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nowritingonthewall · 1 year

Text

Long Promised Road

Pairing: David (Outcome 3) x GN!reader

Fandom: The Bourne Legacy

Rating: M (Mature)

Word count: 7400

Summary: After more than three years of not knowing what happened to David, you get a chance to reunite with the love of your life.

Warnings: Themes of severe emotional pain and loneliness (Please please don’t read if you fear that you might not be able to cope, even if this means scaring off the only two potential readers for this story!), a grown-up man showing emotions, moments of panic, one superficial physical wound mention (no specific description), some mild swear words, the reader drives a car, lots of angst but there is a hopeful and happy ending!

The story takes place in and around Arizona, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that the reader is American.

A/N: Hiya 🥰 This is my very first attempt at writing a one-shot, which was inspired by the 2021-05-12 prompt for Writer Wednesday organized by the wonderfully amazing @autumnleaves1991-blog

Thank you to the sweet and lovely Ayen, Autumn & Cece for giving David his name <3

Please be aware that I am not a native speaker, so I sincerely apologize in advance for any crimes committed against the beautiful English language!

So hard to answer future's riddle When ahead is seeming so far behind So hard to laugh a child-like giggle When the tears start to torture my mind So hard to shed the life of before To let my soul automatically soar

As you listened to the song on the car radio, driving down the endless roads of America’s Southwest, while the AC utterly failed at brushing the merciless Arizona summer off your face, you could not help but giggle yourself at how much the lyrics of the Beach Boys’ song resonated with your current situation. The giggle was neither child-like, nor was it bitter, it was more like a mirror of a mix of too many emotions fighting to bubble to the surface, leaving you in a state of sheer confusion as you tried to make sense of what lay behind as much as what might lay ahead.

There were no tears, tough. You had stopped crying a long time ago. Three years, two months, three weeks and five days, to be exact. The day after you had seen him for the last time. The day after he had told you that he would have to leave you because it was the only way to keep you safe. The day after you had begged him not to go because you didn’t care that the people responsible for his fate had found out about your love. Because you didn’t care about what they would do to you if they tracked down your identity and because you would have done whatever was necessary to just keep him in your life.

You could still feel the tender touch of his soft hands on your face as he had gently coerced you to look into his eyes that had mirrored your own pain, his breaking voice echoing in your head.

“I know that I can’t make you promise to forget about me. And I won’t. But… will you promise me that you will at least try to be happy again? Please, Angel, can you… can you do that for me?”

You had tried. You had tried so hard, even if it was just for the fact that you had promised him you would. So you had kept meeting people. Good people, kind people, decent people. But all of them seemed to pale and turn to ashes right in front of your eyes, the moment that even the tiniest memory of him resurfaced in the canyons of your mind.

There was a hole in the shape of him in your life and the more you tried to mend it, the deeper it seemed to burn itself into your heart, your mind, your soul and every aspect of your very existence. Not unlike the Colorado River, the path of which you were currently following. The more layers of sediment were neatly deposited on top to bury whatever lay beneath, the deeper its eroding forces seemed to cut into the ground until they laid bare the heavily jointed bedrock. Full of ragged fault lines, it had been destroyed and restructured by indescribably merciless forces of heat and pressure so often that it was ready to crumble and turn to dust the moment it was brought to the surface.

You had been just about ready to accept that you would have to live with that gaping wound in your heart for the rest of your life when you had received the letter. It had not really said much, just that there had been some developments, that – if you wanted to – you could meet to talk, that he would understand if you did not want to, and it had stated the day and time when he would be waiting for you at the place where you had met for the very first time. You smiled fondly to yourself as you remembered your first meeting as if it had happened yesterday.

Your then significant other had taken you on a vacation that had included an all inclusive visitor experience of the West Rim of the Grand Canyon. In order to take the perfect picture in front of the famous rock formation shaped like an eagle, they had made you pose over and over again, urging you to step closer and closer to the edge of the canyon. Weary of any discussion, you had simply hoped that it would be okay and for a while it had been, until suddenly, it was not and the ground had literally given way beneath your feet.

While people above you had started to scream and activate the cameras on their phones in presumably equal measure, you had clung to a ledge for dear life as your feet had dangled in the air with about six feet to go up and definitely too many feet to go down. You had just started to debate with yourself whether it was actually time to make peace with your maker, when all of a sudden, a curly head had appeared right next to you, telling you in the calmest of voices that he would get you back to safety and all you would have to do was trust him.

