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sissytobitch10seconds · 11 months

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Our Love Died

Fandom: The Umbrella Academy Summary: Dumped into a strange yet familiar world, Viktor falls back into some old habits- including losing contact with his siblings. Eventually, some years pass and they start finding him again. At that point he's not quite sure he wants them to, though. Warnings: Domestic abuse, abusive relationships, trans male pregnancy, childbirth, depression/anxiety, and transphobia Word Count: TBD (Chapter 1: 3,535) Chapter(s): TBD Ship(s): Viktor Hargreeves/Five Hargreeves

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A/N: (fic notes) So I actually created an entirely different story and character off of labour and King by their respective artists and then I realized that it would fit really well into this kind of a fic as well. I decided I was just going to write it so I had another nice chaptered fic for TUA before the last season comes out. I'm going to leave a little disclaimer here: I have never been pregnant and I am not a trans man (I'm genderfluid, so still trans) so some things may not be entirely accurate. I'm also writing and uploading this at the same time so there might be some awkward plot holes or something throughout. I'm going to try my best to prevent that but please honor me with some grace if I don't manage it! I hope that you all enjoy this, I know I'm loving writing it so far. Make sure that you heed the tags, though, things do get pretty dark. Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <;3 (chapter notes) Here's chapter one! This is basically a complete rewrite of the last scene of the last episode of season 3. I tried to write every bit of dialogue directly from the show, so if things sound a little awkward it was probably a typo I didn't correct because I didn't want to go rewatch that scene again. Rewriting directly from a script is exhausting, after all, lol. I hope that you guys are enticed by this first chapter but if you're not, try sticking around to the second when the plot is gonna actually get started! Things are moving pretty slow for now but they'll pick up soon. Stay sissy and bitchy everyone <3

The first thing that Viktor saw when the elevator doors opened was a garden.

He hadn’t been in a lot of gardens when he was younger because it wasn’t something that Reginald put a lot of his time and energy into and then he had never sought them out as an adult around the monotony of his everyday life. He had to admit that it was an improvement to the accommodations that they had been staying in for the past week while they tried to sort out the third end-of-the-world.

It was dark, just as he thought it would have been when he was traveling in the hazy, half-asleep state during the ride up the elevator. The dimness wasn’t caused by the dark colored walls and lack of windows, however, but rather because at some point the sky had turned into night. The moon was hanging high in the sky, glinting pale silver-blue light down onto the earth with the help of the blinking stars. The sky was clear and bright, devoid of the heavy rain clouds that so often plagued The City. The color of the light reminded Viktor of the heavy power that slept inside of him, waiting to come forth and create another apocalypse like it had three lifetimes ago.

He tilted his head down so that he could take in what the garden actually looked like while his legs slowly carried him out of the elevator and into the cool night air. There was a gray cement path that led to a bust and plaque in the center of the main part of the garden. From it were several more paths, though it was hard to see where exactly they went because of the trees and shrubs that were obscuring the already dark view. He could just barely make out the vibrant green of the grass clashing with the darker shade of the neatly trimmed bushes along the paths. He thought that it was strange that there were no flowers, all of the books that Viktor had ever read as a child that contained gardens had them described as overflowing with different colors of petals.

Next to him, Lila giggled, “Cool.” It made sense that she would be able to process the weirdness that they had all just endured better than all of them. Viktor was probably handling it with the least amount of grace since he had never been a hero when the Umbrella Academy was active and thus hadn’t seen any of the weird powers or abilities that the villains the others fought possessed. The closest that he had gotten was just seeing his siblings train and listening to their exploits through the radio that Grace kept on when missions were underway. Lila, conversely, had grown up surrounded by time traveling assassins and flipped through many different periods in time with her mother. This was just another thing to add to her list of adventures instead of something that was emotionally shattering as it was to Viktor.

The sound of a police siren wailing in the distance was comforting and terrifying at the same time. The images of the police towering around the car that he had been trying to get his girlfriend and her son to safety in flashed through his mind, quickly followed by his nerves fraying just a little bit more at the memory of his electro-shock torture session. He flexed his hands at his side to try and get rid of the anxiety, something close to what he had used to do. His violin was nowhere in sight now, though, so it meant that he couldn’t pick it up and use that to get rid of the adrenaline-summoned energy.

All of those thoughts were pushed from his mind as soon as he turned properly and saw the towering figure of his brother. He short-circuited for a moment as the only thing that he could really process was the overwhelming joy about seeing the man he thought he had lost, just as he had lost Ben. Viktor was so used to mourning, to grief, that the joy surging through his body was foreign and addictive.

“Luther?” he asked, breathless and awed. Viktor was barely even aware that his legs were moving as he made his way closer to the other. He was moving a little sluggishly, as if he was scared that if he made even a single wrong move then his brother would disappear again forever, just as he had done when Klaus summoned him during their fight. “Luther?” he asked again, which got the blond’s attention.

“Oh, shit,” Luther swore as a smile blossomed over his face. “You can see me?” he asked, pointing towards some of the others.

“Yes! Yes!” Viktor almost screamed as he threw his arms around his brother’s neck and shoulders to trap him there in a hug.

“I’m alive?” Luther asked, his body almost vibrating with the shock of his realization.

Viktor and Luther had shared two hugs in their entire lives. They had never been terribly close as children since Reginald kept Viktor as far away from him as possible, both physically and mentally, while Luther had basically been on his coattails all the way up until the last year of his life.

