#like i’m mostly recovered from the manic episode | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

marley-manson · 2 years

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☕️ GFA?

Thank you! It’s another long one lol.

SO like, I like it. I think it’s a genuinely great finale. Every character gets a fitting ending that suits them, usually in a sad way but sometimes positively. I kinda wish Potter and/or Margaret experienced some tragedy like the draftees do, but oh well, they got the least focus in the finale so that’s okay. I thought Klinger’s ending was sweet, Charles and Mulcahy’s effectively tragic, Margaret’s fine (she makes a decision contrary to her father’s opinion, I’ll take it), Potter’s... idk he gave his horse away and retired, it was unmemorable.

But what I’m really about here is BJ and Hawkeye’s plot, especially Hawkeye’s, so I’m just gonna gush about that mostly.

I love just about everything about Hawkeye in the hospital. I love how inevitable it feels, the show staying on point to build up to it since like, the seventh episode. The only sane response to an insane situation is to go insane, and we finally see it happen to Hawk for real. And it’s well done too, I prefer this take on a breakdown over pretty much everything we’ve seen before from Hawkeye and incidental characters. It feels more lowkey and character-focused and less sensationalized than, say, hysterical paralysis, or hypnosis recovering buried memories, or psychosomatic sneezing, or hallucinations, etc. We got the traumatic amnesia for the sake of the dramatic reveal and we got mania, we don’t need more than that.

And like, I love how they went for a manic breakdown instead of say depression and listlessness. They could’ve communicated Hawkeye’s MI through making him feel different and unHakweye-like (and we have seen him appear depressed in other episodes so it wouldn’t come out of nowhere), but instead they heightened the aspects we associate most strongly with him, and it works so well. The jokes, the word-association ranting, the energy, the emotion, the anger turned outwards instead of sideways. I adore it.

Like before I watched the episode I was very nervous about it because I knew I’d be very picky about how a mid-breakdown Hawkeye is characterized and I assumed I’d be disappointed, but nope, the show nailed it imo. Like I was beaming during the phone call scene lol, Hawkeye refusing to let them off the awkward hook by making angry joke after joke about it. Like “Just remember, every day you keep your best surgeon here you're killing patients :)" had me heart-eyed for the writing and acting lol. And then when he went on his rant about gaslighting after BJ triggered him? Chef kiss.

I also loved that he wasn’t cured when he remembered, or even after being discharged. It’s a low bar, but I have low expectations when it comes to old media and MI so Hawkeye still being a little manic when he’s back at the 4077 and Sidney coming down for a follow up was a pleasant surprise.

And then there’s BJ. This episode was both fantastic and terrible for him lol, in that it was an excellent, accurate, fitting portrayal of his character, and he was just awful in it. The first one to start playing hot potato with the phone call, talking about his baby child in front of Hawkeye when he’s well aware of what caused Hawkeye’s breakdown, acting inconvenienced when Hawkeye predictably gets triggered instead of remourseful (I will grant that this is obviously all in part to foreshadow the incident while preserving the mystery, but I can’t say it’s ooc), then - the wildest part to me - appearing hurt that Hawkeye doesn’t open the emotional door BJ can’t open himself and offer a heartfelt goodbye, because Hawkeye isn’t a mind-reader... then of course leaving without a goodbye or a note (having had plenty of time to prepare in advance while knowing he might not be able to say goodbye in the hospital, since he asks Sidney about it).

This all makes perfect sense for how consistently emotionally withdrawn and unsupportive he is, for how the pattern has always been Hawkeye supporting him no matter how awful Hawkeye might be feeling (eg Period of Adjustment), and for the theme of BJ being emotionally divided by making friends with Hawkeye and denying that by just silently escaping. But man it sucks for Hawkeye lol.

So BJ gets a do over, and even then he jerks Hawkeye around for ages with his refusal to say goodbye no matter how much Hawkeye needs to hear it. Obviously this leads to the touching final shot with the “note” and I think the writers did a great job of building up to that to make it feel conclusive and emotional, as well as meaningful to the characters and not just to the audience.

Like I adore that the emotional core of the finale is Hawkeye and BJ’s flawed friendship, and that we see those flaws in this episode but we also see how much they mean to each other. We got like half an hour of goodbyes here, and Hawk + BJ get the climactic spot, which is fantastic. The climax of BJ’s character arc is admitting his friendship with Hawkeye affected him, and I think it works, thematically. (On a watsonian level I don’t think the goodbye scene makes up for how emotionally evasive BJ was even in just this episode, let alone throughout the show, but it’s still a nice gesture.)

It’s also a great capstone to the little thread of Hawkeye’s reoccuring pattern of abandonment and it’s an a+ choice to work that into the finale to make the goodbye feel that much more climactic and satisfying. The writers honestly did a magnificent job of making this finale resonate with these characters in ways that have barely even been discussed verbally in the show, but are still on full display.

Like I’ve mentioned this before but I think “What if I was dying, would you hold me in your arms or would you let me lie there and bleed?” is an absolutely perfect line for Hawk to say to BJ, because it’s about BJ’s recurring pattern of refusing to be there for him emotionally. BJ will help Hawkeye if there’s something concrete he can do, but if there isn’t, he won’t just stay at his side and be supportive, he will toss him in the dirt and run away (Depressing News, Blood and Guts, most of Back Pay, Give Em Hell Hawkeye, The Grim Reaper, etc). I love how it becomes a significant aspect of the finale.

It’s just such good character writing, especially in an episodic show with iffy continuity in general.

Also speaking of character writing and continuity, I love how inevitable it is that Hawkeye is traumatized by the death of a child too. The show built up to that so successfully imo, From Hawk’s Nightmare to What’s Up Doc to Dreams etc etc. I think especially as a call-back to Letters, where the one thing keeping him going is being able to save an innocent life... kinda indicates that what Hawkeye lost in the finale was his ability to live with being part of the war machine imo. Also why I think driving the jeep into the O-Club was to some extent a suicide attempt. I’m not sure how purposeful that is though bc while Letters is def part of the lead up to the finale, the weapons repair bit is never addressed again and then Hawkeye salutes Potter lol so yk. But it’s a connection I like.

Aaaaand lastly I’m not sure how I feel about Hawkeye quitting surgery. I mean I think it’s awful and tragic and the worst possible thing for him, but I’m not sure if the writing also thinks that? It’s definitely meant to be the war affecting Hawkeye, but the way it’s phrased as wanting to be a small town family doctor and get to know his patients... feels a little too romanticized. Plus the way it comes after he gets back into surgery at the 4077 does seem like a way to try to distance that decision from the immediate trauma and make it seem like a more reasonable career choice. But like, it fucking sucks, it’s tragic, surgery is the one thing Hawkeye has ever wanted to do, and to end with him quitting his career track is so loaded, like how can you see it as anything but the war destroying him? So that’s like my one big question mark when it comes to the finale lol.

I think that’s about it. Thank you for asking!

send me a ☕️ and a topic and i’ll talk about how i feel about it

#mash #marley on mash #text post #(me googling the difference between recur and reoccur finally after just using the latter for everything and getting to be extra precise)#ask #mash s11 #bj mash #hawkeye mash #ship hb

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feralgremlinchild · 2 years

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Hey guys, I’m still around!

Idk when my last post was but I know it’s been a minute. I was hospitalized in March for a manic episode, and released about a week later once I was stabilized. Since then it’s been an absolute shitshow.

My mother had two brain surgeries, my sister had a baby girl and gave it up for adoption, there was a big cps case because the baby was born with drugs in her blood, my nephews dad tried to file for full custody, my psychiatrist retired, I was off my meds for 3 weeks (not by choice), I got food poisoning, I became my mother’s caretaker, I got heat stroke, my mother fell AGAIN and is currently in the hospital bc she needed 14 staples in her head and she also had pneumonia and sepsis and at least one growth on her pancreas

I’m sure I forgot something somewhere in there but that’s been the past 9 weeks or so. I’m ready for a nap. I’d like to get back on here but it’s hard to do much without my adderall, I mostly just watch tiktoks because it’s effortless and I don’t have to think about any of it. I’m also trying to avoid triggering posts here because my mental health is doing alright and I would hate for it to go to shit again. I’m pretty much recovered from my ed, which is really nice.

I’m still in therapy with my usual therapist, still going three times a week. My insurance is fully covering it, which is very cool of them

#text post #personal #mental health #update

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detoxtrembles · 2 years

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06.10.22.

I really don’t know how to move past things.

I had a horrible anxiety attack that felt like it morphed into a near manic episode. I said some bizarre things but nothing too bad. Mostly things like “I’m allGodd!!!!!” Things along those lines. I’ve been in a not-so-great place ever since. I cried this morning, and after my girlfriend was sarcastic with me, I cried again. It wasn’t even that bad, and yet there I was, cheerfully typing that I just didn’t really have too much energy to talk.

Self-deprecation jokes hit me funny. I make them to a point. But I don’t usually tell my s/o or friends “I’m a burden” in DMs. I don’t say “no one loves me” or “I’m worthless”, or anything along those lines or in that same vein of thought. So trying to diffuse the situation after finding out Cinzia died (the friend from earlier who was killed), after thinking about the very angry looking man who cried in our office today, after trying to reconnect with my friend who I haven’t seen in possibly a month (even though we live 10 minutes apart) and trying to recover from the previous anxiety attack… it was all just a bad mixture of things, it seems.

I don’t know. I think sometimes I’m too sensitive. Although at the same time, I’m also prone to adrenal tumors. I wonder why…

I’m on day 4 of being clean. The brain fog hits particularly hard sometimes. But I think I can do this. I do. I want to be better, I want to show my bio dad that I’m better without him. I want him to know that I did my best to be happy and that it was never because of him.

It’s been a long day. I have to get up early and try not to lose my mind at work, so… goodnight. Until another day.

#sobriety #alcoholism #anxiety

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bloody-wonder · 4 years

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ok so i've totally been rampaging through all of your aftg posts and i absolutely agree with you on everything except! i do think that andrew being bipolar is really the only thing that makes sense (not saying he can't have cptsd or anthing because he totally does!) even without nora confirming that's what she intended. 12am on tumblr has some really good posts i'll link in a different ask but u don't have to read them if u don't care lol. one of them is about the realistic and unrealistic (1)

hi there! i’m gonna just copy the rest of your asks in here and answer them as one :))

parts of his medication and basically what i got out of it was that the situation that gets him on his meds is pretty much unfeasible but the meds do make sense only if andrew is actually bipolar and misdiagnosed with depression, thus he's put on antidepressants. and andrew's only off his meds for about 4? months in the books so we really just may not have time to see him in a manic state (or, as another post says, he could have had a short hypomanic episode that neil never noticed). (2)

obviously a lot of what people might construe as poor bipolar rep is mostly just the effects of his trauma, but i personally do think andrew is actually bipolar ii alongside having cptsd. nora definitely didn't have a disgnosis in mind while writing and she admits it herself but a lot of how she wrote him does actually line up ok sorry for invading ur inbox lol!! i just love all of ur takes and when i saw that i wanted to share what i think

the posts you sent me are really very informative and written by people who actually know things about medicine and bipolar disorder in particular.

this one is about why they might have put andrew on pills, what kind of pills they might be and what lasting consequences on his mental health it might have

https://12am.tumblr.com/post/615311912973090816/hey-i-saw-your-answer-that-anons-question-really

this one is about how andrew’s drug-induced mania is different from bipolar mania

https://12am.tumblr.com/post/615313802919084032/hi-when-andrew-is-not-on-his-drugs-do-you-think

this one dives deep into andrew’s mental problems

https://battlefieldheart.tumblr.com/post/162732478229/lets-talk-andrew-minyard-more-specifically

this one does the same but is shorter

https://12am.tumblr.com/post/615315252774584320/i-wasnt-even-the-anon-for-that-last-one-but-i

it looks like both of them come to the conclusion that andrew has bipolar II. i didn’t even know there are different types so obviously i thought that andrew’s bipolar is either not there or misrepresented. i won’t say that andrew isn’t bipolar so matter-of-factly in the future bcs there’s obviously enough evidence to interpret him that way (and it’s confirmed by the author and we must welcome the rep). however i think it’s also important to note this remark op makes

More often than those things, we see depressive episodes in Andrew when he’s off his meds: feeling tired, thinking about death, feel empty, low activity levels, don’t enjoy things, hopelessness. It’s worth noting that a lot of those things are just Andrew. He’s got PTSD, and he’s depressed. If someone is always irritable and tired, those aren’t symptoms of an episode, it’s just their personality.

they also say that while there’s room for interpreting andrew’s diagnosis, there’s also no single canon answer. i suppose irl as well there are patients who can’t determine what exactly is “wrong” with them, all the while trying to discern their own personality traits from the symptoms of some disorder. my issue here is probably not with whether andrew is bipolar or not bcs it changes nothing in my perception of him, so much as with this - once the disagreeable behaviors that he has are framed as symptoms of a mental illness that’s where what i call “the fandom recovery narrative” kicks in: andrew has to recover which means he has to get rid of those disagreeable traits, he has to smile more, he has to express his emotions in “normal” ways etc. unless he does, he doesn’t recover, and if he doesn’t recover, then what’s even the point? what is a person who “doesn’t recover” even worth? why have we even wasted our time reading a book about them?

do you see my problem?

but ultimately what i knew already but still learned once more while writing this post is that my boy andrew is an intricate mesmerizing MESS and it’s important that we love him the way he is, no matter what diagnosis he has exactly.

just like neil does.

