#smolbeanfeels
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dressing “appropriately” for school
sometimes i just wish judgment wasn’t so heavy in this school. even at the college level, people are still questioning what we wear and why/who we wear them for. there’s a part of me who wishes i was waaaaay across the continent just so that i could wear whatever i want and no one would comment on it because it’s simply more acceptable (read: normal) on the other side of the world. that said, this is a small issue that just requires me to move and pack my bags and leave this parochial place.
the bigger issue is - and this stems from the same narrow-mindedness i was talking about above - why people always seem to feel like they need to comment when others dress nicely. why they can’t just leave us alone. i’ve had it happen to me so much ever since i entered this school. people just find the need to come up to me, on a good day, and ask me questions like, “why are you dressed so nicely? for who?”
i’m a person who loves to dress nicely. i love dresses, flowy skirts, tight skirts, pretty long pants. but there are also days i like my shorts, my t-shirts, my flip-flops (especially when i don’t have lessons and just get to school to complete some assignments/group project discussions/get work done). and I LOVE MAKE-UP. i love taking my time in the morning to doll my face up, love spamming blush over my cheeks as much i like to, I LOVE IT. because there are NO RULES IN MAKE UP, do what u wanna do & SET THINGS ON FIYAAAAAAAA -- which is essentially what has been my philosophy on appearances.
so it’s just so tragically amusing to hear people ask me why i’m dressed nicely - specifically, FOR WHO. for who? why should i have to dress nicely for anyone? why can’t i just do it for myself? because when i look good, i feel good, and that motivates me to go to school, motivates me to get through lectures, motivates me to smile at people in the hallways, make small talk about what they’ve been doing recently, visit fundraising booths, sharing my ideas, speaking up in class.
dressing well and looking good makes me happy. it could be superficial, but it does lift my spirits much more than anything else recently. things have been difficult recently, with family and with school, and i would like to retain my basic right as a human being and as a girl to look however i want without the condescending tone or words being aimed at me. without that excuse of a greeting. without that inflection that i am dressed so nicely because i need to impress someone, because looking good is all about impressing others and not yourself. without the implication that a single girl to look good at ALL TIMES to fight for love because God forbid that a girl could ever be happy without a boyfriend.
heck, i don’t even want one right now.
talking about this gets me really exasperated because how do i put this across politely without hurting people’s feelings? how can i express this without seeming defensive, insecure, overly-sensitive, or to borrow a phrase from some (clearly discriminative) young adult vernacular, “being a girl about it”?
it’s exhausting and it’s oppressing, and not constructive in any humanly possible way. there is ZERO value in such a comment, its only purpose being making it increasingly difficult for me to decide what to wear in the morning in the silent fear of being “judged”.
so yes. i will be a girl about it, because that’s what I AM. this is who i am, someone who loves to dress up, loves beauty and cosmetics, who appreciates a good pair of jeans and an even complexion. and even if someday, i no longer am into all of this, only wanna wear sweatpants, a t-shirt and some good ol’ flip-flops, it has, and never will be, any of your fucking business.
#blog#smolbeanfeels#personal#ANGRY#dressing#school#university#college#MIND UR OWN ASSHOLE BUSINESS#STFU#thank u
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update on my life; 28/8
i feel like i haven’t updated on my life in a long time.
work is… well, work. there’s always so much politics and bitching going about. always a fair share of irresponsible ppl who leave behind so much shit you need to clean up. it never gets better, but you get tougher, stronger, more polished. you start prioritising and you start to stand firm. entitled ppl will always act entitled, don’t mind them.
i got more into club activities, which is meaningful and so much fun. but bc i haven’t been spending time with the family… that’s something else i’ll get into below. uni stuff are always fun to be a part of, but always leave me sort of empty and seeking something else. idk when i’ll ever be able to be comfortable with how different i am in school and outside of school. it’s just too hard to fully be yourself with more than a few people.
