So, I want to share something that’s been sitting in my brain since KinnPorsche the Series aired. I’m a person who loves seeing colors and their meanings in the media I consume, as well as seeing how those colors connect to characters and become like a calling card for them. And oh boy does KPTS do that often. And one thing I’ve seen over and over again is that when Pete is on screen, – and somehow Vegas is involved – the color green appears.
In either lighting, clothing, and/or background items/decorations. And yes, green lighting is shown in scenes where neither is involved, or just Vegas, but it’s most common with Pete.
The meal that Vegas barges in on at the main home where Pete is present? Green lighting.
Pete in the car with the condoms and Vegas? Green lighting.
Pete snooping in the minor home and getting caught? Green shutters and Vegas in a green robe.
Pete being tortured? Green lighting.
Pete in the safe house? Green lighting.
Pete afterwards in the tub after his escape? Green lighting.
Vegas when he is pretty much confessing to Porsche about his feelings for Pete and swearing he’ll keep him safe no matter what? Green silk shirt.
Now, I know what you’re saying, “This sounds almost like Vegas is the green color.” Or “Well green can mean this thing, so it’s not really connected to Pete.” And yes, you are probably correct, but this is where it gets interesting. (Also this is just my personal take. So anything else is also valid.)
We know how Pete is as a character, right? Well look at what we find when we look at the color green:
“Green is a very down–to–earth color. It can represent new beginnings and growth. It also signifies renewal and abundance. Alternatively, green can also represent envy or jealousy, and a lack of experience. In spiritual terms, the color green implies beginnings, new growth, vibrant health, and other ideas connected with life, rebirth, and renewal.”
Now, does some of that sound familiar? These are all things that you can tie to Pete. Down-to-earth, lack of experience (you all know), beginnings, new growth, rebirth/renewal, and even envy or jealousy (from what I’ve seen people talk about how Pete felt about Porsche at certain points.) These are parts of Pete and his journey throughout KPTS.
Even more interesting is when you look into green in terms of love:
“What does the color green mean in love?
Green is the color of the heart chakra, symbolizing love to others, forgiveness, compassion, understanding, transformation, warmth, sharing, sincerity and devotion.”
Now tell me that isn’t Pete’s love for others, but especially Vegas. That’s basically how Pete loves Vegas down to the letter in the series.
But let’s also look at Vegas while we’re here. So I know most of the fandom pins Vegas’ color as red (I do too) and when you go back and look at certain scenes (the torture and safe house scenes for example) you see both colors. And the show almost always seems to add the red once Vegas enters, and even frames them accordingly to their colors. So of course we have to look at that.
Now what’s interesting is red and green are opposites, yet complimentary colors on the color wheel. One could almost say two things that are the same yet different. (Yes, I am implying Vegas and Pete being similar, yet different right now.) But let’s take an even closer look at the colors and what they represent when compared to each other:
“Red is a color of vigor and energy. It represents passion, urgency and grabs instant attention. It can also cause you to feel hunger, which is why it is used in food and beverage logos.” Now who does this sound like? Grabs instant attention, vigor and energy, but above all else causing you to feel hunger?
“Since red is the color of blood, it has historically been associated with sacrifice, danger, and courage. Modern surveys in Europe and the United States show red is also the color most commonly associated with heat, activity, passion, sexuality, anger, love, and joy.” And now we bring blood, danger, sacrifice, passion, sexuality, anger, love, and joy into the mix as well? Seems pretty spot on with Vegas.
“Green, on the other hand, is a color of peace, rejuvenation, nature, cleanliness, and fertility.” So when compared to red, green is its opposite: bringing peace, a rebirth of some sorts, and cleanliness (like washing away the sins of your past perhaps?). But also note how some similarities still are there.
Now one last look at the colors. I feel like this one is the big kicker for these two, and really sells Pete as green, and Vegas as Red: “Green speaks to our desire to foster understanding and acceptance between people and to see the potential value and goodness of each person. Green does not represent the color of love on the level of passion between two people. Throughout history, red has been the color of passion, romance, and sexual energy.”
