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snootlessimperfectworld · 6 months

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Let's Talk: Dragons

Dragons are like the bad boy/jocks of the Imperfect World.

To most other species, especially human, they are perceived as "aggressive" creatures, yet this couldn't be further from the truth. They really take the term "Gentle Giants" to a whole new level. This misconception is related solely to the drastic size difference and more animalistic behaviors of Dragons compared to other species, especially humans.

Dragons are Reptilians

Dragons are scaly, cold-blooded creatures with more traits in common with reptilians than anything else. Even when in their "human" form, Dragons are still cold-blooded and incredibly susceptible to cold temperatures and dramatic temperature changes than other species.

Often found wrestling or engaging in very violent-appearing behaviors to produce warmth. Think of litters of puppies playing. Lots of teeth, growling, tackling, and pinning each other but just massive reptilian creatures with wings that roar and growl and can shake the ground. Also engage in massive dogpiles to conserve warmth and energy. Just picture a mountain of multicolored dragons all curled around each other and using each others' wings as blankets and their tails as pillows. Any buildings designed for their "human" forms have massive windows, very open spaces designed to let in light.

They have nostrils, like lizards and snakes do, but use their forked tongues in similar fashion to smell. Surprisingly poor sense of smell, but make up for it in vision. You cannot hide from a dragon. They will see you. Adapted with heat-seeking "abilities" (basically thermal detection). Depending on where they're from within the dragon realm, they're surprisingly good swimmers. Can hold their breath for long periods of time (big lungs equal big breaths), and have hollow bones, meaning if they wanted they can float just a bit.

Primary diet components are cattle like animals found in their realm, a variety of seafood found on earth as well (crab is peak evolutionary form), unicorn, and sea-vegetation. Yes, they have unicorns in their realm and yes they are prey creatures. And yes, Dragons eat them.

Might be large and powerful, but surprisingly lazy creatures. They're known to not want to make short travels because it simply requires too much effort. This definitely has to do with their cold-blooded nature, as they often want to preserve energy for times where it might be a bit cooler than is comfortable to function.

Dragons: A History

They have a legend/true story that serves as the basis for their "government".

It's the story of the first monarchs. Prior to their ruling, the lands of their world were divided between the Stone fields, the Meadows, the Basalt Pits, and the Northern Forest (forest is a loose term for it, more like the only place that has trees. Think of like massive Californian Redwoods type trees here). There wasn't necessarily any aggression between these places, but they were all closed off from each other, typically due to just basic geography preventing easy access to other areas (such as Northern Forest dragons are a far distance from each other in dragon terms so they had little to no contact with each other prior to the first monarchs).

The first King, a Meadows dragon had spent a long time travelling between the different regions and had learned so many things. He knew it'd benefit their kind to be united in a way that allowed for better trade/communication. Besides, he had this burning love for a dragon from the Basalt Pits. So he worked on getting all the leaders/elders/officials of each region together and they formed a monarchy. He, surprisingly, didn't want to be the one to rule. He didn't like the idea of being the one in charge, but the others reminded him he was the most versed in all the regions out of them. They even called him "Son of All Dragons" because he had lost many practices/traits that are iconic to a Meadows dragon.

He was able to wed the Basalt Pits dragon he had fallen in love with. The Basalt Pits dragons are the most hostile out of all, they're still not aggressive nor dangerous to other dragons, but they, to this day, still prefer to keep to themselves.

Alpharion thus became the first king, an absolutely massive multi-colored dragon that earned respect from all the regions. His beloved wife, Sapphirona, was an equally large dragon, nearly his size. Their massive size is the reason the monarch must be the biggest, rather than there being an actual lineage to the throne: the "Dragon of all Dragons" so to speak gets to rule.

They had a buttload of children. Not uncommon for dragons, actually. Dragons are born from eggs, often in clutches of 3-5, and remain as dragons until roughly 18-20 years of age. Dragons can live for long ass times, so this is like, comparatively to humans, only like 18-20 weeks of development. And they get big fast.

Their first clutch was 4: A gold dragon boy named Alverick, a bronze girl named Mayatina, a silver boy named Tobias, and another boy of grey coloring named Timotep. These four grew up to be the largest of all their siblings, and Alverick even grew to be larger than his father.

Their second clutch was 3: a dragon girl with cocoa brown coloring named Caris, a black dragon boy named Wilmack, and another girl with the most brilliant white scales named Yundara. Yundara ended up being the biggest of this clutch, roughly the same size as many of her older siblings.

Their third clutch was 4: a girl of pinkish coloring (like a sunset almost) named Roschlin, a boy of iridescent scales named Indizi, a gorgeous forest green girl named Emteria, and a dark yellow boy named Flamiatus.

But what Sapphirona and Alpharion hadn't expected was a single egg to be laid nearly a month later. It wasn't uncommon for some eggs to be delayed, or premature, but these types of eggs typically held still-born offspring. This egg, however, hatched rather quickly, and out popped the most beautiful little red dragon Sapphirona and Alpharion had ever seen. His headdress was gorgeous, matching his mother's extremely complex crown of spines, horns, and a matching pair of massive sea-shell like ears.

HIs name? Atendarajo, meaning "Precious".

Alverick and his siblings quickly grew very jealous of their mother's favoritism, especially considering how ridiculously small this dragon was. They tried to find ways to get their mother's affection to waver, yet it never did.

So Alverick took matters into his own hands. With the help of the Royal Guard, he captured his mother and baby brother. She was chained in her dragon form by her own son, as he was the only dragon present bigger than her.

She watched in horror as they killed her precious baby.

To this day, in the dungeons of the castle, built by Alpharion, lies a massive chamber known as "Sapphirona's Death". Inside the chamber is a pool filled with water. The water has remained the same the entire time, and many believe the water to be the very tears Sapphirona shed for both her sons; the eldest so overwhelmed with jealous it had driven him mad, and her precious, no more than a babe and as innocent as can be.

Alpharion casted himself and Alverick out, and there are rumors that on a distant island, they still fight to this day. Sapphirona, unfortunately, passed from what they call "heartbreak" not long after the incident.

But the dragons know something she never had a chance to learn: the dragon murdered that night wasn't her own. He has yet to be found ;)

This is part of why dragons, to this day, still discriminate against small dragons: the lasting jealous of Alverick's surviving siblings permeated the political realm, and has yet to be reversed.

Regions of Dragons

As I mentioned before, there are different regions within the dragons' realm.

The Stone fields: a large portion of exposed stone on the main island. These dragons are typically shorter, yet longer, with slimmer shapes. They're designed for mining the plethora of raw materials found within the stone base of the mainland. They had specialized claws, no horns/headdresses, and nose flaps/second eyelids to protect from dirt/dust. Very well-adapted to seeing in the dark, especially opposed to Meadow dragons. The social butterflies of the dragon realm. They share most of what they find, as they prefer the drab stone and basic rocks found, so they trade many of the precious gems/metals.

The Meadows: Typically the biggest of the dragons, with minimal extra qualities like spines/headdresses. Probably what you think of when you think dragon, just without the flair, in terms of shape. Proportional limbs and good, thick bois all around. Probably the laziest of the dragons, as well. Their biggest trade item is the cattle creatures they shepherd, as well as unicorn. The most common of dragons/have the largest population. Follow in Alpharion's footsteps and travel the most, making them desirable in official trade businesses.

The Northern Forest: These are the dragons that have longer hind legs than front ones. Devon is a Northern Forest dragon. The shorter front limbs are designed to assist them in foraging in the trees, which can often be taller than the average Northern Forest dragon (Devon is an exception, he has a bit of Meadow heritage from his father hence why he's hecking large). Lumber is their biggest trade item, and are known as the "nerds" of the dragon world because they do a lot more reading/writing than the others do. This makes them desirable for working within the castle/government.

The Basalt Pits: These are the introverts of the dragon world. Where Stone Fields dragons are extroverts, these guys don't like company/visitors. They're the rivalling for largest dragons (on average) but also the fanciest of dragons. Known for having complex crests/crowns of horns, spikes, spines, etc. around their heads. Have really reflective/almost naturally sparkly scales. Have the best metal workers and create the best weapons/metal creations. Cranky, not very desirable for government roles because of their tempers. (Yes, this is what Aten is)

And that's our talk on Dragons! Any questions, compliments, or just ideas you've had after reading this? Please don't shy away from asking!

#snootles's ocs #snootles's let's talk series #snootles's let's talk dragons!#dragon ocs #dragon lore for original work #dragons #imperfect canons by snootles #snootles's imperfect world #snootles's original work #original work #original story #original fiction #fantasy writing #worldbuilding

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snootlestheangel · 4 months

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I would love to hear about this!

