#like they are joel and ellie but they've made them their own

[carry-on-every-neverland-magic]

hbo Ellie is so much more childlike in the best endearing way like how her face lights up at escalators and dancing with Riley or Joel testing her grip on a gun. Bella has captured something so special and in a way so much more heartbreaking because when the shift comes when something bad happens and Ellie is screaming or panicked or afraid or has to fight, it hits so much harder how young she is and how much of normal life she has never seen nor experienced. The closest was the mall and even that was ripped away.

Joel too is softer and shows more vulnerability and emotion, something Pedro does SO well and though two Ellies and Joels can and do exist, hbo is really tugging at every emotion and diving so deep with them in the show, its beautiful and painful and is only gonna make the future journeys of them hurt even more because in some ways they feel even more deeply connected. 

#the last of us spoilers #the last of us #joel and ellie #ramblings #like they are joel and ellie but they've made them their own #and it breaks my heart seeing them more emotional and full of wonder #pedro pascal #bella ramsey #I have so much love and respect for Troy and Ashley too #its just Pedro and Bella are owning my entire heart

[familyvideostevie]

the meaning of it all

joel miller x reader

summary: Joel Miller, of all people, teaches you to ask for help. 

word count: 13.6k

warnings: jackson au, post part i, joel and ellie worked it out! joel is soft! language, violence, fluff, learning to accept help and love.

a/n: this fic is a soft joel (think part ii joel but make it two years into jackson because he and ellie resolved everything <3) and a reader who is much more me than i've written before. i hope you like it! thank you again to @strangerfreaks who held my hand through this, i owe you my life.

___

Luck. God damned old-fashioned thank-fuck-for-that luck has kept you alive since the world ended. Deep festering rage and a near-constant state of fear have helped. But every bullet you've found, every undamaged can of food, every shot that landed in the right place so you were the last one standing -- that's all luck. Or a curse, depending on the day. Depending on how you're feeling about it all.

And Jackson? That's the biggest stroke of luck you've had in twenty years. A single woman on her own with plenty of working years left and no obvious red flags was probably a no-brainer for the community to take in but you feel like you've finally made it. After two decades of violence and horror and pain, you fucking made it somewhere safe.

You spend as much time as you can making sure everyone knows how grateful you are. You don't have any special skills, not really. You can shoot well enough, cook well enough, clean well enough. Young enough when all the shit went down that you don't have a trade or any work experience, you just go wherever they need someone in town.

Keeping busy means you're bone-tired most nights. Exhausted sleep means fewer nightmares, less time to wander the halls of your very nice but much too-big-for-you-home and miss everything you've lost. But picking up shifts wherever you can also means you don't meet many people beyond hellos and exchanging names. Farming is easy and you get to work with a lot of the kids in town, daycare much the same. You're lousy with power tools but you're able to carry materials wherever they're needed. Cooking is easy when it's stew for hundreds of people and doing dishes is even fun when someone turns on the radio. You're making it work.

Patrol is...patrol. You're able, so you're on the roster. It's not that you hate it, not exactly. Going outside the walls makes you feel like you're someone else. You slip back into the mask of fear and anger, the one that kept you alive for so long. And the worst part is it's comfortable. 

You've done the training runs, the group patrols for three months. Infected still freak you out a little but you're smart enough to be more scared of people. All of the senior patrol members have cleared you for paired patrols and today is your first one.

Tommy meets you at the stables to check-in.

You don't really have any friends, though everyone is perfectly nice to you, but Tommy and Maria are probably as close as it gets.  You figure they take a shine to newcomers like you, ones who come in alone, maybe to keep an eye on them as much as anything else. But they've both got a smile and kind word for you whenever you see them, always asking if you need anything. You always tell them no, you're fine, thank you.

"You ready?" Tommy says. "I've had them pull Apollo for you." You pat yourself one more time to make sure you have everything. Pistol on your thigh, knife at your hip, pack secure on your back. Hat and gloves tucked into your jacket pocket to account for the wind on the trails.

"I think so," you tell him. You blow a raspberry at your horse and he blows back, nudging your shoulder with his nose.

"After this, pretty sure you'll have done every job there is to do in this town. Pullin' crops, plantin' crops, cookin' crops. Kids, the library, cleanin', buildin' that ramp at Lenore's last month. You've been here, what, six months? And you've done it all."

It should make you feel good that he's noticed. It does, but only a little. You still feel like you could work every day for the rest of your life and not repay what he and this town have given you. To make up for the things you've done on the road.

"I'm the best floater in Jackson," you joke instead. Smiling makes people like you. You haven't had much cause to smile in recent years so you're still getting used to the urge. Tommy scoffs. "I don't do important council stuff like you and Maria, though."

He ignores that. "Y'know, pretty sure they call that a jack-of-all-trades. A real Ren-ai-ssance woman." You try to come up with a retort, eyes wandering to the patrol assignment board. Your name is under ELK CREEK and under it is --

"Quit harassin' her."  Tommy rolls his eyes and flips off whoever comes up behind you. You turn around and see a man you know of but have never actually met.

"Joel," Tommy says. "I believe this is called havin' a conversation. You ever tried it?"

"Funny," Joel replies. He nods at you. "You my partner today?"

"Seems so." You introduce yourself, Apollo's warm breath at your back.

"Joel Miller," he says back.

You're a little intimidated, truth be told. You know him by reputation mostly. Tommy's big brother who came to town a few years ago with a little girl. They're both pretty much everywhere. Joel fixing houses and talking to kids in the street, going on patrols and always bringing back extra for whoever needs it. Ellie galloping around town with other teenagers and bringing home the biggest game. You've handed her books a few times at the library, too, seen her bright eyes and infectious energy underneath teenage angst that transcends even an apocalypse. And you've seen them together, heads down in the dining hall or pressed closed walking down the street -- heard rumors about why they came here, how they came here, too -- and one thing is clear to you: the Millers are beloved. By this town and by each other.

It's a miracle all its own in this fucked up world.

"You two ain't met yet?" Tommy says, pointing at the space between you. You snap out of your thoughts. "You've been here long enough to have met everyone by now."

"Guess not," you say with a wry smile. The younger Miller is too polite to call you out for not having a single friend in that time period, either.

"Well, here we are," Joel says. "Gonna keep us here forever, Tommy? Or can we do our job?"

Tommy claps him on the shoulder and winks at you. "Tone down the asshole for her first paired patrol, yeah?"

Joel snorts. He grabs a horse that was already tacked for him and leads it out of the stable. You follow with Apollo. The patrol coordinator hands out rifles and reminds everyone of the rules.

You hop on your horse. "You ready?" Joel asks, startling you a bit. "We'll gallop to the mouth of the river and then start patrollin'."

Something in you relaxes a bit at his clear confidence in you to handle yourself. You know you're with him for a reason -- he's one of the best. That, or maybe he just doesn't give a shit. Somehow you think it's the former.

You follow him up the hill outside the gates and through the tree line. The noise of the Outside is different than that of Jackson. Birdsong, snapping branches and dry brush under your horse, the wind rippling down the hill. You take a deep breath through your nose and feel a part of you come alive. It's funny how a world so beautiful can be so deadly.

Joel gallops a little ahead of you, strong and steady. You watch him, think about what you know. He's older than you, that much is obvious. Greying hair curling around his ears, lines on his face from more than just a stressful life. But he's strong, good at what he does. Those rumors come back to the front of your mind. How he and Ellie showed up, half-starved and bloody. How he and Tommy are the most famed patrol duo for Infected kills and otherwise. It makes you feel safe. It makes you want to learn from him. It makes you want to know more.

And he's got kind eyes. Somehow, he's got kind eyes.

"Alright," Joel calls back to you. "Route starts here." He slows his horse and you pull up beside him. He shifts in his saddle and turns his face to you. "Now, I know this is your first pair," he says. "I won't order you around or nothin' but my main piece of advice is that everyone has a different patrol style. Know how to adapt."

You dig your gloves out of your pockets and wiggle them on. Joel watches before his eyes snap back to yours. "Noted." You honestly didn't think he'd talk this much. "And let me guess. Yours is patrol in silence?" You punctuate the nervous quip with a smile.

Joel snorts. "Nah," he says. "Unless you're Max. Can't stand that fucker."

It startles a laugh out of you and any ice you'd imagined breaks for good. Max is one of the middle-aged men who probably would have been a lawyer or a politician based on the way he likes the sound of his own voice.

"Now," Joel says. "You done this route before?" His knuckles are a little red but he doesn't put on any gloves.

"Twice, I think. First log book in that old station, right?" Joel nods. "Second in the town?" He nods again.

"Color me impressed." His mouth tugs up at the corner into something you might call a smile. You try not to look too pleased with yourself. "Some of the dipshits on the roster don't even remember that much."

It feels like you've passed a test. His praise makes you feel nice. Noticed. Not something you often seek but you know yourself well enough to admit that you'd like a little more of it. Even if it's from a man you just met.

"Not that hard," you say softly. Joel looks at you for a moment longer before clicking his teeth. His horse starts to walk. You signal to Apollo to follow.

The patrol goes off without a hitch. Joel signs the log book in the station and you sign it in the tower. He lets you snipe two runners that he spots and doesn't scold you when you take three tries on the second one.

"Settlin' in okay?" he asks once you've rounded the town one last time and started back towards Jackson. "Six months, Tommy said?"

Despite his earlier words, you haven't chatted much this patrol. While you'd like to know more about him, want to get him to smile at you again, you're really just enjoying being out here with someone else, knowing that you're safe. That you've got somewhere to go back to.

"It's nice," you sigh. "I never imagined I'd find a place like this."

You really should pick up the pace to get back to town but he doesn't seem to be in any hurry.

"I know the feelin'," he murmurs. "Ellie'n me slept on the floor for a good two weeks at the start. Been two years and some nights I don't take my boots off."

"What a fucking life, huh?" That earns you a wry smile. "Having a house is...strange. All of the hinges squeak and I --"

"The hinges squeak?" You look over at him and Joel's brows are furrowed.

"Oh, I mean, it's no big deal --" You stumble over apologies. You don't want him to think you're complaining about a home his brother gave you when he sure as shit didn't have to.

Joel taps his thumb on the pommel of his saddle. "Can get that fixed, y'know."

You didn't know, actually. "Really?"

Now he looks at you like you're a little stupid. "Ain't you the one hauling shit to people's houses when they need a hand?"

He has a point and you hate it. It never occurred to you to ask for someone to come fix your hinges. They're just hinges, for fuck's sake. Other people have holes in their floorboards or leaks or need new rooms for family members. You're just...you.

Joel sighs. It feels like you've disappointed him and it swirls in your gut. "I'll take a look at it this week."

Your neck cracks audibly with how quickly you look up at him. "What? No, Joel, you don't have to --"

He says your name in a tone that you know means no arguing. "I know I don't have to. I offered."

"You don't even know me!" The words fly from your mouth before you can stop them.

He brings his horse to a full stop so quick you almost run into him.

"Look," he says. His gaze holds yours. Wow, he really can be intimidating when he wants to be. You can only imagine the things he's done, the things he's capable of. Anyone who has made it this long has blood on their hands. You've washed it from your own skin plenty of times. And yet, you feel completely safe. And you know that you'll probably do whatever he tells you. "I know how it can be."

Your gut swirls. "You don't know what I've been through," you say softly. It's not a jibe, it's just the truth. No one knows because you've told no one because it doesn't matter. You're here now.

"I've been alive for a while longer than you," he continues. "I've seen the world, just as you have. I've been out here. I was out here for a long, long time." He runs a hand through his beard, fiddles with his broken watch in what looks like reflex. "I know how hard it is to ask. To get back to something that makes any damn sense. But you can if you try."

The words linger in the chill around you. He's right, obviously. He's so fucking right that you want to be mad. You haven't asked for anything because you don't want to fracture the good thing you've got. Don't want to be too much, to be a burden they can't support, to make people think you don't deserve to be in Jackson. All things that don't make any fucking sense, not really, but you can't stop them. It's just how you're wired.

"So I'm comin' over this week to fix those hinges. Alright?"

"Alright." Something in Joel softens when you agree.

"Good," he says. "Good."

You finish the patrol in comfortable silence. All told it's been nice. To talk to someone, to feel like they give a shit about you even for just a few hours. You have no doubt Joel will be over to fix your hinges but you figure it'll fizzle out after that -- it always does. You don't know how to ask someone to stick around, anyway. But even this little bit of him will have been worth it.

Something both loosens and tightens in your chest when you get back to Jackson and through the gates. Goodbye beautiful, horrible outside world, hello safety, community, home. It's a trade-off. You and Joel hop off your horses and return your rifles. You're about to hand Apollo off to be brushed and returned to the stables when you feel a hand on your shoulder.

Joel says your name and you turn around.

"Good job today," he says softly. "Not too excitin' of a patrol, but you're good out there."

You blink owlishly. "I-- thanks," you manage. "Maybe we'll get to go out again as a pair." You're showing your hand but you can't help it. You want more of whatever this was.

Joel's mouth pulls up at one corner. "Maybe."

___

Two days later you drag yourself out of the house for community breakfast. Most mornings you're out the door and at your work detail for the day before you can pop over but you don't have anything assigned today. It's a rare respite and it has you antsy. You don't remember how to be idle, aren't any good at it. Sitting in your empty house means your mind might wander to the thoughts you try very hard to keep at bay. The loneliness, the regret, the fear. The loss. It's always there and you've gotten better at dealing with it after so many years but some days you really just wish you could talk about it to someone, could just bitch and moan about how fucking awful this life can be.

But everyone is carrying their own shit and you don't need to add to it. You don't want anyone to have to carry yours, too.

Breakfast is quiet this morning. You settle at a table with your toast and your eggs and your potatoes and smile back at anyone who smiles at you but no one sits with you. If they did you don't know what you'd say.

But then the air changes. Your neck feels a little hot and you slowly look around until you see what's caused it -- Joel and Ellie are here. He's already looking at you when you meet his eyes and he smiles a little, a half-moon curve of his mouth, and nods. You wave.

Ellie waves back, which you don't expect. She says something to Joel and he frowns, rolls his eyes. She punches him in the arm and he flips her off and grabs two plates, starts to fill them. You smile down at your own food.

"Man, are the potatoes that fucking good today?"

You look up and find Ellie in front of you. You're pretty sure she's 16 or thereabouts, still growing into herself based on the way she shifts on her feet. Her right forearm has the outline of something floral. She notices you looking at it and crosses her arms, looking unimpressed. Ah, teenagers.

"Pretty okay," you tell her. "I don't know if we've met yet --"

"We kinda have," she interrupts. "I know your name and you know mine, so. And you're at the library sometimes when I check shit out."

This still does not explain why she's over here talking to you. You can see Joel in the breakfast line still, glancing over his shoulder every so often to see if she's still in the room. You try not to catch his gaze because you're a little afraid of what Ellie might read in it.

"Can I do something for you, Ellie?" you ask, not unkindly. She scrunches up her nose and then sighs.

