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randomnameless · 2 years

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25, any headcanons?

Pff

25 headcanons for the meme then

Mareeta eventually meets Larcei in the post FE4/FE5 world and beats her soundly because Major Blood makes people OP, it's unfair but that's Jugdral

Velthomer robes have always been black and red, even for the people associated with the Velthomer court, but Saias wears inverted colors to make sure no one knows he's secretly a Velthomer himself. It's a foolproof plan.

Roy is Ninian's son, and him being part dragon is what enables him to use the Sword of Seals ; Harmut came to believe in a future where dragons and humans could live together, Roy's the living proof of this (and Sophia cannot uses swords!).

Everyone expects Leanne's Raven Boy to be a little terror and make Uncle Reyson get grey hair, but it's actually the Heron Girl who has a lot of fun messing with everyone. Naesala is a proud dad.

After the base convo with Ike, Rafiel tried to eat meat. That's the reason why he couldn't join everyone in the Goddess's Tower.

Grandma Eleanora taught Roy how to dance

Rhea and Macuil always insisted on sleeping in Cichol's bed when they were younger with their big bro - Cichol used to think it was uncomfortable because each of them had beds and they were cramped in his, but after Zanado he misses it.

Finn taught everyone in Fiana how to ride a horse - it doesn't mean everyone can fight horse back, but they at least can ride one.

The first shipment for trade between the two nations of United Archanea and United Valentia involved flour and oranges. Legend says Marth enjoyed oranges so much he wanted to give orange juice to everyone in his realm.

Nyna, Tatiana and Zeke are living happily in Rigel with their 6 children.

Eliwood really wanted to grow a mustache like his father, but when he saw Hector's beard he gave up.

Sanaki and Miccy try to be on amiable terms, but the "you tried to fry me remember" and "remember when our ancestor talked to you and ignored me, and wanted to destroy the world because he forgot I existed while playing with you?" are hard to get over with. They are on good terms as rulers of different nations, but they are not on good terms as sisters.

Every ruler from FE10 went to visit at least once Goldoa, and Rajaion's son. Ena was overjoyed, even if she didn't know what to do with the 52 plushies.

When Citrus told Rhea she wanted to marry Jerry, Rhea wondered what she did wrong, Jerry has a rat tail ! Maybe by constructing Citrus she forgot to program the "what is pretty from what is not pretty" software?

Hilda is Arvis's half sister and one of Victor's bastards

Ephraim using so much of Renais's funds to rebuild Grado is very unpopular post FE8, some people of Renais think Grado deserved it because their Prince consorted with demons - something Ephraim actively refutes whenever he can, as a result his reign is not a very popular one

After Mila'n'Duma went asleep, Valentia mages cannot use magic without staves/tomes

During his journey, Nergal learnt his wife died, but unable to accept this fact + the promise he made to the children to bring her back pushed to dwelve deeper and deeper to the Dark Artes, and we know what happened.

Julia's major Naga son will start a new conflict in Jugdral against Seliph's children

After the events of FE4/FE5, Silesse decided to base their hereditary monarchy on Queen Erinys's heirs, regardless if they have a Sety brand or not (given how both father and son ditched the country during various wars).

Cyril sees Shamir as his teacher and Catherine as some sort of annoying older sibling who gives him noogies even if he told her he dosn't like it

Seteth named his wyverns after his dead companions

Ismaire offered Joshua his trademark hat when he told her he was leaving to "discover the world". It's the only thing Joshua will never bet on.

Hugh becomes the first Elibian mage to master Light and Anima magic, but he dies before Niime, who could never told him how proud she is of him, even if he doesn't use dark magic.

Scatach eventually learns how to use an axe after asking his cousin Iuchar(ba?)

#anon #fe meme #Elibe stuff #Magvel stuff #Tellius stuff #Jugdral stuff #Fodlan stuff #some are kind of sad #some are not

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anistarxy · 3 years

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the girl brimming with light 💫

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poisonedamaryllis · 6 years

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Who's eleanora? :)))))))))))))) p.s I love you❤🌹🎉

I love you Mars!!!!