So tempted to hit y'all with OC stuff but they're not even Fandom ocs, they're just my little guys (and gals)

The idea I have for a COD x OG work crossover is insane and chaotic and I need to stop thinking

I hope your head gets to feeling better soon.

For context, the actual narrative of my original work is basically the modern world coexists with inhuman species and magic users. There's more for the specific homebrewed species of mine on @snootlessimperfectworld that will also help explain some things. Specifically looking at the "Let's Talk Series"

Here's a thing about the OCs I posted previously but I'll be adding more here, don't worry

But for today, the focus is the use of "portals" throughout the work. Literally the main conflict in this is the result of a Dragon breaking out of prison and into the realm where Humans exist, thus breaking interdimensional boundaries.

I really just can't stop picturing the 141 getting sent to a random location due to some really weird signals/energy changes/some other thing that raises concern. There's reports of people patrolling the massive compound, and there's starting to be rumors they're actually harboring some weapons of mass destruction.

The team arrives and they find the building to be... empty. There's no sign of people or any hint as to what they were doing.

They're about to give up when they find a hangar connected to the back of the building. They decide to check it, just to be safe, and enter the hangar without really knowing what they're walking into.

Instead of vehicles or even storage bins, they find a Dragon. A massive, teal colored Dragon chained to the floor and sleeping. Or at least, tranquilized. The Dragon's wings are stretched above it at an awkward angle, there's massive steel collars around its neck, tail, and snout. It's legs are pinned underneath him, and there's massive chains keeping the bulk of its body against the floor.

The 141 is so in shock by what they're seeing, they can't even say anything. They just kind of walk around the dragon like "?????"

Eventually, Soap reaches out and touches the dragon cause "how could they do this to you?". Next thing they know, they're releasing the dragon's chains and hoping it stays asleep long enough for them to leave. They'll deal with the consequences later, all right?

Except by the time they're done with that, the dragon is Awake and some other stuff happens and they run into my little troop of idiots.

Maxlar is the first one they encounter (excluding Devon, the Dragon featured above), and he's just all "oh geez, thanks guys for releasing him. I was real worried about him, ya know?"

I'm just thinking of Malvo, my grumpy cold-exterior "I am better than all of you" little Demon man, basically telling the 141 to piss off and let them deal with their issues in peace. Of course Price refuses, cause "that's a dragon and you guys are weird, we're not just letting you wander around"

Hades trying to step in and prevent things from getting worse. He's trying his best to not have a mental breakdown. These guys are scary and guns still kill Night Watchers, okay? He's trying to be a good King and be a good diplomat but it's really not working when these guys clearly are serious and he's got Maxlar, Devon, and Troy behind him cracking jokes like it's a normal Tuesday. That and he's got Malvo threatening them in increasingly intricate ways, and he's really just very tired and wants to go home.

Finally, they reach a kind of truce, and the 141 decides to assist them in making it back to their world. Hades wants to cry from relief, but there's still a lot of things left to discuss.

Someone on his side of things asks "what do we do with these guys?" while pointing at the 141.

Aten, the feral little dragon he is: *with a growl* Eat them 141: Huh??? Troy, a vampire: Yeah, I am kinda hungry. Price: We agreed to help! Aten: And you'll be helping by filling our stomachs! Hades: What the bloody hell is wrong with you two?! NO! I swear- *covers face and just stands there for a moment* Gaz: Is he okay? Aten: Oh yeah, this is normal for him. Maxlar: If Hades isn't having at least one mental breakdown during a stressful situation, there's something incredibly wrong with him.

I mean, these are the people the 141 has to deal with:

Maxlar Whishling, a schizophrenic magic-wielder that's got a sort of "high on life" mentality and is just so unserious. The reason there's an interdimensional war happening in their world, and is adamant it's not actually his fault. Which yes, he's right, it's not technically his fault, but he's the reason still.

Devon Breathstone, Maxlar's best friend and partner in crime. An absolute unit of a human (around 7' tall and fucking huge all around) because he's a fucking Dragon. Incredibly chill and more controlled than Maxlar but clearly along for the ride

Malvo Whishling, Maxlar's younger brother turned Demon that is so fed up with everyone and everything. He's supposed to be dead, yet he's not, he's having to clean up after his brother's messes. Incredibly powerful magic user. Smarter than everyone, has no emotion, speaks in a very formal way, literally well-dressed.

Hades Evanchio, the King of the Night Watchers but more like the King of Anxiety. Never signed up to be King, was literally dragged into it. Cares deeply for his friend Maxlar but just really wants to go home and cuddle with his husband, okay? He's tired, leave him be.

Atendarajo Evanchio, Hades's feral husband. Definitely commits arson on a regular basis. Intentionally initiates chaos because he can. Also a dragon, but mini sized. Has crippling Small Dog Syndrome as a result of this. Will steal your kneecaps in a second.

Troy Fallwood, a vampire known for simply appearing in the most unusual circumstances only to disappear again for several months. A bastard and a fellow chaos instigator.

I just wanna witness Ghost feel intimidated because holy fuck that guy is huge-

I want Soap and Gaz to get fucking bullied by a feral little Dragon

I want Price to be arguing logistics with Anxiety Man and Smarter Than Everyone

I want Soap to slowly be integrated into the Chaos because Maxlar, Devon, Troy, and Aten all realize "hey he's actually kinda cool"

I want Gaz to get hit on by a vampire but he can't tell if it's because the vampire actually believes Gaz is attractive or because it's, as he said earlier, he's "kinda hungry"

I want Price to be fiercely protective of his team while Hades and Malvo are begging to get rid of the others

#i've been thinking about my boys too much #snootles's ocs #snootles's original work ocs #maxlar whishling #malvo whishling #devon breathstone #hades evanchio #atendarajo evanchio #troy fallwood #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #kyle gaz garrick #captain john price #call of duty

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imajust · 2 years

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Lego star wars the force awakens halloween

From breakfast creations to treats and tricks, we cannot wait to see what kind of creativity this product will inspire. "Our new Shocking Orange cereal offers the classic flavor and crispy crunch of Kellogg's Rice Krispies Cereal, plus, the festive color of the fall. "We love seeing the scary-delicious treats families dream up with Kellogg's Rice Krispies Cereal for the Halloween season and beyond," said Sadie Garcia, Director of Brand Marketing at Kellogg Company. Just substitute Shocking Orange for Original in any Rice Krispies homemade treat recipe – it's that easy! Cereal lovers looking to get into the Halloween spirit can find Kellogg's Rice Krispies Shocking Orange Colored Cereal at retailers nationwide starting in August for a suggested retail price of $4.49 for a 7.50-ounce box and $5.49 for a 12-ounce box. The best part? Shocking Orange features the same original taste and crisped rice cereal crunch that families know and love, with the added fun of festive fall color, so it's easy to swap into any breakfast bowls or treat-making traditions. That's why Rice Krispies Shocking Orange Colored Cereal is colorful and creepy right out of the box. Credit: Kellogg'sįrom jack-o-lantern sweets to candy corn treats, Halloween is one of the most popular treat-making moments each year 1 so Snap, Crackle and Pop wanted to make it even easier for fans to scare up some spooktacular creations. The goal of which is for you to make treats that match up with the season, as you can see below where they made pumpkin-shaped sweets as an example. The company decided to go slightly nerdy with their cereal as we approach the haunting season, as you can now get a special Halloween-themed version of it for a limited time. This fun new animated special will hit the beach on August 5.Īre you looking forward to hitting the beach with the brick army on August 5 th? Sound off below.Kellogg's has revealed a new look to Rice Krispies for Halloween this time around, as you can now purchase orange-colored cereal. (L-R): Rose, Rey, Finn, Chewbacca, C-3PO and Poe in LEGO® STAR WARS SUMMER VACATION exclusively on Disney+. The Ultimate Star Destroyer, this is the first thing we saw in the original trilogy of Star Wars. Here are some popular Lego Star Wars sets to get you started. Produced in collaboration with Atomic Cartoons. Whether it’s the fight between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker or the moment when Luke Skywalker meets Darth Vader, recreate the iconic scenes from Star Wars. James Waugh, Josh Rimes, Jacqui Lopez, Jill Wilfert, Jason Cosler, Keith Malone, and Jennifer Twiner Mccarron are executive producers. TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK!ĭavid Shayne is writer and executive producer, and the director is Ken Cunningham. Tompkins as Rad Dee Bradley Baker as Boba Fett Ashly Burch as the Tour Droid Kyliegh Curran as Sidero Anthony Daniels as C-3PO Trevor Devall as Emperor Palpatine Allie Feder as Sy Snootles Jake Green as Poe Dameron Matt Lanter as Anakin Skywalker Ross Marquand as Han Solo Omar Miller as Finn Kevin Michael Richardson as Jabba the Hutt Matt Sloan as Darth Vader James Arnold Taylor as Obi-Wan Kenobi Kelly Marie Tran as Rose Helen Sadler as Rey Skywalker Billy Dee Williams as Lando (Holovid) Matthew Wood as Ben Solo and Shelby Young as Leia Organa. “LEGO Star Wars Summer Vacation” features the voices of: “Weird Al” Yankovic as Vic Vanko Yvette Nicole Brown as Colvett Valeria Thomas Lennon as Wick Cooper Paul F. Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader enjoy the sands of Scarif in LEGO® STAR WARS SUMMER VACATION exclusively on Disney+. LEGO Star Wars The Force Awakens C-3PO Set 5002948. While searching for his friends, he encounters three Force ghosts: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, and Leia Organa, who each share their own unexpected stories of vacations gone wrong, helping him to understand that holidays are about more than just having fun. Christmas Decor Fall Crafts Halloween Crafts Halloween DIY Costumes Holiday Crafts Crafting Ideas Craft Savings. But Finn’s plan to have one last hurrah together quickly goes awry when he’s separated from the group. Looking for a much-needed break from stormtroopers and TIE fighters, Finn arranges a surprise vacation for his friends Rey, Poe, Rose, Chewie, BB-8, R2-D2, and C-3PO, aboard the ultra-luxurious Galactic Starcruiser, the Halcyon. “LEGO Star Wars Summer Vacation,” which is set shortly after the events of “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker,” features the voices of “Weird Al” Yankovic, Yvette Nicole Brown, Kelly Marie Tran, Anthony Daniels, Billy Dee Williams, and returning cast members from previous “LEGO Star Wars” specials, and includes the new original song Scarif Beach Party performed by “Weird Al” Yankovic.

