#my moods shift so often so it's hard to ever feel like i'm doing well but. yeah | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

angelltheninth · 15 days

Note

hi! love your blog, hope you’re happy and well.

the idea of Arcane characters being with a fem s/o with a high sex drive has been living in my head rent-free.

like, in my mind, them walking into the room and her being “””busy””” 😳😳😳 is something that’d be very likely to happen often because of her libido, could you elaborate some kinky sh based on that? pretty please?

(if you do write about it pls don’t forget to include the baddies: sevika, finn, vander, viktor, ekko, marcus)

♡ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ♡

Ekko is not a baddie, he is in fact the BESTEST EVER.

Pairing: Vander, Sevika, Marcus, Finn, Ekko, Viktor x Fem!Reader

Tags: nsfw, smut, high libito, masturbation, watching, masturbation instruction, lots of cum, marathon sex, dirty talk

A/N: Must be a lot to have a high libito.

Vander is so damn tired after a long day of work. All he wants to do is cuddle up next his favorite lady, maybe talk about some of the highlights of his day and then fall asleep. Imagine his surprise when he finds you masturbating instead.

Might be too tired to join you but he can always enjoy a good show. You don't have to have sex in order to have a good time and make each other feel good. Your pussy on display is enough for him.

"I come in and this is what you're up to to darlin'. Not even waiting for me, just going at it without a care in the world. You ain't gonna get shy on me now, you do what you need to do, give that hole all the attention it deservers, I'll watch you."

Sevika expected this, after all she's been dating you for a while. She's got no problem seeing you masturbating when you need it. The only thing she's mad about is you not telling her that you were in the mood.

As she approaches you she pulls your hand away from your pussy, giving it a hard slap. You didn't wait for her, now she has to punish you. But with your libito a full night of non-stop sex might be just what you need.

"See how well you'll be standing after I'm done fucking you. Not even gonna be able to touch this pussy without coming on the spot. That's it sweetheart, show me that needy cunt."

Marcus hardly has energy for much of anything after a long Enforcer shift Especially since he recently became the new boss. By now he's gotten used to walking in on you fingering yourself.

He is however in need of being in control so he wants to tell you what to do. As you take a seat on the edge of the bed he kneels down to have a better look, to make sure you're not touching when you're not supposed to. And also to kiss your pussy when you're doing good.

"Need me to keep your legs open for you sweetheart? I need to touch you too, I miss you. Wait, now, wait, I didn't say you could move your fingers yet, let the pleasure build up, then start moving them in and out very, very slowly."

Finn doesn't allow you to touch yourself without him being there to witness if. Breaking that rule means you're ready for the punishment that comes with it. No matter what it is.

For your punishment he won't let you have a wink of sleep for the entire night, he'll use you how he sees fit. Not just your pussy, and not just once. You'll never think of not obeying him again because you will never be able to match the pleasure he gives you.

"Open up kitten, come on, I said open up! You couldn't listen to my words, but you seem to be able to understand everything when you have a cock in you. Guess I'll have to keep it in all the time, to make sure you listen to what I say."

Ekko shows up exactly on time to see you get started. Did you think he'd miss this and let you have all the fun by yourself. No way is he gonna let his girl fuck herself when he can do it himself.

There are times when he's a bit late but in general he's on time, already hard and his ball full of cum for you. You want all of it, all over you and he's more than happy to let you have it. But you already had a bit of a headstart so you owe him at least one orgasm.

"All this cum on you and my Firefly still still wants more. I knew what you were like when I got together with you, and hey, you want me all day every day, what's there to be complain about. Want it again already, then get me hard again, it won't take long."

Viktor knows you're masturbating before he opens the door, you're not exactly quiet. He's happy you weren't doing it in the living room this time. There was a big mess to clean up last time.

Cock in hand he's seated and ready to masturbate with you. But if you want his fingers on you he can do that too, with him on a bed, you sucking his cock and him reaching over your soft ass to push his fingers into your wanting pussy.

"Closer darling, a bit closer, I want to get my fingers fully in there. You deserve my all if I'm gonna give you anything, I'm always willing to do this for you. I'm adding another finger, gonna make you full okay, so full, make you feel so loved."

#arcane x reader #vander x reader #sevika x reader #marcus x reader #finn x reader #ekko x reader #viktor x reader #arcane imagines #arcane headcanon #arcane smut #arcane x you #arcane x female reader #league of legends x reader #league of legends imagine #league of legends headcanon #league of legends smut #league of legends x you #league of legends x female reader #x female reader

145 notes · View notes

garfield-mug · 7 months

Note

Could I maybe request some cozy comfort with Jake? A rainy day spent inside with him or something like that, whatever you’re up to, thanks in advance!

A/N: i passed my chem exam so here's a treat! idk how i feel about it, but i don't hate it. would've gotten to this sooner but had halloween plans this weekend, which were very fun. hope you like it! also, i'm getting back into using desk top and it's.... different lmao. also not proof read too hard, so please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors. also, requests are still open!

synopsis: in which you want to remember all that you can during your time with jake.

word count: 1.1k

warnings: none, just hurt/comfort and fluff, no use of Y/N

It didn't rain often in San Diego, but when it did, it poured. As was the case today, plans for spending the day at the beach long forgotten. Jake was home, which seemed to be a rare occurrence with his long shifts on base mixed with the occasional deployment. A day off for Jake was not to be taken lightly, or for granted, and you didn't intend to. So here you both sat, in your home, sharing a blanket as you watched a movie. You'd tucked yourself into his side, legs over his lap, as he rubbed gentle circles over your back. You'd felt your eyes growing heavier and heavier with each pass of his hand. You take a deep breath and nuzzle your face into his chest.

"You keep doing that and I'm gonna fall asleep."

Jake stops his ministrations, smiling softly. "Close your eyes if you're tired, honey. Not much else to do today."

You love Jake, you really do. You love most everything about him. You especially love spending time with him because time seems to be the thing you can never find enough of. You know him well enough to know that he feels the same way. You're comfortable with him in a way you aren't with anyone else, which is why you don't really know why the feeling of shy embarrassment starts to creep up your throat and crawl through your insides. It's why you can't bring yourself to look at him when you say, "Wanna spend time with you. Can't do that if I'm sleeping, lovey."

Jake exhales, pushing a small laugh through his nose and places a kiss to the crown of your head. "Baby, we have all day to spend together. You can sleep for a few hours. I'll still be here when you wake up."

You sit up straighter so you can see his face, still finding it difficult to look him in the eye. Jake's expression changes to something more serious as he takes in your change in mood. He brings a hand up to your cheek and you lean into his touch. "Honey, what's wrong?"

It takes a second for you to gather your thoughts so you can actually for coherent sentences. Even when talking with Jake, undoubtedly the love of your life, being vulnerable was difficult. You knew he would listen, and god was he a good listener. You knew he wouldn't ever make fun of you or throw it back in your face. Still, that persistent little speck of doubt took root in the back of your mind, always imagining the worst-case scenario. You take a deep breath.

"I just... I want to remember the time I spend with you because I feel like we never get enough. And I don't want you to think that I think I'm not a priority for you or that you don't try to make time for me because I don't. I don't think that. I know you try so, so hard. It's just that we both have different schedules and sometimes you're shipped off for months at a time and I know you can't control that. It's not your fault, but it just really fucking sucks when you're not here, so I want to get as much of you as I can."

