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#series: we will never be here again
anosrepasi · 8 months
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Their hands brush slightly as she hands the bottle back to him after her swallow of wine, and he contemplates the bottle a moment before taking his share. “Should we play twenty questions? Suss out the answer with trial and error?” Ross looks at him like he’s started speaking in tongues. “That sounds like it could be a dangerous game, spiked bottle or not.” -- Last Light Inn, a bottle of wine: Gale and Ross dance around the feelings they have for each other until they can't anymore.
BG3, Gale x Tav
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absolutebl · 6 months
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It is WILD to me that GMMTV is fielding OffGun AND TayNew in the same quarter
That Last Twilight is airing AS WELL
That they optioned 3 JBLs
That The Sign is up there licking kicking ass and taking names (and Saint is behind it!)
That there's a high heat omegaverse BL staring Pavel
That there are 20 BLs airing right now and none of them Korean.
With 5 VAMPIRE BLs announced for next year
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Thailand legit looked at 2023 and thought "yeah but we could make it worse better weirder"
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guntapon · 10 months
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Nothing. We're not doing anything. I didn't spill the macaroni on his shirt, and- ... Why are you guys here? When did you come? Right. When? We've been here since you guys fed each other food.
MY SCHOOL PRESIDENT ↳ (OMO SPECIAL)
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aseuki · 9 months
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[SOUL] - Wish Upon the Galaxy
"He has absorbed a nova's power to bring back his soul..."
Marx | Sectonia | Fecto Elfilis
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turtleblogatlast · 24 days
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One of the biggest things that makes me see Leo as trans is absolutely the size of his carapace in comparison to his brothers’.
And I’m not talking about height! I’m specifically looking at his shell here, because when you compare him to the others, particularly Donnie who is nearly the same height as Leo, it’s very clear that Leo’s carapace is much longer in proportion to the rest of his body.
Like - standing side by side, even though Donnie is shorter his carapace ends noticeably higher up than Leo’s does. And I like this not only because it really helps push the idea that Leo could very likely be trans (or intersex!), but it’s also just a fun design difference between them.
(It also lends way to future scenarios of Donnie eventually getting taller than Leo, but sitting down still has Leo being the taller one haha.)
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#trans leonardo#rottmnt headcanons#rise leo#trans leo#it’s like 4 am and I’m having trans leo feelings again sorry guys#totally get if other people disagree with me on this! but it’s always gonna be my no.1 headcanon fr#his complexion the vibrancy of his colors staying even in adulthood his general demeanor and this? this hc is LOCKED in my brain#plus the times Leo’s depicted in pink white and blue throughout the series like I KNOW it wasn’t on purpose but damn if it doesn’t help#(his nails are also the exact same as his toe nails/claws but I don’t super count this one tbh)#(even though it is TECHNICALLY another point in favor of trans leo)#(mainly because all the boys’ nails are very much more humanoid than turtle)#(just like how their tails aren’t really a factor either since we see them only in their baby forms and never again)#I really like the idea that he was a female red eared slider pre mutation#and Lou Jitsu’s dna paved how his humanoid features came out (aka a more masculine build and voice)#but his turtle features are all very much more in like with a female res#love the thought of rise bros meeting og comic turtle boys and Leo being like wait you guys are res too?? but…you’re not colorful……#one headcanon I have is that - you know the cute chirping and stuff we have the boys do?#I like to think that Leo’s chirping actually sounds more feminine to himself and his bros (so he tends to not do it)#idk I love thinking about this hc a lot and there’s no time like four am to talk about it huh?#future scenario has future Donnie going up to future Leo all smug like ah Nardo how’s the weather down there#and Leo’s all like good *sits down* why don’t you join me :)#Donnie: …*sits and stretches his neck out to be taller still*#Leo calls him a cheater but Donnie calls it ‘making use of his species’s advantages’#but yeah basically for many turtles the case is - bigger carapace? female. smaller carapace? male.#so it’s very interesting to take that knowledge and apply it here#did you know one of the turtles that this rule of thumb DOESNT apply to is alligator snapping turtles? male ones are the bigger ones there!#by a big difference too so Raph’s size makes a LOT of sense
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manygreetingsfriend · 2 months
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i’m sooooooo normal about the god of war series. so incredibly normal i liked it a normal amount and would be so chill talking about it. don’t worry about the sign
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#god of war#i’m so so so so so normal about it it’s so whatever it’s so haha you know#something something when it comes to yourself you’ll let yourself drown before you change. you’ll die before you change who you’ve become#to survive this long#up to and until it affects the ones you’ve come to love in this life you’ve made for yourself and you suddenly have no choice but to change#it’s fine it’s ok it’s chill. everyone does this.#it’s becoming a parent and loving your child so much you HAVE to change. you HAVE to be better#we MUST be better. than they were.#who’s they. our parents. the gods that come before us. yes.#i’m screaming i’m crying i’m wasting away im disintegrating. there’s no coming back there no return#you are on your knees. you are gripping your son’s shoulders like they’re the only thing keeping you tethered to the earth.#you are struggling with who you are and who you want to become. you are promising to be better.#i’m so normal about parent(al figures) taking responsibility for their actions and choosing to do better#i’m not high enough to really express what’s going on here. can you feel it? can you fucking feel it?#this series has destroyed me.#dad of boy. dad(s) of boy. i will never be the same (affectionate)#can’t remember the last time i finished a series and went ‘oh well i’ve GOT to play it again Now That I Know’#AND I HAVENT EVEN TALKED ABOUT THE BROTHER HULDRA!!!!!!!!!#sindri’s face. has not left my memory#i’m dying scoob#gow#gowr
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tasogareta · 5 months
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haikyuu new year's illustration by matsunaka susumu, director of the upcoming film
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marsbotz · 1 year
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no matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.
