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seungminity · 4 years

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Cold Lips | Kim Seungmin

↠ Pairing: Kim Seungmin x Reader (Gender Neutral)

↠ Word Count: 1.8k

↠ Genre: Fluff, Suggestive, Established Relationship Au, hints of College Seungmin

↠ Warnings: Suggestive. Cursing. Mentions of shoving an ice cube down someone's throat, but like, lovingly? There’s a boner in there somewhere.

↠ A/N: i honestly don’t even know what the fonk this is. this is literally just an excuse to write making out with seungmin bc uhmmmmmm, making out with seungmin??? yeah u get it.

The clock reads 2:34 a.m. the third time you glance at it, which gets under your nerves because time seems to move too quickly considering you’re not yet even halfway done with the 6th out of 10 paragraphs you need to write for this philosophy paper. It’s still due two days from now, but you wanted to finish it by tonight (morning) because when in college, you’ve learned that putting aside an assignment will only lead to piles and piles of paperwork, which will lead to nights and nights of breakdowns and acne. Fun.

Your spine cracks when you lean back to stretch, relieving a bit of the tension, but the stingy pain doesn’t fade away when you retreat back to your original position. Your neck and back hurt, and your bum feels numb from how long you’ve been sitting down.

The words glaring back at you seem to blur together, and a wave of sleepiness washes over you. You mentally scold yourself for putting this off, but at the time, you were too busy binging another k-drama series that your boyfriend, Seungmin, pulled you into. Letting out a big yawn, you reach across the piles of notes for your mug.

It seems to be mysteriously empty, which isn’t all that mysterious considering you’ve been chugging its contents like water for the past 3 hours, but you digress.

“Min-ah, I’m out of coffee!” The e’s drag out, and despite all your huffing and puffing, your boyfriend doesn’t look up from his own laptop. He too procrastinated writing this essay and has decided to spend the night at your apartment so the two of you could work on it together.

“Minnie,” You coo, resting your head on his leg from your spot on the floor. Seungmin instinctively runs his fingers through your hair lovingly before he resumes his typing, not once looking away from his screen.

You call out to him again in hopes that he’ll get the message and walk to the kitchen to make you some more of your precious—what he calls—hot bean water, but he ignores you and continues typing. How dare he?

“I need coffee.” You huff, but he still doesn’t move from his position. You’re feeling cranky and sleepy, and this stupid paper is not magically writing itself, which is just offensive, really. Flopping down on the table, you release a drawn-out whine of coffeeeeeeeeee.

“Baby, just get up and make some,” He seems to contemplate before reaching over for his own mug and placing it in front of you. “Make me some too.”

Technically, it’s his turn to refill your mugs since you both have been alternating back and forth to the kitchen for your coffee fills, so what gives? You voice this to him as a complaint, and his answer does nothing to relieve the dull ache in your eyes. God, do you need coffee.

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

Its silent while you wait for him to elaborate. Because, because what? You slap his outstretched thigh in annoyance and he yelps out, finally looking up from his essay to frown at you.

“What was that for?” He complains.

“It’s your turn, Minnie!”

“I’ll go twice in the next rounds.” He proposes, before leaning over and pressing a kiss to your head. He resumes his typing, which is a good thing because then, he can’t see the heat that spreads across your face.

You get up with both of your mugs, giving up on arguing because you’re whipped for Kim Seungmin and will probably do anything he asks of you as long as he repays it with a forehead kiss.

“Seungmin, we’re fucked.”

The boy looks up from his laptop to see you pouting and holding the two mugs like shopping bags, both empty of his hot bean water—he learned the term from Jisung—which concludes that you either broke the coffee machine again, or you really just wanted him to be the one to fill your coffee mugs, which would make no sense because he already said he’d go twice so-

“Were out of coffee!” You announce it like it’s the most horrible thing, and it startles him a bit. Regaining composure, Seungmin assures you that you guys don’t need coffee anyway, you’ve both already consumed about 4 mugs separately.

“It’s easy for you to stay awake without coffee Minnie, you already stay up late playing with Felix, its why your eye bags have grown—hey don’t look at me like that—but I need coffee! My body isn’t used to staying up without caffeine!”

He decides to ignore your comment about his eye bags, you’ll probably force him to wear some kind of face mask anyway, and proceeds to take the mugs out of your hands before you start crankily swinging them around and breaking all of your furniture.

“Just do what you can tonight and finish up tomorrow morning, babe.” He advises, leading you back to your seat on the floor. He never really understood why you preferred doing all your work on the cold tiles rather than the couch, but you once said something about the coldness keeping you awake.

“But I need to finish this essay.” You whine.

Seungmin only smiles knowingly at you before placing another kiss on the space between your eyebrows.

“Google how to stay awake then.”

This prompts you to do just that, and you scroll through different websites of 5 tips on how to stay awake to even a wikiHow guide with pictures.

You finally stumble on a trick that you think might work, and move to venture back into the kitchen.

When you return to your seat, it’s with a cup that holds bits of crushed ice. Piece by piece, you put a small shard in your mouth and chew. Immediately, you feel more awake than when you were just drinking coffee. With this newfound energy, you continue working on your paper, stopping occasionally to plop another piece into your mouth.

crunch crunch crunch

And it is because of this spec-

crunch crunch crunch

specific factor in Kant’s-

crunch crunch crunch

theory are we able to conclude that-

crunch crunch crunch

oh my fhckign god iuwech fvoiumacxiahscmv

Seungmin stares at the keyboard smash on his screen. It’s been about fifteen minutes since you’ve realized this new hack of yours, and now every five seconds, you loudly chew another ice cube.

He doesn’t usually mind loud chewing, and it doesn’t annoy him as much as it annoys you, but ironically, the situation seems to have switched because now all he wants to do is grab another ice cube and shove it down your throat—lovingly of course, because you are the love of his life, but still-

crunch crunch crunch

Oh my god, he cannot do this anymore. Seungmin rips his laptop off of him, scrambling to get up. It’s almost 3 a.m. at this point, and he just wants to finish this stupid essay without the sound of your obnoxious chewing.

He freezes when his eyes settle on you.

Pouring another cube into your mouth from the cup, Seungmin watches as the ice has formed a permanent layer of sheen over your lips. You don’t notice him staring, which is a good thing because now he can’t seem to take his eyes off your mouth. Over time, the hue of your lips has changed into a brighter shade of red due to the coldness of the ice.

Seungmin knows you don’t have sensitive teeth, because you bite your ice cream and he always judges you for it, but the lack of feeling you have in response to the cold in your mouth has enabled you to eat ice cube after ice cube.

With your impatience, he watches as you reach for the cup and put two more pieces into your mouth, and the sight of your cheeks full and the small drips of water spilling from the corner of your lips has Seungmin shifting in his seat to fix the sudden southwards rush of his blood.

Shit.

You don’t notice the predicament you’ve unknowingly placed your boyfriend in. You’re too busy scanning over the ninth paragraph of your essay and looking for any spelling or grammar mistakes. The ice has worked wonders with keeping you awake.

You pour another ice from the cup and start chewing. From the corner of your eyes, you see Seungmin scramble off his seat and settle beside you, but you don’t think too much of it.

Which is why it comes as a surprise when you feel his hand snake around your jaw and turn your head towards him.

There are no words that can accurately describe the sudden rush of butterflies in your stomach at the sight of your boyfriend staring at your mouth with extreme concentration. The only fitting words seem to be oh fuck, but that doesn't seem romantic enough.

You’re about to ask him what he’s doing when he tilts your head the slightest bit and slants his lips against your own. There’s an overwhelming sensation of warmth that floods your mouth in contrast to the cold bits of chewed up ice. Seungmins hands snake across your jaw to angle your head, while the other one wraps around your thigh and tugs one leg over his lap.

His teeth nip against your lips, causing you to release a sudden whimper that he just swallows. Your hands smooth over his chest before finding home at the nape of his neck, tugging and pulling at the hairs. His tongue maneuvers into the crevices of your mouth, and you seem to forget the melted ice that gathered below your tongue because before you know you it, drips of water spill from the corners of your lips.

Seungmin grunts at the feeling of water dripping out of your mouth and into his, before pressing you closer, chest to chest and thighs wrapped around him. The pressure of your hips against the stiffness in his sweats makes him grip your jaw tighter.

He lets out a low moan that has your stomach twisting at the sound, and just like every other time you’ve made out with your boyfriend, you conclude that Kim Seungmin will definitely be the death of you.

When he pulls away, his eyes are dark and filled with lust. You’re guessing it mirrors your own.

“Fuck.” He groans.

Your lips are dark and bruised, and confusion of where the hell this all came from fly out the window when he grips your hips down to grind on him. The whine that you let out would embarrass you if you weren’t so preoccupied with the way your nails dig into his shoulders.

Seungmin reaches behind you to take another ice cube. The shuffle of movement allows you to breathe, which isn’t enough (it’s never enough when it comes to him) before he’s back in his original place with you straddling him, centered over his hips. He wipes his thumb over your lips with one hand, and he pulls your mouth apart to shove the ice cube in.

“Bite, baby.”

His voice is low and raspy, and it does things to your insides. You chew a few times, enough for the ice to shatter into tiny bits across your mouth. And then he’s angling your head to roughly connect your lips again.

You never do finish your essay that night.

notes♡: ahah so uhmm... yeah 👉👈 also im pretty sure chewing ice is actually bad for your health so probably ᵈᵒⁿᵗ ᵈᵒ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵃʰᵃʰ

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vsuvia · 4 years

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thinking makes it so / apprentice (ophelia)/asra/ 1.5k / explicit (minors do not interact)

(i’m posting this here bc i can’t decide if i want it on ao3 yet lol. i will continue to produce content for my apprentice even if i am the only goddamn one who reads it!!! oldmanyellsatcloud.jpg anyway enjoy)

The shop candle was blown out, the sign was flipped to read “Closed” in neat but firm handwriting, the merchandise had been put away (or at least as put away as it normally was), and Ophelia was finally, mercifully alone.

Though she appreciated the fact that her aunt had trusted her to run the shop, it was exhausting, she had to admit. It had been especially busy as of late; a surprising number of people complaining of coughs or fevers, considering the season, so she’d spent most of the past few days either selling charms and poultices against sickness or over the stove stirring a perpetually-added-to vat of protection potion. She’d visited the Red Market after closing up for the night yesterday, replenishing her supplies, and sat up late making more amulets, but tomorrow the shop would be closed. She’d wake at noon, walk along the canals, maybe have a picnic — but tonight came first.

The plan was to pick the witchweed that was blooming all over the fields with Asra once the moon came up. “Grows best right now, in the late spring,” he’d said to her, looping his scarf back around his shoulders. “It’s very good for all kinds of things. Makes a good base for the magic to build on, you know? Healing potions, poultices…” His ever-present catlike grin widened a little, and his eyebrows raised. “Love spells.”

Ophelia had laughed and tried to control the blush she felt rising to her cheeks. “We don’t sell those, Asra, and you know it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with trying to tempt a bit of love in your own direction,” he protested. “It’s not a love potion or anything. It’s just a little luck.”

She’d rolled her eyes, kept her lips locked together, because she had love already — it was standing right in front of her. And one-sided or not, she loved him enough to not want anyone else.

The painful squeeze inside her chest that always shows up when she thought about Asra made its presence known, and she sighed as she drew the curtains shut. Being in love with her best friend was proving to be more difficult than ever. She spent half the time with him desperately drinking it in, unable to drag her eyes away from him, like he was the very light itself, and the other half consumed with thoughts of the future, daydreaming and torturing herself in equal measure. It was quite frankly exhausting, and yet she couldn’t let go of the way she lit up from the inside out whenever he was around.

