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denaliwrites · 6 months

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Dance on a Tightrope of Weird

Crowley x GN!Reader

Summary: Crowley was not expecting you to lose your shit when he asked what you were reading.

Soundtrack: Crazy = Genius by Panic! at the Disco

Requests: Open!

Warnings: The ravings of a madwoman. (It's me, I'm the madwoman.)

It wasn't unusual for Crowley to find you tucked away somewhere in the bookshop reading one of the countless old books Aziraphale kept around. You liked classic literature, and history, and philosophy, and who knew whatever other subjects you happened to find lying around the place.

What was unusual, however, was finding you sat in his usual armchair, reading what was decidedly not a two-hundred-year-old first-edition copy of the random novel you'd decided to bury yourself in that day.

He paused in front of you, carefully tilting the book you held up so that he could look at the cover.

"Dead Mountain?" he asked, an eyebrow cocked so high you could see it over the rim of his sunglasses.

"No, no," you said, a fire immediately lighting in your eyes. "No. Don't even get me started. This is fucking insane."

Crowley never was one to listen to your advice. "Oh?" he prompted casually, and suddenly a chair appeared behind him that he, without looking, flopped down into and sprawled across.

"No, because--"

He loved watching you read. The quiet intent, the way your face moved in tandem with whatever emotions the text wanted you to feel. He'd once walked in on you sobbing along with some tearjerking novel (as a side note, that was the first time Crowley had found himself wanting to kill a book?), and another time he'd walked in on you cheering over something... triumphant, he assumed, or at least something like that.

This was different. New.

He loved it too. The fevered look in your eyes, the frustrated set of your jaw. The way your hand, shaped like a predator's claws, gripped his knee tightly in excitement.

"This is--" you were saying, and Crowley startled back into the moment, eyes on you, attention now unwaveringly on your blazing gaze. "This is so fucking insane. I can't get over this."

"Over what, darling?" he asked, and your gaze sharpened on him, as if only just realizing he was there.

"Do you know about the Dyatlov Pass Incident?"

It sounded familiar. "Tell me all about it, darling."

"Oh, you're gonna regret that."

He wouldn't. Not ever.

"Okay, so -- Soviet Russia. 1959. Middle of winter. These nine hikers -- actually, it was originally ten. These ten experienced hikers go into the Ural Mountains to, like. Upgrade themselves? 'Cause I guess there are levels to being a hiker, and you have to go on increasingly more difficult hikes to level up. So all ten were level two or whatever, and they were going on a level three hike to upgrade to level three."

He nodded, even though all the information was secondary in his attention. He just liked listening to you.

"Okay. So they get to this little town, and while they're there, all the locals are telling them shit like, 'Don't go up that mountain,' or 'you'll die up there!' Like, horror movie type shit. The kind of stuff that makes you yell at the TV."

He was familiar with that. You did that a lot -- but so did he.

"Oh, and the mountain they were hiking on? In the local language it's called Kholat Syakhl. Do you know what that means?"

He... he did. He knew what everything in every language meant. But he let you have this, because you were clearly excited. Seeing the way you motioned with the book, he waved toward it and asked, "Dead mountain?"

"Fucking -- dead mountain!"

He chuckled, but otherwise stayed silent.

"So they're getting all these crazy warnings and the mountain is literally called Dead Mountain in the local language, but they decide to go anyway! So they go off, but before they get very far, one of them is like, 'I'm so sick, I can't go on!' and so he tells them he's gonna go back to the town, and they leave without him."

"I take it he's the only survivor?"

You nodded. "Yeah. The other nine kept going. Oh, and another crazy thing -- one of the girls on the trip was keeping a journal? That's how we know about, like... 90% of the things that happened after they left the town."

He nodded. "Makes sense."

"So, because of this girl's journal, right? We know that one of the hikers just, like, fully went off his fucking rocker about a day into the trip."

"What?" Crowley asked, leaning forward with interest.

"Yeah! He started getting really antsy, and he kept shouting stuff at seemingly nothing? He yelled, like, 'Stop following us!' and stuff like that. At nothing!"

Crowley, for effect, took his sunglasses off so that you could see his surprised look.

"Anyway. So they keep going, even though literally everything that could ever say 'turn back' is saying 'turn the fuck back!' They got off course --"

"As you do."

"As you fucking do. They got off course and decided to hunker down for the night and retrace their steps in the morning. They set up camp, went to bed, and then they all fucking died."

"Oh, I imagine there's more to it than that," Crowley said.

The grin on your face was bordering on manic. "Oh, of course. First of all, according to the girl's journal, two of the hikers went batshit, started laughing hysterically for no reason, and then took off into the night, never to be seen again -- well, not alive, anyway."

"Ominous," Crowley observed thoughtfully.

"Right? And the other weird thing about that -- well, pre them all dying. There was, according to the girl, a big, glowing orange ball of light in the sky that night. They have a picture of it," you said, turning the book so that he could see. "Of course, it's in black and white, but still. And -- the craziest part of that, is that there were hikers on the other side of the mountain on the same night who confirmed the big glowing orange ball of light!"

Crowley's mouth dropped open.

"I KNOW! And then -- their deaths are even more bizarre! First of all, they cut their way out of their tent? Like, they didn't just -- open it and leave. They cut. Their way out. And then they ran down the side of the mountain into the trees. No one's really sure how anything else happened, but what we know for sure is that three of them were found a little up the mountain, like they'd been trying to make their way back up."

