#percy de rolo is the only character ever actually

[andi-o-geyser]

His trauma hair and bitchy attitude have bewitched me body and soul

#me but also vex'ahlia #percy de rolo is the only character ever actually #funky little inventor makes a deal with a devil but also consider: hes a goofy nerd who wants to make gifts for his friends #critical role #cr1 #percy de rolo #perc'ahlia #tlovm #the legend of vox machina #vox machina #adding more of my personal favs who also fit this because i am nothing if not a hoarder of fucked up little men #jason todd #matt murdock #astarion #thank u i will now take my leave *moonwalks into oblivion* #andis thought geyser

[sapphicstacks]

You ever make a shitpost that turns into a full character meta? Anyways: Imogen’s relationship with Pâté De Rolo.

When Laudna first introduces Pâté to the group, Imogen tells Orym that she “never gets used to it.” At first it felt like, this is The Thing. Imogen had already shown that she was down for Laudna’s whole Laudna-ness but it seemed Pâté was the first time Imogen showed a little recognition that something was a little funky. Imogen is down for all of Laudna’s quirks, she doesn’t even bat an eyelash at most of them but Pâté is kind of the one thing Imogen is still tentative about. However, with the added context of later episodes, it seems that Imogen’s relationship to this horny dead rat with a bird skull is actually a reflection of Imogen’s respect for Laudna’s agency.

There’s a blink-and-you-miss-it way that Imogen shows her love to Laudna. You could notice it in small moments but it was hard to put into words until very recently when Laudna’s resurrection ritual made it glaringly obvious. Imogen deeply respects Laudna’s personhood and cares for her agency. Any part of Laudna that she has little to no control over, Imogen won’t be caught dead trepidatious or weirded out by— especially in front of Laudna.

The fact that, of all of Laudna’s Things, Pâté was the only one Imogen gives pause to is important because it’s explicitly not an intrinsic aspect of Laudna. Yes, Laudna created and is controlling him but it’s distinctly Not Laudna. It’s not her body or her spookiness or her ichor or anything else that she can’t control. Pâté is a something Laudna can fully control and that’s why it is okay for Imogen to be hesitant. Her trepidation only is allowed to exist because it doesn’t conflict with her respect for Laudna’s personhood.

And over the span of 30+ episodes, it doesn’t get better. Imogen giggles and engages with Pâté sure, but she is still hesitating, still acknowledging that it’s weird. When Laudna dies and the puppet that gave her pause is tied to Imogen’s belt without a second thought, Imogen protects that horny rat just as Laudna would for a week— its an act of service to Laudna but it doesn’t mean that Imogen doesn’t have hesitation. In fact, it’s still there when Laudna returns and tells Percy about Pâté.

But that changes the moment that Pâté comes to life. There is no more hesitation for Imogen, no side comments or grimaced looks about how weird Pâté is. One minute it is there and then it is gone with one casting of Find Familiar later. She treats the independent Pâté just as she treats Laudna: with a deep and full respect for his personhood.

Under the sun tree? While the entire group is showing even greater confusion about Pâté now that he isn’t puppeted by Laudna, Imogen is giggling and telling Laudna “it’s good, it’s good!”

Imogen doesn’t show any apprehension on her face when Pâté is doing an interpretive dance by the fire. Why? Because Pâté is suddenly an aspect of Laudna that is beyond Laudna’s control. Pâté’s weird comments and mannerisms are no longer active choices made by Laudna and therefore, Imogen’s previous trepidation is no longer allowed to exist. Imogen’s treatment of Pâté is a reflection of the subtle, yet deeply important, ways Imogen cares for Laudna.

It doesn’t really matter whether Imogen’s love for Laudna is platonic or romantic in these moments. Imogen shows Laudna that she deeply loves Laudna by proving with her actions that she deeply respects her personhood. Sure, it is definitely funny that Imogen shows it through her treatment of a horny dead rat with a cockney accent but its also so distinctly them. Those small, silly, almost throwaway moments that have so much more meaning baked in.

#to be honest i really made that as a shitpost with half a thought in my brain about it #but then y’all really wanted it and i actually had to write a meta #this could change and Imogen could be weirded out angina in the future but she’s not right now #and i think the premise still stands #Imogen loves all of Laudna and doesn’t shame her for anything out of her control #the one time she did it during their fight was like her biggest regret at the time #they love each other so well #gAHH #cr meta #critical role #cr3 #cr spoilers #critrole #bells hells #laudna #imodna #imogen temult #critical role spoilers #pate de rolo

[mintywolf]

eisfuura, bard and fighter?

(CR Asks)

Eisfuura: Who is your favorite NPC?

Appropriately enough (since this is a bird question) it’s Kiri!! She is one of my top favorite characters in the whole M9 campaign. I really hope we get to find out in C3 what she’s up to these days and I can’t wait to see her in the M9 animated series. (Also I’m glad we’ll get to see her goodbye to Jester animated because I can’t believe they parted ways with her while Laura wasn’t there! I understand why they did it, it would have been too dangerous for her where they were going, but I’m sad that Laura wasn’t there to RP Jester in that moment.)

Bard: What is your favorite “how do you want to do this?”

Ooh okay. I don’t know if it’s my favorite but the one most burned on my mind is Imogen lightning bolting Evil Sun Tree in Darkstone because that was the end of a MERCILESSLY INTENSE fight to determine whether my favorite character of all time was going to be allowed back in the game. And it was SUPER CLOSE, she was barely alive and only survived because she had to spend her last Mote of Possibility (which she was probably saving for Laudna’s resurrection ritual) to make Delilah reroll her last attack on her.

Also there was some really nice symbolism there because she opened the fight with the words “Delilah Briarwood, we’re gonna sunder you.” You know, like lightning does to a tree. And that was what she did in the end, with all the love and fury in her soul.

Fighter: What was your favorite funny moment?

Oh no there are too many individual moments to choose so this is more like “funniest running gag” even though most of the scenes involved with it are actually traumatic but is endlessly hilarious to me though how much of a ruckus Bells Hells cause whenever they go to Whitestone. Especially from Percy’s point of view. They barge into his office at 7am with a dead body demanding he bring it back to life, unwrap it to reveal what at first appears to be the corpse of his wife before he realizes that no it’s actually it’s the anonymous girl whose murder has been haunting her for 30 years why do they even have this?? also HOW is she somehow inhabited by the spirit of his worst nemesis? Against his protests they bring her back to life (?? this part is debatable) and she in turn immediately resurrects a dead rat which she insists is a long-lost relative of his, and then makes him hug a tree. They refuse his offers of hospitality but steal a bunch of linens from the castle and sleep outside in the main square. They leave. They come back and inform him they need to go to the moon. They break into a room in the castle that he has specifically sealed off and invoke the spirit of his worst nemesis IN HIS HOUSE. They destroy an armoire to make a sled and break all the castle windows with rocks. Before they leave for the moon one of them turns himself into a living bomb and detonates right underneath the thing that is the living heart of his city. Also, they picked a fight with a blameless crepe vendor in the street.