That to me is Pete. If nothing else, that is Pete as a character and how you see him in his time at the safe house. He tries over and over to understand Vegas, see the value and goodness in him, as well as acceptance for who he is and of his past. You can even boil it down to just how Pete is as a person and how he loves/cares for people in general.
And when we look at the love on a romantic or just simply passion level, we see how Vegas and Pete are different. Vegas – like most people in his family – loves people to obsession. Once he loves you, he will do anything for you. He cannot and will not let anything or anyone harm Pete. He brings the intensity and sexual energy that we never really get from Pete. Pete loves in a more nurturing and compassionate way. Vegas comes in like a fire, whereas Pete comes in like a gentle rain on a summer day.
But when they two come together (look at me bringing things back around again) they compliment each other, and both take from one another. Pete learns to be more rage and heat. Finds that hunger and passion that he never had before. Finds the love and sexuality that he never explored or was aware of in his life.
Vegas cools down some of his heat and rage, and brings in the compassion and understanding of others (even if we only get to see it briefly with people like Porsche and Pete.) And we even see him entering his rebirth right before he gets shot and afterwards. Him finding that peace and devotion. That warmth and his own love that he never had before.
Red and green are two colors that work perfectly (again, in my opinion) for these two as “their colors”, but also to give us more depth and insight into two characters who didn’t get as much time and development as others. Complimentary, yet opposites. The same, yet different. Two people that you would never expect to come together, yet are soulmates through and through for one another.
One ruby heart, now speckled with beautiful emeralds. One lush and green heart, now blooming beautiful red blossoms.
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be the stillness of the moon
An alternate version of my fic, whistling static when the young learn to fly. Rated T.
Read on ao3.
He found her out on the porch, back against one of the cabin walls and one knee tugged to her chest.
Hunch proving true, Coulson snagged a familiar, heavy woolen blanket on his way out and eased the door open, letting it squeak just the slightest bit.
“Hey.”
May was staring off into the distance, the slope of her shoulders letting him know she’d heard and acknowledged his presence. She was still in pajamas, the soft, worn fabric not nearly warm enough for this kind of chill.
Phil made his way over carefully and settled down onto the wooden bench, noisy steps and his shoulders soft and easy. “May.”
“Wanted to see the sky.”
Her voice came out just below a murmur, but Coulson exhaled quietly -- relief and surprise both.
“One of those nights, huh.”
It took a long second, but she nodded. Coulson slouched comfortably, wedged his shoulder against the wooden slats of the cabin. Their cabin.
“How long’ve you been out here?” It was light, but the edge of concern appeared without his permission. It was alright.
May just shook her head.
She’d been off the last few days, snappish or a different sort of silent than usual. He’d kept an eye out but let her be, knowing she would bring whatever it was up if she needed to, and also that sometimes all he could do for her was give her the time and space she needed to deal in her own time, her own ways.
It had been months now, settling into this little cabin and building the kind of peacefulness he’d barely ever dared to imagine; enough time for him to recover his strength somewhat, for that barely perceptible air of tightly wound exhaustion that had surrounded May for years to begin to dissipate. They’d been able to start settling in, building the routines that they both, May especially, needed.
So much of it still felt new. They had thirty years between them, plenty of those spent living in close quarters and through the kind of hard years that taught you the most about a person, but it was still…different, when it was just their four walls; a smaller space, none of the responsibilities that had been a distraction and a stressor and a sanctuary all at once.
He’d gotten to hear May laugh, really laugh, for the first time in so long. He felt more like himself now than he had in years, settled and steady in his own mind and skin. They were still bound to have bad days. Always had, even back when they’d been barely more than kids, only beginning to learn what it would mean to live the life they’d chosen. May was still so used to shouldering everything on her own, and despite contrived appearances to the contrary, Phil actually sucked rather magnificently at the whole talking about it thing. They were working on it, like they were on everything else. It was still hard, sometimes.