home is… idk. still clashing with mum. for some reason I keep messing things up. anw with regard to this, I feel like every few weeks I’m shoveling up the pieces of this relationship and starting from scratch all over. I don’t want to talk about it in detail because I get too emotional thinking about it but yeah. things are not looking too good rn, and i’ve no time or energy to think about our differences.
i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again, family relationships really shape the way we view other external/interpersonal relationships. i am and always have been close to my family, even tho we do fight. but there’s a reason i’ve always placed family above anything else. certainly some self-reflecting is in order, but i never have time - even this post is being typed in a hurry on the train.
long story short, it’s the people closest to you that can hurt you the most - so whenever it’s about family, it cuts deep. it makes me upset and distracted and ruins the whole day and i really don’t like the feeling of feeling too much. as jade said, 没有爱就不会痛。(where there is no love there is no pain - i know. it’s filled with so much brokenness, i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.)
for those who have been following me for a while, you would know i don’t like the burden that comes with feelings and i don’t like the intimacy with having to share emotions and share and share and share when i can just sweep it all beneath the carpet. it sounds messed up but it’s the way i’ve been operating for a while now. i never feel like there’s the luxury of showing how i feel - always someone in the next room, always someone to take care of, always something important to do. it’s so hard to share when the heart has been closed for so long. in such a big family with so many problems, it’s selfish to prioritise yourself over anyone else when there’re just too many to protect and too many whose sole purpose in life seems to be to hurt those you fight to protect.
fk i get rly emotional when i think about these things hahah i rly don’t like it, as mentioned. o whales. mayb i’m just unable to feel any positive emotion for too long. too often i find myself knee-jerk reacting to positives, unable to enjoy them for too long. doubts will flood me, questions like: why would something amazing like that happen to me? when has life been so easy, so kind? idk what to do about this, but i do know that i am still a work in progress, and someday, i hope i can be enough.
this turned out so long, bless you for reading it.
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we live in a world full of settlers
where anything is better than being alone
and everyone’s just as lost as you are
and we gave up on the maps
that only led to paper cuts
somewhere in this world is a boy
and somewhere in him is a constellation
it burns in the dark, alone.
no one sees it, not even him
because we live in a world full of chasers
who look to the sky for stars
that aren’t quite as dead as you think
we live in a world where every cracked kiss
leaves a bitter aftertaste
because angels are never yours to keep
arbitrary girl loved arbitrary boy
but a love like silver could never know exposure
in the crippling fear of being tarnished.
How Not To Cry On Bad Days, me
#smolbeanfeels#poetry#poem#poems#poets on tumblr#spilled ink#ugh this is actually pretty embarrassing#so#ok#anyway#hope someone likes this#thanks guys#racheldoespoetry
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this is the last time i should speak of this; if i do in the future, it should be as a lesson, not as a person. bc with the person - there is nothing left to learn.
after speaking to X about the sad event of the summer of 2018 (to which i shall, from now on, refer to as SUM18), i now understand several things. maybe it was because she’s an outsider to this situation, or maybe i just really needed someone to talk to about something like this without having to face the pressure of giving certain “politically correct” answers, but speaking to her about this amidst the hot bowls of noodles really helped? or maybe it’s just the state of hyperawareness that is the atmosphere of koufu, that helped me understand a few things.
first, i don’t have to be ashamed of feeling certain things. whether i misinterpreted things, whether or not our friends should’ve told me about his feelings, whether or not things were really as murky as i understand them to be, i don’t have to be ashamed of my feelings. fact is, true feelings (at least on my side) were involved. i shouldn’t have to withhold myself from being upset, from being able to grief. it’s not the first time i’ve been emotionally involved, but that doesn’t mean i don’t need healing time of my own.
second, if he’s really meant to stay in my life, he will be. i shouldn’t have to pretend that certain things are ok just to maintain that friendship. ok that’s it for this point, i don’t know if i can write about this point without crying, so let’s leave it at that.