BH, why are you like this. (Don't ever change.)

Also something about the contrast between how Laudna is perceived by the de Rolos when she's dead -- she's this object of pathos, a symbol of the guilt and trauma of a horrible thing that happened 30 years ago that they feel both responsible for and a victim of, and can never fully atone for -- and when she's revived like oh she's not just a dead doll that looks like Vex there's a whole personality there and it's bonkers and delightful and she has a pet dead rat and friends who love her so much they crossed continents to bring her back to life -- is so good. (Not necessarily funny just really good.)

#reply #got a little off topic there as is my wont haha

[randoimago]

Hey! Could you do hcs with percy and vax with a crush that has a large family and alot of younger siblings?

Their Crush Having a Large Family

FANDOM: Critical Role

Character(s): Percy De Rolo, Vax’ildan

Type of Request: Headcanons

Note(s): You got it!!

Percy

There's a bittersweet feeling that Percy has. Seeing you with so many siblings, surrounded by so much love, well it brings a pain to Percy's chest due to memories. 

But he also feels full because he hopes that someday you could consider him part of your family too. 

Would try to see if any of your younger siblings fork up any information that'd help him gain brownie points with you (not that he'd ever admit that's what he's doing). But he has money and can make guns, what do these kids want? (he would never actually give the kids a gun, don’t worry)

With Percy’s noble training and skills in etiquette, he hopes that he can make a positive impression on your family. He has money, he can take care of you (but you’re also strong enough to take care of yourself) and he promises he’ll keep you safe.

Vax

Always wanted to have a younger sibling. Sure he has Vex, but he's never felt like an older brother in the sense of protecting someone obviously younger.

Would happily try teaching lockpicking to some of the kids so long as they promise to only do good (and not tell their parents).

Vax would absolutely suck up to your parents. Just helping out when he can. Honestly becoming like another son to them, which hopefully helps with getting you to like him back.

Seriously ends up loving all of your siblings and being whipped for them (absolutely let's any girls braid his hair or paint his fingernails). He hopes that one day you'll allow him to be part of your family.

#percy de rolo x reader #vax'ildan x reader #vax x reader #critical role x reader

[commander-winterberry]

:) hello i would like you to answer Every question from "accessories and accents" for percy 🤲

bling: What jewelry does your OC wear? Does it have any meaning?

Percy does not wear jewelry, mostly because it is a hazard in the lab and doesn’t offer him much practical use! The only thing close to jewelry is the useless monocle he wears… Useless because he wears it on his blind/glass eye (he has perfectly good sight and does not need any vision correction ASKFGH). He wears it solely to look more imposing. Most scholars have vision eyewear of some sorts… (He just never asked *why*)

hair: How does your OC wear their hair? Does it have some kind of meaning?

He keeps his hair in a semi root bun and his bark hair mostly out of his face. It grows at a very slow rate but he never needed to cut it! And as long as it doesn’t get into his way, he ignores it. (Also, there is no particular style he follows, that’s not important to him either)

makeup: Does your OC wear makeup? How often? What kind? Why do they wear makeup, and do they like it?

Percy: "Make up? Isn’t that what clowns wear?"

No, he is not even remotely interested in that.

favorite: Does your OC have a favorite article of clothing or accessory? What is it? What's the meaning behind it? Do they wear it all the time or do they wear it sparingly to keep it safe?

His scholarly outfit is *important* to him. To distinguish the professor from the students, to elevate his appearance and look more intellectual and most importantly: proper.

Though his clothes have to have these essential features: Be either in silver or (dark) blue hues, and be fire resistant. That’s why he keeps several articles of the same outfit.

change: Has your OC ever drastically changed their appearance? Significant haircuts, big tattoos, complete wardrobe swap, etc? Why? How do they feel about the change?

I have not thought much about it, but pre-kidnapping Inquest incident Percy looked less … burned. Maybe he even had actual leaves growing from his head instead of ashen bark. Less burn scars. Actually smiling instead of looking grumpy all the time.

But things happen and he is not one to mourn the loss of his former appearance when he lost more than that (his small group of students). 

alternate: What would your OC's alternate universe look be? If they're a fantasy character, what's their modern look? If they're sci-fi, what's their fantasy look? What AU would you want to see your OC in, and how would they dress themself? Bonus: Prompt an AU!

Ironically, Percy’s look (and namesake) is very much based on critical role’s Percival de Rolo, so he looked like him in human form but more scholarly than gunslinger vibes.

tyy dot!!!

#answered mail #percyvale mystmoon

[greenninjagal-blog]

Ok my friend. You keep posting an anime(?) character, and all I know about him is his name. So. I either need you to tell me about Percy, or tell me what show he's from. Or both :)

Skskksks Percy De Rolo, aka No Mercy Percy. Hes a character from the first campaign of Critical Role which is a Dungeons and Dragons Podcast that gained a lot of traction and eventually got its own tv show due to a huge kickstarter and now airs on Amazon Prime, which only has one season so far, with the second confirmed but no release date yet.

The story itself covers the "Legend of Vox Machina," (which is the name of the show) which is a group of six mercenaries who are down on their luck and agree to take on a (basically sucidical) quest for the kingdom in order to get money-- through which they get forcibly tossed into a whirlwind of adventures and chaos and earning its "mature adult" rating.

Percy is my favorite because he grew up a sophisticated noble's son, only to have all of his family murdered in front of him except for his little sister, gets betrayed by basically all the staff he trusted, gets tortured for information he doesnt have, and then in his frantic escape his last remaining sister dies and he gets swept out to sea barely alive.

As you can imagine this makes him slightly un-fucking-hinged and its GREAT. This man invents guns in order to kill the people who wronged his family.

((In the actual podcast, the actor who plays him has a knack for rolling natural 20s which is the best roll you can get at at critical moments and for delievering the coolest one liners ever and i just love him ok hes so cool and morally grey.))

There's more going on with him too, but thats a lot of spoilers so I'll cap it there (though the art I've reblocked recently is kinda filled with spoilers about that particular uh...deal). But i totally suggest that if you find the art interesting, give it a reblog and check out the show. It's so good filled with laughs and tender moments too. All the characters blend well together and everyone involved in making it really wanted to make it and you can feel that in the presentation of the show.

((Plus other voice actors like David Tenant, Stephine Beatriz, Grey DeLisle, and Dominic Monaghan are in it too which is so much fun to listen to))

#vox machina #percy de rolo #i love one unhinged mad man #and hes got a gun #greengabs #please watch the show #in any way you can #its so good

[ghostcaterwaul]

for the weirder asks: 1, 5, 18, 22 ^-^

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

I have so many. Lol. I’ll try not to make the list too long.

Kiara Carrera - Outer Banks

10k - Z Nation

Lindsay Weir - Freaks and Geeks

Jasper Heartwood - LA by Night

X - LA by Night

Percy De Rolo - Critical Role: Vox Machina/Legend of Vox Machina

Brigitte Fitzgerald - Ginger Snaps Trilogy

Mitch Kramer - Dazed and Confused

Arthur Stuart- Velvet Goldmine

Shilo Wallace - Repo! The Genetic Opera

Dawn Wiener - Welcome to the Dollhouse

Lux Lisbon - “The Virgin Suicides” by Jeffrey Eugenides

Ponyboy Curtis - “The Outsiders” by S.E Hinton

what color are your eyes?