Eleanora is the head of the Montsiege family. She’s an influent woman in the Mafia world, and since she’s a lawyer, she has extensive knowledge on the law and the justice system, and especially how flawed it is. She uses the resources of the Mafia, to dismantle sex trafficking networks from the inside, and she uses her wealth and contacts to track down rapists and corrupted judges who let them get away with it.

Eleanora also created the Black Rose, a black ops organization that specializes in dismantling those networks and rescuing women victims of those networks. They also intervene in cases of pedophilia and sometimes neo-slavery, it just so happens that the focus is on women and kids because they’re the most likely to be targeted by human traffickers.

The Black Rose hires ex-convicts, blacklist hunters, survivors of trafficking networks, etc. and trains them so they become the perfect black ops agents. Duanphen is part of that organization!

I hope that answers some questions ;))) I almost spoiled something while answering XD

Thank you love!!

#WEEEEEE ELEANORA GOT A QUESTION!!!#i love you mars!!!#eleanora #asks #the black rose #oooodlesofnooodles

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captainkirkmccoy · 6 years

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Two friends from childhood vow to always be friends, but they grow apart when one of them moves away. Fast forward couple decades where one is successful and the other has fallen on harsh times and is homeless. The successful one takes in their old best friend and falls in love, but doesn't act on it because it would be taking advantage of them. The homeless friend gets back onto their feet, moves out and after getting a job and places of their own, asks out their friend on a date.

"Always and forever, you promised." Jimmy Kirk whispered from his sleeping bag just feet away from Leo's. They were sleeping in a pop-up tent behind the farmhouse, close enough that they could run inside if something spooked them and far enough away that they couldn't quite see Leo's mom and dad peeking at them from the wide kitchen windows. "Yeah, but only if you let me go to sleep, brat." Leo grumbled, rolling over so that he can get a glimpse of the lively fire that was still blazing from their s'mores attempt earlier. They ended up eating more marshmallows and chocolate than an actual put together s'more but the fire was still comfortable and he knew his parents would make sure it was out completely before they went to bed. Jim sat up, face lit up by the fire and freckles standing out against an otherwise pale face. He got so white in the winter that Leo's mama fed him extra servings of everything. "You can't promise something in exchange for something else. That won't count."Leo sighed. Jim was four-years-younger and his best friend regardless. They had shuffled together out of boredom and desperation--Leo's mama volunteering to babysit Jim when Winona first came to Madison, Georgia, with nothing to her name except a five-year-old shadow named Sam and a wailing baby. The town gossip said that Winona's husband had died on the day baby James was born and that she had fled Iowa as fast and as far as she could go."I meant it, okay? You'll be my best friend always and forever, no matter what."That seemed to appeal Jim, who snuggled back into his sleeping bag and fell asleep minutes later. Leo tried not to think what always and forever looked like and if that was a promise he would keep--even if he already knew he would do everything and anything to try. ***Leo was starting to hate the townhouse he had bought the year of his big promotion to head of surgery at Atlanta General. It was draftier than it seemed, too big and took too long to make it look presentable for when his mother came over. She had a penchant for announcing a visit a day before she would arrive, about to drop a bomb that would upset his fragile staus quo for months after she went back to Madison, leaving him untethered in Atlanta. Two years ago, it was that she was selling the farmhouse and relocating to the new over 50 community (more luxury than comfort). Last year it was that she was remarrying--fifteen years after David McCoy had passed away and twelve after she started vehemently protesting (and unfriending) anyone who tried to set her up. Her new beau, as she called him, was named Christopher Pike and he had moved to Georgia from San Francisco, where he spent years before retirement teaching at some prepatory for rich service brats. Two days ago, she had called and annouced that her and Chris were coming for the weekend--she was desperate to see her son before their Christmas vacation to England and Scotland and had decided to stage a Christmas brunch, lunch and dinner into the three days she would be invading his home. It wasn't as if he didn't have any room, it was just that he had finally gotten used to the quiet that three oversized stories afforded and had enjoyed being a confirmed bachelor, no matter his mother's protestations that he find someone after the divorce. But five-years post-marriage had made him comfortable with living alone, no one to balk at his long nights at the hospital, no one to nag him about not spending enough time being together. ***He was prepared for his mother and Christopher Pike. He was not prepared for Jimmy Kirk. "Hey," Jim said, a tad sheepishly, ducking his head as Leo stared, open-mouthed at the new arrival at his front door. "Leo, you remember, Jim, right?" Eleanora McCoy unwrapped her rather long multicolored scarf and set it on a hook provided by a sturdy wooden hall tree. Chris Pike still kept every stitch of winter clothing on, as if he was ready to bolt the first moment of trouble. Leo, still lost for words, nodded.