third, so perhaps it’s purely biological function, that galvanises a guy to be constantly comparing options. but i shouldn’t have to feel bad, or unworthy, of this: that i want to be that person’s only choice. why should i have to be picked because either i) he couldn’t get another girl or ii) i’m slightly better at other attributes? either way, as a human and as myself, i deserve to be first place in at least one person’s heart.
fourth, maybe friends who doubt my intentions when i confessed about my feelings to them just aren’t true friends. let’s leave it at that. friendships always mess up my emotions.
fifth, i don’t need to have an answer to questions like ‘if he were to break up today, would you...?’ ‘cause there’s no answer to that. hypothetical questions expect hypothetical answers - and i can tell you, that answer changes everyday, like a revolving door at a grand hotel, winding over and over again. there is no answer to this question! and maybe, there shouldn’t be. as of now, while i don’t owe anyone anymore answers to these ridiculous questions, well, it’s a no.
sixth, i don’t need a timeline on my emotions. i don’t need a deadline when these emotions have to dissipate. i don’t need to be accountable to anyone, except myself and God. don’t tell me what to feel, and how i should feel. i know what to do, so please leave me alone.
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this really hit home; interesting how sometimes, we see what we want to see. how much we rely on the concepts of “destiny” and “fate” to explain circumstances that we don’t understand, to gain some semblance of control in our lives. but how much of these are purely self-fulfilling prophecies? how much control do we actually have, over our “destiny”?
in a more religious and personal sense, i don’t know how to identify which directions in my life God is pushing me towards. i can’t identify them, and every apparent door seems to always become walls the moment i walk into them. i’m so tired of running, i don’t even want to walk anymore. i just want to stay very still, and let the wind blow me in any direction i should be headed towards.
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what’s the rush?
so being in this school, holding this scholarship has made me an increasingly antsy person. i guess i’ve always been an antsy person to begin with...... education in this country is cut-throat and a rat race. and in the midst of planning my mods for my upcoming semester and checking off mods to do during exchange sems and all that and basically understanding what it is that i actually want to do with my life, i realise i’m practically planning out my entire 4 years in college. that is, if i even decide i want to graduate after 4 years.
i have several friends on tumblr and other social media websites who are in college or are graduating and when we have discussions on what we hope to see in our futures and what we hope to achieve in college, their one question is always the same: what’s the rush, rachel?
why do you have to graduate in 4 years? what’s beyond college/uni life that’s much more interesting that you have to pursue right after 4 years?
all of them are unable to fathom, why anyone would want to go through life zooming ahead and constantly caught up in their own versions of an endless nightmare of a race, instead of slowing down, enjoying the process and taking time to figure out what the heck it is that i actually want. all of them cannot seem to grasp the idea that i, given the opportunity to attend college, would want to practically leaf through all of its pages as quick as i can and be done with it, instead of taking the time to indulge myself in meaningful experiences that i will never be able to enjoy when i commence work.
and i can lie to myself that it’s about not paying for the extra sem that my scholarship won’t be able to cover. i can lie to myself that there is something big and glorious out there after 4 years that i am waiting with bated breath for. i can lie to myself that after these 4 years have zoomed past me, i will actually be able to get straight to what i’ve always been searching for.
but truly, we have been tripped up with a ridiculous sense of guilt and shame for having taken an extra semester or year.
because in this country, endowed with this mindset, speed is often mistaken for efficiency and productivity, and we are constantly walking the line between having a good pace and hastiness, a slowly fraying tight rope that snaps when we least expect it to.
i refuse to be a part of this. if i have to take more time in college to plan my route out and understand what i want my life to be centered around, i will. even if i have to take a long time before i graduate, i know that i will make it. but first, i have to get rid of these barnacles that leave me confused about the fundamental and yet essential concepts of quantity and quality.