"Mhm."

"And two were found naked -- right at the edge of the trees, under one of the bigger ones. Some branches in the tree were broken in a way that seems to indicate that they were trying to climb up and get a view of the camp. There were also remains of a fire beside the bodies. We don't know for sure why they were naked, but the theory is paradoxical stripping."

"And what's that?" Crowley asked, even though he knew.

"It's when you're so cold that you start to feel hot, and so you take off all your clothes."

Demonic work, he was sure.

"So that's five of them. They were found shortly after they died. The other four weren't found until a few months later, after the spring thawed a lot of the snow."

"Why weren't they found right away?"

"Because they were found in a ravine about a mile past the treeline! Three of them were found in a stream in this ravine. One of them had a piece of her skull missing? And all of them had major trauma to their chests -- like, high-speed impact by a delivery truck kind of major impact. To this day, no one's sure what the fuck caused that kind of damage."

Crowley clicked his tongue in thought.

"And the last one -- she was found sitting up against a big boulder? The official report describes her like that. Sitting up against a boulder. She had, like, chunks of her face missing? And her tongue was missing. Like, the whole thing."

"You specified the official report," Crowley observed. "Is that important?"

"Oh! Yes! Because the pictures of the area? They show her as laying face down in the stream with the others!"

"That's suspicious."

"Right? On top of all that, their bodies had traces of radiation! Not their clothes, though, or their belongings. Just the bodies."

Crowley hummed.

"Oh! And their tent -- when authorities found the tent, it looked like it had been put up by amateurs. Like, level zero hikers. But these were level two hikers doing their level three hike. There's no reason their tent would've been put up like that. Even if they were in a rush or scared or whatever, it would've been put up at least sort of better."

He nodded in understanding.

"It's just -- it's all so crazy!"

"I can tell," he mused aloud, lips quirking into a smirk at your perplexed and frustrated expression.

"The thing with the girl's face is really weird," you said after a moment of thought. "The theory is scavengers, but reports of the incident specify there were no animals in the area. Like, I feel like if there were scavengers, you'd write down 'no predators,' or even 'no wolves or bears.' But no, they wrote, very specifically, 'no animals.' Like, I dunno, it just feels like that's a weird distinction to make. But then, if there weren't any animals, how did her face end up with bits missing?"

"I couldn't tell you."

"And why lie about her, too? Why move her and put her in the stream when the report literally says she was up against the boulder?"

He shrugged, before shifting forward to grip your knee.

"I just -- it's all so crazy, and weird, and -- and --"

"Oh," Crowley interjected, looking thoughtful. "Now I know why that all sounds familiar."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, that was demonic work," he continued, blissfully unaware of your increasingly maddening expression. "I'm pretty sure that was my side."

"So you -- you know what happened?"

He finally caught your expression, the set of your jaw and slight twitch in your eye. "Oh -- yeah. Of course," he said, sounding rather unsure, actually. If anything, that just seemed to aggravate you more. "Space yetis."

"... SPACE YETIS!?"

#crowley x reader #crowley x you #good omens x reader #good omens fic #good omens fan fiction #david tennant #this fic is purely self indulgent nonsense #reader is me #literally #the dyatlov pass incident haunts me to this day #fun fact I did not use google wikipedia or any other source for this fic #i just have basically every detail memorized #like a crazy person

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nancy-drewdles · 9 months

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incorrect nancy drew 2/∞

#source: captain swan (last two gifs)#this is purely self indulgent #something about nancy coming home to ace cooking dinner made me 😭#i'm just very sad we'll never get domestic nace on the show okay #nancydrewedit #naceedit #nace #ndcentral #aceandnancy #nacesource #nancy drew #ace [hardy]#ace [redacted]#ace x nancy #nancy x ace #nancy drew cw #cw nancy drew #ndcw #incorrect nancy drew

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jadewritesficshere · 9 months

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Insecurity 18+only

Steve Harrington x female!reader

shoutout to all my girlies who are self conscious about their chests.

Synopsis: You feel insecure about your boobs, but Steve shows you there is nothing to be insecure about 18+ ONLY

Contents: negative body image (descriptive about insecurities, self depreciating thoughts), pet names (Honey, Beautiful), groping, unprotected p in v (YALL PLEASE WRAP IT UP), creampie

The gnawing despair and shame that had started earlier in the night had continued to grow, becoming like lead in your stomach. It was movie night at the Harrington residence. As was the tradition after saving the world once or twice, the young adults would get together and watch a movie, eat pizza, and smoke if you felt so inclined.

Tonight was Eddie's pick, some B horror movie. You hadn't really paid attention, more focused on watching Nancy and Steve talking. The despondent feeling had started then, even if you knew they no longer had feelings for each other, you felt insecure. You felt as though you couldn't compare to Nancy. You loved Nancy, she was amazing. Hell, you weren't sure if you wanted to be her or be with her.

But you definitely knew you liked Steve. You hadn't even told Steve of your feelings for him, having your heart ripped out as you watched him go out on many dates, and feeling like an asshole for being glad they didn't end well.

The feeling grew as the movie started. Robin and Eddie, taking their roles as film critics seriously, talked about the techniques being used and made comments throughout. Nancy told them to hush many times, but they ignored her. It wasn't until one of the female characters had her shirt ripped open, causing her bare chest to be on display, that caused silence to occur. Her breasts were bigger than yours and perfectly even and round. Nipples that were hardened and like a beacon your eyes drifted to. Her breasts swayed in an almost hypnotizing way as she ran. You would have been the first to admit they were attractive.