Walking into the back room, Ophelia slumped, resting her butt on the table, hitching a leg up and unbuttoning the remaining buttons on her blouse. There was only one solution she’d really found to work in any capacity so far, and while it didn’t help with the “being in love” part as much as she’d hoped, it at least made her act like a bit less of a jumpy idiot around Asra.

Her hand crept up the inside of her leg, rucking up her skirt around her waist, and she took her lip tightly between her teeth as she pushed her undergarments down around her knees and replaced them with her fingers. There was something incredibly satisfying about finally doing something for herself after these long few days where she worked so hard she could barely stand up straight. Getting back into the rhythm of her own body, enjoying the privacy again — she let out a small moan as she rocked against her hand, then another just to savor it. It was late at night, and the stone walls of the shop were thick enough to cover any noise she might make.

The angle from perching on the edge of the table was much better than Ophelia had expected, and she felt her breathing speed up, her hand grow slicker as she moved it against herself. Her eyes had fallen shut and she made no motion to open them, instead letting thoughts flit through her minds eye: a strong arm around her waist in the market, a flash of purple eyes from under a white fringe of hair, soft lips that she imagined on her now, and she shakily, quietly cried his name —

There was a creak as the door swung open, and she barely had time to open her eyes, let alone react, until she saw Asra standing in the doorway, his face redder than she could ever recall it being before.

A beat of silence filled the air, and then he said, strangled, “You should remember to lock the door,” his eyes stuck to her.

And suddenly shame was flooding her, and she covered her face with her hand, shoulders shaking, legs drawing closed. “Oh my god, Asra, I am so sorry—“

“Ophelia, look at me,” he said, so she did, as much as she could bear to, willing her body to stop trembling. Asra looked broken open, raw, his pupils wide, a fine tremor running through his body like a mirror to hers, as if he was holding himself back. And with a jolt, she could see he was hard, obvious through the thin fabric of his pants.

She drew in a breath, shuddery, felt heat spark anew in her stomach. “Wh-what about the door?” she managed, blurting out the first thing that came to her mind.

With a snap of his fingers, she heard the lock click, and the curtains to the back room slid shut behind them. “If you don’t want to,” he said slowly, “don’t stop.”

“I don’t want to stop,” Ophelia breathed, quiet, half-believing that if she spoke above a whisper, she’d break some sort of unspoken spell set by the universe and this would all be over. Her heart hammered so loud in her ears that she was sure it was rattling off the walls.

“Thank god,” Asra rushed out, and pushed his hand past his waistband.

She was fairly sure she stopped breathing. No matter how she moved, it wasn’t fast enough; it felt like she was fighting through molasses as she pressed her fingers into herself again, the air thick with desire that hadn’t been there before. Though she’d kept her eyes closed earlier, this time she wouldn’t let herself take them away from Asra for a second. Because he was gorgeous like this, leaning into his own touch, sweat beading along his neck — someday she’d kiss him there — his body all long, lean, tense lines.

“I heard you call my name and I thought you were hurt,” he panted. “I had no idea, my god, I thought I was dreaming at first, seeing you laid out like this.”

Out of breath, unable to string words together to express everything moving through her head, Ophelia just moaned, her hips bucking upwards, fisting her other hand in her skirt like it was anchoring her to reality.

“I’ve wanted you for so long and you j-just — ah —“ He cut himself off with a gasp, his head tilting back. “I’m this close already. Do you see what you do to me? There’s no one else I’d rather fall apart for.”

“Asra,” she sighed, crooking her fingers, grinding against her palm, and watched as his hips stuttered to a stop and he came into his hand. A second later she followed, the world going white at the edges with the intensity, a peak she felt like she’d never reached before.

When her head stopped spinning, she closed her legs gingerly, pulled her skirt back down, and looked over at Asra. Part of her expected him to look different, but he didn’t — the same grin on his face, the same dimples in his cheeks. He cleaned his hand with a clever spell he’d taught her once, then met her eyes and laughed, the laugh that seemed to come from the very base of his chest. “Pffffhahaha!”

“What?” Ophelia asked, smiling so hard her face hurt, the same way she did every time he laughed like that.

“When I thought about you,” he said, and he flushed a little bit at the admission, “I always imagined kissing you first.”

She felt herself blush too. “That would make more sense, I think.”

“I’m not worried about making sense.” Asra shook his head. “I’m worried about finding you, one way or another. I’m not really picky about how I get there.” He took a few steps towards her, then held back for a moment. “Can I kiss you now?”

Now it was Ophelia’s turn to laugh, partly at the absurdity of the situation and partly because she couldn’t contain it, happiness flooding in beyond even the usual endorphins. “Yes,” she replied, emphatic, and as their lips finally met she knew she would say it over and over and over again.

#asra #asra alnazar #asra the magician #asra x apprentice #asra x mc #the arcana #the arcana fic #the arcana apprentice #my apprentice #my writing #spicy content

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crows-murder · 3 years

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What was the first fandom and/or pairing that you wrote fic for?

Do you participate in any writing events or challenges throughout the year? If so, what do you like about them?

Do you write fics from start or finish, or jump around?

Do you outline before you start writing? If so, how far do you stray from that outline?

What is the perfect environment for you to write in?

Which part of writing do you struggle with most?

dialogue, exposition, or plot the most?

If you could only write angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your life, which would it be?

Is there a trope you haven’t written yet but really want to?

Is there a trope you wouldn’t write if it was the last trope on earth?

What is your most underrated fic?

What fic are you most proud of?

What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

Who is the easiest/hardest character for you to write about? Why?

What’s your favorite minor character you’ve written?

What is the one fic that got away?

Have you cried while writing a fic?

If you had to remix one of your own fics, which would it be and how would you remix it?

Tell us an idea for a longfic you want to write in the future. (sorry for sending so many i really wanna know)

(no don’t worry it’s perfectly okay! i had fun answering all of them 😊)

1. what was the first fandom and/or pairing that you wrote fic for?

ah. okay, so the first fandom i wrote and published for was Voltron, though i will never give away what the pairing was. i was 14 and it was on Wattpad, the rest is forbidden knowledge

2.do you participate in any writing events or challenges throughout the year? if so, what do you like about them?

i recently participated in a few events and challenges, and honestly, they were a lot of fun! i’d have to say that what i like about them is that i get to get out of my comfort zone and push my limits.

3. do you write fics from start or finish, or jump around?

well. uh, no.

sometimes i do write whole fics in one sitting, but usually it takes me a day or two, and i have more than one WIP doc open because my brain needs to switch fics when it gets bored, so to speak. i just need to jump around to avoid losing interest in a story

4. do you outline before you start writing? if so, how far do you stray from that outline?

if it’s a multi-chapter fic, then yes. if i don’t have a clear ending or goal, then the story can and will drag on and on and on lol. sometimes i’ll stray from my outline, since it’s not really a strict set of directions for me to follow, more of something to guide me. very often, my story won’t exactly resemble my outline.

5. what is the perfect environment for you to write in?

late at night with a steaming cup of tea or coffee, or just an energy drink, wrapped in my fuzzy blanket with instrumental music playing.

7. Which part of writing do you struggle with most?

writing

/hj. idk i guess i’d have to say finding the right word when i forget it. or another super annoying thing is that sometimes i have the perfect word in french, and i need to find a good translation for it, but the english version of the word just doesn’t feel the same as the original. that’s very annoying lol.

10. do you enjoy dialogue, exposition, or plot the most?

dialogue. i tend to stray from the plot and i always struggle with exposition, but i absolutely love writing dialogue.

11. if you could only write angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your life, which would it be?

angst. no questions. i need to hurt my characters because i love them.

12. is there a trope you haven’t written yet but really want to?

enemies to lovers. i don’t have any actual WIPs with that specific trope, but i do really want to write it one day lol.

13. is there a trope you wouldn’t write if it was the last trope on earth?

alpha/beta/omega. i fully support my writer friends who write it, but sadly i will never write it. it bothers me a little too much rip. i’d rather never write again than write it.

16. what is your most underrated fic?

um. personally, i think that this fic from my urban fantasy AU was really not popular lol. i kinda see why, since its pure fluff and from an AU that is a personal indulgence lol

17. what fic are you most proud of?

okay this Jayroy fic from my bad things happen bingo is definitely one of the ones i’m very proud of. idk, i just like it? i can’t explain why i’m proud of it, but i am.

18. what is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

i decided to cheat a little and i’ll be using a line from a WIP instead. and the commentary’s gonna be written bc i can

It was a mission report. Bruce had told him it was fine if he finished it tomorrow.

Tim could finish it tonight. (tim you absolute walnut SLEEP)

He was perfectly capable of doing what Bruce asked him. (not when you’re sleep deprived, idiot) He wasn’t Dick. he certainly wasn’t Jason. But he could still work diligently and without mistake. He could be better. (aw bby you dumb idiot child you dont need to be better)

Tim stared at the person standing in the hallway, eyes narrowed and mug in one hand. He knew for a fact that it took longer than twenty-seven hours of no sleep to start hallucinating. (I BANISH YOU TO SLEEP JAIL YOU UNRULY GREMLIN)

But that was the only reason Tim could fathom the Red Hood standing in the kitchen of Titans Tower at half-past three in the morning. (and that’s valid. i too would think i’d be hallucinating lmao)

Red Hood approached Tim slowly. “You have a lot of nerve wearing that uniform.” (jason please LET. THAT. GO.)

Tim glanced down at his rumpled gray shirt and flannel pajama bottoms. (i laughed writing this. i laughed a lot)

He should be more alarmed that the Red Hood clearly knew he was Robin without the mask, but Tim was too tired and he was going to have to push that freak-out to the next day. (me doing homework at 4am like)

19. who is the easiest/hardest character for you to write about? why?

this time i’ll go with the type of characters. the easiest character for me to write is definitely the one character i relate to the most/ my comfort character because of course, i know them more than any other character and to some level understand their character. the hardest character to write is probably one i don’t really know or one who doesn’t have a lot of character development or there isn’t much info about them. i’ll still write them, but i’ll be making up a lot of stuff lol.

20. what’s your favorite minor character you’ve written?

hmm. i haven’t written many side characters, but i did love writing Dana Winters. she’s very cool and i like her a lot.

21. what is the one fic that got away?

it might just be me but im struggling a bit with what this could mean, so i’m going to assume it means that one fic that didn’t go where i expected it to (if that’s not what you meant, feel free to send me an ask correcting me lol)

so i’d have to say its the second part of this 2 chapter fic i wrote because a lot of people were asking for more cuddles in the first part. i was not expecting writing another fic specifically for fluff, but here we are.