#I DONT POST NINJAGO HERE ANYMORE FOLLOW @LEGOGENDER#ninjago#cole brookstone#cole ninjago#be nice im still learning to paint LOL#if even one perspn can understnad this ill be amazed#sorry today we are going for the cole art drenched in personal interpretation#um. well first off hes trans. and i will say i think his entire s1 arc w his father feels very trans. if you dont understnad dont worry#but uhhh. i think a lot about how cole canonically still struggles with living up to expectations#despite making up with lou. and tbh honestly in my mind that didnt even happen#ive said before maybe but i Personally think the stronger arc for cole would have been having to make the choice to stay a ninja despite#his fathers disapproval. that maybe even tho lou disowns him it doesnt matter. bc the ninja r his real family now#bc honestly lou is so absent in the series it might as well ahve never happened LOL#but yeah in s11 is the obvious one. w the travellers tea#and again in s13 not being able to do the burst#feels a Lot like how he reacted in the royal blacksmith ep#i think lous expectations of cole and harsh treatment definitely cld have been the source of his issues.#and especially considering he says he had to do all the chores after his mothers death... makes his anxiety around being leader#(in early seasons)#a lot more sad. i think this was in books confirmed#um. yeah. i think abt cole. hes rlly interesting hope u understand now kinda#so yeah. and i used the bojack quote cus i think its similar in that cole was only young when lou installed these fears in him#'a song you taught me when i was small' and all that#altho i think the gina version fits jay also LOL#artsbotz
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solradguy · 4 months
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If Daisuke Ishiwatari ever drops substantial Gear biology lore you all better buckle the hell up because it's all I'm going to talk about. I've been unwell about Gear biology since translating Begin. Chomping at the bit over here. GIVE ME MORE
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I have never wanted to tell almost a whole entire fandom "I told you so", more in my entire life then I do at this exact moment!
( ⚠️Percy Jackson TV show spoilers under the cut! ⚠️)
The whole conversation between Grover, Chiron and Mr.D that happens outside of Percy’s POV in episode 2? Yeah, we’re gonna talk about that for a minute.
Because all I’ve been hearing and seeing from most people in the fandom now is that Chiron would "never lie to Percy". Well now we have explicit proof that Chiron was lying to Percy and was genuinely upset at the suggestion of just telling Percy very critical things that Percy should know!
Then let’s get to the fact that Chiron absolutely knew that Percy was at least Poseidons son, and that he knew that Percy would be the one to go on that quest for the bolt! And this whole conversation happens before Percy is claimed by Poseidon at capture the flag!!
If Chiron and the Gods aren’t allowing Percy to know things that he need to, or should know… how many other demigods have they done that to?
How many had Chiron sent off on quests only for them never to come back because they didn’t know what they needed to know??? Chiron isn’t this nice and friendly entity that genuinely cares about those kids. He is someone put in place by the gods to keep the powerful demigods who could possibly overthrow them if they were powerful enough and knew enough, under surveillance and under their control. This is also probably why, in the books, Chiron told Grover to not worry about bringing Annabeth and Luke to camp and only bring back Thalia. Because he believed that a mere daughter of Athena or Son of Hermes wouldn’t be powerful enough to overthrow the gods.
Chiron is not this great guy! He lies to the demigods so much and doesn’t seem to spare a second thought to what he’s doing.
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greenerteacups · 1 month
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What do you think as Hermione's career would be post battle of Hogwarts? To me her being minister for magic really doesn't make sense. She does not have patience or tact to wade through murky waters of politics 😭😭
So hard to say! The Trio are so, so young when we leave them, I find it almost impossible to project their futures farther than a few years out. The job that suited me at 17 would be radically unsuited to me now. That's why of all the Trio, Ron's ending strikes me as the most realistic — he jumps straight into the save-the-world business again, burns out, realizes he's actually Done The Fuck Enough, Thanks, and pivots into a low-stress career where he gets to see his family a lot. Feels accurate! The others are weirder to me because they do seem to just... pick a lane and stay there.
With Hermione, you could spin her a couple ways. You could say that she leans into her bookish side and does research or teaching, which is not my preference for a couple reasons (namely, I don't think Hermione would like academia as a profession; she finds her classwork interesting and enjoys intellectual validation, but she'd be stifled and wasted in a DPhil program, and she'd be infuriated by the administrative politicking of your average higher-ed faculty). You could say that she gets disaffected with politics and ends up as a barrister or a lobbyist of some kind, but if anything that requires more political finesse, because you don't actually have institutional power, you're just handling the people who make decisions and trying to persuade them of your goals. This is not Hermione's preferred method of influence. She's not even particularly good at persuasion, she just happens to be smart enough (and right often enough) that people take her ideas seriously.
