#she's lasted so much longer than she was told. she was told she wouldnt make it to christmas

[monstriiss]

ooc: hey gays things are likely to be even more sparse in the coming days :/

#;; ooc. #negative tw #medical tw #things aren't doing that great with mum and it's really showing now so we don't have long #she's lasted so much longer than she was told. she was told she wouldnt make it to christmas #not only did she make it to that but she got to her 59th birthday so she's done so well #but yeah im going to likely be more quiet than usual for a bit #and i'll update if things happen #;; tbd.

[rosssesposts]

Arguments…with a twist?

Ight so this finna be a pain in the ass cause I’m finna have to switch from the Spanish translator to this cause ion speak the damn language so y’all work with me 😭 also this is a make of my last post in case y’all dunno where this came from 👍🏽

POV: You and Miguel having an argument infront of Miles and you both forget he speaks Spanish to(hope this not trash man imma cry 😭)

Warning: cursing, lots of dirty talk in the mix,implied smut but not too much,fluff after argument, reader being a brat(🌚)

“¡Maldito Miguel! ¿Por qué tienes que ser tan terco?”( Damnit Miguel! Why do you have to be so stubborn!) Y/n shouted at Miguel. Miguel had been on Y/n’s ass all week about her being careless on missions and doing risky stuff. He cared too much for her to let her keep doing stuff like this. So he put his foot down and told her she wasn’t allowed on missions anymore. “Cariño, amor de mi vida, por favor entiende, estás poniendo demasiado en riesgo tu vida para mi gusto y ya no la tendré más.”(Sweetheart, Love of my life, please understand, you are putting your life at risk too much for my liking and I wont have it anymore.)

Miguel had tried to reason with her so many times and has been so soft spoken with her, trying not to outburst at her in any way possible. He needed her to understand how much she meant to him. “Mi amor, te aseguro que estoy bien y puedo cuidarme solo, te preocupas demasiado. Sabes que puedo cuidar de mí mismo.”(My love I assure you, I am fine and can take care of myself you worry too much. You know I can take care of myself.) Y/n understand Miguel’s concerns, but you were more than capable of handling yourself and you knew that HE knew that. You saw the scowl on Miguel’s face starting to form but slowly go down as he was trying not to snap at you. “T/n, por última vez, no más misiones y eso es definitivo, ahora deja de discutir conmigo.” (Y/n, for the last time, no more missions and that is final, now stop arguing with me.) Miguel said sternly sick of the debating with you, looking at you with a serious face. You sat there with a mad expression on your face about to lash out at him but you take a deep breathe and relax.

“Eres un maldito bruto, Miguel. ¡Por qué tienes que ser tan idiota!(You are suching a fucking brute, Miguel. Why must you be such a asshole!) And that was it. The tip of the iceberg. Miguel’s eyes flashed red and pinned you to the wall in the blink of an eye. You gasped in fear and looked up to Miguel seeing his eyes glowing a bloody red in anger. You sat there waiting for him to yell at you or say anything at that. “Pequeña puta malcriada”(You bratty little whore) He spat at you with anger and a bit of lust in his voice. Your eyes widen and breathe hitched and started to get a bit scared. “todo lo que trato de hacer es proteger a mi dulce T/n y ¿qué obtengo a cambio, eh? Ella comienza a actuar como la pequeña puta malcriada que es...”(all i try to do is protect my sweet Y/n and what do i get in return, huh? She starts acting like the bratty little cock whore she is...) Miguel spoke out breathing out with Y/n still pinned. You sat there flustered, not knowing what to do or say. You stood there between your lover and the wall embarrassed and shamed. “Tal vez, debería darle lo que quiere, ¿eh? Que la engañen y la follen como la pequeña mocosa que es para poder recordar a quién pertenece, hm, ¿no te gustaría ese amor?”(Maybe, I should give her what she wants hm? To be dicked down and fucked out like the little brat she is so she can remeber who she belongs to, hm? Wouldnt you like that sweetheart?) Miguel spoke looking down at you. You just tilted your head down embarrassed not knowing what to do. Miguel grabbed you face making you look at him, his eyes no longer red. He looked at your face red and flushed and he….chuckled. You had a confused look on your face. “Awww amor, ¿dónde está todo ese ladrido que tenías? No sabía que solo se necesitaba eso para hacerte desmoronarte, cariño.” (Awww love, wheres all that bark you had? Didn’t know it only took that to make you crumble sweetheart.) Miguel chuckles in your face, while you look at him with a pouty red face. “Listen mi vida(my life), I know I’m hard on you, but I love you, you know that.” Miguel says moving his hand to your cheek. “And if something were to happen to you, I…” He starts to tear up. You grab his hand on your cheek and squeeze it looking up at him, “shhh amor, está bien. estás atrapado conmigo, te guste o no. Y siento que soy descuidado en nuestras salidas. Prometo tener más cuidado, o me quedaré aquí como dijiste hasta que sientas que estoy listo...”(shhh amor, its ok. your stuck with me whether you like it or not, and im sorry that im careless on our outings. I promise to be more careful, or ill just stay here like you said til you feel like im ready...)

Miguel looks at you with teary eyes and smiles. He leans in and kisses you on the forehead and leans his against yours. “Amor(Love),if you can promise me you will be more careful….” He pleaded. You smile softly. “I promise cariño(Dear)…I love you.” Y/n softly speaks. “I love you to, Y/n”

(Meanwhile with Miles sitting there):

#atsv fic #miguel x you #miguel o’hara x reader #atsv smut #atsv #atsv miguel #miguel o'hara #miles molares #atsv miles #astv fanfic #atsv x you #atsv spiderman

[rand0mfangurlstuff]

I'll Look After You - Bucky x Y/N

This is my first ever fanfic. I dont know why I wrote this, I never ever thought I'd actually write a fic or post it. But this just wouldnt leave my head. I hope you enjoy and please give me feedback!

***********************************************************************

It had been a tough misson. They lost a lot of men. Bucky had gotten a bad concussion and broke two ribs. Despite Buckys protests that her was fine, he was put straight to the infirmary. He was told he would have to stay there for at least a week if not longer. At this news Bucky almost had a fit. He wanted to go back up in the air as soon as possible and 'show those Nazi pigs who's boss'. His protests went on deaf ears.

She noticed on the first night that he was awake much later than the other patients. She turned out the lights and told him to rest, to which he just nodded. At 4am when the other nurse came to take over; she noticed he was still awake. Surely soon sleep would take over him.

Bucky couldnt sleep. No, Bucky refused to sleep. With sleep came nightmares. Nightmares of torn off legs and burnt faces. Planes exploding right infront of his eyes. The sound of his men screaming in pain and fear. No. Bucky would not sleep.

The following night she was greeted to the same thing. All the men fast asleep and Major John Egan wide awake. Though it was clear by his sunken in eyes he was exhausted. He tried his best to hide his frequent yawns behind the book he was reading, but she could see and hear them clearly. 'Major Egan, you should be asleep by now.' 'I'm not tired.' he said as he fought back another yawn. 'You're exhausted. And your body needs sleep to recover. You'll never be cleared to get back in that plane if you dont sleep.' Noticing the stern look on her face Bucky decided to feign sleep so she would leave him alone. 'Fine, I'll go to sleep. Goodnight.' 'Goodnight Major.'

