#listen if you believe and dream with all your heart it can still be 2022 okay
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@redvsbluesecretsanta present for @stickylizardcave! why is it so late? well you see. i am very bad at deadlines. i
you asked for poly blue team but I wasn’t sure who you wanted included in that so I just went with the classic bluet4 with a focus on epsilon/wash and church being over protective. hope you like it!
EDIT: now also available to read on ao3 if you prefer to read stuff there
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Nothing Wrong
Post-15 Epsilon lives AU.
The boys go on a date to the beach, working through the new relationship dynamics recent events may have caused. Even though it may not be perfect at times, in the end, they know that there really is nothing wrong.
“HEY ASSHOLE, YOU EVER HEARD OF WATCHING WHERE YOU’RE FUCKING GOING?”
“Church.”
“YOU’RE JUST GONNA KEEP WALKING, HUH? I KNOW YOU HEAR ME MOTHERFUCKER!”
“Church.”
“OH, TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO EVEN TURN AROUND! YOU EVER HEARD OF FUCKING APOLOGIZING?”
“Epsilon!”
“WHAT!?”
Wash stared at him, completely unamused.
“Wh- don’t get mad at me! That guy’s big ass bag smashed right the fuck into you! He could’ve hurt you!”
“The only thing hurting me is your screechy voice giving me a headache. Sit down.” Wash pulled him down and Church begrudgingly followed, grumbling about how he did not have a screechy voice, you have a screechy voice. The unamused stare turned ever so slightly more amused.
“Who are we yelling at?” Tucker approached the table, tray filled with their food. Wash reached out to grab his share before hesitating. Tucker handed him his fries and milkshake.
“I was not yelling.” They both stared at him, unconvinced. “That loud.”
Tucker laughed, “You were so loud the whole boardwalk could hear you.”
Church looked around. Sure enough, there will still a few people looking their way. He felt a twinge of embarrassment but, whatever, at least people knew not to fucking bother them.
“Some asshole smashed his giant fucking bag directly into Wash’s head.”
“No!” Tucker put his hand to his chest.
“Yes! He could’ve given him a concussion!”
Wash rolled his eyes. “A concussion? Really?”
“We don’t know what was in the bag! It could’ve been fucking, bowling balls!”
“He was carrying around bowling balls.”
“Maybe!”
“To the beach.”
“I don’t- I don’t know what fucking humans are doing these days!”
“No, no,” Tucker interjected, “he’s right, Wash, this is serious.”
“Thank you!”
“Hitting people with bags? This guy sounds like a serious threat.” In one swift motion Tucker removed his sword from his hip and turned it on. “You want me to go take him out?”
Wash laughed. Church glared.
“I don’t know, Tucker,” Wash said, expression now squarely in amused, “guy seems pretty dangerous. Heard he might have bowling balls.”
“Baby, you know I’d face the danger for you.”
“Oh, shove it up your asses.” They both laughed. Whatever.
Tucker turned off his sword and clipped it back into the holder on his hip.
“Where’s Caboose?” Church said, definitely not trying to change the subject.
“Still getting food.” Tucker started unwrapping his burger. “You know he orders like 50 meals. I’m not helping him carry all that shit back.”
“Wow, a real Prince Charming.” Church snarked.
Wash poked at his fries. “Should we wait for him to start?”
“Mmph?” Tucker replied, mouth already full of burger.
“Right.” Wash took a sip of his milkshake.
Church looked around for Caboose. The boardwalk wasn’t too crowded; most people weren’t having beach dates at noon on a Thursday. Even if it was, Caboose wouldn’t have been too hard to find, with his tendency to tower over the crowds. Sure enough, Church was easily able to spot by the food stands, chatting up a confused but amiable looking employee. His tray was already filled with snacks from one stand, eagerly waiting for more. About half of that food would probably end up on the ground during the walk over. Church wondered if that was why he always got so much.
“This is really good.” Wash eagerly sucked up his milkshake.
Tucker looked contemplative as he stared at the straw in Wash’s mouth, but seemed to decide against whatever he was thinking about, instead saying, “Yeah, it’s you’re favorite.”
“Oh.”
“Passionfruit and chocolate. You get it all the time.”
“Right.” Wash took his notepad out of his pocket and started reading through it. “Right,” he nodded slowly. “I guess I have pretty good taste.”
Church frowned.
“Yeah, it's Church’s favorite, too.”
“What? No!” Church recoiled. “That shit’s nasty. I hate chocolate mixed with fruit.”
Tucker laughed.
Wash scoffed. “Well, you don’t have to drink it.”
“Good! I fucking won’t!”
They continued to eat in quiet, for a moment.
Wash read through his notepad again, flipping through a few pages, brow furrowed. “We… come to the beach a lot?” Wash asked.
“Huh? Uh, no?” Tucker replied.
“You said I get this all the time.”
“Oh. No, the burger place, it’s a franchise, there’s one by your house-”
“Right. Right.” Wash flipped through his pages again. “I remember that, that makes a lot more sense.” He jotted something down.
“I wish we went to beach all the time.”
Church’s frown deepened. He looked over to Caboose, hoping to find him finally ready. The employee was helping him carefully balance his tray.
“Hey, Church, you wanna bite?”
“Huh?”
Tucker waved his nearly finished burger in Church’s face.
“Shake’s vanilla, too. Nothin’ fancy.”
“Uh, no.”
“You sure? It’s a good fucking burger.”
Church rolled his eyes. “It’s a burger from a fucking beach food stand, how good can it be.”
“It’s local.”
“It’s fast food. Besides, I’ve had it before.”
Tucker shrugged. “Your loss.”
Wash jotted something down.
“Ummmm.”
The trio looked up to see Caboose walking up to them, tray precariously stacked high. The cheerful looking employee from before was looking slightly less cheerful now, as she walked with Caboose to the table, trying to keep him balanced.
“I think it is actually called ‘fast casual.’ Right Junie?”
“Uhh, sure, please just, oh god.” A burger rolled off the tray and down the boardwalk. Junie watched it go with an expression that screamed ‘I am not being paid enough to do this.’ Church decided he liked her.
“Tucker, for gods sake, help them.”
“Wh- I’m eating!”
“It’s okay!” Caboose made the last few long strides to quickly drop the tray down on the table. To absolutely no one’s surprise, a large soda immediately tipped over. “Oops.”
“CABOOSE!”
“FUCK!”
“Nooooooooo...”
Church’s reflexes immediately grabbed for Wash’s notepad, keeping it dry and out of harm’s way. Tucker wasn’t nearly so lucky, cola coating the remainder of his fries and all over his shirt. Church started cracking up.
Junie looked absolutely crestfallen. “We were. So close.”
“Hey,” Church laughed, “you did better than he usually does.”
“I’ll go… get some napkins.”
Wash started to say she didn’t have to but she was already gone.
“That’s my new friend Junie!” Caboose already stopped caring about the carnage that laid before him, instead starting to shove a burger into his mouth. “She has a cat!”
“Yeah, great, you got soda all over my fucking shirt.” Tucker was wringing his shirt out over the side of the table.
“It’s the beach.” Caboose said simply.
Tucker considered that for a moment before shrugging and taking off his shirt.
Church looked away, flustered at his boyfriend suddenly being shirtless next to him.
Wash had no such shame, staring openly at Tucker’s chest as he sipped his shake.
“Here’s your book.” Church shoved it back at Wash’s face.
“Oh,” Wash took and put it back in his pocket. “Thanks for being quick about it.”
“Well, I’d be the one to restore it if it got messed up anyway. My actions are purely selfish.”
Wash rolled his eyes. “Sure, you don’t care about anyone or anything.”
“Exactly.”
“NAPKINS.” A pile of cotton was dropped onto the table. Junie started to mop up the still uncleaned soda.
“Oh, you really don’t have to—” Wash started.
“THANK YOU!!” Caboose interrupted, punctuating his words with wide hand movements. “Uh oh.”
Another cup of soda took the brunt of Caboose’s backhand. Its precarious lid was no match for the strength at which it was struck to the table. Soda exploded outwards from it, drenching the mountain of once dry napkins into a flattened, sticky mound. Tucker’s bare chest, on proud display, was blasted yet again by the syrupy liquid, with nothing to protect its second barrage of nectar of the day.
“CABOOSE!”
“Oops!”
“Oooooaaaggghhh.” Junie collapsed in despair at witnessing the carnage.
“You really don’t have to clean this.”
Church just put his head in his hands. Sometimes he really didn’t know how he was in love with these idiots.
---
Church stabbed angrily at the sand.
Wash watched him with a judgmental eye. “You need some help with that?”
“I got it.”
“You gotta spin it.” Tucker supplied unhelpfully.
“I got it.”
“I think you should dig the hole deeper.” Caboose chimed in. Tucker muttered something about deep holes under his breath.
“I! Am an advanced military AI! I know how to stick a fucking umbrella in the sand!” To prove his point, Chirch quickly calculated and, in one swift, smooth motion, stabilized the umbrella. “See!”
Tucker laughed and continued undressing.
Wash smirked at him, “Tell Delta I said thanks for the help.”
“Wh- hey!”
“Hi Delta!” Caboose cheerfully waved.
“Delta’s not here! Because I am on a date.” He said, half to Caboose, half to himself.
You’re welcome, Delta logged off. Church mentally flipped him off.
“Bye, Delta!”
“Go, put on your sunscreen, Caboose.”
“Okay!” Caboose started digging in his bag.
A bottle of sunscreen smacked Church in face.
“You wanna use those advanced military AI skills to slather me up?” Tucker said, attempting to be seductive.
“Oh my god.” Church looked over at Tucker and rolled his eyes. The man was wearing what Church had to assume was the tiniest swimsuit he could buy. “Can’t you wear something normal?”
“This is a totally normal swimsuit, you’re just a prude.”
“I am not a prude.”
“Oh yeah? Then come rub me up,” Tucker winked.
Church beaned him with the sunscreen. “Do it yourself. My skin doesn’t absorb that shit, it’d just stick to my hands.”
“Aw, come on, you won’t get your hands all creamy for me?” To punctuate his point, Tucker started to pose in what Church assumed Tucker assumed was a seductive way.
"You sound like Donut." Church was definitely not seduced, he assured himself as he blushed and looked away.
“Give me the sunscreen, I’ll do it.” Dammit, Church hadn’t considered that Wash would be seduced instead.
Tucker shrugged, “As long as I’m getting sunscreened by a beautiful man, I’ll take it.”
Wash scoffed, pulling him down, “Glad to know I’m your second choice.”
Church rolled his eyes and looked away from his partners. Because he was annoyed by Tucker’s shenanigans and definitely not because he would be way too embarrassed to watch his boyfriends rub each other up in public, of course.
“Done!”
Caboose shoved his sunscreen into Church’s hands.
“Why are you giving it to me?”
Caboose just smiled and shrugged, and Church started to suspect that the man was not, in fact, done.
Sure enough, Church adjusted his eyesight to focus on UV and large splotches of Caboose’s body were completely uncovered.
“Caboose! You didn’t get most of you!”
“Oh no,” Caboose replied, with not even a hint of distress, “Guess you will have to do it for me.”
Church glared. “You do this on purpose, you little shit.”
Caboose simply grinned and spread his arms.
Well, whatever. Caboose preferred the spray sunscreen, claiming it made him less oily, so at least Church could put this on.
Church started spraying an even, uniform coating, making sure to cover every inch of Caboose’s skin. Which necessitated a great deal of attention paid to every inch of Caboose’s skin. Caboose wore board shorts, which left more to the imagination that Tucker’s glorified thong, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t still a lot of skin. From his legs, his back, his chest. Church had long since committed it all to memory, but, well, nothing wrong with a refresher.
As Church finished, he gave Caboose a once over to make sure everything was covered. And maybe his gaze lingered a little too long in his partner’s body. And maybe Church was struck by wondering how on Earth he got here, to be dating someone like Caboose, like Tucker and Wash. To be a beach applying sunscreen to his boyfriend as if there was nothing wrong. And, maybe, just maybe, there was nothing wrong.
His gaze moved upwards and caught Caboose’s, who was staring at him expectantly.
Church jumped backwards.
“Uh, there. Now you’re done.”
Caboose took a step forward, reclosing the gap between them.
“Thank you!”
Before Church could realize what was happening, Caboose was pulling him in for a kiss. He tensed at the unexpected contact but quickly relaxed, letting himself fall into Caboose’s soft lips. It was nice. Church forgot sometimes how nice it was when something was nice.
A click of camera shutter went off. Church pulled away to see Tucker aiming his camera at him and Caboose.
Church sputtered. “You can’t just— I didn’t say you could— how dare you— delete that picture.”
“No way man, that was cute as hell.”
Church tried to grab the camera from him but Tucker easily maneuvered it out of his reach. Their struggle quickly turned into a grapple, which quickly turned into full on wrestling in the sand.
Caboose picked up the camera, swiftly abandoned as their fight changed into one of dominance, and sat down next to Wash.
“Do you need to be sunscreened?” Caboose asked, taking pictures of the fight before him.
“Ah, no, I’m all right, I’ve been reapplying every couple of hours.”
“Ohh, that’s smart.”
“Yeah, my skin’s not used to the sun.”
Caboose and Wash watched their two boyfriends wrestle in the sand. It was not a sophisticated fight, nothing like what you’d expect from who are supposed to Chorus’ top operatives. Just two men, desperately trying to get on top of the other.
“It’s impressive that something can be so homoerotic and yet so unsexy,” Wash commented.
“Mm,” Caboose agreed, putting the camera down. “I’m bored.”
Caboose stood up and walked over to the fight. He easily lifted Tucker off of the other man.
“Hey!”
“I want to go in the water now.”
Saying that, Caboose, still holding Tucker, made his way towards the ocean. Tucker protested and struggled but was no match for a Caboose on a mission.
Church wiped himself off. Oh god, he was fucking covered in sand. It was down his pants, up his shirt, caked in his hair. He was pretty sure it was- oh, fucking hell.
“FUCK SAND.” Church yelled in protest as he angrily stomped his way back onto the blanket.
“We’re at the beach. What were you expecting?”
“Fuck you!” Church flipped him off. “It got fucking, inside me.”
“Inside you?”
“In my fucking… mechanisms!” Church gestured towards his torso. “In my wires! Do you know what it’s like to have tiny grain of sands in your fucking bits?”
Wash frowned. “That sounds… awful”
“It is! My life in an unceasing hell of my own fucking creation.”
“Is it dangerous?” Wash looked more concerned than Church had meant to engender.
“Uh,” Church felt a little sheepish. “No, probably not. Just… really uncomfortable.”
“That’s good.”
“Wow. glad you’re happy at my discomfort.”
Wash rolled his eyes. “Epsilon.”
Church huffed. He was allowed to be overdramatic about this. There was sand in his bits.
“Can I help clean in some way?”
Church felt his brain short circuit. The idea of Wash’s hands inside him. Church completely opened up as Wash’s hands delicately cleaned his internals. Brushing against wires and servos. Church’s most vital parts exposed to him. Incredibly vulnerable. Incredibly intimate.