#andrew minyard #all for the game #bipolar II #the foxhole court #aftg mine #asks #i really hope i didn't say anything insensitive #aftg ask

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the-healingprocess · 3 years

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taking care of my caretakers

the flashbacks of my old friend’s suicide attempts force me to reflect on my childhood. mostly how it shaped the person I am, really. it is painfully obvious that I am an empath.

I try to explain being an empath to people and sound nuts, but I guess this sums it up:

The term empath comes from empathy, which is the ability to understand the experiences and feelings of others outside of your own perspective. You take things a step further. You actually sense and feel emotions as if they’re part of your own experience. In other words, someone else’s pain and happiness become your pain and happiness.

thats exactly it. I absorb someone else’s emotions as if they were my own experience. I understand and feel so deeply. I'm genuinely there with whoever is hurting or experiencing that emotion. I've always been like this.

looking back on my life as a kid, I really didn’t get to be a kid. my younger sister did, though. she was perfect. her life was different. my mother is finally coming to terms with that, but that is a whole different can of worms. maggots, really.

my mom struggled with mental health. she still does. she had a very hard life growing up, too. her relationship with my father was extremely toxic. they split up pretty early in my life. I was just a young kid but I remember it vividly. at the time, I was pretty close to my dad. he was worried I would let someone else “be my father” but he was my protector, especially when my mom had one of her manic, abusive freak outs. I think it’s bi-polar but she’s in denial. always has been.

my dad protecting me changed when he moved out. I became bait. my mom immediately started seeing someone else. I assume it was infidelity considering the first time I met him, she had an engagement ring on her finger. there was infidelity on his side, too. they hated each other. my mom hated me because I looked like him as a kid.

yes, hated me. and made it very clear.

the years of mentally and emotionally scarring verbal, physical, and emotional abuse I endured from my mom due to her mental health issues is not really the point of this, although it has impacted my life greatly.

my father being absent, using me to taunt my mother, stealing money from me since I was a child, lying through his teeth, and making it clear he never wanted me in the first place has also impacted my life greatly. he has set the bar extremely low for the qualities I have sought out in men.

my mom and I have worked hard to heal our relationship, but it has not been easy. it has taken years. I don’t forget anything...I'm not sure if I even forgive.

my father, on the other hand, I don’t have much emotional capacity for. he does not engage in me really. he told me not too long ago if it were up to him he would’ve “ran for the hills and never had a child.” I fear a man like him.

I fear being with anyone in case they are like him one day. they have made me feel that I am better off alone. maybe undeserving. I'm not sure.

the point of this was to reflect on the way I had to nurse my mother’s pill addiction throughout the years, especially while she was abusive to me.

when she was addicted to muscle relaxers, she was also pretty suicidal. she’d get into these blackout rage freak out episodes and tell me all the ways she plans to kill herself. where I could find her if I came home one day and she was gone. overdosed at the motel down the road or hanging from our front tree.

she said it would be partially my fault. I made her hate her life. she said I disgusted her. this was my father’s fault. she doesn’t remember these things. she wasn’t in the right mind. I wholeheartedly believe that despite being unsure of where I am in the forgiveness process with her. I don’t forgive my father. he launched me into the water to see if I could swim with a shark and left me there.

he never believed me either.

the nights I spent for years pulling food out of her mouth when she was too high to swallow so she wouldn’t choke to death. or if she was choking, to save her. having to pretty much drag her up the stairs because she couldn’t walk. helping her throw up. forcing her to drink water. stationing her body in bed with proper pillows so she didn’t aspirate.

I was just a kid going into my teenage years.

I used to walk to the park at night and cry after these episodes.

why was I taking care of my caretaker? I had to grow up so fast.

I took care of her just for her to abuse me when she was sober.

I prayed to whatever was up in the universe to push her to get help before it was too late.

I protected my sister, despite the fact that she never protected me.

she was diagnosed with anorexia. I helped her with fluids and sugars when she’d pass out in the kitchen or fall down. but when I was being beaten and called names, she just watched and let my mother shower her with love while I was left alone to sulk in pain.

we hate each other.

I was never enough.

over the years, my mother recovered and was properly diagnosed and medicated. with time, she reflected on her actions. she has made steady progress.

over the years, my father has dealt with several extreme illnesses and has nearly lost his life 7ish times or so. I can’t keep count. watching him on his death bed was mind numbing. begging him to try to take care of himself to stay alive and seeing him refuse to be healthy was exhausting. it still is.

he does not care. sometimes I wonder if he even cares to see me be successful. I don’t even think he knows how to do anything but talk about himself sometimes. but I'd have to ask my sister since they’re great together, too.

when I was hospitalized, he yelled at me for having to drive three hours to be with me. I “interrupted his poker tournament.” the flu had gone to my heart and lungs but, how dare I? typical me being useless.

people say the middle kid is always the least loved or undesired one - like the red headed step child type of shit. that’s exactly it.

he left me as soon as I got my own room and oxygen on me. he couldn’t miss the chance to win money.

all he does is fuck me over financially. he has taken money from me since I was a kid. I helped my mom pay our bills since I was 8. I know how much money I have and when it goes missing. when I was hospitalized, despite me being on family health insurance, he managed to put thousands of dollars of hospital bills in my name, lied about paying them, and let me go to collections. he has signed things and put me in collections more than once, all because of lying. my biggest fear is being a financial fuck up like him. I work too hard. these are just some examples of his shadiness.

he doesn’t call me, ever. I'm too exhausted to be the only one that tries.

when he does call me, he’s the one high on pills now and can’t even function. he’s addicted but at least he admits it. he needs them to some extent because of all the surgeries, but he eats them like candy and gets them off the streets. he knows I have no tolerance for addiction. I don’t understand it. it ruined my life.

the shit storm that has been my life has made me terrified to have my own family. the thought of bringing something so fragile into this world and having a broken home or putting it into harms way scares the hell out of me. I would never want my kid to feel even a fraction of the pain I felt growing up. I can’t imagine someone even loving me enough.

my mom and I are extremely close. we work on communication a lot. she vents to me about her relationship with her mother and I hear my angry, hurt child self in her. my grandma put her through so much pain. my grandma makes it very clear she favorites my mom’s younger sister - she openly says it. they haven’t worked anything out. it kills my mother. her anger and tears - I feel it in my heart. but, that was me for years and years. sometimes it still is and my mom knows it.

I am trying so hard to change my narrative. I deserve to.

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lonelypond · 4 years

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Tiger By The Tail, Chapter 5

NicoMaki, NozoEli, Love Live, 2K, 5/?

Maki and Honoka recover from filming, Eli and Nozomi go out to dinner, and Nico and Rin stay in.

Chapter 5

The video session had been manic. They always were. Honoka was now sprawled out on the music room couch, candy red uniform jacket open, tank top plastered to her torso with sweat, Maki was slumped against the wall, chugging water, jacket off, sleeves rolled up. Walnut parts were scattered everywhere, Honoka reached down, grabbed a handful, and tossed the shells in Maki’s direction.

“Wow.”

“Yeah.” Maki raised her mug in salute.

“That was like 10 minutes.” Honoka groaned.

“You got walnut shells in my piano.”

Honoka sat up, her arms wide and pounding up and down, “That part in the middle, that was so cool, you were like” more gesturing, “And I was” Honoka made cracking nuts movements, “and they were flying everywhere, cracking in half right when you hit the keys…that was the Russian Dance, right? Eli’s gonna love it.”

“I don’t think so.” Maki closed her eyes, head back against the wall.

“Why not, it was great.” Honoka sounded peeved.

“Eli’s a trained classical ballerina, Honoka, cracking walnuts to Tchaikovsky’s masterpiece is probably not going to crack her top 10 versions.”

“You’re wrong.”

Maki sighed. “We have to clean up now.”

Honoka fake yawned and stretched her arms wide, “But I’m tired now, Maki. And I want to show Eli the video. Think she’s done with her date?”

Maki raised an eyebrow. She would not have expected Eli, who lived alone, to return here, after her date, to this house full of people who might get in the way of any after date activities. “Eli might want some privacy. I’m sure Kotori would love to see the video.”

“Oh yeah, we looked amazing.” Honoka jumped up and grabbed the phone off its stand, “I’ll send it to her.”

They had looked amazing, Maki’s snowy tuxedo and Honoka’s vivid splash of seasonal red, Honoka’s uniform trousers out of the same fabric as Maki’s. The faux bearskin hat was now ludicrously off balance on the edge of Maki’s piano. At some point, Honoka had taken it off and started tossing walnut meats in it, which is how they got into the piano.

Maki flexed her fingers. She’d spent most of the day practicing for both tonight and the more traditional program Eli had put together. Finger fatigue and no patience for picking walnut carcasses out of her piano so what she needed now was a snack. “Cookies. We need cookies.”

Honoka bounced to her feet, “We do.”

Maki grabbed the hat, shook out walnut parts, and put it on, tilting it back, decisively giddy as she remembered a plate of snickerdoodles. “We’ll clean up tomorrow.”

“YES!” Honoka fist pumped, “You’re the best, Maki. I’ll be down here right after breakfast with a broom.”

Maki tried frowning, but could barely dent the energy that made her want to tap dance across the floor, “You’d better. It’s bad enough that you invi…”

“Maki.” Honoka sounded serious.

“What?”

“You said you would stop blaming me.”

“No, I agreed to stop mentioning that I was blaming you.”

“Isn’t that the same?”

“No.” Maki tossed the hat on the couch, giddy bubble burst, “If Rin ate all the cookies, you’re making more.”

“There’s some in the freezer.”

“Good.”

###

Eli opened the door for Nozomi, who had a dark gray dress with a slightly darker pattern scattered over it. Eli had opted for a dark green turtleneck tucked into light gray trousers.

“This is a very cute little place.” Nozomi glanced around the small room, shifting her shawl.

Eli waved at the bartender, who smiled back. “Yeah, it’s very cozy. I recommend it to a lot of my clients.”

They slid into a circular back booth. “Do you bring them here yourself?”

Eli shook her head, “No. After a long day of hiking or skiing, they’re usually tired of my jokes. I only have 5.”

Nozomi brushed Eli’s arm as she took off her shawl, staying close, “I’m sure that’s not true. You seem charm.”

Eli laughed, “I am charmed. By you.”

Nozomi tilted her head and her next comment was in Japanese, “Perhaps I meant you are charming. Do verb tense hints come with dinner? And is there a quiz with a prize for excellence? I am only motivated by reward.”

Eli’s grin broadened and she continued the conversation at Nozomi’s speed, “My apologies, Nozomi-san. I could not resist the word play. And you can have any reward you want.”

Nozomi arched an eyebrow, smiling at the waitress but waving away the menu, “That is a very generous offer, Eli. Aren’t you worried about what I might demand?”

Eli shrugged, opening a menu and placing it between them, “No. I might be intrigued.”

“Possibly you should be worried.” Nozomi’s hand brushed Eli’s.

Nozomi sensed nervousness as the seemingly bold Eli concentrated on the menu, speaking without making eye contact, “You seem like a holiday gift in a lonely winter so I just intend to be grateful for the brightness.”