As much as he tried not to, Bucky did fall asleep as soon as he closed his eyes. Around forty minutes passed, forty minutes of blissful slumber. Cradled among the warm blankets and soft pillows of the infirmay; his body was totally serene. His mind however, was in turmoil. As the nightmares came once again, Bucky started to cry out in his sleep. 'Curt! Curt! Engine 3! Buck...' She heard him straight away, he wasnt the first pilot to have these types of dreams. His body thrashed against the bed. 'Major Egan, its okay, Major wake up.'

He shot upright in his bed with a scream. He wasnt flying the misson. He was in bed, with two thin arms wrapped around his torso. He looked at her then, really looked at her. She was scared. A shocked and timid look on her face. Was she scared of him? 'I'm sorry, I dont know what-' 'You had a nightmare. It's okay. It's normal.' Normal. Bucky did not feel normal. He had always been able to keep his cool. Not feel a thing. Now all he could do was feel. Feel the ache in his soul and the ache in his ribs. 'I'm sorry Nurse...' 'Y/N' she said with a warm smile. She was sitting on the edge of his bed. He hadnt seen her this up close before. She had long hair, it looked soft. Her eyes were kind, and her gentle smile made him feel something he wasnt sure of. 'Y/N' he played with her name on his tongue, he liked the way it sounded. It suited her perfectly.

He tried to sit up against the headboard, make himself look less vulnerable. As he moved he gasped at the stabbing pain in his ribs. 'God damn!' 'Easy there Major, let me help.' She adjusted his pillows and helped prop him up. She was so close he could smell her perfume. Warm, vanilla, like a freshly baked cookie. But also spicy. He felt intoxicated. He missed the last thing she said to him he was in such a trance. 'I'm sorry what did you say?' With concern all over her pretty face, she said 'I'm just going to get you some more pain meds okay?' she turned and walked to the medicine cabinet.

He took a deep breath and tried to calm his heart rate. He wasnt sure if it was going so fast because of the nightmare, or her. She returned a moment later with two painkillers and a glass of water. 'Here you go Major.' He took the pills from her delicate hand. 'Bucky. You can call me Bucky.' He swallowed the pills. 'Mm Bucky. Cool nickname.' His heart skipped a beat hearing his name from her mouth. And she thought it was cool? He felt like a fourteen year old again. 'You should go back to sleep Major. You need your rest.' Bucky knew there wasnt a hope in hell of him going back to sleep, but he smiled and nodded so to not dissapoint her.

An hour later she was doing her rounds, checking on each patient; most of who were sleeping. Except one. Major John 'Bucky' Egan. 'Bucky, why arent you sleeping?' He lifted the book in his hands 'It's just this book Y/N, I gotta know how it ends!' She smirked, 'I saw you finish that book yesterday.' His face grew red. He'd been caught. But he couldnt possibly humiliate himself by admitting he was afraid of going to sleep for fear of his own mind.

Y/N could see it. Just as she'd seen it plenty times before. Though this case was definetly the worst. She didnt know much about Bucky, but the way the other nurses talked about his charm and swagger made her this he was not the type of man who would willingly admit his fear. She wouldnt force him to either. She grabbed the chair next to his bed and pulled it closer. She picke up the book from his lap and opened it on the first page and started reading. 'In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind...' 'What are you doing?' The confusion on Buckys face would have made a great picture. 'You've read this book twice in two days? I have to see what all the fuss is about.' She continued to read out loud in a soft melodic voice. A voice so soothing and gentle it sent Bucky straight to sleep. Even after he nodded off Y/N kept reading. Hoping that her voice could reach him in his dreams and keep him away from the darkness that lurked in his mind.

The next morning, Bucky awoke to a sight so rare, so unthinkable, he had to blink several times to make sure it was real. Y/N was still by his side, asleep on the small wooden chair, her cardigan draped over her. She had stayed, stayed by his side all night long. It was at this moment Bucky realised this was the first night in a long time he'd slept the whole night through without a single nightmare. Because she was there to protect him.

#masters of the air #mota #mota fanfic #masters of the air fanfic #john egan x oc #john egan x y/n #john bucky egan #bucky egan #gale clevin #masters of the air fan fiction #callum turner #i cant believe i wrote this #my first fanfic #i hope this is good #please give feedback #Masters of the air fanfiction

[nightmyst14-blog]

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!!

I'm still working on the story for Sour Cream, but its taking a bit longer than I longer since I've been busy last weekend and still kinda tired. I am still going to work on it, but I still wanted to post today!

So have some ships for Valentine's Day!!

AstroNova- Xylitol Nova still have a lot to learn about Earthbread, but read up on the customs for Valentine's day, so he created Astronaut a light show with his tech to make her smile. She made him chocolate hearts to gift him so he can try.

BlueEclair- Eclair adore his librarian wife, so he got her a brooch to celebrate the day. Blueberry Pie got him a special relic for Valentine's Day, knowing how much he adores them.

AbyssPearl (or in this case, OctoPearl): Octopus back when they were a high regent, they and White Pearl were always seen together. One faur day, when it was told that the gem mermaids wouldnt be returning back to crumbling Sugarteara, Octopus gave her a beautiful gift. A small pristine egg made with their combined magic. So she could have to remember them by. Touched by their thoughtful gift, White Pearl gifted them a mermaid's kiss, hoping they would see each other again.

Floral CheeseCake (or RedBurntLilac): Honestly all three almost forgot about the day, but equally thought the other two remembered. Red Velvet made Burnt Cheese and Lilac special rings, Lilac brought his dog boys bouquets in their signature colors, and Burnt Cheese got special brooches for the Cake commander and the assassin. It was hilarious and heart-warning when they all realize what happened.

ClottedClover- Secret lovers for Valentine's day,, mostly so Clotted Cream's father won't find out. Clover had created a special ballad along with a picnic for Clotted, while the Consul brought him flowers. They had a wonderful time in each other's company.

FinanciArrow- Financier got time off for Valentine's Day, so she traveled to Dark Cacao Kingdom to spend the day with Caramel Arrow, having a fun time learning about her girlfriend's culture and spending time in the snow. Caramel Arrow was so happy to have her there,rarely leaving her side.