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damn it rachel if you like him don’t push him away
my knee-jerk reaction is so freaking hostile recently. for everything, not even just for romantic relationships. whenever anyone says anything nice to me it sounds like they’re saying it for a reason. so tired of being so afraid and guarded. i remember when he used to say those words to me, how it turned from a blessing into a source of relief into a fire smoke alarm; telling me to get out fast, and that if i hurry, i might actually miss the worst of it.
and damn it, it’s actually happening again.
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a list of things i really wish i could say
THIS IS A MONTH’S WORTH OF NOTES IN MY PHONE THAT I JUST NEED TO RELEASE INTO THE WILDERNESS, IDK WHY BUT JUST.
1. Our relationship was elastic, stretching between the two extremes of wanting and having until we just… gave up.
2. It had never been about words or conversation, where there was too much to be risked or lost.
3. Relationships can only work when there’s an understanding on limits. But we didn’t have that. And that’s why we couldn’t work out a relationship. It’s funny, as friends we got along so well, but factor romantic feelings into the equation, your issues and my issues started to get entangled with each other, until it just became a confused and contradictory web of excuses and intentions and lies.
4. It’s not that easy opening up to someone, putting myself out there, at the risk of getting hurt. You should know that. And it isn’t that simple, like, oh risk is just part of relationships, sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. Because it's not all about chance, either; meaning that if you knew ahead of time that there might be an issue that dooms everything - like the fact that I’m incredibly controlling and independent about facing emotions and troubles myself, or the fact that you often blame yourself, too much, for the things you cannot control - maybe it’s better to acknowledge that and not waste your time. Or someone else’s.
5. I’m afraid of the unknown. You know that. Deathly, deathly afraid. There are so many levels to the unknown, from relatively safer to dangerous to outright nebulous, the scariest of all.
6. Some people believe that love, real love, is experienced by very few, and that to attain that love you must know pain and suffering and heartache. I’d rather not dwell on this theory, since I do not believe that suffering begets future happiness, or momentary happiness can lead to suffering, but rather that they are different sewing strokes used on just one piece of fabric. Even so, I cannot help but think, if they are right, if the depth of love is measured by the depth of suffering, then who are we, little drops of rain that fall towards an inevitable dissolve, to talk about love? Who am I then, to say that I loved deeply and hurt deeply? Maybe it is the vulnerability - and the ironic power that comes from being vulnerable - that makes us audacious enough to turn ourselves into great stories. But if said theory is true, then what I’ve recently experienced cannot be love, only understanding and growth.
7. THE FEELS SURROUND ME LIKE PIRANHAAAAAAAAAA HELP PLS HELPPPPPPPP
8. It seems like every few years I’m shovelling up the pieces of my life and starting from scratch all over. No matter what I do or how hard I try I can’t seem to reach the dizzy heights of happiness, success and security, like so many people do. And I’m not talking about becoming a millionaire and living happily ever after. I just mean reaching a point in my life that I can stop what I’m doing, take a look around me, breathe a sigh of relief and think: I am where I want to be right now.
9. CONSTANTLY caught between feeling broken and pieced back, but even if I am pieced back, they’re all just jigsaw puzzles. Not smithereens, not glass fragments, but stupid jigsaw puzzles that can be fixed together and hold light together but can never be complete anymore. There will always be gaps, blank spaces that can no longer be filled again. I feel like... I’m constantly walking into and out of the shadows, that one day it’ll either be that the light blinds me or the shadow absorbs me. There is no in-between.
10. In the worst way, we are two people who can never escape the sharp light of expectations. And you, you are not someone who can do something that disappoints people. You need to know that about yourself before someone else finds that out about you, and end up hurt, again.
11. We all know the famous Sonnet 55, but today I want to share with you Sonnet 57, especially how it begins, “Being your slave, what should I do but tend / Upon the hours and times of your desire?” We certainly know that in the Bard’s time, romance and poetry were above all revered and sought after, but today, in this age, think about it, is it realistic at all to want to tend upon someone else? The sun doesn’t set on anyone, nor does it rise due to anyone. But it is true that “So true a fool is love that in your will, / Though you do any thing, he thinks no ill”, which is the reason that with you, there is always care interwoven with guilt, love commingling with hurt.
