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uraveragelonelygay · 2 years

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Calm in the Storm

Pairing: Shelby Goodkind x Reader x Toni Shalifoe

Summary: You are not okay. But you are also not alone.

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: Depressive thoughts, slight suicidal ideations, but nothing crazy, Shoni being loving and soft gfs

A/N: Miss me? lol I know it’s not marvel, but enjoy some content!

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Being stranded on an abandoned island came with a lot of feelings. Regret. Anger. Frustration. Terror. Despair. And those were just the surface emotions. You had experienced them all. But after being on the island for nearly a month, a new emotion began to stir. A feeling that there was no point. A feeling that no matter what you did, it wouldn’t be good enough to save everyone. Hopelessness. You felt hopeless.

The feeling settled deep in your bones as you sat up against a washed up log on the sand. The bark was scratchy against your back. The night breeze caused you to shiver. A few hundred feet from you, the other girls sat around the fire, laughing and telling stories. But none of that could overpower the feeling of hopelessness that seemed to be drowning you. A feeling that it felt like nothing or no one could stop.

The feeling had been building in you for a while. Perhaps it was always destined to overwhelm you, seeing as one of the many treasures lost at sea seemed to be the medications that helped to keep your mind at bay. But the cause of it seemed to be unimportant. In the moment, all you could think about was how the feeling consumed you. How you felt as if there was no point in even trying anymore. There wasn’t a point in waking up, or doing your chores, or interacting with the girls. Staring out at the sea, you wondered what the harm would be in running out into the sea, letting your body bash against the-

“Hey, hun, enjoying the view?” A sweet southern drawl interrupted your twisted thoughts, and before you could fully process it, one of your girlfriends was sitting beside you and resting her head on your shoulder.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, just watching the waves,” you responded despondently as your other girlfriend took a seat on your opposite side, gently taking your hand in hers.

“You looked pretty lost in thought there, babe, are you doing alright?” Toni asked softly, her concerned eyes trying to meet yours as you simply stared forward at the ocean.

The words were on the tip of your tongue. The need to express yourself and be comforted by your girlfriends was burning you up inside. But a voice in your head kept you quiet.

Burden. You’re a burden. Don’t bother them with your problems. They already have enough to worry about without you being all lame and sad all the time.

You took a deep breath, and for a moment your loves were hopeful that you would talk to them. Instead, you plastered a smile on your face and glanced between them. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, I was just taking a breather.”

Shelby and Toni exchanged concerned glances with each other, but ultimately decided to drop it for the time being. They hoped you would come to them if it really got bad.

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You did not, in fact, end up reaching out to them. As the days passed, you did your best to fake smiles and act as though everything was alright, but all the girls were able to notice how tired you were, or the way you moved a little slower than normal, or how your smiles always seemed forced. But they opted to not directly address it, simply doing subtle things to check in on you and help you out. Your girls made sure you were drinking water and eating. Fatin tried to include you in her shit-talking sessions. Dot took on a few of your daily chores to ease your load. Martha gave you a little extra when distributing food. Leah and Rachel even offered you a spot in their makeshift band.

But this only made you feel worse. You felt guilty for making the girls feel the need to go out of their way in order to help you. You were trying to be okay. Really, you were. But everything felt as though it got heavier and heavier everyday. You were running out of energy to do anything.

Everything hit its peak about a week after your conversation with Shelby and Toni. You were at an all time low now, and nobody had failed to notice that. You wouldn’t get out of bed. You simply lied there and stared into space, your mind elsewhere. You were so tired. Too tired to eat. Too tired to drink. Too tired to move. It was all too much. You felt as though you were being crushed by the weight of everything. You just wanted to curl in on yourself and disappear. You wondered if there was a way you could sneak off while the girls were asleep. You wouldn’t use the medication. No; you had already burdened everyone enough; there was no way you were going to deplete their med supply on top of everything else. So you would have to find another way. There was always-

“Hey, babe,” this time it was your hot-headed brunette girlfriend who interrupted your dark thoughts with her soft voice, “Shelby and I were thinking the three of us could head over to our spot and spend some time together, what do you think?” She gently tucked some stray hair behind your ear, caressing your face as she did.