The first hug that they had ever shared was one of Viktor’s least favorite memories. He had been under the impression that he had just killed his sister with no reassurance from his then-boyfriend. It had felt so wonderful to be wrapped up in the arms of someone he had known and loved without anything in return. Then he had felt the air slowly being forced from his lungs, his body compressing in on itself while black spots danced in his vision. Then he had woken up in the soundproof room where the only thing he had for company was his own quickening heartbeat, watching as his siblings all abandoned him one by one again.

The second hug that the duo had shared was the one that they were having now. Luther’s arms stretched all the way around Viktor and he was so tall that he had to bend over at the waist to be able to loop around Viktor’s chest. He could tell that the other was holding back his strength significantly because this time it felt nothing like it had before. Luther was hugging him and holding him tightly enough that he could know for certain that the taller was there, but there was no pain, even as he got lifted into the air.

“Luther’s alive!” Klaus crowed in the background.

“Oh my God,” Lila breathed. It was odd how quickly she had been assimilated into the family and how deeply she cared for them all already, but they were the Hargreeves. Nothing about their family had ever been normal and nothing about it ever would, not that they would want it any other way.

“And that’s not all, big guy,” Viktor felt like he was going to explode with how many emotions were flowing through his system. Luther had since put him down on the ground and he was able to get a proper look at his brother, though it was already confirmed when he had been up in the air. He was staring at Luther’s chest and arms as he tried to come up with a way to phrase what was racing through his mind.

“Huh?” Luther asked before he gasped when he noticed it as well. “Holy shit, my body!” he brushed his hands over his chest and then looked down at his arms again. Where there had once been copious amounts of thick, wiry hair stretched out over grotesque, engorged muscles was nothing but pale skin with blond hair and lean muscle. “Wait, I look amazing!” he beamed as he realized what it really meant.

Jealousy and happiness mixed inside of Viktor until all he felt was nauseous. He knew that Luther had struggled with how he looked after the experiment that their father had performed on him to save the life Reginald himself had endangered. That much was evident from the way that Luther had hidden himself away in layers and layers of clothing when they had all first reunited. Viktor was very familiar with what it was like to feel uncomfortable in one’s body as that feeling had been magnified for him since he realized what his gender was. He wished that the transport to the new universe had given him a body that he felt more comfortable in, one that didn’t make him want to crawl out of his own skin when he caught himself in a reflective surface at just the wrong angle. At the same time, he couldn’t help but be happy for the gift that Luther had been given after everything he had been through.

Klaus wandered over to them in that stumble-walk that he had perfected when they were teenagers. Viktor had always been amazed he wasn’t tripping over himself more often, the same way that he would be if he tried that. “Luther’s all svelte now,” he commented as he touched his brother’s arm as well.

“Wait. I gotta show Sloane!” Luther beamed. It was heart warming to see him being so affectionate towards someone other than Allison. When they were younger, it was very disheartening to Viktor to try and pour so much love into his relationship with his brother only to be pushed to the side. Of course, back then, he hadn’t realized that Luther and Allison were romantically involved so the relationship he wanted was actually very different. Given everything that had happened with Allison in the last couple days, up to and including Luther’s death, it was a good thing that he had someone who adored him just as much as he did her.

The mention of the Sparrow hero was enough to make Viktor take attendance for everyone standing around in the garden. Lila and Diego were standing next to each other, so close that their shoulders were brushing against each other. Ben and Five were hanging around the bust in the center of the little garden path. Klaus was near Luther, who was standing in front the elevator still.

Five raised up his arm, fussing with his watch. “I got my arm back,” he informed them plainly like it wasn’t the best thing that had happened to him in decades.

“This is so cool. W-wait where’s Sloane?” Luther asked as he reached out towards Klaus for the information.

Surprisingly enough, the most chaotic member of the family actually did have an answer for him. “Oh, she was, uh… she was right behind me-”

“When Allison hit the bloody button,” Lila finished for him, gritting her teeth in anger.

“She’s gone too,” Diego groused.

Five began to walk towards one of the dark paths surrounding the small place of respite that they were in. His brows were furrowed and his face was pinched in that way that it always got when he was upset about something. “You know, I don’t know about you guys, but I haven’t felt this good in years,” Klaus said as he also turned his gaze towards the peaking city that they could see between the trees.

“Does anyone know where the Hell we are?” Ben asked.

Viktor felt his heart sink down into his stomach as he realized that it was the version of Ben that had come from the Sparrows despite none of the other Sparrows being with them. He had been hoping, after Luther had risen from the grave and stepped out of the elevator with them, that his long-dead brother would also return so that Viktor could apologize for using up the rest of his unlife energy. He figured that it made sense it would be that version of Ben, since he was the one that fought the final battle with them after they fucked up the timeline so that he existed in the first place.

“The hotel,” Lila quickly supplied before he could get in a fight with anyone. “Or at least, this is where it used to be.”

Five let out a breath, which really emphasized just how tired he was. “I think the old man did it. I think he reset the universe.”

Diego walked over so that he was standing in front of Lila with his hand up in front of her. She gasped as she held it in both of her own and said, “You got your fingers back!”

“Sloane? Sloane!” Luther called through the garden in a desperate attempt to find his wife.

Viktor could only stand there and watch his siblings interacting with each other as he tried to process everything that had happened. Something inside of him felt like it was missing, something that left him hollow and slightly damaged. He didn’t have time to unpack it now as tensions were already rising between the other family members.

Moving around the bust, Luther grabbed onto one of the lapels of Five’s suit jacket. “I don’t care about any resets, all right? I want my wife back. Where is she, Five?”

“I’m glad you’re alive, but please take your hand off me,” Five snarked. He was using that voice that he always did when he was upset about something or close to getting in a fight with someone. Viktor had heard it often when they were all going through the beginnings of puberty.