Nozomi smiled. “And what does the local tour guide recommend?”

“Seafood, always seafood.” Eli paused, “There are vegan and vegetarian options though…”

Nozomi glanced at the menu, then caught Eli’s eye. “Local specialties are fine. Everything I’ve seen looks tasty.”

A blush. Nozomi was starting to feel confident. Eli might be adpt at teaching skiing to groups, but perhaps Nozomi could provide private tutoring on other sports after dessert.

###

Nico was restless. Her siblings were sleeping in Japan so no video chatting with them. There was nothing in this rustic kitchen that Nico wanted to eat or cook. This was not Nico’s house so she was not going to clean. And she had already added Nico Ni songs to all of Maki’s playlists, for which she would obviously be thanked for once Maki realized how much they had been improved. So Nico was watching Terrace House because at least it felt a little like home.

Rin came bounding through the kitchen, talking as she chewed. “Hey, Nico, these cookies are great!”

Nico shook her head and pulled the blanket Maki had given her closer.

“What you watching?” Rin jumped over the back of the couch.

“Terrace House.”

“Nah, Nico. We’re in America. Watch American.” Rin grabbed the remote and slid next to Nico. “There’s some show with truckers or ice fishers or something.”

“Nico is getting tips from the models.” Nico reclaimed the remote.

“Hey, good idea. Is this an episode with photo shoots or something?”

Nico shrugged, “Nico doesn’t know.” Then Nico pointed the remote at Rin. “When are we starting the shoot tomorrow? No one told Nico the schedule.”

“We’re not!” Rin threw a pillow in the air, “It’s amazing. Umi actually said I can sleep in. She texted me.” Rin showed Nico her phone.

“Why do you have a picture with that fan person as your wallpaper?”

“Because Kayo-chin’s the cutest.” Rin threw herself back against the arm of the couch, hugging the pillow and grinning.

“Kayo-chin?”

Rin shrugged, “Cute nickname for the cutest girl.”

“Where is she?” Nico had spent all of dinner answering very detailed questions and then Rin had dragged the fan girl upstairs to show the girl the bunk bed she was going to get. Nozomi had decided to move into Umi’s room and Umi, ever gallant, had agreed not to strand a compatriot in a lonely hotel.

“Kayo-chin wanted to take a bath and a nap.” Rin yawned and leaned back against the pillow, “Ayase-san wore her out. They ice skated all afternoon. You’d be worn out too.”

“Nico is in excellent shape.”

“Cold makes it harder.” Rin considered tossing the pillow but Nico’s glare deflected the impulse.

Nico didn’t reply, her attention returning to the three women having a chat in the girls’ bedroom. One of the women was upset by how a male resident was treating her and getting support in her distress. Nico decided the two women would have been better off with each other, but nobody decided to be gay or bi. Some poor suckers actually seem to like being het. Nico snorted. Why in the world wouldn’t you want legs and curves and fire and someone who looked pretty and felt soft and sweet bright breathy whisperings ....Nico shook her head. She needed urban stimulation. Or a job to do. Too much quiet and daydreaming about improbable…A door slam and clamoring voices interrupted her thoughts.

“Hey, Maki, race you to the cookies.”

“Honoka, it is literally 5 feet away.”

“Ha! I won.” A pause and some opening and closing noises, then grief…”The cookies are gone.”

Rin leaned over the back of the couch and shouted, “I ate them.”

Another opening noise and then Honoka, sounding apologetic, “Sorry, Maki, there’s none in the freezer either. I can make some from scratch.”

“That’s all right,” Maki came into the room, jacket over her arm, shirt half unbuttoned and mostly untucked, chunky gray wool socks with a red toe cap looking silly with her creamy white tuxedo pants. Seeing Nico and Rin on the couch, she nodded a greeting and curled herself into an armchair by the fire, box of frosted wheat cereal in hand, “Cereal will do. What’re you watching?”

“Terrace House.” Rin grumped, “I told Nico we should watch American.”

Maki considered Nico, and then crunched a handful of cereal, “This is okay. The location is really pretty in this season. Makes me want to snowboard. And Tsubasa’s dad’s restaurant is great.”

Nico clucked her tongue and pulled her phone out, typing rapidly.

“Nico is always on social media.” Rin stated proudly, “Make sure you follow her. She can get you a lot of TWIG fans. Do you have an account for this place?”

“No.” Maki had one personal, very private TWIG account and it was locked.

Honoka bounced into the rocking chair with a bag of chips. “That’s a great idea. What’ll we call it? Cabin in The Woods?”

“That was a horror movie.” Maki crunched another handful of cereal.

Nico snorted, seemingly amused. Maki frowned.

Nico pointed at Maki, “Number.”

“What?”

“Your number.” Nico pointed to her phone.

“You are not posting my number on social media.”

Nico rolled her eyes, “No. Send list. Nico needs... “ Nico’s English ran dry and she waved in the direction of the kitchen, “Eats.”

“There’s ‘eats’.” Maki countered.

“I did a grocery store run yesterday. Everything’s stocked.” Honoka was rocking back and forth.

“No.” Nico was insistent.

Maki got up, leaned over Nico, who avoided staring down Maki’s cleavage by turning aside as the redhead reached for Nico’s phone, “Let me see….miso, bonito flakes, shoyu, sesame seeds, wakame…” Maki frowned.

“Proper breakfast.” Nico stated.

“I like cereal.” Maki insisted.

“Nico’s cooking is for...” a frown, Nico grabbed her phone back and typed quickly, then pronounced slowly, “appreciative tongue.”

“You mean palette.” Maki corrected automatically.

“Like painting?”

“No, Honoka.” Maki stared at the unyielding Nico for a minute, then slid back to her chair and cereal crunching, “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Arigato.” Nico bowed her head.

“Why do they even bother with him?” Maki grumbled, as she watched the on screen shenanigans.

“Baka.” Nico decided.

“Truth.” Maki offered Rin the cereal box, Rin grabbed a handful, Nico looked horrified.

“Baka.”

“You already said that.” Maki pointed out.

“Nico meant you.”

“Huh?” Maki grunted.

“Use bowls.” Nico ordered.

“Why?” Rin and Maki echoed.

“Germs?”

“I washed my hands.” Rin defended.

“It’s my food.”

Nico shoved Rin. “You’re both worse than Cotaro.”

“Who’s Cotaro?” Maki asked.

“My little brother.”

Maki hugged the cereal box.

“He’s not here, taking your...feed.”

“Feed is for animals.” Maki stated.

“Nico knows.”

Maki snarled, grabbed another handful and crunched loudly. Nico shook her head and turned back to the screen leaving Maki to glare. Terrace House; they had a system. How did they get random housemates to get along? And sometimes even go out on cute dates. Winter was a great season for cute dates. The ice skating date this season had been super adorable. But what Maki got instead of cute dates was people harassing her food choices. She frowned at Nico, who caught the expression, smirked and stuck out her tongue. Terrace House wasn’t like this, Maki thought. Those people almost made sense. Nico made none.

A/N: I hope everyone is staying safe.

#NicoMaki #NozoEli #Nishikino Maki #Yazawa Nico #Tojo Nozomi #Ayase Eli #Hoshizora Rin #Kosaka Honoka #Tiger By The Tail #Holiday #fanfic #Love Live #Love Live School Idol Project

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vndic-a · 4 years

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aka the plot hole where they were like here’s some shit called the black oil / black cancer and it’s legit for alien colonization and mul.der was infected in it and the show talked about it like one valid time and then used it as a plot device to say he’s not only fine but incredibly medically healthy !!!! and that’s bananas so now i’m here. im just gonna ramble off the series of events that took place and the overall effect, with a simplified summary at the very bottom if you don’t wanna read this whole spiel. the first few paragraphs are literally just going to be a timeline and recounting.

in earlier seasons mu lder was seen having what was known as ‘ black oil ’ ( or the black cancer or purity ) poured into his face, an alien virus that was chillin in some deposits in the earth after a meteorite struck tunguska in 1908 ( the meteor actually happened google it ). in the show they displayed some wild russian gulag where random individuals were having it tested on them trying to find an immunity and mul.der got wrapped up into it. obviously, a lot of prisoners began to die due to it, but mul der eventually managed to fight his way and break free with no evident initial side effects or any influence until season 6.

the black oil is an alien virus used to infect other species in order to overtake them; essentially, it enters the body and can have a multitude of effects, including taking over full control and having the body do the aliens’ bidding as they choose. it’s an organic mind control. the entire purpose of it is to reproduce and conquer other species.

three years later, upon finding an artifact that provided proof that humanity may have been created by aliens ( gotta love txf ), mu lder falls into a crippling state as the artifact re-activates the black oil. while the reactivation doesn’t serve its initial purpose ( he’s not being controlled by anything ), the alien dna activates in a part of his brain. agent mul der begins to feel severe migraines by the first episode, but before long falls into an extremely manic state and displays abnormal brain activity, eventually deteriorating so far as being admitted to a mental hospital in a padded cell where he’s unable to communicate and is extremely violent.

our good pal kritschgau ends up helping along as well, a former character who knows about these experiments with the alien virus on humans and injects mul der with medication to slow down his brain activity. they test mul der to find he has the ability to read minds, and that he / his brain is essentially frying from all the activity and over-stimulus and etc. he is dying. he also falls in and out of a catatonic state throughout the episode, as well as falling into a seizure from the various medications he’s injected with, etc.

eventually, mul der is kidnapped by csm and diana to undergo a surgery to remove this portion of his brain. later on in the show as well, after muld.er’s eventual abduction, mul.der is said to have been dying from a brain tumor, as further indication the the oil may have done more damage while it existed. the tumor was going to take his life in less than a year by that point. returning from his abduction he died, but scu.lly had found evidence in other abductee’s bodies also exposed to the oil, that the black oil was resurrecting them to turn them into alien hybrids for colonization. they were able to save and revive mul.der with no lasting impact of the colonization.

that being said, everything after this point is going to be headcanon, everything above was just canon retellings :

fox for sure still has moderate influence from the alien dna. viruses that target specific areas of the body can absolutely cause a long term impact and scarring, and there’s no reason to expect that a virus attacking his brain and trying to change the way his body works and even beginning to succeed slowly would simply recover without a hitch. while it was said to have only effected a portion of his brain in the temporal lobe, the resiliency of the brain and its tendency to rewire and reconfigure itself based on need seems like it would be impractical if all of his issues went away because this random human brain surgeon was like i can probably just take this out and we’ll be gucci, and then later when it’s proven to still be there because of his resurrection, that anti-virals and temperature control would manage to kill it and his body could heal perfectly. that ain’t it chief.

i wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s maintained the ability to read minds explicitly, but it’s definitely tied in further with his natural intuition. as is, fox has an incredible ability to understand situations and people in realms beyond logic and science and he’s almost always right. he can set himself into different perspectives masterfully. to tack onto that : since the events of the alien dna in his brain, some of the capacity to tap into the extraterrestrial side remains, unknown to him. he isn’t aware that he can work himself harder into perceiving things greater than him, touching on reading minds or experiencing strange explainable sensations and leads from nothing again. he doesn’t even know some of the alien dna still left irreparable damage, and it may be no guarantee medical examination would be able to show the results of something that’s so unique. a medical examination may identify damage but not what. what was before a bit of uncanny luck and coincidence due to his intuitive nature is now extremely so on the occasions that he heavily exerts himself, unknowing he’s pushing himself to the limits of heightened brain activity and beginning to utilize the minimal remnants of his reworked mind. he’s grazing read minds and emotions in such a way he isn’t even realizing it, but gaining feelings, sensations, sometimes even pictures or clues or colors in ways he never has before and sometimes in manners that don’t even make sense. it’s like seeing his emotional victims/suspects/etc, finding a dead end, feeling that frustration and analyzing all the information over and over and it may be even the slightest suggestion, the image of something in his brain like an old memory he’s about to forget and all of a sudden so much makes sense but he could never explain the leap it took to get there. he often keeps these findings to himself until they make sense, but he does go out of his way to look for them and make the pieces connect as they have reliably in the past.

the temporal lobe also has dealings in memory, that is facial recognition, language / speech recognition, etc. fox has always had a fairly keen memory and a spectacular attention to detail — i would say it’s only sharpened it vaguely, in such a manner that it was surprising before, it’s not much more surprising now. scu lly would truly be one of the few people to notice any of these differences in mul der, and even then, they’re so wildly minute and specific he hardly even notices them. this is mostly important as well due to all of the concussions and knocks he’s had, a risk to his mind / memory i won’t go too deep into, but having that heightened resiliency is insurance he won’t begin to lose it or face complications in the near future in that regard.

a side effect of these heightened abilities is overworking — he can’t quite strain himself in the way he used to. the more he forces, the more he tries to focus on, the more likely he’s going to burn out and a severe migraine will begin to form like those he had initially gained from the alien artifact. he’s known to push himself for over 24 hours sometimes on some cases, and for it to be an unconventional chase where he’s going entirely off of a hunch and then some, a lot of that strain and searching for a small detail, a literal needle in a haystack, can be so painfully infuriating. bright lights begin to bother, etc.