#cookie run kingdom #cookie run #cookie run ovenbreak #crk headcanons #astronaut cookie #xylitol nova cookie #blueberry pie cookie #eclair cookie #black pearl cookie #white pearl cookie #abyss monarch cookie #octopus cookie #red velvet cookie #burnt cheese cookie #lilac cookie #clotted cream cookie #clover cookie #financier cookie #caramel arrow cookie

[bridgyrose]

Ruby talking to WBY & ALPN (Jnpr 2.0) about what neo put her through. Focusing on what each fake said and meant

(Had to adjust a lot of this in order to make it not OOC for Ruby, so enjoy Ruby having some ptsd and anxiety over what she tells her friends)

Ruby stared at the tea in front of her, her fingers tensing up as she reached for the cup and relaxing as she finally wrapped them around the handle. While she had managed to get over most of what happened in the Ever After, there were still a few things that bothered her. Nightmares of Penny and Pyrrha reminding her of her failures, the way her body seemed to freeze when she saw a grimm as she silently questioned to herself if she was still ready for this, waiting for the tea to change into a rainbow of colors as she stared at it longer than intended, fingers tapping the cup before taking a quick sniff of the tea, and then a small sip. Her body relaxed as she tasted the familiar taste of chamomile, a small sigh leaving her lips. “Are you sure we should be relaxing like this? We could be trying to help out with the fights that keep breaking out-” 

“You need this, Ruby,” Oscar said, his voice filled with concern. “And we can all see it. You’re not like how you used to be. Always second guessing yourself, putting up a mask of optimism instead of genuinely believing it… we worry about you.” 

Weiss nodded and put a hand on Ruby’s shoulder. “And you still havent told us what happened between you and Neo. Anytime it comes up, you start clamming up and focusing on everything else around you.” 

“I’m fine-” 

“You “killed” yourself in front of us, Rubes,” Yang interrupted. “You looked us in the eyes and fell through the ground after drinking that tea. Please, what happened?” 

Ruby sighed and gently put her teacup down, her fingers shaking as she tapped the handle of her teacup, nails gently clicking against the porcelain. “Neo… brought back everyone I failed, everyone that I thought I could trust. Ozpin, Lionheart, Ironwood, Clover, Penny… Pyrrha.” The last name had come out quietly as she glanced at Jaune, her voice breaking. “She used Roman and the rest of them as a mouthpiece. She voiced her anger at me, reminding me of my failures. How I was too slow to save Pyrrha, that I could’ve trusted Ironwood, that I let Penny die, again! I-I didnt want to fail you again. I… I didnt want to be me.” 

Silence filled the air as everyone took in what Ruby had just told them, and all she could do was stare at her tea, watching as her memories started to take over. The words from each of them, running through her mind, no matter how much she tried to push it away. 

“Who were you to think that you knew best for Atlas?” 

“But I traded my life so my friends could live!” 

“Just like you were too late to save me at the Vytal Festival… I died in Atlas too, didn’t I? Can you imagine what that's like? To be completely and utterly failed... time and again... by someone who meant the world to you…”

“How many more lives do you have to ruin before you realize you’re not cut out to save anyone?!” 

Her arms shook as tears started to well up in her eyes. Months of emotions that she had held back, months of trying to keep herself calm only to watch everything slowly slip away over and over again finally started to hit the breaking point as she felt everything slip for a moment. 

“None of this is your fault, Ruby.” 

Ruby flinched as she felt Jaune’s hand on her shoulder, a tear dropping from her cheek and onto the table as she looked over at him, shaking her head. “I couldnt save Penny, I was too slow to save Pyrrha, Atlas fell because of my plan.” 

“You saved thousands, Ruby,” Oscar said with a smile as he placed his hand on hers. “Atlas may be gone, but her people are here, surviving. I cant say its been easy for any of us, but I can say that without you, the world wouldnt be as united as it is now. Everyone heard your message, and help came. Because of you, we’re in a better spot. Because of you, people have lived and we have a chance to stop Salem.” 

Ruby nodded and looked around at her friends, her family, all of them far from home and even farther from the people she had first met. “What if… what we’re doing isnt enough? What if all we’re doing is delaying Salem? She already has two relics, who’s to say she doesnt have the crown now?” 

“Then we’ll be by your side no matter what!” Nora exclaimed with a grin. 

Blake smiled and sat down next to Ruby. “And we’ll be here for you to lean on, to share this burden so you’re not the only one carrying it.” 

“But what if I’m wrong again?!” Ruby pulled her hand away from Oscar and clutched her head. “Pyrrha sacrificed herself so the rest of us could live, I thought I knew what was best for Atlas and the kingdom fell, everyone I’ve tried to help has died and no matter how many times I try to do things differently, all I do is ruin everything for everyone!” 

Weiss sighed and looked down at her rapier, thumbing the empty revolver. “We all made mistakes and what happened in Atlas didnt have any easy answers. All we can do is move forward. Which means resting and trying giving yourself time to grieve. Time you havent been giving yourself. Besides, you said it yourself, that was Neo trying to get to you. Penny would never think you let her down.” 

Ruby took a breath and wiped the tears from her eyes as she tried to calm herself, her heart still pounding in her chest. “Right… I’ll… I’ll get some rest.” 

“You can trust the rest of us to keep everything under control until you’re ready again.” Oscar stood up and smiled, his eyes flashing green. “And I promise you, Miss Rose, all of us are grateful for what you’ve done. Even if it doesnt feel like it, you’ve done much more to help others than you know.”

#rwby #ruby rose #rwby ruby rose #weiss schnee #blake belladonna #yang xiao long #jaune arc #nora valkyrie #oscar pine #drabbles #angsty drabbles

[wanderrlust0]

-.-

idk why he says nothings wrong when i ask him, when clearly something is wrong. ik how he is & when somethings up but he still denied it. i understand if he doesnt wanna get into it rn or he just wants to let it go but like in this case, i pretty much know exactly what its about that could be bothering him & the only way to put him at ease is to talk about it….again! this one specific thing triggered his mood last night & i didnt even think it would. i noticed a red scratch mark on my chest and sent him a pic saying how i think his cat made the scratch. his reply was soo serious, like i could actually feel him doubting me thru the phone. i knew he was questioning if it was really the cat bc he said how he was close to my chest the other day and didnt see anything so that is odd that theres a scratch. !! i immediately knew where his mind went & that thought didnt even occur to me when i sent that pic..like if i knew that would cause him to think of this crazy scenario then i wouldnt have sent that snap in the first place tbh bc right after that, his tone & the way he texted just shifted. hes not the best at masking his feelings like me so i can tell when the energy feels different. i also posted some pics from the hangout on my ig story & he saw it later that night. i have a feeling that added to his misery and all of today it was so prevalent, even if he denies it. idc if he says nothings wrong bc its not convincing and its not just in my head. he went from msging me all cutesy & happy to immediately being more neutral & uninterested. we always send a snap to say good morning (unless we get busy but we still send a snap with whatever we’re doing). he didnt open the app, as well as reply to my snap, until 7:15pm.. around 4 was when i asked him whats wrong (bc i already knew he was ignoring me). his response was that nothing really is wrong and how he went straight to work and his boss switched his assignment. usually id let that go but not when its already past 7 and hes firsttt opening snapchat to answer me ? and i see that hes been on instagram. also.. hes always talking to me when hes either at work already, still at home, or driving to work. the only time he goes mia like that is when something is definitely upsetting him. also!.. when that happens, he will text me after a couple hrs to let me know how hes feeling & why he was silent. he didnt always do that but i told him to bc its not fair to me by feeling like ive done something or just the feeling of purposely being ignored by my own boyfriend. but yeah.. he didnt do any of that this time BC its this whole situation again. i really dont know what more i could do to reassure him about it. i feel like ive done and am doing all that i can rn. its mostly up to him now to let himself figure it out and honestly, just trust me. like just saying.. im not gonna be making that mistake that you (both) did and be stupid with it.. and neither will snow. theyre not a “friend” its actually becoming really genuine and sweet and i wont let it get ruined bc of him doubting me. i also wont let the friendship ruin me and him. i really cant help but compare it to what he did with his friend, especially since i just found out like a month ago. i also have this suspicion that it happened earlier that yr (when we were still together) than what he told me, but i dont even wanna think about that for any longer. i was told by her Husband! that it happened when they were still in school together. that means a year before. idk if i believe that. she mightve lied, but my suspicion’s still there. like i asked him if he remembered what month and he couldnt. all he knew was that it was during our break..-.- the what.…like 1 1/2 month long break. you dont remember which month..? i sound so salty rn omg i dont mean to. im just trying to understand. ill see how he is with me tm bc we barely talked today. kind of glad i worked most of the day so i was able to keep busy and not hyper focus on him ignoring me.