Church felt dirty for even thinking of it in public.
“Um, n-no, I’d go to a, I’d have to get my body professionally cleaned. Not by you. When I’m not in it.”
Wash nodded. “Well, as long as it can get cleaned.”
Church needed to look anywhere but Wash right now. He opted to watch Tucker and Caboose instead.
They’d made it in only a little, water seemingly to cold for them to want go further. Tucker kicked some water up at Caboose, who in turn picked him up and chucked him into the deeper water. Church could hear the yelp from here. Tucker immediately started trying to pull Caboose down with him.
Wash chuckled, and Church turned to see him watching them too.
Wash turned to meet his gaze. “Are you not going in?” He asked.
“I’m a robot, Wash. Me and water don’t exactly agree.”
“Right, right.”
“You?” Church asked, though he already knew the answer.
Wash shook his head. “Not a big fan of the ocean.”
“Yeah.” Church said. “Honestly, kinda surprised you even agreed to a beach date.”
Wash laughed, “Hey, me too. Would love to remember what I was thinking when I did.”
Church looked away. He stared at Tucker and Caboose, not really registering their actions. He felt— no, he didn’t feel anything. Nothing was wrong. He was on a beach date with his boyfriends and there was nothing wrong.
It was silent, between them, for a moment. Then two. Then too long, for the silence to be comfortable, but Church didn’t have anything to say.
Wash was the one to break it. “Is it okay for you to be in the sun like that?”
“What? Yes? I don’t have skin like you do, I don’t burn.”
“I know you don’t burn.”
“The why are you asking—”
“Because you do overheat.”
Church scoffed. He was not overheating… yet. “I am fine. I have a state of the art cooling system”
“Your ‘state of the art cooling system’ overheats when you’re cuddling with Caboose.”
“Caboose runs abnormally hot!”
“Just,” Wash sighed and scooted over, “come under the umbrella.
Church frowned. “I had that perfectly angled to keep you out of the sun for as long as possible.”
“Well, tell Delta thanks for effort, but I’m moving so my boyfriend can sit with me.”
Church huffed, but relented, angrily sitting next to him. “I am perfectly capable of calculating the angle of the sun by myself.” He informed Wash.
Wash put his arm around Church’s waist. “I’m sure you are.”
They sat like that for a moment, looking out at their boys in the water. They were comfortably further out now, and seemed to have turned throwing Tucker into a game. Church didn’t know how they weren’t getting yelled at by some lifeguard yet, but figured that being the saviors of the planet might have some perks.
Wash pulled Church tighter. Church looked over at the other man, and their lips locked. And if Church had to wonder how he got here with Caboose he couldn’t even begin to marvel at how he ended up like this. Like this, with Wash.
With Wash.
Wash pulled away slightly, their faces still so, so close. They stared each other in the eyes and Church never wanted to leave this moment.
“Are you… all right?”
“Me?” and just like that, they had left the moment. “I’m- I’m fine. Why are you asking that?”
Wash hesitated, seeming to considering his words carefully. “You… didn’t eat Tucker’s burger earlier.”
“What? Why the hell do you remember that?”
“I… wrote it down.”
“Why would you write that down?”
Wash considered his words again, and it bothered Church in a way he couldn’t define. Just say it, he wanted to say. Just talk. But he kept quiet, allowing Wash the space to consider.
“Carolina says you haven’t wanted to join her for missions lately.”
“What? I join her all the time.”
“Not in her armor. And you used to piggyback of Tucker and Caboose more, too. You haven’t been wanting to leave your body. Not even for a milkshake.”
Church ignored the accusations and avoided the question, focusing instead on, “You talk about me with Carolina?”
“Of course.” Wash said, staring at Church like it was a stupid question. “She’s worried about you.”
Church winced, the sentence hitting him with guilt like he was being struck by the butt of a gun. “Well, she shouldn’t be, okay? It’s not a big deal. I just, I like independence.”
“You also like milkshakes.”
“Yeah, well, I’m… watching my figure.”
Wash laughed, and Church laughed with him. It was nice, to make Wash laugh. It wasn’t something Church would eve have imagined he was capable of.
“I promise I’m fine, okay? Stop worrying about me.”
Wash looked at him for a moment, expression unreadable to Church. Finally, he shook his head, saying, “You’re lucky that I know you’re not.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you have been incredibly over protective and annoying lately and if I didn’t know you weren’t okay I wouldn’t be putting up with it.”
Church rolled his eyes. “I am not overprotective and annoying”
���Oh yeah?” Wash flipped through some pages of his notepad and held it out to Church. “Then explain this.”
Epsilon has been incredibly overprotective and annoying lately. He’s lucky I know he’s not okay or I wouldn’t be putting up with it.
Church glared at the notebook. “I’m gonna rip that page out.”
“That’s fine. I would never forget how annoying you are.”
“All right.” Church moved to get up in a huff before Wash pulled him back down.
“Come on, don’t go, I’m kidding. Well, sort of.”
“Yeah yeah yeah.” Church folded his arms and grumbled angrily as he settled back into Wash. “Aren’t we on a date? Why the hell are we trying to talk about my problems? Can’t we just relax?”
Wash sighed, but gave Church a soft smile. “Fair enough.” He pulled away from Church, lying down.
“Come relax?” He pat his chest, gesturing for Church to lie with him.
Church blushed, flustered by Wash’s bare chest, but— oh, whatever. They were on a beach date. A little skin on skin never hurt anyone.
Church laid his head on Wash’s chest, almost instantly soothed by the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. He was always tracking it, of course, always making sure that all his loved ones vital signs were in an acceptable range. But it was different to be pressed against him, to feel the vibrations against his own skin. To have Wash’s hand carding through his hair. To have his own gently stroking Wash’s waist.
Maybe the question of how he managed to get here was impossible for him to answer. But maybe, in just this moment, the question didn’t matter as much as the fact. The fact that he was here.
They were here.
And they stayed there, so comfortable in the shade of the perfectly angled umbrella, until…
A click of a camera shutter went off.
“Cute as hell.”
Church looked up to see Tucker standing above them, camera in hand, still soaking wet.
“You motherfucker.”
Church started to get up to beat the shit out of Tucker, but the hand in his hair tightened around him, holding him in place.
“Hey!”
“I thought you wanted to relax?” Wash teased, not even bothering to open his eyes to look at him.
As Church wrestled against Wash’s grip and his two other boyfriends cheered them on. Church was struck by how much he hated these people. And by how much he loved these people.
And maybe, right now, things weren’t all right. But maybe, eventually, hopefully, in the end, there really will be nothing wrong.
#epsilon church#agent washington#lavernius tucker#michael caboose#churchington#chuckingboose#fanfic#fic#latest man in the WORLD#sorry ;-; hope it is good enough to make up for it#red vs blue secret santa 2022#rvb secret santa 2022#listen if you believe and dream with all your heart it can still be 2022 okay#chromatic writing
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everytime i listen to picture me better by weyes blood i can't help but think of young vets buck and bucky. my heart hurt everytime i think of those boys. you've written them so perfectly. <3
what are some songs you associate with either of them?
heyy sorry it took me so long to get to this (and everything else in my box)- it’s finals szn at my law school and my brain is gonna be at like- total capacity till next thursday at 5pm central time. buttttt. i am big music as a story mood setter person so lotsss of thoughts. gonna focus on young vets au here, but i can make another similar post for show canon if ppl like this? im biggg into oldies music so that would actually be fun to me!
disclaimer: re: the young vets au the “veterans” part of the story takes place starting in august 2021 after the us pulled out of afghanistan. If you see a song and think “but wait that didn't come out until this year so they couldn't listen to that in 2022/2023” simply work with me here and don’t think that <3 LOL.
bucky
biggg zach bryan person and i think in general really likes that specific niche of “new age” country music. gets *irritated* by the hardcore conservative military country music lmfao, those vets that go hard in the sand for songs like courtesy of the red white and blue? not his people. that song gives him hives. also a big fleetwood mac guy, just scratches an itch on his brain. likes florence + the machine too.
east side of sorrow - zach bryan
i lost friends in the august heat / at night it was God I'd always meet / i said, "Lord, won't you bring me home? / i've got women in the west i wanna hold
oklahoma smokeshow - zach bryan
there's so much whiskey in his coke it'll make her nose bend / but she swears that his love is a damn God send / she's known God since she was a child
el dorado - zach bryan
you used to say you'd settle down / but that kind girl from school in town /she was gone before you got back home
to El Dorado, hell if I know if you're still alive /there's a note in the glovebox in your drive / El Dorado, hell if they know the difference in a hero / and a man i wish was still by my side
burn, burn, burn - zach bryan
i wanna be a child climbin' trees somewhere / breathin' in the fresh outside air / before I knew this life was unkind
you should probably leave - chris stapleton
sun on your skin, 6 am /and i been watchin' you sleep / and honey, i'm so afraid you're gonna wake up and say / that you should probably leave
me against the mountain - ian munsick
it’s me against the mountain / most days the mountain wins / but i’ll meet you tonight my love or i’ll meet my end / either way an angel’s waitin when i fought this fight
painkillers - rainbow kitten surprise
living just comes with a bit of heartache / heartache comes with a bit of young faith / faith stays young till your heart get broken / hope grows up to become someday / i never hurt no one and no one will ever hurt me / i believe i believe i believe i believe
motorcycle - colter wall
well, i figure i'll buy me a motorcycle / wrap her pretty little frame around a telephone pole / ride her off a mountain like old arlo
physco - jack kittel
don't hand me johnny's pup, mama / 'cause i might squeeze him too tight / i'm having crazy dreams again, mama
go your own way - fleetwood mac
if i could / baby, i’d give you my world / open up / everything's waiting for you
third eye - florence + the machine
i'm the same / i'm the same / i'm trying to change
astrovan - mt. joy
he said son you're famous in heaven / maybe you're famous in heaven / maybe there is no heaven / maybe we're all along together now / but i don't wanna see those tears again / you know Jesus drives an astrovan
gold dust woman - fleetwood mac
take your silver spoon, dig your grave / heartless challenge / pick your path and i'll pray
all these things that i’ve done - the killers
i got soul / but i'm not a solider
between me and you - brandon flowers
the first time that i saw your face / time stood still / i found my place / now i'm watching it tear out of my arm
gale
listens to zach bryan for bucky but his country music niche is more on the tyler childers side of things. likes older music too bc it’s what his mom would play around the house and he finds it comforting. i think he likes pop music more than bucky does lol, bucky ribs him a lil about some of it but he finds it endearing. the taste they share the most i think is the fleetwood mac and the killers/brandon flowers stuff.
follow you to virgie - tyler childers
back when all us boys were tryin' / to make sense of all these string / i can see her in the corner / singing along to all our crazy dreams
coal - tyler childers
so sometimes, i imagine that I'm getting pretty close to hell / and in my darkest hour, i cry out to the Lord / he says, "keep on a-mining, boy, 'cause that's why you were born
nose on the grindstone - tyler childers
well daddy, i've been tryin', i just can't catch a break / there's too much in this world that i can't seem to shake / but i remember your words, lord, they bring me the chills / keep your nose on the grindstone and out of the pills
folsom prison blues - johnny cash
i bet there's rich folks eatin' from a fancy dinning car /they're prob'ly drinkin' coffee and smoking big cigars / well i know i had it comin' i know i can't be free / but those people keep a movin' and that's what tortures me
old rugged cross - alan jackson (i’ve made a woowoo post about this before/bucky being gale’s cross to carry but. in my mind he listens to this on the drive home when bucky’s in the hospital. has to pull over to cry a lil. sweet boy.)
to the old rugged cross i will ever be true / it's shame and reproach gladly bear
where we’ll never grow old - johnny cash
when our work here is done / and our life's crown is won / and out troubles and trials are o'er / all our sorrows will end / and our voices will blend / with the loved ones who've gone on before
(sittin on’) the dock of the bay - otis redding
sittin' here resting my bones / and this loneliness won't leave me alone / it's two thousand miles i roamed / just to make this dock my home
wouldn’t it be nice - the beach boys
oh we could be married / and then we'd be happy / woudn't it be nice?
the chain - fleetwood mac
listen to the wind blow, down comes the night / running in the shadows / damn your love / damn your lies
romeo and juliet - the killers
i can't do the talk like the talk on the TV / and i can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be / i can't do everything but i'd do anything for you / i can't do anything except be in love with you
xo - beyonce
in the darkest night hour (in the darkest night hour) / i'll search through the crowd (i'll search through the crowd) / your face is all that i see / i'll give you everything
if i ain't got you - alicia keys
said nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing / if i ain't got you with me, baby
sweet escape - gwen stefani
come on let's bounce / counting on you to turn me around / instead of clowning around / let's look for some common ground
come on over baby - christina aguilera
now baby don't be shy / you better cross the line / i'm gonna love you right / all i want is you
the clock was tickin’ - brandon flowers
jackie flips the pages and she dreams little dreams / a cottage in the country built with real wood beams / there's a baby in the bedroom, he's starting to scream / she holds him though he probably won't remember it
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A Boy Name Thomas A.K.A.(Lazarus)- 80's AU
A Tom Hardy X Violet(FemOC) Story
A/N: HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!!!🥳🎉🍾🎇🙌🏼 I hope you all are or had a wonderful New Year with family and friends I want to end the last day of 2022 with this mini blurp that I thought would be a nice idea. So it just came into mind while I was listening to the Black Celebration album by Depeche Mode. But it also inspired me by this photo of a young Tom Hardy with his baby face down below👇🏼Thank you for this wonderful photo that I am happy to share with you all. I hope you enjoy it as always and please comment, like, and reblog it'll help the page thank you to all of my 200 followers as of right now. For your support and for reading my stories. I'll see you all in 2023 guys and once again Happy New Year.
Summary: On one magical night in Oxford two unique characters from different backgrounds, a singer and a fan together share a lovely evening together not believing she just spent time with her celebrity crush. And what if Tom became a goth singer winning over the hearts of his adoring fans of many but only one caught both his eyes and heart?
Here is the ultimate album for inspiring me to write this story 🤍🖤🎤✨🙌🏼🎼
TAGS: @hecatemoon87, @i-love-th-characters1, @kittycatcait219, @tomhardyspinkyfinger, @zablife, @jarvisrocks, @theshelbyclan, @evita-shelby, @solomons-finest-rum, @omgeternal, @pottersolomons2, @professor-alfie-solomons, @bubblyani, @buttercup32sstuff, @thefics-that-drip, @tea-atfive, @ninja-potato-shelby-solomons, @itsdelicioustea, @rikki-b-lake, @queenofthefaceless, @quarterpastmidnight, @queencoraline3, @raincoffeeandfandoms, @veddieiscanon, @darklydeliciousdesires, @mollybegger-blog, @edwardthomashardy1, @lovebitesimagines, @97freaknik, @alfiesolomons-treacle, @jollysoulfestivalfreak, @thealmightybitchgoddess, @star017, @ao3feed-symbrock, @symbean, @weirdgirl16355, @twvstedsouls, @integalacticspacemonkey, @grungebabyblu
Word Count: 3,676
WARNING 18+: Light Cussing, & Lots of Fluff!
🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍
Oxford, United Kingdom- 1986
Violet and her best friend Ivy waited patiently outside of the stadium in Oxford. It was finally the day that the girls would see their favorite band, This Dark Plague. Ever since they first heard their first album, it was nothing like they have heard of before. The voice of Lazarus, the lead singer of the band, took their souls away. His voice was like they sent it from the heavens from above, silky, smooth, and yet hauntingly beautiful. Being gifted with such a rare voice is something few people hear in the music industry. Knowing that there was pure talent in the young boy. Once the front doors of the stadium finally opened, Violet and Ivy squealed amongst themselves. As both girls held hands together while doing small hops.
“Alright ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please,” said one security guard as he said the following, “welcome to the show. We would like for you all to do us a favor before going in. Please have your tickets ready for us to stamp. And for anyone who has bags, we will check them after we mark your tickets. Once again, have your bags and tickets ready to make the queue go faster. Thank you and have a wonderful time here on the tour.”
“Oh my gosh, Violet, I can’t believe we are already here. Tell me this is all a dream?” Said Ivy, still holding onto her friend’s right hand, not wanting to let go.
“Are you being a joker, Ivy? Of course, this is not a dream we are here, don’t you see? We are about to see Lazarus in the flesh. You and I have to at least be in front of the stage as much as we can. I’ll make a run for it, yes?” Violet said, giving a cheeky smile along with a wink at her friend, which Ivy giggled at her gesture.
Once their tickets were stamped and luckily didn’t bring bags. Violet made a run towards the floor of the stadium, hoping to find a suitable spot for both her and Ivy. After a small jog, she then finally made it where there were at least a group of 7 people. Violet heaved in and out of breath, still not believing that she was going to see her dream band in person. She pressed a gentle hand against her chest, feeling her heartbeat ceasing down little by little. Ivy made it some minutes later, standing next to her friend as they now patiently waited for This Dark Plague to come out to sing.
“What type of perfume do you think Lazarus might wear out for tonight?” Ivy then asked some time later as more people came along the floor, becoming warmer and clamped together.”
“Oh, I bet it is something pleasant, but what I care about the most is to hear that angel like voice he has. And those eyes oh god those dark blue eyes of his how can I can’t say no to him,” Violet gasped out picturing Lazarus in that wonderful black leather jacket he became iconic for with that soft trimmed dark brown hair that seemed to be soft to touch and that baby face oh god can you ask for more,” she said feeling her cheeks turn pink seeing she couldn’t take that image off of her head now anymore.
After what felt like hours going by slowly, the stadium suddenly became loud and full. While some other songs from other popular bands that Ivy and Violet know were played in the background. Just so the atmosphere doesn’t seem to be gloomy or boring, it made some people dance to the best of the music. As they played the last song of the night, the music paused. Only you can hear people speaking to each other. Suddenly, the time of what Violet and Ivy came to see was about to begin. Cheers and claps erupted in the air as Ivy and Violet squirmed under their breaths as the stage went dark while an ambiance sound played on.
“Oh my god, Ivy, they’re coming, they’re coming!” Violet said excitedly as the music continued to play louder.
A dark purple light illuminated the stage as a small cloud of fog spread out across the stage. Without the girls realizing, the band members came out. One by one, only three members appeared through the white fog, getting to their positions behind each instrument they play on. Violet was confused where Lazarus could appear, but out of nowhere, that voice suddenly spoke through the big speakers.
“Good evening,” he said in an echo tone, making everyone in the crowd cheer erupted, including Ivy and Violet, “welcome. This first song you all might know of and I want you all to join. And it goes like this.”
The music changed into a deep ambient sound with haunting chimes. Like something you’ll hear from a children’s cartoon, but with a dark twist. Then it happened again, that voice, that enchanted voice that you can get hypnotized to.
Let’s have a black celebration
Black Celebration
Tonight
Violet and Ivy screamed their hearts out once they saw the shadow of Lazarus between the fog and purple lights. He continued seeing he had on his black leather outfit with black sunglasses and his hair fixed back with gel.
To celebrate the fact
That we’ve seen the back of another black day
His full-on appearance made the stadium scream for more than his voice continued to sing his heart out.
I look to you, how you carry on when all hope is gone
Can’t you see?
Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to someone like me
I want to take you in my arms
Forgetting all I couldn’t do today
Black Celebration
Black Celebration
Tonight
Violet and Ivy danced to the beat of the music, singing along to the lyrics while Lazarus held the microphone closer to his lips.
To celebrate the fact
That we’ve seen the back of another black day
He then knelt down to where the girls were standing, reaching out their hands while Lazarus gave a side smirk at them. Violet didn’t notice at first until she felt his leather glove hand against hers. Everything went in slow motion until he sang again as they both made eye contact.
I look to you and your strong belief
Me, I want relief tonight
Consolation I want so much
Want to feel your touch tonight
Take me in your arms
Forgetting all you couldn’t do today
Black Celebration
Black Celebration
Tonight
Black Celebration
(I’ll drink to that)
Black Celebration
Tonight
Black Celebration
(I’ll drink to that)
Black Celebration
Tonight
Once the singing came to a full end, they both shared another small moment or two until he kissed Violet’s right hand. Lazarus tilted his black glasses down, revealing those blue eyes of his. Giving her a quick wink, he stood up on his feet and the fans cheered once again.
“Thank you. How are you all doing tonight?” He asked the millions of fans and they all roared with cheers, “righ’ then I am amazed at how many have come today. It’s madness. You all are beautiful, really. Let’s get the show goin’ yea?”
And so, the rest of the night was nothing but an unforgettable and mesmerizing show. Filled with enchanting music, dancing, and living the dream that Violet and Ivy could ever ask for. Once in a while, Lazarus would come their way, which was strange for Violet. Thinking why she and not anyone else in the crowd while other girls were screaming his name out to get his attention. She would try her best to ignore it as both friends continued to sing their hearts out. As the show came to a close end, Lazarus and the rest of his bandmates took a bow and thanked everyone once more.
“Thank you very much and good night,” he said, his voice echoing through the large stadium, disappearing into the thick fog.
Backstage, however, Lazarus had other thoughts in his mind besides accomplishing another successful night. But not just anything out of the ordinary, but he focused on the girl in the crowd with raven hair, dark amber eyes, peachy light skin, a very intriguing black long-sleeve shirt with a black long skirt.
I wonder who she was???
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Both girls felt a bit exhausted and tired, but it didn’t stop them from going around the corner to get a late-night bite. A small group of people were inside the restaurant shop, so Ivy suggested waiting in the queue. While Violet would find a table for them to sit at. It took a couple of minutes for her to find a table looking from one side to another. Feeling like giving up on the spot, however, her luck didn’t run out just yet. From far away, there stood a group of young boys, laughing. One of them was smoking some cigarettes while they continued eating. But one of them stood out from the crowd, which made Violet nervously panic on the inside. It was This Dark Plague themselves of all people, seeing them here amongst the fans. But they were half dressed differently from when they were on stage. She recognized them right away, thinking if this was true or not. Lazarus then looked to the side, noticing Violet standing far in the distance with a smile on his face. He had his black sunglasses on, still wearing that leather black jacket, but underneath it; he had on a band shirt. While resting his back against the brick wall of the restaurant, both Lazarus and Violet made eye contact. He removed his glasses after seeing the girl he saw earlier at the stadium. Startled, she looked away, pretending he didn’t see him trying to walk the other way. It was too late until she heard someone calling out directly at her.
“Hey excuse me miss,” said he reaching out to her with his hand gently placing it on her left shoulder.
She became stiff like a statue, nervous to turn to face the person she knew who it was. Though Violet didn’t want to look foolish in front of him and so she slowly met eyes with him.
“Sorry to bother, but I see you having trouble finding a place to sit. If you like, I and my mates have space at our table. You’re more than welcome to maybe want to sit with us. I insist, of course,” he said, giving a friendly smile. Violet returned the gesture with some shyness.
“Oh, that’s very kind of you really, but that won’t be necessary really I-.”
“Violet, is that who I think it is?” Ivy exclaimed, holding two plates of fish and chips in both hands. Her mouth and eyes opened in awe, “Oh my god it’s you Lazarus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“Well, I’m glad to meet you girls. I’m telling your friend here that we have some seats open over with the boys. And you two are welcome to sit with us,” he said as one bandmate saw the entire scene going about.
“Oh, do you? That sounds grand, Violet don’t be rude come on let’s go sit yea?” Said Ivy already making her way toward the table leaving Violet and Lazarus alone.
“You know you didn’t have to do that,” she said, seeing her best friend greeting the group as the boys welcomed her with open arms.
“Well, I just thought it would be fair, since this place is quite full. And I see you had a hard time looking for a place to sit, you know,” he said nervously, folding his hands together while biting on his bottom lips.
Violet didn’t say a word, hugging her arms together and looking back at Ivy, who she was now speaking to one of the boys. Seeing she was having a pleasant conversation about whatever made one of the band members laugh.
“Look, I didn’t mean to be such a disturbance to you and your friend. I want to say I’m sorry for ruining your night if I did that,” he said apologetically, hoping that she won’t see him from a different perspective.
At that moment, Violet felt like a big ungrateful brat for questioning and denying her favorite singer’s offer. Seeing that he was just being generous, welcoming, and a massive sweetheart.
Wow I’m such a fucking dick…
“I’ll just let your friend know you’re not feeling alrigh-.”
“No, please I- I want to say I’m sorry. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I don’t know what got into me for sounding like a cunt. I’m the one that should apologize,” Violet admittedly said, feeling her cheeks warm with embarrassment sounding like a total fool in front of her crush.
Lazarus saw this happening in front of him and, without saying a word, he placed a hand on top of her left shoulder. Violet felt his large hand as she looked back at those deep blue eyes of his.
“Don’t be ok and don’t say you’re a cunt either, we just got on the wrong side of things. But know this right, I’m not that type of prick that gets offended easily. Trust me, I’ve heard and encountered far worst characters,” Lazarus said with a side grin. Violet only smiled bigger as he continued, “but none of that now. How about we join with your friend and my mates, eh? I like you to meet everyone.”
“Yes, of course, and actually let me reintroduce myself properly. My name is Violet. It’s wonderful to meet you, Lazarus,” she said as they walked their way toward Ivy and the band.
“Ah well, it’s lovely to meet you, darling, and Violet. That’s a beautiful name. I got to say I like it,” he said, giving her another side smile. Suddenly, she felt her body become warm once more.
As the night went on for what felt like hours, Ivy and Violet were enjoying the band’s company very much. Seeing a different side of each band member, including Lazarus. Ivy never stopped asking Dracu, the synthesizer player, about why he chose such an instrument, why he joined the band, and so many that he generously asked away. While the others laughed and talked about other things and sometimes made fun of their friend, seeing how Ivy is such a chitter chatter. But Dracu didn’t care because he found her company enjoyable and never talked this much to someone like this before, especially a girl. Violet and Lazarus, meanwhile, were more into the most serious talks. Talking about if he never was a singer, what would he be doing if he would choose a distinct career path than being in a band, etc. He would, mostly, give her some very intelligent and in awe answers that Violet never thought she would hear. It made her feel awestruck and would listen to him for hours and hours day and night. Blade, the back vocalist, would eavesdrop once or twice on Lazarus’s and Violet’s conversations. Seeing and hearing how open and expressive he sounded towards the young woman. It was rare to see him socialize with other people for past reasons. The last time Lazarus did this sort of thing was with his then ex-girlfriend 2 years ago. It was alright from the beginning, but once the band gained more recognition to the public, things went downhill in both the relationship and mostly for Lazarus. On the night he came back home from the recording studio, it shocked him when he saw Bella with another man in the bed they both shared. Heartbroken and not saying anything, he stayed over at Blade’s house on that same night. It hurt to see his friend with anger and sadness in his heart. But after some time passed, Lazarus got over it mostly. He did loved her unconditionally but Dracu, Blade, and Vlad, their “manager” of the band, had this bad feeling about Bella. She liked the attention, but not in a good way. She never left Lazarus’ side for one moment and worst yet she demanded to be in a music video but for her own selfishness. Bella cared more about being in the spotlight than the band, but those days were over. What Dracu cared to see is Lazarus being open again and looking more comfortable than he did before.
“Oh Christ, look at the hour. It’s getting late. Thank you again for a wonderful night. It was a pleasure, boys, and Dracu,” Ivy cheekily smiled at him. He felt his face flush red. “good luck on your other shows too. I hope you all have fun.”
“I’m glad you girls enjoyed our company. It was nice to meet some civilized fans unlike before,” Vlad said sarcastically, taking another drag from his cigarette.
“Don’t be such a dick mate,” said Dracu, lightly pinching him on his right shoulder, which he only chuckled.
“Awww, we’re flattered, really. Thanks again for being so marvelous,” Ivy said, smiling at her friend, who did the same.
“By the way, if you ladies want, we can take you two to your homes or hotel room. I insist again. If that’s fine with you both,” suggested Lazarus Ivy cheerfully said ‘yes’ quickly in a heartbeat.
Sometime later, after saying their last goodbyes to everyone, Lazarus and the girls made it back to the hotel that was close to the restaurant. Ivy and Violet made their way out of the car as Lazarus did the same.
“Well then, I hope you two have a good night’s rest. I appreciate you both for coming to our show and being amazing fans. Really, it means a lot to us and from my heart,” he said, sounding grateful, and the girls smiled big at the compliment.
“Aww, you are so kind and thank you for bringing us to our hotel. It means a lot. But have a goodnight and have fun in your next concerts,” said Ivy, looking back at Violet saying ‘thank you’ as well.
Before Violet went inside the doors of the hotel while following Ivy behind, she then heard her name being called out.
“Violet, ummm, do you have a moment if that is alright with you?” he asked shyly asked, but Violet nodded her head in agreement.
“Is everything alright Lazarus?” She asked, a bit confused why he wanted to talk to her alone.
“No, nothing is wrong. I just… I thought whenever I have time off for myself, we might stay in touch and talk. Of course, when you’re also free and not doing anything, what I’m trying to tell you is that this was a lovely night and I just think you were a very interesting girl and I-.”
“Lazarus.”
“It’s Thomas,” he snapped. Violet eyebrows formed in confusion but he continued on, “call me Thomas. I know it’s strange to say my real name to you, but I wanted to say it. I oddly felt like I needed to tell you my stage name is just a character from the real me.”
Violet only nodded her head slowly and never thought of hearing such a thing, especially the front man of This Dark Plague.
“I’m sorry for making all of this awkward, truly I don’t know why I asked in the fir-.”
“Thomas, hey it’s alright don’t worry. I have to say I like your real name more than your stage name. I think it suits you better. And I’ll gladly like to stay in touch with you. You make the call and I’ll be there yea?” Violet said, giving him a reassuring smile, which he then let out a small sigh of relief.