Hazel

what hair products do you use?

As far as styling products? I can’t remember the name of it, but I know the hair wax I use isn’t sold anymore (and it’s out of my budget now anyways) and I finally ran out of it so I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I want big goth hair again. For hairspray I just use suave.

Shampoo/conditioner is Wen because even though it’s pricy, it’s only stuff that actually makes my hair look clean and doesn’t make it feel plastic-y and synthetic (my whole life, my hair has always felt/looked like greasy barbie doll hair and Wen is the only thing that doesn’t do that to it.)

Does hair dye count as hair products? If so, I almost always use Lunar Tides.

what type of person are you?

I’m not sure? I guess I’m generally a nice person. Too nice sometimes, but I do have a breaking point and it’s not pretty when I reach it. I infodump all the time IRL because I have no filter. I do that thing where I know the other person doesn’t give a shit about what I’m talking about but I can’t get myself to shut up and then they learn all about my current hyperfixation against their will. I’m a mess of a person, honestly. Multiple mental illnesses and chronic illnesses. My usual healthy coping skills stopped helping years ago, so I’ve been barely holding myself together ever since, tbh. So like, I don’t know, I’m generally a decent person until the symptoms start to show, then I’m an absolute nightmare to be around.

[shadow-fell]

Percy/Ashton is something i've wanted to write since they first interacted, they had such a fun dynamic.

was this something i was writing already before someone added it to the kinkmeme? perhaps.

Random commentary:

Percy de Rolo is an asshole and I love him so much; there's something so fun that it's always Taliesin who goes, yeah, no, this guy is an asshole while the rest try and defend him. Something so vindictive about Ashton being the voice of just. You suck! But this doesn't quite go into being actual hatesex.

Cause, look, on the one hand the fandom is objectively correct, Vex tops Percy, he's a very fun sub character, but he's also objectively a fun dominant. "well, some of us are switches". there's a way to read this where he's willing to dominate this stranger but submits to his wife, but I think it's more of the fact that he's matching Ashton's energy.

Most characters I write are more switchy, part because fandom never write switches and part because it lets the roles vary to suit the needs of the fic; Ashton, I think, is pure submissive. like, he tops, but he doesn't dom, because while he enjoys the acts, he's not as into the headspace, and he'd only ever do it because someone asked, not seeking it out.

I also just like Ashton falling to his knees / submitting unprompted. This has some inspiration from an Ashton/Eshteross fic, and in general the vibe of Ashton/Jiana Hexum, which I really should get around to writing for.

If this was in Ashton's POV, it would have the dubcon tag; not because Ashton's not consenting, or feels pressured, but because Ashton I think has some weird thoughts around consent, and what it means to offer informed consent. There's something ritualistic about it, but also, like, I do think Ashton was just pretty sure he could get this guy to beat him up.

Also, like, my favorite little bit is Percy fantasizing about gun kink but talking himself out of it. I do think, genuinely, it's a huge kink for Percy, partially for the danger and partially for the admiration of his craftsmanship. But also, like, Percy has trauma re: guns and the kind of person he doesn't want to become (*cough*ripley*cough*) that keeps him from being able to accept it as a kink. Ashton would've been into it. Ashton's from Bassuras, I think they've been around guns all their life.

#criticallynsfw #cr fic

[gilmores-glorious-blog]

more of my vox machina bullshit, reaction to the last three episodes edition:

- percy and scanlan’s friendship is my favorite thing (the two of them + vax are my comfort trio of dumbasses),, i loved scanlan pulling percy aside to be like “i love you but you’re fucked up” because.. so true of him <3 also when scanlan tried to flirt with cassandra and percy just immediately went “NO.”,,, idk i just have a besties agenda

- grog is actually an icon and my hero and i love him. king of skinny dipping in acid <3 (his friendship with pike is!! actually the cutest fucking thing ever!!!!!!! they mean everything to me!!!!) but why is his dick named captain winky

- i let out a genuine screech of horror when cassandra’s name appeared on the gun,, like i figured that she was working for the briarwoods but it still HURT (and percy’s reaction was so sad <3 when he just crumpled to the ground and started sobbing i,, 🥺😭😭)

- these last two episodes were rough…… my loves were really going through it,,, what with keyleth fucking dying and scanlan losing his voice which for him is probably literal hell and vex having to fight her brother and percy. y’know. HAVING A FUCKING DEMON INSIDE OF HIM.

- okay but vex being so upset about keyleth when she got wounded/was dying is something that can be so personal……….. like,, she’s always been a bit cold to keyleth because of abandonment issues or whatever but she was so anguished when she thought keyleth was going to die!!! 🥺🥺🥺😭 sapphic behavior

- scanlan using the same spell to silence delilah that she used on him and imitating her little “shhh” is,,,,,,,,,, very hot ngl,,,

- why do i feel kinda bad for the briarwoods though :/ this is why villains shouldn’t be sexy,, it makes me sympathize with them 😩😩

- vax calling scanlan by his last name is so important to me actually <3

- actually vax’s nicknames for everyone are just,, 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 so precious 🥺🥺🥺 as well as scanlan calling keyleth “green” :,)

- god there was so much twin angst :,(… possessed!vax fighting vex who just wanted her brother back,, vax being worried about vex when she was fighting orthax!percy,,, they are everything to me…….

- okay…………. it’s time we talk about mr. percy de rolo…. because HOLY FUCKING SHIT. first of all, demon!percy had no goddamn right to be as hot as he was. like,, jesus fucking christ 👀…. but also my GOD the trauma on that boy!! he was already so fucked up he didn’t need to have the freaking demon inside of him make him hurt/try to murder his new family while making him internally relieve his trauma by showing him his old family getting murdered again— and the whole battle was just so intense,, when he pointed the gun at himself i simply wanted to sob,,,, and the fact that the only way he finally got orthax out of him was by shooting his own hand out??!!!!? someone get this bitch some fucking therapy, p l e a s e. or just let me tenderly hold him.

- AHSKRJTHDAKTKTHDHAJTK EXPLICITLY CANON QUEER SCANLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m legit. So Happy about this. like i knew that he and most of the other characters were at least implied queer in the campaign, but i thought the only thing they’d have in the show was vax being bi and i was just,, so excited that they decided to make it undeniably clear that scanlan is into guys !!

- speaking of the queer guys in this show… we knew that vax and gilmore had a thing, but like,, that last scene with the two of them,,,,, oh they FUCKED fucked. (good for them 😌)

- percy’s so nice and sweet and cute and carefree without orthax :,) he was smiling 🥺 and he was being genuinely kind to scanlan too which made me very happy because,, more people should do that actually

- @ these fucking dragon bitches: this is why we can’t have nice things.

sooooo yeah,, i’m in deep, and i would like season two to be here immediately please !!