12. Strength is the excuse I give for being cruel, because I know it’s not easy to love a person who only know how to run.
AND WITH THAT I SHALL NEVER THINK OF THIS AGAIN. KTHXBAI.
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tldr; break week is not break week!!! it’s true, there’re still so many things to get done. i have my soci paper due this sunday, every class has a project due at the end of the term, consulting presentation... ermahgerd the stress is high.
for the whole first half of the term i’ve felt simultaneously in and out when it comes to soci; it’s not that it’s not interesting, it’s REALLY interesting. but i think the pre-intro mod decisions i made for my major has definitely had a stifling effect on soci; i’m constantly so focused on pol sci that i’ve come to neglect it, and it’s showing in huge, worrying ways. have to keep this in mind.
was pretty bummed last saturday after my econs paper bc i felt like i had it but somehow... i just didn’t perform well. i think i’ve been too complacent when it comes to econs actually; i keep thinking it’ll be fine bc it’s so similar to h2 econs but now i realize it’s more mathematical than what i was taught in jc. so that’s a lesson i’ll remember for the rest of the term anw.
school mag is giving me so much headache, idk exactly what to do with it. i feel that if ppl are in their last year in college sometimes they just simply shouldn’t run for chief; it’s exasperating when ppl have different levels of commitment that can never match up.
latin is, well... latin. i can’t decide how much i like it. on one hand, i love trainings, they really provide a brief respite from the intense horror of my second year, but i can’t seem to click well with many of the dancers. i’d expected it, tbh, i’ve somehow always not been on the same wavelength as dancers despite my dancing bg and all. idk what it is about them, i just respond v differently to things and speak v differently in general. idk. i guess i just want someone to talk to when i somehow can’t perform, but many of them are so intimidating (bc they’re so good and vocal, unlike me) that i just end up going home feeling like a little dance hole.
really need to distance myself and cut myself loose from toxic/unhealthy/simply negatory friendships. i’ve always been bad at confrontation when it comes to non-work stuff, the tendency to sweep everything beneath the carpet so so startlingly high, anything to get out of the situation. ppl have asked me if it’s just that i have issues saying no, but like... i don’t think i have issues saying no? i just don’t see issues as issues, so i don’t find them consequential enough to have to say no/give an answer to. some ppl i just don’t plan on dealing with them bc it occupies time and energy - both of which i no longer possess in excess.
recently i’ve felt like writing a song again, but every time inspiration strikes... idk. they come in bits and pieces, but the bits and pieces don’t join together. even if they do, they’re about as connected as mosaic - together and yet consequently dissociated. idk why i tend to think in such cycles these days.
in the great gatsby nick described himself as “within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life”, and it’s been such a compelling feeling recently.
or maybe i just need a good rest, but even in that my body is in debt.
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all in God’s hands (?)
i’ve only had 2 very strong inklings of the person i was meant to be with - i keep thinking that God would provide a sign, but God has been pretty ambivalent and ambiguous, so i’m not too sure what’s up with that? the thing is, about these missed opportunities that i’ve had in my life, i don’t think i’ll ever really know if it’s something God meant to make me pass by, or just simply chances i didn’t take that He opened up to me. is God supposed to give a clearer signal? i’ve always thought God would be the one who does the heavy lifting for me, that things should fit right in place, but the last few times something like that has happened it’s just always been a window of opportunity that doesn’t seem here nor there and then it closes.
also, it’s a bit of a frustrating situation - on my end, that is, i’m frustrated with myself. it’s like what are you expecting of this, rach? you’re rational enough to realise that this friendship shouldn’t be dropped entirely, but you’re also smart enough to recognise that it’s gonna take more time and space on your end to heal properly and move past the bitterness towards a better future.
so really, what were you expecting? that he was gonna wait for you? that /anyone/ was gonna wait for you? get over it.