"Damn," one of the guys had muttered, causing you to look over. Eddie's eyes were glued to the TV and for once he was silent.. Robin was blushing and her mouth was dropped open. Steve shifted on the couch, his hand going to adjust- oh.

Your stomach dropped and you felt like your veins had turned to ice. Of course this is what Steve would like. You didn't have a bad chest persay, but you were always self conscious of it. In fact, yours were uneven. Sure, they weren't an entire cup size different, but one cup of your bra would fit perfectly while the other was just slightly too big or too small depending on the bra. You knew that you were probably making a bigger issue out of things, but you couldn't help your insecurity. You noticed the difference every time you looked in the mirror, even if no one else did.

You hardly even noticed the movie ending. You couldn't even remember the plot. You nodded at the discussion Eddie had started, trying to make it seem like you had paid attention. You could feel Steve's eyes on you. "Are you okay?" Steve mouthed from across the couch. You smiled and nodded, but the look of concern didn't leave his face. Of course the one guy you wanted to seem normal to could tell something was off.

Slowly, everyone gathered their things to leave. Robin and Nancy left together while you were searching for your keys. Eddie had went to the restroom then left, saying something about a deal. You still couldn't find your keys. You always left them on the table in the hall, but they were nowhere to be found. This was just making your night worse. The icing on the cake. Like when you are already mad and your belt loop gets caught on the door handle. You grumble to yourself, when you hear Steve clear his throat.

You turn to glance at him. Steve had your keys in his hand. He jingled them before tossing them at you. You fumble with the catch, but don't drop them. Why the hell would Steve steal your keys?

Steve stood at the end of the hall in front of the front door. He had his arms crossed over his chest. "What's going on?" Steve demanded. You rolled your eyes at his tone, earning a glare," Seriously? You're acting strange, what happened?" "Nothing. Thanks for stealing my keys asshole." "It's called borrowing, you got them back." You attempt to slide by Steve but he blocks you. Almost like a game, you try to slide past and he blocks you.

You fake to the left, making Steve attempt to block you there, but slide past him on the right. You grasp the door handle but-

The handle slips from your grasp as Steve spins you around and pins you to the door. His arms blocking you on either side, holding onto your biceps. You drop your keys on the floor from surprise. A moment of silence between you two as you both realize the position you're in.

"What's going on? Did...did I do something?" Steve frowns at you. Your stomach drops at the look of disappointment on his face," No! Steve just...no." "You can't even look at me without frowning." His words make you realize you are indeed frowning. You must have been frowning at him all night. You attempt to smile, but the attempt is pitiful and Steve sighs," I'm sorry...I dont know what I did, but I am." "Steve you didn't do-" "No, no. Let me finish. I'm sorry that-" "Steve-" "-i never meant to make you uncomfortable, if you tell me what it is I can avoid doing it again-" "Steve I-" "- let me speak! I'm sorry i-"

"It's my boobs!" Your voice is loud, not yelling, but loud enough that there was no way Steve could ignore it. You bite your bottom lip and his mouth drops open slightly. He closes his mouth and swallows, your eyes flicking to his Adam's apple moving. You don't miss how his eyes snap down to your chest that was covered by your shirt.

"Uh I'm sorry?" Steve blinked a few times before looking into your eyes," I think I'm missing something?" Nerves wrack your stomach, embarrassed at the feelings of insecurity you had. You fidget under his gaze," Well I mean...the movie...she...mine don't look..."

Steve's eyes widen slightly with realization. "Oh Honey...there's nothing to be self-conscious about." You scoff at his words making him glare. "Seriously, all boobs are beautiful. Big, small, perky or not, I could go on. Even, uneven, doesn't matter to me.. Boobs are boobs. And they all are beautiful." "Not mine." Steve rolls his eyes," Yes yours." "Nuh-uh" "Yuh-huh!" You and Steve bicker back and forth before the thought fuck it runs through your mind.

You grab the hem of your sweater, yanking it up. You're glad now that you had worn the severely baggy sweater without a bra. Your breasts jiggle slightly with movement, Steve's eyes immediately darting to them.

He licks his lips as he stares at your chest. Your chest rising and falling with every breath you take. His gaze heavy, making you aware of what you just did. You go to lower your sweater and his hands dart out to hold yours up," Now hold on..."

He smirks at you and lowers one hand down to your left boob. He palms at it, making you realize how big his hand really is. He squeezes lightly before lifting your breast and letting go, watching your breast fall and jiggle. He groans and the sound goes straight between your legs. His other hand darts to your other breast. You can tell there is a difference in size against his hands, but Steve doesn't seem to care.

Your nipples start to harden from arousal and the cool air. Steve's eyes focused on the peaks as his thumbs rub over each one. A shudder runs through you and goosebumps run down your arms from Steve's feather light touch. Steve's eyes are lit up with barely contained lust.

"Don't know why you were concerned about these...They're perfect." Steve mumbles, dipping his head close to your chest before looking up at you. The unspoken question has you nodding your consent. Steve grins slightly before slowly kissing your chest. A kiss here and there. A slight bite. Licking and swirling his tongue. He sucks lightly on one nipple, sending shivers down your spine.