#it is two in the morning and i have an audition tomorrow AND i leave for a trip tomorrow. am i prepared for those two important things?? #absolutely not i’ve been thinking about nothing but this show literally all day. #i’m. obsessed. #the legend of vox machina #tlovm #tlovm spoilers #critical role #eli.posts

[andi-o-geyser]

*record scratch*

Yup, that’s me, watching my future wife fall to the ground dead from a trap I set off. I bet you’re wondering how I got into this situation. Well, my life’s a little crazy, but it all began when my family was murdered in a political coup and I made a pact to create the first gun with a smoke demon...

#poor guy cannot catch a break #percy de rolo is the only character ever actually #fucked up nerdy preppy angsty white haired anime gun boy with a secret soft side who makes clockwork presents for his friends? #literally nobody is doing it like him #you go gunslinger; get that trauma! #try to make up for your curse and atone for your sins but fuck everything up anyways! go crazy have a mental breakdown!! #decide to say ''fuck it'' and insult your love intrest's father to his face in such a savage verbal dressing down he'll never recover! #i support him in all his endeavours and hes never done anything bad actually #critical role #percy de rolo #percival de rolo #including his full name for kicks #percival fredrickstein von musel klossowski de rolo iii #tlovm #tlovm spoilers #cr1 #critical role spoilers #the legend of vox machina #legend of vox machina #lovm #tlovm season 2 #tlovm s2 #vox machina #perc'ahlia #andis thought geyser

[maxbegone]

TK Strand, Grief, and its relatability

TW: grief, death of a parent, addiction.

Full disclosure – this essay stems from self-indulgence and personal experience as a way of processing my own grief on what is almost the one year anniversary of the death of my own father.

As it turns out, my way of looking at characters changes throughout major life events, this being one of them. For instance, I continuously say I owe Neil Druckmann some credit for the way in which I now interpret characters all because of the winter chapter in The Last of Us. It completely turned my viewpoints on their head and said, “Hey, this is how characters are supposed to be depicted.”

I could talk ad nauseam about TK and the way Ronen has portrayed this character’s grief, so in true fashion, I’ve decided to write an essay about it.

This is not the first character whose grief I’ve analyzed. Not to mention, grief is not equivalent to death – you can grieve the distancing of relationships, the choices you made, the things you had to let go. Percy de Rolo of Critical Role showed his grief in the last minutes of the first campaign (you can read the lynchpin post here), and just a few months ago I started working on a draft about his process of grieving. But that’s neither here nor there, and it’s currently collecting dust in my WIP folder until I have the time to really sit down and mull through it.

Not the point – the point is, TK lost his mother suddenly, unexpectedly, and way too soon. It was a shot to the chest that I understand all too well.

When 3.08 begins, there is this immediate numbness when we see in TK present-day and it just about jumps off the screen. As someone who has (very recently) been through this, I felt that deep, deep in my bones. And I say numb because that’s what it truly is. He’s disconnected from reality, it takes Owen several tries to actually get his attention, he can’t even sit up straight. It’s too heavy. If we were to read his mind, I can almost guarantee we’d see him replaying the call over and over again, asking the questions of how and why until the words bleed and sound foreign. There’s no true explanation, there just is.

Grief is severe. Grief holds an immediacy that knocks you over like a wave and holds you down beneath its force. Your entire body feels heavy, there’s a loss of sensation, your awareness is stilted…and sometimes your past coping mechanisms spring up again. We watch TK go to the firehouse, open the narcotics safe in the rig and come dangerously close to taking fentanyl. Grief makes you do things that you might later regret, but in the moment there is no “is this right or is this wrong,” only action.

It makes you snap and act out in ways you never expect, it tears the kindest, gentlest person in half and shows all the pain they’re harboring. So, as a note: be gentle with those who are grieving. It doesn’t last a few days, it doesn’t last a few months – it can go on for years. It is not linear. So if someone is grieving is unkind to you, be careful with how you respond. I’ve witnessed many people drop those who are grieving just because they got “nasty” or are “no longer the person they knew” so closely following the death of a loved one.

In my blunt opinion: un-fucking-fair. But I digress.

I know we’ve all said we cried over Dobby’s death, but for me it was Gwyn’s that resonated and hit home for the first time ever. I have never, not once, been so heavily affected by the death of a character. I loved Gwyn from the start, and I think most of us did. She’s this beautiful, smart, wonderful powerhouse of a woman who loves her sons so much. She’d do anything for them – and she did on multiple occasions, which we come to witness in 3.09.

Now bear with me for a moment, because this might be hard to explain. But hearing TK say, “She’s dead” repeated over and over in my head sent me through a shockwave. It made me (and still makes me) stop in my tracks and say, “Oh, she’s really gone. She’s not in this world anymore, he can never see her again or have another conversation with her. She no longer exists.” This right here is the same feeling I have about my dad daily; he’s not here, he no longer exists, and there are days I still cannot grapple with that fact. The only other way I can describe it are those surreal instances where you remember what your name is or that this right here is your life, and it’s like you’ve rebooted for a second.

And hey, maybe that doesn’t make a lot of sense. But this is the best way I can articulate it at the moment.

Watching 3.08 for the first time and then every rewatch that followed shows me the relatability of TK’s grief. Everything he feels, I feel. Everything he questions, I question. And yes, the two episodes that followed showed less and less of TK’s handling of his grief, but that does not by any means give way to the fact that we as the audience and TK as the character are moving on. I reiterate: grief is not linear. The order of the stages someone goes through does not matter, and that person might not hit every beat. This isn’t a race and there isn’t a prize. There are no winners here. We know this isn’t the last we’ll see of TK and his relationship with Gwyn because it was an important one and will remain as such. The fact that he is getting up every day, doing something, going to work and working through his grief is progress. Fictional or not, it’s important to remember this.

I already loved TK Strand as a character from the get-go (hell, it’s nearly impossible not to), but this…familiarity of a situation brought me to love him even more. Every single rewatch of 3.09 has me dissolving into tears (and I have done a lot of rewatches at this point), and I know I’m not the only one. The second Amen by Amber Run comes on during that landing sequence, I’m gasping for air and near-sobbing as I think about my dad. It’s cathartic to say the least, and maybe to some it might seem like I’m torturing myself, but I find comfort in stories like these.

He is this incredibly layered character who loves with his whole heart despite the fear that it might get crushed, panics when things seem too good, and experiences a loss so earth-shattering it nearly sends him spiraling down a path he hasn’t touched in over two years. It’s a real, raw, and brilliant portrayal of being human and trying to cope. Because Gwyn’s death wasn’t due to an illness or a some sort of mystery, but rather an accident involving something that might seem so mundane to people outside of metropolitan areas – especially those who live outside of New York. A man on a delivery bike going too fast, and not seeing her in time.

Like I said earlier, I can’t fully explain the feeling, but going back and watching episodes featuring Gwyn make me appreciate her so much more. She’s more than a character on a procedural drama that airs every Monday, but someone who I miss in such an intense way it shouldn’t make sense. And yet, given my own personal circumstances and this…crazy connection to the situation, it does.