#.☄ ° ゜ as you claw the thin ice . ⇢ fact.#.☄ ° ゜ jon “jovi” bon bon bon bovi . ⇢ ooc.#look what... i rewrote #i added more abt his post-abduction era as well #bc prior i only had it abt the s6 finale portion #i haven't added more to his long-term problems bc like #i didn't wanna make it crazy #he's just a dude ass dude he's not william #but there certainly is a lot and the brain is powerful #and i'd love verses to explore it deeper bc i've rarely gotten to #but this is the gist of it

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eddiemoonson · 4 years

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Rant about the episode? Rant about the episode. (Or maybe not, I never know how long these will be until I finish typing. And I'm on the app so I can't put under a cut because idk how. Sorry about that)

It's not that I liked or disliked this episode specifically. I'm disliking the whole season. I had a real hard time with this show this year and you know when someone/something hurt you somehow and you becomes wary of them? It might have been unintentional but you can't help it, you're afraid is gonna happen again so you just steps away? That's me and Shameless rn.

About 10x08: I confess that I thought it would be worse, but in which sense, I'm not sure. They have been treated so unfairly with their scenes cut short or cut out entirely that I was afraid that their fight was going to look unsatisfactory and disjointed. It wasn't like that, it made sense, it felt like old shameless, when the show used to give me feels.

So they fought and it was bad and made sense and I think that's the root of my issue with this episode. To me, specifically, it feels out of place within the season? It was like a throwback and if I wasn't burned by the show to the point of having to emotionally distance myself from it, I'd have enjoyed immensely. It bothers me that I couldn't bring myself to do it. Their proposal scene was beautiful, the scene with the Milkoviches was a little funny because of the two guys legally married for 9 years just so can't testify against each other (I still think it needs more Mandy and Iggy but what can you do? And Sandy is just meh to me, I don't understand her character at all: she's a lesbian, she announces it in front of Terry and stands up for Mickey and yet she grabbed his cousin's junk, alluded to previous sexual stuff they might have done together, said they were not related and acknowledged he's gay 2 seconds later? I mean ?????? But Terry can fall from the face of Earth for all I care, what else is new?). Their second lunch date was cute and again, the proposal was beautiful. Ian saying "I trust you" out loud was more important to me than him saying "I love you", if I'm being honest.

The fallout was intense and in character. The acting was amazing, I wish again that Shameless could offer Noel and Cameron the opportunity to be recognized by the industry, their performances, given the chance, are breathtaking. I didn't like the punch at all and they could have written in Cameron's injury in a different way but it is in character? Mickey was raised in violence and it's hard for him to process negative emotions (in s3 he was shooting in those abandoned buildings after 3x666 and he punched and kicked Ian after; in 5 he was drinking a lot; Debbie even said "you can't drink him away") and yes, he's grown a lot, but recover isn't linear and all of that, I guess.

I still resent the basic reason for it, though. Both Ian and Mickey are told that married couples can't testify against each other and they both get this advice when they seek for it, it's not an information they get in passing, they're trying to find a way to protect the other because they both believe the other is a murderer.

But they don't hash things out, don't come clean that they're doing it *right at the moment* mostly to protect each other. Because that's their best option then, it's kinda of their last resort. It wouldn't kill for them to say "I want to marry you and I wish it could be under better circumstances but we're running out of time and we need to cover our asses fast". Maybe because I go out of my way to explain stuff in details just to avoid any misunderstanding, this rubs me off the wrong way (and also because I have zero patience for this trope, it's been done over and over again and I'm tired of it). The fact that both of them are sure the other killed Paula also bothers me. Why? If Ian was manic, well, we've seen him put a knife at Kenyatta's throat and threaten those church homophobes. So, manic!Ian might be capable of murder but Ian is completely fine in his illness department right now. And Mickey was raised in violence and crime but the closest he got to actually murder someone on screen was Sammi. So why they believe the other is capable of pushing someone out of a window? (The fact that they believe the other can be a murderer but are completely okay with it is the same bullshit shameless always tries to sell as comedy but isn't funny at all, in my opinion). Then, in the courthouse, when they find out it wasn't any of them, they could stop and reassess and realize that yes, marriage is a thing they both want but it doesn't have to be now and it doesn't have to be like this. They have time. But I guess a fight is better? 🙄🙄 This episode was this season's curve ball so far, imo. They had screentime, development, sweetness and heartbreak. It feels strange to me because they've been denied that for half of the season.

I've said time and time again that all I wanted for them was to live in peace but they always get the short stick, it's disheartening. I guess we have to wait and see what else they have in store for them. I hope they continue with the raised bar. Hm.

Tl;Dr: I don't feel Shameless with the same intensity I did before which is both good and bad. But I think it was a good episode, which in itself, is a novelty this season.

#long post #it's a long rant lmao #shameless spoilers #now I'm late for work

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vndicate · 4 years

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that being said, everything after this point is going to be headcanon, everything above was just canon retellings :

#.☄ ° ゜ as you claw the thin ice . ⇢ fact.#i added more to the post-abduction era and etc.#not many of the long-term effects are on there but

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vexedtonightmares · 5 years

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La Fin Des Temps Chapter 18 (Elu Hogwarts AU)

Vendredi 20:27 - “Here are all the things I never told you”

Lundi 9:56

lucallemant: Hey Eliott, hope you’re doing ok, let me know if you want me to come see you at all xx

Mardi 11:42

lucallemant: Harriet misses you in potions, she failed the draft we’re brewing today because of it. One might even think you were a good potions partner after all ;)

lucallemant: I miss you too, but I know you need time

lucallemant: Don’t forget that I’m here, though

Mercredi 8:10

lucallemant: I just realized that I don’t even know if these messages are going through, because your Instagram is deactivated. I hope they are, so I’ll keep sending them. I tried to visit you in the hospital wing, but the nurse said visitors weren’t allowed. Hope that was ok with you, and not just her deciding for you. Anyway, I’ll try again tomorrow, love you.

Jeudi 17:12

lucallemant: I’m making a playlist of all the songs that remind me of you. Don’t know why, actually, but I guess I’m missing you extra today. Nurse wouldn’t let me visit again. Maybe I’ll get a boombox and play these songs outside the hospital wing until she lets me in like in those old movies.

lucallemant: I miss you Eliott

lucallemant: I hope you miss me too

lucallemant: I don’t care that you’re bipolar, all I care about is having you in my life. Whatever you’re worried about, I can handle it, I promise. If you can deal with my mess, I can deal with yours.

lucallemant: Not that being bipolar makes you a mess

lucallemant: That came out wrong

lucallemant: I just want to be there for you

lucallemant: <3 je t’aime

Lucas didn’t know if they were going to be ok.

Eliott had been in the hospital wing all week with no visitors allowed. Lucas had tried to visit every day, only to be shot down. He didn’t know if Eliott was still manic, or if he’d entered a depressive episode, or if he was just recovering on his own. It ate away at him, day after day not being allowed to see Eliott and know exactly how he was doing.

The boys were doing their best to cheer him up, but he couldn’t help but worry. Basile even relayed some stories with his mother’s experiences with the same disorder. Lucas had been surprised to hear it, since Basile was a pureblood, but his family had always been tied to the muggle world, realizing that there were some things muggles understood better than wizards, especially things like this.

Lucas was, for lack of a better word, hiding, in his refuge under the Quidditch stadium. He’d told everyone he was going to do homework somewhere quiet, but really he just needed somewhere that made him feel like everything was going to be ok. Being down there brought back memories of his first kiss with Eliott, the first kiss that had really mattered to him. It was drizzling again now, not quite pouring like it had been that night, but it was making him even more nostalgic than he already was.

Idriss and Sofiane had kept in touch, telling him to just wait it out if Eliott wasn’t ready to see him yet. They sent their love from Paris, and it comforted Lucas more than he cared to admit. He knew that he wasn’t alone in the world, but he was worried Eliott didn’t.

Another reason Lucas had come to this place was his knowledge that Eliott might look for him there. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but it was still a possibility. Eliott might show up and pull him out onto the field, kissing him under the moon as it rose to its apex in the sky.

His phone vibrated, jolting him out of his reverie. Manon was calling him, which was a tad unusual. Usually she just texted him when she needed something.

“Hello?” he answered uncertainly.

She breathed out a sigh of relief on the other end. “Thank goodness. You haven’t heard yet, have you?”

Her words made him uneasy. “Heard what?”

“Eliott. They’re transferring him to St. Mungo’s.”

Lucas’ heart dropped to his feet. No, he couldn’t let that happen. He knew firsthand what St. Mungo’s did with things they don’t understand. If Eliott really needed to go anywhere, he would be better off at a muggle hospital. He started to tell Manon this, but she cut him off.

“I know that, of course. But that’s not the problem,” she said.

“Then what’s the problem?” Was his voice shaking, or was he just imagining it?

She paused. Then--

“He’s gone, Lucas. No one knows where he went.”

“What?” he asked sharply, certain he’d misheard her.

She repeated, “He’s gone. I overheard the nurse say that she left for a moment to use the restroom and when she came back, he was gone.”

“Putain,” Lucas hissed, mostly to himself. He’d been hoping Eliott would escape the confines of the hospital wing, but not like this. Preferably, once he felt better and able to return not only to Lucas, but also to classes and the mundanity of school life.

Her voice turned worried. “You don’t know where he is, then? We were hoping he was with you.”

Lucas held back a sob. “No. He’s not.”

“Putain,” she swore, “Merde. I’ll call you if we hear anything, ok?”

“I guess so.” He didn’t know what else he could say, or do. Where could Eliott be?

“Bye, Lucas.” There was silence on the other end, but he knew she hadn’t hung up yet. “Everything will be ok, all right?”

“All right,” he agreed, but they both knew it was a lie. She hung up at last and Lucas dropped his phone on the floor beside him, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face in his arms. He hated this feeling, this hopelessness.

His phone buzzed again and he dove for it, hoping it was an update from Manon and not just someone liking his post on Instagram. He blinked at the screen, opening his messages cautiously, not sure if he should believe what he was seeing. There was a video attachment from Eliott. He clicked play, but it was just a black screen. He was about to close it out when Eliott started speaking.

“Lucas. I’m standing in the place you poured your heart out to me for the first time. I should have talked to you then, or even any of the other times after. All the nights hidden in the room of requirement and days spent learning each other’s bodies and minds as if they were everything we ever needed in life. There was so much I should have said, but now it’s too late to tell you the way I’d hoped someday I’d be able to, so I’m afraid this is what you get. Here are all the things I never told you.” Lucas paused the video, not sure if he was hearing correctly. Eliott didn’t sound like he had a week before, he just sounded empty.

Lucas clicked play. “The first is that I hoped I’d never have to tell you at all. I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry for it all. I was selfish, thinking what we had could end any different than anything I’d had in the past. I know you know now that I’m bipolar and why I was expelled. I’m equally relieved and pained that I never told you these things myself, because you deserved to hear it from me. I was scared to lose you. You were so special to me Lucas, don’t ever think you weren’t, but I can never be what you deserve. And you deserve the entire universe. No, all the universes.”

Why was Eliott speaking in the past tense? Lucas’ hands were shaking as he continued listening. “Maybe in one of them there is a Lucas and an Eliott who are married, together forever. I would like to think that’s true. Maybe there’s a Lucas who plays the drums, or an Eliott who isn’t crazy. I’m sorry you were stuck with this one. Another Eliott will come along and love you like I tried to, but he won’t fuck it all up. He’ll be whole and unbroken and every inch the man you deserve. I wish it was me. I wish so badly that it was me.”