The moment you had seen the mixture of kindness, determination, encouragement and calmness in his eyes, your panic had immediately been replaced by a kind of trust you had never felt before in your life. You vaguely remembered strong arms taking hold of you and more soothing words and a lot of clapping and attention by the crowd after that but you would never forget that first look into his unbelievably warm and kind eyes and the moment you had simply known that you would be safe.

Not only had he brushed off the fact that he had literally just saved your life (and risked his own in the process) as if it was nothing, he had also personally made sure that you were okay, whereas your significant other had run off pretty quickly.

As your legs had suddenly forgotten how to work, he had gently guided you to a quiet place in the cool shadow of a Joshua tree to sit down, discreetly checked you over for any sustained injuries and carefully treated some superficial wounds on your arms after checking whether this would be all right with you. He had even got you a fresh bottle of water from a booth in plain view of you so that you would know that he had not tempered with it. Despite the fact that you had been vulnerable and in shock and it would have been more than easy for him to take advantage of that, he had not even tried to make a pass at you once. He had simply kept talking to you in the warmest and most soothing voice you had ever heard until you had stopped shaking. At the slightest sign of you shivering again due to the cooling evening air, he had laid a woolly sweater around your shoulders, which had felt nearly as soft as the tender look in his eyes. Deep down in your heart you had known there and then that you would never ever want to let him go again.

So, if you were honest, your decision had been made before you had even finished reading the letter. Of course you had to go. It wasn’t even a question. Even if the possibility of this being a very elaborate trap had crossed your nightmares more than once. Even if it could mean that they had finally found out about your identity. Even if you could turn up there to discover that they had sent a person to inform you that he was gone. Hell, for all you knew, the biogenetical overlords might finally have decided that love wasn’t a crime after all, and this was his way of introducing you to his spouse, their three children and their dog named Boo. You had no way of knowing what had happened to him during the last three years. The only thing that you knew, the only thing that you could be absolutely sure of, was that if you didn’t do this, you would regret it for the rest of your life.

Moreover – apart from the fact that nobody else actually knew where you had first met and that the place would be crowded with people making it really hard to pull any kind of stunt – the letter had been signed with his name. The name you had given him. The name nobody else ever used, because to everyone else he was just outcome no. 3. To this day you had not forgotten how his eyes would soften and light up, whenever you had called him by his name.

Like you had the morning after you had spent your first night together. Not only had you just slept all through the night for the first time since you could remember, you had also slumbered way longer than usual as your body had decided that it had finally found the safest place in the world to relax at – the soft embrace of his arms.

When you had started to stir and found your head resting on his chest with your hand on his tummy, you had felt those very same arms gently pulling you closer, before their owner had placed an affectionate kiss on the top of your head. You had started to hum in sweet contentment, when you had caught sight of the alarm clock on the night stand and you had suddenly jerked awake gasping “Shit! Shit! Shit! Why didn’t you wake me?!”

The chuckle that you had heard rumbling in his chest hadn’t just calmed you down instantly, it had also been added immediately to your list of your most favourite sounds in the world. “Because I didn’t have the heart to wake you when you were slumbering so peacefully. And you are way too adorable to look at. Oh, and a good morning to you, too, Angel!” he had grinned down at you with eyes so warm that you probably should have started to worry about the melting of the ice caps at the poles, had you been able to concentrate on anything else but his loving gaze.

“Good morning, David!” you had smiled back at him and the sparkle that had radiated from his eyes had warmed your heart even more. “I love it when you call me that!” he had whispered cradling your head and tenderly caressing your cheek with his thumb. “I’m glad to hear that,” you had answered, “because I don’t intend to ever stop calling you David again.” To put some emphasis on your words, you had turned your head and kissed the palm of his hand before starting to leave lazy kisses on his shoulder and his chest, with each one being followed by another soft whisper of his name.

As you had gazed up at him again, he had gently smoothed your hair out of your face, before lightly pressing his soft lips to your forehead. When he had started to leave a trail of kisses down your nose, you had kept your head exactly where it was, with your lips just out of his reach, until he had grunted in frustration. “Oh, you are being cheeky again!” he had mock-complained, clearly referring to the night before, when you had accidentally found out how ticklish he was and had taken full advantage of that newly-gained knowledge.