事过境迁，物是却人已非；事到如今，你还在期待什么？我是不是太晚才意识到了什么？
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recent thoughts
i’ve realised that it’s been overly optimistic and hopeful of me to think that people around me will be able to understand me just because they are more similar to me. this really matters less compared to having the people who’ve known me through my formative years around me. it’s actually very frustrating feeling like i need to justify certain behaviours that wouldn’t necessitate a warrant if the person i were talking to were people from this group of people. i’ve come to the point where i no longer want to explain to anyone the rationale behind anything i do and i don’t feel i need to anymore. at some point i just have to accept that i’ll never truly find someone who understands me in every aspect - this is just life, rachel, so just accept it and move on.
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我不知道欸。。。我真的不知道。或许以前的我能够勇敢一些，可是现在的我。。。真的，好累。不想解释不必解释的事情，你知道我从来都是独来独往，我行我素。。。真的不想背负着 “永远都不可能足够” 的罪名。我真的好累。。。原来当一个人忙起来的时候，是没有办法察觉自己的累。。。那我宁愿好忙好忙，也不想当那个玫瑰；在卸下这所谓的光环、美灯注目，总是在别人看不见的地方独自掉眼泪。。。
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updates on the smol bean -- and sharing some new favs!
since my finals ended i haven’t had the motivation or energy to do anything -- i attribute it to my exhaustion from the burnout semester but in truth, i feel that i no longer have passion for anything around me anymore. it’s crazy, the shell i’ve become -- i wake up, read up on the italy trip -- sleep. wake up, read up on internship opportunities -- sleep. wake up, read wuthering heights (A BOOK I’VE READ TEN THOUSAND TIMES) -- sleep. it’s an awful cycle spiralling downwards into neglect.
anw -- i decided i should turn things around! i have so many things to do and so many things to look forward to! for one, i’m reaaaaally looking forward to going to italy. i feel like when it comes to the end of the year, i’m always really excited to just leave this place, to go anywhere.
it’s not the first time i’m writing about how stifled i feel at home, in this country, and it’s definitely not news that i’m not the happiest about the degrees i’m studying for and working towards. i can find myself being more on board with social sciences especially when my psychology major modules start, but business management leaves me dread. it’s definitely not my first choice, but i have sorted out my feelings and decided that if i’m going to have to do this for another two and a half more years, i might as well make the best of it. find the best part of it and pursue it, and that’s why i’m really excited to major in marketing from my third year onwards. there’s so much creativity and exciting ideas to look forward to in brand management! i’m actually considering dropping one of the classes i bidded for next semester to try out my second marketing class, but at the same time, i also am aware that the important, fundamental modules should always come first. first priorities, second interests.
i guess the thing that disturbs me the most is the idea that i’m currently pursuing someone else’s dream. i’ve already come to terms that i will have to achieve financial independence before i can start doing what i really want to do, since my parents are really wildly unsupportive of what i want to do (idek where to start with that, honestly), but potentially the worst feeling is sitting around taking up space, space that could be filled by someone who seriously, truly, wants to be here. if i really get deep into it, it’s a sucky feeling.
recently i realized that i’ve been so caught up with club activities that i can no longer recognise myself. 2-1 has probably been the worst out of the three semesters i’ve had, and i heard from waneu that it’s actually the worst. i do hope it gets better. i think the scariest part of the semester was 1) not doing well during my midterms and 2) feeling horribly out of place during club activities. while i was engaging in these activities, the idea that i was fulfilling someone else’s core objectives and not mine relentlessly haunted me. so on the bright side, i’m grateful for the opportunity to be given a breather and really think, for myself, what it is that i want and what i want to get out of university.
for the next semester, i’m hoping to just focus on acads, work, dance, and most of all, God. i think that will really help in ensuring that i take baby steps in this, because we have proven, time and again, that rachel panics when she is bombarded.