Lucas stopped the recording. This was bad, this was very bad. Idriss’ words were ringing in his mind and he couldn’t stop thinking about how this sounded eerily like a goodbye. Eliott had said where he was, hadn’t he? Lucas scrubbed back to the beginning and listened to the first part again.

“I’m standing in the place you poured your heart out to me for the first time. I should have talked to you then, or even any of the other times after. All the nights hidden in the room of requirement--” Lucas didn’t hesitate, rushing out from under the stadium and out into the open, running as fast as his legs would carry him. He didn’t want to be too late. As he ran he continued listening from where he left off.

“--I fell in love with you the moment I saw you in our first class together, the one where you didn’t see me. I fell in love with you when I saw how your face lit up when I came to sit by you at lunch. I fell in love with you when I showed you my drawings in the bathroom and you didn’t flinch from the first shred of myself I’d given willingly. I fell in love with you when we laid on the floor talking about patronuses and I had to resist kissing you for the first time.”

Lucas was running faster than he ever had in his life.

“I fell in love when you played piano for me and shared a part of your soul for the first time. I fell in love when you were worried about me when I disappeared for days on end.”

He nearly barrelled directly into Manon and the girls, who called after him in worry, but he ignored them, pleading with the universe. He prayed, pleaded, If there is a God out there, please don’t let me be too late.

“I fell in love with you when you told me about your life in the same place I stand right now. I never told you why I’d been up there in the first place, but it was the same reason I’m up here now.”

All that was left was the massive staircase leading to the astronomy tower. Lucas took all the steps two at a time, three if he could manage it. Eliott’s voice sounded thick with emotion now, no longer cold and flat.

“It’s getting cold now and a part of me doesn’t want to go, but I know I can’t stay. So here’s the last thing I never told you: I fell in love over and over and over again, but I’d do it all again in an instant. I guess I’m still selfish, after all. I’m sorry, but at least know that you were always le premier in my heart, even at the end. There’s no one like you.”

He was so close, so close.

“You made me forget for a minute that we’re all alone in this world anyway. We’re all so alone, trying to find a way not to be, and it never works. No one will ever love anyone the way they want to be loved. I tried with you, though, but I wasn’t enough. I never am.”

Lucas made it to the top of the stairs, gaze jumping frantically to find the boy he loved more than anything in the world. The tower was empty.

“So now I’m alone again, the way I was always meant to be. I love you, and I’m sorry for not being the person you deserved. I love you so much.”

The recording broke off at the same moment Lucas’ heart shattered so deeply he could feel it like someone had actually stabbed him in the chest. He was too late he was too late he was too late.

“ELIOTT!” he yelled fruitlessly, blinking tears out of his eyes when they caught on something bright and he felt a sense of deja vu. I never told you why I was up there in the first place, but it’s the same reason I’m up here now.

He followed the patronus, Eliott’s source of comfort, and found himself back out on the ledge, inches from falling, inches away from where Eliott stood, face turned up to the sky, tears mixing with the rain on his face. Lucas’ heart cracked open again, but this time it refilled itself with relief. He wasn’t too late, and Eliott wasn’t alone. Not anymore. Never again, if Lucas could help it.

When Eliott looked at him it was like he thought Lucas was an apparition. His face was apprehensive, like he couldn’t allow himself to believe that Lucas was actually there, taking steps towards him, trying not to fear the shallow ledge.

Lucas reached him, and Eliott fell apart, collapsing into Lucas’ arms. His body wracked itself with sobs, and Lucas let the two of them stand there like that for a moment, arms wrapped around Eliott tightly enough that he hoped Eliott understood what he was trying to say. I am never letting go.

The rain was beating down harder now, or maybe it was just because of how high they were, so close to the sky that they could nearly touch the stars. Lucas unwrapped one arm, using it to tilt Eliott’s chin up to look him in the eye. “You are not alone,” he said, pouring all his emotions into the statement.

“I’m here.” Then, in French, because it was the language of love, the language of them. “T’es plus tout seul.”

Vendredi 21:21

Lucas and Eliott were lying in Lucas’ bed, legs tangled together and arms wrapped as tightly as before, still disbelieving that the other was actually there. Lucas had cast a Muffliato charm around his bed to keep people from hearing them, not that there was much to hear, as Eliott was asleep against Lucas’ chest. Luckily it was early enough in the night that all of Lucas’ roommates were still out and about, or simply waiting in the common room.

Lucas was vaguely aware of changing the two of them out of their rain soaked clothes and into large, warm gryffindor sweaters, of lying down on the bed, but everything was a bit fuzzy from the moment he’d held Eliott out on the ledge. There were simply too many emotions coursing through him to begin to process everything that had happened.

He shifted slightly and felt Eliott’s arms tighten around him. “I’m not going anywhere,” he reassured Eliott, not even sure if Eliott was awake to hear him. He’d thought Eliott had been asleep from the moment they’d laid down.

“I know.” The words were soft, barely a whisper, but they were the first Eliott had spoken to Lucas in a week, other than his message earlier. Lucas felt a tear drip gently down his cheek. Eliott knew that Lucas was there, that he wasn’t going to leave, and that meant more to him than he knew what to do with. “T’es plus tout seul,” Lucas repeated quietly. He would say it every day for the rest of his life if he had to.

Eliott tipped his head up, opening his eyes to meet Lucas’. “You are not alone either.”

Lucas’ throat constricted with emotion, and Eliott unraveled one arm to lift a hand up and brush the tears from Lucas’ face. “I’m so selfish,” he said to himself, and Lucas pressed their foreheads together.

“Why now? Why are you so selfish?” he demanded.

Eliott glanced downward. “Because I’m still here. Because I didn’t want to be alone.”

“Fuck that.” Lucas’ voice must have been harsher than he intended, because Eliott blinked his eyes back up in surprise. “Fuck that, Eliott. It’s not selfish to want to be loved. To want to not be alone. You deserve it. You deserve to love yourself, too. You know what is selfish? Thinking that you can just leave me, leave your parents, hell, even leave Lucille, and that none of us would care. When I thought--” he cut off, taking a deep breath.

“When I thought you’d… Something cracked, a fissure so deep I’m not sure it will ever heal fully. I don’t want you to feel guilty for it, but you need to know that the thought that I’d lost you forever broke me inside. I love you. You deserve so much more than even I can give, and I’m willing to give you all the love I have.”

Eliott didn’t answer, but the gleam in his eyes was answer enough. Lucas wanted to kiss him and promise never to leave, but that wasn’t what Eliott needed right now. Lucas knew that Eliott knew, deep in his heart, that he wasn’t alone anymore, that he was loved, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still need time. And that was ok. They had all the time in the world.

“Lucas and Eliott number two thousand twenty-seven,” Eliott murmured, “How does their story end?”

How does it end? Well, that was simple. It doesn’t end, not really, because as long as Lucas and Eliott number one are writing their stories, so are all the Lucas and Eliott’s in all the universes. Eliott number two thousand twenty-seven was bipolar as well, and he had also been weary of Lucas’ reaction. So he kept it a secret, but, as most secrets do, it came out in a burst of wedding talk and cheap ham on a… boat. Yes, on a boat.

Eliott chuckled softly and Lucas could have sworn he had never heard a sound so beautiful in his life. “Ham on a boat?” Eliott clarified, but for once Lucas didn’t chide him for the interruption.

“Of course. This Lucas and Eliott aren’t as classy as us, they don’t get the fancy restaurant and hotel experience,” he answered, keeping his tone as light as he could. Eliott nuzzled in deeper to Lucas, which he took as a go ahead to continue his story.

Things happened, as things do, and Eliott was gone. Lucas was scared, so he called Lucille, who told him why everything was happening. She was a bit of a bitch about it, actually, said some harsh things that made Lucas think Eliott didn’t, or couldn’t, love him.

Lucas couldn’t help himself with that one, he was still a bit mad at Lucille for not letting him in to see Eliott earlier in the week. Eliott frowned up at Lucas. “She didn’t actually say those things, did she?”

Lucas debated lying, but decided to tell the truth. “Not… exactly. She said some things, but the sentiment remained the same.”

Eliott sighed. “I wish I could say that was a one time thing, but that’s Lucille for you. You can probably see why I didn’t want to talk about her.” Lucas laughed softly before continuing his story, unable to keep himself from pressing a small kiss into Eliott’s hair.

Given what Lucille number two thousand twenty-seven had said, Lucas was heartbroken and scared, didn’t know what to do. So he just didn’t do anything. He stayed in bed and cried, because this Lucas cried at the drop of a hat, numbing himself to the pain that he felt. After he took time and felt a little bit more like himself, he decided to research bipolar disorder, knowing that even if Eliott didn’t want him anymore, he had to try to understand. He probably got shitfaced that night with Emma, or Manon, or both of them, but he’d needed it, in some ways, needed to get out of his own head.

Naturally, he would feel like shit going to school, but he would confide in his friends about what was going on and Basile would school him on his knowledge of the disorder, making him feel terrible for ever doubting Eliott could love him. Mostly, Basile would educate and encourage him, giving some great advice Lucas hadn’t thought Basile would ever give.

“Why Basile?” Eliott asked.

“His mom is bipolar,” Lucas said, brushing a stray hair away from Eliott’s eye. Eliott blinked up to meet Lucas’ gaze. “Really?” he asked.

Lucas nodded. “Really. You are not alone in that either.”

Eliott didn’t respond further, so Lucas continued from where he’d left off.

This Lucas, he knew by then that he loved Eliott more than anyone else in the world, but now he was afraid that Eliott didn’t know it. So he decided to try to fight for them, but he was unable to get through. He didn’t know if Eliott’s parents maybe didn’t want Eliott to see anyone, or if Eliott himself was backing away, isolating himself intentionally or unintentionally. It had been nearly a week since he’d heard anything and, as much as it pained him, he thought maybe that was a sign that he should let go.

Then Lucille texted him, telling him Eliott had disappeared and no one knew where he was. Lucas knew immediately. The petite ceinture, his refuge. He found more clarity and insight into Eliott’s thoughts and feelings in that moment than he had the entire week prior. He knew what he had to do.

He ran as fast as his legs would carry him, all the way across Paris, running back to Eliott’s home, back to the place they’d kissed for the first time. An array of memories flashed through his head as he ran, from their first meeting to when they’d actually spent time together, to their first kiss, their morning talking about parallel universes, even their night on the boat, before everything went awry. He ran, and ran, and ran, almost getting run over by a car, but barely noticing, not caring about anything other than making sure Eliott knew Lucas would always be there. When he found Eliott under the bridge a surge of relief had rushed through his body, and he’d said you are not alone, I’m here, you are not alone anymore, and, at last, Eliott had heard him.

“At least, I hope he did,” Lucas finished. Eliott sniffed, and Lucas noticed a few stray tears running down his face. He brushed them away gently with his thumbs, relishing in the smooth familiarity of Eliott’s skin.

Eliott murmured something so soft that Lucas couldn’t hear him. “What” he asked gently, not wanting to make Eliott have to repeat anything if he didn’t want to.

“He did,” Eliott repeated, no longer crying. “He heard you. In that universe, and in this one.”

Lucas nearly cried himself in the relief of hearing Eliott say that. Of course times would be difficult for them, but as long as Eliott had heard him, seen him, understood him, and knew that he would never have to face any of this alone ever again, the could get through anything.

“I love you, Eliott.” He could hear the emotion in his own voice, not even caring if he sounded a bit like he was pleading. Eliott deserved to be loved in every sense of the word. It was something he’d always known and he could see that now better than ever.

Eliott didn’t respond right away, and in the time they were both silent Ouba leapt onto the bed, snuggling her way between them. She looked at Lucas pointedly, clearly jealous that Eliott was getting more attention than she was. Lucas smiled softly and moved one of his hands from Eliott’s face to ruffle her fur and give her a quick kiss on the top of her head. When he looked up, Eliott was gazing at him with such a tender expression he had to hold back from pushing Ouba aside and kissing Eliott immediately.