She was always so gentle with you. So gentle. It’s more than you deserve. She deserves better. They both do.

“I think I’m just gonna stay here,” you said, your voice coming out weak and scratchy from lack of use.

Shelby approached you then, crouching down in front of you and taking your hand. “Alright, then how about we lay here with you for a bit? We haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to our girl much lately; it would probably do us all some good.” She was good at that; at making it seem as though they weren’t going out of their way to help you. Her good intentions pulled at your heart strings. For a moment you considered being honest with them this time; finally letting all of your inner turmoil spill out of you for them to help clean up. But then the voice was back.

Look what you did now. You ruined their plans. How dare you? What a fuck up. You’re disgusting.

Your heart clenched, anxiety starting to rise at the thought of inconveniencing the two girls you loved most. “No, no, I wouldn’t want you to do that. Please, you two should go have fun without me.”

Shelby was quick with a response. “Fun? Without you? Nonsense. We’ll just switch things up a little and-”

“No!” You blurted, your breaths quickening as your thoughts began to spiral.

Useless. Worthless. Can’t even let your girlfriends have fun. A mistake. A burden.

Toni took your other hand, brows furrowing in concern. “Hey, what’s going on?”

By this point you’re gasping for air, a full on panic attack in the works as your bottled up emotions can take it no longer. “You have to go, you shouldn’t…you can’t…I can’t…”

“Hey, hey, hey, love. I’m gonna need you to take some deep breaths for me, alright? You’re okay, I promise.” Shelby rubs the back of your hand with her thumb, squeezing it gently, trying to get you to calm down.

Toni took your hand she was holding and placed it on her chest as she took exaggerated deep breaths. “Breathe with me, alright?”

Before long, you were calming down, now breathing evenly, tears streaming down your face.

“There we go, love, I knew you could do it,” Shelby cooed, taking your face in her hands and gently brushing your tears away with her thumbs.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, going to move away, but Shelby held you there, looking into your eyes with nothing but love and concern.

“There’s no need to apologize, love,” she said, releasing your face to hold one of your hands instead.

“We’re just worried about you,” Toni explained, “you’ve been pulling away, and we want to know what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”

She took your other hand, squeezing softly, and you took a deep, shaky breath.

“I’m not okay,” you said hoarsely, tears slowly beginning to leak from your eyes again.

Both girls’ hearts broke at the overwhelming pain in your voice.

“It’s so hard to get up each day. I feel so useless. But then by laying around all day I only become more and more useless. And you two have been so wonderful and here I am all sad and lame and annoying and-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Toni cut you off, putting an arm around you and pulling you into her, holding you tight. “You are none of those things, okay? I can promise you that not a soul here thinks you are useless, or lame, or annoying-”

“And trust me, if they do, Toni will cut a bitch,” Shelby interrupted, causing you to let out a weak giggle.

“I’m really sorry you’ve been feeling this way, darling. I wish you’d come to us about it,” Shelby said.

You sighed. “I didn’t wanna bother anyone with my depressing shit. I mean, we’re all stuck here on this god forsaken island, the last thing I wanted to do was be a burden to you guys.”

“You could never,” Shelby assured you.

Toni nodded vigorously.

“Y/N, you’ve been here for all of our shit. You were the one at my side following my shelter building meltdown, you were the one helping nurse me back to health after we all got food poisoning.”

“You were there holding me tight after I told you and Toni about my life back home,” Shelby said, “We will always be here to return the favor. That’s a promise.”

You nodded, tears still flowing at all of the overwhelming emotions filling the atmosphere.

“I love you both so much,” you choked out in a sob.

“And us, you.”

“Always.”

You nuzzled your face into Toni’s neck, breathing her in, and welcoming the safety she brought you. Shelby’s arms were quick to wrap around your waist as she joined Toni in holding you, making you feel infinitely wanted and loved.

You were stranded on an abandoned island with no idea of what tomorrow might look like. A situation like this is one that welcomes chao and panic.

But as the three of you sat there, holding each other, one thing was for certain: you had never felt more grounded and calm than in this moment.

#shoni #Shoni x reader #shelby goodkind #toni shalifoe x reader #shelby x toni #shelby goodkind x reader #toni shalifoe #the wilds #save the wilds

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