Your cheeks are warm, your neck is warm. You can kind of hear the blood rushing past your eardrums and you know you're sweating. Your hands would be shaking if you hadn't pressed them together. You kind of wished you could run and hide, but you knew that wouldn't make anything better. Jake is looking at you, bright green eyes boring into yours. His gaze is intense, it always is, but especially in these instances where you have his full, unwavering attention. Jake feels his heart squeeze in his chest, almost in disbelief at what he just heard.

He knows being vulnerable is difficult for you. It's difficult for him, too. He walked around with walls up, constantly on guard and keeping those he knew (except for a few) at arm's length. Until he met you. You, who came crashing into his life with your shining eyes and radiant smile. You, who managed to tear down his walls piece by piece, brick by brick, until there was nothing left standing between you and his heart.

Jake sighs, "Baby, look at me." He brings a hand under your chin to get you to look up at him. "I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I love spending time with you, too. It doesn't matter what we do or where we go, just that I'm with you. If you're sleeping, so what? It just means I get to hold you. I get to make sure you're comfortable and warm and safe. I get to rub your back and kiss your head and I get to see your face."

Jake has both hands on your cheeks, now, rubbing his thumbs gently over the soft skin under your eyes.

"You look so peaceful when you sleep." It comes out as an almost-whisper. "You may not remember, but I do. I see your face and I know I'm home, I'm safe. I may not be here as much as either of us want, and we may have schedules that don't always line up, but, Baby... any time I get to spend with you is time I wouldn't want to spend any other way. Snoozing on a rainy day or not. I got you in my arms and that's all I need, Babydoll."

Jake's cheeks are warm, his neck is warm. He can kind of hear the blood rushing past his eardrums and he knows he's sweating. His hands would definitely be shaking if he wasn't holding your face right now. He kind of wanted to run and hide, but he knew that wouldn't make anything better. You are looking at him, big bright eyes boring into his. You feel your heart clench in your chest at his words. No one has ever made you feel so loved. You're misty-eyed, smiling up at him like he's just hung the moon and stars. You bring your hands up to cup his cheeks, pulling him in. Softly, you press your lips to his. The kiss is soft and sweet.

"I love you, Jake Seresin." You rest your forehead against his. He pulls you in for another kiss, this time deeper than before, leaving you both a bit breathless. He settles back into the sofa and you follow his lead, lying on his chest. He begins to rub gentle circles over your back.

"Go to sleep, darlin'. I'll be here when you wake up." Jake places a kiss to the crown of your head as you doze off for a cozy afternoon nap.

164 notes · View notes

snek-panini · 19 days

Text

Very belated Binderary books, uh...I've lost track actually. I think they are #6 and #7. And it's another two-volume split! This is (Slow) Burn, Baby, Burn by orchidlocked, an extremely long Good Omens fic set in the 1970s. It's about our favorite angel/demon pair navigating the disco scene, and it's not an AU, which is sort of usual in a fic this long and with such a specific premise. There are a fair few real people featured here, some as major characters, and a lot of music history and an excellent playlist alongside all the fun and angsty relationship stuff that so many of us are here for. I learned a lot about disco reading this fic and it was fascinating and also way more queer than I ever realized.

For the cover up there we have a white Allure book cloth on the spine, and white HTV over homemade book cloth for the main cover. The cloth pieces both come from the same sheet but I oriented the stripes this way so they'd be coordinated-but-not-matched and I really love the effect. They're also cotton and really nice to hold. It's funny, I was thinking of binding this fic when I found the fabric while digging through the Joann's remnant bin, and as soon as I saw it this fic not only came to mind but moved up to the top of the to-bind list. It was fate, clearly.

More photos under the cut!

Both spines and a top view. That's orange HTV for the titles. This it the first time I've worked with matte HTV (I usually use metallic or foil) and I was surprised at how much thinner it is, and how easy it was to stick. And I like the color inverse here in counterpoint to the front cover. The top view shows off the handmade endbands and bookmark, and also the rounding job. I'm still working on rounded spines, and the turn-in over the spine didn't come out as smooth as I'd have liked, but I think it's a good result. The ribbon bookmark was supposed to be blue to match the endbands, but every blue ribbon I could find clashed horribly with the cover so it's this nice leafy sage green. Which actually works really well with...

The endpapers! I got these as Joann's too. All four are cut from the same print, but I shifted and rotated them when I trimmed them so the patterns wouldn't all be in the same place. I had desperately wanted this other paper I found on Etsy with little vinyl records all over it, but the pieces weren't the right shape and I'd have had to ship them from overseas ($$), but I like the mood these ones set. And they're thick and nicely textured and look awesome with the cover, so really I think things worked out very well.

Couple of pics of the interior. I kept it fairly simple but I feel like it fits the story.

The scene break line is orange, to match the covers. I usually use gray but wanted something more fun. I recently bought some off-white paper that I used for most of my binderary projects this year because I've heard it's easier on the eyes, and it is, but I used the older bright white for this so the color contrast would be sharper. No complaints; I think it looks amazing. The second image above is the appendix I put together for the volume. Being so centered in the music industry, this fic has a really long playlist that the author put together with their preferred recordings. It's linked in the story and I did include the link text in the book, but I had my mind on preservation and the challenges of digital archiving while I was making this one, so I also took all the title/artist/album info and just listed it here. It was too much to do all by hand, so I learned how to export a Spotify playlist into an Excel doc, then moved that into the Word doc to print. A lot of steps, but not nearly as hard as I'd thought, and way less tedious.

I have to say this book is aesthetically really different than all my previous ones. I ran into so many design hurdles but I honestly couldn't be more pleased with the end result. I'll have to push my comfort zone like this more often, I guess.

#bookbinding #fanbinding #snek makes books #good omens #it's disco so it needed to be appropriately funky #and i think i nailed it actually #look at them they're awesome

37 notes · View notes

thebigsl33p · 1 year

Note

Hello. I was wondering if you could do a Morpheus x F!Reader where Morpheus and reader are not in a relationship but have some chemistry going and then somehow, the reader ends up in Desire's realm where Desire basically kidnaps her once they found out about the readers "relationship" with Morpheus? I hope this makes sense. I just really want a Morpheus vs Desire over the reader

I'm very excited to write this!!! This sounds like something out of my 3 AM specialised playlist imagining sessions and I am loving it!! Desire Vs Morpheus showdown it is!! I kinda just started to write so sorry if this isn't what you wanted. I'm also sorry this took so long, i's been sitting in my drafts being edited for ages

TW: violence and mild mentions of Gore but if you watched The Sandman you should be good.

Desire had always been friendly to Y/N, Eleos, the Goddess of Kindness, mercy, clemency, compassion, and pity. And being the kind woman she was she never read much into the friendly flirtations that Desire offered back.

But she was aware of other things, such as how a certain Endless' jaw would clench whenever he saw her and his sibling together, walking through the fields that he had carefully crafted for her and himself.