Or you could say her brashness fades with the years into a softened flavor of tell-you-like-it-is honesty, which some politicians actually do successfully trade on; as we see in British politics today, you don't have to be all that charming or clever to get ahead, you just need to be really driven and well-connected (which Hermione completely is; she fought shoulder-to-shoulder with the first postwar Minister and her bestie, the Literal Messiah, runs the Auror Office.) But I don't know if Hermione especially wants to be Minister, after the war. She's just watched years of horrendous bureaucratic incompetence plunge the country into a violent civil conflict. She's had not one, but two Ministers of Magic try to bully or shame her friends into complicity with fascism. Her view of government is... likely extremely dark.
But Hermione also isn't the kind of person who sees her life as a quest for happiness. Babygirl has a savior complex that makes Harry look selfish. (She basically kills her parents — yeah, obliviating is a form of murder, #changemymind — "for their own good," and justifies every batshit, vindictive, mean-spirited move she ever pulls on the grounds that it "helps" one of her friends.) She is a mean, lean, dragon-slaying machine, and she needs a dragon. After Voldemort, the Ministry is the no. 1 threat to muggle-borns and non-wizarding Beings. As a war heroine with basically infinite political capital, I'd be surprised if she didn't try to do something there. That said, Hermione is so vivacious and dynamic that she could potentially grow in a hundred different directions; it's possible that all of this, while true of her at 18, becomes completely inaccurate by 22. That's why I'm not too fussed about any particular fanon interpretation.
#greenteacup asks#sidebar: I know Minister “of” Magic is an Americanism but mea culpa#Someday I might actually bite it and pay someone to britpick Lionheart but I can't do it now#because I have a ban on editing published fic unless it's finished. Otherwise I'll never get around to writing the actual ending#I have a Process#is it the best process? likely not! but it makes the words go. so here we are.#I also think the fact that JKR is Gen X makes a difference here. careers worked differently in the 80s and 90s than they do now#i.e. we have the gig economy and a lot more mobility and EXPECTATION of mobility in your early life#that means career changes & professional pivots through your 20s and 30s are increasingly normal#and in fact have always been normal — but the image of the 'true' or 'ideal' career has changed#so we look at those careers and go hm. really? none of them changed?#none of them even went to uni? do wizards... just not?#but again. I believe the epilogue was written almost completely without consideration as to what happened between the BOH and then#I really believe that JKR did not know what happened to Harry except a wedding and 3 kids. because that was the whole point#I don't think she even knew what his career was when she wrote that scene#It existed to marry everyone off and do a quick munchkin headcount#because of the understandable temptation as an author to keep your hand on the wheel. but it didn't even matter!#the epilogue changed NOTHING! it was the most useless chapter in the series! I just — GOD#you can absolutely accuse me of being sour grapes about my ships getting nixed. I AM sour grapes. I AM a hater.#AND I have plot/theme/craft reasons for disliking it.#I'm not objective. I just want credit for being a sophisticated hater. my grapes may be sour but they're still artisinal.
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reallyhardy · 2 months
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Sorry what’s up w the Ethan slater stuff? I know him only from your posts / SpongeBob stuff
HI HELLO please buckle in
yep -- the same guy from the spongebob musical, and my posts abut the spongebob musical.
he blew up completely and now the general public knows him as 'ariana grande's new boyfriend' - their relationship seems to have started off the back of co-starring in the upcoming wicked musical film adaptation.
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it's just been like. a monkey's paw curling sort of a way for him to get catapulted to fame, as i had always really enjoyed him as a performer (as spongebob, yes, but also in the other roles i'd seen him in,) and my biggest hope back around 2017 was that he would continue in and be really successful in theatre, get a lot of broadway roles, maybe take on some existing parts i thought he'd really suit, like seymour in little shop or ogie in waitress.......... but instead he booked the role of boq from wicked in a massive hollywood film production instead, where he met ariana grande. THE ariana grande.
and then yeah. at some point, he and grande broke up with their respective partners, (slater leaving both his wife AND newborn son) jumped into a new relationship, and now the whole wider internet knows who he is but certainly not for the right reasons.
there's been speculation regarding whether or not grande and slater had cheated on their previous partners before their relationship began with various sources coming out of the woodwork saying "yes they did" and others saying "no they didn't" -- humans are all perfectly capable of making stuff up, the media especially, so i simply don't know who to trust and i admit it had completely shattered my whole good impression of him - PLUS it gave the wider internet an absolutely awful first impression of him, resulting in, yeah, the (frankly, unflattering, sometimes downright cruel) memes of him popping up on twitter and, as i discovered yesterday, in non-theatre youtubers' videos who would literally never have heard of him if not for the slater-grande romance 🥲
FULL COVERAGE of the situation as it was happening can all be found on the lovely @notasimpleslater's blog under the tag 'ozgate' if you want to delve deeper!