"Joel told me not to bother you but I wanted to ask if you could look out for a book for me. At the library." Her words get faster as she reaches the end of her sentence. She takes a look at you, sees that you're not telling her to fuck off, or something, and keeps talking. Some book about the history of comics or something.

"Oh," you say. You feel a rush of affection for her and the fact that she can hold the record for headshots on a group patrol and still want to read about something she loves in her free time. "Yeah, I'll look for you. I don't have a library shift until tomorrow but I'll look and put it aside if I find it for you."

Ellie tugs on her fingers. "Don't you need to write it down or something?"

You smile at her. "No, I'll remember." You recite the title and author she just told you back to her and it seems to satisfy her. It's like a switch is flipped -- her earnest expression morphs into something you can only call mischief.

"So Joel's coming over to fix your doors, or whatever," she says. "How'd you crack him?"

"I--what?"

"You patrol with him once and he's coming over to your house," she says. "It took him like, weeks to laugh at one of my jokes. And I'm fucking funny!"

You have no idea what to say to that. Patrol with Joel was your first time talking to him and while he's a bit intimidating, sure, he never came off as anything other than...good. But you'd bet he wasn't always that way in this world. Maybe this girl in front of you had something to do with it.

And honestly, you're sure he just feels a little bad for you. He's nice enough to worry, to make sure everyone in town can do their part and you'll take what you can get even if it's temporary attention.

Part of you knows Ellie is just giving you a hard time because she's a teenager and you're kind of connected to the guy who looks after her so you're fair game, too. But she's talking to you like she wants to which is throwing you for a loop. And you're realizing it's been a long time since you actually wanted someone to like you. Well, Joel aside.

"You want to tell me one?" you ask. She looks surprised and then delighted.

"Oh, fuck yeah. Okay, let me think." You take another bite of your breakfast. "Okay, okay, I got it. What did the mermaid wear to her math class?"

You give it a few seconds before you shrug. Ellie grins. "An algae-bra."

Your laugh makes her grin bigger. "See? Fucking hilarious." She holds out her hand for a high five and you oblige. "Anyway, Joel's gonna come over tomorrow, I think. Seriously, dude, I don't know how you did it. He never used to be this nice!" She looks over her shoulder at the man in question. He's sitting down at another table. "He's getting soft."

Her voice is fond and you're pretty sure she doesn't notice. "You should go eat your breakfast, Ellie," you tell her.

She sighs like the weight of the world is on her shoulders. "Yeah, I'm fucking hungry. Let me know if you find that book!"

"I will," you call after her. You can't help but watch as she barrels back to her table with Joel and immediately makes an attempt at his bacon. He fends her off with his fork before surrendering a piece with a scowl.

He looks up and catches your eye again. You stand with your tray and nod at him, turning around before you can see his expression. Stupid, so stupid to be caught looking like that. But you can't help it -- looking at the love still alive in this shitty world and wondering what it feels like.

___

You run into Joel on your walk home from the next day's shift at the library. You spent probably far too much of it looking for the book Ellie wanted but it was worth it because you've got it tucked under your arm. It feels like a small miracle but you're not one to question it.

Maybe it's the good mood you're in, but when you see Joel from behind you call out his name. He doesn't stop walking but turns his head like he heard something. When he spots you he does stop, waiting for you to catch up.

"Hi," you say, suddenly a little less brave.

"Howdy," he replies, amused. "I'm headed your way."

"You --" He lifts a toolbox you now realize he's carrying. "Oh, right. Hinges."

"I can come by another day if it's not a good time."

Joel could knock on your door in the middle of the night and it would be a good time. "No, ah. Now's good." He motions for you to lead the way even though he clearly knew where he was going. He must have asked Tommy.

It seems like everyone waves as you two head for your street. They call out Joel's name and he knows pretty much everyone. You feel a little self-conscious being seen with him like this -- you, pretty much a nobody in town through your own doing and Joel, beloved by all.

It doesn't stop until you're almost at your door. "You're popular," you say, trying to make it sound teasing. Instead, it sounds awed.

Joel runs his free hand through his beard. "Don't remind me," he grumbles. "Can't go for a walk without a damn conversation."

You pull out your keys and unlock the front door. There are plenty of people in Jackson who don't lock their doors but you can't shake the need. "Sounds difficult."

He chuckles and you feel it zing up your spine. It's nice to make him laugh. "Yeah, yeah. S'pose it's nice." The front door opens with a creak and you look at him sheepishly. His eyebrows touch his hairline. "They all like that?"

You nod. Joel whistles. "Christ," he says. "Alright." He follows you into the house. You try not to think about what he sees. You've tried to make it your own, just a little. Posters you traded for, books you've collected. You cleaned the whole thing top to bottom when you moved in but somehow it still looks a little un-lived in. You're working on it.

"Don't let me bother you," Joel says, getting on one knee with a grunt and prying open his box. "Probably need 'bout an hour to get 'em all. I'll holler when I'm done."

That's your cue to busy yourself with something, anything, but you don't want to. You want to talk to him, to watch him do whatever he's going to do, to soak up this time with Joel before he walks out the door and you go back to being acquaintances.

"What are you going to use?" you ask. He looks up, a little surprised, before pulling out a spray bottle and a rag. He shakes it at you.

"It's some sorta homemade shit one of the younger guys cooked up," Joel says. Somehow he manages to sound self-deprecating, like he thinks he should've thought of it first. "I think it's...soap? And cleanin' stuff? Fuck, I don't know." He huffs a laugh. "I know it works, though. Back in the day we'd use shit you could buy on the shelf." He stands with a grunt. "You old enough to know that?"

That gets you to laugh. "Yeah, Joel," you say. "I'm old enough to remember the hardware store."

His gaze feels a little different than before, like he's allowing himself to look. "Hmm," is all he says. "I'll just --"

You don't know how to justify shadowing him as he oils your hinges -- there's a joke there's somewhere -- so you don't. You grab a book from the shelf and settle on your couch and try your best to read but your mind wanders.

It's pretty clear that you have a crush on Joel. You've spent one patrol with the guy but somehow he's gotten under your skin. It's inconvenient but also...nice? A crush at the end of the world. The fact that you can still feel something so sweet, so juvenile after all you've seen and all you've done is almost laughable. And it's not like it's going to go anywhere -- you're sure Joel thinks you're too young for him, too green, and he's probably tripping over admirers in town. But you can let it be something to keep your days interesting until it fades.

It was hard enough to love yourself before the world ended for reasons anyone could understand. Societal pressures, stupid comparisons, things that don't matter at all now. Who has time to think about being loved when you're constantly faced with death? Feeling desired, feeling loved, feeling looked after isn't exactly top of mind. You're not even sure you remember how. You put one foot in front of the other and that's enough.

But wouldn't it be nice to be on the receiving end of affection from a man like Joel?

"All finished." You startle and realize you haven't turned a single page of your book. If Joel notices he doesn't say. He wipes his hands on a rag and eyes you. "Pretty sure I got all the doors."

You hop up from the couch and try to find your words. "I -- that's -- you're --"

"Thank you will do just fine," he says with a smirk. He tucks the rag in his back pocket and crosses his arms, leaning against the wall.

"Let me cook for you," you blurt out instead. "In exchange." You can make a few things fairly decently and making him something is another excuse to talk to him like this, to be on the receiving end of those eyes. "I can make chili. Does Ellie like chili?"

"Don't have to do that," he says kindly. "Helpin' you ain't a business deal. S'what people do here." He stands straight and heads for your front door, picking up his toolbox on the way.

"Joel," you say, snagging his sleeve with your fingers. You pull them back quickly and grab the book you brought home, holding it out for him. "Ellie asked me to look for this. Could you give it to her?"

He looks at the book the same way he looks at his kid. It's tenderness so raw you look away. "I will," he says softly. He tucks the book under his arm like precious cargo. "Thank you for findin' it for her." He clears his throat and looks at you, smirk back in place. "Wasn't so bad, was it?" he asks. You don't follow. "Havin' someone help you," he adds.

Your face feels hot. "I'll still cook for you," you say, opening the door. He shakes his head.

"You let me know if you need anythin' else, alright?" A quick smile and he's down the steps and back into the street, strolling back to his own home.

"I will." You say it to yourself and almost mean it.

___

You patrol a few more times over the next month but never get paired up with Joel. If you were a little braver you'd ask Tommy or the kid he's training to take over the schedule to put you two together but you don't. Instead, you wave at Ellie when you see her, nod at Joel from the other side of rooms where he's always talking to someone else. You let yourself enjoy the way your heart picks up at the sight of him and the thrill you feel after he smiles at you. It's a nice change to the boring, lonely routine you had before.

The doors in your house open and close silently.

Being outside is fine. You don't like it any more or any less, it just is what it is. Life at the end of the world continues on.

Until you have a bad patrol.

It's no one's fault and no one gets bit. You and your partner, Astrid, are tailing a buck that's wandering along your route. If you can shoot it you can load it on one of your horses and ride back together on the other. Winter is on its way and any extra meat helps.

You follow protocol. You're lining the deer up through the scope while she keeps watch. Just as you prepare to pull the trigger you feel it -- the pull of your gut telling you something isn't right. That feeling has kept you alive all these years so you lower the rifle and turn to Astrid just in time to see a stalker lunge out of the brush.

Its broken and jagged nails catch your shoulders and you go down hard enough to bruise. You can't hear anything over its snarls and the blood pounding in your ears but you do your fucking best. You wedge your forearm under its chin and try like hell to keep its mouth away from you. Your other hand somehow makes it to your belt and unsheathes your hunting knife and in one swift movement, you shove it into the soft jaw of the infected. Hot blood spurts over your face and you keep your mouth closed, shoving the corpse off you.

A gunshot has you whirling around and scooping up the rifle. You've got it ready to fire but you only find Astrid standing over a stalker corpse of her own, forehead bleeding and revolver smoking.

"You clean?" you ask her, eyes on her forehead. She nods.

"Shoved me into some thorns. You?"

"Yeah. Can we go home now?"

Your hands don't shake until you get back to Jackson. They tremble when you wash the blood from your face, your hair. You wish for just a second that you had someone to hold them, someone to tell you it's alright. Someone to talk to about how shitty your day was and how scared you were and how sometimes this life is so fucking exhausting and just when you think you're safe you're reminded that no one is safe anymore.

Maybe this is the kind of thing Joel was talking about. Asking for help.

The thought fades quickly. You can deal with this. You're just out of practice. You just got comfortable.

You go to bed as early as you can bear, closing your eyes and hoping for dreamless sleep.

You could only be so lucky.

You're no stranger to nightmares. Hell, who isn't? Usually, it's the same old shit -- people you've lost, fucked up things you've done, horrors you've seen. You know how to deal with it.

But this is the first time in a while you've got new nightmare fuel. The hot, rancid breath of the stalker and the agonizing sound of its moans. Your own choked gasps as you try with all of your strength to keep its rotting teeth away from you. Unlike reality, your dreams don't allow you to grab a hold of your knife and instead, you feel it take a chunk out of your neck, hot blood splattering your face and you have to just lie there as it bites and bites and bites --

You jolt upright with a small gasp. Necessity has taught you to wake silently.

"Fuck," you say to the empty room. No way you're going back to sleep after that. You swing your legs over the side of your bed and put your head in your hands. "Breathe. Breathe."

The sky is black through your windows. You have no idea what time it is but you stand before the lingering panic can take hold and make things worse. Fresh air will get the iron smell out of your nose. You dress in the dark in more layers than necessary but you want to stop shaking.

Jackson at night is quiet but there are always a few people around, always someone else who can't sleep. The sky is clear and the moon is bright and it smells like woodsmoke and the unique earthy feel of the valley. This is your home. So long as you have this you can get through it.

Your feet take you through the streets of houses, most of the windows dark. Just another lap around town and then you'll go home, try to sleep again.

Then you hear something. The gentle strum of an acoustic guitar weaving with the night air like a dream. A song from before, a song you recognize but don't know the name of, don't know the words. You wrap your arms around yourself and follow the sound down Rancher Street. If you find whoever is playing it you'll wave and walk slowly home.

Your breath catches in your throat when you see whose house it is. Joel is on the porch, rocking slowly and head leaning back, eyes closed as he strums. How did you not know he played guitar? It only makes sense that the hands that are capable of such violence can also make something beautiful. He can ruffle Ellie's hair and pull the trigger and fix your doors and do this.

Something in your chest tightens.

Joel's eyes open and land on you immediately. You realize how it looks -- you standing in front of his house in the middle of the night, watching him. But he stops his playing and calls out your name.

"Hey, you alright?" he says. You hover between taking a step forward and a step back.

"Couldn't sleep."

He shakes his head. "Can't hear ya," he says. "C'mere."

Step forward it is. Up the stairs and onto the porch that creaks a little under your boots. There's only one chair and a small table with a lantern on it. Wind chimes dangle over the railing and you drag your hand through them on instinct like a child with a toy.

"Sorry," you say softly.

"Only got one chair," Joel says. He's got one boot resting on his knee, guitar slung across his lap. He looks tired. "I'll go get another --"

You wave him off. "No, please," you say. "I'll stand. I'm too antsy to sit, anyway." If you sit down in a chair next to Joel Miller you might never get up.

He frowns but settles back into his seat. "You alright?" he asks again.

His gaze is a little too much. You feel silly all of a sudden, not sure how you got here. A fucking nightmare? God, you're ridiculous. You cross your arms and lean back on the railing and look anywhere but him.

"Couldn't sleep." Joel hums.

"Heard that one before."

He strums some more and you relax again despite yourself. "Sounds nice. Do you play a lot?"

"Sometimes," he says. "Old habit."

"It's a nice one. Better than walking the streets in the dark." Your tone is harsher than you mean it to be and Joel frowns.

"It's safe to," he says, as though your wellbeing is his personal concern. "Bit cold, though."

"Why are you out here then?" You're frustrated with yourself and taking it out on him just a little bit. The smell of blood fills your nostrils again and you press your fingertips into your crossed arms, hard, and close your eyes. Your breath stutters in your chest.

"Nightmares," Joel says wryly. There's some shifting, the scrape of wood on wood and you open your eyes. His are fixated on your fingers and you stop squeezing. The guitar is now leaning up against the house and he's got his elbows on his knees like he's about to ask you a serious question. The lantern light makes his hair look darker, less silver, but it also makes the lines on his face look deeper. You wonder what kind of shit he's seen. What things he has nightmares about.

"Had this conversation with Ellie a million times," he huffs, rubs his hand through his beard in what you now consider a familiar gesture. "You don't need to talk if you don't want to. But can't hurt."

Is he asking you to talk about your nightmare? Does he actually want to know? Do you know how to talk about it?

"I take it you're a fountain of emotional sharing, huh?" Again, the misplaced frustration. You don't know how to turn it off.

His eyes flash but he just leans back in his chair and shrugs. "Depends on the day."