#mypost #journal #continued in the comments

[chaeinedup]

Hot and cold

CH05- Night breeze

Warning: none :)

previous// //next

[4:30PM]

Y/n: Why am I kinda nervous? or excited? or anxious?

Yunjin: You're out of practice ahah.

Y/n: Don't say thaaaat!

NingNing: Girls this is important, out of practice or not it's a big deal!!! One of us is getting some development in the romance department!!

Yunjin: Okay she's definitely more excited than you are ahah.

Y/n: He told me to bring a jacket so we're going somewhere chilly I think.

Ningning: Do not worry I will make you look the absolute cutest and comfy of course. Let's go to my room my closet is better.

[6:30PM]

You had one hour left and you didn't know what to do with your time. You were fully ready, the girls had headed to the gym and there you were alone with your thoughts. The reason why Yunjin joked you were out of practice it's actually because it's true. Not many people know about your last relationship but the ones that do saw how much of a toll it took on you. You promised yourself you wouldn't put yourself through such pain again.

Obviously you've had your fair share of flirtatious moments here and there but nothing ever bloomed from that. But Jake did make it easy to like him, he's sweet, funny, really really smart and extremely pretty as well. When he came to your house to drop off your airpods you felt something you haven't in a long time. A certain fuzyness or butterflies or whatever people like to call it. Part of you was excited to have a new crush but the other was scared of all the possible outcomes. What if it goes wrong? What if it's a bet? What if he's using you?

Suffering with hypothetical situations was your specialty but you didn't take pride in it. You want to protect yourself so much you end up hurting yourself in the process. You know this does more harm than good but it is quite hard to leave such habit when you've had it all your life.

The sound of a notification broke your thought process and you took it from your lap to read the text. It was Jake saying he was waiting outside. You look at the time and 7:20pm. You could've sworn only 5 minutes had passed but you were happy he saved you from your own thoughts.

You got up, not forgetting your bag and stepped outside. It was colder than any of your stylists had predicted and you made a mental note to tell them a skirt wasn't a smart move. You were very happy with how you looked, it's been way too long since you really dressed up.

Carefully, you crossed the street, opening the car door to get in. You made yourself comfortable and thanked jake in your head for having the heating on.

Jake: I see you brought a jacket, I'm kinda sad about it.

Ah yes he's so sad about, like his beautiful smile wasn't on full display.

Y/n: I must say I did have help choosing such a pretty outfit. One day I'll introduce you to my stylists.

Jake: Stylists? You brought the big guns, am I really that special?

Y/n: Wouldnt you like to know that ahha just drive.

[9:00PM]

Y/n: It was very nice of you to prepare this. It was a beautiful picnic thank you.

Jake: You're welcome. I'm glad you were impressed ahah.

Y/n: Woah there, let's not exagerate cowboy. I'm grateful not impressed ahah.

Jake: And I'm no longer sad since you still needed my jacket.

Y/n: The girls and I shoud've definetely checked the weather the skirt wasn't a brilliant idea.

Jake: I think it was a great idea. You look good and i got to inderectely warm you.

Y/n: I kinda wished it would've been directely.

You were looking at his eyes waiting for maybe a scoff or a laugh but you instead got a expectant look and shy smile. Jake has this "smooth" "everything under control" look all the time so you'd assumed his response would be filled with confidence but instead he looked like a happy puppy. The sight was melting your heart which made you freeze in place and get too much in your head. The only thing that brought you back to reality were his arms around you.

He had sat himself behind you hugging your frame with one arm and the other, rearranging his jacket on your legs so the cool breeze of the beach wouldn't touch your soft skin.

Jake: You could've said it earlier. It would've been my pleasure.

Y/n: I guess I was waiting for you to just do it.

Jake smiled behind you. To him this was the comfirmation he needed. That you were into him as much as he was into you. His heart was skipping so many beats he was hoping you wouldnt notice it since your head was on his chest. He was the happiest guy alive and the luckiest one too.

He soflty kissed your temple, letting you both to enjoy the view infront of you. To you the ocean, and to him, you.

#enhypen #enhypen imagine #enhypen fanfic #enhypen oneshot #enhypen scenario #enhypen au #enhypen masterlist #enhypen fluff #sim jake #jake sim #enhypen jake #jake x reader #jake fluff #jake scenario #jake imagine #jake oneshot #jake au #jake imagines #jake x you

[floosies]

" run around just so i dont have to think about thinking. the silent sense of content that everyone gets just disappears soon as the sun sets."

he had the same routine every morning. even on his days off he had a routine. since the first demagorgon he's needed it. he's relied on it heavily. when his parents were home it was easier to forget about the nightmares and worries.

but it never lasted, because to them he was a well behaved boy who needed independence to grow into a responsible man. so after a couple of months at home they'd pack up and head out again. another month or so alone.

it was worse without robin. he would wake up screaming for someone to help him, to save him only to be met with the silence from the empty house. its why he avoided being alone like the plague, why he didnt mind if dustin wanted to have sleepovers or constantly ask for rides to the arcade.

sure he hated scoops ahoy but it meant he wouldnt be left alone with his thoughts. he saw the way dustin and robin enjoyed silence, like a prize after a long day. he wished he could feel the same, but when he sat alone in the silence his mind wandered to every possible way he could have prevented things, questioning if he was really alive, wondering why robin stuck around, if dustin would realize he wasnt worth idolizing.

they didnt know, he didnt want them to know the way his mind had changed so much since the first attack. he just wanted to protect them.

it worsened when he started working at family video. then he really wouldnt let up, every moment was planned, robin was constantly around him, and he went to sleep with the tv on high. on bad nights he even went to bed with his walkman blasting music from the headphones as loud as he could get it. sleep was never the same after everything. they all had that problem, they all knew they felt safer near each other but they also knew it was better to try not to depend on each other too much.

steve's condition, his new dilemma had become so engrained in his every day he slowly started to view it as normal.