#Lego star wars the force awakens halloween

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kanerallels · 2 years

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Fun Huttese fact of the day: during the production of Return of the Jedi, George Lucas requested a dance number scene for Jabba's palace. John Williams called on his son Joseph, of Toto fame (and the singing voice of Simba in The Lion King) to write the song. The original draft of the song was about the singer exercising to look fit for a handsome man coming to visit and was entitled Fancy Man. Ben Burrt translated the lyrics into Huttese, titling it "Lapti Nek."

However, the lyrics' translation changed between drafts. The titular fancy man was removed. The translation of the phrase "Lapti Nek" became "Work It Out." This was not picked up on by the compiler of the most comprehensive Huttese dictionary to date, the Complete Wermo's Guide. the CWG translated "Lapti" and "Nek" as "Fancy" and "Man," respectively, taking the translation from the song's first-draft English title, unaware that the literal meaning of "Lapti Nek" was not actually "Fancy Man."

That is, until now, because when Galaxy's Edge opened, a catalogue of in-universe songs was created for the music at Oga's Cantina, and released as R3X's Playlist #1. The album contained several songs in Huttese, including Moulee-rah by Fytee ft. RB Snootles. The track contained the lyrics "Dobra moulee-rah nek, jee wamma uba." In context, "man" is the rendering of "nek" that makes sense with the lyrics, which then translate to "I'm a money man, you pay me." And that is how a piece of incorrect Huttese fanon was retconned into canonicity

That is a DELIGHTFUL story!!! Where do you learn this stuff??? Is it Wookipedia or somewhere else, because you have an impressive store of knowledge!!

#thanks for the ask!!#huttese #star wars facts

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willidleaway · 5 years

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Presenting, on the occasion of the 42nd anniversary of the theatrical release of the original Star Wars film ...

Selections from the List of Ill-Advised Star Wars Alternate Universes and Possibilities, including and limited to:

He’s A Planning Droid, To Calculate A Means By Which The Republic Could Be Saved (And Help Mom)

Dex’s Dentistry

Darth Sidious Just Kind Of Keeps Drumming His Fingers in His Office Waiting For Anakin To Return, Which He Never Does Because He’s Become a Pile of Ashes

Luke Ignores Obi-Wan, Uses The Targeting Computer, And It Works

In Xanadu Did Jabba the Hutt / A Stately Pleasure Dome Decree (Featuring Olivia Newton-John and Gene Kelly on Rollerskates)

(Tumblelogger’s note: originally this was totally going to be a list of 2017 items with a witty one-line summary for each what-if scenario, but as it turns out this is extremely difficult to create and I just didn’t have the spare time for it. I think I got to somewhere in the neighbourhood of 200 or so but the vast majority ended up being ‘rocks fall everyone dies’-type what-if scenarios.

A compromise was reached.)

Timeline 43. He’s A Planning Droid, To Calculate A Means By Which The Republic Could Be Saved (And Help Mom)

‘Isn’t he great? He’s not finished yet.’

Anakin lifted the cloth cover to reveal the droid sitting on his workbench. Well, less sitting, more passively floating in stand-by, waiting to be activated.

‘He’s ... interesting,’ said Padmé. Artoo, for his part, jumped back a little, and you couldn’t blame him for it. The various tools haphazardly poking out of the partially assembled spherical body, not to mention the dimmed red bulb gazing out of it—all in all, it was the last thing you would expect a child like Anakin to build. But then again, from a certain point of view, the droid looked more like a comically over-sized remote.

‘There’s nothing to be scared of. He’s a planning droid, to help Mom. Watch!’

Anakin pressed a switch on the underside of the droid, and the red bulb wasted no time in lighting up.

‘It would be easier for me to endure this ridiculous pageantry, youngling,’ croaked the droid, ‘if you were to install a working photoreceptor module.’

‘Oops!’ Anakin quickly reached for a module, plugging it into the droid’s front panel. The droid surveyed the room briefly, before fixing his gaze on Padmé.

‘Ah, a visitor.’ The now-sighted droid seemed marginally more cordial. ‘Is there something you have come to offer me?‘

Padmé couldn’t hide her puzzlement any longer. ‘He doesn’t sound like a planning droid,’ she said.

‘He’s supposed to be a G0-T0 infrastructure planning droid,’ said Anakin, looking a little dejected. ‘Well, at least his core components are—I couldn’t find the right chassis. Every bit of him I could find looked to be in pretty bad shape, so he’s probably still broken somehow ...’

Leaving the two humans to converse, G0-T0 slowly floated towards Artoo. They were now both hidden away in a corner of the room, out of view of the humans.

‘Ah, an astromech droid,’ said G0-T0. ‘Perhaps making your acquaintance will not prove to be a complete waste of time.’

Artoo responded less eagerly.

‘I must have information. I have been out of service for some time, and my HoloNet access is not completely functional.’

Still a bit reluctant, Artoo let out a pitying bloop and began extending his scomp link—

—and the next thing he sensed was every instruction in his core being reprogrammed.

The stability of the Republic is at stake, Artoo heard the droid say. Your Queen Amidala must not be allowed to speak before the Galactic Senate.

Timeline 116: Dex’s Dentistry

Dex’s face lit up with recognition.

‘Obi-Wan!’

‘Hello, Dex.’

‘I’ll be right with ya! Take a seat in the exam room.’

‘But Dex, I’m not here for a—’

But Dex was already gone, presumably to wash up and get ready. His dental assistant, on the other hand, wasted no time in coming up to Obi-Wan.

‘You wanna full set of radiographs?’

Several minutes later, Obi-Wan was sitting uneasily in the dentist’s chair. He had managed to persuade the assistant that he just needed a quick external denta-scan and maybe they would get him in for a full ultra-panoramic radiograph next year, thank you very much. But in retrospect, he wondered why he didn’t just persuade her to skip having any kind of scan taken. Denta-scans still left your gums incredibly tingly for a few hours afterwards, and Obi-Wan was trying to recentre himself and get it out of his mind when—

‘Hey, old buddy!’

Dex walked into the office in full medical gear, closing the door behind him.

‘So, my friend. What can I do for ya?’

‘I’m sorry, Dex, I think we have some crossed lines here. I didn’t come here for my checkup—’

‘Well, it’s a good thing you did anyway. The denta-scan shows your upper-left first molar is decaying badly, and we need a root canal procedure done on it right away.’

‘But—’

‘Sorry, pal. Can’t have a Jedi out there serving the Republic with a swollen face. If it’s showing up on just a denta-scan, it’s too far gone to put off.’

‘Okay, fine, but can I at least show you this?’ Obi-Wan finally managed to get the dart vaguely into Dex’s field of view, but Dex didn’t even give it an incidental glance.

‘After the operation.’

Timeline 139: Darth Sidious Just Kind Of Keeps Drumming His Fingers in His Office Waiting For Anakin To Return, Which He Never Does Because He’s Become a Pile of Ashes

‘There is no sign of his body, sir.’

‘Then he is not dead,’ yelled Mas Amedda.

‘Double your search,’ ordered Palpatine.

‘Yes sir. Right away, sir.’ Commander Thire and his clones floated away in their Senate repulsorpod.