22. have you cried while writing a fic?

definitely during that one major character death fic i wrote. i wrote the aftermath of the character’s death and i was crying while writing it lmao.

i was crying so much writing the ending for this

23. if you had to remix one of your own fics, which would it be and how would you remix it?

i wrote a sort of road trip birdflash au that i wouldn’t mind seeing as a remix

30. tell us an idea for a longfic you want to write in the future.

i’m actually writing a longfic right now. i don’t even know where i got the idea from, but it’s basically a batfam no capes AU where they all practice magic instead and it’s set in 1927.

here’s the ask game! send me an ask! (or more than one, i don’t mind)

#long post #ask game #fic writer ask game #ghost answers #ghost writes

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spaceshipkat · 4 years

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i’ve decided to divide up my CCity recap posts in 20-chapter increments, so this one will be chapters 21 - 40. part 1 with chapters 1 - 20 can be found here.

chapter 21: we’re yet again in Ruhn’s POV, and i really hope we can find out why he’s got a POV when his plot doesn’t seem to have much to do with it. we get even more exposition, this one stating that fae and wolves claimed Luna as their patron goddess. Bruce and Hunt continue to act chummy. i remain confused about why. we get more exposition we don’t need via a tour guide. Ruhn asked Bruce to come to meet with him bc their dad asked him to find Luna’s Horn. we learn that the Star-Eater bred something strong enough to fight the Horn by combining some of Pelias’ blood and the Star-Eater’s own “terrible essence”. “out of [that] collision of light and darkness” came a beast that “dwells in the darkest depths of the Pit” and the Star-Eater named it the kristallos for its clear blood and teeth, which Hunt has never heard of. they seem to believe that the demon has been summoned to hunt for the Horn, and that the murders might have stopped for a two year gap (despite there only being two murders total) to wait for things to calm down before continuing the search for the Horn. we learn that not only can the kristallos track the Horn, but so can Ruhn. Hunt calls Justinian, another member of the 33rd Imperial Legion, to look up the kristallos. Justinian tells Hunt he should stop waiting on Shahar, since it’s been two centuries, and hints he should instead hook up with Bruce.

chapter 22: back in Bruce’s POV, she asks Ruhn if their dad killed Danika and Ruhn says no. they have an argument wherein we learn that Ruhn called Bruce “a half-breed slut” in an argument and Bruce says that he meant it even though Ruhn says it was just said in a fight, and then she storms off. Bruce rushes to the gallery to meet with a client and research the Horn, but finds nothing. she decides to discover how Danika factors into the Horn business.

chapter 23: we start with Bruce in the gallery when she gets a call from Jesiba to send a file from her computer, and we get yet another proper noun in the Godslayer Rifle, which Jesiba hangs in her office. Bruce asks if Jesiba has heard anything new about the Horn, and Jesiba says no. Hunt tells Bruce there’s been another murder, and they leave. when Bruce sees the remains, she has a PTSD episode, which Ruhn tries to help with by removing her from the scene of the crime and she snaps at him. it’s revealed it was an acolyte from Luna’s temple who was killed, and that it was Micah who Bruce saved when she chased the kristallos (the demon) out of her apartment and followed it through the city.

chapter 24: Bruce learns that Hunt thought she was a suspect and, for some reason, is surprised by this. Hunt smells like cedar and rain. we get a flashback to the moment Bruce killed for the first time, though we don’t actually get to see her do the killing (which i’m glad for, though i’m pretty sure we’ll see it eventually so we can witness Bruce being “badass”). the chapter ends with Bruce entering the White Raven club.

chapter 25: in Hunt’s POV, we learn that witches fly on brooms. we learn Justinian called and found nothing but a few myths about the kristallos and that Viktoria called to say the Viper Queen’s alibis checked out. Hunt follows Bruce into the club and finds her at a booth with Juniper, who smells of jasmine and vanilla since he wants to apologize to Bruce for bringing her to the crime scene. Ruhn shows up at the club after Juniper and Bruce go to the bathroom. the chapter ends with the club exploding.

chapter 26: back in Bruce’s POV, we witness her jump over Juniper to protect her from the explosion and learn that Juniper made the Drop two years ago so Bruce shouldn’t have been protecting her but the other way around. Hunt takes Bruce to Ruhn’s house to clean her wounds. evidently, the White Raven club was formerly a temple. Hunt finds out Bruce didn’t heal the scar she got from her injury when she chased the kristallos and saved Micah. Ruhn says that all signs of the bomb point to human rebels, and that there was a Horn-shaped logo on the crate that had carried the bomb. it’s speculated that the humans are warning them away from looking for the Horn, hence who is being killed and that the club blew up while Bruce, Ruhn, and Hunt were inside it. Hunt decides they need to talk to Briggs to see if the Keres, his group of human rebels, are behind the murders of Danika, Mr. Tertian, and the acolyte. Ruhn tells Bruce that their dad wants her to have a bodyguard so she doesn’t die before the Summit, and Bruce says it’ll be Hunt bc she doesn’t want Ruhn to live with her. there’s a POV switch to Ruhn, now, and he wonders if Hunt is putting two and two together to realize that Bruce and Ruhn aren’t just cousins but siblings. Ruhn wants to look at the gallery’s library and Bruce wants Declan Emmet, one of Ruhn’s best friends, to search the Den archives for anything about Danika’s last movements.

chapter 27: back in Hunt’s POV, we revisit the White Raven club (Bruce is barefoot, for some reason) as Hunt and Bruce walk to her apartment. Hunt asks Bruce why she won’t make the Drop and she says she’s waiting until she’s 27 since she and Danika were going to make the Drop at age 27. Hunt asks if Bruce and Danika were lovers and Bruce says no. Hunt tells Bruce about his bargain with Micah and, for some reason, she doesn’t judge him for what he needs to do when, by all accounts, she would have until sj///m decided they’re going to eventually be a couple. in the guest room, Hunt finds a photo of Bruce, Bruce’s mom, and Bruce’s stepdad, who is a legendary sharpshooter.

chapter 28: Hunt wakes up and Bruce is still asleep, and he notes she’s in a nightgown and has a tattoo down her back in an alphabet he doesn’t recognize. Juniper shows up with pastries. people still believe humans from Pangera are behind the club bombing. Juniper says Fury is coming home bc the owner of the club is putting a bounty out on whoever is responsible for blowing it up. Hunt and Bruce have “banter” and eat croissants.

chapter 29: Bruce and Hunt walk to the gallery together. in Ruhn’s POV, we’re not in the gallery’s library and we learn that Ruhn evidently has a lot of piercings. Declan sends information regarding Danika’s movements before she died. Danika was stationed at Luna’s Temple the two days before the Horn was stolen as well as during the blackout while it was stolen. we learn both Pelias’ wife and mother-in-law were Starborn. we also learn that the Horn only worked when Starborn magic was funneled through it, and that this is true of all sacred objects. Hunt decides he’ll go see the Oracle to see if she knows anything about the Horn.

chapter 30: Bruce and Hunt go to the Comitium so he can gather weapons and clothes to bring to Bruce’s apartment. Hunt tells Bruce he’s a bastard and that he made the Drop when he was 28. Hunt’s request to meet with Briggs has been approved and that Hunt gets to meet with the Oracle tomorrow. chapter ends with Isaiah trying to warn Hunt that Sandriel is here but Sandriel is already there

chapter 31: Sandriel spots Hunt. Bruce stages an exit that’s actually really helpful and it’s nice to see her display some humanity. Micah asks Bruce out and she says she’s not interested. Bruce and Hunt leave via a back exit that requires him to carry her bc he needs to fly them out and back to her apartment.

chapter 32: they head back for the gallery. Micah calls to tell Hunt he has a job to do tonight so Hunt leaves Justinian to watch Bruce. when Hunt returns, Bruce tells him that she recorded the sunball game he missed but wanted to watch.

chapter 33: Hunt goes to see the Oracle and asks her why someone wants the Horn. she says that they want to open the doorway between worlds, to reopen the Northern Rift. evidently, the Horn’s purpose is to open and close doors.she says the Horn can also be repaired. the Oracle warns Hunt to stay away from Bruce (as a warning of their connection, not protectiveness over her)

chapter 34: Bruce and Ruhn are waiting for Hunt outside where the Oracle lives (in the Oracle’s Park). the acolyte who was killed last was the only one on duty the night the Horn was stolen. Bruce speculates that maybe the humans want to use the Horn to open the gates of Hel and bring the princes out. Ruhn leaves to go question medwitches about if it would be possible to heal the Horn, as it apparently has some sentience to it. Hunt asks Bruce if she has any idea why the Oracle would warn him to stay away from her, and Bruce eludes that the Oracle might still be angry at her. the Oracle apparently screamed and clawed at her face when she looked into Bruce’s future and was blind for a week. they find a picture of a terracotta vase with the kristallos demon roaring as a sword is arced toward its head by a warrior of some kind. Briggs is in place to be questioned and Hunt asks if Bruce will be okay facing him since he probably won’t have nice things to say about Danika, and Bruce snaps at him. Lehabah says that Bruce should have some new friends, that Hunt seems like he could be a nice friend, and Bruce snaps at Lehabah, who is hurt and leaves.

chapter 35: Bruce and Hunt walk through the halls of cells below the Comitium and we get a lot of implications of torture that occurs. they enter one cell where Briggs is. they ask Briggs if the Keres could be behind the attacks. he says he liked Danika, even when she busted him. Briggs says that Danika went easy on Briggs and even let a few of his Keres rebels escape, and that he thinks she might have been a sympathizer. Bruce objects, but Briggs says that Danika could have been an important ally in the rebel cause bc of how Bruce was treated as half-fae, half-human. Briggs says he is not responsible for Danika’s death, but if the Keres managed to blow up the White Raven, that was good. back in Bruce’s apartment, Hunt and Bruce regroup. Hunt is in sweats, a t-shirt, and a sunball hat on backward. Bruce takes apicture on Hunt’s phone and sends it to herself. Hunt explains that he was tortured for seven years after he rebelled. Bruce reaches for Hunt’s hand and holds it while she tells him he’s nothing like Briggs. he gives his hat to Bruce. they have a thing where their legs are touching and their eyes are locked and Bruce’s voice turns hoarse while they talk about how Danika might have hidden whoever stole the Horn the night of the blackout and then Hunt steals his hat back and they have a plan to reexamine the footage from the cameras facing the temple.

chapter 36: Bruce and Hunt show up to a shooting range where Ruhn, Flynn, and Declan are. Bruce wants Declan to analyze footage from Luna’s Temple the night the Horn was missing. Bruce shoots, Hunt pops a boner, he gets a call from Isaiah that there’s been another murder, this one in the Asphodel Meadows

chapter 37: Bruce looks scared, so Hunt sends Ruhn, Declan, and Flynn to the crime scene first. Hunt helps Bruce breathe through the panic before they go to the crime scene. the Asphodel Meadows are run-down and reek of trash and Bruce tries not to breathe bc of course. the murder victim might be one of the guards from Luna’s Temple on his way home. the murderer appears to have known where all cameras were in the area they killed the person. Bruce figures out that the murders are all occurring on ley lines and speculates that the murders occur so the demon can be summoned out of Hel. Bruce and Hunt talk about their love lives as they leave the crime scene. Declan learns that Sabine swapped the audio recordings from the night the Horn was stolen.

chapter 38: Hunt asks Isaiah to read the notes from what Sabine said to him and Hunt the night of Danika’s death, while Bruce was in the holding room, and thinks that Sabine could have killed Danika bc Danika might have wanted to tell someone about the Horn. Bruce says she can’t imagine why Sabine would have the Horn and still summon the kristallos demon. Hunt speculates that Sabine and possible Sandriel might be in on trying to make Micah look bad bc Sabine hates Micah and Sandriel wants Valbara (which Micah is governor of). Bruce goes for a run and Hunt joins her to protect her. Bruce’s leg is in a lot of pain but she keeps lying about it and seems to enjoy the fact she’s in pain.

chapter 39: Ruhn stops at the clinic of the medwitch he met with the night of the last murder. the witch and Ruhn have lunch in the courtyard, and he asks her if a magical object could be healed. she guesses it’s a fae artifact from what he’s saying, and then the Horn. she speculates that there might be a way to repair it if the object is treated as a living thing. there definitely seems like there’s going to be some romance between Ruhn and this unnamed medwitch (maybe she’s Hypaxia? she seems confused when Ruhn asks if the new queen Hypaxia would have any answers, and then recovers to say that Hypaxia is mourning her mother and won’t take any visitors until she’s declared as the new witch queen at the Summit).

chapter 40: Viktoria sends Isaiah to collect Hunt when she looks through footage on the city cameras about the ley lines/power grid. Bruce and Hunt fly to meet with Viktoria. Viktoria is, of course, beautiful. Viktoria has found footage of a foot that belongs to the kristallos demon from the nights of the murders and that the night of Mr. Tertian’s murder, there was a temperature fluctuation on a ley line. the demon was around the Den where Sabine lives, as though waiting for someone, and then vanished. it was also at the murder from the night before and vanished just as quickly.