You can feel your arousal start to dampen your panties. A light moan escapes your mouth before you bite your lip to hold it back. Steve groans at the sound before pulling back. "Fuck babe..." Steve exhales slowly. He closes his eyes trying to get a grip on himself. You aren't sure if you should lower your top or take it off. Steve shifts and your eyes dart down and-

Oh. A thrill of pride runs through you at seeing Steve's erection. Knowing you gave him that? Knowing you got him worked up just from the part of you that you are the most insecure of? It may not take away that insecurity fully, but it does help to lessen it in this moment. You lick your lips at the sight. Damn, it was big.

Steve's hands slowly grasp yours and lower your sweater. "We uh better put those away. Or I'm gonna have a hard time controlling myself." Steve clears his throat and runs a hand through his hair. You nod absent-mindedly. You pause and then say," Who says you have to control yourself?"

Steve growls and crowds you against the door. Your arms go over his shoulders, a hand in his hair and one on his neck. Your noses knock together slightly before his lips collide against yours. Soft but passionate. Your chest rubs against his as he pushes a leg between yours. The friction hits your pelvis as you both grind against each other.

You can feel the roughness of his jeans through the fabric of your pants, it hitting just right to feel amazing against your clit. You pull back with a gasp, Steve taking the opportunity to kiss down your jaw. You aren't sure if he maneuvers your head, or if you turn it to give him better access. You can feel a hint of pain as he nips his teeth, that turns into pleasure as he sucks and licks the spot. He trails down from your jaw to your neck, to the spot that makes your fingers and thighs clench. You know your underwear must be soaked at this point.

"Steve," you tap his neck to get his attention and he pulls back to look at you," Bedroom?" Steve's eyes light up and a blinding grin spreads across his face. He lets go of you and takes a step back. Steve grabs your hand, interlocking your fingers. His hand bigger then yours, but feeling like a puzzle piece sliding into place. Butterflies in your stomach taking flight as it felt so right.

Steve leads you up the stairs and into his bedroom. He lightly closes the door and pulls his shirt off. You can't help inhaling sharply at the sight. Pale skin scattered with beautiful moles, like stars in the night sky. You want to kiss each one. His chest hair and that stupid happy trail, it made your mouth salivate. Steve flexes his biceps slightly, trying to show off. You wouldn't tell him, but he didn't need to show off for you. You thought he was beautiful just as he was. Even when he was a "loser" (his own words not yours).

You toss your sweater off quickly, not wanting to miss a second. You push your pants and underwear off in the same movement. It hit you suddenly, that you were naked in Steve's room. This had only happened in your dreams, and if this was one, you didn't want to wake up.

Your eyes dart back to Steve as his jeans come off with his boxers. Steve's dick stands to attention, lightly hitting his stomach. A smattering of curls neatly trimmed at the base. A prominent vein on its side. You can see a mole on one of his balls, and you still agree with your earlier thought of kissing every mole. You lick your lips at the thought. Steve goes to take his tube socks off and falters slightly, almost falling.

It takes some nerves away you didn't realize you had as you giggle at the man in front of you. Steve's face flushes with embarrassment, but that feeling goes away as he sees you getting comfy on his bed. In his mind, you look like you belong. Like this was the perfect place for you. Steve gets his socks off and tosses them away, stalking over to you.

Steve slowly crawls onto the bed and over you. You grin up at him as he braced himself over you. "Hi," you murmur before kissing him. You can feel one of his hands snaking down your arm and grabbing your hand. He holds your hand as you kiss, making your head spin. Something so innocent as holding hands mixed with the way his tongue was moving against yours made it feel incredibly dirty. You knew you would think about this moment every time you held hands, because now you weren't going to let his hand go that easily.

Steve slowly lines up, rubbing his dick through your folds. A shiver of pleasure runs down your spine as he rubs against you clit. You whimper slightly, bucking against him. Once his dick is coated thoroughly with your arousal, he teases your hole with his tip. The lightest touch of pressure, just so you know he's there before he pulls away.

You can feel the head of his dick slip in slightly, both of you moaning. "Ready?" He asks and you nod. He slowly pushes in, pausing to give you time to adjust to his length. It has a slight sting of pain as you stretch to adjust for his size. Steve murmurs apologies as he kisses your face, going back to the spot on your neck he found earlier. You relax against him and he pushes in all the way.

You've never felt so full. The feeling was amazing. Steve slowly starts to pull out before pushing back in. Each thrust of his dick sending pleasure coursing through you. You wrap your legs around his waist, allowing him to hit a different angle that causes you to moan.

Panting into each other's mouths as he thrusts into you. Steve moans wantonly, sending shivers down your spine. With every thrust he hits that spot that makes you see stars. You can feel your climax approaching. "Give it to me Honey," Steve murmurs, hand snaking down and circling your clit.

You crash over the edge before you realize you were even there. You spasm from pure unadulterated pleasure. Stars explode in your vision as ecstasy takes over. "Oh fuck you're-" Steve cuts off with a gasp as his hips stutter. You are floating through space, barely tethered to your body. You thought out of body experiences only happened when you were about to die, but the pleasure you felt sent you to new heights.

Steve's thrusts falter as he cums. You start to come back to earth as you feel his release paint your insides. Steve collapses on you, not in an unpleasant manner, but like a weighted blanket was laid on you. You wrap your arms around his waist in a loose hug (and if you squeezed his ass well thats just for you two to know). You can feel his heaving breaths as his chest rubs against yours.