“Sounds good then. I should let you know it’s getting cold out here. Nighty night, Lady Violet, I hope we see each other again soon,” he said, smiling back at her while she chuckled at his gesture.
“You have a safe trip, Sir Thomas. We will speak again and call me when you are free. Here, I’ll give you my number.
Do you have a paper and pen for me to write?”
“Oh yes, I give me a moment,” Thomas said, going back inside the car and retrieving a pen and a piece of paper.
Once Violet wrote the phone number of her hotel room in the end, she put a small drawing of a heart. He found this adorable in his eyes, his heart jumping from inside.
“I’ll keep this close to me, I promise. Goodnight, love,” he said, finally making his way to the car. Violet looked on, waving a small hand at him.
As he drove into the night, Thomas couldn’t stop looking at the small price of paper with Violet’s number and heart drawing. Not believing how this night turned out, then what he thought at first.
4 weeks into their tour, both Thomas and Violet did indeed end up talking to each other as he promised. It started slowly at first, but as one concert went to another, a small blossom grew behind the scenes. Both the fan and the singer had many things in common, but the two wanted more than just being friends. Just before autumn arrived, Thomas surprised her after Violet told him she was going back home to Epson, which wasn’t far from his hometown of Hammersmith. Before going home, he instead drove to Violet with an enormous bouquet of roses in his hands with a love note in the middle. Arriving in front of her house, he walked his way up to the door, knocking. As they opened the door, to his surprise, it was the person he was looking forward to seeing.
“Thomas, I’m so glad to see you, my love,” she said between her big smile hugging him around his neck. Both exchanged a sweet, welcoming kiss on the lips.
“Hello my darling, I’m finally back home with you. I’ve missed you so much.”
🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍🎶🖤🤍
#depeche mode#depeche mode aesthetic#tom hardy#fanfic#tom hardy imagine#tom hardy fanfic#fluff#tom hardy icons#tom hardy x reader#tom hardy fanfiction#depeche mode album#leather jacket#jennifer love hewitt#red roses#young tom hardy#18+ fic#black celebration era#tom hardy fic#tom hardy fluff#love story#romance#goth story#goth aesthetic#dressed in black#oxford#concert tours#depeche mode tour
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Hi, here's another poem of mine. It was written on 21st December 2022.
Love that felt like a fairytale
I swear, I could see your halo
When on that beautiful day you said ”Hello
There, do you perhaps need anything?
I ask because I feel like I could give you everything
You look like a star that is wandering
And looking for some love and peace”
You offered me to be friends
But then I realized that I don't look at you this way
We were friends but I felt more than just ”like”
I could feel a new feeling that was so fine
Everytime I looked at you, I felt something I never knew I could feel
Everything that happened felt like a dream
I was like a princess lost in the darkness of a cruel reality
Then you found me and showed me how beautiful world can be
I didn't have to search for the light any longer
When I found you, I started having someone that I could be holding
In my arms when the darker days and nights are coming
I felt that I finally found the missing puzzle piece, the true sense of being a human that's still living
Everything felt like a dream I didn't want to wake up from
I was never more grateful for anything else than for having you, my love
I was living in a fairytale every single day
It was even better than the ones from Disney
I didn't expect us to have a sad ending
But as we know, life is not listening to what we're wishing
After some time I realized that the halo I saw
Wasn't like the one that is the property of an angel
I was blinded by the beautiful lies you used to tell me
I didn't see any red flags even though you had so many
I used to think that I'm so lucky for getting to live in a reality that is so dream—like
Before everything ruined and everything that I feared the most came back
The loneliness started to killing me from the inside
I've never wanted to hide from anything, but here I am
Feeling like a zombie but I keep on walking
I keep on pretending that I am not hurting
The last words you told me were the ones you wanted to tell me since the beginning
But it was me who didn't see what's coming
Next even though everyone else could tell
That you were just pretending to be sincere
You played with my heart, I got pulled in your little game
A little game I didn't sign up for, a little game that made me gain
A lot of pain, now thanks to you I am broken once again
I lied to myself that you're the one for me, would never hurt me but it happened
You invited me to play your little game that left so many girls broken
I promised myself that I won't be a victim of yours, but I couldn't keep the promise
Your charms were more visible for me than the flaws
I guess that I will never learn my lesson
I always fall for the ones that aren't worth my heart
They leave my heart bruised and I only cry
I try to hold it in, let no one see how hurtful it can be
But sometimes I just can't believe that I was so naive
After all it's not about the boy that hurt my feelings
It's about the fact that I let him did it
I fall on my knees again and again, you say you didn't mean it
Your love for me was real but in the end you cheated
You said that you will change for me because I am the one and only
Queen of your heart, but can you tell me how you could hurt me so badly?
If you loved me, you would never do that
You're getting only more lost in your own lies
You keep on making excuses, you want to go back
To what was in the past, but I can't do that
I know that I was way too naive and couldn't trust you in the first place
But I still have my dignity, so you should face
The truth: I will be no longer a victim of this fake love
It's time to get past this and move on because it's definitely not
How a human should be treated, we all deserve so much better
We deserve to have people around us that will not be back stabers
But instead, they will stay loyal to us untill the very end
And won't feed us with the beautiful lies but the truth, even if it's bitter
We all deserve to feel understood and needed
Have our hearts that are completed
This is the truth that should be heard by many
Let's spread these words to everyone. We can do it, can't we?
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A song recommendation:
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Two memes-
rules- tag 10 (or less) people you want to get to know better. Thank you for tagging me Tan! @everything-is-crab
I am from Karnataka in South India, and I have a lot of interests from around the world and some things may be unfamiliar to people not from south India soo ye
relationship status- Single and ngl I’m kind of a hopeless romantic but I’m still not ready to get with anyone yet. I think I’m rather young and I think I’d like to commit so I’ll do that when I’ve gotten atleast most of myself figured out cause I’m also quite sensitive-
favorite color- Purple! (all of it’s shades) and Dark blue and black :D
(I like all the colours but my favs are these)
song stuck in my head- God’s Menu by Stray Kids, Nxde by (G)I-DLE and labour by Paris Paloma. They take turns in my head hehe (No I’m not a k-pop stan and I don’t know much about them but these songss)
three favorite foods- HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME. There’s soo much 😔 But if I had to chose.... puliyogare, masala puri and chicken fry.
Last song I listened to- Dori’s theme from Genshin Impact! I believe it’s called SHAZAM. I’m not a fan of Dori personally because of many things like her design (Hoyo is so colorist is pisses me off) but her theme is such a vibe omg I love it
Dream trip - I wanna go to Bali and Japan sooo badly! Maybe South Korea and Dubai too! Also I really wanna visit other parts of India, especially Ladakh and the islands.
Last thing I Googled- "demon slayer: kimetsu no yaiba - to the swordsmith village book tickets” I’m too late it’s no longer in the theatre unfortunately :( BUT the season started so yay!
Rules- Post 10 of your favorite movies and then tag 10 different people to share theirs. Tagged by same user.
I don’t watch movies much but I have some favorites.
Just letting y’all know, I’m a sucker for horror, thriller and animated movies, so there might be a bunch of them here
The Conjuring (2013, the first horror film I’ve watch at it scared the living hell out of me but it has a special place in my heart)
777 Charlie (2022)
Ocean’s 8 (2018)
A Silent Voice (2016)
Howl’s Moving Castle (2004, the only Ghibli movie I watched so far but I promise I’ll watch more-)
Avane Srimannarayana (2019)
Ready or not (2019, the ending was sooo satisfying also one of my most fav cases of the final girl trope... the mc counts as a final girl right-?)
Spider-man: into the Spider-verse (2018)
Murder Mystery (2019)
Knives Out (2019) and Knives Out: Glass Onion (2022)
I unfortunately know not many people on tumblr so there are very very few I’ll be tagging ehe-
Tagging: @emeryye @xiniemin no pressure to post if you guys don't want to btw <3
This was fun! Thank you Tan once again for tagging me~ 💜💜
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2022 Year End Fic Review
in the words of a very ancient internet joke, better nate than lever!!
1. What is your AO3 account?
My ao3 is lookatallthemoresigive, because that was my tumblr url at the time i created my ao3. I desperately need to change it but I'm having trouble coming up with a new one and am worried if i switch I'll lose brand recognition, which is hilarious bc my MO is to write a fic or two for a fandom and then bounce
2. How many words did you write total in 2022?
I wrote 8,487 published words, but i have at least 7k unpublished. There is a very long rangshi capture the avatar au that been languishing in my drafts for over six months that im hoping to finish up and post this year. I am not a particularly fast writer because i obsess over every word i use, but I've found that with practice im getting faster and better at writing more
3. How many fics did you publish in 2022? How many multichapters vs oneshots?
I published 4, which is about my usual (a couple of random scattered fics + yuletide). They're all oneshots of varying length. My new years resolution is to write 5 fics this year!! I'm holding myself to it. One day I'll write a complete multi-chapter fic, but it's not currently in the cards.
4. What was your longest fic? Your shortest fic?
Longest: a kyoshi novels fic about hei-ran, 바늘 구멍으로 하늘 보기
4,441 words that i agonized over, including the title. I'm super proud of this fic.
Shortest: your hair never falls in quite the same way, a locked tomb missing scene fic clocking in at 890 words.
I honestly had a pretty quick turnaround time writing this one. After i had a lovely and overwhelming response to a rangshi drabble in 2021, I've been trying to be better about posting fics regardless of their length. Sometimes, hitting 1k or even 500 words is not necessary to tell a story
5. What was your most popular fic? Your least popular fic?
Most popular: kiss you too hard and follow you west another quick turnaround, this is a rangshi fluff fic so i’m not surprised
Least popular: Shinrin-Yoku, my gen character study yuletide fic for a video game that came out in 2020. I'm not losing any sleep over it. Its currently at a 15% kudos to hits ratio which good!
6. What fic didn’t perform as well as you thought it would?
Listen, I died on some weird hills last year (the love interest’s mom needs more of a backstory!!!!), so any response is a good response. I guess I was secretly hoping your hair never falls would usher in an era of camilla/nona fics bc i was certain it was going to be a thing, but the book came out and crushed those dreams. I still maintain nona had a crush on cam!!
7. What fic performed way better than you thought it would?
바늘 구멍으로 하늘 보기 because as I mentioned above, it was a character centric fic focused on a minor character. glad the kyoshi novels fandom appreciates milfs!
8. What was your favorite fic you wrote from 2022?
This is turning into a whole arc. I love the nona fic dearly, it makes me happy every time i read it, but im so proud i pulled off that hei-ran fic. Writing a character arc is not easy or as instantly gratifying as making two characters kiss. I knew I was pouring my heart (research into ancient Korean tea ceremonies for half a scene! Politics! Asking @funnefatale to bug fandom friends for Korean sayings for me!) into a work that simply might not be received. Also, I finally came out to my mom around the time i was writing this for unrelated reasons, and this fic reminds me of that 💕
9. What was your favorite fic that somebody else wrote in 2022?
by land, by sea, by dirigible, @firstelevens' amazing c&d/tfatws fic which gave me everything i needed for BOTH shows. A two for one, can you believe!!
falling (for you) like snow on christmas, a warrior nun ava/bea hallmark au. I watched a lot of hallmark type christmas movies last year, and this fic delivered on the coziness these movies provide and the chemistry they usually don't. Also, it relased daily during the week leading up to christmas, corresponding to the days in the chapters, which was super fun to experience in real time.
10. Tag your friends to do this year-end fic review as well!
@funnefatale @isabrella and anyone else who wants to do this meme!
#thanks for the tag Zainab 💕#je converse#fic year in review#the best fic i read in 2022 was unsentimental by foxbones#so damn good#but it was published on 2021
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Wednesday 30th November 2022, 11.10pm
Its taken me a few days to write this post. I've been trying to make sure it's just right. I've also been busy with work, but I've thought about him the whole time. The first time I read his last post was actually when I was on my way to see Pale Waves, the same day he posted it. I've started writing a new song since too. I only have words right now, but it's shaping up okay.
I'm not sure how to reach out either. I don't want to do anything that would spook you or that you wouldn't like or be comfortable with. I like these posts too and I read yours all the time too, it really does feel like having a conversation. I still remember how you go "Awww" at something really cute and your laugh. I still remember how you say my name. God, I love how you say my name. I've replayed your voice in my head so many times, you wouldn't believe. I bawled my eyes out when you said you'd heard my Wicked Game cover. I didn't know you still looked at those. I'm so glad you do. I still listen to your things you sent me too..
I remember how I was so frustrated that night on the train and didn't know what was going on, but you stayed talking to me and kept me calm and made me smile. I wish you could have been there too, but even being far away, you did so good. I also remember staying awake as late or as early as I could, just to talk to you. I can't believe you remember my favourite colour, my birthday and all these little details about me. I'm sitting here laughing and crying as I type this because I'm just so in awe of you. I can't believe you're real sometimes. You. Amazing and brilliant and smart and fantastic and beautiful you.
You described some different things about yourself. And all I could think the whole time was "I bet you are still as handsome". I wear glasses now too. And I have more tattoos. My hair isn't red anymore, it hasn't been for about a year now. I let it go back to my natural blonde for a while and cut it short because it was damaged from dyeing it so much. It's getting longer again and once it's healthier, I probably will go back to red. You know how much I love my red hair. I hope you would still like it blonde, still like me how I am now. I really wish I could show you a picture and show you all my tattoos too.
I'm sorry that the people around you aren't being supportive of what you want to do with your life. It hurts to hear that. I wish I could be there for you and support you and help motivate you and encourage you to do whatever makes you happy. I suppose I can do that from here too, but I just wish I could be close to you right now, so you didn't feel so alone. I could tell you so many things I've wanted to, do so many things I've wanted to and thought about, dreamed about over the years. I *am* so proud of you. More than I can properly articulate. Change is so hard, but sometimes change can be good for us. Please keep going, E. I know you can do it, you can do anything. You can do absolutely anything because you're you. And you're capable of it all. The world is yours. Go and get it, darling.
I'm sitting here listening to this song as I write the last of this post. It randomly came on shuffle, and its so fitting that I'm sat here, writing to you, and one of our favourite bands comes on. It's rainy and really fuckin cold here right now too and I'm just about to go get ready for bed. I hope this post wasn't too long, I'm sorry if it was. I hope you're smiling right now, like I am. Your posts do give me comfort.. so much.. more than you know.
I'm going to post a video of when I went to see Pale Waves on Sunday too, soon after this..
Looking so long at these pictures of you, but I never hold on to your heart.. Looking so long for the words to be true, but always just breaking apart..