#anti sjm #anti ccity #ccity spoilers #myth & kat read ccity #ccity recap

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softwonjunnie · 4 years

Text

firewhisky and kisses 🔥

pairing : slytherin!seungyoun x y/n

word count : 2.1k

genre : hogwarts!au, fluff

warnings : mentions of alcohol but only slightly

other : second person, past tense, gender neutral

authors note : so, this is a liiiittle bit weird bc i tried not to define the reader’s hogwarts house, so that you can all imagine what you’d like! also, pls imagine that hogwarts is located in korea! i should proofread this again when i have my computer but for now i hope you can see past any mistakes for now. i hope you all have a great day! :)

One of the big pros of being a seventhgrader was being able to drink the firewhisky. Going to Three Broomsticks Inn in Hogsmeade when just wanting to have a nice time and relax was something you and all of your closest friends enjoyed. And tonight was no different.

It was a nice Monday night, and earlier that day you had all completed your last N.E.W.T., which was in charms. Your friends were planning on all celebrating it together, though you had said that you were too exhausted to go out, having studied at almost every hour of the day the past few weeks. But eventually, your best friend Yohan lured you out of the bed when telling you that Seungyoun was going to be there.

Yohan was sure that you had a big ass crush on Seungyoun, whether you knew it or not. Said boy was one of your closest friends, and you wouldn’t want to ruin that for anything in the world. So when he came up in discussion between you and Yohan, you always shrugged it off with a comment like “I mean, he’s cute and all but... I don’t think so...”.

Yet, there was this... feeling growing inside of you every time you hung out with, or even thought about Seungyoun. You weren’t quite sure what it meant - but you were sure you enjoyed it.

So after some nagging, you finally agreed to join your friends for the night out. You and Yohan arrived a little later than the others, but all your friends welcomed you with big smiles and hugs. You had almost forgotten about him for a few seconds, while greeting your other friends, but suddenly you saw Seungyoun in the corner of your eye, giving you his signature smile. You walked over to him and he opened up his arms for you to hug him. You playfully teased him a bit, pretending to be contemplating whether or not to actually hug him, before walking into his embrace. His hugs had always been super cozy - the way he’d hold you not too tightly but not too loosely, the way he’d hold you a bit longer than usual hugs - and they weren’t exactly helping keep the feelings inside of you on the low.

When you pulled away, you stood still for a few seconds, just staring into each others’ eyes, but you two were then pulled into reality when your friends started talking to you and dragging you to take a seat on one of the sofas in the room.

Something you liked about your friend group was that all of the Hogwarts houses were represented in it. Yohan was a Hufflepuff, Seungyoun was a Slytherin along with your friend Dongpyo, your friends Hangyul and Seungwoo were Gryffindors, and your friends Eunsang and Junho were Ravenclaws, and the girls in the friend group were split into different houses aswell. Yet, you all worked so well together. You were all great friends and could have a lot of fun, both with and without firewhisky - though, the latter situation was how it went down tonight.

You all had a good amount of the drink split between you all, and the friend group grew only louder and louder as the hours passed. You were sitting on one edge of the long table as if you were the queen of the room, and Seungyoun was sitting straight across from you, as if he was the king. You two didn’t say much to each other, as there was a bit of distance between you two, but a lot of glances were shot and smiles were sent to each other. It was quite typical for you two; you didn’t need words. You understood each other anyway.

After a while, Minhee, who was the one who seemed to have had the most to drink, came up with an idea. “Let’s play truth or dare!” he exclaimed, to which everyone cheered. Except for you. You knew that truth or dare was primetime for doing things you’d surely regret the next morning, knowing that you’d be having to live with the shame forever. But seeing the blissful and drunk expressions on your friends’ faces, you told yourself that there was no way any of them would remember anything to the next day. No. Way.

So you all began playing, and it was pretty alright at first - Seungwoo had to say which teacher he thought was the prettiest, Eunsang got his hair braided, and much more. “Seungyoun! Truth or dare?” Yohan asked when it was his turn, taking another sip of his drink.

“Dare,” Seungyoun answered grinning.

“Then I dare you to...” Yohan looked around your friend group, trying to think about what to dare him to do. “Kiss the prettiest girl in the room.”

Your heart froze. You felt sick. You were convinced he’d pick anyone of the girls in this room, anyone but you. There were lots of cute girls in your friend group, and you didn’t want to see him kiss anyone else, as you knew that it would hurt really bad.

You were just about to excuse yourself to the bathroom, as you couldn’t handle this - but at that exact moment, in the corner of your eye, you could see Seungyoun standing up from his chair. And when you looked at him fully, your eyes met his.

He was looking straight at you.

And he took a couple of steps around the table, slowly coming closer to you in what felt like slow motion, never breaking eye contact. Neither did you. It was if he had no thoughts of doubt at all, as if the only person he could think about when he was dared was you.

You weren’t sure what was going to happen. Goosebumps covered your skin as he now stood in front of you and you tried your best to hold in a shiver that was creeping up your spine.

But then he smiled. He smiled his regular cute smile, a smile you couldn’t help but to copy. And as you saw that smile of his, you could finally relax as you knew that you were in good hands. And whatever happened, it would be good.

He leaned down a bit so that he was on the same level as you still sitting on your chair. And a hand came to cup your cheek as he slowly leaned closer to you.

It was no news to him that firewhisky made one more brave - but Seungyoun never thought he’d get this brave. Kissing the girl he was crushing on was something he couldn’t believe really happening, and especially not like this. For the first time in front of all your friends. But he did it.

He let his soft lips push against yours in a slow motion, and time stopped for a while. You never thought you’d enjoy kissing Seungyoun as much as you did. All you could hear was fireworks going off in the background, describing exactly how you were feeling on the inside. That was, until you could also hear you friends yelling at you two and wolf-whistling, making you pull your face back. You looked at Seungyoun, whose face was still very close to yours, and he was now smiling even more than before (if possible).

He was pulled back by his shoulder by Hangyul, along with a loud “get a room” making the whole crowd laugh. And the blush on your cheeks grew by the second.

Seungyoun sat down on his seat again soon, and you didn’t dare look over at him for a good while. But when you finally did, he was looking straight back at you. Grinning. And you had to smile back.

You all soon decided that it was time to head back, in hopes of getting at least a little bit of sleep before breakfast next morning. After the short walk, you greeted all your friends goodbye as you were parting your ways to get to your rooms - but you couldn’t find Seungyoun. He must’ve left when you didn’t see. It felt weird not saying a single word to him after what happened, but at the same time you didn’t know what you would have said. You went to bed anyways and tried not to think about it too much; you would most probably talk to him tomorrow again.

But you didn’t. You had spotted him in class a couple of times as he was talking to his friends, but you didn’t approach him. You didn’t dare. What would you say? You felt insecure, what if he only thought you were pretty? That was the dare, after all. It wasn’t to kiss his crush, only someone he found pretty. Maybe this was just a way of him not exposing his crush to another of the girls in the room?

But what you weren’t aware of was that he had seen you too. He had watched you when you studied, and thought to himself about wether to approach you or not. And what he would say to you if he did. He really wanted to, he wanted to confess his feelings to you, the feelings he had carried inside of him for a long time; he liked you. But he was afraid you wouldn’t answer his feelings. So instead of talking to you, he always just walked away.

The days went past, and the two of you continued sneaking around each other without talking to each other. Neither of you dared.

And as the time passed, you laid your attention on something else. It was time for the annual quidditch fight between hogwarts and a magic school in Japan, where the teachers pick out the best players from all houses to compete together - and you had been selected to play as the seeker. You had been practicing hard with your new teammates, so you didn’t really have time to think about Seungyoun.

But the game didn’t exactly end as you had anticipated.

A couple of minutes into the game, you got a bit distracted chasing the golden snitch, and you forgot to pay attention to your surroundings - missing the bludger that was on its way towards you. “Watch out!” someone on your team yelled, and you looked up in the last second, to see the bludger heading straight towards your head. And then it all went black.

When you woke up again, it took took you quite a while to understand where you were. The room was very light, and you soon noticed that you were laying down in a hospital bed. You were in the hospital wing. Just as you were about to look around the room to see if a matron was there, you heard a soft voice from beside you.

“Oh, you’re awake?” You turned your head to the side, and there sat Seungyoun who was looking down at you, his face filled with worry. “How are you feeling?”

“Except for the enormous pain in my head, it’s all fine,” you said, to which he smiled slightly. “What happened?”

“Someone aimed a bludger right towards you, and none of your teammates were there to help you. According to the matron, you only have a concussion, which is lucky considering the height you fell from.” You nodded but quickly halted your actions due to the pain it caused. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Just...” You let out a sigh, not believeing you were actually about to say this to the boy you had liked for quite a while now. “stay with me?”

Seungyoun smiled at you and nodded, and you suddenly felt something softly squeeze your hand. You looked down towards it, and holding it was Seungyoun’s hand. When did he start holding my hand? You thought. Has he been holding it all this time? From before I even woke up? A well-recognized blush crept up on your cheeks, but you smiled at him when you noticed that his face too was dyed in a light pink color.

“Thank you.” You squeezed his hand back and smiled at him. “And thank you for the kiss. I...” You looked away for a few seconds, too scared to see his reaction to what you were going to say next. “I really liked it.”

“I liked it too,” his soft voice murmured and you looked back at him with a shocked look on your face. “but not as much as I like you.”

If you thought you had been blushing hard before, you were blushing enormously hard right now. You looked back in his eyes and they seemed to support the exact message Seungyoun just told you. “I like you too.”

“Let’s talk about this later, hm? You need to rest.” You nodded again (slower and more carefully this time, to prevent yourself from making the same mistake again) and he pulled his head down a bit to place a soft kiss to the back of your hand. “Sweet dreams.”

#pd101 #pdx101 #produce 101 #produce x 101 #pd48 #produce 48 #imagine #kpop #blurb #cute #seungyoun #cho seungyoun #uniq #produce 101 scenarios #fluff #drabble #fic #x1 #woodz #hogwarts!au

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theoraclehealer · 3 years

Text

Jung, mysticism and psychopomp signature.