Steve pulls back slightly to stare into your eyes. "Hi again," you giggle. "Hi Beautiful," He grins at you. You try to hide your face in his neck but he laughs and pulls back more, making you whine. "Don't go shy on me," Steve kisses your nose," I've seen you naked now. Nothing left to be shy about." You would argue but Steve kisses you again.

Steve slowly pulls out and you whine at the loss. You can feel his cum slowly drip out of you. He pulls back but you tighten your arms around his waist. "Hey, I'll be right back. Just gonna get a towel to clean up." Steve strokes your jaw. You reluctantly let go of the man so he can go get a towel. Steve leaves and returns quickly. A wet wash cloth in hand, Steve pauses at the sight of his release dripping out of you. You can tell he likes what he sees, making a mental note. He cleans you up, careful as you are still sensitive.

Soon, he is crawling back into bed next to you. He curls into you, wrapping an arm around your waist as his head goes to lay against your chest. You wrap one arm around his waist while the other hand goes to his hair. You both sigh contentedly. "Beautiful," Steve mumbles, kissing your breast. Yeah, your insecurity was definitely lessened in this moment. And you had a feeling that every time it started to grow, Steve would show you how he felt about them.

#Steve loves them all he does not care the size or shape #Steve is also canonically a hand holder during the deed so #He is the most boyfriend to boyfriend and idc if you aren't technically together in this #You are now like bro you aren't letting this man go #Also Steve spends a long time doing his hair and you think he hasn't tamed that jungle?#My man over here trimming and looking at the angles in the mirror to make sure it looks good #Personally I wouldn't care but thats just me #Anyways I love him and I love him and I love him #Is this purely self indulgent uh yes but I know I ain't alone in this so #Also I am so terrible at writing smut my mind goes blank and I just #Enjoy this poor attempt at smut aha #Steve Harrington smut #Steve Harrington #Steve Harrington x reader #Steve Harrington x you #Steve Harrington x y/n #Steve Harrington/you #Steve Harrington/reader #Steve Harrington x female!reader #Steve Harrington/female!reader #Stranger Things #LETS TRY POSTING THIS AGAIN CAUSE TUMBLR BLOCKED IT IN THE FEEDS AND YET I AM NOT SHADOWBANNED SO LETS TRY THIS AGAIN #Jade is Talking

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gonchillunchis · 3 months

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#lesbian spirk #part two #god save me #spirk #Spock #Kirk #gon0124 #my artwork #gon's sketch dump #Star Trek #star trek tos #the concept is kirk letting her wife stay in command for just a couple secs more #and oogling her a bit #the concept is self indulgence i did this purely for my own perverse wishes

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97-liners · 1 year

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he’s like if tofu was a dude

#dont feel like u have to reblog this #this is purely self indulgent. moving images of woozi and his thick white legs and his tiny little shorts. just for me.#woozi #seventeen #97.gifs

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corrodedcoughin · 10 months

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Eddie has a hard time making friends | 2.7k | very self-indulgent corroded coffin centric drabble | not beta-read so i can only apologise, also i'm off sick so if this is incoherent i apologise x2

Eddie Munson lived his life telling himself that no matter what, he didn’t need anyone. That he was better off without friendships and relationships, that in reality, he could do whatever he wanted and please himself. Fuck off at the drop of a hat if he so desired! He didn’t need to factor anyone into his life and that’s the way he liked it.

The truth is Eddie Munson wanted to be loved. That’s what it boiled down to. The problem was he wouldn’t and couldn’t let himself. That’s what he believed anyway. There was a pattern to Eddie’s relationships, be it romantic or otherwise. And that pattern was that Eddie fucked them up. He was too much. He knew it in himself, he could feel it deep in his bones. Every so often though, he’d forget and would open himself up to somebody new. Always guarded, he’d talk and play his part, getting to know this new person, entertaining them and making sure they had a good time. That’s what his role was and he was good at it. To a degree. Eventually he let a little too much of the real him out and that’s when the other person would see him. They’d see him and the uninterested look in their eyes would appear and the pain of the realisation would come crashing over Eddie like ice water. The person would have enough and be on their way again, leaving Eddie alone but ultimately for the best.

Sometimes though, sometimes Eddie let the person in. He’d take a few bricks out of his mile high wall and let the person peek inside. See the real Eddie, with his excitement and happiness but his sadness too, his neediness, the very weight of him and his pain. This never ended well. The problem is, Eddie got attached. He got attached too easily and then he’d make himself vulnerable. Then, the spark of a new friendship would fizzle out. Not for Eddie, never for Eddie, but for the other person, or that’s how it felt anyway. The conversations would get further apart, the excitement to share started to feel one sided. He’d get so nervous about starting a conversation, unsure what to say to how to say. Unclear if the other person even wanted to hear from him, instead sitting in silence and yearning to reach out. The fizzy feeling in his chest would still be there but it would be tinged with this heartache and Eddie would second guess himself, then the whole relationship, and he’d be pulling back so fast he could almost feel the g force of it. He’d push the new friend away after convincing himself that it was all out of pity. That they saw how much time and attention he took from them, that ultimately he wasn’t worth the effort and he’d be left to lick his own wounds as another friendship failed. The issue was that Eddie had maybe too much affection. And when he let that out? Even just a little bit? Reining it back in was impossible. A tidal force of emotion welled up for so long and desperate to be let out, it couldn’t be held back. And so after every time he mistakenly let himself show his true colours, he was left to mop up the deluge. Friendship swept away and another wreck left in his wake. A fresh ache to be added to the collection.