TK isn’t the only one who’s grieving; Owen is, too. In 3.09 – through talking to a macaw of all things – he voices his own questions. Questions in which I have asked about my own father as well: did she have time to think, did she see it coming, was she scared or was it immediate? Did she blink and “there was heaven,” or just…nothing?

This topic of “what happens after” is one I can’t get too deeply into without falling into a genuine existential spiral, though it’s a question I can’t seem to shake. I have a lot of things to say about the matter of death, but in the end, the long and short of it is that it scares the hell out of me.

Watching Owen, watching TK, it’s like my own subconscious has been removed and put on the screen for me to witness. It’s interesting, to say the very least.

On the ride to the airport, TK says, “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to go [to Gwyn’s funeral].” And let’s be honest here – who does? It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in your life, but it’s also part of (and terrifyingly) the inevitable. “It’s life, it’s what people do. They go to funerals,” Owen tells him.

Recently, I’ve written two fics involving a heavy introspection of TK’s grief; one having to do with sense memory and timeliness (on how long the physical remnants of Gwyn will last before they fade), and the other involving the prospect of death itself. But to spend a moment on the former, it’s an excruciating thing. Scents do fade and eventually the last physicalities you were able to cling to of a loved one are gone. Their cologne or perfume might help a little bit, but it’s nothing compared to them. Because despite sleeping with the last hoodie or sweater they wore, it’s not going to be the hug you need most. It’s supplemental, not a cure.

It helps, however. It always helps.

Throughout the rest of the season, whether or not the episode is TK heavy or not, we’re going to see him deal with his grief. There’s just no doubt about it. And I personally hope we continue to see it as the show continues, because nearly a year to the date after the start of my own, I’m still finding ways that grief surprises me every day, both good and bad.

You know how they say we all have our comfort characters? I have a few. TK is the newest member of my list for a very real, very raw reason. This depiction of grief isn’t one that will go away slowly, because like in reality it just doesn’t. There isn’t any drama surrounding it, no one is seeking revenge. It’s just monotony and mundane things because, whether we like it or not, life carries on and we have to make the decision to follow suit. The world is going to keep spinning even if we’re laying under three layers of blankets in a dark room or trying to vehemently ignore the inevitable.

Grief keeps you on your toes, but it also holds you down, giving you a kind of fatigue you never thought possible. It’s not as surprising as you might think. Finding the rungs of the ladder that will help you climb out of it are just as important as allowing yourself to mull in the feeling. It’s healthy. I don’t care what anyone says.

You cannot ignore your grief, no matter how hard you try or what you scrounge for to numb the pain. It’s there like a shadow, with the opportunity to make it your friend. You just have to figure out how.

TK’s grief is so utterly compelling, so raw, that his story is going to stick with me for a long, long time.

As I said, it hits home; the sudden loss of a parent far too soon, grappling with the reasoning for it all, and learning what it means to move on without them. Because at times it just doesn’t seem real. It just feels like you’ve somehow skipped over to a parallel universe and that this is all a joke or a dream that you can’t wait to get up from. That person you knew so well, loved so deeply isn’t around to answer the questions you have or give you the advice you need. You’re still waiting for them to come home or call and ask about your day, but it won’t happen. The truth of the matter is that you’ll always need them and they’ll always be there in ways other than physical.

This portion of this story has been a sincere comfort that I can only put into so many words. To lose a parent so suddenly is like having the ground crumble beneath you. To grieve is natural, normal. But it doesn’t always follow preparation.

I’m grateful for this transparency of a character, this relatability, because although I know I would have gone on just fine without it, it’s helping me during an anniversary. After three hundred and sixty-five days of newness, of uncertainty, I’m somehow still fucking standing. Character or not, if TK can do it, I can, too.

#* #911 lone star #911 ls #tw grief #cw grief #tk strand #gwyneth morgan #owen strand #character essay #my post #this is immensely personal but I wanted to put it out there and share it

[nochiquinn]

campaign 1 episode 24 REDUX: The Feast OR here we go here we go here we go here we go again

(idk if I’m gonna make it all the way back through the briarwoods but I’M GONNA TRY and liveblogging helps me remember things so)

"nochi you already did this for these episodes" shut UP I have HINDSIGHT NOW

(edit: apparently my very first liveblog was actually for episode 25, go figure)

and also subtitles

so weird to not hear WEPLAYDUNGEONSANDDRAGOOOOOONS

"this is our 24th episode, which is RIDICULOUS" oh honey

UGH they're all BABIES

"Ashley's show Blindspot is premiering this coming Monday" my archnemesis

ugh, onion man

I'm skipping through the announcements and therefore have no context for this

twitch layout showing the chat, my behated

I forgot this was only FIVE YEARS after the briarwoods killed everybody

"do you want them dead?" "...I think so."

travis reacting to how absolutely metal percy's List is

man last time I watched this I had an old TV for a monitor and had to flip between youtube and photoshop. now I have two monitors, yt fullscreened on one, notepad up on the other, and am doing art on my ipad. time marches on.

my only regret is that the cross-talk isn't captioned, that's the part I always want to hear

percy is what, 22 here? so all of this happened when he was 17?? baby

"you don't have to get involved in this" "yeah we do, you said you wanted them dead"

percy: don't get involved in my issues vox machina: you said murder, we're in

"you're stealing from a crying man"

the earrings!!

much easier to skip past onion man seeing as how he never wants to stay (or cooperate with) the group

gilmore!!

"excited to trade news with gilmore" is news a euphemism (yes)

"I just want to send the lizard to dwarf town" is THAT a euphemism

BABY ERIKA

the fact that the subs just say [break]

ngl I kind of miss when they had the wide camera on the room during break, I liked seeing everyone trickle back in for some reason

also this

BEARD CHECK

the moment I learned matt has a bird

"no testicle advantage on that roll"

"at what point would a testicle advantage come into play?" "at gilmore's"

the birth of jenga!!

"you just broke a mechanical pencil!!" my absolute favorite moment that will never be animated

this is just his face for ten minutes

"high rolls startle him"

I want marisha and taliesin next to each other again in campaign 3 tbh

and thus I would call asami's gauntlet diplomacy forever

lmao marisha drinking a&w back before they needed to block out brand names

"you're immune to water now"

grog: "don't die" vax: "no promises" cries about it

the anxiety when matt starts over-describing an npc

"I can sense you, you dick"

method acting

sylas: "we do what we can in honor of the de rolo family" percy: [deep inhale]

vax just yeeting himself into the briarwoods' room

"how you doing, taliesin?"

"you're making it so much worse than I ever imagined"

"how am I gonna play my second character unless I die now?" cries about it

fff when they used to read out donors at the end of the episodes. BABIES.