Sept 28, 2017

chiron and carl jung

and the zodiac signs

taurus has to ascend. what does that even mean, right?

as i sat with this, i imagined somehow seeing a taurus - bull - rise up into the air and go up the heavens. I’m clueless.

so i sat with this some more and thought about the introvert, as she seems to be in need of the most help here.

there always comes a time when i have these breathing episodes and everything runs amok.

for example:

ok, how bad is this?

how bad will this be?

and then i have to sit with it and see if i reach a point where it will just stop or carry on for a bit longer. this morning’s episode was awful (i still blame the seroquel). there are many tricks that i will try - reasoning my way through it, sounds, rescue remedy, coffee, water, contemplation, whatever … but then ill even try talking to myself but out loud, pretending someone is there with me.

focus has been a BIG theme here … but now I’m realizing that its actually human connection.

so ill talk out loud and see if that works.

but this morning was difficult - it changed a lot but was also more stubborn until i started to realize just how bad this sheer terror is that i have around death.

i contemplated a couple of times whether or not i wanted to call 9/11 but that proved to be problematic for a few reasons - one namely, i was home alone and was stuck upstairs so i couldn’t really go all the way down stairs and then upstairs and then change my clothes, find my shoes, make sure the dogs were okay, etc.

but in my mind, it was clear to me that i just wanted someone around and sadly, other than my mom, EMS workers are my only shot.

how difficult is it to heal from all of this … on my own?

narcissistic abuse … emotional deficits all over the place … sheer terror … profound rejection

and yet no one to look to in the eye.

no one to “pull you out of it” when you need it the most.

so it could be that the introvert would have gotten hurt at any time because in the end, she’s the traumatized one. and now in order to get taurus to ascend, i have to find her and tell her it’s okay … but ask me if i believe that it will be?

theres a chakra component here though and as i started to type this, i felt the shift in my lower chakras rise. i saw a red/pink light in the distance.

i have lost the passion for life and living. because my life was taken from me. all of it. blindsided and then burned. you wake up and its ALL gone because YOU understand the gravity of the disaster that you will now have to face, its a sense of knowing.

the people around me are tired to me.

i was in love with something before. it wasn’t a man but it was … the air. the moon. the sun. and the stars.

isn’t it great? she thought.

and now the world around HER this time, not God … has grown dark.

its take a great amount of effort to get out of the house.

because i generally don’t care.

whats in it for me?

so i drifted off to the left, to look around and think.

i realized the contemplative aspect of me has also severely suffered. another I in NFP.

but it was then that i realized who she was and we reconnected.

morissey’s - how soon is now? ran through my head.

then out of the corner of my eye, i could see my phone lighting up but it wasn’t a notification - it was red, orange and yellow - and i heard “its a bird” and by the flames that encompassed this image, i could tell it was the phoenix. i smiled.

my left arm said “i want my life back”

and was happy for about a few seconds but then stopped because … life.

the magic doesn’t uplift me anymore.

i want to be concrete for a time and see that life can be mine again. but i feel like i am owed something … from someone and yet all avenues are shut.

chiron told me i had a job to do.

isn’t that always the case?

even if i found $50,000 and i moved out … my health is still bad. the nebulizer is the bane of my existence.

i have gone through so many phases where i THINK I’m going to ween myself off of it and then there’s a kick back … of something i don’t understand … but last time, i blame the sleep study. and again, even as smart as i am and as intuitive as i am … with my history, someone should have stepped in and said “no way … lets talk this out instead because you matter”.

everything comes … after the fact.

even the help.

—————

things worth mentioning bc it gets so sticky throughout the day - i have been having upper back pain and have had to lay on the floor and hearing some pops around my neck but the pain is around c4. i suspect the seroquel relaxed things TOO much and through this nerve into a mess. laying down doesn’t help but sleeping in the chair is causing numbness and tingling in my hands again. I’m getting pain in my infraspinatus - both sides. this can be the only thing that i can think of that causes weird and sudden attacks, randomly.

the episodes take forever to resolve. and the pain at SI9 gets worse when i have these episodes ... very local and sharp pain.

something else to note, i don’t know the stages in which the healing happens ... with the vertebrae ... passions and love ... C4 ... insane heartbreak and emotional neglect and lack of emotional support.

and then things calm down, after i get so angry because of the physical damage/repair thats STILL happening ... and you realize just how many layers you have to build UP and not work through ... to get to the emotional body ... and where intuition comes from as you’re doing acupuncture on a client and you see a blue/purple small round light appear on your left pointer finger and you hear “john lennon” is your intuitive guider of principles long forgotten like “love is all you need” because love makes you feel like you can overcome ANY of your demons. Victor said that when we were talking last year, that he felt more stable.

——

hindsight is 20-20 right?

Elizabeth Thorson told me that unless i get grounded, I’m not going to know what work I’ve done will stick.

That was …. about 8 months ago and THIS is how long its taking me … after her esteemed shamans all failed.

“love is all you need”

———————-

so at the end of the day, this has not been an uplifting journey. and i have a new definition of “enlightenment”.

but I just did a search online for remedies for herniated discs and came across st johns wort oil and elderberry.

i had been told by “myself” that i didn’t need the elderberry anymore.

funny enough, muscle pain and tension has been an issue ever since … and thats exactly what one website said it helps with.

pisces sabotage.

and where has the help from the other dimensions been for this?

and whats a firefly? and why was it getting in my way today?

this is all going to end up wrapping up and i have no say in anything. it has to happen and i don’t want to stay like this but there is no book or teacher that i have here on earth to reassure me that things are indeed winding down.

my entire life has been trauma. and many things happen suddenly. my death happened suddenly and has been MORE trauma.

I’m running into problems talking to some clients about things like … their grief bc instinctually, i pull from experience and can only be as “fake” honest as i can be, knowing they’re not going through what I’m going through.

but when the extra energy and interference is gone, what work is left for me to do? how quiet will life be? will it be a rough transition? and how much longer will i be alone? my mouth keeps saying … as if being fed words from the left … but think of how fruitful your life is going to be! and i go … prove it.

——

and as i try to just sit with what i just wrote, i also sit with one of my other selves who seems to be championing me … trying to tell me that she’s going to help me take melatonin tomorrow … and if she’s not here, to take it at 9pm.

THIS alone triggers my biggest fear but i should be allowed to …. SIT.

my eyes go to the keyboard … “christine’s biggest fear is coming up! meows!”

and now i have that on my mind … unless i just keep typing.

but is the electricity too much for me today?

FUCK.

spiritual awakening or spirit murder? this journey has been horrible.

————

lets talk.

so you’re all full of shit.

I’ve been astral traveling day in and day out to heal … myself.

taoist astral gods of healing.

i can call on whomever i need in a pinch.

but i “step outside” of myself to try and gain a different perspective right?

but she sees things i cannot.

i just wish there was more information because then i would have been more willing … and just allowed it to happen with an understanding.

theres other things going on that i am “feeling” out … and i suspect MY spirits are the ones swirling around, swiping shit away.

i started to become more and more suspicious of “the spirits reside within” … until you derail in the most horrifying way possible and they have to step in and do the work.

“we want our girl back!!!” - said to Petra who didn’t spend any time in exploring this with me. i dissociated but i didn’t black out. i heard the whole thing. she just watched …. and probably thought “ohhhh a case study … how freudian”

so who’s in my eyes?

I’ve already suspected a few things here … but i get the shen, liver, gall bladder and the bladder and the eyes.

i get that the shen scatter with trauma but something is a-miss.

——

earlier today, twice at least, i thought of arielle and her death. she died in her sleep. and i had been talking to a client about this tonight and said that we all have these experiences, day in and day out and while its not easy (she was struggling with losing her friend recently), its better to allow yourself the time to process it. i had shared with her the complications of dealing with my own death and coma, along with dealing and processing arielle’s. she died in her sleep and i fear dying in my sleep … and its two-fold because i now have a coma to contend with. its hard to figure this one out as its a lot of imagery more so than words attached to a feeling … and this could be the curse of an empath.

she was so young. when she initially came through, whether it was her or not, i was feeling something different towards her than others … i was shut down a bit and well, on some level, feeling at one with her.

“hey - hows it going - this shit is nuts right?”

“I’m sorry you’re dead, arielle.”

you’re DEAD.

#carljung chinesemedicine coma death dyng freud infj infp introvert jung myersbriggs psychopompsignature shamanism sigmundfreud theshen zodia

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survivorgalaxysedge · 3 years

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Episode 5 | Forgive Me Cowtown For I Have Sinned - Ari

ohhhhh i found something JUICY tonight!!! so yesterday the hosts got tired of me constantly asking how many fuel i have and gave me the command to view it, and i knew i was outta points so i was like ok cool we'll check it out tomorrow. TURNS OUT the scorekeeper bot shows you not just your personal points.... but the points of everyone in the game.... and WHOM is number two on that list with 36 entire points? that's right. my best friend keegan. my first thought was wtf ew how did he already recover from my sabotage, i feel zero percent guilty about doing that now! and then my second thought was WAIT...... this is PERFECT. so you can bet i ran right to all three of my allies to be like "hey omg i found something shady :0 didn't keegan say all his fuel got blown up the other day? well i pulled some receipts and it turns out he still has all of it! why would he lie about that??? so sus!" and now i'm laughing because there could not be a more perfect excuse to get him gone!!! i'm not gonna push it any more than that right now - for all i know, we'll prob win the next challenge again - but i've tucked the ammo away in my pocket, planted the ari seed in jonathan and zoe's heads, and i'll let it sit pretty there until i need it. also, i ended up telling ali what i did to keegan simply because he is 100% not going against me and i needed someone to tell me i'm funny, so i also let him know about this plan o mine and that we could use this against sir keegan, which he's so down for. god. i cannot wait to tell mj about all this shit.

Jacob being voted out of NuTrian is the second best thing that could have happened. Preferably Nathan but my OG Andro and Jessie are safe so that’s very good. Now we’ve got a Guess Who challenge which is okay. I don’t care if we get first or second, I just really really don’t want to get last. Let’s keep the good vibes going and be safe for a fifth straight tribal council. Ali told me he scored 11 points, I scored 10. I hope Zoe can whip out her survivor magic with a score of 8 or 9. And then hopefully Jonathan can pull out a good score as well. Nathan and Zach have both scored 12 on this challenge before, so I can only hope they keep up with that and score high again. Gotta make sure those other tribes flop. I’m still incredibly uncertain about how to play this steal a player advantage. It’s possible we ride this 3 tribe split all the way to merge. My guess is merge at 11 or 10. That would be quite a few tribals to go without another swap but it’s certainly possible. Though I could absolutely see a swap now at 12. Two tribes of six, and then merge at 10. A final 3 with 7 jurors perhaps? Either way, I think I’ll hold on to this advantage until it seems likely that I’ll need it. No sense in causing some chaos if it isn’t necessary.

ok so i'm doing well in challenges rn, as best as i can at least, and i feel like that's the only thing keeping me alive bc.... nobody talks to me. i feel like i'm starting every one on one conversation and desperately trying to keep it alive and not be left on read. idk if they're like this with each other or if its just me but !!!!!! it doesnt make me feel good abt potentially losing a challenge. so i will just keep carrying my weight and keeping my cute little head down and pray im just being paranoid<3

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WELL We lost the immunity challenge which is the first loss after four straight immunity wins. That was a nice little break while it lasted. The obvious choice right off the bat is to vote for Ali. Keeps the OG Andro tribe fully intact, and avoids the most possible drama. However, I worry he might have found the Circi idol from his original tribe. Plus whatever advantage he may have gotten from the first challenge of the season. So the alternate thought is to maybe vote for Jonathan or Zoe. I adore Ari would not want to vote them out. It's tempting to throw a vote on one of them in the event of Ali playing an idol, just to keep myself safe. But if Ali doesn't have an idol, that could cause a whole world of issues. On the flip side, I wouldn't be entirely surprised if some or any of my tribe mates decided to throw my name under the bus. I haven't been the most social person and while I have definitely pulled my weight in the challenges, I could see them having their own little group that's willing to throw my under the bus and make things as painless as possible for the rest of them, especially considering they've all said they like Ali a lot. Ahhh this is all so much worse considering I have the hidden immunity idol. I don't want to waste it, but I also don't want to pull a Kellee Kim and go home with it in my pocket.

