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lovingmattysposts · 5 months

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Love Never Is

pairing: y/n and Matt sturniolo

summary: Love is never what it seems. It's not like the books or novels. It's not a simple as it seems. But she doesn't believe in love anyways so it's nothing something she has to worry about. That is until she falls into it and it gets ripped away from her. The love is real, painfully real.

warnings: sad af. angst, mentions of depressing stuff.

i put my HEART and SOUL into this please read it all the way through even though its long. AGAIN thank you for the love, love you all

xoxo Autumn as always

“then maybe we should just break up!”

Frozen in time. A sentence you never thought you’d hear fall from him mouth, but as you walked home you couldn’t stop hearing it ring in the back of your mind.

You didn’t allow yourself to cry in front of him, not wanting to show your true emotions on the subject of breaking up. If that’s what he wanted, you do it. Because you loved him.

To selfishly and embarrassingly cry in front of him was just something that you didn’t allow your body to do.

“Is that what you want?”

He stayed silent looking down at the ground, down at his shoes. You turned your head at his silence letting his words truly sink into your veins. Feeling the power of them washing over you like bullets on skin.

It was horrible.

“Yeah maybe”

You nodded looking towards your feet. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair. You were suppose to be in love. Things weren’t suppose to be hard. You were suppose to be happy. Why was this happening?

Looking down at you soaked tennis shoes in the puddles of rain, you questioned everything he’s ever said. Every time he said that he loved you. Every time he kissed you until you both erupted into fits of laughter.

Was it even real?

You guys never fought, but you never thought the first fight would end up like this.

Fighting back the urge to ask him if he even loved you anymore was almost too impossible to bear, so instead you didn’t say anything else and left. The worst part about it all was that he didn’t try to stop you.

He let you leave, because after all that’s what he wanted. Even if it killed you, you were at his mercy. You would do anything he asked you to, even if that meant to walk away.

Matt looked up as he heard you start to walk out after you didn’t respond. His mind screamed at him don’t let her walk out, but his feet didn’t move. He stayed frozen in time.

He didn’t even know how the fight happened. One minute you were laughing the next minute you were screaming at each other like you weren’t the couple everyone wished they were.

But Matt was never into putting on the show for the public. Sure everyone had their own ideas of what you two were, if any of it was even real. But he didn’t care to prove them right or wrong because if he just had you at the end of the day, that was enough.

You were always enough.

You were gentle and kind. You never raised your voice. You were patient with him, even in times when he was acting like a child. So when you walked out, that was the last thing he ever expected you to do.

Without another word.

Without even trying to fight him.

You just left.

The slamming of the door is something that was ringing in his mind. As he stood in the kitchen staring at the door waiting for you to walk back in, but you didn’t. And he didn’t understand why.

I guess this was unmarked territory. He had never said anything like this before, and especially not this harshly to you. He loved you. He never spoke to you this way.

The thing that broke him the most is that you let him.

He didn’t know how long he stood there but it was long enough before the door started to open again. His eyes still trained on the door, he stepped forward. Ready to apologize. Ready to take it all back. To tell you he was sorry. And that he loved you.

But it wasn’t you.

It was Chris and Nick laughing and talking to each other as they walked through the doorway having no idea what just unfolded in the kitchen moments before. Well, what felt like moments. By now, from the sun now being fully set, it has been hours he stood there waiting for you to come back.

There had been words screamed between to people so deeply in love that were never meant to be spoken. There was ashes on the floor that was once their relationship that Chris and Nick were now walking into.

Matt’s eyes stayed on his brother and they looked to him. Their laughs halting when they saw their brothers face. He looked torn to shreds.

“Matt?”

Tears fell from his eyes from the sound of his name being called. He didn’t even feel like Matt. He didn’t feel like himself. He felt destroyed. He was nothing without you, what was he thinking?

They rushed over to him as he fell to the ground in sobs. Asking him over and over what happened, but all he could do was shake his head.

You’d never had your heartbroken before. You read about in books, seen it in movies, and even had some close friends go through what you thought was the worst.

You’d memorized love stories as a kid, learning the in and outs of what makes love, love. Studying it harder than any lesson in school. It fascinated you. Seeing how people can be simply change front the feeling of another human being, just simply loving you.

That’s what first drew you into to the science major. Seeing the chemical engineering of it all, of what makes one fall so deeply in love?

Most of it being unexplained, but other parts being feelings of euphoria being released by the brain in chemical forms of dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. Which can occur simply by looking at the one you love.

All though you’ve studied countless hours trying to figure out what makes someone fall in love, you never really truly believed in it.

You wanted to. Oh, you wanted to so badly. But to never have experienced it, made it hard for you to truly believe in it.

Because as wonderful as love had been taught to you at an early age, you knew the dark side of it. The fights, the cheating, the breaking up. You didn’t understand how someone who you could once love, you could cheat on or break up with.

Which made you circle back to square one in your research when you thought about that factor. You didn’t believe that you wouldn’t cheat on someone if you loved them. Because you felt that sometimes you could cheat on someone and still love them in one way or another.

Knowing you had that person at home, didn’t mean you didn’t find another attractive. Your father had cheated on your mother, but they stayed together. That didn’t mean he didn’t love her.

He tried the rest of his life to win her back at the peek of your childhood, which he ultimately failed. But he never was once seen with another women, because he loved her so deeply.

You believed humans were flawed whether they showed it or not. You didn’t think this theory justified cheating, or made it right in any manner whatsoever. Seeing how destroyed you mother was after once being so deeply in love with your father.

You just thought this meant love was more complicated that it is portrayed in story books or fairytales. You could go your entire life loving someone and never be able to have them.

You called it the ugly side of love.

The side no one talked about. The torn pages of love stories that no one wants to read.

And you didn’t blame them.

No one wants to read how the prince looked at the mistress while his wife was handing right there. They want to read about how they danced at the hall and how he found her missing slipper.

Studies after studies, you never found the answer to your questions. You knew everything about love, everything you could read, but you didn’t know the full story.

You had feelings of euphoria in your life, but euphoria didn’t mean love. You dance with a boy at your middle school dance, you liked his smile, but you weren’t in love.

You first kiss under the bleachers freshman year with the star quarterback, he had nice lips, but you weren’t in love.

You were missing the key factor, which was actually experiencing it. Your mother suggested that if your nose wasn’t in your study books you’d actually have time to look up and fall in love.

So that’s what you did. You put the books down and looked up. Just in time to catch wondering blue eyes.

What you didn’t know then that you are starting to realize now is that you had spent your whole life looking and dreaming of love and what it really is, that you had opened your entire heart up the first time you fell into it.

A lot of people argue that you can fall in love with multiple people throughout you lifetime, even falling out of love with some from the past. And maybe that’s true but that’s not what you believed.

You think that you could love many people, because you did. But falling in love, to your definition, only happened once. The deep sickening feeling of falling at 100 miles per hour, not even caring if you hit the ground. That, only happened once.

You also thought ‘love at first sight’ was bullshit. You cannot love someone without knowing them, truly knowing them. A glance in someone’s direction isn’t going to make you fall out of your chair and fall into love.

If anything, with your entire life revolving around your studies of love. It only made you more skeptical of it all in the first place. You wanted so badly to fall in love, that you thought you had mentally blocked yourself from allowing it to happen to you unknowingly.

You didn’t fall in love with him at first.

You thought he was too sarcastic. His eyes were too blue, and his flirting abilities were laughable.

It was his persistence that made you fall in love with him. The way he looked at you. The way he cared about whatever you had to say. The little things he remembered about you.

No one talked about how falling in love way scary. Maybe because no one thought like you did. No one did the research that you did. Everyone else was going along falling in love for the night, if that meant they could feel something.

But you we’re different. And he saw that in you. Which only made him fall in love with you faster.

You were terrified. You remembered the exact moment you fell in love with him. And no it wasn’t because he found you ‘perfect fitting slipper’ or flew across the country to kiss you ‘one last time’. Or anything like you read in the novels.

You in his living room. You’d been dating a few months at this point. He was half asleep, laying above next you, you feet sprawled out on his lap. The movie was almost over and he agreed to let want pride and prejudice for the 50th time.

It was your favorite movie, and he knew that. So almost every night he sucked it up and sat there and would watch it with you over and over.

As he dowsed off the sleep, you thought about that. As you whispered almost every line in the movie to yourself. You knew every line by this point. You looked over at him as the main characters confessed their love to one another.

You always thought that part was too cheesy. You always thought Darcy was an idiot and didn’t treat Elizebeth Bennett right, but they loved each other in their own way.

So you looked over at Matt, while they spoke on the screen in front of you. Trying to escape the unrealistic love story to look at your own.

His eyes were closed and his chest as rising and lowering softly with his breathes. You’d think he was asleep but his hands were on your feet, rubbing them softly as he tried not to fall asleep.

You looked over as one hand was placed, soothing your foot and the other was on you knee rubbing small circles.

You heart clenched when you realized.

You had fallen in love with him.

A stupid small act that came tumbling over every realization that your brain had hidden from view, all falling in front of your eyes. You loved him.

The bone chilling, falling at 100 miles per hour. terrifying love. It was him.

The scariness of it all didn’t fade until a month later. You didn’t want to ruin this for yourself by scaring away, because losing him meant a whole lot more now to you than it did a month ago.

He just had no idea.

To bring you that you had fallen in love, to you was almost scarier than realizing you had fallen into it in the first place.

So you waited. Until he said it first. Because the thought of saying it to early and scaring him away wouldn’t be worth the downfall.

Matt never thought too much about love, not nearly as half as much as she did. But that didn’t mean he cared about it any less.

He thought that two people liked it each other enough to get married and comfortable and it was easy. He learned quickly it was not easy.

Not everyone was as tender hearted as him. There were mean girls out there who only wanted him for one thing. He learned that lesson quickly.

So he went from open heart to a closed down bunker in a matter of a couple years with a few bad experiences. He’d even got worse than his brother Chris.

Granted, Chris had never had a relationship before. He thought they were stupid. Matt being the more kind hearted one of the group he was open to dating and talking to girl, even though his anxiety ate him alive over it.

Burned one harsh time, and it was over for him.

He never understood the concept of cheating. He thought “just break up with them if you want to be with someone else”. He thought everyone thought that way, that everyone thought just like him.

He learned quickly he was wrong in high school when he came into the locker room early for practice and saw one of his teammates making out with his girlfriend.

He didn’t understand the physical pain of it. He thought, yeah cheating sucks. But the heart dropping, can’t sleep, sickening feeling. He learned the hard way.

He didn’t love the girl, but he really liked her. And she spit in his face.