“Wanna tell me what’s up?”
“You don’t have to stay,” May said quietly. “I’ll be fine in the morning.”
Okay, not an answer, but not a no, go away either. The fact that she wasn’t claiming to be fine now said…a lot.
“I’d like to, though.”
May blinked at him, genuinely surprised.
“If that’s okay?”
It took another moment, but she nodded. Phil tapped the blanket in his lap, drawing her attention to it, before he lifted it up, gave it a flap and wrapped it carefully around her shoulders. She had too many old injuries to be out in this kind of cold, and the weight would help. “You in pain?”
He saw her hesitate, falter. They’d had the be honest talk a few weeks ago, both of them equally as bad about powering through pain when they no longer needed to. It had taken May literally collapsing on her bad leg after pushing it for weeks for that to happen.
“Some,” May said finally, and Phil breathed out another little bit of worry. “Just stiff. I’ll take care of it later.”
Phil gave the blanket another pointed flick until she bundled herself up more securely, a little of the tension bleeding off her shoulders as she did. They had a few hot water bottles bundled up in one of the kitchen cupboards. He doubted she’d be up for a massage any time soon, but he could go dig those out in a bit, boil some water. As much as he wanted to, he knew better than to suggest going inside just yet.
The stars were bright, this far away from any light pollution. May loved it out here, despite the cold, the endless depth of the sky stretching on and on and on. Phil squinted habitually at his watch (he wasn’t wearing one) and then up at the moon, digging up rusty memories and figuring about three a.m., the angle of the waning crescent.
Pine was sweet in the air. It was still so easy to remember a world cracked apart. Phil swallowed against swelling relief, not for the first time, the reminder of more than he could have ever wished for.
May exhaled softly, letting something go. Phil took the cue and broke the silence, taking a leap.
“You went to see Robin and Polly today?”
May shook her head. “Didn’t go. Drove halfway there and turned around. I called Polly to apologize, made up some excuse, I don’t know.”
Oh. “You didn’t say anything.”
“Couldn’t.”
Phil took a slow breath, making sure he would sound the way he wanted to. “Daisy’s not upset with you, you know.”
There was a long, trembling pause. May’s voice was quiet, when she finally spoke. “She has every right to be. It was stupid of me to yell.”
Their pseudo-daughter (when had it gotten so easy to think of her like that?) was sound asleep in the little room off the hall (officially declared hers whenever she wanted it), here to stay with them the two weeks until Mack called her in to report for her new team’s first official mission. May had come home struggling, hiding it well enough that even he’d missed it at first, and it had been over…nothing, really. Daisy had stared after May’s retreating back with nothing but concern, reading the real reasons for her old mentor’s sudden lashing out in her rigid stride, the harsh lines of her back and shoulders. She knew May so much better than Phil thought either of them realized, these days.
He took another breath, still tempering his tone. “Stupid is the idea that you don’t deserve to be loved.”
May actually startled, turning around to stare at him with a look that tried its hardest to be a glare but fell quite a ways short. “I…what?”
Phil shrugged, keeping the movement gentle and easy despite the ache pulling tight in his chest. “C’mon, May. It’s not like I don’t have some idea of what’s going through your head. But it’s stupid. And I’ll keep saying so ‘til you believe me.”
“This isn’t about…” May closed her eyes with a growl, letting her head thud back against the paneled walls. “I don’t know how to do this, Phil.”
“Do what?”
“Live. Like this. Just be, I don’t know, a person. ”
“May…”
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” May turned to stare at him, implacable. “I’m not the person I want to be, not… I’m working on it, but it’s not worth it if I’m hurting you— if I’m hurting everyone along the way.”
Phil shook his head, bewildered. “Where is this coming from?”
May just shook her head.
“Is this about--”
“It’s not about anything,” May snapped. He just blinked at her. There’d been no real heat in it.