(im not leaving it at that. he deserves some love and peace, so keep reading please ♥)

when she got to know him, really know him, she picked up on how he hated ending the day, how he would try and make people stay longer. she had nowhere really to be and would often find herself being the last person at his place.

they'd critize a celebrity on a late night show or the news stories they'd watch on the local news station. he'd bring up random facts that robin or dustin told him.

slowly she would start to stay over. they'd fall asleep with arms entangled tightly. she'd unintentionally end up meeting his parents on a few occassions, but they didnt mind, their minds were elsewhere, never really with their son. but her mind was always with him. she felt for him, she liked him, maybe even more.

it was gradual, but she came to ask him about it, about the nightmares and fears he had. he admitted to feeling selfish for not denying her staying over all the time or constantly calling her. she was robin's friend first, but she made it clear it made her happy to know he saw her as his safety net.

robin had mentioned he'd been through a lot and she was just glad he thought of her as a person he could trust. but by the time they'd had this conversation everyone else had already been miles ahead and knew they shared something more than friendship.

he moved out of his parents home a month or so after and moved in with her. the apartment wasnt big but it felt safe. her home felt like his home, it was welcoming, it was as warm as her. she was his peace, the one he had found hard to come by. he held her just as tightly as he had the first night they slept beside each other, he loved her. she loved him, and the silence in the night was easier, lighter, and sometimes filled with whispers against lips.

#steve harrington headcanon #steve harrington #joe keery #blurb #stranger things #Spotify

[kasugas]

GAIDEN THOUGHTS

I have too many to count so im making this a draft and then posting it when i think ive gotten my thoughts out enough.

The fact that they made this game significantly gorier than previous games was cool as hell. The blood looking water-thin was kind of funny though.

While I kind of focused on the main story for my playthrough I did feel like this game was kind of lackluster in terms of content for the price point. Y6 is longer and was like. less than half the price. Granted i think the fighting engine and everything from judgment is a massive improvement it just feels funny paying a lot for stuff thats been in the games for like. almost 10 years now (holy shit y0 came out in 2015).

The lighting in this game looked fucking GORGEOUS. Whoever worked on the lighting rigging in this game i need to shake their hand because wow. I think this is the best a rgg game has ever looked and lost judgment was UP there.

While the callbacks in this game were a nice touch it feels kind of funny to bring up yumi's name after 2 million games of radio silence. I get that kiryu is a stoic individual who wouldnt be wailing abt his feelings every 4 seconds i just love how rgg puts its women on the shelf until theyre ready to be dusted off for emotional effect and nothing else. Also WHERES THE RIKIYA MENTION. PLEASE.

Speaking of women. Any time kiryu interacted with akame me and my friends just kept chanting "PLEASE BE NORMAL". I was so fucking scared for a sayama 2 treatment. I do really like akame and i hope to see more of her. She has akiyama vibes but in a good way.

Seeing kiryu's competency at going through yakuza business was really cool to see. He hasn't lost his edge in the criminal underworld and it kind of provides some much appreciated information to stuff we've seen in the past. Hes naturally built for a yakuza lifestyle, he knows this and yet pushes this talent and desire aside to provide sanctuary for the kids at morning glory. Ik in the final fight he mentions civilians in general but its clear he has his family in mind.

Seeing daigo look like a wet rag in every single cutscne was so funny. He looks so lost someone help him. I feel so bad for him, seeing someone he considers his father who he last heard from in a letter after his 'death' and then just being told to play along bc its not him... man.

WHO WAS HANAWA IN THE PAST?? I know its probably a throwaway line to add mystery but GOD its got my mind racing now.

I still suck so bad at mahjong. Giving a mahjong tutorial to my friends while getting my ass beat really says "i know what im doing".

The entire final scene with the gravestone. I am destroyed. I know i've said in the past kiryu better either retire permanently from being a protag or die (said when i was slightly more annoyed that he got announced as a protag for 8) but. man. I dont want him to die he needs to see his fucking family again no beating around the bush no daidoji bullshit PLEASE.

#worm plays gaiden #gaiden spoilers

[orowyrm]

my old bosses were so lucky that i didnt know my rights and/or was too downtrodden or anxious to make a scene about things back in the day or i wouldve dropped the hammer on them so fucking hard. cant get over the amount of shit i let them get away with . i remember the time i very politely asked my old manager if i could work slightly shorter shifts (i was averaging 8-9hrs pretty much every day as a part timer which was NOT supposed to be my schedule and we both knew this) and when she kept pushing me to know why i was so adamant about working 6-7hrs maximum i admitted that a leading reason is because my medication only lasts for about six hours so i'm not at all productive or motivated for the last two hours of my shift (which was more information than she needed, yes, but is also a very reasonable need if you ask me? idk at the time i thought it was legit enough to not have to bother to lie about it) and she was like "well can't you just ask for a higher dose or switch to a new medication so you can work longer?" and when i told her that was fucking absurd and i wasn't changing my medication just so she wouldnt have to rewrite a schedule she was just like "well it would be one thing if you asked your doctor and he said no, but if youre just not even going to try to work with me i cant accommodate that :/ it sounds like you just dont want to work :////" and im still mad at myself for just letting that go. neither of us work for the company anymore and it was a couple years ago now but i still rage about it on occasion

[honoringthehorrific]

I watched Martyrs (2008) so you dont have to…

Spoilers ahead in this review! However i try to be as vague as possible incase anyone reads this and wishes to delve in regardless.

Starting off I don’t recommend this movie. I didn’t do much digging into it before watching and came out the other end horrified at what i had just been a witness to. I know that opinion is going to catch a lot of back lash too considering the movie’s almost cult like following (pun intended.)

The movie tells an interesting tale of trauma, abuse, and revenge. Bearing witness to it initially i believed it was going to be a simple movie. Some sort of revenge story. However when the revenge was enacted almost immediately it left me wondering what was next.

A question i found myself asking over and over as my partner and i watched was “how long is left” and “how much longer are they gonna drag this on” the violence is uncomfortable to say the least and something that while i did sit through it i wished I hadn’t. This movie had me constantly wishing i had chosen something else and even wanting to turn the damn thing off half way in but I regrettably persisted.

One thing that irritated me greatly, Things go south with an hour left in the film as our protagonist Ana goes into the basement to find that her friend’s claims were not false. Earlier in the movie one of the people that lusie attempted to murder is still alive and Ana breaks her trust by trying to help the woman because she doesn’t think lusie has the right people. This help is in vain as we see that the woman wouldnt have survived the help regardless. Ana goes down the hatch and finds a woman, sarah who was put through the same depravity lusie was. She removes her and shows her kindness by removing the torture devices but sarah is almost like a feral animal at this point and is terminated by the cult.

The last 30 minutes of the movie are entirely wretched. When people talk about exploitation films i think this is at the peak. 30 minutes of a woman suffering to become what this cult deems a martyr. The final act is sealed with a fleshy bow on top as ana is skinned alive. She is revered for enduring this and telling what the torture has made her see and in the end none of it matters. There is no closure. We do not hear ana’s account and the only woman who did blows her fucking brains out before she can tell.

I hated this movie and its ending and while it had some interesting commentary and beautiful cinematography along with beautiful effects it was also just gut wrenching. I found myself begging the director in that last 30 minutes for a glimmer of hope and got none. I have seen people humanize and try to explain this cult’s actions…i do not feel like fearing life after death is a worthy cause for such behavior. And if people on reddit who have analyzed this ending far better than i ever could are correct. If the leader truly killed herself because ana saw nothing but void. If she did not want to live with the burden or burden the other members with the knowlege that their depravity was for nothing i do not think that is heroic or martyr like. It is depraved. You are left with the knowlege that this cult will continue opperation. Continue to try and make another martyr. That Ana’s death and all the ones before didnt matter.