Years later he was still turned off completely to the thought of falling in love. Didn’t occur to him, it was the absolute last thing on his mind. He was more concerned with growing his business, making memories with his brothers, and the overall happiness of his well-being. He didn’t need a girl or any kind of love to make that happen for him.

Love wasn’t a quintessential need in life, it was luxury. A luxury he wasn’t going to roll the dice for. He was fine just how he was. He didn’t need anything else.

That was until her.

He didn’t know why he felt the need to talk to her that day. He never went out of his way to socialize with people especially with a schedule as packed as his. He quite literally had 10 minutes to go in grab a coffee and speed to his next meeting.

But she kept looking at him. And it wasn’t in a way that made him think she knew who he was. She looked almost curious. She was reading “the language of birds”.

He sat to himself in the line thinking, “who the hell read about birds?”. He paused as he gripped his coffee and had one hand pressed on the glass door, reading to push it open and continue on with his day to forget about the bird girl in the coffee shop.

But something stopped him. He felt almost a draw to her. He felt stupid even thinking it. A draw to her? Like some force of gravity pulling me towards her? This isn’t a movie, this is real life.

He thought he was stupid, just having an off day. But he turned around walking up to her. She looked up at him through her book, setting it down peering up at him.

She had beautiful long lashes and glossed lips and eyes that sank into his so much it made him lose confidence.

“Birds?” He asked, the only thing that was able to come out of his mouth. Her eyebrows furrowed as she chewed on her gloss lips. What the hell is he talking about? She thought. He looked down to the book in her hands.

the language of birds

She blinked down at her book, feeling her face light up. “Right—“ she said shaking her head and closing her book. He smiled at her embarrassment. Not that he was happy she was embarrassed, but it allowed him to be less nervous at her reaction to him.

She shook her head. “It’s not about birds” she said not looking up at him. His eyebrows furrowed. She glanced up at him. She sighed and closed her eyes.

“I mean it is but—“ she shook her head as he chuckled slightly at her. She smiled and blinked up at him, licking her lips slightly. Making his eyes trail down to her lips and then back up to her eyes.

“It more about their journey in life when they are away from their king, and how they manage their emotions in finding themselves when they are not with the person who told them what to do and think. They travel around looking for him once they realized they are lost, but then realize they find something more powerful on their own—“ she said scanning the book like she’s never seen it before.

I just smiled down at her as she rambled on. She glanced up at me finally. “Sorry” she apologized shaking her head. I shook my head pursuing my lips as I sat down across from her. She just watched me as he face slightly softened.

“What did they find?” He asked looking at her with a smile smile. She just blinked at me for a second. “What?” She said barley above a whisper. He pointed towards the book in her hand.

“The birds. What did they find?” He asked again, making her breath out. “Oh—right. They found that they are powerful in themselves. That they don’t need someone to tell them what to think and they realized they could do it on their own, they just had to be apart to figure it out” she finished setting the book down in front of her.

He couldn’t stop smiling at her. He had never heard someone talk the way she did. So elegantly, but so unsure. Like she knew what she was talking about, but she was embarrassed to admit knowing anything at all.

“How do you know you’re only half way through” He pointed out her book-marker only half way in between the pages of the lengthy book. She glanced down and shrugged.

“It’s one of my favorites, it’s like my fifth time reading it” she admitted. He nodded slowly. She just looked at him. Like he was a foregin creature getting ready to pounce.

“Sorry if you wanted to read it. I just spoiled the whole thing” she mumbled looking down.

It was almost refreshing for him, since he always felt to be on the other side of the attack. Always being nervous, anxious, scared. He didn’t mean or like to make her feel that way, but it was nice to talk to her and not feel that way and let someone else fill that role.

“What’s your name?” He asked looking at her. “Y/n” she spoke slowly like she was unsure of her own name. He laughed slightly. “Are you sure?” He asked. Her eyes widened. “What?” She asked back confused. Had he thought she’d had given him the wrong name?

“You didn’t seem so sure about it” he said looking down at the coffee in his hand. She smiled closing her eyes, before nodding. “Yes, I’m sure. My name is y/n” She breathed letting out of a bit of her anxiety.

He smiled and nodded. “I’m Matt” He breathed. She nodded. “Is it short for Matthew?” She asked smally. He smiled and nodded softly. She nodded back.

“Do you read?” She asked. He shook his head. She looked down at her book. “Well if you ever want to get into it, this books a great one” she smiled at him. He smiled at her, that’s all he’d seem to be doing.

He wanted to know things about her. He wanted to know why she was sitting alone. Why she was reading books that looked dated back to the 1800s. What was with this girl?

He felt a buzz in his pocket. Snapping him out of his thoughts. It was Chris. Fuck. He was already suppose to be at the meeting. He turned off his phone and stood up. Her eyes followed him.

“I have to go” he stated. She just looked at him. He looked towards the side. “Do you think the book only has one meaning?” He asked suddenly. She just blinked at him. He didn’t even know what he was saying at this point. He just knew he was to keep taking to her.

“You’ve read it five times, have you found the same meaning in it every time?” He asked looking down at the book. She glanced down at the book picking it up.

“Um” she sighed looking at it and then shrugging. “I guess I find something new every time I read it” she smiled at him. He nodded.

“I hope you find something new this time, y/n” He sighed and then turned on his feet. Leaving the girl with her thoughts. She sighed looking down at her lap after she left feeling like s failure.

All these books about love and she could barley talk to a cute boy. She looked up as he pushed the door and walked out of the coffee shop.

He smiled to himself as he left. Even if he never saw her again, it was nice to talk to someone who didn’t know who he was or wasn’t his brothers.

Now he was in a pickle being almost 20 minutes last for the meeting now..

“Wait”

He paused before turning and seeing the girl running up to him. He smiled seeing her again, not picturing her the type to come running after him. She stopped slightly out of breath in front of him from scrambling her things together quickly without thinking.

“I—“ she breathed looking down at the book in her hand. He looked down at it. “You should read it” She said holding the book out for him to take. He looked down at the book.

“Tell me if you find something I missed” she smiled up as he took the book out her hands and scanned it with his fingers. She stood in front of him not knowing really what to say next.

He nodded, biting back a smile. “I don’t wanna take your book” He said feeling guilty attempting to hand it back. She shook her head stepping back.

“I have like a million copies, just take it” she smiled shaking her head. He smiled and nodded stepping back. He looked down at the book shaking his head.

“How do I tell you what I find?” He asked looking down at her. She smiled stepping forward and opening the book to the front page.

if lost return to y/n

1800-562-99216

He smiled. Who writes their number in books? He thought to himself. He looked up but she was already walking away.

He didn’t know then what the interaction had him in for. He stayed home the rest of the week, just trying to read the book. As he started it he just wanted to get through it. Thinking it was going to be a boring out of date read. The only reason he was reading it so fast was because he just wanted to call her.

He wanted to find something she had not found, but by their simple conversation he didn’t think he’d be able to. She was smart. Really smart. He wasn’t as smart as her.

As he read on he got deeper into the book, unable to put it down. Even putting off other things that he used to deem more important. Getting unapproved comments from Chris. Like “Why the fuck are you reading about birds?” and things like that.

He got through the book in three days before typing the number into his phone slightly hovering over the call button, slightly nervous. Knowing what he wanted to say, but didn’t know if it was stupid.

It rang twice before she answered.

Expressing ideas of a book, something Matt never pictured himself doing. Or even enjoying but here he was. Laughing and talking with someone over a book about birds, or not so much about birds.

“Then why did he go back to the king after they realized everything?” He asked leaning back against his headboard. She sighed over the phone.

“I don’t know, it the one part of the book I never really understood. Some people just like the comfort of being told what to do instead of doing things their own way. I guess it’s just a symbolization of how people know right from wrong but still chose the wrong side most of the time” she said softly. He smiled.

“I never thought about it that way” he whispered. She hummed. “I was just mad at the bird for going back even after all he’s learned” He shook his head.

“Matt, it’s a bird” She chuckled over the phone, making him laugh. “No, but I get what you’re saying. It’s really eye opening, seeing how people fall into the same patterns. People like to be comfortable, anything that threatens that they run away from even if it’s the better ending” she sighed.

Matt pressed his lips together as he looked down at the book. “What that thing for you?” He asked looking down. She stayed silent on the other end of the phone for a second. Her mind raced. The first and obvious choice came to mind, but she had just met this boy once.

Mention love and he’d be running for the hills.

“Y/n?”

She blinked out of her thoughts. “Um, I don’t know” she sighed. He hummed. “You’re a smart girl, you must have some thoughts on how this correlates to your life” he said through the phone. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“I guess so” she said shaking her head as she paced her room. Was this a good idea? Comfortable. This is what you were talking about, pushing out of your comfort zone.

“I guess, this conversation?” She said almost questioning. His eyebrows furrowed. “What?” He asked. She closed her eyes.

“In the most non loser way possible—“ she bit her lip. “I study science as my major and I always think about how people fall in love and what it takes the chemical engineering behind it all” She explained. He crossed his arm, his phone pressed to his ear just listening.

“And I guess it makes me uncomfortable. It just like scares me? I don’t know.” She sighed. “I guess I’m scared to fall in love” She admitted, goosebumps filling her arms as he stayed silent on the other end of the line.

“Are you telling me your falling in love with me, y/n?” He chuckled, making her smile and shake her head. “No I—“ she smiled. “I’m kidding, I understand that. It’s hard to understand it, but I don’t think the answers are in science books. They are experiences” He said blankly.

She nodded before sighing into the phone.

“You sound like my mother” She joked as she sat on her bed. He chuckled into the phone. He looked down at his phone seeing the time. “Have we really been talking about birds for an hour?” He asked making her chuckle.

“I guess we have” She said softly. He noticed she used ‘I guess’ a lot. She’s very smart for a girl who’s constantly unsure. He turned over on his bed and sighed.

“What are you doing Friday?” He asked making her heart stop for a brief second. She shook her head. “I—I don’t know” she said softly. He smiled.

“Do you want to do something with me?” He asked. She wanted to. But she was scared, which made her not want to. She swallowed.

“Like what?” She asked cracking her fingers. “I don’t know. Do you have book on elephants? They are my favorite” he joked over the phone making her roll her eyes.

“I don’t” she smiled. He groaned. “I guess dinner will have to do then” He smiled, she looked down at her feet smiling stupidly at herself.

“I guess so” She said softly.

“I’ll text you”

The story emerged from there. About three months into being officially together, he fell in love with her. In the stupidest way possible.