May shook her head and looked away, propping an elbow on her good knee and letting her shoulders slump, palm bracing her forehead. Phil could feel her retreating, slipping farther and farther away.
He sighed and scooted closer before he could think for too long about it, rubbing a hand softly up and down the length of her spine. May wasn’t tense, didn’t flinch. Phil exhaled softly.
“Hey.”
May leaned slowly against him, her head still bowed, and he shifted to better settle her weight against his shoulder, breathing gentle and steady.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
He shook his head, knowing she could feel it. “What’s eating at you?”
It’d been so long that the unspoken things just kind of spoke for themselves. May’s snappishness over the past few days hadn’t been the kind of snappish she got when she was pissed about something -- this sort of scattered lapse in control was the exact opposite of shutting down, of keeping everything contained the way she was wont to do. She was doing her best to let him in now because she was in a place to accept support without depending on it, because grounded and self-reliant when it came to emotional stability had always been May at her happiest.
The kind of trust in the trying had carried them through more hells than he could count. It’d been a constant in his life for so long. He’d never taken it for granted. It still meant the world.
She was on the side of the hand he could feel, and the blanket was soft under his palm as he rubbed careful circles over her back.
“I walked the perimeter,” May muttered at last, muffled. Phil just nodded. He’d noticed the mud earlier, caking her boots.
“Checked all the weapons, the locks, the go-bags. Just sat there taking the gun apart, putting it back together. I haven’t gotten like this since that stupid detail in the Alps, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Too stressed,” Phil offered softly. The frustration in May’s scoff came through loud and clear.
“With what. ”
They were opposites, in this respect. He needed time to unwind if he didn’t want to start losing his mind, always had been that way. That was why field command hadn’t bothered him, why Director would have always been a little bit miserable. The weight of it all, he’d learned a long time ago how to carry.
May could handle anything while she was in the middle of it, would take the weight of anything and somehow still manage to stay centered, steady. It was once things slowed down that she’d get wound tighter and tighter, frustration usually the first thing to break the dam. She’d never really thought that was a valid reason to struggle, either. May knew all of it, and still thought she ought to be better than all things that made her human.
“Too much, too soon?”
May scoffed harder.
“What happened today?”
“Nothing. That’s the point.”
Phil just waited.
May straightened a little, after a while, pulling away and scrubbing her hands over her face. She looked away for another long moment.
“Nothing happened. It's just me.” The anger there was a clear mask, now, something heavier underneath. Bitterness?
He stayed quiet long enough to be sure she wasn’t planning to say anything else just yet. “Kiddo loves you, Mel.”
May looked more tired than ever, looking back at him.
“She misses you, wants to spend time with you. There’s no version of that where it’s a bad thing.”
There was another long silence. Phil kept quiet until he felt the air start to unravel, the weight slowly dissipating. May grappled silently with herself, motionless at his side.
He could feel the moment she decided to speak. May didn’t look at him, the words just barely there.
“I see myself hurting her.” Pause. “You. Daisy.”
Phil made a soft sound before he could stop himself. May shook her head in response without looking up.
“I know. I know it’s just… there’s no meaning to it. It’s not… but I…
“There’s nothing to fight here,” May said softly, as close to helpless as she ever let herself sound. “Just…”
“Yourself,” Phil said softly.
May nodded. “And that’s what I wanted. I need that, need to deal with… but I’m no good to be around like this.”
“What if we want to, though?”
May just looked at him, frustrated and desolate. After a split second the look vanished; she was unreadable to him, for a moment, blank.
“May. There’s nothing you could do that would make us-- make me want you far away,” he said quietly, steady, and watched the mask begin to crack. “If you need some air, some time to yourself-- that’s different. But, May, nothing is going to make me want to give up on this. I don’t want anything more than to see you happy.”
He watched her swallow, struggle a second to speak and then decide against it.