Dream and Y/N had been friends for an eternity, and often they visited each other's realms. Eleos would bring compassion and an overwhelming bout of happiness to Morpheus' realm, and Morpheus would bring sweet dreams to the citizens of Eleos' realm. Often their people visited the opposing realm, and each creation got along well, reflecting the good tidings they felt for each other.

Eleos had been beside Dream for a long time, outlasting any of his relationships (which she sometimes teased him about when the mood was right). She was there when Dream was captured and felt his absence more than anyone else, but she held her head high nonetheless. She was the only person Dream would ever consider calling a friend, and when he returned to The Dreaming after 200 years, she was there with open arms and kind words. She helped him rebuild his realm and bring back his citizens and the wayward nightmares.

There were other things in the time that he had returned, a vortex causing significant damage to The Dreaming which was swiftly dealt with. But upon the revelation that this was all part of a plan,one concocted by Desire and Despair, Dream paid his younger sibling a visit.

Since then things had been fraught between the two Endless.

And unbeknownst to her, Y/N stood right in the middle of it.

That's why it came as a surprise to her when she woke up, in a realm that was unmistakably Desire's.

Everything was red. A colour of red that constantly shifted, never the same, swirling from bright red to deep dark blood maroon. She noticed quickly that she was in a room with a fire burning in the middle of it and an uncomfortable, plasticky-looking Chaise Lounge to the side. There were leather straps wrapped around her ankles and wrists, holding her to a metal bar, suspending her slightly off the ground, and causing her arms great pain which was slowly spreading to the rest of her body.

The Goddess whimpered slightly, her arms burning. The noise caught the attention of the realm, and more importantly the realm's ruler.

The moment she let out the noise the energy of the realm changed, becoming hostile and off-putting.

And then there were footsteps, the clicking of high heels with close-to-impossible stiletto heels.

She felt Desire's presence before she saw them, this overwhelming encompassing feeling of want for anything and everything. And then they were in front of her and the feeling subsided.

"Desire," her mouth felt dry, the words hard to get out as she felt her lips crack, "How long have I been here for? Why am I here? What-"

"Hush, sweetheart." Desire grinned, "Don't you worry about a thing…"

She turned her head away from Desire as they reached out a hand to stroke her hair, "Desire." It was a warning, a demand, her words held as much power as she could muster in someone else's realm, "Let me go." She pulled slightly against her restraints.

Desire started giggling, "Let you go? No, no, no, darling, it's too soon for that! I haven't gotten my revenge yet." They twirled her hair around their finger.

Fear filled her veins. A Goddess stood no chance against an Endless, "Desire, please let me go…please. Whatever I've done- whatever I owe you-"

Desire gripped her jaw, pointed fingernails digging into her skin and making her grit her teeth together, "This isn't about you." They hissed, dropping the playful facade, "This is about my brother. I want to see him suffer, want to see him mourn and cry and beg." They grinned.

Desire took a step back but didn't release her face until a beat later before they turned around and faced the fire. They bent down, their fishnets stretching over their perfect skin, and reached into the fire in the centre of the room. Their hand disappeared into the flames and re-emerged holding a leather parcel. There were the remains of string tied around it which burned away in the fire.

She watched as Desire held it above their head and brushed it off of any ash from the leather outside. There was a buckle on the front which they undid, then held it high and let the leather unroll to reveal rows upon rows of sharp glistening knives that held the cosmos on the edge of their blades which instantly reminded her of Morpheus.

She bent her head down and began to speak as Desire ran their fingers over the knives, words of dreams and nightmares and ancient powers.

"He can't reach you here." Desire said, "Not unless I let him in."

"Well, he's got to be here if you want to see him beg and…grieve."

"You hold a very good point." Desire waved a hand and something changed again before they took a knife out of the holder, "Shall we start? Make sure he can hear you screaming and begging?"

By the time Desire is done there is no mistaking that Morpheus heard her, but Y/N's also sure half her skin must be hanging off. Desire held nothing back, and with their realm heightening her every sense each blade against her skin was pure agony and despair.

Finally, when Desire is done, knives and various other tools are scattered around Y/N's feet, they grin, "My brother is so very selfish." They pout playfully, "He has everything in life handed to him on a silver platter, and he's always been a little bit too much like Destiny. His moral compass is just overwhelmingly straight!" They're dramatic when they speak, "Until it isn't. And when Morpheus makes a mistake it's so easily overlooked, when he condemns past lovers to hell and is the reason for his son's death and misery, it's all fine! But try being me and try having a little fun? Well…you can't get anywhere in life."

They sigh, seductively laying back on the plastic chaise lounge, "So I decided, why not take from him what he values most." They shrug, "Show him what it really feels like to lose."

There's blood filling Y/N's mouth as she speaks, "I don't know that he'll care that much for me." She nearly laughs.

"What?" Desire grins, "You think I didn't think about The Dreaming? About sweet Lucienne and Merv and Cain and Abel and even Corinthian, when he was still around. I thought about the entire realm! Even its very substance, about tearing it apart from the inside until he begged for mercy but I knew…" They shook their head, "Oh, I knew he'd give it all up for you within seconds." They snapped their fingers.

"So what? You want Morpheus' realm?" Each word was agony but she needed to know Desire's motives, needed to figure out a way out of this.

Desire shrugged playfully, wiping blood off their fingers, "If that's what he happens to offer then so be it." And then they were gone with the faint echo of malicious laughter, leaving Y/N with nothing but Morpheus' name on her lips.

Y/N heard Morpheus before anything else, the sound of those heavy boots marching authoritatively down the red plasticky hallway. And then the feeling of static and electricity in the air, like the calm before a storm except…there was anger so ancient and so furious that it consumed everything around him and Y/N understood that in that moment, he held just as much power here as he did in The Dreaming.

When he arrived, Desire was lounging on that red chair, smiling leisurely in front of her, enjoying the degrading display of struggle.

Morpheus' voice echoed around the realm, a deep and relaxing tone to her ears but one that caused fear and worry in Desire. Not that they'd back down now.

"Brother," their tone was velveteen and relaxed, "We're just in here, why don't you come to join us? We were having a wonderful time discussing you."

The wall split open to reveal Dream, eyes holding nebulas and constellations and rage. His hands hovered by his side as he took three long strides into the room, laid eyes on Y/N's state, and then had Desire pinned to the wall by their neck, long fingers curling tightly around their throat.

"What is the meaning of this?" He was angry, a type of angry Eleos had never seen before, despite being his side for most of his existence. He hadn't even used this tone when he dealt with The Corinthian and he was fuming then.

So this? This must've been pure unfiltered rage and it hit her like a brick.

"Of what?" Desire, despite currently losing the fight, was acting dumb. Ignorant.

Dream's grip tightened, and Y/N saw Desire physically struggle for breath, not that they needed it. But something told her they'd gotten a little bit too comfortable.

So they corrected themselves, "I wanted to see how far you'd go for your little goddess there. How much you'd sacrifice in her name."

"You. This is it Desire, this is the end of any connection or familiarity that I may have with you. Any positive feelings I once felt towards you are gone, you are no longer my sibling and I am ashamed to once have even called you family."

Y/N knew that all Dream had ever wanted, deep down, even if he wouldn't admit it to himself, was a family to call his own. His siblings were, for a while, all he had ever known. And deep down he had always hoped to himself that they could return to how it used to be, before -everything-. That perhaps, just like Delirium and Death hoped, they could call themselves an actual family.