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wed august 17th 2022 journal
I’m hi as hell rn. had to spell it like that cause autocorrect kept fucking with me and ion like that. I’m going into my 3rd year of drama school this September and I’m completely nervous about it. I just can’t believe I’m actually at drama school doing cool things with my life. meeting cool people and actually just living quite bohemian in a way. It’s cool. there’s something so mystifying about it all. alluring. my heart is beating quite fast rn just thinking about it all. im ready. I’m ready to show them all. second year really tried to take my soul from me. just got my pizza. intuition guided me to the door cause it’s 00:35am rn and it was expected to arrive to me at 00:55-1:10am. something higher was calling me I guess. that’s probably a perfect metaphor for what awaits me at the beginning of September. I think I’m gonna miss being a student you know. i think it’s cause I’ve romanticised the idea of what I saw on tv of what it means to be a student. Late nights. Parties. love gone right. love gone wrong. people coming and going. trying to get it right. getting it wrong. getting it right. nights where you feel rich as shit cause student finance dropped vs nights where it’s only pasta and tuna or Lidl brand evenings (not even shitting on Lidl like that; they’re helpful as fuck to nigga. But it’s true man.) early mornings. the travel. the discounts! oh god the discounts. thank god for discounts. we live for the night we will remember with people we won’t forget. just the beginning of the journey for us all. the start point. listening to that motivational playlist on my way to school just to go and live my dream and shit. Be silly for 9 hours everyday. Be the clown so you can laugh at everything. Find humour in it. In the everyday mundane. That’s also another title for how my time has been at LAMDA. I’ve learnt so much on my journey about myself. About my year. About the school. Habits, the good, the bad, the ugly. I learnt about how important it is to pick your tribe wisely cause everyone talks here. And a bad mouth is bad business as far as I’m concerned. I’ve also learnt you have to really trust the process and have faith that you know what you’re doing cause I’ve seen that also the opposite way (when everything goes wrong during a performance) and the consequences that come with that and the self reflection and imposter syndrome that attaches itself to that self reflection too and feeds off your ego. I’ve learnt about how professionalism is a thing that not many of us have. the importance and value of each other’s time and how it can’t be wasted concerning yourself with anything but the goal, anything but the objectives at hand. It serves no one. I’ve learnt how people are. Some people live to lie to people, idk maybe it’s for protection or maybe it’s for manipulation but all I know is I see it in some people and even in myself at times and it’s crazy. I’ve learnt confidence goes a long way. And if I confident in myself that I can achieve anything. I spent many days here angry at myself and my abilities and half assing things in the name of trying not to fuck up or trying to see perfection that stabbed at my confidence and killed it. I had to find my way back to myself. I’m still on that journey now as we speak. I think I’m excited for third year. I’m gonna miss this year and these people. We’ve had one hell of a ride and it’s our last dance (many for the rest of our lives. Others may just be blessed to work with the same member ever again.) we’ll argue, we’ll bitch, we’ll complain, we’ll lash out, we’ll lie, we’ll comfort, we’ll protect, especially interests of ourselves and others close to us, we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll go alone, we’ll confide in, we’ll do whatever but we’ll always somehow pull it off in performance szn. every time . I remember Vik saying I need to want this shit more because it was looking like I was half assing everything again. And how it takes me a while to warm up to the audience when I’m on stage and he’s only seeing flashes of my brilliance when he wants to see it there from the get go.
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Rise of the Monarch lyric starters. From the 2022 Amalee album. Change pronouns as needed!
Rise Of The Monarch (Intro)
"A candle burning, it was burning too bright."
"The world was shaking like the flicker of a light."
"A dying flame no one remembers."
"They beat her down to only embers."
"But will she rise again?"
"Rise, I know we can."
From The Embers
"I'd been blinded by the light for so damn long."
"It took losing everything to see I'd been wrong all along."
"I knew I had change somehow but didn't know where to start."
"I'd rather rule the dark than serve in the light."
"Tell me how this is wrong when it feels so right."
"I lost the fight but won the war."
"In my heart a hole was torn forever."
"I thought that I'd lay down and die, but just then I began to fly from embers."
"When you light a candle, watch the flames get brighter but the shadows all around grow darker."
"I spent my whole life fighting all this darkness in my heart from overtaking."
Metamorphosis
"What you did to me is making all my dreams into nightmares."
"But maybe all this time my love made me blind."
"Was it nothing more than all a game to you?"
"Was I the moth and you the flame?"
"Oh you should be afraid."
"Cause now I've locked away the girl that you had known. The girl you betrayed."
"The pain made me strong - It's where I belong."
"And it makes me laugh everytime I look back."
"I believed I couldn't be anything more than that."
"Boy, it's such a shame it had to end this way."
"Gave my heart and gave my soul. I gave it all to you and more."
"But I'm no longer the moth no baby I'm the flame."
Monster U Made
"There's a madness I can't fight and it calls to me at night."
"You have nightmares, I have mine."
"I was a mistake so you cast me off aside. Like that's all I'd ever be."
"But I'm back to take everything that's rightly mine."
"And we all have you to thank."
"Know I'm the monster that you made."
"Why be good that doesn't sound as fun?"
"But lemme tell you there is something bout the dark that really makes me feel alive."
"You think you're special but you're not."
"You and your ego can go rot."
"I'm only the thing you've done right, and that's sayin' a lot."
"But don't let that get to your head."
"Babe, you're just as good as dead."
Villain Vibes
"Better back down, get on your knees."
"Stealing your heart, she'll make you plead."
"She'd rather be the hunter than the prey."
"Rather be a killer than a Saint."
"Either way, she's still gonna make you pray."
"Maybe long ago was heaven-made, but she slipped and fell along the way."
"Now she's got another role to play."
"But I kinda like living on the edge of this high."
" I like crazy."
"Don't show this to just anyone."
"But can't stop what you've begun."
"Smiled 'til the mischief felt boring."
"She ain't the hero, just the villain of somebody else's story."
"Acting tough, nah you not even in the same category."
"But ya fear the reaper like never before."
"Trust it's a thrill you'll never comprehend."
MWTWB
"You're always going to be the villain in someone else's story."
"That's their fault for pissing you off in the first place."
"Mirror mirror, on the wall. Who's the baddest bitch of all - it's me?"
"No need to think - no need to think."
"No need to think I know it's me."
"I never take shit from anybody."
"Don't know why you think it was wise to cross me."
If ya got a death wish, then I'm listening. I'll end the life that you're living. Just call me your genie. "
"Piss me off and I'm leaving bodies."
"Better get down on your knees and count your prayers."
"Cause nothing good comes after here."
"You're 'bout to meet your queen."
"Lemme tell ya that you're messing with the wrong bitch now."
"Can't let you forget it's me who wears the crown."
"If you dare stand in my way then, baby Imma cut you down."
"I'm calling out for blood, it echoes in the crowd."
"And if you're gonna beg, then do it now."
"Keep making me mad and it'll be off with your head."
"Keep playing your games and somebody'll wind up dead."
"Kinda sad that all good things come to end."
"So baby kneel, off with your head."
"I wanna hear you scream."
"You ain't even seen me go full crazy."
"You really love to go and run your mouth."
"I hope you go down half as proud."
"I wanna hear you plead."
"Did ya really think I would let ya walk free?"
"If you're gonna beg, then do it now or else I'm gonna stain my gown."
Drink Your Light
"If you're scared of my bark then you'll be scared of my bite."
"But maybe that's baby that's the thing that I like."
"I don't run in a pack, I like it solo."
"And if I want it I take it."
"And you don't have to like it, but it's still me who's in control."
"Cause baby, I bite back."
"Let me drink your light."
"It wasn't merely fate that got me this throne."
"I got a taste for power and bone."
"And if I crave it I chase it."
"And I don't gotta say it, but you don't want me provoked."
"I'm a sick maniac with fire for soul."
"I feel alive my other side is now in control."
Call Me King
"I wasted years, gave you my life. And I think that's the biggest crime."
"You said forever but my trust in you was severed."
"Nothing quite inspires like a broken heart."
"Glad ya really hit me hard."
"You said forever, yeah, my sanity was severed."
"And now I'm the new monarch."
"It's not quite how we rehearsed but I wanna hear it from you first."
"Call me king."
"I don't need anything from you now that I'm king."
"And I might, yeah, I might show a little mercy."
"Nah. Fuck it."
"We made a promise in the light."
"We swore to set the kingdom right."
"We could be heroes but ya blew that all to zero."
"And this whole thing ends tonight."
"I'll show you what happens when you mess with god."
"You messed with the wrong bitch but somehow you're still alive."
"The monster that you made had you diggin' your own grave."
"I drank your light, rose from embers, so you can call me king."
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♡
a sticky note that reads happy birthday baby! on top of a wrapped gift; gone are sungho’s usual sloppy strokes (courtesy of being a med intern), replaced with detailed and neat strokes, each character clear to read. when sorin unwraps it she would be faced with the likes of a vinyl, its sleeve decorated beautifully with snapshots of them, some candid while others posed to perfection to showcase how well they look together.
polaroids of course, in typical sungho fashion.
in between the snapshots, again written in his handwriting, sungho and sorin’s story.
there is a card as well, a quirky message on the front but a heartfelt message inside.
hi baby, happiest of birthdays to the most amazing person i know! i love you so much and i’m so glad we get to spend another birthday together. you probably think this entire gift is super cheesy right? ㅋㅋㅋ i didn’t know what to get you that you don’t already have or can get yourself…but i know how much you appreciate little things like this so i made a vinyl for you…or i guess us? i went all over seoul to find this little place! you’ll understand when you listen to it ㅎㅎㅎ i’m sorry i have to work on your special day, but i’ll be done with my shift by the time afternoon rolls around, i promise. i have the entire weekend planned out for us so just do me a favour and finish packing for us? i lost track of time this morning…ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ love you and happy birthday to my best girl ♡
sorin finds the packing list before the present, tripping over an open luggage after a blessed eight hours of sleep—the first she’s gotten since their client from hell stepped through their company’s doors, case finally closed at almost three in the morning. she’d been more than a little motivated to finish the report before d-day to her day; she’s not going to forget her birthday again like she did last year. ( even if sorin can complain enough to inspire a celebration six months late. )
is this growing up, though? it doesn’t feel so different, twenty three to twenty four. the belated growing pains of muddling her way through independence feel almost serendipitous in the summer sun, now that she’s… here. no more panicky new year resolutions looking for reassurance, broken rusty, iron heavy purse strings of her dad’s money, dissipated facades that she’d pulled trying to prove something for the fourteen year old who’d had her life turned upside down. a decade of growing up—not always in the right direction, maybe, too prone for too long to lashing out before she gets hurt, that always shifting sense of transience like nothing’ll ever last, not for someone like her. moonlit bass and months of chipping away at the dreams that’ve crust and sugared over, melting in the heat of her palms as she learns to hold them open instead of fisted close.
so maybe this is growing up, happiness mellow and still sweet under her tongue. the growing she’s got more of in front of her, and her open hands that’ve found someone to hold while she does. perhaps she ought to wait for him to open her present, but he knows by now how she gets impatient. the terrible pun on the card makes her cover her face, softening to read the message inside it. sorin puts the vinyl on and spends a little too long looking at the sleeve, memories of the pictures she remembers taking ( and cringing at the candids of some that she doesn’t ), a setlist of them filling their apartment with the songs he’s chosen for her. a text message seems too little for thanks, but she sends him a mysterious heart as she packs too many of his shirts and too few of her own for the weekend getaway.
the sun shines brightest on the hottest day of summer, like it knows she’s got a year more to get the better of again, like birthday luck on a special day. and sorin’s always said she doesn’t believe in luck, or fate, and all that wishy-washy bullshit. but hey, she’d said the same thing about love once.
BIRTHDAY LUCK & LOVE, EP 2022
#from summer to fall(ING IN LOVE!!!!!!)#sungso playlist makes me 😭#sry ab the rambling on sorin's arc idek if this makes sense but#hpbd best girl 🥳#THANK U BBY 🥺
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Blog Entries
February 1, 2024: What emerging narratives are important in science and activism and how can the two complement each other?: Part 1
In narratives surrounding climate science, whiteness seems to prevail in the United States. During a class today, we had the opportunity to listen to a climate scientist and climate activist speak to their experiences, and their strengths, as well as touch lightly on how the two groups of science and activism can work together for change, and the power of communication.
Throughout the conversation, as activists such as Greta Thunberg were brought up, and as I looked at the white activist and white scientist in the center stage of the auditorium, I wondered what it would be like to hear more from activists and scientists who were Black, Indigenous, of people of color.
Growing up, I never thought of myself as someone who could become a scientist or a person who communicates science. Don’t get me wrong, I love science, I love the earth, and I love listening and communicating with people - I just didn’t grow up seeing people who look like me in mainstream media as scientists, or science communicators. Without representation, I was unable to dream of all of the opportunities that could be possible. Sometimes, seeing is believing.
In 2022 there were 11 Hispanic or Latino students, 3 Asian students, 4 Black students, 2 Native Hawaiian or Other Pacific Islander students, and 0 American Indian or Alaska Native students in the Columbia Climate School (OPIR, Columbia.edu). In a field that is dominated by whiteness, Black, Indigenous, and people of color hold voices that must be heard, especially as our populations are the ones that will be impacted statistically the most by the climate crisis due to systemic inequities, injustices, and inequalities that will be perpetuated through major weather events, increasing heat, floods, and sea rise.
I do not take it lightly that I am a Latinx student with access to this school and its resources - and that I have the opportunity to become the science communicator I wish I could’ve seen as a child. There is also the opportunity for the institutions that exist and hold power to bring in activists and scientists of color to ensure the academics, the business leaders, the communicators, and the activists of tomorrow see themselves represented today.
February 7, 2024: Reflect on how alumni from the program are applying their C&S degrees in different fields. Which of the alumni’s career path(s) did you find most interesting? How does this relate to your career ambitions?: Part 2
This was an incredibly interesting panel to hear about people’s journeys, from those from an older generation of alumni to a more recent generation of alumni. In the panel of recent alumni, a majority of whom were BIPOC, there was speak of balance, of emotions, of rest, of being unsure and still finding happiness and passion. As I listened, I began to recognize that I truly must take this one step at a time. It can feel overwhelming to work, school, and life, while also looking for new work and new opportunities in the world. The great thing about Columbia, and the privileges afforded by Columbia, is that there are many opportunities to take advantage of. For me, I didn’t know many of these options existed coming into the institution, and sometimes experienced analysis paralysis from fear of making the ‘wrong,’ choice. I have to remember that there is no wrong choice, there are just choices. One step, and one day at a time is what I keep telling myself, and a message I heard from the speakers.
Feb 14, 2024: What is one new thing about journalism that you learned from the speakers in class today? What kind of climate stories resonate with you the most and why?: Part 3
I connect strongly to climate stories that have a focus on constructive hope, as I believe
“Climate change is a crisis of heart.”
When I wrote about joining the climate school in my purpose statement, I wrote about how I wanted to look myself in the mirror, look my future children in the eyes, and say with full faith - “I tried. We tried.”
When I think about climate change, I think about how I have had nights frozen in bed, my breath halting, as I realized that the world that I know and love was already changing.
I think about the moments when I’m talking with friends and we say “We have to try to visit that place (the glaciers, coral reefs, the whales) before it’s too late!”
I think about the older woman in the homelessness encampment in the middle of winter as she lived with untreated cancer, and we ate a meal together in the snow. I think about how many more will be unhoused in the years to come, freezing or overheating because of the results of the rich’s impact on the world.