Now, as you had slowly and playfully let your hand wonder down towards a particularly ticklish spot on his belly, he obviously had felt the need to repay you, as he had suddenly grabbed you and turned you over to make you lie on your back making you squeal in surprise. The following tickle attack had made you squeal even louder before your squeaking had turned into laughter and your laughter had turned into hiccups. When you had started to beg for mercy, he had playfully pinned your arms down by your side and leaned over you, bringing his face within inches of yours. “Will you let me kiss you now?” he had asked trying to sound stern with the gleam in his eyes clearly betraying him. “Hm… let me think about that…nonono!”

As he had resumed tickling you even more intensely, your attempts to escape his skilled fingers had become more eager until you had both tumbled out of bed with him coming to lie atop of you. “Oh sh… I didn’t mean to… Angel, are you okay?” The concern in his voice had made your heart swell with so much love, you hadn’t able to stop yourself from immediately pulling him towards you and instead of answering, you had buried your fingers in his curls and pressed your lips on his, moving against him until he had been groaning into your kiss. “Never better… David!” you had smiled up at him when you had finally broken apart.

As he had rested his forehead against yours, the shining sparkles in his eyes had turned into tears but before you had been able to react, he had already pulled you up into his strong arms and warm embrace. As he had held you close with one hand, the other had been cradling the back of your head and the warmth and fondness and care and tenderness that he had put into his kiss had been so overwhelming and all encompassing, you could still feel it to this day.

“For you were my first love and first love never ever dies…” The car radio snapped you out of your trip down memory lane and pulled you back into the present. Raising your eyebrows you let out an overdramatic sigh, not really knowing whether it was directed at the Walker Brothers or the car. “Seriously, you are just trying to mock me now, aren’t you?”

Before you could dive into a full-blown argument with the radio, however, the West Rim visitor car park at the Grand Canyon came into view and you had to divert all of your concentration to not hitting any of the parking cars as your excitement and anxiety were competing for which would be able to stretch your nerves the furthest. You miraculously managed to scan your admission ticket without breaking the machine and hopped on the shuttle bus that would bring you to Eagle Point, before your legs had a chance to give out. The awe-inspiring beauty of the surrounding landscape, which under different circumstances would have taken your breath away, was completely lost on you as you had to concentrate on remembering how to breathe in general.

Even though you had arrived with nearly an hour to spare, you couldn’t keep yourself from immediately starting to scan the crowds for him, the second you stepped off the bus. It only took a few moments for your heart to start somersaulting as you spotted him between the hordes of tourists taking picture upon picture or fighting for a place in the queue of people waiting to step onto the Skywalk. None of them noticed how you suddenly started to sway as you realized that he was standing in the shadows of the very same tree that the two of you had sat under together all those years ago. You and him. David and you.

To any other observer, he easily might have passed for just another travel blogger or instagram celebrity searching for that spontaneous snapshot which would only take three hours to arrange. Not to you, though. You would have recognized those curls anywhere, even though they seemed to have grown even softer and fluffier since the last time you had laid eyes on them.

Instead of one of his cosy sweaters you had gotten so used to during the short time you had been allowed to spend with him, he was wearing a plain blue t-shirt, which perfectly accentuated his broad shoulders and – you were certain despite the fact that his back was currently turned to you – his sturdy chest, which had always felt as if it had been made for you to lean against. You had to steady yourself against some rocks, partly because you were hoping to persuade your body and soul to stop trembling so violently and partly because you were still trying to figure out what exactly the nature of this meeting was supposed to be.

Just as you remembered how to set one foot in front of the other, you saw him turn around. His face was mostly hidden by large and dark sunglasses, leaving him nearly unrecognizable if it hadn’t been for his smile. That smile, which could lighten up even your darkest days and which seemed to shine that much brighter whenever he directed it at you. Exactly like he did now. Despite the sunglasses, you could nearly feel how those gorgeous crinkles would form right next to his eyes. Those beautiful warm brown eyes, which had always been so full of nothing but love and adoration for you, so intense and yet unbelievably soft, never failing to both blow you away and draw you in at the same time. Your memory, however, seemed to pale in comparison to what you now saw in front of you. As he slowly approached you and pushed his glasses up into his curls, the warmth and sincerity radiating from his eyes immediately drove away any anxiety and doubt, which you might have had prior to coming here.

It took every ounce of self-restraint you could muster up to keep yourself from immediately throwing your arms around him and pulling him as close to you as humanly possibly, as he incredulously breathed out your name and slowly brought his hand to your face gently touching your cheek as if to make sure that you were actually real and not just another mirage. “You came!”