But now, with Desire's actions and words, there was no hope of that. Not even in Hell.

And so Morpheus' hand just got tighter and tighter and tighter around Desire's neck, until the younger Endless' started clawing at his hands for mercy.

But it was Y/N that stopped it, "Dream. Enough." Her words were weak and quiet but he heard them.

Instantly he dropped Desire, leaving them to lick their wounds in a crumpled heap on the floor, and rushed to her, hands clumsily and hurriedly trying to undo the leather straps, eyes taking in all the cuts and bruises.

"I'm sorry…" the words were whispered so Desire would never hear as he shook his head before turning to his pitiful sibling, "You disgust me."

And then The Goddess and The Endless were gone.

She had passed out the moment they arrived in The Dreaming from a mixture of exhaustion and blood loss that her immortal body did not let her succumb to. But she needed the rest.

And for the first time in what felt like years, she felt safe.

The next time she was awake she was lying in the softest bed she had ever felt. Y/N could feel the multitude of bandages that had been wrapped around her, and when she looked down she saw Lucienne sitting in a chair reading a book and her heart soared with relief.

She moved to sit up slightly and noticed she felt the best she had in days. The librarian jumped at the noise, shutting the book with a slam before seeing Y/N, "Our Lady of Kindness, you're awake!" She was shocked, jumping out of her chair to prop some pillows up behind her, "Can I get you anything? I should tell Lord Morpheus you're awake-"

"Luc," Y/N reached out an arm, "Calm down." She said slowly, "Drop the formalities. I'm okay." She reassured, letting the librarian catch her breath before continuing, "I would like to see Morpheus. If he's around."

"He's been worried about you for days." She nearly laughed but then shut her mouth as if she'd said something she shouldn't, "I shall retrieve him."

She was gone and back in a flash, a dark shadow following her upon her return. Morpheus.

The Goddess and The Endless stared at each other a minute as the librarian excused herself and then he dragged the chair to her bedside and took a seat. A beat. "How are you feeling?"

"Better. Much better. Thank you." She looked at her hands in her lap, "I'm sorry you had to…do that."

"Desire did awful things to you. This is the last time they will get away with it as if their actions were trivial." There was a subsided anger in his tone and Y/N sighed.

"Thank you, Morpheus."

"You have nothing to thank me for."

"You-"

"I'd do anything for you in a heartbeat." The words came out fast and suddenly, "I'm just sorry I didn't get to you sooner. And…Desire putting you in that situation…it's stupid it took that for me to realise how I feel about you."

The last part made her eyebrows raise and her heart beat significantly faster, "Oh." She blinked a few times before taking his hands in hers and then she was pulling him forward, "I owe you so much Dream Lord." She smiled sadly before leaning in and kissing him.

For the first time in the rest of their existence.

#dream of the endless X reader #dream X reader #the sandman X reader #morpheus X reader #lord of dreams X reader #sandman X reader #lord morpheus x reader #thebigsl33p #king of nightmares X reader #X reader #the sandman fanfic

160 notes · View notes

claudemblems · 1 year

Text

One Step At a Time | TWST

Summary: You've never been in a relationship, but you've had bad experiences with romance. Guys have confessed their attraction to you, but you've never shared their feelings. Now that you're in a relationship with Leona, you want him to be aware of your past and ask him if he would be willing to take things slow.

Notes: Totallyyyy not based on my own experiences. Self-indulgent, but I'm sure some of you can relate. Also, I haven't finished chapter 2 of TWST yet, so I'm just hoping that my depiction of Leona is in-character :,)

"The first guy completely blindsided me with his confession--well, I actually never got a confession. He just asked me on a date out of nowhere. Then the second guy ghosted me when I didn't like the idea of getting cozy with him. It was only the second time we met! Ugh. Of course nothing turned out how I imagined it in my head. Just my luck."

Leona listened intently as the two of you strode down the hallway, thoughts of your stressful class replaced with the allure of a delicious lunch waiting for you. Grim and the others had already left, eager to get the best items before they sold out, but Leona had stayed behind and waited for you while you spoke with your professor. It only took a few minutes to have your questions about a class project answered before the pair of you were on your way.

"I didn't mind at first because I realized I wasn't that into him anyways, but it kinda destroyed my self-esteem. It's like I'm only worth what I can give. But I don't want to give myself so freely, especially not just to anyone..."

Leona sensed your shift in mood as you started to grow quiet, taking notice of your slightly hunched shoulders and downturned lips.

"If a guy is only concerned about what will make him satisfied, then he's not worth your time," Leona answered without hesitation. "Relationships are a two-way street. If you're asking me, he helped you dodge his own bullet."

"But do I really mean that little? Just because I don't tell them yes, I'm as good as nothing...?"

"Oi, Herbivore."

Leona stopped in his tracks, placing his hands on your shoulders. You raised your head up to meet his gaze, and the hurt in your eyes wounded him more than any injured pride of his ever could.

"Your worth is not dependent on anyone. People will look down on you and take advantage of you whenever they can, but that's just how people are." A brief wave of sadness flashed in Leona's eyes as if he were recalling something from his own experience. "You're the smartest, prettiest, and most kind-hearted person out of everyone that I know. If some idiot makes you doubt that, tell me. I'll make sure to set him straight."

"Leona..."

Your heart stirred in your chest. You knew from the look in his eyes that he meant every word. And words--genuine ones--often proved hard for him to say out loud. But he'd tried his best for you; you were the only one who could see him for who he truly was, not the uncaring façade he fooled others with.

"You could say that I'm able to relate with your situation. I'm not dealing with romance troubles, but people view me the same way. I may just be a second son, but I'm a prince nonetheless. I've seen time and time again how people try to leech off my name and fortune." Leona scoffed, holding back any further heated insults on his tongue. "When they find out I'm not willing to do them any favors, suddenly my existence doesn't matter to them anymore. They want me to be a pawn in their game, but I'm not about to give up my crown for anyone. I'm the king on the chess board, and they're simply the knights doing my bidding."

"I'm sorry that people treat you that way, Leona."

"But that's my point. They don't care about me as a person, but you," Leona lifted a hand to your cheek, his thumb gently brushing against your skin, "you've always seen the person underneath. You're a one-of-a-kind, and that's exactly why you shouldn't let some worthless idiots tell you otherwise."

You smiled, leaning into his warm palm. "You always know how to comfort me. Thank you."

"It's the truth. You don't need to thank me for it."

"There is something I'd like to say though, if you don't mind."

"Mmm. What is it?"

"Um..."

You let Leona take your hand in his, fingers interlocking. You felt his thumb rub against your knuckles, and the gesture helped soothe your anxiety.

"This is my first relationship, as you know. I get kinda nervous thinking about doing more intimate stuff like kissing and cuddling. It's not that I don't want to, but after those guys confessed to me and I didn't return the same level of interest, I sort of got an aversion to all that kind of stuff. I've just had bad experiences, and I'm an anxious person, so if it's okay with you, I'd like to take it slow..."

Leona propped his free hand on his hip, giving you a small smile. "Have you really been worried about asking me this?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"Too long."