I think about how domestic violence rates rise when people are trapped inside, and how in the United States, it is becoming clear that our air is susceptible to becoming unbreathable - forest fire smoke knows no borders - and how many people will come outside after days of protecting their lungs with new bruises hidden under their longsleeved shirts.
I think about my old coach who drilled into me that “the game’s not over till it’s over,” and how often I apply that phrase to this climate fight.
I think about the people I met while volunteering in disaster relief from a flooded river, supporting one another as their homes disappeared under water, despite, or perhaps because of, the shared grief of lost lives.
I think about the time when my best friend slowly asked me if I thought this world was on its way out.
I think about the time when my mom asked me over the holidays why we should have hope, and admitted to me that it was hard for her to hope when there is so much greed.
I think about miners in Appalachia who went on strike because of the poor labor conditions and about the man connected to an oxygen tank because of the years he spent underground breathing in the coal that powered the country. I think about how he told me he would do it again to ensure financial security for his family.
I think about all that I take for granted; the air I breathe, the water I drink, the trees that provide shade, the cool winds that comfort me when I’m overwhelmed. And how quickly it can all disappear. And how the fight to ensure it all stays will be long and slow.
I’m not sure how to talk about this as a formal analysis, because I have yet been able to breach the gap between academics and heart. In my classes, I feel overwhelmed because we talk about island nations sinking, whole communities losing their homes, and needing to migrate. I look at graphs, modules, and numbers that tell me the world is heating, that it’s in crisis, that we are in crisis, and I look around and I don’t see anyone else with tears in their eyes or on their cheeks. And so I silently wipe them away and keep on working, telling myself I’m overreacting.
And yet, I’m not.
I understand that it is a strength to be able to feel both the pain of the loss of this world, and seeing the earth in pain, while also being able to hold and see the beauty within it. The only way forward is to try our best to see and feel all of it.
I feel as if sometimes scientists, academics, business people, and politicians, can focus so deeply on the trees in the forest, and I feel myself doing the same the longer I am at this school, as a coping mechanism to deal with all the new knowledge I’m gaining of how much pain this world is in. I don’t think their way of thinking is wrong. I don’t think mine is either. We need all different types of framing to meet people, to create a new future for ourselves.
It’s not all pain. It’s hope. It’s faith. I can see a world that does not look like the one we have today because we simply cannot continue to exist in this way. The goal is to not fight to continue the status quo, it is to create a different future. A future where kids think it’s silly that we ever drove cars with gasoline, and gasp when their parents talk about that summer in NYC when the sky went orange and people’s white masks were stained black from the smoke from a fire a country away. A future where whole nations' lives are not thrown away to the seas and the droughts so the wealthy can continue to overconsume. A future where we listen and return to the earth much more than we take. A future that holds more justice, equity, and equality.
I have received the feedback that having hope is childish. What is being an adult then? - Letting go of the need for something better? Hope creates space to imagine something new, and not everyone has the privilege of having enough stability and safety to be able to imagine; so many of us are preoccupied with just surviving within these oppressive systems. So for those of us who can dream, hope, and imagine, that is a privilege we cannot waste or throw away, as we must first imagine a different world to create it.
Feb 22, 2024: Part 4
Do you have any big ideas that you’d like to see translated into action? What are they and what tools might you use to put them into action?
A big idea that I’d like to see translated into action is being able to create a trauma informed news network for climate science. I used to work in sexual violence prevention, and I feel as if I have seen many people have similar freeze and dissociative responses to climate news and disaster, as they do to stories of sexual violence. This is not to say that climate stories should not be communicated, and that the race for clicks on stories can increase the output of stories that encourage a reader’s freeze response and feelings of hopelessness. By curating stories that have a basis of hope into action and tangible steps for readers, this may be supportive towards creating a climate shift. To create a news network, this would take a considerable amount of power, time, money, networking, and resources. If possible, mental health professionals could either be hired onto the network or act as highly paid consultants for both their time and efforts, as well as reporters. These stories could be created in a myriad of ways, from videos, to written word, to op-eds, and more.
Feb 22, 2024: Choose a / the moment that led you to pivot towards climate work. It can be big or small, sad or funny, uncanny, even a moment of levity: Part 5
A few years ago, I went through a hearing process, a process I had begun to seek justice for myself surrounding someone who had abused me. After the whole process, I lost. The verdict was that there was clear evidence of impact, and not enough evidence to prove that the abuse had happened. That day I watched the person who had abused me for years walk away without consequence. I had fought for myself for over a year, and in the end, it felt like it had amounted to nothing. I felt like I had been pushed down, and kicked while down, and I didn’t know when I would get back up.
During this time, I recognized the power of community through my experiences
of contact with sexual violence during the hearing process. I was not alone during this process. I had an entire community behind me and with me. Friends, family, professors, and an advocacy support group, all contributed to this community. I would not be where I am today without the community that so strongly supported me, even during times when it felt like I could not be there for myself.
Now, I am a sexual violence prevention educator. As a part of an amazing team of educators, I can plant new seeds to help prevent events like the ones that happened to me from happening to others. Together, we provide the opportunity for children and adults to learn that they are worthy and deserving, and that consent and love cannot be forced. As a queer, Latinx, non-binary, person of color, the likelihood of being impacted by sexual violence is higher than for folks who may not hold marginalized identities. I did not feel exceptionally brave during the hearing process. Yet, I know it takes courage to lose a fight and to get back up with an even deeper conviction that this world is worth fighting for and belief that I can be part of community-based action to create change.
This belief follows through to climate, the recognition that even if I lose a fight, I can get back up, and try again in a new way. Climate hope, climate resilience, is not about ignoring the realities of climate. It is about being able to see the reality, feel the fear, feel the doubt, and decide to create change in the face of all those aspects.
February 22, 2024: Part 6
What’s your pivot story?
A year and a half ago, one of my students looked up at me as we took a break from backpacking and asked me “Why aren’t the adults doing anything?”
A boy of 12 years old with big brown eyes, told me how he was confused about how he saw that adults were not doing anything to shift climate change. His dad had told him that the adults were not doing anything because they were ‘stupid.’ Elian declared that he didn’t think that people were stupid, but that they were filled with selfishness and greed. “What about us?” he asked me, “Don’t I deserve a world when I grow up?”
His words hit my heart. I took an inventory of myself. Whether I liked it or not, I was one of the adults Elian was speaking about. I want to be able to say to my kids and myself one day when they ask me what I did to support to shift of the tides of climate change and crisis, that I put my heart and mind into working with the community to make sure there is a world left for them to grow in, to play in, and to thrive in. I believe that learning in Columbia’s Climate and Society school will be one of the steps for me to continue on this lifelong journey.
March 21, 2024: Part 7
Climate change and social inequities loom large, demanding urgent action. While governments and communities work hard, the private sector, with its resources and innovation, holds a powerful position in addressing these challenges.
A position that resonates with me surrounding the financial and private sectors is the ability to mobilize so many people since at the end of the day we are all consumers. One aspect a classmate brought up is the extensive reach companies such as Coca-Cola have. If Coca-Cola provided funding for areas where large swaths of its products are provided, there could be communication methods put into place for possible climate action and adaptation. For instance, there could be small messages put onto Coca-Cola bottles and Coke products, surrounding what to do in case of climate-induced or enhanced natural disasters. Private companies for better or for worse have a large amount of power. What would happen if private sectors harnessed their power into climate messaging?
March 28, 2024: Part 8
What did I think about this class?
This class is actually one of my favorite classes, and this is not to be a suck up or to get extra credit. This class has been one of my favorites because of all of the different perspectives that are brought into this class. There are days where students may ask “Why are we doing this,” when a presenter speaks that doesn’t meet their interests. I used to be one of those students in essentially all of my classes the first semester at Columbia University, silently wondering to myself why I had asked for thousands of dollars in loans in order to receive an education about topics I did not care about, or see the importance in.
At that point in my graduate experience, I was resentful of the large focus on economics, finances, and mitigation measures such as carbon capture in the program. I would often wonder to myself how this was a climate and society program, it seemed more like a climate and finance program. I had come into the program to learn more about climate justice and climate equity, to learn how society thinks, communicates, and feels so I could learn how to better meet people so we could move forward together surrounding climate. I felt disenfranchised, burnt out, and so saddened to hear people’s lives and homes casually spoken about as “tradeoffs.”
This particular class supported in easing my burn out, because it had a focus on connection. Connecting to people who are experts in the field of climate - whether that’s a journalist, a scientist, finance worker, a government worker, an activist, a writer, an artist, a movie maker, or a teacher - was and is an invaluable experience. It’s all these people and all of the effort they pool that will create a difference. Connecting to our classmates through games and class discussions has proven to be important, to show that we are more than our productivity and our goals - in reality we’re all just people trying to make out way through a rigorous program, stand in our values, and hopefully find an opportunity for a steady income along the way. I am no longer as resentful of economics, finances, or mitigation measures. I understand it takes all of us to tip the needle in a positive direction, into a future where a liveable earth for all forms of life continues to be possible, and although I may not be the forefront of economics or mitigation I can now see the importance, the value, and the effort it takes to be a part of those movements. This class helps weave all the different aspects together, creating an opportunity to learn, connect, and sometimes offer a much needed break from the intensity of the overall climate program.
April 4, 2024: Part 9
Did simulating climate negotiations give you a new perspective on policy negotiations? What did you learn from the experience?
This did give me a new perspective on policy negotiations. For my past perspectives, I had a tendency to genuinely forget that policy makers are just people. I’ve had a habit of imagining that policy makers are bigger than life, and know more than the rest of us. In reality, they are just people making hard decisions, with the knowledge that they possess, with the biases based off of their own lives and community needs. To be able to genuinely advocate for the needs of one community, while trying to take into account the larger picture, is a difficult task for people to do. It does make me think and wonder about how in times of disaster, how policy makers may have trouble making decisions that are not out of fear, or trauma informed. For instance, if a local policy maker sees their hometown ravaged by flood, and is experiencing a human trauma response, they may not be able to make a purely rational decision, and rather make one that is based off protection, and even fear. This can impact a scientists work in communication, and the importance of people in communication, who are able to both speak to the science and to the people.
April 11, 2024: Part 10
What is your reaction to the speakers today? How can adaptation to climate change be done justly, how can it be organized, and who makes what decisions?
I genuinely enjoyed the variety of speakers today, and the emphasis the speakers had on community input, Indigenous tradition and knowledge, and how a just transition is when community voices are heard. It was especially interesting for me to learn more about how housing, as I used to work in the housing sector. The emphasis on creating safety as a major pillar was one that I really resonated with. It is incredibly difficult for people to function and think about the climate, if their basic needs are not met, and I greatly appreciated that the speakers put an emphasis on this. I also appreciated that there is acknowledgement that local community members, advocates, and organizations must be included in adaptation methods, and that top down approach alone is not enough and is not sustainable. To be able to create a long term plan surrounding adaptation the people most impacted, must be involved in decision making from the start, rather than an afterthought, or as tokenization.
April 18, 2024: Part 11
Reflect on what you’ve learned throughout the semester and what you are considering for the next step in your Climate Pathway after C&S.
Wow, an intense question. Throughout this semester, something that has come as a big message for me both in and outside of the classroom, is that without balance in life, I cannot tangibly hope to be much help and support to others, community, and the Earth. I have seen speaker after speaker come in, each putting effort in their own ways to shift the tides of climate change, and I have recognized that there is no one way to support the planet. Coming into the climate school, I had come from a grassroots activist background. In all honesty, I was burnt out. I was tired of fighting the way I had been, and knew I had to change.
Throughout the semester, I have begun to learn and navigate the importance of balance in my own life, and in this fight against rising temperatures and sea rise. The fight for a livable planet is one with a timeline on it, and there is also the recognition that there are many players. Burn out culture seems to be incredibly real in the climate space, which makes sense and is understandable. We only have so much time. And we will all last so much longer, if we allow ourselves balance, if we allow ourselves rest. If we allow others to take the weight for a bit, and then allow ourselves to come back later. We are of no use in this transition if we are all burnt out, and working in unsustainable levels, at least I am not of use.
As we listened to our speakers, I heard them all come from different perspectives. They came from perspectives of peace, science, policy, innovation, advocacy, communication, and so many more and what I took in was there is no one way to show up for the earth or community. Some of us are going to go fast and furious, some of us will go moderately, and some of us will go slowly and we are all needed.
My next steps in my climate pathway are to continue my research in climate equity, and returning to climate education in some capacity. I have realized throughout this year, that the moments in class I was most engaged was the times I was teaching, asking questions, and working together to find a common solution. I’m excited to return to teaching, with new skills, new hopes, and new resources.
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CUTI Podcast Exposes Healthcare's Dirty Secret about Chronic Urinary Tract Infections
March 8th is International Women's Day
Women have gotten the short end of the proverbial stick in health care for centuries. Is it getting better? Yes, but slowly and with resistance from those manly men who feel society doesn't give them enough respect anymore.
Consider some examples. For decades, the dosage of over-the-counter and prescription drugs was calculated based on only on male physiology. When crash dummies were first developed for auto safety tests, male crash dummies were exclusively used. Heart attacks among women were under diagnosed for decades and still are ignored because the symptoms for women are different.
According to a 2022 NPR report, one study shows that middle-aged women with chest pain were twice as likely to be diagnosed with a mental illness than their male counterparts. Another study found that women and people of color who visited emergency rooms with chest pain waited longer to be seen by a doctor.
How about urinary tract infections (UTIs)? Women get UTIs up to 30 times more often than men do. Also, as many as 4 in 10 women who get a UTI will get at least one more within six months. Women get UTIs more often because a woman's urethra (the tube from the bladder to where the urine comes out of the body) is shorter than a man's.
Does that data mean that UTIs are a "female problem?" No, it's a health care diagnosis and treatment problem.
According to podcast producer Verity De Cala for Roadhouse Transmissions, "Chronic UTIs (CUTI) are one of the most neglected health issues facing women today."
In a three-part documentary podcast series beginning March 8, CUTI will be available for listening. Told through the eyes of the patients, expert researchers and doctors in the field, it's a story that highlights the worst effects of the gender health gap and interrogates how we view women in pain.
Why produce such a podcast?
Verity explains: "The Roundhouse is a hub of inspiration where artists and emerging talent create extraordinary work and where young people can grow creatively as individuals. We believe in the power of creativity to change lives. By giving young people the chance to engage with the arts through our music, media and performance projects, we inspire them to reach further, dream bigger, and achieve more."
Beginning March 8th, producer and host Verity de Cala will guide you through this three-part narrative series with every episode carefully soundscaped to capture the complicated world of living with CUTI, the science, and culture that surrounds the illness.
Guests include experts in the field: Dr Cat Anderson, Dr Raj Khasriya, Professor Jennifer Rhon, campaign group CUTIC, and stories from women living with CUTI.
Here's how the episodes will be released and the specific topic of each episode:
E1 released 03/08/2023 CUTI - Tests, Misogyny and Misconceptions - If something doesn't have a name, can it exist? We look at how misconceptions, misogyny and a lack of research, have not only shaped science, but also the patients experiences...