The low-level hum of your infatuation with him flares and your traitorous brain bats it down right away. You want to see all sides that he can offer you, want to make him frustrated and angry just to see if that'll make him sick of you.

You run your hand through the wind chimes again, watching your fingers move through the air. You remember what the knife felt like in your hand, the way the blood was hot as it dripped down your wrist and onto your face.

"Tough patrol," you say. "Messiest since I got here." Joel says nothing and you don't look at him. "I...it was fine. We got jumped by some stalkers and it was fine but...close. And I -- I didn't realize how badly I wanted to come back here until then. How badly I wanted to go home at the end of it. Does that make sense?"

You finally look up and Joel's knuckles are white on the arms of his chair. When he sees you looking he crosses his arms. "Sure," he says, clears his throat.

The urge to try to explain more is overwhelming. "I mean, we've all done fucked up shit. I've been up to my elbows in infected guts and still come out on top and slept like a rock the night after. And all of a sudden I can't fucking handle a stalker getting in my face. It's like I've never had to get my hands dirty before and what if it means I'm going to fuck up next time --"

"Hey," Joel says firmly. You feel a hand on your forearm and realize you've been pacing, arms flailing as you rambled. He gives it a squeeze and then releases you. "Feel like I gotta say fuck now to catch up with you."

A wet chuckle works its way out of you. Where did that come from? Are you about to cry? On the porch of the man you have a stupid, stupid crush on? This is embarrassing. And his touch. People touch you all the time, all things considered. A tap on patrol indicating silence, a hand on your arm to get your attention, to brace you as you lift something. Children in town who don't know the horrors outside the walls give affection freely. Hell, Joel touched your shoulder after your patrol. You're not touch starved but you feel like no one has touched you with tenderness and meant it in years.

"Sorry."

Joel tuts. "C'mon," he says. "I asked."

"I don't think I feel any better."

He stands and grunts as he does so. He's so much closer than before, so close you can smell what you can only describe as Joel: wood shavings and gunpowder, laundry soap and leather. It's a little dizzying. He leans on the railing next to you.

"Bet when you go back to bed you won't dream," he says. "Usually what happens."

"Here you are again," you sigh. "Helping me out. I promise I get on just fine on my own."

"I know," he says. His eyes are warm and so, so deep. "Don't have to, though."

Joel, for all his kindness and popularity in town, is a man just like any other. A person who has seen and done shit that no one should have to see and do. You know he's got his fair share of secrets, of things he won't talk about. You all do. You know he can be unflinching and maybe even cruel, dangerous and deadly. Whatever is happening here -- this openness, this desire of his to help you out -- is hard won. You think about what Ellie said and let yourself have a dangerous thought: maybe he's this way with you because he wants to be.

You sway into him just a little before catching yourself and standing up straight. "I should go try that dreamless sleep," you say softly. "And you should, too." It does not escape your notice that you haven't talked about Joel's nightmares, whatever they are. You don't think he'd be that open. A piece of you imagines a world where you ask and he answers.

"I might," he says. Neither of you move.

That small piece of you would stay here all night. That small piece of you tries for the next best thing.

"Will you let me cook for you now?" you ask. It sounds a little desperate to your own ears. "Please?"

"Persistent, ain't you?" He taps his closed fist on the railing once, twice. "Well, if it's that important to you. Chili, you said?"

"I can have it done by sundown tomorrow. I'm on greenhouses but we always finish early. You can come by and get it. I'll do enough for you and Ellie for a few days." You're rambling but finally he's going to let you do something for him. Hinges, nightmares, it's too much. Maybe you can somehow cook out this affection for him, get rid of it with your own hands if you try hard enough.

"Alright," Joel says. He puts his hand on your shoulder lightly and squeezes once. You feel it all the way down to your toes. "Now get outta this damn cold."

He doesn't offer to walk you home. You'd say no if he did. You need the time to sort out the mess in your mind. You give him the most earnest smile you can manage and he watches from his porch until you turn out of sight.

__

Joel is on your mind all day. More so than usual, which is saying a lot. The crush has turned into something...more. Something that makes you hope and that something is dangerous. It's just setting yourself up to be hurt through no fault of Joel's when it goes nowhere. Because why would he be thinking about you?

"You're smiley today," Dina says. She's a sweet girl and you're paired together on greenhouse shift today. She's always got a story to tell about plants she and her sister saw in New Mexico or some weird mushroom she found on group patrol. You love how positive she is and you try to absorb some.

"Am I?" you say lightly.

She tugs on one more cucumber, putting it in your shared basket before wiping her face. She gets dirt on her nose. It makes her look young. "Got big plans?"

Your face feels hot. "Just cooking for a...friend." It's the first time you've said that out loud. It's probably true, right? Acquaintance, at least. Joel is important to you and it's taken an alarmingly short amount of time for it to solidify. That's just how the world works these days -- you never know how much time you have so everything moves faster. You care harder despite years of proof that nothing good comes of it. You can't help it. You were made to leak love like an open wound.

"A friend," Dina teases. Teenagers. You remember that she's friends with Ellie and it's very possible she knows exactly what you're talking about but she's too kind to say anything more.

"Yep," you say, popping the p. "Do I have to start teasing you about Jesse or are you going to cut me some slack?"

"Well, hey," she laughs. "I think it's nice to be excited about something. You're so serious all the time."

"Am not," you mutter.

Something you appreciate about Dina is that despite her age she knows when to leave it. "Whatever you say," she says primly.

Once work is over and you're back home the cooking goes quick. You focus just enough considering you want this to actually be good and for Joel and Ellie to like it. It's thank you chili, it's you are important to me chili, it's I want to see you every day for the rest of my life chili.

Well. It's thank you at the very least.

And food, especially in this world, means something extra. There's enough to go around in Jackson, more than enough, but anyone taking the time to fix something with their own hands means more. You know how different a meal can taste when someone makes it with care.

And to say you care is a bit of an understatement.

The chili is simmering and you're about to start on the dishes when there's a knock on the door.

"Shit," you say. You wipe your hands on a towel and pad down the hall in socked feet. When you open it you find Joel bathed in the golden light of the sunset. His hands are tucked in his pockets, the collar of his coat turned up to protect his neck from the chill that's settled in for the season. His face softens at the sight of you but his shoulders are still tight. Is he...nervous? No, you're projecting.

Here he is on your doorstep again. If you're not careful you'll get used to him being there.

"Sorry for bein' a bit early," he says at the same time you say, "I was just thinking about you ."

The tension melts out of him and he smirks like a man with a secret. "That so?"

Your eyes are wide as you find your words. Hopefully ones that aren't embarrassing. "Come in," you say. "I'm letting the heat out."

He follows you to the kitchen. "Smells good," he says.

"It's not quite done yet but that's a good sign, I guess." You stir the pot before rolling up your sleeves and taking your spot in front of the sink. "Sorry it's a bit of a mess, I was about to start on this --"

"Now I know you ain't about to do all that yourself," Joel drawls. It's a syrupy tone you haven't heard from him, not really. Is he...flirting with you?

"I...what?"

"Scoot," Joel says. He steps beside you in front of the sink and gently bumps your hip with his. "Seriously."

"Joel--"

"Does it look like I'm kiddin'?"

He keeps his eyes on yours as he shrugs off his jacket, tosses it on this island, and rolls his shirtsleeves up to his elbow. You look away from him so you can watch.

"This is getting ridiculous," you tell him even as you hop up to sit on the counter closest to the sink so you can see his face. He turns on the tap and starts on the various things in the sink even though some of them are clearly not from cooking tonight. "You'll be sick of this chili before I can pay you back."

"I told you it ain't like that," he scolds. "So quit it."

There's no real bite to his tone but you do as he says all the same. You kick your feet out a few times and do your best not to stare but fail miserably. The fall sunlight seems to have followed him into your house, pinkish-golden beams falling across his face. You can see a triangle of chest at the top of his shirt, a few dark curls teasing the hair on him. The scar on the bridge of his nose is much harsher up close, much deeper than the countless other ones that dot his forehead, his temples. He doesn't look as tired today. Maybe he got some sleep after all.

So did you. You didn't dream.

"How was your day?" you ask. Joel's eyes flick up to yours for just a breath before he looks back down at his task. His mouth pulls up at the corner.

"Fine," he says. "Had to fix the water heater at Ellie's place."

A piece of hair falls in his face and you shove your palms under your thighs so you don't brush it back.

You tap his denim-clad thigh with your socked foot, almost like a compromise with yourself when it comes to touching him. "And that took all day?" Damn, are you the one flirting now?

Joel seems amused in a grumpy way. "Well, no," he says. The faucet is on so he speaks a little louder. "Did some house chores. Worked on a guitar. Took a nap."

The image of Joel sprawled out on a couch is clear as day. You bet he looks relaxed in his sleep, the lines on his face not as pronounced, his breathing steady and even.

"Busy day," you say softly. He's about to say more, lips parted to ask about your day, maybe, but you're not about to admit that you spent all day thinking about him so you keep talking before he can. "Does Ellie like living in the garage?"

"Think so," he says. "She spends a night in the house every so often but I think she likes havin' her own space. S'important to me to give her that."

This is uncharted territory. You desperately don't want to step in shit, to somehow make him bring his walls back up. Everyone is protective of the things they love in this world and for good reason and you're pretty sure there is nothing and no one Joel loves more than Ellie.

"She's a good kid," you offer. "Everyone in town loves her."

Joel smiles down at his hands, that soft, raw smile you've seen a few times when talking about her. It makes your chest ache. "She is," he admits. "Pain in my ass, too."

You want so badly to ask him the details. How did they meet? How did they get here? How did they become so devoted to one another? And what happened in the last twenty years to get him to right now, washing dishes in your kitchen?

But you haven't earned that stuff yet. Maybe you never will.

"Does she like Jackson?" You remember what he said about them settling in, sleeping in the living room with their shoes on. You imagine he kept watch for weeks, maybe months, before deciding it was safe.

He nods. "S'good for her to have friends. And havin' school is good for her. She's real smart." He clears his throat. "And you? D'you like it?"

"Well, I like it much better now that my hinges don't squeak."

Joel laughs. "I'll bet you do." He's almost done, everything from your chili-making washed and set aside to dry. He's doing your dishes from breakfast but shows no signs of stopping."Do you cook like this a lot?

Your brows furrow. "I-- no, actually," you admit. "It's just me, so. Not worth putting in the effort that often."

He turns off the tap and grabs a towel and starts to dry. You should offer to help but you feel frozen to the counter. If you get any closer to him you might snap. His jaw is tight.

"When Ellie and I --" he stops, takes a moment to focus on the bowl in his hands. Joel, you've noticed, doesn't tend to say things he doesn't mean, at least not to you. It's like he knows that every word counts in a life as unpredictable as this. "We had a bit of a rough patch last year and we didn't talk for a while. I was damn near eatin' canned veggies on days Tommy didn't drag me to the community meals." He sighs and sets the bowl on the counter ever so gently. Violence and tenderness go hand in hand with him. "Just didn't have it in myself to try cookin' if she wasn't there to eat it."

It's the most vulnerable thing he's said. He keeps doing this -- offering you pieces of himself that you want to hold close, that make you think maybe he wants you to know him.

"Joel--"

"I guess what I'm sayin' is it's easier to take care of yourself when you're also takin' care of people who matter to you. That make sense?"

"Yeah," you breathe. "It does."

The whole scene is so...domestic that your chest aches. Joel in your kitchen doing your dishes. He's helping you yet again but this feels different. It feels like he wants to be here, talking to you. It feels real.

He finishes his task and dries his hands on a faded towel. You hop down from the counter to check the chili. "Should be done," you say. "Do you want to try it? Make sure it's worth it?"

"Oh, it's worth it," he mutters. You work to keep your face neutral. What does that mean? "Sure."

You pull a spoon from the drawer and while it would make more sense to just hand it to him you don't. Instead, you dip it into the steaming liquid and hold it out for him, your other hand cupped underneath to catch any spill. Joel stares at your offering for a few seconds and you wonder if he can hear your heart beating.

Then Joel reaches out slowly like he's afraid you'll bolt if he goes too fast, and lightly wraps his hand around your wrist. It's the first time he's touched you skin to skin and you know immediately that it's a mistake.

You'll never stop wanting him now.

His palm is warm, callused fingertips pressing gently into your skin and he tugs, bringing the spoon -- and you -- closer to his mouth. Everything moves in slow motion for a few moments and it's like you are the only two people in the world. Your kitchen fades and it's just Joel. His lips part and he slides the spoon into his mouth at the same time as his thumb strokes the inside skin of your wrist.

It's very possible that you gasp a little.

He closes his eyes and you're torn between watching his face and his throat as he swallows. You could look at him forever, you think, and never get enough. The set of his brow, the hard line of his jaw. Lines around his eyes and mouth from years of terror and violence but also from laughter and smiles. You want to learn every inch of him if he'll let you.

"Christ," Joel says. His eyes fly open and find yours. "That's good. That's real good."

"You're just saying that," you say weakly. He hasn't let go of your wrist and his thumb strokes once again. You wonder if you realize he's doing it.

Something in his face changes, something so small that you only notice because you're watching. It feels like he has decided something and you wish you knew him well enough to say what. You dare to hope it has to do with you.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm a good liar but I ain't just sayin' that."

Sweetheart. It echoes in your ears, burrows its way into your chest and takes root.

You're so fucked.

But there's something in Joel's gaze, in the brush of his thumb across your skin, in the fact he's just done all of your dishes and talked to you like he wants to be here that gives your traitorous heart some ground to stand on.

You send him home with as many glass containers of chili as he'll take. He argues that you won't have enough for yourself and manages to convince you to keep a few. You don't tell him that what you really want is to sit next to him at a table and eat it, knees bumping under the wood and his smile making your empty house feel warm.

"Tell Ellie I say hi," you say once he's out your door and on the porch. "And let me know if she likes it."

"Will do," Joel says. You hug your arms around yourself against the chill. He frowns slightly.

You wonder if he'd touch you if his hands weren't full.

"And thank you for--"

He shakes his head. "Not acceptin' thanks," he chides. "Not from you."

You don't know what to say to that. Joel seems to realize he's rendered you speechless, not for the first time, and nods his head before heading home.

"See you around, Joel," you call after him. It sounds half like a question and half like a wish.

He turns. "Countin' on it."

___

You do see him around but not as much as you'd like. Things pick up around town before the seasons can change and send Wyoming into winter. You find yourself in the kitchen most days helping seal jars for the community food stores, hands chapped from the hot water and heart light when you think about Joel. He nods at you from across the dining hall, opens the door of the library when you're going in and he's coming out, and tells Ellie to tell you how good the chili was when you share a shift at the stables.

"Fucking amazing," she says.

You sleep fairly well, going to bed each night with a little bit of lightness in your heart that you allow because why not? There's no way out short of Joel telling you to fuck off and you don't think that'll happen. If only you could get over yourself a little more and actually do something about it.