Leona sighed softly before outstretching his hand, asking to hold your other one. When you obliged, he gave them a squeeze of reassurance.

"Of course we can take it slow, but you shouldn't have to ask me for permission. Like I said, relationships go both ways. I'll never do something that makes you uncomfortable."

You exhaled the breath you'd been holding, a relieved smile appearing on your face. "You're right. Thank you."

"I was hoping to take it slow, too. I'm not accustomed to being all lovey and stuff, and I don't know if I'm any good at it. I imagine it'd be too much whiplash for you anyways if I suddenly started clinging onto you constantly."

You broke into a fit of laughter, and Leona couldn't help but join you. "Yeah. I'm not sure how Jack and Ruggie would be able to handle you acting like a lovestruck fool, either."

"Tch, as if I'd ever let them see me when I'm sappy."

"But you've been sappy around them plenty of times."

"I think your memory is a little hazy, Herbivore."

"Mhmm. Sure."

"Hey, Leona, [Name], you better hurry if you don't want all the deluxe menchi katsu sandwiches to be snatched up!"

You and Leona turned your attention to Deuce and Ace who stood at the other end of the hallway, hurriedly waving at you to follow them. You figured that they must have just finished getting scolded by one of their teachers if they weren't already downstairs devouring their lunches

You squeezed Leona's hand, sending him a playful grin. "They're right. We should head over to the cafeteria so you can get your sandwich. I know how insufferable you can be when you haven't eaten your favorite food for lunch."

"You're calling me insufferable?"

"You don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end of your complaints."

Leona rolled his eyes, but his grip never loosened on your hand as the two of you joined Deuce and Ace. With your laughter and conversations filling the air, all your previous worries began to dissipate. Now, your current concern was if you would still be able to buy one of those delectable strawberry tarts. Even though there might not be any left, you were sure Leona would be willing to pull a few strings in order to get you one. You just might have to strike up a deal with him first.

Perhaps a kiss in return would suffice. Just one. You'd need to save more for favors in the future...

#{kat writes}#twst #twst x reader #leona #leona x reader #cant believe I'm writing fics of him now smh #enemies to lovers speedrun it seems like

99 notes · View notes

codenamehazard · 1 year

Text

.:Chasing Echoes:.

.:InFAMOUS: No Man's Land Chapter 3:.

Hey guys! It's been a while, but I have a new chapter ready for everyone! Big thanks to @rogueshadeaux for helping me out! I'm truly learning a lot on my writing journey from her and I can't thank her enough.

Hope you guys enjoy chapter 3 of InFAMOUS: No Man's Land!

The first rays of sunlight creep over the horizon and into my eyes, slowly rousing me from a fitful sleep. I groan in irritation before letting out a tired yawn and stretching. Sleep was a rare commodity for me ever since the Blast back in Empire City; so being awoken in any way other than by myself always puts me in a bad mood. I slowly sit up, feeling my body protesting. I know I can fall asleep pretty much anywhere in any position; but that doesn’t mean I won’t feel it the next day and I was definitely feeling it. My muscles aching and throbbing from the awkward position I had fallen asleep in.

I reach over to grab my toes, the stretching loosening the taut muscles in my back and relieving some of the soreness. Many things in my life had changed but one thing I kept to was a morning routine to ready my body for the day and whatever challenges it may bring. It did my sanity some good as it was something I had control over for the most part. I turn my head to stretch my neck muscles as well as to survey the area. The fire I had set the night before was now no more than a weak flicker and glowing embers. It wasn’t much, but with a little bit of dry tinder and some coaxing, I should be able to get the fire back enough to warm some water.

Slowly standing up, I grunt as I can feel the muscles in my body continue to ache; at this point I was no stranger to waking up with cricks and kinks. Sleeping on the ground or on hard surfaces more often than not tends to normalize these pains. Once I’m on my feet, I go through my routine of morning warm-up stretches; joints pop, muscles stretch and I groan. The sleep leaves my body. Nothing like a hard sleep to remind me of the passage of time.

With a final back stretch; a satisfied sigh leaves my lips. Now my body won’t be causing any more fuss as I get ready.

I take off my shirt and examine it, clicking my tongue at the state it was in before I give it a hard and vigorous shaking. Flapping it about like I was knocking the dust off of a throw-rug. I know sooner or later I’m going to have to find new clothes. Not the first time I’ve had to do it, but it’s still annoying nonetheless. There’s only so much that can be done to stretch the longevity of clothing, especially with living on the lam. After a few more flaps, I put my shirt back on. It’s no replacement for a good washing, but it will have to do until I can find some place to properly wash up.

I grab my backpack and dust it off, having used it as a make-shift pillow the night before. I smile a bit seeing how even though I have had this backpack for a couple of years, it’s still holding up. Opening it up, I check inside to see what I have, frowning at what I see; While I still have enough rations and water to hold me over for some time, it’s clear I will need to find a place to resupply sooner than later. At the very least to restock on water and food.

I pull out a thermos and set it to the side as I tend to the fire, making a small divot in the coals to set the thermos in. Once I get the water on to warm, I pull out a breakfast bar from my backpack and begin to eat it. My face curls into a grimace as I feel the dry and scratchy texture in my mouth as I chew; the taste chalky and unpleasant. As much as I didn’t like it; food was food and I was in no position to be picky. Not like I hadn’t been in a similar situation before; I guess the quarantine in Empire City was a warm-up, though I never thought I would be surviving completely on my own in the middle of the Great Plains.

A sigh leaves my nose as I think back. It has only been about 2 years since the Ray Sphere blast changed my life forever and yet it feels like it was a lifetime ago… And I guess in a way, it was. Hell, I could dare say I had gone through several lifetimes in such a short span. I’ll admit, there are times where I miss the creature comforts I once had; times where I miss Zeke and Trish. The only two people in the world that actually gave a damn about me, even if it was conditional. Hell, there are times where I just miss being around people in general; but such is Human nature. Humans are social creatures and while I myself ain’t the most sociable of people, I still do want to have somebody around.

God, how long has it been since I’ve actually talked to a person? I have seen people over the horizon, both Human and Conduit alike: traveling, raiding, looting, battling… But I have yet to go up to interact with any of them. I was enjoying the quiet that dropping off the radar is affording me; still… It had been… What, a month? God-damn… My notebook and audio recorder really are the only things keeping me from losing my marbles completely.

Using the stick I pull the thermos out of the coals and set it aside and open it to let it cool down enough so I don’t burn my hands and scald my throat; but with how the chalky taste of that ration coated my mouth, I’m half-tempted to drink it right now just to get rid of it. Once the water is down to a more comfortable temperature, I grab it and take sips from it; letting out a sigh as the warmth of the liquid runs down my throat and spreads through my body. Nothing like a warm drink to start the day.

I watch the sun rise as I sip; even though I have seen this many times, it never gets old. How the dark colors of the night sky give way to warm hues of the morning; the deep cool purples and blues brighten into the familiar sky blue. There were clouds drifting lazily in the sky, adding shadows and bright spots to this picturesque scene. A faint smile ghosts over my features as I take the last sip of my warmed drink.