—------

He tells himself he is happy on his own, better off that way because the alternative is worse. He doesn’t need a reminder of just how unbearable he is, how unwanted his true self is. Eddie Munson, acquaintance to many, friend to none. Safe. He knows his part and he sticks to it.

Or that’s how he plans to be anyway. That is how he thinks his life will go. But then he gets tricked.

He gets tricked into caring about three lost losers that wander into his orbit.

It’s the lunch of the first day of his second senior year and he has no intentions of making friends. Knows he’ll be better off getting through the year on his own. But then it happens. He doesn’t mean for it to happen. But happen it does. There’s a new kid that clearly has no idea where hes going and is giving a valiant attempt at trying to be nonchalant as he cranes his head around looking for a free table. Eddie sits on his own at the table he has marked out for hismelf that nobody else comes near, likelihood that his reputation proceeds him. So he kicks a chair out and tells the guy to sit. And the guy? Looks at Eddie like he’s handed him the keys to heaven, or hell going by the boy’s judas priest shirt, nice.

Eddie is about to leave, gearing himself up for a friendly nod before running to solitude. The new guy isn’t so keen on that though.

‘Thanks man, somehow nobody ever mentions how shit the time between classes can be when you transfer. Only ever the shittiness of new teachers’ the guy says, offering a smile so warm that Eddie returns it without thinking. ‘I’m Jeff by the way’

Lunch passess without consequence, he gets Jeff’s backstory. Listens to how his day has been so far and what he’s got for the rest of his classes. They part amicably enough and Eddie thinks nothing more of it, glad to have helped with first day nerves but mentally starts planning on taking his lunch elsewhere tomorrow, let Jeff get acquainted with the rest of the school and not feel obligated to the first person that was nice to him.

Only that isn’t how it goes. Jeff finds him in the food line and Eddie, and his Wayne instilled mantra of ‘Munsons have manners’, smiles and engages in the best, albeit stilted, small talk he can muster while simultaneously seeking his escape route. Only he gets involved. He gets pulled into a conversation about guitars and the best bass riffs and honest to god symbolism in lyrics. He gets tricked! Jeff tricked him! And now he’s sitting at a table with this new guy and enjoying himself and he can’t help himself. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he’ll pull away and slink out the back door like he knows best and everything will be okay.

Tomorrow turns into the next day, turns into next week and soon enough it’s two weeks and Eddie is looking forward to lunch so he can see Jeff, conversation gets easy, somehow enjoyable, and he hates himself for it but his heart is so happy he can’t help it. He’s heading to ‘their table’ (when did he start calling it that? Better quit while he’s even marginally ahead) and now there’s three people there, causing an internal panic.

Eddie must have got the wrong table? But no, sure enough Jeff is waving him down as a fluffy haired boy and his friend are flinging their hands around in a heated debate. Over what? Eddie guesses he’ll never find out because he is absolutely not sitting with them. Nope. No way. He is a loner and that’s how he’s going to stay. He’s about to turn on his heel, lunch tray in hand, when Jeff is by his side and pulling him over.

‘Get held up man? No worries, saved you a seat. I invited Gareth and Ian too, met them last week and thought it would be fun.’ Jeff doesn’t give him a chance to answer before he’s pushing him into a chair and getting back involved with the other two. Now Eddie is a loner but that doesn’t mean he isn’t keeping tabs on people. He knows the name of these two but other than that? Not much to tell.

‘And I’M saying you are an IDIOT if you think Gimli couldn’t bare knuckle brawl with a shithead like smeagol and win’ Ian is passionate with it but he’s fighting a losing battle by the looks of things.

‘Oh! I’M the idiot? ME? DUDE! Last week you tried telling me that Tom Bombadil could win against Gandalf. GANDALF! THE GREATEST WIZARD OF ALL TIME? Fuck off man, thought you were smarter than that.’ Shaking his head, Gareth throws Eddie a look of ‘can you believe this shit?’

And before he can stop himself Eddie is interjecting, ‘All the power to Gimli but Gandalf respects gollum for a reason’ which gets him a slap on the back form Jeff as Ian and Gareth go at it again. He knows he made a mistake in this but he couldn’t help himself, he’ll pull back soon. He will.

Only he doesn’t. He keeps coming back, he keeps talking and laughing and learning more and more about these guys and he cares. He cares so much he feels like his heart might burst with it. He actively looks forward to spending time with the three of them. They spend time together outside of school! Wayne has even made comments about it being nice to see him looking happy, brightening up like the sun when Eddie slips up and mentions plans with the three guys.

That doesn’t stop the pervasive and creeping feeling from reminding Eddie of who he really is, how things go for him. He tortures himself with it, in truth. He tells himself that he knows the pull back is coming so to stop the painful waiting game he starts planning the detachment. Tries to keep it scientific, emotionless. It isn’t easy. It’s the exact opposite of what he wants to do. He wants to spend as much time as possible with these people, talk shit with them, make them laugh, get to really know them, maybe even let them really know him. But still, there is the insipid little voice in the back of his head, telling him what he believes to be true, that soon enough they will have had enough of Eddie. Soon enough they’ll look at him and see the burden that he is.