As much as you want to keep telling yourself that this -- glances across rooms, smiles from a distance, memories of his hand on your skin -- is enough, you're not sure that it is. The force of your want is destabilizing considering the most that's happened is maybe a little bit of flirting. But maybe this is you taking his direction to ask for...no help, not exactly, but to ask for something. To ask for him.

Today you're going on patrol. You decide as you mount your horse that you're going to ask Joel if he wants to get a drink when you get back. You want to talk to him again, let him under your skin a little more. Maybe tell him some things about yourself. Sometimes he's milling around the gate or on wall duty but you don't see him as you and your partner -- a fairly new kid in his twenties -- take your rifles and head out. You're on an easy route today, just clearing out the town over the hill and the highway exits near Jackson. Shouldn't take you more than a few hours.

It goes to shit fairly quickly.

The kid -- Conner? Charlie? You can't remember -- is rambling about the infected he's killed for some reason when you realize something isn't quite right. You can't hear any birds. Apollo snorts and it sounds panicked. You motion for the kid to stop talking but he either ignores you or doesn't see.

He sure shuts up when the clicker bursts out of a house to your left. Apollo startles and rears at the moment you reach for your gun and you can't grab hold in time.

You go flying, bouncing off a rusted-out car and landing hard on the broken pavement of the street with a popping sound. There is a pain in your shoulder so intense your vision whites out. The kid is shouting, the clicker is making that awful sound, but then you hear two gunshots and nothing else.

"Holy fuck," he says, rushing over to you. "Fuck, are you okay?"

Well, for a talker, this kid a good shot.

"Get the -- horse --" You roll onto your back with a groan and he grabs Apollo and settles him.

"What happened?"

You stare up at the sky, blue turning purple. It'll be sunset soon and you very well might be fucked if this is what you think it is.

"I think my shoulder popped out," you say through gritted teeth. Your head doesn't hurt like you smacked it and your side is only a little sore. Maybe some bruised ribs. Your hands are scraped, blood beading on the heels of your palms. "Help me up."

"Holy shit." He helps you sit up and then stand, your left arm hanging limp at your side. You hiss through your teeth as it gets jostled and lean heavily on the car. "You don't look so good," he says. "Can you ride? We should only be a half hour out of town."

"I...don't think so." You're pretty sure you'll pass out from the pain and this kid doesn't look like he can handle that. You don't want to fuck up the joint any more than you have to. "You're going to have to go back and bring someone to set it for me, okay?"

"But the rules say --"

"I know what the fucking rules say," you snap. Don't let your partner out of your sight. Your shoulder is throbbing and you might cry but not until this kid is on his way back to town. "That's why you're going to go as fast as you can, alright?"

"We should at least clear a building first so you can --"

"No time," you say, looking at the sky. "If we want to be back before nightfall you need to go now. I'll handle myself."

You really should know his name. He sets his jaw in a move that reminds you of Joel which causes a pang in your chest so intense you want to rub it away. "I'll clear that garage, okay?" He points behind you and before you can stop him he runs towards it with his gun out.

Lucky for both of you it's clear. You take Apollo inside and slump against the wall, pistol in your hand. The kid closes the garage door behind him and you hear the clop of his horse as he gallops away.

"Fuck," you say into the empty room. It's dusty and full of cobwebs and not much else. Empty metal shelves, a rusted-out lawn mower, some tarps so ratted they're useless. Apollo snorts. "Not your fault, buddy."

Death has been nipping at your heels for twenty years now. You've always expected it. And you're fairly certain you won't die out here. Maybe end up spending a night on this floor, having to walk yourself back to Jackson tomorrow morning. But you can't help the fear that rises in your throat. You know how an injury like this means so much more in this world. You won't be able to work for weeks. You won't be able to patrol, to pull your weight.

You're going to need a lot of help.

You close your eyes against the stinging tears and thud your head against the wall.

The pain dulls the embarrassment you feel when you catch yourself thinking of Joel. You wish he was here. If you'd been on patrol together this wouldn't have happened. You wonder what he's going to think of this.

What you'd really like is for him to hold you and tell you it'll be alright.

A few tears slip down your nose. Apollo noses at your knee.

There are no windows so you don't know how much time has passed. You start to question if this was the right call. Maybe you could have made it back on horseback, or at the very least slung across the back of Apollo like a sack of flour, arm be damned.

Your traitorous brain is about to remind you of all the things that go bump in the night out here when you hear something. 

Someone is calling your name. Yelling it.

"Here!" you scream. Apollo whinnies. "I'm here!" You have no idea if they can hear you. You press your good shoulder into the wall behind you and try to push yourself to your feet but just as you do the garage door is hauled open and there stands --

Joel.

A sob bursts from your throat and you will yourself to pull it together. Behind him the sky is much more orange than it was when you first sat down.

Joel's eyes look you up and down once before cataloging the space and locking on some milk crates. He stacks two of them.

"Sit," he says. His voice is tight.

"Joel --"

"Sit."

You do as he says. He kneels at your feet and rummages around in his bag. His horse stands munching on some overgrown grass on the driveway. Did he come alone?

"How are you here --"

Joel cuts you off with a glare. His eyes are blazing, jaw grinding as he holds out a length of bandage.

"Hold this." He stands and his knees crack. "Kid said it's your shoulder. Anything else?"

The throb is still deep, still intense, but his arrival almost made you forget all about it. You shake your head.

"Didn't hit your head? Crack ribs? Nothin' like that?"

"No, I don't think so --"

"Need you to sit up straight," he says. There's no warmth in his tone but it's a little softer now that he's taken stock of the situation. "I ain't gonna lie to you, this is going to hurt like hell." He digs in his pocket for something and pulls out a square of leather. "Need you to bite down on this."

He squats so that you're just about face to face and holds out the leather. It feels like being in your kitchen, you holding out the spoon and fighting your desire to touch him. Except this time he won't look you in the eye. You open your mouth and he gently places it between your teeth, thumb catching the corner of your lips and trailing along the edge of your chin before he pulls away and stands up.

"I'm going to reset it on three, alright? Bite down hard on that." He finally meets your gaze and you nod and close your eyes. He puts one hand on your shoulder and the other on your wrist and you wince even though you feel incredibly safe in his hands. "Alright. One...two --"

Joel jerks your arm up and around before he hits three and you barely hear it pop back into place because, as he said, it hurts like hell. You bite down hard on the leather which also serves to muffle your scream.

Someone is talking to you."I know, baby, I know. Good job, you did a good job."

You open your eyes and wipe away a few tears with one hand and pull the leather from your teeth. Joel looks pained but his face snaps back to neutral when he sees you watching. His eyes narrow.

"Where did that come from?" He gently grabs your wrist and looks at your palm and you both find it bloody. "Got it on your face."

"Scraped my hands when I fell," you say hoarsely. He clicks his tongue.

"Give me that bandage." You don't even get a chance to hand it to him because he plucks it from your lap. "Gonna make this into a sling for this arm. Try not to move it much. Then we'll clean those hands and head home. Get you to the clinic for some meds." He gently positions your arm, which hurts a lot less than before but is still throbbing, and ties a sling so it's bent close to your chest. You can feel his breath on your neck as he does the knot.

And then he's back crouching in front of you.

Joel Miller on his knees for you so many times in one day makes you a little dizzy. Or maybe that's the adrenaline.

"Are you angry with me?" you ask softly as he wipes clean your palms and cheek with firm touches. The muscle in his jaw twitches again and his hands freeze for a split second.

"No," he says. "I ain't mad at you. I just can't believe the fuckin' kid left you here."

"I told him to."

"Can't believe that either. You know better."

"It's fine, Joel," you say. "It doesn't matter. I would have just walked back in the morning if no one came --"

He pulls his hands away and tosses the rag to the floor. "Damnit, it does matter," he curses. "'Course it fuckin' matters. Cut that shit out."

Now you're confused. It sure seems like he's angry with you. "Joel, I don't understand --"

His hands cradle your face and the protest dies in your throat. "You matter to me," he says thickly. His eyes are wide but his stare is steady. "Ain't it fuckin' obvious?" Anger and desperation are dripping from his words. "It matters."

For one long second you think he's going to kiss you. Now that might kill you.

You wrap one hand around his wrist and lean into his palm. A thousand thoughts swirl in your head but you focus on one. Joel is here which means you're safe. Joel is here which means he's going to take care of you. Joel is here. Joel is here. Joel is here.

"Oh," you breathe. You turn your face in his palm and press your lips to the center of it. His breath hitches and it feels like something big between you shifts, slots into place. "Okay," you say against his skin.

He pulls his hands away and stands. He works his jaw a few times before shouldering his pack and holding out his hand. "Let's go home," he says.

You stand with his help. "I think you'll need to help me get on my horse."

"Not a fuckin' chance," he growls but you can still see tenderness in his eyes. "Can't hold on well enough with one arm. We're ridin' together."

This Joel is one you haven't seen. But this is what you wanted, right? You want to see every part of him. Something molten and heavy sits in your stomach at how tense he is, how his hands remain gentle despite his harsh words. How he just told you that you matter to him. Maybe this is all a dream.

He helps you on his horse and then gets on behind you, tying Apollo's reigns to his so you won't lose him. He wraps one arm right around your stomach, mindful of your arm.

"Ain't gonna be comfortable," he says in your ear. "But it'll be over quick."

You lean back into him. Hell, it's all on the table now. If your arm is going to hurt you might as well enjoy your time pressed against him.

"Oh, I don't know," you say. "This isn't so bad." He snorts and snaps the reigns.

He talks low and steady in your ears as you gallop, his palm firm on your abdomen to keep you as still as possible though it's a hopeless venture. Your shoulder aches, sends sharp tendrils of pain through your entire arm with every stride.

He tells you that he was on the wall when your partner came back alone. That he knew something was wrong with you as soon as the kid came into view. He'd seen the patrol assignments and knew you were paired together. Kid didn't know what flag to use to signal his approach because you're not supposed to leave behind your partner.

Joel tells you how he hopped down from the wall and asked the kid where exactly he left you. Demanded to know how hurt you were, if you'd been bit. He was on a horse before anyone else could get their shit together, told them to get Tommy and have the clinic ready for you. Started hollering your name as soon as he got to the street, rifle ready for any infected to show up.

"Damn miracle when you yelled back," he says just as Jackson comes into view. You're sweating and dizzy from the pain, practically all of your weight slumped back into his chest. "Almost there, sweetheart. Doin' real good."

The rest of it is a blur. Joel takes you to the clinic where he becomes increasingly agitated that he set your shoulder wrong until one of the staff says he did it just fine. They give you a real sling and one painkiller to take if you hurt really bad, despite some harsh words from Joel in an attempt to get you more.

"Don't move it above your head for two weeks. Keep the sling on for that time, too. Ice it today, start moving it back and forth a few times in a few days. You got someone to help you for a bit?"

Before you can open her mouth Joel answer for you.

"Yes." The nurse hides her amusement well. She lets you go. Joel keeps his hand on your back as he walks you to your house.

You stop him when you get to your front door. "Joel --"

"If you're about to argue with me, so help me God, I'll --"

"I was going to ask if you need to go check on Ellie." You pull out your keys and after a second hold them out for him. Maybe letting Joel help you is helping him, too. You can handle that. You think.

"Told Tommy to when I left. I'll go home once we get you settled."

We.

"Okay," you say softly. He unlocks the door and motions for you to go in. You sit gingerly on the couch and Joel brings you a glass of water.

And then he paces. He looks at the books on your shelf without seeing them and rubs his thumb against his first two fingers over and over. And all of a sudden he won't look at you.

"Joel, sit down or something," you grumble. "You're making me nervous."

He stops. "Fine." His tone has a bit of bite to it that makes you close your eyes. There's an armchair in the room but he sits next to you instead. He presses his knee to yours, almost in apology.

The adrenaline has faded by now and all you feel is the ache of your shoulder and ribs and rawness of your palms and heart. The shoulder hurts like hell but in a way all of this hurts deeper, harder than that. In the way you know love, or the beginning of it, can hurt.

You sniffle.

Truth is you're overwhelmed. By what happened, by Joel coming to get you and saying all that shit. By him touching you, by him being here, by your own heart beating so quickly at his nearness. Even though you dared hope he felt something close to your affection for him it's a shock to realize he cares about you because you're you, not just because he's a good man. You've always wanted love that came from a place of purpose, which feels selfish on the best of days. You should just accept whatever kindness comes your way in this cruel world.

But, fuck, you've always wanted to feel chosen. Like you matter.

And you do. Right here, you do. From his own lips he's said you do.

You don't even realize you're crying until Joel curses softly and one wide, warm palm is on your face again.

"What's wrong? You hurtin'?" His thumb swipes at your tears. "Talk to me."

"I'm fine." You press your face into his shoulder and he holds you, hand soft on the back of your head. "I'm just -- I'm just really glad you're here, Joel."

"Course I'm here," he says into your hair. "C'mere."

There's nowhere for you to go considering you're already pressed against him. But his arms come around you fully, mindful of your shoulder, and your fingers fist in his shirt.

You should be embarrassed. On the scale of fucked up shit that's happened to you, today is remarkably low. But you let yourself have this. You breathe him in and let him hold you.

"I was going to ask you to get a drink tonight," you mumble. His chest vibrates with laughter.

"That so?" he says. His hand rubs up and down your spine. "Reckon I'd say yes."

You pull back just enough to see his face. This close you can see how his eyes have a bit of gold in them. "Really?" Even with proof of his affection right in front of you it's a little hard to believe.

"Am I readin' this wrong?" he asks. "It's okay if I am--"

"No," you say quickly. "No, you're not."

"Thought so." His lips pull up at the corner just a bit. "But, still. You've had a real rough day, and --"

"Joel," you breathe. You free your good arm from your embrace and put your hand on his jaw. He's touched you plenty today and you want to give it a try yourself. His face is warm, his beard gently rubbing against your skin. His eyes flutter close for a breath before he opens them wide and leans into your hand just a little.

"Alright," he says softly. Then he says your name, just once, ever so tenderly. It sounds like a prayer.

Joel Miller kisses you in the middle of your living room. Despite the affection you've been nursing for him over the last little while you never allowed yourself to imagine what it would be like to kiss him.

It's like this: the first press of his lips is soft like he thinks you'll pull away. When you don't he takes your lower lip between his and presses a little harder. Your hand slides into his hair and he palms your hip with one of his and cups your face with the other. His tongue traces the seam of your lips and you open for him, let him lick into your mouth. You sigh into it and tug on his hair just a little. Joel makes a sound deep in his throat and then pulls away.

You're both breathing heavier than before, both smiling. Joel presses his lips to your forehead, your temple. He holds you against him and you breathe against the skin of his neck.

"Will you let me take care of you?" he says into your hair.

"For my sake or yours?"

You think he'll laugh but he just breathes. "Both," he says. "Hell, you know what's goin' on here. I showed my hand. Been showin' it." He pulls away so you can see the honesty in his face. "I told you in as many damn words as I know how."