In the end we are told to keep doubting. Something incredibly bitter tasting to hear. In the end we are left with dissatisfaction and deep regret and mental wounds from the pointless horrors we have just consumed.

I do not recommend this movie. I typically love things that are a bit dark and maybe a bit depraved. I love guts and gore and blood. But this was just something that left a dirty taste in my mouth… i give it a 2/10 for its beautiful work visually and its effects. Nothing more, nothing less. If you want similar existential commentary or questioning talk to a friend or find a good internet forum instead and you’ll find just as much substance. If you wish to see martyrs regardless of what I’ve warned just remember, you can’t shoot the messenger but you can shoot your kidnappers.

#horror #not an aesthetic #regurgitated reviews #martyrs #martyrs (2008) #horror movie

[nikkisixxsgirlfriend]

she

robin buckley x reader

[a fight with your best friend leads to a long overdue confession]

you'd been friends with robin for years,practically since diapers.you were always together.always working the same jobs,always in the same classes.you always had these inside jokes that no one really understood.you were joined by the hip.the best of friends and all that cheesy crap people say.

but for a while now you'd been wanting more.you knew it wasnt deemed normal by those around you.if your orthodox christian parents found out,or the kids of your small town ever knew,it'd be the end of your cushy life at hawkins.

it started small.you noticed yourself slipping up,thinking about her more than usual.about how pretty she was,youd notice yourself heating up when she held your hand.how you would stare at her lips longer than you should have.you figured it was just normal girly friendship stuff.

but it hit one day.when you saw her,laughing with steve,she looked at him like he was the only person in the world.it made your stomach turn.it made you jealous,that wasnt a normal girl thing.you thought about it,why you never liked steve like everyone else,or any guy for that matter.why you'd spent so many years by robins side never going on dates or talking about boys.

you tried your best to forget it,but each day it seemed like she got closer to steve.you were scared of losing her,either to steve,or by telling her the truth.eventually it just became too much too bare.

robin and steve had this job together at the video store,getting jobs together was something you two had always done,it helped pass the time,but she hadn't even told you she got the job,let alone applied.

needless to say you were pissed,and in a mood to fight the hair atop steves head.

"hey ___ i didn't know you were coming here today" robin said smiling that annoyingly lovely smile.

"i didn't even know you worked here" you muttered.

steve sensed there was something going on and decided to go do something in the back,something being to sit around waiting for robin to tell him what happened.

"what's up?"robin asked,it was annoying how genuinely concerned she was.she hadnt done anything wrong.and even if she had,she didnt know.it wasn't her fault,but you needed someone to blame for how you felt.

"what's up is you've basically been ignoring me for months now,your best friend.or what,is steve,the douchebag we used to make fun of,suddenly your best friend?what happened to us robin we used to be best friends and now youve cast me away for him!"

"i didnt cast you away,ive been busy!and steve is not a douchebag.look youre still my best friend okay,im sorry."

"bullshit,if i hadnt come here today you wouldnt care.you and steve would be off doing god knows what and id have no one!"

"so what?you want me to ditch steve,is that it?are you jealous?"

"yes,of course im fucking jealous!"

"are you jealous of me?since when did you like steve?okay im sorry but im not dating st-"

"im jealous of steve you idiot!"

she stopped for a minute.not sure how to take that last line.

"im in love with you robin!and i dont care who you tell or if you think im a freak,i dont care if we arent best friends anymore,just fucking tell me so i can carry on with my stupid life.so i can get over you!"

a teary eyed,snot filled confession.you must have looked crazy.wiping the tears away whilst trying to storm out wasnt as badass as it was in movies.especially when you slammed into the door.now that,that,was truly your lowest moment.

"shit,shit,shit"you said clutching your head.robin had already begun running towards you from behind the counter.she got to you and placed her hands on both sides of your face.you sniffed away a few more tears.it was so embarassing you were convinced youd have to move towns.

the crazy lesbian who ran into doors.

you turned to robin about to apologize for your fight.but rather than her being serious,she was laughing.and soon after you were laughing too.

"you arent supposed to be laughing,asshole"you smiled

"believe me i tried my best not to"

and there you were again,you and robin,laughing your asses off at the worst of times.the tears had stopped and robin helped wipe the remnants off your face.after another silence robin spoke up.

"you know steve and i arent a couple."

"yeah,yeah,i know,i was just-"

"we arent a couple because i like girls."

you looked at her with big,hopeful eyes.

she kept both of her hands on the sides of your face.she closed her eyes and put her forehead to yours.you closed your eyes to mirror her.

"i have loved you since you cried in kindergarten when you fell off the monkey bars." she confessed.

you let out a small laugh,your heart beating so fast that it rang in your eyes."ive been avoiding you because it was too much,whenever i see you i can only think of telling you how much i love you.and i can only think of grabbing you and kissing you."

"then do it."

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

"okay im sorry i was gonna wait until you came to the back but-" steve said walking into the room.you and robin turned to him,her hands on your head,and your proximity enough to give steve the impression of the situation. "im gonna go do ... something" he said,blanking on an actual reason. "oh and by the way,im not a douchebag" steve yelled whilst walking away.making you and robin laugh again.

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

#fanfiction #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #robin buckley #robin stranger things #robin x reader #im in love with her #im running out of tags #gaaayyyy #slaaayyyyy

[bridgyrose]

character of your choice has a gay awakening because they sparred with their rival and it got awfully up close and personal

Yang looked up at Mercury and her heart skipped a beat when she realized how close he was. Everything had moved so quickly and she didnt realize she was pinned until after she realized she could feel his breath on her neck. 

Mercury pulled away and smirked at her. “So that’s three for me and… two for you now? I think I wn.” 

“Y-yeah, o-of course.” Yang slowly picked herself up and glanced at Mercury. Her heart thumped in her chest, though her mind told her something about this wasnt right. “Guess you win this time.” 

“You did good blondie,” Mercury said as he tossed a water bottle to Yang. “Maybe we can try this again before the tournament.” 

“If I didnt know any better, I’d think you were doing this to learn all of my secrets.” 

“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. But it doesnt matter anyway.” 

Yang shook her head and took a breath to try to calm her nerves. “S-so, you uh… you doing anything this weekend?” 

“Probably going to hit up the local bar with Emerald.” He paused to take a swig from his bottle and sighed. “Though, I wish she’d quit asking me to go. I know I want to start dating, but I’m not exactly desperate enough to start dating the guys who do that kind of thing.” 

Yang felt her heart sink as she listened to those words. “O-oh, so, you’re into guys then?” 

“Yeah, though I’m a bit picky. Most of the guys at the bar are kinda like Jaune. You know, limp noodles that dont have much backbone but like to try to play off that they’re tough.” A smile crossed Mercury’s lips as he spoke. “I want someone who’s not afraid to pin me to the ground and make me theirs.” 