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it's kind of ridiculous how well this is all going???? why havent they voted me out yet i am running this shit -talked to ali, told him he's gonna be fine we just need to get people to vote for keegan -talked to jonathan, convinced him keegan is the most logical vote "because he's shady" and because it also means we can vote ali easily next time (versus going down to andro 4 and having it get much more messy) -jonathan was like "should we tell ali right before the vote?" and i was like i think you should call him and see where his head is at and we can go from there, jonathan said ok good point, if he says he wants to vote keegan and he also tells you that without any prompting from either of us we know he's real about it -yeeted myself into ali's dms the very second jonathan hung up like OK LISTEN HERE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY WHEN HE CALLS YOU, HE CANT KNOW I TOLD YOU ANY OF THIS -ali called me half an hour later like "omg we had such a good talk i love jonathan now deadass, i told him exactly what you said to say and he's so down" -presumably in the morning jonathan will call me and say "wow had a great talk with ali he seems cool and great and he said he'd vote keegan, what did he tell you?" and i can say "yeah same he mentioned keegan so i think we're good!" and jonathan will feel like we Did This Together and ali will feel like i Did This For Him and everyone will be in love with me -all i have to do tomorrow is make sure zoe is on board & that she doesn't feel pushed, and prob call keegan and make him some vague promises about working together long term, and then cross my fingers that i don't get blindsided during my editorial meeting at 9pm est i am having so much fun

i just keep thinking about how funny it’s gonna be when we get to merge and mj tells me to vote out all these people i’ve been making f2s with and i’ll be like “okay!!!!<3”

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Not to go back to INV this round, but not much has been going on. I've been keeping up socializing but since we're not going to tribal it's been more quiet than it has been last round. I'm really glad we won though bc I feel vulnerable if we go to tribal again. Cindi seems close to Nathan, and Nathan and Jessie seem closer to each other than they will be to me so I'm worried I'd be an easy vote. So I'm really hoping for a swap or merge tonight, or at least a challenge we can excel in. Don't want it to come down to one point again.

^_^ Okay, so no important updates with this tribe! It's freaking QUIET. I haven't talked to Zach or Silver at ALL since being with this tribe. I've talked to Jules a lot and Asya some, though. I'd like to work with the two of them if possible and if we ever go to tribal here, which I don't want to do because uhhh it's worrisome! Anyway, the only actual update I have is that I found the legacy advantage!!! Randomly at like 2AM I found it. I don't remember what I was doing exactly... I think I just went to watch the Circi round 3 tribal and then the Trian round 4 tribal... and then I think I went to watch the Tribe Swap video to see if there was some sort of announcement made regarded the Oxygen Tank amounts because I was confused why that number was changed more than double. I guess I was also thinking that since the hosts didn't make an announcement that the adventure was resetting at the swap then MAYBE there would be a new twist/advantage inserted elsewhere for this next phase of the game? Now, being the crackhead that I am, of course back on original tribes, I SEARCHED everywhere on the blog that I could think of. Extenders URLs, the source code, hidden hyperlinks - everything. Nothing was there. But in this case, my brain said, hmm, let's just scroll down and see if there's anything in the description of the Tribe Swap Youtube video...and... there was!! I didn't really know what it was at first but when I opened it everything CLICKED! Finally the Reem Cameo from launch night serving a bigger purpose made total sense. After seeing this link in the description though and realizing it was calling back to something we were told about night one, I went back and checked to see if this had been hidden all along, and of course it's literally in the description of the Cast Reveal video!!! and every other video after that!!! Keeping in mind that I found this 11 days into the game, I was like, oh there's definitely some nerd that found this instantly on night 1 so I'm probably just gonna get a message saying nothing here or something like that. Obviously that wasn't the case though. I think nobody found this because I lot of people operate via mobile in these, and Youtube descriptions require an addition click to reveal what's there. Alternatively, for desktop users, who the hell is scrolling down for any reason while you're watching videos from your ORG?? It's nothing something anyone does naturally. So that explains that. Anyway, I'm happy I found it even though it has absolutely no use until Day 39. I will say though that having this and knowing that, it has really motivated me to get to the end of this game. Coincidentally, HOURS before I found this, I had a conversation with Jules about how quiet this tribe has been and that I'd like to start working towards bettering our positions moving forward seeing as there are people here with more/stronger connections than either of us. I just love that I found an advantage that motivates me to start playing this game, exactly how I'd voiced to Jules about feeling a desire to start doing SOMETHING. We love a live narrative!!!! Anyway, I'm not gonna tell Jules about the legacy advantage because it's an advantage that incentivizes people to vote out the owner and have it passed on. I trust Jules, we go YEARS back and have to successful runs as allies under our belts, but this is just something I'd like to keep to myself. Earlier today I also decided that I'm probably never gonna tell Ari about it either if our paths ever (hopefully) cross in this game. I wanna surprise my bestie! At any rate, Jules did tell me that Zach and Asya seem like the type of players that only play on tribal days (at least in this case of this game) which is fine, but I've played a few super intense, intimate, and high-stakes ORGs in the past couple of years which has made me prioritize personal relationships with people over barebones game relationships. This makes dealing with people who aren't that interested in getting to know me or revealing themselves to me a SUPER off-putting experience and a drastic change of pace from what I've become accustomed to. But I'm totally capable of adapting to this environment... I just don't necessarily prefer it. I feel like I have room to connect with Asya on a personal level if given the chance. Zach and Silver I don't know. Although, I do think that if we ever lose immunity here I could for sure spit some game to Silver that would make him believe I want to work with him. I already have an idea of how that conversation goes, and the potential negative consequence of it is practically non-existent on this swap tribe, whereas it could have backfired on me if original Trian lost that third challenge. Anyway, I'll get into that whenever we lose or if I get bored and initiate that chat just to feel something lol

No tribal ever again until merge or swap please. Jessie would be the one I'd want out and I assume Jay would as well but she has Nathan's shard so, like, he'd lose that and then I lose my hope of getting both their shards and misplaying my first idol because I'm not good at survivor

Yayyyy we won immunity. Idk what much else to say except that I got 40 fuel tanks

today i am mad and sad. lost the challenge, was my fault bc purple not pink. no i will not elaborate. now ari jonathan and i have decided to save ali and vote out keegan. i hope it goes well. i am filled with anxiety. i don’t even want keegan to go, we just have to make the decision based on the fact that we don’t want to be seen as a tight alliance going into merge, and keegan can make it look like there was a crack therefore not making us look strong. but he is just sacrificial unfortunately. but we’ll see how it goes. i’m still anxious

Wow we won what a concept See what happens when we don’t throw comps ? Anyways yeah that’s it I guess lol

Honestly I I'm done with these hoes I'm ready to vote off Keegan

This is definitely a very stressful and emotional tribal. I hate that we’re voting for Ali because he is a genuinely fantastic person and under different circumstances I think we could have worked really well together in this game. But when there’s a 4-1 tribe swap and the four of us have absolutely no beef with each other, there’s not a whole lot that can be done. None of my other 3 OG Andro players come across as big move players either. So unless I’m being straight up lied to and am about to get completely blindsided, it’s looking like a unanimous Ali boot. Which is incredibly sad. I really wanted us to win out until merge so we wouldn’t have to vote him out. But such is the game. Keegan signing off (hopefully not for the last time)

#toinfinityandsurvive

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subjectsilver · 7 years

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5:05 AM on July 23rd

i absoTonight someone got stabbed over a god damn jul pod.

but lets back up

I have been at school for a week.

I needed to get out of columbus... just like old times there was just nothing left for me there i was just killing myself because of how summer went and how i am and shit whatever. it'll be nice to temporarily go back in the winter and spring and even next summer and i can't wait until then but for now i need to not be there. I need school i need distractions i need people - i need people who are my friends but I'm not too close with - distractions are all i need right now so i don't hurt myself.

I came back to Wake and literally the first day i was here i heard 1-800-273-8255 - Logic 3 times by three separate people. Thats a fucking sign if i know it...ive never really heard that song until like that day and now i listen to it every single day...

Everyday i wake up and have running or lifting and i do that in the morning then i just sit and do nothing until playing pick up soccer at night which is kinda shitty bc fuck boredom and fuck routine but its a distraction none the less so its alright with me...

Im destroying my bank account because i have no meal plan so i eat out everyday which is like 10$ a meal cus life is expensive... but at least I'm eating i mean I'm still underweight sitting around 140lbs but I'm not getting any lighter. Tbh i was kind of getting comfortable being skinny because i love the way my baggy t shirts that are too big for me, fall on me when I'm underweight but i know inside i need to get my weight up to be healthy and like sane. but ill get there..i hope - eating as much as i can in hopes to gain weight anyway.

I knew i was forgetting something when i left - well i forgot a lot but least of all i forgot my contact case so i was sleeping in my contacts for like 5 straight days and that shit killed my eyes but i finally got a case so last night was the first time i slept without them and if i sleep tonight it'll feel good as well.

I'm trying to think about what happened this week but nothing really happens during summer school it kinda sucks. I met all the freshman guys and girls and they all seem pretty cool I've been chilling outside with them every night when were done with pick up and shit because i have nothing better to do and i like hearing conversation hearing them all talk and reading all of them. Half of them think I'm crazy because i only sleep like 4 hours a night and because my teammates tell them the stories that are my snapchat stories this summer. It is what it is ya know.

SIDENOTE andre keels is currently telling me about how he went on a date with this girl and he's low-key geeking out and its pretty funny, I'm happy for him he deserves the high that follows being low - i hope i get that eventually.

I had a really low night a couple nights ago where i just sat outside listened to jcole and smoked cigarettes by myself but i got thru it.. it just seems like when I'm doing absolutely nothing my mind takes over and i think about all the things that bother me with life or just life itself. its kinda shitty because it seems like when I'm not distracted its like a struggle to keep living like i don't understand the point of living or being alive or life in general so it confuses me why I'm here but i try not to think about it.

I thought i was a going to quit cigarettes but i literally need them not because I'm addicted but bc its something to do when I'm alone at night by myself... and i should prob get a jul pod or some shit but its so expensive and niggas are getting stabbed over it now and I'm just not about that lmao ........ I'm dying on my own terms if anything.

im not on social media really anymore. i check it every once in a while but very rarely except like writing weekly shit like i am rn or on snapchat. i guess like 5 albums came out or something and i had absolutely no idea. it's alright tho other people fill me in eventually I'm currently listening to tyler the creators new album. Its a lot better than i expected tbh.