He didn’t see himself falling in love, never imagined himself falling completely in love with another human being such as he had.

It wasn’t a scary feeling. It was more of a joyful feeling that he didn’t expect. He didn’t read much about love like her, but he didn’t know how much he needed it until he had it.

She had picked out Pride and Prejudice again for what felt like the millionth time to him. But he shut his mouth as she pressed play, because he knew if he agreed to watch it she would lay on him, clinging on to him. He would be able to look down at her for almost two hours without her noticing, her breathing slightly against him.

He moved her hand through her hair, as the movie played. Somewhere throughout the movie, she shifted putting her legs against his lap. He looked over at her as she mumbled the lines of the actors on the film in front of them to herself.

He smiled.

And that was it.

That’s when he realized he loved her. But he was scared to say it. He had on his mind on repeat.

“I guess I’m scared to fall in love”

He closed his eyes looking back to the screen, feeling a turn in his chest. He didn’t want to scare her away from telling her that he had fallen in love with her, especially if she didn’t feel the same way. So he would just wait for her to say it, to play it safe. Just so he knows for sure he wont lose her.

They fell in love in the same moment and didn’t even know it.

Months past with the unspoken words “I love you”. Almost slipping out of either’s mouth close to a hundred times, before catching themselves and covering it up.

Hey mind raced with insecurities. Had she gotten it wrong? Had he not fallen in love with her also? Was she just falling deeper and deeper into love with him and he just didn’t feel the same way?

He acted as he loved her, but the words never fell off his lips. It made her stomach turn. She had never even thought of the possibility, what do you do when you fall in love with someone and they don’t love you back?

Searching for answers in books tears streaming down her face as she ripped out the pages. She hasn’t studied this. She hadn’t even thought of the possibility. What had she done wrong? Was it something she wasn’t doing? Was it her? Why hasn’t he said it?

She was flipping through a new addition of the chemical engineering psychology book that her professor had just given to her. She had a conversation with her professor, saying enough without saying too much, and he had given her this book.

Matt walked into the room before walking up to her and kissing the side of her head. “Hi baby, what are you reading?” He asked wrapping his arms around her from behind and laying his head against her shoulder.

She leaned back against his touch, she always did. But lately the only thing she’s been thinking about is how their eight month anniversary is next week and he still hasn’t told her that he loved her.

Endless nights of staring sleepless at the ceiling wondering if she was even good enough to be loved. Barley now focusing on the feeling of falling, because of the anxiety of the the fear of him not.

“Reading” she said softly flipping through the pages. He looked down at the pages, not understanding half the words laid out in front of her. “You’re so smart” he whispered kissing her cheek, making her smile.

She liked when he called her smart. She prided herself on her intelligence. It was what she loved most about herself and the fact that’s what Matt loved most about her, only made her fall harder.

A lot of girls were insecure physically about themselves, but no y/n was always insecure mentally. Panicking if she wasn’t the smartest person in the room.

A lot of guys were threatened about her intelligence, most men don’t like being dumbed down by a female’s intelligence, but Matt loved it. Priding her. Telling her “I love how you’re so much smarter than me”’.

“But” Matt said flipping the book closed in front of them. She sighed looking up at him as he grabbed her arm and stood her up leaning down to her.

“Take a break, you’re killing your brain” he said kissing her nose softly. She smiled. “I can’t—“ she said looking back at the closed book. “You can” He said holding her hands. She smiled and looked down.

“Come on, I’ll run you a bath” he said pushing the hair out of her face. Her heart clenched. Why do you act like you love me but you don’t say it. She didn’t reply. He sighed. “I’ll wash your hairrrr” he sang, making her smile slightly. He pulled her arm as he walked away, but she stood her ground making the pull back cause him to turn around to look at her.

His smiled dropped when seeing her face. She looked down at her feet distress on her face. He walked back up to her. “Hey” he said softly. She didn’t looked up at him.

“Y/n, what’s wrong?” He asked quietly placing a hand on her cheek. She glanced up at him and then back down sighing.

“Matt why are you with me?” She asked looking at him. His eyebrows furrowed. “What?” He asked not understanding where she was coming from. Y/n was a lot of things, but she wasn’t insecure. At least not in front of him.

She’d never questioned their relationship to him and it he was being honest his heart was beating out of his chest at the possibility of her breaking up with him.

“Why are you with me? Why are we together?” She asked softly. Doubt filling her head. She was terrified at this conversation because this might be the end. If he didn’t love her, she would have to walk away. And that scared her more than being in a one sided relationship.

He stared at her attempting to read her mind. What did she want him to say. He dropped her hand and ran his hand through his hair.

“Because you make me happy” He said looking down at her. Her frown didn’t move.

Because I love you, he wanted to say.

“And you’re beautiful and smart”

Because I love you

“And I love—“ her eyes looked up. “Spending time with you” he said running his hand down her arm. She bit her lip and looked to the side.

“And what else? What else do you love?” She asked desperately for answers. If he didn’t love her, what was he getting out of it? He shook his head looking down at his girlfriend.

“I don’t—“ he stuttered not understanding. She huffed shaking her head. “Like do you love—“ She shook her head looking down.

“Do you love me?” She asked looking up at him with teary eyes. He froze looking at her. “Because I love the hell out of you and I have for a long time, and I’ve been waiting for you to say it and—and—“ she shook her head, spilling everything out.

He smiled down at her, pulling her slightly towards him and pressing their lips together. He smiled against her, before pulling back and pressing his forehead against hers.

“I’m so fucking in love with you y/n” Matt smiled, making her fear drop from her chest. She smiled. “Really?” She asked blinking at him. He nodded. “I didn’t want to scare you off, I know how scared you of it and I wanted to wait on you” he said honestly.

She smiled and shook her head.

“You don’t make it scary” she breathed, making him smile. He stepped back sighing. “God, I’m so sorry, y/n” he shook his head. “Now I feel like a complete asshole” He said looking down at her.

He wasn’t saying it get out of her being mad at him or in a manipulative way. He genuinely felt guilty for not knowing that she was waiting on him. He probably scared her to death.

She shook her head stepped forward and wrapping her hands around his shoulders. “No baby, no. I’m sorry.” She apologized making him smile that she was apologizing. He shook his head.

“I love you, I love you, I love you. Oh my god. This feels so good to say it out loud.” He said leaning down and kissing all over her face making her giggle and push him away.

“I love you too” She laughed. He ran forward before picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder. She laughed above him.

“Put me down!” She laughed kicking her feet. He shook his head. He was going to show her just how much he loved her.

A memory so far away that now seems like it never even happened. The only one circulating your brain was the one that happened just hours ago. The rest turning into darkness like it never happened.

“Matt” you yelled at you opened the door. He didn’t turn around as he walked through the kitchen. “Matthew” you stated making him pause and turn around. His face was angry. An expression he never wore when looking at her. Maybe at his brothers, but never her.

“That was ridiculous” I breathed looking at it. It was. He acted like a child. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. “So you can get mad at Sage, but I can’t get mad at a guy eye-fucking you?” He asked walking back up to me.

She cringed at the eye-fucking. He never really spoke like that and you didn’t like it when he didn’t.

“I didn’t get mad at Sage” she stated calmly. He scoffed shaking his head. “So what? You just pulled me away and told me off for like 20 minutes for shits and giggle?” He asked throwing his hands up.

She shook her head.

“I did not tell you off. I told you I didn’t like the fact that’s she was tracing the tattoos on your arm with her cheap press on nails” She said through gritted teeth trying not to get angry. He shook his head.

“Sage and I have been friends for a long time. Way before we started dating” he said motioning between them. She rolled her eyes. Why was he acting like this?

“Oh yeah? Why have I never heard her name before tonight?” She said walking up to him. He shook his head looking away before turning and starting to walk away.

He didn’t want to act this way in front of her, but he was angry. She deserves better so he was gonna walk away.

“Don’t walk away from me” she spat making him pause in his tracks. He closed his eyes as he turned back around. “Y/n. I’m gonna say something I regret. Just go home” he shook his head at her, but she shook her head back feeling tears brim at her eyes.

“No. Talk to me. We don’t do this, we don’t fight” She shook her head mentally pleading with him. He knew she was right, but he was clouded with anger, stepping towards her.

“Leave” he breathed.

“No” she shook her head.

“You were out of line admit it” She said making him roll his eyes. “No, I wasn’t. You’re my girlfriend and another guy was all over you” He argued down at her. She shook her head.

“We were speaking!” She said throwing her hands up. “You didn’t have to grab me like I was your property Matt. And I think he got the message before you went all ‘Yeah our one year is next wekk. We’re soooo in love’—“ She shook her head.

He clenched his jaw and turned his head. “Yeah and you grabbing my arm and all of the sudden telling me very loudly how much you ‘loved the bracelet I got you’ while shoving it in her face was any better?” He asked making her look down and shake her head.

“You’re not my property y/n. But your my girlfriend. I’m not gonna cheat on you like—” he said shaking his head. She looked up at him glaring.

“What? Like my dad and my mom?” She asked shaking her head. He looked down shaking his head. “I never said that” He shook his head stepping towards her. She shook her head stepping back.

“No but you implied it, you asshole” She said shaking her head feeling tears come to my eyes. He glared at her.

“I’m an asshole? Really? You wouldn’t even look at me on the way home” He asked shaking his head. “Because I’m fucking mad at you!” She screamed making the world go still. She never raised her voice. She never cursed at him. He scoffed.

“So we’re doing this now huh?” He asked.

“I’m not doing this” She said stepping back tired of arguing. “Oh no, you can say that to me, but I’m not allowed to say anything back?” He asked throwing his hands up.

She sighed trying to contain her composure before she says something she really regrets.

“You were right, we need to walk away. Our one year is next week and we’re both angry and-“

“No you started this and you don’t want the repercussions. You always do this” He said looking down at her. Her mouth fell open.

“I always do this?” She asked shaking her head.

“Yes, you always do this” He nodded. She’d never been this angry at someone she loved so much.

“Admit that guy was flirting with you” he said loudly. She shook her head. They were talking. She hadn’t even noticed if he was flirting with her because she doesn’t look at anyone else like that other than him. Because why would she need to if she had him?

“Admit it, that girl wanted you” She whispered back. He glared at her. He’s not thought about a girl like that since he saw her in the coffee shop with that bird book. He thought that girl was genuinely interested in his tattoos.

He shook his head.

“No” he said back. She nodded looking down.

“Then call me when you get you head out of you ass” She shook her head and stepped back. He shook his head.

“Call me when you get your head out of those damn books” He spat making her pause and her eyes water.