He did. He did and you make yourself believe it. Love in this life is worth holding on with both hands. Whatever this is, whatever this is going to become, you want it. You want to let this man continue to teach you to ask for help. You want to learn from him, maybe teach him a few things of your own.

You want to love him. You think you could sooner rather than later.

You trace the line of his brow, run your fingertip over the scar on the bridge of his nose.

"Can you kiss me again?" you ask.

"What a fuckin' question," he says. "C'mere."

thank you for reading <3 reblog, send feedback, general masterlist here!

#joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fluff #joel miller fanfiction #the last of us fanfiction

[forever-rogue]

I have a pretty personal request ❤️ (and I completely understand if you don't feel comfortable writing it.)

But I have been struggling with self-esteem and acceptance of myself since gaining some weight. I know I'm beautiful, but that stupid, nagging voice in the back of my head can be a bitch.

I came up with an idea about reader who's in an established relationship with Joel Miller. They've settled into Jackson, and with the changes that come with that stability, she's noticed the changes in her own body and has to deal with it. I can just imagine how soft and fluffy Joel would be once he's made aware of what she's dealing with.

Or maybe I just really need a Joel of my own to cuddle and tell me I'm beautiful 🥺🥰

Thank you!!

AN | Here you go, I hope you enjoy! Also, a friendly reminder that you're lovely just the way you are 🥰

Pairing | Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings | Language, Weight Discussion

Word Count | 2k

Masterlist | Joel, Main

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

This was the first time you'd looked at yourself in a mirror in a long time. Like properly looked at yourself. You'd been in Jackson for a few months now and were experiencing a stability that you hadn't known in so long. It still felt odd some days, waking up next to Joel in a warm, soft bed without having to worry about anything. But it was slowly becoming your normal life and while it was an adjustment, you were beginning to love it. 

Happiness and peace looked good on Joel and Ellie. And you. But, and this was what had been nagging you, lingering in the back of your mind, you'd noticed some physical changes as well as everything else. You'd felt them before you'd fully looked at them - at yourself.

The bathroom boasted a large mirror but you usually didn't spend a while lot of time looking at yourself. You hadn't for years, so why start now?

Well, the simple answer was that now the changes were undeniable. 

With a heavy sigh, you closed the bathroom door and glanced at yourself. Your face was a little fuller than you'd remembered, the darkness around your eyes lessened. Your skin looked good and your hair was styled and shiny. These were the changes you liked to see. You noticed the same, more or less, on Joel and Ellie too. 

It was the rest you were worried about. You shucked off your sweater and pajamas pants and slowly allowed yourself to look over your body. You didn’t fixate on your body too much; for a long time survival and getting through your day to day was all that was on your mind. But now it felt like you had all the time in the world. 

As you looked yourself over, you could see that there had been some physical changes. You looked softer, your tummy and hips fuller than you’d remembered since you were young, your thighs bigger as well. You sighed to yourself and turned on the showers before you could think too much about it. It wasn’t a big deal, you reminded yourself, it wasn’t a big deal. 

You heard a knock on the door before it was slowly pushed open and Joel poked his head, “hey sweetheart, got room for one more?”

You panicked for a moment, trying to figure out how you could manage to get out of this one, “umm, I’m almost done actually. I’ll be out in a second and then its all yours.”

“Alright,” he lingered for a moment; you knew that he knew that something was up. Joel wasn’t stupid and he was very perceptive, “sounds good. Everything alright?”

“Of course,” you almost choked on the lie, “everything’s fine.”

Joel made a small sound before gently closing the door. You tried to swallow back your tears but soon enough they were running down your cheeks and mixing in with the stream from the shower.

It was just another change and it would be okay. You’d get there eventually…you hoped.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Hey baby,” Joel found you as you were in the kitchen, chopping vegetables for dinner, a small smile on his face. He’d noticed that you’d been acting a little off but didn’t want to push it, he knew that you’d go to him when you were ready to.

“Hi Joel,” you looked up and offered him a smile you hoped mirrored his own, “what’s up?”

“Nothing,” he insisted softly as he came over to you, “just wanted to see my girl.”

You tutted at him softly as he came to stand behind you, wrapping an arm around your middle as he leaned his chin on your shoulder. You froze for a moment, sure that he was going to make some sort of comment about how soft or squishy your body was but he said nothing, instead pressing some kisses to your shoulder. You stopped what you were doing, closing your eyes and leaning into him, “Joel.”

“I love you, you know,” he whispered before you slowly turned around in his arms so you could face him. He reached up and put his hand on your face, slowly brushing his thumb over your cheek. 

“I know,” you promised, leaning into his touch and turning your face so you could press a kiss to his palm, “I love you too.”

He watched you for a moment before leaning in to kiss you. You decided not to think too much about, not to worry about anything, and instead leaned into him and kissed him right back. It had been a bit since the two of you had a bit of time alone, and you hadn’t helped anything but pulling away from him whenever it was just the two of you. But you’d missed this and missed him, his touch, his everything. 

You relaxed into his touch, letting him kiss you dizzy. Eventually his hands wandered down to your hips and that caused you to freeze up. You put your hands on his forearms and pulled away from him, breaking the kiss. Joel, good man that he was, stopped immediately and let go of you. You shook your head, more at yourself than anything else and blinked back your tears, “sorry, I just…it’s me.”

“It’s alright,” he whispered softly, “you don’t have to apologize. If you want to talk about whatever’s been going on, I’m here. You know that, I ain’t going anywhere. I love you.”

You inhaled deeply before slowly letting it all out and nodded, “thank you.”

“Do you want a hand finishing dinner?”

“Yes,” you appreciated the kind and gentle man that he was, “I’d like that a lot.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You walked into the bedroom, finding Joel already in bed and reading. You closed the door and leaned against, looking him over for a moment. He paused after a moment and looked up at you before marking his page and setting it to the side, “penny for your thoughts?”

You nodded slowly before making your way to the bed, sitting cross-legged on top of the covers next to him. There were a few moments of silence as you sat there and picked at a few loose strands on the hem of your sweater. Joel reached out and gave your knee a gentle squeeze. You reached for his hand and weaved your fingers through his, “I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Baby,” a small huff of laughter escaped him but his voice was low and gentle, “I don’t know what you could have done or do that would ever make me hate you. That’s impossible.”

“It’s just…I don’t know,” you shrugged, reassured a little bit that he wouldn’t hate you anyway, “I really like it here in Jackson. I’ve liked it since we’ve been here. But I think I’ve gotten too comfortable.”

“Too comfortable?” he repeated slowly, “ain’t that a good thing?”

“It’s….my body,” you admitted reluctantly, “I look different…I’ve gained weight. I don’t look like I used.”

“Okay,” he brought your hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to your knuckles. You were a bit taken aback by his nonchalant response, “I guess I don’t understand why it’s a big deal. But I want to understand.”

“I…because I look different and I was worried that you wouldn’t want me anymore.”

“That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard,” he tugged on your hand in a small attempt to pull you closer, “there’s nothing you could do to make me love you any less. That includes your body changing - happens to everyone. I’ve grown a little softer around the middle since we’ve been there but I haven’t heard you complaining. We’ve all grown comfortable here, but that’s a good thing, it means we’re safe and home and we’re living. Not just alive, but living.”

“I…hadn’t thought about it that way,” you whispered, “I hadn’t really noticed anything different about you.

“See? It didn’t matter to you, why would it matter to me? And even if it wasn’t any of those things, it wouldn’t matter to me. I love you,” you were perched on his lap now, looking at him with soft eyes. His hands settled on your hips and he gave them a gentle squeeze, “besides, ain’t nothing wrong with a little thicker, baby.”

“Joel,” you were laughing now, but a few tears managed to run down your cheeks; but these ones weren’t of sadness. He wiped them away tenderly, “thank you.”

“Nothing to thank me for,” he insisted, “I’m just telling you how it is. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Is this why you’ve been avoiding me and only had sex in the total darkness?” admittedly it sounded silly when he said it like that. Your face warmed up as you bit your lip and shyly nodded. That look on its own was enough to make him practically melt, “oh baby.”

“It didn’t seem stupid at the time!” you burrowed your face in your hands to try and hide but he pulled your hands away from your face, “don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not, it’s affectionate,” he grinned, “you also don’t think I noticed anything. I might be dumb at times, but I ain’t stupid.”

“But you didn’t…say anything,” you cocked your head to the side as he raised an eyebrow.

“Again…why would I have?”

“You’re the best,” you leaned forward and wrapped your arms around his neck and leaned in to hug him, clinging onto him like a koala, “I love you so much.”

“I love you,” he pressed a kiss to the side of your head, “no matter what either of us look like. You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

“No you’re just trying to flatter me,” you snorted in amusement as you pulled back to look at him, “don’t look at me like that with those big brown eyes, Miller. That’s cheating!”

“It’s not flattery, it’s the truth,” he said, “and I’ll look at you any which way I want. Okay?”

“Okay,” you teased, “whatever you say.”

“That’s right,” he nodded in agreement, “now take off this sweater and leave the light on…only if you want to though.”

“Now that I can do,” you grinned, “gladly.”

#joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x fem!reader #joel miller imagine #joel miller one shot #tlou #pedro pascal

[softpascalito]

Traditions - Pedro Pascal Characters Headcanons

Summary: Which tradition do the Pedro boys enjoy? I have thoughts.

Relationships: Joel Miller x Reader, Javier Peña x F!Reader, Dieter Bravo x Reader, Din Djarin x Reader Tags/Warnings: Explicit Language, Non-Descriptive Smut, Headcanons

notes: excited to post the first of a few hcs to come this month! i hope you enjoy <3

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

Joel Miller

Joel may not show it but he actually likes Christmas traditions. It can't be anything too big or fancy but there's a few small things he remembers about Christmas in his own childhood that he continues with Sarah and later with Ellie.

After the outbreak, he doesn't celebrate. Not just Christmas, he doesn't celebrate anything for years. By the time his first Christmas with Ellie rolls around, he is already badly injured. He doesn't even realize it's Christmas Eve.

The next year, with both of them living safely in Jackson, he makes up for it best he can, agreeing to join a Christmas dinner hosted by Tommy and Maria.

You've met before but this is one of the first occasions where you begin talking. It's only months later that you realize you may not have been seated next to each other by accident.

Tommy and Joel contribute to the night with a tradition from their childhood. After dinner, they bring out Luminarias, handmade Christmas lanterns that they've evidently prepared in secret. The other lights are dimmed and the entire house is bathed in soft, orange light.

He ends up on an armchair by the window with you perched on the armrest and you both sip your drinks in the dim light while the other guests slowly file out. Joel swears that it cements the lights as his favorite tradition.

Javier Peña

Christmas, for Javi, usually means a trip back home to meet the family. Born and raised in Texas, it's one of the most important parts of Christmas: Everyone being together, despite their differences.

Colombia and the cartel case are a welcome excuse to not take part in the family gatherings. Every time he does visit Laredo, which only totals to three times during his time in Bogotá, he can't stand the way people look at him.

When he goes back after Cali, he doesn't even make it through half of the gathering. There have been too many drinks emptied and too many questions asked and he is back in his truck before anyone can notice he's disappeared.

Four years later marks the first time he does show up for Christmas again, with you by his side and proudly showing off the noticeable bump under your sundress.

You think he's joking when he whispers to you that night, explaining that his new favorite Christmas tradition is keeping you stuffed and spending all of Christmas Eve next to the tree, hands caressing your stomach to feel for movement from his baby

He isn’t joking. Three years in a row, the timing aligns perfectly and like clockwork, a baby is born every spring. It's definitely not the worst tradition you can think of.

After a satisfying number of babies however, the tradition shifts back to its origin: Gatherings with the whole family. And you have quite the family to show off with three little ones and Javi by your side.

Dieter Bravo

Dieter loves having you over for Christmas at his house in the Hollywood Hills. It starts innocently enough, with Covid ruining plans for any other possible get-together.

He orders enough food to last for days, rolls a generous joint for you to share and puts on a Hallmark Christmas movie for giggles.

It ends up getting you both in the feels, despite ticking off every possible cliché. By the time the credits roll around, Dieter's body is pressed against yours, both of you sinking back into the fluffy couch pillows.

The next three days are an intangible mess made up of cheese, weed and sex. In no particular order.

For once, no agent calling disturbs the bubble the two of you have created for yourselves and when New Year's rolls around, you both vow to repeat the same kind of Christmas next year.

Din Djarin

Din doesn't really know or celebrate Christmas until you and Grogu come along. When you start decorating and making a few purchases, he grumbles slightly but lets you go through with it.

To your (and his) surprise, he doesn't hate the decorating. It's a nice change of pace to just sit for a while, make chains of popcorn and dried fruits and watch the child play with a few of the Christmas decorations while you consider the best spot for the tree.

Din does help with all that you can't reach and with securing everything so that your whole work won't be ruined the second the ship takes off.

It's dark outside when you are finally done, Grogu napping below the tree after wearing himself out. Din lifts you onto his shoulders almost effortlessly, allowing you to place the golden star on top of the tree while he watches.

You light the tree together afterwards, the twinkling lights reflecting in his beskar armor, multiplying the light by what seems to be a million and it makes your knees weak.

Every following year, a beautiful tree decorates your living quarters. You both pretend it's something you only do for Grogu. You both know it's not.

#softpascalitosadventcalendar #pedropascaladventcalender #joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller / reader #din djarin #din djarin / you #din djarin / reader #headcanons #hcs #pedro pascal #javier peña #javier peña / you #javier peña / reader #dieter bravo #dieterbravo / reader #dieter bravo / you #softpascalito #tlou #the bubble #the mandalorian #narcos

[elliespuns]

One of the most powerful and impactful scenes in the game is when Ellie and Joel are almost at the end of their journey and the raging waters take down the wreckage of a bus, with Joel falling inside and Ellie trying her absolute best to save him.

Joel is on the verge of drowning in that tiny space of the bus that's going down, but all he can think about is the girl and the danger she's in right now just because she's trying to help him.

I will always applaud the bravery of this girl. She's just impossible. She knows she can't swim, yet she doesn't hesitate and jumps back down on the bus (even though she was already in safety) so she can get to Joel and help him up, risking her own life for a man that has just recently stopped being a pain in her ass. So loyal, so kind, and so brave. Her dedication to Joel, the only person who has ever cared for her (except for Riley and her mom), and all the pure love that's in her heart. Ellie is such a lovable human being.

And whenever I get to the scene of her floating underwater, lifeless… I can't help but imagine what it would be like if Ellie hadn't made it (be it after the accident or if Joel hadn't saved her from the hospital). It'd be so devastating and soul-crushing because Joel's last memory of her would literally be Ellie trying to save him with his last words "Give me your hand!" as he was trying to do the same for her, knowing the bus was going to bring her down too.

At the beginning, he would be mean to her, and she'd be just an annoying kid to him. But by the end, after all the time they've spent together, all the danger they've been through, and all the sadness and laughter they shared, neither of them hesitated to risk their lives for each other.