It’s a small thing that sets him off, and entirely his own doing. He starts comparing the relationships within the group. Analysing down to the nth degree to try and prove the worst to himself. And he does, of course he does when he’s torturing himself with it. The way he’s now convinced himself to see the group as a strong three. Ian and Gareth already were friends, already have a long history together, nothing is shaking them up. Jeff and Gareth? They can riff off of so many shared experiences after finding out their families are from the same place. Ian and Jeff are like peas in a pod when it comes to senses of humour, can’t help but make each other laugh, truly there for each other. The three of them have such interwoven bonds that means Eddie is left out in the cold. He can offer them nothing so what’s the point of sticking around?

He doesn’t do it slow, knows that ‘all or nothing’ is the best approach so he stops showing up at lunch. Doesn’t turn up to Gareth’s grandma’s house to watch the copy of ‘The Night of the Living Dead’ Jeff snagged from his older brother. Tries not to think about how excited he was for that one. He stops answering the phone and makes sure Wayne tells anyone looking for Eddie that he isn’t in while also not telling Wayne what was going on. He wishes he could say he found the whole process easy but that would be a lie. He doesn’t let himself ruminate on it though. Distracts himself with his guitar, his books, music. The things that have kept him going. It’s lonely, he can acknowledge that but that feeling will fade, he’ll get used to it again. It’ll be fine, in time.

Eddie knows who he is, how he is and so he settles himself on the couch with the tv and a rerun of Magnum Pi, he’s sad but that doesn’t mean he can’t admire a beautiful man, okay? Sometimes ogling a hairy chest is the best medicine. That and it’s something he and Wayne like to watch together and point out the plot inconsistencies. Thankfully Wayne is home so Eddie doesn’t feel entirely isolated. Wayne’s tried bringing up the friend thing a few times this week but Eddie hasn’t been able to talk about it, just casts his eyes down and changes the subject. He doesn’t need Wayne hearing just how pathetic his nephew is. This is just always how these things go. Everyone else seems to navigate friendships so easily but that ability was clearly left out of Eddie’s skill set.

He really is trying his best not to think about it but it’s so hard when the physical sensations in chest wont leave him alone. Its a constant churning of ‘Not good enough. Too much. Nobody’s priority. Never right’ that feels like a persistent and solid pain where his heart should be. And this pain is exactly what distracts him from the noise of a knock on the door, from Wayne going to the door, from Wayne opening the door and letting somebody in. Letting three somebodys in that are now standing in front of Eddie who is presenting as a very pathetic curled up mass of hair and flannel.

‘People here to see you, son’ Wayne calls from the door. Completely un-needed because yes Eddie can see them thank you very much Wayne. And they can see him and Why did he let them in??

Eddie slowly brings himself to sitting up on the couch from his position of ‘sad-lounging’. He doesn’t look up, can’t meet anyone’s eyes. Opens his mouth to speak while pushing a hand through his hair to buy himself some time. TO figure out the easiest way out of this. Why are they here?

‘Get the fuck up man, we only have this movie for one night before Jeff has to give it back. Don’t be a dick’ Gareth says rather than waiting for Eddie to begin, even starts pulling him up to his feet before Eddie can stop him.

‘Guys, no. It’s fine. You’ll have a better time just the three of you. I promise’ Eddie starts his explanation, hoping to get it out so they can leave.

Jeff won’t hear it though, ‘Fuck off Eddie, you know these two will just end up arguing ad I’m going to need someone to give me running commentary on the actual movie so I don’t get caught up in their shit’ He starts head out the door, Gareth tugging Eddie along and Ian at his back.

‘Thanks for letting us in Mr Munson, is it okay if Eddie stays with us tonight?’ Ian, actual shithead but always a charmer asks as he walks backwards out the trailer, following the troupe.

‘Fine with me, just don’t feed him after midnight.’ Wayne replies and Eddie can hear the smile in his voice. Can’t help himself but shout ‘WAYNE!’ to the amusement of the guys.

He gets settled in Gareth’s Grandma’s car? Gareth got his Grandma to drive them here?? And doesn’t let himself think until they arrive at the house. They get settled in the basement, all of them sitting closer than necessary but seemingly comfortable, Ian on the floor, tilting into Jeff’s legs, Jeff next to Eddie on the couch and Gareth sitting on the armrest.

Eddie’s mind wont rest though, feels fundamentally wrong. Inexplicably bad and needing to fix thing. So he starts, quietly and in the dark as the movie starts ‘I’m really sorry guys, I know I’m hard work and not exactly eas-’ He doesn’t get to finish before Jeff is shushing him ‘Eddie shut the fuck up. Let us be your friends, yeah? But seriously, shut up. Movie time.’

Obviously he wants to keep going, apologise again, try to explain himself, opens his mouth to. But then he feels Gareth’s hand on his head, a gentle smack and a hushed ‘Dude, stop’ and Ian reaches over to pet his leg before stealing the popcorn out of Jeff’s lap to a shout of protest.

Eddie tries to settle down, tries to just let it slide. But the thing is his skin feels tight and like somebody replaced his blood with something fizzy. His tummy is squeezing painfully and his trying his best to contain a laugh that’s begging to be let out. Maybe, just maybe, he’s found his people.

#where are my 'can't make friends and can't maintain friendships because they don't know how and don't want to be a burden' guys at?#half thought about doing a steddie part 2 where steve reasurres eddie but idk nothing is jumping out at me #listen this is purely self-indulgent sadness because that is who i AM #i do however have a happier thing in the works #idk man just to say that if you are struggling out there you aren't alone #and i want to be a good friend please give me lessons on not being a little weirdo #idk idk this is silly love you all MWAH #eddie munson #corroded coffin #stranger things

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willowser · 2 years

Text

"hey,"

you don't know how long katsuki's been standing over you saying it, but the minute you come to, you realize that's the sound that had been echoing over and over in your dreams.