“Oh. Well, I hope you have better luck this weekend.” 

“We’ll see.” 

Yang let out a quiet sigh as she watched Mercury walk off. Of course the guy she fell for wouldnt be interested in her. She paused when her eyes caught her reflection: hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and her chest flattened from the angle she saw herself in. A thought came to her mind as she looked a bit longer and a smile crossed her lips. She knew exactly what she needed to do. 

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“This is ridiculous,” Weiss said as she watched Yang fuss with a binder. “Dressing as a guy just for a date is taking things too far, dont you think? “

“Its not *just* for a date, Weiss. If things work out-” 

“And what makes you think things will work out between you and Mercury just because you’re dressing like a guy?” 

Yang sighed and looked at herself in the mirror. Even with the binder, she still looked extremely feminine. “Its… it’s not about that… not entirely…” 

“Not… entirely?” 

“We all know that everything I do is… preformative. The dresses, the long hair, joking around… all of it is my attempt to try to take my mind off of not feeling… right. And… well… maybe part of dressing like this is so I can date Mercury, but on the other hand, if this is me…” 

“Then you’ll probably want to make sure you’re as much of the part as you can.” Weiss walked over to Yang and pulled her hair back into a more masculine fashion. “

“You’re going to help me?” 

“Of course I am. If this is who you end up being, then that’s who you are. Besides, the last thing I want you to do is make a fool of yourself and make it seem like you’re trying to use him.” 

Yang nodded and put on a nice dress shirt and slacks and looked at herself in the mirror. She frowned when she saw her hips still making her look feminie and her chest not as flat as she had hoped. “Well.. this is better than what it could be.” 

Weiss pulled away from Yang and smiled at her handiwork. “You’ll be fine. All you have to do is be honest with yourself and who you are, alright?” 

“Right.” 

Yang took a breath and walked out of the dorm once she finished. All she had to do was find Mercury and talk to him, tell him how she… how he really felt. That this is who he wants to be-

“Yang, is that you?” 

Yang froze and turned to see Mercury behind him. He cleared his throat and tried to make his voice sound a bit deeper. “O-oh, Merc, I uh… I thought you were at your dorm.” 

“I wanted to take a bit of a walk before heading out with Emerald.” Mercury smirked and walked around Yang. “So, what’s the occasion?” 

“I-I uh… Its uh… complicated…” 

“Complicated, huh? Well, if its that complicated, maybe I can help.” 

“Help how?” 

Mercury smirked and tossed a pill bottle at Yang. “Take one of these and then we can head out for a bit of real fun. Assuming you can handle it.” 

Yang nodded and opened the pill bottle to look at the pink and blue capsules inside. “This… isnt going to kill me, is it?” 

“No, it wont. And I promise you wont regret it.” 

Yang swallowed a pill and smiled at Mercury. “Then lead the way.” 

#rwby #drabbles #yang xiao long #mercury black #yang x mercury #trans!yang #its still a gay awakening if its trans #especially if Yang's becoming the man she wants to be #gauntlets and greaves

[baptistsuicidewidow]

More closure

I just had the blessing of meeting with someone that reached out during the worst parts of September (the month Jeremiah killed himself).

She too lost her husband to suicide. Except her husband left behind 8 children... after 20 years of marriage...

Now I don't think she would like for me to blog about all the details she provided me about her story... Its a story she said she keeps mostly to herself. Her, God, and the children all know what happened, and not many others.

In light of her story though, I can feel even more confident that the actions I took in terms of leaving to protect myself/the kids in Jeremiah's last days were absolutely wise and 100% necessary.

He was self-isolating, and there was nothing I could do to help him. I had tried to help him in hundreds of ways-he built a wall between us and didn't want my help. He enjoyed intimidating me/scaring me when he was upset. He was only getting worse in his out of control states, and who knows how far all of that was going to go.

Once he made it clear protecting me and the kids wasn't his priority, it wasn't hard for me to know that we needed space away from Jeremiah. No one wanted him to do what he did. I am still baffled by how swift he was to decide to die.

Here we are and my children are healthy, and very much unscarred by witnessing abuse. Isaiah saw that one time that Jeremiah was wrestling me and ultimately pushed me down while pregnant, and watched him smash things and throw things . Only once. Jeremiah had done these things before while I wasn't pregnant when Isaiah was sleeping, but I am not and will never be open to my kids witnessing abuse or possibly getting hurt by proxy or directly from abuse. Some women can theorize... they might think they would or should entertain a different stance on the issue...stick around for longer or for more, but I've never once met a women happy with herself that she had allowed her kids to witness abuse/be hurt directly or indirectly by an enraged husband. Every woman I have ever met in that situation has told me she knows later she should've chosen to leave.

Preachers need to address more from the pulpit that

-its not okay to scare your wife

-its not okay to rape your wife

-its not okay to lose control of yourself around those you swore to protect

I only make mention of preachers in this way since Jeremiah was only open to listening to them. By the time I found out he had the propensity for violence, he wouldnt even entertain listening to sermons I would send him.

Steven Anderson has a really good sermon about Psalm 23 in light of how a husband should be, but then again, Steven Anderson does preach that raping your wife is okay, which seems to be an outgrowth of his own flesh and cognitive dissonance. That in itself gives me pause around that ministry and people zealous for that ministry. Out of all the silly unbiblical doctrines coming out of the NIFB (there are a few) the whole "its okay to rape your wife" thing really needs to be a concern for every young woman when dating someone zealous after NIFB principles.

Who knows if there was any help for Jeremiah? If he hadn't killed himself then, how was he to get on the right track at all? His perspective was so warped by the end of his life-he couldn't see reality anymore... He ended things at the beginning (not even 2 full years of marriage or of being a dad), without showing any spiritual wherewithal/strength. There is a whole world of options he had other than to kill himself and he explored so few. (calling me/texting me for a couple hours, that didn't work okay suicide)....?

Anyway, so much of this was out of my hands. My motto "Do your best, let God do the rest" really helps me avoid regret. Knowing that I tried my best in my marriage (I wasn't perfect, but I tried my best), that's all I need to know. Giving up wasn't an option for me.... here we are, and now its time to "Let God do the rest". And God has been moving mountain after mountain for us. I can't help but be at peace about everything at this point. And I thank God,... I believe that's a gift from Him and His comfort which He promises to give us. Which is a nice thing to have, as I am due to have another baby boy in 2 weeks! I plan to continue to "cast all my care on Him, for He Careth for us" *my life verse 1 Peter 5:7.... I am a boy mom... I wish Jeremiah was able to stay... to share himself with Job as he did for Isaiah... He really had some beautiful times with Isaiah, and helped Isaiah learn how to crawl and how to walk...

God to give me wisdom to know how to raise these boys to grow up to become wise, strong, and godly men. In Jesus' name, Amen.

#griefandloss #coping with grief #dealing with grief #grief poetry #grief/mourning

[hsgdjshs]

@k1r0sl1mb0 just read this entire thing.

This is pre typed message

Please, read the entirety.

since you have me blocked everywhere i think the most logical and.. really the only way to do this is on a empty acc where only you'd see it. im going to be brutal here, so sincerely, i want you to read it.