"Well, he's been staying with us for a bit and we couldn't leave him alone for Agnes Carlton and her harpies to devour him. And we knew you wouldn't mind--what with all the space you have! It'll be wonderful to catch up again, I'm sure."

Leo hadn't seen Jim in almost twenty-years. If his mama hadn't said something he wouldn't have believed that the scruffy, skinny guy in front of him was Jim Kirk--the same shit-stirring little brat that had been his best friend during childhood. Whenever he pictured Jim Kirk grown up, he pictured him somewhere cold--chopping wood in layers of flannel with a gorgeous wife and brood of equally adorable and raucous children. What he saw instead. despite the obvious gap in years and fact that he had indeed grew up, was an emaciated, rough looking kid. Unable to stop himself he shuffled forward and hugged him. The other man smelled of fresh air, salt and the lingering cologne that he knew Chris Pike wore, telling him that this jacket was a hand-me-down from the other man's closet. "Sorry," Jim whispered in his ear as they broke the hug but Leo was unsure of whatever the man could be sorry about. ***

"Before you start--" his mama said in the kitchen as she started unpacking vegetables from her trusty old farmer's market bag that must have been as old as Leo himself. "What were you thinking, mama? And did you hunt him down just to torture me?" He's sorting through the rest of her groceries with a purpose, desperate to let his hands do something as his mind races."He's homeless, Leo."The wrapped baguette that he was holding nearly drops to his hardwood floor. Before he can say anything else, Eleanora rushes on. "He contacted Chris," at Leo's confused look his mother said, "Old friend of the family, if you believe it or not. So he contacted Chris a few weeks ago about work. He came back to Georgia with nothing, Leo. And we haven't been able to find out what happened. God only knows where Winona is. bless her heart."

"And your solution is to leave him with me?"

"Well, I know you were close and you would still have been if --"If that bastard didn't insist on taking the Kirks away, left unsaid. The bastard being Winona's new husband, a brute of a man who everyone in town called "Gaston." He and Winona met at the factory that she worked at and he insisted on whisking the family away to greener pastures. Jim (like Leo) had been devastated. Madison was the only town he knew. The McCoys had even volunteered to keep Jim for a bit, to finish out the end of the year of seventh grade but Gaston had charmed Winona into packing up the clapboard house they lived in and moving to California, where he insisted they could become something more. Last he heard, Gaston had been forced out of the house after leaving the Kirks in shambles. Sam had run away, Jim had done a brief stint in a juvenile detention center and Winona had buried herself in work (she was the best engineer Madison had ever seen and apparently that went for Mountain View too)."Jimmy just needs to get on his feet, Leo. Chris is going to get him a job at the community college as soon as we get back and see about signing him up for some classes. He's apparently a genius, did you know?" Eleanora's eyes twinkled with pride. ***