“5 car garage....full tank of gass but that don't mean nothing nothing nothing without u in the passenger”

took a little break to smoke a cig - I'm kinda nice at it now and hitting juuls tbh despite my efforts and much coughing in the past I'm finally getting nice. with my luck ill probably get cancer or some shit but thats alright i guess (kanye hands)

anyways down to business aka the most excitement of this week SOMEONE GOT STABBED OVER A FUCKING JUUL POD

thats fucking lit and crazy and so disappointing of humanity but at the same time the greatest thing thats ever happened ever...

actually 2 people got stabbed but one kid got sliced in the finger so like that doesn't even count but the email i got said 2 people stabbed soon i mean i don't make the rules. I was chilling right i played like 2 games of pong and won both (ayeeeee) then i walked into this house and was staring out of a window i actually took a pic but this fight broke out and i turned around and everyone started leaving under the assumption cops would come... so i walked outside and i was trying to account for everyone that was there because DAD FOLDS came out and i was counting everyone and i thought i had it correct but this kid was like where is abby i think she's dead inside like passed out drunk soon despite hearing sirens i ran back inside and checked the house to find that she was not there which was good so i ran outside and started running with this kid named Sam.. so me and sammy for running through yards and bushes and shit but my shoe got caught in a bush (fuck me right) “sam go on without me live on bruv” so sam started running away... i finally got unstuck and i saw like 3 cops chasing sam so i ran the other direction around this building and on the other side i saw 4 cop cars so immediately i dipped into these bushes where i hit my face on a brick wall and copped a gnarly scratch that will not scar which is disappointing... (incase u were wondering go had a black t shirt on and not the usual white so my shit was not stained or anything thank god) so i was laying there for a good 10 seconds and i got on snapchat and scrolled thru the stories for a brief moment when i heard “sir we saw you jump in the bushes please come out” i was like fuckkkk mee so i got out with my hands up cus a nigga not trynna end up like trayvon and i backed up slowly and got handcuffed and then they patted me down found my wallet, luckily found my real ID and then put me in the car... i wait there for a little and scrolled thru snapchat behind my back and then they pulled me out and questioned me. I just claimed ignorance bc i actually didn't really know shit at all... my only lie was that i didn't know the only guy i was running with. Then they just let me go. They asked me why i was running if i didn't do anything and i was like “i wasn't trynna get stabbed and also cops these days shoot black people so i wasn't trying to be shot either” and at some point this cop was like do you have an accent where are u from and i was like uhhhh ohio? but they let me go and i walked back to campus and i saw all these freshman outside and i was like ooo go to bed y'all and we all went to bed.... then i laid there for like 2 hours before going back outside...talked to some people for a while who were out there and then skrrttted off to smoke and music and write..

present time - its 5:48 AM and someone got stabbed over a juulie like 6 hours ago thats wild....................

tomorrow or today technically I'm going to play beer die (a drinking game) [google that shit] at like 3 and then go to a team cook out and chill. should be alright.

this tyler the creator album is actually kinda nice - i actually did find some nice songs on soundcloud tho today i found a really nice piano piece that kinda calms me down in the beginning then slowly gives me anxiety... I've had a lot of anxiety lately

it seems like I'm feeling so much shit now as opposed to being numb and feeling just so dead and all the feeling at once just scares the shit out of me or makes me heart want to explode but its kinda nice to feel shit sometimes... i still have moments days where i feel absolutely nothing but it is what it is...it can't all get better at one time... I've just noticed tho that like everything use to seem weird to me like literally “this is so weird” always went thru my mind but now EVERYTHING is so scary to me like even if I'm not paying attention and someone speaks to me and the sound catches me off guard it makes me jump. its weird - haha

its getting light outside i know i need to sleep because I'm trying to get 8 hours a night even tho it doesn't always happen but I'm trying. last night i laid awake for 2 hours thinking about magic tricks. card tricks that i will eventually try on people...i created my own card tricks in my head... i have zero decks of cards rn tho which is so rare for me never really happens.

anyways - another update will come next sunday and hopefully by then i get stabbed over a juul pod by then.

6:00 AM I FUCKING HATE BUTTERFLIES.

i love you good morning.

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nerdystrawberries1489-blog · 7 years

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Updates

Right now its 11:06 pm. I just woke up from a 3 hours nap and just did all the notes for tomorrow...well majority of them bc my coresident added another patient today..uggh! But happy i got all the notes done because tomorrow I have clinic in the morning and then I am oncall and I wanna round on all these patients before I go to clinic so when I come back I just have to worry about consults. I am so excited I only have remaining of this week and up until next Friday of Floors and I am officially done with my first years of floors!!! I AM SO HAPPY! First one to finish 3 months of brutal floor and taking care of patient. I think I did a decent job handling and I think my census was a kick ass compare to everyone...at least thats what so call co residents have told me. Anyways march has been going well for most part, things have been good and I always have been having good luck on my side. Been slightly improving managing patient and handling stressful situation. I just want this month to end and next month to begin because guess what??!!! Hummus gets 2 weeks vacation finally after her last vacation being in September/October! I’m so excited...this would be a legit 2 weeks vacation. First week will be to DISNEY WORLD!!!! I AM SO EXCITED bc I am going all OUT! LIKE ALL OUT! LITERALLY! Spend 2 Grand on this vacation and I am gonna enjoy it because not sure when can I will enjoy it later. I feel like my life would be changing soon so might as well live the moment. So far everything is booked for this vacation including resort, tickets, tours, flight..etc you name it it is done!!! And today I also think I got my magic band in the mail...I am waiting to open it with Jaan when he gets home. The only thing I gotta do is start packing but I am holding off bc it’s a bit early...I still have 2 weeks. My second week will be spend at Houston, Texas with family..which I am having second thoughts bc parents are just being annoying. I am praying things will blow over regarding marriage stuff they are worried about. They don’t know when I am coming in april and part of me wants to back out LOL, but I know I need to go home and visit them bc they aren’t gonna come see me. So I Will have to be a tough cookie and make the visit and hope things are okay. But yes very looking forward to my vacation, bc it is much needed. I just know it will suck coming back to NYC and getting back to work. I mean after 2 weeks of staying away from work drama and stress it’s tough. Not looking forward to it, but I am excited to be so close in finishing first year. I think it went fast so far and I heard these 3 years fly by quickly maybe because I am constantly running around like crazy headless chicken at times. Anyways just want it to move faster so I can live my life. Only thing that bugging me right now with work is getting all my numbers so I can be worried free...just don't wanna be struggling with numbers until the end like few of the second years right now. I know it’s not a competition but you know what I mean. I know I will graduate and get my number but I do want to be the very few ones to be finished ASAP. I just want to have my life with flexibility as I go on next few years.

Work has overall been okay...just been moving along each day and taking one day at time. April will be my month in OR which I will miss 2 weeks of OR cases which hummus is a bit sad about bc there goes my number which will be stolen. And following month will be spend driving to NUMC and Southside which hummus not looking forward to at all bc those assholes will start just giving me the responsibility to handle bc I will slowly transition to that hospital for second year...so I guess hummus should just learn everything and get use to it. Plus hopefully will get numbers there too. And then June will be back at Forest Hills where I will be off service doing ID which basically is an easy month as of right now and I am looking forward to ending my first year. I would’t mind taking few days off in June. Also have 3 more days to use from my personal day which I will use in May. So yeah the first year is ending and I am excited and nervous at same time because I just hope it gets easier, but I have a feeling second year maybe little tough on me since its gonna be lot driving, but hopefully Allah will help me get through and by third year calls will be less too so life will be easy. I just wanna be done!!! Anyways work drama is same old, drama here and there and you know stupid comments made all around. Just can’t spend time writing that here bc it will go on and on. I just take things from one ear and let it go from the other ear. My goal each day to make it alive by 5 pm and leave. As long as I do my responsibility noone can be upset with me.

I am waiting for Jaan to respond to me. I know Jaan is upset with me and things are little bit off since Monday. It is hummus fault bc she can’t handle her drinks. I am sorry Jaan I have no self aware and I have decided I will no longer drink. This made it official that my disney trip will be completely innocent too cause I be all alone and I don't want to do something stupid I regret when I have noone watching me. I think I just don't realize when drink hit me hard...I have very low tolerance and I think I have no self control. I know you are upset with me and I have disappointed you and I will handle myself better from now on. Please have fate in me and Ill be more responsible. I don't want this to ruin our relationship. And I know things have been up and down with my parents slowly getting involved in my marriage issues, but plz ignore them. They are just paranoid and worried which I understand but they can’t do much except pester me. I will do what hummus do best is run away if they don't listen to me. I will be honest been avoiding my mom and just text her. Just don't want to talk to her bc now days she doesn’t let go for some reason. I am so shock that we are coming towards completing our first year together...it so crazy how its gonna be a year. I think it went by so quick Jaan! I hope we have many more years to together and hopefully still be part of you life. I know our future is still up in the air and things may not be as what we want but I want you to know I AM SO GRATEFUL TO BE PART OF YOU LIFE THUS this far and want to be part of it for next 70 years or more =P! I LOVE YOU A LOT!! Yay you finally called and I was so happy listening to your voice and you make me smile and laugh and yes I know you are still upset with me but it still make me giggly inside when I talk to you! Sorry Jaan I haven't been around as usual. I know your tired of my schedule and my habits...but I am doing my best to nap and be rested so we can spend time together. And I want to stay up tonight and help you study if you would let me and give you company. I LOVE YOU A LOT!! And I wish I was there monday night to help you but I am very sorry I was out of it. Please forgive me jaan!

You are right...writing helps me feel better. I think I just haven’t written on tumblr bc I have this overwhelming feeling inside me bc I have no idea where to start. I feel so much happens in my life at times, I just don't wanna talk about it or deal with it or there so much I wanna say but I just can't write it out and I wanna write out all my thoughts. Like my mind is running crazy. Even right now I feel like there so much I wanna talk about but I can't fully bc my mind is crazy. I wanna go into details about things that have happen, but I feel like thoughts are just jumbled or my memory sucks and I don't remember things unless someone brings up.

Anyways I do feel a lots better!!! Thank You Jaan!!! FOR EVERY THING YOU DO FOR ME! I LOVE YOU A LOT!!! MUAAAH!!!! Now gonna talk to you on the phone!

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bi-mirandalawson · 6 years

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heres 3k of cullen/romelos that im never gonna finish

in my head, they have a sort of fling inbetween corypheus’ defeat and the beginning of trespasser

its just a bit of the beginning and then the breakup bc thats. really all i wanted to write in the first place. im mostly just putting this here for continuity’s sake.

skyhold was lonely. romelos could pass time with just about anyone, but people she really connected with were few and far between. and her companions are leaving. varric heads to kirkwall soon enough, and he writes often, but its a sore replacement for his company. dorian heads to tevinter, and romelos misses his company even more than varric's. she sends him letters weekly with gossip from skyhold. some of it she makes up. cassandra leaves for the sunburst throne. blackwall just leaves, and she doesn't know why for months.

iron bull wouldn't leave unless he were kicked out, and the chargers stay with him. romelos probably spends the most of her free time with him. he is warm, and he makes her laugh, and the chargers accept her as one of their own. cole is another favorite of hers. he always has an ear to listen, and never stops offering to help. she likes taking him on missions to fix things, or to help people, although he finds ways to help no matter where he was. his happiness made her happy. she supposes he knows that.

vivienne is good company for a while. they talk at great lengths about magic, and what vivienne will do now that cassandra is divine, and what romelos will do now that the breach is closed. vivienne teaches her the power to command a room, instead of just the battlefield. she leaves for orlais, however, and though her letters are frequent at first, they grow more sparse over time. romelos knows she is busy, and sends her letters all the same. vivienne responds to groups of them at once, never skipping over anything romelos says.

sera stays for a while, but part of romelos thinks its because sera doesn't have anywhere to go back to. its not a problem though, even if romelos finds herself on the receiving end of more than one prank. josephine is a delight to have around, even if romelos can't spend a lot of time with her. they wander the gardens occasionally, and the little songs josephine hums under her breath always put a smile on romelos' face.

cullen gets more than a fair share of her time. they have game nights at least one night a week, whenever she's in skyhold, sometimes involving other people, sometimes not. they play chess, and wicked grace, and one time they try to come up with their own card game but it falls apart as soon as they try to teach someone else. sometimes there's alcohol involved, and sometimes, they get to talking so much their game falls aside, and its just conversation. easy conversation, that flows like they've been friends for ages. romelos feels more herself around him, and maybe its because she saw him at a weak point, at a point where he became unpleasant and hard to deal with. she thinks that gives her a certain permission to be weak or unpleasant around him, and still be accepted.

it is a night like this, when their cards have been set aside in favor of a bottle of rum passed back and forth, that he surprises her.