Notes.

8/30/23

Recently the cards seem don't really make much sense. Everything seems fine, i don't understand what it's trying to tell me.

its like, a bunch of happy cards like the 10 of cups keep coming out but after all of those suddenly theres the 3 of swords. i dont get it.

maybe im not good at these right now"

9/11/23

I have this weird ass looming feeling like somethings gonna go wrong but nothing seems off

Im scared i dont understand why i feel like this, everything seems okay"

9/24/23

"i cant shake this feeling tonight.

i hate this feeling.

i wish it'd stop.

i hate this

i cant take this right now

ive been this way for hours and i never fucking asked for this."

9/29/23

"i feel so sick fuck theres something wrong but i dont know what and im scared

something feels so off. somethings about to happen again im scared its the same times as last year and shes been so distant its like she isnt telling me something im so confused

am i doing something wrong?"

That was prior to everything. I knew for longer than I want to admit I did. I knew it was coming.

I wanna show you one more note though. Im going to edit it a bit ofc, but you see my point.

10/10/23

"i really hope one day you'll fall in love with me and just me alone, im tired of being the boy who's like him.

i wanna be the one you love

i want you to fall in love with me, all of me, all the fucked up bits of me just me not the pieces of him you can find in me.

i just want your love.

i wanna be loved how i love you

i want you to want to gently hold me and care for me and tell me that you love me and to just do what i do for you.

i wanna be able to cry to you and be comforted be told its okay have my cries responded to when i need you

i want to be cared for so badly

i want you to care when im not okay i want you to be there to calm me to even me out please

i want you to still care when things go wrong i wanna feel like you care but even if i was about to try to commit suicide you wouldnt be there because i cant die.

i really wish you'd care for me the way you probably cared about him."

It felt like that for ages. I mean like, actual fucking ages.

This is me being vulnerable with you, properly.

Anyways, moving on. I figured using some notes would help me talk about this. I really hope you're reading this, because I typed this on 10/25/23, but I plan on scheduling this to send in.. several months actually. I just need to let it out yk? To be honest, you said you're self aware but you aren't.

A relationship means caring for the other person involved too, and to be absolutely brutal? You never gave a shit about me. If you did you sure didn't show it. I was never once a top priority to you, hell I suspected you must be cheating a few times and I WAS HALFASS RIGHT. You did like someone else, intuition never lies. I feel like I deserved better to be honest. I always gave you everything, I bought you things and sent you paragraphs, I have a box full of love letters and I've done countless amounts of spellwork in the name of protecting you, but I never got anything in return for it. Nothing at all. Im calling you selfish, Robyn. You're genuinely so selfish that I don't know how you haven't noticed it yourself. Oh i'm dying?? No matter! I'll be fine!! Its like that is what goes through your head. Its like, no matter what was happening it never mattered. You never seemed to give a shit unless my life was on the line and even then? Rare that you'd even respond. When i'm doing bad its a hassle to even get a hug. I was always there for you every second, if something was the matter with you I prioritized trying to stay with you until everything was okay. I loved you. I made sure you always knew I loved you, I told you all about it constantly. I did so much for you, I even saved $300 in hopes I would get to travel to see you once I hit 18.

I did everything for you. I was dedicated, I was genuinely ready to give you my life.

But i'm speaking in past tense.

Sometimes, I think you never even actually were in love with me, but just the shadow of Shiloh that I had. I know I'm similar, I know thats what you saw in me originally. Whenever I asked you what you loved about me you couldn't even tell me, yet I had a 50 bullet point long list of all these small things I adored about you. It was insane how unreciprocated it was, yet I desperately tried to get the validation of being loved by you. I tried and I tried, constantly, I thought "If I keep trying, she'll give me something! She says she loves me so maybe if I do this or this she'll give me a little bit of affection." I thought like that, every day. Like some fucking neglected dog waiting for their owner to feed them for the first time in weeks. You wanna know what I find even funnier though? The fact that the little bit of affection I got was a "💖" reaction to my essay about loving you. That, was what I was so fucking excited for. You warped me that bad mentally. I actually hit a point where I thought, that a fucking heart reaction was proper reciprocation of my feelings.

Another point I would like to make is that in this last run, You literally could care less about my emotional wellbeing. "Ask Apollo" what if I wanted my LITERAL GIRLFRIEND who's supposed to be there for me to comfort me? What if, maybe, just maybe, I wanted you to just simply say the words "It'll be okay, don't worry" to me? That's all I have ever wanted from you. I was never seeking advice, or validation, or anything else. I was literally just seeking comfort and to be listened to.

Out of the relationship, I still sought for comfort in you. I didn't know better. I had nobody else. So I would spend my nights crying to you, not in hopes for you to fix it but in hopes that you would listen, that you'd hug me and tell me that I was going to be okay. That you'd prove you cared about me and still loved me in any way at all.

You never responded so I kept doing it because I wanted that comfort.

This is where the emotional numbness wears down a bit. The 23rd, you know when you left. Don't take this as guilt tripping but I am gonna give a quick rundown of why the way you executed that makes you a fucking asshole. One of my best friends? Left me. Another one of my best friends? Contemplating suicide!! (They did attempt, ended up in a ward.) And then on top of all of that? THAT is when you choose to drop the bomb on me!! Yes, call me out, but NO don't do it when i'm under that kind of stress. I don't know if the mental basic skills weren't working or if you're that fucking selfish, but that is not a good time to just yk, leave!! It really isn't. Like seriously. "Oh you're at peak mental worst? Yeah sorry bro let me just leave you alone to your own demise and do the one thing that I know will drive you insane, gotta help you out here."

And look I get it, I hate myself too I know, but that was just foul. It was genuinely such a shitty thing to do and I don't care if you were being told by deities to cut communication you could've waited a day or hell, had a real conversation with me!! Gone "Hey August, we need to talk" YOU COULD'VE TALKED TO ME. But no. No that isn't right to you now is it? You ran away again basically. I can guarantee this would've hurt x10 LESS bad if you just simply went and asked me to talk and then explained all of that. In a conversation, like a actual fucking interaction. You could've said you needed some time away, told me we need to cut communication, and let me have a proper goodbye to you.

You're one of the most selfish, cruel people I have ever known and if that doesn't make you self aware I really don't know what does. I knew that you were selfish and cold and still found so much to love anyways, yet you never had enough decency to be kind to me. You never were able to just, return the favor of treating me nicely and letting me speak the final words I wanted to.

I hate you. I really wanna say it. I fucking hate you.

But its not true. I'm mentally wired not to hate you almost as if static covers up those words, I wish I hated you. I really fucking wish I did.

I think you successfully did it, you know how you became emotionally so closed off? I think that a new yet timeless cycle happened, and its that I am unable to trust anyone ever again. Everyone is a liar, especially you. I won't show emotions because it will always always ALWAYS result in me being alone.

You must be happy with making me just like you were, i'm sure its why we're bonded the way we are. Must've been inevitable. I wonder if you're feeling what I feel as I am typing this.

I wish that the next words i'm about to say were a lie, but they aren't.

I love you.