Anxiety began to rise inside of him as he realized that this could all go very badly very quickly if someone didn’t step in to stop them before they did something stupid. “Not until you give me an answer,” Luther threatened as he grabbed the other side of Five’s jacket so that he had no chance of escaping.

“Okay, screw this!” Five sassed back. He jerked to the side like he always did when he was getting ready to teleport, but this time he just fell limply back to where he had been before. A look of confusion took over his face and he glanced out around the garden as if that would somehow give him an answer. “Something’s wrong.”

“That’s right, something’s wrong, you’re about to get your ass kicked,” Luther snarled as he jerked his brother around again.

“Yeah, kick his ass,” Diego goaded.

“No, you moron,” Five seethed. The panic was beginning to make him mean, Viktor knew exactly how that felt. “My power. I can’t blink.”

“Yeah, right,” Diego said sarcastically as he got one of his knives out from the vest that he always wore. It was nice to see him in something other than black leather, even if the knives were probably going to exist with him throughout his entire life. Diego flipped the silver blade around his fingers once before it toppled down into the dirt below them. “That’s not good.”

Suddenly everything fell into place. Viktor glanced down at his hand as he raised it. He focused for a moment to try and pick up on the minute noises that existed everywhere in the world. It was only then that he realized that everything had been muffled since he had stepped out of the elevator. Hearing every tiny thing that was happening around him, even if it was accentuated only when he was off of his medication, had just been how he lived his life. He didn’t realize that the world was so quiet for everyone else until his power had been stolen from him. It explained the heavy emptiness that rested in his chest, right where the supernova of noise had been only an hour prior.

A few feet away, Klaus was waving his hand out in front of him as he said, “Okay… come on… Alakazam… ghosties.” Nothing happened. Ben strained with his hands clenched in fists out to the sides, but again there was nothing. “This means I’m mortal again? Aw, man,” Klaus whined as it became more and more obvious that they were ordinary.

“Wait, wait, wait. How do we get them back, you idiots?” Ben asked before anyone had the chance to do anything else.

“Shit,” Klaus groaned when no one was able to come up with any ideas. Reginald had told them so little about their powers that none of them knew where they came from, much less how they were supposed to get anything back.

“I gotta… I gotta go find my wife,” Luther said hoarsely. Viktor had enough breakdowns in his life to recognize that the other man was clinging to something that felt like it could still be tangible. They had all been through something deeply traumatic and painful on top of arriving in a strange world that they didn’t know well enough to tell if it was safe. Learning that their powers, which had been a constant for everyone other than Viktor, were gone had to be enough to make some of them deeply rattled.

Luther turned and began to walk down one of the paths to do as he said he was going to. Klaus turned after him and said, “No! Luther, you can’t go. You were dead ten minutes ago, you’re fragile.” He whirled back around to the rest of the family and said, “I gotta go after him.”

“No, wait, Klaus!” Diego tried to argue with his brother but at that point Klaus had already begun down the path after Luther. Despite what a lot of the public had thought when they were younger and actively acting as the Umbrella Academy, Klaus was the most stubborn out of all of the siblings. If he got an idea that he decided he just had to do, then he was going to do it come Hell or high water.

Ben was the next to leave, already stalking towards the other side of the park, “I’m out, bitches!”

A flare of panic unlike he had felt in a long time rang out in Viktor’s chest. Memories that were hazy with sedative and time flashed through his mind. All the times that they had left him for their training, all the times that they had been ushered into a car together while he had been left watching them out of a stained glass window, all the times that they had snuck out together and left him behind, played over the top of each other. “Guys, come on,” Viktor said desperately. “We should stick together and figure this out-”

“Well what are we supposed to do?” Diego asked, interrupting Viktor before he even had the chance to say what he was planning to. Too much of it felt like what it had been before Viktor had gotten his powers and had become too dangerous to ignore.

They were all quiet for a second as Diego and Lila turned slightly towards each other. “Live our lives?” she suggested. Diego remained quiet as he obviously rolled the idea around his head. He then took her hand, weaving their fingers together, before he disappeared down another one of the paths.

Then it was just Five and Viktor, as it had been so often when they were children. The conversation that they had about other people being ants, which had given them some common ground now that they had shifted so much in their adult lives, rolled over in Viktor’s head again. He knew that it wasn’t true anymore since neither of them had the massive powers that they did when it took place, but he was still hoping that it would mean something.

He supposed that hope was his greatest flaw. Just like last time, Five turned on his heel and marched away from Viktor without saying anything. He disappeared into the dark foliage so that not even a glimpse of his back could be seen.

That morning at the dining room table, when Five had lurched away and thrown himself outside to try time traveling for the first time was a moment that replayed over and over again in Viktor’s mind. He always wondered, both now and when he had been a child, what would have happened if he had just had the balls to pull his brother back into his seat instead of just letting him go.

What was happening now felt so similar to that, that Viktor almost felt himself shrinking down into the demure version of himself that he hadn’t been in so long. Being off of the medication had let him feel free in a way that he had never before, and the idea of having to go back to that now that his powers were gone brought the panic that had been resting dormant in the back of his mind to the forefront of all his thoughts.

He paused for a moment to try and pick up on the sounds of footsteps and rustling leaves from where his siblings and Ben were now lost in the park, but there was nothing. He tilted his head down towards the bust of Reginald and gave his head a small shake. “Asshole,” he muttered.

Viktor turned and walked down the last remaining path so that he could get out of the park.