It took four days of awkward side-stepping for Jim and Leo to get to know each other again. Once they did, they fell into the same banter and inside-jokes that had dominated most of their adolescent and pre-teen conversations. It took two weeks for Leo, now dubbed Bones as soon as Jim learned he was an old sawbones like his dad, to fall in love with his best friend. Once it happened, it felt inevitable. He couldn't imagine a time when he wasn't in love with Jim.But damn if the timing wasn't right. Jim's face still held that gaunt look that months of living in homeless shelters and on the streets did to a guy. He eventually got out the story from Jim: he had a good job at startup in Palo Alto. But when he walked in on his boss "harassing" one of their young interns, Jim got into an "altercation" and was fired (Jim was as vague as possible, probably in part for having told the story too many times and the rest because the vague terms made it easier to deal with). Because it was a startup, Jim had been living in the co-op that most of the engineers had shared and with that he had nothing but his car and the few belongings a sympathetic co-worker got for him. He stayed around the area in the hopes that he could get the rest of his things and maybe someone else would report the asshole to the cops so that Jim could at least get a reference and move on. In the end, he sold his car and bought a one-way plane ticket to the last place he felt home: Madison. "I'll make this up to you," Jim said, one night, pinks flush with the whisky they had shared from the highball glasses Leo inherited from his father. "Nah. That's what best friends do, kid. Always and forever, remember?"

***

A week later, Jim was gone. His bed was tidy and a note lay on a pillow, ripped out from the pad of DR. DAVID MCCOY that Leo realized the brat must have had after all these years. Thanks. It read. For Everything. His mother called him. "We're back. Is Jim ready to come to Madison? We can pick him up tomorrow."

Leo took a deep breath. "Jim's not here, Ma."

"What?" Her voice took on a shrill quality that she usually used when the dogs had accidents on her rugs. "What do you mean?" Her voice was far away and muffled as she said, "Chris! Leo says Jim's not there."

“He left.”

His mother let out a string of swear words that would have made Jim proud. “I’ll call you back, Leo. Chris is going to go looking.”

***

Months passed with Leo, Chris and Eleanora dividing their time between Atlanta, it’s suburbs, and Madison. They combed through every homeless shelter in the tri-state area, prowled the streets and alleys for Jim.

With every passing dead end brought Leo back to those few years after Jim left the first time and his father getting sick. He felt the deep pull of despair and melancholy as winter gave way to spring and spring gave way to a fucking horribly warm Summer.

He spent most of his weekends at the soup kitchen with his mother’s husband, who he realized he liked more for the way he never gave up on Jim, calling in favors, flying back to San Francisco, exhausting lead after lead until Leo wasn’t sure who was more miserable: him or Chris.

A year passed by the only way it could in this instance, slow and without much of anything to look forward to. Leo found himself talking to a real estate agent about selling the townhouse which was feeling less big and more like a prison without Jim in it.

***

“Ma, I just want a quiet Christmas.” He insisted on the phone, as he shoved some garland and lights into the closet. His mother had shipped them over in the hopes that it would inspire some holiday spirit but Leo wanted nothing to do with anything holiday or cheer.

He took the phone away from his ear to protect from her shrill response. His mother and her husband were staying home this Christmas and were insisting that he come back to Madison. He could think of nothing he’d rather do less.

“Ma, Jesus Ma, hold on.” He set the phone between his shoulder and cheek, hoping that the Chinese delivery was early and it wasn’t some carolers or something equally unpleasant.

He swung the door open and dropped his phone.

Jim Kirk, completely transformed from the last time he saw him, was standing at his front door. Jim Kirk who he had imagined showing up hundreds of times before, except real.

“Hey Bones,” The completely transformed Jim Kirk said, a smirk lighting up his face with mischief and purpose.

“Hey Jim.” Leo managed to get out, taking in his perfectly trimmed hair, the dark jacket that framed broad muscled shoulders, the healthy bright glean to his face.

“I’m sorry about...well, everything.”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Jim nodded, swallowing hard. “I am.”

“Good, though my mama and Chris might demand some explanations.”