#the last of us #tlou #ellie williams #ellie tlou #joel miller #joel tlou #ellie and joel #joellie #tlou game #the last of us game #the last of us part 1 #tlou part 1 #the last of us talk #elliespuns analyses

[atinylittlepain]

Of Saints and Sinners - Chapter 2

Joel Miller x f!reader/f!oc

read chapter 1 here

warnings | 18+ angst, canon-typical violence

a/n | A shorter chapter. Still very much in the exposition but we learn a little more about our girl!

“I’m like Ellie.”

Those are the words that keep replaying in Joel’s mind. Her words. That, and the image of her mottled back, the grave scars and the swirling black ink on top of them. They've made it back to town, only after promising she'd talk to him later that night, so long as he kept her secret. He had asked her who else knew and she had told him only Tommy and Maria and the men you came to Jackson with. Suddenly she wasn't so cold, practically begging him not to tell anyone. If he didn’t know better, he’d think she had been on the verge of tears.

He’s supposed to go to her house tonight, to get some more answers. He feels like his head is spinning because suddenly, there’s another person like Ellie. Someone else immune. He understands why she wants this kept secret. It’s the same reason he feels the pull to protect Ellie. She's valuable, and that makes her dangerous. 

He gets to her house late, already dark out. The curtains are shut but faint light seeps out along the edges. She lives with Alex and Steve, and it’s one of the two who answer the door when he knocks, although Joel can’t be sure which.

“Miller, what can I help you with?” The young man crosses his arms over his chest, making himself a little bigger, a little grimmer. He’s the one that can sometimes coax you down to the bar in town, Joel’s seen him even pull a smile out of you. 

“He’s here to talk with me, Steve, it’s alright.” She comes up behind her companion, squeezing his shoulder. The two of them share a look before Steve steps back, sulking back into the house.

“I didn’t realize he was your bodyguard.” She snorts at that, shrugging her shoulder to invite him in. “He means well.”

“Where’s the other one?” She tells him that Alex is on patrol tonight, letting him follow her down the hall to what he assumes is her room. She closes the door behind him. It’s sparse, a mattress on the floor, an old wicker rocking chair, and a few stacks of clothes. What draws his attention are the stacks of books next to her bed. She must have been picking those up for ages to have so many collected. 

She sits at the end of your bed and motions for him to sit in the chair. “Well, I told you I’d give you answers. So start asking questions.”

“Where’d you get all that ink?”

“That’s what you’re worried about?” Joel huffs. He’s not really sure where to start, that’s just the first thing that came out.

She pinches the bridge of her nose, eyes squeezed shut. “Alex, he was an artist before – well, before. When I met him he had a gun made out of an old sewing machine motor, making his own ink out of ash and witch hazel. I’d let him practice on me. Figured anything would be better than what was already there.”

Quiet descends again. Joel wracks his brain, trying to find some thread of sanity, what to ask her next.

“That doesn’t sound real safe,” she fully laughs at that, pressing her palms into her thighs to stand up. “Look, if you just came to ask me questions about my tattoos, this conversation can be over right now and I can be out of here by tomorrow morning and no one has to know anything.”

“Listen, I’m trying to figure this all out too. I’m still having a hard time believing what I saw, what you told me. But I don’t see why you’re getting ready to fly the fucking coop. You got a good thing going here.”

Joel’s up on his feet and suddenly they're both in each other’s faces.

“Yeah, I do have a good thing going here, and I think you know better than most what a secret like mine can do to a good thing. I’m not gonna be turned into another person’s lab rat, do you understand?” Joel swallows, “another?”

“What?”

“You said you weren’t gonna be turned into another person’s lab rat. Is that what all those bites are from?” Joel doesn’t need an answer, he’s already got it in the way she shrinks back, gaze skittering to the ground. Something in him twinges at that.

“Does Ellie know about you?” She looks up at him again, shaking her head.

“I told you already. Only Alex, Steve, Tommy, and Maria know. And now, unfortunately, you.” She crosses her arms over her chest, letting out a long exhale.

“I wouldn’t tell anyone, you know. I wouldn’t do that to you.” Joel tries to sound genuine, but feels like he ends up coming off like a dope. “For some reason I’m inclined to believe you.” She sits back down on the edge of her bed, Joel leans back against the wall.

“Is that why you go out on those raids?” She looks up at him, questioning. “You’re immune. Feel like you can go out and play hero or somethin’?” She prickles at that, hardening her eyes into a glare.

“Hardly. I just need to get away from all this. It’s good. But it’s not real. Out there? That’s what’s real.” She's looking down at her hands, mumbling out the last of it. It’s quiet for a moment. Joel can understand that. That feeling like everything’s gonna fall out from under you eventually, because it always has, and you have to be ready for that inevitable plummet.

He studies her for a moment. The slope of her nose, her eyelashes falling over the tops of her cheeks. He thinks to himself that she would’ve been pretty, back before. Now, she's something else entirely, something that makes his breath kick in a way he’d be hard pressed to admit.

“You got any other questions?”

“Is Steve your – your man?” That one draws a laugh out of her that makes Joel reel. “You really ask the dumbest shit, you know that?” He hardly hears what she says, too focused on the waft of a smile across her face.

“I don’t have a man, Joel Miller. Just really important friends.” With that, she stands up, tilting her head as if to say are we done here? “So you’re gonna keep my secret?”

He nods, “you don’t have to worry about it, I will.”

She lets out another long sigh, opening her door and walking him back to her porch. As Joel’s walking out, he turns on his heel, “can I ask you one more thing?” She looks at him, expectantly.

“Why does everyone around here call you the saint?” 

“You’re out of questions. Good night, Joel.”

#joel miller angst #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #joel miller fanfiction #tlou #tlou fanfiction #the last of us #fanfic

[unpublishedwriter]

If we make it through December

Fandom: The Last Of Us

Characters: Joel Miller, Ellie Williams, Gn reader insert

Warnings: This is NOT a ship fic. Father/Daughter relationship, Father/Child relationship, mentions of abuse, mentions of blood, not very graphic description of injuries, hurt/comfort, found family, usage of they/them pronounce for reader.

Summery: After escaping David and his people Joel, Ellie and y/n make their escape through the forest. Once they find a place to stop for the night the three must come to terms with what they've been through and what they've become.

A/N: So this is my first time posting a fic online (wattpad who? sorry don't know what ur talking ab I definitely didn't have a wattpad when i was 11) so like bare with me please haha. Any and all constructive criticism is welcome:) Y/n and Ellie aren't actually related (unless u want them to be ofc) but they see each other as siblings. Reader is older then Ellie but still a teen (in my mind they are 17 but u can choose whatever age u want). Can be read as both game tlou fic and show tlou fic cuz I love both and didn't put any specific descriptions for Joel or Ellie. Also English isn't my first language, I triple checked the spelling but if you find any mistakes then sorry! This fic is dedicated to everyone that looked at Joel Miller and said "damn, i wish he was my dad"

They didn’t know how long they’ve been running for. Joel kept a firm grip on both kids, completely ignoring the ache from his right side where his wound was stitched up.

The pain didn’t matter. What mattered were the two kids he kept an iron grip on. The two kids that had been taking care of him, two kids who had to fight to survive while he was unconscious. Two kids that had to kill while he was in that basement. Two kids that he failed. 

His kids. 

He couldn’t think about that now, couldn’t let himself drown in guilt. 

No, he had to keep pushing forward, he had to put as much distance between them and that awful village. 

He had to get his kids to safety. 

Then he’s going to check if–   

No, he’s going to check where and how they’ve been hurt, because as much as he wished for it, there was no way they got out of this without any injuries. 

He had already noticed the blood running from Ellie's nose and the giant bruise on y/n’s cheek. 

The two teens were covered in blood, head to toe, and Joel prayed that most of that blood wasn’t their own. 

Time didn’t feel real as they kept pushing forward, going wherever their eyes could see. The kids held on tightly to Joel, almost as if to make sure that he wouldn’t disappear, to make sure he was really there. 

The wind started picking up and it looked like a snow storm was coming. 

While the storm would cover up their tracks, Joel’s stomach sank as he looked around and saw nothing but trees. Joel didn’t know what to do, he only knew that they wouldn’t survive outside. 

He kept walking forward, against the wind, as the two kids gripped him harder, practically wrapping him into their arms from both sides. 

They were all exhausted, on the verge of collapsing, and the wind was getting stronger. 

It can’t end like this. He can’t fail them again. He can’t lose them. Not again. 

Maybe luck was finally on their side, or maybe the god that Joel had long since stopped believing in had heard his prayers, but as they walked out of the woods Joel saw the outskirts of a small town. 

The ice cold wind was blasting in their faces, but they were together and they were almost there. They’ll be ok. They’ll have to be. 

The closest building to them was some sort of store, probably a drug store by the looks of how small it was. It's doors and windows were intact so it was their best option at that moment. 

The three made their way in and reluctantly pulled apart to check if there were any infected, or people. They were relieved to find out that the place was empty. 

Joel pulled one of the shelves to the door, barricading it. The windows were sealed and boarded up so no one could see inside but some light still filtered through the cracks. The light was grey and cold, the outside now completely overtaken by the snow storm. 

No one’s gonna find us here.

Joel walked away from the window and turned around to look at the two teens. Ellie and y/n were once again checking every corner of the store, making sure there was nothing bad in there with them. 

“Hey” Joel spoke softly and both teens stopped what they were doing. They looked at him, their eyes still frantic. “We’re ok here, we’re safe.” Joel assured them but it didn’t seem to ease them. They were shaken, bloodied and bruised and it was all his fault.

No, there’s no time for that now. They need me. 

Joel walked over to the side of the store that seemed to be the most clean of any rubble, then he put down his backpack and his gun. He looked back at the two kids who were still standing in the same places, staring at him. He nodded his head to the side, calling them over. Y/n closed the door to the storage room as Ellie walked over and put down her bag.

She didn’t remember when she got it back, nor when she had put it on. It didn’t matter much. Even if she’d lost it, it wouldn’t have mattered. 

Y/n also walked over putting down their own bag, then their gun and their bat. But as they looked at the bat, or rather the half dried blood on it, they decided to put it a little further away from them. 

They didn’t want to look at it, didn’t want the reminder of the things they’ve been through, the things they’ve done. They knew that they did what had to be done, had to protect themselves and their sister, but their stomach still turned as they remembered the screams of those man.

They quickly forced themselves out of it. This isn’t the time for it. They needed to make sure that the others were ok, they can deal with it later. 

“How’s your wound?” They asked nodding towards Joel. Y/n looked at his shirt, noting that there was no blood on the side of his injury, which probably meant that his stitches were still intact. 

“It’s alright, I’m alright.” He reassured them. They nodded softly and before he could ask them whatever it is he wanted to ask them, they had turned to Ellie, looking her up and down, holding her upper arms gently. 

“What about you? Did they get you anywhere? How’s your nose?” They looked at Ellie’s face, searching it for an answer but Ellie just looked back at them blankly before shaking her head and looking down. 

Y/n wasn’t sure they believed her, but they didn’t want to push. They didn’t find any wounds on her so they decided that the best first thing to do was to get Ellie cleaned up. 

Joel rolled out his sleeping bag on the floor next to a wall so y/n gently sat Ellie down on it before walking over to their pack. They pulled out an old shirt and without thinking about it ripped off a big chunk. Then they took out their water bottle and poured some of the water on the cloth, ignoring how the water made the open gashes under their, now soaked, bandages burn. 

Ellie was sitting there, completely zoned out and Joel was trying to figure out how to warm this place up. Even though they were inside, the walls and the floors were made of concrete, and the heating wasn’t working for obvious reasons. It was cold but he couldn’t start a fire since the windows were sealed shut. 

Y/n gently tilted Ellie’s head towards them, only holding her by the chin. Ellie was still spaced out, shaking both from the cold and the stress still running through her body. Y/n knew what she was thinking about, trying to process the horrors of the past few days. 

She must’ve been so scared, alone in that horrible cage. Y/n didn’t know exactly what happened to Ellie, they were stuck in a different room in their own cage, but through their own experience they knew that this is something Ellie will be haunted by for a very long time. 

Y/n gently started wiping away the blood on Ellie’s face. Her nose stopped bleeding a while ago, which y/n took as good news. 

Joel, seeing how much Ellie was shaking and not knowing what else to do, took Ellie’s sleeping bag from her backpack and unzipped it all the way. He walked over to where y/n was now carefully wiping the blood from Ellie’s hands, and wrapped the sleeping bag around Ellie hoping that it would warm her up. Then he walked over to where y/n had left the other part of their, now ripped, shirt and picked it up. 

Snow had flown in when they got inside and was now sitting in a pile next to the entrance. Joel wrapped as much snow as he could into the cloth and walked back over to y/n who was still trying to get blood off of Ellie. He gently took the wet cloth from y/n’s hands to which they protested and tried to get the cloth back but he stopped them. “It’s ok, I got her.” He spoke softly. “Here, put this on your cheek.” He held out the improvised cold pack to them. 

Y/n looked between the pack and Joel, who nodded softly for them to take it. So they did, and then put it on their cheek. They didn’t notice how badly it was hurting until now. “Thanks.” They said to Joel who just nodded and turned back to Ellie, wiping the remaining blood off of her. 

Y/n sat there for a second, not really sure of what to do. 

These past few weeks as Joel was recovering y/n was constantly busy. They were the one to check on his wound, they were the one going out to hunt and look through the empty houses for anything of use, they were the one to take the watch at night so that Ellie could sleep. 

Y/n needed something to do, something to distract them from all these thoughts and feelings in them. They walked over to where their backpack was and sat down next to it. With their free hand they ruffled through their belongings until they found their first aid kit. It was mostly empty now, after all the time of tending to Joel’s wound, but it still had a roll of gauze. They put down their ‘cold pack’ and started to undo the bandages that were currently on their hands. 

They were soaked in blood, both their own and the blood of the hunters. Their hands had chapped from the cold, so much so that gashes split open in their skin, causing their hands to bleed. They didn’t have anything to treat their hands with so their best option was to wrap them up, at least to prevent infection. 

Taking the gauze off proved itself to be an issue. Their hands were shaking more than usually and it was very painful to peel the gauze from the skin. They struggled a lot but finally freed their left hand. 

Wrapping the hand, as it turns out, was going to be even more of a challenge. Last time they did it their hands were not in that bad of a condition. But after all that time in the cold and all the fighting they found their hands in terrible shape. They had to handle it. They had to. 

They had to fix their hands, and go back to taking care of the little family they now had. They needed to protect them no matter the cost. They weren’t going to let their hands stop them from doing so. 

They had to keep them safe, they had to- “Let me see that.” Y/n looked up to see Joel now kneeling down in front of them. They looked behind him to see Ellie who was now clean of blood, except for her clothes but it was still an improvement, wrapped in the sleeping bag and looking through the crack in the bordered up window. 

They then looked back at Joel whose hand was reaching for their now bandage-less hand. Not touching them, just giving them the option. 