#critical role #campaign 1 rewatch #reaction post #crititag

[your-turn-to-role]

since im thinking about this meta again i wanna talk about percy and faith

bc like... by the end of campaign one he's very much fuck the gods, but he wasn't always. (and honestly in several ways he kinda parallels vax but in reverse which is, very fun to talk about, we'll get there)

but like... percy was raised with at least some amount of religious influence. the de rolos may not have been devout worshippers of any particular god, but the town at least mostly worshipped pelor or erathis, pelor's symbol is on the de rolo crest, along with the sun tree, a gift of pelor's, and while we never met him because the briarwoods killed him, the first person percy tried to go to for help in whitestone was father reynal of the church of pelor

(anyone else grow up like me in a christian town and your parents aren't really christian but they sort of feel guilty bc their parents were so you end up going to sunday school every week but your entire perception of it is "here's the place where we get cookies and sing songs" and you know the bible back to front but absorb very little of the actual beliefs? i imagine it's kinda like that)

(but also percy has the added benefit of knowing gods are definitely real in this world whereas my autistic ass was like oh huh these sure are some cool stories!)

anyway, i don't think he strongly believed in anyone as a kid, but he knew they were there, and felt fairly positively about them.

until things went wrong. and things didn't necessarily go wrong where you think they would - percy losing his whole family wasn't enough to make him lose faith, if anything it made it stronger. i'm really intrigued by his one line back in episode 24 when explaining his backstory to everyone - "When I got thrown into that dungeon, I came to the realization that maybe I wasn’t doing this the right way. I wasn’t being responsible, and I prayed to whatever it is I pray to that maybe I would have a sign of what I should be doing, and then there you were."

he's not someone who innately rejects faith. he's too paranoid to ever rely on something so uncertain as gods, he doesn't rely on anyone but himself, but he's willing to hope. in fact, all on his own, long before the briarwood arc, he went down the revenge path, realised it was a mistake, and for what might have been the first time in his life, asked for help. and when vox machina showed up, he trusted that they were who the gods led him to

and then orthax happened, and the realisation that voices in percy's head could be a very very bad thing was just enough to put a crack in that belief.

(which is then furthered by his belief that he is the problem in the world, especially when vex died. how could fate ever be on his side if the tiniest of accidents leads to a disaster like that? three people came out of that tomb changed for good, not just the twins)

episode 57, episode 57 is my favourite for so many reasons, so much happens in that episode. but we'll focus specifically on the visits to the raven queen, because it's one of the best parallels, and really cements the two of their character arcs and where they're going.

vax comes here out of desperation. he's here because of a deal he made after his only family died, and he doesn't know what to expect, but he'll do anything to keep vex from getting hurt. but he's here on the raven queen's command, he comes here during the day, with friends, and the temple's there to greet him. while the experience spooks him, it's overall a positive one.

percy comes here out of desperation. he's here because of a deal he made after his whole family died, and deep down he knows it's too late, but he'll do anything to keep even a single other person from getting hurt because of him. percy shows up at night, alone, and the entire scene feels like something lifted out of a horror movie.

they're both lost and looking for guidance. both have a tendency to turn towards gods for that. but the difference is what vax hears is what he needed to, it reaffirms his position in the world that was on very shaky ground for a while there, and he feels like he has a direction after it.

percy... technically has a direction too, but it's an entirely negative one. i elaborate on this a bit more here, but what he's looking for is any chance that his mistakes might be fixable, any hope of his own redeemability. and the answer he hears tells him no. and in that instant, any faith he had left in gods entirely shatters. he'll respect the faith of vax and pike, to an extent, but this is the moment he really joins keyleth on the "fuck the gods" team, because this is the moment he realises asking for help is useless, he has to solve his problems himself

(and honestly i constantly question the raven queen's motives on that one, because it was absolutely not what he needed to hear emotionally, it sent him back down a very dangerous spiral, but at the same time, all that hopelessness is what actually got percy to start fixing things about his life, because at that point nothing could get worse, so why not try? and her being the goddess of fate had to be able to predict at least some of that. i don't know if i agree with her or not)

i love that vex is the person to get the blessing of pelor. because it represents her being welcomed into the de rolo family, yes, and her connection to all that represents, but also like... if there's one person percy put his faith in after he gave up on gods, it's vex. her confession was the one thing that could convince him to come back when he died. i think about lines like "i'm angry, frustrated, and violent, so i'm going to sit here and drink chocolate milk and do whatever you think is best" or their wedding vows or percy in front of pelor (god of his city and his family and everything that matters to him) declaring that vex is his heart and his judgement and his future

and i think about that scene in the final episode. where percy almost turns to higher powers again, but the absolute darkest of them, because the goddess he hates the most, who's taken family member after family member from him just stole another, and he's desperate enough to burn the world all over again to get vax back. but he doesn't, because vex is there, and it's only then, after everything, years of bargains and deals and gods and devils and backup plan after backup plan none of which mattered in the end, does he finally acknowledge he might not have to do all of this alone

#i just really love percy and vex you guys #i should write more meta about them that's vex centric i've been feeling like the scales are a little percy heavy lately #but this is a point i definitely wanted to make #cr1 #percy de rolo #vax'ildan #vex'ahlia #text #meta #cr thoughts

[hurlumerlu]

1, 2, 8, 10, 14 and 18?

1. If you could hit any character without repercussions, who would it be ?

I mean we’ve talked recently about the fact that hating John Winchester is a way of life, and he’s definitely on that list, but I would like to direct you to this post because like... I have never viscerally hated a character as much as I’ve hated Warren Kepler when he first appeared on Wolf 359. I had to pause in the middle of episodes because I was so tense every time he opened his mouth. I wanted to punch him so bad ! The mortifying thing is that I really love him now (not that he wasn’t the worst right til the end) and am sadly a Kepcobi shipper, but I still remember that feeling of wanting to reach into the story to wipe that smug smile of his voice and if I was given the opportunity I would probably take it. Get rekt binch.

2. What fandoms were you apart of that you aren’t any longer ?

I’ve only started to interract with fandoms pretty recently (though I’ve been a long time lurker) but I’d say the only piece of media I’ve really completely stopped interracting with in any way was Attack On Titans because (and this is embarrassing) while I had picked up on the fascist elements (it’s hard not to) I had managed to convince myself that the author was trying to make us distrust the military on purpose and that there would be a big arc where the child soldiers would have to go against their superiors and the government to like. bring democracy or whatever. And then the actual arc was that the government wasn’t militaristic enough and the child soldiers went “what we need is a warrior queen” and that’s when I realized I was a naive dumbass and decided to drop that manga and never mention my utterly shameful lack of reading comprehension to anyone, ever. (i’m doing a great job with that).

8. Do you prefer happy, bittersweet, or sad endings ?

I dunno... Mostly I want an ending that fits the story (though multiple endings can fit one single story) ! And I’m not always in the mood for the same thing. But I do have a thing for the bittersweet, loss and joy together and an ending that isn’t wrapped up too neately.