"hmm?" you blink him into clarity before stretching out over your pillow, extending one arm far above your head. there's a crack in your back and your ankles that relaxes you to a dangerous amount. "what?"

katsuki's home; it's one thing that makes your heart lift, as you bury half your face in the comforter. he's fresh from a shower, the sharp smell of his body-wash trickling into the stale air that's been trapped in your room, scrubbing it clean.

there's a frown on his face, deeper and softer than usual. "the hell are y'doin'? you been in bed all day?"

all day; you force yourself to sit up a little straighter, wincing from the over-tired headache that awakens in your skull at the movement. sure enough, it's light outside, albeit gray and dull. still rainy, urging you to stay in and all cuddled up.

you ignore his question, furrowing your brows as you put two-and-two together. "i thought you were working through the night?"

the sigh he lets out is long and heavy, sounding like it's been trapped in his chest for a while, and he slumps with it down onto the bed. sitting beside your sprawled out form, eying you carefully as his hand goes to rest on your hip over the blanket. he ignores your question, too.

"i called you twice and you didn't answer."

"did you?" you roll, feeling suddenly like a slob then, as you pat around the sheets and under the pillows until you find your phone. katsuki called you three times, and texted you twice; once to tell you he loved you, and another to tell you to pick the hell up. "i'm sorry, my sound must have been off."

the shift written on the fridge calendar read until early, early tomorrow morning; you're sure of it. there's no way you've slept that long, and the afternoon outside speaks to that, too. and if you weren't answering when he called, and now he's here, then —

tears sting deep in your eyes and you rub them so he won't know. "ugh, god, i'm so sorry." when you sniff, his hand tightens on your hip. "please don't tell me you came home 'cause of me."

but he doesn't say anything, and if you move your hands away, he'll see. it's no secret that katsuki's an early riser, and any amount of time he loses to sleep is a waste, he thinks, especially on his off days, or if he is able to spend the morning with you before going in late. sleeping in longer has always made you feel a little embarrassed; here is this pro-hero whose hours are twice as long as yours and yet he still finds time to workout and clean and cook and function like an adult human being.

katsuki doesn't say anything and when his weight disappears from the bed, you peek out to watch him toe off the boots he's still wearing and shrug out of his sweatshirt. even though your angled half-way on his side of the bed, he doesn't seem to mind, crawling in behind you to pull your body flush against his.

the familiar heaviness of his arm over your waist is comforting, but your desire to nestle down for another nap is a shame you struggle to fight off.

his nose strokes back and forth across your shoulder, like he's thinking until he finally mumbles, "'s'wrong with you?"

you don't know. you've just been feeling — down lately. a want for some isolation and too weary to keep up conversation. now guilty, that you've made him skip out on work because you couldn't get the hell out of bed.

you're going to cry again and so you turn into him, pressing your frown and hot tears into the fabric of his tank top. "i don't know," you choke, "i'm sorry i made you—"

"god, stop," he grunts, resting his forehead in your hair, his lips near your temple where your headache is throbbing. "don't apologize to me." you're frowning too deep to speak, so you just nod. the flex of muscle in his arm is obvious against your back, hands probably fists now, as he tightens his hold on you. pulling you so close that your cheeks squish. "what—" he cuts himself off with another sigh, tucking his head down so he's almost completely encapsulating you.

trying, you think, to be what you need even if he doesn't know what that is.

katsuki thinks in solution, what he needs to do next to prevent something from happening again. whether it's work related or something tumultuous rocking your relationship, he's always been so progressive, so now what?

but you don't know what you need, either.

"i don't know," you sigh, wiggling until he pulls back so that you can look at each other. "i just don't feel like myself, i guess."

he uses the pad of one thumb to wipe at your wet face, a little roughly, and when you sniff, his nose crinkles meanly. "snot-nose."

"hey," you whine, reaching between you to jab at his ribs until he squirms, ticklish even if he won't admit it. a fat kiss is planted on your forehead and you give him a small, sincere smile, even if your head still aches.

"come eat with me," he commands lightly, rubbing a hand across your stomach, resting on your ribs when you stretch and your shirt shifts up your body.

"and then we can take a bath?" you grin at him, poking at his cheeks as they warm just a bit, though he's quick to bite you, trapping your finger gently between his teeth until you can tug it away.

"yeah," he says, pressing his nose against yours, "because you stink,"

"katsuki!" you squeal, swatting him when he laughs into your neck. "you're not supposed to bully me when i'm sad!"

he simply hums, staying curled into you, stroking his thumb across your skin. "don't turn the sound off on your phone when you're home." when you mumble out a apologetic agreement, he pulls back to look at you, face light and teasing. katsuki doesn't always play with you like this, doesn't always have the energy, but he's doing his best now.

trying, to be what you need.

he squishes your cheeks in his hand until your lips are puckered. "and if you don't wanna get outta bed, then i'll drag you everywhere."

"will you stuff me in your clothes so that i can just go wherever you go?"

he snorts, shaking his head like that's the silliest thing he's ever heard — but he sighs and eventually nods. "yeah, deal."

you smile at him, even if he stinks, too. "deal."

#this is just like pure self-indulgent comfort LOL #do not mind me #he's a bully i hate him #✿ willow writes #✿ thoughts: bakugou #✿ theme: domestic bakugou

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