“I hate you” She whispered. His heart dropped but he didn’t show it on his face. She didn’t mean it, he knew she didn’t. But it still hurt as if she did mean it.

“That’s all you ever care about right? Being the smartest person in the room? You always have to be right don’t you?” He said his eyes watering. She shook her head.

“You know that’s not true” She breathed. He shook his head. He did but he wasn’t admitting it.

“I don’t maybe it is!” He yelled.

“Maybe you’re just an insecure asshole!”

“Maybe we should just break up!”

After the end of all this, she realized that she was never scared of falling in love. How could one be? Falling in love is amazing. She knows first hand. Yeah it’s scary at first, but to love truly by another human being is worth it being scary.

No, she wasn’t afraid of falling in love. She was afraid of falling in love and then losing it. She was terrified to get hurt. To lose him. Because nothing else matter if she had him.

If she had him, everything was okay. When she lost him, what was the point?

Reading any love story. Watching any movies. What was the point?

Because she had fallen in love, and she lost it. She lost him. The blood curdling, heart clenching, falling at 100 miles per hour terrifying love. and now it was gone. Ripped away from her like it never belonged to her.

It wasn’t fair.

But I guess love never is.

Days went by by and she didn’t eat, she didn’t sleep, she couldn’t breathe without him. She thought the books that wrote about this type of pain were exaggerating. They weren’t. Simple enough they weren’t.

The science books running through her brain. It was just a chemical feeling. The emotions, you can control them. But you couldn’t. You can’t.

Science can’t take away this type of pain. This isn’t the type of that you can explain or type out into words. It’s the most excruciating type of pain one who’s been in love can feel. And the only person who can make I better is the one that hurt you.

The day of silence after was the worst part. All day she waited by her phone all day, her door all day. Silence. Dead silence.

The amount of times she reached for the phone or grabbed her keys to go to his house, but stopped herself. She couldn’t. He wanted it. And she loved him. She would embarrassingly do anything he asked of her. And he didn’t want her. So that’s what he got. Because she loved him, and it was killing her.

“Give her time, she will come to you” Chris pushed Matt back as he charged at him. “No she won’t you—you don’t know her-“ he cried looking at his brother. Nick and Chris looked at each other they’ve never seen their brother like this before. They didn’t know what to do.

“Our one year is tomorrow and—and—“ He choked. “No it’s not yall broke up” Chris shook his head. Matt’s heart clenched. No we didn’t. His mind raised. It’s not over me for. It will never be over for me.

“What are you gonna say huh? You have to think of something better than I’m sorry. You can’t just say I’m sorry” Nick shook his head at Matt. Matt gripped his hair shaking his head. He didn’t know what to do. He just wanted to go back. If he could just go back, he could fix everything. Take it all back. Not say those harsh words.

He hated himself for hurting her. It was eating him alive.

Then it clicked. It all clicked.

She hadn’t been going to classes and she definitely wasn’t going today. It was their one year. Well suppose to be there one year. If everything didn’t happen. If she didn’t start something that he finished. If she just didn’t say those things to him, just didn’t say anything. She would still be happy. He would still be in love.

She turned over on her bed falling into the groups of book by her bed that she had laid out. But no, science couldn’t fix this. She wasn’t even sure she could fix this. All she knew was that she just wanted to rip her heart out of her chest, that would hurt less than this.

She swallowed and sat up. She felt dizzy. When was the last time I drank some water? She thought. She reached over to her desk and grabbed a water fumbling with the cap and spilling it all over her. She sighed standing up and pulling her shirt over her head.

She didn’t even look herself in the mirror. She couldn’t. She pulled out one of Matt’s shirt before she decided she’s tortured herself enough and just throwing on an old tshirt of her own.

There was a knock at the door. She turned her head. No. It’s not him. She thought. It’s probably just your mother, asking you why you’re not showing up to classes. Something you’ve prided yourself in, your schoolwork and it was all slipping behind.

It wasn’t fair. Going through this. And he hasn’t even called. She teared but before she heard the knock again. She turned before walking out of her room and down the steps. She sighed before opening the door.

Matt stood there staring down at her. Tears in his eyes. She looked up at him. Her heart clenched. She didn’t know what to do. She stood frozen. She shook her head slightly.

“Y/n. Listen to me just listen—“ he said placing his hand on the door. She blinked at him. “Or don’t listen, just read” He said handing her the book she gave him so long ago.

The language of birds

She looked up at him. “If lost return to y/n right?” He breathed. She sighed looking down at the book opening it and a note slipped out of it and towards her foot. She furrowed her eyebrows and picked it up opening the note.

Y/n,

I know you’re a big reader and oh is that one of the many things I love about the person I love. I’m not good a words, as you have seen many times. So instead of saying it i wrote it. You taught me about these birds who are torn away from the king, on their own in unmarked territories and they are terrified. I know what you’re thinking, that’s us right now, apart from one another. But no. That’s not the ending I want or the ending you deserve.

You are the bird, you have always been the bird. You learned how to fly before anyone else and you’re the one who stands up. You fly away into unmarked territory that terrifies you, love. You fell in love first and I fell harder. You were terrified but fell into me even though you were scared. You trust me. You have my your heart and that’s the bravest and scariest thing you could have done, I know that. You’re flying back to the king because you want what’s comfortable, writing off love as your fear forever. But I’m begging you please stay, don’t fly back to the king. I need you hear with me. I always have and I always will.

I’m changing the ending to this stupid bird story and I’m not letting you fly away.

Y/n, you are my everything and I’m an idiot. I’ll always be an idiot, but I will never for as long as I love you the rest of my life will I ever make you feel like I don’t love you again. I love you so much. You are my bird.

please.

Tears flooded her eyes before she was even done with the note. She folded it and put it back into the book holding it close to her chest. He waited for her to finish. His heart beating out of his chest.

All that was running through his head was please please please.

She looked up at him. He watched her.

“I’ve always hated that ending to that book” She smiled as tears fell from her eyes. He sighed smiling.

“My baby” he sighed as he wrapped her arms around her as she hugged him, slightly crying against him.

“My bird” He whispered against the girl he loved so so much.

So maybe love wasn’t a simple as the books or movies. But in the end she knew, it was worth fighting for, even if it wasn’t pretty. But then again

Love never is

holyy okay this took all day to write but its my favorite thing ive ever wrote hope you love it❤️

tag list: @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @miastromboli @secret-sturniolo @sturnsclutter @sturniolodreamz @paper-crab @chrisolivia4l @mwah0mwah @recklesssturniolo @ejswift @kitaysworld @meg-sturniolo @nickmillersn1gf @fr3shl0ve @adrianaturnedpretty @oversturn @ghostgurlswrld @flowerxbunnie @ilytrinsworld @lustfulslxt @kiarastromboli @gemofthenight @blahbel668 @haunted-headset @sturnybabes @bethsturn @d3adlyclassrat @sturnybabes @mattsbitch @chrisluvbot @nickenthusiast @sturniolossmut @biimpanicking

#sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo smut #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo x reader #spotify

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bloatedandalone04 · 1 year

Text

Cosmic Love

➪the one where you break anakin’s heart after he unknowingly broke yours.

Part 2

Warnings: angst af, emotional cheating (kinda ?), insecurities, self deprecating thoughts, anakin slipping to the dark side and being oblivious half the time, quite possible that the reader is depressed without knowing it

Word Count: 4k

Do not repost this anywhere, reblogs are fine <3

You weren’t sure when things went wrong. You weren’t sure what happened.

You were in love, you were sure of it, and so was he. The feeling of love still filled your every vein when you thought about the dark haired Jedi, so you knew for a fact that you were still in love with him.

Anakin Skywalker.

Even his name had your heart racing.

You couldn’t remember a time when you weren’t in love with him. It was clear that your feelings for him ran deep and had for a long time, long before you even knew what these feelings meant.

It was only as recent as two years since you had labelled those feelings as love, and ever since then you two had been inseparable.

Until now.

The Jedi temple was large and had countless hallways and passages. It was easy to get lost in if you didn’t know your way around the place. It was also easy to walk in on things you maybe weren’t supposed to see.

Like the way Anakin’s fingers brushed against hers as they greeted each other. Or the way his smile was bright, charming and kind, while hers was shy, genuine and showed the words she didn’t say.

He was slipping away, you feared.

Or maybe you were.

Maybe you were giving her the chance she had wanted for years to slip in and steal the heart of the man you are in love with.

The man who was in love with you - is in love with you, right?

Perhaps.

You felt pathetic for the first time in a long time. Anakin never allowed you to feel anything negative about yourself as he put your worries to rest and helped you fight your insecurities.

Whenever you felt that sickly feeling of unworthiness creep into your skin, he was right there next to you. He made sure that you always knew just how important and needed you are.

You had a connection and he felt it every time you became stressed or worried about something, and he was always the person who talked you down, both verbally and mentally.

Was your connection fading?

Is that why you have begun to feel unworthy again, much like how you felt when you first allowed yourselves to fall in love? Is that why he hadn’t seemed to notice your mood that was rapidly declining and the way you would berate yourself in your head?

You weren’t sure anymore. You didn’t know where you fit into his life anymore as he seemed to be thriving every time he left the confines of your secret shared room.

That room was just a placeholder for what your future plans were. Anakin had mentioned that he had been looking at apartments in the city for the two of you, a place you could call your own, a place where you two can just be together without a care.

Without the prying eyes of the Jedi or the suspicious glares from the Masters. Without the possibility of falling for someone else.

You missed him when he ventured outside the walls of your room. You missed him when he was right next to you. He was there, by your side, yet you still missed him. The distance that was steadily growing between you was present every time you were together, something he didn’t seem to notice.

Anakin was clueless of what was going on around him, he was powerless to stop the doubts and accusations that swam in an endless pool inside your head. To keep it simple; Anakin’s entire world was falling apart in front of him, yet he had no idea of the damage that was currently being inflicted on his relationship with you.

He was oblivious to the ache you felt whenever he was deep in conversation with Padmè, the way your heart deflated bit by bit when he showed off new devices to the Senator, and the dull stab that pierced your being whenever he slipped up and told her stories that he had only meant to tell you.

In all honesty, the man was blind to how his actions were affecting you.

You wished you understood the feelings that overtook your body whenever you caught the two together. It was a heat nearly as hot as fire, a taste as bitter as anything else and a flicker of the thought of not being enough for the man you had been in love with for many years now. The same man who had only been yours for two years.

Though, to Anakin, he had been yours since the minute he set eyes on you.