“I love you too,” Eliott said, eyes never leaving Lucas’. Lucas felt more affected by the words now than he did the first time he’d heard them. What they had was real, and no one could take it away from them, not even themselves. Eliott looked down a moment before bringing his gaze back up to Lucas. “Can I kiss you?”

Lucas nodded, tilting his head down in answer, their lips meeting so briefly Lucas almost thought he imagined it. It was a small gesture, but it finally told Lucas this is really going to be ok. He wasn’t sure he’d completely believed it until that moment, but now he knew for certain that they were going to be alright. That just as much as Eliott was not alone, Lucas wasn’t either.

They had each other, they had their friends, they had Ouba, they even had Brian, and they were going to be ok.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16

AO3

Weekly Instagram Roundup: Week 1 Week 2 Week 3 Week 4 Week 5 Week 6 Week 7

#skam france #elu fic #elu #elu hogwarts au #la fin des temps #FINALLY #sorry its so late on tumblr

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formerlyashkatom · 5 years

Text

updoots

I figure I should at least attempt The Blogging from time to time because it makes for good record-keeping if nothing else, so, in the latest news:

my bipolar medication stopped working

boy howdy this has not been a fun time

we tried cautiously adding an antidepressant to the mix but that gave me my First Ever Actual Manic Episode which boy howdy was not a fun time so now we’re switching me onto something else entirely that may or may not try to kill me with its side effects

why is bipolar like this

while talking to my psychiatrist about stressors in my life when I wasn’t sure if I was going through depression or Depression I came out as trans to him while saying that I’d had to come out as trans to people and that’s pretty stressful and he immediately went “WHAT”

(oh god)

and started rifling through his notes and thankfully followed that up with “I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME THAT YEARS AGO”

i had not

i’m the worst at being cis

anyway today he asked if I had a ‘boy name’ (I have not been down for explaining the Non-Binaries to everyone so I’m just: trans when I come out) and I got to stammer out ‘Ash’ and feel very #validated so that was nice

it has been a real rough dip this time around. I think I might get a real bad one around this time of year every year, from rereading old guerrilla brainblogging posts, but this was super unexpected since I’m... on medication now. I haven’t had a lot of energy for writing or blogging or doing anything except curling into a small ball and wanting to die, and the last week in particular has been very That. it is important to me to document this, though. recovery isn’t always a straight line. I need to believe that I am going to recover. I’ve spent a lot of time in remission and I’ll spend more there soon.

bipolar’s real stupid though, can’t recommend.

also I’ve noticed tumblr is becoming ever-yet-more of a trashfire and let’s be real, it’s not like I’m around much these days to be missed, but: I wanted to remind y’all that there are some smol communities I have formed where you are very welcome to come find me and other cool people. I can always be found at Twitch, or on my Discord server that mostly has the Twitch people, and there are lots of cats and food pictures there so like, can recommend. if you want to see actual blog-like content from me, I do more serious stuff over at Patreon these days (you can follow public posts for free!), and I have a Twitter I don’t use much but am grimly attempting to get into. please do come find me! I miss being able to engage more with The Tumblrs, but having My Own Places is pretty dang cool, and I’d love to have more cool people ambling about in them.

#guerrilla brainblogging #contact info #I also finally bought a pill cutter so that I will no longer be dividing up my doses with a pocketknife at my desk #I make only the best of life choices for you all to admire

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smashbuddies · 5 years

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They Came From Outer Space: Pt. 9

Daniel sipped on his tea as he strolled through the busy streets, the sunshine warm and pleasant, but kept from being overbearing by the occasional cloud. A rather pleasant day to match his mood. Which was why he treated himself to a special tea in the first place- and it’d been a while since he’d seen his favorite barista. A sweet young man, just a little too… Soft. He seemed happy to see Daniel, though, and that only pushed his good mood along further.

But then some asshole had to run into him.

He lost his balance and much to his misfortune, the wires in his brain got crossed. Instead of trying to catch himself, his hands focused on a futile attempt to save his tea. Ultimately, it ended up with his head slamming back into the concrete, and his tea spilling onto him, the heat just barely burning through his thankfully thick blazer.

Once the world stopped spinning, he sat up and just barely managed to glare at the leather-clad punk as he rounded the corner. Fucking teenagers.

His head throbbed painfully, and there was a sharp ache in his neck from where the collar had dug into him. Shakily, he got to his feet and tried to asses the damage. No blood, but he could feel a new abrasive patch on the collar where the metal had scraped the concrete. It honestly made his heart ache.

How could this happen to his collar? What would this mean? Was it an omen? Would something bad happen to his relationship?

No. It would be fine. The collar seemed okay other than that scrape, and Snail would understand. Maybe even fix it. Or maybe they had a spare? Never mind, he didn’t want a spare. This was his collar. Replacing it wasn’t an option.

Despite that self reassurance, a pit formed in his stomach and wouldn’t go away. He hurried back to the studio. The first thing on the agenda was his suit. He had spares in his dressing room, but damn it all, he was really feeling the lavender today. Oh well. Maybe some other time.

Mauve? No. Chartreuse? Disgusting. Oh, this lilac one looked rather nice. That would be suitable.

...Good god, he hit his head really hard. Or maybe Snail’s penchant for silly jokes was getting to him.

Speaking of Snail. He hurried out of his dressing room and to his office as fast as his legs could take him. A desperate need had built up inside him and he needed to quell it before he was driven mad.

Door closed firmly, he sat down at his desk and opened the largest drawer- which took a little touching around to find in the darkness of the room. There. Exactly what he needed.

His stuffed toy. In his head he’d dubbed it his Unidentified Flying Octopus, but like hell he’d be able to get away with saying that name out loud.

Daniel pulled it close to his chest and a squeezed it tightly. With Snail at home, this was the most comfort he could get right now, and he desperately needed it before his heart exploded in his chest. Or before this possible concussion made him have a breakdown. Tears were already pricking at his eyes, but he couldn’t tell if it was from the emotional turmoil or the wave of pain that went through him every time he turned his head.

“Sir…?”

The beam of light slicing through the room was almost pure torture. As he narrowed his eyes at the intruder, tears finally spilling forth as he sniffled and snapped, “What!?”

Sam stood there for a long moment, staring at him with wide eyes. Then she let out a sigh and slumped against the doorway, concern still there but just barely peeking through her emotional exhaustion.

“Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

“Advil and tea,” he immediately answered, curling in on himself and blocking the light out with his hand. “And water, just in case. I ate shit on my way back and now everything fucking sucks.”

“Alright, sir. I’ll go ahead and cancel your meetings for today too so you can recover.”

“Thank you.”

Once the light was gone, he buried his face into his octopus and let out a sob. Damn it all. He wanted to be taken care of. And he almost expected Snail to show up out of the blue. But maybe they weren’t too worried about it. After all, there just would’ve been that quick moment where his heart picked up. Those usually happen at work.

It was fine. Really. He could deal with his great day being ruined. Snail had nothing to worry about, nope, not at all. Everything was fine. Fine.

...He couldn’t even convince himself.

Sam came back in no time with everything he asked for and some rather unnerving news.

“So apparently there’s some maniac going around destroying everything in sight up on Glimmer Street,” she said as she gently set his tea down and pulled out his water from her sweater pocket. “So I’d be careful on your way back home, sir.”

“Glimmer Street…?” he asked, then took a moment to swallow down his much needed medicine and tea. “I was just there. That’s where I ate shit. The manic might’ve run into me, is there anything else you can tell me?”

“I’m not Google, sir.”

He huffed and pressed his face into his octopus. “I know, I know. Can you look it up for me, then? I can’t even look at a screen without wanting to die.”

She gave him a sympathetic frown. “Yes, sir, I can do that for you.”

As she looked up more information on her phone, Daniel thought back to the punk that had ran into him. Black jacket, black pants, black hair. Seemed a little small to cause much trouble, but never judge a book by its cover. He was almost certain that was the maniac. Anyone with such a disregard for others had to have a screw loose.

“No one’s been able to get close enough to the maniac to get a very accurate description,” she said as she scrolled through her phone. “But they keep asking ‘where is he?’ over and over, apparently.

...Odd.

“Well, I’ll just take the long way home, tonight,” he muttered, more to himself than to her. “And have Snail drive me tomorrow. Just to be extra safe.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me, sir.”

After he suffered through his episode- with his octopus on his lap the whole time because fuck you, a grown man could take comfort from a stuffed animal on live TV if he wanted- he went straight to his car to go home. Not another second of this bullshit- he needed a bath, some comfort food, and his Snail.

The drive was torture, but he managed it and practically slammed the door open on his way in, ready for Snail to come smother him in kisses and affection.

But they weren’t there.

His heart dropped. Where were they? Did they somehow find out about his collar? Did they leave because he clearly couldn’t be trusted to keep it safe? The collar was the very foundation of their relationship and he ruined it, damn it all!

No. No, no, no, he was just panicking. Now wasn’t the time for that bullshit. He just needed to sit down and wait for them to come back. Maybe they were just out getting him tea.

So he kicked his shoes off and got curled up on the couch with his octopus. Hey, maybe the news would be talking about the maniac- he was still a little curious about that.

“- rampage on Glimmer Street. The assailant seems to be a man in a purple bodysuit, with somehow superhuman strength. Able to throw cars effortlessly, and take down the many officers that tried to contain them.”

Oh no. The wreckage shown was like nothing he’d ever seen. Almost as if it was taken straight from one of those superhero movies. Except it was real life.

“Before they took off, they had been yelling, ‘Where is he? Where’s Daniel? I need to find him right now, where is he?’ At the time, we do not know who this Daniel is, nor where the assailant has taken off to. Everyone is advised to stay indoors, and stay safe.”

Daniel shut the TV off and got back to his feet. If Snail was out there tearing up the city looking for him, well, he had to go find them.

As soon as he opened the door, he was face-to-face with a wide-eyed, worried Snail. Almost looked odd with just how many eyes they had. But then there was a firm grip on his face and he was almost pulled down a little so they could look him over.

“What happened?” they asked, voice hoarse and raw, no doubt from all the screaming they had done. “Where were you?”

“I was at work?” he answered, confused. “Why is that even a question? I know you can track me.”

“It stopped working,” they said, voice cracking as they wrapped their arms around him and pulled him close. For the first time since his fall, he completely relaxed, surrounded by warmth and strength and softness. “I got a signal that you’d been hurt and then I tried to find you, but it stopped working, and I only could find the last place you were when it stopped, and I was so worried something had happened to you! But you’re okay!”

“For the most part,” he breathed out, grabbing onto them and burying his face into their neck.

“...For the most part?”

He almost whimpered as they tried to pull back, and held onto them tighter. “I kinda got knocked over by some asshole and slammed my head into the sidewalk. I think I have a concussion or something. Plus I spilled the tea I got all over myself, and if I had been wearing anything thinner I would’ve needed to go to the damn hospital, and...”

What was that sound?

A deep, low growl. And he just then realized how tightly they were holding onto him. This time he wasn’t able to keep them in place as they pulled away and stomped down his porch

“Snail!” He chased after them and grabbed their arm. “I’m mostly okay now, you don’t need to go back out there and tear up more of the city! Do you realize how much trouble you’re in right now? You were on the news! And I’m not letting you get arrested, this day’s already been terrible enough!”

They froze. Then not a moment later scooped him up into their arms and held him close, that growling now a soft whimper. “Sorry… I was just trying to find you…”

Ow, his heart.

“I know,” he sighed out and leaned his head on their shoulder. “But I’m here now, and you don’t have to worry, okay? You’re literally holding me now, I can’t be more safe.”

“You’re right,” they said as they carried him back inside and kicked the door closed. “Fuck, I was so worried, though. You said you hit your head? Are you gonna be okay? Do you need anything?”

“I just wanna cuddle for now. Maybe here in a bit I should take a bath. And maybe… You can give me a massage?”

“Sure,” they agreed in that slightly pitched tone that meant they had no idea what he was talking about. Then they plopped down on the couch with him- a little too rough for his still throbbing head, but that was fine. “Massage, mmhm. I can do that.”

“I’ll tell you what to do,” he assured them with an amused smile to himself. “It’s easy.”

Snail nodded and adjusted him so he was a little more curled into him. Then they tapped their claws against his leg, and asked, “Mind if I look at your collar? Just to see if it’s busted?”