He was so careful, giving you every opportunity to pull away should you wish to do so, while every fibre in your body and soul was screaming at you to launch yourself at him already.

“Please don’t worry, we are not being watched,” he added quickly, obviously eager to put you at ease. “I am so sorry for being so cryptic in the letter, I just… I couldn’t take any chances that might have put you in any kind of danger and… you must have so many questions…”

You started with the most important one, “Can I hug you?” You just couldn’t help yourself. Judging by his reaction, this was not the type of question that he had expected, as he gasped, “Wha… of course, you can!”

There wasn’t the slightest hint of awkwardness as you let him draw you into his embrace burying your face in the crook of his neck. This didn’t feel like hugging an estranged man who you hadn’t seen in more than three years, this simply felt like coming home. His scent was even more comforting than you remembered it and you drank him in like a person dying of thirst in the desert.

The scorching and relentless heat in all of Arizona would not have been able to compete with the warmth that flooded your senses the moment that you melted into his arms. It was not relentless and tiring and deadly. It was all embracing yet never suffocating. Perfectly satisfying and still leaving you craving more. Like a hot stream of lava, only instead of leaving a trace of burning and destruction, it immediately turned the barren deserts of your soul into fertile soil.

“I have missed you,” you mumbled against his softness. This did not even come close to what you actually wanted to say and your inner turmoil of everything that was fighting to bubble to the surface. You could feel his breath hitch, but instead of answering, he just hugged you tighter ever so slightly. Nevertheless, you also noticed how cautious he was, how he trembled wherever your skin came in contact with his, how he seemed to fight to control his breathing, how you could feel his heart beating even faster than yours. Moreover, there were way too many people watching.

So you allowed yourself to cling to him just long enough to convince yourself that he was actually real before letting go. As you relaxed your grip on him, so did he, even though his reluctance to do so wasn’t lost on you.

His hand seemed to find yours automatically and from then on he kept your hand in his as if he was afraid that you would disappear the moment that he would let go. He held your hand as he told you that he had rented a lodge nearby and that you could go there to talk, but only, and only if you wanted to. He held your hand as you walked back to the shuttle bus stop. He held your hand during the whole ride back to the car park. He held your hand as you stepped off the bus and walked to his car. He could barely be persuaded to let go of your hand for long enough for you both to get in the car and for him to sit down behind the wheel.

So you gingerly placed your hand on his arm and gently squeezed it whenever he would glance over to you as if he needed to make sure that you were still there. You kept your hand on his arm, when he told you how he had spent the last three years in a remote cabin in Alaska, when he told you about the drone strike, when he told you in a matter-of-fact voice how he had managed to escape with less than a second to spare before the cabin had been blown to smithereens, when he told you how he had left his radio-frequency identification in the cabin to fake his death, and when he told you that he had spent the last three months in hiding until he could be sure that they had bought it and how he had been trying to find you. You…

You could see how he tried to hide the question burning in his eyes and settle for a more neutral approach, “So how… how have you been?”

“Oh, I am… fine,” you answered knowing perfectly well that you didn’t fool anyone, especially not him.

“And is there… “ he tried again, “I mean, have you…?”

His voice was as soft and gentle as ever, but there really was no soft way of putting this, so you went for the blunt approach, “No, there is no one in my life. I still live alone. I tried to make it work, several times, I really did, but… well, it just never really worked out.” There it was.

“Oh…”

You couldn’t help but visibly wince when he turned his head revealing his face to you. You did not know what you had expected to find there. Maybe some kind of relief, maybe even a hint of happiness, but certainly not the deep sadness with which he looked at you. “I had hoped…” he started in a small voice, before turning his attention back to the road and clearing his throat, “I really hoped that you would find someone you could be happy with…”

The sudden and sharp pain piercing your heart made you dig your fingers of your free hand into your thigh so hard, it nearly made your eyes water, which was actually the opposite of what you had hoped to achieve. This wonderful and precious man, who was so full of love to give, the kindest-hearted man who had ever stepped into your life, had just returned from three years of exile, forced to live locked away in a cabin at the end of the world without so much as a touch or kind word by another human being. And yet, the first time that he allowed himself to show even the tiniest trace of sadness in front of you, it was out of concern for you.