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tlcwrites · 2 years

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Fall to Pieces- Part 3

Poe Dameron x Reader, Modern AU

“Trauma is trauma. Some people aren’t affected by it and some people struggle with it their whole lives.” Using her finger to jab him in the chest, she emphasizes each word. “That. Doesn’t. Make. Anyone. Weak.”

Word Count: 5179

Tags/Warnings: Frank discussions about PTSD/destructive coping mechanisms, explicit description of a panic attack, and brief implications of suicidal ideations. Angst. Y'all probably know that by now. Finally crawling out of the angst hole. Miss Patty is a BAMF. Finn and Poe Finn-and-Poe-ing. Probably a lot of typos because I had my husband proofread this and he is a wonderful husband but a terrible editor.

Author’s Note: This chapter includes frank discussions about PTSD/destructive coping mechanisms, explicit description of a panic attack, and brief implications of suicidal ideations. Please take care and do not proceed if any of those subjects are triggers for you. Also, please send me a message if you're not able to read because of those topics, and I'd be happy to send you either a chapter summary or a version of this chapter with those sections omitted. I wanted to have this out weeks ago, but I ended up rewriting it I'm not exaggerating four times because I couldn't get it to feel right. I love this final product, and I hope you do, too. And yes, my goddess Octavia Spencer is my face claim for Miss Patty. Thank you to @paper-n-ashes for the beta and for patiently listening to me ramble at all hours of both of our timezones. Love you, boo!

Dividers by @firefly-graphics.

Series Masterlist - Part 2 - Part 4

Goodbye, Poe.

It won’t stop ringing in his ears.

Goodbye, Poe.

His heart is beating so hard and fast he feels lightheaded.

Goodbye, Poe.

He can’t stop staring at the door. You’re going to walk back through any second, he’s sure; he needs for you to walk back in, so that he can fall to his knees and beg for-

What? You’ve said how you feel. What could have changed in the twenty seconds since you walked out the door, possibly walked out of his life, since he finally, finally kissed you and oh god he needs to go after you, he’s got to apologize, grovel, anything-

He’s halfway out of his seat when a hand grabs his arm.

“What in the hell was that?!” Patty is gripping his bicep, dragging him towards the door that leads to the restrooms. “What in the hell was that?”

“I-” Poe can’t make his body cooperate with his brain. “She- I’ve got to-”

“Nuh uh,” Patty interrupts. “What you’ve got to do is sit your ass back down, you crazy-” She bullies him onto the bench outside the men’s room, standing in front of him with her hands on her hips, 5 feet even of disappointment and ire. His head is nearly level with hers, and he’s not an overly tall man; how she manages to still be so intimidating is beyond him. “What were you thinking, Poe?!”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know, I have no idea- we just, we were normal and then she asked me…” His voice dies in his throat, unable or unwilling to verbalize what had just happened, because if he does that, it makes it true, and she doesn’t want him, she doesn’t want him-

Patty pinches the bridge of her nose. “Lord, save me from the Dameron men and their idiocy.”

“Hey!” Poe’s not so out of it to ignore that. “Look, Patty, I-”

“If you’re gonna speak to me like that, it’s Ms Kanata to you, kid, and no. I talk, you listen, and then we’ll see if you get a say.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “I don’t care what just happened between the two of you, but whatever you did, you fix it, and you fix it immediately.”

“I didn’t-”

She waves a hand. “I didn’t ask if you did, or she did, or you both did, or if the President of the United States did.” Some of Patty’s ferocity visibly ebbs as she sighs deeply, and she looks at Poe with a look that’s tinged with compassion. “You told her.” It’s a statement, not a question.

Poe, refusing to make eye contact, nods once.

“And did she tell you?”

The inquiry makes his head snap up and he gapes at the matron. “You- she told you before she told me?!”

“Of course not.” Patty shakes her head, wearily joining Poe on the bench. “But I’ve been around for a long time, kiddo, and these glasses work just fine. Anyone can see how that girl looks at you.” She pats his shoulder affectionately. “It’s the same way you look at her.”

Poe shakes his head, dropping his gaze back to his hands. He’d touched you, tasted you, finally, the way he always dreamed. And you’d reciprocated, even after you’d insisted things couldn’t remain unchanged.

And then you’d fled.

You’d left him without a backwards glance.

It’s going to play on a loop inside his head for the rest of his life. Talk about watching your worst nightmare come true right in front of your eyes.

The worst part is, he can’t even blame you. Who the fuck would want to be shakled to a man with a freighter full of baggage, when they could have someone like Yeager?

Patty grasps his hand, reclaiming his attention. “What. Happened.” It’s an edict.

“She-” The words are ash in his mouth, the shame overwhelming him until he’s drowning in it, and fuck, this is exactly why he didn’t fucking say anything, because he’s a fucking defective ex-soldier with exactly nothing to offer besides nightmares and flashbacks and a whole lot of baggage, and motherfucking damnit why why why had he let you push him into confessing his gravest sin?

Another sob bubbles from his chest and he feels like he’s going to fly out of his skin. “I fucked up, Miss Patty,” he admits, his voice breaking as his gut starts to twist and his heart starts to race and then the lump in his throat feels bigger and bigger until he feels like he’s choking on it.

He can vaguely hear Patty over the roaring in his ears, but her words are washed away as his body begins to shut down and lock until he’s in agony. He falls off of the bench and lands heavily on his hands and knees. Even the pain doesn’t break him out of his own personal hell, and his nails dig against the linoleum as his breathing speeds until it’s suffocating. The vice around his ribs tightens with each shallow, gasping breath he’s able to suck in, until it’s crushing his lungs and he can’t breath and he can’t fucking breathe and fucking god this is what it feels like to die, isn’t it? This had to be what it felt like for Private Vanik, because surely there’s no coming back from this.