Jim looked away, the same sheepish expression that he’d seen just a year ago playing on his face. “Yeah. Definitely.”

“Do you want to come in?”

Jim shook his head. “No, Bones.”

Leo couldn’t help but let his shoulders sink at that. He could hear his mother’s high voice from the floor, demanding to know if Leo was still there.

“I want you to come out with me.”

“What?”

“You. Me. Like a date?”

Leo blinked.

“I’m here to cash in on my promise, Bones.”

“Promise?” Leo’s voice was a rasp as his mouth got drier and drier by the second.

“You know,” Jim’s grin widened. “Always and forever.”

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gorogues · 7 years

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Spoilers for September’s issues of Suicide Squad!

SUICIDE SQUAD #25 Written by ROB WILLIAMS Art by ELEANORA CARLINI Cover by EDDY BARROWS Variant cover by WHILCE PORTACIO Retailers: This issue will ship with two covers. Please see the order form for details. “KILL YOUR DARLINGS” finale! Inspired by Amanda Waller’s twisted vision of control, international Suicide Squads descend upon metahuman populations around the world. The People’s astonishing endgame is finally laid bare, prompting Harley Quinn to take an unbelievable action to save the world from the Suicide Squad’s own dark imitators. Don’t miss this oversize anniversary issue! On sale SEPTEMBER 13 • 40 pg, $3.99 US, FC • RATED T+

SUICIDE SQUAD #26 Written by ROB WILLIAMS Art and cover by STJEPAN SEJIC Variant cover by WHILCE PORTACIO Retailers: This issue will ship with two covers. Please see the order form for details. A DARK NIGHTS: METAL tie-in! “GOTHAM RESISTANCE” part three! With realms dominated by twisted visions of Firefly, Poison Ivy, Two-Face, Scarecrow and Bane stretched out as far as the eye can see, the chances of saving Gotham City from the incursion of the Dark Multiverse are next to impossible. Which sounds like a job for the SUICIDE SQUAD! Harley Quinn, the most unlikely of team leaders, must use her special ops experience to command a charge of heavy metal heroes into their deadliest adventure yet! On sale SEPTEMBER 27 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US • RATED T

Looks like the Squad lineup won’t be changing anytime soon, at least if we’re to believe the cover.

The Flash book will be introducing an OC villain named Bloodwork in September. It sounds like he might be gruesome, which doesn’t thrill me but eh.

Also of note: there’s a new Mark Waid trade in October. Except the solicitation is kinda wonky.

THE FLASH BY MARK WAID BOOK THREE TP Written by MARK WAID Art by MIKE WIERINGO, JOSE MARZAN JR. and others Cover by ALAN DAVIS and MARK FARMER After his devastating battle with Professor Zoom and the Zero Hour event, Wally West must get his life back on track with the help of Nightwing and Starfire, only to be charged with criminal negligence after thwarting Heatwave’s Christmas crime spree. And racing to Keystone City straight from the future, it’s Impulse, the latest member of The Flash’s super-speed family! Collects THE FLASH #80-94. On sale OCTOBER 11 • 368 pg, FC, $34.99 US

...Mick doesn’t appear in that story. There’s a heatwave (as in unseasonably warm temperatures) and a Christmas crime spree in Flash #87, but no Mick. Did somebody at DC get confused?

#Captain Boomerang #Deadshot #Harley Quinn #Katana #Killer Croc #Enchantress #spoilers: comics #solicits

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libertydevitto · 7 years

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ASOUE Questionnaire!!

Stolen from @nobodiespoet, I think they’re the OP but idk

Favorite book in the series: The Penultimate Peril

When did you read them for the first time: Grade two or three, this was pre-movie and my first book was The Hostile Hospital

Favorite character: Probably Kit Snicket. Or Lemony.

Kit/Dewey or Kit/Olaf: Both, why the hell not

Favorite Quagmire: TBH I remember nothing about their personalities so

 Favorite Baudelaire: Uh, Violet, in hindsight I had a crush on her

 Favorite Snicket: Probably Kit Snicket. Or Lemony.