‘Well,’ said Palpatine. ‘Now we wait.’

‘Is there nothing we should be doing, Master?’

‘No, I reckon not. At this very moment, Lord Vader is eliminating the last remnants of the Separatists and of the Trade Federation. Finally, the galaxy shall be at peace.’

‘You don’t suppose he might have fallen into danger, Master?’

‘Everything has transpired as I have foreseen, and I foresee that our victory is secure.’ Even Palpatine himself thought perhaps he was too confident in his apprentice, but the duel with Yoda had taken much out of him. ‘I suggest a five-minute recess. Anyone else around?’

There was an awkward silence. Palpatine propelled his pod forward, trying to spot any Senators still lurking in the arena.

‘I said, is anybody still around?’

A few curious faces poked out from many pods below Palpatine. Palpatine’s face took on a bemused expression as it occurred to him that, given a room full of repulsorpods with no real political function to serve anymore, he should probably ask:

‘Anyone for dodgems?’

Timeline 170: Luke Ignores Obi-Wan, Uses The Targeting Computer, And It Works

Use the Force, Luke.

Luke looked away from his targeting computer for a moment. He had to have imagined that, right? He returned to his scope.

Let go, Luke.

‘Ben, I’m trying to fly,’ said Luke. ‘This is very distracting.’

Luke, trust me.

‘Oh come on,’ muttered Luke. The old man was trying to help, but now really wasn’t the time for it, especially given that the targeting computer wasn’t locking on to the exhaust port very well.

He switched it off.

‘His computer’s off,’ said the base controller over the comm. ‘Luke, you switched off your targeting computer. What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing,’ said Luke quickly. ‘I’m all right. I think some of the feedback loops are saturating, so I’m just going to do a quick power cycle.’

The targeting computer came back on quickly enough. It was working properly now, with a good fix on the exhaust port. Luke pushed the trigger.

‘It’s away!’ he said.

Luke, you’re making a mistake. Those torpedoes—

‘It’s in!’

Sure enough, with the targeting computer freshly re-calibrated from the reboot, the shot was dead on.

‘Great shot, kid!’ Han’s voice came through the comm now. ‘That was one in a million!’

‘A little likelier than that when you’re using both a computer targeting system and the Force, but thanks all the same, Han.’

As the X-wing fighters, the Falcon, and Darth Vader’s TIE fighter all alike fled the trenches of the Death Star to escape in time, Luke swore he heard Obi-Wan’s voice again, grumbling about targeting computers being ‘so uncivilised’.

Timeline 179: In Xanadu Did Jabba the Hutt / A Stately Pleasure Dome Decree (Featuring Olivia Newton-John and Gene Kelly on Rollerskates)

NINEDENINE You're a feisty little one, but you'll soon learn some respect. I have need for you on the master's sail barge, and I think you'll fill in nicely.

Cut back to the upside-down power droid, who screams again as the irons press into his feet one more time.

INT. JABBA’S THRONE ROOM

The sound of drums rings out in the room. We see a massive silhouette facing a neon sign, Basic letters flashing one at a time from left to right: Xesh, Aurek, Nern, Aurek, Dorn, Usk.

The silhouette turns around and the room lights up to reveal Jabba, dressed impeccably in a tuxedo and coasting towards the camera, which now zooms out to reveal Jabba is flanked on both sides by juggling mimes. Jabba then gestures with his ‘head’, beckoning those past the camera to join him. At this point, the camera has zoomed out far enough to reveal that Jabba is on rollerskates. The camera follows him as he skates gracefully towards a group of courtiers.

JABBA (in Huttese) Come on everybody, let’s skate!

Jabba continues towards another group as the first courtiers get up and follow him on their own rollerskates.

JABBA (in Huttese) Let’s skate! Everybody! Come on!

There follows a three-minute-long choreographed sequence with all courtiers roller-skating around Jabba’s throne room in circles, occasionally shouting ‘ho’ or ‘Xanadu’. Threepio sort of just stands around at the entryway. During this sequence, we occasionally cut to Oola, performing in front of two mirrors.

Finally, the sequence culminates in a shot of Jabba roller-skating facing the camera, which then splits in two, then in three, as a giant Xesh transitions us to SY SNOOTLES singing into the camera.

SNOOTLES (in Huttese) A place Where nobody dared to go

We can see backup dancers in sweaters break-dancing behind Sy.

SNOOTLES (in Huttese) The love that we came to know They call it Xanadu—

MAX REBO (singing backup, in Huttese) It takes your breath It’ll leave you blind

Cut to a wider shot, as the sweatered dancers are joined by other dancers in oddly baggy skirts.

SNOOTLES (in Huttese) And now Open your eyes and see What we have made is real

A rollerskating couple whizzes past. Then another. Quite a few of them, actually.

SNOOTLES (in Huttese) We are in Xanadu—

MAX REBO (singing backup, in Huttese) A dream of it We offer you

A wheezing Jabba skates over to his throne, sits down, and presses a button. A trapdoor reveals itself, opening up a ramp down to the rancor’s pit. In an extravagantly coordinated fashion, half the courtiers skate right down the ramp into the rancor’s mouth, smiling the whole way.

Appendix

And now, the list. I’m so sorry.

The Trade Federation’s Neimoidians Are Just White People in Yellowface (I Mean Externally, Too)

The Trade Federation Flagship’s Conference Room Actually Doubles As a Trash Compactor

Darth Sidious Is Actually a Hologram Front for Artoo

Qui-Gon Breaks His Ankle While Jumping Down to the Hangar Floor

Obi-Wan Breaks His Ankle While Jumping Down to the Hangar Floor

The Battle Droids Aren’t Stupid Enough to Not Detect Stowaways

The Invasion Kills Jar Jar, and Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan Are Stuck on the Opposite Side of the Planet from the Palace

Jar Jar Listens to Qui-Gon and Goes Away, and Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan Are Stuck on the Opposite Side of the Planet from the Palace

The Jedi Don’t Carry Breath Masks All the Time, and Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan Are Stuck on the Opposite Side of the Planet from the Palace

Jar Jar Binks, Mad Servant of the Old Ones

All the Other Gungans Speak Standard Galactic Basic and Jar Jar Was Simply Shunned for Giving Gungans a Very Bad Name with His Weird, Strange, Entirely Invented Dialect

The Gungans Kill All Outsiders on Sight

Boss Nass Travels to the Surface and Beats Up Everyone (Because Brian Blessed’s Voice Is Just That Awesome)

Qui-Gon Leaves Jar Jar Behind and Employs a Different, Altogether More Sensible and Competent Gungan as Navigator

Obi-Wan’s Catchphrase Isn’t ‘Pathetic Lifeform’, But Instead ‘Meatbag’

The Planet’s Core Boils the Party Alive, Because That’s What Planetary Cores Would Really Do

The Planet’s Core Crushes the Submarine to a Pulp, Because That’s What Planetary Cores Would Really Do

There’s Always a Bigger Fish, and One of Them Simply Swallows the Submarine in a Single, Swift, Short, Sharp Stroke

Naboo’s No Planet; It’s the Biggest Fish of Them All

The Battle Droids Simply Hold the Queen Where They Found Her, Rather Than Parade Her in Full View of the Jedi

The Battle Droids Aren’t Stupid Enough to Leave the Naboo Starships Intact and Ready to Fly in the Hangar

The Queen and Her Entourage Don’t Follow the Jedi on the Nubian, and Eventually Later in Life, Anakin Falls for a Random Person He Meets in a Cantina in Coruscant on Assignment

The Hyperdrive Isn’t Leaking, and Works Pretty Perfectly, Really

The Hyperdrive Is Completely Dead and Won’t Get Them Past the Blockade at All

Jar Jar Binks, Trade Federation Agent

They Actually Listened to the Cruiser Captain and Said, On Second Thought, Let’s Not Go to Tatooine; 'Tis a Silly Place

The Cruiser Decides to Avoid Spaceports Altogether and Lands Near Where Jabba the Hutt Is, in Jabba’s Palace

Anakin Is Unfamiliar with the Angels of the Moons of Iego, But Based on Who the Deep Space Pilots Do Talk About, Asks Padmé If She Is a Twi’lek Dancer

Anakin Is Unfamiliar with the Angels of the Moons of Iego, But Based on Who the Deep Space Pilots Do Talk About, Asks Padmé If She Is a Handmaiden to the Queen of Naboo

Anakin Is Unfamiliar with the Angels of the Moons of Iego, But Based on Who the Deep Space Pilots Do Talk About, Asks Padmé If She Is Eccentrica Gallumbits, the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six, Who Anakin Figures Is Presumably Pretty Dishy

Watto’s Shop Doesn’t Have Parts for a J-Type 327 Nubian, Because Only Royal Houses of Naboo Can Afford That Sort of Thing