He’s sure he’d be screaming if he could draw a breath, but he can’t make his teeth unclench enough to let out more than the occasional broken squeal. He wants to cry out for help, for you, for his dad, for his mom. Fuck he wants his mamá. Because he can’t breathe, he can’t make it stop, he can’t make any of it stop, and for the love of everything please just let it end, let him die, whatever it takes to make. It. Stop.

Patty is pressed against his back now, taking deep, exaggerated breaths. At the back of his mind, he recognizes what she’s doing, trying to give him something to measure and try to mimic. It’s impossible. He’s starting to get lightheaded, because fucking christ he can’t fucking breathe and his body is holding him hostage and fuck, this is it, this has to be his recompense; for you, for Vanik, for his mom, for everyone he’s ever wronged, motherfucker it hurts so much. This, this is what he tried to spare you from, because the first time you see him like this, you’ll refuse to leave him because you’re so good and loving and he can’t possibly saddle you with a lifetime of this, but it doesn’t matter because he’s sure he’s seconds from suffocating. And maybe it’s a good thing, because if he dies, you’ll be free of the pain he’s caused you with his mistakes, and you’ll able to move on and be happy with fucking Yeager, and fuck if that dosn’t make his chest tighten more, how can his lungs squeeze this much, fucking fuck he’s about to be put out of his misery by his own thorax.

And just as suddenly as it started, it starts to fade.

The bands around his ribs loosen infinitesimally. The cacophony in his ears grows slightly quieter. Now he can hear Patty coaching him through breathing, and he desperately tries to imitate her steady pattern.

“That’s it, honey,” he hears her say, more clearly now. “Deep breaths, Poe. You’re safe, you’re not alone, I’ve got you, okay? In, and out…”

It takes an eternity, or maybe it’s just minutes, even seconds- he has zero concept of time right now- before he’s able to regain enough control over his body that he can fully expand his lungs. Patty carefully moves off of his back, and he half twists, half falls from his knees onto his backside. Resting his arms on his bent knees, continuing to catch his breath, he feels the weight of her gaze, and he’s mortified that anyone, especially Patty, bore witness to his weakness.

“Sorry,” he finally wheezes, still unable to meet her eyes.

“For what?” Her voice is genuinely curious.

He makes a halfhearted gesture with his hand. “For... that.” When she doesn't respond, he risks a look up.

The compassion and care in her eyes are unanticipated, and humbling. “Poe,” she finally says, speaking slowly and softly, “Why would you think you need to apologize for something you can’t control?”

Because my fuckup killed someone and this shit is my karma, he wants to say, but he can’t make himself do more than shrug.

“Here-” Patty reaches for him, “-let’s get you off the floor.” She helps him heave himself back onto the bench, before ordering him to stay right there. He keeps up the steady breaths as she ducks back into the kitchen, returning with a cold bottle of water. Poe takes it without complaint.

She’s silent as he rehydrates his exhausted body, but he can feel her watching him closely; whether keeping an eye out for any sign he’s going to fall victim to another attack, or out of motherly concern, he couldn’t say.

When he finally finishes the water and wipes his mouth with his sleeve, he still doesn’t have the strength to look up. “I’m sorry, because I should be able to control it.”

She scoffs. “Should a sailor be able to control the ocean? Should a pilot be able to control the clouds?” She lays a hand on his knee. “Kiddo, I know PTSD when I see it. It’s not your fault. And how it shows itself isn’t your fault, either.”

“It is my fault, ‘cause I’m the one who caused it,” he insists, his shame heavy on his shoulders. “I’m the one who- fuck, I made a mistake during- there was, I didn’t-” Hell, he can’t even speak clearly now? “I didn’t catch something until it was too late, and a soldier ended up dying because of it, because I didn’t do my fucking job, and I didn’t fucking notice. So, yeah, it’s my fault.” Why can’t anyone understand this? “I’m still here, it was my fault but I’m still fucking here, and he-” He can’t suppress a bitter laugh. “I deserve a lot worse.”

“Bullshit.”

He jerks his head up, his protests ready, but the expression on Patty’s face startles him into silence.

She stares him down with the kind of look you can only possess if you’ve seen some shit, and lived through more. “PTSD isn’t a punishment. You experienced something that would have been traumatic for anyone, and your brain processed it a certain way. You can’t change that. Poe, look at me.” She waits until he does before she continues, “I’m sorry about your friend. Truly. And I’m sorry you feel like it’s your fault. But a mistake is an accident. Punishing yourself for an accident isn’t fair to you, or to your friend’s memory. Making yourself suffer needlessly won’t bring him back.

“You’re not broken, honey. You’re not damaged, and you don’t need to be fixed. You’re human. Sure, getting you some help to handle what you’re dealing with is probably necessary.” She nudges him with an elbow. “But that doesn’t mean you deserve to stay hurting. You’ve got too big of a heart to deserve a hell like that.”

He shakes his head, but doesn’t look away (see? Growth!). “I don’t want to feel like this.”

Her smile is sympathetic. “Of course you don’t. Who would?”

“But I’m too fucking weak to stop it,” he scorns.

Patty’s face turns thunderous. “You ever say that in front of me again, Poe Dameron, and you don’t want to know what I’ll do.”

Poe is shocked enough at her fury that his mouth snaps shut.

She continues to glower at him. “Trauma is trauma. Some people aren’t affected by it and some people struggle with it their whole lives.” Using her finger to jab him in the chest, she emphasizes each word. “That. Doesn’t. Make. Anyone. Weak.”