With a hum, he lifted his head up just enough for them to unlatch it. Once the cold air hit his skin, he took his place tucked against their neck once more. Lazily, he pressed soft kisses against their neck, not quite caring if he was being a distraction. They could deal with it, he wanted to be affectionate.

Thankfully, their only response was a low purr-like rumble deep in their chest and the occasional sigh. The gentle click-clack of their claws against his collar was almost soothing, and sent pleasant little tingles down his spine and through his scalp.

“All the working bits in it got knocked loose,” they said softly after a little while. “It’s gonna take a while to fix it. So no going out until that's done.”

He snorted. “That's not happening.”

“Um…? It is. I said so. Be a good pet and listen.”

“I'm saying it isn't, “ he almost hissed out, though he made no move to pin them with a glare like he wanted to. “I have a job to do, Snail. I can’t let my fans down, not for something like this. I can still work without my collar.”

“Daniel, you’re not going out,” they said, and it was the first time he really felt their authority have a great effect on him. He didn’t want to make them angry. Not without the proof of their ownership still resting on his neck. “If you’re not collared, someone else could come along and claim you!”

“How likely is that? I went thirty-eight years of my life before being claimed by you. What makes you think some other alien will come along so soon? And humans don’t tend to just up and put collars on each other, not without consent first.”

That little grumble didn’t sound pleased. They tinkered with the collar for another minute, then huffed. “Fine. I guess you’re right. But I’m not happy about it.”

“You don’t have to be,” he said gently with more little kisses to their neck. “Once my collar is fixed, things will be back to normal. That’s all that matters.”

“Mmmm…”

He would’ve been surprised if they couldn’t feel his grin against them. But after another smattering of kisses, he pulled back and asked, “Bath time?”

They blinked several times, eyes almost out of sync. “Hm? Oh! Yeah, bath time!”

All clean and wrapped snugly in his fluffiest towel, Daniel smooched all over Snail’s face while they carried him to the bedroom. Once they set him on the bed, he freed his arms from their warm confines and flipped onto his stomach, sliding the towel down to expose his back.

“Um…?”

“Massage,” he said simply, arms crossed under his chin. “Just kinda rub my back. Firm, but not too hard.”

“Okay… Sounds easy enough.”

He felt them straddle his thighs, sitting carefully so they weren't putting their full weight on him. Then their hands pressed into his shoulders, palms digging into the slight ache that was lurking there. Built up tension and stress that was only aggravated by his accident earlier. Pushing up, they got to more of the ache and effectively pressed it out of him in the most pleasurable way.

A soft moan of approval left his mouth, and he started melting under their touch. “Good, keep going, please…”

They leaned down, breath ghosting over his ear, and whispered softly, “Anything for my good boy.”

More pleasant tingles ran through him. He let out a shaky breath, almost like a gasp, and said, “Keep doing that.”

“What?”

“Talking. Keep talking. All soft, like you just did. Please?”

In his other ear, they asked, voice husky and sweet and wonderful, “Like this?”

“Mmhm…”

Slowly, their hands drifted down and continued their massage. Each press into his back was gentle, though every once in a while the sharp edge of their claws would kiss his skin. Not painful, but enough to keep him aware. It was almost a little pleasant.

“You’re such a good boy,” they whispered to him with a soft kiss placed just under is ear. Then the switch over to the other side and nuzzled into his neck. “So pretty and good. The perfect little pet. I love pampering my sweet Daniel. My pretty boy, so soft… I love touching on you and hearing those happy little noises.”

Another kiss that sent a shiver down his spine and pulled a little whine from him.

“Adorable.”

Several minutes of deep massaging later, he was effectively a melted puddle underneath them. Barely a functioning thought in his head besides ‘Snail good, feels good, mmmm, more’.

But then something happened. They pulled back, and their claws ever so gently dragged down his back. It was like a burst of hot and cold chills through him, all pleasant and tingly. It drew a gasp from his mouth, and he didn’t know it was possible, but he melted even more.

“Again…”

This time it went down his sides, and he could feel himself arching as a reflex.

“That?”

He nodded, brain now too fuzzy for words. All he could focus on were the pleasant tingles and the soft whispers that picked up again. His nerves sang praises at the feelings running through him, and the affection he could feel in every touch was the icing on the cake. It culminated into a wonderful haze that fell over him. Eventually, he couldn’t even keep eyes open, soft little snores fall from his mouth even before his was fully gone.

The feelings stopped, but he didn’t quite become more alert until he felt Snail’s warmth leave him. Lifting his head up, he made a noise and cracked his eyes open.

A hand ran through his hair. “Shhh, go back to sleep…”

He huffed and, with the last of his energy, patted the bed. Lay down, he needed them.

Snail hesitated, but took their spot after some consideration. Before they were even settled, he latched onto them. This was his alien. His cuddle alien. For cuddles. And as soon as their arms wrapped around him, he was gone.

#snailbitch #they came from outer space #tentacle fuck au #fic #mod cantolope

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savrenim · 6 years

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Hey! Not sure if you answered this before, but what was your academic journey to grad school? Like in highschool did you take AP? Act/Sat? Did you need like A grades to get into college/uni? How's your undergrad years! What was your undergrad? If it's too personal/time consuming then you don't need to answer 🌸 but it would be really appreciated if you do! Good luck with all your studies! PS. I find kinship in the random anons on your blog. IDK why, but I guess it's like being in an egg carton.

No it’s fine, mostly my….academic journey is an outlier? like, it is by far above and beyond the things you need to succeed and get into grad school, and I have a lot of friends who didn’t have any sort of GPA or history like mine who are doing really well in grad school and have gotten into really good places.

I was a straight A student in grammar school and middle school; by the time I was in 8th grade, we got % grades instead of A, B, C, and I had a 99.875% but only because the 99 in math came from the fact that the teacher believed only Jesus was perfect so he didn’t give 100’s. My real percentage in math I believe was close to a 105, because I’d done a lot of extra credit.

I went to a private high school as well, pretty much entirely on scholarship, because my parents were paranoid about quality of education where I lived and I could. I tested out of Geometry despite the fact that I hadn’t taken it by bugging said 8th grade math teacher to give me a 2-month crash course, and then taking the Geometry Honors final from the prior year and getting….I think an 87? either way, it was enough to get me out of the course. I took AP classes the moment that I was allowed to; over my high school career, I took AP US History, AP European History, AP English Literature, AP English Language, and AP Calculus BC. I got 5’s on all of them. I also took the ACT and got 35/36 (and similar scores on all the subject tests…I think 1 34, counterbalanced by a 36?), although the ACT never really mattered to places I was applying. I was the closest thing our (non-competitive) fencing team had to a captain. I was in choir, and sometimes took on solo performances. I played fairly substantial roles in the musical every year. I also wrote a full draft of a novel that…I’ve still got, actually, and am trying to turn into an actual novel. I got straight A’s; I think my weighted GPA at the end of my high school career was a 4.63? 4.0 unweighted.

I’m also a high school dropout. Technically. But that was because I applied to college a year early, got in, got full scholarship, and the college said that they didn’t need a high school diploma or GED from me, so I went “peace” and then left home to go to college.

there was family drama going down at the same time and this was more a move to escape a hella abusive environment than me actually caring about going to college early, although also at the time I’d taken all of the math and physics classes my school had to offer, and didn’t want to spent senior year bored.

My first two years of college were fairly difficult for me because I was not aware of the fact that I was bipolar and started having more and more severe manic and depressive episodes, culminating in being hospitalized a week during spring semester of my sophomore year. You would not be able to tell any of this from my transcripts; while I was no longer getting straight A’s, it had gone down to an A- a semester, and I think a single B somewhere in there; my overall cumulative GPA was a 3.85. Still, I wasn’t particularly happy where I was at because it was small, in the middle of nowhere, and I’d just been through hell and wanted to start fresh, so I took my AA with highest distinction and applied to a whole bunch of transfer schools. I decided to go to the single one that gave me enough financial aid for that to be feasible.

(I am not going to say what my undergrad was, because I don’t like to post any sort of information on the internet that is specific enough for people to track me down. It was a very nice liberal artsy place.)

I stayed there for three years, as a combination of I wanted time to recover, I knew that I wanted to get into a hardcore serious graduate school and thus wanted professors to know me a lot better so that they could write letters of recommendation, and I wanted to properly joint-major in math and physics and needed the time to fit all of the classes in my schedule so that it would be slightly less hellish. Like, there was a semester where I was taking Real Analysis, Complex Analysis, Classical Mechanics, and Modern Physics — with a lab — and acting as a course tutor/ta for Dynamical Systems all at the same time. I wasn’t really “taking it easy.” But eh, whatever. I got straight A’s in every single math class I took, and I think….one B in physics, and a couple of A-’s sprinkled in sometimes, but otherwise straight A’s. I did research during the summers, published three papers in both math and physics, and presented at two conferences. And thus got into a couple pretty good grad schools and some nice fellowship offers and actually got to make a choice and I could not be happier with the place that I ended up.

Which, like, absolutely everything about my life story is so much overkill, please do not try to be like me, not only is it not necessary but it literally nearly killed me sometime in the middle there.

#anon #questions #my life

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aion-rsa · 4 years

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The Eric Andre Show: Why This Ritzy Season Is “The Best Yet”

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

Eric Andre has made reinvention a staple of The Eric Andre Show. What started as a lo-fi spoof of the celebrity talk show circuit has evolved and devolved over four seasons. In season 3, Andre’s refreshed look featured a Katt Williams-esque perm. In Season 4, Andre completely let himself go: He neglected to bathe and turned the set into what he called “ratty and disgusting and gray, like a Soviet prison.”

After four years off air, The Eric Andre Show returns to Adult Swim on Oct. 26 with a complete 180. The new set is bright, colorful, and ritzy. “I wanted the set to be Liberace inspired,” Andre told Den of Geek ahead of the season 5 premiere. “I just wanted to do everything the opposite.”

The changes to the show are not only cosmetic. Andre’s longtime sidekick Hannibal Buress quits the show after the first episode, and is replaced by a clone. Eventually the clone also quits.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart that i announce that the yin to my yang, the wickedly funny @hannibalburess ends his reign as co-host tomorrow night at midnight @adultswim. Love you HB. It's been an amazing decade with you.

— Eric Andre (@ericandre) October 24, 2020

Structurally, The Eric Andre Show mostly remains in tact. He may look more glamours, but Andre still opens every show by manically recking his set. The man-on-the-street pranks are as gross and random as ever. He even got his good friend, Grammy nominated rapper/singer Lizzo, to put on the green suit for Bird Up.

These antics do come at a price. As he told Jimmy Kimmel in a recent interview, Andre landed in the hospital with a concussion after stunt in which John Cena throws him through a bookshelf went wrong. Andre bounced right back. A comedian who masters the art of reinvention can have a long and prosperous career, so long as he’s not snapped into pieces by a WWE superstar.

Though it comes in the midst of a nightmare of a year, Andre’s career is prospering right now. In June he debuted his first ever stand-up special which is available on Netflix. His long gestating feature-length prank film, Bad Trip, was originally slated to premiere at the canceled SXSW 2020, and have a theatrical release shortly after. Those plans changed with COVID-19 upheaving the movie theater industry, and Netflix picked up the film and plans to release it next year, according to Andre.

Over zoom, we spoke with Andre about the return of The Eric Andre Show and what he has in-store for season 5.

Before we get into The Eric Andre Show season 5, you had your first stand-up comedy special drop on Netflix over the summer. Your closer absolutely killed. How did you come up with the mom / phone bit?

There was this Knitting Factory show years ago in Brooklyn, and I did it to my mom. I would prank my friends with that autotech shit, just to scrambled brains. And then I was like, ‘Oh, my mom would be perfect to do it to.’ And I’m on the east coast. Usually when I do a stand-up show in L.A. she’s in bed because she’s three hours ahead. But I was in her time zone. She’s in Florida. So I pranked my mom, and it worked so fucking good. And the audience was going fucking bananas. And then I tried to prank her again at a different show. I tried to recreate it, and she already knew the gag. So she’s like, “Okay, you’re pranking me again.” So I was like, “How do I keep this up?” Because it just worked so well. And then I just started doing it with people’s moms in the audience.