You were fourteen when you met him, and he was sixteen. It was a few years later when the secret glances and wishful stares just weren’t enough anymore, and at the age of twenty one he had asked you to be his. Your nineteen year old self was ecstatic and clueless to the consequences that would come with forming a relationship with the Jedi, but at the time you didn’t care.

Now, at the same age he was when he confessed his feelings for you, the weight of your actions was finally catching up to you.

You didn’t regret all that had happened in the last two years, no, not at all. In fact, they were the best years of your life. You just wished you had realized how doomed it was from the start.

Anakin was the brightest and most well-presented Jedi. He wasn’t allowed to form bonds or connect with people in the ways he has with you, yet that didn’t stop his heart from falling for yours when he was just a teen.

With that being said, the relationship had its issues from the beginning, back when the two of you were just relieved at knowing the feelings were mutual. It was never supposed to last.

That much was certain as you sat completely still on the bed, your legs crossed and your hands tucked away in the gap between your thighs. Your robe hung loosely on your form, the silk doing very little to stop the chills that grazed against your skin from the night air that creeped in through the open window.

Your heartbeat was slower than normal as you tried to push away the negative thoughts that had plagued your mind for weeks now. Closing your eyes tightly, you thought back to past memories of your time spent with Anakin, back when you felt needed and wanted and desired.

You thought back to your first kiss, the way his lips pressed to yours in a way that told you it was the first one he had ever shared. He had waited years for you, pushed away countless attempts to be the first person he experienced physical love with, all so he could say that you were his first.

His first love.

His first kiss.

His first time.

You remember that night like it was yesterday. Anakin was nervous but never allowed himself to show it as he was far too concerned with making you feel as comfortable as possible. His hand never left yours as his hips rocked into you for what felt like hours, the two of you being completely done for as your sounds mixed together to create a song that only belonged to you.

The night was full of love, need and warmth. Something you had been craving since the second your insecurities came spiralling back to you.

The door opened, followed by the one that led into your bedroom.

Anakin froze in the doorway, his gloved hand still on the knob as he looked at your tense form. He debated on whether or not to turn back around and apologise later for interrupting your meditation, but when your eyes opened to meet his he knew he was too late.

So, instead, he closed the door, set his lightsaber onto the dresser next to it before crossing the room and reaching for the window. “It’s cold tonight,” he said as he pulled the window shut and covered the glass with the dark curtains. When you didn’t respond to him, and didn’t even look at him, he walked the few steps towards the bed and reached out to you. “You must be freezing-”

His words die on his tongue when you involuntarily flinch away from him, his dark brows coming together in a furrow.

“What’s wrong?” He questioned, forgoing his original plan to dress himself in his sleep attire before joining you on the bed. Still covered by the long clothes he had been wearing all day, he sat beside you and tried his best to get you to meet his eyes. “Talk to me, my love.”

Your bottom lip quivered as you refused to look at him, your hands moving to rest on your knees. “I can’t,” it came out as a whisper and the lack of your usual cheery voice had Anakin’s eyes narrowing in worry.

“Why not?” He wanted to touch you but he also knew your limits. Right now you were well past the point of being completely closed off and he wasn’t sure what he would trigger in you if he were to take your hand in his, like he wanted to.

Keeping your eyes glued to the floor, you turn your head just slightly as a sinking feeling takes over your chest. “I fear I’ve fallen ill,” you say quietly, tears gathering on your lower waterline as you finally grant him the gift of making eye contact.

“What’s wrong?” He asked again, his left hand coming up to gently rest against your forehead. You hate how easily you lean into it. “Are you hurt?”

You nod and close your eyes again, causing a few tears to spill down the length of your face.

Anakin felt his heart drop at your movement, his hand falling from your head to rest on your shoulder. His fingers gently press into your tense muscles as he asks, “Where does it hurt?”

Not being able to answer him with words quite yet, you bring one hand up to rest against your chest, just over where your heart was beating rapidly now.

He shakes his head as a quiet sob takes over your body and he quickly wraps his arm around you. Pulling you into his side and running a comforting hand through your hair, he tries to make sense of what little information you had given him. “I don’t understand, angel,” he nearly whispers, not wanting to upset you further as you were clearly in a very fragile state of mind at the moment. “What do you mean your heart hurts?”

Taking in a shaky breath, you pull away from him and miss the look of hurt and confusion that flashes across his achingly beautiful face. “I don’t feel like myself anymore,” you murmur, your words muffled due to the build up of saliva in your mouth. “I don’t feel loved anymore.”

If there was a sure way to break Anakin’s heart, you had just done it with your words. He shook his head quickly, eyes squinting as he looked at you. “How could you ever feel that way?” He asked and placed his hand on your knee, his brows further furrowing when you pulled away from him. “Why won’t you let me touch you?”

“Because,” you whimpered, wrapping the robe around you tighter and bunching the fabric up in your hands. “It hurts, Anakin.”

He reeled back in surprise, your words having completely caught him off guard. “What are you talking about? I’ve touched you many times before, you’ve never acted this way then,”

Shaking your head, you watch as a tear slips from your eye and lands on the sheets below you. “I don’t think you could ever hurt me with your hands,” you trail off, further confusing the poor man beside you.

“Baby,” the nickname was one he rarely used and you knew he was beginning to feel scared, nervous and frustrated all at once as it rolled off his tongue without a second thought. “Talk to me, please.”

You repeat your earlier words, “I can’t,”

Your words and the way you had become so closed in a matter of seconds had his heart beating cautiously in his chest, its way of protecting itself and preparing him for the ache he had a feeling was approaching fast. “Please,” he begged, desperate for anything at this point.

He didn’t know what happened or what was going on in that head of yours, but he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You weren’t giving him much to go off of and it was driving him wild, his head coming up with various outcomes of this conversation, none of which ended well.

When you didn’t answer him or show him any form of comfort, his body betrayed his mind as it seeked out a sense of normalcy and had his arm reaching out once again, this time his hand wrapping tightly around your wrist when his frustration became too much.

You turned to him, your teary eyes meeting his scared blue ones. “I don’t see a future with you anymore,” you mumbled, keeping eye contact. Anakin reeled back again, his hand pulling away from your arm as it no longer rewarded him with the sweet feeling that always came when he touched you.

“What?”

You swallowed harshly, your eyes looking down at the curve of his lips before settling back on his blue orbs. “I’m worried you’ve given your heart away to someone else. Someone who I don’t compare to,” you looked down at your shaking hands, squeezing your eyes shut in hopes to regain a sliver of strength back. “Padmè is a true gem, Anakin. I can see why she captivates you so much.”

Anakin couldn’t let you go on, not when he had no idea what you were talking about. “I don’t understand,” he shook his head, putting a pause to your compliments of the woman he considered a friend and that was it. “What is this about?”

You give him a little shrug, guilty eyes meeting his. “I’ve been feeling lonely, I guess,”

He looked down as he tried to find the right words to say. A million questions swam around in his head, all of which he had no answer to.

How had he not noticed this?

How long have you been feeling this way? Lonely, left out, neglected.

Why hadn’t he realised that you were lost and needed him to help bring you back?

He had sworn to both you and himself that he would never leave you alone to the point where you would begin to question his intentions and the meaning of your relationship that he held so closely to his heart. “Why haven’t you told me this?” He asked, then regretfully added, “What does Padmè have to do with all this?”

He wished he didn’t ask about that last part.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with her. Seems like the two of you have gotten quite close,” you answer the question and continue, “I haven’t seen you much lately, not alone, anyway. Every time I went in search of you, I’d find you with her, talking about the things you have only ever shared with me.”

Maybe you were selfish, but you pushed away all thoughts to keep him by your side. In reality, it was you slipping away from him, not the other way around like you had thought it was.

Unbeknownst to you, the type of person you are is one who needs reassurance and guidance. Not all the time, not even often. Just every once in a while would suffice. The fact that you hadn’t had a heart to heart with Anakin in months, and the fact that he was MIA half the time, mixed with the return of your past worries only left you feeling abandoned and not needed.

“I fear you’ve bonded with her without even realising it,”

“No,” he shut that down quickly, his legs moving before his brain could catch up with them. He lifted himself from the bed and stood in front of your shaking frame from your place on the edge. “No. No, stars, how could you say that?”

Your words felt like they were causing him physical pain and he didn’t want to hear anymore.

You were the light of his life, the reason he fought so hard whenever he was sent away on missions, and the sole purpose of wanting a better future. In all honesty, Anakin couldn’t see a future without you in it. You are by far the most important person in his life and the one he couldn’t live without. It worried him at first when his feelings for you went beyond anything he had ever felt, but you whisked away his worries by peppering his face with kisses whenever he returned to your shared room after a long day and filled his heart with an almost overwhelming amount of love.

Your hands tore away any stress he took home with him in gentle caresses and your smile made any bad and dark day seem a bit brighter.

Without a doubt, you are the love of his life, and he hates that you have begun to question that, as well as your importance in his life. “I can’t help it,” you say quietly, your voice shaking slightly. “The doubts have come back, Anakin. I can’t fight them on my own anymore. I tried, but I keep failing to feel that sense of belonging like before.”

Anakin fell to his knees before you, his hands reaching for yours and pressing kiss after kiss to the back of them. “Let me help you, please. I can fix this, I can save us, you just have to let me in…just like before,” he felt like a poor excuse of a lover at this point, his failure to realise that you were a shell of your former self now weighing heavy on him, but that didn’t stop him from getting on his knees and begging for forgiveness. A second chance. “Please, my love..come back to me.”

Your eyes shut tightly as more tears rushed down your face and you could no longer look at him. “For months I’ve been wanting to hear you say that,” you trail off, still not opening your eyes and further closing yourself off. “Now that you have….I still don’t feel any better.”

He was too late. “I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to your knuckles before grazing the back of your hand against the side of his face as he stares up at you. “I’m here. I’m still me and we’re still us.”

Even though it was clear you no longer believed that.

His words should’ve been enough. You should’ve been reassured by now, but you weren’t. You weren’t sure why his words went right through you and you didn’t want to find out just how far you’ve slipped from reality. How far you’ve slipped from him.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his eyes stinging with unshed tears as he tried desperately to get you to meet his eyes. “My heart is yours, angel. It always has been and it always will be. There is no other person in the galaxy who will ever get me in the way you do. We’re meant to be together, my love. I know we are, you know we are. Why won’t you let me in?”

Your head shakes as you open your eyes, your hand turning in his grip and softly caressing the side of his face, something that never failed to bring him comfort. As soon as he felt his heart start to heal from your touch, all was dulled again as you murmured the words that will haunt him forever. “I’m sorry, Ankin,” you whisper, pulling your hand away all too soon and standing up, making his other hand fall from where it was wrapped around your waist. “We tried.”