Did you see the 2004 movie in theaters: No, I think we just bought the DVD the second it came out. Seriously, I made my family go to Zellers and buy it at like 7 AM.

 Thoughts about the movie: It’s good, I like it. Not quite as much as the books and show, but it’s good.

 Favorite quote: HOW CAN I CHOOSE

Have you ever met Daniel Handler: No

 Thoughts about ATWQ: I haven’t actually read any of these books yet? But the fact that the great unknown basically was a sea monster, that bugs me a bit.

Favorite ATWQ character: Lemony, because he’s the only one I know lmao

 Favorite moment in ASOUE: The picnic with Kit Snicket, or that scene in The End where they go to the dump or whatever it is, they see all the relics of real society. Honestly any scene with a long list or a lot of descriptions.

 Would you ever get an eye tattoo: Yeah, maybe someday

Fire-fighter or Fire-starter: Fire-fighter!

 Least favorite character: Eleanora Poe. Dear god. Also the Village Elders from The Vile Village

 Did the Quagmires survive: Yeah

In your opinion, what is the great unknown: I used to think it was some sort of submarine, maybe where they keep people who faked their own death, or needed to.

 Did you like the way the series ended: I loved it! I mean, I would have prefered a more definitively happy ending, but that wouldn’t have fit the series. I wasn’t confused at all, at least because The Beatrice Letters came out at basically the same time and it mentioned the B siblings surviving, so.

 What question do you most want answered by Handler: What exactly caused the schism, I forgot if that was ever definitively said. I feel it was something ridiculous like “we should start fighting fires using this method” “no we should stick to the old methods!” etc.

What are you most excited for about the Netflix series: Sir and Charles, but also just, seeing every book finally played out, not just the first three. The Penultimate Peril will kill me.

Binge watching or spacing out the episodes: I binge watched, but I skipped The Reptile Room and The Wide Window episodes because I just don’t care at all, so it didn’t take that long

#ASOUE #ASOUE spoilers #sorry lmao i had to do this

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mischafaalhaas · 5 years

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Lullige manieren om het leven te laten deel 1: Het Japanse theekopje

Johanna Helena Eleanora van Belten- Wapenaer was ziedend.

Haar bloed kookte terwijl ze nagelbijtend door de vitrage naar buiten keek, haar door de tuinman perfect onderhouden voortuin in. Daar, in het bloemenperk, tussen de rozen en het Javaanse siergras, zat die godvergeten kat van haar nieuwe buurvrouw z’n behoefte te doen. Het achterlijke bruin-rood gestreepte beest had een gat gegraven, en zat daar nu op z’n dooie gemak te kakken. Zoals iedere ochtend.