“We need you,” he said gently, because he was trying to say, do you understand how much you are loved? and sometimes that was the version of it May understood best. “Me, Daisy. We all do. You are so loved, Melinda, you know that?”
May pressed the heels of her hands hard into her eyes for a second, dropping her hands back into her lap as she lifted her head to stare out at the night.
“I love you,” Phil said, and watched the tears well up, the way May closed her eyes tight. “Melinda, hey. Look at me?”
She did, finally, and he reached out to cup her cheek with the hand he could feel, wiping away the tears trickling down her face. May had been fighting this for so long, but now she just looked at him, unblinking and vulnerable, her hands folded together in her lap.
“You’re gonna be able to hear it without crying,” Phil said quietly. “Even on bad days. It’ll take time, probably, but we have time, okay?”
It hadn’t been a hard thing for her to say, the first time. She’d just waited for the right moment. None of that was a surprise, once he’d gotten his wits back enough to stop gaping in the hall like an idiot. He needed words, sometimes, to understand, so that was what she’d given him.
It was still different when it came to herself. It wasn’t hatred May carried for herself any more, hadn’t been for a while; there’d been a quiet morning and a good hike and in far fewer words she’d told him that much herself. It wasn’t quite peace yet, either, but in so many ways it was forgiveness. He’d watched her fight for it for years, these hard-won inches of kindness, had realized a while ago that that was something he still needed to learn for himself.
May’s strength had never begun or ended at her ability to beat people to a pulp. That had never been the part he was in awe of.
Thing is, strength has never been known to make anything any easier -- not unless you’re moving house with a grand piano. It’s just a promise you’ll make it through.
“It’s okay,” Phil said, steady. It wasn’t so gentle, this time. Melinda needed certainty almost always more than she ever needed gentleness; he’d never entirely gotten over the surprise of realizing that was something he could give her. “You’re not alone, alright? We’re here. We have time.”
They’d lived so many lives, so many years spent choosing the world over theirs. Years of sacrifice, years sacrificed. They were never getting any of that back, but this was still a gift. Nothing had ever felt so much like hope to him as it did to be able to say that so easily -- we have time.
May didn’t say a word, but she leaned forwards to press her forehead into his shoulder, one arm reaching out to hold on tight.
He held her until she stopped shaking, until her breathing settled back to steady.
After a long time, May pulled away, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. Eyes red, she managed to look disgruntled enough that Phil had to bite back a laugh.
“Lighter?” he suggested gently.
May grumbled. “Headache.”
She’d hated to cry since he’d known her. Claimed she had since she was a kid, that it always just left her feeling worse than before, wrung out. He’d said lighter because he could hear it, though, the edge of strain gone from the way she breathed whether or not she’d admit it. He would never manage to explain to her the relief it was, May allowing herself to unravel this far without so much of the old pain behind her eyes, him being able to just hold her without any terror gripping at his chest, so he didn’t try.
They sat there in silence for a few long, slow moments. Once the sense of ease had settled, Phil got to his feet, holding out a hand.
“Stars’ll be there tomorrow,” he said with a little grin, as May blinked up at him. “We need to sleep, Mel.”
May hesitated, but grabbed his hand. She didn’t wobble, as she stood up, but she didn’t quite succeed at hiding a wince, either. They wrapped arms around each other, familiar movements (except now they were just old, not recently injured), and made their way a little creakingly towards the door.
And paused, just inside the threshold.
A lamp was alight. Daisy’s dim outline was at the stove, but they could see her grin as she turned round at them, visibly chewing over potential remarks and discarding most of them.
“Morning,” she landed on, cheekily, and he heard May groan, struggling to extricate herself from her blanket and his steadying arm without the considerable indignity of toppling over.
“Why are you awake.”
“Were we too quiet?” Phil asked, grinning back at their girl.
“Mm-hm.”
May limped over towards the little counter and Daisy moved to meet her, holding out a mug and a hot water bottle. May accepted both.