At that moment, you remembered how to cry. But you couldn’t show any tears, not yet, not here. If you allowed yourself to cry now, he would blame himself for hurting you and you knew that it would break him. If there was anything left in him to break. The thought hit you so hard and so unexpectedly out of nowhere, you had to bite your tongue to keep yourself from crying out loud.

You were more than relieved when you finally arrived at the lodge.

He had sworn to himself that he would take it slowly. He had sworn to himself he would not urge you or rush you or ask for anything that you were not ready to give. He had sworn to himself that he would not bombard you with an outburst of emotions that might scare you or drive you away. But the moment that the door of the lodge fell shut, the moment that you were drawn into each others arms again as if driven by an invisible force, shielded from prying eyes, he could sense his resolve melt away.

The icy prison he had built around his heart had started to thaw the second that he had found you in the crowd today. Those countless layers of biting and bitter cold he had not even realized were there.

Because the moment he had been forced to leave you behind, more than three years ago, he had gone back to being outcome 3. And outcome 3 was not supposed to have feelings. The notion of him experiencing what it felt like to fall in love, let alone learn what it felt like to be loved in return, made him a statistical outlier jeopardizing the success of the whole experimental set-up.

So he had allowed icy layer upon icy layer to freeze around his heart until he had no longer been able to feel what lay beneath it. He had built a layer so thick that he did not notice how, instead of providing protection, the masses of ice kept grinding in all its brutal force, its sharp edges cutting deep into the tender softness below, as if it was nothing.

He had stopped to feel. This did not mean that he had forgotten, though. It was the gentle memory of you that had kept him sane through those dark and cold and lonely days and nights. And while he had never dared to dream of ever meeting you again, he had still clung to the thought that him staying in exile had been the only way of keeping you safe, of giving you the chance of having a life.

And now you were here. And you were so soft and warm and suddenly so near and real, when a mere two hours ago he had been convinced that he would never see you again. He had expected anything but being embraced by your welcoming arms as if the last three years had never happened. All he had hoped for was a chance to tell you what had been going on, because he would not have been able to bear the thought of you accidentally finding out that he had been killed in an explosion.

He just wanted to talk to you but as he opened his mouth, he suddenly had to gasp for air, as he forgot how to breathe and as he saw you reaching out for him, your eyes full of concern and worry and pain, his ragged breaths turned into heart-wrenching sobs.

The icy glacial landscape of his soul stood no chance against your radiating light and warmth and the melting masses came crashing down the mountainside, sweeping away everything that stood in their path. And the rising flood threatened to drown him.

As the ice thawed, revealing the damage that lay beneath, his violent sobs turned into cries of pain and suddenly he realized that you were no longer there. So he tried to call your name, he was screaming for you but his lungs refused to fill with air. He had to find you, he needed to get you back to safety, he had promised you, he couldn’t allow you to be pulled down with him.

But how could he keep you safe, when he had lost his footing and just kept kicking frantically against the nothingness. Against the vast emptiness that had become his life. He couldn’t see you. He couldn’t find you. And as he plunged into cold and darkness, his cries of pain turned into screams of agony.

He had lost you again.

He almost welcomed the cold and dark that was about to engulf him. It provided a welcome distraction from the emptiness that was about to become his reality once more.

Yet through his tears of despair, as he was about to be submerged beneath the raging waves, he could make out a faint glow in the distance. You were his guiding light, like you had always been. No longer a feeble flickering of a light house on a far away and unreachable shore that he had gotten so used to. Though it was too dark for him too really see, he could sense that you were near. You were there, you were calling for him, you were reaching for him. As the darkness threatened to take him, you found his hand and pulled him towards the light again and again. Over and over, you reminded him how to breathe. Just as he was about to sink, you guided him out of the raging waters and the roaring storm until you had pulled him safely to shore.

“I am right here by your side, my love. I am holding you. You are safe in my arms.” Slowly, your tender words reached through the storm clouds of his tormented soul and guided him back into the present. He could not remember how the two of you had ended up sitting on the floor. Somehow his head had come to rest on your shoulder, while one of your hands gently steadied him against your chest as he could feel your other hand stroking tenderly up and down his back. You were here. You were here and you were so warm. He carefully whispered your name, his voice hoarse and barely audible, “you are here!” - “Yes, my love,“ you assured him, once more, “I am here!” And he knew that he would be safe in your arms.