They held out their left arm which Joel gently took, avoiding all the open wounds. He looked it over, then reached over to the now almost melted ‘cold pack’ next to y/n, got the remaining snow out of it, and gently started to wipe away the blood on their hand. Then he took the new gauze and started wrapping it around y/n’s fingers, asking them if it was too tight or if it hurt every once in a while. 

Once he was done with that hand, he repeated the process on their right hand, just as gently and carefully. Once he was done, Joel helped y/n put everything back into their pack and then helped them get up. “We’ll find you something to help with that later, ok?” 

Y/n nodded and picked up their own sleeping bag and walked over to where Ellie was starting to drift off. Joel sat down next to Ellie after pulling out the gun out of his holster. He stayed close to her but gave her space. Ellie however moved closer to him, leaning on his side for warmth and comfort. Y/n mirrored her, they sat down on the opposite side of Joel, unwrapped and fully unzipped their sleeping bag, and then carefully placed it on top of their and Joel’s legs. 

Finally, a heavy silence took over them. None of them could talk, all three were lost in their own thoughts, trying to process all that had just occurred. 

As it got darker outside, Ellie lied down on the ground, putting her head on Joel's thigh. She looked like a child. Of course Ellie was only 14 and still was a kid but right there and then she looked even younger, curled up at Joel’s side, sleep finally taking over her. Joel put his hand on her arm. 

“You should get some sleep.” Y/n whispered to him. “I can take first watch.”

“No it’s alright, you should sleep tonight.” He said in a lowered voice as to not wake Ellie. 

He saw that y/n was about to disagree but he shook his head. “I’ve slept enough already, and knowing you, you probably got no sleep at all.” Y/n got quiet and turned their head to look forward instead of at him. 

They looked exhausted, their skin was sickly pale and the bags under their eyes were almost as dark as that horrible bruise on their cheek. They were a stark contrast to the bright and funny teenager he got to know these past four months. The teenager that always had a look of wonder on their face, finding beauty even in the broken world around them. 

Sometimes when something reminded them of their past they’d get lost in thought, their eyes only focusing on the ground under them, but they’d always comeback to reality quickly, if not for themselves then surely for Ellie who’d talk her heart out until y/n said something back. 

The same Ellie at his side that hasn’t said a word in hours. It was uncomfortable to not hear Ellie's voice for so long. No questions, no puns, no sarcastic comments. 

And while now Ellie was asleep, Joel knew that she wouldn’t be back to her normal self tomorrow. 

His heart clenched as he realized that there’s a possibility she’d never go back to her normal self. Neither of them might. What if his two children will never be the same again? No more stupid jokes, no more silly arguments, no more talks about the stars, no more questions about the past and the future, no more wonder.

No more Ellie and y/n. 

How could he have let this happen? Doubt and guilt started clawing at his mind again. His weaknesses led to this. Because of him these two wonderful kids have been stripped of their identities. It was all his fault. 

He failed again and again and aga-

His thoughts stopped in their tracks as he felt y/n lean their head on his shoulder. Y/n wanted to stay up, they wanted to protect the two people they loved the most, but their body was betraying them. 

After weeks of barely any sleep, after all the fighting and running, they were shutting down. 

They needed to let go, they needed to sleep for at least a little bit, but they were so afraid that while they slept something terrible would happen and they’d wake up all alone, without a trace of either Joel or Ellie. 

Their eyes were drooping as they fought to stay awake. They tilted their head a bit upwards as they whispered

“Joel?” 

He hummed, letting them know that they had his full attention.

“I’m so tired.” They whispered. 

It was a confession. It was more than just about their body. They were tired on so many levels.

They were tired of being an adult when they should have been a kid, they were tired of being scared, they were tired of being unloved. 

They confessed that to him, quietly, not expecting him to understand it on any other level other than that of a physical tiredness. 

But Joel understood. Of course he did. They were his child. 

And it didn’t matter that he didn’t see them grow up, it didn’t matter that he wasn’t there when they spoke their first words or took their first steps. 

It didn’t matter that they weren’t tied by blood.

All that mattered was that they were there by his side, and he was going to take care of them. 

He was going to take care of both of them, both Ellie and y/n, because now he had two children. 

It didn’t matter that he failed, it didn’t matter that he wasn’t as strong as he thought he had to be to protect them. They were his kids and there was nothing he could do about that now. 

All his doubt and all his guilt was nothing compared to how much he cared about the two kids that were now clinging to him. 

He let go of the gun he was holding, leaving it in his lap, then he wrapped his now free hand around y/n’s shoulder, and y/n hid their face in his neck as they felt tears welling in their eyes.

“It’s ok, you’re ok now. I’m here, you can sleep. You don’t have to worry anymore. I’m right here. I’ll take care of you, I promise.” He reassured them quietly. 

That was all it took for y/n to start sobbing. He held them tightly as they let it all out. 

Joel had only seen them cry two times. 

First time after Henry and Sam, when they held on tightly to a shaking Ellie, covering up the young girls eyes when Henry pointed the gun at himself. 

The second time was back in Jackson, in that little room on the second floor. 

He regretted what he said, he regretted how he made those kids feel. 

Quiet tears slipped down both of their faces when he told them that they were not his children and he was not their dad. He was lying to them as much as he was lying to himself. 

But the way they were crying right now… he’d never seen them cry like this. 

They were trying to be as silent as possible, both for his and Ellie’s sake. Their body shook as they took in rigid breaths. 

Joel felt their tears on his neck, and it broke his heart. 

That was the moment that he vowed to himself that he would do everything in his power to make sure that neither of his kids had anything more to cry about like that. 

He knew that they’ve been through a lot. He knew that the two charming kids that had not only broken down his walls, but also crawled into his very heart and made themselves at home there, had lived through things that no human, let alone a child, should ever live though. 

He knew that they’ve lost people, he knew that they’ve been neglected and abused, left to fend for themselves for years. 

And as sad as it made him he knew that there was nothing he could do to change that. 

But as y/n finally fell asleep, their tears still wet on their cheeks and on his neck, and as he held the two sleeping kids in his arms he once again made a vow to himself. 

A vow to give these kids a childhood, a family, a home. 

He knew that they still had a long road ahead of them, their journey wasn’t done yet. 

But they’ll get through it. 

They’ll finish this whole vaccine business and go back to Tommy's. He’ll teach them everything he knows, he’ll take care of them. 

They showed him that, what he thought had died all those 20 years ago with Sarah, was still there within him. So he’ll do the same for them, he’ll show them that they can still be kids. 

He’ll show them what it’s like to have a family and he’ll watch them grow up. 

Yes, the road ahead was long and hard, and he knew that this wasn’t their last challenge. 

But it didn’t matter because they were all together. 

They had each other and if that wasn’t worth fighting for then he didn’t know what was. 

#tlou #the last of us #joel miller #joel tlou #ellie williams #ellie tlou #fanfic #fanfiction #tlou fic #tlou fanfiction #joel and ellie #joel and reader #found family #hurt/comfort #tlou spoilers #ellie and reader #reader insert #gn reader #gender neutral reader

[dykeomania]

some things about this college hockey blahblahblab!au that i just personally like because it's actually super nice to write it idk i love this little world i've created i've deadass been thinking about this in flickers since like, last year. don't come for me my perception of college is skewed i go to a liberal arts college anyways

cat is a visual arts major, and is the first person that ellie hooked up with once she got into college. she's an only child and lowkey she would've went to art school or just not go to school at all and start tattooing or something, but college was honestly cheaper than art school and her parents are chill about a lot of things but her dad is some finance dude that actually allows her mom to be an artist so if she didn't go to college she was Lowkey going to get kicked out of the house (that's a dramatization but she literally wouldn't hear the end of it). Anyways. they went to the same prep school and played on the same hockey team, but didn't start to get close until around freshman year of college. this is around the time where cat had started to settle into her own skin a little more and ellie was kind of refinding her footing due to. Events.

ellie broke up with riley at the end of her senior(~) year, because Events and she had a moment and cut her hair to shoulder length because someone on tiktok told her to. it happened over a phone call. riley sounded civil, but ellie could tell things changed from the moment that they were flying back home from vancouver (for a hockey tournament) and riley didn't sit next to her, or even look at her. they're cool, ellie guesses. riley also plays on the same team as ellie. (riley is an anthro/philosophy or gov/philosophy double major (but she probably takes a lot of psych classes) (that's awkward so does ellie) and she makes fun of ellie for saying she's from boston. riley is actually from boston. ellie is a j-o-b (just outside of boston).

ellie's entire friend group from prep school made a pact to commit to the same college and it's extremely messy and extremely rewarding

ellie's technically adopted. she, joel, tommy, and maria all live together in the same house. everyone works. it's consistent, and hectic, and fights over money and petty shit are pretty frequent. ellie had to fight for it, but they've invested a lot of time and money into ellie's athletic passions. joel is begrudged and honestly is a shitty father figure to ellie. their relationship is like only able to be somewhat tied together through hockey. and the rest i can't tell you

ellie deadass needs to go to therapy. and it Shows.

she also has issues with intimacy. and it Shows.

she's also aaaaa.... im not sure what her major is, honestly. she might like humanities + stem double major. i wanna say she majors / minors in physics and astronomy because she thinks its cool but at the same time she probably like doesn't really fuck with the math at all (and it's not like she can't do it, she's one of those assholes that just writes shit down and somehow is able to reason her way to the right answer, but like shes usually hungover / sleep deprived but she's disciplined so she just half-asses shit instead of not doing it at all). but i feel like she definitely takes a lot of anthro or history courses and maybe that could be, like. her minor. double major. something. Or Honestly, Honestly. Honestly. maybe psych. she does take a lot of psych classes regardless though but then probably stops showing up for them when they hit too close to home Lol

ellie lowkey started her beef with abby because she was just one of those people who she just decided she hated (for a variety of reasons and all of the reasons were projections of her own personal problems. abby's life is ssoooo perfect cause her dads a dooooctor and her moms a zoooologist and they live in a gaaateeddd commuuuniityyyyy and she has expensive skaaaatteeessss and the best stiiiiiickkk and gets eveything she waaaants and ellie can't talk to her dad anymore and her mom is dead and she grew up where theres like heroin needles scattered on the ground and wore the same pair of shoes throughout her entire high school career because she didn't feel comfortable asking for anything else).....

it just solidified it when abby did one petty thing some day on like a wednesday or made some snide comment during a practice, so then ellie's friend group started talking shit about abby's friend group, and so abby's friend group started talking shit about ellie's friend group. their respective like groups of people kinda sorta let it go after a while .... but the two in the center are Still standing. ellie Fucking Hates abby. and Abby fucking Hates Ellie. for deadass no reason

anyways i'll tell you about abby another time im still figuring out what to do w her but there's. gesticulates w my apple pencil. History. there. (not Fucking history but.)

and you're there too, i guess (we'll get to you later)

and the rest i'll withhold because it's probably not much but. shrugs. just some basic things that are playing into this story that i like. my Silly Little World. my Silly Little Messy Hockey Women.

#nods #it's a lot of fun to write because i really like bringing to life different characters in different contexts that is like #that is my favorite thing to do in this hobby #it's really fun to imagine them in like my world you know what i mean #and then you get to play with the dynamics and stuff and make things spicier make them all make sense #its fun when you're planning it out #it is hell to properly execute #mia what are you talking about

[brazenautomaton]

Spoilers of the Last of Us the show. It's especially true that Joel is right now that they've made Ellie no longer an anomaly but a child who's immunity can be recreated simply since, in the show, they know exactly how to create an Ellie and lose just 1 Firefly but are they willing to sacrifoce one of their own? "Ellie, you may die, but that is a sacrifice that I am willing to make."

I mean it's not gonna be a matter of just losing one Firefly, the timing has to be really specific on when you cut that cord, and while Marlene undoubtedly guessed that Ellie's mom lied about cutting the cord before she was bit, she doesn't know what the exact time elapsed between bite and cut was. you would lose a LOT of Fireflies trying to get the exact perfect timing on that and then you have to wait like 10-15 years for when the immune baby grows up enough to be harvestable, also, you'd have a bunch who weren't immune because you did the cut too early and you'd have to get them bit beforehand too and this would require controlled populations of infected at two separate times and nobody can handle that, they always bust loose and kill everyone

I think the "fuck the fireflies" view is still validated though, the one about them being too incompetent to trust with Ellie, because you always had the feeling in the back of your mind that maybe it isn't fair you're ripping on this because it's just a writing error, lack of research, the writer didn't realize how many other options there were and this forced choice wasn't a choice

but it's ten years later and people have been saying "the Fireflies are fucking incompetent for trying to kill her right away" that entire time, they've changed other details, they've fixed up a couple things, but the behavior of the Fireflies is still exactly the same. If it was a mistake to make it seem like they were killing her when there were a bunch of tests still to do, then the series would have addressed them. Marlene would have said "I took some blood from Ellie -- fucking of course I did, why wouldn't I, we had a bunch of it just in case -- and I got here before you and they ran some tests, we know how it works and we know the cordyceps in her brain is sending out a signal that she's already infected and we know we can't synthesize it from her blood and only the actual fungus structure will do." and maybe there's the fridge logic of "hey how did you keep that blood sample cold enough this whole way" but that's not nearly as big a deal. it would justify why they are ready to kill her immediately because it gave them a bunch of offscreen time to do the work to establish that was the only way.

but they didn't do that. Marlene specifically says their doctor thinks that what's going on is the fungus in her brain is sending out this signal, and he doesn't know. they are killing Ellie on a hunch instead of doing any of the work to see if it's necessary, they're completely incompetent, and it's not a writing error it's a deliberate choice.

#the last of us

[oodlyenough]

last of us ep 2!

this ep broke away from the game a little more in terms of dialogue and scene beats so in that way it kept me more on edge. i take it this is also the introduction of 'tendrils', which seem like they'd be utterly infuriating as a game mechanic but are i think a reasonable substitute for television drama

the clicker fight was pretty intense lol. i gotta say i was hoping ellie would think to chuck a bottle/brick to save the day in the end. ah well

ellie is such a 14 year old. i'm liking how show ellie is written and most of ramsey's performance. they're a little marble mouthed sometimes imo, not sure if it's just because of doing the US accent. then i feel like a very old person lmao "enunciate!!"

but ellie being kind of thrilled by the city was cool, ellie lying about riley !, ellie getting bitten a second time in front of them was a good way to reaffirm her immunity to the characters and audience in lieu of spores, the little hotel desk easter egg, ellie and joel's banter, i enjoyed it

the internet already called it re: flour as the source of the outbreak but I DID enjoy the 2003 scenes giving us a bit of a hint how it all started. i'm not 100% sure i buy a professor immediately jumping to "bomb the city" lol, like i get it as a point of drama and maybe an ultimate decision that would be made, just felt like she got there pretty fast for someone who, presumably, has been studying ant fungus her entire life

i will say i am disappointed with how they chose to adapt show tess. she is a different character entirely to game tess, and while she's a decent character on her own i think, and anna torv acted it well, i really like game tess. i suppose perhaps the show wanted to hit harder on the tragic goodbye angle... but they softened her so much in ep 1, and then took out most of what i consider really definitive tess lines in that final scene ("we're shitty people" "you have to feel some sort of obligation to me" "i will not turn into one of those things" "make this easy for me" etc) and replaced it with stuff i simply didn't like as much. kind of a shame... but such is adapting material I guess

my other criticism: too much wobbly cam. i dunno the technical term. i know druckmann directed this ep. chill dude i get everything is tense you don't need to make me seasick.

overall though still really enjoying myself and looking foward to next week's since it'll be basically all new material and i'm very curious to see how they've written bill and frank. zombie apocalype ron swanson!