Walking past him, you open the door to the room and make your exit. Anakin stands up quickly, his heart beating loudly in his ears as he follows you out like a lost soul trying to find its way back to its person. “Please, please, don’t do this,” he begs as the first of many tears leave his eyes. His hand wraps around your wrist and due to his strength, he successfully puts a pause on your escape. “I love you, more than anything else. Please.”

You tense under his heart broken stare and allow him to place your hand over his heart, where you could just barely feel the quick beats against your fingers.

“Please, don’t leave me,” he whimpered, pressing your hand harder against his chest. “Please, it hurts.”

The thought of losing you had manifested into physical pain as he watched everything he ever knew be ripped away from his grasp. He was ashamed that the continuous stabs he felt to his heart were the same ones you had been feeling for months, causing you to suffer in silence behind closed doors.

You hold back a sob as you bring both hands up to caress his face, pulling him down just slightly so his forehead was pressed to yours. Anakin resisted the urge to close the distance completely and kiss you with everything he had in him - his last resort as clearly his words weren’t effective at all - and show you that he really could not function properly without you.

Instead, his arms wrapped tightly around your waist and he pulled you into him so your chest was pressed to his. “I don’t wish to cause you any pain, Anakin,” you whispered, basking in your last moments with him. With a chaste kiss placed to his temple, you ignore the quiet whimpers that left his lips. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

You pry yourself away from him and quickly open the door, fleeing into the empty and dark hallway.

Anakin cried out, his hands reaching out for you until your smaller frame used its advantage of being much quicker than him and disappeared from his sight. He stumbled around the dark room, everything feeling a lot quieter and heavier now that your presence was fading away. He fell against the wall, his body giving up and causing him to slide downwards until he hit the floor with a painful thud - a pain of which didn’t register very well as he had become lost.

His head had seemed to dissolve any and all happy memories he shared with you, only being met with the few arguments the two of you had shared during your years together. They hit him harder than they did when they first occurred, something that sent jolts of pain to his entire being.

He would give anything to have this just be the result of another disagreement, one that left the both of you frustrated and angry, but still together. One where, despite your harsh tones, you were still each other’s person. One where you were left with the reassurance that everything would eventually work itself out, as long as you didn’t give up on one another.

And Anakin Skywalker will never give up on you, even after you had just broken his entire soul and left before he got the chance to pick himself back up and fight for you some more.

His eyes stay fixated on the tall window, his pupils dilating just slightly as he feels a particularly sharp stab to his heart, followed by a sudden urge to turn everything that surrounds him upside down in hopes to dull the emptiness that had formed within him.

A darkness circled around him and it was something he had never felt nor seen before. All he knew was that it felt so inviting, so warm and as though it would provide Anakin the comfort he hadn’t felt since he returned home.

First time writing for Anakin <3 I'm in my Hayden era (for the 987th time) and currently resisting writing for his other characters.

#anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker x female reader #anakin skywalker x you #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker imagine #star wars #angst #anakin angst #anakin skywalker angst #star wars angst #star wars x reader #star wars revenge of the sith #star wars attack of the clones #hayden christensen #hayden christensen imagine #hayden christensen x reader #hayden christensen gif #hayden christensen edit

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thesunfyre4446 · 23 days

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the way that some people talk about helaena is just disgusting.

you have the people that straight up say that they're looking forward to b&c & don't care about her at all. which is fine i mean at least you're honest (though can't understand why anyone would be looking forward to seeing a 6yo kid get brutally murdered but ok)

then you have the people who try and "claim" helaena as TB. they say that helaena hates her family & her mom & her family is the reason that her life was ruined - and not b&c and maelor's death caused by rhaenyra and daemon. and it's so obvs they're just using that as an excuse to justify their favs horrible actions.

helaena's family did not ruin her life.

in the book it was viserys that arranged her marriage to aegon. so don't go crying in the comments about "the book", in the show the alternative is jace - and alicent was not about to let her daughter become rhaenyra's unofficial hostage. the twins are obvs not 6 and were aged down so show!helaena gave birth prob at 17. (these kids are not 6) by marrying aegon, helaena gets to stay at home with her family.

helaena is not suicidal. there is nothing in the show or the book to indicate that she is suicidal or depressed. she's described as a happy girl in the book and in the show we don't really get a lot of scenes with her but there's 0 indication to her being depressed. helaena committed suicide because of her children's death. the greens did not kill her children.

helaena does not hate her children. literally stfu. you can claim that because she's a teen mom (rhaenyra was also a teen mom but i digress) motherhood is prob not easy for her. but the fact that some people say that she hated her kids as a way to justify b&c is disgusting.

helaena being portrayed as neurodivergent & sensitive to touch does not mean that she can't or doesn't love her family. this take makes me want to scream. one of my best friends is also extremely sensitive to touch. she rarely lets her mom hug her and that's OK. everyone has different boundaries.

stop infantilizing helaena!!!!!!!!!!!!! she's an adult!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and all of these excuses are somehow supposed to make b&c and maelor's death look less bad & daemyra less guilty. oh, daemon had her child brutally murdered before her eye? nah, she hated her children anyway lol rhaenyra drove her to suicide? well, she was always depressed and suicidal so it's not that big of a deal... (and don't even get me started on the "why didn't she just go to rhaenyra on dragonstone" as if she'd ever betray her family & like her own sons weren't also at risk if rhaenyra became queen)

i really can't. mind you, these are the people that scream and cry misogyny but are willing to use another female character in such a cynical and sinister way to justify their favs action. and yes, i'm calling it sinister because it feels VERY sinister. the discourse about helaena makes me so uncomfortable. (and the discourse around jaehaera is also disturbing af)

sorry about the rant.

#hotd #house of the dragon #team green #pro team green #heleana targaryen #my girl <3 #pro alicent hightower #anti team black #anti team black stans

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cherienymphe · 9 months

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Love Bites III (Steve Rogers x Reader)

Warnings: NON-CON, suicidal thoughts, vampire!Avengers, mentions of Peter x reader, bloodplay, violence, MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, jealous!Steve, modern setting they just wealthy af

➥ banner by @vase-of-lilies | divider by @firefly-graphics

➥ series masterlist

summary: In a coven, the master’s word is law, and humans are nothing more than pets to symbolize wealth and prestige. They tell you that being the master’s pet is a great honor, but the poorly constructed façade is broken when you forsake honor for love.

Your reflection stared back at you as you gazed into the mirror, feeling so far removed from your body as you brushed your fingers over the faint bite marks on your neck. They were something to be worn with pride, something to be admired—coveted even—but as you stared at them, all you could see was the physical evidence of your imprisonment.

As your lips parted, memories of a sweet-natured and soft-hearted vampire came to mind.

You absentmindedly wondered if you would’ve worn Peter’s mark with pride had you been given the option, and the silent question seemed almost silly because the answer was obvious. You would’ve happily let Peter leave whatever mark he wanted on you, because that would’ve been different. It would’ve been a mark you consented to, a mark that came from you willingly giving yourself to the dark-haired vampire. That kind of mark would’ve been the result of you surrendering yourself to him with perfect trust, and he in turn choosing to handle your trust and vulnerability with care.

It would’ve been a mark of love.

Such a thought almost brought tears to your eyes, but you pushed them back, refusing to let Steve smell them and come running. The thought of the blond angered you in a way that was hard to even describe. Since that night he’d raped you again, unable to stomach your refusal of him any longer, you hadn’t so much as given him a hint of anything less than a cold disposition.

Yes, you smiled at him when it was important, and you responded when he asked you things, but it was never with anything more than a tight and forced curve of your lips. Your tone never went beyond anything that could be deemed a polite neutrality. Even when he drank from you, you closed your eyes and held yourself as still as you could be.

A mere tolerance of Steve and your situation had turned into nothing short of repulsion.

It really hadn’t occurred to you just how much you hated all of this until Peter was no longer around to make it easier to swallow. You didn’t have a single friend in this place, every person in your vicinity loyal to Steve above all. It was lonely and depressing in ways that were too painful to think about, and with the knowledge that you were so close to one more year around the sun, you found yourself wondering if you had the strength to do this until the end of your days.

You had never considered ending it all until Peter was gone.

With him around, you’d at least still had something to look forward to, something to put a smile on your face when you woke up in the morning. Now…you had nothing. Your days consisted of nothing but Steve and his every whim, and when you stopped to think about living out the rest of your life exactly like this, it overwhelmed you.

“Steve is starting to get impatient, Y/N.”

The sound of Nat’s voice accompanied by a knock on your bathroom door was enough to pull you from your depressing thoughts. With a sigh, you straightened your dress and swiftly joined her in your bedroom. She was focused on fixing her lipstick when your gaze met hers, and she closed her compact with a comforting smile.

“I was starting to think you’d taken a swim in there,” she teased, gently pulling you along. “You know how Steve gets when you keep him waiting.”

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes, swallowing down what you were initially going to say.

“I’m sorry,” you evenly apologized, knowing that Steve could hear. “I just got lost in my head for a bit.”

You could feel the redhead’s eyes on you as she guided you towards the hall, and she let out a hum.

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately,” she mused. “Should I talk to Steve about having someone come and see you? You know how important it is that you’re healthy.”

You both knew that she wasn’t just referencing your physical health, and such a comment almost made you laugh. If any of them had genuinely cared about your mental health and happiness, then someone would’ve talked Steve out of turning Peter to ash. The bitterness was hard to swallow, but you managed, turning to look at her with a small smile.

“No, it’s nothing more than birthday musings.”

At the mention of the date just around the corner, her beautiful face lit up.

“Are you excited? One year older…”

While the powerful beings around you celebrated their own birthdays, it wasn’t the same nor nearly as exciting as physically aging and literally being one year closer to death. At least, that was what Peter had told you once. He’d made it known just how fascinated they all were by the subtle signs of aging, the smile lines that weren’t there before, the maturity in the face that wasn’t there before. Something about the fragility and tragedy of it all, he’d said.

How funny that he had met his end before you.

“As excited as I was last year,” you told her as she walked you down the hall.

That wasn’t entirely true. You were much more excited last year for reasons that were obvious to you, and this year, you couldn’t muster up anything beyond a dreaded anxiousness. There was nothing to be excited about in your opinion, but to make matters worse, you would swear that Nat seemed more excited this year than she was last year.

There was a twinkle in her eye whenever the topic came up, and whatever they had up their sleeve, you only wanted them to get it over with.