“Miss Patty-”

“Hush!” She slices the air with her hand. “Do you think I’m weak?”

His curls fly as he rapidly shakes his head. “Of course not.” She’s one of the biggest badasses he’s ever met in his life, and he knows Senator Organa.

Patty crosses her arms over her chest. “And if I tell you I had nightmares for almost a decade after I was in a car crash that killed my sister?”

“What?” Poe tries really hard not to gape, but he can tell he fails.

“I would wake up screaming every night for years. I felt like I didn’t deserve to have lived when she’d died. And you know what?” Patty leans forward. “It took a long time, but I healed. I got help. I got a therapist. I still see her every single week, and that was twenty something years ago. And over time, after a lot of tears and a lot of guilt and a lot of pain, it got easier to laugh without feeling guilty, and thinking of her didn’t make me want to rip my own heart out. Poe-” She scoots off the bench and stands in front of him, both hands on his shoulders. “Being affected by trauma isn’t a weakness. And trauma doesn’t make you unworthy of anything.”

“I-”

“No, kiddo. You need to hear me. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to be in love. You’re allowed to laugh, and have fun, and be happy, and to be all those things with the woman you’ve loved your whole life.” She moves one hand to his cheek. “You owe it to everyone who isn’t here anymore to not live your life like you’re already gone, too.”

For one of the only times in his life, Poe is honestly speechless. He can feel his lower lip trembling. And even though he tries his hardest to hold back the torrent, it overwhelms the levees he’s built around his heart and he crumbles, his sobs coming from a place he’s kept buried so deep he has no idea how they find their way to the surface.

Patty wraps her arms around his shoulders as he weeps out his sins and his shame, not saying a word, just providing the presence and touch he needs to keep him grounded. And when his catharsis quiets, she rejoins him on the bench. “How you feeling, kid?”

“Like hot garbage.” And understandably, he reasons. Fuck, he’s cried more in the last hour than he has since his mom died. He glances over. “...but, thank you.”

She waves him off. “I’m a mom; when I see a kid crying, I’m morally obligated to provide comfort.” She winks. “Don’t think it means I like you or anything.”

“Of course not,” he says with a grin, already feeling lighter. After several moments of silence, he glances back at Patty again. “...so, now that you know my darkest secrets, can I ask you a question?”

She raises an eyebrow. “You just did.”

“C’mon, don’t be like that. I’ve wondered this for years.” He motions towards the doors to the dining room. “This place is called ‘Maz’s Cantina’, and you own it.”

“And?” She raises an eyebrow.

His grin is now devilish. “Is your name Patty? Or is it actually Maz?”

She doesn’t answer, just looks at him serenely.

“I knew it!” He can’t wait to tell you. If you’ll talk to him. Fuck. No, he’s not going there right now. “Okay, then, second question: how the everloving hell did you get ‘Patty’ out of ‘Maz’?”

“Who says ‘Patty’ is the nickname?” she answers, just as cheeky.

Poe tilts his head, considering. “Touché.” He pauses again. “....so, like, is it a middle name, or-”

“Get out of here, you donut.” Patty’s grin is fond.

“-maybe great grandma’s name?” He dodges as she elbows him. “Oh, no, wait, it’s the name of an ancestor who was a pirate queen, right? And she hey!” Poe ducks as she moves to smack him upside the head. “Fine! I’m going, I’m going.” He goes to stand but hesitates, uncharacteristically self conscious as he glances to his waitress-cum-confidante-cum-therapist. “...you think she’ll listen to me?”

“Kid-” Miss Patty, or Maz, or whatever she decides to be named- at this point Poe would call her the Supreme Leader of the universe if she wanted- pushes herself off the bench, pressing her hands on her lower back to stretch. “-if you live long enough, you see the same eyes in different people. Fear, regret, joy; forget wearing your heart on your sleeve-” She taps the wire-rimmed frame of her glasses. “-it’s the eyes that show the truth of a person’s soul. And eventually, you learn to recognize the character of a person on sight.”

She regards Poe steadily through the spectacles perched on the end of her nose. “I could tell from the first time the two of you sat down at my counter: you’re both people who look at the world through eyes of love. The pair of you have hearts bigger than you know what to do with. But the way you two look at each other?” She whistles, low. “There’ve only been a handful of people I’ve ever seen with their hearts in their eyes like you. Love like that is once in a lifetime, and that’s if you’re lucky enough to find it.” Winking at him, she jerks her head at the side exit. “Go get your girl. And tell your dad I better see him in here soon for some cheesecake.”

“Yes, Miss Patty.” Poe catches her hand before she turns to go. “Seriously. Thank you.”

She pats his cheek. “Thank me by not fucking this up. That girl deserves all the happiness in the world.” She squeezes his hand. “Just like you do.” Heading back towards the dining room, she leaves him sitting on the bench, calling over her shoulder, “I better be invited to the wedding!”

As emotionally fried as he is, Poe still can’t help but grin.

His thoughts are still in a jumble, but his heart is finally starting to release from the stranglehold it's been in since you’d left.

Maybe, maybe, he can fix this mess.

He’s got to try.

“I need help.”

Finn doesn’t even look up from the laptop. “Clearly.”

“Seriously, you dick-” Poe pulls the office door shut and drops into the visitor’s chair, “-I fucked up and I need advice.”

Maybe it’s the tone in his voice, or maybe it’s that in the time he’s known Finn, he’s never, ever asked for help before. But something makes Finn look at him, really, truly look, and whatever he sees is enough to have him closing the laptop and giving Poe his full attention.

“I-” Fuck, admitting this to his brother-by-choice is going to be harder than he realized. “I told her.”