After putting the now cooled thermos back in my backpack, I use my foot to scuff dirt onto the embers of the fire and smother it, marking the end of my stay at this particular spot. With my body now fully awake and daylight now peeking down onto the ground, I sling my pack onto my back and begin wandering once more.

I made my way to where I noted seeing activity a few nights before. From where I was, it looked like a camp was attacked and both sides were Conduits. I felt the energy from their fighting from miles away. I figured that place might have some supplies I could scavenge, extend my time before I had to find an actual settlement or rest stop for a little while longer. God do I dread having to go into the cities and towns for amenities, many people don’t take kindly to the Beast strolling up into neighborhoods. Can’t say I don’t blame them, heh. Especially since I was a terror before becoming the Beast and I only got stronger and meaner after that. Still; it is a pain in the ass with a reputation as infamous as mine. Can’t even go into a 7-Eleven to get a damn candy bar without people losing their ever-loving minds. It was funny at first, especially if I was feeling particularly sadistic that day, but over time it gets really old, really fast. So the longer I can stay away from where the regular folk are, the better.

As I get closer to the camp, a tingling sensation itches at my mind, starting at the center of my forehead and spreading out. I place two fingers on my right temple and focus on the sensation. A low frequency pulses out from my body and what I find is something interesting.

Glimpses of a scene play out before my eyes as outlines and shadows play their parts. Darkened figures traveled in many directions: figures of Humans, Conduits and even caravans of vehicles. All rushing around as spectral imprints of the past; the faded marks of those who walked these areas before. However, the freshest imprints didn’t take the form of faint shadows dancing behind a sheet, but of glowing outlines. Vague in detail, but stood out all the same. The green outlines walked slowly, but with purpose, and they were walking to the same location I was heading towards.

The remains of the camp.

I continue on, now almost following the echoes to the location as shadows flickered and ran around me. Even though I knew I was alone, the energy from these trails were still very fresh. Fresh enough to feel present. It is almost like I’m actively with this group. Walking with them, stalking with them. A pang of yearning pricks my heart, but I shake it off and keep going.

I stop before crossing the threshold of the camp to look at the sight before me. My eyes see the ruined remains; yet an outline showed me what the camp originally looked like. Five tents all set up around a fire with people going about their days the best they can. I walk closer and explore the abandoned site as the apparitions of the people continue on, paying me no mind as if the roles were reversed and I was the phantom walking among them.

Two couples and three individuals, all tending to their tasks: be it cooking, repairing, or keeping watch. Whether this group was a family unit or not, I can’t tell; regardless, I could feel the comradery between them all. As I examine the broken cooking pot, I spot the outlines that I traveled with not too long ago slow into a stalking crawl before bursting out. An ambush.

Mouths opened in silent screams and war-cries, but I feel them all the same as the battle begins. The bright flashes of Ray Field Energy lashing out as the two groups of Conduits clash. Every lash, every strike, opens up wound-like imprints within the energy as I watch the fight around me. It was vicious, a fight for survival. Both sides fighting to live. A scene as old as life itself.

As the echoes fall, their outlines fade to nothingness as their life drains away, leaving nothing but a shadow on the ground. Powers and fists collide like claws and teeth, blood spills in vibrant hues as they spatter onto the ground where they currently stain the dirt. It was a vicious battle. The bodies drop and the Raiders steal the precious items held in the camp.

Yet…

Among the fallen shadows, a small outline remained. A Conduit who’s will to survive was stronger than the rest. They were still alive, but barely. The figure held still as the bandits looted what they could; he was playing dead. Clever man, he was. Most people don’t check to see if their quarry is dead. I walk around and check to see if there is anything left of use, but find nothing. Damn it all. Looks like I’m going to have to find some sort of civilization soon after all.

My eyes drift over to the echo playing possum and I can feel my curiosity getting the better of me. My memories flash back to Empire City; if the body was fresh enough, I could essentially view the last memories of the poor son of a bitch before they were killed. It had been quite the handy little trick. Sometimes it would lead me to a person of interest; other times it led me to other goodies. I couldn’t help but to wonder: with my abilities enhanced by the Beast powers, could I read the memories of these echoes? Only one way to find out…

I walk over to the figure before kneeling down, reaching my hand out to where the head is. When my fingers made “contact” with the head of the outline, images flashed in my mind. Scattered and fragmented, but present. Faint memories of a settlement; patchworked and cobbled together from whatever scrap that was found or brought in. Built upon the bones of a long abandoned ghost-town. Flickers of people… No… Flickers of Conduits, walking around without fear. Finally a name: Fracture.

I pull my hand away and shake my head as I refocus on the figure. The raiders leave the camp and the specter slowly stands. The outline of the man looks towards a direction, a path of shadows and memories seeming to flow that way like a river, with the shades joining and leaving. The man staggered to the “dying fire” and absorbed the heat from it before walking towards the river of echoes.

I stand there in the middle of the camp, watching as the outline joins before fading away into the shadows. I’m still not keen on heading towards any civilization, but I would be lying to myself if I say that I’m not slightly hopeful about this prospect. After all, it’s a better option than being among the regular Humans, and a safe haven for Conduits? Surely they may be at the very least more tolerant of my presence there. At least enough so I didn’t have to hide away and I can get shit without being harrassed. Perhaps maybe I could look around a bit as well? There’s only one way for me to find out.

I pull out a water bottle from my backpack and take a sip before putting it back inside; starting my trek towards the now fading stream of shadows and echoes. I do not know how long this trip will take me, but it matters not.

I journey on towards Fracture, cautious and curious. Being part of the parade of shades. Not sure what I will find, but ready for whatever it may be.

Hopefully, my luck will change here in this Conduit oasis in the Great Plains.

#infamous #infamous 2 #cole macgrath #demon of empire city #InFAMOUS: No Man's Land #Xeno Writes #Trish Dailey #Zeke Dunbar #Only slight mentions of those two #Also #Trish annoys me to no end #But Cole loved her #So my anger is tempered against her.#Unlike a certain someone #*coughLucyKuocough*#Fanfiction

9 notes · View notes

hoes4dylanobrien · 2 years

Note

Mitch *again cuz I'm in love w him*, bodyguard, angst + fluff, New York, female in early twenties

OKK more than 500 but it is what it is

Love the bodyguard!mitch idea, ty so much anon!! hopefully u like

You tried not to look at him, but at some point during the gentle and at times violent rocking motions of the subway ride from uptown to lower Manhattan your gaze drifted over to his hulking figure. He stood a few seats down from you, leaned against the interior wall somewhat obscured by a group of teenagers laughing amongst themselves and trading phones. He pretended to find great interest in one of the ads printed across the opposite wall, giving you the perfect angle of his strong facial features, only softened by his sloping, slightly upturned nose, and wispy dark locks. His almond-shaped brown eyes shifted to you just as you turned away, but you knew he had caught you staring.

"You don't have to follow me every step of the way, you know," you said after you two had gotten off at Canal street, headed to Chinatown. He'd been a few steps behind you, but you halted suddenly, letting him catch up. His jaw tensed. "You think I enjoy being a glorified babysitter? Newsflash, I don't. But the pay is good. If I knew I'd be dealing with such a spoiled princess I would've thought twice."