I used to do it in the middle of the set, but it would bring the house down and I couldn’t recover. I couldn’t go back to my material afterwards. So I really had to start doing it at the end. And it’s just such a great… and it’s G-rated too. Everyone relates to mom confusion. Everybody’s mom, at some point, or many points throughout their lives, is very confused, doesn’t get a pop culture reference right. So everybody can relate to mom confusion, and auto-correct, and auto-fill, and all those things that scramble mom’s brain. So it’s a good G-rated dismount after a bunch of R-rated material.

It’s been a long time since The Eric Andre Show has been on air. And in that time, a lot of really, really bad TV shows have debuted. Is Bird Up is still the worst show on TV?

I hope so. I hold that trophy high. So fingers crossed that we continue. Maybe I shouldn’t reveal. We got Lizzo in the Bird Up outfit this season. We did Lizzo up.

How’d you convince her?

We were friends with her before she was famous, so she’s good friends with my director. So Lizzo being famous is crazy to us. So we just texted her. I’m like, ‘Lizzo, come do the show,’ and she was like, ‘Cool.’ That was probably the easiest casting. She was really good at it. She may be much better at it. She flourished. She got in that outfit, she brought her flute.

In the trailers it’s pretty obvious that there’s a crazy new set design for season 5. What were your inspirations behind the look and feel of the new season?

So I basically did everything the opposite of season four. So the previous season, season four, I lost weight. I got pale, I grew out my hair. I didn’t brush or wash my hair. I didn’t wear deodorant. I got really stinky. I didn’t wash my suit once, I grew out my fingernails. And the set was really ratty and disgusting and gray, it was like a Soviet prison.

In season five, I wanted everything the opposite. It was a ritzy and rich set, I wanted the set to be Liberace inspired. I got rid of all my body hair, I waxed my pubic hair, I shaved my armpit hair, I bic’d my head bald. I would tan every day. I bleached my teeth. I got my fingers and nails manicured, pedicured. I would put on a ton of brut cologne every morning. I gained weight. I just wanted to do everything the opposite, season five from season four. So that’s how we got to the look.

I know sometimes it can be difficult for actors to gain or lose weight. How was it for you?

I’m not very good at it. My body doesn’t want to. I wasn’t good at losing it, I wasn’t good at gaining it. I am far from Christian Bale. He also has a team of nutritionists that calculate how to fucking do it. But I was eating peanut butter jelly sandwiches and pizza every night before bed. That’s my go-to. And I got pretty puffy. I probably put on 20 pounds, but it was inconsistent. I couldn’t nail it. It’s fucking hard. And you’re depressed, and you’re irritable, you’re cranky, you’re sugar crashing. It’s fucked up. It’s not good for your body. I’d never do it again. No more body modifications, I don’t think. Life’s too short to put your organs through that.

Does having that extra weight help you throw your body around during those opening scenes?

It doesn’t. You’re huffing and puffing, it’s hard to tie your shoes. It stresses my body. I didn’t even gain that much. I can’t imagine Christian Bale gaining 60 pounds, that guy’s going to die soon. It really stresses your body out.

What was it like editing and putting the finishing touches on this season during the pandemic?

It wasn’t ideal. We started editing before COVID happened. So that was good. We got a good chunk. We got into our groove with the season before COVID happened, and then we finished remotely from home. But we were already in the groove, and it’s not our first rodeo. It’s the best season yet. We knew what bits were working and what wasn’t. So it wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t insurmountable.

With the man on the street bits, do you think that there’s going to be a heightened sense of shock value because it’s airing now?

It’s hard to remember the before times, but I don’t know. Maybe, that would be an added bonus if it feels heightened stakes. But yeah, it was filmed before the quarantine.

I remember you telling us in a past interview that you had a couple of close encounters on the set of Bad Trip with some of the pranks, particularly the barbershop scene. On the set of season five, did you have any close calls or interesting stories from season 5?

There’s this one where I’m a news reporter and I’m in Newark, New Jersey, reporting on the street. There’s this passed out businessman, stuntman behind me that looks like he jumped off a building and tried to commit suicide. And then he started getting up, and I go to my news camera team. I’m like, ‘This guy, if he doesn’t stay injured, I don’t have a story.’ Boom. And I started kicking him on the ground. The guys bleeding out the back of the head, kicking him on the ground. I’m like, ‘Stay down, motherfucker. I need this story.’ All these people came out of coffee shops and this one guy was like, ‘I’m going to fucking kill you.’ And I was like, ‘No, if I don’t get this story, I don’t get the promotion I need, this man is my big break in news.’ And he’s like, ‘I’m going to fucking kill you.’ And we had to, we pushed that guy to the limit before he clocked me, and then we had to cut and reveal.

When it comes to the guests on the show, I always think back to James Van Der Beek calling the experience a “fever dream.” Were there any interactions off the camera with guests this season that stuck out to you?

It’s way more exciting on camera for my show, than off camera. Oh, the best was, I forgot about this, so we had Robin Givens on the show. She’s an actress, she’s been around for a few decades. She was married to Mike Tyson at one point. And I’m lighting her up, so we’re dropping cockroaches from the ceiling, and we have maggots coming out of food. The show is like a haunted house. So she’s freaking the fuck out, and her publicist, or her agent I think, is fucking pissed. I didn’t know this at the time. I’m in front of the cameras interviewing her. My second AD told me, her agent is running around, we don’t let any of their agents or publicists on the stage while we’re rolling, because we don’t want them to stop the interview.

So my second AD and my first AD are running this woman around, her pissed off agent, they’re running her around in circles. She’s like, “End this interview now, how do I get to the studio?” My second AD goes, “Go through that door, take a left, take a right,” and then they’re just sending her around in circles. She comes out, ‘I went through that door.’ They’re like, ‘All right, go outside, here’s a shortcut, go through the elephant door, go here.’ And they’re just sending her around to locked doors and around the building, just running laps around the building, while I’m dropping maggots from the sky in front of Robin Givens. She was so pissed. Yeah. We definitely got the release form ahead of time on that one.

Are you guys at the point where, for the most part, the guests know or at least have some sense of an idea of what they’re stepping into? Or are you still catching people off guard?

We purposely try to get guests that have no idea what my show is, who I am, what Adult Swim is. Every once in a while we do, but we just light their ass up. You know what I mean? I think even if you know the show, when vermin and pestilence are exploding out of the desk, you’re still going to have a great reaction. So it’s foolproof in that way. But yeah, we definitely try to not get hipper, younger guests. We try to stay over 40. So there’s a definite age limit to my fan base. Not all the time, some middle-aged bands and even older fans, but for the most part the fan base is millennials, gen Z

With your stand-up special, the movie Bad Trip eventually coming out on Netflix, and now the new season of The Eric Andre Show, those are three very different mediums you’ve worked across recently. Is there a medium right now that you find the most creatively fulfilling?

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

To me it’s not the medium, it’s the idea. With The Eric Andre Show, obviously I have pure creative freedom. I’m in the zone with it the most. I think standup is the hardest. The movie was no small feat. But yeah, any and all mediums.

The post The Eric Andre Show: Why This Ritzy Season Is “The Best Yet” appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2HCB3tP

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

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hjertetssunnegalskap1 · 6 years

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Fanfiction Work-In-Progress

@evakuality tagged me to write about my works in progress, and I can do that! Thank you for tagging me!

1. The Cuddle Snuggle App. 12 chapters. Isak's and Even's pov. Halfway through Even's third year in school, he has a major episode and is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When Isak is 16, he moves away from his troubled mother. Both have turned their lives upside down, and their new lives are lonely and touch deprived. They meet when Even downloads a cuddler app (mostly for his film project, but also because he needs the touch) and Isak is his professional cuddler. They are both determined to keep the cuddling friendly and platonic, but it proves to be difficult...

I have written two chapters so far and have started on the third. I just love writing on this one, since I get the chance to write a little fluff... I will wait to post the first chapter January 1st. My first plan was to post it this November, but I fear that it will drown in all the fics from the challenges. This will also be a part of my Apps of love series.

2. A Fucking Bet (for the Skam Big Bang). Oops, that should maybe be a secret, since we’re pairing up with artists, but I guess I don't have that many followers, so it won't matter. Oslo, November 2017 - January 2018. Isak and Even are just friends (after Isak discovered his girlfriend Sonja they left it at that). The boys are making a bet on whether you fall in love from fucking, or not. Isak is very scientific about it, of course. This is a one-shot in six parts. Isak's POV and maybe Even's in the last part. It’s almost finished. This one will be posted around February 26th.

3. My Very Personal Ski Trainer. One-shot in five parts. Even's POV. A different meeting Holiday AU, and sort of a 4 + 1 (Four times Isak and Even don’t talk for real, and one time they do). This is before Christmas 2016. Even never transferred to Nissen, so he’s going his last year at Bakka. He has just broken up with Sonja and is recovering from a manic and depressive episode. Sana has invited Even and her other friends to a Holiday cabin trip, and Even needs to get in shape so that he can beat his buddies in Sana’s planned ski race. He tries out a personal ski trainer app and meets the hot ski trainer Isak Valtersen. Even believes that Isak has something against mental illness so he has no plans to fall for Isak. Still, Even struggles to focus only on the training.

On the cabin trip, when Even turns up early, a surprise guest turns up and a snowstorm threatens to snow them both in. Oooh... wonder what happens...

This is part of the Skam Stories Christmas Challenge 3/12: The Ski Holiday. It will be posted December 3rd. This will also be a part of my Apps of love series.

4. The thing I'm writing for the Skam Secret Santa thing. I can't tell too much, I guess, but it's about adult Isak and Even (2024), and we get both their POV. There might be a Secret Santa involved, and an app. I have written the first of five parts. I am really having fun with this one. This will be posted between Dec. 24th and Dec 31st, I think. This will also be a part of my Apps of love series.

5. My Very Personal Christmas Shopper. Another fic about an app... It's part of the Evakteket Christmas Challenge. I got a Holiday movie AU , and the other prompts are “Bah, humbug!" and Snowglobe. I have decided to be inspired by “The Shop around the corner”. And yeah, I know I’m not the first to write something similar, but I’ll do my best. I got this idea a long time ago, and there’s NO WAY BACK. Anyway. Isak works in a record shop for Jonas. Isak says things as he thinks. Doesn't like snowglobes. He really doesn't like one with music. Even comes and asks for a job, and sells a snow globe that Isak hates. Gets the job. Isak and Even get off on the wrong foot, so this is a hate to love thing, I suppose. Isak tells Eva about his personal Christmas gift shopper that he just has started to text with. And of course, he has no clue who it is. You wanna guess? I might switch the characters a little, compared with the original movie. Hope it still works. This will also be a part of my Apps of love series.

So I have started on this, but I’m not sure I’ll make it till Dec 20th. I have too many things to write, and I seem to be incapable of writing something short. My oneshots end up with about 20K words all the time...

6. The Main Character of my own Life (Sara POV). This is fun to write, and I’m sad that it’s on ice. It’s all the seasons through Sara’s perspective. That devious little darling. I’ll maybe have time to finish it after Christmas. I probably won’t get many readers, lol.

7. Let me belong (with you) (Sana POV). This is a thing I never finished. If I do, it will be a free standing oneshot in the same universe as Don’t leave me (alone). We get Sana’s pov and some nice surprises...

8. All Good Things Life Has to Offer (Vilde POV). This is a smutty PWP thing with Vilde and Ingrid. Should finish it. Some day.

9. Bones As Glass (Sana POV). This is a Sana-fic based on Amélie. I haven’t written much on that one yet, but I know that I will. I think it will be a short oneshot.

Fuck, I didn’t know that I had started this many. But luckily, I only write on 4-5 at the moment... hah.

I want to tag people, but I have no idea about who’s done it before. I wanna tag @xionin, @towonderland72, @folerdetdufoler, @rumpelsnorcack @reasoniwantyoutostay, @isakyakiniku, @canonicallyanxious, @e-sebastian, @icelandcurry, @fxckxxp, @nofeartina, @diamondjacket.

Lots and lots of good writers, and I know I have forgotten many. If you have done this before (I might have missed it, because I’m very absent minded), or if you don’t want to do it, you can just forget about it, of course.

#works in progres #wip #my wips #fanfics #skam #skamfiction #skamfics #skambigbang #evakteket christmas challenge #skam stories christmas challenge #skam secret santa

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