Finn laughs. “I’m sorry, I must have zoned out. It sounded like you said ‘I told her’.”

Poe doesn’t respond.

It takes about fifteen seconds for it to sink in. “Wait, you told her?!”

Poe scooches further down in his chair. “Yes?”

The look on Finn’s face is the perfect combination of disbelief, incredulity, and exasperation. “You told her. What the hell. Man, she’s engaged.”

“Shockingly,” Poe replies without malice, “I am aware of that fact.”

“You sure?” Finn crosses his arms over his chest. “Because it sounds like you waited to tell your best friend that you’ve been in love with her your whole life until after she found happiness with someone else.”

“I know.” Boy, does he know.

“Which probably made her feel like absolute shit.”

“I know.”

“Because you waited to tell her until-”

“I know, okay?!” Poe finally explodes. “I fucking know. And, for the record? I was prepared to go to my grave without telling her, because nothing in this universe matters to me more than her happiness.”

“You have a pretty fucking strange way of showing it, then.” Finn scrubs a hand down his face. “How the hell did it even come up?”

“She asked me, point blank, at dinner last night.”

“Wait, she brought it up?” Thoroughly confused, Finn blinks stupidly. “I don’t- why?”

“She said-” Poe has to swallow, his mouth suddenly dry. “She said she doesn’t think it’s fair for us to stay like we are, to be so- that we need space if we’re not…” Goodbye, Poe. .

Finn is quiet for several long moments before he speaks, his voice uncharacteristically soft. “...she’s not wrong, you know.”

Poe sighs. “I know.”

Clearing his throat, Finn hesitates before standing to join Poe in the visitors chairs. “Do you want to tell me all of it?”

“Honestly? No.” Poe shrugs. “But it’s not like you don’t know most of it already.”

Finn exhales deeply. “Yeah, I do.”

“I-” Now that he has the opportunity, Poe doesn’t know where to start. “I know I told you when we were over there that I was going to tell her when I got back. And I was. Until- when Vanik-” He breaks off and makes himself take several deep breaths, refusing to hyperventilate for the second time in twenty-four hours. When he feels steady, he continues, “You know how fucked up I was when we came back.” Finn might be the only person in the world who knows.

His friend solemnly nods.

“I didn’t want to taint her with my bullshit.” He shakes his head as Finn goes to interject. “No, I know. I get it now. A very wise person knocked some sense into me last night.” He fiddles with his badge reel as he wryly smiles. “But that’s what held me back then. Before-” Running a finger through his inky curls, he huffs a sarcastic laugh. “Before that, I was just a coward.”

“I mean,” Finn concurs, “yeah.”

“Yeah.” Poe smiles sheepishly. “Sorry for being an idiot.”

“Hey, man. We all fuck up.” His brother-in-arms and closest friend- besides you, of course- shrugs and chuckles. “At least you two got it out in the open now. And it’s not like you guys hooked up or anything.”

Poe feels his ears start to turn pink.

Finn’s face is instantly wary. “Oh, God in heaven, please tell me you didn’t.”

“No!” Poe vehemently shakes his head. “Of course not.”

Sighing with relief, Finn clasps a hand over his heart. “Oh thank God. I knew you weren’t that much of a-”

“-we kissed.”

“You-” Finn’s face would be comical if the situation wasn’t so serious. “What.”

Rubbing the back of his neck, Poe doesn’t say anything.

“Dude. Dude.” Finn looks like he might pass out. “What the fuck were you thinking? You’ve done some stupid shit in your life-”

“Love you too, man.”

“-but this takes the fucking cake.” Finn tips the chair back and covers his face with his hands. “You kissed her.”

Poe settles in for the (deserved) dressing down he knows is coming. “Yep.”

“I can’t believe you.” Finn shakes his head at the ceiling. “Actually, no, I am entirely unsurprised that you kissed her. Kissing her is the most you-thing I can possibly think of you doing. Because only an idiot would have kissed her in that situation.”

“Uh, hi,” Poe interjects, raising a hand. “I’m sitting right here?”

“Yeah?” Finn finally looks at him, clearly unimpressed. “And?”

“Helpful.”

“No-” Snapping the chair forward again and jabbing a finger at Poe, Finn is practically apoplectic. “Helpful would have been you asking her what she wanted to do-”

“-I did-”

“-and not fucking kissing- what the hell, man?!” Finn shakes his head so hard his dreads dance.

“I said, I did ask her what she wants.” Poe’s irritation is starting to rise. “I asked what she wanted, and she said she didn’t know.” The look on your face when you said that will be burned into his memory forever.

Finn’s eyebrows shoot up as he gapes at Poe. “She said she didn’t know? She didn’t tell you to go fuck yourself?”

“Not in so many words.” The same desperation he felt yesterday starts to rise in his throat. “She said she’s loved me the whole time, too.”

“Well, duh.” Finn snorts as Poe’s jaw drops. “C’mon, buddy, neither one of you was very good at hiding it. The two of you were probably the only two people alive who didn’t see it.”

“I-” Poe fiddles with his badge reel again. “...I asked if she was still going to marry him.”

“And she… fuck.” The look on Poe’s face is enough for Finn to guess the answer. “I’m sorry, Poe. That one I didn’t see coming.”

“No, it’s okay,” Poe says, and he’s both stunned and mollified to realize he’s telling Finn the truth. “It’s- it’s her choice.”

Finn’s already crossing his arms before Poe finishes speaking. “No. Nope. She’s out of her mind, yes, she is, Poe! I get it, she’s hurt, you’re both hurt, she feels like she can’t go back on her word, whatever-”

“Yeah, cause it’s not possible she actually loves Jarek.” Poe’s sarcasm is thick.