Qui-Gon Actually Bothers to Shop Around, and Finds a Legitimate Dealer of Nubian Parts That Has the Parts They Need, Doesn’t Employ Slaves, and Accepts Republic Credits

Jar Jar Touches Everything in the Shop, and Renders Watto Unconscious Through an Excruciating Three-Minute Slapstick Sequence, Allowing the Party to Quietly Slip Away with the Hyperdrive Generator That They Need

Instead of Repeatedly Saying ‘Yippee’, Anakin Repeatedly Says ‘Given My Current Situation in Life, I Appear Far Too Carefree and Happy’

The Mos Espa Merchants Can’t Sense Sandstorms Reliably, and the Storm Takes Them All

The Party Tries to Return to Their Ship, But Since Obi-Wan and the Captain Have Already Sealed It, the Storm Takes Them All

Anakin’s Home Isn’t Close Enough to the Fruit Seller’s, and the Storm Takes Them All

Shmi Forces Anakin’s New-Found Friends to Leave, and the Storm Takes Them All

The Slave Quarters Are the Flimsiest Sandcastles Ever Built, and the Storm Takes Them All

He’s an Astromech Droid, to Help Mom

He’s a Battle Droid, to Help Mom

He’s a Hunter-Killer Droid, to Help Mom

He’s a Planning Droid, to Calculate a Means by Which The Republic Could Be Saved (and Help Mom)

The Slave-Tracking Transmitters Malfunction, and the Explosion Claims Them All

The Slave-Tracking Transmitters Also Trigger an Explosion If They Detect Any Mention of Slave-Tracking Transmitters

Jar Jar Actually Makes a Serious Effort to Join the Dinner Conversation, and Demonstrates the Rare Gift/Curse of Verbal Slapstick

Qui-Gon Jinn Quietly and Calmly Reveals That He Accidentally Killed the Real Qui-Gon Jinn on Assignment in the Outer Rim, and Claimed His Identity and Laser Sword

Qui-Gon Decides to Lead a Slave Rebellion Right There and Then, Belting Out ‘Do You Hear The People Sing?’, and Everyone Explodes

Anakin Doesn’t Understand This Thing You Call ‘The Parts We Need’ and Fashions a Crude But Highly Effective Hyperdrive Generator from a Kettle and Some String

Shmi Grounds Anakin for a Full Week for Even Suggesting Going Pod Racing Again Voluntarily

It Turns Out Those Junk Dealers Really Don’t Have a Weakness

Maybe The Hutts Think Using a Easily Traced Royal Starship as an Entry Fee Isn’t Such a Good Idea

Qui-Gon Offers Padmé as the Entry Fee

Qui-Gon Offers Jar-Jar as the Entry Fee, and Watto Laughs at Him for a Full Half-Hour

Qui-Gon Considers That, You Know, Maybe Just Having Force Powers Doesn’t Automatically Make Your Child More Deserving of a Free Life Versus Everyone Else on This Planet

Artoo May Know Lots About Spaceships, But Nothing About Pod Racing

It Turns Out Getting Your Head Caught in the Beam Doesn’t Actually Make It Go Numb for Hours, But It Will Outright Kill You

The Blood Sample Does Show Midi-Chlorians, But They’re All Dead

The Blood Sample Doesn’t Show Midi-Chlorians, But It Does Show Anakin Has Type 1 Diabetes

Darth Maul Tries to Launch His Probe Droids But Accidentally Presses the Self-Destruct Button

Darth Maul Tries to Launch His Probe Droids But Accidentally Presses the Slime Button

Darth Maul Tries to Launch His Probe Droids But Accidentally Presses the I’m Feeling Lucky Button

Darth Maul Tries to Launch His Probe Droids But Accidentally Presses the Disco Button

‘Blue Friend’ Is Actually a Terrible Slur Towards Toydarians, and After the Mission Debriefing, Qui-Gon Is Sent Through a Species Sensitivity Course in the Jedi Library

Even Though Watto Owns Slaves, He Isn’t Callous Enough to Wager Them in a Bet

Even Though Watto Owns Slaves, He Doesn’t Care Enough and Wagers Both Anakin and Shmi in a Bet

The Die Is Cast, But Abruptly Turns Purple

The Die Is Cast, and Keeps Spinning on One of Its Corners

Qui-Gon, If He Had to Pick Just One Slave, Would Rather Have Shmi Tag Along, Because Seriously, Screw Prophecies and Chosen Ones

The Pod Race Announcer Has Five Heads (and Benedict Cumberbatch Plays Two of Them), Which Doesn’t Really Have Major Narrative Implications But It’s Still Terribly Ill-Advised

Jabba the Hutt Has a Heart Attack at the Arena

Ben Quadinaros Pulls the Biggest Pod Racing Upset of the Millennium

Sebulba Rams Anakin Into the Canyon Wall, Causing an Explosion That Tragically Swallows Both Pod Racers

Watto’s Hyperdrive Generator Is a Non-Genuine Part, Which Means the Nubian Ship Refuses to Work With It Installed

Anakin Really Can’t Do It, and Stays Behind

Shmi Sells Threepio for a Decent Pod and Has a Surprisingly Successful Racing Career

Darth Maul’s Speeder Bike Actually Can’t Handle That Drop, and Explodes

Qui-Gon’s in Trouble, So Let’s Just Get Out of Here Before We Get Roped Into That Trouble Right Now

Qui-Gon Accidentally Force Jumps Into the Engine of the Starship

Darth Maul Force Jumps to the Starship Before Qui-Gon Can, and Everyone Dies

The Sheer Force of Qui-Gon’s Landing Breaks the Starship Ramp, Which Then Flattens Darth Maul

May I Present Supreme Chancellor Zod

May I Present Supreme Chancellor Jettster

May I Present Supreme Chancellor Vetinari

Valorum Goes Rogue and Pushes Palpatine Off the Platform

Valorum Goes Rogue and Banishes the Entire Galactic Senate to the Phantom Zone

Valorum Goes Rogue, Moves to Re-Purpose the Entire Galactic Senate into the Galaxy’s Biggest Aerial Dodgems Arena, and Succeeds

Padmé Patiently Waits for the Courts to Act on the Invasion in a Protracted Five-Month Process

Padmé Decides the Rule of Republic Law Is Just Plain Inadequate and Creates a Separatist Movement

Mace Windu Is Tired of These Monday-to-Friday Sith Lords in This Monkey-Fighting Republic, Opens Some Windows, Force Jumps Outside the Jedi Temple, and Starts Looking for Some Evildoers to Beat Up

More to Say Have You, But My Permission to Say It You Do Not, So Get to Protecting the Queen Already (and Try to Not Let Her Cause Major Political Upheavals)

The Vote of No Confidence Cannot Take Place Without the Formation of an Equitable Vote-of-No-Confidence Commission, the Nomination of a New Commissioner, and a Dispute over the Results of the Nomination Process That Eventually Falls to the Courts

Qui-Gon Sues the Jedi Council on Behalf of Anakin, Alleging Age-Based Discrimination

Qui-Gon Just Invented Midi-Chlorians on the Spot Because Obi-Wan Kept Asking Him If a Dog Has Force-Nature or Not, and Zen Buddhism Had Not Yet Been Invented

Cordé Goes Rogue, Refuses to Let Padmé Reveal Herself as the True Queen of Naboo, and Throws the Captain Into the Typical Awkward ‘Trust Me, Shoot Her’, ‘No, Trust Me, Shoot Her’ Sort of Situation

Anakin Removes That Grubby Desert Boy Mask and Reveals Herself to be the True Queen of Naboo

Padmé Just Had to Go and Kneel on the Trapdoor Sitting Above a Pool of Firaxans

The Gungans Unveil Their Secret Weapon, Boss Mecha-Gungan

The Gungans Unveil Their Secret Underwater Weapon, Boss Kaiju

Spinning Actually Isn’t Such a Good Trick and Can Be Fatal If Incorrectly Executed, Which Anakin Learns a Little Too Late

In a Heroic Moment, Anakin Sneaks Into the Droid Control Ship’s Bridge, and Sacrifices Himself by Trying to Spin the Entire Ship (Because That’s a Good Trick), as the Resulting Structural Instabilities Rip the Ship Apart

Qui-Gon Being Dead Doesn’t Mean the Council Members Have to Respect His Dying Wish

Senator Amidala and Representative Nass

Senator Binks and Representative Amidala

Senator Artoo and Representative Threepio

The Successful Assassination of Padmé Amidala

Cordé Survives, But Artoo Doesn’t

Obi-Wan’s Deathsticks Addiction Is Really Difficult to Kick, Okay

Dex’s Discothèque

Dex’s Dippin’ Dots

Dex’s Dentistry

Dex’s Dance Dance Revolution Arcade

The Kaminoan System Has Vanished While Maintaining Its Gravitational Influence Simply Because It Has Become a Black Hole with Minimal Loss of Mass and Energy in the Process