It was a cloudy and starless night when you both made it outside, Steve standing by the car with a slightly pinched look on his face. You said nothing as Natasha apologized to him for the delay, quickly joining Bucky before they both disappeared into the other car. You ignored the feel of his intense gaze as the driver opened the door for you both, Steve’s touch almost nonexistent as he guided you into the back seat.

This was the first time you would ever be leaving the grounds, and instead of feeling something akin to excitement, you only felt…numb. Something about a gathering every hundred years or so, and how lucky for you that the next one coincided with your time as Steve’s pet. It was another mansion full of more vampires who’d see you nothing more than Steve’s property.

There was nothing in you that looked forward to this night.

“We’re almost late because of you.”

Steve’s voice filled the car, the partition providing some privacy.

“I’m sorry,” you halfheartedly murmured. “I lost track of time.”

You could feel his eyes on you as you looked out of the tinted window, and your silent prayers that he’d leave you be for the duration of the ride went unanswered. Your heart sank when you felt his hand reach for yours, cold hand clasping with yours.

“Natasha has impeccable taste per usual. I hate when the dresses she picks out are better than anything I come up with,” he told you.

At that, your eyes fell to the black fabric, the sheer extravagance of it all, fingering the bow around your waist. Natasha enjoyed playing dress up with her human doll while Steve had a habit of wanting you to look like the piece of meat you were. It had sparked many an argument between them with the redhead always walking away a winner.

“I’d die before letting her know that though,” he hummed, tone mirthful, and with a deep breath, you threw him a polite smile.

It wasn’t lost on Steve, and so you shouldn’t have been surprised to hear him heave a sigh, letting you go.

“I understand that the technical age difference between us is monumental, but you are still an adult. This…habit of refusing to act like it as of late is getting old. Don’t you think…?”

You fought with yourself on whether or not to engage in this back and forth with him or not.

“I don’t understand what you mean, Steve,” you breathed, gaze still on the passing trees outside.

You sharply inhaled when your breathing was suddenly obstructed, Steve’s hand around your throat and only growing tighter by the second. Losing your cool for a moment, you reached up, grasping his arm and looking at him through wide eyes. His own baby blues were unreadable, pink lips pressed together as he studied you.

“You’re behaving like a child.”

“I haven’t-.”

“Do you think just because you’re not cursing my name that the whole coven can’t see you’re angry with me?”

Steve’s lips brushed your cheek as he leaned in, and when he loosened his hold ever so slightly, you knew that he actually wanted an answer.

“I’m not,” you forced out.

Steve hummed, tightening his hand a bit.

“You are…but that’s okay,” he quietly said, pulling away. “Let’s just get through tonight.”

He fixed the top of your dress as well as the choker around your throat.

“You will not embarrass me,” he continued, and you stared ahead as he stroked your cheek. “For your sake…because you know how much I hate it when you force my hand.”

You blinked, ignoring the sting behind your eyes as Steve leaned back in his seat, heaving a heavy sigh.

“She is quite the pretty thing, isn’t she?”

The smile on your face was tight, fingers around your drink tighter as the strange woman reached out to touch your chin. Nakia, if you remembered correctly. She was just as breathtaking as the rest, her dark eyes drinking you in as she talked to the woman next to her.

“I’d heard years ago that Steve had taken a new pet. I’m so glad you’re still alive so that I could meet you,” the other woman said, her dark hair contrasting with her fair skin. “He has such a temper, that one. Hardly a tolerance for anything.”

They chuckled amongst themselves, and you forced yourself to swallow down your disgust and disturbance at how casually they spoke of the death of innocent people before your time. Yes, you’d heard the odd comment here and there over the years of how you weren’t the first of Steve’s trinkets.

You were just the first to last this long.

Your oh so gracious owner was off mingling with the host of this soiree, a burly blond man with the deepest voice you’d ever heard. You recalled the way his multicolored eyes had appreciatively taken you in, nodding to himself and Steve as if he was congratulating the other man on a job well done. You really hated that it took Peter’s death to fully realize just how much you really detested all of this.

You felt like you were in hell.

…and the devil himself was fast approaching.

The women with you quieted at Steve’s advance, quietly slipping away after acknowledging him. You, however, were focused on the woman at his side. You’d only seen her once, and that was earlier in the night when you’d been introduced to her husband, Thor. They made an attractive couple, positive that the brunette’s natural beauty had only been enhanced after her transition.

“Y/N, you remember Jane.”

Steve hadn’t been happy with you most of the evening, and the slight warning in his blue gaze had your tight smile softening some.

“Of course, it’s lovely to meet you again,” you told her.

“You as well. I mentioned to Steve here that you must be so lonely with so few of your kind around, and he suggested we get to know one another better. He thought it might be good for you,” she gently replied.

She seemed kind enough, kinder than most you’d been around, but there was something in her smile that seemed…off. She and Steve shared one last look as he left you, and the woman with the kind eyes looped her arm with yours.

“Every century the neighboring covens get together to discuss their discretion and orders of succession and all that,” she eventually started as you both slowly made your way outside.

Where Steve’s estate was dark and imposing and stereotypical in every way, Thor’s mansion was much brighter and welcoming. There was a Norse quality about the architecture, and something in you—when combined with the origin of Thor’s name—wondered just how old the blond was. Jane paused in front of a happy statue, gazing up at it with a small smile.

“This is my first time too, and I don’t doubt that you find it as boring as I do,” she confessed, shocking you.

You frowned at her a bit, having not realized just how young she was in their years, and you blinked. Even Peter had been over a hundred, and you silently wondered when she’d been turned. You didn’t dare ask, both because it wasn’t your business and also because a good chunk of you couldn’t care less. However, your interest was piqued when she answered your silent question.

“I’ve been like this for maybe…seven years now?”

Your eyes widened at that, meeting her honey brown gaze.

“I think you’re the youngest I’ve ever met,” you told her, voicing your thoughts.

Her kindness and softness suddenly made a lot more sense. There was still so much humanity left in her, her human life still fresh in her spirit, her short years as a vampire unsuccessful in desensitizing her and leaving her void of empathy. So far, anyway. She tilted her head from side to side, seemingly mulling it over with a hum.

“Probably,” she agreed. “I’m definitely the youngest I know of…as of yet.”

She looked back to the statue at that, and something about that last comment made your chest ache. Only you didn’t know why.

“Thor made me,” she breathed, sounding happy about the fact. “He decided that he didn’t want to be without me, and I’d felt the same for some time at that point.”

The details that she was leaving out had your mind whirling, and she soon put you out of your misery.

“There was a time where I belonged to him just as you belong to Steve.”

She finally looked at you again as she told you this, and you were unable to hide your shock, lips parting.

“…what?”

It wasn’t unheard of, but it definitely wasn’t common either. Humans were pets, and pets were property, but let Natasha tell it, there had been the odd case of a human pet becoming a lover and eventually…a consort. An eternal companion.

“I see,” you eventually added, getting a hold of yourself. “Well…I suppose I’m happy for you.”

The way she studied you made you uncomfortable, and you found yourself playing with your hands.

“Thor was kind to me, always had been, and he treated me like nothing less than a princess.”

You didn’t really have a response to that. After all, how kind—how well could he really treat her—if he had been keeping her prisoner to feed off of for years? Jane certainly seemed happy enough, but you kept your thoughts to yourself on how you saw her situation as nothing more than a glorified victim. She’d fallen for her captor, not unheard of, and no less tragic just because she was like him, now.

“Steve is quite taken with you.”

That came out of nowhere to you, and you looked at her again. Again, there was something in her small smile that unnerved you, a glint in her eye that made your stomach twist. For the strangest reason, you felt like there was something you were missing, and you didn’t like it.

“After all, the rumor is he’s never kept a human this long before. I hear he doesn’t tolerate much,” she continued.

“That’s not untrue. I dare say I have another…one…maybe two years before he’s finally fed up with me,” you lightly teased although there was a hint of seriousness in your tone.

Deep down, you hoped that it was less.

Jane laughed, and your eyes met hers as she reached out to adjust your necklace.

“Silly girl,” she gently admonished. “I can’t foresee Steve ever being rid of you. He’s much too obsessed with you for that. Watches you like a hawk, that one does.”

You swallowed uncomfortably, stepping out of her reach a tad and watching as her hand fell.

“Well, he’ll have no choice someday. I am human, after all.”

Jane tilted her head, shoulder length brown hair kissing her skin as she studied you. There was a slight frown on her face as she dragged her gaze over you.

“For now.”

Those two simple words had your heart stuttering, and your face fell as you gave her your undivided attention.

“There’s quite an easy fix to ensure you’re at his side forever,” she reminded you, and it was then…

That you understood.

You took another step back from her, almost stumbling in your heels, and you couldn’t fix your mouth to form the words that your mind wanted to say. This entire conversation was stirring up thoughts you didn’t even want to entertain, didn’t even want to consider, because the thought was preposterous. Horrifying even, but why else?

Why else would Steve think it’d be good for the two of you to talk? Of all the new vampires in the world, why the one whose former master had made her like him so that she could be with him forever? Why her? You tried to push it down, but it assaulted your mind anyway, and you dazedly shook your head at her, apologizing before excusing yourself.

There was blood rushing in your ears, and you pressed your hand to your chest as you stumbled back inside, fighting to calm your heart for multiple reasons.

No.

Absolutely not.

You didn’t even want to think it, but it couldn’t be helped. Steve wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t, but as you repeated that to yourself, you wondered how true that was. Wasn’t it months ago that he’d killed the love of your life out of jealousy and some misguided belief that he loved you? Hadn’t he killed a vampire he’d known and had been intimate with for centuries for the same reasons?

Tears kissed your eyes as you stared at the floor, feeling just as cold as Steve did to the touch.

There had been a time when the prospect of eternal life called to you, back when the man you loved was till around. You’d only wanted to live forever if it were with him, and once he was out of the picture, all thoughts of that had ceased. You had never entertained the thought of becoming a vampire anyway, and especially not with Steve. Why would you?

You leaned against the wall, a few tears spilling over as you fought with yourself, telling yourself that you were just getting a head of yourself, that’s all. Jane’s own thoughts in regard to your mortality didn’t mean they were Steve’s. Maybe it was all in your head, a mere coincidence, but the refusal to believe otherwise didn’t prevent your legs from faltering, hand sliding along the wall as you struggled to keep yourself upright.

“Steve, she’ll be fine. Listen… She’s waking up, see?”

Sam’s voice seemed so loud in the otherwise quiet room, and you grimaced as your senses came back to you, greeted with none other than a headache. You really didn’t want to open your eyes, but pretending to be asleep in a room full of vampires had never and would never work. With reluctance, you peeled them open, staring up at a familiar ceiling.