“I’m not saying she doesn’t love him. I’m saying she loves you in a way so profoundly different it probably terrifies her.” Finn leans forward, bracing his arms on his thighs. “Look- I’m sure she cares for Yeager. I hate to say it, but he’s a solid guy. And he clearly adores her. But that doesn’t mean she wants him more than she wants you.”

Poe blinks. “This sounds like the plot of a Hallmark Christmas movie.”

“You shut your dirty whore mouth about Hallmark Christmas movies, they’re art and I won’t be debating this topic.” Finn’s love for cheesy holiday romcoms is well established. “Now, focus.” He’s dropped into the tactician mode that earned him copious accolades during his military service.

Poe knows better than to interrupt again, and with a deep exhale, gestures for the good doctor to continue.

And continue, Finn does. “I would bet you anything that she doesn’t necessarily want to stay with Yeager. I would bet-” He counts each point on his fingers, “-she’s beyond hurt that you lied to her for so many years. Two, she’s ashamed that she’s also lied to you for so many years.”

Poe bristles and has to suppress the instinctive need to defend you.

“I’m not saying you both didn’t have your reasons, so stop looking at me like that, but it doesn’t change the facts. Three, if she calls off things with Yeager, she’s basically admitting she knew there wasn’t a future with him so long as you’re in her life, so now she feels like she’s lied to both of arguably the two most important men in her life. And four-” Finn levels a significant look at Poe. “She might not feel brave enough to take the risk of giving up a pretty-much guaranteed happy future with Yeager if she’s not absolutely certain that you’re in, no doubts and no reservations.”

Feeling his chest start to tighten, Poe digs his fingers into his thighs and breathes deeply, trying to force the feeling down. “There is nothing in my life I regret more than not being honest with her as soon as I realized how I felt, how I feel about her. I was scared, man, I didn’t- fuck, I didn’t- I couldn’t lose my best freind, Finn. I couldn’t lose her.”

He’s pleading and he doesn’t care.

“Being with her the way I dreamed wasn’t worth the risk. I didn’t, I still don’t care how she’s in my life. Okay? If she’s my friend, if she’s more, I don’t give a fuck, as long as she’s there, I just, it doesn’t fucking matter. I want whatever makes her happy. And if she-” His voice breaks and he has to take a moment to collect himself. “If it makes her happier- if she doesn’t want me there at all anymore, that’s- she gets to make that decision.” It’s hard to swallow around the words, but he knows he’s speaking the truth. “I’ve made enough decisions for her.”

Finn listens, ponders for a few moments, and then takes a deep breath.

“You are, without a doubt, the biggest fucking moron I’ve ever met.”

Okay, now he’s getting pissed. “Fuck you, man, I-”

“Will. You. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. And. Listen?!”

The edge in Finn’s voice makes Poe do just that.

“You say you don’t want to make decisions for her,” Finn continues, “but that’s exactly what you’re doing if you don’t give her all the information before asking her to choose.” His face is serious. “All the information, Poe.”

Shit.

Even if Finn’s right, it’s a conversation Poe hoped to never have with you.

“You both need to talk, and not while wound up and in the middle of a restaurant. Let each of you get your side of things out, and then, and only then, either let her make the choice, or come to a decision together.” Finn regards him impassively. “If her friendship means as much to you as you say it does, don’t you owe each other that much?”

The same fear Poe felt that day at the creek fills his heart. “I’m scared,” he finally admits, knowing there’s no hiding his vulnerability from Finn.

Finn nods. “That’s how you know it’s the right thing to do.”

You words won’t leave his mind. Isn’t it time to be honest with each other?

He chews on his lip. It’s not like he could fuck up the situation any more that he already has.

Isn’t it time?

Several minutes pass before Poe looks up at Finn, who is waiting patiently, like always. “Thanks.”

Finn shrugs. “You’d do it for me.”

“Yeah,” Poe agrees, “I would.” He reaches towards Finn. “Hands.”

With an eyeroll but accompanied by a grin, Finn clasps Poe’s offered hand. “Hands.”

“I mean it, Finn.” Poe nods, sincerity etched on his face. “Every single one of them has the exact same plot.”

“Okay, one, fuck you, and two, no they do not!”

“Someone always comes back to their poedunk little town-”

“It’s called sentimentality!”

“-and there’s some tension with an old flame-”

“Romance, you dick, it’s called romance!”

“...uh, fellas?”

The two men glance towards the office door, where Rose is watching the show.

She jerks a thumb over her shoulder. “There’s a whole clinic of ankle-biters out there, in case you forgot?”

Poe stands and hefts Finn out of his chair as Rose heads back to the reception desk. “Better get cracking, Doc.”

“Just make sure you remember the Bluey bandaids today, okay?” Finn loops his stethoscope over his neck. “I cannot hear one more kid complaining that you gave them a Paw Patrol one instead.”

“Duh. Everyone knows Bluey bandaids make shots hurt less. God, what useless crap did they teach you in med school?”

Poe’s grinning, but Finn must read something on his face, because he pauses halfway to the door before turning back and clasping Poe on the shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay, alright?” Finn assures him. “She loves you. She’s going to listen.”

God, Poe hopes he’s right.

Series Masterlist - Part 2 - Part 4

A/N: Poe's panic attack is an almost exact description of how my own manifest. They're terrifying, especially when you're alone, and for me, include hyperventilation and feeling like I'm going to die. If you also suffer from panic attacks, I am sending you the biggest hugs I have. They are awful and I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

If you or someone you know suffers from PTSD, please seek help.

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