#loren talks#ethan slater#months later let's call this my actual full response/reaction lol#i think at the time this was going down at the end of 2023 i was sort of just Freaking Out like my blood was boiling lol#i was parasocially furious with both of them#ofc now i do realise i'd put him on something of a pedestal#having seen his cute posts about his then wife an former childhood sweetheart plus posts welcoming his new son#AND having watched a youtube mini-series he'd made with his then-brother-in-law. i was SO invested and then.#i was like OH. he really DESTROYED his family huh.#but ofc! every situation is nuanced. we don't know what went on behind the scenes#wrg to his relationship. or what grande's was like with her ex-husband#since everything came to light there's been articles stating that slater wants to work with his ex-wife to share custody of their child#and that he's been spotted backstage WITH his son at spamalot on broadway (his current production)#so it sugggests he's not trying to be an Absent Father#which tracks with some of his own artwork as he and nick blaemire DID write a whole musical about the strained relationship between#a father and son and i just feel like. that suggests something about his personal character. and makes me HOPE he'd want to#be a present and loving parent regardless of circumstance.#anyways.#it's simply not my business BUT. seeing his face#popping up every now and again#it does just. feel extremely weird haha#there's a part of me that's like oh but that's musical spongebob my bestie what's he doing here#as for ariana i really have never had a strong opinion of her#but i have to say hearing her songs out and about these days...... :') i could do without it
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fawndlyvenus · 6 months
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So, I want to share something that’s been sitting in my brain since KinnPorsche the Series aired. I’m a person who loves seeing colors and their meanings in the media I consume, as well as seeing how those colors connect to characters and become like a calling card for them. And oh boy does KPTS do that often. And one thing I’ve seen over and over again is that when Pete is on screen, – and somehow Vegas is involved – the color green appears.
In either lighting, clothing, and/or background items/decorations. And yes, green lighting is shown in scenes where neither is involved, or just Vegas, but it’s most common with Pete.
The meal that Vegas barges in on at the main home where Pete is present? Green lighting.
Pete in the car with the condoms and Vegas? Green lighting.
Pete snooping in the minor home and getting caught? Green shutters and Vegas in a green robe.
Pete being tortured? Green lighting.
Pete in the safe house? Green lighting.
Pete afterwards in the tub after his escape? Green lighting.
Vegas when he is pretty much confessing to Porsche about his feelings for Pete and swearing he’ll keep him safe no matter what? Green silk shirt.
Now, I know what you’re saying, “This sounds almost like Vegas is the green color.” Or “Well green can mean this thing, so it’s not really connected to Pete.” And yes, you are probably correct, but this is where it gets interesting. (Also this is just my personal take. So anything else is also valid.)
We know how Pete is as a character, right? Well look at what we find when we look at the color green:
“Green is a very down–to–earth color. It can represent new beginnings and growth. It also signifies renewal and abundance. Alternatively, green can also represent envy or jealousy, and a lack of experience. In spiritual terms, the color green implies beginnings, new growth, vibrant health, and other ideas connected with life, rebirth, and renewal.”
Now, does some of that sound familiar? These are all things that you can tie to Pete. Down-to-earth, lack of experience (you all know), beginnings, new growth, rebirth/renewal, and even envy or jealousy (from what I’ve seen people talk about how Pete felt about Porsche at certain points.) These are parts of Pete and his journey throughout KPTS.
Even more interesting is when you look into green in terms of love:
“What does the color green mean in love?
Green is the color of the heart chakra, symbolizing love to others, forgiveness, compassion, understanding, transformation, warmth, sharing, sincerity and devotion.”
Now tell me that isn’t Pete’s love for others, but especially Vegas. That’s basically how Pete loves Vegas down to the letter in the series.
But let’s also look at Vegas while we’re here. So I know most of the fandom pins Vegas’ color as red (I do too) and when you go back and look at certain scenes (the torture and safe house scenes for example) you see both colors. And the show almost always seems to add the red once Vegas enters, and even frames them accordingly to their colors. So of course we have to look at that.
Now what’s interesting is red and green are opposites, yet complimentary colors on the color wheel. One could almost say two things that are the same yet different. (Yes, I am implying Vegas and Pete being similar, yet different right now.) But let’s take an even closer look at the colors and what they represent when compared to each other:
“Red is a color of vigor and energy. It represents passion, urgency and grabs instant attention. It can also cause you to feel hunger, which is why it is used in food and beverage logos.” Now who does this sound like? Grabs instant attention, vigor and energy, but above all else causing you to feel hunger?
“Since red is the color of blood, it has historically been associated with sacrifice, danger, and courage. Modern surveys in Europe and the United States show red is also the color most commonly associated with heat, activity, passion, sexuality, anger, love, and joy.” And now we bring blood, danger, sacrifice, passion, sexuality, anger, love, and joy into the mix as well? Seems pretty spot on with Vegas.
“Green, on the other hand, is a color of peace, rejuvenation, nature, cleanliness, and fertility.” So when compared to red, green is its opposite: bringing peace, a rebirth of some sorts, and cleanliness (like washing away the sins of your past perhaps?). But also note how some similarities still are there.
Now one last look at the colors. I feel like this one is the big kicker for these two, and really sells Pete as green, and Vegas as Red: “Green speaks to our desire to foster understanding and acceptance between people and to see the potential value and goodness of each person. Green does not represent the color of love on the level of passion between two people. Throughout history, red has been the color of passion, romance, and sexual energy.”