"Then go," you blurted angrily, mostly out of hurt. "Give me a few hours to myself, I promise not to tell Daddy. You'll still earn your money and we'll both get a much needed break. How about that?"

He opened and shut his mouth, swallowing any initial objection. He looked to be considering your offer. "Fine," he muttered. "I'll be waiting back at Spring stre-"

"No need. I can find my way back home, thanks," you snapped. And with that, you turned on your heel, focusing more on getting away than on where you were going; all the while, feeling a burning gaze on your retreating back.

Not even fifteen minutes later you were starting to regret your decision. You'd planned to go to a restaurant recommended to you by a friend, and after that, your favorite hidden gem of a bookstore. Unfortunately, your phone had died, and you didn't remember the way. It also didnt help that you were, admittedly, directionally challenged. And usually, Mitch remembered where to go for the two of you, so you hadn't ever bothered to memorize the directions (you would never admit he was right, though.) After getting turned around enough times, you realized you were far beyond the main road and didn't recognize where you were in the slightest, or how to get back. It had also, in great cosmic justice, began to rain hard.

“Great, just great!”

As you began to give up hope, a car idled at a slow pace behind you. At first you ignored it, but when it became clear it was following you, you started to get nervous and walk at a faster pace.

The driver’s window lowered. “Y/n, get in the car,” a familiar low tone ordered. You stilled, but continued walking.

“Come on, y/n, don’t be stupid,” Mitch growled, impatient. “It’s freezing and I know you dont know where the hell you’re going. Just do us both a favor and get in the damn car!”

“No!” You yelled, feeling a sudden burst of anger returning even as a slight chill wracked your body.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because. I’m a spoiled princess, remember? I don’t listen.”

“Y/n,” he paused, and you knew without looking back that he was gazing upward as if channeling patience from a higher power, as he often did around you. “I’m sorry OK? I shouldn’t have said those things to you. You don’t deserve it.”

You slowed your pace, eventually stopping. “Then why’d you say it?”

“You know why, y/n. I get in moods and sometimes... sometimes take it out on other people.”

“So I’m not spoiled and annoying?”

He let out a dry laugh. “No, you’re not. Well, not most of the time, anyway,” he teased, making you turn to him with a raised brow.

“Everyone’s a little annoying, including me. I’m usually worse.”

“No, you’re not. You’re fun to be around, most of the time,” you teased back. “You make me laugh and you’re actually honest with me,” you said seriously, “I’ve never had that in a friend before.” It was true. Most of your friends were either superficial or after your parents money.

Mitch watched you with an undecipherable expression on his face. “Get in the car, y/n,” he repeated, still in an authoritative tone but softer. “Please?”

You did as he asked this time, sitting up front instead of in the backseat as you normally would have. He pulled onto the road. “Where are we going?” You asked as you saw the sign and its accompanying exit for ‘uptown’ pass by. “Thought we’d try that new place,” Mitch replied, citing the one you endeavored to go to earlier. “And then to the bookstore,” you added in question.

He answered with a rare smile.

#Mitch Rapp x reader #americanassassin #drabble #requested #angst #fluff #dylanobrien

31 notes · View notes

bsaka7 · 1 year

Note

🌈 and 💞

thank u!!!

🌈 is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

The answer to this is most certainly yes but... I don't have a great memory. You whom I cannot betray is probably one of my best fics but it was also a slog to write - I was extremely worried about the pacing and it was sort of at a place in my f1 journey where I was really starting to have to force myself to write (most of the time I sit down and write... large portions of fics. in this case I actually had to be like ok gonna write a little every day) and I often worry readers can sense my interest waxing and waning and tell when I'm "phoning it in" (I wouldn't say I was doing so in this fic bc it was very considered) so I was also worried that would come through, but I don't think it did. Idk. I'm kind of a lazy writer - I'm not going to write stuff I don't want to unless I really have to for like, an exchange or something, and I'm not going to write if I'm not I'm not in the mood. So there's not a huge amount of stuff I write that doesn't "come easy" lol

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

It depends. I would say I write two types of fic: pwp and... everything else. For pwp, I usually am using it as a characterization exercise or a way to understand a certain dynamic, so that's what's important in those. In other (generally longer) fics, I guess theme development is what's most important. Idk I don't feel like most of my fic is super plotty and I'm usually interested in exploring some kind of question (fate, success, commitment, etc) so I guess I want to feel like I've done that? I enjoy worldbuilding but worry about too much of it getting into the narrative especially with fantasy. Figurative language, I'm never too pressed about; I also don't think it's a strength. Technical language, I have a certain standard I hold myself to (no unintentional tense shifts, consistent spelling, etc), but would say it's pretty secondary as well. So themes it is...

#Ask game #My eng major friend did. Just tell me she thinks the word themes should be banned tho lmaooo

4 notes · View notes

ladydragonkiller · 1 year

Note

Hello again! My previously mentioned travels have indeed been long and hard. I'm quite glad they're over, and that I'm healing. A fresh loaf of bread sounds lovely- I don't believe I've ever actually had fresh bread. Though, your face and company would be much lovelier, of course.

Ice cream and walks are always fun. I've been meaning to visit a custard shop in my post of town. My high school friend and carpool ride would take me there often, so it's quite nostalgic. On top of just having good food, hah.

Hoorah for a college deposit! I hope your major will be just as interesting and passion-sparking as you dream. Hoorah, as well, for knitting progress! Sometimes a shift in projects is what we need to see the old one with fresh eyes and motivation.

For armor, I do wish I actually had any, but alas. Instead, I alternate gender neutral dressed-up looks and incredibly camp outfits. Think Ashes vs Marius; those are about my two moods, when I'm not just in a t-shirt and jeans around the house.

For your next question.. If you were a candle, what would your fragrance be? Bonus points if you can give it a flashy name, or assign yourself a color as well.

- Mysterious Knight

to have never had fresh bread. . .this is a tragedy on the grandest of scales, and i wish dearly i could actually remedy it. fresh bread is to packaged bread as a warm, solid hug is to a high five. put a little butter and honey on it and ough. . .top ten snacks that connect you to humanity throughout history. my face and company pale in comparison (though i'm happy to provide the latter, even if the former is a tad more exclusive)

i adore both ice cream and walking, and am intrigued by this custard. some ice creams are made from a base of stirred custard, is it like that? or is it denser custards served not frozen, like puddings or flan or creme brulee?

thank you for both your hoorahs! i would like to give you two in return, to be used whenever you need a boost of good cheer

those fashions both sound lovely! ashes and marius are certainly fantastic and, perhaps, eclectic when compared to the usual style, choices (but if you aren't a little eclectic then you aren't really living life). and a t-shirt and jeans is classic, certainly what i default to some days.

see, there's a conundrum here. i would go for some classic baked good (apple pie maybe, or fresh bread) scent, but those always end up seeming over powering and saccharine. i tend to prefer lighter scents, like "fresh cotton" or "spruce forest" and the like, but those don't quite seem to capture my essence as i see it.

additionally, i have a hard time narrowing myself down to any one thing. though theoretically i would know myself best, i'm hardly at an objective distance to declare my own signature candle. can i be trusted to accurately judge the ratio of smells? unlikely

that said, i do deeply enjoy the smell i get in my room when i've opened the windows for the first time each spring. it's similar to sheets that have been dried on a clothesline, which is similar to sheets that have been sitting in a clean linen closet for a while. very light, and it reminds me of a breath of fresh air and the feeling of settling into bed knowing the sun will rise bright tomorrow.