After a while, you suggested that maybe you should get up from the floor, but his legs seemed to have forgotten how to work. So you helped him up and gently guided him over to the bed to sit down. You got a glass of fresh water for his burning throat and kept talking to him in your soothing voice until he stopped shaking.

“I’m sorry!” he choked out still fighting to find his voice again, “I am so sorry, this wasn’t… this isn’t how our meeting was supposed to go…”

“Oh, Sweetie, no!” you interrupted him gently but firmly. “There is nothing you have to apologize for, David, this… this isn’t your fault!”

“David… “ he repeated slowly as his shaky breath turned into another sob, “I haven’t… nobody has… I forgot…”

He had not heard this name in such a long time and yet here you were, addressing him with his name as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if he was a human being, not another statistical random sample in a cruel lab experiment designed to create the perfect super weapon.

He was so touch starved that he could not help but whimper when you gently brought your loving hand to his face to wipe away his tears. He whimpered even more heartbreakingly when you withdrew your hand upon his reaction. Instead of pulling away, however, your movements just became softer and gentler. Your lips brushed his temple ever so tenderly as you whispered his name again, “David.”

Your next kiss carefully caressed his cheek, “My David.” Then he could feel your impossibly warm lips on his forehead, “My sweet David.” Another kiss brought your soft lips to the corner of his mouth, “My sweet and wonderful David.”

Every single kiss felt like its own confession of your feelings for him. Every loving brush of your warm softness against his skin seemed to take care of another wound on the rugged surface of his torn spirit. Not like a disinfectant burning his sore soul, not like a band aid carelessly thrown on his bleeding heart, but like a soothing balm with no other intention than to heal any cut, any bruise, any trace of pain and grief he had ever suffered in his life. You did not stop until his helpless whimpers had turned into more steady breaths. And when you brought your hand to the side of his face to caress his cheek once more, he automatically leaned into your touch, just like he had used to.

“You are loved, David. You are so loved.”

As he gazed into your eyes and found nothing but gentle warmth and tender fondness and endless adoration in them, his own eyes began to fill with tears once more. Only, this time his tears were not made of pure pain and grief and despair, they stemmed from a heart so overflowing with love for you that it could never be contained in the life of just one human being.

And suddenly the urgent need to hold you washed over him. He just really, really needed to hold you in his arms. Before he could reach out for you, however, you were already there, ready to be pulled towards his chest and towards his heart.

“I love you!” he whispered as he buried his face in your hair and his voice broke again, “I love you so much!”

There was so much more that he wanted to tell you and at the same time there was nothing that he could tell you that he felt you didn’t already know. So you just sat there, melting into each others embrace, listening to your hearts beating for each other, breathing in the scent, drinking in the closeness, bathing in the comforting warmth of each other.

“David?” you asked softly after a while.

“Hmmm?” he hummed against your temple.

“Please don’t leave again?” It was a plea as much as it was a question and he involuntarily pulled you a little closer. He might have found shelter from the storm, but this didn’t mean that it had actually passed. He didn’t want to leave you again. Oh God, of course, he didn’t. If only he could hold you in his arms like this for the rest of his life.

“I’d be okay with that!” you smiled against his chest. He hadn’t even realized that he had said his last thought out loud. As he reluctantly relaxed his embrace to look at you, he found the same dreamy and soft look in your eyes that had warmed his heart on the morning after the first night you had spent in each others arms. He would have done anything to keep you gazing up at him like that, to keep any harm and pain as far away from you as possible. Yet all he seemed to be able to do was cause you pain and grief.

“I have hurt you so much…” he said quietly with his voice beginning to tremble again.

“No, you haven’t!” you answered with gentle conviction. “I meant what I said earlier. None of this was your fault. David, you are the only person in my life who has never ever hurt me.”

Your voice was so soft and tender. So devoid of any judgement of what he was or might become on a research company’s whim. You had never ignored that side of him, you had accepted it, because it was a part of him and yet you had decided that it didn’t define him and that he was so much more. And what did he have to offer you in return?

“You deserve so many things that I will never be able to give you…”

“David… David, there I nothing I need that you haven’t given me already!“

He wished he could believe you. The same way that you seemed to believe it. But all he could do was shake his head, bite his lip and squeeze his eyes shut as tears began to run down his cheeks again.

“Sweetie,” he heard you saying softly, “you don’t have to hide your tears. Not from me!” It was not like he did not know. He knew you would never judge him and that he would never have to hide a single feeling from you. But the concern and worry, the way how he found his own pain mirrored in your eyes, just tore him apart.