That to me is Pete. If nothing else, that is Pete as a character and how you see him in his time at the safe house. He tries over and over to understand Vegas, see the value and goodness in him, as well as acceptance for who he is and of his past. You can even boil it down to just how Pete is as a person and how he loves/cares for people in general.
And when we look at the love on a romantic or just simply passion level, we see how Vegas and Pete are different. Vegas – like most people in his family – loves people to obsession. Once he loves you, he will do anything for you. He cannot and will not let anything or anyone harm Pete. He brings the intensity and sexual energy that we never really get from Pete. Pete loves in a more nurturing and compassionate way. Vegas comes in like a fire, whereas Pete comes in like a gentle rain on a summer day.
But when they two come together (look at me bringing things back around again) they compliment each other, and both take from one another. Pete learns to be more rage and heat. Finds that hunger and passion that he never had before. Finds the love and sexuality that he never explored or was aware of in his life.
Vegas cools down some of his heat and rage, and brings in the compassion and understanding of others (even if we only get to see it briefly with people like Porsche and Pete.) And we even see him entering his rebirth right before he gets shot and afterwards. Him finding that peace and devotion. That warmth and his own love that he never had before.
Red and green are two colors that work perfectly (again, in my opinion) for these two as “their colors”, but also to give us more depth and insight into two characters who didn’t get as much time and development as others. Complimentary, yet opposites. The same, yet different. Two people that you would never expect to come together, yet are soulmates through and through for one another.
One ruby heart, now speckled with beautiful emeralds. One lush and green heart, now blooming beautiful red blossoms.
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gonzofromspace · 9 months
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i am a simple dude. i see any depiction of the complexities of mother-daughter relationships on screen, i have a lil cry.
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an-inky-fingered-lass · 4 months
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be the stillness of the moon
An alternate version of my fic, whistling static when the young learn to fly. Rated T.
Read on ao3.
He found her out on the porch, back against one of the cabin walls and one knee tugged to her chest.
Hunch proving true, Coulson snagged a familiar, heavy woolen blanket on his way out and eased the door open, letting it squeak just the slightest bit.
“Hey.”
May was staring off into the distance, the slope of her shoulders letting him know she’d heard and acknowledged his presence. She was still in pajamas, the soft, worn fabric not nearly warm enough for this kind of chill.
Phil made his way over carefully and settled down onto the wooden bench, noisy steps and his shoulders soft and easy. “May.”
“Wanted to see the sky.”
Her voice came out just below a murmur, but Coulson exhaled quietly -- relief and surprise both.
“One of those nights, huh.”
It took a long second, but she nodded. Coulson slouched comfortably, wedged his shoulder against the wooden slats of the cabin. Their cabin.
“How long’ve you been out here?” It was light, but the edge of concern appeared without his permission. It was alright.
May just shook her head.
She’d been off the last few days, snappish or a different sort of silent than usual. He’d kept an eye out but let her be, knowing she would bring whatever it was up if she needed to, and also that sometimes all he could do for her was give her the time and space she needed to deal in her own time, her own ways.
It had been months now, settling into this little cabin and building the kind of peacefulness he’d barely ever dared to imagine; enough time for him to recover his strength somewhat, for that barely perceptible air of tightly wound exhaustion that had surrounded May for years to begin to dissipate. They’d been able to start settling in, building the routines that they both, May especially, needed.
So much of it still felt new. They had thirty years between them, plenty of those spent living in close quarters and through the kind of hard years that taught you the most about a person, but it was still…different, when it was just their four walls; a smaller space, none of the responsibilities that had been a distraction and a stressor and a sanctuary all at once.
He’d gotten to hear May laugh, really laugh, for the first time in so long. He felt more like himself now than he had in years, settled and steady in his own mind and skin. They were still bound to have bad days. Always had, even back when they’d been barely more than kids, only beginning to learn what it would mean to live the life they’d chosen. May was still so used to shouldering everything on her own, and despite contrived appearances to the contrary, Phil actually sucked rather magnificently at the whole talking about it thing. They were working on it, like they were on everything else. It was still hard, sometimes.
“Wanna tell me what’s up?”
“You don’t have to stay,” May said quietly. “I’ll be fine in the morning.”
Okay, not an answer, but not a no, go away either. The fact that she wasn’t claiming to be fine now said…a lot.
“I’d like to, though.”
May blinked at him, genuinely surprised.
“If that’s okay?”
It took another moment, but she nodded. Phil tapped the blanket in his lap, drawing her attention to it, before he lifted it up, gave it a flap and wrapped it carefully around her shoulders. She had too many old injuries to be out in this kind of cold, and the weight would help. “You in pain?”
He saw her hesitate, falter. They’d had the be honest talk a few weeks ago, both of them equally as bad about powering through pain when they no longer needed to. It had taken May literally collapsing on her bad leg after pushing it for weeks for that to happen.
“Some,” May said finally, and Phil breathed out another little bit of worry. “Just stiff. I’ll take care of it later.”
Phil gave the blanket another pointed flick until she bundled herself up more securely, a little of the tension bleeding off her shoulders as she did. They had a few hot water bottles bundled up in one of the kitchen cupboards. He doubted she’d be up for a massage any time soon, but he could go dig those out in a bit, boil some water. As much as he wanted to, he knew better than to suggest going inside just yet.