You heard a deep exhale, and it wasn’t long before you were joined on the bed, a hand on your forehead.

You didn’t need to look over to know that it was Steve.

“…and you’re sure she’s alright?”

“No concussion or anything of the sort. Nothing to be concerned with either. It appears she just fainted, perhaps lightheaded or hungry.”

Dr. Banner’s voice was surprising to hear. It had been some time since you’d seen the dark-haired vampire, and you slowly looked over as he wrote something down on a clipboard. Sam was standing behind him while Natasha and Bucky sat on your couch, the redhead the picture of concern while her husband appeared as if he couldn’t care less.

“So, she’s been neglecting herself.”

Your heart dropped at the drop in Steve’s tone, and you hesitantly glanced up, finally looking at the blond and unsurprised to find his gaze already on you. He didn’t look happy, and you looked away, mentally preparing yourself for an earful.

“I wouldn’t say that. Humans are fragile, Steve, you know this. Any number of things could’ve caused her to feel faint, and seeing as no one was around to witness the moments prior, who is to say what really caused it. All that matters is she is healthy,” Dr. Banner argued.

You crossed your arms over your chest as they finished discussing you, and when Steve dismissed the other three after Dr. Banner’s departure, you sighed.

“Had you eaten?”

“Yes, Steve, I ate,” you assured him. “I just got lightheaded is all.”

You could feel his eyes on you, and you knew that he wouldn’t be looking away anytime soon, so you finally lifted your gaze again.

“I found you,” he confessed, jaw taut, and you almost wished he hadn’t.

There was no telling the thoughts in his head when he saw you lying there.

“I heard your heart beat faster than it ever had before…and then it slowed so suddenly I thought you were dead.”

“Well…I’m not, so…”

“You scared me.”

“Why?” you harshly asked, gaze accusatory as you narrowed your eyes at him. “I’m easily replaceable. If I die…I’m sure you can find another woman to kidnap.”

The blond harshly looked away at that, and you eyed him as he rested a hand on his hip.

“You say that so callously…like it wouldn’t hurt me to bury you,” he murmured, and your frown deepened.

“It shouldn’t. Who am I to you other than a warm body and a nightly cocktail?”

You jumped when he swiped a figurine off of your table. It had been a gift from him years ago, and you swallowed when his cold eyes met yours. Right. Let Steve tell it, he loved you, and that same thought that’d made you faint hours earlier threatened to overtake you again. You dismissively looked away from him, and considering how many times it had been pointed out to you tonight, you wondered what line you’d eventually cross that would push Steve to just…drain you dry.

“I’ve told you before Steve…you don’t know what love is,” you quietly said, staring at your sheets. “…and while I don’t doubt the worry you felt when you found me tonight, I do doubt that it had anything to do with love.”

You desperately wanted to ask him why he’d been so keen on you talking to Jane tonight. You wanted to ask him if he’d ever entertained the thought of turning you for himself, keeping you at his side forever and dragging out what should’ve been one miserable lifetime into infinite. You wanted to…but you were so terrified of the answer.

You were confident that Steve wouldn’t, but there was some small part of you that said otherwise, and the more you laid there, the bigger that part of you became. The voice became louder, whispering the unthinkable, and you turned over, quietly and politely asking Steve to leave you be. You were sure he wouldn’t drink from you tonight, but you wanted him gone, nonetheless.

…because if there was truth to your newfound fears…

You would slit your throat in a heartbeat.

Steve listened to you, albeit reluctantly, but not without nearing your bed and resting his hand on your forehead again. He stood there for some time, just standing over you and watching you, and you squeezed your eyes shut when he brushed his thumb over your skin. Your eyes burned when he leaned down, pressing his lips into your hair and deeply inhaling. It was too reminiscent of something he wasn’t, too much like a lover, and you only relaxed again when he was gone.

The morning of your birthday was greeted with the finest of foods and finest of gifts. No different than the years before, but all the more depressing. Last year, you’d eaten your breakfast with the excitement of seeing Peter afterwards. You had smiled at Natasha as she ran you a milk bath, playing with the rose petals because you knew that you’d be spending most of your day with Peter. His presence had made the grand fanfare of your party something meaningful instead of the conceited and egotistic brag of Steve that it actually was.

Today, however…

Today you had nothing and no one to look forward to.

You were polite as you opened gift after gift, thanking Natasha for the dress or Sam for the bracelet or Bucky for the wine. The last one was done with a barely hidden sneer. After all, the wine was more so a gift for Steve than for you, the saccharine drink given with the purpose of making your blood taste sweeter.

Nothing about this day was actually for you.

Every gift and every praise were done to exalt Steve.

You had to look your best at your party tonight because anything less, and you’d embarrass Steve. Everyone had to ooh at the pretty jewelry Steve’s pet wore. Everyone had to aah at the gorgeous dress Steve’s pet wore. Everyone had to see how lavishly he spoiled you, how well he looked after you, how wonderful a master he was.

It made you sick.

“It might get old after some time, but it really is so exciting to celebrate an actual birthday,” Natasha told you as she dragged the small brush over your lips. “It’s so miniscule or even non existent with human eyes, I’m sure, but you do look a whole year older.”

“I feel ten years older,” you half joked.

She chuckled at the comment, either unaware or completely ignoring the implication that you felt so aged after Peter’s death.

“A mortal life is really so fleeting. A blink of an eye to us,” she mused with a small frown. “I swear, it was just yesterday that you were first brought here.”

The redhead paused, looking down at you with a wistful gaze.

“So young…so terrified…”

She hummed, continuing with her work.

You tried not to think of those first few months you were here. They were too painful, to be honest. After all, what was there to look back on but the loss of your best friend by the very same man you were forced to be around all the time? The years gone by had done nothing to lessen the anger and hurt every time you looked at Bucky.

An average day to him was one of the worst of your life.

When Natasha felt satisfied enough with you, she smiled, brushing her hand along your cheek.

“You look so radiant…like a birthday girl,” she praised. “Steve will be pleased.”

Your face fell some at that, reminded that once again, a compliment for you was never actually for you.

Like last year, the manor was full of vampires with the occasional human pet tagging along. Unlike last year though, there were way more people in attendance. You even caught sight of Thor and Jane, and you thought it was ironically fitting that the one year full of more extravagance and fanfare than the others was the one year you just wanted to drop dead.

Natasha was right, of course.

Steve was more than pleased with your look for the night, and he gave her a thankful nod as he took your hand. His own was gentle in yours, and you pointedly ignored the way he brushed his thumb over the back of it. Steve looked as impeccable as he always did, and your gaze passed over him as you looked around the room.

“You look beautiful tonight.”

You took a deep breath before looking at him with the perfect smile.

“Thank you, Steve.”

He stared into your eyes for a few moments before his own smile grew, satisfaction crossing his features at your dedication to be on your best behavior. When his small smile shifted into a small smirk, you were tempted to be defiant just for the hell of it.

He brought your hand to his lips as he walked through the room, leading you to the head table.

You spent so much of the night repeating empty thanks to faces both familiar and those not. You were positive not a single compliment was genuine, every one accompanied with another compliment to Steve. She looks as radiant as always. You take such good care of her. She’s the perfect reflection of you. It was dehumanizing in a way you couldn’t even articulate, and you thought that you’d be used to it after years, but again…

With Peter not around to soften the blow…

When you danced with Steve, you didn’t look at him. You kept your gaze on the guests around you, giving the impression of a thankful birthday girl when in actuality, you couldn’t really stomach the sight of Steve. An entire day that should’ve been dedicated to you being dedicated to him in a roundabout way instead was too disheartening.

“You look better,” he whispered in your ear. “You heart sounds strong too.”

You swallowed a sigh, your smile falling some.

“If I didn’t…would that stop you from coming to me tonight and doing what you’ve wanted to do for days?”

“Didn’t it stop me already?”

You didn’t respond to that, only sending Natasha a forced smile when you caught her eye. Steve’s hands fell to your waist, and he lifted you a tad as he spun you, sharp teeth winking at you as he grinned.

“It’s your birthday, my love…” your heart dropped at that. “Smile and be happy.”

You were still looking at him strangely when he led you back to the table, wondering where on earth such a term of endearment had come from. You pushed it away when he left you there, Natasha immediately pulling you into conversation. It was hard to focus, the feel of Steve’s hand in yours and the sound of his voice in your ear on your mind.

My love?

You wondered if centuries on this earth could drive a vampire mad. Nothing about what you and Steve had was loving, and it seemed that no matter how many times you pointed that out to him, he only became more deluded. It was like trying to get through a brick wall, and when the time came for Steve to give you his gift, you only wanted this night to be over.

“Y/N has been a part of this coven for years, now,” Steve said, standing beside you as you sat. “Something both surprising to others and myself…but I’ve come to find great comfort at the sight of her face every day.”

You looked up at him in wonder, thinking to yourself that his birthday speech from last year was far less intimate and more appreciative of the blood you unwillingly provided him a few times a week. You watched as he opened the jewelry box you’d seen him fiddle with all evening. The light glinted off of the necklace.

The diamonds were plentiful, but what caught your eye—and what was probably meant to—was the green stone at the center of it. Everything Steve had ever given you was excessive in some way, but this was different. It didn’t look like something passed down through the generations or some nice ring to compliment your fingers.

This was a necklace bought with intention.

You felt uneasy as Steve guided you to stand, fingers lingering on yours a bit before moving behind you. You looked everywhere and nowhere all at once, afraid to catch anyone’s eye. You were used to the attention, especially on this day, but you couldn’t stop the heavy feeling in your chest from growing. The necklace was cool against your skin, and you shuddered as it pressed into your throat with the tightening of Steve’s hand.

You swallowed, tempted to reach up when he finally loosened his hold, hooking it closed and adjusting it to his liking.

“You deserve nothing but the best on your birthday, but this necklace is fit for a queen,” Steve said, speaking to you now. “A mistress of the house.”

You slowly turned to look at him at that, face falling. Steve reached out, touching your face, and you couldn’t ignore the way your heart pounded in your chest. Your eyes burned at the meaning behind his words, telling yourself that it wasn’t what you thought.

“I’ve ruled this coven by myself for centuries…”

“Steve…”

“…and you’ve only been by my side for a few short years of that, but I intend to rule centuries more…with you right next to me.”

Your hands shook, and you realized that the loud noise in your ears wasn’t the rush of your blood or even your loud heartbeat, but instead the awed excitement of all the vampires before you. Steve took your hand, pulling you closer, and in your confusion, you stumbled towards him.

“As my wife…my eternal lover…my consort.”

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