E2 released 03/15/2023 CUTI - Treatment, Antibiotics and Changing Attitudes - Why is it so hard to find the right treatment for CUTI? We look at how CUTI patients find treatment, what it's costing them, the
pressures on doctors prescribing antibiotics, and ask - are there any better alternatives... ?
E3 released 03/22/2023 CUTI - Coping, Community and UTIs in children - How does living with a UTI affect your daily life? We explore the importance of supportive communities, the work of activists, and investigate the growing problem of UTls in children.
Verity details the issues surrounding CUTI. "Imagine battling an illness that doctors tell many women doesn't exist."
Verity notes that half of all women will suffer with a UTI at some point in their lives, and luckily for most, it goes away. But for a growing number of women, that simply isn't the case. For these women the symptoms can persist for months, which turns into years, and it becomes a chronic UTI.
For example, research from Penn Medicine concludes that the cranberry juice cure is one of the most commonly believed myths about treating UTIs.
According to Penn, "Don’t for a minute think that a bottle of cranberry juice can replace a visit to your doctor or proper medication. It turns out cranberry juice isn’t nearly as effective as many people think."
In these three podcast episodes, you will hear the personal stories of women suffering from CUTI. These women have dealt with outdated testing, extended waits for a diagnosis, and then being told, "your pain isn't real. It's all in your head."
Remember when doctors claimed fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) were identified initially as "all in your head" conditions? Both conditions affected women at a higher rate than men. Not anymore. With more research came awareness that both conditions resulted from a constellation of factors, and treatment protocols have been developed.
CUTI reflects the very worst of how health care professionals around the world continue to view women's pain in society.
Verity De Cala puts that statement into perspective. "With over 1.7 million women thought to be suffering in the UK, what is it like to fight a CUTI? After all, it's an illness that doctors don't understand, or even worse, don't believe women have."
Although the narrative is based in the U.K., CUTI is a pressing health issue for women in the U.S. and around the world.
Women have filled the knowledge void left by doctors and health care organizations about chronic UTIs with online forums, charities and support groups.
Check out this three-part documentary podcast CUTI to understand how women are suffering for years from a condition that health care professionals didn't fully understand, misdiagnosed, and then provided ineffective treatment options, if they offered any at all other than drinking cranberry juice.
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Karina's First Anniverdiary with Teo 💜
August 13, D-4
4 Songs 4 You
1. Maudy Ayunda - Perahu Kertas
This song is a must. The melody is so beautiful to listen and this part of lyrics fits my situation with Teo.
"I'm grateful
You have born in this world
And you're there
Amongst billions of people
And I am able
to find you
With my radar"
2. Stray Kids - Story that Won't End
(Lyrics translate credits: pop!gasa, colorcoded lyrics)
I remember the day we first met
The shy smiles and the spilling sunlight
I knew, just by looking into your eyes
That we are one, that we are one
You are me
Whenever you smile, whenever you struggle
I’ll always protect you, for you
I can even jump across time to go to you
I believe I believe
Even if the world changes, I won’t change
Will you promise me?
In this beautiful place
All of the memories of loving you
Will become a story that never ends and shine
Never say goodbye, because you and I are one
Because we will walk in the same dream
Please just smile next to me like you are now
Farther than tomorrow, longer than forever
I love you
On nights I couldn’t sleep because of my worries
I used to look at you and promise to the sky
Even my dreams that are so far away
I promised I wouldn’t let go
Even if you get lost and get lonely for a moment
Listen to my small breath, my voice
If you call me, I’ll find you, wherever you are
I promised I wouldn’t cry, even in stormy days
I promised to hold you even more warmly
And protect you
The love you gave me remains
That’s how I have the strength to live
You don’t cry
Let’s save the goodbyes for the next time we meet
Never cry
The story we made remains like this
It’ll make our endless days so beautiful
I want to live with bright dreams, always
Forever in you
Never say goodbye, because you and I are one
Because we will walk in the same dream
Please just smile next to me like you are now
Farther than tomorrow, longer than forever
I love you
The words I love you might be a bit typical
But I can’t save those words
Because I love you more than anything in the world
I’m waiting for a tomorrow
That I will live for you
All day, making a story that won’t ever end
The ending is like the title
Please just smile next to me like you are now
Farther than tomorrow, longer than forever
My love
Never say goodbye, because you and I are one
Because we will walk in the same dream
Please just smile next to me like you are now
Farther than tomorrow, longer than forever
I love you
3. ONEWE - Starlight
The whole lyrics is my feelings for you, Teo 💜
(Lyrics translate credits https://onewelyrics.carrd.co/#starlight)
Because of your smile,
more brilliantly beautiful than the stars
I came to know a world
more brilliantly beautiful than the stars
I pray for you
I sing for you
saying all will get better
I pray for you
I sing for you
saying everything will improve
Because of your smile
More brilliantly beautiful than the stars
I came to know a love
More brilliantly beautiful than the stars
The love that you gave me
fills my heart to overflowing
and I forget all the things
that have hurt me until now
Because of your smile
More brilliantly beautiful than the stars
I came to know a world
More brilliantly beautiful than the stars
I came to know your love
I came to know you
4. DAY6 - Thanks to
(I wish I can give this song to my irl Teo someday.)
From the beginning to this day
You’ve given me everlasting devotion
Didn’t matter how I was
You were always by my side
I never thought my heart could be filled
But you have completed me
Now I can share my love with you
Because I have enough to give
You’ve given me
Everything you had, but still
You want to give me more
How can that be possible
(Thanks to)
You always held me in your embrace
When I was covered in cuts and bruises
You gave me happiness
It’s all thanks to you
Now come into my arms
(Thanks to)
Nobody in this world
Is more precious to me than you
You always gave me your love
Now I can give it back to you
Thank you for letting me know
“I love you”, you are the one
Who told me that
Even when didn’t say
You showed me
That this is love
You’ve taught me
I thank you
Still, I sometimes wonder
How you can
Unconditionally
Love and care for me
(Thanks to)
You always held me in your embrace
When I was covered in cuts and bruises
You gave me happiness
It’s all thanks to you
Now come into my arms
(Thanks to)
Nobody in this world
Is more precious to me than you
You always gave me your love
Now I can give it back to you
Thank you for letting me know
(Thanks to)
You always held me in your embrace
When I was covered in cuts and bruises
You gave me happiness
It’s all thanks to you
Now come into my arms
(Thanks to)
Nobody in this world
Is more precious to me than you
You always gave me your love
Now I can give it back to you
Thank you for letting me know
Bye Bye
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Existenial Magazine's March Music Roundup
With the month coming to a close, we’re sharing just a handful of our favourite new releases we’ve discovered this March! Sit back, put on our New Music Friday playlist and spend a few minutes enjoying fresh new tunes hand-picked by us.
Five Door Sedan - Darlin’ You
Born out of Berklee Online School of Music where both the writers attend, Five Door Sedan are here to share their debut single ‘Darlin’ You’ that utterly defines their incredibly promising indie sound, showcasing craftsmanship well beyond their years together. Beautifully leading into the release with a first verse of just groovy electric guitar riff and their vocalist’s impressively clean delivery, ‘Darlin’ You’ right away feels a little intimate but bright, and the pre-chorus only picks up even further into addictive indie-goodness. From a funky bassline to subtle clashing drums, there’s not a moment of the sound you won’t feel both emotionally intwined within whilst also urged to get on your feet and dance away the woes. The chorus atmospherically flourishes though, taking a truly romantic stylistic approach that feels as though it encourages slow dancing away the pain that the sound so effortlessly seems to bury, and with a saxophone taking reigns on the bridge you’ll surely never be disappointed in any moment of this show-stopping release. With their lyricism deeply close to the heart, ‘Darlin’ You’ doesn’t seem as sweet and innocently wrapped up in romance as its soundscape sets it up to be, pained by a heartbreak and yet still appreciative to have loved and lost: ‘Why do we laugh when it’s so hard? What is a life without the pain?’ Seemingly encapsulating a toxic partnership, ‘Darlin’ You’ errs on the bittersweet edge of still carrying the heavy amounts of love for someone you know you’re better off without: ‘darling you, you cut me open and tear me apart.’ All in all, this four and a half minute journey is a gift that doesn’t stop giving, and truly a remarkable first feat for Five Door Sedan.
Tim Nova - I Believe in You
After spending 2022 writing and self-releasing his music, Tim Nova returns to 2023 with a new single ‘I Believe in You’ that boasts a positive message you won’t be able to shake. Channeling a bright indie sound, ‘I Believe in You’ shimmers in tones that seep with a vibrancy and bursting spirits, immediately welcoming you into its nearing three minute journey and offering a place to take respite from the world. Gorgeous electric guitar reigns in striking slow riffs, with a pounding drum and atmospherically built synth that all together can’t help but feel a little reminiscent of Coldplay and yet so distinctly Tim’s own sound. His soaring vocals lace between the sound like they were made to complement it, bundling an emotional resonance that makes ‘I Believe in You’ all the more comforting. With a message pleading for people to support their loved ones in their dreams and aspirations, ‘I Believe in You’ engrains some of Tim’s own experience as a striving artist, looking to connect to an audience who may be more wary of untraditional paths and struggling to comprehend the choices of those they care for. But even if it doesn’t reach them, ‘I Believe in You’ still proves to be an uplifting and relatable message that many can listen to and feel appreciated within even if their loved ones don’t carry the same perspective, finding solace in Tim’s words and the growing foundations he’s built for himself as an artist: ‘Do you ever feel like giving up? …All you wanna hear them say is “I believe in you?”’
TWINFLAME - I’M NOT HIM
Having spent the last three years conceptualising TWINFLAME, the duo look to take upon a new wave of queer artistry, vulnerability, and world-building, and their newest offering ‘I’M NOT HIM’ shows off the utter velocity of their vision. Blending between genres, ‘I’M NOT HIM’ seems to fall within a category of its own, bearing an edge of emo amidst alt-rock, electronic and indie stylings moulded into one distinctly catchy and original single. Deep moody beats litter the soundscape of the verse along with other electronic effects, complemented only by their vocalist’s self-assured spoken-sung performance seeping with a confident sultry edge. As the beat finds itself replaced by clashing drums for the choruses interlude, ‘I’M NOT HIM’ takes a moment to fall more into rocky roots and harsh backing vocals add another subtle element of spice to a song that has much to offer. As this release builds upon their central mission as a pair to empower queer individuals who feel misconceived by mainstream society, ‘I’M NOT HIM’ lyrically channels the adversity that comes with fully embracing your life as a queer person whilst on the surface still providing something utterly addictive and sure to be played on repeat. As lines like ‘I don’t want this sh*t to happen just behind the door’ emphasise the difficulty many face in feeling they cannot outwardly be themselves, TWINFLAME are here to encourage you to embrace your queer identity and be wholeheartedly yourself for everyone to see.
Heart Foundation - Bad News (Do Better)
Brothers Sam and Luke found themselves forming their own impressive alt-rock and indie duo in Heart Foundation, coming together after years of recoding music out of their bedroom for only their childhood ears to hear, and debuting with new single ‘Bad News (Do Better)’ will surely get them on everyone’s radar. Sweetly leading with acoustic guitar strums and vocals that soar with a hint of reverb, the track feels reminiscent of that of a modern Oasis, infusing rock into more of an indie bedding that’s utterly mesmerising. Picking up with some drum beats and a lurking bassline, ‘Bad News (Do Better)’ can’t help but sound rather minimal in the soundscape, somehow fleshed out and yet still completely raw and tender beneath it. Their vocalist soars in the gentle swaying, with a deep and resonant tone catching every fleck of emotion behind the words delivered, truly making it an experience that’ll resonate with you for a long time to come. Utilising an analog recording process through tape machines, hardware reverbs and vintage synthesisers, it’s no surprise that ‘Bad News (Do Better)’ is a song that captures a sense of being lost in time, enriched with a nostalgia that the sound alone invokes. Feeling dipped in a woeful melancholia and regret through saddening beats and strums, its no surprise that the lyrics only further emphasise that with intimate storytelling seemingly journeying through a breakup the fault of the protagonist who can’t help but reminisce and wish they’d done things differently: ‘I’ve been a cold lover, I’ve took you for granted, your heart went up in flames and it’s still not landed.’
HIGHWAYVES - PLASTIC
For fans of The 1975, Beabadoobee and Yungblud, the genre-blending up-comer HIGHWAYVES bears a distinctly unique sound of their own amidst shoegaze, rock, and indie sensibilities all shining through their new single ‘PLASTIC.’ With striking drum beats, rich electric guitar twangs and the occasional shimmering synth, ‘PLASTIC’ is a song that captures the pure grittiness of rock whilst leaning into the addictive flavouring of indie all at once. As the chorus absolutely soars into an atmospheric high, the instrumentals all peak in volume and brightness with intermittent bursts of drawn out notes to truly allow for HIGHWAYVES pop-punk reminiscent vocals to shine too. Lyrically exploring the aching sadness that comes with watching a friend lose interest in you, ‘PLASTIC’ can’t help but harbour a resentment towards how their friend has changed while distancing themselves from you, whilst also edging on a sense of heartbreak for their loss in a completely platonic way: ‘you’re plastic now, you’ve let your colours out.’ Anyone who’s lost a friend will find themselves resonating with something HIGHWAYVES has to say whether it tells a story you relate to entirely or not, and it doesn’t hesitate in offering a very real and personally pained experience moulding together a mass of emotions run high. It’s without a doubt HIGHWAYVES has a sound alike no other, and ‘PLASTIC’ is a truly exceptional mix of catchy instrumentals with a message that matters.
Natalie - Evil
Anti-genre producer, songwriter and vocalist Natalie has been breaking down the limitations of genre since her 2018 debut, seamlessly infusing pop toplines with alternative R&B production and now reigning with a new single ‘Evil’ that’s taken an electronic-pop edge. With an almost eerie bell melody leading things into ‘Evil’ , it immediately makes its presence known as a darker more mysterious track with a lot to unpack beneath its surface. Synth bass takes complete control of the soundscape thereafter though, pounding in resonance whilst drums lean into more of a subtle creeping edge themselves, together minimal and yet incredibly powerful in how they infuse for a production evolving throughout. All commandeered by Natalie’s sultry, self-assured vocals, her higher vocal range can’t help but profoundly contrast the track’s lower tones in a way that makes the entire performance completely mesmerising. As Natalie looks to talk on her own experiences and give more representation to sapphic relations within her lyricism, ‘Evil’ lyrically journeys through the notion of sapphic desire being sinful, mocking this behaviour through her outlandishly exaggerated lyrical perspective. Adopting almost a demonic perspective to mock societal norms, lines like ‘turn a good girl evil’ take back the power that’s been stripped away for far too long, almost embracing the perspective for wholehearted irony. Natalie displays a meticulous awareness of not just how to craft a good sound, but how infuse a lyrical message that fits so perfectly within it that the sound could almost speak alone, and for that we truly think ‘Evil’ is a piece of art worth appreciating for yourself.