He began to roughly rub at his eyes with his palms, as if the motion could will his tears away. If he could only rub the pain from his own eyes, then maybe he could make it vanish from yours as well. His motions were about to become even more violent, when he felt your soft hands on his own as you carefully took hold of them to guide them away from his eyes and placed a gentle kiss on each of his hands. Not letting go of them, you caressed the back of his hands with the pads of your thumbs before slowly leaning forward and replacing every single tear with the love-filled sensation of your warm lips on his sensitive skin.

As he allowed himself to lean into your tenderness, his tears began to flow even more heavily. Never before in his life had he felt so vulnerable and at the same time taken care of so well. You carried his fragile heart in your hands. Its torn softness lay bare before you and the slightest absent-minded movement could cause irreparable damage. He had never meant to put this kind of burden on you. Yet you were so gentle, so careful, so patient, so understanding. Never pushing him and never ever asking for anything in return.

As you cradled the back of his head and gently guided him to come to rest against your chest again, he put his arms around you hugging you tight. His sobs subsided to the rhythm of your hands tenderly smoothing over his hair. Nobody had ever let him lean on them the way that you did. And he wished for nothing more than to be able to give you something in return. To be there for you the same way that you had been for him.

“You deserve someone who isn’t broken. Someone who can be strong for you!” His voice was barely above a whisper.

“Oh, Sweetie…” Hugging him even tighter, you placed a soft kiss on his temple before continuing, “Not being okay doesn’t make you any less strong or brave. It just makes you human!”

“But I should… I should have been the one taking care of you this time.”

“David, you have! You spent the last three years in exile to keep me safe!”

He had never phrased it like that. He had never told you that this was part of the deal he had had to agree to. Looking up again, he began to shake his head vigorously. “Nonono, please… please, don’t… don’t make it sound as if you should feel guilty, as if you owe me anything…”

“Oh, but I do,” you gently interrupted him, “I owe you so much. My life, for instance.”

Your eyes were so full of warmth and sincerity. And your unwavering trust in him. A trust so unshakable that it would be capable to wash away the doubts that he might have had in himself. But he had sworn to himself to never ever put you in danger again.

Closing his eyes for moment, he took a shaky breath.

“I promised to keep you safe.”

“And you did!” you answered without missing a beat.

“No, Angel, please! Please listen.” His voice took on a desperate tone. “You see, I can’t… I cannot guarantee… I have no idea what’s going to happen now that I am no longer taking my chems… what this is going to do to me and my body or my brain and…”

What kind of monster he might turn into. Even though he didn’t say it out loud, he caught the briefest flicker of pain in your eyes, before your gaze softened and you stated firmly, “Whatever is going to happen, I will be there with you!”

Despite the determination in your voice, the way you looked at him seemed to become even warmer than before. But what right did he have to claim that warmth of yours, no matter how freely you were offering it to him?

“I cannot ask that of you, my love!”

“You don’t have to!”

Your eyes began to glisten with tears while you obviously fought to keep your voice steady. “You don’t have to go through this alone!”

He tried to concentrate on the softness in your eyes which seemed to try to convince him that he wasn’t responsible for your tears. Yet despite their endless tenderness, they weren’t able to drown out the voices that kept screaming at him for making you cry.

“I just couldn’t … I couldn’t bear to see you hurt again,” he whispered weakly.

“Nothing could hurt me more than not spending my life beside you.”

He couldn’t help but begin to slowly shake his head. “I don’t deserve…”

“No, shhhh!” Cupping his cheek, you gently made him turn his face until he looked at you again.

“You deserve to be happy, David. You deserve to be loved.”

He wanted to believe you. So badly. “Angel, when… when you look at me like that, I can… I can almost believe it myself.”

“Hey…” Still holding his cheeks, you tenderly caressed them with your thumbs. “Hey. It’s okay if you aren’t there yet. Because wherever ’there’ might be, we can go there together.”

Smoothing the curls from his forehead, you left a soft kiss there, as if putting emphasis on your words, before resting your forehead against his and smiling, “Till the end of the road. And beyond.” And he knew that your warmth and fondness and care and tenderness would warm his heart and soul forever.

“You said you had hoped that I would find someone to be happy with, David. And I have found him!”

And finally, he allowed his mind to catch up with what his heart had known all along. Because this time he knew. He knew that he would never ever want to let you go again.