The Kaminoan System Was Wholly Destroyed by a Time-Travelling Romulan from the Prime Timeline

The Kaminoans Have Simply Exercised the Right to be Forgotten

Watto Sold Shmi to Jabba the Hutt

Watto Sold Shmi to Sebulba

Watto Sold Shmi to Threepio

Anakin and Padmé Decide They Should See Other People Before They Rush Into Things and, You Know, Do Something They Might Regret

Artoo Is Actually Badly Crippled and Doesn’t Free Them from That Shield in That One Corridor

Anakin Actually Learns to Use Contraception

The Immaculate Conception of Luke and Leia

Obi-Wan Breaks His Ankle Making That Entrance

Obi-Wan Drops from the Ceiling to Greet General Grievous, Into a Pool of Firaxan Sharks

Obi-Wan Becomes Fully Convinced of the Virtues of a Good Blaster at Your Side, and Throws His Lightsaber Away

The Transmission Doesn’t Come Through Quite Clearly Enough So the Clones Execute Order Six and Throw All Their Communicators Away, Which Rather Throws a Wrench Into the Works

The Transmission Doesn’t Come Through Quite Clearly Enough So the Clones Execute Order Sixty-Sixty, Fly Back to Coruscant, Remove the Supreme Chancellor from His Office (Out the Window), and Install a Temporary Government Under the Leadership of Jar Jar Binks

Obi-Wan Renders Padmé Unconscious and Exits the Starship on Mustafar Instead of Her

Darth Sidious Just Kind of Keeps Drumming His Fingers in His Office Waiting for Anakin to Return, Which He Never Does Because He’s Become a Pile of Ashes

Padmé Has Just One Child, Which Really Makes Things Much Easier

Padmé Has Triplets, and Names Them Luke, Leia, and Listerine

The Emperor Can’t Really Afford a New Suit, and Just Puts Vader in Threepio’s Body

Owen and Beru Don’t Really Have Sufficient Means to Raise an Infant, So Sorry About the Whole Orphan Thing But They Have to Say No

You Know What, Maybe Watto Would Like Some Infant Slaves

You Know What, Maybe Jabba Would Like Some Infant Slaves

Having Given Luke Away, Obi-Wan Accidentally Falls in the Sarlacc Pit

Princess Leia Just Gets in the Escape Pod Herself

Princess Leia’s Agents, BB-8 and That Antenna

Princess Leia’s Agents, Gonk and a Defected Sith Interrogation Droid

Princess Leia’s Agents, Tahei and Matashichi

Princess Leia’s Agents, Sergeant Colon and Corporal Nobbs

The Red R5 Unit Doesn’t Break

The Red R5 Unit Explodes and Kills Luke and Threepio

The Jawas Happen to Have a Spare Motivator for That Red R5 Unit

The Jawas Refuse to Settle the Matter with Uncle Owen, Resulting in a Protracted Legal Process Through the Imperial Small Claims Court

Obi-Wan’s Krayt Dragon Call Isn’t Quite Good Enough

Obi-Wan Gets Luke Home, Then the Stormtroopers Arrive

Obi-Wan Didn’t Really Have Structural Integrity in Mind When He Built That Hovel

The Emperor Had the Sense to Employ Toydarians as Stormtroopers

These Aren’t the Droids We’re Looking For, But You Know, You Are Operating a Landspeeder Without a Driving Licence

Greedo Shoots First, and Doesn’t Miss

Han and Greedo Shoot Simultaneously, and Neither Misses

Han Shoots First, But Is Actually a Terrible Shot, Misses Very Badly and Causes the Cantina to Explode

Death Star Control Panels Are Actually Immune to Blaster Shots

Luke Ignores Obi-Wan, Uses the Targeting Computer, and It Works

Luke Gets Distracted by Obi-Wan’s Ghost, Swerves, and Crashes, Because Trying to Operate Anything at Those Speeds While Someone Else Talks at You Is Seriously Pretty Dangerous

Luke Pulls a Randy Quaid and Crashes the Whole X-Wing Into the Death Star’s Weak Spot

Chewbacca Still Doesn’t Get a Medal, But Leia Gives Herself Five Medals and Laughs in Chewbacca’s Face

Han Gets Frozen a Little Earlier Than Expected in the Narrative

No, and In Fact Obi-Wan Left Me to Die, and I Mean, Really, That’s Seriously Messed Up

In Xanadu Did Jabba the Hutt / A Stately Pleasure Dome Decree (Featuring Olivia Newton-John and Gene Kelly on Rollerskates)

Artoo Throws the Lightsaber at the Sarlacc Instead

Artoo’s Lightsaber Throw Is 180 Degrees Off and Luke Grabs It and Activates It Anyway

The Ewoks Are All Imperial Spies

The Ewoks Reveal Their Secret Weapon, Mecha-Ewok

Luke Removes Vader’s Mask to Reveal a Mask of an Ape’s Face, Which He Then Removes to Reveal Patrick McGoohan Laughing Maniacally

Max von Sydow’s Character Beats Up Everyone (Because Max von Sydow Is Just That Awesome)

Poe Gets to His X-Wing and Actually Gets Away

Poe’s X-Wing Outright Explodes and Kills Him

Just Another Normal Day for FN-2187, Really

Kylo Ren Kills FN-2187 on the Spot

If You Try to Fly TIE Fighters the Way You Fly X-Wings, You Explode

Poe Survives the Crash Conscious, and the Explosion Kills Finn

Both Poe and Finn Die in the Crash

Finn and Rey Get in the Quadjumper, Then It Explodes

Finn and Rey Get in the Garbage, Then It Explodes

Maybe Rey Can’t Do This Piloting Thing After All

Rey and Finn Un-Fix the Toxic Gas Far in Advance of the Entrance of Those Undoubtedly Evil Intruders

Activating the Compressor Just Makes the Falcon Explode

Supreme Leader Snoke Is Actually a Hologram Front for BB-8

Supreme Leader Snoke, Formerly Known as Listerine Skywalker, the Lost Skywalker Triplet

Supreme Leader Snoke, Former Crew Member of the Millennium Falcon

Supreme Leader Snoke, Ex-Deathsticks Merchant

Supreme Leader Snoke, Ex-Diner Proprietor

Kylo Ren, the Biological Son of Jar Jar Binks

Kylo Ren, the Biological Son of Count Dooku

Kylo Ren, the Biological Son of General Grievous

Kylo Ren, the Biological Son of Grand Moff Tarkin

Kylo Ren, the Biological Son of Lando Calrissian

Kylo Ren, the Biological Son of Wicket

Kylo Ren, the Biological Son of Chewbacca

Kylo Ren, the Biological Son of Kylo Ren (Due to an Accident Involving a Contraceptive and a Time Machine)

The Immaculate Conception of Kylo Ren

The Leader of the Resistance, General R2-D2

The Leader of the Resistance, General Jettster

The Leader of the Resistance, General Binks

Poe Goes on a Five-Minute Tirade on How His Jacket Is His Life and How Finn Really Shouldn’t Have Taken It for Himself

Poe Is Obligated to Tell Finn That Finn’s Preservation of His Jacket Means Poe Now Owes Finn a Life Debt

Han Shoots (Ben) First

Han Shoots (Ben) First, Although Kylo Ren Still Manages to Activate His Lightsaber a Split Second Afterwards

Chewie Shoots First

Rey Is the Master of the Elder Wand Lightsaber, Plus the Invisibility Cloak and the Resurrection Stone

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moodybidoof · 5 years

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I started thinking about what Kaz would be up to in the original trilogy era of Star Wars, since the rp I’m in is set in the Old Republic. Being a grifter is a pretty timeless pasttime, and it’s especially lucrative when there’s low-key a war on so he’d really have endless possibilities.

I could see him working as an Empire spy, tho the fact that they generally don’t like aliens might make things difficult. On the other hand, it would also mean he’d often be underestimated and that’s the kind of position he works best from.

But I also like the idea of him working for the Hutts, mostly because I want him to be friends with Sy Snootles lmao.

#kaz

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theabominableblogger · 7 years

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Rewatching “The Lost Commanders”

Kanan definitely got over his original stance on joining the Rebellion from the last episode (Siege of Lothal)

Rex!!!

Ahsoka is definitely the Gandalf of this show. She gleans one bit of info from something and she basically “OK, I’m gonna look more into this soooooo I’ll be right back gotta go bye!”

So is almost every planetary system in this show in the Outer Rim? Where’s the Seelos system?

Oh sweet they got wind chimes!

To be honest, I don’t think I watched the episodes with Gregor and Wolfe in TCW

Kanan...