Iedere ochtend sinds de intrek van de nieuwe buurvrouw in de benedenwoning naast Johanna ging om stipt 08:00 uur de voordeur open, en rende het beest met luid klagelijk gemiauw naar buiten, regelrecht Johanna’s voortuin in, en deed daar zijn behoefte. Na twee weken was heel haar tuin geruïneerd en die stomme hippie van een buurvrouw waarvan Johanna de naam niet eens meer wist deed er niks aan. ‘Ja’, had de buurvrouw gezegd, terwijl ze schaapachtig lachte en zich achter haar oor tussen de bruine krullen krabte; ‘het is een kat, ik kan niet bepalen waar ze haar behoeftes doet als ze niet binnen is. Als u genoeg van haar heeft mag u gerust een emmer water over haar heen gooien’. Al had Johanna een oceaan aan water over het beest gegooid, het had geen zin en de irritatie liep op tot ongekende hoogtes. Terwijl ze naar buiten staarde in contemplatie wat te doen met het duivelsbeest verdween de nagel van één van Johanna’s vingers in haar mond. Niet dat Johanna nog zo veel nagels had om op te bijten zo op haar tweeënnegentigste, maar tijden van stress brachten de gewoonte van de vingers naar de mond brengen weer naar boven. De nagel van haar linker middelvinger verdween tussen haar tanden, terwijl ze hem bevochtigde met haar tong en er net zo lang op kauwde tot de nagel zorgvuldig afgescheurd kon worden met de tanden. ‘Nagelbijters zijn mensentreiters!’ hoorde ze haar rotzak van een overleden echtgenoot nog zeggen. Die ellendeling lag nu al meer dan twintig jaar onder de zoden en nóch kon ze zijn stem horen wanneer ze haar inmiddels verschrompelde vingers ook maar een klein stukje in de richting van haar mond bracht. Die man was nergens goed voor geweest; kinderen kon hij niet krijgen en al z’n zakelijke ondernemingen waren in de soep gelopen. Gouden bergen had hij haar beloofd; uiteindelijk had ze niet meer dan een hoop stront gekregen. Die man kon in al die jaren niets anders ophangen dan lulverhalen waar achteraf maar de helft van waar bleek te zijn, en hij bleek een talent te bezitten voor het maken van domme keuzes. Johanna had al vrij snel na hun huwelijk door dat ze een grote fout had begaan, maar scheiden, dat deed je niet in de jaren vijftig, dus besloot Johanna dat ze het zichzelf maar zo gemakkelijk mogelijk moest maken en zo onafhankelijk mogelijk moest worden. Ze drukte boodschappengeld achterover, verdiende in het geniep een klein fortuin aan het haken van sokken, handschoenen en sjaals op haar hobbyclubjes, vond stiekeme liefde in de man van de houtwerkplaats en in september stroomden de aanvragen van minder creatief-begaafde hobbyclubleden voor enkele honderden kerstkaarten al weer binnen. Hier aan terugdenkend glimlachte Johanna. Het was zo makkelijk geweest. Mensen verstuurden zo veel kerstkaarten toendertijd; en die ellendeling had geen flauw idee hoe veel omzet ze maakte. Ze kocht de materialen voor de kaarten minimaal in en verkocht de kaarten met maximale winst. De dames hadden de kaarten maar wat graag van haar overgenomen en ze presenteerden de kaarten als zelf gemaakt, om hun creatieve onkunde te verbergen.

Het geld dat Johanna met het haken en de kaarten verdiende verstopte ze zorgvuldig door diverse plekken in het hele huis. Een tjokvol sigarenkistje in de pot met bloem; In het uitgeholde Margriet magnetron-kookboek en een traditionele ouwe sok in de sokkenlade, maar de meeste flappen bevonden zich toch echt in de valse bodem van het gootsteenkastje, beschermd door allerhande schoonmaakartikelen. Als een appeltje voor de dorst, wanneer haar zoutzak van een echtgenoot nou eindelijk het leven eens zou laten. De jaren verstreken, maar die man ging maar niet de pijp uit.

Op een dag was Johanna het zat en besloot ze het lot een handje te helpen. Het zou simpel zijn; een dodelijk ongeluk zit in een klein hoekje. Ergens had ze gelezen dat de meeste dodelijke ongelukken zich in en rondom het huis plaats vonden; het uiteindelijke resultaat van haar plan. Die slappe zak had nooit koffie leren drinken en dronk zodoende alleen maar thee. Niet gewoon de Engelse Melange van Douwe Egberts, maar Japanse ‘Matsja’. Slappe Zak had ooit zo’n pakje met ‘matsja-poeder’ gekregen van een bevriende mede-slappeling, en sindsdien had Slappe Zak het voor veel geld geïmporteerd uit Japan. Het zag er nogal smerig uit, zo’n groenig goedje in haar Engelse theeservies. In de Margriet had Johanna gezien dat die ‘matsja’ eigenlijk uit hele zware gietijzeren kopjes werd gedronken, en toen was de cirkel rond. Het had wat postkaarten en telefoontjes gekost, maar eindelijk had ze het voor elkaar gekregen. Bijna vijf maanden later belde de postbode zwetend en hijgend aan en overhandigde haar het pakket met daarin het loeizware Japanse gietijzeren theeservies.