"i still dont get how he could have done that," he says, his words a little slurred, his face a little flush.

"done what?"

"left you. at that lake." ah. he was talking about solas. romelos wasn't letting herself complain about him much these days, but cullen seemed happy enough to do the complaining for her. "i mean. wasn't he supposed to be smart? pretty dumb move, if you ask me."

"how do you figure?" she leans her head on her hand and watches him with half-lidded eyes. his face is flushed deeper and he takes another generous swig from the bottle before speaking again.

"anyone with half a brain would never pass up a chance with you." he slams the bottle on the table and leans forward, locking eyes with her. "he had you, as much as you could be had, and he threw it away! what a fool!" she grabs the bottle from his hand, and notices him jump when her fingers brush his.

"what about you then, cullen?" she takes a swig. "are you a fool?"

"no!" he says immediately, a knee-jerk reaction. a second later, he says, "am i?"

"you certainly were." he is flushed all the way to his ears now. "you had a chance, you know." she pauses, and he glances at her. he looks away quickly. "i could have fallen for you, commander." she sees him swallow.

"really?"

"oh yes. do you really doubt yourself so much?"

"well you were such a dreadful flirt, especially at haven. how could i have known you were serious?" he tried to keep his tone light, but she could hear the disappointment and insecurity in his voice.

"you think i couldn't have been serious? how many people did i actually flirt with? solas, you, dorian -and you know that doesn't count. bull once or twice but thats just how he is. harding once, as a joke to lighten the mood." she takes a drink and then leans back in her chair. she sees cullen's eyes flicking between her own eyes and her lips. "i know most of those are jokes, but only because there wasn’t a sincere chance of it happening. and if it made you think i wasn't taking you seriously, i apologize. but give yourself more credit, commander."

he wrings his hands for a moment, and looks like he's chewing on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from saying every word he's thinking. finally, he lets out a chuckle and runs his hands through his hair. he stares at the ceiling, still chewing on his lip.

"i really was a fool, wasn't i?" he asks quietly, more to himself than to romelos.

"to be fair, cullen, i was too." she corks the bottle and stands up. "i think its about time i took my leave. we do have responsibilities in the morning." he says nothing as she leaves.

romelos takes the long walk back to her room in skyhold, letting the cool night air clear her head. her steps sway a little, so she stays back from the edge.

she hates when he brings up solas. romelos wants to be done talking about him. it no longer hurts to see her own reflection, and she no longer holds the hope that he will return to skyhold. she is content to let it stay in her past, but cullen, it seems, is not. and every time he brings up solas, it reminds romelos of what she and cullen almost had.

some mornings, especially after long nights with cullen, she wakes with the feeling of lips on her own, and her fingers tangled in curly blond hair. she always pushes it down, writes it off as just loneliness. or selfishness, because it would be awfully conceited to think he would still be interested in her after so long.

neither of them speak of that conversation. cullen averts his gaze when romelos walks in to the war room, but is otherwise normal. over the next few days, though, she can't tell if he is avoiding her on purpose or if he's just busy. she doesn't see him for more than a few minutes, but he agrees to meet her in the garden for a game of chess later, so she tries not to think too much about it. the sun is just setting when cullen joins her in the garden. he apologizes for being so late, says that he was waist deep in supply requisitions and leave requests and unfinished reports, and josephine would not let him leave until it was sorted through. romelos laughs.

"you know, if you did your paperwork before it got up to your waist, it wouldn't be such an ordeal." she makes the first move. he is quick to counter.

"you say that as if you've never been swimming in un-filed forms."

they go back and forth for a while. romelos lights a lantern when the sun disappears completely below the horizon. it is full dark when they finish their game (romelos wins, not that it matters, nor does she gloat). the moon is full and illuminates the garden in silver light.

"walk the battlements with me? the sky is pretty tonight," cullen says. "the sky is pretty every night, but.. the moon is full?" his voice gets quieter and his hand shoots up to the back of his neck. romelos smiles.

"sure."

she points out constellations, telling him the dalish stories associated with them. he tells her the names and stories the chantry taught him, how he found comfort in picking them out of the sky whenever he was travelling. they fall in to pleasant silence, looking out at the moonlight reflecting on the snow-capped mountains.

"i wanted to.. apologize." though he is nervous, he manages to look at romelos while speaking. "it was inappropriate to bring up solas. i consider you a friend, romelos, but your romantic involvements are your own personal business, and i crossed a line."

she is.. surprised. she had expected them both to just ignore what had happened. she certainly hadn't expected an apology.

"it's alright," she says. "i dont know if you crossed a line so much as there really never.. was a line? we've always been too familiar with each other." she wants it to sound reassuring, but is afraid it sounds like its even more of a problem.

"oh," cullen says. she watches him process what she said, sees his brows knit together in thought. "you're right. we never had much of a professional distance. i didn't realize how deeply the problem ran until now. i apologize again, lavellan, and i will take my leave. im sure you have a busy day tomorrow and you should get a full night's sleep." he starts to walk past her towards his room and she grabs his arm.

"cullen, wait." he stops with no struggle. "thats not what i meant." her voice is soft. she wants to look down but forces herself to look up at his face. he is watching her closely and her heart beats faster. "i don't want a 'professional distance'." that was what she had with solas, after he left her at the lake. she couldn't bear the thought of cullen only calling her 'inquisitor' or only talking to her about inquisition responsibilities. he takes her hand gently. he is smiling.

"good. neither do i." he leans down, closing his eyes, and romelos stands on her tip toes to reach him. his lips are chapped, and he seems like he's afraid to mess it up, or afraid that she will push him away. she does the opposite - she places a hand on the back of his neck, threading her fingers in to the hair she's dreamed about, and pulls him down, pressing their lips closer.

when they finally step apart, they're both red in the face and grinning. his hair is mussed and his lips are red from kissing, and romelos thinks he's never looked more handsome.

"i uh, really do have to get some sleep," she says. "we're leaving for the emprise tomorrow morning. but i'll see you first thing when i get back."

"i'm sure i'll see you before you leave. sleep well, romelos." he turns to walk away and gives her a small awkward wave. she laughs a little and returns it, and practically floats to her room.

---

"so, you and the commander, huh?" bull asks as soon as their out of the gates of skyhold.

"how did you-" she starts, but then realizes.

"ben-hassrath," they say together.

"he had this look on his face, directed specifically at you." cole is listening intently. "was he good?" romelos flushed redder than her hair and almost fell off her hart.

"what do you mean? we haven't-" she sputters and iron bull lets out a roaring laugh.

"no, i figured you hadn't. the commander doesn't seem like the type to rush in to the sack. you don't either, for that matter. but you've kissed right? is he a good kisser?"

"he's a fine kisser, though i cant see how its any of your business," she says, glaring at him out of the corner of her eyes.

"curling fingers through curling hair, lips soft and secure. you never wanted to stop."

"cole!" romelos shouts. bull laughs. she nudges her hart forward and keeps herself 10 feet ahead of them until they stop to camp.

---

when they get back to skyhold, romelos finds a hot bath in her room, and a roaring fire in the fireplace. there is a bottle of wine, a soft towel, and a folded note on the little table beside the tub. she strips and sinks in to the hot water, exhaling at the sharp contrast against her icy skin. it is the perfect temperature, and the tension seeps out of her stiff legs and back. after her body is warmed through and through, she pours herself a glass of wine and picks up the note.

thought you would need something to warm you up after time in the emprise. if you need something stronger than a hot bath and some wine, ive got a brand new bottle of spiced rivaini rum in my quarters. would love to hear about your trip over a couple of glasses and a game of cards.

cullen

she smiles and her stomach is warm without even touching the wine. how thoughtful. she would have to join him later. for now, she was content to sink lower in to the water, to close her eyes and listen to the crackling fire.

in her state of relaxation, romelos almost falls asleep. she forces her eyes open, and stands up out of the water. she dries herself before she steps out and gets dressed. it is not very late, so cullen should still be awake. she thinks he might even stay up for her, if it is later than she thinks. romelos grabs a heavy cloak and starts walking to his quarters. the moon is just a sliver hanging low in the sky. the wind is cold and harsh, telling of a cruel winter approaching.

she knocks a couple times on the door before walking in. cullen is sitting at his desk, two empty glasses in front of him. he smiles and gestures her to sit down across from him. in the time it takes to hang her coat and sit down, the glasses are full of dark rum. she takes a sip of the nicest rum she's ever had. it must have been expensive. she wonders if cullen bought it just for her. he deals cards between the two of them and asks about her trip.

she tells him between sips of rum, and they pass the hours like they pass cards back and forth. she laughs, and she makes him blush, and she stays until she is struggling to keep her eyes open. there is a small smile on cullen's face when he sees her head bob forward before she jerks it back up, snapping her eyes open.

"i'll walk you back to your room," he says. she wobbles to her feet, having drunk more than she had planned on. after watching her struggle with the clasp on her cloak, cullen steps in and fastens it for her. he smells like the spices on the rum and the spices in his cologne. in the back of her mind, she remembers that he only wears cologne on special occasions. the thought that this was a special night makes her stomach flip. she fights the urge to press herself against his chest and inhale. then she thinks 'fuck it' and does it anyway.

cullen's hands hover over her shoulders. romelos' hands wrap around his waist and she hums happily as she inhales the spicy-sweet cologne.

"uh.. romelos?"

she quickly releases her grip on his waist and steps back. her immediate fear is that she has overstepped a boundary, that she has pushed unwanted affection on him.

"you smell good. you're wearing your fancy cologne." from the alcohol, her words feel thick like molasses on her tongue. he smiles tenderly.

"since you like it so much, i should wear it more often." he offers her his arm and leads her slowly across the battlements towards the rotunda. she leans heavily on him, but he doesn't mind.

"i would like that but," but she's sure its expensive and she doesn't want him to spend money to impress her. "if you wore it all the time, it wouldn't be your fancy cologne. it would just be normal. i like that it's special." they cut through the rotunda, and now that solas isn't here all night studying, the room isn't kept lit at night. the light from the library filters down and she can barely make out the mural on the wall. it makes her stomach clench. she looks down at her hand grasping cullen's arm.

"well, if you say so. maybe we just need more special occasions at skyhold." he walks her to the door in the corner and quiet descends on them. she doesn't want to say good night.

"tell josephine. i'm sure she would be able to find an excuse for another party."

---

"i don't think.. we can do this anymore." romelos speaks quietly and the words fall hollow from her lips. the words feel as empty as she does.

"what do you mean? what's wrong?" the hurt in cullen's voice is immediate, and she had prepared herself for it but it still cut her through.

"i don't think im... capable of being in a relationship." she looks at him and regrets it. if she thought the hurt in his voice was bad, the hurt on his face was worse. she could have physically stabbed him and his face wouldn't hold as much pain as it did right then.

"is this about solas?" another dagger of ice to her stomach.

"a little. it's mostly about me, though. and you. you deserve better, and you deserve someone who can commit to you, and i can't do that."

"okay," he says, his voice wavering. she can hear how hard he's working to keep it flat. "i can't make you love me, no matter how badly i want to."

#writing tag #oc: romelos #my inquisitors

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