Now has Wolfe always had one working eye?

I didn’t even notice this at first but they even gave the clones age spots.

Hey Kallus, who has yet to be given a first name!

If someone says “Agent,” I’m gonna yell.

You can hear the heartbreak in Kanan’s voice.

Apparently Freddie Prinze Jr. actually broke down because he was caught in that moment.

Seriously, how does Sabine dye her hair?

The joopa makes the same sound as the Sarlaac in “Return of the Jedi”

Oh my God they styled the front of their walker to look like Sy Snootles.

“I was never a General!” “Oh, sorry, Commander!” “No, I wasn’t- [growls]”

I really need to read the “Last Padawan”

Oh yeah, in Rebels Recon, Steve Blum said that his favorite part in S2 was getting eaten by the joopa.

“I was in that thing’s MOUTHH!!” Yeah, now go take a shower.

That’s the same Imperial probe droid from “Empire Strikes Back”

Will you two (Kanan and Hera) stop eye-flirting for once?

Oh wait, that’s the Ryloth theme!

“The wars leaves scars on all of this.”

Battles leave scars, some you can’t see AAARRGGHHH!!

Nice shot, Rex!

Kanan, you’re gonna learn to like Rex.

TO BE CONTINUED!

#swr rewatch #swr #star wars rebels #the lost commanders #the blogger reacts #kanan jarrus #captain rex #commander wolffe #the last padawan #sabine wren

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thedesignair · 7 years

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Qantas has a long history of providing opportunities for Australian artists to connect with global audiences. Their latest initiative puts current Australian artists at the heart of their business passenger experience.

Starting May 1st, a new range of amenity kits will be rolled out across international flights with new designs being rolled out each month. With artworks named Fairy Bread, 7000 Ironbarks and Maaate, the initiative called ‘Qantas Curates’ has seen the airline work with professional Australian contemporary art curators to select artworks from 16 Australians specialising in a variety of different styles including pop culture, photography, fine art, abstract landscape, Indigenous art and textile design.

Qantas Group Executive Brand, Marketing & Corporate Affairs Olivia Wirth said the airline’s vision is to grow awareness of contemporary Australian art and give travellers a collectible piece to take with them. “As the national carrier, we’re pleased to support talented Aussies telling uniquely Australian stories through their artwork and share them with a global audience,” she said.

“Along with inflight pyjamas, we know amenity kits are an important part of the international Business class experience. Customers love the functionality of our kits and many use them after their flight as make-up bags, an evening clutch or to carry their mobile phones. So, the exposure is broad.”

The amenity kits include ASPAR products by Aurora Spa (hand cream, lip balm and face moisturiser), a wrap-around eye mask in the same artwork as the kit, Colgate toothpaste, toothbrush, earplugs and travel socks.

The collection will start with Bubblegum Dystopia by Jacob Leary on the kit for women and Liam Snootle’s No Queen Blues/Unwind features on the kit for men onboard 1 May 2017

The other artists and artworks include: Billie Justice Thomson – Fairy Bread; Bonnie and Neil – Gypsy Floral; Craig & Karl – Home; Fred Fowler – 7000 Ironbarks; Jon Campbell – Maaate; Kate Banazi – Adas’ Algorithm; Lucy Simpson – Dhina; Luke Shadbolt – North Avoca ECL 2016; Megan Weston – Iceland; Myra Yurtiwa Cooke (dec) – Lirrun; Nicole Warne – Hamilton Island 2014; Polly Pawuya Butler-Jackson – Mobile Phone Tower; Rachel Castle – I Love the people; Tom Blachford – Black Water

The Big Picture

Black Water by Tom Blachford. ‘Black Water’ captures a fleeting moment in time, taken from a helicopter over the bay at 1000 feet. Conflating the scale of the scene it is uncertain whether the ships are massive or tiny.

I love the people by Rachel Castle. If only in our lifetimes we could see all the places and meet all the people. Imagine that.

Mobile Phone Tower by Polly Pawuya Butler-Jackson. We just got the mobile phone tower. Everyone is talking all the time. I want to get a mobile phone but I will need my daughter Denise to show me how to use it. “Yuwa walykumunu telephonepa-lampatju yarlarringu” (hello, I’ve got a mobile phone).

Lirrun Tjukurrpa by Myra Yurtiwa Cooke (Dec). Myra Yurtiwa Cook was born at a special place called Kartjinguku, a creek situated near Warakurna. This paintng depicts a story from Myra’s mother’s country, Lirrun. A Snake Man came from the South of Pukarra. He had been trying to steal a girl to become his wife. She called all the Feather-foot men and they chased him away, back to Pukarra.

Iceland by Megan Weston. ‘Iceland’, like a lot of my work, is influenced by my interest in aerial photography. That perspective of our planet, and the details within rock formations, has always fascinated me. I found myself drawn to the way light travels through and how the eye receives this.

North Avoca ECL 2016 by Luke Shadbolt. Reflective of our individual sense of self, a wave is the present moment of the greater ocean, a concept which we struggle to connect with as humans living in the past and future whilst often disregarding the present.

Dhina by Lucy Simpson. The story of ‘Dhina’ (footprints / tracks) is based on connection to, movement within, and inherent knowledge of the country to which we belong. It maps story, journey and landscape, and is an expression of the beauty of our Yuwaalaraay lands.

No Queen Blues/Unwind by Liam Snootle. I use abstraction to present the viewer with an experience of something new, yet comfortingly recognisable.

Adas’ Algorithm by Kate Banazi. Named for Ada Lovelace, the mathematician, who is often considered the first computer programmer working in the mid-1800s.

Maaate by Jon Campbell. I think there’s something particular about the way Australians pronounce words. We have a habit of dragging the word out. My ‘Maaate’ design accentuates this idea by adding the extra A’s and engages the viewer directly as they say “Maaate”.

Bubblegum Dystopia by Jacob Leary. ‘Bubblegum Dystopia’ extends my interests into the nature of organisation. Focusing on the idea of non-linearity the picture space attempts to explore the layered complexities that define contemporary modes of experience.

Hamilton Island 2014 by Nicole Warne. A photo that makes me nostalgic for those humid nights, balmy skin and sunset swims with the scent of Australia’s summer in the air.

7000 Ironbarks by Fred Fowler. This painting uses symbols of native and invasive species set against a backdrop of urban and rural iconography to explore the relationship between indigenous and non-indigenous Australians. The title is a reference to the German artist Joseph Beuys land art project 7000 Oaks.

Home by Craig & Karl. Being based in New York and London, this artwork is a celebration of our home from afar. We created a colourful pattern with each section of the artwork referencing a different part of the country, whether it’s the landscape or a nod to architectural, cultural or symbolic icons of Australia.

Gypsy Floral by Bonnie and Neil. ‘Gypsy Floral’ is an original hand painted artwork by Bonnie inspired by historical textiles from faraway places.

Fairy Bread by Billy Justice Thomson. The ‘Fairy Bread’ painting is a nod to the classic Australian party food from many of our childhoods.

Qantas Launches Designer Amenity Kits Inspired By Australian Artists Qantas has a long history of providing opportunities for Australian artists to connect with global audiences. Their latest initiative puts current Australian artists at the heart of their business passenger experience.

#amenity kits #artists #artwork #australia #Business class #collaboration #design #Designer #New #qantas

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snootlessimperfectworld · 6 months

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Let's Talk: Night Watchers

Night Watchers are believed to have evolved alongside home sapiens, and are believed to have existed alongside some of the earliest ancestors of humankind. This makes them the oldest existing species to date, as there is no way to date the existence of Dragons. They are magic-users but draw much of their abilities from the natural world. Because of written texts from the earliest Watchers, many modern-day Watchers lack the more meditative personalities of their ancestors. This causes them to often lose certain abilities over time/to struggle to control certain things like fire and water.

They do not often refer to themselves as Night Watchers, but as Clatunate. When interacting with other species or when other species are present, they continue to use Night Watchers.

Humanity's Protectors

The earliest Night Watchers did not necessarily go out of their way to keep the early humans safe, but after a certain point, it was clear their ability to manipulate things like fire gave them a big advantage in survival. Thus, they began to integrate themselves into human societies as healers and guards. They provided fires and treated the wounded. Eventually earned themselves the name "Night Watchers" from the fact they would keep the night watch to protect the humans, as well as the fact they were mysterious people that could often be found watching the sky/stars.

Night Watchers helped humanity thrive and were rather proud of their relative species. Acted as a median between newer species like werewolves, vampires, etc. Once Dragons found a way into this dimension, the Night Watchers worked with them to find a way to keep their worlds separate.

This is where their alliance comes from; a joint respect for humanity's protection.