The stars were bright, this far away from any light pollution. May loved it out here, despite the cold, the endless depth of the sky stretching on and on and on. Phil squinted habitually at his watch (he wasn’t wearing one) and then up at the moon, digging up rusty memories and figuring about three a.m., the angle of the waning crescent.
Pine was sweet in the air. It was still so easy to remember a world cracked apart. Phil swallowed against swelling relief, not for the first time, the reminder of more than he could have ever wished for.
May exhaled softly, letting something go. Phil took the cue and broke the silence, taking a leap.
“You went to see Robin and Polly today?”
May shook her head. “Didn’t go. Drove halfway there and turned around. I called Polly to apologize, made up some excuse, I don’t know.”
Oh. “You didn’t say anything.”
“Couldn’t.”
Phil took a slow breath, making sure he would sound the way he wanted to. “Daisy’s not upset with you, you know.”
There was a long, trembling pause. May’s voice was quiet, when she finally spoke. “She has every right to be. It was stupid of me to yell.”
Their pseudo-daughter (when had it gotten so easy to think of her like that?) was sound asleep in the little room off the hall (officially declared hers whenever she wanted it), here to stay with them the two weeks until Mack called her in to report for her new team’s first official mission. May had come home struggling, hiding it well enough that even he’d missed it at first, and it had been over…nothing, really. Daisy had stared after May’s retreating back with nothing but concern, reading the real reasons for her old mentor’s sudden lashing out in her rigid stride, the harsh lines of her back and shoulders. She knew May so much better than Phil thought either of them realized, these days.
He took another breath, still tempering his tone. “Stupid is the idea that you don’t deserve to be loved.”
May actually startled, turning around to stare at him with a look that tried its hardest to be a glare but fell quite a ways short. “I…what?”
Phil shrugged, keeping the movement gentle and easy despite the ache pulling tight in his chest. “C’mon, May. It’s not like I don’t have some idea of what’s going through your head. But it’s stupid. And I’ll keep saying so ‘til you believe me.”
“This isn’t about…” May closed her eyes with a growl, letting her head thud back against the paneled walls. “I don’t know how to do this, Phil.”
“Do what?”
“Live. Like this. Just be, I don’t know, a person. ”
“May…”
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” May turned to stare at him, implacable. “I’m not the person I want to be, not… I’m working on it, but it’s not worth it if I’m hurting you— if I’m hurting everyone along the way.”
Phil shook his head, bewildered. “Where is this coming from?”
May just shook her head.
“Is this about--”
“It’s not about anything,” May snapped. He just blinked at her. There’d been no real heat in it.
May shook her head and looked away, propping an elbow on her good knee and letting her shoulders slump, palm bracing her forehead. Phil could feel her retreating, slipping farther and farther away.
He sighed and scooted closer before he could think for too long about it, rubbing a hand softly up and down the length of her spine. May wasn’t tense, didn’t flinch. Phil exhaled softly.
“Hey.”
May leaned slowly against him, her head still bowed, and he shifted to better settle her weight against his shoulder, breathing gentle and steady.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
He shook his head, knowing she could feel it. “What’s eating at you?”
It’d been so long that the unspoken things just kind of spoke for themselves. May’s snappishness over the past few days hadn’t been the kind of snappish she got when she was pissed about something -- this sort of scattered lapse in control was the exact opposite of shutting down, of keeping everything contained the way she was wont to do. She was doing her best to let him in now because she was in a place to accept support without depending on it, because grounded and self-reliant when it came to emotional stability had always been May at her happiest.
The kind of trust in the trying had carried them through more hells than he could count. It’d been a constant in his life for so long. He’d never taken it for granted. It still meant the world.
She was on the side of the hand he could feel, and the blanket was soft under his palm as he rubbed careful circles over her back.
“I walked the perimeter,” May muttered at last, muffled. Phil just nodded. He’d noticed the mud earlier, caking her boots.
“Checked all the weapons, the locks, the go-bags. Just sat there taking the gun apart, putting it back together. I haven’t gotten like this since that stupid detail in the Alps, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Too stressed,” Phil offered softly. The frustration in May’s scoff came through loud and clear.
“With what. ”
They were opposites, in this respect. He needed time to unwind if he didn’t want to start losing his mind, always had been that way. That was why field command hadn’t bothered him, why Director would have always been a little bit miserable. The weight of it all, he’d learned a long time ago how to carry.
May could handle anything while she was in the middle of it, would take the weight of anything and somehow still manage to stay centered, steady. It was once things slowed down that she’d get wound tighter and tighter, frustration usually the first thing to break the dam. She’d never really thought that was a valid reason to struggle, either. May knew all of it, and still thought she ought to be better than all things that made her human.
“Too much, too soon?”
May scoffed harder.
“What happened today?”
“Nothing. That’s the point.”
Phil just waited.
May straightened a little, after a while, pulling away and scrubbing her hands over her face. She looked away for another long moment.
“Nothing happened. It's just me.” The anger there was a clear mask, now, something heavier underneath. Bitterness?
He stayed quiet long enough to be sure she wasn’t planning to say anything else just yet. “Kiddo loves you, Mel.”
May looked more tired than ever, looking back at him.