#the last of us hbo #tlou spoilers #... i guess?

[celiastjamesoscar]

There's so many awesome display case options out there. I upgraded to Moducase (now Moduspace, I think?) and the wait time sucks (though they've been getting better) because they're made to order so I waited almost a year and half to get my first order (my second order should be here soon. I think. Though I ordered this one in Nov 2022 still). But they're so nice and I've seen some really awesome Lego displays with them. So, kind of want my entire collection to be displayed in Moducase stuff.

So, best place to buy stuff would be BigBadToyStore (they got $4 shipping, and you can create a pile of loot and ship everything all together for only $4!). Dark Horse Direct is also a good site, they do a lot of exclusive stuff so even though shipping sucks that's where you'll get the limited quantity stuff or limit time pre-order stuff. Prime1 stuff (if you're willing to pay that much) ordering direct from Prime1 will get you the stuff quickest (shipping is insane though) but you can also order Prime1 from bigbadtoystore (more of a wait though) and the site gfxdistrubition is the US distributor for P1 so you might have better shipping but again wait time is insane (I have the Jin Sakai on order from them and I ordered April 2022 and it released not long after and I'm still waiting for it). Also, a plus side to ordering direct from Prime1 is payment plans! $1500 looks like a lot but when you break it down to only paying $89 a month for 12+ months it makes you feel so much better! Almost forgot! Gaming Heads. They are a website that does statues I think they still have the Ellie from TLOU2 for order (which is out now) and they're doing a Joel & Ellie from 1 (which is a pre-order and a bit of a wait) and they do some exclusive versions that are limited (like I got the hunter edition Ellie, and she comes with a blood head sculpt and an interchangeable bow or machete.

Literally the only reason I have such a cool collection is because I pretty much only work and go home. And home is still living at home (one of the good things about not being able to afford living on your own?) also payment plans. Payment plans are literally the best thing ever for expensive shit (I wish Lego did payment plans).

You are a saint!!! I just wrote down all of those names in my Notes app and I cannot wait til I get paid so I can buy some display cases! Payment plans are so underrated and it also helps me save money (in a weird way).

I looked at some of the Moduspace ones and those ones look so awesome! I really like how they are made for order. You seriously should not have told me about Moduspace because my obsession with Legos is about to reach a whole new level. Right now I’m currently looking the website and I’m kind of excited to see what they have. Thank you so much for telling me about this! I’m also going to look into the other ones as well!

I looked at an Ellie statue on Gaming Heads and it was like $600. there was also a death claw one from Fallout for like $1,500 😭

#bender chats #anon message

[biocrafthero]

Sorry guys I keep seeing your hot takes about TLoU and when I say this please understand that while I know roughly what happens in the games I'm mainly talking about the HBO show.

I have a hot take of my own and it's that y'all are vilifying Marlene way too hard. I understand what she pulled at the end of the show was a dick move (and yes I do believe that Joel's actions were understandable and even justifiable) but you guys from what I've seen just keep making Marlene out to be a monster?? I don't get it; it's clear the choice she made to kill Ellie for a cure was extremely hard on her.

I saw someone say that she didn't want to tell Ellie the truth behind the operation because "she didn't want to take her kicking and screaming" and this person said it like this decision was terrible and wrong?? I'm sorry but just. Just put yourself in Marlene's shoes for a minute, okay? Imagine that, to have a chance to beat out the infection that's killed most of humanity—a chance to save everyone—you have to kill your best friend's daughter. You have to kill the one person you swore to protect at all costs, a promise you made to your friend while they were actively dying.

And in a sense, this is almost the exact same choice Joel had to make in that moment. For him, Ellie is like his daughter, and this level of care can also be seen with Marlene towards Ellie, as well. Both of these people care about her and want to protect her! And they get faced with this impossible choice that, no matter what they choose, will leave blood on their hands.

They both made a choice, but they didn't make the same one.

Joel would burn down the world to save his daughter, while Marlene is willing to sacrifice the most important person to her to save the world. Both of these actions can be justified, and both have their obvious consequences.

Neither of these people are perfect, let alone good people, but they're trying. They're trying for the people they've lost and the people they haven't lost yet. They both have driving forces in their lives that cause them to take these extreme actions because they believe what they're doing is justified and, sometimes, right.

Marlene shouldn't be demonized the way she is by some people—she's a complex and interesting character and deserves to be treated as such instead of being characterized by fans as some big evil villain. She's human, too; all of our cast are broken people living in a broken world, and their actions reflect that. Please don't reduce such an amazingly written character into a cardboard cutout of who they're supposed to be.

#TLoU spoilers #rambles #TLoU #sorry for the ramble but like. y'all get it right #y'all understand? #sorry I don't normally post about TLoU I'm mainly autistic about Omori #but MAN some of y'all are fucking stupid when it comes to stuff like this #so I feel like it needs to be said

[ragnarssons]

Hi! I havent played the tlou game myself but i watched gameplays of it. And i think I might have skipped the part where Joel found the files and audio tapes where they mentioned about the people they killed before Ellie. (I skipped the gamplay a little because it was 11 house long 😅) I was wondering if you know where I can look for it. It's interesting that the Fireflies kept a record of it.

Have a nice day!

So you can find some here. Note that it's a remastered version, before other remastered versions. Some people argue that on the PS3 it was even different, I personally don't know about that one, because I didn't have a PS3. You can find the files on Youtube here. Important to note that yes, it's made very vague how many people and what kind of people they experimented on. Obviously animals and infected people. But let's also note that it's implied that they've worked on this for years, talking about different stages of infection, varying components to their tests and all: we can only speculate since it's never clearly stated, but they experimented a lot, and probably not just on infected people. It's purposely left vague for reasons, and again and again it shows how The Fireflies were failing. There is also this quote "All of our sacrifices and the hundreds of men and women who've bled for this cause, or worse, will not be in vain." you could interpret it as the Fireflies' sacrifices, their men and women fighting against FEDRA. But it could also totally mean totally different things since it comes from Jerry Anderson, aka, the guy who was doing experiments on people to find a cure. Again, the game never clarifies on these issues, so it's basically up to the player's interpretation on the moment. Yknow, while you're in the hospital, with people doing scientifical experimentation. https://thelastofus.fandom.com/wiki/Surgeon%27s_recorder Now ofc there is this recording and you could argue that you're supposed to see it as OH BUT ELLIE IS DIFFERENT, but they also make Jerry Anderson, aka the main surgeon who was supposed to work on Ellie, literally say he didn't even KNOW where Ellie's immunity was coming from or how it was working? ("The cause of her immunity is uncertain.") And we're supposed to believe he was capable of doing anything constructive? But it clearly shows as well how desperate they were, and how they were counting their time. It also states how they hadn't had any breakthrough in their researches in 5 years, again, explaining their desperation when coming face to face with some scientifical curiosity like Ellie. I gotta give it to them, contrary to the show for example, the recordings show that at least they did some basic tests on Ellie before drawing conclusions. But as these tests' results and Jerry's interpretation of it show ("The cause of her immunity is uncertain."), they still don't even know how Ellie's immunity works, yet they're minutes away from killing her, basically taking a shot in the dark? (to note: this recording is found by Joel in the hospital itself, it really is the result of the doctor's last researches on Ellie). But the recordings (like this one and that one) also show how there were glaring evidences of the Fireflies having dissidence within their own ranks, how many officers saw their leaders as incompetent and delusional. It's important to note that these recordings are found at the University, so equivalent of when Joel gets hurt at the end of 1x06: the guy in the recording clearly states that their best equipment is here, at the University, with the lab equipment. Not where the Fireflies fled (after several attacks by infected -- and maybe even because of their own researches, because of the monkeys they infected for their experiments??), in the hospital where you end the game. It gives context to everything that lead the Fireflies into acting as they did when they got Ellie. It's not clear cut and it never was in the first game, but they clearly had added complicated layers to this whole cunnundrum, on both sides. You weren't meant to blindly trust the Fireflies. The game purposely put elements in its own narrative to make the player question their motives and their abilities to reach their goal. It was meant to be weighed against the very real fact of having Ellie die in the process. I guess it's up to everyone's interpretation *shrugs* and it was, until Neil Druckmann popped in, erasing anything that wasn't fitting his narrative.

#answered #anonymous #tlou critical

[elliespuns]

In the prologue, how long do you think they’ve been in Jackson? A few weeks? It seems like Ellie moved straight into the «shed», why is that? Like why didn’t she live in the house with Joel? She was only 15, right?

What I always thought was that the prologue scene was happening a little while after they settled down in Jackson. Because when we take into consideration a few things, it surely didn't happen right away. 

For example, when Joel talks to Ellie, he talks about how the folks are impressed with how well she's helping out. This means they've already had to be there for a couple of days for Ellie to start joining in with other people, right?

Then there's Ellie's chemical burn. It also must have happened shortly after they arrived. She probably did it to herself in fear of the people finding out that she was bitten. It'd be hard to explain, and she just didn't want to risk putting them in danger of being exiled from the town. She already has a bandage over it; she must have gotten it taken care of in the clinic, probably. That also means they've already had to be there for a couple of days, if not weeks. 

Another thing is Joel finally talking to Tommy about what happened back at the hospital. It also seemed like they'd already been in Jackson for a while, and now he felt like it was the right time to tell his brother. This surely didn't happen overnight either.

Plus, Joel and Ellie already seem too comfortable in Jackson; they are not living there just for a couple of days. I would say weeks, if not months. We don't know what Joel's house looked like in the prologue, but judging by Ellie's house and how many things she already owned and how cozy the interior of her little shed was at the time, she had to spend some time putting it all together, right? I mean, when they came to Jackson, they had nothing. Just their backpacks.

Ellie's strange demeanor towards Joel also hints that they already had to start being estranged, which probably didn't happen overnight either. Ellie always knew he lied to her; she was trying hard to make herself believe that he was not. But it would still not stop her from acting weird around him at the time. That was also maybe one of the reasons why she ended up in the shed. She probably lived with Joel for a while before Joel, Tommy, and other folks put their heads together and made her a little house out of an old garage. Maybe it was Joel who recommended it to her when he started noticing the changes in her behavior, wanting to give her some privacy after all—which Ellie loved for sure. Knowing she would still be in his backyard, he wouldn't blink an eye to give the girl some space because she was still living under 'his roof' anyway.

As the prologue says, she is 15. The opening scene with Tommy and Joel hints that it's still spring, probably late spring by the looks of it. As already confirmed, Ellie's birthday is in the spring (her passport says so), so I'm guessing she might have already turned 15 a while before they reached Jackson. Which would make her 15 and a few months old.

To conclude this, I think they've been in Jackson for a while. I'd guess something around two months tops when we see her in the prologue talking to Joel in her 'little shed' (oh, how I love to call her house a little shed). They needed some time to settle down. Ellie has already made some friends with the people too, as previously stated. She also managed to get the chemical burn in the meantime. Joel needed some time to tell Tommy about what happened too... It all hints that this must have happened within a few months, at least.

I love her so much in this scene. She is pocket sized. Bean sized.

#the last of us #tlou #ellie williams #ellie tlou #joel miller #joel tlou #ellie and joel #the last of us game #tlou game #the last of us part 2 #tlou part 2 #elliespuns answers

[elliespuns]

what are your thoughts on game tommy? I hate that there seems to be a good amount of ppl that aren't really a fan of him :( ik it was kinda fucked that he guilt tripped ellie into going after abby again but also like people need to remember that joel was literally tommy's older brother and they've known each other for longer than anybody else (i was about to say they've known each other longer than joel and ellie have but actually most parents have known their siblings longer than their own kids and ofc their own kid still comes first, but anyways that's kinda besides the point lol). He lost his wife and his brother, became blind in one eye and also can't even walk like he used to ofc he's gonna be bitter. I also kind of thought they'd grow closer after joel's death but when he visited the farm it felt like him and ellie probably didn't see each other that often :(

It's true that he made Ellie go after Abby again, but who can blame him. As said, he was his brother, and he was present for the horrendous moment of Joel's death, just as Ellie was. Only the two of them saw what Abby really did to him, and I mean, go and try to live with that memory in mind.

I think that Joel's death hurt Tommy as much as it hurt Ellie (not gonna debate who was hurting more because we'll never know; both of them loved Joel with different kinds of love, but it was still vast for both of them) and I'm almost certain that Tommy had trouble sleeping at night too. Just imagine closing your eyes and seeing your brother's skull being bashed in while looking into his eyes.

And even though he had no right to judge Ellie for deciding to stay hidden on the farm, I still think him, guilt-tripping her isn't exactly what a lot of people think it is though. They tend to see it from the spectator's point of view, but not as much from Tommy and Ellie's point of view. Ellie and Tommy were on the same level of perception of this tragedy, so when he came and started being all pushy towards her, I think she understood his actions and his anger despite of how she felt at that moment.

And yes, she didn't want to go at first, but I think it was because of Dina and JJ. If she didn't have them, she wouldn't have thought twice about it. She just didn't want to hurt Dina with the decision because she was well aware that she almost died because of her.

I also think that Ellie was always emotionally intelligent enough to make her own decisions. Understanding Tommy's intentions of coming all the way with all those angry feelings was why she decided to go at the end. Not because he guilt-tripped her, but because he pushed the button inside her that she hid from Dina. It was always in her - wanting to finish what she started and all Tommy did was encourage it.

I'm not saying it was a good thing he did that, but I guess all I'm trying to say is that no matter what he said to Ellie, if she found out on her own where Abby is, she would've still chosen to go.

I think that both Tommy and Dina played a part in Ellie being so indecisive even though she knew well what she wanted. She loved Dina, and she wanted to make it up to her, so she promised she would let go. But at the same time, she had to suppress these feelings inside, and it was eating her alive. And Tommy, on the other hand, felt like she didn't care enough, not sticking to her promise to make Abby pay. It was a lot for Ellie. Pressure from both sides.

This game is so complex. And I love it.

#the last of us #tlou #ellie williams #ellie tlou #ellie #tommy miller #ellie and tommy #tommy tlou #joel miller #joel tlou #ellie and joel #tlou game #the last of us game #the last of us part 2 #tlou part 2 #ellie and abby #abby anderson #elliespuns answers