dance has been really fun -- apart from the backaches and the muscle cramps? but it also made me realize how much more training i need to be back in the game, because of how much time i took off dancing in the semester during finals. I NEED TO GET MY HEELS SOON!!!!! last saturday, i was the only one dancing without my heels, and the spanish instructor’s eyes were constantly on me. and it wasn’t because of my dancing, that’s for sure.
inyc is the hardest thing to edit in the world!!! i’m slowly losing faith in this novel even though i’m thrilled and excited for my friend; i just don’t really know how good sales are gonna be after the edits, and i just don’t feel like i’m good enough to do all the editing myself. might have to suggest to anj to get a secondary editor because i don’t feel like professional material.
in other areas of writing, tlp is slowly sucking the life out of me. i feel like because i’ve left it alone for quite a while, i’ve sort of lost my passion and rigour towards fictional literature. it’s rather frustrating, especially because i started out so excited to share this story and finish this piece of writing, and now i’m just backsliding and my editor wouldn’t stop asking for new chapters. poems are the same case. i seem to have so many ideas but find it so difficult to articulate and express them properly. and the thing is, i’ve been “taking a break” off of writing for a couple of months. maybe agalia’s right -- maybe i really only write well in heartbreak.
anw -- this is me rn, lots to think about and do!!! i wanted to talk about my favs photographed up there. i’ve been discussing with my Dad about getting a dslr for the family but unfortch, the discussion’s not going too well. i do hope we can get at least a digital camera soon though, because it’ll really help to better photograph our travels.
i’m also really thinking about getting into things that are more related to what i intend to do in grad school, but it’s difficult finding such avenues in school. maybe i might have to look outside of school?
so -- first fav: the white tumbler from the starbucks christmas collection 2018. i really like it a lot!!! the best thing is that the cap is tight so water/whatever beverage doesn’t seep easily, and there’s no need to unscrew the cap to drink, just twist the cap and there’s an opening to drink from. i’m really glad sis got it for me because i really need a beverage tumbler since i refuse to use my water bottle for anything other than water, especially for coffee because coffee eventually stains.
second fav: my knitted sweater and michael kors bag -- not really anything new, just my default wearables since the weather’s getting colder and more rain-y recently.
third fav: the 3ce mood palette!!! i really love 3ce recently because it’s so pigmented and soft - and i’ve been using the elf contour brush to do my eye makeup recently. i’ve been keeping my eye makeup (when i do put it on) very simple recently, especially when i’m rushing, and this palette is such a go-to palette i sound like one of those youtubers but it’s true!!! the elf eyelid primer is also one-of-a-kind and such a dupe for more high-end primers, since i’m perpetually broke... and the small l’oreal brush and little mirror are just things from my mama i wanted to be in the pic!
last but not least fav: i’ve also started on the subtle art of not giving a fuck by mark manson -- and so far it’s been really good. i won’t comment on the writing since i didn’t expect much, after all this book is written by a motivational blogger and not some Shakespearean poet, but i am really enjoying how honest and forthcoming his ideas and values are. i’m also being reminded more about prioritization and how a lot of the limits and expectations we consider are really self-imposed. excited to continue reading!!! hopefully i can gain more insights on better habits and positivity.
that’s kind of it -- sorry my updates are always so long, but i do hope you’ve enjoyed reading this! hehe.
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i feel like, recently, the exhaustion is so scorched onto my retinas that i can’t f--ing breathe. nothing i do ever feels like enough rn. just wisH GOD WOULD TAKE ME
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the night cycles into the day that cycles into the night. just because at some point we’ll cease to exist doesn’t change this fact at all. even if we vanish tomorrow, the sun still sets. I’m starting to find it difficult to continue pushing on, unable to see the light in a place the sun has turned its back on. how to keep smiling? how to remain excited about life when my carefully polished veneer is chipping? I’ve started looking for signs of light in this tunnel, but for some reason, with it I can hear the screeching of car tires.
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we know u try ur hardest in everything u do rach 💗💗 always praying for u!!
thank u
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