“I’m sorry,” Phil heard her say, quietly, as he made his way over to sprawl over the couch. Daisy’s answering tone was soft, genuinely warm.
“S’all good, May. I know… but I think I know what you were trying to get at, maybe. We can talk about it later?”
May nodded. Phil smiled a little at the relief bleeding off her shoulders. She couldn’t exactly reciprocate, with both hands full of recently boiled liquid in various forms, but she leaned into it, when Daisy wrapped her in a brief hug. The look that passed between them said more than words ever could. Daisy’s smile was soft, as she pulled away, and that was that.
“AC?”
He grinned up at her as she came over, delivering another mug. Over at the counter, May braced herself against the scrubbed wood and took a sip from her own, looking up with one eyebrow raised.
“Bitter.”
From May, that was the highest compliment a mug (or a maker) of hot cocoa could receive. Daisy grinned over at her.
Phil took a sip in his turn, and wow. “Bitter,” he agreed. He figured he sounded only a little bit dismayed. He caught the pointed look May sent him. Not a little, then.
“Good.”
Daisy edged very obviously away, gathering up a mug of her own. “Uh. Don’t taste mine.”
May eyed her for a second. And lunged.
Daisy yelped, evading; May feinted neatly (Phil recognized the move and grinned) and wound up with two mugs in her hands, Daisy flailing. “May-- ”
They’d figured before that Daisy still couldn’t outclass May when it came down to raw speed, not in this case without quaking either her or the cocoa -- how that was still true given the amount of pain May’s stance said she was in, he didn’t know, but neither of them had spilled a drop. Phil just sighed. May took a sip.
“Daisy --”
“It’s just a little sugar-- ”
“This is not a little --”
“I’m young, my metabolism can handle it--”
“It’s the middle of the night--” May stopped. Glared. “Are you calling me old.”
“Nope!” Daisy said, as brightly as humanly possible. “Never! C’mon, it’s almost morning, mom, it’s like a once a year thing, we’re already up, you need to get warm, c’mon drink yours and gimmie!”
Mom. No one so much as blinked. May might have maybe handed over the mug with less grumbling than she otherwise would have. Maybe. Phil grinned to himself when he saw her scrub at her eyes behind Daisy’s back, just out of the corner of his eye.
“You’re coming on a run with me tomorrow.”
“Sure.” Daisy bundled towards her, herding towards the sofa. “First you need to get off your feet, sit, please, you’re freezing.”
They wound up all bundled up on the sofa together, sipping mugs of cocoa and tangled up in all the blankets in the house. Phil started telling stories, because there was cocoa and why not, dredging up some Daisy had never heard before and that May would have grumbled at, at length, on almost any other day.
Daisy’s ringing laughter filled every corner. The world closed in around them, just for a little while, a little circle of warmth, safety. Family.
May just listened, leaning against him again with Daisy’s head on her shoulder, eyes soft and content.
She was the only one of them who hadn’t gotten any sleep at all, but it was Daisy who dozed off first, her cheek still on May’s shoulder and no tension at all between her brows. May lifted her mug into the coffee table and slipped a pillow beneath her cheek but otherwise wouldn’t move, hands feather-light as they brushed a strand of Daisy’s hair gently out of her eyes. Her eyes were wet again, but she just looked at him, aching and steadfast in the darkness, the gentle light of a waxing moon.
They didn’t say a word. They didn’t have to.
They would all wake up the next morning groaning, lower backs yelling obscenities and Daisy’s neck stiff from being bent at a near-right angle for far too long. For the few hours of darkness remaining, they all slept peacefully.
May awoke with the first rays of sunlight, blinking her eyes open to find her family huddled comfortably around her, upturned faces washed in gold.
They were at peace, safe and warm. All of them bore ghosts in their shadows, stubborn and lingering; some things would still hurt, come morning. Light tumbled shyly through the window, growing in strength until it sprawled, defiant, into every corner of the room.
The day was going to be beautiful. May exhaled, soft and slow.
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