“She misses you, wants to spend time with you. There’s no version of that where it’s a bad thing.”
There was another long silence. Phil kept quiet until he felt the air start to unravel, the weight slowly dissipating. May grappled silently with herself, motionless at his side.
He could feel the moment she decided to speak. May didn’t look at him, the words just barely there.
“I see myself hurting her.” Pause. “You. Daisy.”
Phil made a soft sound before he could stop himself. May shook her head in response without looking up.
“I know. I know it’s just… there’s no meaning to it. It’s not… but I…
“There’s nothing to fight here,” May said softly, as close to helpless as she ever let herself sound. “Just…”
“Yourself,” Phil said softly.
May nodded. “And that’s what I wanted. I need that, need to deal with… but I’m no good to be around like this.”
“What if we want to, though?”
May just looked at him, frustrated and desolate. After a split second the look vanished; she was unreadable to him, for a moment, blank.
“May. There’s nothing you could do that would make us-- make me want you far away,” he said quietly, steady, and watched the mask begin to crack. “If you need some air, some time to yourself-- that’s different. But, May, nothing is going to make me want to give up on this. I don’t want anything more than to see you happy.”
He watched her swallow, struggle a second to speak and then decide against it.
“We need you,” he said gently, because he was trying to say, do you understand how much you are loved? and sometimes that was the version of it May understood best. “Me, Daisy. We all do. You are so loved, Melinda, you know that?”
May pressed the heels of her hands hard into her eyes for a second, dropping her hands back into her lap as she lifted her head to stare out at the night.
“I love you,” Phil said, and watched the tears well up, the way May closed her eyes tight. “Melinda, hey. Look at me?”
She did, finally, and he reached out to cup her cheek with the hand he could feel, wiping away the tears trickling down her face. May had been fighting this for so long, but now she just looked at him, unblinking and vulnerable, her hands folded together in her lap.
“You’re gonna be able to hear it without crying,” Phil said quietly. “Even on bad days. It’ll take time, probably, but we have time, okay?”
It hadn’t been a hard thing for her to say, the first time. She’d just waited for the right moment. None of that was a surprise, once he’d gotten his wits back enough to stop gaping in the hall like an idiot. He needed words, sometimes, to understand, so that was what she’d given him.
It was still different when it came to herself. It wasn’t hatred May carried for herself any more, hadn’t been for a while; there’d been a quiet morning and a good hike and in far fewer words she’d told him that much herself. It wasn’t quite peace yet, either, but in so many ways it was forgiveness. He’d watched her fight for it for years, these hard-won inches of kindness, had realized a while ago that that was something he still needed to learn for himself.
May’s strength had never begun or ended at her ability to beat people to a pulp. That had never been the part he was in awe of.
Thing is, strength has never been known to make anything any easier -- not unless you’re moving house with a grand piano. It’s just a promise you’ll make it through.
“It’s okay,” Phil said, steady. It wasn’t so gentle, this time. Melinda needed certainty almost always more than she ever needed gentleness; he’d never entirely gotten over the surprise of realizing that was something he could give her. “You’re not alone, alright? We’re here. We have time.”
They’d lived so many lives, so many years spent choosing the world over theirs. Years of sacrifice, years sacrificed. They were never getting any of that back, but this was still a gift. Nothing had ever felt so much like hope to him as it did to be able to say that so easily -- we have time.
May didn’t say a word, but she leaned forwards to press her forehead into his shoulder, one arm reaching out to hold on tight.
He held her until she stopped shaking, until her breathing settled back to steady.
After a long time, May pulled away, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. Eyes red, she managed to look disgruntled enough that Phil had to bite back a laugh.
“Lighter?” he suggested gently.
May grumbled. “Headache.”
She’d hated to cry since he’d known her. Claimed she had since she was a kid, that it always just left her feeling worse than before, wrung out. He’d said lighter because he could hear it, though, the edge of strain gone from the way she breathed whether or not she’d admit it. He would never manage to explain to her the relief it was, May allowing herself to unravel this far without so much of the old pain behind her eyes, him being able to just hold her without any terror gripping at his chest, so he didn’t try.
They sat there in silence for a few long, slow moments. Once the sense of ease had settled, Phil got to his feet, holding out a hand.
“Stars’ll be there tomorrow,” he said with a little grin, as May blinked up at him. “We need to sleep, Mel.”
May hesitated, but grabbed his hand. She didn’t wobble, as she stood up, but she didn’t quite succeed at hiding a wince, either. They wrapped arms around each other, familiar movements (except now they were just old, not recently injured), and made their way a little creakingly towards the door.
And paused, just inside the threshold.
A lamp was alight. Daisy’s dim outline was at the stove, but they could see her grin as she turned round at them, visibly chewing over potential remarks and discarding most of them.
“Morning,” she landed on, cheekily, and he heard May groan, struggling to extricate herself from her blanket and his steadying arm without the considerable indignity of toppling over.
“Why are you awake.”
“Were we too quiet?” Phil asked, grinning back at their girl.
“Mm-hm.”
May limped over towards the little counter and Daisy moved to meet her, holding out a mug and a hot water bottle. May accepted both.
“I’m sorry,” Phil heard her say, quietly, as he made his way over to sprawl over the couch. Daisy’s answering tone was soft, genuinely warm.