For your question (one i've asked the cowboy before, but i think it's important enough to bear the shame of repetition): what's your favorite baked good?

#asks #mysterious knight

2 notes · View notes

itcamefrombeneaththeblog · 2 days

Text

Why Do I Have To Be Depressed For You To Care? - A Longpost Journaling/Rant

Today marks my 120 pounds lost. From 400 to 280.

One of the things that makes this journey I'm on hard is that I'm totally alone in it. Most of my life I have gone through alone. In 30 years I've had maybe 6 people I'd call close friends. 2 of them betrayed me horrifically. The other 4, well, Like I love them. But we're adults. We all live far away and I rarely see them. One is a mom, one is married to the love of his life, and the other two are far away.

As far as lovers go? Well when you're 400 pounds they're non-existent. The idea of someone loving you seems as probable as mystical fey creatures. Especially when you have a job as fucked up and hard as caregiving for your grandparents who have alzheimers, which I did from age 21 to 29. Nobody wants to be in your life when you go through that. I don't blame them, I didn't want to be in my life then either.

So it shouldn't be hard for me now should it? I mean I'm a fuckin' professional at being alone now. Aren't I? Is anyone ever? I'm as healthy as I've been in yeeears. I've lost 120 pounds. And I'm sitting here, in a chair, listening to the wind softly blow my curtains next me. I can hear my neighbors, the squealing of tires. It's very lonely. I'd love to have someone be like, great job babe, or something like that. Just a celebratory kiss would probably make the last ten years of my life worth it.

But here I am alone. And I'm not so much sad, as I'm just hit by the realization that I did this for myself. This person I dislike so much, I transformed them, me, into this new person. And I originally did it so I would be more attractive. Such a silly reason, but that's the truth. I started out trying to make myself more desireable and in the end I seem to have found myself. This should be a grand revelation, but it isn't. I still feel empty.

I dunno. There's desperate lonliness within me. And that's not attractive, but I feel like I really hate how we as a race of beings have normalized not caring about the lonely souls like me.

I'm no incel. I'm not a poor sad sack or a woe is me lame asshole whose sad all the time. But this blog often finds me being very sad and talking only about things that are dark and depressing.

And that's because depressing has got me a bunch of views, people commenting, and so many people have seen my work. Depression sells. Isn't that...wrong? Why do I need to be depressed for you to care? Why am I only interesting to you when I'm suffering?

Did you know I've made a bunch of positive and health conscious posts? Probably not because nobody seems to give two shits about them. But the suicide poems, the poem about being SA'd as a child, poems about death and heartache, they do *really* well.

Why have we normalized sadness? Why is it cool in these artistic spaces to be so destitute emotionally? I don't know. Part of me thinks these are rhetorical questions that can't be answered satisfyingly. Part of me considers it to be in that misery loves company vein.

Is there a point to this? Well if you read this far I hope so, so you didn't feel like you wasted your time. I hope my writing is interesting to you. The point I want to make is that I lost 120 fucking pounds. That is staggering. I lost a whole person. I should be jumping for joy with friends or a lover.

But I'm not. It's like I've been programmed, brainwashed into feeling morose all the time because I don't have this or that, but also because being morose and sad gets me the attention I so desperately crave. How fucked is that? I've conditioned myself into a state of self-destruction.

So...I guess my ultimate point is that we need way more love in this culture, as cliche as that sounds. Because I think a lot of this isolationist jag our generations are on suck. And I'm as much to blame as anyone. We need a radical shift in mood, otherwise how are we, the dreamers, ever going to influence the chamge we want to see, if we're not willing to chamge ourselves?

I want what I want. I want someone to give a shit. Just one.

And holy goddamn, that one person is harder to find apparently than 120 pounds is to lose. That is profoundly painful.

#blog #long form content #long post #introspection #introspective #gothic #sad boy #sad #sad thoughts #happy

1 note · View note

unfoldingmoments · 1 year

Text

Hack Your Behaviour

Key Point: Change Your Behaviour, Change Your Life And I really think that if neuroscience has anything to offer, it's some understanding of what the underlying chemicals and neuro-circuits are, but the sooner that the human animal, the human species can start to understand that our feelings and our thoughts and our memories and our all that is very complicated, but that when behaviors are very concrete and they are the control panel for the rest of it. I don't wanna relegate feelings, feelings are extremely important. I don't wanna relegate perception, they're extremely important, but when it comes to wanting to shift the way that you function, to get better or to perform better, or to show up better, or to move away from things like addictive behaviors, it's absolutely foolish for any of us, me included, to think that we can do that by changing our thoughts first, it's behavior first, thoughts, feelings and perceptions follow. Mood follows action. Mood follows action. This is like been my mantra forever. Key Point: Self Reward, Not Outer Reward (Dopamine) Effort Gain Focus and Productivity- Key of Highly Effective People We have to be very cautious about how much of our internal dopamine we attach to external rewards, if we wanna continue to grow and pursue and focus and work hard. If you just wanna get to someplace and cash in, then fine. But most people find themselves in a pretty miserable place because their dopamine was so attached to external rewards, they need more and more of that. Well, the why has to be deeper than that. The most powerful things that any person can do is to learn to control this idea of duration, path, and outcome and attach an internal sense of reward just that you're doing well to reward yourself mentally just say, "I'm doing well, I'm actually on the right path." To do that inside of the demands that come from the external world. The more often that we can self reward some aspect of the process provided it's in the right direction of what we're trying to achieve, the more energy we're gonna have for that, the more focus we're gonna have for that. Key Point: Better Sleep, Awareness/ Mindfulness, Meditation/ Breathing Exercise is the best medicine Some people have a hard time turning off their thoughts. It's really hard, remember you can't do it. What you can do is to learn to control that perceptual window and distribute it so that your sense of time starts to kind of drift off and you end up in sleep more easily.

What's interesting is there's a, some verbiage around the yoga community that is very valuable. I can't recall it off the top of my head, but they talk about the great support that one can get from learning to access brain states of timelessness, sleep being very restorative, wakeful, deliberate disengagement being very restorative, maybe meditation, maybe through yoga nidra, maybe through simple, quick breathing techniques, but being able to dilate and contract one sense of time and not being locked to one kind of space-time regime, the ability to recognize that I'm not seeing clearly or I see what I see, but I don't know what I don't see, the ability to introduce that understanding for somebody can be very powerful. And I think we need to give them tools that they can look to very quickly. I don't think we're ever gonna have a treatment for addiction that's in the form of a pharmaceutical, like one pill, because if you start tapping into the dopamine system itself, you start degrading other aspects of life. So I think one of the reasons why addiction treatment is so complicated is that you need many elements, but the elements that come from the person themselves are ultimately the most important ones, of course. And I think physiology and neuroscience does have some tools that can lend support to that. Ref: Hack Your Behaviour by Dr. Andrew Huberman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwQhKFMxmDY Further Reading David Goggins- Can't Hurt Me

0 notes