‘Ach liefje, wat attent! Wat mooi, zoiets bijzonders heb je me nog nooit gegeven!’ had de Slappe Zak gezegd toen hij het pakket openmaakte. Het servies ging op de bovenste plank van het bovenste keukenkastje; Johanna had de reorganisatie van de inhoud van het kastje zo gepland dat alleen daar nog plek was. En dan nog wel zo weinig plek dat ze zich wel genoodzaakt voelde om de loeizware Japanse theekopjes zonder oortjes die zich niet helemaal goed lieten opstapelen per twee op elkaar in het kastje te proppen. Dat was totaal niet handig, en dat was nu juist Johanna’s plan. Het zou vast niet lang duren voor Slappe Zak met z’n onhandige worstvingers zou graaien naar een kopje, om z’n matsja te drinken, en mis zou grijpen. Het ene kopje zou van het andere kopje af glijden, en de zwaartekracht zou z’n werk doen en met een noodlanding op het kale hoofd van haar rottige echtgenoot terecht komen. Het vallen van het loodzware kopje op zijn kale schedel zou het effect hebben van een honkbalknuppel in een autoruit; het zou ter plekke gedaan zijn met Slappe Zak. Helaas mocht het niet zo wezen.

Tot Johanna’s grote frustratie kwam haar plan niet ten uitvoer zoals bedacht. Die kopjes vielen maar niet op Slappe Zak’s hoofd, zelfs niet als ze ze expres van tevoren iets schever op elkaar zette of er dan desnoods maar drie op elkaar. Er gebeurde niks. Dagen, maanden, jaren gingen voorbij en ze gaf het op. Uiteindelijk was de ellendeling toch overleden aan diabetes, wat pas ontdekt werd bij het amputeren van een teen welke was gaan rotten door het proces. De kopjes stonden nog altijd in de kast, en omdat Johanna niet meer bij het bovenste kastje kon had ze het Japanse theeservies maar gewoon laten staan, vallen deed het klaarblijkelijk toch niet. De Reuma had er voor gezorgd dat ze niet meer zo goed omhoog kon kijken en na verloop van tijd dacht ze niet meer na over de gietijzeren kopjes, per twee opgestapeld, op het randje van de plank.

Inmiddels had Johanna door de kat van de buurvrouw geen nagels meer over en ze ergerde zich groen en geel. Haar woede was dusdanig tot een hoogtepunt gekomen dat er niet meer mee te dealen viel. Het was nu helemaal klaar, als de buurvrouw niets aan het mormel zou doen, zou ze het heft zelf in eigen handen nemen. Ze trok de voordeur open, gooide met een luide schreeuw en al haar kracht een lege fles Sherry in de richting van het mormel, miste het beest op enkele centimeters en trok met een klap de voordeur zo hard dicht dat de glazen in het huis rinkelden. Ze stiefelde naar het keukenkastje. Ondanks het vroege tijdstip was het tijd voor Sherry, nu de nagels op waren.

Wat Johanna niet wist, was dat er door die ene klap in het bewuste kastje iets was verschoven.

Johanna reikte naar het handvat van het kastje en toen ging alles ineens heel snel. Met het opengaande kastdeurtje gleed ook het loodzware gietijzeren Japanse theekopje van het andere loodzware gietijzeren Japanse theekopje en belande met een noodgang op het gefrustreerde oude hoofd van Johanna. Johanna Helena Eleanora van Belten- Wapenaer stortte ter aarde en kwam nimmer meer omhoog.

Buiten groef de kat van de buurvrouw nog maar eens een gat en verwonderde zich over de stilte die zich plots van het huis meester had gemaakt.

#dood lullig theekopje fictie romany kat

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