10. Characters that deserved worse? >:]

I like that question because I’m not sure what it means. Is it that they deserved worse because I hate them, or because they did bad things, or is it that I think that a worse fate would have made more sense for their character and been more narratively satisfying ? If it’s the last option I think Eiffel should have died. I love him, but his actual ending always felt a bit like a cop-out to me. Then, if you’ll allow me a short Critical Role intermission, I think that Percy de Rolo deserved way worse than he got and that he’s a real Karma Houdini, but I’m happy about it because I love him a lot and wanted him to have his happy ending, and I think that Scanlan Shorthalt also deserved worse in term of Karma but I’m also glad he didn’t get it because even though I struggled with that character I do wish him the best. [end of the Critical Role intermission] (also Guy of Gisborne deserved to never ever be taken seriously ever but it’s okay ! because season three doesn’t exist !)

14 Name a fandom, ship, or character that you love that others would send you hate mail for liking.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha so. shipping Nathan Jackson and Ezra Standish from the Magnificent Seven TV Show is the surefire way to anger everyone, because all the racist fans are like “how could you ship poor wittle Ezra with someone who is so MEAN to him and ANGRY all the time” and the other fans will (rightly) point out that shipping a black man with an ex-Confederate soldier who spent the entire first episode being a racist dick to him is, as we say, problematic. But no one watch The Magnificent Seven anymore so I’m safe ! (but going on old fan websites for this show is... scarring)

18 Characters you want to wrap in a blanket and tell them they’re going to be okay ?

So many of them ! It’s hard to chose. I’m going to go with Mei Chang Su from Nirvana In Fire because he’s sick, and his ye olde fantasy china mansion is badly heated, and he’s been through a lot already, and he’s always like “I must be heartless and unfeeling and litteraly make myslef sicker rather than admit i have emotions” and I just want him to like. Take it easy for a day and go cuddle with his official girlfriend and his two to three non-official boyfriends. Also Thomas Barrow, despite having seen very little of that show, and Parker because I love her and she deserves all the affection, and litteraly so many other characters. Blankets for everyone.

Thank you :D

#ask game

[utilitycaster]

Your fav character from each class in all the actual plays you’ve watched?

THE BEST QUESTION (if hard). I’m only counting regular PCs here; see the end for some guest/NPC/one-shot mentions. As you can see I love basically all characters but I do have my favorites.

Barbarian: there is a high potential, now that Ashley is back for good, that Yasha will win this next year but for now Gorgug and his sweet awkwardness and confused attempts to find his dad wins. (some other good barbarians: Grog, Beryl from Relics and Rarities who was a. kind of a stoner and b. an absolute delight and c. a cool depiction of path of the ancestral guardian, and Sir Fitzroy Maplecourt, sweet crepe loving failure)

Bard: I love Fig, but I have to go Scanlan. You know that art piece of the Vecna battle that’s overlaid with the All Work No Play “what would the worst character be” line? Yeah. From “I’m snoring after having sex” to “I was saving it for Vax”. You just can’t beat that. (some other good bards: Annabella from Relics and Rarities, Misty from Dimension 20)

Cleric: this is probably the hardest category (shout out to a lot of clerics. Jester, Kingston, and Kristen are tied for second place) but I think I have to go with Caduceus. I love how much he sees of everyone else and how little we know of him. I love how not-so-secretly judgemental he is. I love his bone flute. I love that he’s quietly trying to save his dying home, and perhaps find family that might be dead. Someone hug him for me. (I would like to recognize Pike and Merle of course, as well as Efink Murderdeath here, and while I’m only 7 episodes in I think Zolf is already my favorite of RQG. )

Druid: Keyleth. I feel like TAZ is at a disadvantage because they’re so early on in Graduation, but also I love the Firbolg but I am not sure a druid will ever surpass Keyleth, with all her messy awkwardness and genuine desire to do good at any cost. (shout out to Ricky Huckster for being a really unique take on the druid, Lillith from Escape from the Bloodkeep for being a great wine mom, and to Kugrash who is currently ripping my heart out)

Fighter: I’m surprising myself here but the recent developments with Fabian Seacaster have put him in the forefront, I think because his story is still ongoing and because I’m a sucker for an arrogant jock suddenly confronting mortality and failure. I do still love Percival De Rolo a lot though. (shout out to Magnus Burnsides who is good at everything, and Veros the O.G. Himbo from Relics and Rarities)

Monk: Beau. This is another case of like, I love Sofia Bicicleta too, but Marisha Ray has some kind of genius for playing female characters that really tap into like, things that many women I think feel but don’t know how to express (at least, I, a woman, feel these things and don’t know how to express them). Beau is such a complicated abrasive character who feels things deeply, and who has genuinely tried and succeeded in changing. She’s so dynamic and wonderful and I love her to bits.

Paladin: Vax. I wrote a whole piece about my experience of listening to CR campaign 1 episode 57 that I never published or posted. I think there’s something deeply profound and beautiful about sticking to an oath that you didn’t ever think you’d choose, and to a promise you fell into. (also, spoilers but Fjord’s going to be my choice for Warlock so I cover that there even though one of my favorite things about him is his switch to Paladin). (shout out, of course, to Ricky Matsui)

Ranger: Vex. Due to some valid and some invalid complaints about the ranger class few people play it, which is a shame because the revised ranger options are pretty great (Horizon Walker is amazing, I say as an admitted fan of weird planar shit) and because like, Aragorn was my favorite LOTR character. But yeah, everything I’ve said about Keyleth and Beau applies to Vex, the D&D character I think I relate most to despite my irl stats not matching hers at all (I do not have 17 Charisma). The imposter syndrome, the need to appear that everything is under control, the sibling loyalty, the stubbornness, the quiet leadership - it’s all so perfect and so unique and I love her very much. (Sokhbarr was a fun take though)

Rogue: put Vax as Paladin so I could nominate Riz as my favorite rogue (and again, I love Nott and enjoy what I’ve seen of Argo, and to be fair, Sasha seems very good as well) but I think the inquisitive subclass is so cool and Riz has such a wonderful arc. Also, goblin with gun is great but goblin high schooler with gun is straight up genius.

Sorcerer: a very rare class, tbh, with Pete getting it by default. He is indeed a fascinating character though, and tying his sorcery into the mythology of the world is a pretty brilliant DM move. (I also am very into Hamid thus far, not in the least because I love halflings)

Warlock: Fjord. I liked Fjord from the start, and even when he was being an ass during the pirate arc found him relatable. I think it might be my background as a bard player that makes me love this disaster who survived for years on just a high constitution and being really good at talking and playing roles; I also love someone who isn’t the greatest leader but falls into it, and someone with control issues working through it (see also: Vex, Percy) And finally, I don’t know if Travis was telling the truth about him being lawful good but he genuinely does want to make things better for people and he takes responsibility very seriously. (obviously, I also really liked Leland, and while I think of both Fig and Sofia as primarily of their main classes of bard and monk, they are cool as warlocks. I get why Emily Axford keeps gunning for Hexblade).

Wizard: Caleb. Given all the other sources of magic it’s always fascinating to see why someone becomes a wizard specifically, and I also like how complex Caleb is - not just the trauma, though that’s part, but the humor and the versatility. (Adaine was a close runner-up though, and Taako was my favorite of THB but is a little too goofy to be a favorite).