Molly Baker - Beautiful Chaos
Taking the music scene by storm with her newest offering off of her upcoming debut album, Molly Baker’s latest single ‘Beautiful Chaos’ bridges indie-pop and indie-rock with one hell of an anthemic tune to be played loud and on repeat. Gritty electric guitar lurks in the background of ‘Beautiful Chaos’, with a dominant drum beat finding itself the focal point of the soundscape, keeping the speeding pacing at a high and your adrenaline even higher. Molly’s gorgeous vocals complement the head-banging soundscape, confidently delivering every line and adding a perfect hint of clean vocals to an otherwise instrumentally raw release. The chorus only picks up further, exploding with the catchiest lyrical hook and a sound sure to get you on your feet if you weren’t already. Written about the painful ride from the first day of high school to ultimately graduating, ‘Beautiful Chaos’ wraps up all the good and bad memories of the all-too-familiar youthful adventures we’ve all been on at one point. Whether your memories are as fond as Molly’s or not, ‘Beautiful Chaos’ is sure to make you feel a little bit of the pep and nostalgia of your younger days and a brimming motivation to take hold of your life even in similarly stressful but beautiful situations: ‘I’ll miss having too much to do and too little sleep… even when we feel dead inside, we’re still having the time of our lives.’ Relive your own high school days or find some solace in Molly’s, with ‘Beautiful Chaos’ undoubtably becoming a song you’ll want on loop indefinitely.
Tom Fleur - I Dread To Think What I’d Do (Without You)
Inspired by 60s Girl Groups and The Smiths, the upcoming artist Tom Fleur’s second ever single ‘I Dread To Think What I’d Do (Without You)’ shines in a nostalgically glistening soundscape that’s sure to whisk you away to a place above the clouds. Packed with reverb, this gorgeous single creates a bedding of ethereality right from the beginning, with soaring electric guitar, steady drums and Tom’s floating vocals all intertwining for a magical sound that provides the same enchanting experience of uncovering an old vhs once lost in the past and now uncovered and cherished for the secrets it had tucked away. As every word echoes into the vast soundscape there’s not a moment of this listening experience that feels real, like rose-tinted glasses cloud your vision throughout the nearing three minute duration, encouraging you look around and soak up the beauty around you. Lyrically exploring the mundane moments with your loved ones, ‘I Dread To Think What I’d Do (Without You)’ soars with an appreciation for the everyday, finding happiness in the littlest things so long as they’re shared with those you care for. There’s not a moment of this brightly shining single that doesn’t radiate warmth and the purest of hearts, sure to pick you up in your lowest of moments and remind you to look no further than those around you for a shed of light in the dark: ‘you’ve fallen asleep watching the news, at peace in the living room, on a lazy afternoon.’ Find yourself falling for a sound that captures an essence of the past as well as treasuring the present, all in ‘I Dread To Think What I’d Do (Without You).’
Torpey - Why Won’t The World Stop Turning
A little reminiscent of greats like Oasis comes the up-comer Torpey boasting a gorgeous acoustic release ‘Why Won’t The World Stop Turning?’ Began soft and sincere, seeing just acoustic guitar plucks and strums intricately laying the bedding of such a tender but powerful release, things are paired-back but not limited by it. Backed up by Torpey’s vocals that profoundly ring into the vast soundscape, he provides a deep rich tone with a confident delivery you can’t help but ache along with the emotionally impactful enchantment of. Things gently build as they progress, adding delicate percussion along the journey before one final atmospheric moment sees all instrumentals soaring into their own high alongside dreamy backing vocals to match. With a message that seems shackled down by the weight of the day-to-day, Torpey sings of wishing for the world to stop turning and time to stop passing, needing a break from the ever-going stresses: ‘Why won’t the world stop turning when the lights go dark? …I need a break from this motion, I’m lost alone and the world won’t end.’ This message feels seeped in melancholia, carrying a bleakness and desperation made all the more hard-hitting by Torpey’s delivery of it all, and somehow all of that is that makes ‘Why Won’t The World Stop Turning’ so beautiful. If Torpey’s acoustic anthem reaches out to you, you’ll surely find comfort in such a gorgeous sound and a narrative all-too relatable to most.
Daragh - Don’t Let It Get To You
Closing out our roundup this month is the heart-on-its-sleeve ‘Don’t Let It Get To You’, the latest single by upcoming artist Daragh, or otherwise known to be the recording project of Daragh Murphy who takes inspiration from the realities of everyday life. With sincerely strummed, bright electric guitar and a softly padding drum beat, ‘Don’t Let It Get To You’ commences with an air of easy-going tranquility that can’t help but put you at ease. Leading you through a mesmerising journey taking on the sonics of 80s British guitar pop alongside more of a crisp modern-day contemporary pop sound, ‘Don’t Let It Get To You’ can’t help but feel a little whimsical and nostalgic all whilst being refreshingly new and unique. This bedding of familiarity and softness urges you rest in-between the arms of its instrumentals, comforted in each striking note and made to feel reassured by each line. Daragh’s vocals beautifully glide across this slow sound, carrying an amiability in character and a deep, rich tone in delivery that together make for an authentic and deeply personal resonance in every line that’s sung. Boasting a message that most need to hear, Daragh writes of a protagonist learning to deal with the opinions and criticisms of others, channeling the difficulties of letting go of the negative and taking on board the feedback truly worth listening to: ‘Don’t let it get to you, it’s just somebody else’s opinion.’ In a world consumed by social media and its flooding mass of unwarranted opinions, ‘Don’t Let It Get To You’ is a song sure to remind you that it’s important to know what to move on from and how to free yourself from the all-consuming critiques of others.
Give a listen to these songs and more in our New Music Friday playlist this week, or see our Roundup Recap playlist for every song previously featured in one of our monthly roundups that you might have missed!
Written by: Tatiana Whybrow
// This coverage was created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator.
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My Sunday Daily Blessings
December 18, 2022
Be still quiet your heart and mind, the LORD is here, loving you talking to you...........
Fourth Sunday of Advent (Roman Rite Calendar)
Lectionary 10, Cycle A
First Reading: Isaiah 7: 10-14
The LORD spoke to Ahaz, saying:
Ask for a sign from the LORD, your God; let it be deep as the netherworld, or high as the sky!
But Ahaz answered, "I will not ask! I will not tempt the LORD!"
Then Isaiah said:
Listen, O house of David!
Is it not enough for you to weary people, must you also weary my God? Therefore the Lord himself will give you this sign: the virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall name him Emmanuel.
Responsorial Psalm: Psalm 24:1-2,3-4, 5-6
"Let the Lord enter; he is king of glory."
Second Reading: Romans 1:1-7
Paul, a slave of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle and set apart for the gospel of God, which he promised previously through his prophets in the holy Scriptures, the gospel about his Son, descended from David according to the flesh, but established as Son of God in power according to the Spirit of holiness through resurrection from the dead, Jesus Christ our Lord.
Through him we have received the grace of apostleship, to bring about the obedience of faith, for the sake of his name, among all the Gentiles, among whom are you also, who are called to belong to Jesus Christ; to all the beloved of God in Rome, called to be holy. Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
Verse before the Gospel: Matthew 1:23
R: Alleluia, Alleluia
"The virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel."
R: Alleluia, Alleluia
**Gospel: Matthew 1:18-24
This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about.
When his mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found with child through the Holy Spirit.
Joseph her husband, since he was a righteous man, yet unwilling to expose her to shame, decided to divorce her quietly.
Such was his intention when, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home. For it is through the Holy Spirit that this child has been conceived in her. She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins." All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel,
which means "God is with us."
When Joseph awoke, he did as the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took his wife into his home.
**Meditation:
Do you hold on to the promises of God at all times, especially when you are faced with uncertainty or adversity? The prophet Isaiah spoke words of hope in a hopeless situation for Israel. When Ahaz, the apostate king of Judah and heir to the throne of David (735 B.C.) was surrounded by forces that threatened to destroy him and his people, God offered him a sign to reassure him that God would not abandon the promise he made to David and his descendants. King Ahaz, however, had lost hope in God and refused to ask for a sign of favor. God, nonetheless, gave a sign to assure his people that he would indeed give them a Savior who would rule with peace and righteousness (Isaiah 7:11ff). Like the prophet Isaiah we are called "in hope to believe against hope" (Romans 4:18) that God can and will fulfill all his promises.
Mary was found to be with child of the Holy Spirit
Mary had to face an enormous challenge to her faith and trust in God and to the faith of her family and Joseph, the man she chose to marry. She was asked to assume a burden of tremendous responsibility. It had never been heard of before that a child could be born without a natural father. Mary was asked to accept this miraculous exception to the laws of nature. That required faith and trust in God and in his promises. Second, Mary was not yet married. Pregnancy outside of wedlock was not tolerated in those days. Mary was only espoused to Joseph, and such an engagement had to last for a whole year. She was asked to assume a great risk. She could have been rejected by Joseph, by her family, by all her own people. Mary knew that Joseph and her family would not understand without revelation from God. She nonetheless believed and trusted in God's promises.
Joseph believed the angel's message "that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit"
Joseph, a just and God-fearing man, did not wish to embarrass or punish his espoused wife, Mary when he discovered that she was pregnant. To all appearances she had broken their solemn pledge to be faithful and chaste to one another. Joseph, no doubt took this troubling matter to God in prayer. He was not hasty to judge or to react with hurt and anger. God rewarded him not only with guidance and consolation, but with the divine assurance that he had indeed called Joseph to be the husband of Mary and to assume a mission that would require the utmost faith, confidence, and trust in Almighty God. Joseph believed in the divine message to take Mary as his wife and to accept the child in her womb as the promised Messiah.
A model of faith for us
Like Mary, Joseph is a model of faith for us. He is a faithful witness and servant of God's unfolding plan of redemption. Are you ready to believe in the promises of God, even when faced with perplexing circumstances and what seems like insurmountable problems? God has not left us alone, but has brought us his only begotten Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Let us celebrate Christmas, the feast of the Incarnation, with joyful hearts and let us renew our faith and hope in God and in his redeeming work.
Lord Jesus, you came to save us from sin and the power of death. May I always rejoice in your salvation and trust in your divine plan for my life.
Sources:
Lectionary for Mass for use in the Dioceses of the United States, second typical edition, copyright (c) 2001, 1998, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine; Psalm refrain (c) 1968, 1981, 1997, international committee on english in the liturgy, Inc All rights reserved. Neither this work nor any part of it may be reproduced, distributed, performed or displayed in any medium, including electronic or digital, without permission in writing from the copyright owner
**Meditations may be freely reprinted and translated into other languages for non-profit use only. Please cite copyright and original source. Copyright 2021 Daily Scripture Readings and Meditation, dailyscripture.net author Don Schwager
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425 of 2022
L is for the way you look at me…
The kind of person you’re first attracted to.
I don’t pay much attention to looks, except for eyes. Personality is what matters to me more, as I don’t fall for people at first sight. You’re gonna win my heart (or be very likely to) if you’re kind, caring, fairly intelligent, respectful and overall a genuine person.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Nope, I’m a realist.
How do you show someone you are interested?
I become an idiot lol. I avoid looking at them because every time I do, I start blushing. XD I may get talkative, too.
Is there such thing as a perfect relationship?
I believe everyone has their own idea of perfection, and that so-called “universal perfection” doesn’t exist.
How do you know when someone thinks you’re attractive?
I don’t. I’m oblivious to that body language stuff.
How do you know it’s right?
I just don’t.
Could you date someone who has been only your friend for a long time?
I’ve only dated like that. The fact people fall for strangers is utterly baffling to me.
What do you wear to attract the opposite sex?
Lmao I’m gay. XD I don’t dress to impress others and I really don’t care if the opposite sex is attracted to me or not. I am not attracted to women in any other way than platonic, so why would I try to impress them with my looks?
What makes someone sexy?
Their brains. And kindness.
Are you uncomfortable staring into someone’s eyes who likes you?
More if I like them.
Do you come across as confident, sexy, friendly, subtle, or innocent?
Probably friendly, and it’s okay. I don’t even want to be seen as sexy in any way.
When someone catches your eye, do you try to make eye contact or avoid it?
Avoid it, if it’s accidental. But when I’m talking with someone, it’s no problem.
Your favorite colors of eyes in the opposite sex:
I don’t care about the opposite sex.
What makes you sexy?
Hopefully nothing.
O is for the only one I see…
Describe your significant other or crush.
Shorter than me, hazel eyes, dark hair going grey, slightly overweight, doesn’t care what people think about him, blunt but caring. And not afraid of hard work.
When are you the most happy in a relationship?
When I know I can count on my husband and he knows he can count on me, too.
Do you believe in soul mates? Have you found yours?
I do and yes, I have.
How many people have broken your heart?
One.
Would you ever cheat or have you ever cheated?
No and no.
Have you ever loved someone who didn’t love you back?
Yeah, happened. Falling for straight guys lol.
Have you ever given someone your entire heart?
Yeah, my ex Nielsje and my husband. I don’t regret.
What kind of things do you do to show someone you are theirs?
I’m there for them.
Is there ever a happily ever after?
Looks like there is.
Do you want to grow old with someone or be single?
Since the marriage happened, I want things to stay this way.
Are you a hopeless romantic?
Not at all.
What’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever done for you?
He stayed with me overnight just to listen to me.
What are you like when you’re in love?
Over the moon happy.
Describe your dream person.
I think I did it already.
V is very, very extraordinary…
What has been the weirdest date you’ve ever been on?
Can’t think of anything.
And the very best?
Either Oostende or the Irish pub, or the Netherlands.
What’s the most money a boyfriend or girlfriend has spent on you?
He bought me beer, he always does when we go out. I like it that way.
And the most you’ve spent on them?
I buy food for us both. He pays the bills. It’s enough.
Which one of your relationships was the shortest?
Jay, six months. Strange to think we’ve been friends for years prior that.
Which was the longest?
My husband, over 4 years.
Are you friends with any of your exes?
Yes, with Nielsje. I still love him on a way.
Do you wish you were back together with any of your exes?
No, the past is the past. I’m gllad to have a wonderful friend, though.
Do you ever have dreams about your exes?
No, never.
If you want to get married, what age?
I’m married already.
Are you open or closed because of past hurt?
I rarely talk about it.
What is your philosophy on love?
There are many types of love, much more than just romantic.
Who do you secretly yearn for?
No one, and the one I have I don’t need to yearn for.
E is even more than anyone that you adore…
The reason you love your significant other or crush.
He’s my best friend ever.
Would you change yourself for someone you loved?
No. You either love me for who I am or you don’t love me at all, the only change I’d consider is personal growth to become a better person.
Would you give up a dream for someone you loved?
No. You knew what you were taking.
Would you quit a job for someone you loved?
No. I love my job way too much.
The thing you love about relationships:
Having someone to just be with.
The thing you love about being single:
No grumpy men around.
The person who’s on your mind right now:
My husband and why is he playing that game tonight.
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