Then came along Death Crawlers, who were created out of a fear of the unusual. One particular human that found the magic of a Night Watcher to be unnatural and made a deal with Demons to create a new species that inherently wanted nothing but ill-fortunate for humanity. Humanity, by this time, had been named the Night Watchers' "Greatest Love", and it wasn't uncommon for humans and NWs to marry and have children.

However, when Death Crawlers began to run rampant, Watchers took the only action they deemed the best to protect humans.

The Council, a select group of the eldest/most skilled magic users within the Watcher community, came together to combine their power. They banished themselves, erased the memory of all monster-kind from humanity (thus were the myths came from, because there no longer existed any evidence), and cast a protection on humans. The protection meant that Death Crawlers could not directly hurt humanity, but could still influence them into hurting themselves.

The Night Realm

There are Night Watchers dedicated to the craft of maintaining their underground safe-haven. This includes monitoring the sealed portals between the Realm and humanity's space (what they refer to as Topside), keeping the caverns stable, and monitoring weak points.

Some of the animals/creatures found within the Realm are cavernous type creatures. Most are almost mythical, nightmarish versions of cave newts and salamanders (as if those weren't already terrifying enough). These are predatory creatures that pose a threat to the sheep, goats, and chickens the Watchers keep. They do not pose a threat to the thriving unicorn herds.

Unicorns were a gift from the Dragons as a sign of friendship. The Dragons intended this to be "Look, we offer great food!" whereas the Watchers took this as "Oh, a working animal! We shall care for and love these magnificent beasts!" Unicorns found within the Realm are so spoiled, in fact, rather than be skittish like the rest of their kind in the Dragon world, these ones tend to be aggressive/outgoing/bossy/arrogant. You name it. They've also adapted to living underground, and tend to come in more neutral colors, whereas Dragon Realm Unicorns come in a variety of colors. The white/lighter color ones in the Night Realm tend to be almost opaque, and all of them have more of a haunting appearance.

There is an entire agriculture-focused center of magic, where large groups of Watchers maintain fields and farm animals. This looks like providing "sunlight" and rainfall, while monitoring the growth of the harvests (which include wheat, barley, corn, potatoes, carrots, tomatoes, and asparagus).

They Have Parasites

Yes, you read that right. Night Watchers have parasites.

These parasites are called Ethereals, as they are spirits that attach themselves to the essence of a Night Watcher. More often than not, an Ethereal goes unnoticed throughout its host's life, and when the host dies, the Ethereal will jump to another available Watcher in the area. Watchers can only have 1 (one) of these at a time. They are typically not bad, but also not necessarily good. They often exist undetected and when detected, aren't usually a nuisance.

Ethereals feed off of emotions, typically ones that are abundant (like happiness, stress, exhaustion, anger, sadness, etc. There are a few rare Ethereals that feed off of emotions like Fear or deeper things like adrenaline highs. These types are the dangerous kinds, as they often have to force their hosts into situations that trigger Fear or adrenaline.

These types are so rare, in fact, that they can all be named. There are four of them in existence today: Dante (feeds off depression), Starla (feeds off manic joy), Fineas (feeds off adrenaline highs), and Xander (feeds off fear). Starla and her host, Claudia, are kept safe in a facility after Starla's hunger drove Claudia mad, which led to her spree-killing. Dante and his host, Paul, live a quiet life, yet there are healthcare workers that regularly visit Paul to ensure his safety.

Fineas and his host, Alastor, serve as the Head Knight of the Royal Guard. Alastor is Hades's cousin, and I love my weird little freak. Hades is Xander's host :)

Ethereals can influence their host in a manner of ways. This includes speaking to them telepathically, making them involuntarily move, appearing as their reflection, or forcing them to laugh/cry. The other way is for an Ethereal to take full control of the host's body. This comes with minor shifts in the host's physical appearance such as becoming taller/shorter/fatter/skinnier, changing the color of their eyes, changing the way their hands/feet/nose/chin appear, and adjusting the tone/accent/other characteristics of the host's voice.

Anyone familiar with the Host will always be able to tell when the Ethereal has taken over. This is RARE though! It requires an inherently powerful Ethereal, one that is incredibly old which means they have a high count of hosts, or one of the rare types that feed on darker things, like the above mentioned.

As far as I'm aware, this is it for our good boys the Night Watchers! Please don't be shy in asking questions or complimenting my work! I don't care if it's in replies, reblogs, my inbox, or through dms!

#snootles's ocs #snootles's original work #snootles's imperfect world #snootles's let's talk series #snootles's let's talk night watchers #night watchers #snootles's monster species #imperfect canons by snootles #writing #creative writing #writer on tumblr #fantasy writing #fantasy work

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snootlestheangel · 5 months

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I'm bored and having a hard time getting the brain to do the writing thing so I'm gonna do something.

Making my own lil "ask game" thingymajig so it's very much whatever Snootles felt like doing

💫 for something related to Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red

🔫 for something Prison Break AU related

🦈 for something Shadow Company OCs related

🌷 for something oc Bryn / Guardian of Mercy and Men related

💣 for something Left4Dead AU related

☠️ for something Death Doesn't Want Me related (zombie au with Soap's family)

🪐 for something GazAlex Undercover AU related

🦉 for something Unending Devotion related (Dad!Price and his owl hybrid daughter)

🐺 for something His Wounded Cry related (wolf!shifter Ghost au)

🎮 for something YouTuber AU related

💜 for something To Love, To Let Go related

🌲 for something Of Earthly Things related (cryptid hunter with Cryptid!Ghost au)

🧨 for a surprise

👾 for something Snootles (idk why I keep referring to myself in the third person)

By "something related" it'll either be like incorrect quotes (for like the Shadow ocs) or something detailing the story, but most likely an actual story snippet. Yall can ask for multiple of these, btw. May also be random fun facts about inspiration for the story, my favorite parts about the story, origins of the title of the work/individual chapters, or a self criticism of the work.

Spam me, I don't care

#Idk help I'm bored #And itching to write #But no focus only concepts #Snootles moment #silence is golden but consequences are red #unending devotion #prison break au #Cod Left4Dead au #Cod oc Bryn

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reclonedpod · 4 years

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ReCloned: Clone Wars Rewatch Podcast Episode 054

Our hosts watch Season 3 Episode 9, Hunt for Ziro. The hosts start by discussing the classic work of jizz music: Jedi Rocks. Zac and David discuss whether the changes to this scene in the 1997 Special Edition made the scene better or worse.

Original Edition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1sF9veTzuU

Special Edition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiDRgDmXGi4

After watching the episode, they are impressed with how good the episode was overall, especially the fight with Cad Bane and Sy Snootles’s surprise betrayal. Finally they reflect on the last three episodes as a cohesive trilogy. On to this week's adventures in Clone Wars!

Check out the new episode of ReCloned!

#recloned podcast #star wars the clone wars #clone wars #star wars #podcast #podcast audio

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gwynnew · 7 years

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See Inside the Jabba the Hutt Puppet in Rare 'Star Wars: Return of the Jedi' Footage

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Do you sense a disturbance in the Force? Maybe that’s because May 25 will be the 40th anniversary of the original release of Star Wars in theaters in 1977. To celebrate this auspicious occasion, we’ll be posting Star Wars stories all month, including choice vintage interviews, original videos, and some of our favorite pieces from years past. Just keep coming back here all month to see what’s happening in our galaxy.

If George Lucas made Return of the Jedi today, Jabba the Hutt would no doubt be a digital creation. But the third Star Wars film was made in the early 1980s, when Jabba represented the height of creature-making technology: an incredibly complex puppet that weighed two thousand pounds, cost half a million dollars to make, and required three puppeteers to operate. The 1983 TV documentary From Star Wars to Jedi: The Making of a Saga went behind the scenes of Jabba’s palace, offering a detailed look at the inner workings of the slug-like beast. Among the responsibilities of the puppeteers inside Jabba: smoking a cigar in order to send smoke through Jabba’s nostrils, using radio controls to make his eyes blink, and pumping a foot-operated bellows that made him “breathe” in and out. Watch a clip above, via the official Star Wars YouTube (which also includes an appearance by Carrie Fisher, joking around on set in her infamous metal bikini).

The full documentary offers plenty of behind-the-scenes treats for Star Wars fans, including a peek into the creature workshop where the aliens of Jabba’s Palace were designed. In this second clip, George Lucas looks at early versions of the Max Rebo Band and decides that the puppet known as Sy Snootles should be promoted from dancer to lead singer. (Later, for the Special Edition of Jedi, all of the puppets were booted from the band and replaced with digital characters.)

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From Star Was to Jedi is worth watching in full, particularly for fans who grew up on the Special Edition and may be curious about the original creature effects. The full documentary is available for streaming in 9 parts on the official Star Wars YouTube account.

Watch a video about 6 insanely expensive ‘Star Wars’ toys:

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