“S’all good, May. I know… but I think I know what you were trying to get at, maybe. We can talk about it later?”
May nodded. Phil smiled a little at the relief bleeding off her shoulders. She couldn’t exactly reciprocate, with both hands full of recently boiled liquid in various forms, but she leaned into it, when Daisy wrapped her in a brief hug. The look that passed between them said more than words ever could. Daisy’s smile was soft, as she pulled away, and that was that.
“AC?”
He grinned up at her as she came over, delivering another mug. Over at the counter, May braced herself against the scrubbed wood and took a sip from her own, looking up with one eyebrow raised.
“Bitter.”
From May, that was the highest compliment a mug (or a maker) of hot cocoa could receive. Daisy grinned over at her.
Phil took a sip in his turn, and wow. “Bitter,” he agreed. He figured he sounded only a little bit dismayed. He caught the pointed look May sent him. Not a little, then.
“Good.”
Daisy edged very obviously away, gathering up a mug of her own. “Uh. Don’t taste mine.”
May eyed her for a second. And lunged.
Daisy yelped, evading; May feinted neatly (Phil recognized the move and grinned) and wound up with two mugs in her hands, Daisy flailing. “May-- ”
They’d figured before that Daisy still couldn’t outclass May when it came down to raw speed, not in this case without quaking either her or the cocoa -- how that was still true given the amount of pain May’s stance said she was in, he didn’t know, but neither of them had spilled a drop. Phil just sighed. May took a sip.
“Daisy --”
“It’s just a little sugar-- ”
“This is not a little --”
“I’m young, my metabolism can handle it--”
“It’s the middle of the night--” May stopped. Glared. “Are you calling me old.”
“Nope!” Daisy said, as brightly as humanly possible. “Never! C’mon, it’s almost morning, mom, it’s like a once a year thing, we’re already up, you need to get warm, c’mon drink yours and gimmie!”
Mom. No one so much as blinked. May might have maybe handed over the mug with less grumbling than she otherwise would have. Maybe. Phil grinned to himself when he saw her scrub at her eyes behind Daisy’s back, just out of the corner of his eye.
“You’re coming on a run with me tomorrow.”
“Sure.” Daisy bundled towards her, herding towards the sofa. “First you need to get off your feet, sit, please, you’re freezing.”
They wound up all bundled up on the sofa together, sipping mugs of cocoa and tangled up in all the blankets in the house. Phil started telling stories, because there was cocoa and why not, dredging up some Daisy had never heard before and that May would have grumbled at, at length, on almost any other day.
Daisy’s ringing laughter filled every corner. The world closed in around them, just for a little while, a little circle of warmth, safety. Family.
May just listened, leaning against him again with Daisy’s head on her shoulder, eyes soft and content.
She was the only one of them who hadn’t gotten any sleep at all, but it was Daisy who dozed off first, her cheek still on May’s shoulder and no tension at all between her brows. May lifted her mug into the coffee table and slipped a pillow beneath her cheek but otherwise wouldn’t move, hands feather-light as they brushed a strand of Daisy’s hair gently out of her eyes. Her eyes were wet again, but she just looked at him, aching and steadfast in the darkness, the gentle light of a waxing moon.
They didn’t say a word. They didn’t have to.
They would all wake up the next morning groaning, lower backs yelling obscenities and Daisy’s neck stiff from being bent at a near-right angle for far too long. For the few hours of darkness remaining, they all slept peacefully.
May awoke with the first rays of sunlight, blinking her eyes open to find her family huddled comfortably around her, upturned faces washed in gold.
They were at peace, safe and warm. All of them bore ghosts in their shadows, stubborn and lingering; some things would still hurt, come morning. Light tumbled shyly through the window, growing in strength until it sprawled, defiant, into every corner of the room.
The day was going to be beautiful. May exhaled, soft and slow.
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kirbyddd · 1 year
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#school rumble#i could write an essay on it#actually i have#one of the most powerful stories ever written gah it drives me crazy that it comes in such a strange package#the story so powerful the animation team rejected the manga's bs to give the characters the finale they deserved#even though they were forced to retcon it in the final 2 episodes to push for another season#literally they just end the story on episode 19 and hard pivot to movie parody skits/vacation specials for the rest of the episodes#it's magical#until the episode 25 does the ''ohhh nooo they forgot the whole thing and put us right back where we started uh oh whoops''#''awww looks like we're gonna have to have another season''#literally#anyway if i ever start feeling emotions im probably going to start school rumble posting and never stop#schoolrum's so stupid you can only appreciate it emotionally#it's not like nichijou where theres still all this artistry and richness you can still engage with if youre cut off heartwise#i didnt even have emotions when i first watched it but it was still powerful enough to make a visceral impact#but at this point im just too far gone i need a bit of heartspace before i can have any chance of actually registering any of it again#<- finally caved and posted a schoolrum rant after like 5 and a half years on here#its the kind of series that lurks forgotten for years at a time#until one day it jumps out and grabs you and refuses to let go until you rewatch it again#best dub in history btw you didnt know english localization and voice acting could be this good#knocks the original japanese out of the park and truly ties everything together#nichijou japanese and school rumble english are the two best animation dubs of all time
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