Logically I know what’s in my control and what I should be doing to improve myself so there’s no real problem here. Just me talking to myself really. I just had this memory again and wanted to break it down a little. 

I still wish I could be that bug sometimes. Maybe with a friend there though. A couple little bugs high up someplace where no one will bother them. 

[sobwritesthings]

song blog 2 of n: dont delete the kisses

Ohohoho

When I first heard this it immediately brought on this terrible supercut of all my attempts at romance. (((internal screaming)))

The opening right away has such a haunting yet familiar feel to it:

I see the signs of a lifetime, you 'til I die And I'm swiftly out, Irish goodbye

I just recently learned Irish goodbye pertained to just leaving without saying a thing. Which makes this song ever more accurate as much as I hate to admit. I don't know what kind of sexuality it is when you dislike people (or maybe it's painfully distrust people...?) until you don't. And it's this terrible latching feeling that you want to be with them no matter what it takes. But that feeling of trying fizzles out fast just as it came. And it comes from a small thing like they immediately shut down a suggestion or ask the same question too many times or just talk too little.

What if it's not meant for me? Love What if it's not meant for me? Love

I think about it often how a lot of people deserve it. How often I root for them to obtain it for themselves and even celebrate it with them when they do. But for some strange reason, it's almost like a daydream for me.

I can imagine what it's like to hold someone's hand. I have a faint memory of what it felt like. I know what it's like to kiss someone and to hold them closer than friends should. But to feel and know they want to be there with you, under their own volition, without any influence from substance or work I've put in is just so foreign.

Sadly (?) I'm at that point in life when I don't put as much effort as I used to in pleasing people. Good for me, yeah. It however has solidified a lot of my fears that people liked being around me because I give out chances out of politeness.

Instead, I'm typing you a message That I know I'll never send Rewriting old excuses Delete the kisses at the end When I see you, the whole world reduces To just that room

I've also been working on oversharing less (to people I know but don't know me well enough). I didn't regret doing it during the online dating phase though. These guys will never hear from me again, might as well let it out somewhere. I hated being there. There were swift hits of validation I have to admit but the payback in their silence was maybe five times as heavy. Disinterest from someone you liked or worse, watch yourself lose interest in someone you liked was just an exhausting cycle for me. It made me question what I wanted and if it was even obtainable or even if it was, was someone like me deserving of it? I'm 100% dating sites aren't there for love. Some people are just good at forming and sustaining connections (a talent if you ask me). If ever I do find myself back on there, I must be either really confident about the version I'm in or just really really hate myself.

And the doors are closing, and you were waving And I like you, and I'll never let it show And you won't wait, and maybe I won't mind I work better on my own Mentally, spiritually, in whatever aspect is left. I am here. I made a joke the other day how these large vitamins I had to take for immunity were the closest thing I had to feeling something in my chest. It was partly a lie. It didn't make sense to ruin the joke by saying all the activities my heart felt for the last few years were just constant disappointment, letdowns, pain, regret, and sorrow. It's funny thinking about how someone new can break my heart now. After you've had people break it by dying or by taking advantage of your loneliness or kindness. Or by watching people descend into new levels of selfishness and even lower levels the act of loving takes you. I'm better off alone if it means I get to stay at the same low height from which they could drop my already repaired heart (ew).

And now I'm home, a little bit drunk And I ask myself What if it's not meant for me? Love What if it's not meant for me? Love

#sobpersonalpost #sobsongblog