Artificer: I mean, obviously Tary.

NPCs and guests, with less commentary:

Barbarian: gonna go with Lionel the True Polymorphed Duck here.

Bard: Hazel Copperpot, she of the 1930s radio accent

Cleric: again very difficult, but then again, not so difficult. Lieve’tel was great.

Druid: Nila, the sweet and calming presence in our hour of need.

Fighter: oh god I don’t know if I can choose between Keg, bisexual dwarven disaster, and Brian David Gilbert’s Hargis, awkward goliath theater kid.

Monk: Ferriwen Breeze, who I do hope shows up again because she was my favorite Darrington Brigade character and I really love Genasi; also Expositor Dairon, natch.

Paladin: few people play paladins as guests which is weird. I do like Kerrek, and I do like Arkhan, but like, Kima, clearly.

Ranger: Sandralynn Faeth, hands down. A wonderful NPC.

Rogue:  I do love Cathilda, and I do love Twiggy, but I laughed about the Owlbear for the entire Darrington Brigade one shot.

Sorcerer: I mean...it has to be Gilmore, right? Calianna is great but no one can beat Gilmore.

Warlock: Zahra, who also, incidentally, is the only non-Hexblade Warlock who’s shown up. I mean hexblade is objectively amazing but Zahra is too.

Wizard: there have been many wizard NPCs across games and it was a very difficult choice but who else is graceful, unendingly kind and patient, and reliable in all situations? Allura Vyesoren is the wizard you wish your wizard could be. Yussa and Essek and Lup and Arthur Aguefort and Barry and Lyra and Ranier and far more wizard NPCs and guests are all wonderful in their own ways but like, did you think you could come for Matt Mercer’s self insert? you could not.

.

#d&d #critical role #relics and rarities #dimension 20 #TAZ #Anonymous

[c-is-for-circinate]

acelania replied to your post: Current mood: Drunk alone on a friday night full...

Are you willing to share these emotions?

HE DOESN’T GET A REDEMPTION ARC!!!!

HE’S UNREDEEMABLE!!!!!!!!!

look there is a reason that several months of Opinions about Percy de Rolo and then also Crowley sent me back into the arms of Fullmetal Alchemist and it’s because the deuteragonist of the entire story is an unforgivable mass murderer, agent of genocide

(and he’s so sorry, he hates himself for it so much, but regret will never change the past, and history is painted red by good men who were just following orders, and, look, maybe Roy could be forgiven someday but there is nobody left alive to forgive him because he killed them all, combatants and civilians and infants in their mothers’ arms, and he knows, and he knows, and he knew it when he did it)

and he cares so much

and he wants so many good things for the world

and he is working so hard to make those good things happen

and literally none of that effort qualifies as a redemption arc, because there is no redemption to be had.  And I love that so much because:

1) ALL REDEMPTION ARCS ARE INHERENTLY SELFISH BULLSHIT

2)  REDEMPTION IS NEITHER A PREREQUISITE FOR HELPING OTHER PEOPLE, NOR INDEED FOR FINDING HAPPINESS THAT DOESN’T INJURE OTHERS IN ITS PATH

(look, they raised me Catholic, okay, forgiveness is all, forgiveness from god that comes from repentance and personal suffering, but my mom was never sorry for hurting us because she never meant to do it in the first place and all the sorries and sadnesses in the world never helped a single person I didn’t mean to hurt, being better did.)

The past is never erased in Fullmetal Alchemist.  Dead people do not come back to life.  Everything has a price, even fixing things that should never have broken, and Ed regains an arm but keeps the scars, still doesn’t have a leg, still has nightmares, will never transmute again.  Being sorry fixes nothing.

And they raised me Catholic, okay, and I raised myself on fantasy novels, I have spent decades surrounded by redemption arcs helmed by angsty vampires and suffering saints whose own path towards Becoming a Good Person somehow mattered more than the actual lives of the people they hurt in the first place.  Redemption arcs are inherently selfish.  They are inherently contradictory.  Forgiveness does not wash away sins, and the quest for it helps nobody but yourself.

But Roy and Riza don’t ever look to be forgiven.  It’s not even on the menu.  They want to fix the world and they don’t even want credit; they want to fix the world and the best reward they hope for is execution, because it means they fixed it right.  (And they’ll get lucky, in the end, because post-series Ed believes in inequivalent exchange and he believes in them, because Ed’s smart enough to realize that if redemption is bullshit, so is well-deserved suffering so he’ll keep borrowing money and making Roy survive to pay it back, because Roy and Riza being dead helps nobody, and you don’t do good things for people like saving their lives from their own self-punishment because it’s fair, you do them because putting good into the world makes the world a better place.)

And the story never says we should forgive them.  It never says they’re redeemed.  They don’t get better over the course of the show; Roy gets worse, for a while, finds himself at the brink of cold-blooded vengeful murder, only just barely pulls back.

Roy Mustang is going to become Fuhrer of Amestris and he is going to remake his country into a place that will never destroy a bright-eyed young patriotic idealist like it destroyed him.  And he’s not going to do it because he’s earned it, because of what he deserves.  People don’t work on equivalent exchange.  Nobody earns, nobody deserves anything, not by regret, not by suffering.  Every single person in FMA suffers.  Trisha Elric suffered, Nina Tucker suffered, the Dwarf In The Flask suffered, to be alive is to suffer.  It doesn’t buy you anything.  Blood spilled anywhere other than a human transmutation circle doesn’t pay for anything, it just happens.

Roy can be a bad person, and he is, and that’s fine and all, but he’s so practical (I am so weak for characters who are relentlessly, ruthlessly practical in their kindness, who believe that reducing human suffering is the goal and just flatly and efficiently work towards meeting it).  He can act like a bad person if that’s what it takes to fix the world.  He can act like a good person if that’s what it takes to fix the world.  Ultimately what he is only matters to himself (and nothing that matters to him really matters, because he hates himself, and so it’s not allowed to).

And he’s going to do so much good, and he’s going to protect so many people, and he’s going to love so much and work so hard and I love him for all of those things.  And I love him for being and doing all of those things while also being a terrible, awful, unforgivable sinner, partially because I like the world that’s complicated but partially because they raised me a white Catholic liberal and you’ll never really quite convince me I’m not a terrible person just for being born, so like--this thing, that rejects good person and bad person as qualifiers that really matter.  This thing that says there’s no way to erase the pain you’ve caused, so you just do your best to make the future less painful either way.  This thing that says, guilt is useless, you have two good legs, walk forward.

It’s possible I’m now one hard cider further into the evening than I was starting this post, and it’s really highly possible that none of this is coherent at all but fuck, I have emotions.

#acelania #fullmetal alchemist #CR fandom always makes me so so so tired after Vox Machina one-shots #I don't care what everybody thinks about Vax I don't I just don't #also this week was a wreck #so heavy drinking and moral event horizons it is I guess? #also I have at least two half-finished posts written in response to things you've asked #I will get to it I swear #Yu Narukami is a dick I have thoughts about that too but maybe they're Sober Time thoughts